Bon Temps Regurgitated – A Recap of “Let’s Boot and Rally!”

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Boot and Rally, Fangbangers!  It’s the mantra of champion partiers the world over.  After all, everyone knows that the harder you party, the greater the chance that your “fun” is going to come back and haunt you . . . one way or the other.

But the strong among us are the ones that can take a beating, dust ourselves off (rinse out our mouths, if necessary), and head right back out on the proverbial dance floor to do it all over again.

At least, I call that strong.   Others might call that stupidity . . . or alcoholism . . . whatever.

Anyway, this week’s episode of True Blood was all about the various ways in which people’s past can come back to haunt them.  It also explored how some of our favorite (and a few of our not-so- favorite) characters coped with these “haunting” experiences.

But enough philosophizing, let’s boot and rally on to another TB-cap!

REVENGE of the Orange Marzipan

When we last left our heroine Sookie Stackhouse, she was grinding her ridiculously drunk ass all over Alcide man candy, and cleaning his werewolf fangs with her tongue.

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Meanwhile, Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo Bill and Eric stood outside Sookie’s window . . . watching.  (Quality Vampire Porn must be real hard to come by in Bon Temps, if even the King of Louisiana has to improvise.)

Eventually, Sookie and Alcide decide to move this party upstairs.  Sookie hitches a ride on Alcide’s massive torso, and up to the bedroom they go!

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Now, whether or not you’re a fan of Sookie and Alcide as a couple, you have to admit, this scene was pretty f*&king awesome.  There were grunts, groans, grinds, and kisses from both parties, and Alcide did this thing with his belt that had to be the best free advertisement for the Magic Mike movie I’ve ever seen.

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Then, Alcide whispers in Sookie’s ear that he’s “waited so long for this.”  And really, what girl doesn’t want to hear that, pre-coitus?

Sookie’s response?  Let’s just say it was explosive . . .

And now for the super slow-mo instant replay . . .

Oh, it’s SO over!  Eric and Bill are upstairs in a flash, for the post-game wrap up.

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Alcide thought he was getting laid tonight.   Instead, he got a pair of shoes that will match nicely with a pair of khakis, if he ever decides to wear them . . . (Alcide always seemed like more of a jeans and flannel guy to me.)

Downstairs in the kitchen, a still drunk Sookie is just finding it absolutely hilarious that her two ex-boyfriends have interrupted her sexcapades for yet another Vampire Investigation Mission.

She’s game, though!  Talk about a boot and rally.  Sookie’s so eager to get started on her mission, she can’t even be bothered to properly open her front door!

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 (I almost forgot that Tara broke that last week.  I wonder if Sookie’s homeowner’s insurance policy covers “Vampire Temper Tantrums” . . .)

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Meanwhile, in some random bunker .  . .

REVENGE of the . . . um . . . Evil Fire Thingy?

Terry and Noel from Felicity have been tied up by their wackjob comrade, who keeps babbling on and on about something called a “lfrite.”  Apparently, it’s like this Vengeance Fire Demon or something.  Wackjob Comrade says the “lfrite” is out to get Terry and his buddies, because of all those people they torched during the war.  Personally, I’m kind of hoping the lfrite goes ahead and takes vengeance on this lame storyline, by burning it to the ground.  But for now, it just takes Wackjob Comrade, while Terry and Noel from Felicity live to “lfrite” another day . . .

In other news . . .

REVENGE of . . . Jesus’ Head?

Lafayette is sad, because that weird party mask from last season, keeps making him do BAAAAD things, like almost put bleach in the soup at Bon Temps, and cut the breaks on Sookie’s car.  (Quite the kidder, that Weird Party Mask!)

So, Lafayette does what many people would do in this situation.  He prays to Jesus . . .

. . . well, not THAT Jesus .  . . although he was standing in front of a statue of HIM when he said the prayer.  THIS Jesus . . .

You know, the one Lafayette sort of / kind of killed last season, while under the influence of yet another dark force?  “Show me a sign that you hear me!”  Lafayette pleads.

Jesus does his former beau one better.  He gives him head . . . literally.  

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Now, that’s what I call a good boyfriend!

REVENGE of  . . . that Annoying Authority Storyline

In the immortal words of Vampire Pam, “Blah, blah, blah . . . Blood of Lilith, Blah.”

Christopher Meloni is trying to rally his troops against the imminent uprising of the Sanguinistas,  who may or may not be led by Eric’s hot but crazy sister, Nora, who’s spent the past three episodes or so, doing nothing but rocking back and forth on her knees, screaming and curling up in a fetal position.

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 (The character had such a promising start too!)

But personally, my money is on Salome being the REAL woman behind the rebellion / freeing Russell from his cement jail cell.

My favorite part of this whole Authority Storyline was when Mac from Veronica Mars called Bill and Eric to tell them she had activated the blow-up device on their leather S&M jock straps.

Why was that my favorite?  Because Mac from Veronica Mars is funny, and so are leather S&M jock straps, at least I think they are . . .

REVENGE of the Shapeshifter Haters with the Funny Masks

Ruh-roh, Scooby Doo!  There appears to be a gang of Supernatural Creature Killers on the loose, who keep offing all of Sam’s shifter buddies! (Man!  Sam’s pals and f*&k buddies just seem to drop like flies, every single season.  Remind me to un-friend him on Facebook . . .)

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Back in Season 1, we didn’t get to find out who the serial killer was,  until the second-to-last episode.

But this time around, these chumps are driving around out in the open with their stupid masks, like it’s friggin Mardis Gras.  They shoot both Luna and Sam, as a petrified Emma shifts into a baby wolf and skitters away.  I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Luna’s dead and Sam’s not . . . which means Sam’s probably going to adopt Emma, which means a lot more screen time for the child actress.  But hey, at least wolf girl is better than that vampire kid, right?

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Anything is better than that vampire kid . . .

REVENGE of Fangbanging Hoyt

One thing True Blood has always been missing is evidence of solid girl bonding.  I mean sure, Sookie and Tara were “best friends.”  But lets face it, they spent half of the screen time they spent together,  crying, yelling and screaming, usually at one another.

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After all, Tara isn’t exactly the kind of girlfriend you invite over for to watch a Ryan Gosling Movie Marathon, talk about boys, and dance around the room with, while you’re singing into your hairbrush.

But Vampire Jess is definitely that kind of girl, which was why it was so cool to see her take Tara under her wing, and show her all the awesome things the vampire world has to offer.

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And wouldn’t you know it, girlfriend even made Tara crack a smile or too, which is probably the most shocking thing I’ve seen in four plus seasons of True Blood.

Then, stupid Hoyt had to go f*&k everything up with his lame 80’s rocker clothes, and new-found fangbanging ways.  Damn, The Man!  Remember back when this was a REALLY likeable character?

That seems like ages ago, now!  Mama Fortenberry would definitely not approve!

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Tinkerbell’s REVENGE

Thank you, Fairies, for making Jason naked again . . .

. . . and for that weird (but oddly captivating) dream sequence where he wore He-man footy pajamas, and his mom told him to go get a blow job, because it “always makes him feel better.”

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You are officially, my heroes!

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Speaking of naked, Andy Bellefleur spent a second episode of the season in his birthday suit, thereby making him officially nude more than ERIC NORTHMAN, this season.

Not cool . . . Alan Ball . . . not cool at all . . .

And the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .

The Return of Russell Edgington!

With the help of an extra large coffee and some Nutter Butters, Hangover! Sookie successfully un-glamored Alcide’s employee, simply by holding and fondling his hand a few times.  Now, that’s impressive (as were the hilariously petrified expressions the guy was making throughout the entire episode — LOVED HIM)!  Somehow or other this brings Sookie (her HAREM of men in tow) to the creepy old abandoned insane asylum where Russell Edgington has been biding his time, while his burnt up nasty face reforms.  The endless buffet of human shishkabobs certainly doesn’t hurt.

The episode ends with a final triumphant showdown between Big Bad Russell (who’s still looking a bit too feeble old mannish to be believable as genuine threat) . . .

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 . . . and one delicious Viking Vamp.

Vampire Househusbands of Bon Temps – The Reunion Special

Color me intrigued!  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Sookie Stackhouse: Angel of DEATH! – A Recap of True Blood’s “We Will Meet Again”

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Uh oh, Fangbangers!  Don’t mess with the Sookster!  Because, if you do, you might just end up with a stake in your heart, a cap in your ass, a face full of glow fingers, or a piece of your brain flapping in the wind.  (Sorry Tara!)

For all you folks who’ve been super pissed about this whole “Everybody Loves Sookie” theme that’s been a resounding refrain on this show since season one . . .

. . .this was the episode for you!

Sookie sure wasn’t feeling the love this week . . . with everyone from Lafayette, to Holly, to that random extra sitting in the back booth at Merlotte’s giving her Bon Temps Death Stare.

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Of course, there was one notable exception . . .

Yes, TB fans, after two seasons of unrequited sexual tension, Alcide Herveaux and Sookie Stackhouse finally swapped some heavily alcohol-laced spit, just a hop skip and a jump away from the spot where the former’s trailer trash ex was turned into wolf kibble.  Ain’t that sweet?

In other news, they FINALLY killed off that darn kid . . . Yeah, I said it.

Let’s review, shall we?

Tanning BAAAAD, Blood GOOOOD!

Those of you who were secretly hoping that Vampire Tara would meet her maker, Jersey Shore style, were probably a bit disappointed, when Pam not only rescued her progeny from the Evil Tanning Bed, but forbid her from using it again.  (I guess she will have to find more creative ways to try and off herself now.)

That said, considering how much pride Vampire Pam takes in her relationship with her Maker (more on that later) . . .

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 . . . it was kind of nice to see the tough-as-stakes blonde take her “parenting” responsibility seriously.  Not only did Pam teach Tara how to feed without killing, she also helped her to hate herself just a little less, and gave her some fashion tips to boot!

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Now, that’s what I call a good mom!

Of course, teaching Tara not to hate herself, may have had the unintended effect of making Tara hate Sookie more.  And she’s in good company, in that regard .  . .

Everybody HATES(?) Sookie (especially that Demon Head thing)

Now, Lafayette, my Laffy Taffy.  Most of the time, you and I see eye-to-eye on things.

But even I have to say, you’ve been acting like a total Turd Ball to Sookie . . . blaming her for Tara’s vampirism, when the whole “turning” thing was 100% your idea first .  . .

What’s worse, from the mean, nasty thoughts everyone was thinking about the bustiest Stackhouse at Merlottes, your “Sookie Sucks” mentality just might be contagious.

And don’t get me started on that weird Demon Head Halloween mask you like to wear sometimes for sh*ts and giggles.  What the f*&k is up with that?

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Whatever it is, it screwed up the brakes on Sookie’s car, and almost left her brain flapping in the wind, Tara Thornton style . . .

. . . almost . . . but not quite.

Of course, not all “hated” characters will make it out of this episode alive . . .

OMG!  You killed that annoying vampire kid.  You RULE!  Bastard!

Let me start by saying that there are a lot of really great child actors in this world . . . like Sally Draper on Mad Men . . . and that kid from Modern Family, and pretty much every pre-pubescent on Game of Thrones.

That little vampire kid .  . . who I’m sure is a really nice guy in real life . . . just isn’t one of them.

I mean, sure, he looked the part . . . all cute, blonde, and well dressed.  In fact, if he never opened his mouth, he’d be an awesome vampire.  I’m certain of it.  Plus, I think, if I was forced to be ten-years old for all eternity, I’d probably be pretty loud and whiny about it too.

But there was just something about the way “Alexander” delivered his lines each week, that just made fans say, “Stake that b*tch.”

And so, when Christopher Meloni learned from Eric’s hot sister that there was a traitor among them . . . one with blonde hair, baby teeth, and a super screechy voice, that’s exactly what he did . . .

BRAVO!  Er . . . I mean . . . awwww . . . he was just a kid . . . that’s sad.

Meanwhile, in Terry’s boring storyline news . .  .

PTSD 2: Electric Boogaloo

Noel from Felicity and Terry go on a rather lame road trip, to find their former comrade, who once shot up some civilians, because they looked at him funny.

Long story short . . . they find him . . . He paints creepy pictures . . . and looks like he hasn’t taken a shower since Desert Storm.  Needless to say, unlike Noel from Felicity, whose hot, and looks like he could sell you insurance, Arlene probably wouldn’t be so quick to invite this guy home for a dinner with the “Fam.”

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In which Eric and Pam make us ugly cry . . .

Oh, Eric Northman!  It’s a good thing you’re so pretty.

Because like Lafayette, you also treaded dangerously close to Turd Ball territory, at the beginning of this episode.  Suffice it to say that accusing Vampire Pam, your own flesh and blood . . . literally . . . of betraying you and releasing Big Bad Russell Edgington onto an unsuspecting populace was most definitely not your finest hour.

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That said, you did earn some of that debonair Viking Vamp mojo back, when you made the ultimate personal sacrifice to save your progeny, even though that meant renouncing the most sacred bond between maker and made.

“How ya like me now?”

For those of you who did not get even the slightest bit teary, when Eric — who, once again, fears his rendezvous with Russell Edgington and the Authority might end up being fatal — told Pam she was destined for greatness, and that she had to live on without him to ensure the vitality of his bloodline .  . . well . . . you just might not be human.

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The only thing that would have made this scene better would be if Eric was naked during it.  But hey, we can’t get everything we want in this world, right?

Or can we?

In which both Alcide and Jess take one for Team Sookie, but only one of them gets rewarded for it . . .

Earlier on in this recap, I noted that almost everyone seemed to hate Sookie this week.  Of course, there were some notable exceptions to this rule.  The first exception was Vampire Jess who, upon hearing that Sookie wished to turn herself in to Sheriff Andy for killing Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

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 . . .  immediately took the law into her own hands.  Like the awesome gal pal she is, Jess followed Jason to Sheriff’s office, and defty compelled Sheriff Andy to forget that Debbie even existed.  Pretty awesome huh?

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Of course, Jessica’s compulsion tactics would not have been nearly as effective had Debbie’s grieving parents already called off the search.  And why did they do that you ask?  Because sweet ole lovelorn Alcide blamed the whole thing on already dead packmaster Marcus, which is kind of perfect, when you think about it . . .

Yeah . . . you go ahead and tell them you didn’t do it, Tough Guy!

Meanwhile, Sookie, who’s, all in all, had a pretty crappy day, what with being called the Angel of F*&king Death, and almost DYING when her car went all “Christine” on her, and randomly wrapped itself around a tree . . .

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 . . .  has decided to go and get herself good and wasted.  That’s my girl!

You know what, Fangbangers?  This might have been my favorite scene in the episode.  For starters, Sookie’s bar selection is all kinds of awesome.  Either girlfriend’s been filching for Merlotte’s, or she’s totally been holding out on us.

And what’s more, for all her whining and ugly cry facing, Sookie is actually kind of an awesome drunk!

She sings her own versions to cheesy songs like “The Pina Colada Song,” while humping the couch.

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She also entertains werewolfy guests, whose girlfriends she just murdered, by making them drinks called Orange Marzapan, and telling them, in no uncertain terms, how much they looooooove her.

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That’s right, Alcide.  You thought you were fooling the mind reader, with your gruff exterior, and unrequited secret were-lust.

But you were wrong!  So, now that you’ve been caught, it’s time to put your tongue where your mouth is, and eat that busty fairy’s face.  Nom-nom, nom . . .

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Oh, and hey, it looks like you have an audience!  Poor Beeeel . . . it looks like you aren’t going to be the Knight and Shining Vampire in this fairytale.  And now that your ex has moved on to furrier pastures, if you want to force her to help you find Russell, you’re probably going to have to use more than your “charm” to do it.  Might I suggest dipping into your daughter’s Mary Jane stash?

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Oh, and Eric, you may act like this doesn’t bother you at all.

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But you aren’t fooling anyone . .  And as many times as you say “F*&k Sookie,” we all know that deep down that’s exactly what you’d like to do . . . again.

Speaking of folks, who are f*&ked . . .

Barak and Hillary – Shapeshifter Edition

Apparently, it’s a bad day to be a shapeshifter, who vaguely resembles a highly regarded political figure.  Just ask these two pals of Sam’s who “shifted” into corpses, and will never “turn” again.  The question is . . . who killed them?  I smell another mystery!  Because lord knows, that’s just what this season needs, ANOTHER mystery for Sookie to solve . . .

Speaking of mysteries . . .

Moulin Rouge- Fairy Edition

Why does the Super Secret Fairy Club that the mayor dude took Andy and Jason to visit look like a set from the straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge?

And why did that weird random fairy have glow-sex with Andy in the woods last season?  Unfortunately, we have little time to contemplate the answers to the questions, because our two favorite buddy cops stay at Hooligans Fairy Dance club is disappointingly short.

Not long after Jason reunites with his cousin Hadley, who we last saw playing beer-bitch to the ill fated Queen Sophie Anne, he and Andy get their ass glow fingered (that sounds dirty) right out of the club!  And all because Jason started asking too many questions about Sookie’s fairy roots, and what really happened to his parents.

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Is Sookie really in danger, due to her vampire intoxicating fairy blood?  (Isn’t Sookie always in danger?)  Could vampires really have murdered the Stackhouses, back in the day?  Can a human male get pregnant from glow sex with a fairy?

Unfortunately, these are all questions for another day, and another episode.  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Maker’s Mark – A Recap of “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”

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I watch True Blood for the . . . um . . . plot . . . seriously.

Hola, Fangbangers!  This week on True Blood was all about “The Makers.”  We got to learn a bit more about who our characters “came from” (both literally and figuratively), and how those origins helped shape them into the people they are today.

Man, would I like to be the one who MADE that . . .

Did I mention this episode also involved a whole lotta sex and tight black leather?

Let’s review, shall we?

In which we learn why vampires should never work for AAA . . .

We open our episode with Super Cranky Vampire Tara, who, like any good samaritan, has just stopped on the side of the road, to help a neighbor fix a flat tire.  And by “help a neighbor fix a flat tire,” I actually mean “eat a neighbor, who has a flat tire.”

But then Tara suffers a little crisis of conscience, and decides to hold off on her yummy female meal.

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“Hey, does this mean you aren’t going to help me with my car?”

 Instead, she heads off to visit her good pal and former f*&k buddy Sam.   So, she can drink him out of house and True Blood, and take a nap in Merlotte’s meat locker at day break.  Talk about a rude house guest!

But hey, at least she didn’t eat her host.  So, I guess that’s a start .  . .

Speaking of hosts . . .

In which the New Nan Flanagan is about 85,000 times better than the Old One . . .

It looks like the authority has itself a NEW Nan Flanagan.  And HE is AWESOME!

Here’s hoping that at least a few of Steve’s Vampire Spokesperson “Russell Edgington is dead, except not really” TV interviews involve DANCING . . .

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

In which Pam gets fingered by Sookie . . .

Sookie wants Pam to find her MIA new progeny Tara, and teach her the ways of the Vampire World.

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Pam would rather pluck her eyes out with tweezers or eat shoes than spend any more time with Tara, than the time she already spent huddled next to her in a grave wearing a Walmart sweat outfit.

Can you blame her?

Pam basically tells Sookie to take her new vampire pal and shove her up her ass.  Sookie doesn’t like that too much, so she gives Pam a little fairy finger action.

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Sucks for Pam . . .

In which Eric and Bill have some S&M fun with Mac from Veronica Mars . . .

After much debate (and a little whining from that twerpy vampire kid), Rowan and his “Authoritayyyy” have decided to give Eric and Beeel another chance at life, provided they exterminate the Big Bad Russell E.

Somehow, this “other chance at life” involves them wearing leather diapers, courtesy of the chick who played Mac on Veronica Mars.

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Apparently, said diapers are wired to kill Eric and Bill, if they misbehave or something.

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(Personally, I just think it was Alan Ball’s excuse to get the two actors to fulfill some S&M fantasy of his . . .)

Hey, no complaints here . . .

In which EVERYBODY screws Salome . . .

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Who says True Blood never teaches you anything?  This week on True Blood we learned the real story behind the biblical figure Salome, best known for doing a slutty dance, and asking for some guy’s head on a platter.

Now, apparently, she’s a vampire who gets to have sex with Alex Skarsgard, Christopher Meloni, and Stephen Moyer in the course of a single episode.

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Not bad for a days work, right?

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Speaking of sexually active vampires . . .

In which Vampire Jess reenacts those annoying AXE body spray commercials . . .

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Vampire Jess is out dress shopping, when she comes upon a mysterious man with blood that smells “awesome.”

Without passing Go, or paying for her store merchandise, a totally turned on Jess chases Mr. Goodblood (who is most likely none other than Everyone’s Favorite Fairy Claude) across the forest.  Unfortunately, for her, he gets away before she can ravage him with her nose and teeth.  (Dude MUST be gay!)

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“I am . . . at least, in the books.” 

So, a still sexed up Jess, heads in search of the Next Best Thing . . .

Jason F*&KING STACKHOUSE . . .

In which Jason has sex with a cat lady, but not Jessica . . .

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Ladies love Jason Stackhouse . . . Cats . . . not so much.

Poor Jason!  Who knew the real reason he became such a man whore was that some lonely cat lady teacher seduced him, back during his pre-pubescent years?

(Not that we can really blame her.)

Jason runs into the very woman who supposedly “taught him everything he knows about sex” (And for that I say, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADY!”) at the grocery store.

They quickly head back to her place for a little “high school reunion.”

But then Jason decides that meaningless sex is bad.

BOO!

So, when Horny Jess pops by to see him, he denies her the goods.  But because Jess is a pal, she decides to stick around anyway, just for the “company and conversation.”  Riiiiiight . . . because that’s gonna last.

In other Stackhouse news . . .

In which everybody is pissed at Sookie . . .

So remember back to last season, when everyone just looooved Sookie, and her fairy vajayjay.

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My have times changed!  Now Tara’s pissed at her for turning her vamp.  And Sam and Arlene second that emotion.

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 Also, Pam’s pissed at Sookie for that whole Fairy Finger Thing.  Lafayette’s so pissed at Sookie, his demon other half almost bleaches the gumbo.  And Alcide’s pissed at Sookie when he finds out she killed his wacked out Trailer Trash Ex and lied about for weeks . . .

Better learn how to play Solitaire, Sookie, because it doesn’t look like you are going to be sitting at the Popular Table, anymore . . .

And now for the absolute best part of the episode . . .

In which we learn how Pam was made . . .

In a continuation of last week’s Bordello of Blood flashback, we learn that the gentlemanly Vampire Eric rescued Madam Pam and her Happy Whores from TWO EVIL VAMPIRES, who were literally sucking the establishment dry.

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 I bet you can’t guess who they were?

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That’s right, it’s BEEEL and Bad Mommy Lorena.

It looks like someone’s Maker hasn’t taught her progeny much in the way of manners.  Pam, of course, is extremely grateful for Eric’s heroic efforts, and responds in kind.

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But even GOOD SEX comes with a price . . .

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 . . .  and Pam has set hers in stone.  She wants to be a vampire, and walk the world with Eric for all Eternity. (Wouldn’t you?)

Pam explains how getting old in her industry is a fate worse than death.  Eric sympathizes, but isn’t quite ready for the commitment, or the responsibility of being someone’s Maker.  It’s a title he takes VERY seriously.

So, Pam decides to take matters into her own hands . . . literally.

And the rest is vampire history . . .

Now, it’s Pam’s turn to play Maker.  Will she rise to the occasion like a certain Viking Vamp?

In which Tara is a “stupid b*tch”

The episode ends with Cranky Vampire Tara heading to, where else, but a Tanning Salon, in hopes of fake baking herself to death.

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How very Jersey Shore of her.

Of course, Maker Pam might have something to say about that . . .

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Until next time, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“I LOVE YOUUUUU!” – A Recap of True Blood’s “Turn, Turn, Turn”

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Love.  There are so many ways to show you care.  Some people show they love you by cooking you a nice meal, or holding you, after you’ve had a rough day.

Others show they love you, by screwing you senseless, or taping mouth shut with duct tape, or crawling into a grave with you, while wearing a really ugly yellow Walmart sweat outfit.

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And then there are those who show they love you by eating your carcass, after you die.

It’s all kind of romantic, when you really think about it.

Yes, Fangbangers.  This week’s season five premiere of True Blood was just filled with the “L” word . . . and also a whole lot of blood, guts, and misplaced bodyparts.  Just how we like it.  Let’s review, shall we?

The Super Snatch of Sookie Stackhouse

We begin our story, literally seconds from where Season 4 ended.  Half of Tara’s brain is oozing out on the floor, as is one of Trailer Trash Debbie’s teeth, as well as other assorted bits of Trailer Trash Debbie.

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 In other words,  it’s a Body Part Smorgasboard . . . any vampire’s dream.

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Speaking of vampires, one has just made a house call.  It’s Pam, fresh off her rejection by her Maker, Eric.  (There are still bloody tears in her eyes.)

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Sookie’s ready to tell her to skedaddle. (After all, she has some deep kitchen cleaning to do . . . again.).  But Lafayette has other plans.  “Turn her!”  Lafayette demands, referring to the brainless wonder lying on the floor beneath him.

“But everybody hates Tara HATES vampires,” says Sookie and . . . well . . . everyone watching at home.

Nevertheless, if Lafayette has to choose between having a self-loathing vampire for a cousin, and worm food for a cousin, he’s going to choose the former.  And Sookie, who LOOOOOOOVES vampires, doesn’t take much convincing to follow suit.  “I’ll owe you one,” Sookie offers brightly.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you feel about Tara), Vampire Pam is desperate enough to get back into her Maker’s good graces to play Let’s Make a Deal.  The sassy vampire gets Sookie to promise to use her magical vaginal powers to smooth things over between Pam and Eric, as well as to perform for Pam an additional, as of yet, unmentioned favor at some unspecified time in the future.

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Sookie seems skeptical at first, but ultimately agrees . . . you know because “TARRRRRRAAAAA” is the most important person in her life right now . . . after “BEEEEEEEEEEEL,” and “ERRRRRRIIIIC” and “JASOOOOOOOON.”

Next thing you know, Vampire Pam is squatting in the dirt next to the highly odorous, Brain-Flaps-A Lot-Dead Tara.  I should note that the former is dressed in the ugliest sweatshirt I have ever seen in my entire life.  (I’m sincerely hoping that belonged to Grams, not Sookie.  But given some of the outfits we’ve seen Sookie wear these past few years, you can never be too sure.)

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Sookie thinks Vampire Pam and Head-Like-a-Half-Chewed-Chocolate-Chip-Cookie Tara should spoon in the grave, to instill maker-progeny bonding or something.  But Vampire Pam isn’t having it.  Wearing an ugly grandma sweatshirt, and becoming eternal mom to her mortal enemy is more than enough sacrifice for one day, as far as Pam is concerned.

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Shrugging it off, Sookie and Lafayette, take turns burying the pair.  Then, they return to Sookie’s house to wait . . .

In other Stackhouse news . . .

Almost Everybody Loves Jason Stackhouse . . . (even Steve F*&king Newlin)

It’s starting to seem like, on this show, the more you hate vampires, the more likely it is that you will eventually become one.  Such was the fate of former cult leader Steve Newlin, who, at the end of last season, found himself on Jason Stackhouse’s doorstep with a pair of pointy incisors, and an outfit that makes him look like he should be playing the uptight rich villain in an 80’s teen movie.

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At first, Vampire Newlin plays the vulnerability card, in order to gain access to the house of his follower turned nemesis.  He claims he has no where else to go, having already been shunned by both his minions, and vampires themselves due to his present condition, and past acts, respectively.  But Jason thinks Steve’s fangs look like big ole white hard-ons (a notion which ends up being rather prophetic), so he doesn’t trust them.  Steve, then, is forced to use a little of that good ole’ glamour power, in order to gain his invitation.

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As it turns out, Steve has a little confession to make.  And he doesn’t want Jason to interrupt him, until he’s said his piece.  So, of course, Steve does what any rational person would do in this situation, he tapes the mouth of his sole audience member — who just so happens to be conveniently shirtless — shut with duct tape.  It’s all very kinky, and 50 Shades of Grey-esque.

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And since it also happens to be my favorite scene in the entire episode, I’ll let you watch, and see for yourself . . .

Steve Newlin  . . . a religious nutbar / cult-leading, arms enthusiast, hate monger turned gay vampire American . . .

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 . . .  who’s head over heels in love with none other than THE Jason Stackhouse.  The reveal was probably the most shocking twist of True Blood’s season 5 premiere.

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 It was certainly one of the more aggressive departures from the book series we’ve seen so far.  And yet, as far as plot points go, this one actually seems to make a surprising amount of sense.  It definitely explains a lot of the weirdness between Steve and Jason during Season 2.

“You should really touch my gun.  It’s SOOO BIG!” 

And all that “murderous rage and whatnot,” it had to come from somewhere right?  Besides, it’s not exactly like falling in love with Jason Stackhouse is the most difficult thing in the world to do.

Considering he had just had his mouth taped shut, by the man who multiple times tried to kill him, Jason handled the profession of adoration quite well.  He even complimented Steve on his kind words.  But when it came right down to it, Jason’s dog just doesn’t bark that way . .

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And Steve F*&king Newlin doesn’t take too kindly to rejection.

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But don’t you worry Jason fans!  Little Red Riding Hood is about to tell that Big Gay Wolf where he can shove his big hard-on fangs.  Poor Steve.  Rejection is hard enough when you aren’t forced to fly backwards through someone’s front door, like a twig caught in the path of a leaf blower, because your home invitation was just rescinded.  Bad for Steve.  But very good for Jason and Jessica . . .

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Not everyone’s a Jason fan though.  He gets some serious cold shoulders from Hoyt and his former highway working crewmates over at Merlotte’s.

They call him G*rlfr*end F*&ker, which I guess is supposed to be insulting, but to me seems kind of like a compliment.  I mean, isn’t that what you’re SUPPOSED to do with your girlfriend.  Yeah, yeah . . . I know, Jason betrayed Hoyt by getting with Jess, and yadda, yadda, yadda.  But Bon Temps is just such a small town!  It’s probably really hard to hook up with someone who isn’t the ex girlfriend of SOMEONE you know . . . especially if you look like Jason Stackhouse . . .

Meanwhile, Jess is enjoying the perks of being temporary Queen of Louisianna, while Papa Bill is “otherwise engaged.”  And like any good Queen, Jess knows how to treat her subjects well . . . by throwing them a frat party, and laying down some fly tunes.

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Jason unintentionally crashes the party, thinking he’s in for another quickie, when Jess lays the “let’s just be friends with benefits speech on him.”  But don’t worry about Jason, looking like he does, he’s a welcome addition to any sorority girl’s daydreams, provided he slip out of that nerdy cop uniform, and into something “more comfortable.”

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For a moment there, it seems like Jason might hook up with a college coed just to make Jess jealous.  But in the end, he does the gentlemanly thing, and simply drives the lovestruck girl home.

Good lord!  Since when did Jason Stackouse, Resident Man Whore of Bon Temps become the Messiah of Boyfriends?

“Hey, I thought I was the Messiah of Boyfriends.” 

Speaking of loyal boyfriends . . .

Tastes Like Marcus

Sam gets accosted by some of deceased Werewolf Pack Leader Marcus’ followers, because they think the shapeshifter killed him.  So, Sam turns into a bird and flies away, rather than rat out Marcus’ real killer, Alcide.  Hey you know what I noticed about Sam?  Except for that cute dog from season 1, he always shift into rather lame creatures, like ugly birds, or flies, and such.  Not very manly.  He’s also probably naked more than any other character on this show.

Anywhoo, Sam eventually turns himself in to the nudist colony of werewolves, provided they promise not to harm his lover Luna and her kid.  Besides, all they really want to know is where Marcus was buried . . . you know, so his mom could like, eat him and stuff . . .

Eventually though, Alcide does the right thing by admitting to killing the Leader of the Pack.  As a result, he gets a pack of his own . . . I’d like to call them the “Non-Carcass Eaters.”

“I rule with an iron fist and washboard abs.”

In other Alcide news, he pops by Sookie’s house to give her some home decorating tips . . .

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 . . .  and to invite her to be his roommate, so that he can have hardcore doggy sex with her protect her from Russell Edgington, who’s not-so-much dead, by the way.  Sookie declines, figuring that the whole “I just shot your ex-girlfriend in my kitchen, and you almost tripped over her tooth on the way in here” would make for awkward dinner table conversation.

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Speaking of dead bodies, apparently, someone stole Jesus . . .weird.

Burn it Down

Meanwhile, in what was clearly the least interesting storyline of the evening . . .

. . .  Noel from Felicity is making Terry VERRRRY ANGRY, probably because he keeps yammering on about “The War.”  No one talks to Terry about “The War” and gets away with it.  Also, apparently, someone’s been going around burning down the homes of all of Terry’s former comrades.  So, maybe that freaky lady ghost with the big pop out eyes didn’t burn down Terry’s house after all.  (I’m still trying to decide whether or not I care.)

Speaking of the Bellefleur’s Policeman Andy has a surprisingly nice ass, and a good set of abs, as we learn when we find him post-coitus in waitress Holly’s bed.  Who knew?

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 The two new lovebirds may have ended up in the bed, but they started on the couch, where Holly’s son typically slumbers.

Yikes.  It looks like someone’s going to need to invest in a sleeping bag, STAT.

But enough about those pesky humans.  We watch this show for the vampires, right?

Sibling Revelry

When we last left Vampire Eric and BEEEEL, they had just killed Tight Pants Nan of the Vampire AUTHORITAAYYYY.  In short, they are now in deep doo-doo.  While Lazy Beeel makes a few casual phone calls, Vampire Eric rolls up his sleeves, and starts cleaning Nan bits off the floor, like it’s his job.

I have to admit, watching him clean was a bit of a turn  on.  Then again, watching Vampire Eric do anything would probably be a turn on to me, even if it was something like picking his nose, or scratching his bum.

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Beeel notes that he has this FEELING that Sookie is in danger.  But Eric is unmoved.  “F*&K Sookie,” he says resolutely, which coincidentally, both of these vampires have done numerous times.

Unfortunately, Beel and Eric have little time to reminisce about all those screws in the dirt, shower boinks, and snowball hallucination sex they each had with the blonde waitress, because the AUTHORITAY has come to bring their asses to justice . . .

Riding trapped in the trunk of a car, with their faces so close they could kiss, new bromantic buddies Bill and Eric plot their escape, while their captors rock out to late 70’s era elevator music.  Ultimately, they opt to use an umbrella to access the car’s gas tank.  They then proceed to blow that sh*t up.  Ahh, the many benefits of being immortal, and having unlimited healing powers.  Lying on the ground, face burned to a crisp,  Bill twitches awkwardly, as Eric lifts him to safety.  “I won’t leave you,” whispers Eric in his former nemesis’ ear.

“I just can’t quit you.” 

How very Brokeback Mountain of the two men who, on more than one occasion almost killed one another over the Super Snatch of Sookie.

Their captor up too, and he’s raring for a fight, that is until his female companion shreds the bastard.

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 Turns out this is none other than Eric Northman’s “sister” . . . at least, in that they share the same maker.  So, they are blood related, but not “blood” related, if you catch my drift.  I’m only telling you this, because they end up screwing in some storage container moments later . . .

The Lannisters approve. 

 . . .  as poor Beeel, waits outside, listening, and suffering from a serious case of these . . .

And I have to say, it’s kind of hot . . . or at least as hot as two ridiculously attractive people engaging in sort of/kind of incest can be.  Then, Eric’s cell phone goes off, and the two start bickering.  “We fight like siblings, but we f*&k like champions,” Eric tells Bill conversationally.

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Of course, you do, Eric .  . . of course you do.

Later that night, Sister Nora leads Eric and Bill to a boat driven by someone who I guess is the equivalent of the vampire witness protection program.  You see, even though it looks like Nora has just betrayed her position in the AUTHORITAY, by helping Eric and Beel escape, it seems like there may be a bit of schism among the vampire politicos.  I smell a revolution!

Speaking of revolution, Eric and Bill never quite make it on to that boat, before they are ambushed, by a bunch of gun toting AUTHORITAY members. RUH-ROH!

Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps . .  .

Wakey, Wakey!

It’s time to dig up Tara and Pam.  The latter pops out looking bored, as usual, and more than a bit eager to change out of that ridiculous outfit.   But Tara seems a bit . . . unresponsive.  This of course, is not exactly surprising considering that Pam had suggested that the latters little “brain-flap” issue, might leave her at best a f*&ktarded vampire, and a worst, just a stinky corpse.  Sookie cries.  Lafayette cries.  Pam rolls her eyes.

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And then .  . . Tara RISES . . . and tries to EAT SOOKIE’S FACE . . . or maybe it’s her all powerful Fairy Super Snatch.  The screen fades to black, so it’s too early to tell . . .

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In the weeks to come on True Blood, Eric, BEEL and Hoyt (?) don leathery S&M gear, Tara tries to EAT EVERYONE, Sookie screams a lot, Steve Newlin and Jess square off once again for Jason’s affections, and that dude from Law and Order quotes scripture, while wearing a really snazzy suit.  And you can check out all of it, here . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

True Blood Has Cast Its Claude: Did they make the right choice? (Contains some spoilers)

Inquiring vamps want to know . . .

 After months of radio silence, the producers of HBO’s supernatural ratings darling, True Blood, have FINALLY begun to pony up some details about the show’s upcoming fourth season.  If prior seasons are any indication, True Blood‘s Season 4 will likely premiere during the Summer of 2011.  It should also be at least somewhat based on the fourth book in Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse fantasy novel series, Dead to the World.

As both a die hard True Blood fan, and an avid reader of the aforementioned book series, on which the show is based, I am always curious as to which actors will end up playing the characters I have read about, and obsessed over, for the past three years.  One of the characters in whose casting I’ve had the most interest was Sookie’s fairy cousin, Claude.  Claude just so happens to be the twin brother of the elegant fairy, Claudine, who we met toward the end of True Blood‘s third Season .  . .

Lara Pulver as Claudine.

In the books, Claude is described as being six-feet tall, with wavy black hair and a flawless physique.  With his chiseled jaw, soft brown eyes, and sensuous pouty lips, Claude’s looks literally take women’s breath away.  Unfortunately, for those women, he is also VERY gay!  In the human world, Claude started off working as a stripper, but eventually transitioned into the dual careers of modeling and night club ownership. 

 In terms of  his personality, Claude is kind of an ass.  He’s rude, arrogant, shallow, super snarky, and massively self-absorbed.  And yet, Claude displays a soft spot for his sister, over whom he is extremely protective.  Later in the series, he develops a friendship with Sookie, and allows her a rare glimpse into his softer, more vulnerable, side.

Recently, the producers of True Blood have announced that the character of Claude will most definitely appear, during the show’s fourth season.  The role will be played by actor, Neil Hopkins.

Lost fans will likely remember Neil from his portrayal of Charlie Pace’s drug-addicted older brother, and fellow Drive Shaft band mate, Liam.

While certainly not a bad choice, by any means (Hopkins did an excellent job playing Liam on Lost, after all), I found the producers’ decision to cast Hopkins as Claude surprising, and a bit off-putting, for a number of reasons:

(1) Age:  Now, fairies are basically immortal.  So, age shouldn’t really make a difference.  Admittedly, however, Hopkins looks a bit older than the baby-faced Claude, who’s features stopped maturing at around age 20, in his book incarnation.  Then again, True Blood has been known to “age-up” its cast from the book to the small screen, particularly when it comes to its supernatural characters.

The 41-year old Stephen Moyer plays Vampire Bill Compton, who supposedly “died” around his 30th birthday.

34-year old Alexander Skarsgard’s Viking Vampire, Eric Northman, was purportedly turned into a bloodsucker by his maker, Godric, when the former was around 21-years old.

44-year old Kristen Bauer’s Vampire Pam joined the world of the undead, during the Victorian Era, when she was just 19.

Perhaps, an older-looking Claude was cast, so that he would be more believeable, as a twin for the mature-looking actress who is currently playing Claudine (see above).  Yet, part of me was definitely looking forward to True Blood roping  more “young blood” (or, at least, more young-looking blood) into its cast dynamic.

(2) Hair Care, Eye Color, Skin Tone:  While it’s nothing a trip to the hair-stylist, some colored contacts, and a little makeup can’t fix, I always pictured Claude as having jet black hair, ivory skin, and dark eyes, since that was how he was described in the book.  This image contrasts starkly with the light brown-haired, blue eyed, and tan complected Hopkins.

(3) Personal Appearance: Claude, as he was described in the books, is an impeccably groomed, assiduously shaved (assuming fairies even HAVE body hair, which they probably don’t), metrosexually dressed, and slightly effeminate male.  Hopkins, at least in the roles he has inhabited thus far, strikes me more as an overtly-masculine, rough-around-the edges, low-maintenance hombre, with a perpetual five-o’clock shadow.

(4) This is how I’m hot: While Pretty Boy Claude is drop dead gorgeous, in an almost feminine “he’s so beautiful it physically hurts to look at him” way, Hopkins strikes me as more of the “ruggedly handsome” type.

And finally . . .

(5) Drive Shaft, Drive Shaft, Drive SHAFT!  I’m actually really worried that, every time Claude appears on screen, I will instinctively begin belting out the words to “You all, Everybody!” 

(Those of you who were Lost fans probably know what I’m talking about here.  Those who weren’t . . . well . . . watch THIS . . .)

Then again, it’s possible that the reason I’m being so VERY nitpicky about the producers’ casting choice for Claude, is that NONE of MY top three choices for the role made the cut.  If you know me well enough, you can probably guess who those three choices were.  But I’m going to tell you them, anyway . . .

Now, let’s see . . . a tall, dark-haired, insanely attractive, smooth-faced male, who looks like he’s in his 20’s, is capable of playing a homosexual, and can exhibit a snarky, rude, and mean-spirited, persona, while still being inherently loveable.  Who on Earth could fill that tall order?  Oh .  . . I know . . . THIS GUY!

Of course, I’m talking about Ian Somerhalder!  Based on their respective physical and personality descriptions, it seems entirely possible that Claude and Damon Salvatore were separated at birth. 

 And those of you out there who doubt that a “ladies man” like Ian can play a convincing homosexual, need only watch the below clip from the 2002 film, Rules of Attraction, to be proven wrong .  . .

Sure, Ian’s a bit busy now, what with his STARRING role in The Vampire Diaries, and all.  But, considering that True Blood airs during the summer time, during his signature show’s hiatus, I’m sure the producers of both shows can work something out!  Then again, I love Ian so much, I’d probably cast him in the role of Sookie’s GRANDMA, if I thought he had a shot at getting the part . . .

R.I.P. Adele Stackhouse

So, Ian would probably be my first choice to play Claude.  However, if he was busy, my second choice would do a great job in the role as well . . .

Like Ian, Ed Westwick fits Charlaine Harris’ physical description of Claude to a tee!  Dark haired, dark eyed, with a sculpted physique, and the smooth baby-face of a guy in his early 20’s (Westwick is 23.), Ed effortlessly embodies the look of this magical character.  As Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl, Ed has also proven himself very capable of pulling off Claude’s unique and multi-faceted personality. 

Like Claude, Chuck can be rude, snide, arrogant, spoiled, and ever-so-slightly effeminate, but he can also be fiercely loyal, clever, and inherently likeable.  It also doesn’t hurt that Westwick is British, especially considering that all the “fairies” we’ve seen on True Blood so far, seem to possess a British accent.  (I’m not really sure what being British has to do with being a fairy.  But, apparently, the two are related in True Blood world).

My third and final Dream-Pick-that-Just-Wasn’t-Meant-to-Be for the role of Claude is Jason Dohring . . .

A few years back, Jason melted girls hearts the world over, as spoiled rich kid / brooding bad boy / hopeless romantic Logan Echolls, in the television series, Veronica Mars.  Logan had this special way of always being two things at once.  He was both snide and sweet; mean-spirited and kind-hearted, good-humored and ill-tempered, arrogant and insecure, popular and lonely, a lover and a fighter, a romantic and a cynic.  But above all, he was a guy fans loved, desired, and rooted for, no matter what jerky or douchebaggy thing he happened to be doing at the time.  If Claude was straight, and human, I suspect he’d be a lot like Logan Echolls . . .

But Claude is not just a loveable scoundrel, he’s also sophisticated and an impeccable dresser.  Can Jason pull that off?  YES HE CAN!

After the unfortunate, WAY BEFORE ITS TIME, cancellation of Veronica Mars, Jason Dohring landed the role of wealthy vampire Josef Konstantin in the short-lived CBS drama, Moonlight.  There, Jason showed himself to have a knack for fashion, as well as a penchant for silk and leather, two fabrics of which Clothes Horse Claude would DEFINITELY approve!

But, as I’ve mentioned, the casting directors at True Blood have already chosen their Claude, and it’s neither Ian Somerhalder, nor Ed Westwick, nor Jason Dohring.  It’s Neil Hopkins.  Therefore, I guess us fans just have to trust that they made the right decision.  

So, in THAT spirit (and to show there are no hard feelings), I’ve decided to end this post with a highlight reel from Neil’s portrayal of Liam Pace on Lost.  And I have to say, it’s pretty darn impressive . . .

Well, at least that’s my take on it.  Now, I turn the discussion over to you, fellow Fang Bangers.  Do you think Neil Hopkins will make a good Fairy Claude?  If not, who would you have chosen to inhabit the role?

[www.juliekushner.com]

What Lies Beneath – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Finale “Evil is Going On”

Tonight’s Season Finale dealt mainly with the types of things that are hidden beneath the surface.  They can be “hidden” in the literal sense,

Oh hi, Russell!  I didn’t see you there!

 . . . the geographic sense,

Welcome to Hicksville, U.S.A.

 . . . or the internal sense.

Inner Fairy

Inner Dick

However, perhaps, the most pernicious things hidden beneath the surface are secrets.  And it was those secrets that truly drove tonight’s episode.

Another F&cked Up Fairytale . . .

“Beam me up, Fairy!”

The episode opens with yet another one of those trippy fairy dream sequences that have become so prevalent, during the latter half of this season.  Sookie is frolicking in the forest, when she comes across what appears to be a giant chandelier, descending from the sky.

Don’t buy it, Sookie!  The monthly electric bill alone would kill you.

Sookie looks in awe at the beautiful alien chandelier for a few moments, before closing her eyes.  Then, unfortunately, the beautiful image is replaced by a much less attractive one . . .

No, this picture is not inverted.  That is actually how Bill’s head looked in the screencap.

Sookie is not at all happy to be woken up from Fairly Land, and she lets Bill know it.  “You f*ckin betrayed me again,” she growls at Bill.  (Damn straight, Sista!)

“I wuz jes trah-ing to pro-tect yuuu, AGIN!”  Bill replies.

They spar a bit longer.   However, when Sookie learns from Pam that the future love of her life (Eric) is outside getting one hell of a sun tan, she leaves Bill’s mopey butt, and dashes out of Fangtasia, to save her man.

What’s with Sookie doing so much running in this episode?  Can’t fairies fly?

They have wings, don’t they?

Sookie finds Eric, whose massive sunburn makes him look a bit like a teenager with a really bad case of acne.  In fact, it was probably the first time in Alexander Skarsgard’s life that he didn’t look the least bit sexy.

Don’t worry, Eric!  A few dabs of Proactive will clear that right up!

While Sookie pouts, and tries to figure out how to move the six plus feet of pure sex that is Eric’s bod, Russell taunts her mercilessly about not using her Fairy Glow Fingers to save him.  Though not AT ALL in a position to threaten, Ballsy Russell tells Sookie that he will kill everyone she loves, if she doesn’t use her magic.

I use this picture of Russell, because it’s the only I could find to show him burning.  But this screencap MASSIVELY overestimates his appearance.  Here is a more accurate represenation . . .

While all this is going on a delirious Eric is talking to the apparation of his daddy . . .

. . . who has taken time out of his busy Angeling Schedule to lecture Eric about being good, kind, and forgiving, and blah, blah, blah . . . I almost fell asleep typing that.

Papa Killjoy

Finally, Sookie figures out how to be a fairy!

She uses her Glow Fingers to toss Russell against a fence, and break the silver chains encircling Eric.  She then drags him inside.  As Eric is in desperate need of blood, Sookie has Bill bite her arm to release some.  She  instructs Bill to keep watch on Eric to make sure he doesn’t accidentally drain the life out of her, like Bill did a few episodes ago.  Ever, the gentleman, Eric maintains his control, taking just enough blood from Sookie’s arm to clear up the acne on his face.  The feeding scene is sweet, and VERY sexy.  MOMMY LIKE!

Yes, boys and girls, arm sucking is the Gateway to Sex!

Once Eric is back to his gorgeous self . . .

 . . . he informs the group that he has to go save Russell, because Ghost Dad told him to do so.  Pam, is not cool with that AT ALL.  “He killed your family.  Rip off his f*cking head,” she says. 

I love Pam.

The only LIVING being in the bunch, Sookie, reluctantly runs outside AGAIN, to grab Russell . . .

 . . . and bring him back inside Fangtasia.

But, alas, just when the party is really getting started, the vampires realizes that they must “go to ground.”  Eric asks Sookie to watch Russell, since she is the only human-ish person he can’t glamour.  Sookie does not care for this idea one bit.  “I’m not babysitting this f*cker, while you all take a nap!”  She whines.  (Have you ever noticed that they say f*ck a lot on this show?)

Bill offers to stay with her while she watches the Russell Steak thaw, but she denies his ass.

Adventures in Babysitting

In a fun, but slightly disturbing scene, Russell attempts to bargain with Sookie for his release, while she boredly reads the latest issue of US Weekly.  Interestingly enough, she requests: $7 million, Russell’s home in Mississippi, and  . . . the DEATHS of Bill and Eric.

But then she changes the subject, turning her attention to Russell’s prized container of Talbot Soup. . .

I taste delicious when sprinkled with some oyster crackers.

Sookie inquires why Russell has been carrying Talbot Soup around so long.  He admits that he hopes that Sookie’s fairy blood will help to restore Talbot from the viscous liquid he is now, to the adorable, fashion advice-giving stallion he was a few episodes back.  So, Sookie, laughing maniacally the whole time, POURS TALBOT DOWN THE SINK!

“Ick!  When’s the last time Eric had his pipes cleaned?  This place is rank!”

And that was when any hope I had of an Eric / Talbot Revenge Sex Reunion literally went right down the drain . . .

Sam’s Grand Redemption Tour

If you recall, during the last episode, a drunk and belligerent Sam made a buttload of enemies, by more or less insulting all of Bon Temps.  Then he screwed Tara . . .

Apparently, there is nothing like a good roll in the hay with someone just as f*cked up as you are, to help you see the world in a new light.  The following morning, Sam is all happy, perky, and well-adjusted.  He’s making his hot cakes, with bacon grease.  Because, “it’s all about the bacon grease.”

See, personally, I think hot cakes are all about the syrup . . . but that’s just me.

In fact, Sam is in such a good mood, he decides to give Tara a pep talk about starting a new life, and banishing the demons of her past.  (Because those who CAN do, and those who CAN’T teach . . .)  Sam also confesses to Tara that he is a shapeshifter, to which she responds “Shut the f*ck up!”

Coincidentally, “Shut the F*ck Up” just so happens to also be the title of Tara’s upcoming autobiography . . .

Once Sam is done rocking Tara’s world, he heads over to Terry’s house to apologize for calling him a headcase and firing him the night before.  When Sam finds Terry crying on the porch, he immediately thinks  its because of his own drunken rampage.

“You’re so vain.  You probably think this tantrum’s about you . . .”

As it turns out, Terry is crying tears of JOY!

Oddly enough, Terry seems to be the ONLY person living in Bon Temps who is GENUINELY HAPPY!  (Weird, I know.)  He shares with Sam his good news about his Devil Baby still being alive, and his future stepkids being OK.  But what pleased ME most was Terry’s positive report on Felix the Armadillo, who I have been worried about terribly, since he was mentioned once during Season 1 and then never again . . .

It lives!  Hooray!

Sam goes to visit Tommy next . . .

. . . but the little Doggie Dude is missing, and seems to have ransacked his living quarters.  At Merlotte’s, Sam learns that Tommy has also emptied out the ENTIRE safe of all cash.  So, Sam hunts down Tommy in the forest with his trusty gun.

 Talk about handling things the WRONG way!  It was so very obvious that Tommy took the money, because he had no other way of supporting himself, but dog fighting.  The kid can’t even READ for crying out loud!  All Sam had to do to get his money back, was rehire Tommy, and ask him to come back home.  But he didn’t.  He just threatened him . . . with a GUN!

So, when Tommy told Sam that the latter didn’t have the guts to shoot him, and walked away cash in hand, Sam called his bluff  . . . and shot him. 

Now, I know we are supposed to believe Sam KILLED his own brother over a bit of petty cash and some lame insults.  However, the scene didn’t fool me for a second.  I’m thinking Sam shot Tommy in the foot to incapacitate him.  This way, he could get back his money, and bring Tommy back home.  But, I’ve been wrong before . . .  (By the way, if both Sam and Tommy wanted to out run eachother, why didn’t each just shapeshift into a fast animal?)

Fang-intervention

“Is this thing on?”

Speaking of guns, up until this episode, Self-Righteous Witch Maxine Fortenberry was just about the last person I would have expected to purchase one.  That is, until the end of the episode, when she DID.  If you recall, last week, Maxine and Summer banded together to “save” Hoyt from the clutches of Vampire Jessica. 

Because Hoyt and Vampire Jessica are currently the cutest vampire / human couple on the PLANET . . .

 (remember, Sookie and Eric aren’t technically together . . . yet), we hope Maxine’s PLAN fails miserably.  So, far ait has.  Maxine’s Big Idea was to stage an “intervention” at Hoyt’s job . . .

Most Pathetic Attendance at an Intervention EVER!

Heading up the intervention is Hoyt’s high school guidance counselor, who has NO experience in psychological counseling whatsoever.  Hoyt, who, by the way, is looking INCREDIBLY sexy and buff, this episode . . .

 (maybe it all that vampire blood he ingested) . . . told the Intervention Crew in no uncertain terms that he loved Vampire Jessica, and anyone who didn’t approve of that, might as well get out of his life.  Mama Maxine tried to win him over with threats of disownment.  However, seeing as Hoyt is now financially independent, and has his own place, there was nothing Maxine could say to change his mind.  The fact that Maxine is such an odios poopyhead, certainly didn’t help matters .  . .Hoyt then gallantly told Summer that he wished her the best, and hope she met the perfect guy one day (a male porcelain doll, perhaps?), before stalking off. 

Later, in a very sweet scene, Hoyt surprises Jessica, by inviting her to live in a brand new apartment that he rented just for the two of them . . .

When Jess comments that she can’t live without him, Hoyt replies that she’ll never have to.  (Ummmm, yeah, except she’s IMMORTAL and your NOT, so . . .)  Logistics of vampire / human relationships aside, the way that statement was made, while the camera lingered on a strange item on Hoyt’s new living room floor, and the way the scene immediately shifted to Maxine and her “target practice” made me worry about Hoyt’s fate in a way that I haven’t before . . . particularly, since, another fairly major character from the books, unceremoniously bit the dust this week.

“My name is Jason”

Jason Stackhouse: Guardian and Protector of all things trailer trashy

After seeing the DEA piling into to squad cars, right outside the police precinct . . .

 . . . and speaking with Andy, who inadvertently revealed that there would be a raid on the trailers at Hotshot that day, Jason jumps into action.

He and Crystal head to Hotshot, to warn the all the inbreds to hide their meth and V stashes . . .

. . . though initially skeptical, the “Hotshots” eventually agree to hide their stash.  But then, a hopped-up-on-V, Crazy Felton leaps into the scene, inexplicably shooting Calvin Norris dead.  He then threatens to kill everyone, if Crystal doesn’t go with him, and leave town with the massive V stash.  Jason pulls out the classic, “You’ll have to kill me first,” line, but Crystal has other plans . . . 

I’ve gotta say, sex with Crystal must be FABULOUS.  

How else could she possibly get Jason to agree to become King of the Trailer Park?  Because that pretty much looks like the WORST JOB EVER.    Nevertheless, the position does have ONE job perk that Jason might enjoy.  This will probably be the only workplace on the planet where Jason Stackhouse is the SMARTEST GUY IN THE ROOM  . . .

In Other News . . .

Before I get back to Sookie, and the Main Event, lets get some of the less important (and less interesting) storylines out of the way, shall we. 

“Just keep smoking up, Tara.  Because if ANYONE needs to loosen up, it’s YOU!”

You know your character is going through a storyline dryspell, when it’s the SEASON FINALE of a show, and the most exciting thing you do during the ENTIRE HOUR is give yourself a bad haircut, one that makes you look a bit like Vanessa Huxtable from The Cosby Show.

 . . . which would be fine, if it were still 1988.

(Based on some of the message board comments, I know some of you out there really liked the new ‘do.  But it just really didn’t work for me.  Sorry!)

After not-so-subtly saying what sound like final goodbyes to Sookie and her mother (What?  NO Lafayette?), we last see Tara driving off into the sunset.  Hopefully, she’s just going to the beauty salon to FIX THAT HAIR, and isn’t gone for good . . .

Speaking of Lafayette .  . .

. . . he’s still tripping on the aftershocks of that V he took with Jesus.  And now, it’s making him see auras (?), secrets(?), hallucinations(?) — it’s hard to tell exactly what.  All I know is his visions involved Sam with blood on his hands, and an evil murderous Rene strangling, Arlene and warning Lafayette that he is INSIDE of her.  The fact that both visions are ostensibly TRUE (Sam shot his ex and her boyfriend, and, possibly Tommy.  And Arlene DOES seem to have a Devil Baby.), just makes this whole storyline even stranger.

Fearing he is going schizo like his mother, a very freaked out Lafayette seeks help from Jesus . . .

 . . . but THIS GUY comes instead . . .

The OTHER Jesus explains that Lafayette’s visions will calm down once Lafayette learns how to use MAGIC to control them.  Yes, apparently, Jesus is a WITCH . . . .

 . . . meaning, maybe, Lafayette is one too.  Geez, is ANYONE just plain human on this show, anymore?

Sookie de-friends ALL vampires on Facebook / joins Fairy Group.

“It’s complicated.”

Back at Fangtasia, Sookie is babysitting Russell still, when Alcide ARRIVES!

 . .. and he is looking so INSANELY GORGEOUS that Ginger can’t help but scream like a fangirl at the sight of him.

 .  . . OK .  . . that wasn’t why she screamed.  But that would have made a lot more sense. 

Alcide wasn’t even in werewolf form.  What the heck is so frightening about a modelesque hunk with perfect abs?  Seriously, Ginger.  Overreact much?  Did you forget you are working in the same room with someone who LITERALLY looks like this?

Anyway, apparently, Eric invited Alcide over to watch Sookie.  (This also didn’t make any sense, seeing as Eric himself appeared, just moments later.)  But, hey, no complaints here!  Alcide and Sookie flirt a bit, which is always fun to watch.  “You in trouble again?”  He asks wryly.

“When am I not in trouble,” she replies smirking.

Alcide REALLY turns on the charm.   And Sookie, who, at this point, is pretty much pissed at every other man on the show, is not immune.  “Why do you have to be such a good guy, right now?”  She asks.

“I am always a good guy,” replies Alcide matter-of-factly.

“I may be a GOOD GUY, but I can still do BAD THINGS with YOU, Miss Stackhouse!”

Unfortunately, Sookie’s and Alcide’s brief hot moment is interrupted by the return of the vamps, who have come to take Russell to his “final death.”

Still pissed, Sookie makes a point to rescind all preexisting vampire invites to her home.  This causes a smug smile to erupt on Alcide’s face, and causes Bill to glare at his would-be werewolf replacement.  “When you two are finished eye-f*cking eachother, can we go?”  Eric inquires impatiently.

(Honestly, I’d take a good eye f*ck from Alcide, any day!)

Wouldn’t you?

Outside Fangtasia, Alcide announces that his father’s debt to Eric has officially been paid off, and his time being Vampire B*tch is DONE.   Boy do we hope he’s lying, because we LOVE our, Alcide! 

“Oh, he’ll be back.  Even the toughest of werewolves can’t resist the charms of a fairy . . .”

Bill and Eric drop Russell into a cement pit.  Russell threatens that, when he gets out in 100 years (a “nap” for a vamp), he will wreak even more havoc on all of them.  Bill and Eric don’t really seem to care.

Eric is about ready to flip the switch, when Godric arrives AGAIN to bore us with his annoying pleas for peace and love.   Did you ever see those cartoons, where the angel sits on one of the main character’s shoulders, and the devil sits on the other?   But the angel is always so self-righteous and lame, that if you didn’t want to see the character sin before, you REALLY want him to sin, after the exchange is over? 

 Oh yeah, that’s Godric, in this episode . . .

Dear sweet, Godric.  You were so much more fun, when you tragically sacrificed yourself to the Sun, causing Sookie and Eric to almost have sex, as a result . . .

Ever the petulant teen, Eric disregards his “father’s good advice” and he and Bill flip the switch, covering Russell in cement.  (Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bake him in the sun, when the episode started?)  Then Bill surprises Eric, by offering him a hand to shake.  However, when Eric takes that hand, Bill tosses him into the cement, and flips the switch AGAIN!

Not cool, Vampire Bill!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the so-called “kinder, gentler” vamp, steals Eric’s cell phone, and orders a hit on Pam, impersonating Eric to do it.  Next, Bill visits Sookie, explaining to her that he has killed Eric. Furthermore, he will kill ANY vampire who has tasted her blood, or just knows that she is a fairy (like Pam), because none of these vamps will ever be able to resist her once they know.  (Ummm, Bill?  Doesn’t that definition include YOU?)

(Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a Lifetime Movie, and the crazy stalker boyfriend who’s just been dumped has uttered the oh-so-cliched “If I can’t have her, no one can!” line.)

But Sookie, ever the glutton for punishment, is obviously turned on by stalker / murderer types.  Because she rushes right back into his arms.  And then Eric magically appears . . .

 . . . looking hotter than ever, with strategically placed bits of cement on his face and in his hair. 

Question:  If both Eric and Pam (as we find out later in the episode) could break through cement in a relatively short amount of time, aren’t we to assume Russell can too?

Eric has come to get back his phone, and to tell Sookie the truth about Bill.  Apparently, not only did he EXPLICITLY court Sookie, solely at the behest of Sophie Anne, who wished to procure a fairy for her collection.  He also orchestrated the whole vampire blood drainer attack from the pilot episode, to get her to feed him her blood, thus forging the initial connection between them.

WOW!  I really didn’t think Alan Ball had it in him, given his insane and irrational love for Vampire Bill.  And yet, Ball has managed to make the Bill character EVEN MORE DEVIOUS than he was in the books!  Color me impressed!

And I have to say, my heart really went out to Sookie, who was genuinely shocked and heartbroken by this admission.  Our Favorite Fairy promptly rescinded her home invitation to both Bill and Eric once again.  She then told Bill, in no uncertain terms, that she never wants to see him again.  “Go back to Hell where you came from you f*cking undead piece of sh*t!”  She yells tearfully. 

To his credit, Eric does not appear the least bit pleased with his moral victory over the Man Who Tried to Kill Him.  And it is Eric’s genuine guilt over hurting Sookie that makes me KNOW that those two have a genuine shot together.  “It pains me to see you suffer like this.  I thought you had a right to know,” the Viking Vamp says solemnly, before quietly leaving Sookie’s property. 

The episode ends with Vampire Bill, dumped, demoralized, and with nothing to lose, challenging Sophie Anne . . .

 to a . . . flying contest?

Something tells me Vigilante Bill is going to be WAY more fun to watch than Mopey Boyfriend Bill.  Just saying . . .

Oh, and then Sookie communes with the fairies, in the cemetery, while visiting her Granny’s grave . . .

 . . . she then disappears inside the Giant Chandelier . . .

So, that was it . . . That’s all the True Blood we’re going to get, until next summer.  I for one was expecting a more action packed finale, with a few more questions answered. Honestly, this didn’t really feel like “season ending” episode to me.

 And yet, there were parts of this episode I really liked  — most notably, the return of Alcide, and the final confrontation between Sookie, Bill and Eric, which, for me, had been a LONG time coming.  Not to mention that if Season 4 of True Blood is ANYTHING like Book 4 of the series on which the show is based, then we have A LOT of fun coming our way . . . 😉

Well, that’s all I have to say about “Evil is Going On.”  Now, it’s your turn Fangbangers.  What did you think of the episode?  Were you as underwhelmed as I was?  Or was there some brilliance to it all that I missed?  Perhaps, more importantly, what do you think will happen to our favorite Bon Temps residents, next year?  And how are you planning to pass the time, until then?

[www.juliekushner.com]

Sookie Stackhouse is getting MARRIED?! — Just kidding . . . It’s just the trailer for her new film, “The Romantics.”

So, did you guys see that new episode of True Blood?

You know, the one where Sookie . . .

 dumps Vampire Bill . . .

 . . . and runs off to marry some guy who works in upper level management at this fancy Las Vegas casino . . .

 .  . . a guy who can take his shirt off IN THE SUN . . . without getting burned?

Unfortunately, Vegas Casino Guy might still be in love with Joey Potter . . .

Because, who ISN’T still in love with Joey Potter?  We all know HE is . . .

 . . . and THIS GUY definitely is . . .

 So, why not Vegas Casino Guy too?

Also, during this episode . . . Sookie finds out she has a FAIRY Godsister . . .

 But the little fairy just keeps whining about having to give up Puck’s baby for adoption . . .

. . . and about losing Sectionals to this TOTAL  A -hole, Jesse James . . .

 . . . Sorry . . . I mean Jesse ST. James . . .

It’s a pretty bizarre episode.  You see, not only has Sookie dumped Vampire Bill.  She’s also kicked to the curb, her two best friends, Tara . . .

 . . .  and Sam . . .

 . . . and replaced them with TWO NEW best friends:  Frodo Baggins . . .

(who promised he’d lend her a ring to use for the wedding, but hasn’t been seen or heard from since ) . . .

and Seth Cohen . . .

(who’s deathly afraid of vampires, but REALLY wants Sookie to join his Comic Book Club) . . .

Oh, and that mean girl from 27 Dresses is there too . . .

She knew that Sookie really wanted to wear Gram’s old wedding dress to her wedding . . .

. . . but thought the fabric would look much better as a TABLECLOTH for her apartment . . .

So, she STOLE it from Sookie’s closet, and had it “altered.”

And I have NO IDEA what heck Murphy Brown was doing in this episode!

*      *       *      *

So, basically, there’s this movie coming out this weekend, called “The Romantics.” It stars ALMOST all of the people I just mentioned (Anna Paquin, Josh Duhamel, Katie Holmes, Dianna Agron, Elijah Wood, Adam Brody, Malin Ackerman, and Candice Bergen).  In other words, it has the BEST CAST IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!

Unfortunately, the trailer for the film is kind of dull . . .

So, I’m more than a bit torn as to whether I am willing to pay the price of admission, to go see it.  The film is actually based on a book of the same name, by a guy named Galt Niederhoffer.  (Try to say THAT name three times fast!)

The book (which I haven’t read yet) is about a group of friends who attended Yale University together.  

They reunite, six years after graduation, to attend the wedding of TWO members of their elite social circle: Lila (played by Anna Paquin) and Tom (played by Josh Duhamel).  Tensions quickly rise within the wedding party, due to the fact that the Maid of Honor, Joey Potter Laura, ALSO used to date Tom.  Obviously, these two still have some unresolved feelings for one another.  

OMG!  Really?   Because I TOTALLY never saw that one coming . . .

  The rest of the film’s cast will play Lila’s mother (Candice Bergen), her little sister (Dianna Agron), and her various friends (Elijah Wood, Adam Brody, Malin Ackerman), respectively.  Rounding out the cast are Jeremy Strong , who actually attended Yale in real life (probably around the same time his fictional character did) . . .

.  . . and Rebecca Lawrence . . .

On the surface, The Romantics has a pretty promising premise . . . an indie film mashup of The Big Chill . . .

St. Elmo’s Fire . . .

. . . My Best Friend’s Wedding . . .

. . . and every chick flick ever made . . .

Yet . . . I don’t know.  Something about the trailer just seemed a little . . . dry . . . to me.  But, perhaps, I should let you judge for yourself . . .

Were you as underwhelmed by this trailer as I was (DESPITE the overwhelming awesomeness of the cast)?  Or did you catch something in it that made you want to immediately gorge on the film, like a hungry vampire chomping on a fairy?

The Romantics walks down the aisle September 10th, in New York and L.A..  However, it will “honeymoon” in wide release, shortly thereafter.  Will YOU see it?

[www.juliekushner.com]