Tag Archives: Stiles

Very Unsanitary – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Ouroboros”

unsannSo, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, this past week. Do you want to know what I’ve decided makes the Dredd Doctors so terrifying?

It’s not the fact that I can never understand what the heck they are saying . . .

Or that they consider scuba masks with trench coats a fashion statement . . .

chatting with dreddyIt’s not even that they enjoy finding creative ways to murder teenagers, because every villain on this show does that . . . (bo-ring!)

Honestly, the Dredd Doctors freak me out, because they are such unbelievable pigs!

You want to know why all your little medical experiments are such “failures”, Dredd Doctors?

Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that you operate on your “patients” on top of cars . . .

zoinc. . . or on dirty floors and rusted operating tables . . .

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. . . reusing the same bloody medical equipment over and over again . . .

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. . . after “sterilizing” it in murky gross vomit water with little (but not cute) creatures living inside it . . .

nasty stuff

. . . and then, after you operate, you leave all these kids’ wounds exposed, gory and festering . . .

dirty tabblood wound

They have these things called Bandaids now, Dredd Doctors. Maybe it’s time you learned to use them . . .

bandaids

As if it wasn’t frustrating enough that the Dredd Doctors’ MO is murky at best: (Make the best wuzzle ever? Kill all the teenagers in Beacon Hills? Make everyone hallucinate for no conceivable reason? Turn Scott into a whiny b*tch?), they don’t even seem to be particularly good at their job!

A nice young studly doctor in a white lab coat, with a hospital full of sterile medical equipment, (not to mention lots and lots of bandaids!) would make way better wuzzles than these Dredd Dorks . . . just saying . . .

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Anywhoo, let’s review, mmm-kay?

[As always, a special thanks to Andre, who somehow manages to make an episode that, to me, looked like a big ole ugly infected wound, into a work of screencapping art!]

Deaton Goes on Spring Break

Possibly because flights to Disney World, Vegas and Hawaii were too expensive (Since no one in Beacon Hills lives long enough to get themselves a pet, the vet business in Beacon Hills isn’t what it used to be.), Deaton decides to take his annual vacation to . . . a water treatment facility somewhere in Europe that is seemingly identical to the one in Beacon Hills?

Talk about a waste of frequent flier miles!

cryptic vetApparently, the Dredd Doctors were there too. The Dredd Doctors just looooove water treatment facilities, which makes me really glad my liquid diet consists entirely of Sugar Free Energy Drinks and wine. Water is dangerous!

We know this particular water treatment facility is a hang out for the Dredd Doctors because it has their logo on it, the Ouroboros, which is basically a snake eating its tail. I don’t about you, but if I was a Franken Doctor, I would choose a mascot that inspired a bit more confidence . . .. like, for example, ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

ouroborosEating your own body parts is just a bad idea generally. I mean, I bite my nails on occasion, but you don’t see me listing it as a skill on my resume . . .

At the water treatment facility, Deaton meets Malia’s mom, the Desert Wolf, who helpfully kills Deaton’s Russian-accented friend, so that the two can have a “private conversation.” Why is Malia’s mom hanging out at a random water treatment facility in Europe? I don’t know. I decided to stop asking logical questions about this show around the same time Dead Peter became a ghost teenage version of himself, so that Lydia could dig up his grave and make out with his rotted corpse.

Anywhoo, Malia’s mom wants to kill Malia, supposedly, but hasn’t been able to do so for 18 years, even though she’s supposedly the best hit woman in the whole wide world.

kill againNice to meet you, Desert Wolf. You are going to fit right in on this show!

Meanwhile, back in Beacon Hills, Scott is frustrated, because Baby Wolf Liam has been kidnapped, and his Alpha Wolf nostrils can’t smell the kid anymore.

disturbedDamn you, Old Spice Deodorant! DAMN YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!

At the Adult Table . . .

Mama McCall is quickly becoming my second favorite character on this show. (First, is Stiles, obviously.) This makes me feel old and very uncool, but also like I have good taste, because Mama McCall is awesome. (Giving birth to Scott, notwithstanding.)

wordShe calls her soon-to-be boyfriend, Sheriff Stilinski over to her house to help her with a rather pressing matter. “You’re a strong man, aren’t you Sheriff Stilinski?” Mama McCall inquires coyly. “Think you could help me move this monster teen’s corpse with Kira’s sword in it off my kitchen table for me? It is really hard to serve pot roast on top of her, as the murder weapon keeps getting in the way.”

suspic“You do realize I have to report this dead body to the rest of the police department, don’t you?” Sheriff responds judgmentally.

“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud!” Mama McCall complains. “Teens on this show have the lifespans of fruit flies. Who is going to miss another dead one? This one didn’t even get a name. Now, move her, so I can eat my dinner!”

the deadbody in kit“No!” Sheriff Stilinski retorts. “This girl is dead and your son’s girlfriend killed her. I’m going to make sure she gets the death penalty, and try to get your son thrown in jail too, for having such awful taste in women. I’m not sure that’s a crime per se, but I’ll find a way to make it one.”

“Are you just behaving this way, so viewers will understand why Stiles is so freaked out about telling you he killed that punk who wanted to murder you in self-defense?” Mama McCall inquires.

“Pretty much,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

moving slapSo, Mama McCall does what any woman would do while hanging out with a corpse and a cop in the kitchen, she smacks Sheriff Stilinski in the face. “And to think, I was going to have sex with you on this murder table!” She mutters under her breath.

Mama McCall isn’t done having foreplay with Stiles’ dad yet though. She pops down to the station later on to file a police report about the dead body that is basically a recap of Seasons 1 through 5 of Teen Wolf.

“You know, I can’t file this, Melissa!” Sheriff Stilinski scolds. “There are way too many plot holes and inconsistent character development. Plus, who the heck is this Danny character? He’s around for four seasons, then he just disappears and everyone forgets he existed?”

sassy momThen, Mama McCall and Sheriff Stilinski start having hot angry hate sex right on Sheriff Stilinski’s desk . . . or at least they would if I wrote this episode . . .

Out on some random street, Kira is wandering around in a daze. So, Hayden’s sister tricks her into getting into the back of the cop car and arrests her for murder. Of course, she doesn’t read Kira her Miranda rights, so the arrest is totally invalid. But hey, at least they got the police code right. It’s 187 for homicide, like that 50 Cent song!

187 homicideKira’s dad confesses to the murder in Kira’s place, even though he totally thinks his daughter is a psycho fox killer, who will most definitely strike again. This makes him a good dad (better than Stiles’ dad!), but a bad member of society.

kira modeMeanwhile, over in the most unsanitary water treatment facility ever . . .

“Her condition worsens.”

The adorable Hayden and Liam are lying on matching operating tables, so that the Dredd Doctors can inject them with dirty water, and chop little pieces out of them for no logical reason. When the Dredd Doctors are done doing this, they leave the two teens on the dirty floor. They do this even though the operating tables aren’t in use, and it would make more sense to keep the teens on the tables, separated from one another, so they can’t (1) plot their escape; and (2) DIE FROM NASTY FLOOR INFECTIONS!

gross floorLiam tries to take Hayden’s pain from her by squeezing her hand in his own, but it doesn’t work, because his hands are not where Liam’s strength lies. (As we will find out, by the end of the episode, there are other parts of his body that are much stronger.)

mad about tLiam and Hayden are then taken to another room, where they meet another wuzzle, whose name is Zac, but whom, for purposes of convenience, I will call Exposition Chimera. Exposition Chimera helpfully tells Liam and Hayden that this is where the Dredd Doctors take all their failures, so they can morph into monsters, bleed silver, and then be subsequently murdered.

Exposition Chimera then shows Liam and Hayden his back, where he used to have wings, before the Dredd Doctors inexplicably chopped them off.   We know they used to be wings, because the Dredd Doctors are terrible at using scissors, and only cut off ¾ of the wings, so that two p*nis-like stubs can stick out of Exposition Chimera’s back.

my beck wiggle ing

Having given us all the information we need for this episode, which, honestly, isn’t much, Exposition Chimera starts bleeding silver, and is subsequently dragged away by the Dredd Doctors.

“Don’t worry,” Liam reassures Hayden. “Scott will save us before we bleed silver.”

“Scott?” Hayden inquires. “Isn’t that your loser friend who took a nap, while we got kidnapped, and has asthma, but needed you to growl at him so that he could remember how to use his inhaler?”

huh law“Yeah, that’s him,” Liam responds.

“We are SOOO dying!” Hayden replies.

We Interrupt this Important Plot Point to Bring You Deputy Parrish (a.k.a your friendly neighborhood Naked Garbage Man), in a Towel . . .

cleaned up speak up wearing a towel

You are welcome . . .

Reading is Fun. . . damental

Teen Wolf continues its war against literacy, when Kira angrily throws her Dredd Doctor book against the wall. “Mom, I’m supposed to read this book for Scott’s book club. But it’s a really sucky book with boring villains, so I can’t finish it. Also, I’m illiterate this season, because I’m dumb as a fox. Get it? Dumb as a fox? See, that was a clever play on a well-known saying the likes of which you’d never read in this crappy book,” Kira complains.

cant read kira“You should read the book backwards then,” Kira’s mom offers.

“But then I won’t understand it,” Kira argues.

“Which is exactly how fans feel about this Dredd Doctor plot . . .” Kira’s mom notes wisely.

bookKira reads the book backwards, and it causes her to remember that time in the premiere episode, when the Dredd Doctors experimented on her right in the middle of a traffic jam on Highway 115, in front of thousands of people, but nobody cared or tried to stop it, including her parents, because most drivers are selfish bastards.

best expWe interrupt this important plot point to bring you the first initial of Stiles’ real name

m stil

It’s “M”. Even though a few seasons back it was “G”.

genimYou are welcome . . .

Finding Liam

Desperate to locate Baby Wolf and Little Miss Baby Wolf, an increasingly desperate Scott rapes the back of chimera Corey’s neck to tap into his memories. Evil Theo watches him do this, and silently reminds himself to wear turtlenecks every day for the rest of the season . . .

neck tap liking neck tapOnce Corey’s neck has been successfully impregnated, Scott draws what he was thinking about during the whole neck fondling incident. It looks a bit like this . . .

drawingnow kiss cartoon

Just kidding. He draws the water plant! Scott, Malia and Mason immediately head there to find the baby wolves, while Theo continues to grill Corey on the information that was conveniently left out during the whole neck rape thing, like WHERE IN THE HUGE WATER PLANT CHIMERAS ARE ACTUALLY KEPT.

Long story short. Scott, Malia and Mason wander around the water plant aimlessly for hours, while Scott cries for his mother, and puffs on his inhaler. Then, Theo rescues both Baby Wolves in about the amount of time it takes someone to take a leak after they drank a small glass of soda . . .

open sesameIn the car, on the way home, Liam the PLAYA has come up with another idea on how to remove Hayden’s pain. He’s going to do it with his p*nis! Just kidding . . . it’s with his tongue. But still. Smooth, Liam, very smooth!

the mack daddTheo creepily watches the pair of baby wolves eating each others’ faces off in his rearview mirror, and contemplates canceling his internet porn subscription. Between this, and his front row seat to the neck raping earlier this episode, he’s totally covered in the sexual desires department.

creepin on

A Naked Garbage Man’s Job is Never Done

Back at the morgue, Parrish successfully mists an entire police force to steal yet another body, and is back on the job before you can say, “These cops are terrible!”

another body

Parrish acts so shady throughout the whole episode that it’s pretty much as if he’s wearing a t-shirt that says, “The Naked Garbage Man: Carrying Dead Bodies to a Tree without Wearing any Underwear Since Episode 2.”

soking dub

“I knew I should never have smoked those twelve doobies before coming to work. So incredibly baked right now.”

But just in case you happen to be illiterate like Kira, he also leaves his nametag at the scene for Lydia to find.

“For most people, this would be a total dating dealbreaker,” Lydia explains. “But if you’ve met any of my previous boyfriends, you’d know that psychopathy, multiple personality disorder, and a generalized fear of wearing clothes are pretty much my three biggest turn-ons.”

lydia smirk

Scott has a Major Case of the Sads

Good news, Kira’s dad fans . . . or should I say, the one person who really likes Kira’s dad . . . who is probably Kira’s mom? No dead body equals no murder, so the cops have to let him go.

Once this happens, Kira and her family decide to skip town, so that Kira won’t accidentally murder someone and leave her dead body on his boyfriend’s mom’s kitchen table. (I mean, obviously, she’ll keep murdering people, she’ll just leave them on kitchen tables that don’t belong to her boyfriend’s mom.)

poor kira

Kira’s fox self has been hitting the steroids hard, since it first appeared on the show . . .

old fox

Kira says goodbye to Scott, and the Lord is so sad about this that he cries raindrops down on them from Heaven. I’m not talking one or two tears here either. This is some serious ugly-face cry, bawling that’s going on here.

mackin in the rainpeace

We end the episode with Scott sitting in a closet, holding the leash of a dead dog. The pathetic scene is pretty much a metaphor for the character’s super crappy life right now.   “I am the worst True Alpha ever,” Scott mopes.

dead dog leash

“Yeah, pretty much,” Mama McCall agrees. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to see if I can find Sheriff Stilinski on Tinder, so I can right swipe his ass all night long.”

climb that like a tree badelaI love Mama McCall! Until next time, Werebangers!

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Little Miss Kanaima Be Wrong – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Dreamcatchers”

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“Heading to Old Navy. I hear they are having a sale on performance fleeces . . .”

If you’ve been watching Teen Wolf this season and thinking to yourself, “You know what this show needs?  More wuzzles!”

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Than this is the episode for you!

Last week, the mysteriously appearing and disappearing at will, rain slicker and gas mask wearing “doctors” made a wuzzle out of sleepwalking Tracey.

trac wolf

This week, we got to see Wuzzle Tracey in action . . . also a new wuzzle was born .  . .

Also this week, on Teen Wolf, Malia learned to drive, a wuzzle prevented Papa Stilinski from being laid, Liam spent more time in a hole, someone took over Derek Hale’s role as most objectified male on the show, and something super gross came out of Tracey’s backside .  .  .

Let’s review, shall we?

but first

Special thanks to Andre for all the spectacular screencaps you see here.

Mystery Date

He’s single, Ladies!  Nearly a week after removing his widower wedding ring, Papa Stilinski finally bit the bullet and made himself a Tinder profile.

got haircut

RIGHT SWIPE!

But since there are only three women over the age of 30 still alive in Beacon Hills, his options are rather limited .  . .

Also limited for Sheriff Stilinski .  . . his free time.  There is nothing like planning a date twenty minutes after you’ve just finished receiving death threats from a prisoner you are having transported to lockup, to kill your boner dead . . .

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Fortunately, Stiles is on hand to lighten the mood, instructing the death threat maker to try making the threat using a Christopher Walken voice instead.  Because even bad news is positively hilarious when its delivered by Christopher Walken.

funky

Along for the ride with the non Christopher Walken sounding prisoner is now-Wuzzle Tracey’s dad, who also happens to be his lawyer.  “Hey, I don’t like Sheriff Stilinski either,” Tracey’s dad admits.  “He totally stole my best opportunity for a Tinder date.  This town is a complete sausage factory.  I’m really considering becoming a homosexual.”

We interrupt this commercial for Match.com to bring you TRACEY MURDERING EVERYONE, INCLUDING HER OWN DAD!

Only the prisoner, Donovan, manages to escape, which I would care more about if he was able to do a decent Christopher Walken voice, like Stiles suggested . .  .

The Wuzzle-Making Doctors find Donovan and stick a drill in his ear, because maybe he has really bad ear-wax build-up?

vlcsnap-9290-09-18-20h01m46s355 Perhaps, with cleaner ears Donovan will be able to do better Christopher Walken impersonations when threatening Papa Stilinski.  And that would be a win-win for everyone . .  .

She Drives Me Crazy

As has already been established in previous episodes, Malia is terrible driver, who experiences PTSD panic attacks of the time she killed her adopted mom and sister in a car by coyote-ing out on them, every time she gets behind the wheel.

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Because of this, Lydia and Kira decide it would be an absolutely fabulous idea to take her driving in the middle of the night on a dark public road, with no street signs, where the chance of her inadvertently murdering someone is at its absolute highest.

Supposedly smart Lydia is obviously not thinking clearly.  I blame ear-wax build-up.  Maybe she needs a cleaning from the Wuzzle making doctors, like Donovan got.

During the driving lesson, Lydia gets a feeling that someone has just been murdered, and instructs Malia to drive them to the crime scene, so she can run all the dead people over with her car . .  .

Just kidding.

This is when our trio of ladies come upon dead Tracey’s dad.  Ruh-roh!

Up above the scene, Creepy Theo is watching the scene, and looking creepy, while a blinking neon sign over his head saying “I’m the Bad Guy,” follows him wherever he goes . . .

creeper

with the hammer

Scott gets called to the scene to find the now missing Donovan, and does a backflip for no logical reason whatsoever.  (Perhaps, backflips help wolves to find criminals who are bad at doing Christopher Walken impressions, and have really clean ears.)

no idea what im doing

The Inner Circle

Back at the police station, Deputy Parrish notes that, in addition to killing her dad, and mortally wounding two officers, Tracey also killed her shrink.  “I’ll call Scott,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

“Hey, did you ever notice that the teenagers solve all the crimes on this show, while us law enforcement folk stand around with our thumbs up our asses waiting to get murdered?” Parrish muses.

“Whatever, I have a date to get prep for,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.  “Go stick your thumb up your ass, your responsibilities for this episode are over.”

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At school, after heeding the call from Sheriff Stilinski, the Scooby Gang hold a pow-wow regarding what they should do about Murderous Wuzzle Tracey.

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“Hey, not that I’m one to judge girls who unwittingly kill their family members while in an animal state, but we should totally kill this b*tch,” offers Malia.

“We can’t .  . . there’s still 40 minutes left in this episode, and she’s pretty much all that happens during it.  If she croaks, we might as well all go home and play with our X-Boxes and/or jerk off,” explains Scott.

“Intense,” says Mason, about ten times during this conversation.

intense

“Da f*&k is this guy?” Stiles wonders out loud.

inner circle inner circle 2 no

“He’s you,” Liam offers.

“I’m a gay black teenager?”  Stiles inquires, clearly confused.

“He’ll become the new human / comic relief / heart of the show, after you become a big movie star, and stop wanting to hang out with us MTV teenyboppers,” Liam clarifies.

“Intense,” adds Mason.

intense

“OK, but he’s gotta work on his vocabulary,” Stiles insists.

“Hodor . . . I am Groot .  . . Intense,” responds Mason.

hodor

groot

“That’s a start,” Stiles offers.

Scratch and Sniff

Liam finds Wuzzle Tracey sitting in the back of his history class with really gnarly bare feet, and tells Scott using his wolfy telepathy.

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Even though Tracey is a senior, is not supposed to be in Liam’s history class, and seriously looks like she is tweaked out on some heavy duty drugs, Kira’s dad doesn’t notice anything at all out of the ordinary . . . probably because he’s an adult, and pretty much all the adults on this show are morons.

“Hi I’m Liam’s love interest, and I’m new to the show.  You look like you are new too.  What’s your name?”  Liam’s love interest asks Tracey.

“Die,” responds Wuzzle Tracey, only she says it in Wuzzle language, so you can’t understand her.

“I can’t die.  I told you, I’m Liam’s love interest, which basically means I’ll be Kira in about two seasons,” Liam’s love interest explains.

the gum chewer

“Fine,” relents Wuzzle Tracey. “Then, I’ll just scratch you, which is supposed to paralyze you, because, spoiler alert, I’m a kanaima, but will have no effect on you whatsoever, because you are something super natural, because as a rule Teen Wolf 2.0 can only have one human main character and that slot is already taken by Mason.”

“OK, just don’t scratch my face, or else Liam won’t think I’m pretty anymore.  He seems really shallow,” responds Liam’s love interest.

Then, Wuzzle Tracey scratches the arm of Liam’s love interest, and passes out on the floor in a puddle of her own silver drool.  SO EMBARRASSING!

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“Keep pulling gross sh*t like that, and you will never get a love interest on this show,” warns Liam’s love interest, as she rushes off to reapply her lipstick.

Scott carries Wuzzle Tracey to Deaton’s office for a veterinary examination, and Stiles and Malia come along for the ride.

“OK, she drooled grey stuff, which made her look ugly, so she’ll never have a love interest on this show, which makes her useless as a character by MTV standards.  Now can we kill her, pretty please?”  Malia begs.

kill her

“No, because there are still twenty minutes left in the episode, and it has no B plot.  So, we have to let us put all our lives in mortal danger first,” Scott insists.

so depressing

“Twenty minutes, that’s not a lot of time,” explains Deaton.  “Why don’t I speed up the process, by locking you and Malia in this room using mountain ash, so you can’t escape her, and needlessly slicing into her spine under the guise of ‘research.’”

“Cutting into her spine?  Won’t that kill her, in a way that’s way more cruel and painful than the lethal injection I suggested?”  Malia asks.

(Clearly, Malia stole every other characters’ “smart pills” this week, because she’s the only one who seems to be having rational thoughts.)

“Possibly,” admits Deaton.  “Or it could result in a really gross special effect, where a lizard thing crawls through her back, turns into a tail and explodes through her butt, paralyzing us all in the process.”

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“Intense,” offers Mason.

intense

“You’re not even in this scene.  SHUT UP!” Scott, Stiles, Malia and Deaton shout out in unison.

Long story short, Wuzzle Tracey is apparently a kanaima a la Jackson, only she’s conveniently immune to mountain ash.  So, after her butt explodes into a tail and poops paralytic juice all over half the cast of Teen Wolf, she escapes.

Now, everyone is taking a nap on the floor of Deaton’s office.

“It’s all you, True Alpha,” Deaton offers.  “Go save the world from Wuzzle Tracey and her murderous paralytic tail poop.”

“Maybe later, I’m tired,” explains Scott.  “Malia can go.”

devast

“On it,” replies Malia.  “I bet Tracey’s too busy murdering people, she hasn’t had time to shower since last week.  She must be ripe.   I’ll smell her from ten miles away.”

So Many Holes, So Little Time

fell in hole

Meanwhile, Liam and Mason go visit Buddah Werewolf / Playgirl Model Brett for no logical reason, other than to ogle his sexy man boobs.

brett pose

“Intense,” Mason says, because what else would he say?

intense

“I just remembered that I found a necklace that time I fell in a hole, and it was wuzzle Tracey’s.” Liam explains.  “I didn’t pick it up, because being inside a hole reminded me of my love interest . . . also the movie Holes starring Shia Lebeouf.”

holes

Liam, Mason and Brett go off to find Liam’s hole, which isn’t nearly as much fun as it looks.

They end up finding a hole, but Wuzzle Tracey’s necklace isn’t inside, so it isn’t Liam’s.  It’s somebody else’s hole. How embarrassing.

so depressing

Liam and Brett speculate that there are holes all over Beacon Hills and SOMEONE, aka the Doctors, are burying people in them . . . possibly after they turn them into Wuzzles.

(You know who isn’t in a hole?  Donovan.  He’s in jail, but now his eyes look like the drool coming out of Tracey’s mouth.  That must have been some serious ear cleaning he had.)

“Intense,” says Mason.

intense

Somebody buy this guy a thesaurus, or at least a vowel.

Strike a Pose

After a quick breaking and entering to Tracey’s house, Lydia and Kira decide that kanaima Tracey is a homicidal somnambulist, who doesn’t know that her dream self is purposely targeting everyone who helps her . . . including Lydia’s mom . . . who is now on her date with Stiles’ dad.

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(P.S. The actors are married in real life.)

At the same time, Malia smells stinky Wuzzle Tracey, and the whole cast, except for Stiles, Scott and Deaton, who are still napping, reconvene at the police station.

Wuzzle Tracey paralyzes some officers, from her perch on the ceiling of the police station, Sheriff Stilinski looks up and says, “What a cock block!”

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Kira tries to battle Wuzzle Tracey with her samurai sword, but because she sucks at sword play, Wuzzle Tracey stabs Lydia with her tail.  Then Kira inexplicably becomes the red Powerpuff girl and strikes model poses for what seems like ten minutes, before slicing off Wuzzle Tracey’s tail.

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powerpuff

Tracey hates Powerpuff Girls, so she decides to blow this popsicle stand, dragging Mama Martin to the basement of the police station with her.

Malia follows after Wuzzle Tracey to have a staring contest with her.  This is smart plan because everyone knows that homicidal somnambulists suck at staring contests.  “I bet you wish you were dreaming still, but you aren’t and your life really sucks, because you killed everyone who gives two sh*ts about you.  Also, you smell really bad, and can never be anyone’s love interest because you drooled silver and pooped paralytic juice on most of the men in the cast,” explains Malia to a no-longer Wuzzled Tracey.

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“I wanna die,” Tracey thinks to herself, because, wouldn’t you, if this was your life?

“That can be arranged,” says the Doctors, who lethally inject Tracey, while a frustrated Malia looks on.

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“Seriously?  You couldn’t have done that 40 minutes ago, before I became emotionally invested?”  Malia complains.

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Then, the Doctors disappear, because they know they have absolutely no chance to win a staring contest against Malia.

And that was “Dreamcatcher” in a nutshell.

Next week on Teen Wolf  . . . more Wuzzles, and Mason will say “intense” at least 27 times.

See ya then!

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Back to the Effed Up Future – A Brief Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Creatures of the Night” and “Parasomnia”

trac and doc

“Is that a hypodermic needle in your pocket and a scuba hat on your head, or are you just happy to see me?”

Well, Wolfbangers, after what seems like 15 years (but was actually only four), Scott McCall and his rag tag gang of werewolves, banshees, kitsunes and Stiles but not Allison, or Isaac, or Boyd, or Danny, or Ethan, or Aiden, or Derek, or Erica, or Cora, or Jackson have finally made it to their much- awaited senior year. It’s a time for rituals, parties, prom, and graduation. But because this is Beacon Hills, it is, apparently, also a time for Wuzzles . . .

For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Wuzzles were basically children’s introduction into how creepy the wacky world of genetic engineering can be. Hailing from the Land of Wuz, the Wuzzles were crazy hybrids of two distinct members of the animal kingdom with conveniently predictable names (Bumblelion, Eleroo, Rhinokey) and refreshingly unmentioned lineage (because the idea of a bumblebee and a lion porking is not the kind of thing anyone wants to spend too much time thinking about).

Wuzzles2

They also seem to be the new Big Bads’ go-to Modus Operandi . . .a werewolf with eagle talons . . .another werewolf that climbs roofs, picks locks, and eat crows, a werewolf that can steal the powers of a wolf outside of his own pack . . . another werewolf that looks nice enough but ends up being a total douchebag . ..

evil

A werewolf who takes AP Biology despite seemingly not being able to read . . .

ephemeral

A Phoenix (I mean, obviously, Parrish is a phoenix, even though they’ve spent 2.5 seasons pretending otherwise), who fawns over age and situation inappropriate women, and is, unlike the Hufflepuff Hogwarts house in which he so obviously belongs, a really terrible finder.

investigating

In other news, Stiles is finding himself nostalgic for the good old days, which is kind of crazy, because seriously, does he remember how awful the last four seasons have been for him? Like the time he was going to bone a hot chick and, moments later, she got brutally murdered by his English teacher, or that time he turned into an Evil Toilet Paper Head with awful teeth, while rotting in a scary mental institution?

nogitsune teeth

Seriously . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

dance

[As always a special Werebanging thank you to my pal Andre, who provided all the awesome screencaps you see here.]

Flash-Forward

screaming lyd

“IS IT FRIDAY YET?”

Sometime in the not-so-distant future, Lydia Martin is in the nuthouse, a.k.a Eichen House. Being institutionalized has become kind of a rite of passage on this show, seeing as about half of the cast has already done some time (and exchanged bodily fluids) there.

eichen house cover

When we first reunite with Lydia, our girl is just chilling in the shower, just a wee bit lobotomized. (Is that an actual thing? Being a little bit lobotomized? Is that like saying someone is a little bit paraplegic?)

zombie yd

Anyway, she’s staring off into space, and kind of drooling, and doing that whole zombie shuffle step thing, as some unsmiling attendants roughly manhandle her toward her bed deep in the confines of the psych ward. (Why is it that on every show featuring an insane asylums, all the attendants are sadistic sociopaths? Have all TV writers had really bad childhood experiences in nuthouses? Because it would certainly explain a lot.)

shuffle stepthriller-dance_o_GIFSoup_com

So, logically, the unsmiling attendants want to shoot her up with more drugs to “calm her down” or make her OD or whatever.

lyd lookin up injection

Unfortunately, for the unsmiling attendants, for reasons that science and logic most definitely cannot explain, the drugs actually end up having the opposite effect on our favorite ginger banshee. Not only do they totally wake Lydia out of her drug induced stupor . . .

They also instantaneously teach her to become an X-Men Mutant Ninja Warrior . . .

lyd banshee powering lyd kicking ass

(Warning for the Kiddies: Intravenous drug use will not turn you into an X-Men Mutant / awesome kickass ninja.  Do not try this at home .  . . or in your insane asylum, wherever it is you happen to live.)

Unfortunately, all that solid IV drug use is no match for Drippy Ghost Aiden, who is both literally drippy because he is soaked in the convenient downpour that has just overtake Beacon Hills, and metaphorically drippy, because he’s delivering his lines to Lydia as if he’s reading to her the side effects on the prescription label of a bottle of Viagra.

da fuk

“You are so boring. I can’t believe you and I used to bone.”

aiden

The Eichen House folks are done with Aiden’s complete inability to emote too, apparently. . . so they shock Lydia into unconsciousness to put an end to these shenanigans.

taken down

And that’s when she turns into the Hulk AND MURDERS THEM ALL DEAD WITH HER BARE HANDS!

smash 2

Just kidding, this time she just passes out, maybe they should have done that whole taser thing a bit earlier. It would have kept everyone dry, and avoided a lot of hassle. But, hey, hindsight is twenty, twenty, right?

Lydia is brought back to bed, has some really horrible flashbacks of all sorts of terrible things that will, apparently be happening to her friends this season. She then looks on in horror, as a doctor casually contemplates drilling a hole in her skull.

cutting head

“Will drilling a hole in my head mess up my hair?”

Sucks to be Lydia Martin, right?

nodding oh yeah

Unless, of course, the skull drilling has the reverse effect it’s supposed to and Lydia becomes the smartest girl in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD . . .

But first . . .

but first

We have to travel back in time to figure out how everything went to total and complete sh*t . . .

The Wall Flower

While investigating a noise complaint, Deputy Parrish comes upon a man stuck inside a wall, and attempts to free him, which . . . doesn’t exactly end up going as planned . . .

gross guy

“I hate you, Parrish, and your smooth perfect skin!”

For one thing, the man seems to be completely covered in black goo, which completely clogs the pores of the Deputy’s flawless poreless skin, the instant he comes in contact with it. He may even get a pimple. And everyone knows that a pimple-faced Parrish would be the absolute worst thing to happen to Teen Wolf, since Derek Hale stopped having perfectly pointless erotic dream sequences in every episode.

derek dream 2 romy kicks ass

Wolfman has these weird eagle talons that steal Deputy Parrish’s powers . . . you know, the ones he still isn’t entirely aware that he has.

the nais

Someone needs a mani / pedi!

Also they kill him . . .

dying parrish

“I always knew my chiseled good looks would be the death of me.”

BabyScared

Then, Dead Parrish has a wet dream where Lydia sticks her tongue down his throat, and he comes back to life.

making lyd and par

“Best . . . death . . . ever.”

Now, that’s what I call a powerful wet dream tongue. (Is that another unknown banshee power about which we are not yet aware?)

Deputy Parrish’s dubious powers and flawless skin are restored! Hooray!

phoenix parrish

Too bad he’s still kind of crappy at his job (maybe if Lydia has sex with him, she can cure that ailment as well!), as we will see in the second hour.

Bonding with Bondage

bondage with ian

“This is not nearly as much fun as they make it seem in the books.”

It’s Full Moon time in Beacon Hills, which means it’s an excellent opportunity for Scott and Stiles to introduce Liam to the wild and wonderful world of bondage. While little Liam is embracing his own personal Red Room of Pain, Scott and Stiles are waxing poetic about the one thing way more frightening that eagle-taloned pour ruiners, and unsmiling nuthouse attendants who drills holes in your skull. Of course, I’m referring to . . . THE FUTURE!

regression to mean

Stiles worries that the band will break up after high school. He hears his dad’s cautionary tale of his no longer keeping in touch with any of his friends from high school, and it terrifies him. Scott worries that things have been going to well (translation: boring) for him and all his friends during the off-season. So, under the principle of Regression to the Mean, things are going to have to go to hell pretty soon, right? Like, say in the next ten minutes of the show?

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Malia is worried her time being home schooled in the woods as an honest-to-goodness coyote has put her so behind in her studies that she won’t be able to become a senior like her friends . . . also that she may get really hungry one day and eat her friends . . . like that time she accidentally ate her mom and sister.

unsure malia

That evening, yet another massive storm breaks out in Beacon Hills (do these people live in a rainforest?), and Kira worries she won’t get to the library in time for the senior ritual of vandalizing it with permanent markers.

Fortunately, Scott is there to suck her face in the middle of the traffic jam / rain storm. How romantic!

majug

Later, that power stealing, eagle talon having, perfect pore ruining demon attacks and almost steals powers from Scott at the school, en route to the Senior Scribe, while all his friends stand around and watch looking vaguely bored. It is, Season 5, after all.  They’ve all been there, seen that.

power steal

“Your skin is almost as flawless as Parrish. Grrr.”

come at me

Eventually, Scott disarms the monster, who runs off crying to his doctor friends in gas masks, who reward him for his generalized suckiness at life by brutally murdering him!

Huzzah! The pores of the men of Beacon Hills have been miraculously saved! Or have they?

Scott & Allison 4 Eva A Few Seasons

aa

Over at the Senior Scribe the whole cast (except for Liam, because he’s a tiny tot, and the parents, because they are old as dirt) write their initials on a library bookshelf in a metaphor for their friendship and pack status. Malia gets to write hers too, because, apparently, being in school for a week of your junior year guarantees you graduation status.

the gang

In a genuinely sweet moment, Scott scribbles the dearly departed Allison Argent’s initials “AA” into the mix, indicating that while Ms. Argent’s body may no longer be fighting supernatural crime with her friends, her spirit most certainly is . . .

dark allison 2 erisaac

“Three seasons as the star of this show, and all I got from you were my initials in lousy permanent marker?”

“Hi, my name is Theo.   I’m the dubiously motivated Shady Hot New Person of this season. (P.S. I’m also evil.”)

theo

Because half of the cast has already left the show, Teen Wolf is in definite need of some tasty and fresh man meat.

Enter Theo, a supposed old friend of Stiles’ and Scott’s from fourth grade — who claims to have been turned into a werewolf during, no joke, a freak skateboarding accident – has heard about Scott’s True Alpha status, and wants to join his pack.

wipe out

Maybe the werewolf bit him, because he hated his dorky hat . . .

Theo’s story, and Theo, himself, are both basically full of sh*t. Stiles and Liam recognize this instinctively, but Scott, being Scott, instinctively trusts Theo. Just like he trusted his English Teacher Jennifer . . . Kate and Grandpa Argent . . . and occasionally Peter Hale . . . and we all know how well all that turned out.

really hot why worried

Detective Stiles a.k.a Batman is officially on the case (with his adorable sidekick Liam a.k.a. Robin, of course)!

theo equals evil

He notices that Theo’s dad’s signature on something he wrote in fourth grade, and something he wrote transferring him to Beacon Hill’s high look crazy different. It’s highly suspicious . . . maybe . . . I guess.

They go on a stakeout!

stakeout with stiles

Which basically involves Stiles and Scott watching Theo put flowers on his dead sisters grave, and Liam hanging out in a hole next to a very suspicious-looking necklace, and not picking it up, despite it undoubtedly being the key to this whole season.

in a hole

“Yeah, because this isn’t a thinly veiled metaphor for my bourgoning sexuality at all.”

fell in hole

“See?” Says Scott. “Theo isn’t a sociopath at all. He’s just your garden variety sexy werewolf . . .”

“Yeah, I’m not a sociopath at all!” Theo insists, when confronted with the mysterious errant dad signatures.

They look the same to me.

They look the same to me.

Then, nice normal Theo does what any of us would do in such a situation, he goes and breaks his “father’s” hand for having such sloppy handwriting.

with the hammer

“Good penmanship is important, dammit.”

Then, he goes into a forest and burns bunnies while dancing around naked and worshipping Satan . . .

Scott McCall: True Alpha Veterinarian

vet scott

“Hey buddy? Think you can help me pass biology? Bark once for yes, twice for no.”

While working at Deaton’s, the owner of one of the dog’s Scott does his weird “arm fondling pain sucking” thing to mistakes him for a vet.

So, of course, Scott decides that this is exactly what he wants to do when he grows up (which, given the fact that he already looks about 30, should happen in a few months).

There’s only one problem. You see, Scott . . . well, he’s not exactly the sharpest wolf-colored crayon in the box. Also, he can’t read all that well, and can’t count higher than 21, and that’s only because he has a weird extra toe.

no idea what im doing

Of course, all that doesn’t matter, when you can cure animals just by feeling them up a little bit. But before Scott can fondle animals professionally, first, he will have to graduate . . . and, apparently, because it is highly plot convenient, take AP Biology, with Lydia, Kira, and Evil Theo.

Liam: Gummy Butt Werewolf

weird face

“Chicks man . . .”

You know what’s adorable? When studly twinks have absolutely no game. Enter Liam, who positively melts into a puddle of teen awkwardness when a lovely lady from his recent past (sixth grade, just in case this show wasn’t making me feel old enough as it is) gives him a healthy dose of side eye, and puts a wad of gum on his seat.

the gum chewer

Apparently, back in the day 10-year old Liam wronged Gummy Girl in some way (maybe by putting gum on her seat), and she never quite forgave him.

disgusted sum gum on butt

Don’t sweat it Liam, that’s how teeny bopper women show their love!

wants to hit that

“Is that a big wad of gum on your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

In other Liam news, Teen Wolf’s littlest wolf cub was having a bit of difficulty “coming out” as a werewolf to his pal Mason.  So, New Guy Evil Theo decided to help out . . .

the wolf wolfing out li mason knows theo as wolf

Problem solved!

(So, apparently, recently-turned werewolf Evil Theo can turn into a full-wolf, whereas Scott and most of his pack can’t? Yeah, because that’s not suspicious at all . . .

A Feast for Crows

In other new character news, meet Tracey . . . (She’s single!)

vomiting feathers

“They told me it would taste like chicken?”

Her hobbies include having weird nightmares about crows and doctors and occasionally vomiting black goo . . .

But fear not, Tracey. Lydia and Deputy Parrish are going to use coming to your rescue as an excuse to eyef*ck one another shamelessly.

lookout dead birds

“Hey Parrish, can you come to this girl’s house, who I’ve never met before in my life and investigate it for this season’s Big Bad P.S. I’m 18, and basically graduated from high school. I’m only taking A.P. Biology for plot reasons, so I’m totally legal, OK fans?” Lydia inquires.

flirting with lyd

“Sure! I won’t find him, because I’m horrible at my job, but I’d love to stand on a chair and ignore the family of dead crows rotting outside her window, while you ogle my ass,” responds Parrish. “Then, later that night, I’ll camp outside her house, so we can have a booty call there at midnight when you ‘bring me coffee,’ and our squad car will be rocking so hard we’ll totally miss when zombie Tracy wanders off into the wilderness in her PJs.”

dukoff

“Hmm . . . I wonder what Lydia looks like naked . . .”

“Sounds awesome,” replies Lydia. “P.S. I love you because all my previous boyfriends left the show, the writers won’t let me couple up with Stiles, even though I obviously should, and you are pretty much the only single male available, despite your being way too old for me.”

“Works for me,” answers Parrish. “Chances are three quarters of the women in this town will be dead or evil by the end of this season, so I’ll take what I can get.”

flirting 2 with ly

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, the Doctors corner Tracey and pump her up with some drugs, that make her remember how she broke through her own window and ate all the crows on her roof, yet somehow still managed to maintain her girlish figure. (Possibly from all the black goo vomiting.)

trac wolf

Oh, and they’ve also made her into a werewolf, so there’s that . . .

And that, my friends, was the first two nights of Teen Wolf, in a nutshell.

What say you, Wolfbangers? Why do the doctors keep making Wuzzles? What’s Theo’s deal? Will Scott pass his AP Bio exam? How many episodes before the inevitable Lydia and Parrish hookup? Who the heck is Malia’s mom? Will Liam ever get that gum off his ass?

dancing stiles moon

Until next time . . .

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Presto Chango – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale “Smoke and Mirrors”

presto chango iii

Game of Bones . . .

Have you ever seen a children’s magic show? By design, a children’s magic show has to be different from its adult counterpart. You see, children generally don’t have the patience for the pomp and circumstance of adult magic shows . . . the “mood music,” the attractive scantily clad assistant, the table that spins in the center of the stage for no apparent reason than to make the audience dizzy.

Because of this, children’s magic shows tend to consist of a variation of the same magic trick, over and over again. “Presto chango.” This hat is empty.

“Presto chango.” Now there is a rabbit in it.

make bunny cry

“Presto chango.” We poured milk into a rolled up newspaper.

“Presto chango.” Now it’s dry.

“Presto chango.” This is a blank coloring book.

“Presto chango.” Now it’s filled with the colors the audience shouted at the magician, a moment earlier.

blue just pretty

Season 4 of Teen Wolf, in general, and the aptly titled “Smoke and Mirrors” finale, specifically, felt a bit like watching a children’s magic show . . .

“Presto chango.” There’s a deadpool.

“Presto chango.” Just kidding!

all contracts terminated

“Presto chango.” Derek’s a man werewolf. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s a kid werewolf. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s dying. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s not dying, and is an actual wolf.

thats me

“Woof.”

“Presto chango.” Scott’s a berserker. “Presto chango.” He’s better now.

ephemeral

“Presto chango.” Liam’s petrified of berserkers , and doesn’t want to be a member of the pack. “Presto chango.” “I’ll die for you, Scott McCall!”

confused liam

Back in my early season recaps of Teen Wolf, one of the aspects of the show I always complimented was the way in which its writers never felt they had to underestimate their fans intelligence, by spoon-feeding them information they could figure out on their own. But there’s a difference between providing the audience with only some of the pertinent information, and providing them with none. When you do the former, you are treating your fan like she’s smart. When you do the latter, you are treating your fan like she’s . . .well, a child.

teacup humans

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who faithfully recapped this entire season of Teen Wolf, without grumble or complaint, and even indulged my Deputy Parrish fantasies and thinly veiled requests for pictures of him naked, without judgment or mocking.]

Scott McCall and the Temple of Relationship Doom

Not to be a Debbie Downer (I promise I’ll try to make the rest of this recap more upbeat.), but I was so incredibly disturbed by the scene where Berserker Scott beat the crap out of Kira that I think it may have colored my perception of the rest of the episode. My main issue with the scene is that I have this sneaking suspicion that Scott’s actions will have no repercussions in his relationship with Kira, next season. “He didn’t mean it,” she’ll say. “He wasn’t himself at the time.”

why do i suddenly feel like i fell into an after school special

“This is all starting to feel very Afterschool Special.”

In this particular instance, it may be true. But how many times have you heard an abusive boyfriend or husband use the same excuse? “I wasn’t myself . . . I was angry . . . I was drunk . . . I haven’t been sleeping.”

his eyes

“I was wearing a funny hat.”

Even Stiles, who actually wasn’t himself, back in Season 3, when he was possessed by the Nogitsune, was willing to take some responsibility for the havoc “his body” wreaked on the town. “I was there. I saw everything. And a part of me enjoyed it,” Stiles admitted to Malia earlier this season.

stiles no

If the writers were to have Scott make a similar confession to Kira, could they allow Kira to willingly continue the relationship, without sending a terrible message to fans everywhere?

that didnt take long

Ummmm . . . .

Anywhoo, back in the Temple of Relationship doom, Kate is Villain Monologuing about how this cave has magically imbued her with the power to create Berserkers, and make them 100% loyal to her, because . . . um . . . bears really like jaguars, I guess.

i dont good

“Are they still considered six-pack abs, if you have to wear them as a t-shirt?”

She tells her pet Scott to stab Kira in the chest, and he does.

pre stab

“Good Bear / Dog. You get a cookie . . . or should I say, another bone.”

Has the Mexico Department of Tourism Gotten Wind of This?

In the season premiere, the Scooby crew all took a nice little road trip to Mexico to save Derek from Kate’s clutches . . . and also to tussle with a Mexican crime syndicate. Now, in the finale, they are heading back to Mexico to “save” Scott and Kira . . .

town of mexico

Apparently, if you are looking for a place where your adult friend can get turned into a teen, and your teen friend can get turned into a mindless bear zombie, Mexico is the Vacation Destination for you!

more dancing stiles

“Cancun, baby!”

Did I mention they have Chimichangas?

Papa Stilinski is totally not cool with Stiles and his friends heading off to certain death in Mexico. “I get it. You need a vacation. But why not somewhere like Daytona Beach, Bermuda, New Orleans, Vegas . . . a Giant Maze where bug-like creatures chase you around for sh*ts and giggles . . .”

“Nope, viva la Mexico,” replies Stiles. “Also, I’d very much like some guns, please.”

noooo

ep 7 in spanish

“What’s that you say, Stiles? You would like to take your trustee bat to the Murder Church? Yes, you can take your bat,” replies the Sheriff.

“I said GUNS . . . G-U . . .”

“All right, sonny boy, now you run along and play . . .”

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Speaking of guns . . .

All Paws on Deck

For trained bounty hunter, Braeden, murder is like playing golf. You bring every gun you own, everywhere you go, and then carefully select the best one for the circumstance at hand . . . hopefully, before someone shoots you in the face.

all the guns

“You’re going to need a really big backpack.”

. . . which, I guess, makes Derek her caddy.

i make this look good

For a hero, Derek seems surprisingly cool with his impending demise.

dont die

DEREK: “They’ve got that little guy, with the pretty boy face now. Clearly, I’m being phased out, sent off on the ice floe, like the Eskimos do to old people.”

BRAEDEN: “But if you’re dead, we can’t have sex in your poorly furnished apartment, while Lydia screams in our ear anymore.”

DEREK: “You’re over 18, (I hope. I mean, you are, aren’t you? Because, I never actually asked). Maybe they’ll send you on the ice floe too . . .”

BRAEDEN: “Hmmm . . . I’ve never had sex on a block of ice before . . .

Also packing for the trip are Stiles and Malia, the former of whom helpfully offers Malia a pair of his besties dirty underwear so that she can pick up his scent . . .

underwear

. . . which would be very helpful, if Scott was trapped under something heavy, and the only part of his body out in the open air was his crotch . . .

um no thanks

Malia rolls her eyes, and decides to sniff his pillow instead. Smart girl!

febreeze

Last week, Liam was all, “No thank you,” to the opportunity to be a series regular on a show that involved him willingly walking into the jaws of death every week. “Please keep me in mind when there’s an opening on Dawson’s Creek,” he said.

sad liam eyes

“I have soulful eyes.  I can totally be broody like Dawson, or misunderstood and charming like Pacey.”

But then that other wolf guy gave him a pep talk, and he changed his mind . . .

(Also, he Googled Dawson’s Creek, and learned it’s been off the air for over 10 years.)

let me come

“I’d very much like it if you tied me up, and strapped me to the roof of your car, so that I can come along on this Super Fun Suicide Trip with you all,” Liam offers, shrugging off the second full moon of his werewolf existence like it no big deal . . .

im in

“Hey, can I come too? I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to be good or evil in this episode Maybe I should go back into a coma, so Meredith can tell me what I’m really thinking,” chimes in Peter.

Now, THAT’S what I call a road trip. But wait . . . SOMEONE’S MISSING . . .

Not Without My Lydia . . .

snort

“Kind of smells like Scott’s crotch . . .”

really sexin

Back at school, Lydia is snorting one of Kira’s jackets, when this happens . . .

wanna study

“Hey Lydia, I was hoping I could borrow your calculus notes.  You see, I have this big exam on Monday, but Kate’s had me out late every night eviscerating innocent flesh, and I just haven’t had the chance to sit down and study.

RUH-ROH!

I get that it’s the weekend. But I love how no one noticed the GIANT BEAR BONE ZOMBIE THINGY wandering the halls in broad daylight . . .

Mason’s at the school too, because he’s human, and not friends with Scott, which means he still has to do boring things on this show like eat nasty cafeteria food, dissect frogs, and, in this particular instance, “attend Study Group.”

lyd phone hume

Also, because every cute red-headed high school teen needs a gay best friend . . .

Stiles tries to get the group to wait for Lydia.   But Peter seems to be in a very big rush to leave her behind, so he can save two teens he doesn’t like very much. Yeah, because THAT doesn’t seem suspicious at all . . .

lets ride

So, the Scooby Gang leaves without Lydia, which is pretty much what they’ve been doing all season, probably because she’s not dating Stiles or Scott . . . also, maybe, because of the Screaming Thing, which is super unpleasant . . .

scream

Mason eventually finds Lydia’s cell phone in the hallway . . .

berserker screen

“Cool screensaver, is that from an app?”

. . . and then, he finds Lydia, just not in the way he would have hoped.

in there

“Bet you never thought you’d wind up back in the closet, huh?”

“That guy, in the hallway . . . the one who beat me up. He had a really great Halloween costume. But I’m not sure if he was supposed to be Shredder from the Ninja Turtles movies, or someone from Game of Thrones. Think I should ask him?” Mason inquires.

“Not human,” Lydia remarks ominously of their burly captor . . .

Humanity is overrated . . .

As the full moon rises, all of our Scoobies appear to be becoming a bit more feral.   En route to Scott, Peter is doing a pretty good job of convincing Malia that murder is totally OK, provided it’s for a good cause, like, for example, to help out the person you occasionally bone. “Also, losing control and becoming an animal is OK, if you want to kill the Bear-Looking thing, that may or may not be Scott, so I can become Alpha, because . . . wait for it.”

always been the alpha

Meanwhile, in the other car, Derek is offering up a slowly wolfing out Liam, his very favorite cereal box toy, to help him control his animal urges.

toy

“I think it was supposed to come with a matching decoder ring, but I accidentally threw it out with my box of Lucky Charms.”

When that doesn’t work, he teaches him the Latin Alphabet.

help me

“Not impressed.”

When that doesn’t work . .. it’s all about the Buddhism, baby!  I’m thinking, The Sun, the Moon, The Truth would make for a great phrase to put on a Teen Wolf t-shirt, don’t you?

Meanwhile, back in temple, Kira is self-mutilating, because the spirit of her Mom told her it would make her feel better. And it works! She’s healed! (And the negative messages for kids, just keep on coming . . .)

i can help self mut 2 success

“Thanks for making me a cutter, Mom.  You’re the best!”

Derek gets sent on the ice floe . . .

Our gang barely manages to park outside the church, when Derek gets his intestines sliced open by a Berserker. It’s the kind of wound you see humans in movies suffer, and you just know they are about to bite it. But Derek . . . well, I guess he’s sort of kind of human now.

dying der

torn up derek 1

The Scooby Gang makes sure to put on their best sad faces for all of two seconds, before leaving Derek to die, and rushing off to rescue their REAL Hero, Scott.

To Stiles’ credit, he looks sad for at least FOUR seconds . . .

sad stiles

Braeden stays with the dying Derek, though . . . possibly because now she has no caddy to hand her guns in battle . . .

But then Kate and the Berserkers arrive, and it’s every man (and woman) for themselves . . .

here they are

And the CAVALRY IS HERE! Hello Deputy Parrish, Crazy Mexican Crime Syndicate, Chris Argent . . . We missed you! Well . . . at least I very much missed one of you!

phoenix

I love how there are thousands off bullets being shot off in every direction, and every single one of these “trained shots” is totally missing the Berserkers. I get that the bone armor is probably pretty effective in warding off bullets. But there are enough openings in the Berserker wardrobe that one would think even a novice marksman could get in a few lucky shots on. . .

THE STOMACH . . .

Berserkers tummy

THE ARMS . . .

band hand

THE EYES . . .

his eyes

Maybe not all of these shots are kill shots, but they would at least do a better job at disarming the Berserkers than, whatever the heck it is they are doing in this scene . . .

shoot at

“Pretending this is the carnival game where you have to shoot water into a clowns mouth until the balloon on his head pops . . .”

Having slightly better luck against the Berserkers on the home front. . .

Bombs Ove Beacon Hills

I’m pretty sure my favorite part of the episode was the scene where Lydia and Mason, kamikaze themselves (and their baseball bats) at the Berserker. I mean, Mason even came up with his own battle cry, which sounded like ArRRAHHIIAHIHIHI! It was awesome.

battle cry

Then, Sheriff Stilinski added to the comedy, by engaging the Berserker in a friendly game of catch . . . with IEDs of course. I very much enjoyed the Wil E. Coyote facial expression the Berserker had while he’s holding on to the bomb and knowing he’s about to go kablooey . . .

front toward enemy wil e coyote

“Front toward enemy? I don’t get it. Why would you want to play catch with your enemy? Wait a second . . . Awwwww sh*******t.”

explode

S.O.S. – Save Our Scott

Inside the temple it’s a Berserker versus Scooby showdown. Stiles finds a newly-healed Kira, who warns Stiles that (1) Scott is a Berserker; (2) Lydia was left behind on purpose, so that she couldn’t warn the others before they killed Scott.

he kind of

“My boyfriend physically abused me, which caused me to voluntarily cut myself, which, if this was another show, would make you very concerned for my well being.  But this is Teen Wolf, so SAVE SCOTT!”

Meanwhile, everyone seems to be working pretty hard to murder our newly-turned Doesn’t Care Bear . . .

carebear stareee

“STOP! It’s our fearless leader Scott, in that Shredder costume!” Stiles warns, just as “Scott” is attempting to strangle little lost Liam.

In that moment, Liam looks into the face of the thing he fears most and sees EYES . . .

hey scott what up

“Hey, I’d know those bushy unplucked verging-on-unibrow eyebrows anywhere! That’s my surrogate daddy!”

Since mantras had worked so well on Liam, he decides to use one on Scott . . . the same one Scott used on him to help control his change, earlier in the season. “Scott, you are not a monster. You are a werewolf, just like me.”

damn hat off break on through

And . . . presto chango . . . Scott has, once again accomplished the impossible, and broken the Berserker curse . . . now, if he could just wax those eyebrows . . .

Minutes after coming back to himself, Scott sees Peter and immediately figures out that HE has been behind Kate’s plans all along. (For a dumb-dumb, Scott can be pretty insightful, when its plot convenient.) And he’s PISSED! So, he runs toward Peter, and Peter runs toward him, and the two of them embrace one another in a snazzy dance move I like to call the “Flying Hug of Death.”

lets dance bitch

“Let’s dance.”

pretty funny

“Think happy thoughts .  . .  You can FLY. You can FLY.  You can FLLLLYYYY.”

Meanwhile, outside . . .

Blah, Blah, Blah, Stuff Happens, Blah, Blah, Blah . . . NAKED DEREK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, just when everything seems like it’s going to crap, Derek turns into an actual wolf, and attacks Kate with what at first seems like puppy licks, but is actually gnashing teeth . . .

running tackle hug

“Tee hee, that tickles.  Wait.  Why are you biting off my tit?”

He doesn’t kill her though, because . . . she hosts Wolf Watch . . .

Then Kate’s own brother, Chris, shoots her with a yellow-tipped bullet. Kate looks super offended, but this also doesn’t kill her . . . because . . . Wolf Watch.

im sad

“My feelings = hurt.”

THEN DEREK APPEARS NAKED, AND I START DROOLING, AND MY MIND TURNS TO MUSH . . .

howl 2345 hello baby berserker die

(I don’t think anything really important happened at that point anyway . . . except for maybe that whole, Derek kills a Berserker by smushing his face with his bare hands thing.)

Back in the Church . . .

FINISH HIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scott and Peter fighting was like something straight out of the Mortal Kombat video game. Five minutes of, punch, punch, punch, kick, fly, punch, throw, fly, punch . . .

4 10 nod off

And I started looking at my nails and thinking, my nail polish is really chipped. I should invest in a better top coat . . .

Then Scott, had Peter on the ground FINALLY. . . and I’m like the announcer from the Mortal Kombat video game. “FINISH HIM . . . FINISH HIM . . . FINISH HIM.”

punch punch fight finish him

But he doesn’t . . . lame.

Also, lame is how Chris totally has a chance to, if not kill, at least disarm, Kate. And he willingly lets her go, only so he can leave the show head off with the Mexican Crime Syndicate to find her again . . .

emasculated

“Feeling alone and emasculated . . . wondering if I remembered to DVR My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, before I left the house.”

How it ends . . .

Stiles comes back home, and gets grounded . . . big time.

groundedstiles

Malia decides her favorite food is pizza, after all . . .

nommy

Coach tells the boys that he’s seen things in Mexico that would knock off their genitals. (I smell a prequel!!!!)

coach

Kira gets a tail . . . well . . . actually a piece of the glass she mutilated herself with, but . . . details.

tail

*sigh* Memories . . .

Lydia gives Parrish a book that looks surprisingly skinny for a bestiary (abridged version, perhaps?), and tells him she’d like to try and help him figure out that he’s a phoenix what he is. (Meanwhile, Parrish patiently waits for Lydia, to leave, so that he can check his database to confirm that she’s had her 18th birthday, before he invites her over to his place for some . . . bestiarying.)

helpin you

Peter ends up in Eichen House, and he has a roommate!

lololol

“I bet he snores and farts in his sleep too.”

(So maybe my guess about the X-Men Eichen House breakout is not so far off after all . . .)

Until next season, Werebangers!

dancing stiles moon

 

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Entering the Bone Zone – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Promise to the Dead”

this isnt good for scott

50 Shades of Bone

Welcome back, Werebangers. This week on Teen Wolf a number of our favorite Beacon Hill residents finally got laid . . .

who dad

sexin

While others just got boned . . .

tapped

“Worst date everrrrrrrrr!”

We experience episodes like this around this time every season of Teen Wolf. You know, the ones after the main mystery of the season has been solved . . . where the Beacon Hill Scoobies are just trying to catch their breaths, and possibly engage in a little R-rated action, before the inevitable Finale Cliffhanger turns everything to sh*t once again . . .

wake up stiles

Stiles: “So, whose turn is it to get possessed by an evil demon and commit evil acts over which you have no control, and therefore won’t have to pay any consequences?”

Scott: “I think it’s mine.”

Stiles: “Good luck with that, buddy.”

Finally, Stiles’s dad has enough down time to take Stiles and Malia out to savage the local deer population . .

deer

. . . or just eat some pizza. That works too . . .

nommy

“Tastes like Deer .. . and cheese.”

Scott finally took Kira on a date in what is undoubtedly the most morbid, ugliest, most dangerous, friend-dyingest place in Beacon Hills . . .

boyd kicking ass

“Consider yourself haunted.”

Liam’s lower lip quivered . . .

lip quiv

. . . while he tried to sleep . . .

more mist

. . . while he lifted weights . . .

crying

. . . while he played video games with his friend . . .

misty eye

. . . while he got eaten by a Berserker and died. . .

confused liam

Just kidding about that last one . . . for now.

Basically, it was your average day in Beacon Hills . ..

With one or two exceptions.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to my good pal Andre, whose screencapping talent, passion for all things supernatural, and trademark snark, mean that one day he will (and should) write and produce a teen show TV show that rocks 100 times harder than Teen Wolf, and we can all say we met him here. :)]

Third Eye Not-So Blind

You know what really pisses me off? When I’m captured by a wendigo, and he spends five minutes yammering on about how much better I’m going to taste when I’m nervous.   You know what makes me nervous? BEING EATEN BY A WENDIGO!

not enjoying self lets talk about food

You know what makes me bored and annoyed? Listening to a wendigo talk about eating me. It’s like those annoying food commercials where the two obnoxious dad types try to make hip jokes about their slushies . . . or when the Wendy’s girl and her friends have nothing to talk about during their lunch break except how delicious their hamburgers are.

T.J. Jagodowski, left, and Peter Grosz, right wendys girl

JUST EAT IT, AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT, MMM-KAY?

still talking about eating you so hungry

I’m not going to lie. I cheered when Deaton clocked this guy’s ass, and carted him off to Eichen House . . . a place that seems to be a Rite of Passage for all residents of Beacon Hills. After all, we all go a little mad sometimes. Am I right?

diet time eatus interruptus damnit

we all go a little

The idea of there being a floor of the nut house, dedicated entirely to supernatural creatures (and yet, Malia and Meredith got to stay on the regular floor. . . weird) presents a lot of really fun possibilities for next season. Are you listening, Jeff Davis?

I mean, just check out this Samuel L. Jackson-looking guy? How cool is he!

samuel jack

I’m thinking something along the lines of an X-Men villains-type storyline, where all the creepiest, and most disturbing of supernaturals stage an awesome breakout from Eichen House, and proceed to terrorize Beacon Hills residents, just because it’s fun . . . and because they can!

bad x men

And because Stiles, who is most definitely a comic book fan/ fan of the X-Men series, would have so many funny / meta things to say about a group of big bads like this that come from his and  Malia’s Alma Mater of Wackjobs, Eichen House . . .

winky stiles

Anyway, Deaton — being the kind of guy whose clearly not capable of just rescuing a girl from being eaten by a Wendigo, and then heading home to binge watch old episodes of True Blood on Netflix (the early seasons . . . naturally . . . back when the show was still good, and I was still recapping it) — decides to go have a nice chat with creeptastic creeper, who, at first, appears to be sporting a massive gunshot wound in his forehead, but actually just has a really bloody nasty ass third eye . . .

crazy huose head wound yucki see you

BabyScared

WHHHHHY? WHY Teen Wolf? Why must you be so unnecessarily grotesque? Can we go back to the annoying dude eating the teenage girl? That’s starting to seem downright pleasant about now in comparison to this.

lets talk about food

“I told you I’d grow on you.  Would you mind terribly if I nibbled on your left ear?”

So, why did Deaton choose to ruin all of our dinners by visiting Third Eye Guy? Apparently, he believes Triclops here will somehow help Deaton SEE the way to save Derek from Inevitable Death By Inexplicable Loss of Powers . . .

der funny face ha

Instead, Triclops just makes Deaton take a nap . . .

coma man

If all Deaton wanted to get out of this trip was a little extra shut-eye, popping a few Ambien would have been easier (and way less gross). Just sayin . . .

In dream land, Deaton dreams of the bone zone, which is not only where Der Bear first lost his Mojo, it’s also where Scott . . . well, more on that later . . .

shouldn't have had beans for dinner

“Is this IKEA?”

Anywhoo, just when it looks like Deaton will enter The Big Sleep, everyone’s favorite Banshee Alarm clock pops by to give him a “friendly wakeup call.”

let me talk

lyd screams

And they all lived Deaf-Ever-After . . .

Scott’s Down with O.P.P . . . (Other People’s Property)

This season on Teen Wolf, Peter’s Blood Money Duffle Bag got more action from Scott than Kira did.

money to fondle

So much money fondling . . .

dollar signs

Sometimes Scott fondled the money by himself . . .

2 17 elena steals cash moonstone

Sometimes he fondled the money while Liam watched . ..

sad liam eyes

Sometimes Scott and Stiles took turns fondling the money . ..

what do we do

This week, Scott’s mom found the money (probably because Scott’s brilliant idea of hiding it, involved pushing it under his bed, open, with massive wads of cash tumbling out of it) . . . and began to fondle it with Scott.

under bed

this is me fondling

AWK-WARD!

Scott’s arguments as to why the McCall’s should keep the money: (1) we need it; (2) its true owner already has enough v-neck shirts and doesn’t need more; (3) hiding millions of dollars in a rather easily accessible vault is a piss poor investment strategy; and (4) its true owner is a rotten excuse for a human being who repeatedly tries to murder me  . . .

are quickly shot down by Mama McCall’s moral imperative.

bloodmoney

Bloody money has cooties  . . . See?  Check out the masssive cooty on this stack of G’s.”

Why was that particular pile of cash bloody, anyway? If the deadpool notifications are to be believed, the assassins had money wired to their bank accounts immediately following verification of the kill. There was no physical cash payout.

kill not confirmed

Even if the killers immediately cashed out their earnings, that bank money would presumably be “clean.’ Garrett and Violet succeeded in making at least two kills, of which we are aware. Did they then just keep cashing out the money , shoving it into the same duffelbag, and using the unmarked bills in that duffelbag to wipe off the blood from Garrett’s hockey stick? Wouldn’t a bottle of hydrogen peroxide been a more sanitary cleaning method?

creepswack

No matter . . . when Scott tries to return the money to Derek, he doesn’t want it.   “Peter’s a moron,” Derek muses. “He should have invested the funds in a death trap apartment complex and become a slumlord, like I did. Serves him right, spending the money on something stupid, like World Domination. Finders, Keepers, I say. YOLO.”

better take

Oh sweet Derek, you may be dying, but your getting laid by a non-psychotic female, for a change, is making you so much more enjoyable to be around . . .

yolo der

Cockblocks of the Screaming Kind

Dear Braeden . . .

im back braeden

Please don’t take this the wrong way . . .

I like you. I like that you taught Derek to use a gun, and, in doing so, made him about 50 times less useless in fights than he ever was as a plain vanilla werewolf.

machine_gun_cat

I also think its cool that you are a confident, strong woman, who isn’t afraid to show off your assets . .. even, and perhaps, especially, the physical ones . . .

But your choice of post-coital wardrobe this week, made me laugh out loud . . .

what they wear

You see, I understand that, as consenting adults, you and Derek occasionally fornicate. (I would fornicate with Derek too, if I were you . . . like, all the time . . . sooooo much fornicating.)

sex me now 2

And then, after it’s over, you go to sleep . . .

my day for sleeping

See, for example, Stiles and Malia. This is a couple that clearly has sex with one another, and sleeps together. But they’ve been dating long enough to have given up the need to “dress for the occasion.”

night gowns

Sex with a girlfriend or boyfriend is sometimes just sex.  To celebrate the occasion, they wear nightclothes. Simple . . . comfy . . . cute.

kissin

You know, I wouldn’t mind as much, if Derek and Braeden slept naked (They both totally seem like the type), and had to grab for some quick blankets to cover their unmentionables, when the inevitable screaming intruder popped by . . .

cock blocing

But Braeden wears THIS to bed?

her outfit

You see, this is how I know a man wrote this episode, one who has never had to suffer through the agony of wearing a lacy bra, with underwire, lots and lots of padding, and boyfriend-style underwear that rides up your ass crack every time you take a really deep breath . . .

118247_521

Rest assured, Jeff Davis. The only women who sleep in THAT OUTFIT live inside a Victoria’s Secret catalog .. .

Maybe that’s why Lydia was screaming at them, and not the whole, “Derek’s dying. This is a family show. Therefore, I’m not going to let you two screw tonight . . .”

Perhaps, she was saying . . .

fashio pol

“FASHION POLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!”

Meanwhile, in a more G-rated section of town . . .

Nightmare on Liam’s Street . . .

Poor Liam. Sometimes I get the impression that the character thought he was going to be cast as one of The Warblers on Glee . . .

2 9warblers

Or Matty’s nemesis on Awkward . . .

tvb matty pointless times

And he simply stumbled onto the wrong television set!

Now, he’s growing hair in weird places, and being dreamstalked by what kind of looks like Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and all he’s thinking about is whether all this murder and wolf metamorphosis is going to interfere with his dream to win Sectionals and/or finally summon the courage to ask Emo Senior Jenna to prom . . .

tvb sad matty

Now, I like the refreshing realism of having a character like Liam, actually experience the effects of being slightly traumatized by the types of horrific events the rest of the Scoobies seem to shrug off every day . . .

more mist hey there sleepyhead

“Hey there, Lonely Boy.  I’ll sleep over and play video games with you.”

I also like how Scott noticed Liam was dissing his bromantic buddy, Mason (Who still doesn’t seem to get that Liam and his new friends are supernatural, despite that whole “saving the werewolves from the dog whistle music” thing last week.), and cautiously instructed him against being a “lone wolf,” as the little tween is likely going to need his friends more than ever in the coming seasons . . .

lols

crying

can i spot you

“Need a spotter, Liam?”

Part of me just wishes Liam’s Berserker hallucinations this week, had a bit more of a payoff . . .

Like, for example, the writers could have blessed the Berserkers with Freddie Krueger-type powers, whereby if they succeeded in killing Liam in the dream, he’d also die in real life. So, then, Liam would be forced to become addicted to caffeine pills, so that he wouldn’t fall asleep, and those pills had the unintended impact of turning him into SPEEDHEAD I.E.D WOLF. . .

 

time to experiment

Hey, it could happen. . .

In other unrelated news, guess who has two hands and is no longer poor . . .

this guy dad

This guy!

It turns out Eichen House has given the Stilinskis the old One of Our Staff Members Tried to Murder You discount on their insane asylum bills . . .HOORAY!

dancing stiles again

It’s been forever, since Stiles and his dad, and the girl Stiles is currently shagging got to share a nice meal together . . .

Papa Stilinski is ready to go all out. He even asks Malia about her favorite food . . .

deer eat

“Bambi’s Mother . . .”

Why so judgy, Stilinskis? Venison is actually considered a delicacy in many parts of the world . . .

bambi

But hey, pizza is good too . . .

pizza-delivery-boy

The date to end all dates, literally. . .

Correct me, if I’m wrong, but I thought Scott and Kira already had a few first dates. . .

Like the time they road tandem on Scott’s motorcycle . . .

moto

Or the time they slow-danced at Lydia’s grandma’s lake house . . .

smack lick

Both of those things seem way more romantic than “Sitting in the dark, poorly furnished place where Boyd bit it . . . which still smells like Derek and Braeden Sex .  . .”

ephemeral

I also liked how Scott, tried to pump some romance into the fact that, just like the McCalls, Derek was actually too cheap to pay for his electric bills . . .

He strings the whole place up with candles, and makes Kira use her electric powers to get them to run . . .

bad date she does it ights them all

“There’s also an exercise bike in the corner of the room, you can peddle to make the air conditioner work.  Starting riding!”

Beware, Kira! These are the kind of guys that mysteriously seem to have “left their wallet at home,” every time the two of you go out for Valentine’s Day Dinner . . .

borrow money

The type of guys who convince you to help them pay for medical school, only to ditch you less than a year later for the hot nurse, they met while doing their internship . . .

(On the other hand, from the looks of it, there’s a good chance neither of you are going to live to see college, let alone medical school . So, carpe diem! You go kids! Watch that Star Wars DVD, knowing full well that you are going to be kidnapped AGAIN, before they even finish those black moving screen opening credits . . .)

really sexin party crash off to church

“Now your balls match my face, Scott.”

blue balls

In which everyone gets pep talks . . .

“Hey Liam! This is crazy.”

trust alph

“I know you and I used to beat the crap out of one another on the lacrosse field, because I you totally ruined my coaches’ car.”

trust alph 2

“But, we are both secret teen wolves with anger issues, and I have a massive man-crush on your Alpha.”

“So, let’s be friends, maybe?”

pensive lia

Awww, Buddhist Wolf is so sweet! Can we adopt him, Werebangers? Can we?

nodding oh yeah

Meanwhile in the stands of yet another lacrosse game, Papa Peter comes to Daughter Malia with a proposition.

pete and ma

evil peter pan

“Kill Kate for me, and I will introduce you to your mother . . . the Desert Wolf . . . who may or may not be Kate.”

drinking to get

“I think I liked it better when my father was just a random redneck, and I’d eaten the rest of my family.”

Hey, has anyone seen Scott?  Or Kira?  Uh-oh!

Speaking of Peter . . .

It sounds like the beginning of a joke . . . a hunter, a werewolf, and a berserker walk into a sewer . . .

finding stuff berserklooking good peter hale

But then, suddenly, this happens . . .

not having fun

. . . and this happens . . .

still not

. . . and Chris Argent isn’t laughing anymore.

reallly not

There’s nothing like being bested by a moron in a bear costume and his metrosexual pal to lower one’s self esteem . . .

got nothing

(By the way, since when do the Berserkers work for Peter too? I thought they were Kate’s pets.)

But then Deputy Parrish comes to save the day . . .

helping parrish

He starts by un-boning Argent (Re-virginizing?)

And then he tells him, “Hey remember that time those Samurai things murdered your daughter? You should be kind of pissed about that, and use that anger to drive you, and make you kill yourself slightly less.”  (“You might also consider making some friends your own age, like those douchebags you used to hang out with in Season 1, who seemed to magically disappear after a couple of episodes.”)

teen wolf hunters

know about allison

“Thank you for reminding me,” Chris Argent replies. “I was starting to think she was just away on a study abroad program, because no one seemed to notice that she and her boyfriend are MIA. I AM really pissed about it! In fact, I’m so pissed, I’m going to be much less of a pussy from now on.”

demons die

“Sounds good,” replies Deputy Parrish.

“Thanks sexy Phoenix guy,” Argent replies . . .

“No prob, seemingly normal human who hangs out with so many teenagers that it’s slightly disturbing . . .”

phoenix

And they all live happily ever after . .. at least once they get out of the nasty sewer . . .

Living slightly less happily ever after? Scott . . .

Rise Darth Berserker!

Having awoken in a bed of bones, Scott and Kira know that their not-so-hot date is about to get a lot not-so-hotter . . .

at the chruch

OK, Kate. You’ve gotten our attention. Care to explain the motive for your madness? (Please make it better than Meredith’s. Please make it better than Meredith’s . . .)

heres my motive

“I hate Scott, basically.   He gets all the screentime on the show. His being turned into a werewolf coincided with my niece and my sister-in-law biting it in short order, my father going wacky, and my brother totally losing his nerve to fight. They call him the true Alpha. But I think he’d be better known as the True Life Ruiner. What’s worse, I don’t really get the boner everyone has for this guy? He’s crap at fighting. I just handed his ass to him a few moments ago, again! He can’t even turn into a gorilla. What good is he?”

Not going to lie. As far as motives go, Kate’s is pretty darn rock solid.   It’s more sane than Meredith’s, “Peter made me do it in his coma,” motive. And more sympathetic than the assassins “It would make me $25 million richer, motive. And Peter’s egomaniacal, “He’s the only thing that stands between me and world domination” motive.

always been the alpha

That said, making Scott wear an ugly Halloween costume is humiliating, but I don’t think it rises to the level of a good vengeance plan . . .

Wait . .. what’s that you say? Kate’s going to make Scott a Berserker? So, he is finally forced to become the heartless monster he always feared becoming? And his friends wouldn’t recognize him, would plot his demise, and might (but wouldn’t likely) succeed?

i got you a hat like mine

“Hey, check it out!  Matching hats!  We’re twinsies!”

this isnt good

Oooooh . . . that’s cold.

Until next time Berserk-bangers . . . er, I mean, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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While You Were Sleeping – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Monstrous”

While_You_Were_Sleeping_000

coma face

someone scratch my nose

Question: What valuable life lesson can be gleaned from both the adorkable mid-nineties romantic coma comedy While You Were Sleeping and this past week’s installment of Teen Wolf?

Answer: They both teach us that comatose thirty-somethings named Peter with disturbingly expressive (sometimes frightening) eyebrows have the power to provide purpose in the lives of shy, socially awkward girls, who make questionable hair care choices . . .

143338__while_l

. . . but only while mid-coma.

never talked

Poor Meredith Walker! If she had only shared her hospital room with The Dad from The O.C. instead of The Gorilla thing from Season 1, her life would be so much less complicated right now . . .

very sexual beings

This week’s installment of Teen Wolf was equal parts satisfying and frustrating . . .

Satisfying, because our oddly loveable Benefactor has finally revealed her motivations for mass murder, and they are, if not entirely understandable (Who recorded all those tapes? How exactly did Meredith manage to control a 70’s era computer program WITH HER MIND?), at least weirdly sympathetic. (If we had to listen 24-7 to the dream-state ramblings of a scarfaced wackadoo with seemingly czarists designs on his easily extorted upper class town, we’d want some heads to roll too . . . )

smirky

Frustrating because . . . HUH?

no idea what im doing

I mean talk about a Deus Ex Machina! This was literally a case where there appeared to be an actual ghost in the machine . . .

ghostbusters

. . . who pretty much controlled everything bad that happened to the characters throughout the entire season. . .

mischeivous stiles

Our heroes then discovered that ghost almost entirely by accident . . .

the dead pool

. . . and then, sometime around the 50 minute mark of the episode, that ghost just got tired and went home.

all contracts terminated

But hey, at least Scott’s Wolf Facelift looked cool, right?

wolf face

nodding oh yeah

Let’s review shall we?

[As always a big hearty thanks to my screencapping pal Andre, who is 100% immune to the charms of the sometimes naked (always sexy) Deputy Parrish (WHY? HOW?), but always screencaps him faithfully for me anyway, because he’s just cool like that.]

Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This . . .

Don’t you just hate it when it’s pouring buckets of CGI-perfected rain outside, and you just so happened to leave the house/cave (?) without your umbrella?

i hate the rain

“My perm is ruined!”

Don’t you also hate it when it’s raining, and you are being hunted by an army of black suited militia types with laser guns?

think anyone will find us

“Think anyone will see us?”

there's no place like cave

“There’s no place like cave .  . . there’s no place like cave.”

I know I do . . .

That’s why I always make sure to have my own personal pocket ninja available to defend my honor at a moment’s notice . . .

kira battling

Hiiiiyaaa!

(Also, I never leave home without my umbrella . . . well . . . almost never.)

Speaking of pocket-sized things one should never leave home without . . .

The Trials and Tribulations of Teeny Wolf

I think a part of Scott assumed that the second he turned Liam (accidental or not), the latter would immediately become his fashionable accessory for always . . . not unlike one of Paris Hilton’s purse dogs . . .

TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA

“Yo quiero ser Scrappy Doo . . .

Scrappy%20Doo

. . . a permanent guest on the back of his motorcycle . . .

moto

. . . the permanent squire to his knight, during Weekly Werewolf Fight Time . . .

doing the wolf dance

. . . a permanent awkward third wheel on his kissy face dates with Kira . . .

smack lick

confused liam

Unfortunately for Scott, Liam doesn’t seem to really be feeling his purse dog status. (Though he’s sure got those puppy dog eyes down pat.)

got the sads liam

The thing about supernatural TV shows is that they tend to require an Audience Surrogate character to keep things grounded . . . someone with the ability to say the type of things you or I would say when placed in the ridiculous supernatural situations the Scooby Gang gets placed in each week . . .

going to die

profession

Someone to say things like, “Isn’t it kind of weird how so many of our friends die, and the following week we just seem to forget they even existed?”

too soon haha - Copy

And, “This whole Werewolf Curse Thing doesn’t seem like anything that a really good razor, a cough drop, and some Visine couldn’t cure.”

scott dog dish

And, “Where the heck is that really bad techno fight music coming from?”

kung fu fighting - Copy

Up until around Season 3, that person for Teen Wolf was Stiles . . .

stiles approves

But, while the Scooby Gang’s Resident Human is still just as relatable, clever and wisecracking as he ever was . . .you’ve got to admit he’s gotten a wee bit blasé about the whole Mass Murder Thing of late . . .

wake uppppp stiles

. . . (maybe it has something to do with all that time he spent as an Evil Japanese Spirit, with a face wrapped in Charmin Extra Soft)

nogitsune teeth

“Don’t squeeze the Charmin.”

Enter Liam . . .

not like you

He’s new to the Werewolf Game . . .

in mud help

. . . he finds being almost brutally killed week after week a teensy bit traumatizing . . .

hug 1

. . . he believes becoming Lacrosse Team Captain is a bit more reasonable of a goal then Rescuing The World From Evil . . .

freshmen right

In other words, he’s just like us . . .

more drink

(Only slightly younger and much, much prettier . . .)

Anyway, Liam earns some major points cool points from me this week for getting Scott to acknowledge the existence of all his instantly forgotten Dead Friends . . .

love you

sad boyd

dead erica

Bravo, Little Guy . . .

Psycho Killer (Que’st-ce que c’est!)

Ahhhh, Meredith, faking your own death, and then casually admitting to singlehandedly orchestrating the systematic Mass Murder for Hire of what seems like three-quarters of the town of Beacon Hills has lost you a few popularity points with Everyone’s Favorite Authority Figure . . .

she suck

“I’m definitely selling my Team Meredith t-shirt on E-bay!”

Now, they are never going to let you date Isaac . . . assuming he ever returns . . . and/or anyone decides to remember that he exists . . .

isaac scarf

When Sheriff Stilinski’s and Lydia’s feeble attempts to glean from Zany Meredith something resembling a motive fail miserably, they decide to call for reinforcements . . . Deep V-Neck reinforcements . . .

ned a man

lit your fire

Shame on you Meredith! Peter is pretty much old enough to be your FATHER . . . or, at least, her father . . .

drinking to get

But hey, you know what they say . . . a lid for every pot . . . even if that lid is a full-on sociopath with a possible furry fetish . . .

ep 7 alpha popopopculture

Help is on the way . . .

Remember all those Buddhist werewolves who went out into a forest, got poisoned by canine distemper and died?

deadest

They’re baaaaaackkk . . .

wolfs 3 wolfs 2 wolfs 1

that's a lot of people to share one bathroom

“We’re going to need a bigger bathroom.”

Well, some of them, anyway . . .

Scott and Co. somehow locate the surviving members of Satomi’s pack. (It probably helps that they hide in completely inauspicious places . . . like in the center of high school football field.)

But where to put them all?

stefan shrug

I know! How about that adorable hotel the gang stayed at a couple seasons back? That place was swanky!

thanks buddy

Scott, being Scott, decides on a spectacular hiding place for his furry friends . . . a place that no one would ever think to look . . . unless they were a werewolf hunter . . .

argent arms

teen wolf hunters

. . . or a Werejaguar . . .

tumblr_n9q3heOpV01qggrzoo7_250

. . . or a gang of trained assassins . . .

shooters

. . . or Peter Hale . . .

peter pan

OK, on second thought, maybe this wasn’t the best hiding place for a family of werewolves (or the second best, or the third best, or the fourth best, or the twenty ninth). But hey, at least they didn’t use the Hale Vault again . . .

der funny face ha

Of course, Scott has barely had enough time to show his new roommates the Argent Arms bathroom when company arrived . . .

battle time

. . . and then . . . even worse company . . .

shooters

Tongue Tied . . .

Meanwhile, back in Death Trap hospital, Stiles is nursing a possible concussion from his most recent Brush With Death . . .

sad hot stiles

Mama McCall asks everyone’s favorite human if he has any dying requests . . .

learn your 80s tech boy

He does.   He wants a tape player . . .

tapes and cassettes

. . . or, as Mama McCall knows them, cassette player.

And so tapes cassettes and the record player make yet another cameo appearance on this season of Teen Wolf.

Next season, phone booths . . .

phone booth

. . . Oregon Trail . . .

look around

. . . and that asshat dog from Duck Hunt . . .

duck-hunt dog

But Mama McCall has other ideas, apart from archaic technological devices, to aid Stiles on his road to recovery . . .

stalia kissing

How about, conjugal visits?

sex me now 2

That’s right, boys and girls. Stiles and Malia are back together . . . and all it took was a few minutes in an antiseptic hospital room . . . possibly reminding them of that time they took one another’s virginity in the basement of another wellness institution . . . The Nuthouse . . . shortly before a possessed Stiles went on a murderous rampage and attempted to assassinate all of his friends . . .

sexing

. . . aka . . . the Good Ole Days . . .

Mystery Date

Back at the Beacon Hills PD, the moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived . . .

ep 8 stiles excited jeff bernbie

FRO . . .

meredith

Meets . . .

DUDEBRO . . .

chillin pete

It’s a showdown of epic proportions. They meet. They exchange pleasantries . . .

BRO RAPES FRO’S NECK WITH HIS GROSS NAILS . . .

heres my story

Perhaps, I should backtrack a bit . . .

You see, Uncle Peter doesn’t seem to remember Meredith at all. (And that fro and those Massive Googly Eyes are not the kind of things a guy like Peter quickly forgets.)

scared peter - Copy

And yet, Meredith remembers Peter VERY well. It seems she knew him back in the day . . . you know . . . before the magical werewolf plastic surgery . . . and the gorilla thing . . . and the whole rising from the dead thing . . .

too late torequest a single discussion whisper

In fact, Meredith knew Peter VERY well . . . so well, in fact, that she was willing to orchestrate a Mass Murder Deadpool, using his money . . . because he ASKED HER TO DO IT!!

*record scratch*

Yup, that’s right . . . Peter Hale arranged for the theft of his own money. He is literally the benefactor of The Benefactor . . .

lunatic whisp crazy rant

. . . and he doesn’t remember one minute of it . . .

The Smoking Gun . . .

Back at Stiles’ house (I guess tonguing Malia cured his concussion after all), Stiles and Malia play around with a tape cassette player to determine whether any additional information about the Benefactor’s source of funds distribution can be gleaned from Lydia’s grandma’s Death Tape.

what do we hear

Guess what? It can! Somehow Malia discovers that the tape in question was actually made at Lydia’s grandmother’s lake house . . . i.e. the creepy place with the white walls and the Really Rickety Tape Recorder.

abstract art

So, Little Red Riding Stiles and the Big Bad Werecoyote take a nice little trip to grandma’s house, where they proceed to listen to the same record player Lydia’s been staring stonily at just about all season. Only this time, they hear something different . . . something Lydia apparently missed . ..

sad lyd

“You had ONE job, Lydia! One job!”

There’s something in the wall!

surprised-face

I wonder what it could be?

Is it? (A) The cast from Sixth Sense?

i see dead people

(B) A band of vengeful Oompa Loompas

oompa loompa

(C) The set piece for every movie involving computers that took place between around 1975 and 1988.

hal

If you guessed (C) you get a cookie.

tombstonecoffin%20cookies_JPG-550x0

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present the source of the Deadpool . . .

red light green light

But how did it get there? How did the Benefactor access it? How does it work / distribute funds?

know nothing

Well, Werebangers, hold on to your hats. Because you are about to get the answers to all some almost one of those questions . . .

Pillow Talk

So, here’s how it all went down . . .

Apparently, Peter and Meredith were coma bed buddies, back when Peter was suffering third degree burns from the Hale House Fire, and Meredith was suffering from . . . really bad music?

coma face

Also during that time, Banshee Meredith’s I See Dead People’s powers apparently magically expanded to I Talk To Coma Patients . . .

screaming mer

And Peter . . . well, he was the chattiest coma patient ever . . .

So, chatty, in fact, that he basically wrote the entire plot for Season 4 of Teen Wolf . . . a plot that Meredith wrote down faithfully in her mind.

mer con

You see, Coma Peter was MAD about the Hale Fire . . . mad about what it said about his werewolf heritage, how it made them seem weak and helpless.

supernat

And so, Coma Peter devised a plan in his mind . . . a sort of Darwin Survival of the Hairiest Plan . . . a Noah’s Arc for Were Things plan to rebuild the supernatural nation, by murdering every supernatural being that couldn’t fend for themselves, and (presumably) having the surviving supernaturals engage in a LOT of sex and repopulation pronto . . .

sex again

And then, Meredith, being industrious and only slightly psychotic, immediately upon getting out of the hospital, used her heretofore nonexistence Berserker contacts to steal $170 million from Peter’s Hale vault, her heretofore unused computer knowledge to arrange for a complex wire transfer system to be run out of the heretofore unseen computer in Dead Grandma Lorraine Martin’s wall, and her heretofore unseen anger against “wimpy” supernaturals to arrange for the murders of an entire truckload of them.

not all monsters

When Peter learns about this, he’s of course, wryly amused and slightly smug, as he is when he learns pretty much every piece of information on the show.

smirky peter

He’s also, as it appears, entirely innocent. Because, if thinking bad thoughts was a crime we’d all be guilty. And if wearing Deep V-Neck shirts was a crime . . . well . . . that’s another story . . .

seductive peter

So, Sheriff Stilinski pulls a gun on Mr. I’m Always the Alpha . . .

bullet in eye

. . . snorts and stirs for a bit . . .

. . . and ultimately lets him live to aimlessly plot the murder of Scott McCall another day . . .

killing scott

. . . And plot the murder of Scott McCall, Peter does . . . big time . . . again . . .

always been the alpha

Fight Fight Fight . . .

Meanwhile, a team of trained assassins ambush the Scooby Gang at Argent Arms . . .

name on our dead pool

And Scott gets MAD! SUPER MAD!

hold up

Almost Gorilla Thing Mad . . . or Gargoyle Smurf Mad . . .

demon wolf

Maybe even Darach mad . . .

darach

Except not quite . . .

And then, just when things start to get really Alpha-y . . .

hold up

Stiles and Malia shut down the deadpool by . . . wait for it . . . turning off the computer . . .

turn off

No seriously, they found a key in some wine bottle and . . . turned it to off . . .

red light green light

Just think, an entire season worth of murders . . . and they all could have been avoided in the same way you fix your laptop when it freezes . . .

stefan shrug

As for Alpha Scott . . . well, better luck next season.

ephemeral

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers . . .

dancing stiles again

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Filed under Teen Wolf

It’s Always the Quiet Ones – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Perishable”

screaming mer

“Anyone got a breath mint?”

You can’t judge a book by its cover. This isn’t exactly new information.   We’ve known this since we were little kids . . . since back when people still read actual books.

half a book about zombies

Of course, not judging a book by its cover is easier said than done. For better or worse, most of us have been raised to make certain assumptions about people, based on limited information. Subconsciously we are taught to believe that pretty people are good, and ugly people are evil. Loud people are strong and confident, and quiet people are meek and submissive. Hot guys with good bodies look good naked . . .

phoenix

Well, that last one happens to be true . . .

Teen Wolf has always been a show that tried to shock its viewers, by flying in the face of these assumptions. But because its viewers are pretty savvy, it has met with limited success in doing so. Most of us pegged Lydia as the banshee, from the first time she opened her mouth to scream.

lyd screams

Photographer Matt was so gosh darn creepy, we pretty much pegged him a kanaima master from day 1.

matt and ma

And “adorkable” English teacher Jennifer fooled positively no one but Derek into thinking she was anything but a Darach in 50’s housewife clothing . . .

evil jenny

I can honestly say that Teen Wolf only legitimately shocked me with its choice of big bad twice in its series run, so far. The first was way back in Season 1 . . .

16_peter

Coma Guy was the one running around in the Gorilla Suit the whole time?

ep 7 alpha popopopculture

I mean, that was pretty friggin brilliant!

smirky peter

The second time Teen Wolf tricked me . . . this past week, in a twist that, if you think about, largely mirrors the Uncle Peter as Alpha reveal of Season 1 . . .

meredith

You would think I would have learned by now . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big hearty banshee scream of thanks to my pack pal Andre for providing all the glorious screencaps you see here. This is a guy you can trust. I guy you’d be proud to have alongside you in battle. A guy who would never douse your car in kerosene and watch you burn alive, while casually listening to Jock Jams on his iPod . . .]

singing to ipid

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof!  Woof-woof-woof-woof!”

Kill Not Confirmed

kill not confirmed

In a season of Teen Wolf that has been positively packed with douchebags, I’d hereby like to nominate This Guy as Douchebag Numero Uno . . .

punch

Murdering complete strangers to become a millionaire is one thing. Murdering your friends and colleagues is quite another . . .

monster ariel

Even Evil!Macauley held off on trying to whack fake friend Liam, until he had already dispatched of most of the more anonymous targets on the list. . .

the new class

But not Officer Hank . . . I mean, this guy is just stone cold . . .

1 19 getting colder

. . . stupid. No wonder he’s at the bottom of the payroll at the Beacon Hills PD . . .

First, before murdering a supernatural creature, it might be wise to . . . I don’t know . . . figure out what kind of creature he is first. This way you can avoid amateur mistakes like . . . TRYING TO BURN TO DEATH THE CREATURE WHOSE SOLE MAGICAL POWER IS THE ABILITY TO RISE FROM THE ASHES . . .

burning

the phoenix

“Bored now . . .”

Also, avoid leaving evidence that can be traced back to you, such as, the gas station attendant who saw you purchase FOUR GALLONS OF GASOLINE, moments before that police car burst into flames in an empty parking lot for no reason whatsoever . . . because no one in a small town being overrun by contract killers is going to notice that . . .

surrounded by idiots

And while we are on the subject . . . twist ties? Really?

twist ties haha

“All this trouble just to remind me to put out my recycling tomorrow morning? It’s a little much, don’t you think?”

Nonetheless, I’m actually really happy that Hank did what he did. After all, if it weren’t for this schmucko, us Teen Wolf fans would never have been blessed with the glory of getting to see this . . .

incomig

Let’s watch that again . . .

phoenix

Now, for the most part, our Deputy Parrish has always been a pretty zen guy. But you could understand why Sheriff Stilinski’s stalwart sidekick is feeling a bit grumpy, after having had to suffer the pain of being burned alive, followed by the humiliation of having to walk back to the office in his now soot-colored birthday suit . . .

not happy want to punch

hate you meet fist

Plus, he’s barefoot, and who knows what kind of fetid crap ends up on those Beacon Hills PD floors?

barefoot

BabyScared

Athlete’s foot is no picnic!

And so, for the first time this season, we get to meet . . . Hulk Parrish!

smash 2

“Parrish . . . smash!”

Mommy like . . . a lot.

I hope you like cold prison showers, Hank!

punch

You can’t handle the truth.

Scott and Lydia immediately bring Parrish to Derek’s and Peter’s apartment, probably because Parrish needs clothes, and what the Hales lack in furniture, they make up for in a lifetime supply of deep v-neck muscle tees in every color imaginable . . .

adorable

Scott hopes Derek can tell them all what kind of creature Parrish might be. (Hint: PHOENIX! HE’S A PHOENIX!)

psychic

Unfortunately, Derek’s knowledge of supernatural creatures is limited to were-stuff . . . like

Werecoyotes . ..

malia nails

Werefoxes . ..

fox head

Werelizards . ..

what is a kan

half kanaima jack

Werejaguars . ..

tumblr_n9q3heOpV01qggrzoo7_250

Werebears . ..

mama bear

And Popples . . . lots and lots of Popples . . .

popple

And so, Deputy Parrish’s moment of supernatural self discovery is going to have to be put on hold for at least another episode . But on the bright side, wintergreen is a really great color on him . . .

psychic

climb that like a tree badela

Speaking of hidden truths, over at the hospital, a doctor, who I am pretty sure was murdered on the show last season (maybe he’s a Phoenix too?), is not so gently reminding Papa Stilinski, who took a bullet during the whole Parrish/Hank fracas, may have to pay some of his medical bills out-of-pocket.

thought he died

“Pretty sure I was murdered last season by a guy with bugs crawling out of his stomach. But papa needs a new button down business shirt, so continuity be damned!”

Stiles is furious with his father for hiding the family’s money troubles from him. “We are supposed to take care of each other,” he pleads with his father.

take care of sad hot stiles

poor

Here’s hoping when this is all over Derek shares some of the Hale $117 million with the poor little pack friends who saved his ass from death more times than he could count . . .

der funny face ha

Spray and Pray

Clearly, the Benefactor has been unimpressed up to this point with the assassins she selected to rid Beacon Hills of its supernatural population. She needs to expand her horizons. She considers creating a Deadpool Fans Facebook page, but realize that this guy already has one . . .

deadpool

She considers tweeting about it, but sadly remembers that “Dead Girls Can’t Tweet.”

2 2 zombies don't text katie-cassidy

And so, she is forced to settle for good-old fashioned printer bombing . . .

der not on

At least, this way, what she can’t deliver in Dead Supes, she makes up for in Murdered Trees . . .

tree fresh

Banshee People Problems . . .

Like Grandmother like daughter. Apparently, Lydia’s grandmother Lorraine, not only was a banshee like Lydia. She also looked like Lydia . . .

look like lyd and al

Was smart like Lydia (for a female to have a job at a place like IBM back then, must have been a HUGE deal) . . .

3 15 too smart seduced summer

Had an athletic best friend who looked like Allison . . . like Lydia . . .

alli

Predicted, but couldn’t prevent that friend’s death . . . like Lydia . . .

scream for al

And apparently, played a part in making Meredith more bonkers than she was originally . . . like Lydia.

not hap

“No more Justin Bieber, pleeeeeassse!”

 

Banshees Don’t Predict Danger . . .

Elsewhere in town, Derek breaks the news to Scott that he’s more-or-less a born again human. It must be tough for people like Derek to go from a supernatural hot guy who occasionally sprouts unattractive hair from his ears, to a garden variety hot guy . . .

derek body

“I wonder if this will impact my sexual performance . . .”

On the positive side, Derek being human means he’s no longer worth as much money dead! YAYYY!

ep 8 stiles excited jeff bernbie

“Let’s go test out that whole sexual prowess theory. What do you say?”

The bad news is that the price on his head got transferred wholesale to Liam . . .

confused liam

“Doesn’t murdering the virgin first violate major movie logic?”

. . .which seems kind of unfair. I mean, how about spreading the wealth, Benefactor? Have you seen Parrish naked? (Clearly you have. I’m starting to think that Banshees get 24-7 live feed access to all murders happening everywhere. It’s like a really morbid version of Big Brother).

handsome thank you

That bod’s got to be worth at least another two mil! Am I right?

5 1 chuck yes

In even worse news, Derek just learned he was the cipher key to open 1/3 of the deadpool. Scott, having an uncharacteristic burst of social awareness, tactfully explains what this might mean for our brooding lone wolf. “You . . . um . . . may be in . . . er . . . danger?”

no idea what im doing

(This is basically like telling someone who is about to have their leg amputated, that the doctor is going to have to make a small incision on their kneecap.)

But Derek has never been one to mince words.   “Screw danger. A banshee thinks I’m going to die = I’m worm food.”

dead derek

The Grandma Code

What was your THING with your grandmother? My grandma was awesome, not going to lie. She took me to the aquarium to see the sea lions (so cute), road roller coasters with me on family vacations, let me stay up late watching TV and eating Tootsie Rolls when she babysat. She rocked.

grans pie

Apparently, Lydia’s thing with her grandma was reading The Little Mermaid . . . the original one, which actually had a really sad ending. (Spoiler alert: The Little Mermaid dies.)

human world mess

But maybe Grandma Martin edited that part out. In fact, I think she probably did, or she wouldn’t be so cool with Lydia calling herself “Ariel” all the time, even though she kind of does look like Ariel. Don’t you think?

ariel as little mermaid

lydia brave tatikatelena

(Slight nitpick . . . Lydia claims she read the Hans Christian Anderson version of the Little Mermaid with her grandmother, not a book adaptation of the Disney film, as Stiles suggested. And yet, actually the name Ariel is exclusively a Disney name. The Hans Christian Andersen book doesn’t bother giving the Little Mermaid a name . . .also coincidentally, it has no Sebastian.

seaweed greener

How on Earth can you have a Little Mermaid without that adorable Jamaican-accented crab? No wonder the story was so depressing!)

Anywhoo, that’s the key to grandma’s cipher code: Ariel . . .

arielkey

More names . . . but no dollar amounts attached to these . . . why? Because they are all banshees, and . . . wait for it. They are all already DEAD!

By suicide, no less . . .

Suicide . . . DON’T DO IT!

Stiles and Lydia pay a visit to our old friend Brunski to get a look at the supposed Banshee Suicide Files. Lydia pays a cool $500 for the privilege. (Did you / do you carry around $500 in your purse in high school? I didn’t. Heck, I don’t carry $500 in my purse now! That’s what credit cards are for!)

money snort

“Smells like early retirement . . . or a date with a hooker . . . probably the hooker.”

$500. That’s a high price to pay for a tazing . . .

tazedelectrifying

Around this time, honorary pack member Parrish figures out that, considering Brunski was the sole witness of all of these supposed suicides, there is a good chance they were less “suicides” and more “murders,” which is super bad news for Stiles, whose name Lydia subconsciously added to her banshee Already Dead Pool just moments earlier . . .

delivered to morgue

Totally Random Dancing

If watching the above-video gave you a headache, congratulations, you’re OLD!

Death by Dubstep.   Well . . . this is new. Back a few seasons ago, only a few select people in Beacon Hills knew that supernatural creatures existed. Now, random cops, security, guards, DJs and other people we’ve never met, are not only aware of, and trying to murder Beacon Hills’ supernatural population, they are also coming up with new and inventive ways to do so that work by culling supernatural creatures out of a crowd . . .

bonfire

See The Chemist . . .

nope drinking tea

And . . . the Really Bad High School Bonfire D.J. . . .

parteee

You know how they have these dog whistles that emit a sound that has such a high pitched frequency that humans can’t detect it, but it drive canines practically bonkers?

scott dog dish

Or that, apparently after you reach around age 20, your ear stops recording high frequency sounds?

Add to this the idea of a dog whistle that can make werewolves intoxicated, and you have the conceit for this week’s Creative Assassin on Teen Wolf . . .

dont dance

Think about how much money you’d save at the bar if it all it took to get drunk was listening to a few minutes of Really Bad Techno?

drinking to get more drink

dance

That would be enough dough to pay for Stiles Eichen House bills AND buy him an entire wardrobe of Sarcastic Phrase t-shirts . . .

drink coffee do good

It doesn’t take long for Scott, Malia and Liam to begin feeling the effects of the crappy Dog Whistle Music. Enter the Security Squad, who decide that the best way to murder unconscious Scott, Malia and Liam is to light them on fire during a very populated bonfire, right in the center of the high school hallway.

done playing

Riiiiight, because lighting supernatural creatures on fire worked so well for their friend Hank . . .

Speaking of Hank . . .

How’s your nose buddy?

punch

Looks like someone got themselves a free nosejob.

Fortunately, Gay Best Friend Mason and New Human Derek become an unlikely duo in this week’s Rescue the Main Characters from Danger Challenge . . .

mighty mouse unplug nap time for suprescue der

Unfortunately, Stiles and Lydia are going to have to wait a bit longer for their Knight and Shining Sexy Pants . . .

Revelations

Hello Brunski, it’s time for Lessons in Villainy 101. When you are trying to murder the witnesses to your crimes through lethal drug injection, (1) it helps not to play a slow five-minute long tape evidencing your guilt in the murder of one of the witness’ grandmothers . . .