It’s probably no secret that True Blood and I are on a bit of a “break” in our relationship. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we still see one another, every Sunday night . . .
But, lately, it’s become more out of habit than anything else. Basically, I think we’ve both come to the conclusion that the spark in our relationship has fizzled a bit. We’ve even started seeing other people shows . . .
Now, lest you think I’m a total sour fangbanger, I will say that the past few episodes of True Blood have been fairly decent. And yet, with only one episode left in the season, I feel like this may just be a case of “too little, too late.”
However . . .
I don’t give up on my friends and my lovers. And I definitely don’t give up on my once-favorite television shows. The truth of the matter is, I still think True Blood can be saved!
A few weeks back, I suggested a few possible spinoffs for the show, that might re-energize the franchise. This week, I’m focusing on the show, itself. So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you, my seven (and a half) step foolproof plan to make True Blood fangtastic, once again . . .
The folks of Bon Temps definitely know how to tell a great story. Over the past few years, we’ve had a few really great plotlines that will forever remind me of why I fell in love with this show, in the first place. Who could forget Season 1’s Sexy Serial Killer?
And let us not forget Season 3’s “Mississippi Vampire King Delivers the News” . . .
Like its predecessors, Season 5 has also had its share of solid storylines. For example, I’ve been genuinely enjoying Tara Thornton’s and Steve Newlin’s parallel transitions into “good new vampire” and “bad new vampire,” respectively.
And Vampire Pam has positively killed it this season (no pun intended), with her kickass “origins” story, her heartbreaking (hopefully temporary) separation from Eric, and her surprisingly heartwarming acceptance of her responsibilities as Tara’s maker.
Speaking of Eric, I’ve also really enjoyed seeing a genuine soft side to the Viking Vampire (as opposed to the artificial, highly disconcerting “manchild” soft side we got during the Amnesia!Eric Days, last season), as he struggles with his faith, his feelings toward his Maker and Progeny, and his strong desire to save the soul of his “sister” Nora.
The problem is that these are just four of about twelve different storylines that have been jam-packed into this season. Now, sure, the idea of every single cast member getting his or her own extended backstory / plotline is good, in theory. But it’s simply not workable for a twelve-episode season. I mean, honestly, did we REALLY need to spend eight episodes on the Big Bad Battle between Terri and Noel from Felicity versus The Smoke Monster from Lost 2: Electric Boogaloo?
And what about that bizarro Shifter Killers in Obama Masks storyline . . . you know, the one that was largely comprised of roughly ten characters we have never seen before, and will likely never see again? In a 22 or 24 episode season the existence of these sideplots wouldn’t have mattered so much. But in a cable-sized season, they took significant time away from stories and characters we genuinely care about.
So, in conclusion, when it comes to storylines, less is more. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that some of the best seasons of True Blood were also the ones with the least storylines. Season 1 managed to rope all of its characters into a single Serial Killer plotline. And Season 2 did the same with thing with two plotlines. As a rule of thumb, the more core characters you can incorporate into your story, the more invested your viewers will be in that story. This, of course, leads me to . . .
2) Don’t split up your core cast members
The majority of this season found Sookie, Jason, Pam and Tara slumming it in Bon Temps, while their co-stars, Eric and Bill, schmoozed it up with those uber snooty (not to mention, snoozy) Authority folk. Now, whether you happen to be Team Eric or Team Bill, TEAM ERIC! TEAM ERIC! TEAM ERIC! as a fan, this had to dust your doilies a little bit.
Now, I’m not even lodging this complaint from a shipper / romance perspective. I’m simply talking about basic logistics. Having your most popular characters interact with one another on a regular basis, is something fans LIKE TO SEE. After all, back in Season 1, we signed on for a show about a spunky Southern Waitress, interacting with Sexy Vampires.
Not a Spunky Southern Waitress traipsing around with nameless fairies, while the Sexy Vampires are doing their own thing, Somewhere ELSE . . .
Just sayin . . .
3) Choose an Interesting and Charismatic Big Bad
Over the years, True Blood has had some stellar super villains. There was the elusive Rene Lenier in season 1 . . .
Initially, Season 5 of True Blood seemed to have the right idea. Bringing back that zany religious nutbar Steve Newlin? And as a VAMPIRE, no less? Then, pairing him with Russell Edgington, for a dynamic (and surprisingly likeable) evil duo? How could this plan NOT succeed?
And, to some extent, it did succeed . . . Russell’s and Steve’s scenes together comprise some of the most enjoyable, hilarious moments of this entire series.
So, what’s the problem, then? All those OTHER lame villains, who have also been thrown into the mix, starting with . . . WAIT FOR IT . . . That Gross Red Lady, Lilith . . .
I mean, honestly, aside from that extremely small population of men who get turned on by women coated in chunky tomato sauce, with voices like drag queens, who exactly is the audience for this kind of character? I mean, doesn’t say much, so she’s not exactly funny or smart. The fact that she may or may not be real, makes her not particularly scary. And the fact that she seems to get everyone else to do her dirty work, while she just stands there and stares at the camera, makes her flat out LAZY!
The same can pretty much be said for her minion, Salome, who, at least is a bit nicer to look at, but pretty much bores me to tears, every time she is on screen.
What bothers me so much about this flaw in Season 5, is that it was entirely unnecessary! We had two perfectly good villains, who were more than capable of carrying the show on their own.
One of my favorite things about True Blood, was that the show could always be counted on to bring the SASSY. Back in Season 1, Pam, Tara and Lafayette comprised the Triumvirate of Sass. These three could always be counted on to have the perfect zinger for just about every wacky situation on the show. Here are just a few of their highlights . . .
But then somewhere in the middle of the series Pam got quiet, Tara got whiny, and Lafayette (when he wasn’t getting kidnapped, or crying about something) was getting possessed way too often by people who were way less sassy then himself.
Somewhere in the middle of this recent season however, Pam, Tara, and Lafayette all managed to simultaneously get their respective grooves back. Now, that has been a joy to watch!
So, in the future, TB writers. Let’s keep the Triumvirate of Sass doing what they do best, BEING SASSY. And please, for the love of all that is holy, NO MORE POSSESSIONS . . . EVER!
5) The books are GOOD! (Well, at least the first seven were . . . ) USE THEM!
By now, it’s certainly no secret, even to the most casual True Blood fan that the television series is based on a collection of books called the Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries, written by the author, Charlaine Harris. Up until this year, each season of True Blood could be mapped directly to a Sookie Stackhouse Book. Season 1 of True Blood loosely followed, Book 1 of the Series, Dead Until Dark. Season 2 followed Book 2, Living Dead in Dallas, and so on . . .
Following along with a popular book series, was a win-win proposition for True Blood. Fans of the books enjoyed seeing their favorite characters come to life on the small screen. And while these book readers knew the basic structure of the season’s plot line, there were always little surprises thrown into the series, to keep them on their toes. Like, for example, there was that time that a character who died early in the books (Lafayette), shockingly survived in the series. And then, there was that other character (Jason), who turned into a shifter in the books, but stayed human in the series. Book fans were also able to enjoy the addition into the television series of a few original plotlines which, while they didn’t actually take place in the context of the books, still seemed to consistent enough with the overall narrative of the story, that they conceivably COULD have happened, in the novel’s “deleted scenes.”
Then Season 5 came, and it suddenly felt as though the books never existed . . .
Now, I know . . . I know . . . the show is NOT meant the same as the books. And True Blood writers are obviously well within their rights to develop original plotlines for these characters in the context of the show. On the other hand, there are still a couple of excellent plotlines from the books that it would almost be a shame not to use in the series. I mainly referring to the AWESOME World Vampire Conference in Book 7, and the very intriguing mystery of what happened to Sookie’s cousin Hadley, in Book 6 . . .
Basing the True Blood Seasons around particular books, helped the writers give this show consistency, structure, and balance, which brings me to . . .
7) Maintain a healthy balance between camp and horror
True Blood still remains one of the few shows out there that can make things like brutal stabbings, and bloody murder FUNNY.
Part of the reason for this is that the show, its actors, and its writers never took themselves too seriously. By inserting moments of “meta” self awareness, and slapstick hilarity, into even its most gruesome sequences, early True Blood episodes successfully towed the line between comedy and horror, without being totally offensive or tasteless.
Then came this season . . . and that vampire that eats little kids and babies . . . Now, call me prude, but there’s just no way I can find that funny. In fact, I have trouble finding any portion of the Vampire Authority Storyline (with the exception of the scenes including Russell and Steve) funny . . .
Maybe it’s because those stuffy, Lilith-loving politicians are always so gosh darn serious all the time!
So, in conclusion, for next season, I suggest, more CAMP . . . less politics / baby eaters. KAPEESH?
And finally . . . last, but certainly not least . . .
7.5) Less naked Lilith and Luna, more naked Eric / Alcide / and Jason!
I think this one is pretty much, self-explanatory. Don’t you?
So, there you have it, 7.5 surefire ways to keep True Blood Fangtastic for Season 6. Any questions?
[Attention Werebangers! The recap for this week’s Teen Wolf episode, Party Guessed, should be up by early this evening, July 25th. Sorry for the delay!]
Greetings, Fangbangers! Some of you might have noticed that I’ve been a wee bit (OK, a LOT BIT) less prolific, of late, when it comes to recapping, and fangirling over a certain vampire-themed HBO show. Part of that has to do with time constraints and “personal issues,” which I suspect none of you give two licks about.
The other part, though, has to do with a certain recent, shall I say,”cooling off” in my love affair with True Blood?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a card-carrying Fangbanger. I still get all gooey over the prospect of neck nibbles, sexy glamour sessions, supernatural sex, and, let’s not forget, the always enticing-opportunity for a bare ass sighting from Ryan Kwanten, Alexander Skarsgard, and/or Joe Manganiello.
It’s just that . . . well . . . parts of this season of True Blood have been a tad . . . underwhelming.
Like, for example, that “lfrite” storyline! I liked it better when it was on Lost and called “The Black Smoke Monster.” Every time it appears on my screen, I find myself thinking, “What the “lfrite” are the writers doing taking time away from a prospective Naked Eric Money Shot to show me this crap?
And don’t even get me started on the whole “Lafayette is possessed . . . AGAIN” thing . . .
Perhaps, the problem with this season of True Blood simply boils down to “too much of a good thing.” With so many widely varying storylines, it’s difficult, as a viewer, to become truly invested in ANY of them, let alone ALL of them.
That’s why, here at TV Recapper’s Anonymous, we’ve come up with a solution to True Blood‘s “excess pounds” problem. In short, we’ve decided to put True Blood on a character (and storyline) “diet,” by spinning off Bon Temps’ most promising supporting cast members into series of their own. What follows are five prospective True Blood spinoffs, we think could actually work . . .
Spinoff 1: Fangtasia
Starring: Kristen Bauer as Vampire Pam, Rutina Wesley as Tara Thornton, Tara Buck as Screaming Ginger, and Jim Parrack as Goofy Fangbanging Hoyt Fortenberry (with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Alexander Skarsgard, as Viking Vampire Eric Northman)
Tagline: “Because you wanna go where no one gives a sh*t what your name is, but everyone knows your blood type.”
Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Let’s face it, everybody loves Pam. She’s got the perfect mixture of calculating coolness, snarky one-liners, and lethal killer instincts to carry her own series. For me, she embodies what True Blood used to be: sexy, dark, violent, funny, and FUN!
And I can’t believe I’m saying this, especially given all the flack I’ve given the Tara character over the years for being whiny and annoying, but Pam’s and Tara’s newfound progeny / maker relationship is one of the high points of this season.
A series starring these two could really explore this twisted version of the accidental mother / damaged rebellious child story, in all its hilariously angsty glory.
Plus, let’s not forget the bar, itself. True Blood has spent a lot of screen time at Merlotte’s these past few seasons. And, don’t get me wrong, that’s great! But I can’t help but feel like Fangtasia has been treated like the red-headed vampire stepchild in all this.
I want to learn more about this cool, yet, at the same time, tacky in its commercialism, fangbanging establishment. What are the other vampires like who who work there: the waiters, the bartenders, the bouncers, the “exotic dancers?” Do only tourists frequent the place, or does it cater to a certain more “regular” clientele? And, perhaps, most importantly, doesn’t Ginger ever lose her voice from all that screaming?
Spinoff 2: CSI – Bon Temps
Starring: Chris Bauer as Andy Bellefleur, Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse
Tagline: “Because investigating human crimes is for pussies!”
Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Who doesn’t enjoy a good crime procedural show? OK, I’ll admit it. I don’t . . . at least, not usually.
But think of all the really gnarly crime possibilities that might exist, when you aren’t limited to the “natural world.” Vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, witches, lfrites, fairies, maenads . . . these are some killers, who could really f*&k you, if they’re having a bad day.
And yet, even viewing really grotesque bloody human remains week, after week, would start to lose its luster, after four of five episodes, without some really solid characters to back it up. That’s where Andy and Jason come in!
These two have the ultimate buddy cop bromance going on! Chris Bauer is perfection as the old-school jaded cop, with a secret soft spot for his rookie partner.
And as for Ryan Kwanten’s Jason, well, we all know he’s the perfect man child, one who’s never afraid to bring the funny at his own expense. He’s also not afraid to show some skin, which, of course would be a requirement for his character, at least twice each episode.
Spinoff 3: Kid Wolf
Starring: Chloe Noelle as Mini Wolf Emma Garza, a bunch of other adorable child stars, with Sam Trammell, as doting foster dad, Sam Merlotte, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Joe Manganiello, as Sam Merlotte’s (always shirtless) handyman, and Emma’s “Werewolf Advisor”
Tagline: “She’d play well with others, if she could just stop biting their heads off first . . .”
Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Up until recently, when most of us thought of True Blood the first thing that came to mind wasn’t usually “family-friendly kid show.” That was before this . . .
I mean, seriously, it’s so cute, it’s almost nauseating! I’m thinking a sitcom about a seemingly normal orphaned school girl (Yeah, I killed off Luna. Got a problem with that?) . . .
. . . who, along with her adoring stepdad, is forced tohide a “deep dark secret”: She occasionally morphs into a werewolf.
This could make seemingly “normal” little kid things, like snack time, gym class, ballet lessons, birthday parties, and Show-and-Tell time more than a bit complicated . . . but still “adorable,” of course . . .
Well . . . half of this picture is adorable.
We’re thinking a sitcom for this one . . .
Spinoff #4: A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating . . .
Starring: Deborah Ann Woll as Vampire Jessica and a bunch of other 20-something hot actress ingenues, as as her sassy gaggle of vampire and human friends, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Ryan Kwanten as ex-boyfriend / friend-with-benefits, Jason Stackhouse, and Stephen Moyer as doting Vampire Dad, Bill Compton . . .
Tagline: Because being single can suck, whether you’re undead or not . . .
Why we think it might work as a standalone series: Since entering the True Blood character lexicon, late in Season 2, not only has Vampire Jessica become a Bon Temps’ mainstay, she’s also become a favorite among fans, both male and female.
In fact, the character has become so popular, she’s even started her own blog and video series on the perks of being a perpetually young female vampire.
The thing is, we think Vampire Jessica’s video series has the potential to be more than just a blog. And why not? It’s awesome! It’ gets hundreds of thousands of viewers each week, and tons of commenters, all of whom talk to Jessica like she’s a Real Person with Real Problems.
Now, some of you might be thinking . . .dating show = chick show = Sex and the City with Vampires = no thank you.
But I think A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating could appeal to a much wider audience. I mean, think about it, hot girls . . . hot guys . . . humor . . . LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX . . . BITING . . . what’s not to love?
And finally . . .
Spinoff #5 – Steven Newlin, GVA (Gay Vampire American)
Starring: Michael McMillan as Steve Newlin. DUH!
Tagline: “Being a religious cult leader bites! So, now he’s coming out . . . of the coffin.”
Why we think it would work as a series: You guys remember, Steve, right? You know, that wackadoo religious cult leader, with the hot wife, who tried to shoot Jason in the head, and almost blew up Eric Northman, and all his vampire friends?
Yeah, not exactly the kind of guy you’d want to bring along to your raging keg party. Of course, that was before some wise soul decided to turn ole Steve-o into the Most Awesome Vampire Ever!
Now, the former religious nutbar is a Bill Cosby-sweater wearing, nerdy dancing, Jason Stackhouse-loving, gay ball of fun.
And I (no, not “we” this time, just “me”) want him to have a show of his very own? Got a problem with that?
I didn’t think so . . .
So, there you have it, five True Blood spinoffs I might enjoy watching more than Season Five. What would you rather watch?
I watch True Blood for the . . . um . . . plot . . . seriously.
Hola, Fangbangers! This week on True Blood was all about “The Makers.” We got to learn a bit more about who our characters “came from” (both literally and figuratively), and how those origins helped shape them into the people they are today.
Man, would I like to be the one who MADE that . . .
Did I mention this episode also involved a whole lotta sex and tight black leather?
Let’s review, shall we?
In which we learn why vampires should never work for AAA . . .
We open our episode with Super Cranky Vampire Tara, who, like any good samaritan, has just stopped on the side of the road, to help a neighbor fix a flat tire. And by “help a neighbor fix a flat tire,” I actually mean “eat a neighbor, who has a flat tire.”
But then Tara suffers a little crisis of conscience, and decides to hold off on her yummy female meal.
“Hey, does this mean you aren’t going to help me with my car?”
Instead, she heads off to visit her good pal and former f*&k buddy Sam. So, she can drink him out of house and True Blood, and take a nap in Merlotte’s meat locker at day break. Talk about a rude house guest!
But hey, at least she didn’t eat her host. So, I guess that’s a start . . .
Speaking of hosts . . .
In which the New Nan Flanagan is about 85,000 times better than the Old One . . .
It looks like the authority has itself a NEW Nan Flanagan. And HE is AWESOME!
Here’s hoping that at least a few of Steve’s Vampire Spokesperson “Russell Edgington is dead, except not really” TV interviews involve DANCING . . .
Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .
In which Pam gets fingered by Sookie . . .
Sookie wants Pam to find her MIA new progeny Tara, and teach her the ways of the Vampire World.
Pam would rather pluck her eyes out with tweezers or eat shoes than spend any more time with Tara, than the time she already spent huddled next to her in a grave wearing a Walmart sweat outfit.
Can you blame her?
Pam basically tells Sookie to take her new vampire pal and shove her up her ass. Sookie doesn’t like that too much, so she gives Pam a little fairy finger action.
In which Eric and Bill have some S&M fun with Mac from Veronica Mars . . .
After much debate (and a little whining from that twerpy vampire kid), Rowan and his “Authoritayyyy” have decided to give Eric and Beeel another chance at life, provided they exterminate the Big Bad Russell E.
Somehow, this “other chance at life” involves them wearing leather diapers, courtesy of the chick who played Mac on Veronica Mars.
Who says True Blood never teaches you anything? This week on True Blood we learned the real story behind the biblical figure Salome, best known for doing a slutty dance, and asking for some guy’s head on a platter.
Now, apparently, she’s a vampire who gets to have sex with Alex Skarsgard, Christopher Meloni, and Stephen Moyer in the course of a single episode.
Vampire Jess is out dress shopping, when she comes upon a mysterious man with blood that smells “awesome.”
Without passing Go, or paying for her store merchandise, a totally turned on Jess chases Mr. Goodblood (who is most likely none other than Everyone’s Favorite Fairy Claude) across the forest. Unfortunately, for her, he gets away before she can ravage him with her nose and teeth. (Dude MUST be gay!)
Ladies love Jason Stackhouse . . . Cats . . . not so much.
Poor Jason! Who knew the real reason he became such a man whore was that some lonely cat lady teacher seduced him, back during his pre-pubescent years?
(Not that we can really blame her.)
Jason runs into the very woman who supposedly “taught him everything he knows about sex” (And for that I say, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADY!”) at the grocery store.
They quickly head back to her place for a little “high school reunion.”
But then Jason decides that meaningless sex is bad.
BOO!
So, when Horny Jess pops by to see him, he denies her the goods. But because Jess is a pal, she decides to stick around anyway, just for the “company and conversation.” Riiiiiight . . . because that’s gonna last.
In other Stackhouse news . . .
In which everybody is pissed at Sookie . . .
So remember back to last season, when everyone just looooved Sookie, and her fairy vajayjay.
Also, Pam’s pissed at Sookie for that whole Fairy Finger Thing. Lafayette’s so pissed at Sookie, his demon other half almost bleaches the gumbo. And Alcide’s pissed at Sookie when he finds out she killed his wacked out Trailer Trash Ex and lied about for weeks . . .
Better learn how to play Solitaire, Sookie, because it doesn’t look like you are going to be sitting at the Popular Table, anymore . . .
And now for the absolute best part of the episode . . .
In which we learn how Pam was made . . .
In a continuation of last week’s Bordello of Blood flashback, we learn that the gentlemanly Vampire Eric rescued Madam Pam and her Happy Whores from TWO EVIL VAMPIRES, who were literally sucking the establishment dry.
It looks like someone’s Maker hasn’t taught her progeny much in the way of manners. Pam, of course, is extremely grateful for Eric’s heroic efforts, and responds in kind.
. . . and Pam has set hers in stone. She wants to be a vampire, and walk the world with Eric for all Eternity. (Wouldn’t you?)
Pam explains how getting old in her industry is a fate worse than death. Eric sympathizes, but isn’t quite ready for the commitment, or the responsibility of being someone’s Maker. It’s a title he takes VERY seriously.
So, Pam decides to take matters into her own hands . . . literally.
And the rest is vampire history . . .
Now, it’s Pam’s turn to play Maker. Will she rise to the occasion like a certain Viking Vamp?
In which Tara is a “stupid b*tch”
The episode ends with Cranky Vampire Tara heading to, where else, but a Tanning Salon, in hopes of fake baking herself to death.
Love. There are so many ways to show you care. Some people show they love you by cooking you a nice meal, or holding you, after you’ve had a rough day.
Others show they love you, by screwing you senseless, or taping mouth shut with duct tape, or crawling into a grave with you, while wearing a really ugly yellow Walmart sweat outfit.
And then there are those who show they love you by eating your carcass, after you die.
It’s all kind of romantic, when you really think about it.
Yes, Fangbangers. This week’s season five premiere of True Blood was just filled with the “L” word . . . and also a whole lot of blood, guts, and misplaced bodyparts. Just how we like it. Let’s review, shall we?
The Super Snatch of Sookie Stackhouse
We begin our story, literally seconds from where Season 4 ended. Half of Tara’s brain is oozing out on the floor, as is one of Trailer Trash Debbie’s teeth, as well as other assorted bits of Trailer Trash Debbie.
Speaking of vampires, one has just made a house call. It’s Pam, fresh off her rejection by her Maker, Eric. (There are still bloody tears in her eyes.)
Sookie’s ready to tell her to skedaddle. (After all, she has some deep kitchen cleaning to do . . . again.). But Lafayette has other plans. “Turn her!” Lafayette demands, referring to the brainless wonder lying on the floor beneath him.
“But everybody hates Tara HATES vampires,” says Sookie and . . . well . . . everyone watching at home.
Nevertheless, if Lafayette has to choose between having a self-loathing vampire for a cousin, and worm food for a cousin, he’s going to choose the former. And Sookie, who LOOOOOOOVES vampires, doesn’t take much convincing to follow suit. “I’ll owe you one,” Sookie offers brightly.
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you feel about Tara), Vampire Pam is desperate enough to get back into her Maker’s good graces to play Let’s Make a Deal. The sassy vampire gets Sookie to promise to use her magical vaginal powers to smooth things over between Pam and Eric, as well as to perform for Pam an additional, as of yet, unmentioned favor at some unspecified time in the future.
Sookie seems skeptical at first, but ultimately agrees . . . you know because “TARRRRRRAAAAA” is the most important person in her life right now . . . after “BEEEEEEEEEEEL,” and “ERRRRRRIIIIC” and “JASOOOOOOOON.”
Next thing you know, Vampire Pam is squatting in the dirt next to the highly odorous, Brain-Flaps-A Lot-Dead Tara. I should note that the former is dressed in the ugliest sweatshirt I have ever seen in my entire life. (I’m sincerely hoping that belonged to Grams, not Sookie. But given some of the outfits we’ve seen Sookie wear these past few years, you can never be too sure.)
Sookie thinks Vampire Pam and Head-Like-a-Half-Chewed-Chocolate-Chip-Cookie Tara should spoon in the grave, to instill maker-progeny bonding or something. But Vampire Pam isn’t having it. Wearing an ugly grandma sweatshirt, and becoming eternal mom to her mortal enemy is more than enough sacrifice for one day, as far as Pam is concerned.
Shrugging it off, Sookie and Lafayette, take turns burying the pair. Then, they return to Sookie’s house to wait . . .
In other Stackhouse news . . .
Almost Everybody Loves Jason Stackhouse . . . (even Steve F*&king Newlin)
It’s starting to seem like, on this show, the more you hate vampires, the more likely it is that you will eventually become one. Such was the fate of former cult leader Steve Newlin, who, at the end of last season, found himself on Jason Stackhouse’s doorstep with a pair of pointy incisors, and an outfit that makes him look like he should be playing the uptight rich villain in an 80’s teen movie.
At first, Vampire Newlin plays the vulnerability card, in order to gain access to the house of his follower turned nemesis. He claims he has no where else to go, having already been shunned by both his minions, and vampires themselves due to his present condition, and past acts, respectively. But Jason thinks Steve’s fangs look like big ole white hard-ons (a notion which ends up being rather prophetic), so he doesn’t trust them. Steve, then, is forced to use a little of that good ole’ glamour power, in order to gain his invitation.
As it turns out, Steve has a little confession to make. And he doesn’t want Jason to interrupt him, until he’s said his piece. So, of course, Steve does what any rational person would do in this situation, he tapes the mouth of his sole audience member — who just so happens to be conveniently shirtless — shut with duct tape. It’s all very kinky, and 50 Shades of Grey-esque.
. . . who’s head over heels in love with none other than THE Jason Stackhouse. The reveal was probably the most shocking twist of True Blood’s season 5 premiere.
It was certainly one of the more aggressive departures from the book series we’ve seen so far. And yet, as far as plot points go, this one actually seems to make a surprising amount of sense. It definitely explains a lot of the weirdness between Steve and Jason during Season 2.
“You should really touch my gun. It’s SOOO BIG!”
And all that “murderous rage and whatnot,” it had to come from somewhere right? Besides, it’s not exactly like falling in love with Jason Stackhouse is the most difficult thing in the world to do.
Considering he had just had his mouth taped shut, by the man who multiple times tried to kill him, Jason handled the profession of adoration quite well. He even complimented Steve on his kind words. But when it came right down to it, Jason’s dog just doesn’t bark that way . .
But don’t you worry Jason fans! Little Red Riding Hood is about to tell that Big Gay Wolf where he can shove his big hard-on fangs. Poor Steve. Rejection is hard enough when you aren’t forced to fly backwards through someone’s front door, like a twig caught in the path of a leaf blower, because your home invitation was just rescinded. Bad for Steve. But very good for Jason and Jessica . . .
Not everyone’s a Jason fan though. He gets some serious cold shoulders from Hoyt and his former highway working crewmates over at Merlotte’s.
They call him G*rlfr*end F*&ker, which I guess is supposed to be insulting, but to me seems kind of like a compliment. I mean, isn’t that what you’re SUPPOSED to do with your girlfriend. Yeah, yeah . . . I know, Jason betrayed Hoyt by getting with Jess, and yadda, yadda, yadda. But Bon Temps is just such a small town! It’s probably really hard to hook up with someone who isn’t the ex girlfriend of SOMEONE you know . . . especially if you look like Jason Stackhouse . . .
Meanwhile, Jess is enjoying the perks of being temporary Queen of Louisianna, while Papa Bill is “otherwise engaged.” And like any good Queen, Jess knows how to treat her subjects well . . . by throwing them a frat party, and laying down some fly tunes.
Jason unintentionally crashes the party, thinking he’s in for another quickie, when Jess lays the “let’s just be friends with benefits speech on him.” But don’t worry about Jason, looking like he does, he’s a welcome addition to any sorority girl’s daydreams, provided he slip out of that nerdy cop uniform, and into something “more comfortable.”
For a moment there, it seems like Jason might hook up with a college coed just to make Jess jealous. But in the end, he does the gentlemanly thing, and simply drives the lovestruck girl home.
Good lord! Since when did Jason Stackouse, Resident Man Whore of Bon Temps become the Messiah of Boyfriends?
“Hey, I thought I was the Messiah of Boyfriends.”
Speaking of loyal boyfriends . . .
Tastes Like Marcus
Sam gets accosted by some of deceased Werewolf Pack Leader Marcus’ followers, because they think the shapeshifter killed him. So, Sam turns into a bird and flies away, rather than rat out Marcus’ real killer, Alcide. Hey you know what I noticed about Sam? Except for that cute dog from season 1, he always shift into rather lame creatures, like ugly birds, or flies, and such. Not very manly. He’s also probably naked more than any other character on this show.
Anywhoo, Sam eventually turns himself in to the nudist colony of werewolves, provided they promise not to harm his lover Luna and her kid. Besides, all they really want to know is where Marcus was buried . . . you know, so his mom could like, eat him and stuff . . .
Eventually though, Alcide does the right thing by admitting to killing the Leader of the Pack. As a result, he gets a pack of his own . . . I’d like to call them the “Non-Carcass Eaters.”
“I rule with an iron fist and washboard abs.”
In other Alcide news, he pops by Sookie’s house to give her some home decorating tips . . .
. . . and to invite her to be his roommate, so that he can have hardcore doggy sex with her protect her from Russell Edgington, who’s not-so-much dead, by the way. Sookie declines, figuring that the whole “I just shot your ex-girlfriend in my kitchen, and you almost tripped over her tooth on the way in here” would make for awkward dinner table conversation.
Speaking of dead bodies, apparently, someone stole Jesus . . .weird.
Burn it Down
Meanwhile, in what was clearly the least interesting storyline of the evening . . .
. . . Noel from Felicity is making Terry VERRRRY ANGRY, probably because he keeps yammering on about “The War.” No one talks to Terry about “The War” and gets away with it. Also, apparently, someone’s been going around burning down the homes of all of Terry’s former comrades. So, maybe that freaky lady ghost with the big pop out eyes didn’t burn down Terry’s house after all. (I’m still trying to decide whether or not I care.)
Speaking of the Bellefleur’s Policeman Andy has a surprisingly nice ass, and a good set of abs, as we learn when we find him post-coitus in waitress Holly’s bed. Who knew?
The two new lovebirds may have ended up in the bed, but they started on the couch, where Holly’s son typically slumbers.
Yikes. It looks like someone’s going to need to invest in a sleeping bag, STAT.
But enough about those pesky humans. We watch this show for the vampires, right?
Sibling Revelry
When we last left Vampire Eric and BEEEEL, they had just killed Tight Pants Nan of the Vampire AUTHORITAAYYYY. In short, they are now in deep doo-doo. While Lazy Beeel makes a few casual phone calls, Vampire Eric rolls up his sleeves, and starts cleaning Nan bits off the floor, like it’s his job.
I have to admit, watching him clean was a bit of a turn on. Then again, watching Vampire Eric do anything would probably be a turn on to me, even if it was something like picking his nose, or scratching his bum.
Beeel notes that he has this FEELING that Sookie is in danger. But Eric is unmoved. “F*&K Sookie,” he says resolutely, which coincidentally, both of these vampires have done numerous times.
Unfortunately, Beel and Eric have little time to reminisce about all those screws in the dirt, shower boinks, and snowball hallucination sex they each had with the blonde waitress, because the AUTHORITAY has come to bring their asses to justice . . .
Riding trapped in the trunk of a car, with their faces so close they could kiss, new bromantic buddies Bill and Eric plot their escape, while their captors rock out to late 70’s era elevator music. Ultimately, they opt to use an umbrella to access the car’s gas tank. They then proceed to blow that sh*t up. Ahh, the many benefits of being immortal, and having unlimited healing powers. Lying on the ground, face burned to a crisp, Bill twitches awkwardly, as Eric lifts him to safety. “I won’t leave you,” whispers Eric in his former nemesis’ ear.
“I just can’t quit you.”
How very Brokeback Mountain of the two men who, on more than one occasion almost killed one another over the Super Snatch of Sookie.
Their captor up too, and he’s raring for a fight, that is until his female companion shreds the bastard.
Turns out this is none other than Eric Northman’s “sister” . . . at least, in that they share the same maker. So, they are blood related, but not “blood” related, if you catch my drift. I’m only telling you this, because they end up screwing in some storage container moments later . . .
The Lannisters approve.
. . . as poor Beeel, waits outside, listening, and suffering from a serious case of these . . .
And I have to say, it’s kind of hot . . . or at least as hot as two ridiculously attractive people engaging in sort of/kind of incest can be. Then, Eric’s cell phone goes off, and the two start bickering. “We fight like siblings, but we f*&k like champions,” Eric tells Bill conversationally.
Later that night, Sister Nora leads Eric and Bill to a boat driven by someone who I guess is the equivalent of the vampire witness protection program. You see, even though it looks like Nora has just betrayed her position in the AUTHORITAY, by helping Eric and Beel escape, it seems like there may be a bit of schism among the vampire politicos. I smell a revolution!
Speaking of revolution, Eric and Bill never quite make it on to that boat, before they are ambushed, by a bunch of gun toting AUTHORITAY members. RUH-ROH!
Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps . . .
Wakey, Wakey!
It’s time to dig up Tara and Pam. The latter pops out looking bored, as usual, and more than a bit eager to change out of that ridiculous outfit. But Tara seems a bit . . . unresponsive. This of course, is not exactly surprising considering that Pam had suggested that the latters little “brain-flap” issue, might leave her at best a f*&ktarded vampire, and a worst, just a stinky corpse. Sookie cries. Lafayette cries. Pam rolls her eyes.
And then . . . Tara RISES . . . and tries to EAT SOOKIE’S FACE . . . or maybe it’s her all powerful Fairy Super Snatch. The screen fades to black, so it’s too early to tell . . .
In the weeks to come on True Blood, Eric, BEEL and Hoyt (?) don leathery S&M gear, Tara tries to EAT EVERYONE, Sookie screams a lot, Steve Newlin and Jess square off once again for Jason’s affections, and that dude from Law and Order quotes scripture, while wearing a really snazzy suit. And you can check out all of it, here . . .
So, I was thinking of making a life-sized sculpture of this image, and putting it in my living room as a coat rack. (I’d only actually hang coats on the Bill side, of course.)
Greetings Fangbangers! Can you believe another season of True Blood has already come and gone? It seems like only yesterday that Sookie was off playing with the fairies . . .
. . . and Baby Vamp Jessica was still dating Hoyt . . .
. . . and half the characters on this show were STILL ALIVE . . .
3/8 of the people in this picture no longer have beating hearts for Eric Northman to yank out and sip on . . .
So, round up your favorite ghosts, tightly secure your demon headgear, and for, heaven sakes, LOCK YOUR DOOR, because it’s time for the FINAL True Blood recap of the season . . .
(Oh, and as always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for all the brilliant screencaps!)
I Guess He REALLY Didn’t Like Those Eggs . . .
“PLEASE STOP! I promise I’ll scramble them next time!”
Lala hasn’t been himself, since he woke up this morning. He keeps giving Jesus the stinkeye, and not eating his eggs. Jesus thinks something is up with his lover, but he doesn’t want to pry, because that’s not what “good boyfriends” do . . .
“Are you mad, because I insisted on wearing my Demon Helmet, while we had sex?”
Ever the peacemaker, Jesus apologizes to Lala for pressuring him to use his TRULY AWFUL “gift” of inconveniently opening his mouth whenever angry ghosts are passing by. But still, Lala does not respond. So, Jesus just sadly kisses him. But when he does, he SMELLS SOMETHING ROTTEN . . .
“Did you forget to brush your teeth again, this morning, Lala? Because that sh*t is RANK!”
It smells like WITCHIPOO!
“Dammit! I knew I should have put on my Ghost Deodorant before crawling into Lafayette’s mouth. So STUPID!”
Of course, since we already knew that Witchipoo possessed Lala, after last week’s episode, this was no surprise at all. OH NO! Witchipoo is in Lafayette’s body. I’m bored SHOCKED! Lalapoo then stabs Jesus with his fork, and somehow manages to drag him into his house and tie him to a chair. Is this the beginning of a fun, S&M Brujo Sex Game, perhaps? I’m thinking not . . .
“If this is going to be a Sex Game, let me know. Because I really want to go grab my hat.”
But Jesus and Lalapoo aren’t the only ones who are having a rough morning . . .
Tara Forgets the Number One Rule of How to Stay Alive as a TV Character: NEVER Talk About Getting Old.
“Since I knew we were going to have a discussion about getting old, I thought I’d get into the mood, by wearing this ugly ass grandma nightgown.”
Tara (who spent the night at Sookie’s, because I don’t even know if she has a home anymore) heads into the kitchen to find Sookie all distraught and weepy. What else is new?
You see, Sookie has had this stain on her kitchen floor for years. And she just can’t seem to get rid of it . . .
Yeah, that’s really gross. Sorry about that. I tried to help, by making it smaller . . .
Sookie admits to Tara that she’s been feeling Granny’s presence lately. And she’s not “feeing her” in the sweet spiritual way people usually say they “feel” their dead loved one’s presence. Nope. She’s feeling Granny in the creepy, “I keep seeing her dead body on the floor, and am worried she’s going to get up from there and start baking pecan pie” way.
Then, randomly, Sookie starts talking about how she wants to one day become an old lady sitting on the porch with her grandkids. You know, because seeing a dead bloody old lady on your kitchen floor inspires nostalgia, or something. Then,Tara says she hopes to be an old lady on that porch, right along side Sookie . . .
Yeah, you just pretty much signed your death warrant, right there, Tara. (Or should I say, “Tarapoo.”) You see . . . Sookie? She’s the main character of the show. She can talk about being old all she wants, and nothing is going to happen to her. But YOU talk about getting old, and it’s pretty much a surefire trip to the grave or vampirism, for you. And we all know how much you HATE those vampires!
“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?”
Speaking of graves (and dead people) . . .
Is Maxine Fortenberry Going to Adopt EVERYONE on This Show?
“Poor Tommy Boy! I never did get to teach him the right way to wear my makeup.”
A word of warning, Kiddies! This is what’s going to happen to you, if you’re a screw-up. The only people who will end up attending your funeral are the two people you impersonated, and the one you had sex with, while you were impersonating one of them. In all seriousness though, I’m kind of disappointed that Jess didn’t attend Tommy’s funeral, because those two were good buds, back in the day . . .
In fact, Jess was the only “friend” Tommy never screwed over probably because he REALLY wanted to get in her panties.
Maxine and Sam commiserate over how much they are going to miss Tommy, even though he kind of treated them both like crap, most of the time. It’s interesting how tolerant Maxine was of Tommy, and all his flaws, when she was always so INTOLERANT of her own ridiculously well-behaved son, and HIS life choices.
“YEAH! Take that, Mom!”
Still, it was super sweet of Maxine to offer Sam the right to call her Mom, since he no longer has any family members to call his own. Here’s hoping that the growth Maxine has undergone this season, will enable her to make amends with her own son in Season 5. Because something tells me that man is going to need some SERIOUS motherly love, next season . . .
“Motherly love? Who needs motherly love? I just want to start getting laid again, DAMMIT!”
After the funeral, Sam and Luna start making out again What else is new?, and chatting about how wonderful their lives are, now that Greasypoo is dead.
“So, you’re a Skinwalker, right, Luna? Would it be terribly awkward if I asked you to shapeshift into Natalie Portman? I’ve really always wanted to bang her.”
Then Luna, who clearly watches more television than Tara, warns Sam that if they keep acting cheesy and overly happy, the world will come along and poop on them again. Well, at least she knows what she’s getting into . . .
Speaking of people who are constantly getting their ass kicked by life . . .
Why Jason Should Seriously Consider Investing in Body Armor . . .
“Well, this feels familiar. But hey! At least I’m not getting straddled and screwed by underage, inbred, and toothless werepanthers. So . . . PROGRESS!”
Jason decides to come clean to Hoyt about having sex with Jess. And when Hoyt asks him “how,” he starts describing it rather graphically, by listing the various positions in which Jess and Jason got to know one another in the biblical sense. You know, because THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR . . .
“Would you like me to draw you a diagram, Hoyt? Because I could draw you a diagram.”
Then, Hoyt starts kicking Jason’s ass, like . . . a lot . . . and Jason just sits back and takes it. Because, I guess that’s what friends are for too . . .
“If you were planning to have sex with my ex-girlfriend, the least you could have done was invited me over for a threesome. That’s what your SISTER would do!”
In a parting shot to Jason, that truly seems to hurt him more than the sucker punches and groin kicks ever will (Well, maybe not the groin kicks. I hear those are TERRIBLE!), Hoyt tells his former(?) best friend that he will never find true love, because something inside of him is missing . . .
Oh, don’t you worry, Jason! Whatever is missing inside of you, I will gladly go in there and fix it. 😉
That night, Jessica heads to Jason’s house dressed as a Slutty Red Riding Hood. (Did I forget to mention that it’s Halloween in Bon Temps? Well, it is!)
Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a porno entitled “Little Red Riding Pussy?”
Meow?
After sex, Jessica wants to bolt, so she can go eat something. And it’s a TOTAL role reversal, because Jason is adorably pouting, and wondering whether she wants to leave because, he’s not a good lay (AS IF?!), or because he is “missing something inside,” like Hoyt said he was. Jessica comforts him by telling him that he has sexy hip bones (among other things). It’s just that she’s not ready to be in a serious relationship yet, after what happened with Hoyt. And, oh yeah, she still wants to EAT other people . . .
“Well, OK . . . as long as you brush your teeth, afterwards.”
Jason tries to act like he’s cool with it. But, honestly, I’m not sure he means it. He definitely seems like he wants more from the relationship than just sex. Because, when you think about it, aside from him being a huge Man Slut, back in Season 1, Jason is actually a REAL “Relationship Guy” . . . someone who always seems to really love the women he dates . . . even that Nutbar Crystal!
I never said he had good taste . . .
To make matters even more awkward, the “new not-so-couple”, keep talking about Hoyt, in the context of their sex lives, which is actually kind of creepy . . .
“Come on, people! You know you want a piece of this!”
Shortly after Jessica leaves, there’s a knock at the door. And poor Jason gets all giddy, because he thinks Jessica has changed her mind, and decided to spend the night. But it’s DEFINITELY not Jessica at the door. It’s THIS GUY. . .
That’s the preppiest f*&king vampire I’ve ever seen!
So, how does the HEAD of the Vampire-Hating Fellowship of the Sun end up becoming a fanger, himself? I don’t know. And we are probably going to have to wait until Season 5 to find out. But am I the only one wondering whether this whole scene was just a Big Fat Tease? After all, this IS a Halloween episode. And it wouldn’t be hard for a guy like Steve Newlin to head over to some costume shop to purchase some realistic retractable teeth, in order to scare the stuffing out of the man who screwed his wife back in Season 2.
“Seriously, Lalapoo, what kind of chair is this? This is the most uncomfortable chair I have ever sat in! Of all the chairs in this place, why did you have to tie me up in this ugly piece of crap? It’s giving me a wedgie. Plus, I’m in SCRUBS! No one should have to die in scrubs . . . SO UNFLATTERING!”
Lalapoo is trying to convince Jesus to give up his Really Nifty Helmet Head Power. But Jesus is not down with that. He says you can’t trade magic like Pokemon cards . . .
Little does Jesus know that Lalapoo has a MASSIVE Pokemon card collection, back in the Moongoddess Emporium. And that’s where he/she gets all her powers from! Jesus doesn’t want Lala’s inner Witchipoo to hurt his boyfriend, so he starts doing that weird chanting thing again. And then LALAPOO STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH!
“BEEEEEEEEEELLLL JEESSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUSSSS!”
Sorry, wrong Jesus. Thanks for coming, though!
So, it turns out, you CAN trade magic powers like Pokemon cards. Because now LALAPOO is wearing that ugly helmet. But here’s the weird thing. It suddenly MATCHES LALAPOO’S outfit? Who knew Demon Helmets had such great fashion sense?
Pretty in Purple
Matching abilities aside, as far as Evil Head Gear goes, Demon Hat is, at best, a second place finisher, for me. I mean, I don’t know about you, but my heart will always belong to the Ribcage Hat . . .
Speaking of weird outfits . . .
Alert the Media – Sookie Actually Goes to Work (and spends the entire time hitting on Alcide)!
So, did it occur to you that Sookie hasn’t showed up at work this ENTIRE season? It sure didn’t occur to Sam, who assumed she was just “going through some stuff” when she ditched her shifts for an ENTIRE WEEK! Sookie reminds Sam that he sort of / kind of fired her.
And Sam tells her that he wasn’t himself that day. He was Tommy. So, he decides to give Sookie her job back, provided she wears Playboy Bunny ears for Halloween. Sounds like a fair trade, right? I mean, at least she didn’t have to wear something AWFUL, like those zombie costumes Terry and Arlene were wearing, right? (Oh . . . wait . . . you’re telling me they CHOSE to look like that? Never mind then . . .)
By the way, want to ensure your kid gets knocked up at an early age, Arlene? Let her dress up like THAT for Halloweeen . . .
Sookie takes off her bunny ears FAST, when Alcide arrives at the bar to tell her, he’s not necessarily in love with her, but they should date anyway, because they are WAY less crazy than all the other wackadoos in this town. At first, I thought that sounded like a really unromantic proposition. Then, I remembered what Alcide’s ass looks like . . .
. . . and his BEAUTIFULLY SEXY NIPPLES . . .
. . . and decided it was a great offer . . .
Sookie didn’t take it though. Because she’s still all about BEEEEEELLL and ERRRRRIIIIC. More on that later. Anyway, Alcide can’t stay and hit on Sookie much longer. He just got a call from one of his construction workers. Apparently, a vampire glamoured him, dug a BIG FAT HOLE right in the middle of the CEMENT parking lot, and left. I bet you know who was in that HOLE, right?
That’s right, boys and girls. Big Bad King Russell is back in action! Hide your newscasters!
The question is, which vampire was desperate enough to break him out, when so few people knew where he was buried in the first place? Well . . . I have one idea. And you’re not going to like it . . .
Pam is SUPER TIRED of Sookie’s Fairy Vag . . .(Wouldn’t YOU be, if you were her?)
You know, I’m so glad that Alan Ball decided not to kill Screaming Ginger this Season, like Charlaine Harris did in Book 4. Because, if he had, Pam would have had no one to ride on her coffin . . .
Or hug Pam, while she freaked out over F*ckin Sookie (Yes, I’ve decided to call her that for the rest of the recap, once again) and her tendency to make all the male cast members on this show turn to mush (more on that later.)
I don’t mean to be a hater. But Pam CRIED TOO MUCH, THIS SEASON. That’s SO not Bad Ass . . . just sayin’.
Because, rest assured, Pam definitely needed a hug. I just hope she didn’t take all that pent up anger and use it to shoot a rocket launcher at Sookie . . .
. . . to do something crazy, like free Russell Edgington. Because Eric would REALLY never forgive her for that one . . .
While we are on the subject of murderers . . .
When Your SERIAL KILLER Ghost Boyfriend Tells You to Be Afraid . . .
(You’ve gotta admit, as far as psycho serial killers go, this one was kind of charming . . .)
Surprise! All season Arlene’s been worried that her baby is an Evil Spawn possessed by Papa Vampire Killer, Rene . . .
So, you can imagine Arlene’s surprise, when Rene’s Ghost DOES come to see her, right after that whole SUPER ANNOYING Baby Storyline has ended. Even more surprising, he’s being NICE! He just wants to warn Arlene that her second husband might very well be just as big of a sociopath as her first one, so she should RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST . . .
“Wait . . . why am I hugging you? You’re the one he’s talking about!”
Actually, that’s not exactly what Ghost Rene said. Ghost Rene simply said that the Ghosts of Terry’s past won’t stay buried forever. I kind of take that meaning literally. After all, Terry is a war veteran who cracked up, after serving his country. He’s probably killed a LOT of people, who aren’t too happy about it. What I’m saying is, I don’t think it was a coincidence that Arlene and Terry dressed up like zombies this year for Halloween . . . I think it was meant to foreshadow a future storyline.
In other Ghosts of the Past News (perhaps not so ghostly . . . yet) Noel from Felicity Terry’s old war buddy, Patrick, is back in town to see Terry. And he seems to be pretty darn hot. How did he manage to stay so hot? up to something not-so-kosher . . .
Like stealing Felicity away from Ben, perhaps?
All Those Ghosts Together in One Place, and NO ONE Thought to Do The Thriller Dance? FAIL!
That’s better!
Waitress / Resident Witch Holly is sparking a doobie, while talking to F*&kin Sookie about how the town feels weirder than usual tonight. She’s saying all this while she’s dressed as a fairy . . . you know, because fairy’s AREN’T scary. HAHA!
“I am SO high right now, I’m starting to think this outfit actually looks good on me.”
Then, Tara the Killjoy comes by to tell the girls that Jesus is not-so-much alive anymore. And Lala, is not-so-much Lala, as he is Witchipoo. (Talk about KILLING A GOOD BUZZ!) So, the threesome race to the cemetery, while Holly dopily digs through her purse / Emergency Eitch Spell Making Kit (Buy them at CVS for $4.99), for something to combat possession . . . Or whatever it is you call it, when someone flies into your mouth. Then, forces you to kill your boyfriend, and wear his weird hat.
“I only make constipated faces, because I care.”
At the cemetery, Charlie’s Lala’s Angels arrive to find that Lalapoo has helpfully stripped the Viking Vampire and King Cockblock, and tied them to some vaguely phallic-looking object (a tree?). Sound familiar?
And yet despite being silvered and in GREAT DANGER, King Cockblockand his New Boyfriend, Viking Vampire still manage to find time to flirt with one another . . .
Ah! The fresh bloom of Old and Decrepit Love! So sweet!
The group try to distract Lalapoo by saying silly things to him / her, like “Revenge won’t bring you peace,” and other such B.S. (SO UNTRUE!), while Holly tiptoes around circling the area in salt. You know . . . because every good barbecue requires a nice heaping helping of salt.
“Shhhh! Be very, very quiet . . . I’m hunting Lalapoo!”
Oh, yeah, I said “barbecue,” didn’t I? id I forget to mention that Lalapoo LIT THE NAKED VAMPIRES ON FIRE LIKE A BIG OLE WEINER-FILLED SHISH KABOB? Well, he/she did!
“So, I know weiners are supposed to shrink in the “cold and wet?” Does that mean that they ENLARGE in the “hot and dry?” In that case, hey Sookie! Get a load of my HOT ROD!”
Then F*&kin Sookie does her little glow finger thing, and temporarily knocks out Lalapoo, which only causes him/her to put on that nifty Demon Hat AGAIN . . . (Sheesh! Boring! A little variety in headgear wouldn’t hurt, Lalapoo! Tim Gunn would NOT approve!)
“Ooooh, you’ve got to . . . let your body VOGUE to the mu-sic.”
Now, as much as I didn’t want my Eric to become casserole, I’m actually kind of glad F*&kin Sookie’s Cure All Glow Finger’s Didn’t Work, this time. I was getting SUPER tired of the writers always using her lightbulb hands to get out of the various messes they created for themselves his season.
Then, the girls started chanting, something that sounded suspiciously like, “Friends, Romans, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your Dead Ears.” And in the most unintentionally hilarious scene in the entire episode, all the DEAD inhabitants of the cemetery, started WADDLING TOWARD LALAPOO, including, you guessed it, Sweet Old, Perpetual Muumuu-Wearing, Adele Stackhouse . . .
. . . and the oddly likeable (even though she really is the one who got us into this mess, in the first place), Antonia . . .
. . . who, after an entire season, FINALLY got to wash her face. And you know what that means for Witchipoo, right?
So, first Antonia puts out the fire that’s been grilling our vampires. And then Adele reaches into Lalapoo’s mouth, and removes the “poo” from it . . . the WITCHIPOO, that is . . .
Oh, that is gross! I mean, you just KNOW that, up in Heaven, Adele is BAKING PECAN PIES WITH THAT HAND!
So, Lala is now un-poo’ed, and writhing on the floor. But, other than that, he’s OK . . . you know, other than being TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE. At this point in the story, I’m REALLY looking forward to something TRULY AWFUL happening to Witchipoo, to pay her back being such a HEINOUS ASSHOLE the entire season . . . something like THIS . . . (Sorry, I couldn’t find a version that was in English. But I think you will get the idea . . .)
Instead, we got this ANNOYING ASS therapy session, courtesy of Grandma Stackhouse, in which we learned how SAD AND LONELY, POOR Witchipoo was; and how, now, she can be at peace with herself and her Ghost Friends, and blah, blah, blah . . .
Cry me a river, Toots!
And then Marnie just got to WALK OFF INTO THE MOONLIGHT with her new see-through pals. SERIOUSLY?
You got that right, Witchipoo! You deserved WAY WORSE!
Cue F*&kin Sookie crying AGAIN, about how lonely SHE is, and how grandma can’t leave her again. And will someone please call the WAAAAAAH-MBULANCE, for this one! So, Grandma Stackhouse tells her kin “Shut the f*&ck up . . . You’re friend just HAD A WITCH YANKED OUT OF HIS MOUTH, WHO KILLED HIS BOYFRIEND. HAVE SOME FRIGGIN RESPECT!
You know, because “we’re all alone in the end.” This is either the wisest, or most depressing piece of advice, I have ever heard. I haven’t decided yet . . .
Then Eric and King Cockblock interrupt this lame touching moment to remind everybody that “Hey, we’re still here . . . naked . . . and chargrilled . . . please HELP!”
Speaking of our Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo . . .
Slumber Party at King Cockblock’s House!
“You HAD to get me a robe that matched, yours? You mean to tell me, you didn’t have ONE single robe in your closet that didn’t look exactly like the one you are wearing? You’re a KING, for crying out loud!”
OK, now I like a good threesome as much as the next girl. But I’ll be the first to admit that I HATED this scene, which began with Eric and Cockblock sucking Sookie’s arms AT THE SAME TIME! (I guess she felt that, by having one suck before the other, she’d be PLAYING FAVORITES! Heaven forbid!) I hated how these two supposedly strong vampires, were looking at this Whiny FAIRY all moony and dopey eyed, as she gave them each her trademark Losing Game Show Contestant Speech, for the 85th time, since this series has started.
Here’s how it went down (at least, in my head):
“Eric you are great at sex. Bill you are great at . . . playing Wii. You both did a fairly adequate job of being my boyfriend. But, unfortunately, you are both out. Thanks for playing, ‘Let’s Get into Sookie’s Pants.’ Better luck next time!”
The only mildly funny part, was when Bill offered Sookie to Eric, “out of the goodness of his heart,” clearly expecting Eric to do the same thing. Instead, Eric grabs Sookie’s arm, drags her toward the door like an excited toddler, and says, more or less, “COOLl! YIPPEE! I WIN!”
But he didn’t win. He lost. Bill lost. They all LOST . . . Then, Sookie cried . . . AGAIN . . .
I’ve decided that, next season, I’m going to play a drinking game, where I do a shot every time someone on this show cries. (Two for F*&kin Sookie). Coincidentally, I have a feeling I’m going to need to have my stomach pumped A LOT next summer.
In completely unrelated news . . .
Andy Must REALLY Like Fairies . . .
Sorry for the TOTAL lack of transition. I just had no where else to put this completely random scene. You see, last week Andy had sex with a real fairy. This week he propositioned a FAKE Fairy (Holly), to be his girlfriend. You know, because he is lonely, and two days sober . . . and stuff. (Now, if that’s not a TOTAL catch, I don’t know what is . . .)
I’m just glad SOMEONE chose to f*&k a fairy that wasn’t F*&kin Sookie . . .
Anywhoo, on to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE scene of the evening . . .
“Hi, Nan and Gay Storm Troopers . . . Bye Nan, and Gay Storm Troopers.”
Yeah, so, after Cockblock and Viking are rejected by Sookie, they go to Cockblock’s office to make out discuss business. Then, Nan shows up with her, (as Eric calls them) Gay Storm Troopers.
(In case this hasn’t already been made TOTALLY clear, I LOVE ERIC! He had ALL the best one liners of the finale. Save the one about the Fairy Vagina . . . and well . . . the one that Cockblock is about to make, in a few minutes.)
Anywhoo . . . Nan has, apparently, been sent by the American Vampire League to KILL Eric and Cockblock for Conduct Unbecoming a Fanger. . .
She gets to do this, even though she’s already been fired by the AVL for, you know, sucking at her job and stuff . . . But Nan has plan that will allow Eric and Bill to live.
They can join her in her little Mutiny against the AVL. (Hmmm . . . maybe SHE was the one who orchestrated Russell’s “release” from cement?) Correction: They MUST join in the mutiny, or Fairy Sookie is VERY, VERY DEAD. “Come on, I see the way you both look at her like, puppy dogs,” says Nan. (And you have to admit. Girlfriend has a point.)
Unfortunately, for Nan, Eric and Cockblock don’t see it that way. Eric takes off all THREE Gay Storm Troopers heads, so fast, you would think he was just opening three bottles of soda (which is kind of what it looks like). And I just wish I had an animated GIF for it, because it was the MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
So, remember when I told you that Cockblock had a great one-liner in this episode? (Well, aside from his “Eric as brain-damaged” line, which, admittedly, was pretty funny too.) Here it is . . .
And you know when he said it? Right after he did THIS, that’s when . . .
I bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you? Oh wait. . . you did? Never mind then . . .
Let us not forget ERIC’S additional awesome one-liner to finish the scene. (It almost makes me forget how goofy he looked wearing Bill’s robe and mooning over Sookie . . . almost.)
Poor Lala certainly isn’t one of them. (But don’t worry, I’ll get to them later.) He’s in Sookie’s bed, inconsolate over the loss of Jesus. But since it’s Halloween Jesus is able to pop in, and give him a sweet goodbye, reminding Lala that it’s not his fault that he’s dead. Well, actually, if only Lala knew how to keep his mouth shut, literally, Jesus might still be alive. But hey, let’s not be picky, all right? The boy is hurting here.
Ever the pragmatist, Jesus tells Lala that he’s actually HAPPY that his life ended the way that it did. Because now he never has to end up old andhanging out with F*&kin Sookie on that damn porch!, dying of cancer, and suffering from bed sores. At first, I thought Jesus was just being nice to Lala, by saying all this. I mean NO ONE wants to die in their late twenties, from a psychopath’s stab wound, all because of a stupid ugly helmet, right?
Then I remembered that Jesus was a hospital orderly at an old age home / mental institution. He watched people rust out and fade away for a living. So, the notion of getting old must have scared the beejeezus out of Jesus. And in that sense, maybe he really DOESN’T mind dying young . . . I hope not, for his sake, at least.
And yes, I’ll admit that even MY cold, cold heart was touched when Jesus told Lafayette that, because he is a medium, and Jesus is a ghost, in some sense, they will always be together . . .
All together now . . . AWWWW!
OK. Well, now that you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy in side, I’m going to go ahead and DESTROY that feeling. You know why? Because, after all that F*&KIN Sookie has been through in her life, she STILL DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO LOCK HER DOOR. And that’s why THIS happens . . .
Did you catch all that? Here’s what happened, Trailer Trash Debbie WALKED RIGHT INTO SOOKIE’S KITCHEN, AND SHOT AT HER. Then, Tara rushed in front of the bullet, Secret Service Style, and kind of lost her head (Too Soon?). Then Sookie straddles Debbie, yanks the gun from her, and SHOOTS HER POINT BLANK IN THE FACE!
So, to recap my recap . . . Jesus is dead . . . definitely . . . as are the Gay Storm Troopers, Nan, Trailer Trash Debbie and Witchipoo . . . along with Rene and all those lame ghosts in the cemetery who wouldn’t do the Thriller Dance for me. Russell Edgington is now UNDEAD, and so is Steve Newlin . . . MAYBE.
Tara may also be dead . . . or . . . undead, depending on who hears Sookie’s Sounds-Like-A-Drowning-Cat screams for help (Heaven forbid she call 911, like a NORMAL person): Lala the Ghost Sucker, who sometimes sucks up Witch Doctors, Sookie’s vampire non-boyfriends, or . . . NOBODY.
Sorry, Tarapoo! Maybe next time if there is a next time you will learn not to talk to Sookie about visiting her on the porch when you get old . . .
And that was the Season 4 True Blood Finale, in a nutshell. So . . . let’s talk about it. Did you think it was Fangtastic? Or did it SUCK? Sound off in the comment section below.
Oh, and since I suspect I won’t be seeing some of you for awhile unless you watch The Vampire Diaries. You really should watch The Vampire Diaries. Please watch The Vampire Diaries, or I will have to bite you! I wanted to thank all of my fabulously fun, and brilliant readers and commenters for making this one heck of an awesome Summer TV Viewing Season. I couldn’t have done this without you!
Why does one bad apple vampire have to spoil it for the whole bunch? You see, up until this point on the show, Humans and Vamps? They were getting along JUST FINE!
Sure, there was a certain fringe group of humans that weren’t all too keen on letting the vampires play in their Human Games . . .
But they were just a bunch of religious wackjobs. And no one cares what religious wackjobs think, anyway.
That was before THIS happened . . .
Special thanks to Carol for this awesome GIF!
Suddenly, those “religious wackjobs” were starting to sound mighty convincing to a lot of people. As a result, many of our friendly neighborhood vampires found themselves having to take certain “defensive” measures, to maintain the “status quo” . . . And that was when all the POO really started to hit the fan.
Secrets were revealed, loyalties tested, and plenty of supernatural creatures were forced “out of the closet,” in the process. In fact, so much went on during this episode, that I don’t even know where do begin. Wait . . . yes, I do . . .
Everybody Loves a Good FAIRY tale . . .
After weeks upon weeks of hinting and speculation, Bill finally revealed to Sookie, “her TRUE Nature” (or as Bill calls it, her “Nashahhhhh.”) When she finally finds out, Sookie is less than pleased. “I’m a FAIRY? How f*cking lame!” Sookie gripes.
“Hey! I resemble that remark!”
You know Sookie, there are a lot of WONDERFUL things about being a fairy. After all, every time a bell rings, there’s a chance you may get your wings . . .
Oh, that’s angels? Nevermind . . .
So, anyway, apparently, vampires just go CRAZY for fairy blood! In other words, to Vampire Eric and Vampire Bill, Sookie tastes something like this . . .
This begs the inevitable question as to whether Bill loves Sookie for her spunky, mind-reading, big-boobed self, or because her blood tastes like something he would order at Baskin Robbins. Bill, of course, claims it is the former.
“It is not your blood I love. It is the way you scream ‘BEAAAAAAAAAL’ that really makes my heart flutter and my ear drums burst into flames.“
Bill begins to wax poetic about how much he LUUUUUUVES Sookie, and wants to protect her for all eternity, and blah, blah, blah. While he speaks, you can literally hear the violins playing in the background. Super small ones . . .
When there’s a WILL, Vampire Eric gets his way . . .
Meanwhile, Eric is at Fangtasia, drafting his Last Will and Testament with a lawyer, while Pam (who is looking FABULOUS, in her smokin hot purple leather dress, by the way) looks on, in not-so-silent protest.
“Let’s see, the rest and residuary of my Estate goes to Pam. My heart . . .
. . .and my weiner . . .
. . . belong to Miss Stackhouse. But to whom shall I leave my crown?
Of course! Lafayette – a King’s Crown for my favorite QUEEN!”
Vampire Pam is disappointed in her Maker. It’s not like Eric to just roll over and “play undead,” just because some Big Gay Vampire King is mad at him. She thinks he’s acting like a total pussy, and tells him as much. But Eric, convinced he is about to meet his Maker . . .
Yeah . . . that one too, I guess.
. . . is determined to make his final arrangements. He immediately asks SlutBall Yvetta to act as his witness, while he signs the will . . .
Poor Dumb Yvetta! She actually believed Eric was going to leave all his fortune to HER, just because the pair had a few good rolls in the coffin. OK, a few good SIX-HOUR rolls in the coffin, but still . . .
“But you PROMISED!” Yvetta whines, like the whorish Dancing Baby she is . . .
“I promised you a job and lots of good sex. That’s all,” insists Eric, causing poor Yvetta to wet her diaper, before storming out in tears.
Out, Out, Damn Spot!
“Dammit! This is the THIRD shirt I’ve lost to Vampire Guts. If only there was a way to cope with tough-to-remove stains like these . . .
Thanks Tide!”
When we last left Tara, she was being rescued by Jason Stackhouse . . .
. . . who turned her abusive ex-boyfriend, Franklin . . .
. . . into THIS . . .
Poor Franklin, if only he could have used his “Mad Texting Skills” to dial 911, things might have worked out differently for him . . .
We love you too, Franklin . . . you creepy psycho stalker, YOU!
Now, Jason, has had SOME experience killing EGGS . . .
. . . but virtually NO experience, killing VAMPIRES (well, unless you count poor, Vampire Eddie, but that was purely for recreational purposes . . .)
“Did I ever tell you about this time I drank Vampire Blood and got this massive boner for HOURS? Good times!”
So, the elder Stackhouse was, understandably, a little freaked out . . .
I can’t believe I’ve killed such a brilliant texter! Oh the lack of humanity!
So, Tara, who is VERY experienced in the art of Vampire Cleanup, takes charge, instructing Jason to pick up Franklin’s guts . . .
. . . dump them in his truck, and drive them FAR FAR AWAY!
While Jason is handling the first load, Tara takes some time to pay her last respects to the love of her life . . .
Nothing says loving like a LOOGEY!
“Oh, Tara! How I’ve longed to taste your spit again!”
Jason and Tara then ride back to Jason’s house, where Fairy Sookie is waiting for them, and looking for some protection.
Sookie Plays Shrink . . .
“I should really charge by the hour for this!”
Poor Sookie! She came to her brother’s house looking for safety, and some R&R — after being on the run from vamps, werewolves, and maenads for THREE SEASONS without any breaks. But NO ONE will let the Poor Fairy rest! All they want to do is talk her ears off about their petty little problems. First up is Tara, who wants to give Sookie the play-by-play in her neverending “Why I hate vampires” saga . . .
“He made me wear an ugly dress. And he was a VERY bad kisser! It was TERRIBLE!”
Next up was Jason, who inexplicably stayed clothed for the entire episode. And for that reason, he must be PUNISHED!
“Bad for him. Good for US!”
Jason finally admitted to Sookie that HE broke killed Eggs, not Andy.
Take that, recent outbreak of Salmonella Poisoning!
Sookie responds by giving Jason the WORST ADVICE EVER! “Tell Tara.”
Seriously? What good could it possibly have served for Jason to tell Tara about Eggs, just moments after she suffered the traumatic experience of watching her abusive boyfriend die right in front of her, AGAIN!
And yet, tell Tara, Jason did, just moments before the fiesty femme was about to give him a Gratitude F*ck, for saving her from being murdered by Franklin.
“See this, Jason? This is your chances of getting laid during this episode going down the drain . . .”
“Sh&t! Not AGAIN!”
Tara dashes out of that room, faster than you can say “blue balls.”
Next, Vampire Eric comes to visit Sookie . . . TWICE!
The first time Vampire Bill is there.
The second time, he is in SOOKIE DREAMS!
“Woo hoo!”
Both times, the message is the same. “Sookie, you want me, and my sexy body . . .
“Who doesn’t?”
. . . and don’t trust Bill.”
In the first encounter, Sookie more or less blows off Eric. And yet, she is noticeably distraught, when he not-so-subtly alludes to the very real possibility of him meeting his “final death.” It is likely Sookie’s anguish over THIS first encounter, that causes her to DREAM of Eric that night. And that dream . . . well . . . it deserves it’s own BOLD SUBHEADING, don’t you think?
Why aren’t MY dreams like THIS?
Sookie is dozing on the couch, when she awakens to find Eric perched on its armrest, peering down at her. “Will your blood ever wear off? I’m tired of dreaming of you.”
“Huh?”
(Hey Sookie, if you ever get tired of dreaming of Eric, I’d gladly take those pesky dreams off your hands for you. No problem.)
“It’s not just the blood. You KNOW you have feelings for me,” whispers Eric, as he leans in closer.
“Ew,” replies Sookie, but her rapid breathing, and “f*ck me” eyes say something else entirely.
Dream Eric then leans in and kisses her gently.
In spite of herself, Sookie closes her eyes and moves in closer. “You know you like this,” probes Eric, kissing the side of her neck, “and this,” he continues, kissing the front of her neck. “And you know you can’t trust Bill. That’s not my blood talking. It’s your survival instinct,” concludes Eric, as he leans in to bite Sookie’s neck.
Sookie sighs in ecstacy, and then (unfortunately) wakes up with a start. She HAS to go see Eric to engage in a hot six-hour sex session with him find out why he said he was about to die, and she can’t trust Bill.
Hallelujah! Dreams CAN come true!
NOT a DREAM!
Sookie sneaks out from the “grounding” Papa Bill Compton enforced on her, and heads off to Fangtasia to visit Eric.
Time for dessert!
Sookie begins the meeting with all intentions of talking business, but Eric is much more interested in enjoying the Sookie Stackhouse Tongue Special, for his “Last Supper.” Eric moves in close to Sookie, invading her personal space with gusto, just like he does in ALL of my favorite scenes, “If I meet the true death without at least having kissed you, Sookie Stackhouse, it would be my biggest regret.”
SQUUUUEEEE!
“That’s what I did during this scene!”
“Why does it sound like you are saying good bye,” whispers Sookie.
“Because I am,” responds Eric mournfully.
And then he leans in . . . and kisses her . . . for REAL! And guess what? She KISSES HIM BACK! And I’m not talking that peck on the lips, “I’m just humoring you, but you really remind me of of my grandpa,” kissing, either. I am talking REAL, HONEST TO GOODNESS MAKING OUT, complete with arms fondling backs, and bodies squeezed tightly together like two halves of a delicious peanut butter sandwich. In short — It’s the moment Sookie and Eric fans have been waiting for. And it. is. AWESOME!
But then Pam (who I usually adore, but not today) has to come and screw it all up.
Pam implores Eric to either give Sookie up to Russell, or USE her, to save his own life. (Note: There was some talk earlier in the episode, of Sookie’s blood permitting vampires to walk in the sun. However, Bill assured Eric that the effect was only temporary.)
In the final scene of the episode, Eric shocks all of us, by carrying Sookie into a dungeon (the same one where he held Lafayette prisoner during the early part of Season 2), and chaining her to a wheel, by her neck.
Who knew Eric was so into S&M?
Sookie immediately concludes that Eric has betrayed her. But has he? Or is he just doing this to save HER life? Only time will tell . . .
Tommy Makes His Move (But So Does Hoyt!)
Back at Merlotte’s, our favorite Baby Vamp and Teen Shapeshifter are working HARD, and getting dirty together on the floor . . .
Mmmmm, KINKY!
Unfortunately, Arlene the Ass isn’t helping them AT ALL! Instead, that b*tch is watching TV . . .
And who’s on the tube, you ask? It’s Looney Tunes Hatemonger, Steve Newlin, of course!
For those of you just tuning in, Steve Newlin was one of the main villains of True Blood‘s Second Season. He is the leader of a Vampire Hate cult called the Fellowship of the Sun. The oddly charismatic Steve even briefly indoctrinated Bon Temps own Jason Stackhouse into his Sick Sad Cult World . . .
Fortunately, however, Good Ole’ Jason couldn’t keep it in his pants, as per usual . . . And when he started doing the horizontal mambo with Steve’s wife, Sarah . . .
. . . Steve decided he didn’t want Jason in his little club anymore.
So, anyway, Arlene is busy not-cleaning, and watching Steve Newlin peddle his hate, when she suddenly blurts out, “It was only a matter of time before one of y’all got caught on film.” (“Y’all” obviously referring to Jessica and the rest of her vampire kind.)
OH NO, she DIDN’T!
Well, needless to say, Jessica doesn’t like that comment very much . . .
OK. Now don’t get me wrong. I loved this scene. But the whole “Vampire gets mad and pushes the bad guy (or girl) against the wall, super fast” thing? It happens EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. And it’s getting kind of old. Why can’t they just drop kick the bastards, and be done with it?
Apparently, Jessica has a little something she wants to say to her Good Ole Pal, Arlene. “OK. We get it. You don’t like vampires. Well I don’t like narrow minded skinny bitches with bad dye jobs. But at least I’ve got the courtesy to keep my mouth shut about it . . . most of the time,” seethes the Baby Vamp.
Meanwhile, Tommy, who has been watching this entire exchange take place, is clearly turned on . . .
“Damn! This is better than the porn I watched on PayPerView last night, and charged to Sam’s credit card.”
“You don’t think he knows, do you?”
After Arlene scampers away, like the whiny coward she is, Tommy moves in for the “kill,” telling Jessica how hot her fangs and rage issues are to him. But Jessica is still hung up on Hoyt, and she tells Tommy as much. “Then why are you here with me and not him?” Tommy asks, with surprising amount of bravado, seeing as Jessica has given him NO REASON whatsoever to believe she’s interested.
“If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy, come on Vampire let me know!”
“Because this is my shift. Duh! Because Hoyt is too good for me,” Jessica pouts.
Never much for self-respect (You know what they say about lying down with dogs, after all . . .), Tommy responds, “But I’m not too good for you.”
Then, Jessica leaves his ass. BURN!
Ummm, Tommy. I have a book recommendation for you . . .
Meanwhile, Hoyt is in the car with a VERY HORNY Summer . . .
Summer is ready to do it with Hoyt, because she thinks screwing him will save their dead-in the-water relationship.
“I have a mouth like a hoover, if that helps!”
To Hoyt’s credit, he doesn’t enjoy his Summer. Instead, he grows some balls, and finally kicks the antiquing, porcelain doll collecting, freako to the curb.
“Does this mean no more biscuits?”
Immediately after ditching Summer, Hoyt rushes to the bar to profess his love to Jessica!
But she once again blows him off . . .
When Hoyt storms out, Tommy rushes after him, to rub salt in his nemesis’ wound . . . so Hoyt decks him. Then Tommy turns into THIS . . .
. . . and attacks Hoyt. (Ummm . . . weirdest fight over a girl, EVER!)
When Jessica comes outside, and sees Hoyt being attacked by Doggy Tommy, she easily tosses him into the trees, like he’s a random piece of dust that got on her shirt. It is the coolest thing EVER!
(Another note: It’s uncertain at this point, whether Jessica KNOWS what Tommy is. Perhaps, she just thought Hoyt, was being attacked by some random mangy mutt. Perhaps not . . .)
As Naked Tommy looks on sadly from the bushes, Jessica tells Hoyt she loves him too. She then forces him to drink her blood, to heal his Tommy bites.
Awwww yeah! It’s only a matter of time, before these two are de and re-virginizing eachother regularly once again. And I for one, couldn’t be happier . . .
I’m sorry, Tommy! I know things haven’t exactly been easy for you during this episode. Fortunately, however, I have something that is sure to cheer you right up . . .
You’re welcome!
Sam Merlotte Gets “Lost”
While Tommy was busy getting beat up by a girl and rejected, his dog partner in crime, Sam, was equally busy altering his entire personality from the past three seasons — by snapping at everyone, drinking heavily, and experiencing flashbacks. Since when did Sam Merlotte become Sawyer from Lost?
“Is this another Flash-Sideways?”
Just like a certain, Flight 815 survivor, apparently Sam Merlotte was somewhat of a con artist in his “past life.” In fact, he made most of his cash by robbing banks and jewelry stores, using his shapeshifting abilities to sneak in and out unnoticed.
“And to think, all this time, I’ve been relying on my good looks and great abs to get me in the door . . .”
In Sam’s little flashback, he seems to have a girlfriend . . .
Yeah, bye bye is right, b&tch!
The girlfriend is played by Arielle Kebbel. And if you know the actress, you knew the character was a goner, the moment she appeared on screen. After all, Arielle bears the dubious distinction of being the girl who’s character gets tragically killed in EVERY SINGLE supernatural TV show or horror movie in which she is featured . . .
This is DEAD Arielle Kebbel in The Vampire Diaries. Believe it or not, she actually played a VAMPIRE in that one . . .
Anyway, apparently, Arielle (or whatever her name was in the episode) was only using Sam, so that she and her boyfriend could get his money and booty . . .
. . . runoff, and live Trashily Ever After. When I heard this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another blonde brat who tried to do the EXACT SAME THING to the man who loved her . . .
Yeah . . . her. Apparently, it was LOST Day on True Blood . . .
So, b&tchy Arielle and her beau escape with poor Sam’s moolah, while Sam lies writhing on the floor, plotting his revenge. He gets it the next night, when he arrives in dog form at the couple’s campsite. (Really? A campsite? All those jewels and cash, and these two couldn’t afford a hotel? What gives True Blood?)
So, Sam morphs back into human form, and holds a gun at Bad Boyfriend’s head . . .
Sam then knocks the dude unconscious and waves the gun over his prone form. Then Arielle takes out a gun and holds it at Sam’s head. Not thinking clearly, Sam instantly shoots his so called lady love dead. In anguish, he then shoots the boyfriend to cover his tracks, and leaves the campsite.
AHA!
So, NOW we know why Sam was on the run from the cops during the first season! It all makes sense now! I just wonder why he never got around to changing his name, seeing as “Sam Merlotte” may or may not still be wanted for murder . . .
Speaking of Murderers . . .
Arlene FINALLY tells Terry that the baby in her belly is not his, but rather Evil Rene’s. And you know what? Terry is AWESOME about it . . .
He offers to raise the baby as his own, and give it so much love, it can’t possibly turn evil. (Awwww, I heart HIM!)
And yet, Arlene STILL wants to get rid of the baby. So, she asks her new “Wiccan” friend Holly to help her out in this regard.
Arlene is a total Poopyhead!
In fact, that’s what I think I will call her for the rest of the Season . . .
Have a nice trip, boys!
Lafayette’s and Jesus’ story this week, started with a miraculous rescue . . .
. . . and ended with a “trip” that looked like a Disney World ride . . .
“Hey, isnt that the old hag from Snow White? Weird!”
It all started when Trailer Trash Barbie . . .
. . . Crystal, along with Jesus . . .
. . . and Lafayette were driving around with a half-dead Calvin Norris in the backseat. Since there didn’t seem to be any time to get to a hospital (And lets face it, with the exception of Jesus, NONE of those folks have an ounce of health insurance.), Lafayette decides to take the whole gang to his house. There, he feeds Calvin some of that vampire blood he has been dealing. Calvin heals almost immediately, but then disowns his daughter for letting two gay guys feed him V. Talk about ungrateful!
“Them f*ckers is a WHOLE NEW DIMENSION of trash!” Lafayette muses.
Trash . . . the final frontier.
Alone again, Jesus, who despite being all holier than thou, and “I can’t date a drug dealer,” just episodes earlier, begs Lafayette to take V with him.
Remembering how much he LOVED the stuff last time . . .
. . . Lafayette agrees, and the two have this weird theme park-esque tripping sequence, where they proceed to tell eachother about their family roots, both of which seem steeped in freaky voodoo-type magic. But the absolute weirdest hallucination of them all was THIS GUY . . .
Apparently, Jesus has an evil grandfather of some sort. (Hope his name isn’t Judas . . .)
And finally . . .
Bat sh*t crazy Russell . . .
. . . picked up some random male prostitute, holed up with him in a random hotel, and talked to him as if he was Talbot, before staking him.
“Oh, Russell! This is BEYOND offensive! I am WAY cuter than this guy! And you did it in a seedy motel, with COTTON sheets instead of silk. If my guts weren’t trapped in that vase of yours, I’d be ROLLING OVER in my grave!”
Oh, and I almost forgot . . .
After Jason uninvited Bill to his apartment, because Bill gave him WAY TOO MUCH crap for accidentally letting Sookie, a GROWN woman, escape, Crystal . . .
. . . snuck into Jason’s house, and revealed herself to be one of THESE . . .
Watch out Tara, I smell a CAT FIGHT in your future . . .
So, there you have it folks, another spectacular installment of True Blood is in the can. Can you believe there are only two episodes remaining, before we bid this fabulous Season adieu?
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