Tag Archives: Summer Finale

Pretty Little Liars Season 3A – The Good, The Bad, and the TOBY!

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Hey there, my Pretties!  This week, PLL wrapped up its third summer season with a hot sex scene, the discovery of a bastard child, another dead body, and a shocking twist that absolutely blew last season’s arguably anti-climactic reveal of Mona as “A” out of the water.  Though admittedly a bit less action-packed than past seasons, season 3A of PLL still managed to serve up some genuine scares (Mona’s “nursery rhyme” anyone?), a few great one liners (“Bitch can see!”), and some tantalizing clues that kept fans guessing each week, long after the final credits rolled.

So, hold on to your teeth, check your dolls for hidden recording devices, and always keep that wooden mannequin leg handy (You never know when you might have to murder a snake with it.), because here comes a Pretty Little Season 3A retrospective . . .

THE GOOD

After Mona’s “outing” as A last season, I think a lot of fans, myself included, worried that PLL would begin to run out of steam.  “Would subsequent seasons of the show just be more of the same?”  We wondered . . . another A . . . more text messages . . . a few empty scares and clues that would end up going no where . . . until it was ultimately revealed that the story was turning out just as the books had predicted it would.

And yet, somehow, the writers and producers of PLL managed to overcome this obstacle . . . at least, partially, by giving the season a darker, more mature, tone (the girls are seniors now, after all), introducing some new characters, while delving further into some older ones, and creating some really solid standalone moments that brought back memories of what the show was like in its groundbreaking first season.

So, without further adieu, I present to you, “The Good” of Season 3A . . .

Best Scares/ Moments of Season 3A

Maya-normal activity

Admittedly, I had a lot of issues with the Maya St. Germaine murder mystery, as you’ll see in “The Bad” below.  That said, one aspect of this B-plot that I enjoyed thoroughly was the use of web videos to increase the intrigue, and heighten the fright factor, of what otherwise could have become just another “cold case” type story.  Just as the PLL writers have always done with their trademark Dead Ali Flashbacks, Maya’s web diary, helped to make Maya a more interesting and mysterious dead character, than she ever was a live one.

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In addition to providing some “slice of life” character insight, Maya’s videos also heightened the tension of the scenes in which they were featured, because the viewer always knew that, just outside the video frame, someone was out there trying to KILL her.  This technique sort of harkened back to “Ali’s Last Video Debut from Season 1.”  I’m sure you guys remember that one . . .

However, one of my favorite video moments of the season actually didn’t come from Maya’s video diary at all.  Rather, it came from the surveillance video that Noel Kahn sent Spencer to exculpate himself as a murder suspect.  The makers of the Paranormal Activity series will tell you, there’s just something about a grainy surveillance video, featuring seemingly random footage of people you know that’s inexplicably scary.  Maybe it’s the feeling of “authenticity” you get from watching something with a time stamp.  Or, maybe it’s because they catch you off guard, by being so boring most of the time, and then, converting to BATSH*T CRAZY MODE, just when you’re about ready to change the channel . . .

All I know is that when Maya, seconds after appearing on screen, got yanked out of the frame by an unseen evildoer, I jumped out of my seat, for the first time, this season . . .

Show Me Your Teeth

Sure, it was campy, and not particularly believable, but I love that the “A” team made a necklace out of real teeth, and slipped it into Emily’s bag at school.  I mean, sure, I imagine those chompers could have come from any number of mundane places . . . the dentists office, some way-too-proud parents commemorative jar, the tooth fairy . . . But just the mere idea that the A Team might have hand plucked pearly whites from Ali’s now nearly two-year old corpse is disgustingly genius!

Truth or Scare

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Because the girls are forced to deal with some pretty adult stuff on a daily basis, we often forget the fact that, back when they were hanging out with Ali, they were all still REALLY young.  That’s why some of my favorite PLL moments take seemingly innocent childhood toys and games, and present them in a creepier, much more sinister, light.  The most obvious example of this are those ugly-as-sin talking dolls that have fast become Evil!Mona’s calling card.  Halloween masks, Ouiji Boards, pumpkins, and super cute clown banks have also been used to create this same effect.

This season, however, the PLL writers boldly tackled a place where only middle school sleepover parties have gone before: Truth or Dare.  We’ve all played this one before, right?  It’s a game that, at it’s tamest, involves revealing secret crushes to your friends, and at it’s most bawdy typically involves flashing people, and making dirty prank phone calls.

But PLL somehow managed to turn a simple game of Truth or Dare into a tantalizing game of Cat and Mouse, during which Rosewood’s two most intense residents, Spencer Hastings and Jenna Cavanaugh each tried to out interrogate one another.  And while the game, itself, didn’t exactly reveal to fans, anything they didn’t already know, it was still incredibly fun to watch . . .

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Snakes at a Fashion Show

Let’s face it.  Snakes are SCARY!  If they weren’t, nobody would have ever bothered to make a movie, who’s entire plot featured them slithering around on a plane.  So despite the fact, that I have no idea how anyone on the so-called A-team managed to (a) buy that kind of a snake; and (b) slip it into a box of clothing without anyone being any the wiser, the ick factor produced when Spencer opened that box, and that disgusting snake started nipping at her heels, had me squealing at my TV set.

But that wasn’t the best part.  The best part was when Cece Drake “rescued” Spencer though, honestly, it’s seems pretty obvious she had something to do with the darn thing being there in the first place by  . . . wait for it . . . beating the CRAP out of the snake with a MANNEQUIN LEG!  Girls got skills .  . .

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Child’s Play – Mona van der Waal Edition

I’m going to discuss Mona’s dialogue in this scene a bit more in depth in the “clues” section.  For now, I just wanted to fangirl a bit about this scene itself, and how it seemed custom-made to produce chills in anyone who happened to be watching at the time . . . from the abandoned corridor in the already creepy insane asylum . . . to the implication that there are enough Crazy Babies, and/or Crazy Mom’s with Babies for said insane asylum to have a Toddler’s Ward . . . to that terrifying way Mona had of stroking the dolls lovingly like that Creepy Ring Monster from Lord of the Rings, while speaking in this whisper-soft, sing-song voice that made you feel like, any minute, her head was going to start spinning around and green-stuff was going to pour out of her mouth . . In short, it was AWESOME!

Best one-liners

“Or, I’ll show my boobs and we’ll be news again.”

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Why: Because Drunk!Emily is always ten times more fun than Sober!Emily.  And because, no matter how old I get, the word “boobs,” still makes me cover my hand over my mouth and giggle like an eight-year old who just heard a “naughty word.”

“Bitch can see!”

Why: We’ve all known Blind Jenna could see for ages.  But there was something genuinely satisfying about having the girls FINALLY figure it out.  And Lucy Hale’s wide-eyed, yet uncharacteristically “street,” delivery of the line was priceless (and made me secretly want to watch Jenna and Aria “rumble” in the school parking lot.  For the record, my money would be on Aria.  She may be small, but she’s scrappy!

“When you baby squirrel Ezra, you are stealing his nuts.”

Just the images on Tumblr of Ian Harding’s head on a squirrel’s body that followed the episode in which this statement appeared, were enough to make me fall in love with this line.  Plus, once again, the eight-year old school girl in me, got a real kick about the fact that, no matter how you slice it, Spencer was talking to Aria about  Fitzy’s Man Parts . . .

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Best New Character – Cece Drake

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When you are coming onto a show in its third season as a new character, the deck is already stacked against you.  TV fans aren’t particularly known for being fond of change.  And chances are, the new character is being brought in to mess with their Ships, and Gal Pals, which makes it even harder for the Newbie to develop his or her own fanbase.

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I’ll be honest, I was all set to dislike Cece Drake, when her character was first introduced in the middle of the Season.  Though she was portrayed as a possible early muse for Ali, I thought for sure she’d be the straight-to-video version of a complex character I had actually grown to adore over the seasons.  However, as the season progressed, I developed a soft spot for Cece’s Fiercely-Loyal-Mean Girl-Who-Likes-to-Party-Persona.

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Of course, I don’t trust her, as far as I can throw her, but the PLL girls have all become SO serious lately, that it’s nice to throw a character into the mix, who clearly doesn’t give a rats about anything, but living in the moment, and having a good time.  Did I mention she MURDERED A SNAKE WITH A MANNEQUIN LEG?

Best Villain – Mona van der Waal

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As I mentioned earlier, I was one of the people, who were annoyed by the writer’s decision to stay loyal to the books, and make Mona “A.”  Though I thought Janel Parrish did a great job with the material she was given, during the first season, I thought her reveal as a Crazy Psychotic Loon in last season’s finale was too abrupt, and not necessarily believable.

Fast forward to season 3A, and Mona has become one of the best villains on TV.  Alternating from nearly comatose, to syrupy sweet, to oddly sympathetic, to creepily childlike, to batsh*t crazy, to EVIL!GENIUS MASTERMIND in the course of just twelve episodes, you never really knew what you were going to get, whenever Mona van der Waal appeared on screen.  But you always knew it was going to be spectacular . . .

Best clue- Mona’s secret code

Perhaps suffering from “A Fatigue,” I found it difficult to become invested in PLL during the first few episodes of Season 3A.  Basically, I just couldn’t bring myself to care all that much about which 5 or 6 suspicious-looking Rosewood residents stole Ali’s coffin, and took Drunk!Emily on a Wild Ride.  More on that later . . .

However, all that changed, during the episode “Crazy,” when Mona started speaking in her super special code.  Suddenly, I was like a Season 1 PLL fan again, re-watching scenes, stalking the message boards, and ravenously hunting through trade magazine for spoilers.  What I loved about this code, was that it never took fan’s intelligence for granted.  The PLL writers had enough faith that us fans would pick up on the hidden messages in the scene.  And we did, which made solving the mystery that much more fun . . .

Best flashback – The story of Pigskin

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If you’ve read this blog before, you might know that I was never Paige’s biggest fan.  (I belive the nickname “Little Orphan B*tchy” was used once or twice.  And while I’m still not 100% sold on the character, or her relationship with Emily, I adored the opportunity to delve deeper into her psyche this season.

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One of the best opportunities us fans had to get to know Paige better, was the flashback involving her and Ali.  Sure, it made Paige look a little crazypants, with those marks she left on Ali’s back (though, not nearly as crazy pants as she looked when she tried to DROWN EMILY), but it also explained  a heck of a lot about Paige’s treatment of Emily, and arguably disturbing behavior, during those early episodes.  I mean, how could you not sympathize with the poor girl, after Ali stole her love letter to Emily, thereby humiliating her in the worst, and most personal way possible?

Well, actually, this hair is more humiliating . . .

Oh, and she ended up NOT being Maya’s killer . . . so . . . that was nice . . .

THE BAD

Ah, yes . . . the Positivity Train has officially left the station . . . at least temporarily.  Here’s the part of the blog, where I talk about the aspects of Season 3A that I thought didn’t work, and dragged down an otherwise solid season . . .

Worst twist – Nate is Maya’s stalker / killer

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Come on now, PLL writers!  No one, for a second, believed that the super creepy, suspiciously appearing, and not the least bit interesting or likeable “Nate St. Germaine” was Maya’s real cousin, or anything, other than exactly what he turned out to be, Maya’s stalker / murderer.  So, the fact that this guy spent no less than twelve episodes, eating up screentime, with his fake Maya Memories, and his cringe-worthy attempts at “bonding with Emily,” were more frustrating than they were fascinating.  It also made Emily look like a TOTAL MORON (more on that later), for falling for his tricks . . .

Maybe if the writers (and the actor who played Nate) made the character look like a bit less of a lecher, from the get go, more of us would have actually been fooled by the guy . . .

Worst Plotlines –

PLL parents try dating 

Yeah, sorry.  Maybe this makes me sound ageist.  But I don’t watch PLL to see Ashley Marin date the Dull as Dishwater Deacon, or Byron Montgomery date that blonde twit student with whom he cheated on Ella.  And, yes, the American Pie Guy is hot and charming.  But I don’t watch PLL to see him makeout with Ella in the coffee shop either.  None of this has ANYTHING to do with Ali’s death or “A.”

Just sayin’ . . .

Emily’s “lost night”

So, let me get this straight.  Emily got roofied.  Then, she was picked up on the street by Jenna and Noel.  Then, she went to some restaurant with that dude who sort of/ kind of/ but not really dated Aria for one episode, and then pretty much disappeared forever.  Then, she went to Paige’s house, and made out with her a little bit. And THEN she went back to the cemetery, and watched the “A” team dig up a grave?

Ummm . . . am I missing something here?

Don’t get me wrong, I think the idea of Ali’s corpse being stolen, and Emily being framed for it, shows a lot of promise.  I just wish the writers managed the mystery in a more streamlined way, rather than going for the, throw in everything but the kitchen sink approach . . .

Worst clues –

The Ugly Earring

The real mystery for me, is why ANYONE in their right mind would wear that hideous earring, and not, how it ended up being Rosewood’s answer to the Traveling Pants, winding up under couch cushions, in graves, inside of lockers, and in Paige’s purse, all in the course of a single season . . .

Those lame final sequences

Remember when PLL final sequences were AWESOME?  Like the one that showed Lucas bashing the crap out of Ali’s memorial fountain . . . . or the one where “A” killed the Rat Named Spencer . . . or the one where “A” changed the Rosewood Population sign to imply that SOMEONE WOULD DIE TONIGHT!

Yeah . . . now, we’ve got “A” drinking booze, watching Wheel a Fortune, and listening to old songs on a jukebox.  Can you say, LAZY?

Worst new characters

Nate – SEE ABOVE. 🙂

Maggie

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Hey, I love Alex Mack as much as the next girl . . .

But I do not love the freaky, wide-eyed pixie version of her that Fitzy supposedly impregnated with his spawn.  And now, from what I hear, this is Aria’s New Competition?  Jackie 2.0?  Been there, done that, read the Cliff Notes for it . . . let’s move on . . .

Most Frustrating Character Development – The Dumbing Down of Emily

Oh, Emily.  Let’s face it, you were never the sharpest tool in the shed.  And we know academics have never been your strong suit, considering you were ALMOST LEFT BACK A GRADE.  But, in the course of a single season you, failed to mind your FLASK (NEVER LEAVE YOUR BOOZE UNATTENDED, GIRLFRIEND) . . . got roofied . . . lent your diseased flask to your girlfriend, WITHOUT WASHING IT, so that she could get roofied too (Now, that’s just unsanitary.), hung out with your dead other girlfriend’s OBVIOUS KILLER, believed that your dead girlfriend’s OBVIOUS KILLER was her cousin, despite the fact that he DIDN’T KNOW WHERE HER PARENTS LIVED, and SEEMED TO LOOOOOVE HER, IN A WAY COUSINS SHOULD NOT LOVE ONE ANOTHER, kissed your dead girlfriend’s OBVIOUS KILLER, despite the fact that he was a TOTALLY DISGUSTING CREEPER, and finally, went to a cabin alone with your dead girlfriend’s OBVIOUS KILLER, despite the fact that he was a TOTALLY DISGUSTING CREEPER.

Maybe you just mistook your thinking cap for your swim cap this season, huh, Emily?

And, finally .  . .

THE TOBY

Ooh, talk about a shocking twist.  Coming off a season, where the Big Reveal of who “A” Was shocked almost NOBODY, Season 3A’s final moments legitimately surprised EVERYONE!  Who would have suspected that Spencer’s stalwart Rock . . . the man who supported her crazy, fell off a scaffold for her, played endless games of Scrabble with her, humped her many times in his truck, and took her virginity, would also be one of her biggest enemies?

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And that look on his face, as he donned that hoodie, and ran off into the night . . . SUPER CREEPY.

Of course, the implications of this discovery are HUGE.  WHY did Toby do it?  How long has he been doing it?  And, perhaps most importantly, did he ever really care about Spencer at all?

It’s interesting how, of all the PLL girls it was the one least likely to trust others, who let The Enemy literally get underneath her skin . . .

But I guess all is fair, in love and A . . .  Until next season, my Pretties!

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Everybody Hates Emily? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Through Many Dangers, Toils and Snares”

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Greetings, My Pretties!  Happy New Year, and welcome back!  It sure has been a long cold winter, without any nefarious texts from “A,” sneers from Blind Jenna, obligatory Ali flashbacks, or Pretty Little Couple’s Makeout Sessions.

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Fortunately, Pretty Little Liars is back with a vengeance.  And if this mid-season premiere episode is any indication, we are in for quite the wild ride.

So slip into that fashionable orange jumpsuit, practice your right hook, and prune your garden hoe, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

GIRLFIGHT!

We open on a completely random shot of little girls jumping rope to some Pretty Little Liars’ themed rhyme.  You know, because little girls are scary . . . especially ones who jump rope.  Then again, perhaps I only think this because I was a particularly unathletic child.

Anywhoo . . . it’s been one month since our fabulous foursome was caught fondling the Big Fat Shovel That Killed Now-Dead Ali.  The time jump conveniently ensures that we can skip over all that Boring Legal Stuff the girls likely had to endure for being the MAIN SUSPECTS IN A MURDER!

Thank goodness for that!  And, while we’re at it, thank goodness for Spencer’s Mom!  She must be the best criminal attorney EVER!  Step aside, Guy Who Represented O.J. Simpson (Johnny Cochran, R.I.P.).  There’s a new sheriff in town!

But lest you think our pretties got off scot-free, this is NOT the case.  They had one month of community service, which basically entailed picking up trash on the highway.  (Take that, Lindsay Lohan!)

At first blush, this doesn’t sound so bad, right?  I mean, aside from being a very environmentally conscientious “green” thing to do, they get to do it together.  So, here I am expecting a nice, fun-filled, scene filled with snarky one-liners, community service hijinks, and maybe even a chain gang sing-a-long a la Glee.  But, alas, it is not to be.  Something stinks in Rosewood.  And it’s not the trash on Highway 16 . . .

Suddenly Emily is TOTALLY sticking it to Spencer for not wanting to go in on her “Big Plan.”  She even goes as far as to suggest that Spencer’s rich, fancy parents would throw the rest of the girls under the bus for Ali’s murder, if they had the chance . . .

Cue Spencer Face . . .

 Ugly Horse Sweater not included . . .

Next thing you know, Spencer is tossing her garbage bag at Emily, and the girls are throwing down, Fight Club-style . . .

The moment that launched hundreds of M-rated Spemily Slash fanfictions . . .

Things get so intense between the two growling, grunting, hair-tugging teens, that the local sheriffs have to intervene.  (But not, Police Boy Garrett . . . whose sole function on the police force seems to be to sit in his car and suck face with Blind Jenna twirl his non-existent Evil Mustache and plot World Domination).  The altercation results in two extra weeks of community service for each girl.  Oh, and Spencer’s dreams of an Ivy League education are pretty much shot to hell.  But, hey, I hear the Women’s Wrestling Federation is hiring!

But Spencer isn’t the only one who seems to be hating on Emily.  Back at La Casa de Marin, Hanna is also giving her the cold shoulder.  AWK-WARD . . . especially considering that, last I checked, these two were sharing a bedroom.  Emily doesn’t mind too much though.

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After all, she got a Really Cool and Mysterious Fax.   Maybe it’s from the Womens’s Wrestling Federation.  Meanwhile . . .

Frowny Fitzy and Avoidant Aria

Aria’s skipping through town with her used-to-be-crazy for about three episodes Little Brother Mike.  (By the way, does anyone else think Little Brother Mike kind of looks and acts like Little Brother Jeremy from The Vampire Diaries?  Just wondering . . .)

Little Brother Mike tells Aria that he’s happy he has a nice new therapist, and that people don’t look at him like he’s a Bobble Head anymore.  This caused me to wonder how exactly people look, when they are looking at a Bobble Head.  Do they just nod a lot?

The Montgomery duo run into Fitzy in town.  So, Aria, being super slick, and not-at-all obvious . . .

. . . tells Little Brother Mike to go throw out her coffee cup in the Trashcan Far, Far Away.  Little Brother Mike complies, but not without looking at Fitzy, like he’s a Bobble Head.  (See what I did there? ;))  Apparently, Aria’s been giving Fitzy the Big Freeze, ever since Wacky Jackie threatened to have her former honey fired from Hollis College, if Aria continued to see him.

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This probably would have been a REALLY good time for Aria to tell Fitzy that his latent-onset psycho ex-fiance will most likely come after him with an axe screaming, “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN,” if the two are seen together.  But hey, Pretty Little Liars wouldn’t be Pretty Little Liars if all the characters didn’t keep completely unnecessary secrets from one another.  And besides, Little Brother Mike is back from his trek to the Trashcan Far, Far Away.  So, it’s hasta la vista, for now, Dear Fitzy . . .

“Toodles!” 

Elsewhere . . .

We’ll get you, Policeboy Garrett! (And your creepy blind girlfriend too.)

Clearly having picked up a thing or two about creepy fortune-cookie-esque taglines from “A,” Spencer confronts the traitorous Police Boy Garrett.  She does this, pretty much just to make fun of his now-public relationship with Blind Jenna  . . .

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(If by “interesting” you mean “stomach-turning” and “vomit-inducing,” then, yes, they certainly are “interesting,” Spencer.)

Spencer also wants to freak to Police Boy Garrett out, by making him think that she’s on to his involvement in their frame-up and/or Ali’s murder, and/or A’s antics .  . .

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I’d say her intimidation tactics were successful, but it’s really hard to tell.  After all, Police Boy Garrett only seems to possess one facial expression: the “I Just Got Laid by a Minor” look . . .

Given that, it’s often difficult to determine whether he is scared, angry, smug, or just really has to pee . . .

GIRLFIGHT: Part Deux

Things continue to go from crappy to crappier for Poor, Newly-Outcasted, Emily Fields.  We find out that the fax she received earlier in the episode was actually a clean bill of health from that time “A” put steroids in her skin cream.

Don’t do it. NOOOOOOO! 

An excited Emily approaches her athletic advisor with the results,  hoping that she can finally rejoin the swim team.  The problem, of course, is that Emily is a murder suspect.  And I guess the thought that one of your teammates might bash your head in with a shovel in the locker room is “bad for team morale,” or whatever.  Then again, that Paige chick ALMOST DROWNED SOMEONE.  And she still got to swim.  Lame . . .

 To make matters worse, Emily almost comes to blows with Spencer in English class, when the two knock into one another, conveniently sending one another’s books flying across the floor.  (Wink, wink.)

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This prompts “A” to send Emily a text message . . .

. . . and Emily to respond, in a way that would only make sense if “A” happened to be in the same English class . . .

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After class, Emily is at her locker, when she comes upon a book she accidentally/ on purpose took from Spencer.  (It’s The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers.  I’m not really sure that’s relevant.  But I figured, it couldn’t hurt.) Inside the book is a note instructing Emily to meet SOMEONE at 10:30 p.m. that night.  Emily complies.  And, SURPRISE!  It’s the rest of the girls.

Apparently, all this “Hating on Emily” was just a Big Ole Ruse to make her look like the Weakest Link, and get “A” to meet her.  Clever, right?  Yeah, I didn’t think so either.  But it did give the actresses a chance to wrestle!  So, yay to the writers for that . . .

Lucas Flirts with Hanna / Has an Online Gambling Problem (?) / Gets His Heart Broken

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Though I love me some sexy Haleb action just as much as the next girl, I’m still a Lucas / Hanna shipper at heart.  So, of course, the nerd girl inside of me did a little Happy Dance, when I found out that Lucas has been keeping Hanna company, while his bromantic buddy, Caleb, is soaking up the sun in California with his Rich Bio Mom . . .

Apparently, Lucas has been spending whatever time he’s not actually with Hanna, combing the internet for pictures of her in her prison jumpsuit . . . which, to him, is probably almost (but not quite) as good as porn.  I think it’s super sweet that Lucas is willing to take down all these pictures to spare Hanna’s “pristine” image.

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But Lucas is no dummy.   He knows an opportunity for flirtation when he sees one.  And so, he cleverly manages to sneak into the conversation the fact that he thinks Hanna looks “pretty,” even in prison garb . . .

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You’ve got to admit, the Dude’s got game.  Speaking of game, this was the Super Mysterious Website he had on his screen, before Hanna sat down next to him . . .

It looks like some sort of online sports gambling site.  Perhaps, in addition to a successful eBay Auction career, and expert finder of Hanna Marin pictures, our adorkable, innocent, chlorine intolerant, Lucas is also a bookie.  Who knew?

It recently occurred to me that Lucas is not only a Mini Seth Cohen from The O.C.

He also may very well be the future lovechild of Leonard and Penny from The Big Bang Theory.  (Yes, I watch way too much television.)

How else would you explain his feeble attempt to interest Hanna in the fascinating world of comic books and graphic novels?

But alas, this little foray into geekdom will be short-lived.  Not long after the the Beauty and the Geek duo return to Hanna’s house,  they find Mr. Sexy Pants, himself, Caleb, right there waiting for them.

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It becomes immediately apparent that the Caleb / Lucas bromance is starting to sour, when Lucas not-so-subtly implies that he liked Caleb much better when he was living in California, as opposed to regularly boning their mutual dream girl.

Lucas then wryly lectures Caleb on possibly leading Hanna on, if he plans on staying in California, for the long term.   It’s a nice gesture, on Lucas’ part, but, at the same time, a bit self-serving.  And I say this as a Lucas Fan . . .  (Please don’t let him be “A” or Ali’s killer . . . pretty please, Writers!  I beg you!)

Elsewhere, in Unrequited Love Land . . .

Spoby on the Rocks .  . . with a Rocking Chair

Apparently, Spencer took A’s thinly veiled threat regarding Abs Toby’s safety VERY seriously . . . so seriously, in fact, that she hasn’t said a word to him, since she unceremoniously dumped him in his car, one month ago.  But when the going get dumped, the dumped build rocking chairs.  And that’s exactly what Toby does for Spencer . . . you know . . . because she’s secretly an 80-year old woman with a bad back and arthritis . . .

But Spencer doesn’t want anything to do with Toby, or his senior citizen gift (or, at least that’s what she wants him to think).  And she tells him as much  .  .  “Forget about me,” she tells him, coldly.  “Worry about your sister and that cop boyfriend of hers,” she concludes, before stalking into her house.

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Poor Abs Toby.  I blame the rocking chair . . . if he had only taken off his shirt, instead, things might have gone differently . . .

GIRLFIGHT III: Now with more Liars . . .

At the school swim meet, Abs Toby confronts his pal Emily, to ask her why Spencer is suddenly acting like such a Raging Biatch.  Emily, of course, has to pretend that her and Spencer aren’t friends anymore, so that they can keep up their ruse with “A.”  And she too, blows off Toby.

After the match, the girls stage their Big Fight for “A.”  During it, Emily asks Spencer for the box that Jason gave Aria, which purportedly contains Ali’s things, and a “Big Clue as to A’s Identity.”  Backed by the other girls, Spencer angrily refuses to tell Emily the location of the box.  And Emily threatens to find it, and steal it.  Moments later, Emily receives yet-another text from “A.”  It says . . . (drumroll please) . . .

Those watching the altercation include Lucas, Caleb, Garrett, and Toby . . . along with . . . well . . . I guess the rest of the school, just to narrow it down for ya!

Ezria Comes Out of the Closet / Gets a Fat Lip

Under the guise of returning a book to Ezra, Aria sneaks into his office at Hollis College, while he’s teaching a class, in order to leave him a love note of some sort.  Of course, who should walk in to witness this but Wacky Jackie . . .

And she’s ANGRY!  Aria has DISOBEYED her, and now SHE WILL PAY!  Or will she?  Because Fitzy just so happens to have heard the WHOLE THING!  And he is not amused by his batsh*t crazy, faux-tanned, ex’s antics.  This discovery prompts Aria to FINALLY come clean about why she dumped Fitzy in the first place, which, in turn, prompts Fitzy to decide that he and Aria should come “out” to her parents, ASAP . . .

Oh, the awkwardness of this moment!  I was squirming in my seat, as Fitzy, looking like a frightened child faced down Aria’s parents.  All he really had to do was tell them that he and Aria were dating now.  Or better yet, a t-shirt might have sufficed . . .

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But noooooo!  Fitzy had to be all honest.  He just HAD to tell Aria’s parents that he LOOOOOOVEED Aria, and that he’d been dating her the WHOLE TIME he was her teacher.  Now, I’m not saying, they would have taken the news better, if it was a bit more edited down, but it certainly would have been worth a shot.

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That said, I was proud of Aria  for having the courage to stand up, walk over to Fitzy, and hold his hand.  It was a nice moment of solidarity between these two.  Plus, I’m pretty sure her brave actions kept poor Fitzy from pooping in his pants . . .

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 Now, we all know how Mama Montgomery reacted, when she thought Fitzy was diddling Spencer.  So, the fact that she took news of her own daughter’s May/December romance with the English teacher badly was no surprise.

But Papa Montgomery?  Mr. I Made Out with a Student Young Enough to Be My Kid in Front of my Own Daughter and Made Her Promise Not to Tell Her Mother?  You would think that he, of all people, would at least pretend to be a bit more understanding . . .

*cough* douchebag *cough* 

Yet, things are about to get worse for Fitzy.  Of course, Daddy Hypocrite promptly kicks him out of the house.   But before he can go, Little Brother Mike dashes down the stairs to give his sister’s not-so-new lover a little parting gift.  I’ll give you a hint.   It’s something that rhymes with “lunch.”

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Sayonara, Poor Man’s Megan Fox Wacky Jackie

Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, hey, hey, hey, GOOOODBYEEEEEE! 

Understandably, Fitzy heads back to Hollis to lick his wounds and get faded on that fancy Scotch he supposedly doesn’t like to drink.  Then, in walks Jackie with her smug face that I want to reach into the screen and pound into a flat pancake . . .

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Apparently, Fitzy feels the same way, because he threatens her with the awesomest one liner to ever emerge from his mouth . . .

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He even manages to add a hint of Crazy Eyes to the line delivery, which just makes the statement all the more awesome.  Suddenly, I have this great image of Fitzy going all Terminator on Wacky Jackie’s ass . . .  Now, that’s an episode I’d want to see . . .

As for Hobag’s now completely useless threats against Aria, Fitzy had these final words to say . . .

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Balls . . . Fitzy has them . . . who knew?

The Return of Dipsh*t Daddy, Evil Kate, and (Slighty Creepy Again,This Week) Abs Toby . . .

Poor Emily . . . she’s got no luck this week.  Here she is FINALLY waiting at the greenhouse to confront A, and NONE of her friends are on time meeting her.  First there’s Aria, who’s grounded for having a teacher boyfriend.  Interestingly enough, she ends up getting a helping hand out of the house, from none-other-than Little Brother Mike, who offers her an escape route, as a way of apologizing for beating up her boyfriend.  Apparently, he only did it, so that his father wouldn’t get a chance.  Way to stick it to the Man, Little Brother Mike . . .

Then Hanna has to meet with her Douchey Daddy, who tells her that he’s moving his whole new family, including that beast of a stepdaughter Kate to Rosewood, in order to punish Hanna for stopping the wedding help the Marins become one big happy family again.  Ugh!  KATE!  I thought we were rid of that evil wench . . .

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Spencer can’t leave, because Toby has accosted her in her home, once again.  Oddly enough, he seems to have taken Emily’s side, in their faux-fight, after the swim match, and is accusing Spencer of turning into Ali.  Woah!  Tobster, comparing a woman to a dead b*tch is not exactly the way to win back her heart!  Just sayin . . .

Spencer pushes past Toby, promising him that she will explain everything, tomorrow, provided he promises to let her go, and not follow her.

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And if you believe he kept his promise, I have a bridge to sell in you in Brooklyn for a dollar . . .

“A” Does Some Gardening with Emily’s Face, Hanna Gets Revenge, and we get a cliffhanger . . . 

Ugh!  I know this was an exciting scene.  And it had a great final payoff.  But this was the part of the episode that frustrated me the most.  You ever watch one of those cartoons, where the super villain has this GREAT opportunity to kill the main protagonist?  But he mucks it up, by taking like FIVE MINUTES to explain his entire master plan, before pulling the trigger?

That’s how I felt about Emily, when she confronted her black-hoodie wearing nemesis in the greenhouse, in the final moments of this episode.  Now, granted, perhaps, she was just stalling, while waiting for the rest of the girls to arrive.  But really, there were so many ways she could have unmasked “A” in this scene.

Annoyance aside, the smug expression on Emily’s face, when she revealed to  A, that she FINALLY got the upper hand on him or her, by getting him or her to come all the way out in the middle of nowhere, just to look inside, what ended up being an empty box, was full of win.  Kudos to Shay Mitchell for an excellent perfomance in this scene.

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And yet, really, did she have to SHOW “A” the box?  Wouldn’t it have made sense for Emily to ask “A” to reveal him or herself, BEFORE giving up the information?  Or, perhaps she could have told “A” to “come and get” the box, and ripped the hood off his or her head, once she got close enough to do it.

Another option would have been to stall, until all the girls got there, and had them all jump out and tackle “A” together, ripping off his or her hoodie, before the villain knew what hit him or her.  Of course, my favorite option, by far would be for the PLL’s to install a camera inside the box, so that it snapped a picture of “A,” once he or she opened it, and sent a picture of the culprit to one of the PLL girl’s cell phones.

But alas, Emily did none of these things.  And this gave “A” the opportunity to ATTACK HER WITH NUMEROUS GARDEN TOOLS, BREAK GLASS OVER HER HEAD, and TRY TO STRANGLE HER . . .

Folks, that’s not good . . .

Luckily, Aria and Spencer arrived just in time to prevent “A” from KILLING Emily.  But they didn’t get their fast enough to catch “A”, before he or she managed to escape the greenhouse on foot.  You know who DID sort-of catch A, though?  HANNA . . . WITH HER CAR!  Seriously, how great is that? (Payback’s a b*tch!)

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Of course, in any normal world, getting hit by a car, while wearing a hood, would cause one’s hood to fall off, thereby revealing the victim’s identity.  But no such luck here, as “A’s” sweatshirt is apparently made of Kryptronite or some other supernatural material that renders it impervious to impact by cars.  Additionally, it is important to note that while Hanna nearly lost HER life from being hit by “A’s” car back in season one, “A” managed to get up and run away, without so much as a scratch on him or her.  Go  figure!

But Hanna’s not all that upset about this.  She just wants to know if any of her pals managed to figure out A’s sex, while fondling the perpetrator in the greenhouse . . .

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Silly Little Liars!  They had “A” right in their clutches, and no one thought to try and get to second base . . . pity!  And yet, there is a silver lining to this cloud.  You see, the impact of Hanna’s car might not have caused “A” to lose his or her hood.  But it did cause “A” to lose a CELL PHONE . . .

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 Uh oh, “A”!  It looks like you really do have something to be afraid of, now . . .

The final moments of the episode, show a rather frantic, and pissed-off “A” looking desperately for his or her cell phone, which we know the girls have already stolen.  He or she then breaks the window to (I think) Hanna’s car, which, honestly, I’m not sure why she left there.  It seems like a particularly boneheaded thing to do, under the circumstances.  But hey, what do I know?

Next week’s Pretty Little Liars’ promises lots of cell phone hacking antics, an in-car smooch, and a whole lot of yelling . . . You can check out the promo here.  (I haven’t managed to find the Canadian promo yet.  But as soon as I do, I will most certainly be sure to share.)

So, what did you think about the Mid Season premiere?  Were you fooled by the girls’ faux fighting?  Are you happy that Caleb is back, and that Ezria is finally out of the closet?  Have any new theories as to who “A” might be, based on the clues we received in this episode?  Oh, and where the hell was Blind Jenna or Mona, during all of this?  And, more importantly . . . WHERE’S MY WREN?

Until next time, my Pretties . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Beware of Ugly Baby Head – A Recap of the Pretty Little Liars’ Halloween Special “The First Secret”

“Hey Baby!  You’re cute!  Wanna go out sometime?” 

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week, the makers of Pretty Little Liars offered us VERY IMPATIENT fans of the series a little treat to tide us over, during the show’s interminable hiatus.  Or, perhaps, I should say, a TRICK OR TREAT . . .

“Mmm . . . a human hand . . . yummy.  (Tastes like chicken.)”

I’ll be honest.  I went into “The First Secret” not expecting too much.  After all, this was an out-of-season “special”  . . . one that many fans of the show probably won’t even see, given the random time during which it aired.  How many clues could they REALLY reveal, during an hour like this?   I thought to myself, as I sat down to watch the show, this past Wednesday night.  Well, as it turns out, the answer to that question is A LOT!

In many ways, “The First Secret” was a gift to both loyal fans of the show, and readers of the PLL book series.  The episode succeeded in:

 (1) capturing the spooky mood of Halloween;

(2) providing a fresh coat of paint to a series that was beginning to show signs of a slight sophomore slump;

Sorry . . . it had to be said. 

(3) answering a lot of questions that viewers have wondered about, since the pilot episode; and

(4) offering viewers a treasure trove of new clues and theories to ponder over, between now, and January, when Season 2 returns.

Not bad for a “stand-alone special,” right?  You know what would have made the episode PERFECT though?  A little WREN . . .

But hey, we can’t always get EVERYTHING we want, right?  So, suit up in your favorite costume (as long as it isn’t Lady Gaga), and keep your cell phone handy for any phantom texts from “A,” because it’s time to learn “The First Secret” . . .

(Special thanks go out to Home of the Nutty, for most of the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Bad Twin?

Either Ali is SUPER self-absorbed (which, we already know she is), or her and Vampire Jason have another sibling .  . .

My favorite parts of this episode were the ones that seemed to suggest that either Ali HAD a psycho twin sister, once locked away in the looney bin, who was now out for revenge, or that she WAS the psycho twin sister.  The most obvious hint of this was the “scary story” Ali told the little boy she and Hanna were babysitting at the beginning of the episode,  The story in question revolved around two twin little girls, who played dolls with one another, until one went nuts and stabbed the other.

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Then, the stab-happy sister gets shipped to a mental institution.

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The dolls the two girls in the scene play with look similar to the one we find in Ali’s “Secret Box” later in the episode.  Another hint to the fact that there may be some truth to Ali’s story, is the arrival of the Radley’s Sanitarium truck (a clever To Kill a Mockingbird reference), which pulls up outside the abandoned Rosewood home, shortly after Ali finishes her tale.

After Ali finishes her story, we are treated to a Halloween-themed version of the original PLL opening sequence, which is AWESOME!  It basically takes the already-creepy theme song, and Pretty Dead Girl Images, and makes them even more spine tingling, by throwing thunder, lightning, and strategic blood splatters into the mix.

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“I’m Watching You”

Note to self: Hanging out in creepy abandoned houses, is a great opportunity to look up girls’ skirts – A.

The actual episode begins, in October 2008, about a year before the events in the pilot take place.  Still-alive Ali, is walking with Fat Hanna, Goth Aria, Nerdy Spencer, and Shy Closeted Tomboy Emily.  The group is trying to decide whether Hanna should shave her head, so that she can be Bald Crazy Brittany Spears for Halloween . . .

Ahhh .  . . memories. 

Of course, given that Hanna is currently donning a ridiculous looking fat-suit  a bit on the hefty side, shaving her head would probably make her look more Buddha than Britney.  So, instead, she opts for Britney’s “Hit Me Baby, One More Time” naughty school girl incarnation.

“But Hanna, if you show your tummy, everyone will see your FAT SUIT!” 

Then, Bushy Eyebrows Noel (whose eyebrows resembled furry caterpillars far less, back in 2008, by the way) drives up in his “super cool” car, with his “super cool” varsity friends.  This happens, so that Noel can flirt shamelessly with Ali (Apparently, these two were an item, back in the day?), and invite all of the PLL girls to his “super cool” Halloween party, which will take place at his “super cool” house.

On second thought, they were actually just as bushy . . . 

For Ali, being invited to Old Caterpillar Eye’s party is no big deal.  But to the rest of the girls, it’s . . . like .  . . OMG .  . . the best thing EVER!  The foursome decide to get ready for the party together in Spencer’s room, because Spencer is filthy rich.

SPENCER:  “I am wearing ugly glasses, and a dorky belt, so you can tell that I am a ‘NERD’.”

ARIA: “I am wearing pink streaks in my hair, and a rocker tee, so that you can tell that I am a ‘GOTH.'”

EMILY: “I have a boyfriend, because I don’t want you to know yet that I am a ‘LESBIAN.'”

After Noel drives off with his friends, to go mutilate puppies, or whatever it is that “cool,” Bushy Eyebrowed boys do with their spare time, the rest of the girls take a few moments to talk about the SCARY ABANDONED HOUSE, that seems to have a SCARY ABANDONED PERSON in it, who was brought over by the SCARY MENTAL HOSPITAL TRUCK, which the girls, of course, fail to notice.  Do you guys smell something?  I think that’s the scent of FORESHADOWING . . .

 Barbie’s Dream House, it ain’t!

Emily walks off by herself and comes upon Not YetAbs Toby, who, at this point, is still Creepy Toby.  Creepy Toby is SUPER DEPRESSED, apparently, because his dad just married this witch Soon-to-Be-Blind Jenna’s mom.  So, now he has to help Soon-to-Be Blind Jenna unpack her sh*t, including her Ugly Ass Snow Globe Collection, which, as we know from future episodes, will eventually fill the family living room with glass encased weirdness . . .

“Shouldn’t she have packed this in a box, or something.  How did it not break on the trip over here?”


“Don’t be sad, Tobster.  Once you stop picking your nose, get a better haircut, and start taking off your shirt more often, you will get a hot girlfriend, and recappers will stop calling you Creepy.”

Later, at the Costume Store, we get to hang out with the not-dead-yet Ali . . .

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Fake Smile Alert!

Ali is skipping around the costume shop when, OH NO, someone comes behind her and grabs her face.  WHO COULD IT BE?  (IS IT  .  . . A?)

Don’t worry kiddies, it’s just Bushy Eyebrows Noel . . . again.

“Fooled ya!” 

Then Ali looks over and sees Not-Blind-Jenna lurking around the Lady Gaga costumes (or, as Ali calls her . . . since, they are like “close” or something) “Lady G.”

Why be Lady Gaga, when you can be Ugly Baby Head?  Didn’t you know that all the cool kids are dressing up as Ugly Baby Head, this year! 

Ali is FURIOUS that some new soon-to-be-blind chick has the NERVE to attend a costume party in HER costume.  So, she decides to go and give this Jenna B*tch a real piece of her mind . . .  Of course, she does it in that, “so nice, it’s evil,” way that mean girls have of dominating social situations.  In Not-Yet-Blind Jenna’s defense, she doesn’t seem at all intimidated by Ali’s Alpha Female antics . . .

ALI:  “You may be laughing now, but you’re going to be a blind, freakish brother f*&ker, by this time next year.”

NOT-YET-BLIND-JENNA: “And you’ll be DEAD.   So . . . I WIN!”

Moments later, Ali gets a text on her 2008-era cell phone.  It could be from the infamous “A.”  Or it could be from one of the other 80 people who seem to enjoy stalking Ali.  It’s hard to tell, honestly . . .

Least creative stalker message, EVER! 

Ali turns nervously, and finds herself face to face with . . . you guessed it . . . UGLY BABY HEAD!  She calls him (or her) a freak, and stalks out of the costume shop.

Hello, Creepy Pedo Not-Yet-Zombie Ian and Fitzy!


“I’m totally putting this on YouTube.  That’s been invented already, hasn’t it?”

Creepy Pedo, Not-Yet-Zombie Ian are at Spencer’s house.  And Creepy Pedo is videotaping Ali, while she talks about her smelly grandma.  (Why do people always assume old people smell bad.  For the record, my grandma always smelled AWESOME.  Just sayin.)  Then, Spencer comes down the stairs, with Melissa, who is being weirdly nice to her little sister, as she helps her with her speech for the upcoming school election.

“In less than a year, one of you will be dead, and one of you will be carrying a Demon Child in her womb.  I bet you can’t guess which one is which!” 

Melissa, who is dating Ian at this time (pre-Wren, of course), talks about how Spencer will definitely win the election because she is a Hastings.  She also notes that her and Ian will be dressing up for Halloween as Bonnie and Clyde.  Awww, how cute.  *gags*  There is some tension between Ali and Melissa, which, likely can be attributed to the fact that Ali is secretly boning Melissa’s boyfriend.  But Spencer doesn’t seem to notice . . .

“Hey Spencer’s sister, maybe if you were better at sex, your boyfriend wouldn’t have to get his jollies, by boning every pre-teen in town.”

Meanwhile, over at Hollis College, Aria has a chance encounter with a special someone . . .

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Awww, he waved at her!  How cute!

Aria, not at Hollis to see Fitzy though (She doesn’t even KNOW him yet.)  She’s actually there to visit her  cheating turd of a dad.  When she arrives at his office, some slutty chick is sitting on Daddy’s couch, totally making herself at home.

“Your dad is such a nice guy, Aria.  He always lets all the girls in his class take naps on his office couch.  And only one of them ended up pregnant, as a result!” 

Aria asks her dad about the random chick on his couch.  But he kind of blows it off as “no big deal.”

“I swear Aria, I’ve never seen this girl in my life!  *mouths to Meredith*  (Psst . . . Don’t forget to pick up your thong from under my desk.)”

Beware of Deputy Douchies!

Hey Hanna!  We get that you’re supposed to be “Hefty.”  You don’t have to rub it in our faces by wearing CAKE PAJAMAS!” 

Hanna is home alone watching a SCARRRRY MOVIE, when her lights flicker, and there is a scraping sound at her window . . .


Then the phone rings.  It’s a Breather . . . you know those people who call you on the phone and start wheezing into the mouthpiece, so they sound like Santa Claus having an asthma attack?  Hanna hangs up the phone, super creeped out, only to have it ring again, the minute she returns the phone to its cradle.  It’s THIS GUY . . .

JUST KIDDING!  It’s ONLY Ali!  She wants to know is Hanna happened to be at the costume shop today, dressed as Ugly Baby Head, or if she sent her a phantom not particularly stalker text message on her cell phone.  Hanna did neither of these things . .  . probably because she was too busy adjusting her fat suit eating, or something.

The doorbell rings.  And Hanna nervously rises to answer it.  It’s her mom, and Deputy Douchey, who is currently just Douchey Cop.  (Now . . . why didn’t Hanna’s mom have keys to her own house?  Weird.)

“Hello, Hanna.  Would you, perhaps, have any interest in engaging in a threesome, with myself and your mom?   I brought protection.” 

To be honest, it’s kind of refreshing to know that Hanna’s mom already knew Deputy Douchey, back when she boned him in the pilot episode, so that he would drop Hanna’s shoplifting charges.  This makes Hanna’s mom seem like way less of a ho-bag, than I initially thought she was.  Anywhoo . . . Hanna’s mom, was apparently drunk as a skunk at some bar.  So, Deputy Douchey offered to drive her home in hopes of getting laid out of the kindness of his heart.  Douchey Cop makes some not-so-subtle suggestions that he be invited inside for a quickie cup of coffee.  But Hanna and her mom are clearly not interested.  And so, he reluctantly leaves.

Hanna and her mom then briefly discuss their financial troubles, and Hanna’s dad’s new girlfriend, before Hanna’s mom passes out on the couch.  YAY for Good Parenting!

*sigh* “I guess I’ll go eat my feelings, now.” 

“Shy on the streets.   Sexy in the sheets (or in the backseat of a car).” 

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The next day at lunch, the girls are all gossiping about a rumor Wifebeater Ben apparently started, about his having sex with Emily.  Emily alludes to the fact that this rumor might be true.  And all the girls seem surprised, excited, and a bit jealous to hear about it . . .

“I’m not sexually attracted to girls.  Not me . . . no sir . . .”

Then, Nerdy Mona comes by, and all the girls laugh, as Ali humiliates the crap out of her . . .

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So, Mona has to go sit at the NERD Table with Lucas.  FOR SHAME!

“Awww, man!  Tuna for lunch, AGAIN!” 

Did I mention before that Spencer is running for Class President?  Because she IS . . . And she has way better posters than that lame chick “Dana Williams.”   (To compare both posters, simply scroll up three pictures.)

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I only mention this, because I have this theory that “Dana Williams,” Spencer’s opponent, is actually “Not-Now-Dana.”  a.k.a. the Random Girl Who Just Got Eaten by Stefan on TVD . . .

After school, we are treated to that flashback from the pilot, where Aria learned of her dad’s affair, by finding him hooking up in the backseat of his car, with that slut, Meredith.  Only this time,  we have the joy of experiencing it in Real Time . . .  (Mona sees it happen too!)

“Tra la la . . . eating yogurt is fun.  (And not at all fattening.)” 

“Wait for ME!  I LIKE EATING YOGURT TOO!”

“What a LOSER!  She is SO not touching our yogurt.  Hey, isn’t that your dad, making out with the slutty student who was laying on his couch, with her legs open, earlier in the episode?”

“Hey, you’re not my Mommy.  Why is your tongue cleaning my Daddy’s teeth?”

BUSTED!

Vampire Jason Strikes Again . . . (and so does Douchey Cop)

“I want to suck your blood . . . but first, let me give you this Mysterious Package.” 

That night, Ali is home in her bedroom, which may or may not feature a picture of her Evil Twin Sister on the bedroom wall, when Jason comes in to talk about “making a movie.”  He’d like to tell Ali what that movie is about, but if he told her he’d “HAVE TO KILL HER!”  (I smell foreshadowing again!)   After Jason leaves, Ali opens the box and finds a voodoo doll in it.   The doll comes with a note . . .


“OMG!  This is the ugliest doll I’ve ever seen.  I’m so going to bully it at school.  And make it’s life a living hell.”

“Well, that’s not very nice!”

Ali then does what most of us do, when we receive creepy voodoo dolls with threatening messages attached to them.  She opens her heater vent, and pulls out another box.  Wait . . . WHAT?

The box contains an ugly doll that looks surprisingly similar to the one the two girls played with in Ali’s scary story.  There’s also a necklace in there of some sort.  (I suspect this was the box Jason gave to Aria, earlier in the season.)  Ali unscrews the dolls head, and puts the “I’m going to torture you” note inside.  Then she closes up the box, and puts it back in the heater.  I guess Ali doesn’t want anyone to know she still plays with dolls . . .

It’s just a letter . . . nothing to lose your HEAD over . . . 

Back at Hanna’s house, Douchey Cop pops over again.  And this time he’s REALLY insistent on coming inside.  But he gets REJECTED.  Hanna seems concerned.  But her mom, doesn’t think much of it.  “He’s just a horny cop.  I’m sure we won’t see him again . . . ”  Riiiiiiight.

“Kiss me, I’m Douchey . . .” 

“Kiss me, I’m wrapped in a towel, and staring at your butter.”

Everybody cries . . . sometimes

“I’m not crying because I might lose the election.  I’m crying because I REALLY HATE TO SEW!” 

Now, Ali is at Spencer’s house.  (Girlfriend gets AROUND!)  Spencer is crying, because she’s afraid she won’t win the class election.  And, if she loses, her dad will think she’s a total loser!  So, Ali vows to make sure that Spencer wins the election . . . probably by paying Stefan to eat Not Now Dana . . . (It’s all starting to make sense now.)

Over at Aria’s house, Aria and her dad, are having an incredibly awkward conversation, in which Aria’s dad has the NERVE to tell his daughter not to rat him out for boning that student, because finding out would make his mom SAD . . . or something.  Yeah, he’s a TOTAL A$$HOLE, Aria!  I’m glad “A” told on his ass . . .

“Please don’t tell your Mom, I’m a total loser, who wears way-too-tight shirts, and who she never should have married . . .” 

*sniffle*  “I think she already knows.”

“I don’t think I can ever forgive you for this,” whispers Aria, as she storms out of the room.

Then she cries.  And her dad cries. And I cry.  We ALL cry . . .

 

Fake Sex, Hermaphodites, and Election Wins . . .

The next day, Ali suggests that Emily go on the pill, since she’s apparently started boning Wife Beater Boyfriend Ben.  Emily admits to Ali that they didn’t really have sex.  This causes Ali to wonder why Emily let everyone believe that Ben “took the VIP tour to Never Never Land . . .”

We know that Emily only did this so no one know she’s really gay.  But she makes some excuse about planning to bone Wife Beater Ben in the future, anyway, so why not let people think she’s doing it now.  Yeah . . .  that makes sense . . . not really . . . but OK, Emily.

At school, Aria claims to be COOL with her Dad being incapable of keeping his weiner in his pants.  But the ugly hat she is wearing says otherwise . . .

“Hanna eats her feelings.  I wear them on my head.” 

Then Spencer wins class president election.  YAY!  (In other news, Not Now Dana is Dead.)

“Hooray!”

“That b*tch!”

Also, Lucas is wearing a dorky pumpkin t-shirt.  And spilled soda on Ali.  So, she called him a hermaphodite.  You know, because people with both kinds of private parts, are very clumsy, and like to wear orange . . .

Don’t worry.   I’ll lick it off you.” 

After the girls leave, Lucas tells Mona that Ali will one day “get what’s coming to her.”

It’s Party Time . . . (and quite possibly time to DIE!)

As promised, the girls all get ready for Noel’s SUPER COOL Halloween party at Spencer’s house, where . . . SOMEONE MAYBE WATCHING THEM . . .

After the rest of the girls leave, Aria seems not so psyched about attending the party.  So, Ali blackmails her to go, by threatening her that, if she doesn’t, Ali will tell everyone about her dad’s affair with the Student Slutbag . . .

“Wow!  You really are a terrible human being, you know that?  No wonder half the cast of this show are suspects in your murder.” 

“I know.   And my Lady Gaga costume sucks too . . .”

At the Halloween Party, Spencer has dressed up as Bloody Mary . . . but not the cool, scary, pops out of bathroom mirrors, Bloody Mary, the boring historical one . . .

Spencer has made the Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls mistake of not dressing up as something sexy, while attending a Super Cool Halloween party.  (For shame.)  Busy Eyebrows Noel is dressed as a doctor.  (Yeah . . . because THAT’s creative.)  And a whole lot of people came to the party as Ugly Baby Head . . .

But the MOST SHOCKING THING OF ALL IS THAT NOT-YET-BLIND JENNA HAD THE NERVE TO GO TO THE PARTY AS LADY GAGA!

And what’s worse, she’s a WAY HOTTER LADY GAGA THEN ALI!

Knowing that she’s been beaten at her own game, Ali offers Not-Yet-Blind Jenna a spot in her SUPER ELITE circle.  An offer which Jenna promptly declines.  She’d much rather hang out with Looking A lot Less Nerdy Now, Mona, who is dressed as Cat Woman, thank you very much!

Meow.

Ali won’t let this rejection ruin her party.  So, she makes her way around the room, stopping to flirt with some boys . . .

Source

She also pulls Spencer aside, to show her all the random ballots she STOLE, so that she would win the presidential election.  “I thought you’d like to look at them first.  You’d be surprised at who your friend’s AREN’T.”  Ali notes slyly, before walking away.

OK . . . first of all, where the heck did Ali hide those ballots in her costume?  (Did she put them in her BRA?)  Second of all, aren’t ballots supposed to be anonymous?  Third of all, which PLL girl in her right mind would vote for Not Now Dana, instead of Spencer?  Fourth of all . . . yeah . . . I don’t have a fourth of all . . .

Then Ali sees Emily drooling over Not-Yet-Blind Jenna.  So, of course, she has to make a clever comment about that . . .

Emily LIKE! 

Source

Later, the girls get a text from Ali, claiming that she is stuck at the Creepy Farm House, and that they should come alone . . .

Uh oh!  I hope Ugly Baby Head didn’t take her . . .

Things get kind of spooky, from here on in.  The girls enter the farmhouse, and go up the stairs . . .

Of course, Ugly Baby Head is there.  Because everybody knows Ugly Baby Head never misses a party . . .

“Come play with me.”

The girls here noises, and are really FRIGGIN freaked out.  Then Ali, pokes her head out of a door, claiming that some dude grabbed her.

“Please help me.  I’m too young to die.  (I’ll be old enough in a couple of months.  But I’m too young, now.” 

Ali goes back behind the door to check if the dude is gone, and to call the cops.  But then SHE IS GRABBED BY AN UGLY BABY HEAD!

Want a hug?” 

She screams.  The girls SCREAM.  WE ALL SCREAM!

 

But then, it turns out Ali is OK . . . OR IS SHE?  (Maybe her Evil Twin took her away?)

Source

Back at the party, all these other cast members, have randomly arrived.  Douchey Cop is there, and so are Vampire Jason, Melissa, and Creepy Pedo Not-Yet-Zombie Ian . . .

“For Halloween, I’ve decided to dress up as a slightly less Douchey version of myself .  . .

Bushy Eyebrows Noel is back, except now he’s wearing a costume that looks less like the doctor one he was wearing before, and more like Ugly Baby Head . . .

Ali asks Bushy whether he was the one who grabbed her in the haunted house earlier, signifying that what happened to her up there, may not have been the Big Funny Prank on the rest of the PLL girls, that Ali pretended it to be.  Bushy claims he didn’t do it.  And I believe him, only because I think he’s too stupid to pull something like that off.  Then Lucas appears at the party, and he’s dressed as . . . wait for it . . . UGLY BABY HEAD!  (Surprise!)

WOAH!  Lucas looks SUPER EVIL in this screencap! 

There’s yet another Ugly Baby Head at this party.  But his identity is never revealed.  (Seriously?  The people in Rosewood REALLY need to get more creative about choosing their Halloween costumes.  It’s not like there’s ever been an Ugly Baby Head movie!  How the heck did this costume get so popular?)

At the end of the episoe, we get our first OFFICIAL text from A.  Here it is . . .

*insert evil laugh here*

And that was “The First Secret” in a nutshell.   So, what did you THINK?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Guys and Dolls – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Summer Finale “Over My Dead Body”

HANNA:  “Man, those dolls are ugly!  Do you think they are going to crawl out of the box and try to bite our faces off?  Because I am way too pretty for that . . .”

SPENCER:  “Ummm . . . I don’t think this is that kind of show.”

EMILY:  “Are you sure?   But what about the time when A somehow entered my Alpha Bits box, and made sure it was made up of all letter ‘A’s’ . . . or the time when she INJECTED MY PAIN CREME WITH STEROIDS . . .And don’t even get me started on the time “A” SYSTEMATICALLY REMOVED Ian’s 175-plus pound dead body from the rafters of a church and carried it to who knows where, in a matter of seconds?”

ARIA: “You’re right.  The DOLLS ARE ALIVE!  EVERYBODY RUN!”

True Story . . . When I was about 8 or 9ish, I had a porcelain doll collection that I loved very dearly.  I just thought those dolls were the most beautiful things in the world.  They stayed on a shelf in my room.  I had names for all of them.  And I could spend hours just staring into their round little eyes, and perfect porcelain faces.

In my defense, the dolls in question looked absolutely nothing like these hideous plastic pieces of crap . . . 

Then, I became old enough to watch horror movies . . .  And those horror movies told me that, more likely than not, my doll collection was out to make me do terrible things and/or kill my family and friends and/or tie me to a piece of furniture, while systematically removing various body parts of mine.

So, while most teenagers and young adults were GROWING OUT of the fear that their inanimate objects possessed supernatural powers, I was GROWING INTO mine.  And that’s how my once-beloved porcelain doll collection ended up, first, in the hallway closet, and then, in my basement, and finally (when I moved out of my childhood home), in a box to be shipped off to the neighbors, forever.  (They were probably worth a lot of money too!)

So, what I’m basically saying is, if I was sent a doll in the mail that kind of looked like me, and told me to: stop a wedding, or travel to some desolate area for no good reason, whatsoever, or make somebody “go away,” I don’t think would follow its orders.  In fact, it’s much more likely that I would SMASH IT TO BITS WITH A HAMMER . . . and then go hide under my bed, for the rest of my existence . . .

Why am I telling you this?  Because that’s kind of how I felt about this week’s doll-centric PLL Summer Finale.  It both scared the crap out of me, and made me a little bit angry.  Yet, I was simply too intrigued about what was going to happen next to look away . . .

And so, before I go back to hiding under my bed, my Pretties, I would like to share with you my FINAL PLL recap of the summer season . . .

(By the way, special thanks to PrettyLittleLiarsFan.com for the screencaps you see here . . .)

Lawyer Up, Liars!

The episode begins with three of the four PLL girls (WHERE’S EMILY?) seated, at a long table with dresses on their bodies, pusses on their faces, and strategically-placed bits of dirt on their arms and cheeks.  (Only the PLL girls can take a thing like “having crap on your face” and make it look like “just another layer of foundation.”)  The room in question is the swankiest police interrogation room, I have ever seen  . . . complete with two-way mirror, fancy chandelier, and file cabinets, galore.  There even appear to be PICTURES ON THE WALL.  (Taxes in Rosewood must be SUPER HIGH to pay for this!)

“I’ll get you my Pretties, and your little boyfriends too!” 

Watching the PLL girls from the other side of the two-way mirror is (SURPRISE, SURRPRISE!) Police Boy Garrett.  Man, this guy is like a bad pimple!  No matter how many times you think he’s gone for good, he just keeps popping back up to ruin your social life!  Police Boy Garrett is having a Typical Smug Villain Conversation with Unseen Special Guest Star, who he says, will probably get a promotion for nabbing a bunch of underage chicks in frilly dresses, and mercilessly interrogating them for a murder that, supposedly, has already been solved.  (Remember how “Ian” “confessed?”  Well, apparently, nobody else does either . . .)

“muah hahaha! It looks like I got away with MURDER!  Oh wait . . . I didn’t kill Ali either  . . . and I’m also DEAD.  So . . . nevermind.”

Then Unseen Special Guest Star comes to pay the ladies a personal visit.  He informs them that homicide is a capital offense in the state of Pennsylvania.  And they are “going down.”  (Yes, he actually says “going down,” like someone out of a bad Spiderman comic book.)  Umm . . . yeah . .  . thanks for the little legal lesson, Unseen Special Guest Star.  But, as “tough on crime” as the Great State of Pennsylvania may be, I’m pretty sure homicide is a capital offense EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD.  Just sayin . . .

It isn’t until the final seconds before the theme song starts playing, that we finally get a glimpse of Unseen Special Guest Star’s face.  And while his FACE is, in fact, very familiar, to us old-school PLL fans who’ve been watching the show since the beginning . . . I’d venture to guess that . . .umm . . . other parts of his anatomy are slightly more familiar to us . . .  You’ll see what I mean, in just a moment.

Who the f*&k is THIS GUY? 

OH!  Hi Deputy Douchey!  We’ve missed you! 🙂 

Shrinkypoo . .  . Where are YOU?

A helpful graphic on our screen informs us that time has magically rewound.  It is now twelve hours earlier than it was before.  Meanwhile, our eyes tell us that it is Aria’s turn to wear HER version of the off-the shoulder streetwalker-type outfit worn last week by Emily, and the week before by Spencer (which means, Hanna gets it next week.)  Coincidentally, Aria is also wearing a Snookie from Jersey Shore ponytail poof and oddly uncomfortable-looking door-knocker earrings, that are roughly the size of her entire face . . .

Anywhoo . . . somehow the girls have figured out where Shrinkypoo lives, and they are nosing around her house looking for her.  BUT SURPRISE!  She is NOT THERE, and, from the looks of it, hasn’t been there in quite some time!  (Where can she BE?)

Ever the voice of reason, Spencer informs the girls that it is very likely that “A” KILLED Shrinkypoo, since that’s pretty much what “A” does when people figure out his or her identity.  Spencer just hopes that “A” doesn’t send them all an annoying gloating text message about it, which is ALSO what he/she typically does in situations like this.  Lo and behold, a cell phone goes off, and Spencer, hilariously breaks the fourth wall, and gives a big middle finger to the writers for messing with her . . . or at least that’s what she WOULD have done, if she wasn’t on ABC Family.  But, since she IS on ABC Family, she just says, “That did NOT just happen.”

But happen, it did . . .

“Nice knowin ya, Shrinkypoo!  I’m off to get laid!” 

But don’t worry, my Pretties.  The mysterious message actually wasn’t from “A” for a change.  It was just Maya contacting Emily for a booty call.  (Unless, of course, you believe that Maya is actually “A” . . . which, you know, she might be.  Who knows?)

Lesbi-Friends? NAH!  Lesbi-LOVERS!

Emily and Maya are attempting to “get aquainted” in the bedroom (ahem).  But cockblock flowerblock Hanna can’t take the hint, and keeps needling Maya about what de-gaying camp was like (aside from being obviously ineffective, haha!).

“So, did you actually get to meet Michele Bachmann, or what?” 

Finally, Emily gives Hanna her best death stare, and forces her to leave the premises, IMMEDIATELY.  Hanna sheepishly complies, but not before awkwardly commenting on Maya’s new Tory Burch boots, much to Maya’s obvious discomfort.

 We all know how much Hanna just LOVES those damn Tory Burch boots.  Shrinkypoo had them too.  It’s what made Hanna decide to go into therapy.

I wouldn’t even bring this up.  However, there WAS a scene earlier this season, during which Gloved Hand purchased the same boots that Maya is wearing.  Does that mean Maya is definitely “A”?  Not necessarily, but I’d say it’s enough to make her yet another suspect . . .  Once they’ve kicked Hanna to the curb, Emily and Maya decide to start back as friends, until they “get to know eachother again.”  Meh!  “Knowing eachother” is overrated!  Let’s just get back to the Hot Sex, mmmkay?

Speaking of Hot Sex . . .

Oh BABY!

SPENCER: “So, do you think Facelift Vampire Jason covers up his windows so the sunlight doesn’t burn his skin?” 

TOBY: “Either that, or he must REALLY LIKE TO READ THE NEWSPAPER!”

SPENCER:  “Facelift Vampire Jason can read?”

“I am mesmerizing you with my vampire eyes, and new surfer boy haircut.”

Abs  Toby is screwing “hanging out” on Spencer’s bed again.  Of course, Spoby is relegated to screwing “hanging out” in Spencer’s house, and in the backseat of Abs Toby’s car .  . .

When Abs Toby’s car is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin! 

 . . .  because Blind Jenna frequents Abs Toby’s house.

Blind Jenna: preventing her brother from EVER having sex, one off-key note at a time . .  .

And everybody knows she has Evil Girl Crabs Policeboy Garrett Cooties, which NOBODY wants to catch, least of all Spencer.  Speaking of Abs Toby’s car, it apparently broke down, due to a release in breakline fluid, a car problem which just REEKS of “A” sabotage!

But Toby isn’t too worried about all that.  He’d much rather makeout with Spencer and talk about their future babies.  (WOW, Toby!  How Modern Male, of you.  Just be sure to use protection, so that you don’t end up on the next installment of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant: Rosewood Edition . . .)

TOBY: “If you’d just stop staring at Facelift Vampire Jason, we could start making babies, right now . . .” 

SPENCER:  “Must . . . stare at vampire eyes . . .  cannot . . . look . . . away (though, if you take off your shirt, I might be convinced).”

Abs Toby asks Spencer what she thinks their future kids would look like.  And Spencer, a girl after my own heart, can only think of ONE quality her kids will definitely have:  Abs Toby’s ABS!

Papa Spoby 

Baby Spoby 

What started out as an excellent conversation quickly turns into an uncomfortable one, when Toby begins interrogating Spencer about why her dad was randomly hanging out in Facelift Vampire Jason’s bedroom in the middle of the night.   (Blood exchange?)  Though he doesn’t at all deserve it, Spencer decides to remain loyal to her dad, and not tell Abs Toby about the whole, “My Dad changed Grandma DiLaurentis’ will” thing.  (Riiiiiight, because the guy who got MOLESTED BY HIS OWN STEPSISTER, wouldn’t understand at all what it’s like to have evil family members.)  But when Abs Toby doesn’t buy Spencer’s initial explanation (After all, Spencer Face is NOT the kind to EVER leave a room without getting the whole story, from EVERYONE SHE KNOWS.), she gets a bit testy with him.

“So, your gene pool includes a sociopathic dad, and a heinous b*tch of a sister.  At least our babies will be pretty!” 

Could this be the first sign of cracks in an otherwise perfect relationship?  Speaking of perfect relationships . . .

Hi Honey, Welcome Back!  I have Back Fat . . .

“Mmmmm . .  . back fat .  . . feels . . . squishy!” 

You know how, when you first get into a new relationship, you are always on your absolute best behavior, because you don’t want your new signficant other to know that you have mood swings, or fat days, or frizzy hair, or that you have a tendency to whine, when things don’t go your way?  Yeah . . . apparently Hanna and Caleb are WAAAAAAAAYYYYY past that!  I mean, here comes New-haircut Caleb, fresh from California, and his meeting with the Mom He Never Knew He Had . . . and there’s Hanna talking about puke, and back fat, and ugly dresses . . . three topics which are music to any boy’s ears!  Fortunately, Caleb is so horny, he could really care less.  So, he kisses her deeply, in hopes that she will shut the heck up, and bring him back to the bedroom .  . . or the shower . . . or the tent . . . if you catch my drift . . .

Welcome back, Caleb . . . We really missed your . .  . um . . . assets! 

In other relationship news . . .

Two is Company, and Jackie is a B*tch!

“So, let me get this straight.  I bought you an ENGAGEMENT RING.  And you bought me a cheap styrofoam cup of watered-down coffee from the teacher’s lounge?   Yeah, we’re totally even now.”

Fitzy’s lounging on his massive brown office couch, when Poor Man’s Megan Fox comes bounding by, holding two EXTRA GRANDE cups of coffee, where her boobs are supposed to be  . . .

“Hey there, Fitzy!  Check out my massively large jugs.   They are double S .  . . for Starbucks.” 

By the time Aria arrives with her, much more reasonably sized cups of coffee.  (Unlike Jackie, Aria doesn’t have to worry about Fitzy FALLING ASLEEP while THEY do the deed . . .), Jackie is already all over Fitzy like a bad case of poison ivy.

“I wonder if my massively large earring will fit around her neck.” 

Rather than interrupt this Moment, Aria decides to hang back and listen.  As it turns out, she needn’t have worried.  Fitzy rejects Poor Man’s Megan Fox’s advances SO HARD AND FAST, he practically leaves skid marks on her face!

But wait . . . we interrupt this not particularly sturdy Love Triangle to bring you (SURPRISE) another text from A  . . .

Annnnnnd the plot thickens . . . though, honestly, not by much, considering they showed us this clip in the Much Music promos for the episode.

Playing With Dolls

“Wow, FedEx must have charged a portion to ship THIS!” 

Time flies when you are having fun.  Now it’s only TEN HOURS before the first scene of the episode.  Apparently, sometime during that two-hour timeframe, “A” dropped off a massively large box in Spencer’s living room.  (It’s a good thing Spencer’s mom is never home, her sister left the show, and her dad is always chilling in Facelift Vampire Jason’s room, or someone might have gotten suspicious!)  Not surprisingly, there is no return address on the box.   Just THIS . . .

Is this the part where the creepy girl pops out and says “Seven Days?”  Wait, never mind . .  . wrong movie. 

The girls worry for a few moments that Shrinkypoo’s ear is inside the box.  And, admittedly, Shrinkypoo did have some elf-like ears!  But nope!  No ears or chick from The Ring are hiding in this box, just three ugly dolls . . . one for Aria . . . one for Hanna . . . one for Spencer . . . and NONE FOR EMILY (which, is really kind of RUDE, don’t you think?)

Someone needs to get these dolls a STYLIST, stat!  Last I checked, Pretty Little Liars do NOT wear muumuus!  Oh, and Hanna’s doll looks kind of sweaty . . . not to mention a bit chunkers.  Just sayin’

“What about me?  Where’s MY doll?  What am I, chopped liver?”

 So, here’s the skinny on these dolls.  They all talk funny, and apparently have pertinent instructions that the girls must follow in order to get back their Shrinkypoo . . .

Aria’s says, “Make Jackie go away,” thereby making Aria’s doll my favorite of the bunch!  (I concur, Aria’s doll!)  But Aria’s doll doesn’t come empty handed, she comes bearing gifts, specifically, evidence that Jackie COMPLETELY plagiarized a paper she is getting published on some French artist.  Spencer, who, herself is no stranger to plagiarism, breaks it down for her innocent friends to understand.

Hanna’s doll says “Stop the wedding,” making her my second favorite doll, if only because “stopping the wedding” means, maybe, not having to see that wench Kate, anymore .  . .

My least favorite doll is Spencer’s, who says, “Keep Toby safe,” an ambigious enough line that Spencer somehow interprets as “Dump Toby.”  Ummm . . .  jump to conclusions much, Spencer?

“Dammit!   Now, I’m going to have to have boring, non-six pack having chubby babies like everybody else!” 

Back in present time . . .

Aria Cries and Police Boy Garrett Lies . . .

“It’s so strange officer.  My blind wench of a girlfriend and I stole every single solitary copy of page 5 from Ali’s autopsy.  Page 5 of Ali’s autopsy is MISSING!  WOAH!”

So, remember how Spencer was searching for Ali’s autopsy, but Corpse Dude took the last page out of the records, so that she couldn’t find out, for certain, what murder weapon was used to kill Ali?

Well, it turns out that Corpse Dude may well have been Police Boy Garrett, who tells his superior that EVERY SINGLE COPY of Ali’s autopsy, including the one IN THE COMPUTER is conveniently missing it’s fifth page.  Yeah . . . Police Boy Garrett, like A, needs to get a life . . . seriously.   Meanwhile, Aria makes her “One Phone Call” to a Mystery Person, and blubbers to that person about how she made a “terrible mistake.”  Meanwhile, Policeboy Garrett listens on, twirling his invisible super villain mustache with glee . . .

“I made a really big mistake, by wearing this totally inappropriate skull necklace with my poofy ballet tutu of a wedding dress!  (But it’s supposed to signify that I used to be “goth.”  So, I guess it’s acceptable.) 

Now, we head right back to the past, where there are only SIX HOURS left until the present.  (Are you getting confused yet?  Because I sure am!) . . .

Jackie is Wacky! (And, possibly, on crack-y)

“How is it 2011, and you don’t even have a computer on your desk, Jackie?  Did you, perhaps, use Fitzy’s typewriter to plagiarize your paper?”

Following her doll’s instructions (yeah, it sounds weird to me too), Aria half-assedly confronts Jackie about her plagiarism, and tells her that she THINKS she should leave Hollis.  As I was hoping for a BIG ASS cat fight between these two brunettes, I was, honestly, kind of disappointed, and I think Aria’s doll would have been too.  Aside from not being particularly fun to watch, Aria’s so-called blackmail attempt ended up being ineffective.  SO, ineffective, in fact, that Poor Man’s Megan Fox arrived on Aria’s door step to blackmail HER, right back.  “Rat me out, and I’ll tell the administrators at Hollis about Fitzy’ affair with an underage student.”

Yeahhh Jackie, because THAT’S the way to get back into the heart of the man you supposedly love . . . by publicly accusing him of a pedophile and getting him FIRED from his dream job.  Good thinking, Ass Munch!

“If this was Jennifer’s Body 2: Jennifer’s Revenge, I would open up my big fat mouth and eat your brain for lunch . . “

Another hour has passed.  And it’s Hanna’s and Spencer’s turn to obey their dolls and screw up their lives . . .

Honesty?  What’s that?

It’s almost time for the wedding, and Hanna’s chilling in red robe, trying to figure out how she can stop it.  Enter Douchey Daddy, with his pep talk about how Hanna should accept her NEW mom, even though Douchey is still boning her OLD one.

Hanna wonders out loud why, if Douchey Daddy loves New Mommy as much as he says he does, is he still sleeping in Old Mommy’s bed, and playing Find the Salami with her? 😉  Douchey Daddy admits that when things are going well for him, he has a tendency to screw them up, before someone else gets a chance to do it for him.  Oh, don’t worry, Douchey Daddy!  Something tells me that THIS time, you will be able to just sit back, relax, and leave the screwing up to your daughter!

Speaking of screwing up, Spencer is hanging out in Abs Toby’s Death Mobile, ready and waiting to murder their relationship, one harsh word at a time . . .

Honestly, Spencer’s excuse for dumping Poor Tobs is pretty lame.  She, more or less, tells him that she was lying to him about what her father told her about Facelift Vampire Jason.  And, that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her Big Bad Family Secrets with him.  Like I said, NO ONE has creepier family secrets than Abs Toby!

It’s pretty obvious to me that there is NOTHING Spencer could tell Abs about her asshat father, that would make him think any less of Spencer.  Plus, I actually think that being honest, and WARNING Abs Man about “A,” would be a good a way as any to “keep him safe” and, you know, NOT HAVE HIM DIE and stuff.  But hey, it’s the finale.  And finales require drama, so . . .

“Spencer, don’t leave! What will I tell our extremely muscular future children?”

After half-assedly dumping Toby, Spencer rushes from the car, and has a mini-Soap Opera Style Nervous Breakdown, right next to a friendly old tree . . .

“I’m just so SAD, Mr. Tree!  Please, hold me .  . . Or, just stay there, and let me fondle your bark.  That works too.”

Watching Spencer attempt to win an Emmy Award is who else but DR WREN!  YIPPPEEEEE!  (Sorry Tobs!  I know you’re great for Spencer and all.  And I don’t think she should have dumped you . . . BUT I LOVE ME SOME WREN!)

YUMMY!

Wren, ever the sucker for a Damsel in Distress (He dated Whiny Melissa, after all), scoops Spencer up off the tree, gives her a cute little monogrammed hanky with which to carry her snot, and drives her home in his kickass, “I’m a doctor” car.  He then gallantly waits in her living room (because, AGAIN, her parents are NEVER HOME) while she prepares, for Douchey Daddy’s wedding.

Spencer comes downstairs in my favorite dress ever, and this is coming from someone who can take or leave many of Spencer’s outfit choices (Sweater Pony, and Over-the-Shoulder Denim, anyone?).  She then offers Wren back her snotty hanky, which HE TAKES . . . and RUBS WITH HIS FINGERS.  (Now THAT is LOVE, people!)

“Your boogers are beautiful, and so are you and so am I.”

“Why yes.  They are rather attractive boogers, if I do say so, myself.”

Talk about a Stand-up Guy!  Wren even advises Spencer to give Abs Toby another chance . . . or, as he cutely nicknamed him, “The Carpenter.”  (I love how slyly snooty that was of Wren!)  Wren then tells Spencer that he’s bbeen dying to kiss her, AND HE DOES!  AND IT’S ADORABLE!  AND I WISH I WAS ON THE OTHER END OF THAT KISS.  AND SPENCER DEFINITELY LIKED IT, EVEN IF SHE PRETENDED SHE DIDN’T.

“You have terrible timing,” notes Spencer guiltily, as she unraveles her tongue from Wren’s, the taste of his mint lip gloss, still on her lips.  (COME ON!  You just know a guy who carries around a hanky filled with his lover’s snot uses mint lip gloss.)  Wren agrees, and gently offers Spencer her wrap, as he escorts her to the wedding.  (By the way, who wants to bet that “A” somehow nabbed a shot of them kissing, and is going to send it to Abs Toby?  Just a hunch . . .)

Meanwhile, in car nearby . . .

DAMN YOU, GPS (And Creepy Pocahontas-looking doll)!

So, Emily, in your Alice in Wonderland Dress, I have a question for you . . . two, actually.  (1) If you have lived in Rosewood, all your life, and have, even during the course of this series, attended many events at its ONLY CHURCH, why do you need to use GPS to drive there?  We know your town isn’t that big?   (2)  I own a GPS.  And when I get to the point where my destination is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET, I TURN IT OFF.  I don’t sit there and second guess the fact that I AM SEEING THE DESTINATION RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES, just because some computer says I’m wrong.  Why don’t you?  (OK, so that second one, was more of a criticism than a question, but still . . .)

Anywhoo . . . Emily’s GPS doesn’t want to take her to church.   It apparently, wants to take her and her NEW PASSENGER to some random barn . . . though I’m not sure whether it’s the same barn where Ali died, or Ian fake-died.  Note: I said NEW PASSENGER.  Because, apparently, Emily was so mesmerized by her GPS system, that she completely missed the fact that a BIG UGLY ASS DOLL climbed in the backseat of her car and hitchhiked the entire way to the church.

Look familiar? 

By the way, it occurred to me that “A” was taking was taking a mighty big risk, by not seatbelting Emily Doll.  I mean, think about it.  What would happen if Emily’s car stopped short, and Emily Doll tumbled onto the floor, before Emily could find her.  How would “A” terrorize Emily then?  More Alpha Bits?  Let this be a lesson to you, kiddies: ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!

Anyway, Emily’s Ugly Doll tells her that she will lead Emily to wear Shrinkypoo is supposedly being held hostage.  Not wanting more blood on her hands, Emily follows the Doll’s and GPS’s instructions, which lead her to a BARN, i.e. The Place Where PLL Cast Members Typically GO TO DIE!

Not surprisingly, Shrinkypoo isn’t actually in the barn.  In fact, all that’s there is a Toxic Murder Car (but not Toby’s).  By the time Emily realizes that she’s been duped into entering the Barn of Death it is too late.  The door has slammed shut in her face, and she is locked in.

“Hey!  You can’t do this!  I’m signed on as a series regular for Season 3.” 

Emily eventually asphixiates and passes out.  When she “wakes up,” she finds herself in a dirty sex dream with Dead Ali . . .

 

Source
(Well, technically, Emily is still single, since her and Maya are “just friends.”  So, I guess she’s not too big of a Dream Slut.)

With the barn, and the frilly dresses, and the cryptic speeches by friends past, I suspect that Emily’s dream is kind of what a modern-day Wizard of Oz would look like, if the Wizard of Oz was turned into a gay porno.   In the dream/hallucination, Dream Ali also says that she misses Emily the most, proceeds to make out with her, and offers to stay with her in Purgatory forever.   (What is this Lost?)

Ali also annoyingly tells Emily that she knows who “A” is, but, of course, can’t tell her.   (Well, could you at least tell US, Ali?  Because I’m dying to know.)  In fact, in her lame argument as to why she can’t reveal “A’s” identity to Emily, Dead Ali actually quotes the show’ theme song, telling Emily that “only two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead.”  And yet, one of them (Ali) IS dead . . . so, based solely on the song, I don’t get why Ali couldn’t tell Emily the secret.  Unless . . . of course, she ISN’T . . .

While Emily is dream humping / playing Guess Who with Ali, Hanna is at her dad’s wedding, causing trouble . . . as per usual.

The Back Fat Returns . . . The Bride Does Not . . .

“Just think.  You and I could get married here, one day.  Our future babies wouldn’t have as good abs as the Spoby kids.  But they are sure to be able to hold their liquor, be good with their hands (ahem) . . . and will probably have really nice hair.” 

While Aria and Spencer worry about what the heck is taking Emily so long  (She’s busy having Hallucinatory Sex with Dead Ali, guys!  CHILL OUT!) , New Hair / New Attitude Caleb is trying to calm down a very-uptight-about-the-wedding-for-good-reason Hanna.  The pair are approached by AWFUL Kate, who makes a snide comment about Hanna’s Hangover, before the latter excuses herself to make a phone call.  Of course, Kate wastes no time, trying to dig her claws into Caleb, by complimenting him on his snazzy suit (which, I assume his new-rich Mom bought or him).

“You have big hands.  And you know what they say about guys with big hands, don’t you?  They also have . . . big feet.” 

Fortunately, just like Fitzy before him, Caleb, is, apparently, a one-man-woman.  And he lets Kate know this in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, by . . . telling her that SHE HAS BACK FAT!

Just in case you were wondering about who was calling Hanna, it was Caleb . . . to tell her about that AWESOME BACK FAT JOKE.  Just kidding . . . it was “A” . . . AGAIN . . . reminding Hanna that SOMEONE is running out of air.  *groans*

It’s Wedding Time . . .  The bride and groom are front and center.  (But the bride’s hair looks more appropriate for a morning workout, than an afternoon marriage.)  Hanna stands in her place as bridesmaid, behind Awful Kate . . . watching . . . waiting.  Finally, she makes her decision, awkwardly asking to speak to the bride ALONE . . .

AWKWARD! 

Even Awful Kate seems curious as to how this all is going to go down.  Soon-Not-To-Be-New-Step Monster Isabel, heads off to confer with her Soon-Not-to-be-Step-Daughter, who promptly tells her that Douchey Daddy, and Mama Marin recently horizontal mambo-ed together.

The bad news is .  . . your marriage is over.  The good news is . . . your new dress is WAY prettier than your pukey old one.  Perhaps, you can wear it to your next weddding. 

Of course, Daddy Dearest has overheard the whole conversation, and is unable to deny any of it.  (That will teach you to put your weiner where your mouth is, Tom.  Wait . . . that didn’t come out right.)

Stepmonster Isa-hell storms off.  And Hanna futilely asks her dad for forgiveness, but he can’t even look at her.  (I guess the concept of “honesty is the best policy” just doesn’t apply in the Marin Household.)  Ring, ring.  It’s another text message from “A.”  It’s the address of the infamous barn.  I wonder if the rest of the PLL girls will need GPS to get their like Emily did . . . I’m guessing not.

Dig a Little Deeper . . .

“Dude?  Why are you naked?  What did Dream Ali do to you?” 

Emily awakens to find her gal pals watching over her.  Apparently, “A” had enough sense to pull Emily out of the barn, before she DIED OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING.  (How sweet of her/him!)  Emily tells the girls that she was with Alison, and that their so-called Dead Friend is still alive.  She can still feel the Queen Bee’s lips on hers.  Of course, the PLL girls just assume that she was hallucinating, which she may very well have been.

Then Emily notices a shovel leaning up against the barn, that wasn’t there before  . . . a shovel with latitude, longitude coordinates attached to it . . .

Would YOU be able to follow those coordinates? Because, I’m not shy to admit that I would have NO CLUE how to go about doing that.  Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), Spencer is smarter than I am, and leads the rest of the girls to the spot in question, where they quickly find a recently dug shallow grave.  UH OH!

“You mean, they want us to get on our HANDS AND KNEES?  In THESE DRESSES .  . . just to save some boring old shrink.  You know, now that I think about it, I didn’t like Anne Sullivan all that much.  Did you?” 

The decidedly unfemine nature of their task aside, the girls begin to dig.  Hanna freaks out, when she finds those Tory Burch boots she recognizes as Shrinkypoo’s!  (UY!  Again with the friggin BOOTS!  ENOUGH!)  Then they uncover what INITIALLY looks like a face, but is actually just an ugly clown mask . . . oops.

Wow, Shrinkypoo!  You sure are pale! 

Cue the lights, and the helicopters.  . . wait . . . WHAT?  Oh yes, that’s right, boys and girls.  As it turns out, “A” set up the PLL girls, with an “anonymous” tip to the cops, in relations to the supposedly solved Ali’s murder . . . and the NEW suspects have a LOOOOOONG night ahead of them . . .

“Aria, hide me!  I don’t want the police to see my back fat.” 

ANSWERS!  (FINALLY!)

“I’m so glad Spencer is my daughter!  I get so much legal work from you girls!”

At the police station, the PLL girls’ family and friends are coming out to support them, in droves . . .  Abs Toby is there in a snazzy purple button down shirt, that wouldn’t look at all out of place at a disco, circa 1975.  (Apparently, he and Spencer share a fashion sense.)  “I LOVE YOU!  I LOVE YOU, SPENCER!”  He screams out like a loon, as the cops pull his crazy ass away.  (Ahhh  . . . young love!)

In the decidedly LESS young love department, Fitzy has arrived, since, I assume, HE was the one Aria used her “One Phone Call” to contact.  And in an unintentionally hilarious scene, Aria’s mom rushes over to lecture him about SLEEPING WITH SPENCER.

“Hey, it could be worse.  I could be having sex with YOUR daughter!  Oh . . . wait a minute . . . I AM!”

Throughout most of the conversation, Fitzy assumes Judgy Mama Montgomery is talking about HER OWN daughter, Aria (Otherwise, why the hell would she care so much, right?).   So, he’s trying to protect himself, by assuring Mama Montgomery JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES “HER.”  And yet, that just digs Fitzy in EVEN DEEPER, considering that his words only serve to bolster Mama Montgomery’s belief that Fitzy is actually screwing Spencer.  It’s like a “Who’s on First?” Skit, but instead of baseball players, we are talking about underage girls! 😉

Elsewhere, Facelift Vampire Jason (who is conveniently dressed, in BLOOD red, by the way) has an intimate conversation with Papa Hastings, that pretty much confirms what most of us had always assumed . . . that Vamp Man is actually Papa Hastings’ son, and Spencer’s HALF-BROTHER, a Deep Dark Secret about which Mama Hastings is apparently not yet aware because she’s never home long enough to figure these things out.  This, of course, better explains why he’s been making googly eyes with Ali’s mom, hanging out in Vamp Man’s BEDROOM late at night, and manipulating Dead Grandma’s will to make Vamp Man look less guilty . . .

I can see a family resemblance, can’t you? 

Elsewhere in this VERY CROWDED police station, Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna rejoice over / take credit for doing the following things:

(1) being completely nauseating and totally unlikeable individuals who no one would possibly sleep with, except for one another (Abs Toby doesn’t count, because he was raped.)

(1) setting the PLL girls up to get “fingered” for Ali’s murder, this week.

(2) stealing the elusive “Page Five” of Ali’s autopsy report

(3) writing the letter that made Facelift Vampire Jason think that HE killed Ali, when he didn’t

(4) being present at the time of Ali’s murder (and possibly committing it, though that was never explicitly said)

Speaking of Page 5, we finally learn from Deputy Douchey (who was reinstated to the force, thanks to his “remarkable breakthrough” in the Dead Ali case) what was on it: a specific description of the murder weapon used to kill Ali.  And, I bet you will never guess what it was!  I’ll give you a hint, YOU CAN DIG WITH IT!

Personally, I think a shovel is a BORING murder weapon.  I much preferred the Hastings Hockey Stick . . . But that’s just me. 🙂 

It’s GLOVED HAND TIME!  ZZZZZZZZZZ!   YAY! 

Meanwhile, at a rundown coffee shop, a decidedly alive Shrinkypoo angrily takes some blackmail photos from Gloved Hand / “A”, telling her or him that she did exactly what was asked of her, and is now FREE, to be left alone, dammit.  (Note: Since, Shrinkypoo was ALONE, when she first learned of A’s identity, we can assume that she wasn’t in on this the WHOLE TIME.  Rather, it seems more likely that “A” had blackmailed the doctor, AFTER she had already pieced together the clues . . .)

“You couldn’t have found us a nicer place to meet than THIS dump?  I’ve eaten at McDonalds that were classier!  I wear Tory Burch boots, for crying out loud.” 

Anywhoo, after Shrinkypoo storms off in a huff (probably with naked pictures of herself that she didn’t want leaked onto the internet, or something), Gloved Hand “chats” (It never speaks, of course) with a waitress, who offers her coffee and pie, and calls her (or him) “Pretty Eyes.”

The most obvious suspect for Pretty Eyes is Blind Jenna, of course . . . since we already know she HAS THEM . . .

Interestingly enough, I’m pretty sure the actress who plays Blind Jenna, Tammin Sursok, is wearing colored contacts in this scene, which would pretty much cinch her as the culprit.  On the other hand, considering how much Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett have already admitted to doing on this show, wouldn’t the reveal of Blind Jenna as “A”, be a bit underwhelming, especially considering that she was OUR VERY FIRST SUSPECT, back in Episode 2?

I guess we will just have to wait until this winter to find out. . .

Until then, feel free to sound off in the comment section about what you thought of the season, in general, and the summer finale, specifically.  Who do you think is “A?”  Who killed Ali?  And most importantly, would you let a sexy stud like Wren hold on to your snot hankie?

I’ll see you in October for the Halloween Special, My Pretties!  You can check out the trailer for it here . . .

Tata, for now!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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Pretty Little Liars’ Season 2 Summer Finale – We’re Liveblogging It!

ARIA:  “Don’t look now.  But I think someone’s watching us.”

HANNA:  “Well, of course, someone is watching us!  It’s ‘A’.  ‘A’ is always watching us!  Where exactly have you BEEN these past two seasons, Aria?”

ARIA: “Ummm . . .  in Fitzy’s pants?”

HANNA: *rolls eyes*

EMILY: “Uhhh . . . guys . . . I don’t think it’s ‘A,’ this time.  I think it’s those Recapper Girls.   I heard they are doing a liveblog on us.”

SPENCER: “A LIVEBLOG?!  No one does a LIVEBLOG on us, and gets away with it.  They MUST BE STOPPED!”

Greetings, my Pretties!  As you know, tomorrow marks the last episode of PLL, before the show heads into its interminable Fall Hiatus . . .

But don’t worry!  My pal, Sassyfran, over at Random Recaps and I have decided to send this show off, in style, with a LIVEBLOG!

What the f*&k is a liveblog, and what does it have to do with ME?”

Well, I’m glad you asked, Spencer!  A liveblog is kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about the PLL Mid-Season Finale with other fabulous fangirls (and boys), like yourself, while the show is airing.

Or, if you’re shy, just read along.  And let US do the work for you!

 Yeah . . . not that kind of work, Hanna.  I was thinking more along the lines of . . . you know . . . TYPING and stuff!

In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!) . . .

. . . Sassyfran and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part.

Of course, if you miss the liveblog, and want to check it out, after the episode airs, you can do that too!

“This is very suspicious.   We are going to have to investigate this.” 

For those of you who have never taken part in a liveblog before, here’s an example of one we did for The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 finale, back in March.

Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.

Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides “chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources – or the necessary legal approval – to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!  (You still like us, anyway . . . don’t you?)

So, if you are up for celebrating The Pretty Little Liars’ Mid-Season Finale with a couple of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of snarky commentary, wild plot speculation, and Abs Toby . . .

CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) on Tuesday, August 30th!

Until then, feel free to watch (and rewatch, and rewatch . . .) this ABC Family preview for PLL’s Summer Finale episode (which, by the way, is entitled, eerily enough, “Over My Dead Body”) . . .

And here’s a Sneak Peek from the Upcoming Episode.  (Shrinkypoo!  Where are YOU?)

See you tomorrow, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Scavenger Hunted – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Summer Finale “Keep Your Friends Close”

“Afraid of driving alone at night?  Not sure what dangers may be in the store for you, just around the corner?  Put an inflatable Creepy Toby in your back seat TODAY, and drive in ‘comfort’ TOMORROW!”

WOAH!  Pretty Little Liars gave us quite the little twisty, turny Season Finale, didn’t they?  And talk about piling on the potential suspects!  At this point, ANYONE can be “A,” can’t they?  Heck, I could be “A!” But I’m not . . . (or am I?). 

In addition to keeping us guessing as to the identity of Ali’s killer, “Keep Your Friends Closer” also provided fans with a whole bunch of information about what (and WHO) Ali was doing, outside Spencer’s farm house, on the night she was murdered.  But no matter how much information we learned, everything seemed to keep leading us back to THIS GUY . . .

 . . . who I will hereinafter refer to as “Pedophile Ian.”  (You’ll understand why, soon enough . . .)

So, without further adieu, LET THE HUNT (and the scavenging) BEGIN!

My Super Schmucky Sweet 16!

When the episode begins, the girls each receive invitations from Mona the A**hole to attend a party, in honor of her being born 16 years prior.  (Perhaps, a Day of Mourning would be more appropriate?)  The girls reluctantly accept the invitiations.  However, (all except Hanna) plan on bailing on the b*tch.  That is, until they get a text message that reads, “Camp Mona is a scavenger hunt, and I’m the prize.  Come find me b*tches! – A” 

GAME ON!  Looks like our girls will be “glamping” after all.  (Whatever the heck that means!)

“Mirror, Mirror, on the wall.  Who’s the most annoying castmember of them all?   IT’S ME!”

Later, Mona the A**hole (who had WAY TOO MUCH screentime this week, if you ask me) arrives at Hanna’s house begging for handouts.  Apparently, having a spa party named after her wasn’t enough.  This b*tch wants a fancy dinner too.  Hanna tries to get out of it, because who the heck would want to spend time with this horrible troll she doesn’t have the money to pay for dinner.  But Hanna’s mom, who has overheard the exchange and feels super guilty about all the sacrifices her daughter is making, due to the family’s precarious financial situation, spots Hanna the only $100 bill in her wallet.

“Don’t sweat it, honey!  You can turn tricks to pay me back tomorrow!”

But when Hanna ends up canceling on Mona anyway, due to being stuck in the principal’s office (more on that later), her “Best Friend” turns on her completely, by (1) starting some rumor that Hanna got thin through liposuction; and (2) disinviting Hanna to her lame party.  OH THE HUMANITY!

But I really had my heart set on getting BLOWN (dry . . . in the Blow Room, of course). . .

Now, about that liposuction rumor . . . Mona claims she got a text about it from “A.”  Really?  Because it doesn’t seem like Hanna ever told Mona about “A.”  And if Mona doesn’t know who “A” is, why would she listen to “A” over Hanna?   Unless of course, MONA IS “A?”

“Does this mean we don’t have to go this lame ass party?”  Emily asks, hopefully, upon hearing about Hanna’s and Mona’s “messy breakup.”

But Hanna forces them to go, because she’s tired of “A’s” games, and she wants to “scavenge” her.  Besides, Hanna plans on crashing Camp Mona, so that SHE can hunt for “A” too  . . . 

(Please take Lucas with you, please take Lucas with you, please take . . .)

Hanna DIDN’T take Lucas to the party, nor did she take my OTHER fave Pretty Little Liar man . . .

(Not like she even knows Wren to take HIM, but still!)

 I can’t help but wonder, whether things would have ended up better for her, if she had brought company along  . . .

Move over Deputy Douchey!  You’ve Been Replaced (by the FBI . . .)

“So, I parade around your television screen half-naked, and THIS is the thanks I get!  I’m FIRED?   WTF!”

Once again, the Fabulous Four are called to the Principal’s office together, and once again, their meeting is “All About Ali.”

Apparently, in addition to terrorizing her classmates, reading the classics, and eating cute little puppies for lunch, Dead Ali was also quite the Child Porn Star, in her day! 

Observe Ali’s expert “O” Face!

But Ali’s hottest video, was the one made on the day of her death (which I guess makes it Snuff Porn?).  The video was sent to the Rosewood Police Department by an “Anonymous” party, the day before.  And it was the receipt of this video that forced the local rent-a-cops to come to the conclusion that they were out of their league, and that bigger guns were needed.  In the video, Ali is stripping out of a hideous green button-down sweater, and “making love” to the camera.  “I know you wanna kiss me,” she says seductively to her audience. 

Honestly, after seeing some of the places that mouth has been?  No, not really . . .

The girls confirm that the yellow dress Ali is wearing in the video is the one she wore on the night of her disappearance.  But the origins of that hideous green sweater remain a mystery.  Emily also notes that the place where the video was filmed has been creatively named “Kissing Rock.”  In return for this information, the FBI let the girls in on the fact that the still MIA Creepy Toby remains their primary murder suspect.

Later, a news broadcast on television informs the girls that a warrant has been issued for Creepy Toby’s arrest.  Apparently, the jacket Ali was wearing in her Child Porn Flick was Toby’s and the blood on it matched his blood. 

What?   Does this mean Ali and Toby “Sister F*&ker” Cavanaugh were SECRET LOVERS? 

How is that even possible?  Well . . . I KNOW how it’s possible . . . but . . . you get my drift.

Pedo Ian Rides (Everyone) Again . . .

“Why do I get the feeling, I’ve been here before?”

Remember early in this season, when Spencer met her sister’s fabulous then-fiance, Wren, and the two hit it off like perfect soulmates . . .

 . . . and started going at it like horny bunny rabbits?

(Well, I’m glad YOU do, because the writers of Pretty Little Liars certainly don’t seem to!)

But I digress .  . .  apparently, this wasn’t the FIRST time, Spencer swapped spit one of her sister’s men. 

From a flashback scene, we learn that Melissa’s then-boyfriend, Ian, used to help Spencer with her “hockey swing” (insert sexual euphemism here), and sometimes ended up helping her with her TONGUE- SWING . . .

The costume and lighting designers did a very nice job making Troian look younger in this scene.  Certainly closer to the 14 or 15 she was supposed to be in the flashback, than she is in real life.  But that only made her tryst with the 20-something Ian character more disturbing.

Hence, the nickname, Pedophile Ian.  (And don’t even get me started on his later romantic scenes with the ACTUAL 14-year old who plays, Ali, Sasha Pieterse . . .)

But if anything GOOD came from Pedo Ian’s unceremonious return to Rosewood, it was that it allowed Spencer to FINALLY attain forgiveness from her sister, Melissa, for singlehandedly ruining the latter’s upcoming nuptials . . .

Spencer even convinced Melissa to give Pedo Ian another chance, even though he had dumped her all those years prior.   (Then again, considering what happened at the end of this episode, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.  But hey, if anyone can protect themselves from violent nutjobs, it’s Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill!

Pedo Ian, consider yourself WARNED!

It’s EASY!  Like taking MONEY from Little Old Ladies!

There’s a special place in Hell reserved for people who bilk Grandmas out of their live savings.  And, from the looks of it Hanna’s mom is going there for sure!  It all started when Hanna’s mom, Ashley, started falling behind on her bills, as  a result of a difficult economy.  Cutbacks were made in Ashley’s life, and in the life of her daughter.  Fun Time in the Marin house was over.  No more caviar in the fridge . . .

  . . . no more douching . . .

or Deputy Douchey-ing . . .

No more inviting male prostitutes over for some “Afternoon Delight” . . .

In short, no more fun.  Unfortunately, for Hanna’s mom, all that cutting back may have come too little to late, because she had become delinquent on her mortgage payments, and her house was about to be foreclosed upon.

But don’t you count out Ashley just yet!  After all, she gave birth to Hanna, the best shoplifter in ALL of Rosewood!

Well .  . . except for that one time, when she got caught . . .

But, let me tell you, solid shoplifting genes like that?  They DON’T just appear out of nowhere.  Those are a BIRTHRIGHT!

For those of you who were always left wondering where exactly it was that Hanna’s mom worked, we finally got that answer in tonight’s episode.  She works at a bank.  A bank where little old ladies, who have NO relatives, receive gobs of money from other dead little old ladies, and leave hundreds of thousands of dollars of cold hard cash in a safety deposit box (Perish the thought of putting it in an ACTUAL savings account!), which they only visit once a year, after which, they conveniently forget to take back the deposit box keys.

So, of course, with “no other options,” Hanna’s mom absconds with the cash.  And she must work in a really bad neighborhood too!  Because, as she is driving away, this told wackjob creeper asks her for a ride.  Ashley firmly declines and guns it out of there like a Bat out of Hell.  I mean, look at the guy . . . wouldn’t you?

F*cking a Stranger in the Bar Bathroom may earn you an STD, but it also makes for a fabulous POEM!

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue,

I have Genital Warts,

and, now, SO DO YOU!

Poor Aria!  Everytime she tries to get out from between Fitzy’s legs and begins to move on with her life, he pulls her back in.

“It’s my white, pasty stick legs!  They’re utterly irresisitible.”

Early in the episode, Aria is standing by her locker, trying to plan a first date with her new sort-of beau, Bushy Eyebrows Noel . . .

Bushy’s brilliant idea?  Stay at home and watch movies on TV.  Seriously Romeo?  For a FIRST date?  How old exactly do you think Aria is, 85?  Just because she DATES geriatrics, doesn’t mean she IS one!  As the two continue on their BORING conversation, a book conveniently falls out of Aria’s locker.  And, lo and behold, there is a note from “A” attached to it . . .

“Someone named A wants you to read page 22,” offers Noel, excitedly.  “You should TOTALLY do it.  Why not?  Be SPONTANEOUS!”  (Coincidentally, Noel’s idea of spontaneity is wearing black socks, instead of his usual white.)

Aria opens the book, which I presume is a school literary magazine, of some sort, to page 22.  Turns out, there’s a poem on that page .  . .  written by, who else . . . Ezra Fitz.

The poem is called B26, which, if I recall, represents the song playing on the jukebox in the bar where Aria and Fitzy first met, and later screwed, in the bar bathroom.  Ahhh, memories!  Apparently, for Fitzy, those couple of minutes spent with his back up against a dirty mirror, cheap soap running down his pant leg, toilet paper on his shoe, banging the living daylights out of some jailbait, was the single most romantic moment of his ENTIRE LIFE!  This was why he wrote a poem about it, and chose to publish it in the High School Literary Journal so everyone under the age of 18 could enjoy reading about his raunchy sexcapades.

When Aria reads the poem, she is absolutely infuriated by the mixed signals Fitzy has been sending her.  She rushes to his classroom to confront him.

Aria reams Fitzy a new one for claiming not to want anything to do with her, and then drafting this porny love poem about her for the entire student body to read.  Fitzy has very little to say in response.  And when, Aria tells Fitzy, loudly and in no uncertain terms, that she is through with him, who walks in?  THIS GUY . . .

It’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel!  And while Mr. Excitement, didn’t seem at all suspicious as to why “A” was telling Aria to read her English teacher’s poem, he totally seems clued in to the situation now.  And he looks PISSED!  It looks like Aria’s phantom “Boyfriend from Iceland” just got a whole lot closer to home.  To make matters worse, based on the portion of the conversation Noel heard, it totally seemed like Fitzy was making unwelcome advances toward Aria.  Yep, Bushy Eyebrows is TOTALLY going to rat Fitzy out to the PoPo for being a Baby Lover . . .

Creepy Toby:  Here TODAY, Gone to the Slammer, TOMORROW. . .

The FBI may be combing the town in search of Toby Cavanaugh, but apparently, they haven’t been looking in Emily’s car, because THAT’S where he is!  I never quite understood why, in these “sneak into the person’s car and scare them” scenes, the guy or girl always seem to wait in the backseat.  Because if it were me, I would be TOTALLY crouched down on the driver’s side. Then when he got into the car, I would grab his legs, and see how high I could get him to jump.  A total missed opportunity if you ask me.

As it turns out, Creepy Toby is stalking Emily because he wants to tell her HIS side of the story, you know the one he never got to tell her at prom because he was too busy crashing into glass, and she was too busy, falling on her face and being knocked unconscious.

“Good times.”

Emily takes Toby to a small secluded wooded area (REAL SMART, there girl!  Because someone will SURELY hear you, if you scream THERE!).  Toby then explains that Ali misunderstood his relationship with Blind Jenna.  She saw the siblings BONING . . .

 . . . and automatically assumed Blind Jenna was being raped.  But according to Toby, these two are IN LOVE . . . and not a brotherly- sisterly love, either.

And, NO, in case you were wondering, the fact that these two AREN’T related by blood doesn’t help me feel better about this situation AT ALL!

In terms of Alison, Toby explains that he DID meet her in front of Spencer’s barnhouse the night she disappeared, but only to talk to her.  And he gave her his sweater, to warm her up when she was cold.  The last Toby saw Ali, according to him, was when she was getting into the car with “some old dude.”  Despite telling Emily all this, Toby inexplicably would like to speak with her more, and tells her where he will be for next few hours, until he goes out on the lam again.  And it is in this exact spot where the coppers pick him up and arrest him.

Now, as you know, I’ve never exactly been Creepy Toby’s biggest fan, but, based on what we’ve seen in this episode, I think we could all pretty safely assume that HE is neither “A” nor Ali’s killer.  Therefore, you’ve got to feel bad for a guy who may very well have been wrongly accused.  And for that reason, I offer this to YOU, Young Cavanaugh . . .

(Special thanks go out to Amy over at Imaginarymen for providing me with the inspiration for the FABULOUS tee!)

In Other News . . .

Emily’s dad returned home from Iraq, today . . .

But her mother mysteriously received an envelope containing Emily’s “tonguing Maya” photos .  . .

And the look on her face upon reviewing them was none too pleased . . .

“I attended Camp Mona, and all I got were these damn skidmarks on my face!”

“Well, heck.  At least I didn’t have to get BLOWN, like Aria and Emily!”

“Oh stuff it, Half-Dead Hanna!  You WISH your hair was big enough to warrant its own zip code!”

Over at Mona’s self-indulgent bore of a birthday party (16-years old and no boys allowed?   SERIOUSLY?)  . . .

I’m thinking that the girl-to-guy ratio at this party might be a bit more Emily’s speed, than Aria and Slightly Slutty Spencer’s

 . . . Spencer, Aria and Emily, begin receiving clues from “A” for their “scavenger hunt”.  Their first hunch leads them to where they found Ali’s bracelet a few episodes back.

A’s not there.  But a “Jenna” necklace is.  (OK, so what’s the deal here?   Does EVERYBODY get an ugly fabric bracelet with their name on it?  Do I get one?   Seriously, it’s like Ali bought stock in the Ugly Bracelet Company before she died . . .)

Next to the ugly “Jenna” bracelet is a note from “A” informing the girls that they are in the wrong place.  (Well, DUH, A’s not here, so it HAS to be the wrong place!)  Spencer, however, who is clearly a bit wiser than I am, recognizes the double-meaning inherent in the world “Wrong.”  She ultimately determines that “A” is hiding in a place called “Wright’s Playground.” There, Spencer finds a heart etched into a tree saying “Alison loves Ian.” 

Meanwhile, Aria gets a text from Fitzy, in which he says he needs to see her.  He conveniently parks somewhere near Wright’s Playground (hmmmmm . . .  interesting).  Once Aria gets in the car, Fitzy tells her that he always loved her, and was looking for a job elsewhere so that he and she could be TOGETHER without fear of repercussion, NOT to run away from her, as Aria had initially suspected. 

However, when Fitzy caught Aria flirting with Bushy Eyebrows, he thought the high school GUY might be more appropriate for a high school girl.  Aria chastizes Fitzy for not recognizing the strength of her feelings for him.  Then the two engage in an encore of their infamous “Car Makeout Scene” from a few episodes back.

In a truly creepy scene, we see a ghostly figure looming over the back of the car, as Aria and Fitzy go at it, oblivious to the SCARY THING behind them.  Fortunately, that “thing” is not out to kill them, it is just out to leave a cute little love note on Fitzy’s car.   “I SEE YOU,” the oh, so, mature “A” writes on the back of the car, using the condensation from the window as her (or his) canvas.  Though genuinely frightening, the whole thing was also a bit cliche, and reminded me a bit too much of that very special scene from the film I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, where the killer took the same tired approach to scare its victims, as “A” did . . .

By this time, Hanna has successfully crashed the party . . .

She quickly locates Wright’s Playground, and hangs out nearby, waiting for something to happen.   Something DOES!  Hanna takes out her binoculars, and spies Aria and Fitzy making out inside the car.  Then she sees SOMETHING ELSE, and that SOMETHING ELSE may be the key in figuring out who A is.  It IS definitely the key for Hanna, who immediately texts Spencer that she knows “who A is.”  But, as Hanna is walking toward the girls, to spread the news, she is HIT BY A CAR, AND KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS!  She even stops BREATHING!

And where was Fitzy when all this was going down, you ask?

Who knows?  Perhaps, he was writing poetry about girls who get hit by cars, and the boys who love them .  . .

Sigh!  Poor Lucas!

The rest of the Pretty Little Liars instantly gather around Hanna, screaming, crying, and calling for an ambulance.  It was admittedly a highly emotional scene.  I was very moved.

As the credits roll, we are treated to the final portion of Ali’s Child Porn Star video, the portion which its author had apparently excised from the  copy he or she had sent it to the FBI.  At the end of the video, Ali turns the camera around to face her boyfriend who is doing the videotaping, and that boyfriend is THIS GUY . . .

And, here, you thought I was kidding about the whole “pedophile” thing .  . . 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

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