Tag Archives: Staroline

When the Going Gets Tough (the Tough Get Tortured)- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Crying Wolf”

Poor Damon!  This was really NOT your episode, was it?  NO Sexy Shirtless Bathtime Fun, NO scenes with ELENA, TOTALLY SHOWED UP by Vampire Elijah, and FORCED to be the Masochist in some Random Werewolf’s Creepy S&M Fantasy.  Methinks SOMEONE needs a hug, BIGTIME!

Well this was a rather eventful episode, wasn’t it?  Here’s just a quick rundown of SOME of the things that happened on TVD this week: Salvatore Brothers and witches got tortured; werewolves got their hearts ripped out; we started to HATE Tyler; we began to LOVE Tyler again, and then he LEFT  Elijah OWNED us all; and Jeremy and Bonnie started swapping spit. 

Whew!  Just thinking about it, makes me all tired and sweaty . . .  In fact, you know what I need now?  A SHOWER!

And THAT was the unnatural and manipulative way I managed to work Naked Damon into this recap . . . Any questions?

Prepare to have your hearts ripped out TVD fans.   Because this recap is about to begin  . . .

And then there were THREE . . .

It’s fitting that this episode was entitled “Crying Wolf” because most of those EVIL VAMPIRE-TORTURING WEREWOLVES finally friggin died!  GOOD RIDDENS! After all, the hour’s opening moments featured Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady tearfully preparing to BURN their dead, after last week’s Were/Vamp/Witch Showdown.  Then THIS GUY appears literally out of no where .  . .

And he just starts babbling on . . . and ON .  .. and ON, as if we are automatically supposed to know who the f*&k he is, but we DON’T.  We don’t really care who he is either.  Because he’s a WEREWOLF, who is not Tyler, which, by definition, means he SUCKS ASS.  Nevertheless, Random Dude played an important enough part in this episode that I am unfortunately required give him a name.  So, I will: Weredork.

Anyway, Weredork helpfully informs Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady that, since Mason was hanging out with Vampire Katherine before he croaked, and seemed intent on finding the Moonstone, one can deduce that: (1) Team Salvatore jacked the Moonstone, after murdering Mason; and (2) they are currently collecting all the ingredients they need to break the Moonstone Curse.  As loyal  TVD fans, we know that Weredorks assessment of Team Salvatore is only half-true.  But, for now, we are willing to go with it, anyway (if only so Weredork will finally shut the hell up) . . .

Wereoaf Brady responds to this new discovery, by saying, in his typical overly simplistic Comic Book Villain way, “We can’t let that happen, even if we have to kill EVERY LAST VAMPIRE . . .”

[Insert Cheesy Maniacal Laugh Here]

(Coincidentally, here are some OTHER things Wereoaf Brady would view as justification to “KILL EVERY LAST VAMPIRE:”  (1) A vampire stole his girlfriend; (2) a vampire THOUGHT about stealing his girlfriend; (3) a vampire stole his Cocoa Puffs (Thereby, driving him cuckoo.); (4) a vampire has a better Maniacal Laugh than he does; (5) a vampire has more hair than he does . . .)

From the Dog Poo-Covered Forest of the Were People, we are then transported to a much Kinder, Gentler Locale, namely Vampire Barbie’s Dream House, where Vampire Barbie, herself, is cuddled up in bed with BOTH Elena and the Witchy Bonnie.  (Male Fantasy, much?)

“Hello, LADIES!  Got room for one more?”

The phone rings.  And Elena literally falls out of her bed and onto her rump, trying to answer it.  And all I can say, is that I WISH someone had a GIF of this moment that I can share with you.  Because, to me, anyway, watching Ridiculously Attractive People Fall Down (provided nobody gets seriously hurt, of course) is ALWAYS funny.

Oooh . . . wait . . . nevermind!  I just found one!

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Not surprisingly, Elena’s Gentleman Caller just so happens to be Stefan.  (CLEARLY, this vampire has never learned the “Don’t Call a Girl’s House Before 10 a.m. on Weekends, Because She Needs Her Beauty Sleep” Rule.)  Fortunately, for Stefan though, Elena doesn’t seem to mind being woken up too much . . .

Is it just me, or does the above screencap look EXACTLY like one of those Love Line ads they air on television at 3 a.m?  You know . . . the ones that promise Very Lonely Men that if they “CALL NOW, for only a $1.95 a minute, they can have phone sex with Criminally Underage Females?”

Speaking of Sex Lines, as far as Phone Sex Operators go, Elena would a be a NATURAL!  Observe the kittenish, and almost nauseatingly flirtatious, way in which she tells Stefan she wants to “have a Slumber Party with him,” and convinces him to drop everything, for an impromptu weekend getaway at her family’s lakehouse.  Fortunately for Stefan, he’s been around long enough to recognize an Opportunity for Lots of Sex when he sees one.  And so, he instantly accepts his girlfriend’s invitation.

“Who’s your Pimp Daddy?  Awww yeah, it’s ME!”

Speaking of BIG PIMPS . . .

Mama’s Got a Brand New Scarf . . .

Woah . . . Alaric looks REALLY jealous . . . of Andie!

Those of you who watched last week’s installment of TVD (and, seriously, how could you NOT HAVE?  It was SO AWESOME!), know that it ended with a Wet and Soapy Damon getting hot and heavy with a certain “Action News” reporter . . .

Well, it turns out she spent the night with Damon at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Sorry LADIES!)  The next morning, (just like Damon’s LAST Sex Toy, Caroline) we find Andie sporting a telltale new scarf around her undoubtedly vampire Hickey-covered neck, and cheerfully obeying every Damon’s every command.  Before she leaves, Andie helpfully informs Damon that Elijah will be hosting a Historical Society Event in town.  Damon’s curiousity is piqued by this information, because he has a TOTAL Man Crush on Elijah.  (Can you blame him?)

Then, Damon catches Andie at the door, and pulls her into his hypnotic gaze, “You are falling hard [for me],” he commands.  (Not that he NEEDS to do this, mind you, given who he is, and WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NAKED).

“You may be the one,” a Tranced Out Andie agrees before exiting .

By the way, Delena fans will proudly note that Damon clearly COULD HAVE used this trick on Elena,  back during “Rose,” when he first confessed his love for her.  He DIDN’T, of course, because he DOES LOVE HER, and wants what they have together to remain REAL and PURE.  (Regarding My Favorite TVD Scene EVER, we sort of get to revisit it, later in this episode.  But not exactly in the way you might think  . . .)

It’s Time for a Little Bromance!

Speaking of people who are not-so-secretly in love with Damon (See what I did there? ;)), his Bromantic Buddy, Alaric, is waiting in the wings for Andie to leave, so that the pair can engage in a much-needed Team Bad Ass Reunion . .

The two immediately begin gossiping like school girls, with Damon noting how “excited” he is to crash Elijah’s Historical Society Tea Party.  “Oooh!  What are you going to wear?”  Alaric coos excitedly, secretly hoping that Damon has decided to wear nothing at all . . . You’re not planning to KILL Elijah at his own Tea Party, are you [ because that would just be RUDE]?”  Alaric, ever the Master of Decorum, inquires with concern.

“No . . . but I think it’s time we met,” Damon replies.

Ummm .  . . Damon, haven’t you ALREADY met Elijah?  (And by “met” I mean,  “staked his ass once.  Then, a few episodes later, watched in horror, as he ripped the hearts out of two vampires at once, with the same ease, and lack of concern, with which most people take peanut butter out of the pantry.”)

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That’s right!  You BETTER BOW DOWN!

Surprisingly, Damon actually DOES want to hook up with talk to Elijah, BEFORE he kills him.  Specifically, Damon hopes that Elijah will let him in on his TRUE intentions regarding Elena.  But, considering Elijah, is NOT THAT DUMB, it’s probably a good thing that Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy have a MUCH STUPIDER subject from whom this information can be obtained, namely, Luka the Puke-a!

She put a spell on YOU!

That’s right, Boys and Girls!  Luka (a.k.a. Wind Orgasm Guy) . . .

 . . . knows what Elijah’s been hiding!  (Him and Big Bad Warlock, Papa Jonas, are in cahoots with the guy, after all.)  And, unlike Elijah, Luka’s not smart enough to keep all this a secret from his nemeses . . .

A Warning to Jeremy:  Do NOT F*&K with BONNIE BENNETT!  When her boyfriends screw her over, she gets revenge, BIG TIME.  And, judging by what she did to Luka this week, if you screw this up, headaches are going to be the LEAST of your problems, Mini Gilbert!

“Is it too late to un-cancel my subscription to Match.com?”

While Caroline and Jeremy look on, with a mixture of awe, and horror, Bonnie pretty much singlehandedly (1) lures Luka into her Witchy Web . . .

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 . . . (2) mind-f*&ks him into unconsciousness; (3) drags him back to her house; (4) makes him have a REALLY PAINFUL LOOKING seizure  (Then again . . . is there really any other kind of seizure, besides a REALLY PAINFUL ONE?)

. . . (5) puts him in a trance . . .

. . . (6) gets him to reveal information about Elijah that’s ALMOST DEFINITELY going to get him murdered; (7) and then makes him forget the whole incident ever happened . . .

Enjoy your blissful ignorance while it lasts, Luka!  Because once Elijah finds out what you told Bonnie, trance or no trance, the only “more screentime” you will be getting is a not-particularly-well-attended funeral!

What we learn from Luka through this, admittedly immoral, interrogation process, is the following:  (By the way, forgive me for the extensive use of LISTS in this recap.  It just seems kind of necessary, given everything we’ve learned this week.) : (1) Elijah’s ULTIMATE plan is to kill Santa Klaus . . .

(2) Since Santa Klaus is OLD AS F*&K, the only way to KILL HIM is to make him vulnerable.  And the only way to make him VULNERABLE, is to perform the Moonstone Sacrifice.  After THAT sacrifice is performed, Klaus will be temporarily weakened.  And Elijah can go in for the kill. 

(3) In order for this to happen, Elena must DIE . . .

(4) Finally, not that we actually CARE, but Jonas and Luka are working with Elijah, because he promised to release Luka’s sister from Santa Klaus’ clutches, if they agreed to give the BAD ASS MO FO a helping hand.

Mind Rape of Luka completed, Bonnie promptly calls Damon to share this information with HIM, who, in turn calls Stefan.  (It’s like PLAYING TELEPHONE!)  Then, the Little Witch turns her attention to Mini Gilbert, whose been giving the girl Puppy Dog Eyes the WHOLE NIGHT!

“Roof-Roof, Bow-Wow”

Bonnie soon launches into another one of her ENDLESS TIRADES about why she can’t be with Jeremy.  “I’ve known you forever,” explains Bonnie matter-of-factly.  “I’ve seen you through your Awkward Phase . . .

 . . . your Emo Phase . . .

 . . . and your Druggie Phase . . .”

(Ummm . . . yeah Bonnie?  Don’t act like your so special.  We’ve seen all those “phases” too.  They happened over the course of about five episodes . . .)

“But now, you’ve turned into this HOT GUY, who’s really sweet,” Bonnie concludes.

Mini Gilbert may be a bit younger than the rest of his Scooby Crew.  But he’s NO DUMMY!  He knows an INVITATION when he sees one.  And so he pulls his Witchy Woman in close for a Big Juicy Wet One . . .

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I’m happy for your Mini Gilbert.  Really, I am.  But, like I said earlier, just do yourself a BIG favor, and DON’T MAKE HER ANGRY!

Because if you do, you may not live to regret it.

Speaking of people you REALLY shouldn’t mess with . . .

Damon Gets Pinned to the Wall (and not in a good way) . . .

So, I mentioned earlier, that Damon was headed to a little Tea Party to have a little meeting with the Big Bad Elijah.  Needless to say,  it doesn’t go well . . .

Elijah thinks Damon should KNOW HIS ROLE (i.e. protect Elena, and otherwise, BUTT OUT!)  “The moment you cease to be of use to me, you are dead.  So, you should do what I say,” threatens Elijah.

Not typically one to do what he’s told, Damon is not cool with this . . . AT ALL . . .  But he gets a bit cooler with it, after Elijah shoves him in to a wall, and sticks a pencil in his neck .  . .  OUCH!

Needless to say, it’s been a rough day for Damon, and he’s VERY MUCH looking forward to a nice relaxing evening spent having sex withgossiping with Alaric about his new girlfriend, and Elijah’s awesome hair.  Unfortunately, Damon can’t relax long, because he has WERE-Company . . .

Before Damon can say, “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf,” Alaric has been shot, and is playing dead.  (Don’t forget, dude’s got the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on his side!)

“Jewelry is a man’s best friend!”

. . . and Damon himself has been made into a Sex Museum Exhibit, by Jules, the Weredork , and some soon-to-be-dead Were-extras . . .

Having been on the OTHER SIDE of this situation not so long ago, Damon can’t help but note the irony of it all . . .

But then ELIJAH THE AWESOME ARRIVES!  Once at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah begins doing what he does best, i.e. ripping  the hearts out of random pesky supernatural creatures (like Weredork), and assorted TVD extras, who are not playing nice with his new Man Friend, Damon . . .

Needless to say, this is the third time Elijah has spared / saved Damon’s life in furtherance of the promise he made to Elena back during Episode 10.  Understandably, Damon is impressed and more than a bit turned on.

Unfortunately, however, Soul Crusher Jules got away, before Elijah had the chance to literally RIP HER A NEW ONE . . .

“Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, I still have my [non-functioning and black as coal] heart!”

(Elijah always did seem to have a bit of a soft spot, for the LADIES, if you know what I mean . . .)

But aside from THAT major (not to mention highly plot convenient) misstep, on Elijah’s part, most of the pesky were-losers are now dead, Alaric is OK, Damon is safe, sound, and has a brand new role model, and everyone (involved this plotline, at least) can, for now, live happily ever after . . .

Well . . . except for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

  . . .  who thinks her boyfriend, Alaric, stood her up because he was “grading papers and fell asleep; and can’t understand why she’s stuck living in such a BORING TOWN! 😉

Meanwhile, over at the Lakehouse . . .

 Ding Dong the Wereoaf’s Dead (and Tyler’s regretful, and Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do)

While Elena waxes poetic about her long-term future with Stefan (in a scene which is a bit snoozy, and nauseatingly Twilight-esque, but actually ends up being REALLY important . . .) . . . the EEEVVILL WEREWOLVES are plotting to ensure that the Happy Couple’s IMMEDIATE future will SUCK royally  . . .

Tyler has just arrived at the Were-house.  So, Weredork decides to fill him in on the whole “Moonstone Curse” thing . . .

“I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that my whole purpose in this episode is to impart all the BORING, but important, information that the characters and you need to know to understand what’s going on here.  Then, I have to DIE fast, before my presence becomes too tiresome to TVD fans, predisposed to hate my guts.  But, actually . . . no . . . come to think of it . . . that’s exactly right.”

Weredork dully explains to Tyler how the Moonstone Curse restricts vampires from walking in daylight (unless, of course, they have Sunscreen Rings),  and forces werewolves to change during the full moon.  If the vampires break the curse, they can walk around outside anytime they want (which, most of them can do ANYWAY, due to Sunscreen Rings).  But, if WEREWOLVES break the curse, they can turn at will, and don’t HAVE to transform, during the Full Moon.  This of course, means they don’t have to turn AT ALL, if they choose not to do so.

Tyler likes this idea, VERY MUCH!  Gee, I wonder why?

Weredork also explains to Tyler that the Petrova Doppelganger, who LOOKS like Mason’s ex girlfriend Katherine, is NEEDED to break the curse.  (Of course, he carefully leaves out WHY she’s needed, and what she would have to do to actually break it.)  An-Eager-to-Please Tyler douchebaggily helpfully points out that ELENA is the Petrova Doppelganger, after seeing a picture of her look-a-like Katherine.  Tyler even goes as far as to offer to help find his so-called “friend.”

Tyler does this, by bumping into Caroline at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  He then pretend  to try to apologize to her again for standing around and doing NOTHING, like a TOTAL jackass, last week, while she was getting TORTURED by his Were-Loser Friends.  Needless to say, Tyler’s lame APOLOGY fails miserably.  But THIS doesn’t . . .

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*cough a$$hole cough*

Of course, like many of you, I don’t initially notice Tyler surreptitiously putting Caroline’s cellphone in his butt pocket, after he accidentally / on purpose bumps into her.  (People can itchy back there, sometimes, you know?)  So, when Elena gets a text from “Caroline” asking to talk, and she replies that she’s headed to the Lakehouse, I think that text is REALLY from Caroline. 

So, when  the camera paned up from the phone to EVIL TYLER, wearing a Cat Who Ate the Canary expression on his face . . .

SMUG BASTARD!

  .  . . I may or may not have thrown a pillow (or ten) at the television screen . . .

Just sayin . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena are at the Lakehouse, enjoying their time together, by HAVING SEX exploring their surroundings. (Seriously?  Because if it was DAMON, you just know they’d be HAVING SEX!)  After all, Elena hasn’t visited the Lakehouse, since her parents died.  And there  is much teary-eyed reminiscing to be done.  That being said, there are SOME things in your childhood vacation home that you shouldn’t go searching for, when your boyfriend is in town . . .

The Awkward Moment when your Vampire Boyfriend finds your Parents’ Secret Vampire Slayer Weapons Stash . . .

But before Elena even has the chance to come up with a convincing lie as to what these “tools” were used for (“Ummmm, my parents were REALLY Aggressive Gardeners?”), Stefan and Elena learn that they are not-so-much alone in the Lakehouse.  Then, THIS happens . . .

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To add insult to injury, Tyler is there too, looking particularly menacing (and, regrettably, very hot).

On the ground, and writhing in pain, Stefan begs Tyler for help.  “We don’t want to break the Moonstone Curse,” Stefan pleads to his “friend.”

“But I DO,” replies Tyler, before shooting him in the leg. (Oooh, Steffy!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?)

While Tyler continues to hold Stefan at gunpoint, Wereoaf Brady chases Elena around the Lakehouse, saying creepy things to her like, “I can smell you.”  (Is it just me, or does Elena get chased around houses by psychos, EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)

“Awwww, man, NOT AGAIN!  This kickass boots I’m wearing are simply not made for running stairs.”

Fortunately, for Elena, she manages to incapacitate Wereoaf Brady, long enough for a now-conscious Stefan to rip out his heart, Elijah Style (Am I spotting a new- trend here?)

Hey, Elena . . . guess what we’re having for dinner tonight?  I hear it tastes JUST LIKE CHICKEN!”

(By the way, is it just me, or do the “hearts” on this show always seem to resemble hand grenades?  Maybe that is supposed to be “symbolic” or something . . .)

Nice knowin’ ya, Wereoaf Brady!  That’s what ya get, for Screwing with Vampire Barbie!

Stefan briefly contemplates de-hearting Tyler too.  But, ultimately, he decides against it.  Instead, the Younger Salvatore informs the Temporary Villain that this Moonstone Curse he seems so intent on breaking, requires Elena to DIE, in order for him to accomplish it. 

“I’m sorry Elena.  I didn’t know what they were going to do to you.  I just didn’t want to be like this anymore,” Tyler mumbles guiltily.

Too little, too late?  I’d say so, if I was Elena.  But our girl, Gilbert, has a heart of PURE GOLD.  And she responds to Tyler’s admittedly inadequate apology for breaking into her dead parents’ home, SHOOTING HER BOYFRIEND, and stalking her with a Were-oaf, by offering him up one of her trademark hugs . . .

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Hugs by Elena:  They can turn even the baddest of boys, GOOD!  Just ask THIS GUY!

Wonder of wonders, Elena’s Magic Hug does seem to do it’s job on Tyler.  Toward the end of the episode, our favorite Teen Wolf once again heads to the Scene of the Phone-Stealing Crime (Seriously, I hope he RETURNED that!  Caroline seems like a gal who REALLY likes her phone).   Once again, he confronts Matt, with whom he had “words” earlier on in the episode . . .

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Apparently, Clueless Matt is FINALLY getting tired of being lied to.  He also realizes that Tyler and Caroline are obviously in love are the ones doing most of the lying to him.  Understandably, it pisses him off.  Tyler, who recognizes this, comes clean to Matt, by saying the SWEETEST PRO-FORWOOD SPEECH IMAGINABLE!

And here it is:

“I’ve been going through a rough time, something I can’t really talk about. And Caroline’s been helping me through it. She’s been there for me, more than anyone’s ever been there my entire life. And I kinda fell for her. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t because she’s pretty incredible. She loves you, and she needs you. And to be honest, she deserves someone like you, so you be good to her. Okay?”

You can watch the scene, in all it’s Forwoody Awesomness, here:

Honestly?  I know it doesn’t take back his pansy-assedness of last week, or his douchiness of this one.  And yet, Tyler’s speech to Matt, which SO OBVIOUSLY came out of the Damon Salvatore: Bad Boy Pining and Self-Sacrificing for Dummies Handbook, by the way,  (Watch that FABULOUS scene from “Rose” again, and compare, if you don’t believe me!).

“I know, I’m awesome!”

 . . . had the impact of giving me TOTAL amnesia of all of Tyler’s bad acts, and only leaving me with THIS . . .

Oh, yeah!  I’m THAT easy!

And, BECAUSE, af ter a brief hiatus, I am now totally on Team Tyler again, I found the end of the episode, in which Tyler visits Caroline secretly, one last time . . .

 . . . leaves his own mother a Dear John note . . .

 . . . and escapes to Lord Knows Where, but definitely away from Mystic Falls, with Soul Crusher Jules . . .

 . . . so incredibly hearbreaking.

Not that I don’t think that Tyler will be BACK, or anything.  Because he TOTALLY WILL!  The question is, however  . . . will Caroline be waiting for him, when he returns . . .

*Sigh* MAN, I hope so!  Because this . . .

 . . . is not something you can just throw away!

Did I mention that, when Stefan learns Elijah’s true intentions from Damon, and confronts Elena about how her “friend” basically wants her to DIE, she says that ALREADY KNOWS, AND DOESN”T GIVE TWO SH*TS?

Contrary to what we might have assumed, Elijah did NOT trick Elena into thinking he was going to save her, when he had no intention of doing so.  Rather, Elena VOLUNTARILY agreed to sacrifice her life, so that Elijah would spare the lives of the people she loves (LIKE DAMON!).  Stefan, of course, is so TOTALLY not cool with the idea of his girlfriend playing martyr . . .

He’s also kind of pissed at her for saying that the two had a “LONG FUTURE” ahead of them (back when she was trying to get into his pants, earlier on in the trip), when she knew all along that it wasn’t the case.  (See? I told you that sappy Stelena scene at the beginning of the episode would be important!)

And yet, watching this exchange, I found myself only thinking of ONE thing:  What’s DAMON going to do, when he finds out about Elena’s Quest for Martyrdom?  Because, you KNOW Damon’s going to have some sort of a plan to save his Lady Love!

Personally?   I’m hoping it involves him showing up in Elena’s bedroom naked, and COMPELLING her to want to stay alive, using body parts other than his eyes, if you catch my drift.  Of course, that’s just me .  . .

And that’s all I’ve got, Fangbangers!  As for next week’s TVD installment, “The Dinner Party” you can check out the Extended Promo here:

Dinner party hijinks?  Elijah being awesome?  Damon snarking at everyone?  A petulant Katherine?  The return of DARK STEFAN?  Am I the only one wishing it was Thursday, already?

See ya, then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Rumble at the Were-House – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Daddy Issues”

Let’s Get Ready to RUMBLE! 

So, not only did this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries offer us a Supernatural Battle Royale of EPIC Proportions  (Eat your HEARTS out, Twilight and True Blood!), it also provided a whole BOATLOAD of Gushy Relationship Stuff, sure to appease your inner fangirl, no matter WHO your favorite TVD Couple might be *cough Delena and Forwood cough*  Not to mention, there was WAY more Naked Damon Salvatore in this hour than you could shake a stick at (not that anyone would want to . . . shake sticks at him, I mean.)

Ladies, there is PLENTY more where this came from . . .

See, Damon . . . I know you had kind of a rough go of it last week . . . with all those “tears” and “feelings” and “stuff.”  But even YOU’VE got to admit, things are WAY better in Mystic Falls without Man-Stealer Rabid Rose to kill your buzz, aren’t they?

Harsh, but true, Girlfriend!

See?  I knew eventually you’d come to see things, my way!

Honestly, this episode put me in SUCH a good mood, that I’m not even particularly bothered by Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie . . . yet.

I’ve got two words for you, New Girl:  Thin . . . Ice.

So, what are we waiting for, Fangbangers?   Let’s get DIRTY and NAKED, with our “Daddy Issues!”  And then, if we’re REAL good, Damon promises to help us “lather up and clean off” by the episode’s end!  Sound like a plan?

A Lot of People Died Last Week . . . Hey . . . wait . . . is that Naked Damon?

It’s morning in Mystic Falls.  Everyone’s got their eye on the morning news, and a re waiting for the Daily Traffic and Weather Report.  Here’s the scoop on both . . . Mystic Falls is about to get WAY more crowded, not to mention a whole lot WETTER . . .

*sigh*

Those of you who have always wondered about the sheer quantity of Senseless Deaths in Mystic Falls, and whether anyone in the godforsaken town ever cared to notice them, got your answer this week.  Yes, the townsfolk do seem to notice.  That’s why last week’s ENTIRE bloody body count made it into the town’s local TV news, within the first few minutes of the episode.  It’s also why Mystic Falls’ Random Event of the Week this week was . . . you guessed it . . . a Memorial Service.

And honestly, I’d like to tell you a bit more about it, such as where to send flowers, and where all the funerals will be held.  The problem is, I missed the end of the news broadcast, because I got a bit . . .  distracted.

Hey . . . wait, isn’t that Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie on the TV Screen?

(These Orgasmic GIFs have been brought to you by, The Vampire Diaries Tumblr)

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . where was I again?

Oh yeah, Lots of Dead People . . . Town in Peril .  . . Carnage . . . Werewolves .  . . which reminds me . . .

Tyler and Caroline DO IT on top of her car . . . But “IT” isn’t quite what we were hoping for . . .

So, remember last week, when us Forwood (i.e. Caroline and Tyler) fans, got all our little panties up in a bunch, because a certain Romantic Automobile Scene from the promos was suspiciously absent from the episode?

And then, as we were sharpening our pitchforks, ready to give the writers a real piece of our minds, THIS happened, and all was magically forgiven . . .

Well, as promised, Tyler DID manage to get Caroline up on the hood of her car this week . . . just not in the way we wanted him to . . .

“Fooled ya, didn’t I, Forwood Fans?”

If you recall, last week, Jules the Werewolf Soul Crusher revealed to Tyler in the final moments of the episode that his Vampire Barbie might not be quite the Little Angel he always assumed she was.  To give you a better idea of the effect this probably had on Tyler, try to remember how you felt the first time you learned that Santa Claus wasn’t real . . .

Sorry, if I spoiled that for you, kiddies!  But Soul Crusher and I do sort of/ kind of share a first name.  So, what did you expect?

Given what we saw at the end of “The Descent” and the little snippets of the episode to which we were treated in the promos, we pretty much knew that Tyler wasn’t going to be too happy with his Gal Friday, when he saw her again this week.  What we might not have banked on, however, was that Poor Caroline would be so blissfully unaware of her Favorite Werewolf Pal’s sudden change in mood . . .

(While I would LOVE to take credit for this Fabulous Photographic Manipulation, it was actually created, believe it or not, by Matt Davis, a.k.a Alaric Saltzman, and given to me as a “gift” by my fabulous Blogger Pal, Cherie . . .)

So, here we have Caroline, still floating on Cloud Nine, after that AMAZING Kiss she shared with Tyler last week, when she steps out onto her front porch, and finds the Man with the Marvelous Tongue, himself, waiting for her there, once again.  “We need to talk,” says Tyler, his intense eyes piercing Caroline’s soul, as his oh-so-familiar words, send her spiraling upward into an ecstatic high that is undoubtedly The BEST CASE OF DEJA VU EVER!

So, Caroline starts babbling on in an elated rush, saying words she clearly doesn’t mean AT ALL . . . something about how “[they] can’t go there,” and “Matt,” and “feelings,” and blah, blah, blah.

While PRE-Soul Crushed Tyler would have undoubtedly accepted Caroline’s justifications with a sweet smile, some flirtatious words, and a renewed vow of friendship that would SURELY culminate in Super Hot Were Vamp Sex, by the end of the evening, Post-Soul Crushed Tyler just nods expressionless, like a sly cat, just waiting to pounce on his prey.  And because we all know too well, the misdeeds of which THIS Tyler is capable, we can’t help but feel just a teensy bit worried for Caroline, as she walks nonchalantly toward her car.

That’s when the other shoe drops . . .

“What happened to Mason?”  Tyler asks icily.

“Awwww, CRAP!”

He’s dead.  Because Stefan and Damon Salvatore killed him, because they are vampires . . . just like you,” Tyler remarks coldly, looking right through Poor Caroline, as he speaks.

But then, Tyler softens, and a bit of that old charming vulnerability shows through his tough veneer.  In this single moment, Tyler is subconsciously willing Caroline to prove him wrong. . . to allow him to continue to believe her to be his perfect angelic savior, “Is it true?”  He asks softly.

Caroline’s eyes fill up with tears.  She nods . . . slowly.  And then THIS happens . . .

So, Caroline’s up against the car, and in Tyler’s arms, just like we wanted.  And yet, somehow, I don’t think our favorite Baby Werewolf is about to tell Caroline that “whatever [she] needs, [he is] there for [her]” . . .

“I trusted you,” yells Tyler through clenched teeth, as his eyes go gold with werewolf rage.

Fortunately, Caroline’s tears, along with the look of abject terror in her eyes, bring Tyler back to himself.  And so he lets go of Caroline’s jacket collar, shakes the supernatural rage out of his countenance, and stalks away sadly . . .

Useless Jenna Learns ONE of the 50 MILLION Secrets her friends and family have been hiding from her for at least TWO years  . . .

Last week, I suggested that Clueless Matt Donovan go and rent The Vampire Diaries, Season 1 and Season 2 (Now available for pre-order!) DVD’s to get him up to speed on EVERYTHING his so-called “friends” have been lying about to him, since the beginning of the series.  . .

This week, I’m going to take my suggestion one step further, and suggest that Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna watch the entire series TOGETHER in one long Blockbuster marathon weekend.  It would be fun for them, I think.  They could braid eachother’s hair, talk about girls, eat Chunky Monkey off Alaric’s naked body  . . . you know, the usual stuff.

Just think about how many LIVES this would save, and how fewer Super Villains would be invited into the Gilbert Home as a result! 

(Fortunately, though, Jenna has already invited in Elijah, because he’s . . . you know . . . AWESOME.)

So, anyway, Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in Mystic Falls.  And he’s lurking around the Gilbert Kitchen, like a rat on the tracks of a New York City subway station.

We can tell immediately that Bio Dad’s return has had a negative impact on our girl Elena, by the uncharacteristically high ponytail she sports throughout the episode . . .

Then again, perhaps, the new do was supposed to represent the return of Elena’s “inner child,” or something.  I don’t know . . .

Kat looks on with disapproval, as she helpfully suggests a more “fashionable” updo for her favorite fellow Petrova Doppelganger.

While Creepy Uncle / Father John is waxing poetic about how he “loves Elena” and is “here to protect her,” Useless Aunt Jenna stumbles down the steps, a bit sore after a night of Super Hot Screwing with Alaric.  And let’s just say, the sight of the Evil Brother-in-Law she once banged TOTALLY kills her Post-Sex buzz.  When Useless Aunt Jenna tries to kick John out of the house, he and Elena decide to drop a total bombshell on her.  John is Elena’s Bio Dad.  Who knew?  (Well . . . aside from . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY else in the WORLD.)

Speaking of HAIR-RAISING Situations . . .

The Salvatore Brothers Discuss the Logistics of Hero Hair, And Other Pressing Issues . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, the Salvatore Brothers are engaging in an important Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  So, guess who was the main subject of this conversation?  (By the way, if you didn’t answer “Elena,” I’d hereby like to extend to you an invitation to a TVD DVD Marathon Viewing Party, hosted by Clueless Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna.)

“You brought back, JOHN GILBERT?  THAT was your big Save Elena Move?”  Damon asks, incredulously.  (Yeah, Stefan!  I’m inclined to agree with Damon on this one.  Bringing back the Bio Dad earns you a C- tops in my Book of Hero Worship, Baby Salvatore.)

“He tried to BAKE ME TO A CRISP,” Damon reminds his brother, as if any further illumination as to the awfulness of Stefan’s idea is actually necessary.

NO ONE tries to BAKE my Future Boyfriend, and gets away with it!  And yes, I’m ALSO looking at you TOO, Bonnie Firestarter Bennett!  Don’t think I’ve forgotten, because I haven’t . . .

Yet, Stefan has always been a “Go with the Devil you KNOW” sort of guy.  As such, he trusts Creepy Uncle/ Father John and Mommy Dearest Isobel, over the Kickass Awesome Elijah (who, though NOT my Future Boyfriend, I would totally sleep with, especially after this week’s episode).   Stefan hopes that the Diabolical Duo will surprise him, by actually having the best interests of their daughter at heart.  He also figures, as Katherine suggested a few episodes back, that they could clue him into the complex conundrum that is Vampire Santa Klaus and his BIG SACRIFICE.

“As, if I didn’t have ENOUGH problems,” gripes Damon, referring of course, to his recent discovery of FEELINGS, which was brought on by the loss of Man-Stealer Rabies Head Rose.  “I’m changing Stefan.  I may just have to get a Hero Hairdo of my own, and steal your thunder.”

Hero Hairdo:  Check!

Thunder stolen: Double Check!

Papa Vamp Scolds Baby Vamp for Hanging out with a Bad Crowd . . .

“If you so much as LOOK at that Bad News Werewolf again, you are SO GROUNDED, Missy!”

You know, when we learned that the title of this episode was going to be “Daddy Issues,” we undoubtedly were reminded of the VERY MANY dysfunctional families on this show.  The Gilbert Family . . . The Lockwood Family . . . The Salvatore Family, all of them share one thing in common:  Bad Dads!  And yet, most of us, probably forgot about what is undoubtedly the most FUNCTIONAL family unit on this show, Papa Stefan and his Baby Vamp Caroline . . .

Yes, I KNOW, technically it was DAMON, and not Stefan, who’s blood gave Caroline eternal life.  And yet, Caroline has really been without a father figure, for much of the series.  By taking Caroline under his wing, supporting her emotionally, and teaching her how to live a relatively Law Abiding Vampire Lifestyle, Stefan is like the Great Dad Caroline never had . . .

So, it really shouldn’t have surprised any of us that THEIR relationship, was one of chief one’s explored this week.  After Damon leaves La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Caroline emergency texts Stefan, before arriving on his doorstep.  Though she tries to put on a brave face, she is clearly worried about the repercussions of her recent altercation with Tyler . . .

Stefan warns Caroline that Damon will probably KILL her Were-Beau, if he finds out Teen Wolf may have just switched over to TEAM Wolf.  “What if he retaliates?”  Stefan wonders out loud.

“You have to talk to him,” Caroline pleads, in a tone specifically reserved for daughters asking for BIG FAVORS from their fathers.  “You always know the right thing to say . . . He and I were . . . are . . . friends who just so happen to really like making out with one another, and pushing one another up against motor vehicles.

Speaking of Tyler . . .

Soul Crusher Jules tries her hand at playing Mommy . . . Dearest.

“Yes, Tyler, I AM fondling your knee inappropriately right now . . . But I’m only doing it because I want to have Hot Canine Sex with you want to show you just how much I care.”

Now, I know we all HATE Soul Crusher Jules for not killing Rose sooner the major damage she caused to the Budding Forwood Romance.  And yet, after this week, I’m starting to think that HER intentions (I, of course, am NOT speaking for the rest of her Dog Pack!) are not nearly as diabolical, as we once thought.  At first, I assumed that Jules was only interested in luring Tyler to the Dark Side, because she ultimately wanted to use him in The Sacrifice, just as Katherine did with Mason earlier this season.  I don’t think that’s the case, anymore.

Yeah, B*tch, you keep those hands in your lap, where they BELONG!  Just because I gave you a compliment, doesn’t mean I want you trying to hook up with Caroline’s MAN!

The typically frigid Jules is uncommonly warm and, dare I say, maternal, this week, as she invites Tyler to frolic with the rest of her wolf pack, and learn the ways of the Supernatural World.  “Your new life as a lycanthrope is just beginning.  Us werewolves have a Code of Loyalty.  It is my duty and honor to help you.  Please let me,” Jules offers.

Given that Tyler now feels completely alone in this world, as a result of his broken friendship with Caroline, you can imagine how enticing an offer like this might seem to a guy like him.  And yet, Tyler’s still very much a teenage boy!  We forget that sometimes, because the actor who plays him is 26 he looks like THIS . . .

But, this week, Tyler reminded us, by uttering these, OH SO ADORABLE next lines, “I can’t just run AWAY!  Mom would FREAK!”

(Awwww . . . Tyler, I love you!)

Elena Reintroduces her SOULMATE (Yeah, I said it!) to her Bio Dad

I now pronounce you Vamp and Wife.   You may kiss the bride . . .

Elsewhere, Damon and Elena are in agreement that Stefan’s idea to bring Uncle /Father John back to Mystic Falls was TOTALLY IDIOTIC!  But while, OLD DAMON would have simply beat the crap out of Bio Dad, which, admit it, would be SO fun to watch, NEW DAMON who undoubtedly sees Creepy Uncle / Father John as his future Father-in-Law is willing to engage him in a “civil” conversation.  “I’m the Good Guy, now,” Damon explains matter-of-factly . . . (Ummm . . . tell that to Dead Jessica, Damon!)

“I’m coming with you,” Elena replies, seeming a bit to eager to go frolicking with someone who is “just a friend,” I might add.  (Can you blame her?)

When Damon and Elena arrive at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, they run into the WHOLE REST OF THE EXTENDED GILBERT FAMILY.  Alaric, Useless Aunt Jenna, and Uncle / Father John are all in attendance.  All we need are Stefan and Jeremy, and this could be a Wedding Rehearsal Dinner!

“NO, DAMON!  We are NOT having the wedding here.  I don’t care if it IS the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  I’d rather go to Vegas . . .”

Useless Aunt Jenna takes this fine opportunity to introduce her “new bestie” Reporter Andie Starr to Damon, because Andie is apparently a Big Ole Ho (much like Jenna, herself), who’s really looking to get down and dirty with a Hot Vamp.

But, like we said, Damon is a “Good Guy” now, and “Good Guys” don’t bone other chicks at their future wife’s wedding rehearsal.  So, Damon rejects Andie’s ass . . . at least, initially, as Elena looks on, undoubtedly feeling smug as hell.

*sings*  “I still got him!  You can’t have him!  Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah!”

Damon then announces that he is “steering clear of all women.”  And at that moment, I hear the collective wails of every female on the entire planet.  (Fortunately, he only keeps that promise for about 20 more minutes.)

Damon then tries to muscle information about Klaus and The Sacrifice out of Uncle / Father John, by using a candle as a metaphor for the Creepo’s life, should he prove to be untrustworthy.

Unfortunately, John isn’t the sort of man to be intimidated by vampires who “know how to give blow jobs out candles.”  To the contrary, he is INTRIGUED by them.

“I need to know I can blow trust you.  Then we can talk,” responds John, before strutting away effeminately.

Speaking of the game of Suck and Blow, let’s head over to the Trailer Park, were Soul Crusher Jules has returned to reunite with some old Chew Toys friends . . .

Bad DOGS!

Meet Werewolf Brady.  He dresses like a farmer, and talks like a Comic Book Villain.  But, at least for now, we will let those things slide, because (1) he is hot (duh!); and (2) he’s making out with Soul Crusher Jules, which will likely prevent her from making a play for Tyler, at least until the Big Brawny Were-oaf kicks the bucket, which Villains like him often tend to do on this show, typically within about 3 episodes. . .

JULES: “What’s that I taste on your breath?  Have you been eating Girl Scout Cookies?”

BRADY:  “Not the cookies. . .  just the scouts.”

After they are done swapping dog breath, Jules and Brady talk about their MASTER PLAN.  Brady wants to avenge fellow dog, Mason’s untimely death.  Jules wants Tyler’s hot teen wolf ass for her pack collection.  So, they compromise, and decide to get both.  (Hear that?  That’s your Werewolf Code of Loyalty at work, people!  It’s a Doggone Dogmocracy!)

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion. . .

Stefan and Tyler get Up Close and Personal . . .

It sure is convenient that Stefan was invited into the Lockwood House during the Season Premiere, to attend the Mayor’s funeral.  Otherwise, he would have NEVER been able to do THIS.  At first, Stefan, ever the pragmatist, tries to calmly discuss the ways in which a Supernatural World can be Super-Friendly TOO!  “We can really use a Scooby Doo in our Scooby Gang.  You interested?  Mini Gilbert’s getting mighty lonely, playing Scrappy, all by himself!  Vampires and Werewolves can live together in harmony,” Stefan, more or less, tells Tyler, in his own TVD version of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” Speech.

But Tyler’s not really buying it.  So Stefan instead tries some Tough Love, by throwing Teen Wolf up against the wall.  (Actually, I’m pretty sure there’s something in the contracts of the actors on this show, that requires someone to be shoved up against a wall, at least once per episode.)  “Without a Full Moon, you are no match for me,” he growls at Tyler.  “And, while we’re at it, stop being such a dick to [Caroline]!”

Stefan’s harsh actions frightens Tyler, so much, that he ends up calling “Mommy” . . . and by “Mommy” I mean, of course, Soul Crusher Jules.  (BIG MISTAKE, TYLER!  HUGE!)

“Omigod!  You SHOT Caroline!  You, bastards!”

Before you can say “RUN CAROLINE!,” Jules and Brady have cornered their baby vamp, against her car . . . AGAIN.  (Note to Caroline:  Learn to use public transportation.)

See?  Much better!

And then, Brady . . . SHOOTS CAROLINE IN THE HEAD, WITH A WOODEN BULLET!

Source (for the awesome gif, of course, the MONKEY IS ALL MINE! 🙂

Fortunately, for Caroline, she’s made of Sugar and Spice and Vampire Awesome!  So, she can pop those bullets out of her body, like it’s Child’s Play.  Thank goodness, Caroline is such a True Blood / Vampire Eric Northman fan, otherwise, she never would have known about this unusual skill set of hers . . .

“Hey, Tyler!  Caroline needs you to suck something out of her neck . . .”

Unfortunately, though, getting shot still HURTS LIKE HELL!  And Caroline, who’s been thrown into a CAGE by Crazy Jail Warden Were-Oaf Brady, is getting shot at A LOT!

Of course, having watched the promos, most of us KNEW that this was going to happen to Caroline, eventually, this week.  And yet, that didn’t deaden the impact Brady’s torture of Caroline had on us fans AT ALL.  Kudos to Candice Accola, who’s hoarse cries of helplessness, screams of pain, and pleading, “Why are you doing this to me?”  literally brought tears to my eyes, every time the gun went off. 

Brady’s Hotness Points = Officially flushed down my toilet.  DIE DOGGY, DIE!

(That being said, this may sound awful but . . . was anybody else slightly relieved that, contrary to what the promos would have us believe, Tyler didn’t, at least consciously, have any part in this?)

When Stefan calls Caroline’s phone to see if she is OK, Jules picks up, and gives Stefan an earful of his surrogate sire’s anguished screams.  “You have twenty minutes,” she says.  “Bring Tyler or Caroline dies.”

It’s time to call your brother, Stefan!  Because it looks like YOU are going to need some serious reinforcements . . .

“Be the Better Man.”

As a TVD fan, and a recapper, I generally like to try to find the bright side in things.  And if there was a bright side to Caroline’s painful torture, at least STORYLINE wise, it was THIS scene between Damon and Elena.  When Damon receives the call from Stefan about what’s going down with Caroline and the weres, Damon’s got blood on the brain . . . Tyler’s blood. 

As is typical of her in such situations, Elena begs Damon to be “good,” and not kill Tyler.  And yet, Elena does something a bit different this time, to make herself seem more persuasive.  It’s something we haven’t really seen her do, since the Bad Moon Rising episode, where she manipulated Damon, who she HATED at the time, into giving her information about Katherine.  Elena seductively places her hand on Damon’s arm, and holds it there.   She then looks deep into his eyes, and says, “Too many people die here.  Be the better man.”

Source

The significance of this movement is not lost on Damon, who knows EXACTLY what his lady love is attempting.  And he is NOT happy with it . . . at all.  “You need to stop doing that . . . assuming that I’m going to be the Good Guy, just because it’s YOU, who’s asking.”

And yet, in a few moments, we will see that Damon does EXACTLY what Elena wants him to do, PRECISELY because it is her who did the asking.  They call marriage the  Old Ball and Chain for a REASON, Damon!  And you are TOTALLY whipped!

Sidenote:  I found this scene particularly interesting, because it called to mind a recent interview that Nina Dobrev gave to Wetpaint.com.  In it, Nina argued that, even though Damon made her FORGET his declaration of love for her, Elena definitely knows how Damon feels about her, “Of course, Elena doesn’t know, because Damon didn’t outright tell her… but she knows. You know when someone likes you or is in love with you,” she says.

In the Bad Moon Rising episode, Elena manipulated Damon’s desire to “be her friend” again, after the whole Jeremy Neck Snap Incident.  But this week, we saw the first signs of Elena’s awareness of Damon’s LOVE for her.  Though Elena may have always had a subconscious knowledge of the extent of Damon’s feelings, this is really the closest she has come to acknowledging them, indulging them, and using them to her advantage.  Is it mean?  Absolutely, does it bring a smile to this Delena Fan’s face, anyway?  YOU BET IT DOES!


Then Damon tells Uncle / Father John to babysit his own daughter (something, he’s probably NEVER done before, by the way), and heads off to Fight for Team Salvatore.

Vampires versus Werewolves versus . . . Warlocks?

Hey, look!  It’s the Three Hotmigos!

At the Were-House Salvatore Squared form a Salvatoreo Sandwich around Tyler their bargaining chip.  “Release Caroline, and you will get Tyler,” bargains Stefan.

“We are going to try his way, before my way,” snarks Damon.  “My way is a bit bloodier.”

Of course, our Scooby Gang is feeling pretty confident at this point that they can overtake Soul Crusher Jules, especially considering the apparent Lack of Full Moon Wolfiness surrounding her.  But then, Jules calls in for reinforcements . . .

And that puts an end to THAT idea.   The Salvatore’s drop Tyler like the hotcake he is!  So Baby Were heads inside the trailer to do what he should have done ALL ALONG — FREE CAROLINE!

Meanwhile, outside, the Weres and Vamps are at a bit of a Standoff.  “Which one of you killed, Mason?”  Were-oaf Brady asks.

“That would be, ME!”  Damon replies happily.

“Make sure that one suffers,” Brady responds maniacally.

And suffer he will, because these weres don’t mess around!  They’ve got fire power, and an arsenal of crazy weapons that would make Alaric Saltzman proud.   The Salvatore Brothers don’t have weapons or fire with them today . . . just a Can a of Whup Ass, and a Heaping Helping of AWESOME!

Source

Honestly, I wish there were more gifs and picspam of the Were/ Vamp fight, because it was downright FANTASTIC to watch.  And yet, when Caroline emerged from the trailer, and THIS happened to her . . .

 . . . I stopped paying attention to the fight, and started yelling at Tyler to get his butt over there and HELP OUT!  He didn’t . . .

But you know who did?  THIS GUY . . .

Who the HECK would have thought that the Jonas Brother from Another Mother would end up being a Savior of Salvatores?  And yet, save them he did, by giving all the werewolves in the place a massive dose of that BIG BAD HEADACHE thing we always see Bonnie using on all the vampires.  Within moments, all the weres are incapacitated (except Tyler).   Everyone left standing is looking at this guy in shock, as if to say, “Who the f*ck are you?”

“Elijah made a promise to Elena.  I’m here to see that it is upheld.  Go now,” says Jonas to Caroline, Stefan and Damon.

He then turns his attention to Tyler . . .

“When your friends awaken, give them a message.  They need to get the hell out of this town.”

OK . . . so remember when I told you I fell in LOVE with Elijah this week?  THIS is why!

Source

When Elijah promised Elena that none of her friends would get HURT, I assumed that promise would be strictly limited to them getting hurt by OTHER VAMPIRES  .  . . I didn’t think he would take it as far as to act as a 24-7 PERSONAL BODY GUARD to ALL of Elena’s friends.  Now that is just PURE AWESOME!  In fact, if Elijah actually APPEARED in this episode, I probably would have hugged my television screen (and probably got massive electric shock, as a result).

A Friend in Need . . .

Of all the characters on TVD this week, Caroline probably wins the WORST DAY EVER AWARD.  And yet, when Stefan comes to check on her, after the whole “Cage Ordeal,” she offers him a pained smile, and promises him that she is going to be just fine.

“I’m not your girly little Caroline anymore,” notes the Baby Vamp ruefully.  “I can handle myself.”

“You sure can,” replies Stefan, before leaving Caroline to pick the rest of the wood out of her ass.

Caroline offers the same brave face to Matt, when he calls to tell her that she forgot to meet up with him.  (Ummm . . . she’s been a bit busy, Dude!  If you watched those DVD’s like I told you to, you would KNOW that!)  Though Caroline claims that she can’t see her Ex-Beau, because she is “taking care of Bonnie,” Matt, who is working at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls at the time, knows that this is a bald-faced lie . . .

Source

Yeah . . . so apparently Jeremy and Bonnie are like “Boyfriend / Girlfriend” now.  Whatev . . .

Caroline may have been perky with Stefan, and sweetly dismissive with Matt, but she shows no such restraint with Tyler, when he shows up her door to apologize for  her whole “Being Locked up in a Cage, and Shot in the Head Multiple Times by my Crazy Dog Pound Friends” thing . . .

“I lied to protect my friends.  I lied to protect you.  I expected you to HELP, but you just STOOD THERE . . . It is too late, Tyler.  We are not friends, anymore.  What happened tonight will NEVER happen again.  Take THAT back to your Were Pack and get the hell out of my house!”

Now, I have to admit that, THOUGH HE TOTALLY DESERVED it for being a COMPLETE WUSS, during the Supernatural Battle Royale of 2011, when Caroline went off on Tyler like that, I got a bit teary.  And there was a big part of me that wanted to give Tyler a hug . . .

But that part of me got MAJORLY PISSED off all over again, when Tyler went running to his new Crazy Were-Losers, and  told them about THE MOONSTONE!

Seriously, Doofus?  Did Stefan’s “I Have a Were/Vamp Dream” Speech teach you ABSOLUTELY nothing?”

You are SO on my poopy list, now Tyler!

Speaking of my Poopy List . . .

Creepy Uncle / Father D-bag

Meanwhile, Creepy Uncle / Father John tried to “play nice” by giving Elena her adoptive mom’s bracelet . . .

 . . . and teaching Damon how to kill an Original Vampire using stakes and ash.  (IS THAT IT?  Honestly, I was hoping you would need something way cooler than that to kill someone as awesome as Elijah . . . Pennies from Heaven, perhaps?)

But then John screwed up EVERYTHING by joining Team Katherine, and promising to free her from her tomb . . .

Then again, THIS could be an excellent opportunity for us Kefan fans to get the REAL Katherine / Stefan sex scene we’ve all been dreaming of, for quite some time now . . .

KJewls Poopy List

Brady the Were-oaf

Soul Crusher Jules

Were-extras

Rose (even though she’s dead . . . YAY!)

Tyler (for “being a dick to Caroline,” and for spilling the beans about the “Moonstone”)

Creepy Uncle / Father John  (They better have sex, dude!  That’s all I’m going to say.  Or your ass is going right back on this list.)

Alls Well that Ends SEXY!

Back at Caroline’s house, Stefan has commandeered Elena and Bonnie, and transported them to the poor tired Baby Vamp’s place for some MUCH NEEDED Girl Time . . .

Even as a staunch Delena fan, I must admit that my heart softened a bit, when Elena turned to Stefan and mouthed, “I love you,” to him for having  truly been there for her Bestie, when she needed it most.  Undoubtedly,  while all this is happening, Elena is thinking about what a good DAD Stefan would be . .  . if he were ever actually capable of having kids .  . . which he’s not. 

Speaking of Delena . . .

I know that technically it’s “weird” of me to classify this scene, which features Damon naked and necking with that random reporter chick, as a Delena scene.  And yet, it’s not what Damon DOES in this scene that’s important (OK . . . who am I kidding? Damon being naked is ALWAYS important!) . . .

 . . . but rather, what he SAYS, during the scene (while naked) that’s so very satisfying to me, and, I suspect to other members’ of my Mother Ship . . .

“I need help, because I love a woman I WILL ABSOLUTELY EVENTUALLY HAVE can never have,” Damon tells his new Sex Toy, while gulping down glasses of wine, and lathering his hot bod with soap bubbles.  “I’m in love with her, and it’s driving me crazy.  I’m not in control . . .  I’m bad . . . I do things . . . I kill people,” Damon adds, before compelling Andie to be calm, in a super hot way, that involves her staring at his luscious lips, and intense eyes.

(OK . . . does this make you calm?  Because it makes me positively hornygiddy!)

” She wants me to be better, but I can’t be,” Damon concludes, his eyes welling up with tears for maybe the third or fourth time this season, which I LOVE!

Long story short . . . Damon still LOVES Elena, so much so, that he’s become one of those guys that talks about the girl he LOVES with the girl he SLEEPS with. 

Now, what I’m actually liking about Andie, and why she’s TOTALLY cool with me so far — in a way that Rose never was — is that she’s perfectly happy to just be the Booty Call.  So far, at least, Random Reporter Sex Toy sees no need to be in a “relationship” with Damon, or even really be his friend.  She’s just his “distraction,” and that’s FINE with her!

In fact, Andie acts like most of us probably would act, if we were lucky enough to be making out in a bathtub with Damon Salvatore  — just thrilled to be THERE! 🙂  Andie even gives Damon some pretty awesome advice, “Love does that . . . it changes people.  You can change.”  (You are right, Andie!  HE CAN CHANGE!  The question is, do we really want him to?)

In the end, Damon is tired of listening to Andie talk.  (So, are we! )  So, he tells her to just kiss him, and be his distraction.  And doggonit if it’s not the most romantic, “I plan to use you for sex, and you will like it” pickup line, I have ever heard in my entire life!

(Of course, I’m ad-libbing a bit  here, because it’s about 4 am, and this is the LONGEST RECAP I HAVE EVER WRITTEN!  But you can check out the full scene, in all its Nudy Glory here.)

And that was the amazing “Daddy Issues” episode, in a VERY LARGE, nutshell.  Thanks for reading, Fangbangers! 

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The Doppelicious Duo and a (barely there) Naked Damon – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Katerina”

ELENA:  Oh Stefan . . . It was awful!  I was busy trying to get information from Katherine about all this Doppelganger Stuff, when . . . all of the sudden . . . Damon . . . he . . . he . . .he . . . F$%KED ROSE!  *cries uncontrollably*

STEFAN:  Wait .  . . who’s Rose, again?

ELENA:  I know!  Right?

This week, on The Vampire Diaries, we made some new “friends” (most of whom were dead by the end of the episode), learned about Katherine’s origins as well as Klaus’s Evil Master Plan, and we saw some NAKED DAMON . . .

“Well, hello there, ladies!  My name is Naked Damon.  I’m a lot like regular Damon, except I’m . . . you know . . . naked and stuff.”

 . . . or at least we would have if SOMEONE wasn’t rubbing up on him, and REPEATEDLY BLOCKING OUR VIEW!

Ummm . . . Rosie . . . can I call you, Rosie?   I know you are new here.  And, perhaps, you don’t really know how these things work.  So, let me let you in on a little secret . . .cock blocking Team Delena the camera from Naked Damon, is not exactly going to endear you to fans, if you catch my drift.

So, without further adieu, let’s step WAY back in time, and review what we’ve learned.  Shall we?

It’s 1490 in Bulgaria.  Do you know where your Kat is?

The episode opens with a very human Kat giving birth to a baby (Thereby, setting into motion the chain of events that would result in Elena’s birth — roughly 500 years later – and, by extension, making possible the existence of a  television series we lovingly refer to as The Vampire Diaries).

“You’re welcome!”

Had Katherine’s parents known then, what wonderful things would ultimately result from the birth of their grandchild, they might have been a bit kinder to its mother.  Unfortunately, there was no CW in Bulgaria, back in 1490.  Therefore, all Katherine’s parents could see was their Big Slut Daughter, who got herself knocked up, without first managing to obtain the Wedding Ring that would make such a condition acceptable.  So, the PARENTS FROM HELL took Katherine’s baby away, and threw their poor teenage daughter’s ass out into the cold.  (Wow.  I can’t believe I just used the word “poor” to describe THIS GIRL . . .)

Weird . . .

Back in the Present Day . . .

Elena rings the doorbell at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Answering the door is Damon, who is, presumably, seeing Elena for the first time, since he made his HEARTFELT, BUT COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN, CONFESSION OF LOVE to her, last week . . .

Kickass picspam brought to you by The Vampire Diaries Tumblr.

Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy this moment while it lasts.  Because this will be the ONLY TIME DAMON AND ELENA INTERACT THE ENTIRE EPISODE!

After exchanging some smouldering looks with Damon, Elena quickly enters La Casa.  And, so, the weekly Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation ensues, starring Elena, Damon, Stefan, and Evil Man Stealer! Newbie Rose.

It goes a little something like this . . .

STEFAN:  Some Big Bad Vampire named Klaus is the villain trying to kill you this week, Elena.

DAMON:  But he’s probably not real, anyway.

ROSE: Yes, he is.

DAMON:  No, he’s not.

ROSE: Yes, he is.

DAMON:  Remember last week, when I told you I loved you, Elena?  Please remember because EVERYBODY wants you to remember REALLY BADLY.

ELENA:  I do remember.  And I love you too, Honey Bun!

ELENA:  I’m bored.  Off to class!  Toodles!

“OK, is it just me, or was that TOTALLY unhelpful?”

Little do Stefan and Damon know . . .

 . . . that Elena has plans of her own, ones that don’t involve freaking out about some Big Scary Boogeyman Vampire with a Dorky Name.  Elena wants to talk to Katherine, and get the real scoop on why all those Old Fogey Vampires want her dead.  So, she enlists Caroline to help her get into the tomb. 

Honestly, you would think that Caroline would put up more of a fight over this.  Especially considering that, just two episodes ago, she and the Scooby Gang spent AN ENTIRE NIGHT trying to get Katherine into the tomb, so the Evil Vamp wouldn’t KILL ALL THEIR FRIENDS.  But no.  Caroline seems more concerned about whether Papa Stefan will yell at her and, possibly, ground her, if he finds out she deliberately disobeyed him.

“Dark Stefan is NO JOKE, Elena!  You should see what he does to those cute little defenseless bunnies . . .”

Remember back in Season 1, when the gang spent an entire episode opening the tomb, and the sheer effort of it, KILLED Poor Grandma Bennett?

“Yeah . . . that SUCKED!”

Well, Damon must have used a MUCH cheaper lock.  Because, to open the tomb this time, our girl Caroline simply has to  lift up the door of the tomb, and move it out of the way.  And yet, despite how INSANELY easy the tomb is to open, we are told that Katherine is completely incapable of leaving it, because she is agoraphobic some witchiness around the tomb keeps all vampires who enter inside it until the plot deems it convenient for them to be let out FOREVER.

Moments, after the tomb is opened, Katherine hobbles toward its exit.

We know immediately that “Tomb Life” hasn’t been easy on Katherine, because (1) the foundation she’s wearing on her face is about two shades lighter than the rest of her body (A Common Beginner’s Makeup Application Mistake, by the way); (2) her non-waterproof mascara has run, giving her raccoon eyes; and (3) she now talks all weird and whispery, like a little kid impersonating a very old lady.

Fortunately for Katherine, Elena has come bearing gifts.  She’s brought over that Big Ole Book containing Katherine’s family history, as well as some blood in an empty Poland Spring bottle, along with one of those little sippy cups that Mom’s use to give their babies cough medicine.

As it turns out, Elena wants to play a “little game” with Katherine.  Knowing the Old Vamp has not eaten in two episodes, and is starting to look slightly blood-orexic, Elena decides to give Katherine a sippy cup full of blood, for every Klaus-related fact the bloodsucker shares.  Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Mystic Falls . . .

. . . high school has just let out for the day.  And so, Jeremy decides to commence Shameless Flirting with Bonnie Part 3.  He sees an opening, when Little Miss Klutz conveniently drops all her books on the floor.

“My Dear Maiden, it looks like you have dropped your school books.  This sounds like a job for .  . . MINI GILBERT!”

Of course, rather than offer to take the darn things off Bonnie’s hands, and carry them for her, Jeremy simply retrieves the books, and shoves them back into the witch’s wimpy arms.  (Future Boyfriend FAIL!)  Jeremy then invites Bonnie to play pool with him at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  This is when Bonnie really turns on the charm.  “Ewww Gross!  You’re my best friend’s brother!”  She tells him, more or less.

“Ooh, I love it when they treat me like crap.  Hit me, baby.  One more time!”

However, recognizing that the rest of the cast obviously has other plans, Bonnie ultimately decides to reconsider Jeremy’s offer.  So what if she’s bad at pool?  Jeremy is more than willing to help Bonnie learn her way around balls and a stick!  Speaking of “learning to drive stick,” remember this?

*Sigh*

Anyway, Jeremy’s chances of getting Bonnie in the sack seem to be REALLY looking up . . . that is, until the NEW GUY comes along.

Ahhh . . . another new character has found their way to Mystic Falls.  You know what I like to do with new characters on this show?  Find compromising pictures of them as child stars, from the early 90’s, and post them on the internet . . .

Well, hello there.  Little Richie from Family Matters!  My, have you grown!

So, New Guy Luka wants to find the school’s main office.  He introduces himself to Jeremy, who politely shakes his hand, and Bonnie, who’s so obviously hot for the guy, she nearly detaches her jaw, and swallows him whole.

“Hi Luka, my name is BoneMe . . . er . . . um . . . I mean Bonnie.”

Eager to size up his competition (and probably more even eager to separate the New Guy from the Carniverous Bonnie), Jeremy “gallantly” offers to personally direct Luka to the school’s main office.  However, before doing so, he instructs Bonnie to meet him over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls a little later.

So, Bonnie heads to the Only Bar / Social Estabishment at Mystic Falls to wait for Jeremy.  And, who should she meet there, but . . .

George Clooney?

Just kidding, it’s Luka and his dad, Jonas .  . .

Not that Jonas . . .

That’s the ONE!

Unfortunately, Papa Jonas TOTALLY pisses on his son’s game, by making some uncomfortable references to the Bennett Family’s Salem Witchy Roots. 

“OMG!  My dad is SUCH an Urkel!”

When Jeremy FINALLY arrives to retrieve Bonnie for their “date,” the Little Witch actually seems relieved to be free of Jonas and his hot son.  However, just moments later, while Jeremy is generously tutoring Bonnie in the art of fondling sticks handling a pool cue . . .

Luka butts in AGAIN.  As it turns out,  the New Guy very much wants to f*ck Bonnie, play against the winner of Bonnie’s and Jeremy’s friendly pool game.

“You know what they say . . . once you go 8-ball, you NEVER GO BACK!”

Now, unless Bonnie is the Best Pool Hustler in the World, I’m assuming she didn’t win her game against Jeremy.  So, it kind of surprised me to see a normally possessive Jeremy playing with his balls alone (um . . . I was referring to pool balls, of course), while Bonnie cuddled inside a booth with Luka, who’s father had presumably left the bar, sometime during the commercial break.

Eventually, a pissed off Jeremy leaves the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, without Bonnie, and without his balls . . .

But Bonnie doesn’t really seem to notice . . .

Luka rightly apologizes to Bonnie for how TOTALLY creepy his dad acted earlier.  You see, Luka’s dad took one look at Bonnie, and knew immediately that she was a witch.  (And she didn’t even have to give him a Massive Headache, like she usually does!  Go figure!)  Inexplicably, this supposedly made “Jonas” worry that Bonnie would “out” Luka and his dad for their magical powers. 

What magical powers, you ask?  Well, this week, we learned that Luka can . . . play with table salt?

Ummm . . . I hate to break it to you Luka, but that’s pretty much the LAMEST SUPER POWER EVER!  I mean, how exactly do you plan on defeating your enemies?  By giving them High Blood Pressure?  When Bonnie asks whether Luka is a witch, Mr. Persnickety corrects her, by saying he’s a “warlock.”

Was I the only one hoping he would say “wizard?”

What can I say?  I have a thing for guys with really big wands . . .

Katherine’s Story

Back at the tomb, Katherine is still telling her life story, in exchange for little sippy cup-sized sips of blood.  Already, she is looking healthier than she was when the episode began . . . or, at least as “healthy” as a 500-year old corpse can look.  Apparently, after being banished from Bulgaria, Katherine traveled to England and hooked up with Klaus.  (“Hooked up?”  Oooh, does this mean Klaus could be HOT?  *crosses fingers*) 

I should probably mention here, that, although he was mentioned throughout this episode, we never actually got to see Klaus.  And, until we do actually get to see him, this is how I, personally, will be picturing the Big Bad Vamp in my head . . .

Hey!  It could happen!

Despite the fact that Klaus looks suspiciously similar to Vampire Eric Northman, Katherine ultimately decided to dump him.  Don’t get her wrong, it’s not like he wasn’t a good lay or anything . . .

It’s just that he kept trying to use her as an ingredient in his recipe for Moonstone Curse Breaking Stew!  (So, NOT A TURN ON!)  Speaking of that stew, Klaus would now like to include Elena in it, which is why he is currently on the hunt for her. 

Now, just in case your interested in whipping up a batch of the delicious concoction for yourself, here are the ingredients you need to make Moonstone Curse Breaking Stew:

(1) one human Petrova Doppelganger . . .

(2) one werewolf . . .

(3) one vampire . . .

(4) one witch to recite the appropriate spell . . .

(5) and, of course, the Moonstone, itself . . .

How very convenient that the “ingredients list” for Moonstone Curse Breaking stew seems to comprise most of the supporting cast of The Vampire Diaries!

Suddenly, Katherine’s bizarro Season 2 actions make TOTAL sense!  She’s been on a Scavenger Hunt for the Moonstone Breaking Curse ingredients!  But . . . wait a minute . . .  why would Katherine want to help Klaus, if he’s been trying to kill her all these years?  As it turns out, it’s the same reason Rose and Trevor wanted to help Klaus (and his Evil Minion, Elijah) . . . freedom from persecution.

But, perhaps, I’m getting ahead of myself . . .

Back in 1490 England, an on-the-run, a still-human Katherine caught the eye of a familar face . . .

You guys remember Trevor, right?  That Hot Mental Midget who kidnapped Elena, and literally “lost his head,” as a result?  Well, apparently, that dude used to be in love with Katherine.  (Because, as we all know, it is in Nina Dobrev’s contract that every male character on this show, MUST fall in love with one of her two characters, at least once each season).

“What can I say?  My milkshake brings all the vamps to the yard .  . .”

So, Trevor sends Katherine to his vampire buddy Rose’s cottage, assuming that she will be safe from Klaus there.  But Rose isn’t having it.  She wants to take Katherine back to Klaus ASAP.  So Katherine wounds herself fatally, while Rose isn’t looking.  “I’d rather die, than go back to Klaus,” Katherine explains.

“OK . . . now I am deeply hurt.”

Knowing full well that Klaus’ recipe requires the sacrifice of a LIVE Petrova, not a dead one, Rose refuses to let Katherine die.  So, she cuts open her wrist, and shoves her vampiric blood down Katherine’s throat to heal her.  However, since Rose is nowhere NEAR as smart, as I thought she was last week, she walks away AGAIN.  This gives Katherine just enough time to hang herself.

When Katherine reawakens from death (due to having Rose’s blood in her system) she promptly drinks the blood of Rose’s human housemaid.  And POOF, an EVIL VAMPIRE BIATCH is born!

“What’s new, Pussy Kat?”

You see, as I mentioned earlier, the Moonstone Curse Breaking stew requires a live human Petrova doppelganger, since an original Petrova’s sacrifice was what sealed the curse in the first place.  (The Petrova doppelgangers themselves were “created” as part of the original curse, to continually give vampires, and werewolves (?) the opportunity to try and break the curse)  Since Katherine is no longer “living” or “human,” she no longer fits the requirements of the recipe.

Upon returning to Rose’s cottage and learning what happened, a poor lovesick Trevor is kind of hurt that Katherine would rather Go Vamp, than spend a life time as his human pet.  He also recognizes that, thanks to Katherine’s transformation under their watch, he and Rose will now have targets on their backs for the rest of eternity. 

“Oops, did I do that?”

Better you die, than I,” scoffs the uber selfish Katherine, before dashing out of the cottage at new, Super Vamp speed.

In fact, she “runs” all the way back to her birth home in Bulgaria.  When we see her next, it is 1492.  Columbus has sailed the ocean blue, and Katherine has sailed right into THIS . . .

Hey, I have something just like this hanging on MY WALL at home!

That’s right, boys and girls.  Klaus murdered Katherine’s entire family (but obviously, not her baby . . . or else we all wouldn’t be here).  When Katherine assumed she could disobey Klaus, go vamp, and get off scot free, she was WRONG.  You see, Katherine had seriously underestimated Klaus’ penchant for REVENGE. 

We see the seemingly stone-hearted Katherine break down in tears, as she mourns the death of her parents.  I mean, sure, they were A**holes, who took away her kid and kicked her out of the house, when she was still a teenager.  But they were her a**holes.  And for the first time ALL season, I found myself feeling just a smidgeon sorry for Katherine.

I KNOW!  Crazy, right?

“You have a friend?”

While Elena is chilling with Doppelicious, Caroline is busy trying to keep Stefan from figuring out where Elena is, and what she’s doing.  So, Caroline decides to invite Stefan to . . . SURPRISE, SURPRISE . . . the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.

“Oh, COME ON, Caroline!  This is the best you can do to distract me?  You couldn’t have taken me to a strip club, or something?”

Hoping to keep Stefan’s mind occupied on something other than Elena’s absence, Caroline admits to telling New Werewolf Tyler that she’s a vampire. 

To his credit, Papa Stefan keeps his cool about Caroline’s admission.  However, he can’t help but patronizingly lecture her about what a risk she was taking, by doing that.  In a very sweet moment that totally embodies the relationship these two have with eachother, Caroline wonders why Stefan seems to be always looking out for her.  Stefan admits that Caroline reminds Stefan of an old friend of his.

“You have a friend?”  Caroline snarks.

“Her name is Lexie,” Stefan replies.

Poor Dead Lexie . . . here’s hoping Caroline doesn’t suffer the same miserable fate . . .

Caroline tries to keep stalling Stefan, by admitting that she wants to help Tyler confront his First Full Moon.  However, the always-obsessive Stefan just isn’t having it.  He wants his Elena, and he wants her NOW, DAMMIT!

“Stop yammering, and give me my girlfriend, you B*TCH!”

But the increasingly loyal Caroline holds her ground, explaining to Stefan that while she does consider Stefan a friend, Elena is her friend too.  And she refuses to betray Elena.  Annoyed at not getting his way, Stefan stomps off.  But it doesn’t really matter.  Stefan has already figured out what Elena has done.  And he is PISSED!

Back in Tomb Town .  . .

Katherine has told Elena that Klaus will most certainly kill her, unless, of course, she goes vamp, like Katherine herself did, all those years ago.  To prove her point, Katherin cuts her wrist and offers it up to Elena to drink . . .

But Elena’s too wimpy to do a cool thing like that.  (I know, I know . . . I love her too . . . but you have to admit, she’s not exactly a Fly By the Seat of Her Pants, kind of Bad Girl). 

“Hey!  I can be BAD.   Just last night, I went to bed without brushing my teeth!”

Stefan arrives, just as Katherine is telling Elena that Klaus will kill everyone she loves, if she doesn’t die at his hand.

Stefan tries to tell Elena that Katherine is a Big Fat Liar, but Katherine won’t let him.  “Face it, Stefan, [Elena] is doomed.  There is nothing you can do to stop it,” she insists.

And yet, there might be SOMETHING they can do . . . It is then that Katherine reveals her hidden bargaining chip, namely, the Moonstone .  . .

Stefan, of course, is FURIOUS that Katherine has once again so thoroughly manipulated him.  “You Manipulative Psychotic B*tch!”  Stefan seethes.

“That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out!”

As it turns out, although Stefan is right about Katherine manipulating the Scooby Gang, he is wrong about her ultimate motive.  You see, contrary to what Stefan thinks, Katherine didn’t take the moonstone to bargain her way out of the tomb.  In fact,  Katherine doesn’t want out of the tomb AT ALL.  Because, the tomb is the only place where Klaus can’t get her.  “[In here] I’ll be the safest Psychotic B*tch in town,” Kat concludes.

On their way home from the tomb, Dr. Stefan, who’s ALWAYS up for the Sharing of Sappy Feelings, forces Elena to open up about what just went down.  “Don’t shut me out,” he pleads with her.

Eventually, a tearful Elena breaks down, admitting that she was wrong in thinking that it was the Salvatore brothers’ arrival in Mystic Falls that put all of Elena’s friends in danger.  “All of this is because of me,” explains Elena sadly.

“Well DUHHHH!”

As nice of a guy as he is, Stefan can’t bring himself to lie to Elena, and tell her that what she just said isn’t true.   Because it TOTALLY is!  So, he just gives her a sweet hug instead . . .

Damon takes another Road Trip . . .

While Elena is engaging in a Battle of Wits with Katherine (and losing terribly), Damon is back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome with Rose.

Of course, like EVERYBODY ELSE ON THIS SHOW, Rose, within minutes of meeting Damon, instantly recognizes his love for Elena.  “I’m not in love with anyone,” Big Fat Liar Damon replies, getting up in Rose’s face just to prove how NOT in love he really is . . .

But enough of this mushy stuff. especially since Elena is not there!  After Rose admits to Damon that she summoned Old Vamp Elijah (who they both mistakenly think is dead) through a vampire friend living in Richmond, Damon suggests a road trip to visit this friend.  Rose gently reminds Damon that, unlike him, SHE does not have an Ugly Ass Sunscreen Ring to help her brave the sun.  This will make travel kind of difficult for her.

Well GEEZ, Rose!  How have you been on Earth 500 years, and never once thought to get yourself an Ugly Ass Sunscreen Ring?  VAMPIRE FAIL!

Nevertheless, Damon and Rose somehow make it to Richmond, without Rose burning to a crisp unfortunately.  There, they find this funky little cyber cafe, that LOOKS like it is completely sun exposed, but actually isn’t.    (Don’t ask.)  There, they meet Slater, Contacter of Elijah . . .

Though Slater is a vampire, he actually more closely resembles that DONKEY THING from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe . . .

He also takes the term “Professional Student” to a whole new level, having earned as many as 18 undergraduate degrees in varying subjects, and a few post-graduate ones, during his vampire life.  To me, Slater comes off as kind of a plot device know-it-all, rattling off to Damon and Rose an explanation as to why Klaus wants to break the Moonstone Curse. 

If you recall from earlier episodes, the Moonstone Curse keeps vampires from being able to travel in sunlight, and keeps werewolves turning wolfish, every full moon.  If one species breaks the curse, his or her whole race is free of it, while the opposing race will be bound by the curse forever. 

Honestly?  I’m not quite sure why it would be SO important for Klaus to break the curse at all, especially since Old Ass Vamps like him and Elijah seem to have no trouble walking in the sun, ANYWAY.  However, I have never been one to sass my elders.  So, I will not judge Klaus.  I’m sure he has good reason for doing what he’s doing.  (That . . . and he’d probably eat me, if he found out I was dissing on his motives).

But you know who I WILL diss on?  Slater.  You know how he contacts the Big Bad Elijah?  He puts ads on CRAIGS LIST!  Umm . . . yeah . . . I can’t really think of anything that says “Cool Vampire” less than Craigs List Old Ass Vampire Wanted posts.  Then again, no one ever said Slater was a Cool Vampire.

“Coolness is overrated, anyway!”

Unfortunately, Slater doesn’t have very much time to prove his “coolness,” because Elijah’s outside “playing with his coins.”

And, for reasons, I don’t quite understand, that causes this to happen . . .

Now exposed to the sun and STILL without Ugly Ass Sunscreen Rings to protect them, Slater and Rose are suddenly in very serious risk of having their faces turn to THIS . . .

But, fortunately, SUPER DAMON is there to rescue them!

Well, at least he’s there to rescue Rose, by picking her up, wrapping her in his coat, and gallantly carrying her to safety.    (Slater, he just kind of leaves alone to rot . . . Oops.)

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon is drinking as per usual . . .

And Rose is talking about her feelings, also as per usual.  Somehow this leads to talk of turning off feelings, which leads to Damon and Rose having sex . . .

You see this picture?  It DIDN’T come from this episode.  You wanna now why?  Because we BARELY saw Damon shirtless in this episode, despite the fact that he . . . HAD SEX DURING IT.  You wanna know why?  Because ROSE WAS ALWAYS IN THE WAY!

You can cry all you want, Rose.  It’s not going to get you off my poopy list, any faster . . .

In a state of post coital numbness bliss, Rose and Damon talk about how, despite their assertions to the contrary, vampires can’t really turn off their feelings.  You know what that means, don’t you?

Oh, yeah!  It’s still on, Delena fans!

At the end of the episode, Slater calls Rose, and tells her to tell Damon that they need a witch to break the Moonstone Curse.  Later, we find out that Slater was compelled to say that.  That’s right, boys and girls, Old Ass Vampires Like Elijah can compel younger vampires!

(This kind of makes me wonder why Elijah didn’t use compulsion the first time, he tried to  kidnap Elena and met with vampiric opposition.  But again, I don’t sass my elders, so . . .)

Elijah then compels Poor Slater to kill himself.

And it’s weird.  Because, before he stakes himeslf, Slater KNOWS he’s being compelled to do it.  So, he repeatedly says very Meta things like.  “You’re compelling me to kill myself now.  I don’t really want to kill myself.  But I will, because you are making me.  Here I go . . . killing myself . . . almost dead . . . almost . . . yeah, I’m dead.”

Knowing you’re being compelled, but not being able to fight it . . . Now that’s gotta suck. something FIERCE!

Did I mention that Elijah is in league with Luka’s creepy dad, Jonas the Warlock?

I KNEW I didn’t like that guy for a reason!  Well, I hope you’re still cool, Little Richie from Family Matters . . .

While, there wasn’t NEARLY enough Delena in this episode for it to rank on my list of favorites, it does present some interesting plot points for the rest of the season.  And it’s going to make the upcoming TVD hiatus seem all the more interminable.  Hopefully, however, Naked Damon will help us cope, during this tough time.

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Do That Tomb Me, One More Time! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Masquerade”

Don’t you love it when our little Scooby Gang can put aside their differences, and come together to achieve a common goal?  I mean . . . think about it.  EVERYBODY played their part in Katherine’s destruction this week.  Alaric brought the weapons.  Bonnie set the trap.  Caroline led Kat into the trap.  The Salvatores kicked some Major Kat Ass, and Jeremy . . . well . . .  ummm . . .

 . . .  he looked really pretty!

So put on your party masks, everyone . . . it’s time to look back at how our favorite Scooby Crew turned a Mission Impossible into a Mission (mostly) Accomplished!

We ALL Need a Stiff One Sometimes . . .

ALARIC:  “My, what big WOOD you have, Damon!”

DAMON:  “The better to poke you with, My Dear Alaric.”  *does Eye Thing*

When the episode begins, Caroline is in DESPERATE need of a Stiff One.  And Damon kindly obliges . . .

“Phew, I really needed that.”

OK . . . I meant he gave her a DRINK . . . of blood . . . Get your mind out of the gutter!  (Damon’s a one-woman girl, now!  HE BELONGS TO ELENA!  DUH!)

That’s more like it!  (You’re welcome for the Shirtless Damon pic, by the way . . . they’ve been SO LACKING this season!  WTF Writers!)

Anyway, Caroline needed the Stiffy drink, because she had just had a run in with the EVIL KAT.  Apparently, Elena’s Much Cooler Twin Sister cornered the Baby Vamp, while she was skulking around Mystic Falls Only Bar / Social Establishment, and stalking her ex boyfriend, Zombie Matt.

“Must . . . eat . . . brains    be  . . . Random Plot Device   do . . . Katherine’s bidding.”

As per usual, Katherine wants Caroline to “deliver a message” to the Salvatore Detective Agency.  (What’s with all this getting your enemies to deliver your messages for you, Katherine?  Can’t you afford Fed Ex . . . or a good texting plan?)

“What do you MEAN, it’s going to take 3-to-5 business days to get there?  I eat customer service reps, like you for lunch!  No . . . really . . .I do.”

The “message” in question is that Katherine wants the Object-Formerly-Known as-Mason’s-Family-Jewels . . .

 (Sorry Wolfman!)

 . . . delivered to her that night, at Mystic Falls’ Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?)

(Seriously?  Aside from maybe the Hidey Hole Vamps, how many homeless people do you think actually live in Mystic Falls)

If the Brothers don’t deliver the Jewels to the Big Ball, THE TOWN WILL RAIN BLOOD!

“RAIN?  I didn’t even bring an umbrella!”

Caroline initially suggests that the Salvatore Detective Agency give Katherine what she wants so she will “GO AWAY!”

But Damon doesn’t PLAY that game!  “I’m not giving her my DICK again!”  He exclaims.

Would you, perhaps, consider giving it to ME, then?

Damon then states that HE plans to KILL Katherine (a revelation that would be truly shocking . . . if . . . say . . . you were stuck in an underground tomb somewhere, between this week and last, and, therefore, never saw any of the promos for this episode).  Then Stefan, ever the stereotypical little brother, states that he wants to kill Katherine, instead of Damon!

DAMON: “I’ll wrestle you for it.”

STEFAN:  “Fine . . . take off your shirt.”

Stupidity, Naivety, and, of course, more Uselessness . . .

After last week’s brief brush with plot importance, Aunt Jenna dutifully resumed Chronic Uselessness this week, when she was carried home by Matt, Elena, Alaric and Jeremy, after “accidentally stabbing herself in the abdomen with a knife.” 

(OK . . . could someone please tell me WHY these guys haven’t told Useless Aunt Jenna about the whole “Vampire Thing” yet?  Doesn’t her current status as the girlfriend of the male equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer earn her honorary admission into the Scooby Gang?  We all know she’s just going to keep “walking into the knives,” until she’s taught to do otherwise . . .)

Once alone, Jeremy asks Elena what she plans on doing about the whole “Kat Problem.”  And Elena, taking a page from the Useless Aunt Jenna Book of Problem Solving, replies, “Nothing.”

“I always knew I had all the brains in the family . . .”

Elena honestly believes that, because she broke up with Stefan she can FINALLY start screwing his Hot Brother Katherine will just ride off into the sunset on the coffin she rode in on.  “You are being a F*CKING MORON naive, and you know it!”  Jeremy scolds.

And with that, Mini Gilbert stalks off to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for yet another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation . . .

“I’ll Take ‘Weapons Commonly Used to Kill Vampires’ for $100, Alex”

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Alaric has quite literally opened up his Can of Vampire-Flavored Whup Ass on the rest of the Scooby Gang.  This guy’s got some phallic-shaped weapons that would make even Buffy blush!

DAMON:  “All that vampire slaying, and your hands are still silky smooth!  Do you mind my asking, what kind of moisturizer you use?”

Soon, Bonnie arrives with her . . .  to this day I can never figure out what they call that Witch Book of hers . . . Grimmore . . . Grin More . . . Gremlin? . . . whatever it is, she’s got a Big Book, and Stefan wants her to use it to help kill Katherine.

BONNIE:  “Do you want me to hit her on the head with it?  Because I could do that, you know . . .”

Stefan’s actual plan involves Bonnie performing a spell at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?) that will isolate Katherine from the rest of the party, so that the Brother Vamps can kill her in peace.  Then, Bonnie makes me like her character just a little bit more, by actually agreeing to the plan, without giving anyone a migraine . . .

 . . . or making a single Anti-Vampire comment, in the process.  (It’s a start . . .)

“As long as no one gets hurt,” Judgy Bonnie can’t help but scold.

(In hindsight, this was probably the funniest line in the whole episode.  Seriously!  Who didn’t get hurt at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?))

“Except for Katherine.  Tonight the Kat gets a stake through the heart,” concluded Damon (a line which undoubtedly scared the bejeesus out of all the cats,watching this episode . . . including mine . . . she’s a HUGE TVD fan!)

This isn’t her . . .

My Katherine, what a BIG WITCH you have!

Speaking of Katherine, it looks like she got herself a witch of her own.  And MAN is she TALL!  In fact, Witchy Lucy was SO tall, she made most of the cast look like miniature figurines!  After weeks of seeing the evil vamp threaten her adversaries, with sing-song one-liners and double entendres, it was nice to see Katherine with someone who (at least, at first) actually seemed like friend of hers.

When Lucy inquires as to why Katherine is straightening her hair, she replies conspiratorially, “I’m impersonating my dull as dishwater doppelganger, Elena.”

“She has terrible taste,” scoffs Katherine.

“Except in men!” Lucy replies.

When Katherine flirtatiously asks Lucy to be her “plus one” at the event, I couldn’t help but wonder if these two had ever “experimented” with eachother.  (Come on!  You just KNOW Katherine is the kind of girl who “swings both ways.”)

Everybody Rejects Elena . . . (for once in her life)

“WTF, guys!  You can’t engage in Scooby Games without ME!  You all LOVE ME, and I’m HOT!”

Back at the Gilbert house, Mopey Elena is being SUPER selfish!  She’s letting her breakup with Stefan get in the way of her going to a boozy party TO HELP THE HOMELESS!

She tries to get Zombie Matt to stay home with her (he used to LUUUUUUVVVV her, after all).  But Zombie Matt is on a suicidal mission . . . one which (shockingly) doesn’t involve Elena.  But when Elena finds out that Stefan AND Jeremy went to “help the homeless” too, she gets REALLY pissed!

“I’m glad he’s going,” says Useless Aunt Jenna, of Jeremy.  “He needs to lose the Emo Thing.”

(“Emo Thing,” Jenna?  COME ON!  That is SO Season 1!)

Ultimately, however, it’s Alaric that spills the beans about the Scooby Gang and their Ocean’s 11-esque plan to Kill the Kat, and Save the Elena!

“What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a good Spoiler!”

So Many Dicks, So Little Time . . .

Having watched the episode, I now see that the purpose of that seemingly random scene between Tyler and his mom, was to, more or less, foreshadow what happened to him at the end of the episode.  However, when I first watched it, I was pretty certain it was all about DICKS . . .

“Why so much ‘dick’?  You’ve got something against the word ‘weiner?'”

Tyler apologized for being a DICK . . . Tyler’s mom said Tyler’s dead dad could be a DICK sometimes . . . Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.  Between all these dicks, and the two Damon used in the opening scenes, I found myself sorely wishing I had created a drinking game around this word, before the episode began . . .

Slutty Amy Meets Her Maker . . .

As if the attempted murder of Useless Aunt Jenna, and the zombification / attempted murder of Matt weren’t enough of an indication, Katherine once again proved herself to be NO JOKE early on in the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?).  After a very sexy slow dance with Stefan, Katherine, angered by Stefan’s staunch refusal to give her the Moonstone right away, claimed the episode’s first victim, in a matter of minutes . . .

We barely knew thee, ya big WHORE!

Your dress is “GORG!” swoons Slutty Amy to Vampire Katherine, who she believes to be Elena.  Casting a final defiant look in Stefan’s direction, Katherine casually walks over to the well-meaning, but incredibly dim girl, and snaps her neck.

“OMG!  I can’t believe you just did that!  It makes me so . . . thirsty.”

And the Senseless Death Award goes to . .  .

  . . . wait . . . I already forgot her name . . .

Tyler gets some action (and his first taste of CGI Graphics . . .)

“Hey Matt, is that a murder weapon in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

So, here’s the question I have about this whole “compelling thing:”  When a subject is compelled to do something, how long does that suggestion last?  Is Jenna going to keep “accidentally walking into knives?”  Is Matt going to keep trying to get Tyler to kill him, even though Katherine is (at least, temporarily) out of the picture, and the reason for the mission has already been accomplished?

I only ask, because I noticed that, even though Katherine gave Matt the suggestion to provoke Tyler until Tyler killed him, last week, Katherine felt the need to compel him AGAIN, with the same suggestion, at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?). 

Perhaps, she was afraid viewers he would forget?

“God, you are HOT!  Now go away!”  Katherine told Matt, her message having been successfully re-delivered.

So, off went Matt, along with Slutty Sarah . . .

 . . . and Tyler into the “Forbidden Room” a.k.a. “Dad’s Study” to get wasted.  Once the trio is suitably hammered, Matt starts acting like . . . for lack of a better term . . . a TOTAL DICK . . .

Speaking of dicks (AGAIN!), Matt starts calling Tyler’s Dead Dad ONE.  (Talk about speaking ill of the dead, this is the second time this hour that the dearly departed Mayor has been called a part of the male anatomy.)  Matt then randomly pours a bottle of expensive liquor on the carpet, and smashes a picture of Tyler and his father to the ground.  “Remember when your Dad used to slap you around?”  Matt slurringly inquires.

“I’m not going to fight you,”  says Tyler, just as he does EVERYTIME he’s about to fight someone.

Then Matt starts to attack him . . .

The two “go at it” (wink, wink) for a little while, as Slutty Sarah watches with interest.   Then Caroline . . .

 . . . having just completed her Scooby Gang task (more on that, in a bit) . .  . hears the ruckus, using her super sensitive vampire ears.  Off rushes Baby Vamp to kick some ass, and take some names!

In minutes, Caroline has put herself in between the fighting boys.  With little effort at all, she knocks Matt unconscious to the ground.  He’s woozy and wasted, but alive. 

“That was ALL KINDS of hot, Caroline!  I’m stroking my pool stick, just thinking about it.”

Crisis averted . . . or so it seemed . . . but as we learned last week, Katherine always has a Plan B!   “Matt failed.  If Matt fails, I can’t,” utters Slutty Sarah robotically, as she lunges at Tyler with a very sharp letter opener.

“TYLER LOOK OUT!”  Caroline screams, from the floor next to Matt.

Caught off guard, a very freaked out Tyler knocks Slutty Sarah into his deceased father’s desk.  And Slutty Sarah, who, might I remind you, survived BEING PUSHED DOWN AN ENTIRE FLIGHT OF WOODEN STEPS, early on in the season, hits her head and dies instantly.

But, hey . . . at least her death wasn’t SENSELESS, like her friend Amy’s!  Caroline rushes to examine Slutty Sarah’s non-existent pulse, while Tyler hunches over in pain.  That’s when it happens.  Tyler’s eyes begin to bug out, werewolf style . . .

 . . . and THAT was how his curse was ACTIVATED!

After dropping Matt off in the car to “sleep it off,” Caroline returns to check on Tyler, who has broken the news of Slutty Sarah’s death to his mother.  Mommy Dearest takes it surprisingly well.  It kind of makes me wonder how much she knows about the Werewolf Curse, which both her husband, and now her son, have experienced firsthand.  “It was an accident,” she says calmly.  “We’ll take care of it.”

“I’ll deal with Matt,” Caroline says comfortingly to Tyler. 

“Why are you doing all this [for me]?”  Tyler inquires.   “I killed her.  She’s dead.  You have no idea what that means.”

“Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle DEAD!”

“Yes . . . I do,” replies the Undead Triple Homicide Veteran. 

Caroline then calls Tyler’s attention to his heretofore bloody wounds, now healed.  “How did you do that?”  Tyler asks, now staring at the sexy blonde intently.

(Hmmmmm . . .  well . . . Caroline and Tyler would be more interesting together than Caroline and Matt.  That’s for sure!  Just out of curiousity, how bizarre exactly do you think a vampire / werewolf lovechild would look, anyway?)

Here’s a good guess!

The Best Laid Plans

Back in Kill Kat Land, Stefan chastises himself for not killing Kat during the Memory Lane episode, when he had the chance.  Damon, always eager to best his brother, argues that this would NEVER happen to him.  “You loved her for over 140 years.  It could happen . . .”  Stefan warns.

“Whatever happens, I’ve got your back,” says Damon to his Baby Bro.  “Tonight, it [Kat’s Reign of Terror] ends.”

Meanwhile, Mr. I-Am-Incapable-of-Being-Single-and-Therefore-Will-Hit-On/Fall-in-Love-with ANYONE, Jeremy decides that this would be a great opportunity to put the moves on his Big Sister’s sort of/kind of best friend.

“Nice boobs, Bonnie!  Way nicer than Tyler’s .  . . a bit nicer than Anna’s . . . but not quite as nice as Vicki’s”

“You are 100% B*tch Witch.  That is so cool,” remarks Jeremy flirtatiously, as Bonnie puts the finishing touches on her Kathering Binding spell.

Surprise!  Surprise!  If Jeremy had witchy powers, he says he would use them to perform Sex Spells . . .

When did this episode of The Vampire Diaries become the movie Eyes Wide Shut?

[Being a witch] never ends well for people like me,” complains Bonnie morbidly. 

(Talk about KILLING THE MOOD, BONNIE!)

While the pair are talking, Bonnie gets a “feeling” (it’s called being horny) that she has to investigate . . .

The “feeling,” as it turns out, comes from Mini Gilbert fellow witch, Lucy . . .

The plan now set in motion, Jeremy finds Katherine and tells her to meet Stefan and Damon upstairs, where they will supposedly give her the Moonstone.  Next up is Caroline, who finds herself accosted by Katherine for the second time this episode.

“They are trying to kill you,” squeaks Caroline, as her head is pushed into a wall.

“Where’s Bonnie?”  Katherine wisely inquires to a “choked up” Caroline.

“She’s upstairs,” replies Caroline breathlessly.

Katherine drags Caroline upstairs.  Then, the Baby Vamp leads the Old as Sh*t Vamp to a guest bedroom.  Bonnie is not there.  But Stefan and Damon are.  And now, thanks to Bonnie’s spell, Katherine can’t leave!

“I DID IT!”  Caroline squeals with joy, practically jumping up and down at the thought of having bested the vampire who “killed her.”  “Goodbye Kat!”  She says, giving her a cute girly finger wave, before exiting stage left. (LOVE HER!)

While Katherine is distracted by Stefan and his little baby dagger, Damon approaches her from behind with his big BULL of a SHOTGUN! *wink wink*

But this . .. is when things start to go wrong . . .

Down on the ground below, Elena has crashed the party in plain clothes.  Apparently the Debbie Downer has come to pee on all the fun that is the Salvatore Detective Agency Feline Murder Plot . . .

Note:  When I first screencapped this scene from the trailer, I was POSITIVE that it featured Damon and Elena!  Imagine my disappointment to learn that it was Mini Gilbert instead . . .

You don’t need to do this for me,” remarks Little Miss Selfish to her brother, when she learns what the crew has planned in her absence.

“It’s not just about YOU!  NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!  She’s messed with all of us.   She has to be stopped!”  Jeremy explains.

Suddenly, a massive bullet wound appears on Elena’s stomach.

Elena doubles over, in pain!  Bonnie instantly realizes that Katherine’s witch, Lucy, linked the doppelgangers together, so that when Damon and Stefan hurt Katherine, they would also hurt the NEW love of BOTH of their lives, Elena.  Bonnie rushes to find Lucy, while Jeremy tends to Elena . . .

Meanwhile, the battle of Salvatore Brothers versus Katherine rages on!  And as my Blogger Pal Amy (not the Slutty Dead ONE from the show) remarked, it was SUPER KINKY!

There was tons of panting, grunting, thrusting and vamped-out posturing . . .

Phallic weapons were stroked, poked, and prodded into skin that bumped and grinded against other skin. 

There were big STICKS flying everywhere, penetrating EVERYTHING!

“EAT IT!  PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!  SWALLOW!”

At one point, Katherine straddled Stefan, while Damon approached her from behind, ready to “strike.”

It was AWESOME!

At that moment, Jeremy rushes in to tell the brothers that Katherine and Elena are linked, and that everything Damon and Stefan do to Katherine is also happening to Elena .  . .

Unable to fathom ever physically hurting the woman he has come to care for so deeply — even if it means losing to Katherine — Damon stops fighting immediately.  A worried expression instantly replaces the rage that had covered his face, just seconds before.

Talk about doing a complete 180!  NOW Katherine has begun hurting herself, as Damon and Stefan desperately try to STOP HER!

“Kiss me, Damon!  She’ll feel THAT too!”  Katherine taunts.

(GIRLS, HOW AWESOME WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF HE ACTUALLY DID IT?)

“What happened Damon, you used to be so polite?”  Katherine continues.

“That guy died a LONG time ago!”  Damon remarks shrewdly.

Like Isobel before her, Katherine instantly can see the extent to which Damon loves Elena, and how that effects Stefan.  She notes how both men are “worshipping at Elena’s alter,” when they used to worship at Katherine’s.

Stefan and Katherine then take a little trip down memory lane.  With Katherine remarking about how she has checked up on Stefan over the years, even going as far as to follow him to a Bon Jovi concert back in the 80’s.  (And you just KNOW Stefan had a  mullet back then!) 

Stefan, for his part, makes the connection between Werewolf George’s need for the moonstone back in 1864, and Katherine’s need for it now.

“You used the moonstone to bargain for your safety,” Stefan notes wisely.  “And you were already free, when we tried to save you.”  He recalls. 

“Yes, your obsession with me was very inconvenient, Damon,” Katherine scoffs.

“You and me both!”  Damon exclaims.

The old ball and chain . . .

Stefan wonders who Katherine has been running from all these years.  But Katherine refuses to answer.  And yet, something tellls me that the Salvatore Detective Agency are about to find out . . .

Meanwhile, Bonnie finds Lucy, who knows she has the Moonstone, and will only break the spell on Elena, if Bonnie gives it up.  Bonnie moves to fight Lucy, but stops, after hearing her say the words, “You can trust me.”

HUH?

In the following scene, Lucy arrives in the War Room, instantly breaking the binding curse on Katherine, and handing her the Moonstone.  But when Lucy hands Katherine the stone, Katherine falls to the ground seizing. 

“You should have told me the other witch involved was a Bennett,” remarks Lucy, as Katherine goes still.

Lucy informs the brothers that the curse is broken, and Elena will heal.   She then goes outside to Bonnie, and tells her the truth.  Lucy was only working for Katherine, because she had a debt that needed repayment.  Katherine had apparently saved her life once. 

But Bonnie is Lucy’s family, so she comes first.  Because Lucy is a Bennett witch too!

“Seeing you was a wake up call,” explains Lucy.  “I have got to stop letting vampires control my life.”

“I have so many questions,” says Bonnie.  “How do I stay out of all this[vampire sh*t]?”

“You are one of the good ones,” Lucy explains.   “Right in the middle is where you need to be.   It was nice meeting you.  You’ll see me again.”  The witch promises before disappearing into the woods.

Then Mini Gilbert MAGICALLY APPEARS .  . .

He gallantly offers the Little Witch a ride home.  Bonnie didn’t even know he had a drivers’ license!  “I’m not a kid anymore,” remarks Scrappy Doo.

Then, the future couple ride off  into the sunset, in Jeremy’s Super Fly Ride . . .

For reasons I didn’t quite understand (not that I’m complaining – Damon and Elena FOR THE WIN!) Elena stays broken up with Stefan, even though the purported reason for their breakup is now out of the picture.  When Stefan confronts her about her decision, Elena rattles off some nonsense about needing to “feel safe.” 

(Riiiight, because being single and alone, when you are a Magnet of Trouble, is WAY safer than having a kickass Body Guard Boyfriend who can snap your attackers’ necks, as easily as he can tie his shoes . . .) 

Umm Stefan?  I hate to be the one to break this to you, but . . .

 . . . quite possibly because she’s into him . . .

“MY TURN!  Cheers!”

(My sincere apologies to Stelena fans, who are undoubtedly cursing me underneath their breaths right now.  Really, I mean you no harm!  I like Stefan.  I DO!  I just like Damon MORE  But, even YOU have to admit, that Breakup Excuse was kind of lame . . .)

Speaking of Damon, he made the awesome decision to NOT kill Katherine, and instead, to lock her up the same tomb she SHOULD have been in all those years ago.  “Death would have been too kind,” growls Damon.  “The writers would also really like the opportunity to bring you back next year around Sweeps Week, and if you were Dead Dead, they couldn’t do that.”

“Elena’s in danger,” Katherine warns from inside the tomb.

“You lie.  You will always lie,” Damon seethes.

“Why do you think I never killed her, when I had the chance?  She’s my doppelganger.  She needs to be protected.”  Katherine adds convincingly.

“Then I’ll protect her,” Damon replies without a second thought, a few choice images, undoubtedly running through his head, and ours as he utters those powerful words  . . .

“And YOU will ROT IN HELL!”  Damon explains decisively, as he locks the tomb.

Damon pointedly ignores Katherine’s screams of “You need me,” as he walks off into the darkness . . .

As it turns out, Damon may have done well to listen a bit better to Kat, for once.  Because, in the final scene of the episode, as Elena walks alone to her car, she is kidnapped by THIS WEIRDO . . .

There you go, Elena.  Yet another Damsel in Distress moment for YOU!  So much for “BEING SAFE!”

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries’ Love Bites: Who’s YOUR favorite “ship”?

My blogger pal, Cherie, who gave me the fabulous idea for this post, once said, that TV Couple Fangirling for women, is like Sports Team Fandom for men . . . and other women . . .  I guess.

  After all, both pasttimes involve obsessive television watching, and vicarious living through people we admire.  So what if Sports Team Fans analyze plays and stats, while we analyze longing looks and kisses?  It all comes from the heart!

Therefore, in the spirit of Team Fandom, I would like to take this time out to pay homage to the various couples, and prospective couples, that populate what has quickly become my favorite television show, The Vampire Diaries.  After all, vampires, werewolves, ugly rings, and random parties aside, at its core, TVD is a show about interpersonal relationships.  And while EVERY relationship in this show is unique and special, I’d like to focus on a choice few that really spark my interest.  They are: (1) Damon and Elena; (2) Stefan and Elena; (3) Stefan and Katherine; (4) Damon and Katherine; (5) Damon and Bonnie; (6) Stefan and Caroline; and (8) Jeremy and Tyler.

So, without further adieu, LET THE SHIPPER GAMES BEGIN!

Damon and Elena – Team Delena

The players: 

DAMON

He is a 160 some odd-year old vampire, who just had his heart broken, by the woman he has loved and pined over for about 150-years!  He tends to mask his feelings of heartbreak and loneliness with humor, sarcasm, an “I don’t care” attitude, and the excessive consumption of liquids, both alcohol and otherwise.  Lest that lead you to believe that Damon is a one-note character — trust me, he is NOT!

Damon is a guy who loved life, and loves undeath even more.  He believes in living both to the fullest.  And he is not afraid of breaking the rules . . . or bashing them in with a sledge hammer . . .  to do it. 

Damon is also a good friend, who is unfailingly loyal, and more than willing to do whatever it takes to help you out of a bad situation.  Many struggle with the dark sides of their humanity.  Damon is fine with his!  It’s the “light side” that’s taken him some getting used to . . .

ELENA

She was a cheerleader and popular party gal, who began to question her fun- loving ways, when both of her parents were killed in a tragic accident.  She is maternal, almost to a fault, and fiercely protective of the people she loves.  Elena is a strong and intelligent woman, unfailingly honest, and more than a bit spunky.  If you get out of line, she’s not at all afraid to put you in your place.  And yet, she is also a hopeless romantic — one of the few people left in this world who still believes in True Love.

Their story:

Those of you who have read this blog before, know that I have a soft spot in my heart for Damon and Elena, or, as I like to call them Delena.  In fact, I have written an ENTIRE blog post dedicated to solely to the evolution of their relationship.  Because I have limited space, I’d rather not repeat myself too much here.  Please go read my other post! 🙂

Suffice it to say that, throughout Season 1, we watched this pair evolve from wary strangers . . . to friends . . .to people who kept calling themselves “friends,” but were so OBVIOUSLY in love with one another, it’s not even funny . . . to enemies (who are still pretty much in love with eachother).  And, just recently, they have begun their journey back to friendship again. 

Trust is the foundation of Damon’s and Elena’s relationship. When trust is high, like when Damon saved Elena from a car accident with a vampire, or when he, on two occasions, refused to compel her, even though he had the opportunity, Damon and Elena are on fire.  But when it is low, like when Damon tried to kill Elena’s brother Jeremy (OOPS!) . . .

 . . . well, let’s just say, things can get a bit dicey between these two.

Why you should ship them?

Read my other post!  Read my other post!   Damon and Elena are two sides of the same coin.  Both are good souls, who are hiding a portion of themselves to protect their hearts.  He hides his light.  She hides her darkness. 

Because of this, the pair have an innate understanding of one another — one that doesn’t require words.  A smouldering sexy look can say volumes!  It is this special connection they have to one another, that allowed Elena to see Damon’s humanity, even when Damon’s own brother could not. 

As if that wasn’t enough, being with Damon allows Elena to let her guard down.  With him, she can be silly and fun-loving.  She can be herself.  Did I mention these two are INSANELY HOT together?  Or that the electricity between them can power an ENTIRE CITY?  

Don’t believe me?  Check out this fan video, and see for yourself.

Stefan and Elena – Team Stelena

The players:

(Note: For a description of Elena, see above)

STEFAN

As far as vampires go, he’s about as “gentlemanly” as they come.  Up until recently, he has prided himself on sticking an exclusively “No Human” diet.  That means, all woodland creatures, ALL THE TIME!

For many years, Stefan hated the part of himself that thrived on blood.  His penchant toward self-hatred and self-sacrifice some caused problems for him toward the middle of season 1, when he developed a very nasty addiction to to human blood, after years of abstaining. 

Lately, however, Stefan has begun to come to terms with who and what he is.   He’s even started to have a bit of fun with it.

Just like that OTHER vampire, from those OTHER books, who shall remain nameless, Stefan is quite the sensitive bloodsucker.  He cares about the people around him, and will sacrifice anything to protect them from harm.  Stefan is a bit more serious-minded than his brother Damon.  As such, he tends to be more rule-abiding, and more inclined to avoid violence whenever possible.  And yet, Stefan has a definite darkside.  Mess with his brother, or with his girl, and Dark Stefan will DEFINITELY come out to play.

“Heeeeeeeeeeere’s Steffy!”

Their story:

From the moment they met, Stefan and Elena had an instant connection and attraction.  They practically couldn’t resist being together.   Considering Stefan is undead, he and Elena actually had quite the traditional initial courtship.  However, the pair started to run into problems, when Elena learned that Stefan was keeping secrets from her, about his true identity, his origins, and his VERY old flame.

But the pair ultimately survived these obstacles.  And it was a good thing, too!  Elena needed Stefan to save her life, on many occasions.  And Stefan needed Elena to help him battle his human blood addiction.  Now, with Vampire Katherine back, they need eachother more than ever .  . .

Why ship them?

Stefan and Elena are SO MUCH ALIKE!  They are both sensitive, and fiercely protective of the ones they love.  They are both good souls, who despise violence, and avoid evil at all costs.  They even both keep diaries, for heaven sakes!  Not to mention, everytime these two make love, it is the sexiest, sweetest, softcore porn you have EVER SEEN.!

Check them out!

Stefan and Katherine – Team Kefan

The players:

(Note: For a description of Stefan, see above.)

KATHERINE

Katherine’s been a vampire for a LOOOONG time.  And no one does it better than she does.  Katherine loves every part of being undead, the blood-drinking, the immortality, the super-human strength, the ability to control minds . . .  all of it. 

 She’s a girl who’s not afraid to use her assets to get what she wants, and is more than willing to cheat, manipulate, steal, kill, or screw to do it.  As Damon once said of Katherine, she LOVES to play games.  And she is quite the player . . .

Their story:

Katherine first met Stefan back in 1864, when she began residing in his parents’ house, after the supposed “death” of her parents (which probably happened about 100 years prior).  Almost immediately, the two became engaged in a whirlwind courtship.  Despite the fact that Katherine was carrying on a relationship with Damon at the same the time, she swears to, this day, that her love for Stefan was real. 

When Stefan first found out that Katherine was a vampire, he was disgusted.  And so, to keep their relationship going, Katherine began to compel Stefan, even going as far as to feed her his blood, during their hot sex sessions.  When Katherine is found out by the town as a vampire, she is hunted by Stefan’s own father, a “pillar of the community.”  Stefan is shot, while trying to saving Katherine’s life.   However, because he unwittingly fed on her blood during his lifetime, he ultimately transitions into a vampire.  The change happens shortly after Katherine’s disappearance.

Now, Katherine is back.  She claims that she has returned, solely to rekindle her relationship with Stefan, who she “always loved.”  But is she telling the truth?

Why ship them?

“You hate me, Stefan?  That sounds like the beginning of a love story, not the end of one.”

Nothing says loving like Hot Hate Sex, and these two are destined to have it at some point during the series (preferably sooner, than later).  Pardon me for saying, but am I the only one that thinks Stefan “doth protest too much” when he says he never truly loved Katherine?  She was his first love.  And your first love is something you never really get over . . .

Sure, she’s more than a little evil.  But, if you know this show, you know that no character is ALL good, or ALL bad.  I suspect there is more to Katherine than meets the eye . . .

Aside from that, have you SEEN these two together lately?  They are hardcore HOT!   As you know, Stefan and Katherine are both vampires.  In fact, she’s older and stronger than he is.  This allows Stefan to be “harder and tougher” (wink, wink) when handling Katherine, than he is with Elena.  He can let his guard down with Katherine, because he never has to worry about “hurting or breaking” her.

This carefree quality extends to every interaction the pair have with one another.  When Stefan is with Katherine, he is tough, sarcastic, and, sometimes downright mean.  But, BOY is he FUN!

Damon and Katherine – Team Kamon

The players:

(Note: Descriptions of BOTH Katherine and Damon can be found above)

Their story:

Like Stefan, Damon met, and began dating, Katherine back in 1864.  But, unlike Stefan, Damon had a bit less trouble coping with the news that Katherine was a vampire.  Although he swears that she never compelled him, we learned, in a recent flashback, that this was not, in fact the case.  Nevertheless, we can assume that Damon was more open to the dark side of Katherine’s nature than Stefan was, during that time.

Damon was so crushed when he thought that Katherine had burned to death, that he wanted to die himself, rather than make the final transition to vampire. 

Though he slept with many women throughout the years, Katherine was Damon’s only true love until he met Elena.  He pined for her endlessly, and risked everything to break into that underground tomb and rescue her, even if it meant unleashing 30-some odd hungry vampires onto Mystic Falls.

When Damon found out Katherine wasn’t in that tomb, he launched himself, headfirst, into a downward spiral of drunkeness and despair.  And when Katherine returned, and rejected his love, he did something far worse . . .

Why ship them?

If Elena is the female Stefan.  Than Damon is the male Katherine.  These two are exactly alike.  They LOVE being vampires.  They love “living,” and they are not afraid to get a little messy to get what they want. 

Oh, and they LOVE, LOVE, LOVE long, hot, clothes-ripping, earth-shattering, forget-your-name afterwards SEX!

Damon and Bonnie – Team Bamon

The players:

(Note: For a description of Damon, see above.)

BONNIE

Bonnie led a pretty normal life.  That is, until recently, when she found out her best friend was dating a vampire, and that she was a witch.  Throughout Season 1, we’ve watched her learn to use her powers to help her friends.  She opened the tomb thought to contain Katherine, upon Damon’s request.  And, recently, she charmed a ring that would allow new vampire Caroline to be able to walk in the sun.

But Bonnie took the death of her grandmother, caused indirectly by the tomb opening spell, which the pair performed together, very badly.  She took her anger out on Elena, and began to REALLY despise vampires.  With her new found powers, she is now quite the headache for Damon and Stefan, both literally, and figuratively.

Their story:

To say that Bonnie’s and Damon’s relationship is an antagonistic one is a total understatement.  Ever since Bonnie’s grandmother died from over-exertion, opening that tomb for Damon, she has thwarted him at every turn.  She’s tricked him into believing a magical weapon against him was harmless, before giving it to his enemies.  She gives him massive headaches with her magical mind meld.

She even tried to SET HIM ON FIRE!

And yet, when it comes to helping their mutual friends, Elena and Caroline, Bonnie is big enough to put aside her personal feelings, even if that means making some very dangerous deals with the devil . . .

Why ship them?

Remember what Katherine said about “Hate being the beginning of a love story?”  I think that might very well apply here.  Damon and Bonnie are both very PASSIONATE people.  That passion comes out when they fight with eachother.  Bonnie is a worthy adversary of Damon’s.  And she will definitely keep him from getting out of line, even if she has to kill him to do it.

Stefan and Caroline – Team Staroline

The players:

(Note: For a description of Stefan, see above.)

CAROLINE

Like Bonnie, when we first meet Caroline, she seems pretty normal, all things considered.  She’s blonde, pretty, popular, and a cheerleader.  She’s also a bit of a Mean Girl, a tad neurotic, and has major issues with jealousy.  Of all the characters on the show, Caroline has probably undergone the biggest transformation, since her first appearance in the pilot episode.

Throughout the show’s brief run so far, we have watched a seemingly vapid, and often whiny, Caroline transition from a b*tchy alpha teen, to a mind-altered victim of Damon’s whims . . .

  . . . to a loving girlfriend . . .

 . . . to a kickass vampire, willing to sacrifice real love, and her relationship with her mother, to protect the lives of the people she cares about.

Their story:

Believe it or not, it was Caroline, not Elena, who first noticed Stefan, when he arrived as a “new student” at Mystic Falls high.   It was she who did the initial research about him, which she shared with Elena, during the pilot episode.  After that, the pair developed a sweet, if tentative, friendship.  But lately, that friendship has blossomed into something more special.

When Caroline woke up alone in a hospital, a new vampire, confused and frightened by her new abilities, she needed guidance.  And Stefan was there to give it to her.  He saved Caroline from death by staking.  He then, gradually, taught her how to live among humans. 

Stefan taught Caroline to hunt.  He protected her from a werewolf attack.  And, of course, he gave her advice on life and love.  “I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” Stefan whispered to Caroline, on her first fateful night as a vampire.

And, so far, he hasn’t . . .

Why ship them?

Like Katherine, Caroline brings out something in Stefan, that Elena can’t.  And that something is good old-fashioned goofiness.  Ever since he’s started paling around with Caroline, Stefan smiles and jokes more.  These two are comfortable around one another.  They have an easygoing relationship, and often exchange light- hearted and witty banter.  Caroline and Stefan find eachother’s flaws endearing — a trait that is VERY important, when embarking on a long-term relationship.

And besides, we all know that some of the BEST loves spring from friendship . . .

Jeremy and Tyler – Team Jyler

The players:

JEREMY

Can we really blame Jeremy for “switching teams,” after he’s had such TREMENDOUSLY bad luck with women?  First his mom dies.  Then his girlfriend, Vicki, gets turned to a vampire.  Then she dies.  Then he meets another vampire, Anna.

He quickly falls in love with her.  And the two begin a romantic, and, eventually, sexual relationship.  Then, you guessed it, SHE DIES!

Initially, Jeremy’s Big Sis Elena kept him mainly in the dark about all things supernatural.  But lately, she’s been letting Jeremy in on a few secrets.  And she BETTER!  Because supernatural creatures seem to keep TRYING TO KILL HIM!

In terms of personality, I guess you can describe Jeremy as being a bit Emo, but in a good way.  He’s still a hopeless romantic, despite all the obstacles that have been thrown his way.  Jeremy is also an artist, with a penchant for drawing vampires and werewolves.  (Gee, I wonder why?)  He used to be into drugs a bit, but we think that’s over and done with now. 

In short, Jeremy is basically a good kid, who’s gotten a REALLY raw deal, lately.  If anyone deserves some happiness on this show, it’s him.

TYLER

When we first met Tyler, he seemed like kind of a dick.  He was a druggie, and a bully.  He had rage issues, and like to beat the crap out of people, especially Jeremy. 

But lately, the writers have engendered in us fans some sympathy for the character.  Tyler had an abusive dad, who recently died.  He also has this Werewolf Curse hanging over his head. 

Lately, Tyler has shown an ability to care for people.  He saved Stefan and Caroline from a werewolf attack.  And he has bonded with Uncle Mason, and with Jeremy.  In short, Tyler got a long way to go, but the dude’s got potential.

Their story:

Jeremy and Tyler got off to kind of a rough start.  They hung out in the same social circle, but weren’t friends, by any means.  The fact that they both were in love with the same girl, certainly didn’t help matters.

Tyler and Jeremy have come to physical blows with one another on more one occasion, with the stronger Tyler usually having the upper hand.  And yet, in the way that “manly men” do, the pair always seem to come to an understanding with one another, when all is said and done. 

Jeremy sees a bit of himself in Tyler, as both men are no strangers to pain and alienation.  “You don’t have to be like this,” Jeremy said to Tyler once, after an argument.  (We’d like to think that’s true.)

Just recently, Jeremy comforted Tyler, regarding the loss of his father.  In return, Tyler invited Jeremy to his home, and confided in him about his family’s Werewolf Curse.  One might even consider these two friends.  Or, perhaps, something more . . .

Why ship them?

In the words of Jerry MacGuire, I think these two “complete” one another.  Tyler is strong, where Jeremy is vulnerable.  Jeremy is sensitive, while Tyler is crass, and tends to hide his true feelings. 

These two men share similar experiences, when it comes to loss and rejection.  Like Damon and Elena, they have this unique unspoken connection with one another.  Jeremy and Tyler are two VERY intense individuals.  And when they fight . . . well . . . it’s kinda hot.

So, there you have it, the EIGHT main “ships” from The Vampire Diaries.  Which one are YOU on?  And what do you think are that ship’s chances are of “staying afloat” this season?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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