Tag Archives: suicide

Worst Vacation EVERRR! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Motel California”

this place is great

“Y’all come back now, ya hear?”

The Glen Capri Motel:  Come join us at this 1.5 star, home away from home!  Our accommodations are so spectacular, the guests would literally rather kill themselves than leave!  (198 suicides and counting!)  Amenities include nicotine-scented towels (Mmmmm!) . . .

emphysema

cable TV . . .

turning on channel

static on tv

a buffet-style continental breakfast . . .

oregon-vending-machinebusiness

hungry boyd

and, for those workout buffs, a gym, right in your bedroom!

lifting

So, give us a call today!  Our friendly staff will be more than happy to arrange your death . . .er . . . I mean, your stay!

This week on Teen Wolf, our friendly neighborhood Darach got a bit lazy.

sleep talker

kind of dead

It was bound to happen sometime.  I mean, the guy was clearly over-exerting himself  . . . killing three victims a week, THREE TIMES A PIECE (when one would suffice).

dead bullet guy

dead life guard

dead heather

But this week, the Darach decided to rest on his laurels, and let the werewolves KILL THEMSELVES!  You know, because, if this series has taught us anything about werewolves its that they ALWAYS succeed at everything they try to do . . .

no idea what im doing

The plan failed . . . MISERABLY.  (Werewolves: 4, Darach: 0)  Imagine, an entire hour dedicated to suicide, and not a SINGLE DEATH.

seriously so messed up honour in revenge

Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies.  If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself . . .

dark allison 2 erisaac

Pack your bags, Werebangers!  Because it’s time to check-in to “Motel California” . . .

motel for wolves

[As always, special thanks to Andre .  .  . the greatest screencapper in all the land . . .]

That 70’s Show

1977 is the year

Whenever television shows do 70’s flashbacks, I’m always struck by the bizarre nature of sideburns.

sideburns

They make everybody look like werewolves, which, I guess, in this case, is kind of fitting . . .

gnarly scar

full moon

Nice knowing ya, Random Argent Relative . .  .

killing me softly

“I’ll miss you Burt Reynolds’ mustache!”

alexander argent

The Usual Suspects

Meanwhile, over on the Beacon Hills Cross Country Team Bus . . . actually, I shouldn’t say, “meanwhile,” because it’s 36 years later .  . .which reminds me, why 36 years?  It seems kind of random, no?

nodding oh yeah

At first, I thought, perhaps, Jeff Davis had ole “Uncle” Argent croak on his birthday.  But according to Wikipedia, Jeff Davis was actually born in in 1975, not 77 . . .

big gift

I guess we’ll never know . . .

Anywhoo, Scooby Gang ends up being forced to spend the night at the same hotel where Sideburn Guy ate the business end of his revolver.  Needless to say, Lydia is not pleased . . .

no me gusta

i see dead people

While in bed with Scott . . .

attractie to gay guys

 . . . sorry, I mean, in the bed “next” to Scott, Stiles helpfully reviews with us his chief suspects in the “Druid Sacrifice” killings.

thinking about suspects

“Previously on Teen Wolf . . .”

They are . . .

mr harris

Mr. Harris, because he’s ALWAYS a suspect

derek dream 1

Derek, because “Sterek” hasn’t exactly been going as planned, this season . . .

cora hale

Cora, because she’s related to Derek (see earlier comment about “Sterek failure”) . . .

cryptic vet

Mr. Deaton, because Stiles is creeped out by that whole “Obi Won” thing he has going on . . .

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

 . . . and Lydia, who is basically the female version of the kid from The Sixth Sense . . . except the kid from The Sixth Sense, doesn’t suffer from blackouts, and never poisoned all his friends with wolfsbane.  (Then again, that’s probably because the kid from The Sixth Sense didn’t have any friends except Bruce Willis, who, spoiler alert, was already dead.)

lydia and punch

lyd screams

Stiles also posits that it’s entirely possible that the killer is someone completely random like the English Teacher good ole Kanaima Master Creepy Matt, from last season, who Stiles (AND I!) suspected as being bad news, from the get go . . .

drowning matt

too soon haha - Copy

Honestly, though, I was surprised that Stiles didn’t through Peter in the mix, as a possible suspect.  After all, he’s been a Big Bad before.  Not to mention he seems way smarter than both Derek and Cora . . . just sayin . . .

ep 6 alpha

smirky peter

After all, didn’t Lydia note last week that these sacrifices seemed designed to build the killer’s strength for impending battle?  And we all know Peter has hasn’t quite been back in fighting form, ever since his awakening from the dead . . .

scared peter - Copy

Personally, I’d be bummed if Sassy Uncle Peter ended up being the Bad Guy again.  I’m just putting it out there . . .

In other Villain News . . .

Get in MY BELLY!

get in my belly!

BOW CHICKA WOW, WOW!  Ethan and Danny are putting this creepy hotel to good use . . . a use that involves nipple licking . . .

cuddles dan eth

hump

nipple

“Nom, nom, nom, nom . . .munch”

Talk about making the best of a bad situation . . .

getting laid dan

the scar

Mid-foreplay, Ethan and Danny discuss the latter’s scars, which Danny has had since he’s a child.  Ethan basically offers to heal them for Danny . . . but he does so in a casual enough way, so as not to make Danny think, “My boyfriend’s totally a werewolf, who occasionally gets fisted by his brother, and merges into this big ugly Shrek-looking thing . . .”

offended shrek

Danny, however, likes his scars.  They make him feel like a survivor.

another shot of danny

“Where’s the scar?”

Ethan replies that he hopes Danny will be a survivor . . . a statement I’m sure Danny found sweet, but sounded kind of threatening to me, under the circumstances . . .

Don’t you hate when you are just about to hook up with a guy you really like, and indigestion appears?

indigestion

“Sh*t, not again.”

let me out

“Can’t a guy get a meal in here, every once in a while?  Danny’s weiner only has so much protein in it.”

I don’t know about you, but when I find a bald guy growling in my stomach, I reach for the Pepto Bismol.  Chainsaws are just too messy . . .

constipated

pepto

Then again, it’s possible that Ethan just has a distaste for pink drinks . . .

cutting it out

“This is how Real Men deal with getting the runs . . .”

Fortunately, Stiles and Lydia arrive just in time to stop Ethan from giving himself an emergency tummy tuck.  Unfortunately, the mood has definitely been killed.  No sex in the dingy motel room for Danny and Ethan . . . at least not tonight.

wrestle

im not ready to be a dad

“Was it something I said?”

Dark!Scott Returns

So remember how last week, I made this comment about how I sort of missed Edgy Scott, from Season 1 . . . the-not-yet-in-control-of-his-wolfiness guy, who tried to pork Lydia, even though Stiles was clearly in love with her?

bad scott

Yeah, he was kind of a douche.  But dude was fun to watch!

Anywhoo, the writers of Teen Wolf must read this blog have heard my prayers, because guess who made a surprise return to TV, this week?

mcrapey 2

hide your kids

It’s Scott McRapey!

Walking in on Allison in the shower?  Grasping for her, even though she asked him to leave?  Telling her that sex “as friends” would solve all their relationship problems?  Then, magically “snapping out of it,” and claiming he “forgot what just happened?”

mcrapey

fonde fondle

janet leigh pyscho scream

psycho_norman_bates

Scott just became the male star of every Lifetime movie I’ve ever seen . . .  It was awesome!

In other news, the Red Eyes were back.  Alpha, shmalpha!  Get this boy some Visine, STAT!

visine

visine

Come Play with Us!

It was a busy week for Team Human, this week, who pretty much had to do all the heavy lifting this week, while our supernatural friends were . . . you know . . .  out of their minds and trying to find increasingly creative ways to off themselves . . .

all the articles

Downstairs in the lobby, trying to complain to an old lady with emphysema, because the towels in her supposedly smoke-free room smell like ASH, Lydia stumbles upon some unpleasant history about the motel where Coach Crackpot has willingly forced his students to spend the night.  As it turns out, the Glen Capri hotel holds the record as the “Motel that hosts the most Suicides.”

198

It’s an admittedly dubious distinction.  But Emphysema Lady is proud, nonetheless.  I mean, people could choose to end their lives ANYWHERE.  But the fact that 198 depressives chose the Glen Capri motel, of all places, as the last place on Earth they will ever see while among the living, must be kind of touching to the motel owners . . . in a totally creepy way.

more hanging

newspaper articles

“Prayer circle?”

In fact. Emphysema Lady is so “touched” by the deaths, she’s decided to convert each room into an unofficial suicide museum, helpfully hiding newspaper articles about each of the suicides in the King James Bibles of the room in which they occurred!

Having 198 corpses on your premises, also makes you about 10 times more likely to be haunted than your average Best Western or Motel 6 . . .

In fact, it kind of reminds me a bit of that Other Hotel . . .

shining girls

the-shining-british-movie-poster1

This might explain why Lydia keeps “overhearing” suicides, in presumably empty motel rooms.  You know, like those two kids who shot one another in the head simultaneously, Romeo and Juliet style.

Speaking of Lydia, this isn’t exactly her day.  As if it wasn’t bad enough having 198 people wanting to play with you, Stiles informs her that she might very well be the evil Druid killer. It makes sense, a bit, considering how wacky all the resident werewolves are acting.  The last time we saw these guys act like that, was the type Lydia, possessed by Peter, poisoned them all with wolfsbane at a party.

thanks buddy

“I think I liked you better when you worshipped the ground I walked on, and didn’t accuse me of being a serial killer, each week . . .”

Coincidence?

Downstairs in the lobby, the sign touting the hotels 198 deaths, seems to have magically increased to 201 . . . a number we keep seeing pop up throughout the episode.

201-198 = 3

2 15 forever

The question is, which lucky trio will get to check into Suicide Motel . . . FOREVER?

Insert “Yo Mama” Joke Here

“Ring, ring!  Hey, Scott!  It’s your mom calling.”

seeing mom get butchered

“Just wanted to let you know I’m about to get my throat slit by your nemesis, while you watch.”

slash

“Also, I hope you brought a sweater to your track meet.  I hear it’s a bit nippy outside.”

ep 10 yay mom

“Just kidding.  I’m not really dying.  I’m just a metaphorical representation of your fear that your Wolf Life will ultimately cause the inevitable demise of everyone you love.”

trademark scott face

“But I meant what I said about the sweater . . .”

Ice, Ice, Baby .  . .

You ever see that commercial, where the football player is really hungry, so he temporarily turns into Betty White?

bettywhitesnicker

Well, Boyd’s definitely hungry.  But I’m not quite sure Betty White would be able to do this?

hungry boyd

boyd kicking ass

punched glass

“Care for a Kit Kat?”

(Fun fact.  At the vending machine, Boyd selected candy number 201 . . . you know as in 201 DEATHS in the motel?  Could he be one of the lucky three?)

Later, while getting some ice, Boyd finds a prize inside the icebox . . .

want ice

kid in ice

“Peekaboo!”

Later in his hotel room, Boyd can’t seem to stop hearing the taped transcript of his police interrogation, following his little sister’s abduction at an ice rink, after which she was apparently murdered.

sad boyd

listen to it

In all seriousness, this actually explains a lot about the heretofore enigmatic Boyd . . . a loner, who relives his sibling’s abduction each day, by working at, of all places, an ice rink, and driving a Zamboni.  Not only does this appear to be Boyd’s way of punishing himself for losing track of his sister on that fateful day, it’s also a way for him to make sure that no other little kids at the ice rink suffer the same fate his sister did.

Feeling sorry for himself, Boyd decides to take a bath . . . with a safe?

splat

“Plop.”

just chilin

“Glug, glug, gurgle, fizzzzzzzzzzz”

Fortunately, Lydia’s ability to converse with dead people,  apparently extends to the future dead.  Because Lydia predicts Boyd’s future drowning, just in time for her and Stiles to finding him taking a nap in the tub, sans Rubber Duckie.  Upon determining that heat could be used to break the werewolves out of their suicidal trances,  Lydia instructs Stiles to get some signal flares from the (unlocked?) bus.

He waves one in Boyd’s face and . . .

emergency

wake up bud

“How dare you interrupt my water aerobics session!”

Phew, that was a close one.  Fear not, kiddies.  It looks like Boyd will get to live to be a not-particularly-well-developed-character (save for the dead sister thing) another day . . .

But Boyd isn’t the only werewolf hanging out around ice boxes tonight . . .

Get in the Icebox!

Since there’s nothing good on television  .  . .

turning on channel

“Why are all the werewolves on True Blood such inbred douchebags?”

Isaac decides to take a walk down memory lane, with his dear old dad . . .

bored isaac

“Hey dad, remember that time you locked me in the icebox, because I gave you the wrong-sized tool?”

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

“Good times!”

Isaac actually seems more scared than suicidal, when Stiles finds him hiding under the presumably grossly dirty hotel bed . . .

hiding under

But Stiles decides to put a burning flame in his face anyway.  (That’s what friends are for!)

stiles rescue

Speaking of friends with benefits . . .

Sex Heals All Wounds . . .  Apparently

When we last left English Teacher, she was huddled over a nearly-dead Derek in the school parking lot . . .

omg

So, she does what any woman would do in such a situation: takes him to a hospital   uses a first aid kit on him in an attempt to staunch the bleeding  makes some cheesy jokes about what a hot body he has, and then proceeds to have sex with him, as his gaping, gross, open wounds rub all up on her privates . . .

seriously

“Seriously?”

mackin

Not that Derek is complaining . . .

more mackin

Did I mention that English Teacher has a magic coochie, apparently?

fondle corpse

One roll in the hay with this chick, and he’s CURED!  It’s a MIRACLE!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

“Thank you, Magic Coochie!”

English Teacher has officially become my hero!  Too bad it’s looking more and more likely that she’s evil.

Gas Pains . . .

Speaking of Magic Coochie, Scott could probably use one of those, when Suicide Motel motivates him to douse himself in kerosene, while holding a signal flare . .  .

gasolina

Team Human watches in horror, as Scott threatens to kill himself, thereby putting a premature end to a series that has clearly been written around him . . .

we are losers

“Goodbye Cruel Television Show!”

OK, so most of the fanbase KNOWS the writers wouldn’t really kill Scott, smack in the middle of the season.  But still, it’s an emotional moment . . .

harsh man

Then, Scott starts telling Stiles what losers and nobodies they used to be, before Scott turned into a werewolf . . . the implication being, obviously, that Stiles is STILL a loser and a nobody.

3 15 wtf can i

OUCH!  If I was Stiles, I might have been tempted to let him die for that  .  . . just sayin . . .

mischeivous stiles

“If I’m such a loser, how come YOU’RE the one who smells like gas?”

Obviously, I’m kidding.  But seriously!  Show Stiles a bit of respect, Scott!  He pretty much solves EVERY CRIME COMMITTED ON THIS SHOW!  Not to mention, he’s constantly getting Scott’s dumb ass wolf side out of trouble . . .

stiles-15

But Stiles is clearly a better person than me.  Because rather than telling off Scott,  he gets all teary, and offers to die with him . . . calling the Teen Wolf his best friend and brother . . .

lets die together

“It gets better.”

Once again, Dylan O’Brien hits the scene out of the park, almost making me forget how annoyed I am at Suicidal!Scott for dissing him . . . almost.

When Stiles pulls Scott out of the fire, Lydia gets a surprise glimpse at Voldemort from Harry Potter!  Talk about a cool cameo appearance!

voldemort

ugly guy

“Was the signal flare a horcrux?”

Thar she BLOWS!

The next day on the bus, Lydia steals Coach Crackpot’s whistle, and finds out that someone filled it with wolfsbane, which would explain why the wolves were acting so wacky on this little trip.

the evil whistle

wolfsbane

Except, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t EVERYONE . . . wolves, humans, and kanaimas alike . . . effected by the wolfsbane, back when Lydia slipped it into her punch at her birthday, last season?  Why was it so much more selective, this time around?  I mean the Coach blew that sh*t RIGHT IN STILES’ FACE!

blow whistle

ok gif

Also, how was Coach able to  get any sound out of the whistle, with all that purple crud in it?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Logical reasoning aside, the gang determines that the Darach .  . . and not the Suicide Motel . . . was responsible for all the almost-murders . . .  If I was the Suicide Motel, I’d be massively offended by this . . .

verbal keyboard smash

Also, on the bus,  Ethan thanks SCOTT for saving his life.

thank you scott

dont understand

SCOTT?  SCOTT? SERIOUSLY?

Scott was out playing in the gasoline!  STILES AND LYDIA saved your life, Ethan!

lydia brave tatikatelena

Why is everybody crapping on Stiles, this season?  Correction, why does everybody crap on Stiles, EVERY SEASON?

stiles sad 3

Makes me mad, is all . . .

Anywhoo, to thank SCOTT for “saving his life,” Ethan tells the Scooby Gang that Derek is still alive . . .

charming derek

However, the Alpha’s plan on killing him . . . again . . . to avenge the death of THIS GUY . .  .

dying ennis

derek watche

“Doh!”

Something tells me that the Magic Coochie won’t help Derek, this time around  . . .

Can I Get You a Tissue . . . GERARD ARGENT?

Back in Adult Town, Papa Argent figures out his daughter flauted his authority by attempting to murder Alpha’s Katnisss Everdeen style, without daddy’s approval.  So, he punishes her, by letting her rot for the night in the same hotel where his Uncle, shortly after turning werewolf, decided to off himself . . .

she did it

“What’s this random escalator doing in here?”

At the end of the episode, Papa Argent pays a visit to a familiar face . . .

chris argent

“Hi honey, I’m home!”

smirking gerard

“Miss me and my massive over-acting?”

That’s right, Kiddies, it’s the MOUNTAIN ASHHHHHH guy . . .

mountain ash

snot nose

(who, apparently,  after all these years,  has never learned how to blow his nose)

the gift of tp

And he’s got some interesting intel about who bit Uncle Argent, back in 1977 . .  . It was . . . wait for it . . . THE DEMON WOLFFFFFF!

demon wolf

Next week on Teen Wolf, Deaton becomes the Maggie Grace character from the movie Taken (which, I guess makes Scott, Liam Neeson?)

See ya then, Werebangers!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr][Fangirls Forever]

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Degrassi: In Too Deep — Anatomy of Two BRAND NEW Promos!

REJOICE, DEGRASSI FANS!  THE NEW PROMOS ARE FINALLY HERE! 🙂

Last night, Teen Nick aired two much anticipated trailers for Degrassi‘s upcoming new season, entitled In Too Deep, which is set to premiere on February 11th at 9 p.m.  The first trailer was relatively short (lasting only about 30 seconds).   However, it was comprised almost entirely of NEW footage, never before seen by Degrassi fans . . .

The second trailer was double the length of the first (clocking in at about 1 minute, 30 seconds), and was an amalgamation of scenes from the first trailer, scenes from the trailer that Teen Nick aired last season, and some extra “bonus” scenes . . .

So, now that you’ve seen them, let’s discuss what we’ve learned.  Shall we?

Fadam is ON! / Fiona is still drinking. / Fiona may be gay (and into Holly J)?

When we last left our favorite (and only) transgendered Degrassi student, Adam Torres, he was putting some major effort into wooing the object of his affections, Fiona Coyne.  He even went so far as to throw a genuine New York-style ball, fit for a Princess, in her honor.  However, up until this point, Fiona’s feelings for Adam have shown little evidence of venturing beyond the platonic.  She might be aware of Adam’s attraction to her, but she hasn’t done much to show that she reciprocates those feelings.  In fact, she BAILED on the party he threw for her — a major NO-NO, in Relationship World.

But if the promos we’ve seen for next season are any indication, all of that is about to change, BIG TIME . . .

Though Fiona and Adam’s first kiss may be the result of a drunken (at least on Fiona’s part) game of Truth or Dare (as suggested in the first promo), clearly their relationship extends far beyond this “momentary indiscretion,” as the season progresses.  We know, from last season’s promos (plus, many of those scenes were repeated in the new trailers), that Fiona and Adam (or Fadam, as the cool kids like to call them) engage in a full on, Horizontal Couch Makeout Session, later on in the season.  And it is this couch session that Holly J. unceremoniously interrupts. 

Sounds great, right? 

Well . . . maybe not . . .

When we first watched the earlier promos, many of us Degrassi fans speculated as to the “logistics” of Fiona’s and Adam’s relationship.  Specifically, we wondered how Fiona would react, when she learned  that Adam was born female (and still has lady parts).  Based on the promos we saw last night, Fiona’s knowledge regarding Adam’s trangender status doesn’t seem to be the issue . . .

Both promos feature Fiona telling Adam that “drinking makes it easier to be with [him].”

This line suggests three things: (1) that Fiona is still abusing alcohol; (2) that she is aware that Adam is transgendered; and (3) while that knowledge has not caused her to stop seeing him, it still makes her feel at least somewhat uncomfortable.

But here’s the REAL twist . . .

Could Fiona actually be a lesbian?  Is she merely using Adam to “safely” evaluate her attraction to people of the same sex, while secretly vying for her bestie, Holly J?  This would be an interesting plot development indeed!

Sound crazy and completely out of left field to you?  Here’s my take on why this might be a real possibility . . .

For starters, Fiona has always been someone for whom relationships seemed more about status and convenience, than about genuine attraction.  She briefly dated Riley (before he was officially out of the closet) because she thought he was a nice guy who would keep her away from the advances of douchebags.  The fact that Riley was gay, and would likely never want to be intimate with her, almost seemed like an added bonus, as far as Fiona was concerned.

Fiona dated the ultimatey abusive Bastard Bobby, back in New York, because he was rich, popular, and had the right family name. 

She hooked up with her brother Declan (INCEST!  GROSSSSSS!) , because she worried that she was losing him (He was her only friend, at the time,) to Holly J.  So, she assumed that, by being DISGUSTING, she  could scare her brother’s boyfriend away . . .

So, we’ve never actually seen Fiona exhibit feelings of attraction for a man of the opposite sex.  And, based on the promos, she does seem more open to beginning a relationship with a transgendered male, than most heterosexual women her age, and in her situation, probably would be.  In conclusion, what initially might have seemed like a bizarre “out-of-character” plot twist the Degrassi writers inserted into their story to appeal to a considerable fanbase of “Dudes Who LOVE HOT LESBIANS,” makes more and more sense to me, the more I continue to think about it . . .

As for Holly J. . . .

Apart from her scenes with Fiona and Adam, we really don’t get to see all that much of her in these new promos.  However, the above shot, seems to suggest that she gets injured at some point during this season.  She may even end up in the hospital, as a result of said injuries?  (Based on the white background, behind Holly J., I thought she might be laying on a hospital bed in the picture above.)

Could Holly have somehow been involved in the EPIC CAR ACCIDENT to which all the Degrassi spoilers keep referring?  And, if so, why did the hospital choose to cope with injuries, by merely pasting a cheap bandaid over them?  (Random Canadian Hospital FAIL!)

Ali gets in trouble again. /  She runs away from home, is robbed, and wears an UGLY wig?

When Alli told her parents that she wanted to be transferred to private school, she never expected that they would ship her off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Although we didn’t learn too much more about Alli’s predicament than we had already deduced from previous promos, these new trailers helped us fill in a few of the blanks as to what actually happens to Alli during this season.  First, we see her at home, in her school uniform, complaining, that while she tries to be “good,” bad things continue to happen to her . . .

Combine this scene, with the one from the earlier promo, in which she is arguing was Sav (“You are ruining MY life,” he screams at her.) and you can deduce that Ali got into some trouble at her All-Girls private school, and shamed the family, as a result.  She may have even been EXPELLED from that school.  After all, we do see Alli later on in the promo, talking to Clare, at what appears to be a Degrassi Dance . . .

There is no way of knowing for certain whether this “Dance Scene” comes before or after Alli runs away from home.  But we do know that she’s on the run at some point during the series, and is away from home long enough to be declared a Missing Person . . .

This information is all but spelled out for us, when we see Alli at home, threatening to run away . . .

We then see her out in the street dressed in that RIDICULOUS OUTFIT, ripping down Missing Person posters of herself . . .

I didn’t know Lindsay Lohan was on Degrassi!

After that, Alli gets mugged by some lowlife, who steals her purse and runs away (probably, because he thought she was Lindsay Lohan, and that he could see the purse on Ebay for some serious dough.  He was probably super disappointed, when he found out that the purse he stole belonged instead to “some chick from Degrassi”).

Then, finally, Alli’s dad, and Sav go out searching for her in the family car, during a rainstorm.  Presumably, they find her, and bring her back home  .. . just in time for the Degrassi Dance!

YIPPEE!

And now for the storyline, you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Eli flips out. /  He becomes super possessive of Clare.  / She dumps him.  / And he gets into a car accident on the anniversary of his dead girlfriend’s death?

Of all Degrassi’s upcoming season storylines, I’d say Eli’s and Clare’s is the one about which fans are the most excited.  And why not?  After all, the Degrassi: In Too Deep Season finale is set to air on April 22, 2011, precisely two years (maybe one in Degrassi world), since the tragic and untimely death of Eli’s former girlfriend, Julia, who was hit by a car.

I know that, in real life, this is the picture of a model in a bad black wig.  And yet, “Dead Julia” still gives me the creeps every time I look at her . . . kind of like that Freaky Chick from The Ring movies . . .

To add fuel to the Eclare fire, Degrassi Writer/Producer Stephen has publicly admitted that the Eli/Clare/Dead Julie saga will be featured prominently in the latter episodes of the season.  He also teased that something will happen to a creepy “picture” of Julia, and that Eli is in that picture as well.  Speculation as to what Sohn meant by this cryptic statement has ranged widely from the literal (a picture of Eli and Julia is stolen during the finale) to the practical (Eli accidentally ran Julia over with his car), to the outright BIZARRE (“Julia” is actually Eli in a black wig, a la Psycho)

This eye-catching shot from the extended promo seems to show a bereft, and tear-stricken Eli clutching Julia’s picture while standing next to his trusty hearse Morty.  The question is, where the heck is he?  The library?  (There are shelves of books shown behind the car); His garage? (Where else do you put a car indoors?)  Degrassi High?  (Did he DRIVE THE CAR INTO THE SCHOOL?)

In the promos, we see that things between Eli and Clare aren’t nearly as rosy as they were last season — back when the pair bonded over Eli’s hoarding issues, and Eli helped Clare cope with her parents’ impending separation.

Suddenly, Clare is talking about “taking a break” and “needing space” from Eli.  This is an unusual turn of events, especially considering that in previous episodes, it was Clare, who seemed the more “clingy” of the couple, while Eli was a bit more standoffish, and constantly required time alone to “sort things out.”

“Could someone tell me when exactly I became the GIRL in this relationship?”

Now, suddenly, Eli never seems to want Clare to leave his side . . .

Whenever they are together, he constantly has his arm wrapped around her protectively, as if he is afraid that if he lets go, she will get run over by a carhe will lose her forever . . .

The usually adorable Eli is suddenly saying creepy lines like the guys in the Lifetime movies do . . . right before they go after their girlfriend with a hatchet.  (“If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN!”)

“You promised me you’d never leave me,” he tells her in one scene.

“We need some time ALONE together . . . just you and me,” he says to her in another.

It seems obvious that, as the date on the calendar creeps closer and closer to the anniversary of Julia’s death, Eli is becoming more unhinged.  He copes with these feelings, by sticking close to Clare, the only person who has the power him feel safe. 

But Clare almost makes Eli nervous.  After all, Eli presumably felt “safe” with his last girlfriend too, and look what happened to her!  So, just like Eli “hoarded” random objects in his room, to preserve Julia’s memory, he is, in essence, “hoarding” Clare now, to keep her out of harms way.

But Clare isn’t an old notebook, or smelly shoe.  She’s a person, who needs her own space.  Clare confides this in Alli at the school dance.  So, Alli suggests that Clare be honest with Eli about how she’s feeling . . .

Ummm . . . Clare?  1993 called . . . And they would really like that lipstick back!  (Seriously, why does the wardrobe department always insist on dressing this character like a 43-year old Soccer Mom?)

But was this the right advice?  In both of the promos, we see Clare confronting Eli, frustratedly telling her boyfriend that he is “suffocating her.”

Needless to say, Eli does not take this accusation (or possibly being dumped?) very well.  In the final scenes of both of the above trailers, we see Eli driving his car recklessly into the night, with tears streaming down his face . . .

Though a clearly anguished and incredibly guilty feeling Clare, calls Eli repeatedly on his cell phone, begging him to answer her, we can see that he does not do so . . .

Could THESE be scenes from April 22nd’s Season Finale, entitled “Drop the World?”  Could this be the Massive Car Crash Degrassi spoilers have been teasing us about since last year?  Is Julia’s picture in the car with Eli, while he’s driving?  Could Eli’s reckless driving, be construed as a suicide attempt, as a result of guilt over his girlfriend’s death?

I guess we will just have to wait until February 11th to find out.  (But until then, speculations and spoilers are always welcome in the comment section, and would be much appreciated. 🙂 )

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Change Your Partner, Change the Game: A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Homecoming Hangover”

To call tonight’s installment of Pretty Little Liars a “game changer” is a bit of an overstatement . . . a very cliched overstatement.  And yet, in the most literal sense of the term, that’s what “Homecoming Hangover” was.  After all, this was the episode where everything  . . . CHANGED.  Formerly “hot” romances fizzled out  . . .

I still haven’t given up hope, Wren!  COME BACK!

. . . recently broken relationships were mended, new prospective couplings blossomed, and a MAJOR suspect may very well have been taken out of commission for good.

Now that you know all of the rules have changed, what do you say we start playing the game?

“I Was Hunted Down by Creepy Toby, and All I Got Was This Lame Wrist Brace . . .”

“Thank goodness for this stylish butterfly stitch on my forehead, or you might have never known I was recently in ‘GRAVE DANGER.'”

When the episode opens, Aria, Spencer, and Hanna are still at the Homecoming Dance, searching for Emily when they find her cell phone on the ground . . . along with some broken glass . . . and BLOOD!

“I TOLD Emily she should have never chosen the theme song from The Shining as her ringtone.  That’s just asking for trouble.”

But fear not, boys and girls.  Emily is not dead . . .

 . . . She’s just out for a romantic, late night car ride . . . except, she’s all bloody . . . and unconscious . . .  and Creepy Toby is behind the wheel . . .

Now, those of you who truly believed that Toby would chop up Emily into little bite-sized pieces, and eat them with french fries, have clearly never watched an ABC Family show.  Because in the next scene, Emily is chilling in her bedroom with no injuries at all, except for what appears to be a sprained wrist, and a small, very attractive, cut on her forehead.  Then again, maybe Emily suffered some  brain internal injuries, invisible to the human eye, because she was inexplicably on bedrest for two days. 

As it turns out, Creepy Toby . . .

“That’s ME!”

 . . . merely drove Emily’s unconscious body to the hospital, dumped it near the entranceway, and skipped town on his motorcycle, faster than you could say “raving lunatic.”

The next morning, cops swarmed upon Emily’s home, inquiring as to both Toby’s whereabouts and the location of his psychological records, which seemed to have gone missing that same night (because Hanna took them). 

“Oh yeah!  I’m one Bad Ass Chica!”

At some point during the evening (not sure if it was when Toby was chasing her around the school like a mad man, or dragging her, limp unconscious body into his car), Emily decides that Toby is a “totally sweet guy . . . just misunderstood.” What a moron!  So, she comes up with the brilliant idea to lie to the cops on his behalf, by claiming that her injuries were due merely to her own clumsiness, and nothing more. 

Unfortunately for Emily (and Creepy Toby), precisely NO ONE believes her story, particularly not Emily’s mom.  In fact, Mommy Dearest sees this as a BRILLIANT opportunity to lecture the recently beat up Emily for EMBARASSING her family, by having the NERVE to go to the prom with someone SO UNCOOL!

I don’t understand, Emily.  Why can’t you just date statutory rapists in their mid twenties, like your friends do?”

While Emily is resting up in bed with her barely there injuries, she receives some visitors.  First up are Spencer and Aria, who inform Emily about Toby’s whole “Sister Sex with Blind Jenna” Thing.  Emily who has always really wanted a hot brother to screw, is not quite sure what to do with this information.  Fortunately, My New Favorite Character, Hanna, arrives next, to put things into perspective . . . . She sweetly (and wisely) tells Emily that being a Lesbian is WAY better than dating a Sister F**ker who may very well also be a Stalker / Killer, like Creepy Toby.

Third on the guest list is Blind Jenna . . .

. . . who seems to have replaced her Cane of Destruction with a Hound from Hell.  Blind Jenna’s Guide Dog was so menacing and unstable looking, that if this was a different show, I would have sworn it was Creepy Toby in werewolf form . . .

Jenna also brings cookies, which she insists that Emily eat with milk because it helps the poison in them go down easier.

Fortunately, for Emily, she has seen Snow White enough times to know that taking food from Creepy People is a Bad Idea.  So, she leaves the cookies untouched.  Upon realizing that Emily knows about Creepy Toby’s missing psych file, Blind Jenna begs her for its safe return.  Emily promises Blind Jenna that she will do everything in her power to keep the latter’s Brother F*c*ing Secret safe, by retrieving the file.  However, when Emily texts the other Pretty Little Liars regarding said promise, they have already thrown the file in the LAKE, fully in tact.  

Riiiiiight . . . because NO ONE is going to find it THERE!  Haven’t these girls ever heard of a SHREDDER?

NO!  Not THAT Shredder!  THIS Shredder . . .

Only two can keep a secret, if one of them is SHRED . . .

During this episode, Emily also wins a car . . .

and decides to make a go of it with her lady crush, Maya . . .

 . . . which I would be excited about . . . if these two weren’t the most BORING lesbian couple on the entire planet  . . .

Hanna learns the joys of YouTube . . . and Lucas

“Hey, Hanna!  I found this GREAT video where they make fun of all the girls from Pretty Little Liars.  Wanna see?”

The next day at school, Hanna has to take a makeup picture, for the yearbook, wearing her Homecoming Queen crown. Hanna’s photographer is none other than THIS GUY  . . .

 . . . no . . . actually it’s not him. 

However, OUR guy, Lucas, looks and acts JUST LIKE Seth Cohen from The O.C., which undoubtedly has a lot to do with why I like him so much.  After initially getting adorably shy and flustered around Hanna, upon seeing her once again decked out in her homecoming finest, Lucas quickly develops an easy repoire with the Queen Bee, tossing cute jokes and sarcastic quips her way, as he hones in on her with his camera lens. 

Then, unfortunately, the Boring, Quite Possibly Gay, Sean has to come and ruin everything, with his bitchy attitude and his blubbering about how Hanna ditched him at the dance.    Boo Hoo, Rich Popular Jock Boy, the world’s smallest violin is performing an entire concert in your honor . . .

Beauty and the D-Bag.

Did I mention that this A-hole couldn’t even be bothered to put on a PAIR OF PANTS, before appearing in the photo shoot?  (Then again, Sean was probably just trying to hit on Lucas, by showing him his hot dog . . .)

It’s a tough job, but SOMEONE has to be Sean’s little weiner.

 Sean ultimately throws a temper tantrum, and storms out of the room, leaving Hanna and Lucas alone to flirt with eachother.

Later, Hanna and Lucas bond over the wonderful world of YouTube, and, in particular, a video involving a Snowboarding Turkey.

Not exactly the video I would have chosen to help land ME a date.  But it seemed to work prettyh well for Lucas.  So who am I to judge?

While enjoying their YouTube, Lucas and Hanna learned that they both had something else in common: both had a bad high school nickname bestowed upon them by none other than the Now Dead Ali . . .

Lucas’ was “Herme the Hermaphodite,” because Ali didn’t like his glasses (Huh?  I don’t get it.)  Hanna was “Hefty Hanna” (Now, that one I get, at least).  Wise Lucas then asks Hanna what many Pretty Little Liars fans have undoubtedly been thinking since the start of this show.  Namely, “Why the heck did you all hang out with Ali, if she was such a b*tch?”  (Well, put Seth Cohen Lucas!)

Hanna spouts off some nonsense about Ali having a way of “making people feel special.”  However, I suspect the REAL reason for their friendship was that Ali had a way of “making people popular.”

At the end of the episode, Hanna makes up with Sean, but soon learns that HE, unlike Lucas, has NO appreciation for Snowboarding YouTube Turkeys OR Loud Music (two things which should clearly signify the death knell for ANY high school relationship).  Worry not, Sean . . . you’ll always have Jesus . . .

First Wren Leaves, Now Fitzy, What is this show coming to?

Watch with a heavy heart, as those pasty twig legs and dweeby haircut ride off into the sunset  . . . alone.

But before I get to Fitzy, there’s something else you should know about Sean.  Aside from loving Jesus, and hating Snowboarding Turkeys, he’s also a two-timing bastard.  He taught us that, when he sent a huge bouquet of flowers to his girlfriend’s best friend, Aria, in hopes that doing so would help him to get into her pantalones, pronto.  (By the way, I’m not buying Sean’s whole “abstinence thing” for a minute.   Are you?)

Say what you want about Aria, but she KNOWS bullshit when she sees it.  Suspecting that Sean is only feigning interest her to get back at Hanna for her Homecoming Dance antics, Aria calls Sean out on his behavior, extracting a heartfelt apology from him, in the process.  Aria’ is lucky that this incident blew over fast, because she REALLY doesn’t have time for any more BS in her life.  She’s already chock full.  During this episode, Aria had to deal with the trial separation of her mother and father, AND her brother’s acting out in school . . .

To further complicate matters, overnight, her lover, Ezra a.k.a. Fitzy, seemed to have went the way of Wren and Creepy Toby — having disappeared into thin air overnight (They REALLY are dropping like flies, aren’t they?  It SURE doesn’t help your employment status to have a weiner on this show!). 

Desperate for answers, Aria heads to Fitzy’s apartment, and lets herself in using the hide-a-key he has left under his welcome mat. 

REALLY, Fitzy?  A HIDE-A-KEY?  Under a WELCOME MAT?  In an APARTMENT COMPLEX?  You might has well put a sign on your door that says, “Please Rob Me!”

Anyway, soon after Aria is safely inside Fitzy’s apartment, she hears a message on his answering machine from a nearby high school.  Apparently, Fitzy is applying for a job out of town.  Aria is crushed, though I’m not exactly sure why.  If Fitzy starts teaching elsewhere, Aria and him can bone without fear of repercusion for the whole “student / teacher thing.”  Then again . . . there’s still the whole “statutory rape” thing on the table.  Fitzy can’t exactly make that one disappear, now can he?

Spencer Shish-Kabobs and Salsas into Alex’s Heart

While Aria was LOSING her OLD man (emphasis on the OLD), Spencer was digging her claws into her NEW one.  With Wren seemingly no where to be found he’s probably off shooting a pilot episode somewhere, Spencer has devoted herself wholeheartedly to getting Alex’s pants. 

 Her campaign begins in the kitchen at the country club where Spencer plays and Alex works.  Spencer barges in to apologize for her bad behavior during the Homecoming Dance.  Clearly turned on by Spencer’s persistence and agression, Alex quickly forgives her and agrees to give her another chance, provided she let HIM pick the terms of the couple’s next date.  Spencer is overjoyed.

One – Love. (Two, if you count Wren, which I STILL DO!)

Just in case you forgot what he looks like . . .

Unfortunately, on the day of the Big Date, Alex calls Spencer to cancel, claiming he has to work.  Knowing the country club is closed that day, Spencer quickly becomes convinced that she has been stood up.   So, she does what any good stalker girlfriend would do, she heads to the country club, to catch him in a lie.  Except that, the jokes on her, because, HE’S WORKING AFTER ALL!

You’ve really gotta hand it to Spencer.  Rather than leave with her tail between her legs, she insists on sticking around to help Alex skewer shish kabobs.  She even wears a HAIR NET!  Now, if that’s not love, I don’t know what is . . .

Love means never having to get your hair in the mashed potatos.

And I have to say, despite a slight tiff involving a defaced photograph of Spencer hanging in the kitchen supply closet (someone who works there is apparently not a fan), these two made a mighty cute couple.   As the pair cooked and listened to the radio, an adorably booty shaking Alex (who has a really cute butt, by the way) commandeered Spencer to participate in a surprisingly spicy salsa dance.  And while it wasn’t quite enough to make me jump ship and switch to Team Alex, it WAS fun to watch . . .

At the end of the episode, two fairly important (and spooky) things happened:

(1) Creepy Toby’s Creepy Motorbike was found mangled in the woods.   He is now believed by authorities to be dead.  This prompted the Absent- for- NEARLY – An- ENTIRE Episode, A to, text the following message to Emily:  ‘Thank you for getting Toby out of the way for me;”

(2) That weird leather jacket-wearing, black-gloved person (who must be REALLY hot wearing all those layers, by the way, seeing as it always seems to be pretty sunny in the fictional town of Rosewood) retrieved Creepy Toby’s Creepy Sister F&*king Psych Evaluation from the lake.

So, there you have it.  “Homecoming Hangover” in a nutshell.  All in all, I thought it was a pretty solid, well acted, at times, even surprising, episode.  What did you think?

 

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Et tu Barb? – A Recap of Big Love’s “Under One Roof”

Watch your backs, Big Lovers!  Tonight’s episode was all about betrayal.  Not a single character made it through the hour unscathed.  In fact, one character didn’t make it out alive.

 So, without further adieu, let’s take a look back at this blood bath of an episode, to find out who stabbed who, and which wounds were lethal . . .

She’s Baack!

While at a restaurant schmoozing a potential campaign contributor, Bill and Barb run into a very pregnant Anna, a.k.a the fourth wife that almost was . . . but wasn’t.  Doing a bit of mathematical calculation in their heads, Bill and Barb become instantly convinced that the bun in Anna’s oven is Bill’s.  Of course, the self-righteous Henrickson clan is certain that Anna should want nothing more than to rejoin “The Family” with her new baby.

Despite Anna’s pleas that the Henricksons leave her alone, the following evening, Bill and the wives arrive at the restaurant where Anna works to re-plead their case.  As far as they are concerned, the situation is a clear win-win.  After all, who wouldn’t want to join a family as healthy and functional as this one?

 

Clearly smarter than she looks, Anna blows them all off.  Later, however, she approaches Bill at his office to inform him that she has changed her mind.  Apparently, fifteen-hour restaurant workdays are not exactly healthy for a mother in her third trimester.  Anna proposes that Bill provide her with some monetary help.  In exchange, she will arrange for Bill to have some visitation rights, once the baby is born.  Anna conditions the agreement on Bill’s promise to keep the other wives out of the arrangement, because, frankly, they scare the crap out of her.

“Oh HELL no!  I absolutely refuse to become part of that loony family!  I’ll stay in your tummy forever, if I have to!”

Anna suggests that they hire a lawyer to draft a visitation agreement.  However, Bill assures her that such formal measures are not necessary.  He may be a D-Bag, but he’s no dummy.  After all, bastard children and political campaigns do not exactly mix.  The less evidence against Bill, the better  . . .

“Yeah, no sh&t, Sherlock!”

When Barb learns about what transpired between Bill and Anna, she is livid.  After all, any baby conceived during a Henrickson marriage is Henrickson property, as far as she is concerned.  (women and children apparently equal chattel, here in Big Love land).  Barb barges into Anna’s apartment and demands that she reconsider.   She is shocked to find another man there.    “He is my fiancé,” explains Anna.

According to Anna, her fiancé is aware that the baby Anna is carrying is Bill’s.  However, he is allowing Anna to receive help from Bill because he wants what’s best for the baby.  (Do you want to see a paternity test?  Because I sure do!  No man is that understanding.)

Barb remakes her lame argument about the baby being born out of “their” marriage.  This is the moment Anna chooses to drop her bombshell.  “The baby was NOT conceived during the marriage.  It was conceived before [Bill and I] were married.”

“Oh Billlllyyy!  You have some explaining to do!”

The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave . . .

The Henrickson’s not only had to deal with the woman who had abruptly re-entered their lives, they also had to cope with the one who just wouldn’t leave.  Evil publicist Marilyn, still intent on signing Bill’s casino to her client roll, finagles yet another meeting with Bill’s partners to make her pitch.  She goes one step further by approaching Barb with girl talk and sweets wrapped in a red bow.

 Beware of evil women bearing goodies, Barb . . .

Marilyn does a fairly good job of getting into Barb’s head, regarding the latter’s lack of equal standing at the casino, despite her being a full partner.  Marilyn then informs Barb about her pitch for representation of the casino – a pitch to which, of course, Barb was not invited.  Ultimately, Barb goes behind Bill’s back and signs Marilyn as casino representative, on his behalf.  Apparently, Bill is not the only one who can make agreements that affect The Family without the rest of The Family’s approval.

Not Without My Daughter!

Nikki’s “fashionable” new look

Nikki is appalled and disgusted when she learns that her “ex-husband” and the father of her child, J.J.,  is being “sealed” to her mother at the same creepy run-down motel where she lost her virginity at age 14.  When J.J.’s sister calls her to inform her that J.J.’s whole family is coming down for the “sealing,” Nikki begins to fear for her mother and her daughter’s safety.

To prove her independence, Nikki crashes the “wedding” dressed in “modern” clothes.  Or rather, she dresses in clothes she assumes are modern, seeing as she has basically  dressed like a pilgrim since birth.  Her sideways ponytail and short jean skirt were admittedly hilarious.  However, I think 1984 probably wants them back.  In all honesty, I haven’t seen Chloe Sevigny so poorly dressed since . . . this.

But I do feel a bit bad about harping on Nikki’s clothing, seeing as she was definitely the hero of this episode.  When Nikki learns that her 16-year old daughter is to be sealed to an older man, much like Nikki was sealed to J.J. in the past, Nikki breaks into the motel and gallantly comes to her daughter’s rescue. 

Getting Loco Down in Mexico

Things are going slightly better (at least, at first), for young Ben, as he bonds with his Crazy Grandma and Grandpa down in Mexico, while they attempt to carry out their “bird-brained” scheme to bootleg parrots across state lines.  Ben lies to his family, telling them that he is nursing his Grandmother’s broken foot.

Meanwhile, Ben and Grams are having a grand old time dancing (on both feet), eating shrimp cocktails, and talking about living together in Mexico.  Unfortunately, when they go to market to collect their parrots, things do not exactly go as planned.  Apparently, Ma and Pa Henrickson aren’t the only ones involved the bird racket.  The creepy mafia-esque polygamist Greene family like their birds as well, and aren’t big fans of competition . . .

Blind (and Dumb) Ambition

Much to the chagrin of the entire Henrickson family, Bill is determined that they come “out” as polygamists upon Bill’s election to Senate.  Under the flimsy rationale that it will help his campaign, he begins making rash decisions on the family’s behalf.  First, he decides to rebrand his “local family” casino by placing billboards for it outside of his voting district.  Then, he makes plans to purchase a larger campaign headquarters, despite the financial burden it will undoubtedly place on the increasingly cash-strapped family.

After meeting some unexpected opposition from his wives, Bill reveals his new “campaign headquarters” to his family.  These “headquarters” are not located in a stodgy warehouse, or office, but rather, inside a stately mansion.  Bill informs his wives that this is where he plans to move with them, after they come forward as polygamists.  According to Bill, it has always been his dream to have his entire family living under one roof.

Love Hurts (and Sometimes Kills)

Juniper Creek Trustee, Dale, and Albie are still involved in their heated love affair at the episode’s opening.  Unfortunately, their relationship cannot stay a secret for long.  Soon, Albie’s wife, Laura, finds the couple leaving their clandestine hideaway together.  Heartbroken, Laura begins to tip off the other trustees as to Dale’s sexual orientation. 

In a heart-wrenching speech, Dale confronts his religious leaders about his struggles with homosexuality.  He complains that although he has lived a righteous and religious lifestyle, he cannot change his sexuality, no matter how hard he tries to do so.  Still not satisfied, Laura approaches Bill about Dale and Albie. 

Bill meets Dale in secret to confront him with this new information.  Although he is sympathetic to Dale’s troubles, Bill has no choice but to ask him to resign, due to the obvious conflict of interest this presents with respect to the trusteeship.

Shoving the final nail in the coffin, Laura then confronts Dale’s wife and children with their patriarch’s secret.  In the last few moments of the episode, Albie enters the couple’s secret hideaway to find a dead Dale hanging from the rafters by his tie.

It doesn’t get much more intense than that, folks.  Tune in next week, to find out whether Bill can rescue his crazy parents and fairly sane, but Oedipal, son from the Mexican firing squad . . .

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