A Case of the Munchies – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Five”

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Are your tummies growling, Fangbangers?  There was a whole lot of “messy eating” going on this week, on The Vampire Diaries. Vampires ate college coeds . . . vampire hunters ate hybrids” ears . . . The Original Family ate . . . chicken and vegetables?

I don’t know about you.  But I’ve personally been starving for some serious fang action, all week!

So, tie on a nice big bib, and polish that silverware, because it’s time to share a hearty meal with your favorite vampires in Mystic Falls . . .

Today’s Episode is brought to you by the letter “H” (for Hot Sweaty Shirtless Men) and, of course, the number “five”

I’m willing to bet that a lot more moms would watch Sesame Street with their kids, if the show taught tots how to count, this way.  Kudos, Julie Plec and Co.  This scene is Male Objectification in its purest form.  And it is, in a word, AWESOME!

The episode begins, way back in 1110 A.D.  Some old witchy lady with Crazy Witchy Lady Hair is hanging out in the BadThingsAlwaysHappenHere! Forest with what appear to be five strippers from some Game of Thrones-themed Male Review.

Is that a Storm of Swords in your pocket, or are you just happy to be on TVD?

The half naked men form a circle around her, and stare blankly into space, while she holds a fiery cauldron triumphantly above her head, like it’s Baby Simba at the beginning of the Lion King.  She’s even chanting gibberish, like they do at the beginning of that movie!

“NAAAAAAH SVENYAHHHH MAMAGICHI WAWAHHHHHHH!”

Then, Witchy Lady lowers the cauldron and the fire branches out to the five men, who, from VERY far away (1) look like they are EXTREMELY hung; and (2) appear to be pissing out flames.  I bet they can’t do that on Game of Thrones!

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”

But the fun is far from over!  Next up, everyone gets their Magical Tattoos!

“Duuuuude!  That hurt even less than that time on my 18th birthday, when I drank an entire bottle of tequila, and woke up with my ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on my Fire Crotch!”

Meanwhile, back in the present day . . .

Deny, Deny, Deny . . .

 De-Nile may very well be a river in Egypt, but it’s also got a pretty steady current running through Mystic Falls.  We see plenty of denial going on around town, during the first few minutes of the episode.  Damon still actually thinks Connor is dead . . .

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This is despite the reality of Damon never actually having seen the vampire hunter’s corpse.  Not to mention the well-known fact that the gods of Mystic Falls would never, EVER, allow a hot male villain, like Connor, to croak, without getting him to take his shirt off at least once.

Also in denial?  Stefan.  He thinks he’s “totally over” Damon’s and Elena’s little hand-suck blood exchange, a couple weeks back.

Yeah, this guy?  He’s not jealous of his brother at all!  No sir!  Not a bit!

Speaking of denial . . . sure Elena, Stefan has nothing to worry about.  Just because you are going to an all-night frat party with Damon, doesn’t mean that you are going to spend the entire night dry humping him on the dance floor, and/or sucking on his fingers.  You’re DEFINITELY going to be 100% faithful to Stefan . . . He’s your “boo,” after all, isn’t he?

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Oh, and might I add, that “convenient” explanation as to why Elena could ONLY learn how to feed from that sexy studmuffin / awesome kisser Damon, and not from Caroline, because she’s “too good” at controlling her vampire urges?

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That’s a TOTAL crock of dog poo!  Need we all be reminded of an incident, back in Season 2, that I like to lovingly refer to as “Carter-gate?”

So much self control!  She even managed to brush her hair out of her eyes, before snapping his neck with her teeth.  Honestly, I don’t know how she does it!

Still more stops on the Denial Train.  Next we have Beks, who is stalking Matt Donovan at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  She mistakenly believes she can still get into his pants, despite the whole, “sending his car over the Wickory Bridge” thing.

I think it drowned, Matt  . . . along with your dignity.

Desperate for redemption (and nookie), Rebekah even goes so far as to buy Matt . . . wait for it . . . A BRAND NEW CAR!

OMG!  Rebekah Michaelson is like Richard Gere, and Matt Donovan is her Pretty Woman . . .   Except, money can’t buy Matt’s love!  He’s keeping the car, but he still won’t kiss Rebekah on the mouth . . . too personal.

Heck, I’d kiss Rebekah on the mouth for a new car.  And I don’t even roll that way.  Go figure . . .

Don’t you just hate it when your family members are around to see you strike out with the opposite sex?  Poor Rebekah!  Klaus is sitting at the bar, ready and waiting with a “He’s just not that into you,” speech.

“You had to start with a car?  You couldn’t have gone with something less expensive?  Like a lottery ticket?  Or a lollipop?“

Klaus knows that Rebekah is still pissed at him for, you know, not appreciating her, and stuff.  But he still has information for her about “The Five.”  Rebekah pretends she doesn’t care.  But we all know she TOTALLY does . . .

“What can I say?  I wear my heart on my sleeve . . . no, I mean literally on my sleeve, like a big fat bloody cufflink.

Hot for Teacher, Not for Frat Boy

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Did you know that, before she was “That Old Lady Who Died Twice on The Vampire Diaries,” Bonnie’s grams was a college professor, who specialized in the occult?

Well, now you do!

What a convenient way to get Bonnie, Elena and Damon to road trip to “college,” while, at the same time, introducing a new fairly attractive, Alaric Saltzman 2.0 type, who may or may not end up being a villain and/or a witchy new love interest for Bonnie . . .  Anywhoo, he lectures about witches, and blah, blah, blah . . .

 Meanwhile Damon instructs Elena on the best, and worst types of people to feed off of . . .

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I assumed Damon would advocate eating fat people (MORE MEATY!).  But, instead, he instructed Elena to suck on airheads and the self-absorbed. (LESS CALORIES?)

(Fun Fact: Nerdy girls are bad meals, because, apparently, they are instinctively mistrustful of people who are nice to them.  So, at this point, I’d like to say, to all my fellow nerd girls out there, HOLLA!)

While Bonnie wanders off to have some more boring conversation with Professor Boo Radley, or whatever, Damon coaches Elena through her first feed.

Things start off well enough.  But then Self-Absorbed!Girl inadvertently shows Elena a picture of her baby sister, and Elena FREAKS OUT!  (Honestly, I think the emotional impact of the failed “tasting,” would have been more effective, if the little girl was Miss Would-Be Blood Bag’s daughter.  Now, that would have been poignant.  But baby sister?  Meh!)

No worries!  Damon’s got a better idea!  He decides to take Elena to a frat party.  You know, because everyone who goes to frat parties MUST, by definition, be a terrible person, worthy of bloody neck hickies.  Also, no one who goes to frat parties has a baby sister . . .

Once again, out of convenience, the frat party in question, has a death theme.  (You’ll learn why that’s convenient in a bit.)  Also, out of convenience, Hot Professor Boo Radley just so happens to be attending the party.  Because, lord knows, underage kids throwing kegger parties just LOOOVE to invite late 30-something looking teacher types to witness their debauchery and misdemeanors . . .

“I thought she was 18 . .  . I mean . . . I thought she was 21 . . . I mean . . . Someone put something in my drink?”

In what I can only assume was an “inside joke,” Damon arrives at the party dressed as Jack the Ripper, with Elena and Bonnie traveling in tow, as his “victims.”  (Take THAT, Ripper Stefan!)

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Elena finds a  frat boy, who, by roofie-ing a girl’s drink in plain view, renders himself just douchebaggy enough that Elena can feed off of him, without offending her “personal moral code.”  (Also, we can all assume he’s an only child.  Or, if not, an only child, at least doesn’t carry around a cute picture of his sibling on his cell phone.)

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Elena munches heartily, and immediately becomes swept up in the euphoria of Vampire’s First Feeding Frenzy.  “I want more,” she whispers seductively in Damon’s ear . . .

So, does he, Elena . . . So does he . . .

Eventually, Elena’s whole Dexter the Vampire rationale of “I only eat BAAADDDD PEOPLE,” goes right out the window.  We see her later chomping on an innocent looking chica, who most definitely had an iPhone filled with adorable siblings.  No matter!  Elena was having much to much fun, to concern herself with petty details like morality.

And we all know what Elena does, whenever she’s having fun, right?  You guessed it!  It’s DelenaDANCESEX time!

I know a lot of people had mixed opinions about this scene.  But I, for one, absolutely adored it.  I loved how messy it was . . . how Damon and Elena were more drunkenly swaying than actually dancing.  I loved how sweaty they were, how mussed both of their hair was, how their eyes looked bleary, glassy, and heavy lidded.

I even loved the ridiculousness of the fact that neither of them thought to wipe off the nasty-ass blood dripping from their mouths onto their shirts, despite the fact that, no matter how drunk people were at this party, surely SOMEONE would have noticed that.

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Believe it or not, I think the sloppiness of the scene gave it an added sense of realism.  If submitting to blood lust is a metaphor for being really drunk, or really high on drugs like ecstasy or heroine, it makes sense that the blood lusters would look and act like inebriated people.  People who were truly living in the moment . . . not thinking, just feeling, and enjoying life . . . not caring what other onlookers might think of them.

Then, of course Cock Block Extraordinaire Bonnie has to pop by, in order to give Elena THAT LOOK . . . You know the one.  It’s that all-too-familiar Judgy Bonnie look . . . the one that never fails to bring Elena right back to her boring self . . . which, of course, is Bonnie’s most impressive Super Power . . . MESMERIZING DULLNESS . . .

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Judge not, lest Bonnie ALWAYS judges . . .

Elena scampers off in tears.  She wants to go home, dammit!  Damon, understandably, is a bit “miffed” by it all . . .

Try not to take it too personally, Damon.  I think Elena’s just feeling guilty about chowing down on too many douchebag blood carbs.  Now, she’ll NEVER be able to fit into that Miss Mystic Falls Gown!

Back home, and hanging out on Elena’s front porch, Elena and Damon engage in another version of what is basically the exact same conversation they have with one another every few episodes.  And it basically boils down to this:  Damon is a BAD BOY.  Elena wants to be a GOOD GIRL.  She’s afraid that if she keeps hanging out with Damon, she will have wild, crazy, amazing vampire sex with him, and never ever want to stop . . . also become a BAD GIRL.  So, she has to stay with Stefan, because he’s . . . you know . . . “good” and stuff at least, when he’s not murdering thousands of people across the Eastern Seaboard.

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Stefan pops up on the porch, before things between Damon and Elena can get more heated (Geez, he and Bonnie make a great pair. TEAM COCKBLOCK!)  Cue Elena b*tching and whining about how AWFUL it was drinking that SCARY blood from those SCARY college coeds’ necks.  Oh, how she wishes she could have been home eating bunnies with Stefan . . . or knitting socks, or whatever it is “good” vampires are supposed to do on Friday nights . . .

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Little does she know that Stefan has spent his day plotting and scheming with the baddest vampire around . . . his Secret Boyfriend Klaus . . .

50 Shades of Connor Jordan

My that Klaus!  He really is a kinky bastard, isn’t he?  I mean, I totally get why he needed to chain up the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, who is undoubtedly the key to his Next Big Plan!  But putting him up against the wall, spread-eagled, half-naked, and, probably under a heat lamp (because no one sweats that much inside an air-conditioned home in the middle of Fall)?  Come on, that was obviously an exhibition of Klaus’ S&M fantasies come true.  (Watch out Caroline . . . and Stefan.  Because you are both soooo next!

Speaking of kinky, another one of my favorite scenes this week was the one where one of Klaus’ nameless soon-to-be-dead hybrids comes to “tighten up” Connor’s S&M chains, and the vampire hunter ends up BITING OFF A RATHER LARGE CHUNK OF HIS EAR!

Seriously!  I was not expecting that!

Cooler still?  Connor actually had a logical reason for doing this, one that much more complex than a simple “I was hungry,” or “Hybrid ears taste like chicken.”

Nope . . . Connor bit Random Hybrid’s ear to STEAL HIS EARRING, AND USE IT TO UNLOCK HIS CHAINS!  POSITIVELY GENIUS!

Smoke em if you’ve got em SUCKAS!

[Random sidenote:  When I was a little kid, I used to drink a lot of Shirley Temples at parties.  And if you’ve ever had a Shirley Temple, you know they come with a cherry garnish.  Anyway, rumor has it that if you can  tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue alone, that means you are a good kisser, and . . . if not . . . well . . .

Unfortunately, it’s something I’ve never been able to manage.  Take from that what you will.  All I can say is, given how tongue and teeth challenged I apparently am, I can 100% appreciate Connor Jordan’s ORAL PROWESS.  It also makes me really want to make out with him . . . like . . . a lot.]

“And I’m too sexy for your ear .  . . too sexy for your ear, too sexy, my dear!”

We’ll get back to Connor, and his teeth, in just a moment.  But for now, let’s get back to Kinky Klaus and Studly Stefan, shall we?

It’s Time for Another Round of Ye Old Important Flashbacks . . .

Ever since Stefan showed up on his doorstep, sniffing around for information about The Five, Klaus has been hitting on him, in a major way.  He’s definitely putting out all the stops . . . inviting him into his home, flattering him, invading his personal space, batting his puppy dog eyes.  As I’ve been genuinely missing these two’s weekly game of Hide the Salami for quite some time (Ahhh . . . memories of Early Season 3), it was nice to see it again this week.

Klaus’ rationale for hitting on Stefan (aside from the obvious, of course) is that he wants Stefan to convince Rebekah to tell them  both what she knows about The Five.  Through the use of flashbacks (and lots of goofy lion’s mane wigs), we learn that Rebekah used to occasionally hump one of these mystical FIVE, back in the day.  And that he, may or may not, have pillow-talked all his dirty secrets to the Original Vamp.

“I’ll show you my fangs, if you show me your fire crotch.”

Stefan is initially immune to Klaus’ charms,  until Klaus evokes the magical spell that never fails to make Stefan puddy in his hands.  Just in case you ever happen to run into Stefan, and want him to become your sex slave, I’d be more than happy to share the words of this spell with you.  Here it is: “DO IT FOR ELENA.”

Yes, once again, Klaus has made Stefan his loyal puppy dog, by evoking the Elena Clause in their Occasional F*ck Buddy Contract.  Stefan pops by the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where Rebekah apparently still hasn’t moved, since being rejected by Matt there hours ago.  Maybe she’s under the “DO IT FOR ELENA” spell too . . .  Stefan somehow convinces Rebekah to temporarily play nice with her brother.  And eventually the three end up making plans for dinner.

(By the way, remember when Rebekah and Stefan used to be in loooooove with one another?  Because, sometimes, I feel like the writers don’t remember it at all . . .)

The Scene that Will Inevitably Spawn 1,000 Jeremy/Connor Slash Fanfics

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Meanwhile, back at the Hybrid House of Horrors, Klaus, remembering that a couple of weeks ago, Jeremy went from being “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead People” to “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead Ancient Invisible Ink Tattoos,” kidnaps  invites Mini Gilbert over for an impromptu art session, whereby Jeremy will draw the tatts from Connor’s Hot Glistening Body.  (Mental Note:  Time to sign up for one of those art classes, where you sit for an hour each week, and draw naked people.  It’s suddenly sounding like a great idea!)

“Just let your Inner Goddess fly free!”

Connor is a little pouty with Jeremy.  Because he thought the two of them were TATT BROTHERS, and now, here Jeremy is “drawing for the Enemy.”  To this valid accusation, Jeremy responds, more or less . . . wait for it . . . “I’M DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

“Oh, well, if you are DOING IT FOR ELENA, than I forgive you,” replies Connor.  (Just kidding . . . sort of.)

Connor explains to Jeremy that his ability to see the tattoo marks him as a “potential” SUPER Vampire Hunter (which sounds very Buffy the Vampire Slayer-y to me).  He also explains how his tattoos grow each time he murders another vampire.  Well, that sure is cost-efficient.  Tattoos can be expensive!

What we eventually learn is that, as bad ass a vampire hunter as Connor might be, he’s apparently not bad ass enough to have a complete Vampire-Killing Arm Tattoo.  Klaus examines Jeremy’s drawing and finds it to be woefully incomplete . . . FOR NOW . . .

Ye Olde Flashbacks 2: Electric Boogaloo

A little while later, Klaus, Stefan and Rebekah sit down for one of their deliciously dysfunctional family dinners.  I always love it when Klaus caters a meal on this show.  He always puts about ten fancy courses of food on the table, and then NOBODY EVER EATS!

That’s got to really dust his doilies, don’t you think?  Maybe he should start spiking the dishes with Soccer Mom blood.  Then, at least, he wouldn’t have so many leftovers . . .

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Fake dinner seems like a great opportunity for another flashback.  And, so, we get one, in short order.  Just as Klaus suspected, Rebekah’s lover, Vampire Hunter Alex was quite the Chatty Kathy during sex.

“Check it out.  This sword and these tattoos together form a road map to my weiner . . . you know, just in case you can’t find it on your own.”

In a state of presumed post-coital bliss, Alex reveals, both to Rebekah, and to us, that the Five have a weapon that will surely wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth . . .A CURE TO VAMPIRISM . . .

Yeah, yeah . . . I think we all pretty much knew that was coming . . .

What does surprise me about this plot point, though, is how long this supposed vampire cure has purportedly been around.  You would think, for example, that Witchy Mama Esther or even Evil Vampire Eater Mikael would have heard about it, and at least tried to find it, before resorting to attempting to murder their own children . . . Just a thought . . .

Poor Rebekah!  She’s starting to rival Elijah and Alaric as Most Murdered Character on TVD!  Not long after Alex spills the beans to her about the Vampire Cure, he stabs her with a white oak stake, along with the rest of her siblings.  Rat BASTARD!

“Dear sister, I thought your room could use a bit of sprucing up.  How do you like your new wall decor?“

Fortunately for us, Klaus is immune to White Oak Stakedom, and takes this opportunity to murder Alex and one of his FIVE-Y friends, conveniently leaving the other three alive to spawn Connor Jordan, Mini Gilbert, and whatever other sexy male guest stars TVD chooses to introduce in the near future.

Vampire Hunter Nick Miller, anyone?

But wait a minute.  If Klaus already knew all this crud about The Five, why is he bothering Poor Rebekah with bad memories of yet another lover her used her and discarded her like trash?

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A-ha!  See, this is where things get sort of interesting.  Apparently, those crazy tattoos Connor has on his body are a map to the Vampire Cure.  And the key to reading that map is on the sword of each of the Original Five.  Klaus (rightfully) as it turns out, assumes that Rebekah knows where that sword is.  Once found, that sword, combined with Jeremy’s drawing, will enable Klaus to locate the cure, give it to Elena, and then continue to use her as a bloodbag for the creation of new hybrids.

Nifty plan, right?  Except, Rebekah’s not budging with the information, no matter how many threats or insults Klaus hurls her way . . .

Hey Klaus, haven’t you ever heard the saying you catch more vampire siblings with honey?  Wait . . . that’s not how it goes.

Rebekah storms off in huff, but Klaus seems unmoved.  As it turns out, this was precisely his plan.  You see, Klaus wanted to put Rebekah in an emotional enough state to reveal the location of the secret sword to STEFAN.  And why again would Stefan want to help Klaus?  Repeat after me, everyone, “HE’S DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

That’s right.  Because if Elena can be made human again, she can revert back to the sweet docile kittenish girl Stefan always loved, cherished and worshipped, as opposed to the naughty keg standing, motorcycle riding, doucheboy drinking, Damon sucking soon-to-be Damon screwing, pencil flinging vampire girl she has become . . .

This recap has become long enough as it is, so I’m not going to bore you with the details.  Long story short, Stefan cleverly manipulates the vulnerable Rebekah’s romantic side into revealing that she buried Alex’s sword, along with his corpse, in the church where the couple was to be married . . . you know, before he stabbed her in the chest, and her brother cut out his heart . . . otherwise known as The Good Old Days.

Klaus is conveniently around to hear this information, and, for reasons I don’t quite understand, decides to stake Rebekah again, upon receiving it.

“Trust me, this hurts me way more than it is hurting you.”

“Somehow, I doubt that . . .“

Seriously, dude?  AGAIN!  Klaus, you have to find better ways to express your emotions than staking your siblings every time they piss you off.  You’re becoming like that kid in the Twilight Zone movies, who keeps sending everyone in his family to the Evil Cornfield every time they don’t give him candy, or enforce his bedtime.  It’s time to get another outlet for your anger.  Might I suggest the batting cages, or S&M sessions with Connor and Jeremy . . .

Speaking of people you secretly want to have sex with, Klaus.  Could you explain to me why you felt the need to keep this whole “sword / tattoo” map thing a BIG Secret between you and Stefan?  Is it because you think it will make it easier to get into his pants, while you two are spending hours alone scheming with one another behind closed bedroom doors?  Don’t you think Damon the Scooby Gang could you help you find it faster, than just the two of you working alone?

Just saying . . .

So many headless hybrids, so little time . . .

And so our Big Bad Sexy Shirtless Scoundrel Connor uses that trusty earring to break free from Klaus’ Den of Rough Sex, just as we knew he would.  But geez, did he HAVE to decapitate ANOTHER one of Klaus’ precious hybrids.  You would think these guys are human PEZ Dispensers, given how easily their heads pop off at the slightest touch . . .

Connor Jordan . . . gives good head.

Connor’s action, of course, has the added benefit of conveniently finishing off his Vampire Hunter tattoo.  I wonder how many bloodsuckers he had to do in, to earn all those stripes . . . I wonder if you get more “points” for killing hybrids . . . so many questions. . . .

In the final scene, we see a pissed off Connor whining to his leader.  “Why did you send me to this PLACE, where all anybody ever does is have flashbacks, and sit around and talk about how they are ‘DOING IT FOR ELENA?”

WAH, WAH, WAH . . . cry me a bloody river, Connor.  But in all honesty, I’d be interested in knowing the answer to this question too.  What say you, Connor’s Exalted Leader. .  . Professor Boo Radley?

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Stake, Rattle and Roll – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Rager”

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Umm, Elena.  This may not be the best time to tell you this, but . . . you have a little something on your face.

Howdy, Fangbangers!  This week, on TVD, Elena got some lessons in Vampire Anger Management from . . . This Guy?

She also took the most ridiculously uncool-looking motorcycle ride since this moviecame out, back in 2007 . . .

Also this week, Rebekah did her best impersonation of what Regina George from Mean Girls would act like, if Regina George from Mean Girls was a vampire . . .

While Damon opted instead for a little Vampire Magic Mike action . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Because in Mystic Falls, the Dentist makes house calls . . .

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“OK, now open your mouth and say AHHHHHHHHHH!“

Of all the spooky things that happen on this show, I’d have to say the most terrifying of them all aside from Elena’s massive Blood Puke Fest, last week was that time when Vampire Hunter Connor performed some impromptu dental work on Hybrid Tyler.  Because, let’s face it.  Dentists are way scarier than any vampire, werewolf or witch, I’ve ever seen . . .

It all started with Tyler snoozing at the hospital, recovering from his not-so-much-there-anymore bullet wound . . .

Poor Tyler!  It’s so hard to find good help these days.  You would think that with all the money Mommy spent on her son’s hospital bodyguard, he’d be smart enough not to leave his post and WANDER DOWN THE HALL, just because he “heard a sound.”

I mean, come on!  If that’s not the oldest trick in the book, I don’t know what is . . .

The good news is supernatural Tyler was more than equipped to battle his intruder.  The bad news?  He had to do it while wearing a dress . . .

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“Let’s dance!  One-two-cha-cha-cha.  Three-four-cha-cha-cha.”

I’m going to go ahead and give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, by saying that his inconvenient “battle attire” was at least partially to blame for his getting his ass handed to him by a guy whose idea of a good time is carving pictures into bullets for fun.  Of course, that whole “being injected with a paralytic” thing didn’t help either . . . Oh, then this happened . . .

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“Hey, you know, since you’re already in there, would you mind checking out this cavity I have on my left molar?“

So, it turns out, Connor didn’t want to clean Tyler’s teeth at all!  He was just using him for his vampire-killing werewolf venom!  HOW RUDE!

“You owe me, Bro!  I don’t give up my spit to just anybody!  That sh*t’s sacred!”

Tyler returned home to his Mommy’s house,  only to learn that Klaus and his band of Merry Mute Hot Hybrids had come to crash at his pad for a few days . . .

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“Hey Tyler.  I’ve decided to use your home as the photo-shoot site for my Sexy Supernaturals of 2013 Calendar.  Meet Mr. January and Mr. March.”

I kid!  Actually, Klaus hired these soon-to-be-dead extras to protect Tyler – his special snowflake of a hybrid.

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After all, now that former Bloodbag Elena is immortal, Klaus’ sex slaves magical creations are kind of an “endangered species.”  Without them, Klaus might be forced to hire boring humans to kiss his ass for him, like regular rich people do.  Perish the thought!

I don’t know, Klaus.  Putting all your precious hybrids under one roof doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me.  For one thing, the entire species has just become one “gas leak” away from extinction.  Hasn’t the Anti-Vampire Council taught you anything?

Not to mention the fact that Vampire Hunter Connor now has a convenient one-stop shop for all the werewolf spit he could possibly want.  But more on that later . . .

Damon Salvatore Stars in “Trailer Park Shenanigans”

When we first saw Damon this week, he was ragging on his little brother . .  .

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 . .  . while making empty threats to leave Mystic Falls for about the 28th time since the series began . . .  Oh Damon!  You aren’t fooling anybody.  We all know you can’t bear to leave The Elena for more than half an episode . . .

Anywhoo, Damon heads over to the scummy-looking trailer where Vampire Hunter Connor is currently residing.  And, perhaps this is just me, but I thought it looked suspiciously similar to the scummy-looking trailer where those lame werewolves put down stakes, back in Season 2.  Perhaps, all of Mystic Falls’ Big Bads engage in some kind of a carpooling / timeshare system?

“It’s because none of us ever live long enough to sign a long-term lease.”

So, Damon was chilling in this trailer (though, I’m not quite sure how he got in, as he was clearly never invited), perusing some purloined love letters from the late Pastor Young, when all the sudden, this happened . . .

Don’t you just hate it, when you’re trespassing in your enemy’s house, and you find yourself stabbed with an arrow attached to a bomb that’s triggered to go off, if you move a muscle?  I know I do!  Fortunately, Damon was used to this . . .

Ahhh . . . sweet foreplay.

And promptly decided to phone his lady friend for help . . .

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It was just another day at the office for Dr. Meri-Death Fell, who promptly extracted the offending bomb-arrow-contraption from our hero’s pelvis, while offering him some sage advice about the importance of “brotherly love.”  Damn, when I go to the doctor, I’m lucky if I get a 15 cent lollipop along with my bill!

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That’s right, folks.  Much like a certain Vampire Rose, Meredith Fell is one of those characters I initially hated, who came to earn my grudging respect by admitting that she is on Team Delena.

I mean, really.  How could I possibly hate a character who tells Damon he’s the better brother, because he’s out actually protecting Elena from evil vampire hunters, while Saint Stefan is busy carting her around to poison keggers, and taking her on stupid motorcycle rides?

Speaking of Elena and Stefan . . .

Back-alley wrist sucking, and bathroom catfights

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Well . . . that’s one way of checking if your pencil is sharp enough . . .

Like many enterprising high school students, Elena’s day began with a healthy breakfast . . .

So beefy!

How far the mighty hath fallen, Matt.  You used to make out with girls like Elena behind the school.  Now, the best you can hope for is that they offer you a bandaid, after they’ve sucked the marrow out of your wrist . . .

“Try to eat less garlic for dinner.  My hot vampire boyfriends, who I actually make out with, have been complaining about my breath.”

Over in The-History-Class-That-Used-to-Be-Taught-By-Alaric-Saltzman-But-Is-Now-Taught-By-a-Blind-Teacher-Who’s-Oblivious-to-the-Fact-That-Her-Students-Occasionally-Stab-Eachother-with-Pencils, Rebekah and Elena exchanged some harsh words with one another.

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It seems that Elena doesn’t like Rebekah, because Rebekah (1) killed Alcoholic Surrogate Dad, (2) kind of /sort of killed Elena, (3) almost killed Elena’s bloodbag, Matt, and (4) used to bone both of Elena’s boyfriends, Damon and Stefan.

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In turn, Rebekah doesn’t like Elena, because . . . well . . . everyone else in Mystic Falls loooooves Elena, and it totally pisses Rebekah off.

It didn’t take long for Rebekah and Elena to start cat fighting with one another, using one bloody pencil as a shared weapon between them.  Meanwhile, useless Stefan, not wanting to “get involved,” sat idly by, clearly turned on by the spectacle, and obviously imagining that the two hot vampettes were fighting over him . . .

Did I mention that Vampire Hunter Connor — who seems to have no gainful employment, and therefore, can spend all his time designing pretty bullets, booby trapping his trailer, and lurking around high schoolers like the pedophile we all know him secretly to be — was conveniently at Mystic Falls High that day?  Though Connor’s initial reason for showing up at the school was to hit on “recruit” latent-vampire hunter Jeremy, who he noticed was totally checking out his super-secret tattoos, last week, at the Only-Bar-Social-Establishment-in-Mystic-Falls . . .

. . . the sexy bald man’s presence at Mystic Falls High School actually ended up being beneficial to multiple parties.  First, there was Rebekah, who devised a rather clever plan to out the newbie vamp in front of her would-be killer, by preparing her a surprise mid-morning snack . . .

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Don’t do it, Elena.  Eating in the bathroom is SUPER unsanitary . . .

Fortunately, Elena — who, let’s face it, is probably used to going hungry often, given her penchant for model thinness — managed to control her inner cannibal.  And our “SAG card winning” (three lines is all it takes!) student extra got to live another day . . .

Another unintended beneficiary of Connor’s presence was Matt, who, in a moment of rare genius, outed the much-despised Rebekah as a vamp, when asked about the source of his “arm hickeys.”  Did I mention that Rebekah was planning to have a big keg party that night at her new home?  Ruh-roh, Klaus Barbie fans . . . I smell trouble!

BEER BAD!

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So, you know how, at the beginning of the episode, Connor sucked spit out of Tyler’s mouth (it’s not as sexy as it sounds) for no seemingly discernible reason?  Well, it turns out he can use it to spike the keg supply at Rebekah’s party, thereby murdering all Mystic Falls Teen Vamps with one proverbial red solo cup!  Pretty ingenious, right?

Except, here’s the thing . . . I mean, the guy took, what, two tablespoons, three tablespoons of saliva TOPS from Tyler’s mouth?  And that’s supposed to saturate an entire keg?  That must be some seriously powerful mouth goo!

“Even my spit is awesome . . .”

So, of course, the big question becomes, will any of OUR favorite vamps drink the poison beer?

Because if that’s not a PSA against underage drinking, I don’t know what is!

But first, our Scooby Gang had to get to the party.  And Elena, for one, was not about to attend her nemeses’ soiree empty handed.  She planned on partying with a big stick in her hand . . . Damon’s big stick, of course. 😉

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Again, special thanks to Connor for bloodying up Damon, thereby giving our favorite Salvatore an excuse to “get out of those DIRRRTY clothes,” right when Elena was stopping by to rifle through Damon’s underwear drawer for that . . white oak stake.

Yeah, whatever, Elena.  You can claim all you want that you came over to Damon’s house just to “kill Rebekah” with that “magical Original-killing stake,” but we all know the only hard pointy object you were really interested in lies right between Damon’s legs . . .

Speaking of couples that I ship more than Stelena, did you all get a load of the intense connection / sweet chemistry between Baby Vamp Caroline and Daddy Vamp, Stefan, this week?

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Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m still a card-carrying Forwood fan.  But there’s just something about the easy-going, natural, and non-judgmental way in which Stefan and Caroline relate to one another, that makes Stefan seem so much more relatable than he is when he’s worshiping at the altar of and/or stern father figuring Elena . . .

Though it’s not something I see as being an “endgame,” I definitely wouldn’t mind the writers delving a bit further into the Steroline relationship, this season .  . .

But since I mentioned Tyler, I should add that our baby hybrid has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle.  And that pickle has a name: Hayley . . .

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Ever since Tyler’s convenient miraculous “breaking of the sire bond, off-screen” many fans have been wondering what, or, perhaps more accurately, whohe was doing, during those “lost months in the woods.”  Now, we know.

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OK.  Here’s the thing, even if we give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he was a perfect gentleman, all through his time away from Caroline, we all know how intense werewolf-shifting can be for a couple of hot-blooded horny teens . . .

And, just like Stefan took some serious umbrage at the notion of Damon and Elena sharing blood  . . .

. . . I suspect that the naturally jealous Caroline will have some serious issues with the idea of Tyler shifting in front of another single lady.  And, of course, Klaus, who inadvertently found out about Hayley’s existence this week,  will undoubtedly use this situation to his advantage . . .

In short, I predict a lot of drawings of ponies from this guy, in the near future . . .

But back to the beer.  Rebekah was drinking like a fish, so we knew immediately that she’d be in for a rough night.

Hoity toity Stefan, on the other hand, shuns all cheap booze.  (Only the best for our Baby Salvatore!)  So, he was in the clear . . .

At first, Elena seemed like she might be safe, having offered her cup of brew to the Quirky! Adorable! April Young.  But then Big Bad Rebekah had to go and temporarily sunburn Elena, by dropping her sunscreen ring down the insinkerator.  Oops!

No one ruins Elena’s flawless complexion and gets away with it!  Elena was out for blood!  She grabbed her surrogate Damon Salvatore Penis white oak stake, and prepared to strike.  But then Jiminey Cricket the Vampire, a.k.a. Stefan informed Elena that killing an entire line of vampires, just because some b*tch jacked your ugly ring, would be a bit excessive.  So, Elena decided to do the next best thing . . . a keg stand?

“Mmmm poison Lockwood backwash mixed with Bud Light.  A tasty combination!”

It seemed like a kind of random move to me.  But it sure did piss off Rebekah.  So, mission accomplished, in that regard.  Also, it looked cool.  And Elena really needed those extra coolness points to make up for the ridiculousness of the scene that followed this one . .

“A whole new wooooooooorld . . . “

Ahhh young love (though, I guess, in this case, only half-young)!  It can be so freeing sometimes, can’t it?  It can make you feel immortal especially if you are actually immortal.  It can make you feel like you’re . . . wait for it . . .  “The King of the World.”

It can make you do stupid dorky things, like wear a funny-looking helmet on a motorcycle ride that is supposed to represent your new-found freedom from doing things like wearing funny-looking helmets . . .

“Yippppeeeeeeeee!”

“Woooohooooo!”

“Yeeeehawwwww!”

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I don’t know.  I just think there were plenty of less cringe-worthy ways to make the point that Elena was embracing her free-spirited vampire side.   For example, she could have gone bungee jumping, or cliff diving.  She could have . . . danced in her underwear with Damon Salvatore . . .

Instead, she did this.  And the whole time I was watching, I was secretly hoping that she would faceplant into a tree.  Yes, I’m aware that makes me a terrible person . . .

Speaking of Guilt . . .

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Dating Tips by Rebekah Mikaelson: “When the boy you like seems unwilling to give you his heart, take it for yourself.  He probably wasn’t using it, anyway.“

Delirious from the werewolf venom that was just starting to make it’s way through their respective bloodstreams, both Rebekah and Elena were forced to face the darkest sides of their true nature.  For Rebekah, this meant hearing the boy she had grown to admire most, tell her she was juvenile, pathetic, and undeserving of love.  So, she did what any girl would do in that situation.  She ripped out his heart . . . literally . . .

Don’t worry, Matt lovers.  It was just a dream . . . for now . . .

As for Elena, during sex with Stefan, she also did what any girl would do in her situation . . . She imagined she was boning Damon.

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The writers implied that this hallucination was meant to represent Elena’s belief that her vampire style was more akin to that of the fun-loving, morally loose, murderer-in-moderation, Damon, than to the all-or-nothing, Jekyll and Hyde, Puritan/Ripper Stefan.

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But, personally, I prefer to think that Elena got a nice long glimpse of Damon’s “white oak stake” earlier in the day, and decided that she wanted MORE, MORE, MORE . . .

Speaking of Damon . . .

Badass Bromances and Who the F*&k are The Five . . .

With the help of Jeremy, who used Connor’s “interest” in him to lure the vampire hunter to the hospital, under the guise of catching Damon Salvatore . . .

And Damon would know . . .

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  . . . Damon, and, surprisingly enough, Klaus, banded together to ensnare vampire hunter Connor in a trap that was remarkably similar to the one Connor caught Damon with earlier.  (Payback is a b*tch.)

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With Connor caught in their crosshairs, Klaus and Damon took this time to flirt with one another, as former enemies turned bromantic buddies will inevitably due . . .

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Of course, all this flirting and trash talking leads to the inadvertent exposure of some intriguing information about Connor.  According to Klaus, his tattoos, along with the markings on his bullets designate him as more than just your garden-variety Alaric Saltzman type vampire hunter.  Rather, Connor (and possibly Jeremy) is one of the elusive “Five,” a group of supernatural vampires that . . . I suspect . . . might have the ability to revert vampires back into their mortal form.

Aha, TVD . . . I see what you are doing here, you sly devils you . . .

Unfortunately, before my suspicions can be confirmed, Connor and foes trigger the bomb and the room goes kablooey, taking Connor right along with it into oblivion . . . or does it?

In which Klaus saves EVERYONE, and Damon saves . . . Matt?

Like many of you viewers, I found it amusing that, after all that has happened, Stefan still has Klaus on speed dial, and willingly cell phone stalked him, when Elena needed the Original Hybrid’s blood to cure her werewolf poisoning.  Of course, as we all know by now, Klaus never does anything without a clear and calculated reason, and his rescue of vampire non-bloodbag, Elena is no different.  In a surprise scene at the end of the episode, we find out that Klaus has also saved Connor.

Could it be that Klaus has plans to use Connor to turn Elena back into a human, so that he can use her blood to create more hybrids?  Only time will tell . . .

Speaking of bloodbags, we find a newly healthy Elena chowing down on Matt’s arm again, just as she did earlier in the episode.  Except this time around she’s . . . wait for it . . .

Of all the people in Matt’s world, Elena was probably the last person he thought would almost kill him.  And yet, almost kill him, Elena does, putting Blood bag boy’s life in danger, for about the 80th time this season . . .

Then, in a complete reversal of the scene from the pilot, in which minutes-old vampire Elena rescued Matt from a furious-Damon, the Elder Salvatore holds back the ravenous Elena from finishing off her quarterback jock chew toy . . .

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Just as Stefan seemed the perfect person to teach the naturally impulsive baby vamp Caroline to control her vampire urges, by helping her go cold turkey from them, until she could cope with them more naturally, so too does Damon’s method of bloodsucking-in-moderation seem well-suited to Elena’s more even-keeled, laid-back temperament.  Once again, I was touched by how gentle, and non-judgmental Damon was with Elena, reminding her that her vampire impulses were not shameful, and promising her that he could help her control them in a way that would still enable her to enjoy her un-death . . .

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This, of course, leads us right in to the positively Fangtastic-looking promos for next week’s episode, which I would like to hereby lovingly entitle: The Delena LOVE AND SEX Buffet .  . . See for yourself . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Suck and Blow – A Recap of Vampire Diaries’ “Memorial”

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Sure, Damon’s Hand may seem all sweet and caring, while your sucking on it.  But will it call you the next day?

Poor Elena!  We’ve all been there, haven’t we, Fangbangers?  You’re hanging out with friends, having a few drinks, enjoying life, when, all of the sudden . . .

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I don’t know about you guys,  but whenever I feel like puking, the first thing I do is find a mirror, so that I can watch myself do it . . .

Ahhh, yes. thee sure was a lot of binging and yakking, in this episode.  Fortunately, we got to wash it all down with a heaping helping of minty fresh vampire sex, and hand sucking.  So, while we may have ended the hour a bit weaker and paler-looking than we began, at least we left satisfied . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Bambi’s Mother is TOTALLY judging you . . .

Somewhere deep in the forests of Mystic Falls, a group of happy woodland creatures are laughing their asses off at Stefan and Elena . . .

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I mean, sure, I suspect when the big bad OLD Vampire, and the Temperamental Baby Vampire first started making tracks in the woods, the woodland creatures were suffering from some serious anxiety.

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But when Elena started weeping in the woods, after failing to complete her kill . . .

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And then the two started humping one another against a nearby tree . . .

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And then Elena, left mid-hump to yak up poor Bambi’s mother all over the soft lush grass . . .

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 . . . leaving Stefan with a massive case of THESE . . .

I’m thinking that those formerly terrified bunches of bunnies, birds, and assorted wildlife probably all rushed to tell their furry friends about their run-in with the LAMEST ANIMAL-ATARIAN VAMPIRES OF ALL TIME!

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Elena must be the owner of some seriously strong breath mints.  Because upon returning home from their hunt, she somehow managed to suck face with Stefan, without him having any clue that her stomach contents contained a few less Bambi parts, than they had twenty minutes ago.  Ignorance was bliss for Stefan, who bought a bottle of champagne, so that the two perpetual minors could toast to Elena’s first taste of SUPER raw venison.

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Elena didn’t want to alarm her beau about her new-found weak stomach, so she kept her mouth shut.  Well, except for the sucking face, that is . . .

Unfortunately for Elena, much like undigested deer parts, secrets have an uncanny way of “popping back up,” when you least expect.

“Hi!  I’m April, Jeremy’s destined to die in under four episodes quirky new love interest!”

Hey Fangbangers, I’m going to make a suggestion here.  I know she’s “adorable,” with her big doe eyes, and “quirky” fast talking tendencies.  And it doesn’t hurt that she kind of looks like a slightly younger version of Zooey Deschanel . . .

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 . . . but lets not get too attached to April Young, mmm-kay?  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I liked her!  (I know some fans didn’t.)  It’s just that every time she opened her mouth, I couldn’t stop seeing the words “Won’t Make it to Winter Hiatus” tattooed on her forehead.

Special delivery for APRIL!

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s backtrack to April’s first appearance on the show, which came about sometime around the first ten minutes of the episode.  April has an “adorable” run-in with Matt and Jeremy, because she has “adorably” came back to Mystic Falls High, after her father “adorably,” blew himself up, along with eleven of the communities’ most revered members.

“The roof . . . the roof . . . the roof is on fire.  No, seriously.  . . it’s on fire.”

HUH?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the time your dad is outed as a wackadoo cult leader, who is responsible for the death of dozens, the exact time you should be transferring out of your public school, and . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . hiding under a really big rock?  It’s a good thing April’s adorable.  Otherwise she’d be bait from serious TORTURE.   You know, like some crazy hunter might chop into her, and let the scent of her blood tempt all the monsters in attendance at her dad’s funeral . . .

Because even 170+ year-old vampires can have imaginary friends . . .

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Poor Damon!  It must suck to be repeatedly wrongfully accused of brainwashing a sizeable portion of the town to char-grill themselves into oblivion.

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Though, I must say, you’re not exactly helping your case for “sanity” by saving a seat at the bar for a Man Who Isn’t There . . . or is he?

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By the way, did anybody else get childish glee out of the fact that Elena, in taking the “reserved” seat, basically sat on Imaginary Alaric’s lap?  I bet old school Elenaric Shippers had a field day with that one . . .

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Speaking of shippers having field days . . .

In which Damon lends a very horny helping hand . . .

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Delena fans definitely got their delicious just desserts when a certain newbie vampire confided in the elder Salvatore Brother about her “little digestion problem.”  To me, at least, it makes perfect sense that Elena would turn to Damon over Stefan when she found herself to be a bit lacking in the vampire prowess department.  For one thing, Stefan feels guilty enough having been the cause of Elena’s eternity of vampiredom in the first place, Elena probably didn’t want to make him feel worse, by showing him how sick it was making her.

Secondly, I’ve always gotten the impression that Stefan puts Elena up on a bit of a pedestal, viewing her as almost godlike in her innocence.  That’s got to be a lot of pressure for the doppelganger.  And I think a part of her feels like Stefan would be disappointed in her, if he knew she couldn’t abstain entirely from drinking human blood.

Case in point, recall how much more accepting Stefan was of Caroline’s early baby vampire foibles than he was of Elena’s.  I think that was because Stefan knew Caroline to be a flawed being, in a way he never expected of Elena.

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Now, Damon, on the other hand, is probably the least judgmental guy on this show, probably because he’s such an unapologetic screw-up, in so many ways.  And yet, that’s a big part of his charm . . .

So, of course, Elena’s going to come to Damon when she’s sick, hungry, and horny at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and in desperate need of some HAND SUCK SEX .  . .

This was the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for, since last week’s promos.

And it really was everything I wanted it to be and more.  I loved how Damon noted that, for vampires, the exchange of blood was more personal than sex.  I loved how minutes after the hand sucking began, Damon became so overcome with intense pleasure, he needed to hold on to the wall.

I loved how Damon gently caressed Elena’s hair, during the blood drinking, in a way that was oddly gentle and affectionate, given how raw and intense the exchange seemed to be.

And, perhaps most of all,  loved the way Damon’s eyes rolled back in his head, when the blood drinking reached it’s exciting “climax.”

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Stefan was right to be jealous of this moment, shared between two supposed non-lovers.  It was pretty hard core . . .

Speaking of naughty hands . . .

Coitus interuptus . . .  via handshake?

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You’ve really got to hand it to the editors of this episode.  The way they transitioned from Damon’s and Elena’s metaphoric vampire sex to Tyler’s and Caroline’s actual sex was pretty genius.  Also genius?  The fact that Tyler and Caroline’s sex was literally interrupted by a guy who wanted to shake Tyler’s hand.  (I wonder if he washed it first . . .)

Meet Connor, the Vampire Hunter, and his magically coated fingerless vervain gloves.

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If you’d like to get an idea of how Tyler felt when this hot bald dude shook his hand, imagine those cheesy joy buzzers you get at Halloween shops, and multiply how they feel on your fingertips by about ten thousand . . .

But that’s not all.  Connor wasted no time, before immediately shooting Tyler up with special bullets explicitly designed to kill “regular” vampires on contact.  Ah!  But Tyler is not a regular vampire.  He’s a hybrid.  So, instead of, oh, you know dying, Tyler, quite literally, takes a flying leap out the window and runs away, while Mom looks on, aghast, and a nearly naked Caroline dashes off in hot pursuit . . .

Later at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Jeremy remarks about Connor’s massive arm tattoos, which, oddly enough, Matt can’t see at all . . .

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At first, I thought this was just another one of those “Jeremy sees dead people,” things, except . . . well . . . Connor is very much alive.  Now, I’m thinking that the ink was a secret way that ancient vampire-hunting families, like the Gilbert’s, recognized one another, without blowing their cover to the rest of the world.

Just a thought .  . .

Damon Salvatore . . . Germaphobe?

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Later, at the funeral for Pastor Young and all those other dead wackadoodles . . . well . .  . “memorial” . . . no coffins to bury, because all of the bodies were . . . um . . . cremated . . . perpetual-do-gooder Elena is comforting “adorable” April, when she feels herself starting to blow chunks again.  Girlfriend dashes into the bathroom, where she makes a huge mess, and ruins her clothes just as . . . dun, dun, DUNNNNNN . . . Connor knocks on her bathroom door to see what’s wrong . . .

This sounds like a job for . . . wait for it . . . Damon Salvatore, who Elena calls a second time, for help, while her “boyfriend” is over at Bonnie’s investigating the “special bullets” that shot Tyler.

Just like the BAD ASS MO FO that he is, Damon immediately recognizes Connor intentions and not only refuses to shake his hand, but also manages to get Elena a clean dress and steer her clear of the Big Bad Vampire Killer’s clutches, despite her clearly fragile vampire-in-starvation-mode state . . .

Outside the church, Damon, noting that Elena has now rejected both animal blood and vampire blood, offers her a bag of human blood, which she promptly yaks up as well.  (SO MUCH VOMIT, IN THIS EPISODE!)

I loved the sweetly sexy and emotionally-emotionally charged exchange Damon and Elena shared by the tree, during which Damon looked at Elena with such loving concern, and yet confidently reassured her she wasn’t dying . . . again . . .

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Damon suspected that perhaps Elena’s doppelganger blood was rejecting the transition, and, therefore, Elena could only extract blood from the human vein . . .  Hmmm . . . interesting . . . I’m thinking this is an idea you might want to run by that other doppelganger . . . considering how,  if this is true, she would have experienced the exact same thing . . .

Just a thought . . .

As Elena scampers into the funeral . . . well . . . more like stumbles . . . (This is the second episode in a row, where she’s rocking the deathly pale “looks like sh*t” look . . .  Kudos to the makeup artist for that one) . . . Stefan happens by, just as Damon is pocketing the un-drunk blood bag . . .

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Stefan, of course, is super pissed at his brother for bringing Angel Elena down the PATH OF EVIL . . . So, Damon, in responds “kindly” clues his little brother in, on the fact that, not only is Elena rejecting every source of blood imaginable, he and Elena have also been intimate . . . in the vampire sense.

RUH-ROH!  I smell a Salvatore Smackdown coming on . . .

Worst . . . Funeral . . . EVER!!!

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The first thing Vampire Hunter Connor does, upon entering Pastor Young and Co’s funeral is stab Adorable!April in the tummy repeatedly.  Ummm . ..  Connor . . . I hate to break this to you, but April is NOT A VAMPIRE!  Ahhh . . . but wait . . . Vampire Hunter Connor has more important uses for Adorable!April, i.e. vampire catnip . . .  As her scent wafts through the church floor, all the vampires in attendance are suddenly on edge, none more so, than Elena, who, after trying to speak on Pastor Young’s behalf, loses it, and is carried off the stage by Stefan, as a highly suspicious Connor, watches on from above . . .

In a scene I was actually hoping would happen last week, Matt — whose life had been so easily exchanged for Elena’s by Stefan, in the season finale — offers his own vein up to Elena for a secret funeral drink, which is cleverly disguised as a mournful cuddle.

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And though that solves the immediate problem of Elena’s re-death, it doesn’t get rid of Vampire Hunter Connor, or Adorable!April’s tantalizing bloody smell.  And so, in a surprise move, Tyler, who has already been a target for Connor approaches the stage to say a few words about “taking one for the team” . . .

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 . . . and then, he, quite literally . . . takes one for the team . . . as Connor shoots him again . . . enabling all the other vampires in the room, an easy avenue for escape, as the entire church clears out . . .

This leads Damon to finally have a tussle with Vampire Hunter Connor . . .

It doesn’t go so well . . .

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And Stefan certainly doesn’t help matters by PUNCHING HIS BROTHER IN THE FACE . . .

WAIT!  WHAT?

Oh, yeah . . . that whole Delena SEX blood-sharing thing . . . I almost forgot . . . let’s relive it again, shall we?

Mind Control 101: It works better, if you don’t eat your subject’s brain, before you try to “wash” it.

Caroline’s and Elena’s daring campaign to save Adorable!April runs into a bit of a snag, when Hungry Elena tries to  . . . um . . . eat her . . .

Caroline calmly informs Elena that eating fellow orphans is big NO-NO.

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She instead encourages Elena to try out her new-found compulsion powers on the girl.  Elena somehow musters up the inner strength to do this, without eating April, but her compulsion message leaves a bit to be desired . . .

“It was a beautiful funeral,” Elena says.  “People said really nice things.”

Riiiight . . . because no one in town is ever going to let slip in front of April that her dad’s memorial was broken up by an INSANE GUNMAN!

Poor Adorable!April.  Now, everyone is going to think that, not only is her dad a wackjob, but she’s a moron . . .

Just like the In Memoriam part of the Oscars . . . only with Japanese Lanterns

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After laying into Elena a bit about the whole lying / Damon blood sharing thing, Stefan decides to gather the gang for a poignant . . . “look at all our dead cast members” memoriam using Japanese Lanterns to represent the dead.  It was a beautiful ceremony.  But, of course, just like with the Oscars, some poor dead shlub is always getting left out of the festivities . . .

I’m looking at you Uncle / Father John . . . I was thinking the guy who literally gave up his life for Elena merited at least a mention.  But NOOOOO . . .

Refusing to take part in the festivities is Damon, who, contrary to popular belief, is not actually Japanese . . .

Because even in Heaven, Alaric Saltzman still drinks bourbon straight from the bottle . . .

In what was definitely the fan-favorite moment of the episode, we see Damon sharing a heart-to-heart with Alaric Saltzman’s gravestone, while, unbeknownst to him, Ghost!Alaric listens on with a mixture of comradery and wistful sympathy.

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The scene is really just too beautiful not to post in it’s entirety . . .

And so Damon and Alaric got to share one last bottle of bourbon together from beyond the grave.

And I’m still tearing over it 24 hours later . . .

By the way Alaric’s “birthdate,” at least, according to his tombstone, was February 4, 1976, which is two years older than the actor who played Alaric, and probably about 5 or 6 years older than the character was supposed to be on the show.  It just goes to show you that it’s not only the vampires that are ageless in Mystic Falls . . .

Next week on The Vampire Diaries, more torture of Punching Bag Matt . . . more Damon the Cannibal references . . . oh, and Klaus returns . . .

Oh, and I’m sorry Rebekah.  It looks like Matt Donovan is “just not that into you.”  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The more things change . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 4 Premiere “Growing Pains”

[Worry not, Fangbangers!  Your TVD-cap for Episode 2, “Memorial,” will be up in under 24 hours. Feel free to suck on some hot vampire’s hand, while you’re waiting . . .]

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Don’t feel bad, Elena.  I get grouchy during my “time of month” too . . .

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  I’ve missed you . . .

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After an interminably long hiatus, it’s finally time to sharpen those fangs, and head on back to Mystic Falls .  . . a town where nobody gives two craps what your name is (unless it’s Elena Gilbert, of course), but everybody knows your blood type.

I can’t believe this show is already entering its fourth season!  It seems like only yesterday that Stefan Salvatore compelled his way into Elena Gilbert’s high school history class, and nobody noticed that he looked about 27 . . .

So much has happened since that fateful day.  Practically everyone from the original cast has died .  . . and come back . . . multiple times.

Elena dated Stefan . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan . . .

. . . and then dated Stefan again . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan again.

There were Big Bads . . . and vampire sexcapades . . . and supposedly unbreakable curses that were magically broken by a woman who suffers from severe nosebleeds . . .

And yet, through it all, Stefan remained freaking hungry . . .

Damon stayed snarky (and continued to love taking showers) . . .

Tyler still hated wearing shirts . . .

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Elena judged everyone (but only because she cared) . . .

Caroline kept getting kidnapped . . .

And we still could never figure out what Bonnie was mumbling, during all those ridiculous spells . . .

In a way, “Growing Pains,” is the start of a brand new chapter in TVD-verse.  Elena, who has always been Mystic Falls most vulnerable damsel in distress, has finally become a supernatural creature capable of kicking some serious ass . . .

And yet, when you really stop to think about it, nothing has changed at all . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

To Feed or Not to Feed . . .

The episode begins with Elena waking up in her bedroom, where her two vampire love slaves are hovering over her, looking for signs of life . . . or lack thereof.  Understandably, given the whole “drowning in a car” thing, our leading lady is a bit disoriented and distressed.

Since Elena clearly never watched last season’s TVD finale (nor did she read any of the spoilers for this episode), she has no clue what has happened to her.  This means it’s up to Salvatore Squared to give her the bad news.  In short, Elena has until the end of the day to either feed on human blood, and turn into vampire, or DIE . . . again . . . but for good, this time.

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The fact that Elena is in this situation, because Stefan saved her ex-beau / buddy Matt from the drowning car first, thereby allowing Elena to die with Damon’s vampire blood in her system, is, more or less, brushed over, for the time being.  But we’ll get back to that later.  For now, Elena’s just seriously bummed about the whole, “destined to have pointy teeth, and a sometimes veiny face” thing . . .

But WAIT . . . there may be A CURE!!!  And I bet you’ll NEVER guess who’s going to provide this cure . . .

I’ll give you a hint.  It’s not Dr. Fell . . .

. . . or Sheriff Forbes . . .

. . . it’s not even the happy woodland creatures Stefan consumes on a daily basis.

Nope, the Finder of the Cure is . . . drumroll please . . .

BONNIE BENNETT!

No wonder today’s Mystic Falls weather forecast called for nosebleeds, with a chance of dramatic fainting . . .  It all makes sense now.

There’s a new sheriff in town and he looks a lot like the Evil Priest in every single movie you’ve ever seen containing Evil Priests . . .

Who knew what a proverbial can of worms Bad!Alaric would open up, when he outed all of the town vampires to the supposedly, but not-so-much Vampire Killing Town Council?  Now, this random guy named Pastor Young, who we have never ever heard of, or seen before and will probably never see again . . .

This douche . . .

 . . . is suddenly all over, like a bad rash, firing vampire-friendly locals from their jobs (Sorry Dr. Fell and Sheriff Forbes!), including the MAYOR (?!), and kidnapping pretty much every vampire, who’s name is featured in the opening credits.

Wow . . . this town must be REALLY religious!  Where I come from, the Pastors can barely get their congregations to fill the collection plates, let alone beat-up high school students!

Sigh!  Poor Caroline!  Girlfriend gets kidnapped and tortured on this show, more than she gets laid . . . well . . . on second thought . . .

Also on the kidnapping chopping block is Saint Stefan, and Rebekah-the-Original-Perpetually-Left-Behind . . .

In fact, the only vampires who escaped Pastor Young and Company’s wrath were Damon (well, of course he did!) and Klausi-Tyler.  More on him, in a bit . . .

Newbie Almost-Vamp Elena, the second-most kidnapped person on this show, manages to escape Pastor Young’s wrath, at first.  But it isn’t long before her true fangy colors start to show, i.e. she looks like she’s suffering from the Worst Hangover EVER!   She also hates LAMPS!  I mean, like, REALLY HATES THEM!

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Wouldn’t it have been easier just to hit the light switch?

Elena tries to escape the wrath of Pastor Young, but ultimately gets decked by one of his (kind of hot) henchmen.  Not cool, Hot Henchman . . . not cool at all . . .

But wait!  I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Before Elena’s newfound vampiness led to her undoing, it helped her accomplish the most AWESOME THING EVER . . .

Thanks for the Memories . . .

Ahhh, yes!  It’s the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for . . . the moment when Elena, eternally free from vampire compulsion, finally gets to watch one of my favorite scenes in the history of TVD.  No, I mean, literally, she gets to watch it . . . as in, they replay the entire scene, right in front of Elena . . . in 3D.  It just doesn’t get much better than that folks.

We’ll talk later about how Elena responds to the realization that Damon met her first, and sacrificed her love to Saint Stefan, long before Elena even became consciously aware of his feelings for her.  (Hint: FRUSTRATINGLY!)  But, for now, let’s just bask in the glory that is “The Very First True Declaration of Delena Love” . . .

Speaking of love interrupted . . .

In which Klausi-tyler cockblocks himself . . .

Now, I know a lot of folks out there put-off / disgusted by the concept of Klaus inhabiting Tyler’s body.  But I, for one, was kind of excited about it.  Basically, I was just interested in seeing whether Michael Trevino could pull it off . . .

When we first meet Klausi-Tyler, he’s harassing Bonnie to put him back inside his own body.  This actually surprised, and disappointed, me a little bit.  One would think that a devious villain-type like Klaus could think of all sorts of ways to put Hybrid-Boy’s Buff Body to naughty use.  After all, we all remember how much fun Klaus had being Alaric, back in the day . . .

By comparison, what Klaus ended up doing with Tyler’s body was actually pretty tame. Though, I must admit, I giggled at Klausi-Tyler’s typical teenage reaction to having a mother who actually liked him . . . you know as opposed to his own mother, who tried to wipe his entire race from the face of the Earth . .  .

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When Klausi-Tyler finds out from his mother that Caroline’s been kidnapped, he ambushes the car carrying her and his sister, and stages a dramatic rescue . . . Let me rephrase that . . . he stages a dramatic rescue of Caroline.  It looks like Poor Rebekah is going to have to tough it out with the crazy vampire hating cult for just a bit longer . . .

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Caroline didn’t seem to notice though.  To say the young blonde was appreciative of the man she thought was dead for springing her from the pokey is the understatement of the century . . .

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That’s right, Forwood / Karoline fans, our favorite little Vampire Barbie rode that sexy body snatcher harder than a jockey at the Kentucky Derby . . .

Now, I know what most of you are thinking.  This has gotta be Klausi-Tyler’s dream come true, right?  I mean, hasn’t Klaus been trying to get his “stake” inside Caroline, ever since that fateful day when he made Tyler almost kill her, so that he could save her life?  I mean, we’re not honestly supposed to believe that Klaus drew those pictures of Caroline with the pony just because he’s a “nice guy,” are we?

And yet, moments into the scene Klausi-tyler STOPS Caroline from screwing him, by complaining that he’s using the “wrong equipment,” and by calling her Klaus’ telltale nickname, “Love.”

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I’m confused.  “Wrong equipment?”  What exactly does Klaus think Tyler has between his legs . . . a baseball bat . . . a vajayjay? Seriously!

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I don’t know.  I just find it hard to believe that Klaus, the same guy who’s killed his parents and siblings multiple times over was simply too “honorable” to pork Caroline under false pretenses . . .

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And Caroline . . . since when has she become so perceptive, that she could ferret out a body snatcher through the use of a single word?  In the finale, Klausi-tyler made an entire cheesy speech about how glorious life is, that Tyler wouldn’t be caught dead uttering.  And Caroline didn’t suspect a thing!

Meanwhile, back in the “witch” portion of our program . . .

Mumble, mumble, nosebleed, mumble . . .

Blah, de blah, dark magic, blah . . . Bonnie is busy trying to kill herself, so that she could bring Elena’s human soul back from the great beyond.  Jeremy, who’s soul purpose lately, has been to hold Bonnie’s hands, and look mildly concerned, while she does this, is dubious.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, JerBear HATES vampires, and certainly doesn’t want his sister to become one.

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But all those bloody noses!  Gross!  Surely, there must be another way . . . right?

Meanwhile, back at the cattle farm, where Crazy Vampire Cult is storing our main characters . . . no I’m not joking about this . . . they really used a cattle farm . . .

Stefan and Elena are declaring their undying love for one another through jail bars, while Elena death rattles dramatically, having not fed on blood for nearly a day now.  In a nearby cell Rebekah watches the lovebirds, alternating between nauseated annoyance, and jealousy that nobody seems willing to tell Rebekah how awesome SHE is, even when she’s looking like total crap . . .

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Suddenly, DarkMagic!Bonnie appears in the cell, and grabs Elena’s hand, ready to save the day, once again.  Until her grandma randomly pops up (remember her?), and tells her dark magic is WRONG!

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So, Bonnie just leaves . . .

Damn!  You mean to tell me, I had to watch all those disgusting nosebleeds for nothing?  I’m pissed . . .

Back in her hole and under duress, Bonnie calls upon dark magic again to put Klaus and Tyler back in their own bodies . . . even though we were led to believe that the only reason Klaus was in Tyler’s body, in the first place, was that his was burned to a crisp, in the season finale.

Of course, grandma is pissed again . . .

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“Sorry Grams!  It’s been two whole seasons since I accidentally killed you, while servicing vampires.  Time to pay the piper . . .”

But then the dark magic takes her soul, so we don’t have to listen to her lectures anymore.  Sorry Bonnie!  It looks like you’re going to be eternally cursed, DESPITE having doomed Elena to a life of either death or vampirism . . . Oh well!  Can’t win em all . . .

But hey, at least the British guy is back in his own body.  I was really missing that delicious accent . . .

Blood . . . it’s finger-licking good . . .

Back at Vampire Alcatraz, Damon is storming the gates outside, using Whipping Boy Matt as bait.

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You see, Damon’s been playing a bit of the blame game with Matt for the whole “surviving” when Elena didn’t thing . . . which, I guess is a sort of reversal on the whole concept of “survivor’s guilt.”

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Inside the jail, Hot Henchman has his hands full with Stefan and Rebekah, who have decided to join forces and go on the attack.  Sorry, Hot Henchman, it looks like your destined to become Elena Food.  Not a bad idea, Stefan and Rebekah . . . but couldn’t you have killed Hot Henchman closer to Elena’s cell?  Poor dying girlfriend, had to practically pry the bars open with her hands, just to get a taste off of the dirty cattle poop floor.  (FIVE SECOND RULE!)

But taste she did . . .

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Mmmm . . . tastes like a dead guest star . . .

It was a scene that was both beautifully shot, and painful to watch at the same time.  And, while I understand how ultimately Elena’s vampire instincts kicked in, and played a role in her choice, I would have liked to see her struggle just a bit more with her ultimate decision, especially considering how dead-set against becoming a vampire she’s been, since day 1 . . . so much so, that she’s, multiple times, chosen death over sprouting fangs . . .

In the very next scene, Damon, who has disposed of his own “Hot Henchman,” is about to kill a rather pathetic looking Matt for having the audacity to be saved first, when this happens . . .

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“Great.  Now it’s official.  All of my ex-girlfriends can kick my ass.”

Don’t ask me how Elena got out of her cell . . . just go with it OK.

It looks like Mystic Falls has a new damsel in distress, and it’s not Elena.

But back to Elena, she and Damon have a bit of a heart-to-heart about those precious compulsion memories we saw her regaining earlier on in the hour.  She now knows she met him first . . . that he sacrificed his love for her . . . that he’d always put her life before anyone elses . . . especially Matt and Bonnie . . . that if Damon had been on that bridge on that fateful night, she wouldn’t have ever had to make the choice to become a vampire . . .

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And she doesn’t give a sh*t . . .

Wait . . . that’s a bit harsh . . . For the record, I do think Elena was touched by the memories she regained about Damon.  And I do think that they’ve changed the way she views him, and feels about him.  But, for now, too much in her life has changed, for her to suddenly swap Salvatore Brothers too.

So, for now, Elena commits herself to Stefan . . . the guy who always respects her choices . . . no matter how stupid they might be . . .

Sibling Stakery . . .

Back at Klaus house, Rebekah is mad hurt at her brother for  leaving her to rot in cow jail with the World’s Most Nauseatingly Sweet Couple.  When she tells him that, through the centuries, she has truly been the only one to support him through thick and thin, she has a point.

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And I think her words really do touch Klaus’ heart, in a way he wasn’t quite expecting . . .

But then she uses Klaus’ last vials of Elena’s hybrid making blood as spray cans, and all bets are off . . .

He stakes her ass . . . well . . . actually he stakes her back . . . but, you know what I mean . . .

So much for brotherly love . . .

Now, that I wasn’t expecting . . .

Elsewhere, in Cult-Hate-a-Vampire, Pastor Young declares a “new beginning” to his followers quest to end vampirism, seconds before he blows up himself and all his minions, with a lit match and some gas . . .

“Oooh, fire pretty . . .”

Wait, WHAT?

Welcome to the world of underwhelming “Big Bads,” who die, after just one episode, Pastor Young . . .

And they all live bloodily ever after . . .

Back on the rooftop, Elena and Stefan are having a “moment,” that’s highly reminiscent of all those sweetly sappy scenes they shared together, in early Season 1 . . . you know, back before the series got really good.   They just WUV eachother so much . . . and Elena is suddenly thrilled with the idea of spending an eternity with Stefan, even if she has to eat people, in order to do it.

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Yes, Elena has chosen Stefan.  Klaus has chosen himself.  Caroline has chosen Tyler.  Bonnie has chosen to bloody her nose.  And Damon, well he’s understandably pissed off about the whole thing . . .

The more things change, the more they stay the same . . .

Next week on TVD, Elena learns about the joys of vampire sex, cannibalism, and making out with Damon Salvatore’s hand . . .

Something tells me I’m going to like next week’s episode way more than I liked this one . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Vampire Diaries Bites into Comic Con 2010! (a.k.a. The post where I totally geek out over The Vampire Diaries)

Paul Wesley, Nina Dobrev, and Ian Somerhalder signing autographs at Comic Con 2010!

Yesterday, July 24th, at 4:15 P.M. PST, the cast of The Vampire Diaries literally took Comic Con 2010 by its teeth (fangs?), during a 45-minute panel session.  This kickass panel included:

 (1) a insightful Q&A session with the shows stars, producers, and writers;

(2) a “sizzle reel” featuring the hottest moments from the show’s first season;

 (3) a blooper reel, where the cast discovers the wonders of “gonorrhea” and Nina Dobrev falls on her bum in a fancy dress; and

 (4) EXCLUSIVE scenes from the show’s Season 2 premiere, entitled “The Return,” which is set to air on the CW on Thursday, September 9th at 8 p.m.

Nina Dobrev writes “Team Katherine” on Ian Somerhalder’s hand.  OMG!  These two are SO doing it!

AGAIN . . . I wasn’t there.

HOWEVER, thanks to a little help from my friends, most notably the ALWAYS AWESOME Amy over at imaginarymen (who seriously deserves an award for Fangirl Sleuthing Excellence), I’ve managed to gather quite a bit of fabulous intel about the event, including video clips and pictures galore! 

 But first:  THE SWAG!  To promote the upcoming season, the CW offered attendees of The Vampire Diaries panel, THIS:

How cool is that?  Honestly, I would cut off the fingers on my right hand to get that bag  (I’m a lefty, of course.)

On second thought  . . . maybe not . . . Eww! 

 (Please, don’t take me up on that offer, Vampire Katherine.)

As if that bag wasn’t enough, patrons at the hotel where the conference was taking place, arrived at their respective rooms to find THIS on their door . . .

Adorable . . . but a bit misleading.  Imagine getting a knock at your door, and THINKING it’s going to be the enchanting Ian Somerhalder, only to find out that its ACTUALLY a 300-pound maid named Rosa, bringing those extra towels you asked for.  That would seriously BITE!  (No pun intended).

Misleading or not, the door knocker provides some handy tips on how to view a sneak peek at The Vampire Diaries gag reel, which will be featured on the show’s Season 1 DVD.  That DVD won’t be released on August 31, 2010, but it’s available now for pre-order.  Fortunately, YOU don’t have to go through the trouble of going to the website and entering the code provided, because I have the video for you RIGHT HERE!

As for the ACTUAL panel event, it featured all of our favorite TVD stars!  In attendance at Comic Con were . . . wait . . . Why would I TELL you, when I can SHOW you!

Unfortuately, they haven’t posted the entire panel session in its entirety on YouTube yet.  However, you can catch a good ten minutes of it here and get a nice play-by-play, courtesy of the folks from E! Online and Give Me My Remote, here.

But just in case you DON’T have that kind of time on your hands, feel free to just sit back and watch my FAVORITE part of the panel, namely, where Ian Somerhalder talks about his FAVORITE Damon Salvatore Scene (which, also, just so happens to be mine . . .)

And just in case you FORGOT what that scene LOOKED LIKE . . .

You’re welcome!

Then, when it was all over, fans were treated to exclusive clips from the Season 2 premiere episode, “The Return.”  Notable scenes from the clip reel included . . .

[SPOILER ALERT, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW . . .]

(1) Vampire Katherine girlfighting with Witch Bonnie;

(2) Damon telling Stefan that he kissed Elena (complete with kissing noises to demonstrate how it all went down);

(3) Vampire Katherine making out with Damon and then telling him that SHE NEVER LOVED HIM; 

(4) Vampire Katherine telling Stefan she came back FOR HIM;

(5) Stefan telling Vampire Katherine he HATES HER; and

(6) Vampire Katherine staking Stefan in the stomach. 

Can you say, AWESOME!

Unfortunately, Amy and I were only able to find one video of this clip reel on YouTube.  And this one is maddeningly “Shaky Cam”-tastic.  For a second there, I thought I was watching Blair Witch Project or Paranormal Activity.  But hey, it’s better than nothing, right?

If all this talk about Comic- Con 2010 hasn’t quenched your thirst for The Vampire Diaries,  fear not, because there’s going to be a BOOK (well, a magazine)!  As it turns out, this week’s issue of TV Guide is honoring the event with FOUR exclusive covers, featuring FOUR different “Comic Con”-ed shows, one of which is . . .  wait for it . . . THE VAMPIRE DIARIES!

In addition to the super hot cover, and some sexy photos of the cast (like THIS one) . . .

 . . . the magazine will also feature a “Family Tree,” illustrating the various and complicated relationships between all of The Vampire Diaries’ characters.

Pick THIS up at your local grocery store, ASAP!  (I know I will . . .)

Did I mention that BOTH Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev are EXPERT Tweeters?

Get info on the show straight from their SEXY mouths (or . . . SEXY computers . . . whatever) on Twitter.com.  Click here for Ian, and here for Nina.

That’s all I’ve got for now, but before I leave you, please accept my parting gifts . . .

See you September 9th!