Happy Faux-Halloween Werebangers! As much as this week’s installment of Teen Wolf was all about black-light parties, mostly naked people with paint on their toned torsos, and oddly-attired warriors, who may or may not have descended from fireflies, with the capacity to tattoo people with their fingernails and produce long swords from their stomachs . . .
. . . it was also about masks . . .
. . . but not just the masks we wear on Halloween with the little eye holes cut out of them so we don’t bump into walls while we are trick-or-treating . . .
. . . but the more subtle masks we wear every other day of the year. These are the masks that allow us to hide parts of our true selves from the rest of the world . . . parts of ourselves that we don’t like, or don’t think others would accept . . . parts of us that make us seem less . . . normal . . .
Of all the characters on Teen Wolf, Stiles — goofy and virginal, though he might be – always seemed to be the one most comfortable in his teenage skin. It’s one of the things I always admired most about his character . . . how unabashedly unafraid he was of being himself, even if being himself got him pushed around or excluded, or kept him from getting the girl . . .
In “Illuminated,” however, we learn that Stiles too is wearing some masks. And these masks are more dangerous than the ones donned by his friends. Why? Because he doesn’t even realize he’s wearing them . . .
So turn out the lights, break out the glow-in-the-dark body glitter, and beware of creepy neck-tattoo giving ninjas, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .
[As always special thanks to my supernaturally gifted screencapper Andre, who I would totally invite to my blacklight party if I had one, because I know I could trust him not to tattoo me against my will in a wine cellar . . .]
It’s a bad day to be a jack-o-lantern in Beacon Hills, with mean derelict kids around every corner, just waiting to put their foot in your skull, and turn your brain into the mushy stuff on the inside of a pumpkin pie . . .
“What did I do to deserve this?“
But worry not jack-o-lanterns! The Neighborhood Watch has come to the rescue!
“Dressing up like the guys from The Matrix for Halloween is SO last decade!”
Boy, the Neighborhood Watch has changed a lot since I was a kid. It used to be a bunch of soccer moms in bathrobes. But these guys are stylin! I mean, check out those leather dresses. I would not want to be Jack-o-Lantern Killer in Beacon Hills. That’s for sure!
Speaking of the Neighborhood Watch, Jack-o-Lantern Murder isn’t the only bad act that seems to royally piss them off. They also seem to REALLY HATE THE POSSIBILITY OF PREMARITAL SEX.
Sorry Isaac. But the Neighborhood Watch is apparently very against the idea of your impregnating Allison with your were-cub sperm . . .
Population control . . .
When Allison and her dad find Isaac, he’s super traumatized and definitely still feeling the effects of his run-in with the black skirted ninjas, who he described as having Firefly Eyes . . .
“Between this and my dad locking me in the freezer before getting killed by my classmate the were-lizard, I’m going to probably need to be in therapy until I die.”
Hmmm . . . now where have we seen fireflies before on this show?
Something about the way Allison’s dad was behaving during Isaac’s “debriefing,” seemed to suggest this wasn’t his first time at the Firefly Eye Guys rodeo. Maybe it was the way he instinctively knew that beating the sh*t out of Isaac to force him to wolf out would break the spell the Firefly Eye Guys had him under . . .
(Then again, perhaps he was just using that as an excuse to beat the sh*t out of the current winner of the Teen Werewolf Most Likely to Bone his Daughter this Season award . . . sorry Scott.)
Or maybe it was the way he warned Allison and Issac to keep their mouths shut about the Firefly Eye Guys for the next 24 hours while he “figured things out.”
Oooooorrrrr maybe it was the BIG OLE BROKEN FIREFLY EYE GUY MASK HE HAD HIDDEN AWAY IN HIS DRAWER, RIGHT NEXT TO HIS SECRET STASH OF HASHISH AND PORN MAGS . . .
And if we think the Firefly Eye guys react poorly to kids smashing up jack-o-lantern faces, imagine how pissed off they get about people who smash up THEIR FACES!
Cue the theme song, which was a bit more “club dancey” than usual, wasn’t it? I was only kidding about it last week, but this week’s version of the theme song REALLY did remind me of this . . .
This Girl is on Fire
Once upon a time, there was a popular young adult fiction character who wore a pyrotechnically enhanced outfit designed by Lenny Kravitz, and everyone called her The Girl on Fire . . .
But That Girl apparently, has nothing on our Kira, whose face literally appears to burst into flame, every time someone snaps her picture. Now, most cameras these days have a Red Eye Reduction function that is probably very helpful for folks like Scott . . .
However, until iPhone invents a Face Flame Reduction Feature, Kira is kind of crap out of luck . . .
But hey, at least she didn’t end up chargrilled by Mr. “Their Eyes Were Glowing” Barrow! Something that Scott’s dad honestly seems pissed off about, because dead kids have always been super good for his career. Have I mentioned yet this recap that Scott’s dad is a douche?
Well, consider it mentioned! Anywhoo, the Scooby Gang, plus Kira, find themselves in super hot water with Douchey Daddy for accidentally blacking out the entire town in their attempt to evade being murdered by a child-killing psychopath. The nerve of these kids and their pesky survival instincts!
Douchey Daddy gets incredibly frustrated when he can’t get a straight answer about what happened from our characters . . . something Papa Stilinski finds positively hilarious, because, for once, he’s not the adult being made to look like a moron by a bunch of teenagers less than half his age.
“How come you and Lydia always seem to solve every mystery on this show, when no one else can?” Scott’s dad asks, echoing the question in the minds of Teen Wolf fans everywhere.
“Because my dad’s in law enforcement,” Stiles replies with a wink.
Adorable . . . but also not true. I mean, Scott’s dad is in law enforcement too, and it hasn’t helped him a lick, when it comes to logical reasoning . . .
I mean, Scott’s a sweet guy and all, but, let’s face it, he’s kind of dumber than wolf poo . . .
Of course, by the end of this episode, we have another, more logical, explanation as to why Stiles has seemed to miraculously have all the answers so far this season. And it’s genius, on a Usual Suspects-like level that leads me to believe I haven’t been giving these writers nearly enough credit in my recaps this season.
I like how the show took the inherent ridiculousness of the “Kill Kira” coded message on the chalk board last week, and immediately offered the explanation that SOMEONE ELSE, aside from Barrow, wrote it. Now, while that assumption ended up being correct, I’m not sure, as a detective, I would have immediately arrived at that conclusion. (In fact, if I recall from the message boards on last week’s episode, most fans, myself included, assumed that the code came from Barrow, himself.) I mean the guy was basically a schizo psychopath who enjoyed killing kids with glowing body parts. Why would he need a coded message instructing him to do the thing he loved doing so much in the first place?
Just a thought . . .
Speaking of glowing body parts . . .
Clothing Option . . . Paint Mandatory
At School in the Dark, Stiles finds a new mysterious key on his key chain, which I can totally relate to, because every time I stick my hand in my purse, I’m always finding things I don’t remember putting in there. I swear I’m convinced my purse is a portal to another land . . . either that or a very expensive trash receptacle for old receipts, candy wrappers, pens without ink and unmatched gloves . . .
But enough about me!
Let’s talk about Kira . . .
Last week, Stiles was TOTALLY pro Kira, telling Scott he should absolutely hit that because he’s “the hottest girl” in school . . .
Then again, maybe Stiles was just saying those things to hit on Scott . . .
This week, Stiles basically thinks Kira is Jenny the Darach 2.0, which makes her more or less undateable, unless you are really hot for people who secretly look like Lord Voldemort . . .
“Let’s leave the dating of secret murderers / super villains to MY future girlfriends, mmmm kay?”
. . . or you’re a moron . . . like Derek . . .
And because I had the exact same idea last week, I am now more convinced than ever that Stiles and I do, in fact, share a brain . . . which worries me, because I’m pretty sure Stiles’ brain has a tumor in it . . .
In the boy’s locker room, Aiden and Ethan are naked, and everyone else is fully clothed, because, like children in the 1950s, these are two characters that are at their best when seen not heard.
Danny’s there too. He’s fighting on the phone with some unseen person, about a blacklight party, which will now have to be canceled due to the “blackout.” Hello Irony!
Ethan wants to help Danny find an alternative location for the party, because he feels that will help him find an alternative location into Danny’s very busy pants. He also believes that helping Danny through a really bitchin party will make Care Bear Scott know that Ethan and Aiden “care a lot” about their fellow man. And even if this doesn’t cause Scott to make Ethan and Aiden into fellow Care Bears like Stiles . . .
. . and Isaac . . .
. . . and Lydia . . .
. . . it might at least convince him to take the twins on as Care Bear cousins . . . you know . . . the characters that weren’t bears, but still got to make an appearance every so often in the Care Bear Movies, and Specials, because they were basically nice people/ animals .. .
At first, Aiden is not down with being a Care Bear Cousin. But then Lydia, whose mom will likely be brutally murdered very soon is now teaching at the school (?) and everyone knows that the only teacher at Beacon Hills High who can never die is Coach Crackpot tells Aiden that he can’t f*&k her in janitors closets anymore because his murdering Boyd just became a total turn off.
“Awww . . . how sweet . . . and also about 10 episodes too late.”
And Aiden and his blue balls decide being a Care Bear Cousin is better than being eternally celibate. So, he decides to help Danny by suggesting he throw a party in Derek’s supposedly abandoned loft. Yes, Aiden, because throwing a party in the place where Boyd died, will TOTALLY make Lydia forget you killed him. Good thinking!
Kira is sitting alone in the hallway eating her sad sandwich, and wearing very sad pants. Scott completely ignores Stiles’ advice . . .
. . . and decides this is the perfect opportunity to hit on her . . .
. . .to show her gratitude Kira shows Scott her nifty magical power that involves looking weird in photographs . . .
(I don’t know, Kira. I always look weird in photographs too. And nobody’s ever tried to electrocute me for it . . . yet.)
Scott agrees to help get Kira’s cell phone (which contains evidence of her weird photographs) out of the police station’s evidence locker.
Meanwhile, Derek (rightfully) scares some kids who are stupid enough to go trick or treating in an abandoned parking lot during a blackout. (Seriously, are all the parents in this town mentally retarded?) But before he does that, he gives them candy. Because grown men who carry Milky Ways and M&M’s in the back of their truck, just in case they happen to come upon unaccompanied minors aren’t creepy at all . . .
“Hey kids, wanna hop in the back of my truck and eat Snickers?”
“Sure sounds like fun!”
Obstruction of Justice 101
I’ve always said that watching Teen Wolf makes me smarter and more pervy. This week’s installment of Teen Wolf had the added benefit of making me a better criminal! Be amazed as Stiles teaches us just how easy it is to break into the police department and steal incriminating evidence against yourself!
Step 1 – Clone the key cards
Thus proving that Stiles literally does own the keys to every door in this entire town . . . including the door to his own mind, Lydia’s heart, and of course, the chemistry lab.
“This could be The Key to solving this week’s mystery . . . literally”
Step 2 – Avoid the completely incompetent police force, by merely crawling underneath them . . .
“Off to get some donuts.”
Step 3 – Unlock evidence Drawer
Step 4 – Find evidence, and then dawdle for an unreasonably long time for no other reason than to increase narrative tension . . .
Was it just me, or did that phone take a ridiculously long time to charge enough just to turn on? That’s BAD product placement, if ever I saw it. An iPhone takes about 20 seconds. Just sayin . . .
Step 5 – Almost get discovered, just so Stiles will have to save your ass by being Stiles . . .
I don’t know about you. But I vote when Teen Wolf gets canceled about 25 seasons from now, Stiles gets his own spinoff, which consists solely of him ragging on Scott’s Douchebag dad for an entire hour . . . I’d watch that show.
P.S. What do you guys think the “big secret” Stiles’ dad has on Scott’s dad is that makes the latter hate the former so much? Part of me thinks it has something to do with Scott’s mom . . . then again, maybe that’s because I’m totally rooting for Stiles’ dad and Scott’s mom to start boning in the next season or two. They’d be adorable together! Admit it!
After they escape, Kira is totally turned on by her introduction into a Life of Crime. She wonders whether Scott and Stiles have ever broken the law like this before, at which point, Stiles wryly hands Kira a DVD set of the first 2.5 seasons of Teen Wolf, and replies, “Only every Monday at 10 p.m., for the past three years.”
Ain’t No Party Like a Firefly Guy Party
Danny’s blacklight party is banging!
The music rocks, the nudity and creative body paint all over the place is insane.
And what other place can you go to get drawn on by Kelly Osbourne!
. . . or at least someone who looks a lot like her.
Danny is eagerly getting painted up, when someone calls for ice, and a flirty Ethan tells him he’ll . . . BE RIGHT BACK . . .
Silly Ethan. Did you forget you were on a horror show?
Sex makes men stupid . . .
While Ethan goes off into a dark abandoned corner of Derek’s loft to get brutalized, Danny notices some uninvited guests at his party, who are wearing way too much clothes . . .
“Why is Neo from The Matrix at my blacklight party?”
But they have cool firefly eyes, so he decides to let it slide.
Elsewhere in the loft, Allison and Isaac show up at the party completely overdressed (just like the firefly guys). So, they decide to improvise and also hump . . .
. . . because really no blacklight party is complete without some good old fashioned humping . . .
Also humping? Stiles! You go boy!
So what if he may end up being this season’s Big Bad? Stiles is so Geek Chic and Dorky Sexy that even lesbians whose girlfriends were recently brutally murdered want to bone him! Because everyone knows that having Stiles in your mouth is better than any antidepressant.
But who does Stiles want in HIS Mouth? Answer: Apparently EVERYONE!
It’s always the “innocent” ones that end up being the biggest freaks in the sheets . . .
Stiles takes a break from sucking face with a lesbian to notice that his Magical Mystical Key has chemicals on it . . . as in chemicals from a chemistry lab.
RUH ROH! It looks like our baby may have done a bad bad thing . . .
Speaking of bad things . . .
Ashes, ashes, they all FALL DOWN!
At the blacklight party, relationships, advance, discoveries are made, people are attacked, and everyone gets tattoos, all in a matter of minutes!
After coming to a silent understanding with Allison that they are both going to screw other people this season, Scott finally sees Kira for what she really is . . . a fox . . .
No, I mean, like, a real fox . . . like the “fire” around her body in pictures actually has a fox shape . . .
And being a member of the canine family himself, Scott totally digs it . . .
Allison and Isaac too finally give in to their mutually shared sexual tension, which causes Allison to discover Isaac’s brand new neck tattoo. A backwards “five,” put there by the Firefly Guys? Why, are they dyslexic?
Then again . . . it could also be an “S” for Superman . . . or STILES . . .
Speaking of the Firefly Guys, Lydia spots them at a crowded party stalking her. And so, rather than staying amidst the massive crowd of people who will undoubtedly keep her safe, she decides to say “I’ll BE RIGHT BACK,” to no one in particular, and heads out to balcony alone.
“Oh no, demons are trying to get me!”
“Let me go out here, and make it so much easier for them to do so.”
Silly Lydia! This is what happens when you don’t hang out with Stiles, and allow him to makeout with lesbians instead of protecting you . . .
And they say you’re the smart one . . . sheesh.
The Firefly Guys take Lydia’s Banshee scream, give her the dyslexic tattoo, and then seem to entrance her in some sort of way. But I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to determine what the consequences of that entrancement are . . .
“Look deep into my firefly eyes. You are getting very sleepy.”
“I really loved you in The Matrix, Mr. Keanu Reeves.”
Also, attacked and tatted up? Ethan . . . and Derek . . . whose super pissed off about it, and breaks up the party, the exact same way he traumatized those pesky trick our treaters.
The Scooby Gang, minus Stiles, reconvene in the now empty loft to face off against the Firefly Guys. I smell a Musical Battle Sequence . . .
Unlike most Musical Battle Sequences on this show, in which the Werewolf Always Wins. This time around, the Werewolf Always Sucks Ass . . .
In the Scooby Gangs’ defense, Firefly Guys are much better armed than our heroes, with Magical Tummy Swords . . .
Hypnotic Tattoos . . .
Bet Isaac is wishing he was wearing the scarf last night . . .
“No tatt for me, Firefly Guy!”
And the Ability to Regenerate Heads . . .
Then The Sun comes and saves everyone from getting murdered! Hooray Sun!
Unfortunately, things are less sunny elsewhere in Beacon Hills, like back at the Argent house, where Papa Argent looks like he had a pretty crap day . . .
Also having a crap day, Stiles who has just learned that HE might be the one trying to kill Kira . . .
which was a pretty ingenious development on the part of the writers, as it makes the oddity of Stiles magically figuring out the “code” on the board make so much more sense in hindsight. It also makes Lydia’s comment about not wanting to be with the “bad guys” seem much more ironic / ominous.
Either that, or he’s dreaming / in a coma . . .
Or he has a brain tumor . . .
Whatever the reason, Stiles sure seems to be working very hard to make sure “The Hottest Girl” in school doesn’t get it on doggystyle with “The Fox.”
Thus, proving that prolonged virginity can make you evil and/or cause brain tumors / comas.
So, go forth and get laid, Werebangers! It might just save your life and YOUR SOUL!
Until next time . . .