“Die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”
Such were the wise words of Harvey Dent. You might remember him from the Batman film, The Dark Knight Rises, as That Guy Who (Spoiler Alert) Definitely Didn’t Die a Hero.
OK, so not every person who doesn’t die young is destined to become a deformed super villain with multiple personality disorder. But I think it is safe to say that, at least for most of us, the longer we live, the more inevitable stains and tears we are going to rack up on our White Knight and Shining Armor pant suits.
At least from Season 2, onward, Scott McCall has always been more of a Superman-brand of hero, than a Batman-type one, reserving the very human pitfalls of heroism for the rest of his pack mates (broodiness and hunger for power for Derek, vanity for Lydia, a thirst for revenge for Allison, introspection and crippling self-doubt for Stiles) so that he could focus more fully on the “special snowflake” aspects of his job.
And while special snowflake heroes tend to be the ones you’d choose first to rescue you from a burning building or sadistic serial killer, they also tend to be the last ones you choose to do anything else with you, because they are just so friggin uptight, judgmental, and downright BORING!
Up until this season, Scott had a fix for that problem too. He never had to be charming, or even particularly likeable, because he came as a package deal with this awesome group of pals who were charming and likeable for him!
Then those awful, unsanitary, poorly dressed, mumbling low-rent Darth Vader Dredd Doctors and their little minion Theo came along, and stole Scott’s special snowflake-ness from him. They gently pushed him to alienate his charming friends. Until, eventually, all that was left was a self-righteous kid with asthma, who was kind of a dick.
The kind of guy who wouldn’t lift a finger to save his surrogate little brother’s dying girlfriend, because it didn’t conform with his “moral code” . . .
The kind of guy who lets his own girlfriend sacrifice herself to an uncertain fate, just because the fox costume she always wears inadvertently took some steroids . . .
The kind of guy who would believe the words of a douchebag he used to hang out with on swing sets eight years ago, over those of his best friend for life, Stiles.
And really, anyone who hurts Stiles is a villain in my book . . . plain and simple
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre for fearlessly screencapping so many gross pictures of silver nose snot. He’s got a stomach of steel, that one!]
Adventures in Monologuing
Scott’s even starting to monologue like a super villain! But instead of talking about cool stuff, like world domination and mass murder, he’s talking about lame stuff, like his feelings, how his friends don’t smile at him in the hallways anymore, and his asthma. In fact, the entire opening sequence reminds me of one of those commercials for antidepressants starring Scott and his pals in the role of The Sad Egg . . .
“All of your whining is seriously harshing my buzz. I’m going to go hang out with my evil friends, the Dredd Dorks. At least they know how to party,” mutters Theo.
“What did you say?” Scott asks with raised eyebrows.
“Um . . . I said, everything is fine, Cuz! I’m going to go eat some moo shoo pork. I don’t want to be tardy,” covers Theo, as he exits stage left, laughing maniacally.
“Theo is such a standup guy,” Scott muses, as he watches from the window, while his new pal stabs three elderly ladies, kicks two puppies, and blows up a playground full of happy school children. “Inviting him to join our pack was my best decision ever.”
“Pee on me. Sit on me”
Theo heads on over to the Dredd Doctors lab, where the guys are clearly busy taking hits of their own “experimental” drug product.
No wonder we can never understand a word these guys are saying. They must be stoned out of their minds all the time!
“Hey fellow Bad Guys,” begins Theo conversationally. “Listen, I know you wanted to off Hayden so the Naked Garbage Man can add her to his ever growing Burning-Tree Stump Collection? But Jeff Davis told me to tell you that you can’t murder her yet, since she’s going to be a series regular next season. Because Young Love and stuff. Also because all the other ships on this show are pretty much dead in the water.”
“Perigee-Syzegy” says one of the Dredd Doctors, as he takes another hit of what looks like heroine mixed with really dirty bong water.
“Pee on me? Sit on me?” Theo asks, clearly confused, as we all are.
“Perigee-Syzegy,” repeats the Dredd Doctor, more firmly, this time.
“Did you just say pot of bees, sick of fleas?” Theo posits.
“PERIGEE-SYZEGY!” The Dredd Doctor says a third time. (Now he’s really getting pissed.)
“What about a Pedigree Symphony?” Theo inquires.
“You are going to die tonight, you hunk of dumb evil junk!” The Dredd Doctor growls.
“Ohhhhh Perigee-Syzegy! The Supermoon! You need it to complete your weird science experiment or whatever. Why didn’t you say that in the first place? Honestly, you stoners could be such intellectual snobs sometimes,” Theo replies with a knowing wink at the audience.
Meanwhile over at the love shack, otherwise known as “Behind the School Bus in Beacon Hills High” . .. .
Love Means Never Having to Say “You have silver boogers in your nose.”
Awww, Liam and Hayden! So cute! With their confessions of love, and their tongue kisses, and their patent inability to use tissues when they clearly need them . . .
Apparently, not only are the Dredd Doctors raging drug addicts, they are giving all the teen wuzzles at school massive cocaine problems. “Please don’t tell anybody about my gross snot thing,” Hayden pleads to her new boo. “It’s really embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as that time during sixth grade when I had to take my school picture with a broken nose because you punched . . . too soon?”
“Let’s run away together! I’ll protect you from the Dredd Doctors. I’ll pack a bag with lots of energy bars for us to eat, and lots of tissues for me to clean the snot off your nose,” Liam decides impulsively.
“But I’ve only known you for about four episodes, and most of that time we’ve spent either unconscious or punching one another in the face,” Hayden posits. “How do we know our sudden passion for one another isn’t borne from the adrenaline rush of our recent brush with death, and won’t fade the minute, some other pretty wuzzle with a nose bleed casts a fist in the general direction of your nasal cavity?”
“Screw it, let’s do it,” exclaims Hayden excitedly, shooting an adorable snot rocket in Liam’s direction to seal the deal. (Everything Hayden does is adorable, obviously.)
“Oh hey, Scott!” Liam exclaims super awkwardly, a bit later, as he hauls a duffel bag filled with a lifetime supply of snot tissues and wuzzle food onto the bench in front of him. “Please ignore this massive piece of evidence sitting right in front of you that I am about to put myself in harms way.”
“Nice getaway duffel bag you got there. I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to go suck on my inhaler and monologue some more. Be careful of the upcoming Supermoon and your IBS,” Scott notes.
“I don’t have irritable bowel syndrome!” Liam protests.
“Oops. I mean IED. I always mess those two up. Anyway. Gotta jet,” offers Scott, as he skips off stage left.
“Seriously? You didn’t even notice how shady I’m acting? My loud and plaintive cries for help weren’t loud enough for you? You are the worst dad ever, Scott! And you think I have IBS? What a jerk! I’m going to go take my girlfriend to the creepy gay club and get us both killed now. Thanks for your support!” Liam huffs.
Meanwhile, elsewhere on campus, Stiles IS DEAD!!!
Just kidding. This show would so be cancelled, if that were even remotely true. That’s just Stiles’ guilt talking. And Stiles’ Guilt has a big mouth, and a real knack for hyperbole.
Enough of this guilt talk. Let’s go to the gym, and get ripped with new wuzzle Corey!
I Wanna Get Physical!
Because Teen Wolf is nothing, if not an educational program, I proudly present to you, “Workout tips from Soon-to-be-Dead Wuzzles.”
- When lifting weights, always make sure to have a spotter, who weighs more than eighty pounds soaking wet..
- Be sure to stretch before you get started, to avoid muscle strain.
- Eat a light meal about 20 to 30 minutes before your workout to maximize your energy levels. Emphasis on light. Eating too much right before a workout, could result in some serious embarrassment, not to mention a ruined muscle-tee. And muscle tees aren’t cheap!
While Corey gets shipped off to the hospital with the 98% fatality rate, to blend into some walls, hurt some folks, and suffer an unceremonious demise at the hand of one of the Dredd Doctors . . .
. . . another one is at the school killing this chick, who doesn’t seem to have any cool powers, apart from being really efficient at biting her nails. Lame! Failure indeed.
Say what you will about the Dredd Doctors, but they really are the best when it comes to Team Work with a capital T!
Malia is just so done with this Dredd Doctor sh*t. Dead wuzzles? A “pack leader” who can’t fight, and monologues too much? Shitty teachers that don’t appreciate her awesome color contacts? Living in a cave in the woods and eating her own poop is starting to seem like a really good idea right now. #Nostalgia.
Lydia and Stiles reunite . . . for about two seconds
Remember a few seasons back, when Lydia and Stiles used to sleuth together all the time, doing all the heavy intellectual lifting for their big hearted, but little brained pals, each week, tossing off a few witty one-liners and the occasional eye-f*ck as they worked side by side?
I miss that about this show. And we got some of it this week, while Lydia and Stiles wandered through the woods in search of the lost Nemeton . . . you know, because Big Ass Trees roughly the size of an entire town with mountains of dead bodies adorning them are SUPER hard to find.
“You know, it’s been fun sleuthing with you again. But I should really get Naked Garbage Man Parrish to help out with this instead because Sex,” Lydia insists. “Besides, it’s always better when the secretly evil characters on this show learn that they are evil.”
“Yeah, because when I found out I was secretly evil, I locked myself up I an insane asylum, had sex with Malia, killed a bunch of folks, and almost murdered Scott,” Stiles notes.
“Exactly, I knew you’d understand,” replies Lydia, patting Stiles on the head like he’s a dog.
“So, really this is only about sex and nothing else,” Stiles says.
“Pretty much, yeah,” Lydia admits.
“You know what would be fun, if we beat the sh*t out of each other in this forest,” Lydia says to Naked Garbage Man Parrish later that day.
“Why do all the couples on this show have to beat each other up this season? I feel like it sends a bad message to today’s youth that they should equate assault with foreplay,” Parrish posits.
“Stop acting like you have a brain, and look pretty,” Lydia insists. “Also punch me in the face.”
“OK,” Parrish responds, before giving Lydia a black eye. “Hey check it out! Isn’t that the tree where I carry all the dead wuzzle bodies?” Parrish notes.
“And to think, it’s been right behind us this whole time, and all it took was a little physical abuse for us to find it,” Lydia responds excitedly.
Later, Parrish locks himself up in a jail cell that might as well be made of paper clips, for all it will do to keep the Naked Garbage Man from stealing more dead bodies.
“Amateur Hour,” mutters Stiles under his breath, while shaking his head.
If Theo Can’t Have Stiles, NO ONE CAN!
You know everyone believes that Theo is all obsessed with Scott, and wants to alienate him from all his friends, so he could like, become him, or something? But personally, I think Theo is all about Stiles. This is simply a case of a boy, standing in front of another boy, with a bunch of decapitated puppy heads in his fist, asking him to love him.
Step one in Theo’s master plan to win Stiles’ heart, is to break him up from his first love, Scott. “Hey Scott,” Theo begins casually, as the pair go for a nice leisurely drive around town, because Theo loves nothing more than riding in cars with boys. “I think it’s really cool how supportive you’ve been of Stiles, even though he beat that wuzzle with a wrench, killed him, and tried to cover it up. You’re a good friend!”
“WHAT? STILES IS A MURDERER . . . ON PURPOSE, THIS TIME?” Scott exclaims.
“Oops, was I not supposed to tell you that?” Theo says with a wink at the camera, as he sticks his arm out the car window, and strangles a nun.
Step two in Theo’s seduction of Stiles plan, is to get in good with his dad, by telling him that HE killed Donovan to save the Sheriff’s and Stiles’ life, this has the dual effect of exonerating Stiles for the murder HE committed, and making Theo look like a hero in front of his hopefully future father in law.
All of this ultimately results in Scott dumping Stiles, in the pouring rain, no less! “You believe Theo over me, your best friend, about the whole murder of Donovan thing?” Stiles asks incredulously. “The guy wears a heart shaped locket around his neck with Adolf Hitler’s picture on one side and Darth Vader’s on the other. He’s so obviously a bad dude! What the heck is wrong with you this season that you can’t see that?”
“Whatever, I don’t like you anymore, because The Plot makes it so. Off to make some more ridiculously poor life choices. See ya,” Scott calls out over his shoulder.
In Which Scott Makes More Ridiculously Poor Life Choices . . .
Hiding out at the gay club, where the Dredd Doctors are VIPs, who seem to show up there at least once an episode, seems like a great idea to lovebirds Liam and Hayden. The pair barely have enough time to steal some cash from the safe, and do a few shots of tequila off one another’s oh-so-perfect abdominals, when guess who shows up to spoil their fun.
Surprise! It’s the Dredd Doctors.
Fortunately, Scott and Theo are there to suck royally at life, and not help at all!
Then, the Dredd Doctors give Hayden another heroine injection and she dies.
Just kidding! She’s fine! Heroine is not dangerous at all, kids!
Later, in the car on the way home, Hayden conveniently decides that she’s dying again. So, Theo suggests that Scott turn her into a full-on werewolf to prevent this from happening. “Awww, can you do it, Daddy Werewolf? Can you, pretty pretty please with a cherry on top? I’ll be your best friend,” pleads Liam.
“No! You’re grounded. Go to your room, Liam. And don’t even think about using your cell phone, playing video games, or watching the love of your life suffer a slow cruel and senseless death,” Scott scolds.
“I hate you, Dad! I wish you were dead!” Liam cries in anguish.
Meanwhile, somewhere off stage, Theo is kissing the photograph of Stiles he keeps in his boxer shorts, and dancing the Macarena in triumph . . . “Soon, my lover boy! Soon you will be mine,” he whispers to the photograph.
See you next time, Werebangers!