Are your tummies growling, Fangbangers? There was a whole lot of “messy eating” going on this week, on The Vampire Diaries. Vampires ate college coeds . . . vampire hunters ate hybrids” ears . . . The Original Family ate . . . chicken and vegetables?
I don’t know about you. But I’ve personally been starving for some serious fang action, all week!
So, tie on a nice big bib, and polish that silverware, because it’s time to share a hearty meal with your favorite vampires in Mystic Falls . . .
Today’s Episode is brought to you by the letter “H” (for Hot Sweaty Shirtless Men) and, of course, the number “five”
I’m willing to bet that a lot more moms would watch Sesame Street with their kids, if the show taught tots how to count, this way. Kudos, Julie Plec and Co. This scene is Male Objectification in its purest form. And it is, in a word, AWESOME!
The episode begins, way back in 1110 A.D. Some old witchy lady with Crazy Witchy Lady Hair is hanging out in the BadThingsAlwaysHappenHere! Forest with what appear to be five strippers from some Game of Thrones-themed Male Review.
Is that a Storm of Swords in your pocket, or are you just happy to be on TVD?
The half naked men form a circle around her, and stare blankly into space, while she holds a fiery cauldron triumphantly above her head, like it’s Baby Simba at the beginning of the Lion King. She’s even chanting gibberish, like they do at the beginning of that movie!
“NAAAAAAH SVENYAHHHH MAMAGICHI WAWAHHHHHHH!”
Then, Witchy Lady lowers the cauldron and the fire branches out to the five men, who, from VERY far away (1) look like they are EXTREMELY hung; and (2) appear to be pissing out flames. I bet they can’t do that on Game of Thrones!
This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”
But the fun is far from over! Next up, everyone gets their Magical Tattoos!
“Duuuuude! That hurt even less than that time on my 18th birthday, when I drank an entire bottle of tequila, and woke up with my ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on my Fire Crotch!”
Meanwhile, back in the present day . . .
Deny, Deny, Deny . . .
De-Nile may very well be a river in Egypt, but it’s also got a pretty steady current running through Mystic Falls. We see plenty of denial going on around town, during the first few minutes of the episode. Damon still actually thinks Connor is dead . . .
This is despite the reality of Damon never actually having seen the vampire hunter’s corpse. Not to mention the well-known fact that the gods of Mystic Falls would never, EVER, allow a hot male villain, like Connor, to croak, without getting him to take his shirt off at least once.
Also in denial? Stefan. He thinks he’s “totally over” Damon’s and Elena’s little hand-suck blood exchange, a couple weeks back.
Yeah, this guy? He’s not jealous of his brother at all! No sir! Not a bit!
Speaking of denial . . . sure Elena, Stefan has nothing to worry about. Just because you are going to an all-night frat party with Damon, doesn’t mean that you are going to spend the entire night dry humping him on the dance floor, and/or sucking on his fingers. You’re DEFINITELY going to be 100% faithful to Stefan . . . He’s your “boo,” after all, isn’t he?
Oh, and might I add, that “convenient” explanation as to why Elena could ONLY learn how to feed from
that sexy studmuffin / awesome kisser Damon, and not from Caroline, because she’s “too good” at controlling her vampire urges?
That’s a TOTAL crock of dog poo! Need we all be reminded of an incident, back in Season 2, that I like to lovingly refer to as “Carter-gate?”
So much self control! She even managed to brush her hair out of her eyes, before snapping his neck with her teeth. Honestly, I don’t know how she does it!
Still more stops on the Denial Train. Next we have Beks, who is stalking Matt Donovan at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. She mistakenly believes she can still get into his pants, despite the whole, “sending his car over the Wickory Bridge” thing.
I think it drowned, Matt . . . along with your dignity.
Desperate for redemption (and nookie), Rebekah even goes so far as to buy Matt . . . wait for it . . . A BRAND NEW CAR!
OMG! Rebekah Michaelson is like Richard Gere, and Matt Donovan is her Pretty Woman . . . Except, money can’t buy Matt’s love! He’s keeping the car, but he still won’t kiss Rebekah on the mouth . . . too personal.
Heck, I’d kiss Rebekah on the mouth for a new car. And I don’t even roll that way. Go figure . . .
Don’t you just hate it when your family members are around to see you strike out with the opposite sex? Poor Rebekah! Klaus is sitting at the bar, ready and waiting with a “He’s just not that into you,” speech.
“You had to start with a car? You couldn’t have gone with something less expensive? Like a lottery ticket? Or a lollipop?“
Klaus knows that Rebekah is still pissed at him for, you know, not appreciating her, and stuff. But he still has information for her about “The Five.” Rebekah pretends she doesn’t care. But we all know she TOTALLY does . . .
“What can I say? I wear my heart on my sleeve . . . no, I mean literally on my sleeve, like a big fat bloody cufflink.
Hot for Teacher, Not for Frat Boy
Did you know that, before she was “That Old Lady Who Died Twice on The Vampire Diaries,” Bonnie’s grams was a college professor, who specialized in the occult?
Well, now you do!
What a convenient way to get Bonnie, Elena and Damon to road trip to “college,” while, at the same time, introducing a new fairly attractive, Alaric Saltzman 2.0 type, who may or may not end up being a villain and/or a witchy new love interest for Bonnie . . . Anywhoo, he lectures about witches, and blah, blah, blah . . .
Meanwhile Damon instructs Elena on the best, and worst types of people to feed off of . . .
I assumed Damon would advocate eating fat people (MORE MEATY!). But, instead, he instructed Elena to suck on airheads and the self-absorbed. (LESS CALORIES?)
(Fun Fact: Nerdy girls are bad meals, because, apparently, they are instinctively mistrustful of people who are nice to them. So, at this point, I’d like to say, to all my fellow nerd girls out there, HOLLA!)
While Bonnie wanders off to have some more boring conversation with Professor Boo Radley, or whatever, Damon coaches Elena through her first feed.
Things start off well enough. But then Self-Absorbed!Girl inadvertently shows Elena a picture of her baby sister, and Elena FREAKS OUT! (Honestly, I think the emotional impact of the failed “tasting,” would have been more effective, if the little girl was Miss Would-Be Blood Bag’s daughter. Now, that would have been poignant. But baby sister? Meh!)
No worries! Damon’s got a better idea! He decides to take Elena to a frat party. You know, because everyone who goes to frat parties MUST, by definition, be a terrible person, worthy of bloody neck hickies. Also, no one who goes to frat parties has a baby sister . . .
Once again, out of convenience, the frat party in question, has a death theme. (You’ll learn why that’s convenient in a bit.) Also, out of convenience, Hot Professor Boo Radley just so happens to be attending the party. Because, lord knows, underage kids throwing kegger parties just LOOOVE to invite late 30-something looking teacher types to witness their debauchery and misdemeanors . . .
“I thought she was 18 . . . I mean . . . I thought she was 21 . . . I mean . . . Someone put something in my drink?”
In what I can only assume was an “inside joke,” Damon arrives at the party dressed as Jack the Ripper, with Elena and Bonnie traveling in tow, as his “victims.” (Take THAT, Ripper Stefan!)
Elena finds a frat boy, who, by roofie-ing a girl’s drink in plain view, renders himself just douchebaggy enough that Elena can feed off of him, without offending her “personal moral code.” (Also, we can all assume he’s an only child. Or, if not, an only child, at least doesn’t carry around a cute picture of his sibling on his cell phone.)
Elena munches heartily, and immediately becomes swept up in the euphoria of Vampire’s First Feeding Frenzy. “I want more,” she whispers seductively in Damon’s ear . . .
So, does he, Elena . . . So does he . . .
Eventually, Elena’s whole Dexter the Vampire rationale of “I only eat BAAADDDD PEOPLE,” goes right out the window. We see her later chomping on an innocent looking chica, who most definitely had an iPhone filled with adorable siblings. No matter! Elena was having much to much fun, to concern herself with petty details like morality.
And we all know what Elena does, whenever she’s having fun, right? You guessed it! It’s DelenaDANCESEX time!
I know a lot of people had mixed opinions about this scene. But I, for one, absolutely adored it. I loved how messy it was . . . how Damon and Elena were more drunkenly swaying than actually dancing. I loved how sweaty they were, how mussed both of their hair was, how their eyes looked bleary, glassy, and heavy lidded.
I even loved the ridiculousness of the fact that neither of them thought to wipe off the nasty-ass blood dripping from their mouths onto their shirts, despite the fact that, no matter how drunk people were at this party, surely SOMEONE would have noticed that.
Believe it or not, I think the sloppiness of the scene gave it an added sense of realism. If submitting to blood lust is a metaphor for being really drunk, or really high on drugs like ecstasy or heroine, it makes sense that the blood lusters would look and act like inebriated people. People who were truly living in the moment . . . not thinking, just feeling, and enjoying life . . . not caring what other onlookers might think of them.
Then, of course Cock Block Extraordinaire Bonnie has to pop by, in order to give Elena THAT LOOK . . . You know the one. It’s that all-too-familiar Judgy Bonnie look . . . the one that never fails to bring Elena right back to her boring self . . . which, of course, is Bonnie’s most impressive Super Power . . . MESMERIZING DULLNESS . . .
Judge not, lest Bonnie ALWAYS judges . . .
Elena scampers off in tears. She wants to go home, dammit! Damon, understandably, is a bit “miffed” by it all . . .
Try not to take it too personally, Damon. I think Elena’s just feeling guilty about chowing down on too many douchebag blood carbs. Now, she’ll NEVER be able to fit into that Miss Mystic Falls Gown!
Back home, and hanging out on Elena’s front porch, Elena and Damon engage in another version of what is basically the exact same conversation they have with one another every few episodes. And it basically boils down to this: Damon is a BAD BOY. Elena wants to be a GOOD GIRL. She’s afraid that if she keeps hanging out with Damon, she will
have wild, crazy, amazing vampire sex with him, and never ever want to stop . . . also become a BAD GIRL. So, she has to stay with Stefan, because he’s . . . you know . . . “good” and stuff at least, when he’s not murdering thousands of people across the Eastern Seaboard.
Stefan pops up on the porch, before things between Damon and Elena can get more heated (Geez, he and Bonnie make a great pair. TEAM COCKBLOCK!) Cue Elena b*tching and whining about how AWFUL it was drinking that SCARY blood from those SCARY college coeds’ necks. Oh, how she wishes she could have been home eating bunnies with Stefan . . . or knitting socks, or whatever it is “good” vampires are supposed to do on Friday nights . . .
Little does she know that Stefan has spent his day plotting and scheming with the baddest vampire around . . . his Secret Boyfriend Klaus . . .
50 Shades of Connor Jordan
My that Klaus! He really is a kinky bastard, isn’t he? I mean, I totally get why he needed to chain up the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, who is undoubtedly the key to his Next Big Plan! But putting him up against the wall, spread-eagled, half-naked, and, probably under a heat lamp (because no one sweats that much inside an air-conditioned home in the middle of Fall)? Come on, that was obviously an exhibition of Klaus’ S&M fantasies come true. (Watch out Caroline . . . and Stefan. Because you are both soooo next!
Speaking of kinky, another one of my favorite scenes this week was the one where one of Klaus’ nameless soon-to-be-dead hybrids comes to “tighten up” Connor’s S&M chains, and the vampire hunter ends up BITING OFF A RATHER LARGE CHUNK OF HIS EAR!
Seriously! I was not expecting that!
Cooler still? Connor actually had a logical reason for doing this, one that much more complex than a simple “I was hungry,” or “Hybrid ears taste like chicken.”
Nope . . . Connor bit Random Hybrid’s ear to STEAL HIS EARRING, AND USE IT TO UNLOCK HIS CHAINS! POSITIVELY GENIUS!
Smoke em if you’ve got em SUCKAS!
[Random sidenote: When I was a little kid, I used to drink a lot of Shirley Temples at parties. And if you’ve ever had a Shirley Temple, you know they come with a cherry garnish. Anyway, rumor has it that if you can tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue alone, that means you are a good kisser, and . . . if not . . . well . . .
Unfortunately, it’s something I’ve never been able to manage. Take from that what you will. All I can say is, given how tongue and teeth challenged I apparently am, I can 100% appreciate Connor Jordan’s ORAL PROWESS. It also makes me really want to make out with him . . . like . . . a lot.]
“And I’m too sexy for your ear . . . too sexy for your ear, too sexy, my dear!”
We’ll get back to Connor, and his teeth, in just a moment. But for now, let’s get back to Kinky Klaus and Studly Stefan, shall we?
It’s Time for Another Round of Ye Old Important Flashbacks . . .
Ever since Stefan showed up on his doorstep, sniffing around for information about The Five, Klaus has been hitting on him, in a major way. He’s definitely putting out all the stops . . . inviting him into his home, flattering him, invading his personal space, batting his puppy dog eyes. As I’ve been genuinely missing these two’s weekly game of Hide the Salami for quite some time (Ahhh . . . memories of Early Season 3), it was nice to see it again this week.
Klaus’ rationale for hitting on Stefan (aside from the obvious, of course) is that he wants Stefan to convince Rebekah to tell them both what she knows about The Five. Through the use of flashbacks (and lots of goofy lion’s mane wigs), we learn that Rebekah used to occasionally hump one of these mystical FIVE, back in the day. And that he, may or may not, have pillow-talked all his dirty secrets to the Original Vamp.
“I’ll show you my fangs, if you show me your fire crotch.”
Stefan is initially immune to Klaus’ charms, until Klaus evokes the magical spell that never fails to make Stefan puddy in his hands. Just in case you ever happen to run into Stefan, and want him to become your
sex slave, I’d be more than happy to share the words of this spell with you. Here it is: “DO IT FOR ELENA.”
Yes, once again, Klaus has made Stefan his loyal puppy dog, by evoking the Elena Clause in their Occasional F*ck Buddy Contract. Stefan pops by the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where Rebekah apparently still hasn’t moved, since being rejected by Matt there hours ago. Maybe she’s under the “DO IT FOR ELENA” spell too . . . Stefan somehow convinces Rebekah to temporarily play nice with her brother. And eventually the three end up making plans for dinner.
(By the way, remember when Rebekah and Stefan used to be in loooooove with one another? Because, sometimes, I feel like the writers don’t remember it at all . . .)
The Scene that Will Inevitably Spawn 1,000 Jeremy/Connor Slash Fanfics
Meanwhile, back at the Hybrid House of Horrors, Klaus, remembering that a couple of weeks ago, Jeremy went from being “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead People” to “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead Ancient Invisible Ink Tattoos,”
kidnaps invites Mini Gilbert over for an impromptu art session, whereby Jeremy will draw the tatts from Connor’s Hot Glistening Body. (Mental Note: Time to sign up for one of those art classes, where you sit for an hour each week, and draw naked people. It’s suddenly sounding like a great idea!)
“Just let your Inner Goddess fly free!”
Connor is a little pouty with Jeremy. Because he thought the two of them were TATT BROTHERS, and now, here Jeremy is “drawing for the Enemy.” To this valid accusation, Jeremy responds, more or less . . . wait for it . . . “I’M DOING IT FOR ELENA.”
“Oh, well, if you are DOING IT FOR ELENA, than I forgive you,” replies Connor. (Just kidding . . . sort of.)
Connor explains to Jeremy that his ability to see the tattoo marks him as a “potential” SUPER Vampire Hunter (which sounds very Buffy the Vampire Slayer-y to me). He also explains how his tattoos grow each time he murders another vampire. Well, that sure is cost-efficient. Tattoos can be expensive!
What we eventually learn is that, as bad ass a vampire hunter as Connor might be, he’s apparently not bad ass enough to have a complete Vampire-Killing Arm Tattoo. Klaus examines Jeremy’s drawing and finds it to be woefully incomplete . . . FOR NOW . . .
Ye Olde Flashbacks 2: Electric Boogaloo
A little while later, Klaus, Stefan and Rebekah sit down for one of their deliciously dysfunctional family dinners. I always love it when Klaus caters a meal on this show. He always puts about ten fancy courses of food on the table, and then NOBODY EVER EATS!
That’s got to really dust his doilies, don’t you think? Maybe he should start spiking the dishes with Soccer Mom blood. Then, at least, he wouldn’t have so many leftovers . . .
Fake dinner seems like a great opportunity for another flashback. And, so, we get one, in short order. Just as Klaus suspected, Rebekah’s lover, Vampire Hunter Alex was quite the Chatty Kathy during sex.
“Check it out. This sword and these tattoos together form a road map to my weiner . . . you know, just in case you can’t find it on your own.”
In a state of presumed post-coital bliss, Alex reveals, both to Rebekah, and to us, that the Five have a weapon that will surely wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth . . .A CURE TO VAMPIRISM . . .
Yeah, yeah . . . I think we all pretty much knew that was coming . . .
What does surprise me about this plot point, though, is how long this supposed vampire cure has purportedly been around. You would think, for example, that Witchy Mama Esther or even Evil Vampire Eater Mikael would have heard about it, and at least tried to find it, before resorting to attempting to murder their own children . . . Just a thought . . .
Poor Rebekah! She’s starting to rival Elijah and Alaric as Most Murdered Character on TVD! Not long after Alex spills the beans to her about the Vampire Cure, he stabs her with a white oak stake, along with the rest of her siblings. Rat BASTARD!
“Dear sister, I thought your room could use a bit of sprucing up. How do you like your new wall decor?“
Fortunately for us, Klaus is immune to White Oak Stakedom, and takes this opportunity to murder Alex and one of his FIVE-Y friends, conveniently leaving the other three alive to spawn Connor Jordan, Mini Gilbert, and whatever other sexy male guest stars TVD chooses to introduce in the near future.
Vampire Hunter Nick Miller, anyone?
But wait a minute. If Klaus already knew all this crud about The Five, why is he bothering Poor Rebekah with bad memories of yet another lover her used her and discarded her like trash?
A-ha! See, this is where things get sort of interesting. Apparently, those crazy tattoos Connor has on his body are a map to the Vampire Cure. And the key to reading that map is on the sword of each of the Original Five. Klaus (rightfully) as it turns out, assumes that Rebekah knows where that sword is. Once found, that sword, combined with Jeremy’s drawing, will enable Klaus to locate the cure, give it to Elena, and then continue to use her as a bloodbag for the creation of new hybrids.
Nifty plan, right? Except, Rebekah’s not budging with the information, no matter how many threats or insults Klaus hurls her way . . .
Hey Klaus, haven’t you ever heard the saying you catch more vampire siblings with honey? Wait . . . that’s not how it goes.
Rebekah storms off in huff, but Klaus seems unmoved. As it turns out, this was precisely his plan. You see, Klaus wanted to put Rebekah in an emotional enough state to reveal the location of the secret sword to STEFAN. And why again would Stefan want to help Klaus? Repeat after me, everyone, “HE’S DOING IT FOR ELENA.”
That’s right. Because if Elena can be made human again, she can revert back to the sweet docile kittenish girl Stefan always loved, cherished and worshipped, as opposed to the naughty keg standing, motorcycle riding, doucheboy drinking, Damon sucking
soon-to-be Damon screwing, pencil flinging vampire girl she has become . . .
This recap has become long enough as it is, so I’m not going to bore you with the details. Long story short, Stefan cleverly manipulates the vulnerable Rebekah’s romantic side into revealing that she buried Alex’s sword, along with his corpse, in the church where the couple was to be married . . . you know, before he stabbed her in the chest, and her brother cut out his heart . . . otherwise known as The Good Old Days.
Klaus is conveniently around to hear this information, and, for reasons I don’t quite understand, decides to stake Rebekah again, upon receiving it.
“Trust me, this hurts me way more than it is hurting you.”
“Somehow, I doubt that . . .“
Seriously, dude? AGAIN! Klaus, you have to find better ways to express your emotions than staking your siblings every time they piss you off. You’re becoming like that kid in the Twilight Zone movies, who keeps sending everyone in his family to the Evil Cornfield every time they don’t give him candy, or enforce his bedtime. It’s time to get another outlet for your anger. Might I suggest the batting cages, or S&M sessions with Connor and Jeremy . . .
Speaking of people you secretly want to have sex with, Klaus. Could you explain to me why you felt the need to keep this whole “sword / tattoo” map thing a BIG Secret between you and Stefan?
Is it because you think it will make it easier to get into his pants, while you two are spending hours alone scheming with one another behind closed bedroom doors? Don’t you think Damon the Scooby Gang could you help you find it faster, than just the two of you working alone?
Just saying . . .
So many headless hybrids, so little time . . .
And so our Big Bad Sexy Shirtless Scoundrel Connor uses that trusty earring to break free from Klaus’ Den of Rough Sex, just as we knew he would. But geez, did he HAVE to decapitate ANOTHER one of Klaus’ precious hybrids. You would think these guys are human PEZ Dispensers, given how easily their heads pop off at the slightest touch . . .
Connor Jordan . . . gives good head.
Connor’s action, of course, has the added benefit of conveniently finishing off his Vampire Hunter tattoo. I wonder how many bloodsuckers he had to do in, to earn all those stripes . . . I wonder if you get more “points” for killing hybrids . . . so many questions. . . .
In the final scene, we see a pissed off Connor whining to his leader. “Why did you send me to this PLACE, where all anybody ever does is have flashbacks, and sit around and talk about how they are ‘DOING IT FOR ELENA?”
WAH, WAH, WAH . . . cry me a bloody river, Connor. But in all honesty, I’d be interested in knowing the answer to this question too. What say you, Connor’s Exalted Leader. . . Professor Boo Radley?
Next week, on The Vampire Diaries . . .
See you then, Fangbangers!