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Beware of the Creeper (and DON’T squeeze the grapefruits)! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liar’s “To Kill a Mocking Girl”

“Smile!  I want to take your picture!  This way, I can photocopy it 1000’s of times; wallpaper my bedroom with it; and tongue kiss your image while performing various pagan rituals in the nude.  Sound good to you?”

A few weeks back, when I started watching Pretty Little Liars, I honestly chose it because there wasn’t much else on television at the time.  I figured it would be a guilty pleasure — good for a few laughs and snarky one liners made by me, at the characters’ expense.  But, now, I am three episodes in, and all I can say is . . . WOW!  This show is WAY better than a summer replacement on the “Good Little Christian” cable network, has any right to be . . .

Did I mention it has more attractive, yet VERY creepy, men than an episode of The Bachelorette?

It’s enough to turn a straight girl, gay!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

The Blair Bitches Project

When the episode opens, the girls inexplicably decide it would be a GREAT idea to head out into the dark and creepy woods — very close to where their friend Ali very likely met her demise (assuming she’s actually dead, of course) — in order to “pay tribute to her memory.”  This is undoubtedly because these girls were all too young to have seen The Blair Witch Project.  Therefore, they have no idea just how frightening “dark and creepy woods” can be.  (Consequently, they also probably have never experienced the unique joys of “shaky cam,” or of being able to look up a crying college student’s snot-filled nose on a very big screen.)

Might I interest you in a tissue?

The girls abandon their plans, upon hearing some disturbing noises in the woods, and receiving a highly threatening message from the mysterious “A.”  A says that it is “open season on liars” and that they are “being hunted.”  (It is the sort of message that, upon receipt, a teenage girl would absolutely bring to the cops if: (1) she wasn’t starring on a TV show dependent on her NOT behaving like a logical human being; and (2) the one “cop” in town that could help wasn’t the, quite possibly INSANE, Deputy Douchey.)

“I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!  And teenage murder suspects . . .”

Hanna Goes for a Little Drive . . .

When the episode begins, Hanna wakes up to find that, once again, Deputy Douchey has spent the night in her home, and had his “grapefruits squeezed” by Hanna’s mother.  (Way to go, ABC Family!  That was a nice little euphemism for “third base” you snuck in there.  Don’t think, for a second, that the kiddies watching at home didn’t notice!) 

While I spent a good portion of last week’s recap reviling Deputy Douchey, and his one-note, mustache twirling, “Cop Gone Wrong” villiany, I must admit that he looks pretty darn good without his shirt on . . .

And his grapefruits aren’t half bad either . . .

Deputy Douchey (who, apparently, loves being shirtless so much he’d feel quite at home on an episode of True Blood) taunts Hanna, when she accuses him, in no uncertain terms, of using Hanna’s mother to get the “inside scoop” on Hanna and her friends.  After Douchey leaves the room, Hanna’s mother magically appears.  Wise Hanna explains to her mother that regularly boinking an arresting officer, just so Hanna can beat the petty shoplifting charge with which he saddled her, seems like a wee bit of an overreaction. 

Hanna’s mother explains that she just loves squeezing his grapefruits this is a “touchy subject.”  (Uh huh . . .  “the subject” is not ALL she’s touching, these days.)  While they argue, Creepy Deputy Douchey stands just out of sight, sporting a facial expression suspiciously similar to that of  THIS GUY . . .

Coincidentally, Mini Me is the pet name Deputy Douchey has for his “grapefruits.”

At school, Deputy Douchey interrogates Hanna once again.  But without the other girls as witnesses, his questions take a highly inappropriate, (bordering on sexual harrassment) tone.  He basically insinuates that Hanna MUST have killed Ali, because she used to be a little pudgy and isn’t any more.  And if weight loss isn’t a motive for murder, I don’t know what IS! 

In a surprisingly smart moment for this heretofore kind of dim-witted character, Hanna realizes that Deputy Douchey’s knowledge of her recent “transformation” comes from personal and private items he found in her home (while having his grapefruit squeezed), and not things of public record, like, for example, the school yearbook.  She calls Deputy Douchey out on this, by saying, “Is THAT how most cops crack their cases?” 

You GO, Former Fat Girl!

Later, in a surprisingly smart moment for an even DIMMER-witted character, Hanna’s mom notices Deputy Douchey snooping around Hanna’s stuff, recognizes that she is being played, and kicks him to the curb!   “SQUEEZE YOUR OWN DAMN GRAPEFRUITS, DEPUTY DOUCHEY!”

Speaking of grapefruits . . .

 . . . apparently, Hanna’s boyfriend, Sean, doesn’t want her squeezing his.  At a big keggar party, Hanna brings Sean to some “romantic” shed, straddles him, and starts to unbutton his shirt.  He rebuffs her advances, and calls her desperate.  Then, in a mind-boggling attempt at courtesy, he offers her his jacket before leaving her now-suicidal ass alone. 

To make matters worse, Hannaa gets a text message from A saying that “Hefty Hanna never gets her man.”  Is it any wonder she freaked out, stole the keys to Sean’s car, and crashed it into a tree? 

Well, actually . . . it IS kind of a wonder, because normal people just don’t react that way.  But it sure makes for great TV!

Spencer’s Sister hates Spencer’s guts, but LOVES the Russian Revolution!

Careful Spencer!  We all KNOW what happened the last time this Crazy Chica didn’t get her man . . .

When we last left our good pal, Spencer, she was swapping spit with her sister’s hot fiance, Wren, while, unbeknownst to either of them, Spencer’s sister looked on in horror.

Melissa quickly kicked Wren to the curb.  Now she is playing the guilt card for all its worth, ripping into Spencer every chance she gets, and forcing her parents to cancel all her wedding arrangements for her, because she is “too upset” to do it on her own.  But she did change her Facebook status on her own!  So THAT’s something!  (This reminds me . . . there should really be a separate status on Facebook that says:  Single . .  . because my sister is a better kisser than I am.)

Clearly having seen the One Tree Hill episodes featuring the “Crazy Nanny Carrie” storyline, Spencer knows her sister is NOT one to be messed with.  So she goes to visit Wren in hopes of squeezing his grapefruits getting him to clear her name, regarding the whole “kissing thing.”  (“He started it!”) 

Having been exhiled from La Casa de Uptight and Unfriendly, Wren is now crashing on his friend’s couch.  And he seems . . . different.  Gone are the argyle sweaters  and the too neatly combed hair.  Gone is the heavy British accent. (This actually might not have been intentional on the actor’s part.)  As a result, Wren seems to be an even better match for Spencer than he was before — younger looking and more genuine.

Wren claims he tried to help get Spencer back into her family’s good graces before he left, but to no avail.  “Perhaps my biggest mistake was falling in love with the wrong sister,” he admits. 

 Awwwww!  I was skeptical at first, but the idea of these two together has really grown on me.  I really want it to work out between them . . . even if that means a life spent living in fear of the wrath of Crazy Nanny Carrie  . . .

Later, a stressed out Spencer, who is too busy having sex dreams about Wren to write her OWN paper on the Russian Revolution, heads to her sister’s laptop and steals hers.  Mind you, her sister’s paper is SIX YEARS OLD.  She has graduated COLLEGE and yet her HIGH SCHOOL assignment is still easily accessible form her laptop. 

Now, I’m assuming that Melissa has purchased at least one new laptop between 2004 — when she wrote the paper — and now.  Because I HAD a laptop in 2004 . . . and it looked kind of like this . . .

OK . . . I’m exaggerating  . . . A LOT!  But, needless to say, Spencer’s sister’s laptop looked pretty new.  This means that she had to have LOVED her high school history paper on the Russian Revolution, SO MUCH that she took the time to transfer it over to her new computer all those years later.  Now, I’ll admit, there were one or two papers I wrote in high school that I kept around after graduation.  (There was one in particular about the way the show Dawson’s Creek dealt with loss of virginity among teens about which I was particularly fond.)  But a paper on the Russian Revolution?  COME ON!

We all know THIS little lapse of judgment is going to bite Spencer in the ass very soon.  Don’t we?

Give Me Shelter from the Slut

Speaking of Crazy Ladies, Aria’s got her hands full with quite a doozy of one, herself.  Apparently, Spencer’s father’s mistress, once a student of his, is now a teacher at the same college where he is a professor.  And her office just happens to be right across the hall from Daddy-O. 

“An apple for the teacher?  Or, perhaps, you’d prefer a squeezed grapefruit?”

To make matters worse, this mistress, named Meredith, seems intent on aggressively insinuating herself into Aria’s dad’s life, repeatedly stopping by unannounced whereever Aria’s father might happen to be at the time.  When Aria confronts Meredith, and calls her out on her stalking, Meredith DOESN’T deny it!  In fact, she basically tells Aria that it’s going to keep happening.  Furthermore, she implies that, because Aria is in high school, she can’t do anything about it. 

 Older fans of Pretty Little Liars might recognize the actress who plays Meredith, Amanda Schull, from her starring role in that very adorable dance film from a little while back, Center Stage . . .

Younger fans might remember Schull from the ABC Family Original Movie, Sorority Wars, which aired fairly recently.  In it, interestingly enough, Schull plays the nemesis of Lucy Hale, the girl who plays Aria on Pretty Little Liars.  Apparently, these two are just destined to hate one another on the small screen. 

 Infuriated by this recent turn of events, and by the fact that her mother continues to be kept in the dark about her father’s affair, Aria dashes off to Mr. Ezra Fitz’s apartment (How did she know where he lived?).  In a very sweet, and surprisingly chaste moment, the pair simply stand in silence, and hug one another close.  Aria cries silently, her head buried in Ezra’s chest, as he gently strokes her hair.  (And I am sighing, and getting all girly for the SECOND time, since this episode has begun.  What are you doing to ME, Pretty Little Liars?)

Emily, Two Psychos, and a Probable Lesbian = The Most Intense Love Square EVER!

“DUDE!  Ease up on the vulcan death grip, and I MIGHT let you watch me and Maya make grapefruit juice together . . . emphasis on MIGHT.”

Emily’s storyline was by far the most intense of the evening.  It started innocently enough, with more flirtation, touching and sexual innunedo exchanged between her and Miss “I Have a Boyfriend Back Home” Maya.  When her boyfriend, Ben, invites her to a “parent-free” party, Emily nonchalantly asks Maya to come with.  Ben is obviously annoyed by the invitation, but SEEMS to brush it off (emphasis on “seems”). 

To further complicate matters, Emily keeps getting intense looks from Toby Cavanaugh, older brother to the now-blind Jenna.  Toby was shipped off to boarding school the year before, for setting fire to the Cavanaugh garage, which, if you recall . . .

 . . . Ali did, not him. 

Spencer remembers Toby and Ali having a heated conversation, which implied that Ali had some very detrimental dirt on Toby.  After his conversation with Ali, Toby took the rap for setting the garage fire, even though it seems like he knows that it was the girls who did it.  Toby (pictured up top)  is actually kind of cute, in a “Norman Bates from Psycho” sort of way . . .

Come to think of it, Toby WAS hiding near the SHOWERS during this next scene . . . hmmm.

Later, in the girls locker room, after having taken a shower, Emily hears a noise, and is surprised to find her boyfriend, Ben, there.  In a disturbing, and seemingly out-of-character scene, Ben pushes Emily up against the locker and forces himself on her, ignoring her repeated cries of “NO!”

Out of the shower nowhere, Toby Cavanaugh comes and pushes Bad Beater Boyfriend Ben out of the way, clocking him hard in the nose.  A highly freaked out Emily extricates herself from the brawl and escapes, quickly dumping Ben on her way out.   

Later, at the keg party, a newly single, Emily arrives with Maya as her “date.”  The two enter into a photo booth (Riiiiiight!  Because every kid who throws a party when his parents are out of town, takes the time to rent a “photo booth” for the event . . . paid for with his parent’s credit card, of course.)

One thing leads to another, and, before you know it, these two are making out hard core, while the photo machine just snaps away.  While the pair is still inside, SOMEONE snatches the photographic kissing evidence . . . But who could it be?

Later that night, on her way home, Emily finds Creepy Toby Cavanaugh playing with an old-fashioned camera.  She thanks him from saving her from Bad Beater Boyfriend  Ex-Boyfriend Ben.  Toby says little, but is clearly crushing on our girl, Emily.  Later, blind Jenna, who overheard the exchange, DEMANDS that Toby explain why Emily thanked him.  “It’s not what you THINK!”  Toby insists.

Is it though?  The next scene shows a disembodied hand photocopying Emily’s and Maya’s purloined makeout pictures and plastering them all over his or her entire wall.  Could the wall belong to Toby?

Did I mention that “Dead” Ali’s bracelet has mysteriously appeared in the woods, since the last time the girls visited . . . even though Ali was purportedly buried with it?

Ooh!  This is getting good . . .

 

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An Obvious Lack of Impulse Control: A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Jenna Thing”

“I SEE YOU!  Just kidding .  . . I can’t REALLY see you!  (Or can I?)”

Summer television watching is all about guilty pleasures.  And, in its own ABC Family-approved way, Pretty Little Liars has quickly proven itself to be both undeniably “pleasurable,” and as insanely “GUILTY” as its four main characters are currently feeling.  During this week’s installment of the series, the girls banded together to face a new enemy, just as an old one reentered their lives.  Oh, and did I mention that this was the episode where everybody started randomly MAKING OUT with one another?

“I was hungry.  So, I thought it might be a good idea to eat your face . . .”

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

Deputy Douchey Strikes Back!

It’s only been two episodes, and I’ve already had just about all I can stomach of Deputy Douchey here.  (He has a real name, by the way.  I’ve just purposely chosen not to learn it.)  Seriously, how many cops do you know that would actually openly admit to screwing the mother of a murder suspect, just to get information on a case?

 Oh, and just so you know, Deputy Douchey, NO KIDS want to hear their mother being described as “HOT” in a sexual context!  And kids especially don’t want to hear this from a guy who is NOT their dad, but is still doing their mom, while the kids are sleeping under the same roof.

What’s with teen dramas always featuring these slimey, corrupt, and total inept cops?  As if repeatedly breaking up their keg parties wasn’t enough of a reason for teens to hate their “Friendly Neighborhood Policemen.”

I have a little proposition for you ABC Fam (I feel like the you and I are close enough now, that I can shorten your name, without fear of repercussion.)  Whoever the “big baddie” ends up being in this story, let’s have him or her KILL Deputy Douchey, PRONTO.  This way, I won’t have to see him on my screen anymore.  Then, the youth of America might have a bit less Cop Angst, as a result.  EVERYBODY WINS! 

So, anyway, Deputy Douchey stops by the school and gets our four main protagonists hauled down to the principal’s office.  This was kind of a big deal, as these don’t really seem like the type of girls used to spending extensive time in the High School equivalent of Maximum Security Prison.  Well, except maybe for Aria.  She did after all, used to have that “REBEL” pink stripe in her hair!  Oh, and Hanna, because she steals sunglasses from shopping malls.  Perhaps, it’s more accurate to say that Emily and Spencer don’t really seem like the type of girls used to spending extensive time in the principal’s office.

While the girls are headed toward their doom, they receive a text from the infamous “A.”  “Dead Girls Walking,” it says. 

Really A?  All that buildup, and you couldn’t come up with a better line than THAT?  You really HAVE been dead too long!

In the principal’s office, Deputy Douchey starts peppering the girls with accusatory questions.  And at this point, I’m just yelling at my television screen.  “LAWYER UP!  LAWYER UP!  Don’t say ANOTHER WORD! ”

Of the entire foursome, only Spencer is wise enough to at least inquire as to whether the girls should consider getting a lawyer.  And yet, after Douchey’s LAME assertion that this is “not an interrogation,” she just keeps right on answering his questions like everyone else.  It soon becomes pretty obvious that Douchey thinks the girls are at least accomplices, if not outright suspects, in Alli’s murder. 

Douchey subtly alludes to the fact that the girls were drinking alcohol the night of the accident, a fact they had kept from the police when they had initially given their statements the previous year.  He then not-so-subtly suggests that the girls’s stories sound rehearsed, and that they know someone who might have wanted Alli dead . . . This line of questioning causes the girls to immediately think about the infamous “Jenna Thing.”

Creepy Jenna and Her Insanely Loud “Cane of Destruction”

If you recall, during last week’s episode, the girls were shocked to find Jenna Cavanaugh in attendance at Alli’s funeral.  This week, we find out, her appearance wasn’t just a one time visit.  Apparently, she is back in town and attending high school with the girls.  Jenna had previously left school, upon becoming blind, over a year ago.  To make matters freakier, Jenna just keeps randomly popping up wherever the girls happen to be.

Did I mention she has the LOUDEST CANE EVER?  Two times, thanks to that massive cane, the girls HEARD Jenna coming, before they SAW her.  The first time, they were in a fairly empty diner, so it kind of made sense. 

But the second time, they were seated in a crowded and chatty HIGH SCHOOL LUNCHROOM.  But, man, was that cane LOUD!  Its sound was so INTENSE that it dwarfed any other sound within listening range, and rendered the world completely silent, in awe of it.  Understandably, every time the girls heard the Cane of Destruction, they noticeably panicked.  You know what the whole thing kind of reminded me of?  This . . .

Despite the girls’ obvious fear of Jenna and her Cane of Destruction, Aria decides to invite her to their lunchtable.  The problem is, everyone is too afraid that Jenna’s Cane will devour them whole, to actually talk to Jenna.  To Creepy Jenna’s credit, she prevents the scene from entering into silent movie territory, by carrying on an ENTIRE CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF.  “Everybody is so quiet.  This used to be the fun table.  What happened to you girls?”  Jenna inquires.

But no one answers her, so she continues talking.  “Alli visited me at the hospital once.  You know, everyone misunderstood Allison, but I knew exactly who she was.”

It’s Flashback Time Again . . .

Suddenly, we are flashed back to Emily’s room, a little over a year ago.  The girls are giggling and trying on clothes, when Alli suddenly goes apesh&t, convinced that some dude named Toby Cavanaugh (Jenna’s brother?) is ogling them in their undies through the bedroom window.  (I thought Emily’s room was on the second floor?)  The girls suggest going to the cops, but Alli has a better idea.  “Let’s light a stink bomb, and throw it in his garage hidey hole!”  She says, more or less.

By the way, am I the only one who NEVER learned how to make a stink bomb in high school?  How come this prissy biatch, Alli, immediately knew exactly how to do this, and I still can’t do it, to this day!  NO FAIR! 

Well, in all fairness, (1) Alli’s dead, so I shouldn’t really be envying HER at all; and (2) apparently, as it turns out, Alli was no stink bomb expert.  The “bomb” she made ended up blowing up Toby Cavanaugh’s hidey hole, apparently, while Jenna was inside of it.  As it was July 4th, and there were REAL fireworks going on outside, no one in town noticed or heard the explosion.   (Too bad Jenna’s Cane of Destruction wasn’t there at the time to warn them, because they DEFINITELY would have heard that. ) 

 Ultimately, the girls vowed to keep what happened a secret  forever.  Hence . . . “The Jenna Thing.”

Back in the present day, the girls are still silently not-at-all enjoying their lunch with Creepy Jenna, when “A” texts them the following, “I wish she could see the guilty looks on all of your faces.”  (OK “A,” that was a little funnier than “Dead Girls Walking” comment.  But not by much . . . Keep trying.)

Aria and Ezra Sitting in a Car.  Are They Kissing?  Yes They ARE!

Unlike some other teen dramas, the girls in Pretty Little Liars actually ATTEND classes, and we actually get to SEE THEM DO IT!

Shocking, I know!  Toward the beginning of the episode, Aria approaches Ezra / Mr. Fitz and asks him to sign a “Transfer Request” form.  She wants out of his English class.  Now, I should note that I was pleasantly surprised by Aria’s maturity and intelligence here.  SO MANY TIMES, I have watched films and shows featuring the student / teacher romance aspect.  And SO MANY TIMES I wondered why neither party to the affair thought to do this very same thing . . .

Yes, I’m looking at you Pacey Witter and Miss Jacobs! 

Mr. Fitz tries to convince Aria that they can both keep their emotions in check while in the classroom, but Aria’s not buying it, and neither are we.  Ultimately, Mr. Fitz relents and signs the Transfer Request.  And while I was applauding Aria for her righteous behavior, I couldn’t keep from wondering HOW exactly she planned to convince the administration to switch her to another English class, after only two short days.  Surely, “I’ve recently boned the teacher in a bar bathroom,” does not appear on the “Reasons for Transfer” portion of the request form . . .

That being said, it’s not exactly surprising that Aria’s Transfer Request is denied.  The sympathetic and loving looks Aria and Ezra silently share, after Aria passes him the declined request form and returns to her seat, are both beautiful and heartbreaking.  Brilliant performance here, on the part of both actors. 

That afternoon, Aria and her mother are heading to see the classic film It Happened One Night, when they run into, who else, but Mr. Fitz!

So, of course, Aria’s mom, in that humiliating way that only mom’s of teenagers can, invites Mr. Fitz to watch the movie with her and her daughter.  The awkwardness and sexual tension between soon-to-be-couple, Aria and Ezra, is palpable from the moment the lights dim and the film starts rolling.  The fact that these two don’t start screwing one another, right on top of Aria’s mother, is a pure miracle!

A few days later, Aria is walking home umbrella-less in the pouring rain when, who just so happens to drive by and see her?  Ezra Fitz of course!  (WOW, stalker much?) 

Ezra hesitates for a few seconds, before letting a wet Aria dash into his way-too-nice-to-be-bought-on-a young-teacher’s-salary car.  This time, the pair drop all appearances of “keeping their emotions in check” and go at it like bunnies.  The result is even hotter than you can imagine!

When Aria arrives home all wet (both inside and out), and smelling of New Car Sex, her father is there waiting for her.  “Something is going on with you,” he points out accusatorily.

But fear not!  Aria’s Daddy DID NOT figure out that Aria was boffing her English teacher in a car in the rain.  He simply wanted to talk about the only subject in which he has shown any actual interest since his first appearance on the show, namely, himself.

In a lame speech that sounded highly reminiscent of the mea culpas made by every politician who has ever screwed around SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, Aria’s dad blabbed on and on, about how he still loves Aria’s mom, and how his brief indiscretion is over, and how he simply let his emotions get the best of him. 

 (Yeah, buddy, you let something get the best of you, all right.  But I honestly don’t think it was your “emotions.”  Unless you happen to be one of those rare and special men who hide your “emotions” between your legs.)

Fortunately, for Aria’s Daddy, Aria is still high on endorphins and massive Os, so she actually buys into his crap.  Then again, Teacher F*cker Girl is not exactly one to judge now, is she?  Toward the end of the episode, Aria joins her family for some bonding over Chinese Food.  After all, wontons and fortune cookies have the power to make everything all right with the world . . .

That is, of course, until Aria receives yet another cryptic text message from “A.”  It says:  “When students kiss teachers, someone gets hurt.  And that’s a promise I’ll KEEP!”

Wacking Balls, Overachieving, and Homewrecking . . . Just Another Day in the Life of Spencer.

Spencer’s is definitely that uptight snooty girl, about whom all the high school boys would say, “That b&tch needs to get laid.”

(Fortunately, based on what we’ve seen of her during this episode, it looks like she might soon get EXACTLY that.)

After wacking off some field hockey “balls,” Spencer heads to dinner with her family, where she is ignored by her father, demeaned by her sister, and shamelessly flirted with by her sister’s fiance, Wren.  Back at home, Wren comes to Spencer’s room to apologize to her, because she has the bad luck of being saddled with such a crappy family.  He then randomly picks up an architectural book, and makes some cheesy comment about “appreciating beauty.”  All the while, Wren is staring at Spencer like she’s a Tootsie Pop that he can’t wait to lick a few times, before really biting into . . .

Before you know it, these two are making out hardcore!

Surprisingly, it’s the much younger Spencer, who puts an end to the spit-swapping session.  “We can’t do this,”she cautions.

And Wren, who is cute, but obviously not exactly the “faithful type,” stops.  And yet, he doesn’t look at all guilty for the “whole cheating thing.”  Rather, he looks pissed at “Prude Spencer” for making him stop, before he could round second base.  It’s television moments like this that make me FEAR marriage . . .

Except, seeing as Wren’s fiance Melissa was outside the door witnessing this whole exchange, and Wren was seen leaving the residence the following morning with packed boxes, it doesn’t look like “marriage” is something we are going to have to worry about here . . .

Maya the Lesbianator (Everything She Touches Turns to Gay!)

Despite having a “boyfriend back home,” Maya seems pretty darn desperate to get into Emily’s pants!  As soon as she arrives on screen, she’s rubbing up against her at every opportunity, insisting that the two share hot cocoa, and spooning Emily in her sleep, while not-so-subtly grazing her boobs, in the middle of the night. 

Oh, that ‘s right, Maya is “sleeping over at Emily’s” for a few days, in an attempt to free herself from the depressing black hole that is the “Dead Girl’s home” her parents stupidly purchased (probably off some scam website).

But just when it seemed as though Emily was giving in to the Passions of the Maya, she received .  . . you guessed it . . .a text message from “A,” this one said: “Did you get a goodnight kiss?  Here’s one from me, XO.”  (You know, for a straight girl, Emily sure kisses a lot of ladies, not all of them necessarily still living.  Kinky!)

In the final moments of the episode, Spencer is out jogging, when she comes across Blind (?) Jenna, sitting on a park bench.  Apparently, Jenna is using a talk-to-text computer to deliver text messages to cell phones.  “Send text now,” commands Jenna, as she offers a sinister, if unseeing, look at Spencer.

Could Jenna be the mysterious “A” that has been torturing the girls for the past two episodes?

Tune in next week to find out . . . Until then, don’t let the Cane of Destruction hit you where the Good Lord split you . . .

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