Tag Archives: Stefan and Rebekah

A Ticking Timebomb – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Reckoning”

OK, everybody.  Raise your hands if you will NOT be beaten up, abused, or tortured during this episode . . . Yeah . . . that’s what I thought. 

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  Things have changed quite a bit since we spoke last.  You know, Matt got a haircut, Rebekah learned how to use an iPhone, and ALMOST EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW IS NOW A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON!

*takes breath*

OK . . . so, now that we’ve had a little time to decompress, what do you say, we settle in for a little Prank Night?

(As always, a big round of applause for my Super Screencapper Extraordinaire Andre, who ROCKS, RULES, and KICKS ASS, all at the same time . . . very impressive.)

Pump Some Iron (Snap Some Traps)

“Have you seen the pects on the guys in Mystic Falls?  I really need to start working out, if I ever want to get another sex scene on this show.” 

Tell me something, TVD producers?  What’s the point of having an Obligatory Workout Scene, when the guy who’s working out KEEPS HIS SHIRT ON?  I mean, we started the episode with a random close-up shot of sweaty Matt working out, and not only was he NOT shirtless, he was wearing a friggin HOODIE over his t-shirt.  REALLY?  This is a travesty of fangirl justice, seriously . . .  He was also wearing some very dorky shorts . . .

Hmm . . . I wonder if he’s going commando? 

But I digress . . .

Matt’s working out after hours at the Mystic Falls High weight room (Wait . . . these kids still go to school?) when he HEARS A NOISE.  Then, he sees a BLACK SHADOWY FIGURE run across him.  Throw in a night vision camera, and we can do our own little version of Paranormal Activity 4 – Vicki’s REVENGE.  Matt walks out alone in the dark hallway.  And if he wasn’t a series regular, I would think this was a pretty AWESOME set-up for an Opening Kill Scene . . .

“Please don’t let this ridiculous outfit be the one I end up being buried in.”

Instead, Matt opens the door to what he thinks is a deserted classroom, and . . .

“Dammit, Matt!  You set off all the mouse traps!  Now we’ll never be able to solve Mystic Falls High’s rampant rodent problem!  (Where’s bunny eater Stefan when you need him?)”

 . . . snaps a bunch of lame mousetraps on the floor.  How lamedisappointing boring HILARIOUS!

“I didn’t just walk in on some weird supernatural creature orgy, or something, did I?”

Lo and behold, our whole Scooby Gang (at least the one’s who are actually students at this school, and NOT Jeremy) is hanging out in the classroom, looking rather smug.  Caroline is PISSED though.  Matt ruined her Adorable Rat Trap Trick!  Senior Prank Night is RUINED. .  .

No, it’s really not.  But Caroline is still SHOCKED that Matt could possibly forget something SUPER important, like Senior Prank Night.

“I am so mad at you.  We are so not having sex tonight.  Oh wait . . . I forgot, I’m never having sex with you again, because I get to have mindblowing sex with Tyler every single night, for all eternity.  Oops, did I say that out loud?” 

I mean, it’s not like Matt has anything ELSE to worry about . . . like, you know, his vampire ex-girlfriend hooking up with his werewolf sort-of best friend, his Ghost Sister stalking his OTHER ex girlfriend’s little brother, whether the economic recession will impact his tips at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, thereby preventing him from being able to afford less dorky shorts . . .

“Could you please lay off the shorts.  I didn’t have time to do laundry this week.” 

Everybody begins to split up then.  You know, because, despite having been on this show for over two seasons, these folks still haven’t learned that they Star in the TV Version of a Horror Movie, and splitting up equals death . . . or, if you happen to be a series regular, certain torture by the Big Bad Villain of the Season.  Elena heads off ALONE to go glue Professor Alaric’s desk shut, which probably isn’t nearly as annoying to someone who’s DIED FIVE TIMES.

 A little glue never hurt a Chunky Monkey. 

We’re back in that long empty hallway again!  Fortunately, Elena doesn’t have to be alone for long, because Klaus is there.  Did I say “fortunately?”  I meant “OH SH*T!”

“You’ll pay for this Klaus!  If Alaric comes into school Monday morning, and his desk ISN’T glued shut, I am telling all the kids at school to put flaming dog poo in your locker.” 

“You are supposed to be dead,” says the guy who was born 1,000 years ago to the girl who recently turned 18.

(“Hello Pot . . . This is Kettle, calling.  Guess what?  YOU’RE BLACK!”)

“You just don’t DO IT for me, anymore.”

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Elsewhere, on the Shortest and Most Pointless Road Trip in TVD History, Damon is driving to Some Random Destination We Never Get to See.  In the passenger seat, Katherine is making jokes about going to truck stops and eating truckers, which would probably be a lot funnier, if this wasn’t a vampire show, where such jokes are made about every ten minutes.

Plus, Katherine doesn’t really strike me as the trucker eating type.  For the record, I envision truckers tasting like gasoline, bad diner food, and public restrooms.  No offense to all those truckers out there.  But, hey, if you happen to be a trucker, who watches The Vampire Diaries, I REALLY want to meet you so that I can eat you, and see if my hypothesis is correct.

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As it turns out, Katherine DOESN’T seem to really have a set destination in mind.  She simply wants to get Damon far enough from Mystic Falls that there is no chance of turning back.  Damon claims not to mind, saying that he needs a break from Mystic Falls.  “A break from Mystic Falls, or a break from Elena?”  Katherine coos seductively.

You see, I have this theory that Katherine is secretly on Team Delena, despite evidence to the contrary.  She always seems to be helping out my ship in subtle ways.  And I love her for that.  Like for example, this moment, in which Damon starts TOTALLY MAKING OUT WITH KATHERINE WHILE HE’S DRIVING, WITH NO REGARD FOR THE ROAD WHATSOEVER.  (Well, I guess, even if they get into a car accident, they won’t REALY die.  So, it kind of makes sense.)

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Then Damon roughly throws a shocked Katherine back into the passenger seat, which, actually reminded me a little of THIS . . .

(I clapped then too!) 

“What did you do that for?”  She inquires, pouting.

“You just don’t do it for me, anymore,” replies Damon.

(See what I mean?  THANK YOU KATHERINE!)  Oh, and Damon, don’t worry, we ALL know who DOES IT FOR YOU, NOW!

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Adventures in Sadomasochism (Starring Rebekah and Stefan)

Stefan awakens outside the school to find his boyfriend Klaus, has stormed off, after their little lover’s quarrel.  But Rebekah is there, watching him sleep, or rather, watching him un-die. 

“You snore, when you’re dead.” 

Apparently, Klaus has been repeatedly breaking his neck for sh*ts and giggles . . . or, as vampires like to call it foreplay.

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“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Since Stefan has been inconveniently dead up through the first commerical break, it’s up to Rebekah to fill him in on what’s happened.  Fortunately, she leaves out all the boring stuff, about Matt wearing too many clothes, and Katherine’s lame trucker jokes, and gets right to the good stuff, i.e. Klaus knows Elena’s alive and .  . .

“Believe it or not, this is actually my O face . . .” 

Stefan responds to this news by tackling Rebekah, and dry humping her on the concrete floor like a dog in heat.  (Unfortunately, there are no walls around, so a Trademark Wall Slam is not possible.)

“WHERE IS SHEEEEEE?”  Stefan yells, which causes me wonder how many times, since Season 1, the men on this show have yelled this very question, about the woman they lovvvvveeeeee, while tackling someone else.  (My guess is about 17 times.  What’s yours?)

Rebekah’s response is pretty funny, I must admit.  I actually think Rebekah might have stolen Katherine’s sense of humor, this week.   It would certainly explain the bad trucker joke.  “You still really love her, don’t you?  Consider me jealous,” remarks Rebekah, before STAKING STEFAN IN THE STOMACH.

“Do you mind if I keep this?  I have a collection of all the stakes that have been in my stomach since 1864.  It fills my entire bathroom.”

(Hmmm . . . I think Stefan has actually been staked on this show more times than he has said, “Where is SHHEEEEEE?”  I’m going to guess about 30 times.  How about you?)

Simon Klaus says hop on one leg . . . (among other things)

It’s fitting that the episode takes place on SENIOR Prank Night, because Klaus, who is by far, the most SENIOR on this show (at least, until the final moments of the episode) ends up being the one with all the best pranks.  Like this one, where he drags Elena into the gym, and tells all the rest of the seniors that they’ve been caught and have to leave.  You know who doesn’t leave, though?  Not Now Dana . . .

You guys remember, Not Now Dana, right?  In one episode she broke up Matt’s and Caroline’s not-so-epic kiss to inform Matt that there were hamburgers outside, or something else equally lame.  (Hence, the nickname.)  Then AlarKlaus compelled her to hit on Elena, on his behalf.

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Klaus ALSO seems to remember Not Now Dana, which is pretty impressive when you think about it.  (I mean, when you’ve been alive for as long as Klaus has, you would think all the Not Now Dana’s of the world would start to look pretty much the same.)

Klaus compels Not Now Dana to lift her leg, and hop.  She then compels Not Now Dana’s boyfriend (who I THINK was one of the guys he compelled to jump Jeremy, back in “The Last Dance” episode.  YAY for continuity!) to beat her to death, if she lets her leg drop.  Now, this may be controversial,  but I’d have to say that this is probably the most sadistic and twisted Klaus compulsion scheme of the entire episode.  It also involves domestic violence . . . which is probably why the writers didn’t end up actually having the characters go through with it.

So, let’s ignore that whole dark aspect of it for a bit, and focus on the hilarity of Not Now Dana compulsively hopping on one foot, like a subject at a Bad Hypnotist Show . . .

Meanwhile, back on the Roadtrip that Wasn’t . . .

Excuse me . . . I think you have a hot boy in your trunk!

“At least I made Katherine pay for the gas.”

Damon randomly stops the car, and gets out on the side of the road, causing an increasingly horny frustrated Katherine to follow him.  At first, he claims he wants Katherine to drive.  But, when she goes to take the keys, he tosses them into the bushes.   Damon’s tired of driving around aimlessly, and since he’s no longer in the mood for car sex, he’s very much like to know about Katherine’s current scheme, thank you very much.

“Dammit Damon!  Now, I’m never going to learn what a trucker actually tastes like.” 

Katherine relents, and shows Damon the Infamous Magical Necklace, a.k.a the subject of about FIVE of the Sexiest Delena Moments of All Time.

(See?  Katherine  = TOTAL Delena fan.  It doesn’t get much clearer than this)

Damon, of course, aside from the fact that it immediately causes him to fantasize about and miss Elena desperately doesn’t quite understand the significance of this piece of jewelry, when it’s not around Elena’s neck.  Truth be told, Katherine doesn’t quite understand it’s significance yet, either, except to say that it’s “leverage” for bargaining with Klaus, since she knows now that he wants it.

But Katherine has an even better ace up her sleeve, and it’s currently taking a snooze in the trunk of her car.

Definitely more fun to play with than a spare tire . . . 

That’s right, boys and girls,  it’s I See Dead People Jeremy.  And like Stefan, he’s also reawakening from the dead in this episode (Hooray for magical rings.)  Admittedly, like many of the concepts in this episode (which I loved, by the way), Katherine’s reasoning for kidnapping Jeremy is a bit convoluted.  Basically, Katherine learned from Bonnie, back when she was pretending to be Elena, that Jeremy talks to his dead girlfriends.  One of those girlfriends, is Anna.  And, apparently, Anna knows, based on her mother’s conversations with the Original Witch, the key to killing Klaus.

Though Anna is initially hesitant to give up the goods, Damon convinces her, with a little Jeremy strong-arming.

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As many of us, have probably already figured out, the key to killing Klaus is a PERSON.  His name is Michael.  And he’s that vampire hunter /  ACTUAL vampire Klaus and Rebekah have been soiling their panties about, for the past few episodes.

Now, under normal circumstances, Damon would be doing the Happy Dance, upon hearing such news.  But he has more important things to worry about.  Like the text from Bonnie he just got, claiming that Elena is in trouble.   It’s SUPERMAN to the rescue! 🙂

“Hold tight, Lover.  Because HERE I COME!” 

My second favorite line of the episode appears here.  It happens when Katherine chastizes Damon for running off to save Elena, again.  “The Damon I know wouldn’t be that stupid.”

“That’s because I wouldn’t have done it for you,” replies Damon before rushing off.

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Wow, the fact that Damon said that is a HUGE DEAL.  Remember, Damon pined over Katherine for 145 YEARS.  And here he is saying that he didn’t love her enough to make the sacrifices he is prepared to make for Elena’s safety.  Please excuse me, while I have a MAJOR Delena fangirl moment . . .

While Damon’s busy flying to his lover’s side (I bet he’s REALLY wishing he had those “turn into a crow” powers from the Pilot now), let’s head back to school, shall we?

For a Good Time, Call . . .

Bonnie and Matt are toilet papering the pool area, and wondering when their Normal Teenage Lives got so screwed up.  (Oh, I’d say about two seasons, and five epsiodes ago.)

“Hey Matt, I can make my nose bleed on cue.  Wanna see?” 

Did I mention that these two are kind of flirty with one another?  I’m ready to go on the record, and say that I hope Bonnie and Matt become a couple.  Now, this is not necessarily because I think they are so hot together.  (Though they DO have more chemistry than Bonnie has with Jeremy, and Matt has with Caroline, for sure.)  It would just be a nice, relatively non-confrontational, way to get Matt away from Caroline, and the Wicked Witch of the Cockblock to stop preventing Jeremy from having Hot Ghost Sex with Anna .  . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie and Matt promise to meet one another and toilet paper the gym.  (DON’T GO TO THE GYM!  STAY AWAY FROM THE GYM!)  But Matt has to jerk off pee / get more toilet paper first.  When he does, he sees, among other things, the message “R.I.P. Vicki Donovan” written on the bathroom stall . . .

. . . a “touching” and appropriate memorial to a girl who undoubtedly had sex with many, many horny high schoolers in that very same stall . . .  (I wonder if the guy who undoubtedly wrote, “For a Good Time Call, Vicki Donovan,” in the adjoining stall, crossed it out, after she died, so as not to confuse other potty patrons.)

“Ummm . . . Matt.  You forgot to wash your hands.  Now, that’s just gross.”

As Matt leaves the stall, Vicki follows him out and calls out after him. (See, I told you she spent a lot of time in there!  Ghosts tend to haunt the places they spent the most time, while they were alive. ;))   But alas, he cannot hear her .  . . yet.

The Obedient and The Damned

I will not think X rated thoughts about this screencap . . . I will not think X rated thoughts about this screencap . . . I will not think . . .

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DOH!

We move from implied future Delena moments, to ACTUAL Forwood ones.  Tyler and Caroline are up against a wall in that increasingly dangerous hallway, having a fabulous makeout session.  But then, Caroline feels the need to MAJORLY harsh on all of our buzzes, by mentioning, Matt, of all people.  She hopes Matt will be OK, now that all his friends are (1) part of a Supernatural Scooby Gang that fights evil every week; and (2) all seem to be dating one another.

Tyler thinks Caroline has a great big undead heart.  And Caroline just wants everyone to be happy.  Tyler reassures her that he is happy . . . IN HIS PANTS!

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Last week, our opportunity for Forwood sex was rudely interrupted by Cockblock Elena, and her annoying insistence that Caroline save her Evil Dad.

“Are you just going to stand there, and watch?  Or would you like to join in?  Because Caroline may look like all prim and proper, but she can be SUPER FREAKY, if you catch my drift . . .” 

 This week, Elena apparently handed the cockblocking torch over to Rebekah, a.k.a “The New Girl,”  she proves just how strong she is, by knocking out Baby Vamp and Teen Wolf, in one swift movement (which happens off camera, unfortunately).

“I’d actually like to join in, if you don’t mind.” 

“REALLY!  That’s awesome . . . wait . . . why are you biting my neck so hard .  . . uh oh.”

 She then drags Tyler into the gym, where the rest of the Scooby Gang, sans Caroline (along with Not Now Dana and her boyfriend), are already conveniently waiting . . .

It’s probably a good thing Caroline isn’t around, right now.  (She’s busy being unconscious in the Dangerous Hallway.)  Because lord knows, she would certainly not enjoy what Klaus does next.   After force feeding the Teen Wolf his blood, Klaus snaps Tyler’s neck, killing him softly . . . and temporarily.

“Sorry Stefan, I have a new lover now.” 

“And he’s VERY cuddly.”

But, unlike a lot of the other death’s on this show, Tyler’s has a purpose.

Klaus explains to Bonnie that Tyler is now in transition to become a hybrid / were-vamp.  And we all know what happened to the OTHER hybrids, back in episode 2, right?

So yeah, pretty much, if Bonnie doesn’t figure how to get Tyler to NOT turn into a were-zombie, and eventually die, Klaus will kill Elena.  Bonnie has twenty minutes to figure this out, and she takes Matt with her.  I smell some nosebleeds in our future . . .

By the way, did anyone notice how quickly Mr. I Can’t Date Vampires, and Just Want to be Normal Matt adjusted to being a cast member on this show, in the past couple of episodes?  I mean, the guy just saw some random dude KILL his friend.  (Because, correct me if I’m wrong, no one actually had the chance to tell Matt about Klaus prior to this, right?) And he barely flinched.

“OK .  . . who’s up for some dodgeball?” 

I guess this makes him an honorary Scooby Gang member?  If they keep this up, it’s going to get to the point soon, where there are so many of them, that they won’t fit in Damon’s living room, for their weekly Kill Klaus meetings . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan has just de-staked himself, so he can join his pals in the gym.

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t.” 

With his tail between his legs, Stefan grovels to his boyfriend Klaus, wondering out loud how he could possibly make this up to him.  (Might I suggest a blow job?) Stefan then continues to prove to everyone what an AWFUL liar he is, by claiming that he doesn’t care about Elena.  So, Klaus tests this theory by WHACKING THE CRAP OUT OF HER.

(Remember what I said before about TVD opting not to go for the “domestic violence” route?  I guess I sort of have to take that back.)

“Ripper Stefan, may I have this dance?” 

When Stefan attacks Klaus, as Klaus (and the rest of us) knew that he would, Klaus takes the opportunity to get up close and personal with him, and compel his ass.  Stefan is instructed by Klaus’ big eyeballs (I love how they always zoom in on the eyes, during compulsion scenes . . . It’s SO HOT) to obey his every command without question.  Clever . . . but a bit late, if I do say so myself.

“I’m doing my best, DAMMIT!” 

Klaus justifies his NOT doing this three months ago, by saying that he simply hoped for Stefan’s loyalty.  My goodness, Klaus is just as naive as ELENA,  sometimes!  I mean, come on, did this  Hybrid Dick REALLY think that Stefan would still want to be his best buddy, on his own free will, after he KILLED HIS GIRLFRIEND, and her AUNT, and FORCED HIM to be his b*tch for ten years?  Klaus has officially become the super villain equivalent of those folks in the early audition rounds of American Idol who STILL believe they are genuinely talented, despite having singing voices that make William Hung sound like Bruno Mars . . .

So, remember Not Now Dana and her boyfriend, who Klaus compelled to play the longest game of Simon Says, ever?  Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief, because Klaus gave them a reprieve that allowed Dana to sit down, without her boyfriend murdering her (not exactly sure how that worked, by the way, since Klaus never got close enough to un-compel them).  Oh, wait, I lied, Obedient Stefan is going to kill BOTH OF THEM, because Klaus has just made him the best Simon Says player on the planet.

Farewell, Not Now Dana, may you find many unworthy couples to cockblock in Heaven . . .

iFind the Necklace

Over in the Dangerous Hallway, Caroline awakens to find Rebekah playing with her iPhone, which she has figured out how to use, surprisingly quickly, considering that, back in the 1920’s telephones were roughly the equivalent, of aluminum cans connected by copper wires.  “Where’s Tyler?” Caroline wonders groggily.

“This Angry Birds game is really addictive.” 

“He’s dead . . . ish,” replies Rebekah.  (See, VERY funny!)

While Rebekah is searching through Caroline’s pictures, she comes across one of Stefan and Elena, and pouts like a rejected candidate on The Bachelor.  She tries to delete the picture, but actually ends up zooming in on . . . you guessed it, the Magical Phantom Necklace.

Little Tattletale Rebekah, rushes in and attacks Elena.  “She has my necklace . . . make her tell me where it is,” she whines to Klaus.

Elena explains that Katherine has stolen it.  But, of course, all Klaus here’s is that Boyfriend Stefan lied to him AGAIN about not knowing where the necklace was.  And now for Klaus’ BIGGEST PRANK OF ALL . . . which, most of us, already knew would happen, based on viewing the promo Klaus sets the basketball time clock to 20 minutes.  He then compels Stefan to feed on Elena, when the clock runs down to zero, knowing full well that once he starts, he won’t be able to stop.

RUH ROH!

Let’s check in on Team Useless, shall we?

Anyone up for a swim?

Despite knowing how INCREDIBLY limited her time is, Bonnie decides to LEAVE THE SCHOOL and drive to I See Dead People Jeremy’s house, since she needs him to contact the Original Witch.  Bad Boyfriend Jeremy is apparently too busy hanging out in the trunks of cars to answer his girlfriend’s text messages!  (How dare he?)

NAUGHTY BOY!  You will be punished! 

Matt heads back to the weight room . . . because this whole Everyone is Being Held Hostage by Klaus thing, has TOTALLY interfered with his workout.  There, he finds a Hansel and Gretel type trail of his clothing (Seriously, this guy must wear like 80 layers of clothes!), which leads him all  the way back to the pool area.

“Hey, who’s bra is this?” 

Matt’s car keys are at the bottom of the pool.   So, he starts to strip down to go get them.  (NOW, we’re talking!)

But then Vicki starts text messaging him, about being able to “help.”

“I’ve always wondered what type of text messaging plans they get in Purgatory. ” 

Now, I don’t know if Matt’s “Big Idea on How to Talk to his Dead Sister / Save the World” came from HIM, or from Vicki.  But, wherever it came from, it was INCREDIBLY STUPID.   Matt reasons that if Jeremy can talk to dead people, because he died and came back to life, if MATT dies, he can talk to dead people too.  So, Matt calls Bonnie who’s lord knows where, and tells him to come save her life with her not-so-magical CPR lessons.

“Can you hear me now?  Well, you won’t hear me when I’m dead.  Then again . . . maybe you will.” 

Then he ties a weight to his stomach, and jumps into the pool (fully clothed, unfortunately) to drown himself . . .

“The kid’s got spunk.” 

Wait . . . HOLD UP.  Isn’t the reason Jeremy sees dead people the fact that he ACTUALLY died, and was brought back by magic?  Are we supposed to believe that Matt will be able to talk to dead people, simply because he passed out underwater?  Wouldn’t that mean that EVERYONE who almost drowns, and is revived by CPR should be talking to the dead?  Just sayin . . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie DOES conveniently make it to the pool in time to drag Matt out, and start tongue kissing administering CPR on him.

“Damn you, for making me mess up my hair, like this, Matt.” 

While she sucks his face, Matt DOES have a quick “In the Afterlife” chat with Vicki, during which she passes IMPORTANT INFORMATION on to Bonnie about the Hybrid Spell Thingy.   And don’t ask me how she knows this information .  . . since I thought only Anna knew.  But . . . whatever . . .

” .  . . so that’s what happens at the end of Sixth Sense.  Would you like me to spoil any other movies for you?”

Back in the gym, the Bite THAT Doppelganger gameshow is still going on, and our contestant Stefan is getting a bit restless . . .

Time’s UP!

We are now down to six minutes on the time clock.  So, of course, it is time for Elena to monologue annoyingly to Stefan about how he can BEAT this.  Elena remembers how Caroline’s dad somehow resisted compulsion.  She thinks that Stefan can do this too, if he just FOCUSES ON HIS GREAT LOVE FOR HER.  (And if the audience just believes in fairies and claps their hands really har, Tinkerbell will come back to life!)

“You mess with my fairytale, I’ll kick your butt!” 

Then, Elena tells him that he OWES it to her, just to snack on her blood, and not be such a PIG about it, which I guess is true . . . Though, given the fact that Stefan has saved Elena’s life about 25 times by now, one could just as easily argue that they are about even.  And he owes her nothing.

Whether or not his moral debts to Elena are actually paid, Stefan thinks Elena’s Speech is a Big Ole Crock of Sh*t, and tells her as much.  “I can’t help what I am,” he says, echoing Damon’s words to her from last week.  “The more blood I get the more I want.  And if I get so much as near yours, you are dead.”

How’s that for a Hallmark Card statement?  Romantic, right?

“If you don’t stop with these inspirational speeches, I’ll eat you, just to shut you up!”

Meanwhile, Tyler awakens next to Caroline, and learns that he is a hybrid in transition, who may or may not turn into a were zombie and die soon.  I notice that he isn’t acting nearly as weird or sick, as the were zombies from The Hybrid.  But that’s OK, I guess.

“Why do I feel like death?” 

Now, here’s the bugs me a little bit.  When Bonnie rushes in to tell Klaus that the Original Witch confirmed, through Vicki that the Doppelganger needs to be dead for Klaus to be able to make hybrids.   Though, I suspect this is what Klaus thought ALL ALONG.  Now, suddenly he has another idea on how to save his hybrid army . . .

During this time, the time clock runs down to zero, and Stefan rushes toward Elena to eat her.  To his credit, he DOES seem capable of fighting the compulsion a little bit, by grabbing on to walls and stuff, to slow himself down, and give Elena a chance to get away.  But he soon finds that Elena runs much too slow, even for this.

“Come on, Elena.  My Grandma runs faster than you.” 

So, Stefan decides to stake himself . . . again . . .

Klaus intervenes, and him and Stefan fight again, which, of course, gives Klaus the opportunity to correct his compulsion.  This time, he compels Stefan to TURN OFF HIS HUMANITY.

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“Hey Stefan, have you ever had sex with an Original Werevamp?  Would you like to?  I’ll take that as a yes.”

Even as a staunch Delena fan, I must admit, I found this quite tragic, as Stefan pleaded with Klaus not to do this to him, knowing precisely what it would entail.  And then, after it happened seeing Stefan staring vacantly into space, against the wall, was pretty darn creepy.

“I fixed him,” Klaus tells a heartbroken Elena, gleefully.

“You must be a Delena fan too.” 

Klaus then, once again, compels Stefan to eat Elena.  This time, Stefan rushes toward his victim, without staking himself, or bumping into walls.  So, in that sense, Klaus is correct about fixing him . . .

Someone needs a little Visine . . . 

In the following scene, we see Klaus offering a supposedly dying Tyler a vial of an apparently, still alive, Elena’s blood.

“Mmm . . . Elena tastes a bit like tequila.” 

Apparently, Klaus has magically figured out that the Original Witch has been pulling his leg all along.  Contrary to what he originally thought, he NEVER needed to KILL the Petrova Doppelganger to become a hybrid.   On the contrary, it is the Doppelganger’s blood that completes the transition from werewolf to were-zombie to were-vamp.

Werevamp Tyler looks a little like the boy from The Grudge .  . . 

Apparently, the Original Witch lied to Klaus, figuring that even if he succeeded in turning hybrid, which he did, if he KILLED the Doppelganger, he would never be able to build his Hybrid Dick Harem.  Tyler hesistates for all of about two seconds, before downing his friends blood.  The blood then starts leaking out of his mouth, and doing gross things.  But that’s OK, because then Tyler sort-of/ kind of shifts into his FIRST were vamp minion.  And Klaus is VERY, VERY pleased . . .

The Aftermath

Caroline and Tyler leave the school, seeming oddly happy, considering all that just went down right in front of their noses.  Tyler claims he feels better and stronger than ever.  And to prove it, he lifts Caroline up in the air, like she weighs nothing at all, which, always makes a girl feel awesome.  “This is going to be a GREAT YEAR,” Tyler whispers lovingly to Caroline.  Famous last words, Tyler.  Considering your officially Klaus’ bitch now, something tells me your year is going to SUCK, literally . . .

But hey, at least now, you and Caroline can be eternal life partners now!  And if you thought werewolf/vampire sex was good, you can imagine just how AMAZING vampire / hybrid sex will be!  (See, it always pays to look on the bright side of things!)

Elsewhere, Bonnie chastizes Matt for killing himself on the rare chance that he might be able to commune with the dead.  She reminds her buddy that he had the perfect opportunity to lead a normal life, and he pretty much just flushed it down the toilet.  Matt agrees, but, honestly, doesn’t seem all that torn up about the death of his so-called innocence.  He requests some time alone, to say goodbye to Vicki.  And this time, when she appears, he actually sees her.

“Now that you see me, would you mind calling Damon, and telling him I’d very much like to dance with him again?” 

(I’d say, YAY, to this, if I didn’t remember Anna saying that Vicki is evil now . . .  Sorry Matt, maybe next time you’ll think twice about stapping weights to your body, when you want to go for a swim . . .)

I’m sure you all are wondering how Elena’s doing, right?  Now that Ripper Stefan 3.0 (Now EMOTION FREE!) has dined on her neck . . .

We find Elena in a hospital bed.  (Phew!)  Unfortunately, the nurse caring for her has been compelled to take MORE blood from Elena, not put blood back, so that Klaus can use it for his were-vamp army!

Cue Damon’s arrival . . . FINALLY!  Our hero (who admittedly didn’t get to do much heroing this week), meets up with Klaus, and the two rape eachother, for a few seconds, which I have come to believe is their equivalent of a Secret Handshake.  Damon gets Klaus to stop raping him, by telling him that Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael is back, so you better run.

And run, is exactly what Klaus and Rebekah plan to do.  After all, now that they have enough Doppelganger blood to convert a few werewolves into playmates for Klaus.  There’s plenty of fun to be had, outside Mystic Falls.  Rebekah inquires whether Klaus is really just doing all this hybrid-making stuff, so that he doesn’t have to be alone.  And Klaus actually gets a little weepy.

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*sniffle sniffle*

Really?  I’ll give you a hint, Klaus, if you want to make more friends, you might start by not TRYING TO KILL THREE-QUARTERS OF THE PEOPLE YOU MEET.   Most people don’t really like that . . .

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Sorry, Buddy.  It had to be said . . .

Damon then finds Elena at the hospital, and looks at her with a mixture of adoration, guilt and concern.

Then, in a perfect parallel to Damon’s rescue of Elena following The Sacrifice . . .

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 .  . . the Elder Salvatore Brother lifts her up and carries her out of the hospital back to his bedroom La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where she can remain safe in his warm muscular arms.  *sigh*

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“I promise you, I will never leave you again.”

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In his living room, Damon offers Elena some bourbon, and a part of me is secretly hoping that he’s doing it to get her wasted, so that he can have his way with her.

But no, this is GOOD Damon, we are talking about here.  Want an example of just how GOOD Damon is to Elena?  He offers to take her memories away, so she doesn’t have to be traumatized by the memories of her boyfriend going all Hannibal Lecter on her neck.

Some thoughts on this . . .  On one hand, this is a HUGELY unselfish, self-sacrificing gesture on Damon’s part.  After all, if he did it, Elena would undoubtedly, still remember Stefan as the boyfriend he once was, and pine after him, annoyingly, for the rest of the season.  This would obviously SERIOUSLY hinder Damon’s efforts at getting laid, among other things.

It also shows a shift in Damon’s ideas about what responsibility he has toward Elena.  Remember, back after “The Last Dance,” when Damon and Stefan argued over Damon’s decision not to tell Elena that Bonnie wasn’t really dead.  Then, Damon reasoned that breaking Elena’s heart, and potentially traumatizing her, was OK, as long as it ultimately kept her alive.

Damon’s removal of Elena’s memory would NOT be necessary to keep her alive.  (More on this, in a bit)  But it would be necessary to keep her happy.  Thus, showing that Damon’s love for Elena has grown to such an extent that he now, not only wants to keep her safe, but to keep her happy as well.

While completely romantic, this is troubling in its own way.  After all, if Elena’s memory of this episode was erased, she would undoubtedly head off on some crazy suicide mission to find Stefan again, which, would send her right into Klaus’ clutches, which, now we know, WOULDN’T immediately kill her, but it would pretty much assure her a life of slavery, and an eventual death by blood draining.

Fortunately, we don’t have to worry about this too much, because Elena refused to forget.  “I need to remember all of it,” Elena says staunchly.

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Then Damon gives Elena back her necklace, as he seems to do, just about every other episode now.  (Seriously, girlfriend, put that thing in a security locker, or something. :))  To be honest, I was disappointed he didn’t physically put it on her neck, this time.  But what we ended up getting was much better . . .

“He’s really gone, this time,” Elena says sadly.  “I saw it happen.  After everything we went through to save him, he’s just gone.”

Then Elena looks up at Damon with her big doe eyes, and asks, in a voice filled with vulnerabililty, and childlike insistence, “Where were you, Damon?”

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Damon then moves close to Elena, looks straight into her eyes, and clasps both her hands.  He then speaks to her, his voice trembling with guilt, devotion, and, above all love, “I shouldn’t have left.  I promise you.  I will never leave you again.”

Elena smiles.  And then they make sweet, sweet love on the Salvatore Floor . . .

Or at least they WOULD HAVE, if EVIL Stefan didn’t come to Cockblock.  “Well, well, well, isn’t this cozy?”  He says meanly.  (Though, honestly, he’s never looked hotter.)

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Apparently, Klaus has sent Stefan to keep his eye on his human blood bank, and her new lover.  Well . . . THAT’S certainly going to make things awkward . . .

Rise, Darth Vader Michael the Vampire Hunter

Elsewhere, Jeremy and Katherine (now there’s a pairing you don’t see everyday) come upon a church where Anna says Michael is buried.

Inside, there is a single tomb.  Katherine opens it, and sees and old dead dude, bound by heavy chains.  His eyes open abruptly.  The Vampire Hunter has officially returned .  . .

Peekaboo!  (I see you!) 

Next week’s installment, promises lots of RIPPING from Ripper Stefan, along with some sexually tense training in Vampire Fighting 101 between Damon and Elena *claps madly.*

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Oh, and Alaric’s back . . . Elena never did get the chance to glue his desk shut, did she?  Pity .  . .

You can check out the various promos for the episode, here:

Now, it’s your turn.  Sound off on all the crazy twists and turns of “The Reckoning” :  Emotion Free Stefan, Soon-to-be Less Lonely Klaus, Hybrid Tyler, Ghost Whisperer Matt, Wants-Badly-to-Have-Sex-with-Damon-Elena ;), and most importantly, MICHAEL.  Feel free to use the comment section, to BITE into all the juicy elements of this episode.  And remember, Ripper Stefan will be watching . . .

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

A Fine Day for Misbehaving – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Disturbing Behavior”

[ Brief Note:  Recaps for Gossip Girl’s “The Jewel of Denial” and a Boardwalk Empire’s “A Dangerous Maid” should both be up on this site before Midnight, U.S. Eastern Standard Time.  This is what I get for trying to write two recaps at the same time, as opposed to being smart PATIENT, and just choosing one . . .  I blame Chuck Bass and his adorable new puppy, Monkey, of course. ;)]

 

Damon .  . . you’ve got a little something on your face.  I’m just going to lick it off, OK?  You don’t mind, do you?

Reverse psychology . . . it’s the notion that the best way to get someone to do ONE thing is to make him THINK that you want him to do something else.  Parents have been using this strategy to manipulate their teens for CENTURIES.  Why?  Because it works.  Simply put: teens like to rebel.  It makes them feel more grown-up, independent, and, of course, BAD ASS . . .

Now, THAT’S what I call Bad Ass.  I miss you, Elijah! 

This week’s episode of The Vampire Diaries was all about rebellion.  There wasn’t a single character on the show, who wasn’t trying to rebel against SOMEONE’S unreasonable expectations of them.  It’s just too bad more characters aren’t adept in the use of reverse psychology.  If they were, I suspect things would have gone a lot smoother for our friends from Mystic Falls . . .

“Sure, NOW you tell me . . .” 

Let’s recap, shall we?

(P.S. Special thanks, as always, go out to screencapping genius that is my good pal, Andre.)

Wake up!  Time to Shop!

“If I don’t see tents in your pants, I’m not buying it . . .  Well, actually, I only want a tent in Stefan’s pants.  If my brother gets a tent, I might puke up that security guard I just ate.” 

Original Vampire Rebekah has been napping for ninety years.  So, of course, as soon as she wakes up, she wants to go shopping.  (I would probably prefer to catch up on all the good television I missed.  But that’s just me . . .)  In a scene that’s mildly reminiscent of the Shopping Sequence from Pretty Woman, Rebekah tries on dresses from some swanky Chicago store, while Klaus and Stefan get Day Drunk on champagne, and take turns patronizing her, for sh*ts and giggles.

“These champagne glasses are AWESOME!” 

Rebekah is a bit of a “fish out of water” here, having missed out on the modern day joys of trance techno music and short slutty dresses.  It’s a bit ironic  to watch a girl who likes to eat people in public for fun exhibit moral indignation at the concept of wearng a dress that lands above the knee.

Klaus glibly remarks that people wore pant suits in Rebekah’s day, so that women could dress like prostitutes today.  But, honestly, the dress she had on was NOT that short . . . In fact, considering that Rebekah’s last memories stem from the Age of the Flapper, you would think that she’d have seen much shorter dresses in her first life time . . .

But hey, what do I know?

The last time Rebekah saw Stefan, the pair were LOVERS.  They were SUCH MAJOR LOVERS, in fact, that the Original Vamp was willing to defy her psychopath older brother to stay with Stefan.  So, understandably, she’s confused and a bit hurt by Stefan’s seeming indifference toward her.

Hey Rebekah . . . I have some reading material I think you might enjoy . . .

“I can always tell when you’re lying, Stefan,” Rebekah pouts, when Stefan boredly informs her that the dress she is wearing (which is AWESOME by the way . . . seriously, where can I get myself one of those?) is simply “nice.”

“I’m sorry.  I’m currently only capable of being turned on by women who look like Nina Dobrev.  Perhaps if you put on a brunette wig.”

Ummm . . .  actually Rebekah, EVERYONE can always tell when Stefan is lying, because he’s an AWFUL LIAR.

The only one who can’t seem to tell is Klaus.  And I’m pretty sure that this is because Klaus is secretly madly in love with Stefan, and, therefore, fully incapable of seeing his faults kind of like Elena.

Speaking of Stefan’s Fan Club the Original Vampire Brother/Sister Duo, currently, neither of them seem to have any idea, that Stefan regifted Rebekah’s much-coveted Magical Necklace to his last girlfriend, the decidedly not dead Elena.  And Elena, despite having been told, in no uncertain terms to F*&K OFF by Stefan, is still, at this very moment, wearing the damn thing . . .

Coincidentally, I’m pretty sure I saw the exact same necklace selling for $10 at Target, this week. 

Having already undoubtedly been forced by Elena to watch Pretty Woman about 85 times (He says he loves the Cinderella story, but secretly he just likes to ogle a 20-year old Julia Robert’s rack), since they started dating, an EXTREMELY unimpressed Stefan rushes outside for some “fresh air.”  It is there that he runs into a VERY familiar face . . .

“Stefipoo, I see you!” 

“Oh, I forgot, you’re ‘bad’ now . . .

I’m pretty sure that the only difference between Ripper Stefan and Good Stefan is that Ripper Stefan uses more gel in his hair . . . 

I’ve come to the conclusion that, despite Klaus’ assertions to the contrary, Stefan’s great LOVE of Rebekah wasn’t nearly as EPIC as Klaus or Rebekah would like to think it was.   After all, there’s really no love, like your first love . . . or like the love of the girl who looks just like your first love.

The minute Stefan encounters Katherine on a busy street corner, sparks begin to fly.  Katherine is doing that smirky thingy she always does when she’s being extra special flirtatious.  And Stefan is grinning from ear-to-ear, and has suddenly, and mysteriously, become a VERY CLOSE TALKER.

This time around Katherine actually seems kind of worried for Stefan’s well-being.  (My, the tables sure have turned, haven’t they?)  She knows all about the Tale of the Phantom Necklace, and hopes Stefan has a more devious plan for getting it back, than merely playing hard to get with Rebekah, so that Rebekah will become insecure of Stefan’s love for her, and sell out her brother, so that Stefan will “like her better.”  Here comes that reverse psychology . . .

(By the way, judging by the turn of events at the end of the episode, did anybody else wonder whether Katherine’s and Stefan’s surefire “plan” to attract members of the opposite sex was something that Katherine used on Damon, back when she rejected him during “The Return?”  If so, the only thing she got out of it was the Jeremy Neck Snap Incident . . . just sayin.’)

Stefan cockily claims to actually have a more advanced plan.  But, since he is a Salvatore, it seems genetically predetermined that whatever his plan is, it will almost undoubtedly suck royally.

Sorry, Damon.  But you’ve got to admit that I have a point. 

Not that this matters.  After all, the mere hint of a diabolical plan to defeat Klaus, once and for all, is enough to practically give Katherine an orgasm.  She wants IN and she wants in NOW!  But Stefan’s not having it . . . at all. Talk about playing hard to get!

A clearly jealous, and now, pouty, Katherine has some parting messages to leave wth Stefan.  “Watch out for that sister [Rebekah].  She’ll RUIN YOU,” the first Petrova Doppelganger tells the younger Salvatore Brother.  (It’s funny you mention that, Katherine, because Klaus said the same thing to Stefan, back in 1920.)  Could this possibly be an example of FORESHADOWING?

But you know Stefan, he’s “bad” now.  And, Bad Guys don’t listen to reason.  “I’m glad to know you still care,” Stefan says with a smile, throwing Katherine’s own words, from the beginning of the conversation right back in her face.

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Oh yes, Stefan, she DOES care.  And in about 30 minutes, you are going to be VERY relieved about that fact . . .

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls . . .

Sexy Kitchen Times with Delena, Part II: Electric Boogaloo

Who knew talking about “chili” could get you so hot?

Back in Season 1 of The Vampire Diaries, one of my first, and fondest, memories of Delena flirting was a now-iconic kitchen scene, in which Damon was joking with, teasing, and just generally rubbing all up on Elena, as the pair did dishes, following a Gilbert Family Dinner.

We got another taste of that this week.  And, if I’m not mistaken, it’s probably the FIRST TIME we’ve seen Elena smile ALL SEASON!

You see, this episode’s Mystic Falls’ Event of the Week, is nothing more than a LAME party at Tyler Lockwood’s house.  Seriously?  Couldn’t they be a bit more creative than that, like holding a Mystic Falls Bacchanal, or something of that nature.  I suspect Damon Salvatore is the kind of guy that could really be down for a Bacchanal . . .

Despite the fact that the ENTIRE TOWN seems to be invited to this damn thing, it’s also apparently a Pot Luck Lunch event.  So, Elena has decided to bake chili, in its honor.  And because all vampires (despite not having the need to eat) generally have manificent culinary skills, Damon is at her house, helping her find her G-spot do it. . .

“EVERYONE brings chili to these things,” gripes Damon.

But Elena is insistent on her choice of “pot” for the pot luck.  “It’s a Gilbert family recipe,”Elena retorts with pride.

“I’ve known the Gilberts for years.  And your family has sucky, chili!” Damon replies.

In response to this “devastating insult” to her family’s chili, Elena giggles like a little school girl (a very un-Elena thing to do, mind you), and then proceeds to hip bump / fondle Damon, as the two regard one another with a mixture of amusement and sheer animal passion.

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Now, THAT’S the Delena I remember . . . the one that consists of a smarky Damon, and a good-humored, non-judgmental, Elena. Keep it up, Writers!

Of course, now that Elena is being a less judgmental version of herself, new guardian Alaric has to step in and give Damon the STINK EYE for having the audacity to flirt wth Stefan’s girl.  (That’s funny, because I never considered Alaric and Stefan to be particularly close.  Did you?)

“How come neither of you wants any Chunky Monkey?  I’m starting to feel left out.” 

This, of course, prompts Damon to FLIRT EVEN HARDER, by cleverly remarking that the reason he has not left Elena’s side since the Big Bad Chicago Vacation, is because he’s very much hoping to make sweet, sweet love to her, on top of her kitchen table he fears she will eventually”crack” from Stefan’s recent dumping of her, and eventually come to need sexual psychological help from Dr. Damon.  As proof of this, Damon notes the fact that Elena is still wearing the vervain necklace Stefan gave to her.

“What do you say, you and me ditch Papa Ric here, and go up to my room, where I can show you all the different places you can, ahem, put my necklace?”

(I mean, sure, she DOES need a steady supply vervain to prevent vampire compulsion, given all the undead baddies she finds herself face-to-face with, on a nearly weekly basis.  But she can get that by drinking the lousy coffee from the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  So, the Necklace Filled with Weepy Now-Possibly Evil Ex-Boyfriend Memories is technically unnecessary.)

With Alaric’s jealous angry eyes on him, Damon whirls Elena toward him and tugs on the vervain necklace, so that the pair only have the thin piece of silver between them.  The move is a GOOD one.  And it, clearly, has an effect on Elena, who can’t seems to stop staring at Damon’s mouth (which she REALLY wants to kiss), or his chest, (because she REALLY wants to rip off his clothing.)

Nicely played, Damon, my man .  .  .

Speaking of males and females that not-so-secretly want to bone one another . . .

What, no Ghost Sex?  I feel robbed . . .

“He looks so peaceful.  I wonder what he is dreaming about?” 

“OH!  Cool!”

Jeremy Gilbert is lounging around in bed, having a wet dream about his dead girlfriend Anna, when POOF, she appears in bed next to him.  Now THAT is the coolest super power EVER!  Unlike the past few episodes where Ghost Anna merely stares at Jeremy moonily, utters some words of warning about Vicki, and blinks out of existence, this time, Anna actually TALKS to Jeremy.

“You have no idea how glad I am to see you.  Heaven has NO hot guys, whatsoever.  I guess they all end up in Hell.” 

Jeremy subsequently responds, and the two actually have an EXTENDED conversation . . . one that probably makes Jeremy sound TOTALLY schizophrenic to anyone happening by his room, at the time.  It turns out, Heaven, or wherever the heck it is that Anna ended up, is TOTALLY lame and boring.  And so, my personal favorite of all of Jeremy’s girlfriends, both alive AND dead (The chemistry between these two is really smokin’) is thrilled to have a lover on Earth, who can hear her, and possibly even satisfy OTHER needs she might have  . . . ahem.

So, everything is going absolutely great . . . until Bonnie has to return from her Summer Away from Mystic Falls, thereby ruining Ghost Sex for the rest of us.  Gee thanks, Bonnie . . . or should I say, the Wicked Witch of the Cockblock.

“That man-stealing, B*tch!  I am so going to haunt her ass.” 

On their second meeting Jeremy gets a bit more information, both about why Anna keeps stalking Vicki. (“Everytime she appears, I sense a darkess in her.  I’m worried for you” . . .)

Umm . . . I think I know where that “darkness” came from . . .

. . . what causes her to appear, (“I can only appear when you are having sexual thoughts  thinking about me, and are open to it.”) . . .

“You know what they say about guys with big hands . . .”

. . .  and what sort of fun things they can do together, now that she’s back.  (Despite the fact that Anna is a ghost, Jeremy finds that he can FEEL her touch — OH HELL YES!)

HANDGASM!

Unfortunately, Jeremy starts to feel slightly guilty, when Anna keeps popping up, every single time, he’s with Bonne (who’s relationship reminds me more of brother  / sister than boyfriend / girlfriend, for whatever reason).  And so, after a freak incident, in which, the ghost who Anna claims is Vicki, set fire to a few Bennett spellbooks, putting both Bonnie and Jeremy in danger, Jeremy decides to FINALLY come clean to Bonnie about the whole, “I see dead people,” thingy.

“Actually, I just lent her my copy of The Sixth Sense, and sent her home, so that I could go back to ghost f*&king Anna.”

This causes Poor Anna to begin to fade away, or more accurately, melt, a la the Wicked Witch of the West.  She calls out to Jeremy in tears, begging him not to shut her out of his life, so soon after they both found one another again.  But alas, either he can’t hear her, or pretends not to do so.

“Jeremy!  You have to talk to me!  I can’t go back there!  I keep getting hit on by this creepy witch named Luka.”

No matter . . .  something tells me Anna won’t stay “dead to Jeremy” for long.  And when she DOES reawaken, my Big Dreams for TVD Season 3 Ghost Sex will be promptly renewed . . .

Elsewhere in town . . .

Douchey Daddy Strikes Again . . . Sort of

“Do you think it’s weird that the two of us have the exact same haircut?” 

Renewed besties, Damon, and the artist formerly known as Lizard Forbes, walk together through town, as they make cheesy jokes about Papa Forbes, the Big Gay Right Wing Vampire Racist.  Damon thinks it would be a great idea to kill this BASTARD, who, last week, thought it was a GREAT IDEA to try and BURN HIS OWN DAUGHTER to a crisp, in hopes of teaching her “discipline.”

“Stop it Dad, or I’m going to tell Mom you snuck out to that Celine Dion concert on the first night of your honeymoon.” 

“Liz” is strongly against this idea.  He’s still Caroline’s father, after all.  Plus, she still sort-of / kind-of understands where the guy is coming from, considering, not-too-long ago, SHE was contemplating doing something similar.

“Thankfully, I negotiated a clause in my contract this year, which requires that my character NOT be an evil daughter-killing wench . . .” 

“Just because you and  are on good terms now, doesn’t mean I approve of your [vampire] lifestyle, Liz cautions.

“Is that what you told him, before you two got divorced?”  Damon snarks.

Annnnd the vampires = gay people metaphor cheesy jokes just keep on coming . . .

Down in the same dungeon where Daddy-o was keeping Caroline last week, Liz Forbes is now storing the not-so-proud papa, himself.  Damon does a quick taste test on him to see if he is on vervain.

“Now I can see the resemblance between you and Caroline.  You TOTALLY taste like her.” 

He isn’t.  And so, he compels him to forget everything that happened last week, and simply leave town.

“Peekaboo!  I see you!” 

Sounds good, right?  Well, it turns out . . . not so much.  But more on that later .  . .

Switching Salvatores and “Taking a Beat”

“Coincidentally, if you do plan on boning Damon, I have some GREAT six tips, I’d love to share with you.” 

You know those sitcoms where, for an entire episode, all the supporting cast members tell the about-to-couple couple NOT to couple . . . and then they don’t listen, and decide to couple anyway?  Well, that’s pretty much what this week’s episode of TVD felt like (Though, without the happy desired ending.)

It all started with Caroline wondering whether Elena was switching Salvatores, having noticed a generalized flirtiness and chumminess between Elena and Damon of late.  It makes sense that Caroline, of all people, would be one of the first (aside from Alaric, of course) to notice this, given the equally sexually tense “friendship,” she and Tyler shared, before the pair started boning one another’s brains out.  You can always count on Caroline, not to beat around the bush.

“Come ON, Elena!  We all watched ‘The Hybrid’ episode . . .” 

Elena isn’t quite ready to admit to herself how hard she is clearly falling for Damon (and has been for some time now).  So, she merely continues DENYING, DENYING, and DENYING (at least at first) by claiming that Damon has just been “helping her, through the whole Stefan, thing . . .’

Yeah, here’s hoping he helps her with whole “celibate, since Stefan left,” thing too, sometime soon . . .

“See how this water runs down my chest and into my nether regions . . . that could be you, if you play your cards right.”

Elena’s wishy-washy initial response aside, Caroline, having not had the best dating experience with Damon in the past, herself, warns Elena about getting involved with him in that way.  Meanwhile, the newly judgy Alaric is in DAMON’S ear, telling him how INAPPROPRIATE his recent coupleyness with Elena has become.  And HE would know.  He sleeps next door to Elena, and probably hears her call out to Damon in his sleep.  (Dreams, don’t lie, after all!)

“Damon . . . try to remember all the good times we’ve had.  Why would you possibly give up this Chunky Monkey for some girl?” 

“I think you should take a beat,” Alaric tells Damon, regarding his buddy’s less than subtle pursuit of Elena.  (Yeah, Alaric now uses phrases like “take a beat,” because apparently, he has temporarily switched personalities with a square guest star cop from some bad seventies sitcom.)  Damon, of course, is super hurt that Alaric wouldn’t trust him to protect Elena, when that’s pretty much all he’s been doing for over the past two seasons.

Well . . . almost all he’s been doing . . . 

Uh oh, Alaric!  You may have just inadvertently sparked a Salvatore Brother Rebellion . . .

“I’ll show him!  Elena, come have sex with me.  NOW!” 

When your necklace starts BURNING YOUR SKIN, and spontaneously combusting, that’s probably a good sign you should THROW IT AWAY!

“My boobs are killing me.  If I didn’t know vampires couldn’t procreate, I’d be really worried I might be pregnant.”

Back in Chicago, Stefan looks on with his incredibly bad POKER FACE, as Witch Gloria tries to spell the location of “Elena’s Rebekah’s missing necklace.”  As she chants, back in Mystic Falls, said necklace starts doing weird crap, like BURNING ELENA’S skin, and floating in the air, and temporarily bursting into flames.  Elena reluctantly agrees to give the necklace to Bonnie, so that she can do a magical witch autopsy on it, and trace it for EVIL BUGS.

“It’s just a hickey guys.  I really don’t know why you are getting so upset over this.” 

Meanwhile, Gloria claims to KNOW where the necklace is, or at least, who has it.  And yet, for whatever reason, she decides to stall for time, telling Klaus and Co., she’ll have the necklace whereabouts for him shortly.  But, for now, they must leave . . .  “You guys are harshing my juju,” Gloria complains.

“Who are you calling a juju?  I was raised Protestant.”

Neither Rebekah or Klaus appreciate being told what to do by a mere witch.  However, Stefan who suspects Gloria might be purposefully holding something back, something that could be useful to HIM, convinces the brother/sister duo to exit stage left.  “Come on.  I’ll let you choose who we eat,” he says.

“And by that, what I really mean is that I will let you stick it anywhere.” 

Apparently, when it comes to bringing people (and vampires) together . . . there’s no tool quite as powerful as drained corpses food .  . . aside from sex, of course.

Speaking of sex . . .

Bondage Stefan . . . He’s BAAACK!

“First the Tomb Vamps and now THIS!  What did I do to deserve this terrible treatment?  Oh, that’s right, I’ve MURDERED over 1,000 people.” 

When Stefan excuses himself from eating some chick, Klaus assumes he’s off to “brood” or “write on a wall” or something.  But, really, Stefan wants to see Gloria about the necklace.  This is fitting, because Gloria wants to see Stefan too.

“So many hair care questions to ask . . . so little time.” 

In case it hasn’t been made clear up to this point, Gloria REALLY wants that necklace back.  And she knows that Stefan knows where it is.  And if Stefan won’t give up that information voluntarily, well, she’s just going to have to extract it from him . . . literally . . .

“When the director described this scene to me,  I really thought I would enjoy it more.” 

Cut to the next scene, where Stefan is all oiled up and nakey and strapped down to a table.  (Did a woman or gay man, write this episode?  I THINK SO!)  You know when we first met Gloria, I thought she was going to be on “our team,” because she had flirty conversations with Damon, and cool hair.  Well, I GUESS NOT!

Now, she’s slitting Stefan’s wrist to “collect his essence,” clamping his arms with weird bracelets, to prevent him from healing,  giving him headaches, Bonnie Bennett-style, and lathering vervain all up on his naked chest, porno movie-style.  Yet, despite it all, Stefan refuses to talk . . . And it REALLY sucks that he’s such a terrible liar.  Because such a skill would inevitably come in handy, in this instance.

Plus, as it turns out, Gloria doesn’t actually NEED Stefan to talk, because his “essence” is doing it for him.  (Seriously?  What kind of hippy bullsh*t is that?)  Cue the Stelena MONTAGE!  Now, it’s as if Gloria just watched all the “previously on” parts of The Vampire Diaries episodes, from Seasons 1 and 2.  She knows EVERYTHING .  . . from the fact that Elena is the Petrova Doppelganger.  To the fact that Stefan is pretty much FAKING his friendship with Klaus to protect Elena, to how much Stefan luuuuuuuuuuuves Elena.

“My essence really needs to shut the f*ck up!” 

Well, this is annoying!  So, of course, I cheered when BAMF Katherine STAKED GLORIA’S ASS, and killed her dead.  (Actually, I cheered the fact that Katherine saved Stefan.  I actually felt like Gloria and her bad juju should have stuck around a little while longer.  She was COOL!)  My only complaint, to this effect, was that Katherine didn’t then decide to jump his bones, considering he was all naked and waiting.  But, hey, we can’t always get what we want.  Right?

Well, THAT was kind of anti-climactic! 

Speaking of not getting what you want, Katherine finds just this out, when, after all that, Stefan STILL refuses to let Katherine in on his big bad  Klaus killing plans.  He does give her some crucial information, however,  As it turns out, part of Stefan’s “plan” involves locating the Big Bad Vampire Hunter Klaus seems so very afraid of, and getting HIM to do the dirty work for him.

Now, Katherine has what she needs to start her OWN mission.  So, THERE, Stefan!

Speaking of couples I ship . . .

Forwood Sex Revisited .  . . for about two seconds.

“Why are you wearing red?  I thought we decided we both hated the color red?” 

Perhaps, to apologize to us for the blatant lack of Delena, Kefan, and Jeranna sex we got in this episode, we do get one kind of random, but still adorable Forwood scene, amidst all the vervaining, and necklace grabbing, and hot-chili making.  Tyler comes home all hot and sweaty and red tank toppy from running or football practice or whatever, to find a perfectly coiffed Caroline lying on his bed, patiently awaiting his return.  As it turns out, she’s hiding from her father, who just so happens to be conveniently immune to vampire compulsion, and therefore, hasn’t left town as Damon instructed.  (More on that later.)

“Take me, you Big Bad Teen Wolf, you!” 

I love the wide-eyed excitement on Tyler’s face, when he sees Caroline in his bed, and just KNOWS he’s about to get lucky.

*insert cartoon noise of eyes popping out of head*

Teenage hormones and lupine urges aside, Tyler manages to be the sensitive boyfriend, by listening to Caroline talk about how she STILL loves her dad, despite the fact that he pretty much abused her in the worst way possible, and is a TOTAL asshat.  Tyler knows all about bad dads, and can relate.

He pulls Caroline’s head into his chest, affectionately.  And she breaks the spell, by remarking on how skanky his workout clothing smells.   (Hey!  Nobody’s perfect right?)  Fortunately, the stench isn’t enough to keep Caroline from ripping off Tyler’s tank top and beginning to have her way with him, right on his bed.

That’s one of the things I enjoy so much about this couple, put aside all the werewolf / vampire angst, and you’ve got two surprisingly normal, sometimes smelly, teenagers, who occasionally like to use one another’s bodies as scratching posts. It just doesn’t get much more relatable than that.

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So, of course, Elena calls Caroline’s cell phone, and cockblocks the pair.  “It’s an emergency,” she tells Caroline.

Poor Tyler, I suspect he’s got a really bad case of THESE right now . . .

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.  And, I suspect, it won’t be the last, either . . .

Welcome to my Poopy List, Elena Gilbert . . . 

Kill Bill? Not if Alaric (or Caroline) have anything to say about it!

Damon had never been too keen on letting that Turd Bill Forbes live, in the first place.   But NOW that he’s vervain immune, showing up at Anti-Vampire Council meetings Uncle/Father John style, and threatening to “out” Damon (and there are those gay metaphors again!), he’s REALLY dead set on eliminating him!

Cue, Judgy McJudgerson Alaric, and his oh-so-annoying pleas to spare Beeeeel’s life.  Yeah, definitely not a fan of Alaric, this week, though I’m glad to see him finally taking on some responsibilities in this town.  More on that later.  Damon, apparently, isn’t either, which is why he KILLS him . . . temporarily, of course.  After all, Alaric still has his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality, making him immune to supernatural murders, even those performed through natural means, like neck snapping.

So sleepy. 

To say Elena is not pleased with this recent turn of events, is the understatement of the century, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”  She exclaims frustratedly.

You’ve been alone with me for practically four episodes and you haven’t once tried to jump my bones.  It’s Alaric, isn’t it.  Clearly, you’re in love with Alaric.”

Damon patiently (well, maybe not so patiently) explains to Elena that he is a VAMPIRE, and that this is the sort of thing that vampires do .  . . well, the ones who aren’t Stefan and Caroline anyway.

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“I may look really mad at you right now, but I still want to take you to my bedroom and give you the ride of your life.”

“That doesn’t mean that you have to act like one,” Elena pouts.

It seems that Elena somehow feels this need to prove to her friends that Damon isn’t the “monster” they claim him to be.  Possibly so that when she inevitably starts dating him, they won’t give her such a hard time.  Say what, Elena?  What happened to “I like you just the way you are?”  (How soon we forget?)

Elena’s short-term memory loss aside.  I actually think it’s a POSITIVE thing for this couple, that Elena obviously has strong enough feelings for Damon to constantly moan and b*tch about every little thing that he does.  Sure, she might be going about things the wrong way, by trying to make Damon into a surrogate Stefan.  But still, if she DIDN’T love him, she wouldn’t care how he behaved, right?

No?  Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

“I am not Stefan!  How about you stop trying to turn me into him?” Damon replies, before storming off.

As an aghast Elena glares at the space recently vacated by Damon, as she waits for her not-so-guardian to return to life, Damon enters the Lockwood house, and confronts Bill AGAIN.  They each monologue a bit, not saying too much of interest, honestly, except for the part where Bill says that he’s immune to compulsion (particularly Damon’s “lazy” brand of it”), and that he knows Damon would never kill him, simply because he’s Caroline’s dad.

See what I mean about reverse psychology?  The next thing you know, Damon is sucking on Bill’s neck, like its a tootsie pop.  And part of me is REALLY hoping Damon turns him into a vampire.  Because wouldn’t that be the WORST and MOST FITTING PUNISHMENT EVER!  SERIOUSLY!

“DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!” 

Enter Caroline.  She’s mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore.  In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the first time Caroline caught Damon off guard, and kicked his ass, after learning how he compelled her to be his sex slave, back before she became a vampire . . .

. . .  Caroline literally throws Damon across the room, to get him away from her evil father.

“Did I miss something here?” 

“I’m stronger than you are, Little Girl,” Damon retorts as the too battle it out, or as Damon would call it “girlfight” (There was no hair-pulling involved, unfortunately).

“Yeah, but I’m angrier,” Caroline responds, successfully keeping Damon at bay long enough to shove her bloody arm in her dad’s face to heel him,and get him out of harms way.

Many fans were frustrated by the lack of realism (Yes, we often DO talk about realism on a show about VAMPIRES.  Got a problem with that?) inherent in Baby Vamp Caroline so easily disarming Not-So-Baby Vamp Damon, who’s about a century-and-a-half her junior.  From my perspective, Caroline was able to take down Damon this time for the same reason she so easily took him down, back when she first turned.  Simply put:  She caught Damon by surprise.  And he underestimated her strength.

Though I’m sure Caroline was VERY mad at Damon for chowing down on her sperm donor, I highly doubt this alone would have been enough to secure her victory.  She still kicks ass, though.  . .

In short thanks to the daughter he believes is SOOOO evil, Caroline’s AWFUL father got to live happily ever after.   Ummm . . . yay?

Seriously, though, kudos to Caroline for having love in her heart, even for those who do not show her love in return.  I doubt I could have been as mature as she was, if my dad locked me in a dungeon, strapped me to a chair, stole my jewelry, and tried to BURN me.

Original Rebekah – Vampire Snitch Extraordinaire

Now fully clothed (DARN!), and with Gloria out of the picture, Stefan sneaks off to Klaus’ Dead Family Member Museum, and undoubtedly, begins looking for Elijah, so that he can unstake him, and try to dig himself out of the massively deep hole into which he has dug himself, during the past four episodes.

However, before he can do this, Rebekah finds him.  Stefan tries to charm the girl into giving up information about the vampire hunter.  But, as it turns out, he hasn’t been all that charming since 1920.  (Modern-day Stefan has always had more of an understated, broody kind of charm, anyway.)

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It seems that our Cocky Ripper Douche has genuinely over-estimated the power of his weiner.  No Stefan.  Women you have not talked to in ninety years will NOT betray their brothers, and reveal their deepest, darkest secrets to you, simply because you asked nicely.  I’m afraid most of us girls are a bit more complicated than that.  And Rebekah, apparently, is no exception.

The poo REALLY hits the fan, when Rebekah and Stefan make out, and Beks asks Stefan if he will ever again love someone as much as he loves the supposedly dead Elena, “Eventually,” Stefan replies.

Remember when I said Stefan was a bad liar?  Well, apparently, he’s also not so good at kissing people who he doesn’t believe are his soulmates.  And, as you know, Rebekah can ALWAYS tell if Stefan is lying.  The Bratty Original is crushed at having been played.  So, when Klaus returns to the Dead People museum, Rebekah IMMEDIATELY rats Stefan out for being “against [them]” and asking questions about Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael (Hallelujah!  He has a NAME!)

“Oh! SH*T!  Well that certainly didn’t go as planned.” 

“Haha, fooled you!”

Now, Stefan is up sh*t’s creek without a paddle, because Klaus will most certainly believe his sister over his FAKE brother.  Klaus lunges at Stefan, with murder in his eyes.

Annnnnnnd . . . then, we cut to commercial break . . .

The End of a Bromance

So, remember how I told you how Caroline became my HERO this week? Well, she did it AGAIN, by confronting Elena about her OBVIOUS romantic attraction to Damon, and seeming inability to admit it.

Elena woefully notes that “[If I do have feelings for him] (which she TOTALLY does), what kind of person does that make me.”  It makes you human, Caroline responds, giving Elena a hug.  OH HELL YEAH, CAROLINE!

Coming soon to a TVD episode near you . . . FOR REAL, this time.

You tell her it’s OK to love them both, because it TOTALLY IS!   (Especially, if loving them both, involves regaling us Delena fans with a HOT (but prime time channel appropriate)  sex scene some time in the future.

A girl can dream, can’t she?  Then, Caroline says goodbye to her father, who’s FINALLY leaving Mystic Falls.  Hopefully for good.  (Good riddens!  I HATE this douchebag!)  Papa Forbes gets a VERY minimal amount of points for actually thanking his daughter for saving his life.  But then, he loses them again, by telling Caroline that because she’s a vampire, she will [never be OK again.]

SERIOUSLY?  Why didn’t Damon kill this douchebag, when he had a chance?

Speaking of Damon, he’s back at the Salvatore Boarding House, trying to make amends with Alaric, by offering him a morning class of bourbon and OJ, from when he comes back to life.  After all, nothing says, “I’m sorry I murdered you in cold blood,” like a Big Ole Glass a booze . . .

“You killed me,” Alaric exclaims.

“You pissed me off,” Damon replies matter-of-factly, as if this should adequately explain away everything.

“YOU KILLED ME!”  Alaric exclaims again, clearly not quite sure whether Damon heard him the first time.

Clearly, Alaric doesn’t yet understand what it means to piss Damon off, despite the fact that Damon has killed him . .  . what . . . 85 times, by now.  (Yes, I’m exaggerating here.  But, I think you get the idea).  Oh, and also, Alaric’s ring is apparently on the fritz. It took him much longer to come back to life this time.

Perhaps, there are only so many times you can use this little Get-Out-of-Death Free card before it stops working entirely.  Or, maybe the more times you die, the longer it takes you to come back.  That sounds a bit like that “universe in balance hoo-ha the witches on this show are always, talking about, right?  Whatever the reason is for this recent Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality Anomaly, if I was Alaric, I’d be more than a bit afraid, right now.

In other words, your Chunky Monkey not be able to get you out of a jam, next time around.

But apparently, Alaric, ISN’T afraid.  He’s PISSED OFF.  And he proves this, by wrangling a position on the Anti-vampire Council.

If someone invited THOSE guys, surely Alaric can come too . . .

But he’s not a Founding Family member, you say?  Well, perhaps, not.  But he IS  Elena’s and Jeremy’s sole pseudo guardian / surrogate Gilbert.  He’s also one of the few folks in Mystic Falls who doesn’t secretly have a supernatural child (at least not one that he knows about), making him a fairly non-biased representative of Team Human.  Did I mention that he has a vampire killing weapons arsenal that would make Buffy the Vampire Slayer blush?

Now, don’t get me wrong, after watching Alaric drink himself stupid, and be depressed (with weird hair) for a couple of episodes, it really is nice to see him buck up and take a stand to help his town.  I just REALLY hope Alaric doesn’t become the new vampire hating Uncle/Father John Gilbert.  We all know how things turned out for him . . .

When One Road Trip Ends, Another Begins . .  .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Vampire Katherine (who must REALLY be wracking up those frequent flier miles), impersonates Elena again to get her precious MAGICAL vervain necklace from Bonnie.  She then shows up at Damon’s door, giving the poor guy the impression that she’s Elena coming to apologize for all her Alaric-murdering judginess.

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“Trouble-in-paradise already?” Katherine inquires with a smirk, when Damon makes moves to accept “Elena’s” apology.

Katherine wants Damon to go on a roadtrip with her, but she won’t tell him where.  I suspect the destination has something to do with this Vampire Hunter Michael of whom Klaus is so petrified.  Girlfriend is even willing to DRIVE, something, which I suspect she doesn’t offer very often.

Feeling a bit rejected by his Mystic Falls pals, of late (and with good reason, considering the episode he’s had) Damon readily agrees to road trip with the OTHER Petrova Doppelganger.

Rest assured, Vampire Hijinks and probably some Car Sex will ensue!

Elsewhere, Stefan wakes up in a truck, to find Klaus homoerotically watching him sleep (No big surprise there.).  Knowing he’s in BIIIIG trouble, Stefan starts yammering out a speedy apology / explanation / lie about the whole “Rebekah thinks I’m about to betray you” thing.  But Klaus doesn’t seem mad at all.  Just amused.

“You look so pretty, when you are petrified.” 

He knows that Stefan is hiding a secret from him.  And that secret is in Mystic Falls . . . which is where Klaus and Stefan are too now, once again . . . having arrived, quite fittingly, just minutes after Damon and Katherine, Stefan’s (and Elena’s) would be saviors have skipped town . . .

RUH ROH!

SLIGHT SPOILER ALERT:

Next weeks trailer looks juicy, and by juicy I mean bitey .  . . specifically Stefan it seems to suggest that Stefan is being forced (possibly by compulsion?) to chow down on Elena’s neck?  Is it to early to predict a DAMON-Y speedy return and subsequent Elena rescue?  All fingers crossed!

You can check out the trailer for “The Reckoning” here:

END OF SPOILER

So, what did you all think of “Disturbing Behavior?”  Was it sufficiently disturbing for you?  Did either Alaric or Tattletale Rebekah get on  your nerves this week?  Are you Team Bonnie or Team Jeranna?

And, perhaps most importantly, are you as ready for Elena to FINALLY switch Salvatore Brothers as I am?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section below.

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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