It’s Official, Scott McCall is the Worst – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Lies of Omission”

“Die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

Such were the wise words of Harvey Dent. You might remember him from the Batman film, The Dark Knight Rises, as That Guy Who (Spoiler Alert) Definitely Didn’t Die a Hero.

OK, so not every person who doesn’t die young is destined to become a deformed super villain with multiple personality disorder. But I think it is safe to say that, at least for most of us, the longer we live, the more inevitable stains and tears we are going to rack up on our White Knight and Shining Armor pant suits.

At least from Season 2, onward, Scott McCall has always been more of a Superman-brand of hero, than a Batman-type one, reserving the very human pitfalls of heroism for the rest of his pack mates (broodiness and hunger for power for Derek, vanity for Lydia, a thirst for revenge for Allison, introspection and crippling self-doubt for Stiles) so that he could focus more fully on the “special snowflake” aspects of his job.

The True Alpha . . . Bits

And while special snowflake heroes tend to be the ones you’d choose first to rescue you from a burning building or sadistic serial killer, they also tend to be the last ones you choose to do anything else with you, because they are just so friggin uptight, judgmental, and downright BORING!

Up until this season, Scott had a fix for that problem too. He never had to be charming, or even particularly likeable, because he came as a package deal with this awesome group of pals who were charming and likeable for him!

Then those awful, unsanitary, poorly dressed, mumbling low-rent Darth Vader Dredd Doctors and their little minion Theo came along, and stole Scott’s special snowflake-ness from him. They gently pushed him to alienate his charming friends. Until, eventually, all that was left was a self-righteous kid with asthma, who was kind of a dick.

The kind of guy who wouldn’t lift a finger to save his surrogate little brother’s dying girlfriend, because it didn’t conform with his “moral code” . . .

The kind of guy who lets his own girlfriend sacrifice herself to an uncertain fate, just because the fox costume she always wears inadvertently took some steroids . . .

The kind of guy who would believe the words of a douchebag he used to hang out with on swing sets eight years ago, over those of his best friend for life, Stiles.

And really, anyone who hurts Stiles is a villain in my book . . . plain and simple

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre for fearlessly screencapping so many gross pictures of silver nose snot.  He’s got a stomach of steel, that one!]

Adventures in Monologuing

Scott’s even starting to monologue like a super villain! But instead of talking about cool stuff, like world domination and mass murder, he’s talking about lame stuff, like his feelings, how his friends don’t smile at him in the hallways anymore, and his asthma. In fact, the entire opening sequence reminds me of one of those commercials for antidepressants starring Scott and his pals in the role of The Sad Egg . . .

https://youtu.be/twhvtzd6gXA

“All of your whining is seriously harshing my buzz. I’m going to go hang out with my evil friends, the Dredd Dorks. At least they know how to party,” mutters Theo.

“What did you say?” Scott asks with raised eyebrows.

“Um . . . I said, everything is fine, Cuz! I’m going to go eat some moo shoo pork. I don’t want to be tardy,” covers Theo, as he exits stage left, laughing maniacally.

“Theo is such a standup guy,” Scott muses, as he watches from the window, while his new pal stabs three elderly ladies, kicks two puppies, and blows up a playground full of happy school children. “Inviting him to join our pack was my best decision ever.”

“Pee on me. Sit on me”

Theo heads on over to the Dredd Doctors lab, where the guys are clearly busy taking hits of their own “experimental” drug product.

No wonder we can never understand a word these guys are saying. They must be stoned out of their minds all the time!

“Hey fellow Bad Guys,” begins Theo conversationally. “Listen, I know you wanted to off Hayden so the Naked Garbage Man can add her to his ever growing Burning-Tree Stump Collection? But Jeff Davis told me to tell you that you can’t murder her yet, since she’s going to be a series regular next season.   Because Young Love and stuff. Also because all the other ships on this show are pretty much dead in the water.”

“Perigee-Syzegy” says one of the Dredd Doctors, as he takes another hit of what looks like heroine mixed with really dirty bong water.

“Pee on me? Sit on me?” Theo asks, clearly confused, as we all are.

“Perigee-Syzegy,” repeats the Dredd Doctor, more firmly, this time.

“Did you just say pot of bees, sick of fleas?” Theo posits.

“PERIGEE-SYZEGY!” The Dredd Doctor says a third time. (Now he’s really getting pissed.)

“What about a Pedigree Symphony?” Theo inquires.

“You are going to die tonight, you hunk of dumb evil junk!” The Dredd Doctor growls.

“Ohhhhh Perigee-Syzegy! The Supermoon! You need it to complete your weird science experiment or whatever. Why didn’t you say that in the first place? Honestly, you stoners could be such intellectual snobs sometimes,” Theo replies with a knowing wink at the audience.

Meanwhile over at the love shack, otherwise known as “Behind the School Bus in Beacon Hills High” . .. .

Love Means Never Having to Say “You have silver boogers in your nose.”

Awww, Liam and Hayden! So cute! With their confessions of love, and their tongue kisses, and their patent inability to use tissues when they clearly need them . . .

Apparently, not only are the Dredd Doctors raging drug addicts, they are giving all the teen wuzzles at school massive cocaine problems.   “Please don’t tell anybody about my gross snot thing,” Hayden pleads to her new boo. “It’s really embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as that time during sixth grade when I had to take my school picture with a broken nose because you punched . . . too soon?”

“Let’s run away together! I’ll protect you from the Dredd Doctors. I’ll pack a bag with lots of energy bars for us to eat, and lots of tissues for me to clean the snot off your nose,” Liam decides impulsively.

“But I’ve only known you for about four episodes, and most of that time we’ve spent either unconscious or punching one another in the face,” Hayden posits. “How do we know our sudden passion for one another isn’t borne from the adrenaline rush of our recent brush with death, and won’t fade the minute, some other pretty wuzzle with a nose bleed casts a fist in the general direction of your nasal cavity?”

“Ummmm . . . ,” replies Liam.

“Screw it, let’s do it,” exclaims Hayden excitedly, shooting an adorable snot rocket in Liam’s direction to seal the deal. (Everything Hayden does is adorable, obviously.)

“Oh hey, Scott!” Liam exclaims super awkwardly, a bit later, as he hauls a duffel bag filled with a lifetime supply of snot tissues and wuzzle food onto the bench in front of him. “Please ignore this massive piece of evidence sitting right in front of you that I am about to put myself in harms way.”

“Nice getaway duffel bag you got there. I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to go suck on my inhaler and monologue some more. Be careful of the upcoming Supermoon and your IBS,” Scott notes.

“I don’t have irritable bowel syndrome!” Liam protests.

“Oops. I mean IED. I always mess those two up. Anyway. Gotta jet,” offers Scott, as he skips off stage left.

“Seriously? You didn’t even notice how shady I’m acting? My loud and plaintive cries for help weren’t loud enough for you? You are the worst dad ever, Scott! And you think I have IBS? What a jerk! I’m going to go take my girlfriend to the creepy gay club and get us both killed now. Thanks for your support!” Liam huffs.

Meanwhile, elsewhere on campus, Stiles IS DEAD!!!

Just kidding. This show would so be cancelled, if that were even remotely true.   That’s just Stiles’ guilt talking. And Stiles’ Guilt has a big mouth, and a real knack for hyperbole.

Enough of this guilt talk. Let’s go to the gym, and get ripped with new wuzzle Corey!

I Wanna Get Physical!

Because Teen Wolf is nothing, if not an educational program, I proudly present to you, “Workout tips from Soon-to-be-Dead Wuzzles.”

• When lifting weights, always make sure to have a spotter, who weighs more than eighty pounds soaking wet..
• Be sure to stretch before you get started, to avoid muscle strain.
• Eat a light meal about 20 to 30 minutes before your workout to maximize your energy levels. Emphasis on light. Eating too much right before a workout, could result in some serious embarrassment, not to mention a ruined muscle-tee. And muscle tees aren’t cheap!

“I saw this going a whole lot better in my head.”

While Corey gets shipped off to the hospital with the 98% fatality rate, to blend into some walls, hurt some folks, and suffer an unceremonious demise at the hand of one of the Dredd Doctors . . .

. . . another one is at the school killing this chick, who doesn’t seem to have any cool powers, apart from being really efficient at biting her nails. Lame! Failure indeed.

Say what you will about the Dredd Doctors, but they really are the best when it comes to Team Work with a capital T!

Malia is just so done with this Dredd Doctor sh*t.  Dead wuzzles? A “pack leader” who can’t fight, and monologues too much? Shitty teachers that don’t appreciate her awesome color contacts? Living in a cave in the woods and eating her own poop is starting to seem like a really good idea right now. #Nostalgia.

Speaking of nostalgia . . .

Lydia and Stiles reunite . . . for about two seconds

 Remember a few seasons back, when Lydia and Stiles used to sleuth together all the time, doing all the heavy intellectual lifting for their big hearted, but little brained pals, each week, tossing off a few witty one-liners and the occasional eye-f*ck as they worked side by side?

I miss that about this show. And we got some of it this week, while Lydia and Stiles wandered through the woods in search of the lost Nemeton . . . you know, because Big Ass Trees roughly the size of an entire town with mountains of dead bodies adorning them are SUPER hard to find.

“You know, it’s been fun sleuthing with you again. But I should really get Naked Garbage Man Parrish to help out with this instead because Sex,” Lydia insists. “Besides, it’s always better when the secretly evil characters on this show learn that they are evil.”

“Yeah, because when I found out I was secretly evil, I locked myself up I an insane asylum, had sex with Malia, killed a bunch of folks, and almost murdered Scott,” Stiles notes.

“Exactly, I knew you’d understand,” replies Lydia, patting Stiles on the head like he’s a dog.

“So, really this is only about sex and nothing else,” Stiles says.

“Pretty much, yeah,” Lydia admits.

“You know what would be fun, if we beat the sh*t out of each other in this forest,” Lydia says to Naked Garbage Man Parrish later that day.

“Why do all the couples on this show have to beat each other up this season? I feel like it sends a bad message to today’s youth that they should equate assault with foreplay,” Parrish posits.

“Stop acting like you have a brain, and look pretty,” Lydia insists. “Also punch me in the face.”

“OK,” Parrish responds, before giving Lydia a black eye. “Hey check it out! Isn’t that the tree where I carry all the dead wuzzle bodies?” Parrish notes.

“And to think, it’s been right behind us this whole time, and all it took was a little physical abuse for us to find it,” Lydia responds excitedly.

Later, Parrish locks himself up in a jail cell that might as well be made of paper clips, for all it will do to keep the Naked Garbage Man from stealing more dead bodies.

“Amateur Hour,” mutters Stiles under his breath, while shaking his head.

If Theo Can’t Have Stiles, NO ONE CAN!

You know everyone believes that Theo is all obsessed with Scott, and wants to alienate him from all his friends, so he could like, become him, or something?  But personally, I think Theo is all about Stiles. This is simply a case of a boy, standing in front of another boy, with a bunch of decapitated puppy heads in his fist, asking him to love him.

Step one in Theo’s master plan to win Stiles’ heart, is to break him up from his first love, Scott. “Hey Scott,” Theo begins casually, as the pair go for a nice leisurely drive around town, because Theo loves nothing more than riding in cars with boys. “I think it’s really cool how supportive you’ve been of Stiles, even though he beat that wuzzle with a wrench, killed him, and tried to cover it up. You’re a good friend!”

“WHAT?   STILES IS A MURDERER . . . ON PURPOSE, THIS TIME?” Scott exclaims.

“Oops, was I not supposed to tell you that?” Theo says with a wink at the camera, as he sticks his arm out the car window, and strangles a nun.

Step two in Theo’s seduction of Stiles plan, is to get in good with his dad, by telling him that HE killed Donovan to save the Sheriff’s and Stiles’ life, this has the dual effect of exonerating Stiles for the murder HE committed, and making Theo look like a hero in front of his hopefully future father in law.

Smooth, Theo! Super smooth!

All of this ultimately results in Scott dumping Stiles, in the pouring rain, no less! “You believe Theo over me, your best friend, about the whole murder of Donovan thing?” Stiles asks incredulously. “The guy wears a heart shaped locket around his neck with Adolf Hitler’s picture on one side and Darth Vader’s on the other. He’s so obviously a bad dude! What the heck is wrong with you this season that you can’t see that?”

“Whatever, I don’t like you anymore, because The Plot makes it so. Off to make some more ridiculously poor life choices. See ya,” Scott calls out over his shoulder.

In Which Scott Makes More Ridiculously Poor Life Choices . . .

 

Hiding out at the gay club, where the Dredd Doctors are VIPs, who seem to show up there at least once an episode, seems like a great idea to lovebirds Liam and Hayden. The pair barely have enough time to steal some cash from the safe, and do a few shots of tequila off one another’s oh-so-perfect abdominals, when guess who shows up to spoil their fun.

Surprise! It’s the Dredd Doctors.

Fortunately, Scott and Theo are there to suck royally at life, and not help at all!

Then, the Dredd Doctors give Hayden another heroine injection and she dies.

“Give hugs not drugs?”

Just kidding! She’s fine! Heroine is not dangerous at all, kids!

Later, in the car on the way home, Hayden conveniently decides that she’s dying again. So, Theo suggests that Scott turn her into a full-on werewolf to prevent this from happening. “Awww, can you do it, Daddy Werewolf? Can you, pretty pretty please with a cherry on top? I’ll be your best friend,” pleads Liam.

“No! You’re grounded. Go to your room, Liam. And don’t even think about using your cell phone, playing video games, or watching the love of your life suffer a slow cruel and senseless death,” Scott scolds.

“I hate you, Dad! I wish you were dead!” Liam cries in anguish.

Meanwhile, somewhere off stage, Theo is kissing the photograph of Stiles he keeps in his boxer shorts, and dancing the Macarena in triumph . . . “Soon, my lover boy! Soon you will be mine,” he whispers to the photograph.

See you next time, Werebangers!

 

 

Don’t Wanna Be Your Monkey Wrench – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “A Novel Approach”

The problem with supernaturally “gifted” do-gooder heroes like Scott McCall, is that they tend to be a bit boring judgey. There are only so many times one person can vanquish the Big Bad, sacrifice his safety for that of the group, rescue the helpless, rally the troops, mentor the naïve, and champion the misunderstood, without it going to his head . . . without the hero starting to believe that everyone he cares about must live by his rigid moral code, or else.

Back in the early seasons of Teen Wolf, Scott McCall was a character who was still figuring things out. He struggled with violent impulses toward his adversaries, as he managed his new wolf-like temper. He battled with lust, and found himself giving in to temptation with Lydia, even though Stiles was in love with her. His pride kept him on the lacrosse team, despite the fact that his superhuman strength gave him an unfair advantage against most of his teammates and opponents. And Peter’s seductive offers of power, made him seriously consider turning to the darkside, on more than one occasion.

Now, in Season 5, Scott McCall is a different animal (pun intended) entirely. He’s even-tempered, virtuous, unfailingly loyal and almost monk-like in his incorruptibility (except for that one episode where he wore a bear mask for ten minutes, but we don’t need to get into that). Alpha Wolf Scott McCall’s world is a 1950’s monochrome. Everything is either good or evil, black or white. There is no in between.

Unfortunately, for Saint McCall, his pack mates still reside within the shades of grey. They recognize that some people can’t be trusted, and aren’t worth saving. They understand that there are some times when good ends are justified by bad means. They are unmistakably human in mind and spirit, even if not entirely in body. And it is that flawed humanity that is throwing some serious monkey wrenches into Scott McCall’s plans to Save the World from the Dredd Doctors.

And, in the case of Scott’s bestie, Stiles, this just happened to come in the form of an actual monkey wrench. . .

This week on Teen Wolf, everyone’s favorite Naked Garbage Man makes another pickup. Malia continues to confirm every bad stereotype that ever existed about female drivers. Third Eye guy becomes, Just Some Middle Aged Dude with a Hole in His Head. And Kira confirms her suspicion that electrocuting one’s boyfriend truly is the best form of foreplay.

Let’s review, shall we?

Very Superstitious

As if we needed any more confirmation that the superstition stating that it’s bad luck to walk under a ladder is 100% true, Teen Wolf proudly presents . . .

The Not So Tragic Death of Donovan . . .

I gotta say, as cold opens go, this one was one of Teen Wolf’s stronger submissions. I mean sure, unlike the typical Teen Wolf open, where a character we’ve never met before is put in peril, and we are legitimately uncertain as to whether they will live or die, Stiles’ surviving this “hand with a mouth drawn on it” mauling . . .

. . . was not in question here. And yet, despite that, Dylan O’Brien’s ability to silently (apart from some seriously heavy breathing that seemed in desperate need of an inhaler) convey Stiles’ utter terror, as Donovan tracked him from the car to the library, his impulsive decision to use the monkey wrench to loosen the screws on the ladder nearest to the one he was ascending, and his conflicting feelings of guilt, horror, relief, and even a slight bit of satisfaction at Donovan’s gory demise at his own hand, was riveting to watch.

Also, let’s face it. Some people in this world just deserve to be made into a human shishkabob.

Then, we get to the part where Stiles calls 911 to report the dead body, and returns to the scene just seconds later, only to find it scooped up by our Naked Garbage Man. (Who just so happened to be wearing clothes this week. What’s the fun in that?)

So, now we know that Naked Garbage Man doesn’t just retrieve bodies, carry them to the Nemeton, and burn them out of existence with his hot bod, he also cleans up crime scenes like a champ.

Clearly, Parrish is much better at his Naked Garbage Man job than his cop job . . .

But it does beg the question, of how Parrish got there so fast.   Do the Dredd Doctors have him on speed dial? Does the playing card with Lydia’s face on it scream at him, banshee style, whenever he needs to pick up a new corpse? (Typical nagging cardboard girlfriend!)   Does he just hang around Scott and Stiles, knowing that these guys are pretty much guaranteed to produce a supernatural corpse in the cold open of every episode?

More importantly, does being a Naked Garbage Man come with a 401K plan?

Scott McCall’s Book Club

Having already read all the books in the 50 Shades of Grey series, including that astonishingly bad one from Christian’s perspective, Scott’s wolf pack decides to read something a bit more relevant to their lives . . . that book about the Dredd Doctors they stole from Now-Dead Tracey’s house! Kira kindly offers to make a photocopy of the darn thing, which, anyone who has ever tried to photocopy a teeny tiny soft cover paperback will tell you, is pretty much the most mind-numbingly awful job ever. (No wonder she electrocuted Scott later in the episode, to get him back for making her do it.)

SO MANY PAPER CUTS!

“If you want to be in our pack, you have to participate in our book club,” Scott tells Theo, in no uncertain terms, as he shows him the copy of the Dredd doctor book.

“Wait, you guys are in a book club? But I thought you were all virtually illiterate,” Theo wonders out loud.

“Malia and I are virtually illiterate,” Scott explains. “But Stiles is only illiterate when he’s void Stiles, and everyone else can read to us just fine. Lydia even does these really great character voices, which make me giggle. Do you do character voices, Theo? Because you will be much more likely to get into the pack if you can.”

“Hey check out the back page of this book,” Theo demands, as he laughs maniacally and winks at the camera.

“Why?” Scott asks, flustered. “Nobody reads the acknowledgement page in a book, except the people being acknowledged, because it’s basically the book equivalent of the boring part of Oscar acceptance speeches, only without the pretty dresses and manufactured tears. I’m a functioning illiterate, and even I know that.”

Theo rolls his eyes. “Look, it’s imperative that you read the acknowledgement page of this book, read Dr. Valack’s name on it, and go visit him in the mental hospital, because he wrote this book, and my bosses, the Dredd Doctors, need you to see him, for reasons.”

“But if he wrote the book, why didn’t he put his name on the front cover, as the author?” Scott question. “This way I would absolutely read it, unlike the acknowledgement page, which nobody reads.”

“Whatever, Scott,” Theo replies exasperatedly. “Just do what I say mindlessly, and leave the thinking on this show to the smart characters like Stiles and Lydia. I’ve got to go worship the Devil, torture some live puppies, and brainwash Malia into being my loyal sex slave. Peace out.”

When Something is Lost, Always Consult Your Fox Costume . . .

Later that night, Scott and Kira are sleeping together, because Kira’s parents think there is absolutely nothing wrong with their only minor daughter sharing a bed with her werewolf boyfriend, and are not at all worried that she will one-day wake up to find she’s given birth to a litter of were-fox babies, who will ruin her young life. (Note: Scott’s mom would probably be bothered by this, but, seeing as she’s the only nurse / anesthesiologist / coroner / doctor / sometime surgeon left alive in Beacon Hills, she works 24-hours a day, and hasn’t been out of her scrubs since approximately 1996.)

“If I think really hard, I can still sort of remember a time when I used to get laid . . .”

Kira starts speaking Japanese in her sleep, and Scott appears totally turned off by it. But, of course, he has to pretend he’s not turned off by it, because being turned off by it most probably makes him a racist.

Later, when Kira’s ugly ass belt (seriously, that thing is hideous) goes missing, she asks Scott to look at her with his red hangover eyes to help her find it. When Scott turns on his Creepo-vision, he sees Kira’s fox head (which looks oddly bear-like for a fox, no?) helpfully pointing out the belt’s location for Scott.

Ummm . . . so basically, this was the writers’ clever way of illustrating that Fox Kira and Kira-Kira aren’t the same entity? So Fox Kira knew where the ugly ass belt was, but Kira-Kira didn’t? If so, why didn’t Fox Kira just tell Kira-Kira where the ugly ass belt was, instead of going through Scott’s Creepo-vision?

Anywhoo, Kira now has her belt. And they all can live unfashionably ever after . . .

Driving Miss Crazy

Because Malia used to be a mental patient at Eichen House, and could possibly decide she likes it better in the nuthouse where she had a better haircut, than at Beacon Hills, if she returns, our sassy were-coyote isn’t invited on the pack’s Journey into Evil this week.

Instead, she is stuck reading that crappy book, into which the author nonsensically inserted himself into the Acknowledgement page. “Hey, Malia, want to ride my car?” Theo asks, looking so shady as he confronts her, that he might as well be curling an evil black mustache, and strangling an angel child with his bare hands, as he speaks.

“Is that a euphemism for sex?” Malia wonders, as Evil Theo not-at-all subtly undresses her with his eyes.

“Absolutely, but I’d like you to almost murder me in my own car, before we sleep together, just to make sure we really like one another,” responds Theo.

In Theo’s car, he tries to impress Malia with how not frightened of death he is, by instructing her to speed, and drive with her hands at the bottom of the wheel, like she’s a pimp in a rap video. Because everybody knows that those who are incapable of driving like “normal” people are always the absolute best at driving like “cool people.”

(This reminds me of the time when I was learning how to drive, and my dad instructed me to do it by resting my knees on the steering wheel only. Basically, I think he just wanted to take the piss out of my mom, who was in the backseat at the time, clutching the armrests for dear life. . .)

Inevitably Malia goes into her usual PTSD mode, and nearly crashes the car, only to have Theo, inexplicably, roll out of the car on top of her, so he can “stare lovingly into her eyes.”

This time, however, Malia actually remembers a useful piece of information during her fourth traumatic brush with death-via-motor vehicle of the year. “Hey, my evil mother shot at my adopted mom and sister, the day I thought I turned into a were-coyote and killed them inside the family car. This makes me potentially innocent of murder! It also means my parents are even more despicable humans than originally imagined!”

Eichen Louse

Though Stiles was once a mental patient just like Malia, and is clearly experiencing PTSD, himself, from that one time earlier this episode when he murdered a dude, he still decides to accompany Lydia to see Dr. Valack, because he luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuves her. (Which is totally cool by the way, because sex between Malia and Evil Theo is inevitable this season, obviously).

I like how Lydia recognizes immediately that something is up with Stiles, and that he is injured and sad, lets him know that she knows, but doesn’t judge him or press him for information until he’s ready to talk about it. She instinctively understands that he needs to be there for Lydia, while they do this, just as much as Lydia needs him.

This, when Scott, who has been friends with Stiles for way longer, is completely clueless . . .  so clueless in fact, that he “confides” in his friend, that he thinks Kira might be turning into a terrible person, because she almost killed the evil scorpion thing that was trying to murder them all at the Random Dancing night club.

“Ummmm . . . maybe she did it in self-defense?” Stiles offers, hopefully, as he contemplates telling his friend about his own dalliance with freak-of-the-week murder.

“No way,” responds Scott. “All murderers deserve to rot in hell for the rest of eternity. Now, what was it you wanted to tell me earlier? Something about you and Donovan?”

Stiles whistles uncomfortably, as he, Scott, Kira and Lydia enter Eichen House.

Once inside the nuthouse, Kira is immediately forced to take off her hideous belt, so it doesn’t frighten the mental patients with its ugliness. Then, Scott and Kira learn that they can’t cross into Valack’s chamber, because it’s protected by mountain ash, and they are supernatural creatures. (Not sure why Lydia wasn’t kept out too, seeing as she’s a banshee and all, but . . . details.)

“Hey Third Eye Guy,” Lydia and Stiles begin conversationally. “What’s up with this crappy book, you wrote, but pretended you didn’t, by writing your name on a page of it that nobody will read?”

“I wrote it so you crazy kids would remember the Dredd Doctors, and how the last time they came to Beacon Hills, they gave you all anal probes, and made you bark like dogs, for five straight hours, just for fun. Oh yeah, and then they buried a bunch of teenagers in holes, and turned them into Wuzzle Killing Machines.”

“Ha, joke is on you,” responds Stiles. “Because Lydia and I are the only people in Beacon Hills who know how to read.”

“Hey, can you do me a favor?” Third Eye Guy asks. “Scream into this tape recorder, Banshee, so I can press it against the glass holding me in this cell, shatter it, and escape.”

“But if I’m screaming in front of your cell, won’t that break the glass anyway, without the tape recorder?” Lydia wonders out loud.

“Oh, absolutely, but this makes it way more dramatic,” Third Eye Guy Explains.

Meanwhile, out at the entrance to Eichen House, Kira is starting to short circuit, and the electric currents she shoots out of her body, totally screw with Eichen House’s security system, allowing the Dredd Doctors to enter, as was their original plan.   Scott carries Electric Kira to safety, suffering severe burns all over his body in the process.

“Hey, I remember I told you I loved you in last week’s episode!” Scott exclaims.

“Glad all it took was an electrocution to get you to recall something you said less than 48 hours ago,” replies Kira. “Just be thankful you are pretty.”

Inside Eichen House, the Dredd Doctors extract Third Eye Guy’s third eye, immediately converting him from somebody cool, into just some dumb schlub who doesn’t understand that no one reads the Acknowledgement page on books.

“Now, the party don’t start, til we walk in!”

Then, now Boring Two-Eyed Valack plays the tape Lydia made for him about ten minutes ago, and her scream from the recorder, breaks the glass of his cell, even though her scream in real life did not. He escapes into the night, rendering the population of Beacon Hills just a bit more filled with crazy-eyed insane-os than it was at the beginning of the episode . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

Taming of the Shrewd – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Echo House”

Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers!  It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits).   Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort!  She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!

 

Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .

 

“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”

Five-star cuisine . . .

 

“Tastes like chicken?”

A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need .  . .

 

 

And the accommodations?  Talk about luxurious!

So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while.  Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]

The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow

Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker.  If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims.  Why?  Because he’s a smart guy!  He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.

 

I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .

Simpler-minded . . .

Less complex . . .

I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.

 

“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”

But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too.  One who clearly likes a challenge.  And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap.  He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls.  Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.

They say nice guys finish last.  But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned!  Sorry Stiles!  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .

As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott.  Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum.  Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!

Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.

“Looks pretty swanky.  I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”

And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.

Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.

“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.

Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right?  They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .

Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.

“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”

But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy.  *sniffle*

Just Hanging Out . . .

Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical  equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .

 

He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets!  Very clever!

Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle.  And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you.  Ready?

“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky.  It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”

Get it?  It’s a SHADOW!

 

Come on Nogitsune!  Stop giving us riddles with the same answer.  Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .

 

“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right?  The answer is totally wings!”

Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule.  But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it.  She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.

 

Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!

 

All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy.  He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!

“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”

“This place has a lot of echoes.  That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”

“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?”  (Just kidding.  He never said that one.)

In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .

. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .

By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug.  Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note.  But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.

You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .

Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House.  Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .

 

Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table.  I wonder what that would look like?

Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.

Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular.  But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material.  So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right?  Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .

 

“My queen!”

“My fist!”

Then again, maybe not . . .

 

But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty.  Check it out.  It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .

While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .

 

 

 

Curiouser and curiouser . . .

Fun with Flags Scrolls

This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason.  Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.

 

“These are some really expensive paper towels.”

For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy?   Huh?

 

“Why are my friends so stupid?”

Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.”  Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!

In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles

Poor Stiles!  A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise.  First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance.  Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned.  And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.

By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.

 

 

“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”

The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?

Animal Instincts

While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.

 

“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”

 

But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy.  Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina).  Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there.  Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again .   . .

 

It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven .  . .

After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs.  “They are not going to drill holes in my head.”  (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.

 

 

But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.

 

“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”

 

Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show!   Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Give me the Finger!

So many mixed metaphors on this show.  First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”

OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor.  But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer.  The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.

Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .

Give him the finger . . .

Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.

 

“I’ve got it!  The answer is shadow!”

Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.

Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .

 

Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.

Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.

Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about.  Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish.  She was much more interesting then . . .

La Loba . . . El Bano.

Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .

Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel   . . .

Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.

 

“How did I get my bat back?”

“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon.  Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”

“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”

In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads.  (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)

Rock on, Stiles.  It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!

Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.

Other turn ons for Malia?  Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .

(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)

 

What’s a girl to do?  I know!  You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!

 

Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune!  Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot.  (So much pretty on one television screen!).

 

 

 

But also kind of cheap, in a way.  Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible,  with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.

 

“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”

Then again, it’s also kind of realistic.  Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .

Or . .  . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!

Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?

You know what would be hotter though?  If they did it to This Song  . . .

Even better news?  Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .

 

 

Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.

Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony.  And it tells them . . .  pretty much nothing.

“It just says Shadow.”

Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host.  And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles!  You need to bulk up . . .

. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .

The Trouble with Eating Bugs

Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?

Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?

But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?

 

“Et tu Oliver?”

“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover?  If so, then yes.”

Now, you will!

Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .

 

Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned.   And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.

 

But wait, there’s more!

Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?

Watch out, Lydia!  The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .

 

Next time on Teen Wolf . . . Chaos!

See ya then, Werebangers!

This Bug’s For You – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Galvanize”

“Can you paint with all the colors of the wiiiiiiiiiiiiind?”

Aloha, Werebangers!  Since the main driving force behind Season 3B is to illustrate the consequences of our Beacon Hill’s Scooby Gang landing on a Hellmouth,  succumbing to a Kryptonite-Infused Meteor Shower,   dropping The Veil between the Natural World and the Supernatural One, temporarily sacrificing themselves as a tribute to the Supernatural Beacon Tree that is the Nemeton, it makes sense that this collection of episodes would seem a bit more disjointed and “freak of the week”-y, than the ones that preceded them . .  .

Let’s see, so far, in addition to our usual round-up of Alphas, Betas, Omegas, Banshees, Were-hunters, Emissaries, and people who REALLY, REALLY HATE MOUNTAIN ASH .  . .

. . . we have met Were-Coyotes . . .

. . . Fly Guys . . .

. . . Bug Tummies (who may or may not be related to the Fly Guys) . .  .

This is kind of like what happens to me whenever I eat burritos . . .

 .  . . Samurais (who also may or may not be related to the Fly Guys)  . . .

It’s like the Scream Mask on Steroids . . .

.  . . and Kira the Kitsune . . .

There’s a benefit to this type of narrative structure.  For one thing, the plot possibilities are endless.  (Consider how long shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Smallville, and Scooby Doo managed to stay on air!)  Freaks-of-the-Week also enable episode plots to be self-contained.  This means that new and casual viewers can join the fandom at any time, without getting bogged down in the quagmire of complex series mythology.

The downside?  End-of-the-season payoffs on these type of shows tend to be much smaller, and the rewards for loyal viewers, who stuck by the show since episode 1, are less substantial.

But hey, it’s only been three episodes.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Perhaps, all of these seemingly disconnected episodes are about to tie together in some brilliant way we have yet to discover.  Maybe the entire season is taking place inside Stiles’ Brain Tumor!

On that note, let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a special thanks to Andre, whose X-Men esque spectacular screencapping abilities, unique YouTube video-finding powers, magically delicious capacity for internet research relating to all things supernatural, and undeniably awesome propensity toward snarky commentary, have all clearly been brought on by his being born next to a Nemeton-Tree .  . . on a Hellmouth . . . surrounded by meteors.]

Making Mischief

“To be honest, I wasn’t sure this show had actual seasons.  But apparently, it’s almost Halloween!  YAY!”

It’s Mischief Night over in Beacon Hills and Scott and Stiles have just broken into the school to play a very kitsune-approved prank on everyone’s favorite teacher, Coach Crackhead . . .

Meanwhile, over at The Hospital Run Entirely By Scott’s Mom, a child-killing psychopath is being wheeled in for an emergency operation by, you guessed it, Papa La Douche McCall.   Seriously!  This guy is basically a magnet for mentally disturbed, murderous, and basically sh*tty people.  He brings them wherever he goes, like some Pied Piper of Evil.

“I’d like you to meet someone.  He murders kids who look just like our son, so I brought him to your hospital just for you.  You’re welcome!”

“And to think I had honest-to-goodness sexual intercourse with this person.”

Papa La Douche wags his eyebrows suggestively at his ex-wife, as he casually tells her that the man she will be feeling up with her stethoscope is an Electrician Turned Child Blower-Upper with shrapnel in his tummy, and basically no remorse for his bad deeds.

To her credit, Mama McCall maintains her composure, even as Mr. Bug-Eyed McCrazypants  totally invades her personal space and stares into her eyes like he wants to swallow her whole.  Bug-Eyed McCrazypants pretty much goads Mama McCall into asking him why blowing up tots is his favorite pastime, and he explains, quite tellingly, that “Their Eyes Were Glowing.”

“Sounds like your heart is two sizes too small.”

“Yeah . . . I can see that.”

Then, he goes all batsh*t, and practically bites Mama McCall’s face off  . . .

.  . . once again reminding the Mother of the Alpha that she totally should have taken the job at Seattle Grace / Grey’s Anatomy, where she could spend her days humping doctors who look like Jesse Williams in the on-call room  . . .

. . . instead of having to put up with this crap . . .

In other news . . .  glowing eyes, huh?  We know a few guys with glowing eyes on this show?  Don’t we?

“SH*T!”

Greenberg Strikes Again

It’s a Beautiful Day in Beacon Hills!  It’s Mischief Day!  It’s Coach Crackhead’s Birthday!  It’s . . . a Day of Forgiveness?

“We want to be series regulars part of your pack.”

Not so much on that last one . . .  as Scott and his Scooby Gang totally reject the not-so-much Alpha anymore Twins from joining their Pack . . .

And why shouldn’t they?  After all, the Twins are responsible for the death of Boyd . . . and Erica  . . . and their entire range of emotions can pretty much be summed up in two expressions: Growl . . .

. . . and Smirk . . .

These are NOT the kind of dudes you want in the foxhole with you, when you are battling Lizard People, Skeletor, Gorillas on Steroids, and Crotchety Old Men . . .

Besides, Scott doesn’t need lame-o Growlers and Smirkers in his pack!  He doesn’t need anybody!  He’s The Hottest Girl in School!

Wait . . . what?

Yeah, apparently, that’s Scott’s new nickname!

(I hear gender identity disorder is particularly common among werewolves.  Basically, this is what happens when your private parts are covered in fur, and you can’t always see them.)

Elsewhere in school, Coach Crackpot learns an important lesson:

A lesson that inadvertently led to our first “Greenberg” reference of the season  . . .

OK, I’m calling it right now.  Somewhere around season 7 or 8 of this show (if it lasts that long), Greenberg will be revealed as the Ultimate Uber- Big Bad of this show, and Coach Crackpot will be his first official victim . . .

(P.S. I like how, with all the bardo, and mental breakdowns and murder going on in Beacon Hills, Stiles and Scott still somehow find the time to pull elaborate pranks on their favorite Psycho Coach.  It’s kind of sweet, actually . . .)

By now, we all know that being a teacher in Beacon Hills is a pretty dangerous profession.  Of course, it’s not nearly as dangerous as being a medical professional in Beacon Hills . . .

Just ask This Guy  . . .

“Is there a doctor in the house, or just Scott McCall’s mom?”

. . . who learned the heard way that joking about “accidentally” killing your psycho patient on the operating table, while he’s not quite unconscious, is the easiest way to earn a first class ticket to your nearest Morgue.

“That joke about my dying was hilarious.  You should have gone to clown college, instead of medical school.  Maybe you still can .  .  . IN HELL!”

Ever see those weddings, where, SURPRISE, a flock of doves fly out of the wedding cake and probably poop in it on the way out and it’s supposed to be “Oh So Romantic.”  Well, this is kind of a variation on that . . .

(Andre had a great screencap of this up close.  But I just didn’t have the “stomach” to use it.  TOO GROSS!”

Seriously, they are coming up with new and inventive ways to off doctors every week on this show!  (Perhaps, Jeff Davis secretly flunked out of medical school, and this is his subtle way of exacting revenge.)

Interestingly enough, this isn’t the first time Teen Wolf has used insects as a tool of doctorly demise.  Remember THE MOTHS IN THE CAR?

Except, this time, if we want to get technical about things, Bug Tummy didn’t actually murder Doctor Snarky by making him choke on flies and/or crash his car.  He just killed him the old-fashioned way . . . with a deft hand and a scalpel . . .

See?  This is another problem with Freak-of-the-Week villains.  They croak before we ever get to really know them!  Bug Tummy is already dead (at least he is by the end of the episode), and I have so many unanswered questions about him.  Like . . .  why does he have bugs in his tummy?  Does he eat them?  Keep them as pets?  Did he just accidentally swallow them one night, while on one of his usual child-killing rampages?  How did he manage to stay awake under anesthesia?  How does he keep his model-thin figure?  Do bugs contain carbs?

The world may never know . . .

In other, seemingly unrelated news, that nifty box Derek and Peter Hale stole from the Mexican baddies contains .  . . wait for it . . . dirty nail clippings from Derek’s dead mom.

“Would it have killed her to add a little red polish?  Geez!”

Man, this show is gross . . .

Peter then wears the dirty nails, for reasons I still don’t quite understand, homoerotically stabs them into Derek’s backside . . .

. . .  and then Derek, sort of / kind of talks to his wolf mom in a dream / hallucination thingy?

“Worst . . . acid trip . . . ever!”

In which Beacon Hill’s School Security System Fails Yet Again

Bug Tummy steals an ambulance (the preferred method of escape for Beacon Hill baddies everywhere, like Zip Car for Evil People), and heads to . . . where else . . . the high school, of course!  In response to Bug Tummy’s presence, Lydia’s eardrums start being bombarded with incessant buzzing, which the Scooby Gang takes as a sign that they need to scour the school for Bug Tummy ASAP, before he murders everyone and Teen Wolf is forced to end prematurely without any Stydia sex scenes at all!  Oh the horror!

“Well, it was nice while it lasted . . . wasn’t it Lydia?  Looks like you’re the looney tune of your social circle, once again.”

At the school, despite being surrounded by hundreds of students, an entire troop of cops, and a pack of werewolves, Bug Tummy is able to (1) waltz in undetected . . .

.  . . (2) hang out calmly in coach’s office, while Lydia the Banshee, who supposedly senses his near-dead presence, and Aiden the Werewolf with his GLOWING EYES and superior sense of smell, make out inches away from Bug Tummy’s grossly bloody, rather malodorous-looking, body   .  . .

“There’s something different about this room.  But I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

. . . (3) staple his stomach together (Well, at least now we know how he keeps his girlish figure.). . .

“Now, I’m the hottest girl!  Eat that, Scott McCall!”

. . . (4) stop off in the chemistry lab to casually mix a few chemicals, and draw painfully cheesy,  and completely unnecessary Sesame Street-like, clues about his motives on the chalk board (more on that later)

. . . (5) stalk Kira in the library a midst the chaos of a pulled fire alarm, and

. . . (6) escape without anybody ever laying eyes on him at all!

Now, that’s impressive!  So, impressive that I actually think Bug Tummy would make a great Alpha.  I mean, sure, he’s kind of socially awkward, makes weird, sometimes off-putting, facial expressions, has some issues with impulse control, and looks way too old to be a high school student.  But hey, the same could be said about Scott!

Stiles tries to get his dad and the rest of the cops to stick around school and search for Bug Tummy some more.  But Stiles’ dad isn’t biting.  As much as Papa Stilinski is sort of/kind of coming around to the idea that pretty much everything that happens in Beacon Hills is somehow supernaturally related, he’s still not quite ready to buy into the idea that the annoying scream of a pretty red headed teen will solve all his murder mysteries . . .

Parents can be so short-sighted sometimes . . .

With the adults out of the picture, the werewolves of Beacon Hills form their own search party, following their noses, just like Toucan Sam, into the school’s boiler room, in an attempt to literally sniff out evil.  Unfortunately, all these wolves seem to be able to smell is sex . . .

Then, Lydia figures out that getting all the school’s wolves into the boiler might actually have been Bug Tummy’s plan all along . . . to get all the Glowing Eyed kids into one place . . . and THEN BLOW THEM INTO SMITHEREENS!

So, Stiles, our hero .  . .

. . . thinking fast, decides to pull the fire alarm, in order to get all his classmates out of the building before they can be turned into rainbow sprinkles . . .

Bug Tummy’s plan is foiled!  The children have been saved!  All is right in the world!  And Stiles is filled with the spontaneous need to dance . . .

Really, it’s the dancing that gets him busted.  (Should have saved that for your bedroom, Stiles . . .)

As for Scott, while the school and all its wolfy and non-wolfy inhabitants are being silently terrorized, and the apocalypse is becoming increasingly imminent, our hero . . . plots his Master Plan to Save the World from Bug Tummy . . . keeps his pack safe, by shuffling them off to a secret hideaway, where Bug Tummy can’t rip out their Glowing Eyes, and insert them into his abdomen as food for the creatures he has living in it enjoys a sushi dinner?

Scott Gets a Little Culture . . .

I really like Kira’s house.  It’s uber modern, definitely Asian-inspired, has a real estate value of upwards of $2.5 million, and absolutely looks nothing like the cookie cutter, white bread, lower middle to upper middle class homes we’ve come to expect from the suburban neighborhood of Beacon Hills, CA . . .

. . .  which makes me wonder, just how much to teachers get paid to teach at Beacon Hills high.  Maybe they make a lot . . . simply because of the super high mortality rate.

Or perhaps, Kira’s mother is the big wage earner in this family.  After all, HE kept HER name.  And considering that she’s Japanese, and Kira’s dad is Korean, Kira’s kitsune traits are probably inherited from her mommy’s side of the family.

“I wear the foxy pants in this family.”

Hey, maybe she’s an “arms dealer,” like Allison’s dad!  He also seems way richer than a seemingly unemployed werewolf hunter should be  . . .

“It’s expensive to look like this much of a bad ass.”

Anywhoo, Scott tries to use chopsticks, accidentally inhales a mouth full of wasabi, and hilarity ensues, which basically has positively nothing to do with the ongoing plot . . .

“Here Scott, eat my fish.  You’ll like it!”

Elsewhere in Adorable Town . . .

Stiles and Lydia Figure it out . . . Again

Lydia and Stiles are lounging on Stiles bed, wrapping each other’s fingers in balls of red yarn (kinky?),  as they discuss the Stilinski Family Board of Shame . . .

. . .  and what Lydia believes to be her first failure in her short career as a Banshee.  Seeing Lydia experience self-doubt, and insecurity . . . seeing her doubt her powers, and feel guilty about getting Stiles in trouble at school, by convincing him to pull the fire alarm . . .

. . . shows just how far Lydia has gone as a character since Season 1. The Lydia we met back then  .  . . the proud, selfish, arrogant Lydia, who was concerned only with popularity and appearances, would never spend an evening geeking out in bed with Stiles, his yarn, and his detective theories.  She would never feel bad about getting someone else in trouble.   She would never question her own abilities and their consequences, or, for that matter admit to having those abilities and that intelligence at all . . .

I love watching Lydia and Stiles together, because (as clichéd as it is that they always come up with the answers seemingly out of the blue at the last minute),as characters, they definitely bring out the best in one another.  Stiles makes Lydia more humble, more caring, more willing to be her true self.  He helps her untie the red “unsolved” yarn from her fingertips, and makes her feel more “solved.”  More whole.

In turn, Lydia makes Stiles more confident, more mature, and more self- assured in his intelligence, and problem solving abilities . . .  she also reminds him how to read, and gently (without judgment) keeps him from going insane.

So, when Stiles tells Lydia he believes in her, despite her recent setback, I believe him . . . but kind of wonder where her parents are .   . . because, seriously, this girl never goes home.

Somehow, Lydia’s mere presence inspires Stiles to tramp back into school in the middle of the night, break into the chemistry lab . . . magically change into his “This is Only a Dream” Shirt for a split second . . .

http://colethewolf.tumblr.com/post/74036701586/colethewolf-i-dont-know-if-somebody-has

. . . and proceed to solve yet another “Freak of the Week” mystery, with his Lady Love Lydia by his side.

Yes, boys and girls, Engineer Bug Tummy, in addition to his bug cultivating skills and tendency toward invisibility, also apparently, is a master chemist, capable of masking his horrible scent, even to werewolves, as a result of his in-depth, knowledge of the periodic table that he just can’t help but share with the world, even if he is certain it will result in his inevitable capture / killing.

“Silly villain!”

Long story short, Stiles and Lydia find out that Bug Tummy wasn’t inside the school to capture werewolves at all . . . he was only interested in nerdy foxes with multiple tails and an impressive understanding of the concept of Bardo and eating with chopsticks  . .  . only interested in Kira . . .

Back at the Asian Inspired Dojo that is Kira’s Casa . . . .

Stiles and Kira eat pizza, and eye f*&k a bit.

“Should I be offended that you didn’t enjoy the taste of my fish?”

Then, Kira gets kidnapped, and Scott “You’re Going To Hear Me Roar Because I Am the True Alpha” McCall does nothing to stop it  . . . (though, in his defense, he’s sort of/ kind of unconscious at the time).

“If you won’t eat Kira’s fish, I will!”

With the help of Lydia’s big mouth (Ears be damned!) and Stiles’ encouragement . . .

The Scooby Gang finds Kira tied up in some electrical warehouse thingy, where Bug Tummy is seconds away from electrocuting her . . . just because.

P.S.  Bug Tummy is also going to take pictures of Kira while he electrocutes her, using her Nokia phone because. . .  you know . . . product placement.

Villains don’t like iPhones . . .

But Silly Bug Tummy  .  . . he messed with the wrong girl.  I mean, really, of all the girls you decide to electrocute you choose the one that has the kitsune-like ability to ABSORB ELECTRICITY!

“This is SOOO going to help me get laid . . .”

Not too smart, Bug Tummy.  Perhaps, you aren’t the Good Prospective Alpha I thought you would be . . .

And so you’ll die.  Goodbye, Bug Tummy!  May glowing eyed children angels carry you to your much-deserved rest  . . . IN HELL!!!!!!

Meanwhile, Allison and Isaac are in Allison’s house, busily studying the beastiary in hopes of locating something about  the now-obsolete villain of the week.  Isaac cleverly suggests he’s Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, i.e. The Devil . . . also the name of one of my favorite books from high school, coincidentally.

Then Isaac tries to kiss Allison.  And Allison, in order to show Isaac that she is Not That Kind of Girl, takes off her shirt for him . . . wait what?

“I am not the kind of girl who just makes out with her exes’ best friend /roommate /sort of adopted brother!  I have more class than that!  Get naked with him?  Sure.  F*&K him?  Absolutely.  But I will never ever kiss him!  Get that through your wolfy weiner, Isaac LAY-HEEEEE!”

Not amused . . .

Then Allison’s dad walks in, and wonders why his daughter insistently falls in love with canines, and kind find a nice human boy to hump in her bedroom, while her dad is downstairs, plotting the destruction of animal kind.

While Allison’s dad is hilariously scolding his daughter about her choice of suitors . . .

.  . . some weird samurai things are taunting Isaac in her bedroom?  Thus proving, once in for all, that having sex with Allison, or even thinking about having sex with Allison, is not without its consequences . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf, everybody goes to a rave?

Nikki Minaj makes out with Stiles?

And a bunch of other bad stuff happens to our Scooby Gang . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

The Importance of Being an Ugly Ass Baby Doll – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “More Bad Than Good.”

Greetings, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, Stiles learned how to read, Allison learned how to shoot, and Scott learned how to roar.  We also got to see a lot of people naked (Both girls and boys!), and learned a word in Spanish!

“La Loba”

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful hour of television.  Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, all of the screencaps you see here are courtesy of Andre the Awesomesauce! Thanks Andre!:)]

Because having ten fingers is totally overrated . . .

When we last left Peter and Derek, they were both mostly naked . . .

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And having millions of bolts of electricity shot through their body at painfully regular intervals .  . .

This week, Peter and Derek are exactly where we left them . . .

. . . except now they have company.  Hello, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman of a Super Villain from Every Comic Book and Tom Clancy Novel Movie Adaptation I Have Ever Seen.  Pleasure to make your acquaintance . . . again.

This incarnation of Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is kind of chatty.   He keeps babbling on about something called La Loba.  “Where is La Loba?”  He demands.  (My helpful friends at Google Translate tell me La Loba means “The She-Wolf.”  It’s also a song by Shakira.  But since the latter can easily be found on YouTube or ITunes, we assume Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is referring to the former.  This show is called Teen Wolf, after all.)

Derek and Peter, half of whom are really smart guys (cough, cough, Peter only, cough), are completely baffled by Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman’s inquiry, probably because, being naked, they lack easy access to their iPhones and Google Translate.  And, of course, Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman is much too glib to translate for them.

This is a shame, because I suspect, if they knew what Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman was seeking, they could be much more helpful.  I mean, who knows more She-Wolves than a pack of werewolves, right?  We’ve already met a few of them ourselves.  (Kali – dead, Laura – dead, Cora – playing Lady Mary on the show Reign MIA, Derek’s mother, supposedly dead, but probably not).

Unfortunately for the Hales, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman seems much more interested in administering “electro-shock” therapy, waving around chainsaws, and doing his best impersonation of Benicio del Toro’s character in Savages than extracting actual information from our heroes . . . at least, until his Mommy comes home.

Mommy Bad Guy may not be much to look at.  She’s wearing the ugliest wig I’ve ever seen, and appears to have taken her wardrobe cues from Tyler Perry’s Madea. 

But she’s a much more effective interrogator than her son.  “WHERE IS THE SHE-WOLF?” She asks immediately.

Finally, someone willing to translate!  But despite now having all the necessary information, Derek and Peter still won’t answer.  Well, now they are just being obstinate!

Peter offers alternative form of payment.  He’ll sing for his captors, which, is actually something I’d really like to hear .  . . Teen Wolf Karaoke, a great idea for a spinoff show, if ever there was one.  But Mommy Bad Guy doesn’t strike me as one very appreciative of the arts.  So, instead, she cuts one of Peter’s fingers off.  I think it was his middle finger.  Very fitting, under the circumstances . . .

I think it’s facing in the wrong direction.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills . . .

The Douchebag Cometh

After surprising one another in the woods, and making each other scream like little girls . . .

Apparently, the Big Bad Wolf is sometimes still afraid of Little Red Riding Hood . . .

 . . . Scott and Stiles come upon what they believe to be Werecoyote Malia’s lair.  It’s small.  It’s dark.  It’s dingy and poorly furnished.  It’s basically my old dorm room . . . minus a few shot glasses, broken Christmas lights, and cheaply framed movie posters.

The guys call Stiles’ dad for backup.  So, of course, Scott’s asshat dad has to show up too.   You know that guy who no one ever remembers inviting to their parties, but, somehow he always ends up showing up anyway to clog your toilet bowl, and eat up all your Tostitos and dip?  That’s 100% Scott’s dad.

What’s worse, Scott’s daddy dearest brings Malia’s highly unstable father along for the ride, for seemingly no other reason than just to be a prick.  Daddy McCall claims he’s helping Malia’s dad gain “closure.”

Naaah . . . being a prick seems like a much more logical explanation to me.

It’s Hard Out There for a Kitsune Girl Named Kira

At school, New Girl Kira is adorably awkward, and a big ole nerd, with the “couple of hours of research on Bardo” she “typed up” for Scott . . . just because.

This, coupled with the fact that her dad totally harshes on her game, by embarrassing her at every opportunity, and, pretty much treating her like she’s an eight-year old girl experiencing her first crush on a boy, I assume, is supposed to make us like her.

Translation : “Can you and I have sex soon?”

“My daughter is not the best communicator, Mr. McCall.  What she’s really saying is that she wants to bone you, ASAP.”

“I’m not 100% sure.  But I think Kira might be sexually attracted to me.”

Except .  . . remember the last love interest that was adorably awkward and a big ole nerd?

And we all know what happened to her . . .

Suffice it to say, I’m not going out to buy any Team Skira t-shirts, until I’m 100% certain this adorably awkward nerd and her dad aren’t this season’s Foxy Big Bads . . .

Fool me once, shame on you, Teen Wolf.  Fool my twice . . . well, you know the rest.

Kira’s dad loses even more Cool Points with me, by picking on newly illiterate Stiles, of all people, to read in front of the class.  Last week, Stiles was only illiterate about half the time, usually when he was dreaming.  Now, it appears he’s gone full-on Prime Candidate for Hooked on Phonics. I don’t know about you, but, to me, this is starting to look a whole lot less like a Nemeton-Induced Bardo problem and a whole lot more like a Brain Tumor Problem.

“Couldn’t I start with something a bit easier . .  . you know, like a Dr. Seuss book . . . or Twilight.”

And wouldn’t that be the ultimate twist?  To have a seemingly supernatural problem on the show explained by completely mundane, scientific, means?  Vision problems, mood swings, personality alterations, sudden illiteracy, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, distorted realities . . . these all just happen to be symptoms of a brain tumor . . . just saying . . .

Standing in front of the classroom, as the words on the page in front of him, literally fall to his feet, Stiles begins to understandably have a panic attack, and rushes from the room.  (Where’s Lydia to stick her tongue down your throat, when you need her?  Am I right?)

Scott rushes to the restroom to help his suffering bestie.  However, his method of curing Stiles (having the tearful and panting boy count his fingers) is not nearly as fast acting, or fun to watch, as Lydia’s solution.  Eventually, however, it works.

“See no extra digits. . . unless I pull down my pants.  Do you want me to pull down my pants?  Because I’d do that for you, Stiles?  That’s what friends are for.”

“Thanks for the generous offer. But I would strongly prefer your not pulling down your pants.”

Meanwhile, Kira offers to bring Scott and Stiles the bags they left in class during their hasty departures, because she’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer, when it comes to her plans to get into Scott’s wolfy pantalones.

“Yoo hoo,  I have your book bag.  Will you please have sex with me now?”

Ease up, Kira, honey.  You are on a show with an extremely limited female population.  Chances are, assuming you don’t die in the next episode or so you’re eventually going to be able to hit that, regardless.  So, maybe trying playing a bit hard to get . . . let the wolf come to YOU. Just saying.

As payback for her over-eager Flirtation Gambit, Kira gets attacked in school by one extremely territorial were coyote.

“I want my doll!”

“Come here and let me eat you, you baby doll stealing turd!”

(With all the teens that get murdered in Beacon Hills on a seemingly daily basis, you would think the school would finally wise up, and invest in a decent security system.  You know, something that would prevent wild, possibly rabid, animals from just popping in, and roaming the locker rooms for a good ten to twenty minutes, before anyone bothers to discover them.)

“Can I see your student ID?”

Were Malia stalks Nerdy Kitsune Kira all the way to the boy’s(?) locker room, even going as far as to jump through glass to get to her.  This would be a really good time to turn into the eight-tailed fox we all know you to secretly be, Kira!

But she doesn’t.  Instead our heroine(?) assumes the damsel in distress role, just like Darach Jenny did before her and waits patiently for Scott to come to her rescue, which of course, he does.  Pushing down an entire row of steel lockers with the same ease that you and I would knock down a row of dominoes, Scott scares off the pretty chick from The Secret Circle the were coyote, and offers future love interest Kira a protective hug.

“Fear not, possible villain!  I will save you from the Pretty Chick from The Secret Circle.”

That’s when the two teens notice what Malia was really after, a creepy baby doll that is peeking out of Scott’s now ripped gym bag.  Now, for most teen girls, carrying around ugly baby dolls in your gym bag would be a total deal breaker in a prospective mate.  But not, Kira.  She’s in loooooove.  You know what?  I take back what I said earlier?  Big Bad Were Fox or not, these two wackadoodles totally deserve one another.

“Hi, I’m Chuckie.  Wanna play?”

Hey, Look Who Didn’t Die?!

Confession time.  I’m a bit in love with Peter Hale.  How many guys do you know would be able to get their favorite finger chopped off one minute, and be able to calmly make jokes about it in the next?  I mean, the guy asks his captors for antibiotic ointment, and makes it sound like a pick-up line.  Now, that’s talent.

Up above our sexy naked wolves heads, it begins to rain bullets. Seconds later, Derek and Peter find themselves face-to-face with their leather-clad, gun happy, rescuer.

It’s Braeden!  Remember her?  She’s the one who awesomely rescued Isaac on a motorcycle in the Season Premier, and got her neck chopped into baked ziti for her trouble . . .

We all mistakenly thought Braeden was dead, but it appears that she was just home recovering from a really bad boo-boo.  By the way, does anybody really die on this show?  Plot twists like this make me question everything. I mean, maybe Kanaima Master Matt is still alive . . .

Or Kali . . .

Or that Creepy Chemistry Teacher . . .

Or Boyd . . . nah, Boyd is definitely dead.

Braeden explains that she was hired to rescue Derek by Deucalion, thus proving that the Recession impacts everyone . . . even supernatural, ass-kicking emissaries.  I mean, seriously, would YOU work for the guy who made a spaghetti and meat sauce dinner out of your neck?  Because I wouldn’t .  . .

Because saving Sassy Peter Hale wasn’t in the job description, Braeden contemplates leaving him behind.  Then, she remembers, that with Stiles in full-on angst mode this Season, Peter is our show’s sole remaining shot at comic relief.   And so, she goes above her pay grade in service to us, Werebangers.

Thanks Braeden!  If I could afford to pay you I would.  But since I can’t, I hope you will settle with my not permanently and horribly disfiguring you like your last boss did.  Deal?

Actually, that just gave me an idea!

Maybe Braeden can borrow Isaac’s ridiculously metrosexual scarf to cover up her hideous neck wounds!  Braeden would have more self-confidence. Stiles wouldn’t be able to make fun of Isaac anymore.  Everybody wins!

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You’re welcome, Teen Wolf.

Braedan wisely suggests to her wolf charges that they blow this popsicle stand, before the rest of the cast of Once Upon a Time in Mexico return to finish what they started.  But Derek says no.  The gang can’t leave without their Mysterious Magical Object of the Week.

*Sigh* Derek . . . you never learn.  Do you?

Speaking of people who can’t seem to leave well enough alone . . .

What’s shakin’, Baby Doll?

Back at school, Stiles is explaining to Scott how Malia was probably after the creepy doll in his bookbag, when WHAM, Malia’s dad magically appears and rips the ugly thing from Stiles’ and Scott’s fingertips like it’s The Ring That Rules Them All and He’s Smeagol.

What the hell?  Does this guy have a police scanner in installed in every room of his house?  He just seems to magically pop up anytime anybody mentions his daughter’s name.  It’s almost as if he’s psychically connected to the word.  Say it three times, and he appears . . . like Bloody Mary . . . or the Candyman . . . or Beetlejuice.

Malia’s dad is convinced this doll-loving coyote murdered his family.  And he wants it dead, which is why he’s casually roaming the halls of Beacon Hills High carrying a gun, like it’s no big thing.  Seriously, this school NEEDS A METAL DETECTOR, and maybe a petting zoo.  It’s becoming like Dangerous Minds up in here.

Scott and his Scooby Gang decide they need to save Malia and get her to turn back into her human form, before her dad inadvertently murders his own flesh and blood in the woods.  But how?  Their first idea is to incapacitate Malia, by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun, and pulling her out of harm’s way.  The problem, of course, is that former expert marksman, Allison, has officially become the worst shot ever.

Option 2, get Scott to ROAR Malia back into humanity, using his newfound nifty Alpha Powers that we so far have yet to see.  But that option is problematic too, for two reasons.  (1) Scott is having some serious performance anxiety when it comes to  . . . um . .  . erecting his inner Alpha; and (2) he’s terrified that once he goes Alpha, he’ll get all Manic Gorilla-ey like Peter, murder all his friends, and pretty much remain a monster for all eternity. ..

Quite a pickle . . .

But surely, there must be someone out there who can help Scott learn to Roar like baby Simba in The Lion King, or Katy Perry in that video, where she hangs out in the jungle?  But who?

“Hakuna Matata?”

The Bash Brothers

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what beating the crap out of Scott has to do with getting him to harness his Inner Alpha.  But it sure as heck is fun to watch . . .

*insert bad 90’s video game music here*

It would be nice to see Scott fight back a little bit though . . .

“Is this the part where I turn green and start smashing things?”

I mean, seriously, dude, you are supposed to be the King of the Jungle . . . the epitome of the Alpha Male.  For heaven sakes, grow a pair!

Meanwhile, the stakes are getting higher, as Malia’s dad busies himself booby-trapping the entire woods around Beacon Hills with coyote traps.  Dude needs a job . . . bad.  The good news is that I hear this church in New Orleans is looking for a new Priest . .  .

Nom-nom, tastes like Allison.

While gearing up to tranquilize Malia, and flirting with Isaac over vials of pee (Sexy!), Allison once again finds herself in a Dream World being tortured by Sweet Auntie Kate.  This time, Allison fantasizes that she’s a corpse with exposed entrails, and an oddly-still beating heart.  Kate is the lead surgeon  / person performing her autopsy?  Oh yeah, she’s also the leader of a pack of vampire-fanged cannibals, who start hungrily munching on her insides, like they are at the Sunday Breakfast Buffet at Dennys.

“Feeling kind of exposed here?  Can someone pass me a towel?”

*insert sloppy eating sounds*

When Allison wakes up, she’s pointing a tranquilizer gun at Isaac’s head.  That’s odd?  She didn’t have a gun in her dream . . .

“Is this foreplay?”

Follow that Doll!

Sheriff Stilinski arrives at Malia’s dad’s house to scold him for potentially chopping off all the pretty manicured toesies of the nice lady joggers in Beacon Hills with his Big Mean Coyote Traps.

“Busted.”

“I have what you would call a Home Shopping Network Problem.”

While there, the two notice a break in the doggie door of the Tate family home that was most certainly not caused by the family dog.

“I’m innocent!”

It’s Were-Malia.  She took that damn doll again!  Now, not only is the Scooby Gang on her tail, but deadly daddy is en route as well.  Start your engines, boys!  It’s time for a Chase Scene.

“Say hello to my little friend.”

Because Lydia and Stiles are clearly the Velma and Daphne of this Scooby Gang,  (I leave it to you to decide which is which.)  they, of course, are the ones who finally figure out Were Malia’s true motivations with regard to the Ugly Ass Doll.  Apparently, Ugly Ass Doll belongs to her dead baby sister.  And all the poor little Coyote is trying to do is bring it back to the site where she died, and pay her coyote-ish respects.  Is that too much to ask, dammit?

“See, I’m misunderstood.  I just want to be loved.”

The twist:  The real Big Bad of the episode is . . .  wait for it . . . ME!  MR.COYOTE TRAP!

Now, all the Scooby Gang has to do is help Malia get to the car wreck, before her father murders her canine ass.  Easy, right?  Maybe not . . .

Within seconds, Isaac and Lydia both have their toesies stuck in coyote traps.  Allison can’t shoot.  Stiles can’t read the instructions to dismantle the traps.   And Scott can’t roar.  This is one sorry ass Scooby Gang, if I ever saw one.

And another one down . . .

another one down . . .

another one bites the dust . . .

With just ten minutes left in the episode, Allison, Scott and Stiles must cure their psychological demons fast.  Allison, with some encouraging words from her “anchor” Isaac, starts talking to herself in French, and, just like that she’s CURED!  Hooray.

Nighty, night Papa Tate!  Have a nice nap!

“Back to being awesome.  Thank you very much.”

Unfortunately, Stiles still can’t read.  So, his anchor Lydia has to go with a Plan B.  “Words are so last season,” Lydia explains to Stiles.   “Geniuses like you and me, don’t need to read.  We just know stuff, because the plot makes it so.”

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And so, Stiles The Genius calmly dismantles the trap from Lydia’s toesies.   And small children everywhere learn that reading is for losers, and totally unnecessary for your survival, provided you have a pretty red head at your side to solve your mental problems for you.  Thanks, Teen Wolf!

As for Scott, well . . . you held him down, but he got up!  Already brushing off the dust.  You hear his voice, you hear that sound, like thunder going to shake the ground.   I’m tired of quoting this song.  But, long story short, you are going to hear him roar, dammit!

Mufasa would be proud, Young McCall . . . (Pumba and Timon too.)

Bamn!  Were Coyote Malia presto change-os back into the pretty chick from The Secret Circle. 

“Where’s the rest of my coven?  How did I get here?  Why am I naked?  Whose the guy with the fugly face?”

“Hey I didn’t make disparaging comments about you when you were in canine form!”

She returns to her dad, and everyone lives happily ever after . . . apart from about 7 or 8 years of intense psychological damage, and the fact that this is an 18-year old girl with the education level of a fourth grader. 

DAD: “I’m going to try really hard not to blame you for inadvertently bringing about the rest of our family’s death.”

MALIA: “Cool, I’ll try really hard not to blame you for very purposefully trying to murder me for the past nine years of my life.”

The good news is that now Stiles can have company in his Hooked on Phonics Class!  But wait . . . magically, at the end of the episode, Stiles can read signs on dashboard mirrors.  He’s cured!

Sorry Malia, looks like you have to remain a lone wolf, after all . .  .

And now for your weekly cliffhangers. . .

In their former captors’ casa, Derek and Peter find a box filed with  . . . wait for it .. .

Haha, I knew I’d get use out of that ridiculous gif again.  Anywhoo, inside the . . .

 . . . is a trinket with a mysterious symbol on it . ..

So, basically all that mountain ash was just really expensive bubble wrap . . . Sorry boys!

(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m sure that trinket will end up being Super Important.  I’m just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious.  Just call me, Sassy Peter.)

Elsewhere, someone pulled up a plant from the nemeton, causing fireflies to escape and turn into . . . Firefly People?

Got any bug spray?  Something tells me Beacon Hills is about to need A LOT of bug spray . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stiles-ception – A (Ridiculously Late) Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 3B Premiere “Anchors”

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“Is this real? Am I real?  Is this even a real door?  If I repeatedly bang my head on it, will I figure it out?  Ouch . . . ouch . . . ouch, maybe not.”

What’s up, my fellow Werebangers!  I missed you!

How was your New Years?  Did you dance?

Meet any new and interesting people?

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Die in a bath tub, and come back to life, only to realize you’ve somehow forgotten how to read?

(Don’t worry if this happens to be the case.  Most of this blog post will be pictures anyway . . . :))

Wherever you’ve been, whatever you’ve done, worry not!  Your Werebanger Family welcomes you back with open arms.

So, lets get on with this recap, shall we?

[As always, a big werewolfy round of applause for my good pal Andre, who in addition to being the Lean Mean Screencapping Machine who generously provided us with all the awesome pictures you see here, also happens to be a pretty kickass person, in general.]

Sleeping with Stiles . . .

Teen Wolf . . . it’s no longer just a show you watch to see hot guys take their shirts off, flex their muscles, and get all sweaty with one another . . .

(Though that, in and of itself, is a pretty good reason to watch the show.)

This is show is educational!  You learn stuff here!  For example, this week on Teen Wolf, I learned about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of “Bardo,”which from what I gather, is basically a cross between Purgatory, and whatever the f*&k happened on the last season of Lost  . . .

“So you mean to tell me all this time, we thought we were battling Baddies, Bionic Bears, and Black Smoke in a jungle, we were really just sitting around in this lame old church?”

Also, I learned from Stiles all the nifty tricks you can use to tell that your dreaming, while you are actually dreaming .  . . you know, for all those times you find yourself possibly-but-maybe-not asleep, and don’t have on hand Leonardo DiCaprio’s Magical Spinning Top from Inception . . .

We start the episode off in bed with Stiles, which is as good a place as any to start off a series, AM I RIGHT ladies (and men)?

We know immediately that Stiles is dreaming, by the way he’s sweating, rapidly blinking his eyes, moaning amorously, curling his toes under his blanket, and thrusting upward, while he grabs on to his sheets for dear life .  . .

Unfortunately for us fans, it ended up not being one of THOSE kind of dreams.  But we totally see where you were going with this, Jeff Davis, you naughty minx, you .  . .

At the start of the “Dream,” Stiles comes out of the closet . . . er . . . I mean the locker . . .

“I feel so liberated!”

Then, Stiles takes a long slow glance in the mirror to remind fans how buff he’s gotten during the hiatus .  . .

“Someone’s been sneaking Wheaties into my Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs . .  .”

Stiles hears a sound, so he goes to investigate.  This is what he finds . . .

“Don’t you just hate it when an Evil Tree crashes through your classroom, and then tries to eat you?”

I know I do!

Then, Stiles “wakes up” only to learn that he’s slept through his entire courtship with Lydia!  Apparently, they’ve gone from “heat of the moment” first kiss partners, to bed buddies, who sleep together on school nights and massage one other’s arms after nightmares, in the span of less than two episodes . . .

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“Is it Season 5, already?”

This is the moment I usually realize that I’m dreaming . .  . when things are simply too good to be true. . .

Stiles breaks the fourth wall at this point in the narrative, leading us to believe that he realizes he’s still dreaming as well . . .

“I can’t really be this much of a pimp, yet . . . CAN I?”

And while most hot blooded teens would take advantage of their Super Awesome Dream, by say .  . .  taking this unique opportunity to do away with a certain Pesky Virginity Problem .  . .

Stiles, being the tragic hero we know him to be, decides instead to go and CLOSE THE DOOR . .  .

This concept of THE DOOR, is one that presents itself throughout the episode.  Throughout the hour, we see Stiles and Allison, in their dreamlike states opening doors that they shouldn’t, doors that release evil spirits, funky trees, and b*tchy dead aunts into the ether.  We learned last season from Deaton, that “dying and returning to life in a bathtub” opened a seemingly figurative, but possibly literal, door in the characters’ minds, through which some pretty nasty Big Bads can pass through, if they aren’t careful.

Notice how adamant Dream Lydia was against Stiles closing the door to his room / mind.  This reminded me a bit of something Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Inception said about dream characters becoming violent toward anyone or anything that might disrupt the dream.  Perhaps, Dream Lydia didn’t want Stiles to close the door in his dream, because if he did, it would end his Bardo, thereby closing off the possibility of the evil demons connected to the Evil Tree / Nemeton breaking free into the Real World.

That would make Dream Lydia kind of evil.  So maybe it was a good thing Stiles didn’t have sex with her . . .

Then again, Stiles never actually closes the door.  Instead he WALKS THROUGH IT, thereby exposing himself, once again to the Nemeton, and the horrors of sleep paralysis . . . which, some might say, was a worse result than if he simply ignored the door and started humping his lady love. . .

“DAMMIT, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I COULD HAVE GOTTEN LAID!”

We then see Stiles wake up, go to school and tell Scott all about his theories about waking dreams, and how his, in particular, might be related to the Sacrifice to the Nemeton that the three of them made last season.  Scott grunts, stares at his friend dumbfounded, and has absolutely nothing whatsoever intelligent or helpful to say, as per usual.  Everyone in the class pretends the two boys don’t exist, despite the fact that they are both rather attractive, have great bodies, and are talking very loudly about very weird sh*t .  . .  also as per usual.  Everything seems normal enough.  But Stiles still feels like something is off . . .

And that’s when he wakes up again . . . for real this time . . . maybe . . .

In a sense, Stiles’ intense self awareness and extensive knowledge of dream states functions as both a blessing and a curse for him.  On one hand, Stiles is more likely than any other character on the show to instinctively realize he is dreaming.  Therefore, he would theoretically have the easiest time lucidly navigating his own dream world, and, when necessary, waking himself up.  On the other hand, Stiles’ innate ability to detect dreamlike things in everyday occurrences will undoubtedly cast a pall of strangeness on every aspect of his life, leaving him perpetually uncertain as to whether he is ALWAYS AWAKE or ALWAYS ASLEEP.

This has led some to speculate that Stiles may already be dead (either from the tub, or from the car accident he experienced later that same episode), and that the entire second half of the season is taking place in his (unconscious?) (comatose?) (purgatoried?) mind . . .

In short, the cold open to Season 3B was about twenty times more meta than anything we’ve seen on the show, thus far.  But I liked it.  Unlike most dream sequences in teen shows, which bash you on the head with their symbolism  (Common Example 1: A precocious student is afraid of bombing her SATs.  So, she has a dream that she bombs her SATs, and ends up a homeless bum.  Common Example 2: A woman fears her Bad Boy boyfriend lacks ambition.  So she has a dream that she marries him, and ends up living in a dirty trailer park with 10 kids, married to her Bad Boy boyfriend, who is now a fat, burping, unemployed mess.), Stiles dreams were subtle, confusing, and disjointed.  They didn’t insult viewers’ intelligence, by tying everything up in a nice pretty Bardo Bow.  And that made them seem more like . . . well . . . real dreams . . .

I still wanted to see Stiles get dream laid though . . .

My Shadow Self

As is usually the case on this show,  other characters experience Real Problems, while Scott experiences things that are mildly annoying, but also kind of fun / funny.

“My Shadow Self really needs a manicure.”

“If you think it, it will come . . .”

Allison has 100% turned into Haley Joe Osment’s character from The Sixth Sense . . .

Complete with cold gusts of air coming out of her mouth, every time she encounters the dead . . .

“Oooh, either it’s getting a little nippley in here . . . or I just stumbled into a commercial for breath mints.”

She’s also hallucinating entire trips to the hospital mortuary on her walks to school, and may or may not be suffering from multiple personality disorder  . . .

“Which one of us do you think looks better in this outfit, Me or me?”

To top that off, her hands are shaking constantly, as if she’s suffering from DTs, so she can’t shoot her bow and arrow for sh*t, and her pesky zombie dead aunt, not only can’t seem to leave her alone, but almost made her  kill her best friend, and TOTALLY cockblocked her Awesome Dream Sex with Isaac. . .

“Helllooooo?   Anybody in there?”

“Sup, girl?”

“Hey again.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were avoiding me, Allison?”

“Was it something I said?   Is it because I have zombie breath?”

“Woah, Allison, there are much easier ways to make sure you win prom queen than scalping the competition .  . .”

“Oh Isaac, I’ve wanted this for at least three episodes so long.”

“Hey girl!  Can I get in on this too?  Argent Family Threesome?”

“Worst . . . orgasm . . . EVER!”

So, I’d say that’s all pretty sucky.  Stiles, as we know, can’t tell whether he’s asleep or awake . . . like ALL THE TIME.  He may, in fact, already be dead . . .  As if that wasn’t bad enough, the sole income earner in his family either just got fired from his job by his best friend’s bio dad .  . .

. . . and /or became a serious hoarder.  And to top it off, in the past couple of days, Stiles has officially become a barely functioning illiterate who can’t count to ten . . . .

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So, in what horrible way has Scott been affected by the ritual sacrifice you ask?  Well, his shadow is being sort of a pain in the ass . . .

“My shadow has officially become more attractive than I am.  Now, I know how Peter Pan felt. . .”

“I am SO done competing with this douchebag.  Off he goes!”

And his best friend is crushing on his ex . . .

“Weeee . . .  I’m flying.  Hey Scott, is this what it feels like to have sex with Allison?“

Oh, and he’s also experiencing a massive case of dry eyes / anger management issues!

“Nothing to see here.  This is totally normal.  I treat my friend like he’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame all the time!”

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m horny . . . “

In  other words, it’s nothing a little Visine, and a pep talk from Mommy about how he’ll find love again, couldn’t cure . . .

“You don’t need a girlfriend to keep you from turning into a monster, Scott.  Remember what that nice man Anthony Bates said in Psycho, ‘A boy’s best friend is his mother . . .’ “

Perhaps, that wasn’t the best example.

So, to summarize, Stiles and Allison are going through Hell.  And Scott?  Well, he’s going through puberty . . .

That’s Sign Language for “You’re totally f*&ked.”

Have you ever had one of those dreams, where it’s the end of the semester, and you realize that you totally spaced and forgot to attend one of your classes.  And now,  suddenly, you have to go take a final for a class for which you’ve never even cracked open a book?

Well, imagine that the class was Sign Language 101.  And you arrive to find everyone repeatedly, and angrily motioning toward you in a way that might be the Macarena dance, for all the significance it has to you.

That’s what happens to poor Stiles in this episode.  Fortunately, our trusty old Coach Crackpot is there to wake our hero up from his nightmare.  The problem, of course, is that, while all this was happening, Stiles wasn’t actually sleeping.   He was . . . drawing . . .

But wait . . . check out the shape of Stiles’ incessant scribble of “Wake Ups.”  Does it look like anything to you?  Because it sure as heck looks like an “anchor” to me . . . as in .  . . THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE .  . .

Here’s a theory.  You know how all the werewolves require a mental “anchor” to keep themselves from wolfing out at inopportune moments.  What if to escape “Bardo,” our heroes also need an anchor to keep them “tied down” to the real living world, which is becoming increasingly hard for them to reach?

Kind of like the “anchors” who first guided our heroes into the Ritual Ice Bath Sacrifice in the first place?  (i.e. Lydia for Stiles, Isaac for Allison, Deaton for Scott, or according to Scott’s mother, Scott for Scott).

About that whole “Bardo” Concept . . .

So, it just occurred to me that I’ve been going about this  recap kind of backwards, in the sense that I’ve been consistently referring to this Bardo Concept, without explaining how this information was actually introduced to our characters . . .

It all started with Lydia, who was taking way too much joy in the fact that she was no longer the token wackadoo of the group . . . i.e. the one who screamed really loudly at really inappropriate times for no reason at all, occasionally drugged her friends with wolfsbane, and had a strange tendency to wander around in the forest naked in the middle of the night .. . (Well, actually, she’s still that person.  But now all her friends are acting just as nuts.)

She also really, really wanted to figure out what the heck was going on with all her friends.

(By the way, you would think that a BANSHEE would be a bit more attuned to the fact that her entire social circle is potentially half-dead.  But whatever . . .)

“Well, you all can’t be THAT dead, because I’m not screaming my head off.  Then, again, if all of this is just a dream in Stiles’ head then . . . at least his subconscious put me in a cute outfit.”

And while Lydia was busy being totally stumped by the situation, someone else had already figured things out.  Meet Kira . . .

She’s the new girl in school.  This is her dad . . . who is a history teacher, and who is inexplicably teaching Kira’s history class, despite the fact that the school is pretty large and likely has at least two other history teachers on the faculty who weren’t murdered by evil Druids . . .

“I really don’t want to be a history teacher.  History teachers never survive supernatural teen shows.  Can’t I teach gym, or woodworking?  How about making me a nice lunch lady?  No one ever kills the lunch lady.  I’d even be willing to wear a hairnet.”

Some have speculated that Kira (or her dad) might be the foxy kitsune who gets into our Scooby Gang’s heads this half of the season, and functions as its trickstery, mental manipulating big bad.  But, for now, all we know about her is that she knows all about Tibetan Buddhism and Bardo, totally believes Scott and Co. are hallucinating and stuff because they are about to croak.  Oh, and Scott thinks she’s a total hottie.  Anywhoo, I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of this chick . . .

Speaking of Characters Whose Sole Purpose Seems to Be to Explain Complicated Tidbits of Mythology to the Audience. . .

He pops up just in time to tell the kiddies what we all pretty much figured out from the promos.  Basically, that whole ritual sacrifice thingy, which actually had nothing at all to do with the finale or how Darach Jenny was ultimately defeated has made them Stiles, Scott and Allison, nutzo.  And so they all need to  . . . wait for it . . . close the doors in their brains to keep them from going straight to hell and letting all the evil demons escape into the world, just like they keep threatening to do but never actually do on The Vampire Diaries  . . .

Don’t worry Isaac.  At least you were more helpful than Deaton, this week!

In Seemingly Unrelated News . . .

This guy . . .

 . . . is a total douche, who is trying to take Stiles’ dad’s Sheriff job away, seemingly just because that’s the kind of thing douches do.

Stiles’ dad, of course, wants to keep his job, and randomly decides that solving a REALLY, REALLY cold case involving a missing little girl who IF she was still alive she’s totally still alive would be Stiles’ age now, is precisely the way to do it . . .

Meet, not really dead Malia Tate . . .

Her mother and sister(?) were killed in what may or may not have been a wolf mauling, but her body was never found. Malia Tate looks a bit like a younger version of this lady, Shelly Hennig, who has signed on to be a “Super Secret Important Character on this Show.”

They even have the same side part in their hair!

For reasons that don’t quite make sense to me, Stiles’ dad decides to visit Malia’s slightly strange, and very pissed off, still grieving father, who has a strange obsession with, and seeming hatred, for coyotes  . . .

“Coyotes are evil.  My missing daughter and/or I might be a were-coyote.“

  . . . so that Scott can quite literally sniff around Malia’s room, and see if he can pick up her scent, despite her not having lived in the house for about ten years . . .

She must have been a really smelly girl?

Scott can’t seem to latch on to Malia’s body odor.  But he and Stiles do have a fun little encounter with another smelly creature .. .

“Please let me join your pack.  I’m already house trained.”

“I’m also a very good finder.”

Stiles and Scott narrowly escape the Tate home without being discovered by Creepy Papa Tate.  Later that night, the two of them head off into the night in search of Malia’s dead body.  (Riiiiiight, because this strategy of searching for dead things in the forest has served them both so well in the past . . .)

And while they don’t locate Malia’s corpse, the best friends do come upon one of her baby dolls, which, just so happens to have the best working batteries of any toy I’ve ever seen  . . .

What toy works that well after 10 years?  Even the Chuckie doll  from the Child’s Play series has started to show signs of slowing down, and he’s possessed by an honest-to-goodness serial killer . . .

Later that night, Scott stumbles upon a coyote or wolf (I’m not really good at differentiating between K-9’s) and is inexplicably convinced it’s Malia . . .

It’s important to note that the creature .. .  whatever it is . . .  has blue eyes, which means it has killed innocents (possibly its own family members . . . possibly by accident, during a Full Moon turn).  So, who is it . . . Malia Tate?   Her father?  The Mysterious Kira?  It’s probably too soon to know for sure.

Oh, and for those of you who have been wondering where Derek and Sassy Peter have been all episode . . . the answer will shock you . . .

Poor Derek!  He can’t even make it through one episode without having his manhood burned and denigrated in some way.  But hey, at least he still looks good shirtless . . .

Some thing never change . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .

And if that didn’t whet your appetite, perhaps this will . . .

http://www.mtv.com/shows/teen_wolf/ep-14-sneak-peek/991310/video/#id=1719787

Until next time, Werebangers!  Sweet dreams . . .

Family Values – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Alpha Pact”

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Every single one of us has two families.  We have the family into which we were born . . . our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles . . . with whom we share a genetic code and a legacy.

And we have the family we choose . . . our friends and lovers . . . with whom we share common interests, a history, and bonds of loyalty.

To each of these families we owe certain obligations.  To the former — who have given us the gift of life, and enabled our existence — we owe a duty to fight for our survival at all costs, so that we can carry on the family name, and secure its place in history, no matter how small or insignificant that place might seem to outsiders.

To the latter, we owe our devotion and support.  We vow to stand by them in times of strife.  Carry them when they are weak.  Bolster them, when they are strong.  And we hope they do the same for us.

“The Alpha Pact” saw each of the members of our stalwart Scooby Gang struggling to simultaneously fulfill their obligations to each of their respective families, even though those obligations seemed to be in conflict with one another.

This week’s “family-friendly” installment of Teen Wolf is brought to you by the letter “S” for “suicide” (sort-of) . . .

“sacrifice”

“sucking face”