Tag Archives: Talbot

The Girl Who Cried Wolf (and Beeeeeeeelllll!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Night on the Sun”

Aww, don’t cry, Sookie!  You’ll get to eat your Taco Beeeeelll soon enough.

Bite me, Sookeh!

For me, this week’s installment of True Blood can really be broken down into two parts:  the touchy feely, first part, where the entire cast had a good cry, conquered their nightmares, and got in touch with their respective femine sides; and the AWESOME second part, where everybody went commando (in more ways then one!), got dirty, fought, screwed and killed, one another (usually in that order).

That being said, there was ONE part of the second half of this week’s True Blood that truly saddened me . . .

No!  I’m not talking about the absence of Lorena and her Ribcage Hat (though that saddened me too)!  I’m talking about the loss of someone VERY special.

Dear sweet, Talbot!  Oh, how I’ll miss your zany temper tantrums and scrumptious blood gelato!

On that sad note, what do you say, we all dry our tears, and get on with this recap.  This way, we can get to the good stuff (a.k.a. the killing and screwing) faster?  Talbot would have wanted it that way . . .

“Sookie, are you brain damaged?”

“Well, gosh, Jason!  I don’t know.  Why don’t you ask my boyfriend who I took back for a good lay, after he dumped me, screwed a crazy b&tch vampire behind my back, and drained me of all my blood, nearly killing me?” 

“Well, seeing as I only drained her neck and chest, her brain should be pretty much in tact.  Then again, she does share some of your genes, Jason . . . and she did take my lame ass back at the end of the episode.  So, who knows?”

This episode pretty much begins where the last one left off.  Sookie is screaming her head off at the sight of Taco Bill, who has just saved her life by inserting some of his blood into her hospital IV.  (Nevermind the fact, that she wouldn’t even BE in the hospital if it wasn’t for him!) 

While Jason is pondering his sister’s post-accident “lack of intelligence” (pot calling kettle much?),  Alcide immediately jumps in to defend Sookie from Bill.  And it is SUPER hot!  “I don’t take orders from VAMPS!”  The big meaty hunk of man answers, after the scrawny pale-faced Vampire Bill tells him to sit down.

Please allow me a moment to retrieve my panties from the floor . . .

(Don’t get me wrong.  I always have been, and always will be, a Team Eric member.  But would a short-term stopover at Sexy Alcide be such a bad thing?  I think not!  After all, our Sookie has all eternity to spend with the Big Viking.  And as for Alcide?  Well, even the shortest of flings can seem like a long happy marriage in DOG YEARS!)

Cake topper for the Herveaux – Stackhouse Wedding. 

Once everybody has calmed down a bit, Sookie asks to speak with Dollar Menu Item Bill alone.  The gang reluctantly leave the room.  Two of the world’s smallest violins begin to play simultaneously, as these two perform their respective “It’s not you, it’s me,” breakup monologues.

 

“From the day we met, it’s been one big bloody fight,” blubbers Sookie, snot running attractively from her nose.  “I keep waiting for it to be normal, but you keep giving me indigestion with your fake meat, Taco Man  it’s never going to be normal with us, is it?”

“I want you to have the life you deserve, and I can’t give it to you,” whines Bill, his mascara bloody tears running down his cheeks, making him look a bit like this  . . .

 . . . give or take 100 years . . .

With nothing left to say, Bill removes the IV from his hand, and exits the hospital, leaving a hysterical Sookie in his wake, and and open IV tube dripping V on the floor . . .

“Sookie, may I clean your floor with my tongue?”

“They killed my COOTER!”

“Gourmet, it isn’t.   But it sure beats Taco Beeeeellll!”

“In more ways than one . . .”

Speaking of the now Cooter-less, Trash O’Deb, she is back at Russell’s mansion, begging the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi for the opportunity to seek vengeance on Sookie for butchering her private par . . . um . . . boyfriend.  Unfortunately, Big Gay Russell already has his hands full.  Upon marrying Russell, Queen Sophie Anne has decided to move into his mansion, along with, her girl toy Hadley, and all of their personal belongings.  This was a TERRIBLE choice, in my opinion.  After all, Sophie’s Anne’s original digs seemed significantly larger and WAY more impressive than Russell’s . . .

 .  . . no offense, Talbot.

Speaking of Talbot, he is none too pleased about these new living arrangements.  Nor is he happy with the news that Russell murdered the magister, or that Kingy will once again be leaving the castle, this time to hunt down Sookie Glow Fingers.  Fortunately for Talbot (or, unfortunately, as we will see later), Eric has returned, to save the day, his blue panty dropper sweater, only slightly soiled with bits of Magister brain . . .

 . . . which is precisely why I told him to take it off . . .

“I’ll keep Talbot company,” offers Eric.

But Vampire Russell is still skeptical (as it turns out, with good reason).  He is not sure he can trust the Sexy Viking.

So, Vampire Eric launches into the world’s sappiest, most over dramatic, faux Shakespearean monologue of all time.  While on his knees, no less, Eric waxes poetic about how Russell is the true leader he’s been waiting for for a thousand years, and how much he wants to serve him, and blah, blah, blah .  . .  I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it.

But, apparently, Big Gay King Russell has an ego the size of Mississippi.  This Idiot actually buys all of Eric’s crap, and promptly heads on his merry way over to Bon Temps.  That night, Eric, who LUUUUUUVES Sookie . . .

 (even though he has pretended not to and been a total tool to her for the past couple of episodes)  . . . promptly sends her a warning message, overnight delivery, by Fedex, Sookie’s cousin, Hadley.

The message:  “Russell is coming.  Don’t trust Beeeeeeeell!”

Sookie is happy to see her cousin, but assumes there’s not much she can do about Russell coming, because whereever she goes, he’s probably going to find her anyway.  As Hadley rushes from Sookie’s house, Sookie overhears through Hadley’s thoughts that Russell and Eric now know what Sookie is . . . even though Sookie still thinks she’s an alien.

Soo-kie phone home!

“If I was smart, I would have fallen in love with someone like you [Alcide].”

“Damn straight, Glow Fingers!”

While Eric is protecting Sookie’s interests across statelines, her harem of men is doing the same thing at home.  BFFs Andy and Jason, the best 1 and 1/2 cop duo around, arrive at Sookie house immediately after she was released from the hospital, with offers to press charges against Burrito Brain Bill, for deflating her like a popped balloon . . .

“Why does it suddenly smell like tacos in here?  Must be Sookie’s new blood.”

When Sookie refuses to press charges, like the futured battered wife she is (“He didn’t mean it!”  She coos.), Andy and Jason leave, but not before Jason vows to go all Rambo on Vampire Bill’s ass!

“Welcome to the Gun Show, Breakfast Burrito!”

Alcide wants to stay and protect Sookie too, but he has to go back to Jackson because his character wasn’t officially made into a series regular until Season 4 he needs to protect his family from Trailer Trash Debbie.

Sigh!

“Sookie, you are tougher than a one-eared alley cat,” he begins . . .  (Ummm, you may be hot Alcide, but you sure are BAD at coming up with analogies.  And I’m not the only one who thinks so . . .)

Alcide, I think you’ve made it angry . . .

“I just hate to leave you alone, during all this,” Alcide concludes, brushing his hands lovingly across Sookie’s face, and running his fingers through her hair, as she gazes dreamily into his eyes.  (MAN!  I’m jealous!  Now I know how Trailer Trash Debbie feels!)

Following Tara’s request that Alcide “flirt some sense into her” . . .

“And all these seasons, you thought I was a sh*tty friend!  I’m trying to get you laid by a non-corpse, Sookie!  That’s love!”

Alcide returns for a quickie to Sookie’s house to say goodbye.  After admitting that they would be better off together then with the blood drinking wackadoos they both love currently, the almost-couple share an almost-kiss that.  Said almost-kiss, in my opinion, is ten times hotter than the porn fest Sookie engages in with Taco Bill, at the end of the episode.

And then he leaves . . .

“See you in your dreams!”

Speaking of Sookie’s friend, Tara, she’s been suffering a bit of that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, her cousin Lafayette endured during Season 2.  She refuses to talk to anyone about being kidnapped by Franklin Mott; or how he almost made her into his Vampire Bride; or how she made HIM into chop suey (or taco meat, whichever you prefer) . . .

Hungry for some Mott’s?

Tara’s nightmares about Franklin range from the pornographic to the violent . . .

 . . . just like Franklin, himself.

“That’s my baby inside of you.”

Tara isn’t the only one having “killer” dreams, Arlene was having them too, only her dreams starred her former fiance, and Season 1’s Big Bad Serial Killer with the kickass fake Cajun accent, Rene Lenier.  “I came to see my baby.  It has my blood, my genes,” taunts Dream Renee, as he ogles Arlene’s near-naked body.    When we found out the baby wasn’t Terry’s a few episodes back, we all assumed it was Renee’s.  Now we know for sure (sort of). 

Once he had successfully frightened the stuffing out of Arlene, Dream Renee woke her up by gently caressing her neck, just like THIS . . .

Arlene’s new choker necklace.

Do you think they test for the “serial killer gene” during an amniocentesis?  For Arlene’s sake, I sure hope so!

“Good riddens, Mommy Mickens!”

In Sam’s trailer trash family news, Sam’s annoying Bio Mom showed up on his porch naked . . .

 .  . . to retrieve her belongings and beg her elder son for money.

Then she left, and Tommy Boy cried . . .

Sorry, wrong Tommy Boy . . . 

THIS GUY cried at the loss of Mommy Mickens.  But True Blood fans did this . . .

Later that evening, little Tommy Mickens made me like him less, by picking on sweet adorable Hoyt . . .

. . . and threatening to kick his ass, for no other reason than that Hoyt used to date Jessica, who Tommy apparently has a crush on.  “She’s got a REAL MAN, now!”  Tommy insists, implying himself.

(Ummm .  . . really?  Maybe you’re a big tough guy in the DOG HOUSE, Tommy, but in the real world, you’re kind of short.  And you look about twelve.  Just saying . . .)

Sam tries to set Tommy right, and get him to start thinking about his future.  But Tommy is cranky and just wants his dog bone.

Chew slow Tommy.  Because THIS is the closest you are going to get to being BONED for a LONG TIME!

“I release you!”

“Cowardly Vampire say what?”

While Sam is working hard to be the father Tommy never had, Vampire Bill is busy treating Jessica like she never HAD a Vampire Father / Maker.   Upon returning home, following a long stay in Jackson, Mississippi, Bill is greeted with open arms by Vampire Jessica.  He rejects her affections almost immediately.  “You can’t stay here.   I can’t look after you, anymore.  I’m no good,”  Bill whines . . .

And there go those violins again . . .

But Jessica refuses to leave.  She explains to Bill how she had lost control and killed that human a little while back, and how she needs Bill’s help to control her vampiric instincts.  (Not that Mr. Messy Sookie Eater is such a good role model in the “self control” department.)

“I’ll go back on my diet, tomorrow.  I promise!”

Jess and Bill then bond over the fact that they have both broken up with the people they love (Hoyt and Sookie, respectively), because they feel they are not good enough to deserve these special humans.  HALF of them are right.  Bet you can’t guess, which half?

Eventually, the two hug it out, and Bill decides to let his “ward” stick around.  He also gives her a little lesson on fighting werewolves .  . . werewolves that will HOPEFULLY look nothing like THIS . . .

Jason Stackhouse is in LOVE . . .

 . . . and so are we . . .

While Bill is teaching Jessica how to fight off werewolves, Jason is working to fight off, whatever the heck it is that Crystal’s family IS.   (If you’ve read the books, you already know.)  Jason is at home, gearing up to kill Bill  . . .

 .  . . for what he did to Sookie, when he is interrupted by a knock on his door.  It’s THIS GIRL!

 . . . except she’s all wet and has this gross bloody eye.  Crystal claims she is being chased down by the members of her community, particularly, Felton, her arranged marriage partner, and future abusive husband.  To get away, she needs Jason’s van.  But Jason gives her his c*ck instead. 

A fair trade, if you ask me . . .

Crystal admits that Felton gave her the bloody eye, when she told him she didn’t want to marry him anymore.  This excites Jason immensely, who sees lots more bunny screwing for him and Crystal, in the near future . . .

However, since he DID promise to protect Crystal and not just f*ck her, Jason heads down to her trailer park to set things right.  There he meets the head of the trailer park, Calvin who more or less threatens his life . . .  I hope all those guns of yours are loaded, Mr. Stackhouse, because you are WAY too pretty to die!

“You are a powerful man.  I need to protect you.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but nothing makes ME feel safer than when a crazy lady waves a steak knife in my face . . .

You know who else should be investing in some weaponry to protect himself?  Lafayette.  Our favorite fry cook / V dealer came home from an evening of babysitting Sookie Glow Fingers and PTSD Tara, to find his schizophrenic nutjob of a mom wandering his house, and babbling on about protecting her son from the vampires and other supernatural creatures.  She escaped the mental institution to rescue Lafayette, because of how “powerful” he is.  And when she says powerful, she must mean “powerful in bed,” because moments later, THIS GUY shows up . . .

Sorry, wrong Jesus.  THIS GUY . . .

Jesus wishes to retrive Lafayette’s mother, and return her to the loony bin where she clearly belongs.  The pair chat some more about how bad it is that Lafayette deals V.  But before you know it, the two of them are going at it like rabbits . . .

“I’m bored.   Take off your clothes.”

“Going at it like bunnies.”  That was exactly what Talbot wanted to do with Vampire Eric, when he got tired of playing chess with him.  “I’m bored.  Take off your clothes,” demands Talbot, like the simpering toddler he is.

Eric complies, feigning a bit of shyness as he removes his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater.  “I’ve never done this before,” admits Eric.

“With another man?”  Talbot asks.

“No with another vampire,” replies Eric.

The two start “riding the pony” . . .

 . . . and getting comfortable with one another, when Eric finally urges Talbot to lay down on his stomach.  When Talbot complies, Eric stakes the poor bastard, but not before dramatically monologuing so that the poor schlub is absolutely certain he is about to meet his maker .  . . his OTHER maker.  “King Russell, you killed my family, and now I am going to kill yours,” yells Eric, as he plunges a stake into Talbots back repeatedly and fatally.

“NOOOOOOOO!”  Talbot screamed, just before he died.

“NOOOOOOO!”  TV Recapper screamed, knowing she was out one prospective interior decorator for her future home.

Goodbye, Talbot, you will always be my favorite Mississippi Queen!

But now that Talbot is gone, we must return our focus to Vampire Eric, who is now covered in his blood.  Might I suggest a bath to cleanse you of your sins, Mr Viking?

Or a shower, perhaps?

“Get out of my house, B&TCH!”

In the last few moments of the episode, Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

 .  . . and her werewolf cronies, arrive at Sookies house.   While Sookie LITERALLY wrestles with Debbie on the ground, Vampire Bill and Vampire Jessica arrive on the scene to handle the werewolf cronies.    But just when a proud Vampire Jessica is about to make her first werewolf kill, Big Gay Russell magically appears and grabs her by the neck . . .

“Us vampires travel fast, lots of frequent flier miles.”

Russell offers to give up Vampire Jessica in exchange for Sookie.  Bill is torn, for a moment, between sacrificing his lover and his “child.”  Fortunately, he doesn’t end up having to make this decision, because Jessica gets away, with her werewolf in hot pursuit.   Now evenly matched, Russell and Bill begin to literally fight over Sookie.  Just when it seems as though Bill might be done for, Russell “feels” the death of Talbot, and “flies away.”  No .  . . really.  Debbie then randomly ditches her fight with Sookie too. 

 In the last few seconds, of the episode, Bill and Sookie reunite.  As the credits begin to role, they are screwing hardcore on Sookie’s bedroom floor.  And while the scene is admittedly hotter than that time a dirty naked Bill got down with Sookie on top of some coffins in the cemetery, it still doesn’t quite “do it” for me.

Then again, what do I know?  I’m just a fan.  I can’t always expect to have my Taco Beeelll, and eat it too . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Ding Dong the B*tch is Dead! (And so is the Magister!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Hitting the Ground”

This week on True Blood, we have a TWO for ONE, Dead Vampire Special!  Get ’em while their bloody!  (Heads sold separately.)

And for a limited time, we will even throw in a DEAD WEREWOLF!  Call now, while supplies last!

Well, certainly no one could say this episode was uneventful!  All of the show’s major plotlines advanced significantly from where they were at this time last week.  Plus, as I mentioned earlier, we lost, not one, not two, but THREE big bad villians (two of which were REALLY annoying!)  As if that wasn’t enough, we also made some strides in figuring out what the heck Sookie Glow Fingers IS!  (Unless, of course, you’ve read the books, in which case you already know.)

Hint:  She is NOT an alien!

So, without further adieu, let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Guess she’ll never get to wear that Rib Cage Hat she always wanted . . .

It gives the phrase “Fashion Suicide” a whole new meaning . . .

When the episode opens, we are hanging out in the slave quarters with Sookie, Lorena, and a Very Bloody Bill.  Lorena literally has Sookie by the neck, and she’s biting down .  . . HARD!  She pauses for a moment to savor her meal.  “You’re delicious,” Lorena remarks. 

(Who knew blood was such a complex gourmet delicacy?  Later in the episode, Eric rated Hadley’s blood three stars.  I’m betting Sookie’s more of a five-star meal . . .)

“I would very much like to serve her with my blood gelato!  Delicious!”

Lorena then echos Season 2 villian Maryanne’s sentiments, by exclaiming out loud to Sookie, “What are you?”

Unfortunately for Lorena, she doesn’t have much time to ponder this question, because Bill has somehow managed to unnail himself from the floor.  He then grabs Lorena from behind (kinky!) and pulls her on top of him, wrapping the evil wench in the silver chains that earlier immobilized him.  Sookie grabs hold of a stake and holds it over Lorena, as Bill restrains her.  “Do it!”  Bill implores.

But Sookie hesitates, until Lorena offers a final pitying plea.  “I love you,” she whines to Bill, tears dripping down her sallow cheeks. 

“You wouldn’t know love if it bit you in the face,” screams Sookie, as she pummels the stake into Lorena’s chest, causing the latter’s innards to spew forth like water from a geyser.

Thirsty?

Wading through soggy bits of Lorena, Sookie finally makes her way over to Bill, who’s alive, but barely.  Unfortunately for them, their oh-so-romantic reunion is interrupted, when Alcide and Tara bust through the doors, ready to rescue!

My hero!

Oh . . . yeah .  . . you too, I guess.

Alcide wants the group to skedaddle, since they have werewolves on their tail.  But noooo . . . Sookie’s all, “Beeeel, Beeelll!  I can’t leave Beeeell!”

So, despite Tara’s repeated pleas that they leave him to rot, the group ultimately decide to drag “Beeeeeel” with them.  They wrap him up in an old white blanket, and slowly move the DEAD (in more ways then one) weight toward the door.  But they can’t leave yet, because someone else has joined the party.  It’s Trailer Trash Debbie!

Just like Malibu Barbie, only skankier.

“A Vampire Burrito, for me?  Oh, you shouldn’t have!”  Deb exclaims, drool seeping out both sides of her vampire-blood addicted mouth.

“Yo Quiero, Taco Bill!”

Trailer Trash Debbie waves a gun in everybody’s face, hoping our stalwart crew will give up the burrito without a fight.  Alcide tries to reason with the girl.  But there’s no just no reasoning with Stupid.  Fortunately, Tara has a plan, which she thinks about in her head, using Sookie’s mind reading abilities to her advantage.  It’s about time SOMEONE did this! 

“Cause a distraction, and I’ll do the rest,” thinks Tara.

So, Sookie “distracts” in the way she knows best, namely, SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF!  (Something she does quite a lot throughout the episode, and, yet, never seems to lose her voice.  Wow, that IS magical!  Sookie’s annoying scream is a much deadlier weapon than her Glow Fingers, in my opinion.)

“Beeeeeeeeeeeel!”

While Debbie contemplates suicide (anything to make that ungodly noise stop), Tara tackles her to the ground, just as Bill did to the now-dead Lorena earlier.  Strengthened by Psycho Vampire Franklin’s blood, Tara is fairly adept at keeping Debbie down.  That is, of course, until the slave quarters are visited by yet another guest.  (Geez, who sent out the party invitations?)  It’s COOT!

“Hello . . .  goodbye.”

Boy, for all his hemming and hawing about doing anything to help Sookie up to this point, Alcide sure was quick on the trigger to shoot and kill Coot!  In fact, after nailing him with a bullet to the heart, he shot him again in the chest, just to make sure he REALLY got him.

“Now, who has the Best Abs of Them All?  B*tch!”

As Tara and Sookie carry Bill Burrito out of the slave quarters, Alcide stays behind to engage in some hot foreplay with Trailer Trash Deb!

  “Gunplay Sex.  It’s a Were Thing.   You wouldn’t understand.”

Obviously, the addition of this scene was meant to add some sort of insight into why someone FABULOUS, like Alcide, would waste his time and energy on a Greasy Royal Nutball, like Trailer Trash Debbie.  However,  it just didn’t ring true for me.  First, Trailer Trash Debbie starts crying big ole’ crocodile tears about Alcide not wanting to have  a were baby with her.

“Awww, Debbie!  It has your she-mullet!”

Then, she accuses Alcide of turning on his “own kind.”  Finally, she threatens to hunt him down and kill him.  Alcide says nothing.  He simply sighs, locks Trailer Trash Debbie in the slave quarters, and leaves.

Out back, Tara and Sookie are waiting by Alcide’s truck, into which they have just tossed Burrito Bill.  Ever the glutton for punishment, Sookie refuses to leave Bill’s side, and is therefore chucked into the back of the truck with him.  As Alcide, Tara, Sookie, and Bill escape Russell’s compound, the evil Wolf Pack begin to give chase . . .

NO!  Not that Wolf Pack, this wolf pack . . .

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!”

And, you gotta hand it to Alcide, because AGAIN the dude didn’t even think twice, before running the evil bowsers over with his car and turning them into roadkill stew.  Now, I hate to EVER agree with Trailer Trash Debbie, but her earlier comment about Alcide turning on his own kind?   Kind of true.

It’s a good thing you’re so pretty!

Meanwhile, in the back of the truck, Sookie slices her wrist open so that Bill can feed and revive himself.  Things start off OK, but we ALL know from past experience that Bill is an extremely piggy eater.

“What can I say?  I eat my feelings.”

Within minutes, he’s pinned Sookie to the floor, and has drained enough blood from her, so as to render the poor girl unconscious.  When Tara finds out, she’s pissed!  She immediately tosses Burrito Bill’s ass out into the summer sun, before slamming the door to the truck  and driving away.

“Was it something I ate?”

Fortunately, for Bill, he has enough strength, thanks to his Sookie Smorgasboard, to dash back into the safety of the Darkness.

 Just Like in the Fairytales . . . (if fairytales included vampires, which they usually don’t)

“Sookie, I don’t think we’re in Bon Temps anymore!”

Tara and Alcide rush Sookie to the hospital where doctors and nurses attempt a blood transfusion on her to compensate for all that blood Burrito Bill took.  But the minute the blood enters Sookie’s system she begins to convulse.  “Try a different blood type,” Tara pleads.

“You’re friend doesn’t have a blood type,” explains the doctor. 

“She’s in a coma.  You should notify her family and prepare them,” explains the doctor

No blood type?  Who doesn’t have a bloodtype?  Maybe Sookie is an alien after all!

Poor E.T. Sookie!

 Tara calls Jason, who has been busy throughout the episode, trying to score Crystal’s drug addicted cousin some meth, so that he will spill the beans as to why she won’t date him.  Because, REALLY, who in their right mind wouldn’t date Jason Stackhouse?

Someone crazy AND blind, that’s who!

Upon hearing the news, Lafayette rushes Jason to the hospital, and the two men are at Sookie’s bedside almost immediately.  When a lawyer rushes upon Jason and starts to pepper him with “next of kin” questions, Jason becomes extremely flustered.  “I can’t be responsible.  I am not responsible,” repeats Jason over and over again like a child.

It’s kind of heartbreaking, actually . . .

Meanwhile, Sookie is having a grand old time in Dreamland or Comaland, or whereever the heck she wakes up in that frilly tutu-type outfit she’s wearing.  Tutu Sookie wanders toward a glowing lake, filled with frolicking, half-naked folks.  It is at this lake that she meets Claudine . . .

 Claudine and Sookie seem very close, even though Sookie has never met her in her life.  And Claudine has this weird airy and disembodied voice, that reminds me of what I sound like when I’m really drunk but trying to act sober.  Speaking of drunk, lord knows what’s in that glowing cup, Claudine fills for Sookie!  “You’ve drank it before,” insists Claudine, as the two leave to go frolicking in the forest with the rest of the wackadoo nudie hippies.

But then, suddenly, the sky in Comaland goes black, and all of the wackadoo hippies escape into the safety of the waters.  “Come with us,” implores Claudine. “Your parents didn’t drown, that wasn’t what killed them,” she continues, reading Sookie’s fear of water, just as Sookie has read the minds of so many others before her.

But of course, Sookie won’t go.  After all, she KNOWS that darkness!  It’s “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll!”

Yes, ladies and gentleman our Vampire Almost Sookie Killer has arrived at the hospital.  Bill, who unlike everyone else on the show,  seems to know EXACTLY what Sookie is, instantly recognizes that human blood will not be able to help her.  His blood, however, will.  Ignoring Tara’s exclamation of “Oh hell no,” Bill emplores Jason to let Sookie have a taste.

The adorable Jason reluctantly complies.  And it’s so friggin cute, how this grown man, who was once addicted to V, flinches like a child about to get a shot, when Bill opens up a vein with his teeth.  Then again, coming from the guy who still believes in Santa at 30, are we really surprised?

“Santa?”

Bill attaches his arm to the IV, and allows his blood to flow in to Sookie’s bloodstream, effectively saving the life he had almost taken.

(I’d like to take a moment here, if you don’t mind, to give a little nod to my fellow Sookie Stackhouse Book readers, who know that this was NOT how it was supposed to go down!  Now I know, Alan Ball is certainly entitled to take a few liberties between the books and the series, but why this one?  Especially when the original plotline was so much sexier . .  .

 . . . It’s times like these when I wonder whether Alan Ball and I are on the same “Team,” if you catch my drift?)

Yet, when Sookie wakes up and sees the “love of her life,” by her side, she screams her head off.  And it’s not a loving “Beeeeeeeeeelllll” scream, either . . . 

Trouble i paradise, I presume?

Meanwhile . . .

It’s a “dog eat dog” world out there . . . literally.

Determined to rescue Tommy from the wild and wacky world of dogfighting, Sam drives down to East Deliverance Bon Temps (complete with a Dueling Banjos soundtrack) in an attempt to infiltrate the dog fighting ring and rescue Tommy.  The owner of the ring doesn’t trust Sam, despite that ridiculous “I’m a cool bad ass mo fo” voice Sam uses on him, in order to gain access.   So, Sam, always a “thinker,” morphs into a pit bull . . .

Hi Sam!

 . . . and wanders into the holding pen himself, where he is quickly led to a cage by some toothless wonder.  But before Toothless can lock him up, Sam morphs back into his hot shirtless human form . . .

Yippee!

 . . . and beats the crap out of the guy.  He then literally “Let’s the Dogs Out,” all of them . . .

When the dog fight patrons see all their dogs escaping into the wild, they abandon the dog match they are currently watching (which just so happens to feature Tommy and some ACTUAL dog), to go salvage their respective meal tickets.  With his magic Dog Whisperer tendencies, Sam gets the dog who is fighting Tommy to escape as well, so that only he and the Mickens remain in the ring.  Ma and Pa do not look happy to see him. 

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!”

 “I thought Tara’s mom was crazy, but you guys take the cake,” scolds Sam, forgetting that the Mickens don’t have a television, and, therefore can’t watch True Blood, and don’t know who the f*ck Tara’s mom is.

Sam implores Tommy to escape the suffocating wrath of his evil Trashy Parents and come live with him.  “I can’t promise you a perfect life, but it is sure as hell going to be better than the one you have now,” he pitches.

“Sounds fab!”

So, Sam and Tommy ride off into the sunset.  And they all live happily ever after . . . well, almost . . .

In Other News . . .

Hoyt’s BACK!

But he’s not with Jessica . . .

He’s with this chick instead . . .

At least for now . . . But I’m not worried . . .

Because Perpetual Virgin love always wins out in the end!

Weddings can make you lose your head . . .

Poor J.J. from Big Love.  We barely knew ye . . . (but, already, we didn’t like you very much).

Back in the Queen’s castle, Sophie Anne is somehow locked in a giant bird cage.

“Is this supposed to be some kind of metaphor or something?”

Eric strolls on to the scene, still wearing that fabulous Panty Dropper Blue Sweater we all love so much, and handling Sophie Anne’s girl toy, Hadley.

Eric basically threatens Sophie Anne to tell him everything she knows about Sookie, or he’ll eat her girlfriend.  Sophie Anne looks visibly shaken by this news, but refuses to speak.  However, the minute Eric’s fangs break into Hadley’s skin, HADLEY starts talking.  Hadley explains that she is Sookie’s cousin.  She also whispers in Eric’s ear what exactly Sookie is.  Unfortunately the audience can’t hear it. 

Eric looks surprised, and a little turned on by the discovery.  “Well, now that’s something I wouldn’t have expected,” he muses, feeding Hadley some of his blood as a reward.

So, it looks like SOMEONE else will be having hot Vampire Eric Dreams, very soon . . . LUCKY B*TCH!

Eric, Sophie Anne, and Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi Russell then head back to Shreveport, where the Evil Magister is about to pierce poor Vampire Pam’s eyebrows.

“Oh, that is not going to match my wardrobe at all!”

Eric implores the Magister to stop, explaining that it was Sophie Anne, not Eric who ordered the dealing of the  V.  Sophie Anne surprises the Magister, by corroborating this.  The Magister is noticeably shocked that a “subjec”t like Eric would betray his Queen, and that she would allow it.   “I pledge complete fealty to the Vampire King of Mississippi,” explains Eric.

 This is when scary Russell butts in to explain to the Magister in painstaking detail everything that has happened with this particular storyline since the first episode  . . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“What?  I love the sound of my own voice.  Don’t you?”

Russell then quickly unties Pam and throws her into the safety of Eric’s arms.  The two share a sweet father / daughter moment (Eric running his fingers through Pam’s hair, and making sure she is OK) which was absolutely the only nice thing about this entire scene. 

Russell then ties the Magister up, and after some lame extravagant speech about “survival of the fittest,” forces the Magister to marry him and Queen Sophie Anne.  But then, just as the newlyweds are about to leave, Russell decides he has one more errand to run . . . and it involves batting practice.

“Say hello to my little friend the true death,” proclaims Russell, as he slices into the Magister’s head, with all the zeal of a rambunctious kid, playing a game of tee ball.

End scene . . . roll credits. 

So, that was “Hitting the Ground,” folks.  What did you think?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Truly Bloody (And a little gross) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues”

 

This week on True Blood, our girl Tara FINALLY got her GROOVE back . . . and then she stuck it in the back of Franklin’s head . . . multiple times.

I really thought he was going to last longer.  Didn’t you?  Now, if we could just get rid of Lorena . . .

I’m going to be honest with you guys.  I missed a good portion of this episode.  Now, don’t worry, I don’t think this will effect my recap.  You see, I HEARD the entire episode, I just didn’t SEE all of it . . . because my hands were covering my face for a good portion of the hour.

I was hiding my face for SO LONG during this episode, I almost missed NAKED ALCIDE!

But I didn’t!

So, are you ready to get gory?  Let’s get on on with the recap!

The Sophisticated Vampire

“When I said I wanted to new skylight on the ceiling, this WASN’T what I meant.”

When the episode begins, a Smiling Russell Edgington drags Sookie Glow Fingers back to his Big Gay Mansion.  Clearly wanting to make up for being such a Major Dick this whole Season, Vampire Bill decides it’s time to protect his woman.  He does so by brutally staking one of Russell’s body guards.  He then wraps his legs around Russell’s head, which you would think the Big Gay Vampire King would like . . . but he doesn’t.  In fact, he dislikes it so much that he throws Bill at the ceiling. 

Bill “hangs” out there for a little while, before falling back to earth.  Talbot is PISSED about the sudden and unwarranted home renovations.  Something tells me Russell won’t be getting any tonight!

Russell has his remaining guards drag Bill to the “slave chambers.”  Sookie rushes toward him, but is surprised when Vampire Eric grabs her roughly by the wrist and brings her to Russell.

“I wouldn’t let go of this if I were you.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know it is quite valuable,” intones Eric, looking super sexy in his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater, even though he is currently being a Total Tool (or, perhaps, because he’s being one).

“Eric, what the f*ck!” Sookie exclaims.  (Ooh, a lovers’ quarrel!  I see some AWESOME Makeup Sex in these two’s future . . .)

“Awwww, it thinks we’re equals,” coos Eric, maddeningly referring to Sookie, as if she’s his pet.  (He’s gonna get spanked for sure!)

“You’ve been a Bad, Bad Vampire!  I’m going to make you pay, Dirty Boy!”

Lorena interrupts to inquire as to what Russell plans to do with Slave Bill.  “You will kill him,” replies Russell matter-of-factly.

To Lorena’s credit, she actually looks a little upset about having to Kill Bill.

But when Sookie threatens Lorena’s life, if she dares harm her man, Lorena’s fangs literally come out.  “I would love to rip you open, and wear your rib cage as a hat,” Lorena growls.

Tre Chic!

A Sookie is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Eric is instructed to take Sookie into the study, so that Russell can interview her later.  When Sookie tries to protest, Eric lovingly puts his hand over her mouth, “Shut the F&ck Up,” he warns her.

In the study, Sookie and Eric have a hilarious exchange about what just went down between them.  “I hope you were behaving that way for the King’s benefit,” seethes Sookie. 

When Eric denies being disingenuous with the King, Sookie fires back with an on-point impersonation of the Hot Sheriff himself, throwing his own affectionate words from the Season 3 premiere episode back in his face.  “Sookie . . .  your life is too valuable to throw away.  You make me feel almost human,”  she monotones.

Eric can’t deny that Sookie is valuable, but he refuses to cop to expressing any sort of sentiment toward her.  “You must have dreamt it,” he replies.  (Oh no, Eric . . . YOU must have dreamt it!)

Later Russell enters the room, and inquires as to the source of Sookie’s Telepathy, and her Glow Fingers.  “Maybe I’m an alien,” Sookie offers helpfully.

In response to Sookie’s inquiries about Bill’s whereabouts, Russell informs the Alien that Bill has been stalking her keeping a file on her family history.  But love is blind to reason, and Sookie doesn’t seem to react very much to the news.  She is later locked away in one of the Big Gay Mansion’s many rooms.  “Beeeeeeellllll!”  She yelps, because we haven’t heard her do that in about ten minutes, so it’s high time she did it again.

Vampire Bill has fallen and he can’t get it up .  . .

“You got a heating pad or something?  This floor is hell on my sciatica.”

In the grotesque S & M portion of the evening, we watch Lorena as she brutally tortures Bill . . . by forcing him to listen to her inane monologue and crybaby tears. 

“I always forget that I need to wear waterproof mascara when torturing!”

Oh yeah, she’s systematically cutting him with surgical tools, while he’s tied to the floor, too.  Vampire Bill tries to appeal to Lorena’s sympathy, by telling her that he wishes he knew her when she was human and still cared about life.  Lorena whines annoyingly, slightly affected by Bill’s grand speech, but she keeps butchering him anyway.  Unfortunately for Lorena, this sweet little Snuff Film is interrupted by Drug Addled Werewolve,s Coot and Debbie, who barge in hoping for a taste, “from the source.”

Dude, if you weren’t hot I would SO hate you.

YOU, I hate!

Never one to let a meal grow cold (even though, admittedly, this one has been COLD a long time), Trash O’ Deb gets right down to sucking.  Coot, however, prefers to play with his food first.  So he proceeds to kick the cr*p out of the defenseless Bill for murdering his were-friends.  Lorena looks on boredly, wondering whether Rib Cage Hats come in pink to match the new dress she just bought . . .

I now pronounce you Man with Mace-Head

Did I just say that BILL and LORENA provided the “grotesque S&M” portion of the evening?  Because, actually, I think Franklin and Tara had them beat by a MILE!  Things started off “sweet” enough, with Franklin returning to his soon-to-be marital bed, clad in a girly white nightgown to match Tara’s hideous white wedding dress.

“You do realize that blood stains show up on white fabric, don’t you?”

Tara feigns happiness to see her Groom-To-Be, but Franklin has nagging insecurities about her sudden show of affection.  “You didn’t even notice that I shaved for you!”  He pouts, as he straddles his living doll.

Tara tries to relieve Franklin’s doubts by ramping up the sex appeal, or, at least as much as she CAN ramp it up with her arms tied to the bedpost, while wearing that AWFUL gown.  She begs to be untied, so that she can “pleasure him better.”  Franklin complies.  Once untied, Tara begs to taste Franklin’s blood on her last night as a human.  She takes a HUGE chunk out of his neck, which, honestly, I didn’t know was possible with human teeth.  It’s pretty disgusting.  “Kill me, kill me, kill me,” begs Franklin in the throes of passion.”

“OK,” says Tara.

“I can be very obedient when I want to be.”

Once Franklin has fallen asleep, Tara uses the strength she has drawn from Franklin’s vampire blood to communicate with Sookie telepathically, since she knows from Franklin’s intel, that her friend is ocked up nearby.  “I’m coming to get you girl.  We are going to get out of here.  Be ready,” she thinks to herself.

Tara then turns to the cadre of weapons conveniently located on the wall of her bedroom, and selects an ancient mace, which she promptly bashes into Franklin’s skull . . . multiple times . . . until he’s nothing more than a bloody stew.  Poor lovesick puppy never had a chance . . .

 

 

“But I shaved for her!  I don’t understand!”

I Now Pronounce You Beard For Life

While Tara is bashing Franklin’s skull in, Eric is engaging in a romantic card game with Talbot.  Russell interrupts, and requests Eric’s presence on a little “road trip.”  Eric, who assumes the purpose of this trip will be to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, is noticably eager to get moving.

“Come rescue me, Big Daddy!”

“You NEVER take me anywhere!  You prefer to surround yourself with sycophants,” Talbot explains.  (That’s the spirit, Talbot!  Confuse him with your big words!  That will get him back in your bed for sure!)

In the car en-route, Vampire Eric really ramps up the charm, even going as far as to allude to  having sexual interest in Russell. 

However, having witnessed last week’s Viking flashback, we know that Eric has a Master Plan, and vengeance on his mind.  The two discuss King Russell’s “ownership” of the V-addicted werewolves, and his plans to have the supernatural world united for World Domination.  But when Eric inquires about Pam, he learns that Russell has another destination in mind.  The two are headed to Queen Sophie Anne’s house.

The last time we saw Queenie here, she was enjoying a day-long game of Yahtzee.  Now she seems content playing with lottery scratch-offs.  Clearly, this is someone who needs to get a hobby.  Queen Sophie is not at all excited to see Eric and Russell on her doorstep, seeing as the pair has just murdered her guards and tied up her lover, Hadley (who also happens to be Sookie’s cousin).  But Vampire King Russell, ever the romantic, doesn’t concern himself with this.  Instead, he gets on his knees and proposes.

“Go f*ck, yourself,” Queen Sophie replies politely.

At which point, Eric tackles her to the floor like a linebacker.  “No, YOU go f&ck YOURSELF,” he clarifies.   (Wow, lots of f&cking in this episode . . .)  “I’m older than you .  . .you framed me.  Therefore, I renounce my fealty to you.  My loyalty is to the King.”

To celebrate this grand proposal, Eric hopes to kick things off by breaking Queen Sophie Ann’s neck, but Russell doesn’t let him.

Russell diplomatically offers the terms of the couple’s engagement.  He will never touch her.  (Because they are both gay . . . get it?)  He will make all her debt and legal problems disappear.  She will not be prosecuted for dealing V.  Sounds like a damn good deal if you ask me.  The Queen reluctantly agrees to marry Russell, then runs off to find and f&ck her girlfriend . . .

In Sam’s Trailer Trash Family News . . .

Tonight, we learned why Joe Lee had said that he “owned” Tommy, during last week’s episode.  In a revelation that surprised precisely nobody, Tommy’s mom revealed that the family had been surviving on the money Shapeshifter Tommy earned as a pitpull in dog fights.

What WAS surprising, to me anyway, was that Mommy Mickens used to dog fight too . . .

Well . . . maybe not SO surprising.  After all, we always knew she was a b&tch.

In Shirtless Jason Stackhouse News . . .

Jason continues to get it on with Crystal in the woods, complimenting her on how literally hot she is, and explaining to her how he isn’t a virgin (Now that’s the understatement of the century!)  When Jason begs Crystal not to break his heart, she cries.  All tears aside though, things are going great, until Crystal smells something funny, and excuses herself.

“Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bean burrito at the precinct!”

The next day, when Jason arrives at Crystal’s trailer with flowers, this D-Bag who tried to bash in Lafayette’s car (more on him a little later) answers the door.  Crystal soon follows, claiming that the D-Bag is her fiance and that she’s never met Jason in her life.  Crushed, a dejected Jason slouches off.  As he heads to his car however, he finds himself face to face with the naked ASS of the high school football star who he reamed a new one for being cocky at Merlotte’s last week.  Jason gets an IDEA!

“It’s not what you think.  But it SURE looks that way, doesn’t it?”

Jason inexplicably interrupts the high schooler mid-screw, and performs a citizen’s arrest on his butt for “lewd conduct in a public place.”  (Hey, Jason knew the word “lewd!”  Color me impressed . . .

“Something about you ain’t right .  . .” Jason explains. 

That may be true Jason Stackhouse.  But you have to admit, the kid had a really cute ass!

Speaking of Homoerotic Moments  . . .

 . . . Lafayette and Jesus get pretty hot in a car of their own this evening . . . once Lafayette establishes that Jesus isn’t Satan, of course.  (Always an important question to ask your prospective boyfriends.)  They then move their action into Lafayette’s apartment, but are interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.  Lafayette and Jesus run out, to find D-Bag and his cronies from the trailer park bashing in Lafayette’s car.  D-Bag just has enough time to get out a few choice words about Lafayette’s V-dealing tendencies, before Jesus threatens him with a bat, and Lafayette beats the stuffing out of him.   “Tell your friends you just got beaten up by two f*gs,” Lafayette yells after D-bag, as he runs away.

Unfortunately, Jesus heard the part about the V-dealing, and no longer wants any part in Lafayette’s drug-tainted thongs . . .

Jesus is V- free!

In Vampire Jessica News . . .

Our Teen Vamp seems to be really learning how to control her powers.  After a slight slip of fang at Merlottes, Vampire Jessica tries to make amends with Arlene, by glamouring a customer to give the waitress a BIG tip, after she got all the other restaurant patrons to stiff her last week.  She also successfully FEEDS on this patron without killing her . . .

You go, Vampire Chick!

Back at the Big Gay Mansion . . .

SOOKIE:  “Beeeeeeeeeellll!”

TARA:  “Oh, hell no!  Do you have any idea what I’ve been through to get to you?   You better say MY NAME, b&tch!”

Tara breaks Sookie out of Big Gay Jail, by beating up the guards outside Sookie’s room.  The two escape the mansion, but Sookie annoyingly wants to go back and rescue Vampire Bill.  Tara thinks she’s f*cking nuts!  I agree.  Once again, Tara is running through the fields, when she encounters yet another werewolf, but this one looks different . . .

The first time I saw it in the promos, I thought it was some kind of Were-Vampire, but I was wrong.  It was THIS GUY!

NAKED!

Back in his human form, Alcide tells Tara he is here looking for Sookie, but Tara is too busy staring at his gorgeous abs and large johnson to pay much attention to his words.  “Do you have a car so we can have hot passionate animal sex in it?”  She inquires.

“Yeah,” replies Alcide.

And off they go . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Sookie finds a blood drained, nearly lifeless, Vampire Bill on the floor of the “Slave Quarters.”  She professes her love to the dying vamp, promising to do whatever it takes to save him.  Then Lorena magically appears . . .

Sorry, I just liked the rib cage hat too much, not to use it again . . .

As the episode ends, Lorena attacks Sookie, biting her neck until she screams for mercy.  That’s not good!

And there you have it folks, a Truly Bloody True Blood.  Did you like it?  Or was all just a bit too much gore and too little Shirtless Stackhouse . .

P.S. For those of you out there, who are wondering where my Mad Men season premiere recap is, I PROMISE it will be up tomorrow.  Sorry for the delay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do require SOME sleep . . . 🙂

 

 

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The Runaway Bride of Franklin-stein – A Recap of True Blood’s “Trouble”

“Damn that Julia Roberts!  She made it look so easy!”

Howdy Fangbangers!  Tonight’s True Blood installment featured a boatload of lovin’, and a monster truckload of CRAZY, to boot.  Both were delivered in one truly twisted package by none other than THIS GUY  . . .

But “Trouble” wasn’t ALL about Franklin’s disturbing (albeit, at times, oddly humorous) “relationship” with Tara, there were also new flirtations, “sparks” of both a figurative, and a LITERAL (I’m looking at you Sookie Glow Fingers!) nature, betrayals, and, of course, after a WAY TOO LONG hiatus, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse.

We missed you, baby!

So, without further adieu, let’s take our tops off and fall in love.  Shall we?

Franklin Mott: Texts Like a Champ, Cries Like a B&tch

“Hey, you would cry too, if they took away YOUR unlimited texting plan!”

When we first see the Object of Franklin’s Obsession, Tara, she’s  . . . a little tied up.

Then, in walks Russell and Lorena, having recently finished gorging on that sad, but still skanky, stripper from last week’s episode.  But what surprises Tara, more is that BILL is with them . . .

This may surprise Tara, but it doesn’t surprise US at all.  After all,  WE saw him snacking on the Skank Stew, with our very own eyes, last Sunday.  What did surprise me, however, was what PIGGY EATERS these vamps were!  Seriously, who over the age of 3 eats like this?

“That stripper was yummy, Mommy!”

Please don’t tell me that the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi and his new Sheriff can’t afford to invest in a pack of wet naps.

Tara pleads for Vampire Bill to rescue her.  Unfortunately, Bill cannot engage in any strenuous activity until 30 minutes after he has finished eating, or he gets really bad cramps.  So he tells Tara, “No.”

No worries!  Franklin has fun plans for his human doll, Tara!  And those fun plans involve dressing her in the ugliest, least flattering, wedding dress I have ever seen, and tying her to the bedpost.  What fun!

“Hope you brought a bed pan.  Because I really have to pee.”

When Lafayette texts Tara to ascertain her whereabouts, Franklin (after making sure Lafayette isn’t a boyfriend of hers) uses the opportunity to display his mad texting skills.  “Watch how fast I can type, ‘motherf*cker,”’ he brags, as his vampire fingers go all swirly whirly, like a raver on ecstacy. 

Tara seems impressed.  She might even clap . . . if her hands weren’t attached to the bed.  Later that day, while Franklin sleeps in bed next to her (Don’t vampires sleep in coffins, in this world?), Tara gnaws through her arm restraints (SERIOUSLY?  What kind of crazy, gnarly, teeth does this girl have?). 

 Free at last, she dashes out of the mansion in broad daylight, sprinting across the field, as fast as her legs can carry her.  Unfortunately, she’s spotted by the guard dog.

I wish MY guard dog looked like that!

Guard Dog Coot tackles Tara, and starts licking her face . . . Just kidding, only Franklin is allowed to do that.

When Coot returns Tara to “her rightful owner,” Franklin bursts into tears.  He’s just bawling like a baby.  He can’t understand why, on earth, Tara would possibly want to leave him.   Especially after he offered her a VINTAGE dress, and fed her exotic cuisine.

Tastes like Skanky Stripper chicken.

Tara, recognizing that being “nice” to Franklin will earn her more privileges and a better chance at escape, turns on the charm.  Not an easy feat for a girl who, lets face it, isn’t all that charming to begin with.  Tara tells Franklin she doesn’t fear him, only the other vampires.  She also explains how, while the flowers look delicious, she’d really much prefer some Mac ‘N Cheese.  Franklin seems elated by Tara’s sudden change in heart.  He offers to plan a celebration in honor of Tara’s last night being human.  He wishes to make her his Vampire Bride.

This time, my shocked face is genuine.  I didn’t see that one coming . . .

Later, while Franklin is chatting with the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi . . .

 . . . we learn a few things: (1) that Franklin was the one searching Vampire Bill’s house for intel on Sookie; (2) that Russell hired him to do it; (3) that, for whatever reason, Vampire Bill is not only keeping a dossier on Sookie, he also appears to be charting Sookie’s geneology, to ascertain the origins of her telepathy.  Because that’s what all good boyfriends do for the girls they love, right?  Stalk them. 

“But, of course!  Love means never having to get a restraining order!”

Jason Stackhouse: Dumber than a box of rocks, but pretty enough for it not to make a difference

Undoubtedly, the fine citizens of Bon Temps can sleep a little better tonight, knowing that Jason Stackhouse is out there protecting them.  And by “protecting them,” I mean cruising them while shirtless, and giving them the best Tree Hump they ever had.  Yes, this episode marked Jason’s first day on the job as an “Assistant Liason Deputy,” after he bribed new Sheriff Andy Bellefleur to let him on the force.

Crime has a new enemy.  And it looks GOOD shirtless!

At first, Andy, who, unlike Jason, is no dummy, keeps his protege safely behind the desk.  At first, Jason doesn’t seem to mind too much.  After all, there are SO many fun things to do behind a desk!  One can . . . make a paperclip jump rope!  Or put ink from a stamp pad all over his face!  Or play paper football!

But after a while, Jason starts to go a bit stir crazy, and begs for something “more active” to do.  And like, I said, Andy is no dummy!  He’s also my hero.  Because he provides Jason with a task that not only helps the citizens of Bon Temps, it also helps True Blood fans across the world!  It’s a task that involves Jason taking off his shirt AND getting wet!

“Working at the CAR WASH! Ohohohoh!  Working at the CAR WASH, yeah!”

Andy has Jason wash the cop cars!  BRILLIANT!  While Jason is flexing his muscles, however, he spies a familiar face.

“Hey, there Hot Stuff!  Allow me to introduce myself.  I’m your Next Conquest!”

Jason is so excited about seeing his dream girl again  (The first time he spotted her, she was crying in a field, in the trailer park.), that he forgets to put his shirt on before hopping in the cop car and giving chase.  (Woo Hoo!)

When Jason asks Crystal for her license and registration, she staunchly refuses.  “Are you resisting me?”  Jason inquires, amazed that anyone would have the nerve to resist his abs an officer of the law. 

But Crystal doesn’t believe Jason’s a real cop.   And rightfully so.  He has no badge . . . and no shirt.  Undeterred, Jason invites Crystal to meet him that night at Merlotte’s, which apparently is the ONLY bar in town, because no one seems to go anywhere else . . . EVER.  (Fangtasia is actually a few towns over.)  While Jason waits for Crystal, he runs into Andy who tells him that, thanks to a few pulled strings, Jason CAN become a cop.  The only problem, he has to pass THE EXAM.

Seeing as the only tests Jason “passes” are the pregnancy tests he buys for the girls he might have accidentally knocked up . . .

It may say “minus,” but for Jason this one’s an A+ for sure!

Fortunately, for Jason, Crystal arrives to save the day!  

 She leads Jason out into the woods and the two start humping against a tree, like two dogs in heat.  (Can’t you get splinters from tree bark?  Bark burn, perhaps?) 

The whole tree f*cking scenario is so romantic that Jason immediately starts talking about love, marriage, and all that mushy crap.  “Dude!  It’s our first date!  Stop being such a woman!”  Crystal scolds.

(No, actually, she doesn’t say that.  But she DOES tell Jason to not get caught up in future talk, and to just worry about the here and now.)

Great advice, Crystal!  A tied down Jason = Some very sad fans indeed.

Jesus Loves Me

Speaking of getting tied down, Lafayette seems well on his way to doing just that.  When his mother’s nursemaid, Jesus, comes to visit our favorite drug – dealing fry cook at Merlotte’s, Lafayette is convinced his mother has died.  But no, Jesus simply wants inside those infamous Lafayette Pantalones.

Can you blame him?

And, let me tell you, Jesus could give Franklin Mott a run for his money in sheer aggressiveness.  When Lafayette tells the nursemaid he has to work, Jesus WAITS at the bar for him to finish his shift for NINE HOURS!  Can you imagine spending NINE HOURS at Merlotte’s?  Do you have any idea how much REALLY BAD country music you’d have to listen to?  (Shudders)  Now THAT’S dedication!

In Eric News . . .

Eric arrived at Big Gay Vampire Russell’s house.  He looked hot.  He flirted a bit with the ALSO hot, Talbot, in hopes of gleaning some important information from him later.

“Team Eric all the way!  He’s a much cleaner eater than Bill!”

In a play to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, Eric asks Russell about Vampire Bill’s whereabouts, sticking to his story about how he believes  Bill to be dealing illegally V.  Russell calles his bluff, by bringing in Bill himself to refute these charges.  As soon as Eric hears that Bill has “switched teams,” he does what any good lovesick vampire would do, inquires after his girl.  “Does this mean that Sookie is free?”  He asks, a seductive glint in his eye.

Bill says, “Yes.”

Rest up, Viking Vamp!  Someone is about to give that “stamina” of yours a real run for its money . . .

While touring La Casa de Big Gay Vampire King, Eric comes across a Viking crown.  He recognizes it instantly as the crown his father wore when he was Viking King back in the day.  Apparently, Eric had “stamina” even back then.  In the flashback, Eric was so busy sticking it to the milkmaid, he failed to notice his parents were being killed by werewolves.   The dark cloaked figure controlling the werewolves, who absconded with Eric’s father’s crown, was none other than Russell Edgington.  Leaning over his father’s corpse, Eric vies for revenge. 

Well  . . .  seeing as centuries have passed since this happened, he’s a little late, but here’s hoping  Eric FINALLY gets what he wants . . .

Oh yeah . . . and I guess the “vengeance” part too (assuming he has any time left over, from his nonstop schedule of mindblowing sex.)

In Sam and his Annoying Redneck Family News . . .

Tommy is growing on me . . .

. . . and I’m not just saying that because he has a gun to my face. 

He was really sweet to Vampire Jessica, when she was obviously hurting over seeing Hoyt having prospectively “moved on” with another woman.  He also seemed really vulnerable when he begged Sam to be able to sleep over at his house, because he was afraid of what Joe Lee might do to him, if he returned home.  That night, a very drunk Joe Lee nearly broke down Sam’s door, demanding his son’s return.  I really hope this storyline isn’t going where I think its going.  Because I’m generally not a big fan of the incest  . . .

Let’s save the After School Specials and Abused Kid Stories for Lifetime, shall we, True Blood?

Speaking of Vampire Jessica . . .

. . . I loved how she got back at Arlene for being a hater.   And yet under the circumstances, you can’t really BLAME Arlene for fearing Vampire Jessica will glamour her, when she seems to do it to EVERYBODY ELSE. 

Did I mention that Arlene and Terry are moving in together?

Did you care?  Because I sure didn’t. Don’t get me wrong . . . I LIKE Terry.  I just really don’t like Arlene.  And I really don’t like Terry WITH Arlene.  So, I prefer to ignore this storyline.  Thank you very much.

And then there was Sookie . . .

Despite their FAB chemistry last week, Sookie and Alcide didn’t seem to be meshing very well this week.  Perhaps it was because he kept insisting on keeping his shirt on . . .

Hasn’t Jason Stackhouse taught you ANYTHING?

Sookie and Alcide spent most of the episode bickering, and it didn’t look pretty on either of them.  Sookie kept barging into Alcide’s head and reading his thoughts.  When she wasn’t doing that, she was nagging him about finding Beeeell! 

Alcide, for all his “evolved gentleman” talk, came off as a bit of a chauvinist pig, refusing to let Sookie help him in his investigation of the Big Bad Werewolves.  Something tells me that unless Sookie teaches him right, Alcide will end up with a meek, barefoot and pregnant wife, whose sole joy in life is to feed her wolfman raw meat, after a full day spent cleaning the house.

“Mmmm, tastes like Sookie!”

That night, Trashtastic Debbie barges into Alcide’s home, her She-Mullet flapping in the wind.

Sookie really lets her have it for her poor treatment of Alcide.  She then tries to read Debbie’s thoughts to glean information about Bill, but comes up empty handed because Debbie has no brain.

Later, Sookie and Alcide visit the werewolf packleader to ask for help against the Big Bad Werewolves.  Unfortunately, said packleader is a WIMPY WEINERFACE.  The mere mention of the Big Bad Werewolves and the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi has the “Grand Exalted Leader” nearly pissing his pants with fear . . .

Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?  The Big Bad Wolf.  The Big Bad Wolf.  Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?  Hahahahahaaa.

Back at La Casa de Alcide, Sookie receives a visitor.  It’s VAMPIRE BILL!

Bill and Sookie embrace lovingly, as if the whole, “Lorena and I f*cked like only two vampires can” statement was never made.  Bill warns Sookie she has to leave ASAP.  At this point, I’m trying to remember whether Bill was actually invited in to Alcide’s house, as per vampire rules.  He just seemed to magically appear there.

But you know who DEFINITELY wasn’t invited in?  THIS TURD . . .

Russell barges into the house with Coot and his werewolf goons.  They attack Bill and Alcide first.  Poor Alcide gets kicked in the nuts.  AGAIN!  That boy SERIOUSLY has to invest in a protective cup, if he wants to keep hanging out with Sookie . . .

But when Coot lunges for Sookie, she does that sparkly lightning bolt thingy with her hand that we saw her do last season to Maenad Maryanne.  Coot flies backward from the impact of the electric shock.  Far from being annoyed by the incapacitation of his top henchman, Russell seems THRILLED by this recent turn of events.  He laughs uproariously.  “FANTASTIC!”  He howls.

Here’s hoping next week’s episode begins with Sookie sticking a lightning bolt up RUSSELL’S ass.  We’ll see how much he’s laughing then . . .

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Hooked on V, Worked for ME! – A Recap of True Blood’s “9 Crimes”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  After having a week off to enjoy some fireworks, eat burnt barbecued weiners, and get wasted on cheap beer, our favorite Bon Temps residents returned this week to do even more BAD THINGS.  As you may have noticed from the title of this post, this True Blood episode was entitled “9 Crimes.”  Since, to my knowledge, the title was never explicitly explained in the context of the episode, this forced me to break out my trusty old Criminal Law book . . .

Lo and behold, there were NINE CRIMES committed during this episode.   These crimes were (in no particular order): breaking and entering (Tommy Merlotte at Sam’s house); theft (Tommy from Sam again); squatting (Sam’s white trash biological family); falsifying evidence (Andy Bellefleur re: the circumstances surrounding Egg’s death); extortion (Jason to Andy re: same); dealing illegal narcotics (Eric, Pam, Lafayette re: V); kidnapping (Franklin to Tara); assault and battery (Franklin to Tara); murder? (Lorena, Bill, and Russell to that stripper chick – implied).  Actually, there were way MORE than nine crimes committed in this episode. But this is True Blood, not Law and Order.  And there’s really no need to get technical . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s get criminal.  Shall we?

Alcide Gets Shirtless.  TV Recapper Wins Twenty Bucks

Clearly Joe Manganiello is basking in the glory of our mutual win.  Hence, the cool shades . . .

Not to toot my own horn, but . . .

Toot, Toot!

Last week, I entered into a friendly wager as to when Joe Manangiello’s character Alcide Herveaux, would take off his shirt, and reveal those god-like man pects of his.  I bet that THIS would be the week he did it.  The VERY FIRST SCENE of the episode proved me right!

Now, even though Alcide is very much the “new suitor in town,” and I am still a Sookie / Eric girl all the way . . .

. . . I must admit that the chemistry between these two was pretty palpable.  And the fact that they were both obviously fighting their feelings for one another, made the whole scene even hotter. 

When the episode begins, Sookie is in Alcide’s bedroom, “nursing” his wounds, all of which are conveniently located in the oh-so-sexy abdominal and lower back region.  (See?  Even Evil Drug Addicted Werewolves can appreciate the value of a pretty face.  Alcide’s didn’t have a scratch on it.) 

As Sookie fondles him  treats his wounds, the two discuss Alcide’s ex, Debbie.  Feeling obvious sympathy for Alcide’s “man pain,” Sookie allows her hand to linger affectionately on his shoulder.  In a highly sexually charged moment, Alcide notices the hand, and looks at Sookie.   They share “a moment.”  A moment that is interrupted when Cock Block Bill calls . . .

It Takes a “Real Man” to Dump His Lady, Via Telephone (and by “Real Man,” I mean “Spineless Turd”)

“Can you hear me now, A**HOLE?”

Yep, this was the episode where Bill “dumped” Sookie, to save her from a life of boredom and bad sex danger, sadness, and lethal threats from powerful vampires.  Oh, and this wasn’t your Garden Variety Dump, either.  Bill may be dull beneath the sheets, but when it comes to making a girl feel like crap, this dude is a CHAMP! 

In this lovely conversation, Bill tells Sookie that he has VOLUNTARILY left her, and that he is now with Lorena.  “Me and Lorena just made love.  We f*&ked like only two vampires can,” explains Bill, conversationally, bringing back to my mind that oh-so-passionate “head-turning” scene from the last episode.

Yeah . . . thanks for the memories, Vampire Bill.

I REALLY wanted the typically Spunky Sookie to fight back, after receiving this AWFUL treatment from the guy who had, just a few episodes back PROPOSED to her.  But, I guess she was caught off guard.  Because, despite all the d-bag things Bill was saying to her, Sookie just kept blubbering on and begging him to reconsider.  HELLO!   HE CHEATED ON YOU . . . with HER . . .

 . . . and told you SHE was better in bed than YOU.  What more evidence do you need to BEAT this MO FO?

“Don’t try to find me.  I do not wish to be found,” Bill finally concludes, before HANGING UP ON HER!

“Oh no you di-n’t!”

Alcide tries to comfort Sookie, having recently experienced a similar dumping of his own, at the hands of Trashy Debbie.  Unfortunately, the wolfman appears to be missing a sensitivity chip.  “No matter how well you think you know someone, they always end up kicking you in the nut sack,” Alcide sweetly offers.

“I don’t have a nut sack,” replies Sookie, dumbfounded.

You do now . . .

Alcide then puts his big muscular manly arm around Sookie  She inexplicably sniffs his armpit (yum), and nestles her head in his chest.  “You feel so warm,” she says flirtatiously (Good ole Sookie, always a STAR at hitting on men, even when in the midst of a crisis).

“It’s a werewolf thing.  We always run hot,” replies Alcide.

Truer words have never been spoken . . .

Gentlemanly Alcide, not wanting to take advantage of Sookie during her time of need (damn!), rises from the bed (no pun intended).  “You probably want some privacy,” he mutters.

“That’s the last thing I want,” answers Sookie, coyly.  (Wow, the girl is RELENTLESS.)

“Well . . . let me at least put a shirt on,” Alcide demands, before leaving the room.

Did he just say what I think he said?  A boy in True Blood who WANTS to keep his shirt on?  He MUST be new . . .

A Dream is a Wish Your Weiner Makes . . .

You know who has NO problem taking his shirt off, and taking advantage of Sookie during her time of need?  THIS GUY . . .

A few scenes later, we see our favorite Viking Vampire standing outside Sookie’s window.  The only problem?  Sookie’s window is on the third floor.  “Can all vampires fly?”  Sookie inquires, after inviting the second hunk of the evening into her bedroom.  (Girl wastes NO TIME.)

“Can all humans sing?” Eric quips in response, as he moves toward her seductively.  “How goes the search?”

“Turns out [Lousy Lay, Phone Dumper Bill] is not what I was looking for,” Sookie replies, grabbing Eric’s open black shirt with her fingers and clawing at its buttons.

She inhales Eric’s scent (apparently, girlfriend REALLY likes to sniff), and is taken aback by the fact that he has one.  “You smell like the ocean in winter.  Bill doesn’t smell like anything at all.  How is that possible?”

That’s because Bill is BORING and I am AWESOME!  It’s not possible,” whispers Eric, who is so turned on by Sookie, that he has been rendered completely incapable of making snarky and very obvious comebacks about Bill’s lack of stamina.  His eyes roll back in his head in ecstacy.

“You used to play by the North Sea as a boy,” explains Sookie.

Eric’s eyes widen.  He blinks back tears.  He has never met anyone who understood him this way, who saw him as more than a cold (but very hot) vampire enforcer.  “I can smell your memories,” continues Sookie.  “I’ve got skills you can’t even dream about.”

Suddenly, the two are kissing one another ferociously, hands in eachothers’ hair, nails clawing at eachother’s necks.  And it’s SO HOT and DIRTY, it makes the previous scene with Alcide look like Sesame Street.  Sookie pushes Eric down on the bed, and allows her nightgown to fly away with the breeze from the open window, leaving her in just a bra and panties.  She straddles him and says, “Want some more?”

But her voice sounds different . . . because it isn’t her . . . It’s Yvetta.  Eric “awakens” in Fangtasia.  Yvetta is giving him a lapdance.  The sex scene . . . it wasn’t real.  Eric looks depressed.  So are we . . .

Sam and his Stray Dogs (and Baby Vampires)

“The most exciting thing about my trailer trash family storyline is ME, and how good I look with my shirt off.  Too bad you didn’t get to see it this week.”

Sam wakes up in the middle of the night to find a “bird” trying to get into his safe.  Of course, the “bird” is none other than his ass hat new brother, Tommy.  Sam responds to this breaking and entering / theft by OFFERING TOMMY A JOB AT MERLOTTE’S!  Huh?

“What? I don’t look like a model employee to you?”

Santa Sam also offers to get his Ma and Pa a place to live, when he learns that they’ve been kicked out of their home, and have been squatting in his parking lot for days.  Bad Move, Santa!  I know they are supposed to be his family and all, but I just don’t trust these folks.

In addition to rescuing Ma, Pa, and Tommy, Sam also offers a waitressing job to the now-orphaned Vampire Jessica, a plot development I am actually really excited about.

“Welcome to Merlotte’s can I take your order?  Tonight’s specials include a nice big bite on your neck, and a highly painful death.”

The only problem is that, now that she is out in the open, Vampire Jessica is bound to run into people from her previous life.  This means she’s going to have to keep “glamouring” cute boys into forgetting her existence, like that adorable little bible thumper, who visited her in the bar during this episode.  But, hey, at least that means she can’t meet other men.  So, there is still hope for Hoyt . . .

I miss these two together.

Tara Thornton Can’t Catch a Break . . .

“Sookie gets Alcide and Eric in a SINGLE episode, and I get THIS?  Are you SERIOUS?”

Things just went from bad to worse for Poor Tara, after she was forced to let Franklin into her home, at the end of last week’s episode.  First, Franklin glamoured her into giving up information about Sookie’s relationship with Bill.  He then used her as a puppet, putting words into her mouth, when she called Sookie to ascertain the girl’s whereabouts.   According to Franklin, his “employer” was interested in finding Sookie.  But we don’t know who that is yet.  Or do we?

Franklin then threw Tara up against the wall and gave her the nastiest tongue kiss EVER, before tying her up and gagging her in Sookie’s home!  The next day, Franklin kidnaps Tara and takes her on a little “road trip”  to see none other than the Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, and Bill’s new boss himself, Russel Edgington.

Is it just me, or does this guy have his nose in EVERY plotline this season.  Russel is SO the new maenad!

To add further insult to injury, Russel’s boy toy, Talbot, thinks Franklin brought Tara as food, and he’s NOT INTERESTED.  “Ugh, she’s skinny,” he scoffs.  Ouch.

“Were”‘s The Beef?

Although initially reluctant to help Sookie continue her search for ass hat Bill (He even called her a “doormat,” lol.), Alcide ultimately changes his mind when he learns from Sookie that his ex Debbie is hooked on V, and getting initiated into the Evil Operation Werewolf pack that night.  Sookie found this information out from Alcide’s cool, albeit uber-trashy, hairdresser sister, Janice, who was WAY disappointed when she found out Sookie wasn’t already boning Alcide.

When Janice learns that Sookie is heading back to Lou Pine’s were bar, she eagerly offers to give Sookie a “make under” so that she will fit in better.  Apparently, the werewolves in Mississippi left their fashion sense back in the 1980s, and country girl Sookie is just way too wholesome (and modern) to mesh well with the rest of the gang.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a picture of the actual Skanky Sookie, but I CAN tell you, that she ended up looking something like THIS . . .

 . . . except with a black wig, instead of a pink one, and .  . . you know . . . NOT Natalie Portman.  But you get the idea.

At Lou Pine’s, Alcide has a painful run in with Fug Debbie and her Hideously Greasy She Mullet.  (Would someone explain to me WHY a guy like Alcide would EVER consider dating a girl like THAT, let alone pine for her?  Because to me, it just defies explanation.) 

In a conversation that closely paralleled Sookie’s with Bill, Debbie tells Alcide she’s moved on to a better man, or perhaps more accurately, a better wolf — a wolf who’s name is just an “er” ending short of being REALLY unfortunate.

“The fact that you are hot, and have muscles, is the ONLY reason you didn’t get your ass kicked in elementary school . . . COOTER.”

Debbie’s initiation ceremony begins with a familiar face meeting her on stage . . . Bet you can’t guess who .  . .

I TOLD you, he gets his nose in everything!  So, apparently, Russel has been the V supplier of these werewolves all along.  The wolfmen bow down to him, as he bites his own wrist, and allows its blood to leak into a bevy of shot glasses.  All of the wolves drink the blood eagerly, except for Alcide, of course, and Debbie, who isn’t aloud to drink or else “her brand will heal.”   Debbie screams in pain, as she is fondled by a bunch of ugly weres and marked with a hot cattle brand.  I’d actually feel bad for her, if she wasn’t such a raging b&tch.

Then, either because it’s a full moon, or because they simply got excited by the branding ceremony, the entire bar starts to morph into actual werewolves, including Alcide.  His eyes yellow, as he literally BARKS at Sookie to run away.  Elsewhere, Vampire Bill is alerted to her danger by his internal Sookie Alarm, which apparently is unaware that the two have already broken up.

Mr. Bill has Gone BAD!

This week, Vampire Bill continued his downward spiral into vampiric evil.  Last week, I admitted thinking that his  recent evil deeds kind of made him seem interesting and hot.  This week?  Not so much . . .

After breaking Sookie’s heart into a thousand pieces, Vampire Bill had another joyless roll in the hay with Evil Lorena.  He then literally threw her out of his room.  With Lorena’s nasty sex juices still on his body, he went downstairs to have a little chat with Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, Russel.

There he is again.  Busy little bee, that Russel.

Bill offered Russel information about Queen Sophie’s commandeering of Vampire Eric to illegally deal V in Louisianna.  (What?  Do ALL Vampire Kings deal their own blood now?)  He did this in exchange for the death of Lorena, the lady he just laid.  So, basically, Bill screwed Lorena (twice), as well as, Eric, Pam, and Queen Sophie, in just a matter of minutes.  And Eric said Bill didn’t have stamina . . .

Later that evening, at Russel’s behest, Bill finds a sad young stripper for Russel and Lorena to eat.  He watches her be tortured to death for a little while, before taking a few bites for himself.  How’s that for a gentleman?

“At least after I ate, I said thankyou.”

A Kinder, More Sensitive Vampire Eric (who still knows how to kick some ass)

If Vampire Bill was showing his dark side this week, and displaying his truly douchy qualities, Vampire Eric was doing quite the opposite.  In addition to sweetly pining over Sookie during the episode’s first half, Eric also came to Lafayette’s rescue when he got into some trouble, while trying to deal V to some uninterested clients.  He also ingeniously nicknamed Lafayette, “RuPaul.”

 Good one, Eric!  Fellow Nickname Champ, Sawyer (from Lost) would be proud!

As the two drove away in Lafayette’s brand new ride, provided to him by Eric himself, Eric attempted to give the adorable gay man advice on “sales techniques” and “catering to different demographics.”

“Hooker, I am SO Team Eric now.  You have NO idea!”

Unfortunately, the bromantic buddy session was cut short, when Eric learned that the “Magister” was raiding Fangtasia.  Apparently, after his informative conversation with Vampire Bill, the annoyingly omnipresent Russel Edgington tipped off the Magister to Eric’s V dealings.  When Eric returns to the bar, he finds his “child” Vampire Pam, being bound and tortured by the Magister’s goons.

The good news is, you get to be a series regular this season, Vampire Pam.  The bad news is, it looks like you get to spend a good portion of the season as damsel in distress. . .

When the Magister threatens Vampire Pam’s life, Vampire Eric is visually distressed over the thought of losing his “child.”  He will do anything to save her, even if it means throwing Vampire Bill under the bus for being behind the V dealing.

Payback’s a b&tch, isn’t it, Vampire Bill?

In OTHER news. . .

Andy Bellefleur is the new sheriff of Bon Temps!

And while I think Andy will make a FABULOUS sheriff, I couldn’t help but giggle at fellow cop, Kenya, and her sour grapes assessment of the whole thing.  “Apparently, all you need to do to become sheriff in this town, is drink like a fish, hallucinate farm animals, and shoot potential murder suspects.”

Special thanks to Kenya for reminding me of one of my FAVORITE running jokes from Season 2. 

Also, the typically angelic (and gorgeous) Jason Stackhouse . . .

. . . was uncharacteristically a**hole-esque this week, when he picked on a high school football star out of jealousy, and tried to blackmail Andy into making Jason into a cop, without having to go through the proper protocol.  And while I was really MAD at Jason, for treating his loyal pal so shabbily, if his actions pave the way for more “buddy cop” moments between these two in episodes to come, I think can manage to forgive it.

What I CAN’T forgive, however, was that Jason’s SHIRT was ON the entire episode!  Fix that next week, Alan Ball!  Please?

 

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Bill Compton’s got moves that will make your head spin! – A Recap of True Blood’s “It Hurts Me Too.”

“Hey, Sookie!  Did you see what your boyfriend just did to that chick’s head?  That was some freaky sh*t!”

“Yeah.  I know I’m supposed to be all mad that he like totally cheated on me.  But I just keep rubbing my neck, and thinking, ‘Better you than me, b*tch.  Better you than me . ..'”

Boy, did Alan Ball and Co. reap the benefits of being on “pay cable,” and having a “Mature Audiences” rating tonight!  Tonight’s True Blood installment featured no less than THREE hard core sex scenes, each one more raunchy than the next, three pretty gruesome dead bodies, and one . . . burning bush.

Did I mention we got introduced to THIS GUY?

I’m starting a little betting pool on how many more episodes before we get to see this hot werewolf without his shirt on.  Any takers?  I’m willing to bet it happens next episode.  Sookie and Alcide have to SLEEP eventually.  And if you looked like THAT, would YOU wear clothing to bed?  I think not . . .

So, let’s try to “wrap our heads around” this episode, shall we?

 Ooops!  Sorry, Lorena!  I guess that was in poor taste, under the circumstances . . .

“Lessons in Good Housekeeping” by Sookie Stackhouse

Poor Sookie!  For a girl who seemingly spends every episode cleaning her house, she sure collects a lot of interesting stains on that carpet of hers.  (Maenad-induced orgy juice anyone?)  When we last left our favorite Merlotte’s waitress, she was hanging out with Eric.  And the two crazy lovebirds were engaged in their own unique brand of foreplay.  You know the drill.  Eric makes sexual innuendos; Sookie fends him off passionately; they stare angrily / lovingly into one anothers’ eyes; someone tries to kill Sookie . . .  the usual.

The higher the body count, the hotter the love . . .

This week’s candidate for a Viking Vampire Ass Whupping was a random nameless werewolf hopped up on vampire blood.  He apparently hailed from that pesky Jackson, Mississippi-based were-gang that has been bothering Vampire Bill for two episodes now.  Sookie tries to shoot him herself, but in a  brash show of machismo (“No way I’m letting my lady do my murdering for me!”), Eric dives in front of the bullet, and valiantly takes it in the chest, before literally chewing the were’s head off. 

 “I got your carpet wet,” admits Bloody Eric apologetically, his speech garbled by the bits of man-dog still lodged in his teeth.  (He’s been alive for centuries, and still NO ONE has taught him not to speak with his mouth full.  Someone clearly needs a Mommy!)

Eric and Sookie then head back into Sookie’s already corpse crowded backyard to bury the latest Trophy of Love.  Sookie is not so much bothered by the fact that someone died in her house, as she is by the fact that Eric killed him before she could “mind read” him in to giving up Bill’s whereabouts.  And you just KNOW that Eric’s got it bad for the spunky barmaid, when he actually responds to her ungrateful idiocy by APOLOGIZING! 

My heart really went out to Mr. Macho Vamp, as he sheepishly admitted to Sookie that he might not have been strong enough to save her from the V-strengthened werewolf, had they held off any longer on killing him.  Talk about having your metaphorical balls cut off!  That admission really had to hurt. 

On their little romantic post burial stroll back home, Sookie tells Eric that she must go to Jackson to find and rescue Bill.  “Do us all a favor and stay out of trouble,” warns Eric.  “You are no good to anyone, if you are killed.”  (Awwwww!  He so LUUUUUVES HER!)

The next afternoon, after putting together an impromptu funeral for Tara’s Eggs . . .

Sunny side DOWN . . .

 . . . Sookie is scrubbing up her bloody floor, when a mysterious stranger approaches her from behind. (Wink, wink!)  She hears the stranger thinking about how pretty and blonde she is, and immediately runs into the house.  But the stranger is faster and more powerful.  He wraps his big sexy arms around her waist, and says “Eric Northman sent me.  I’m here to look at your boobs after you.”

Clearly Eric has a lot of confidence in his “stamina” to be OK with Sookie going on vacation with a guy who looks like this.

Typically, werewolves and vampires don’t mix.  However, Alcide apparently owes some sort of debt to Eric that is in need of repayment.  So, off head Sookie and Alcide to Lou Pines, a hardcore werewolf biker bar.

Lou Pines?  Really?  Is that the best you can do, Alan Ball?  I could think of about a thousand cooler names for a werewolf bar than this.  How about, for example, “The Hair of the Dog (that Bit You),” or “No Fleas,” or “WERE’S the Beer?”  (Get it, “were,” like in WEREwolf . . . never mind.)

Anyway at Lame-O Lou Pines, Sookie puts on her dumb blonde act, in hopes of getting some information on Mr. Bill.  She reads one dude’s mind and figures out he was one of the were’s that kidnapped Bill in his car.  (Sheesh!  How many werewolves were IN that car, anyway?  Because I’m pretty sure we’ve met at least six already.   Bill must have one of those clown cars, I used to see in the circus . . .)

“We’ll all be expecting our SAG cards in the mail, thank you!”

Random Clown Car Werewolf catches wind that Sookie is not the brainless bimbo she seems, and starts attacking her.  In typical True Blood male fashion, Alcide tries to jump in and rescue her.  He gets in a few good punches, before the rest of the werepack starts beating the crap out of him.  Luckily, the owner of the bar (Lou Pine, I presume?), breaks up the fight and kicks out the offending weres.  Then, in a complete non-sequitur moment, the bar owner tells Alcide that his ex-girlfriend is gettting engaged to Coot, head of the Evil Werewolf Clan, the following day, at the bar.  (WAY TO STAY CLASSY, Alcide’s ex!)

Hmmm . . . so Alcide’s former girlfriend went from dating this  . . .

 . . . to this . . .

Color me impressed!

Creepiest O Face, EVER!

Apparently, Sookie and Eric aren’t the only human / vampire pair turned on by random acts of violence.  When we last saw Tara, she was punching the stuffing out of some drunkards, while “new in town” vamp Franklin Mott gallantly held them still for her.  Now she’s in bed with the new vamp, and the poor girl looks like she’s having a seizure! 

Now, I don’t know if this was done on purpose. (Rutina Wesley gave some FANTASTIC O Face, back when she was getting it on with Eggs in Season 2.  So I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt here.)  But, watching this, I honestly couldn’t tell if Tara was enjoying herself, or literally having the life f&*ked out of her.

While doing the deed, Tara begs Franklin to bite her and he refuses.  When she asks him why, he replies, “Because you want me to.”  (OH NO!  That’s never a good sign!  RUN TARA!  RUN LIKE THE WIND!)

During the post-coital cuddling session, Tara basically blows Franklin off, telling her she can’t be in a relationship now and blah, blah, blah.  But, of course, this wouldn’t be True Blood, if Tara wasn’t being beaten up, mind controlled, and abused.  So, when Franklin visits Tara at Sookie’s house, where she is staying for the time being, it didn’t surprise me at all they he compels her against her will to let him in.  Here we go again . . .

(Sidenote:  If Vampires can COMPEL or GLAMOUR humans to invite them into their homes, why don’t they do it all the time?  Isn’t that the ultimate loophole?)

Vampire Jessica just got in over her HEAD . . .

“I’d rather be taking my SAT’s, than dealing with this sh*t.”

The Good News is Vampire Jessica’s “dad’s” house doesn’t have that awful smell anymore.  The Bad News is that Jessica’s lost something you can’t exactly pick up at the local Lost and Found. (And NO, I’m not talking about her eternal virginity). 

In a classic little scene, Jessica calls Vampire Pam to ask for advice on her little problem.  Just like her maker, Vampire Pam apparently never learned not to talk with her mouth full.  She picks up the phone right in the middle of doing something that rhymes with  . . . bug crunching?

“Oh, don’t be such a prude, TV Recapper!  I was eating out!  What’s the big deal?”

Vampire Pam basically tells Jessica not to worry about the whole Missing Person Thing.  “No body, no problem,” she says, more or less.

Later, however, Vampire Jessica is visited by that Pesky Vamp, Franklin Mott . . .

 . . . who, apparently, has a gift for her . . . the severed head of that Missing Dude she killed!   (Hoyt found the rest of his body, buried in Bon Temps).   Mott basically plans to blackmail Vampire Jessica — keeping her murderous tendencies a secret, in exchange for information on Vampire Bill. 

(Uh . . . Franklin, that was a nice “gift” and all, but I think she would have preferred a necklace . . .)

Miscellaneous Plot Points

Before I get to the episode’s “Big TWIST,” let’s get the other minor storylines out of the way . . . . 

First, Jason Stackhouse is HOT!

But, you knew that already . . . What you didn’t know was that he wants to become a cop!

NO!  Not an angel!  I said a COP!

But he couldn’t go through with the application process, because he kept seeing bullet holes in people’s heads, as a result of his guilt over killing Eggs.

Sheriff Budd randomly quit the police force, because he got tired of looking at dead bodies.  That means that this guy will probably end up in charge . . .

Arlene is pregnant, which means the stupidest baby in Bon Temps is about to be born . . .

But it’s not Terry’s . . . which begs the question, “Who else, in their right mind, would screw Arlene “So I Married a Serial Killer” Fowler?”

Sam’s family is a bunch of alcoholic hicks . . . and his biological brother and dad hate him. 

But at least he looks nice with his shirt off . . .

Finally, Eric gave Lafayette a hot new car, so he could conduct his V-dealing business in style.

Lafayette is thrilled.  Wouldn’t you be?

Vampire Bill is Turning Heads Everywhere He Goes!

Back at the Big GayVampire King of Mississippi’s house, Russell “stops, drops, and rolls” burning Lorena up in an expensive rug. 

Talbot is PISSED!

King Russell then more or less threatens to harm Sookie, if Bill doesn’t leave Queen Sophie Anne’s “kingdom” in Louisianna, and pledge “fealty” to him in Mississippi.  That morning(?), while Bill is sleeping, he flashes back to his early “baby vamp” days, when he visited his wife (that chick who played Ryan’s one time GF Lindsay on the O.C.) . . .

 . . . and learned that his son died of “the pox.”  When Bill cries tears of blood over the loss of his child, his wife freaks out and shoots a hole in his arm.  Giving Bill her best “I told you so,” face, Vampire Lorena, convinces him to glamour his wife so that she forgets about his reappearance.  “Vampires will only cause humans pain.  The only way we can show love for humans, is by leaving them,” she says, more or less.

Pained by the memory of his wife, Bill walks downstairs and immediately agrees to be Vampire Russell’s b&tch for all eternity.  When Lorena comes by to gloat . . .

. . . Vampire Bill screws her, while trying to rip her head off.  But instead of breaking her neck, he ends up twisting her head around, like she’s some perverse pornographic Gumby doll.

It’s gross!  But Lorena doesn’t seem to mind.  In fact, mid screw, she tells Bill, “I still love you.”

Except, Bill can’t hear her . . . because her head’s on backwards . . .

Tune in next week, when Alcide will, hopefully, takes his shirt off, and allow me to recoup on my bet.  Because I could really use the cash . . .

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Everybody Wants Sookie (or should I say . . . SOOKEH!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Beautifully Broken”

Well, would you look at that?  It’s a gay vampire riding in on a white horse to “save the day!”  (Insert sexual euphemism and/or cheesy pun here.)

Did I miss something?  Did Valentine’s Day come early this year?  Because there sure was a lot of LOVE in this episode.  And I’m not just talking sex either.  (Sadly, there was none of that.) 

I’m talking about that real mushy gushy stuff.  The kind of “stuff” that would make you drop someone’s favorite beverage at their doorstep a few minutes before dawn (Hoyt and Jessica); or write a list about why you’d be a good father to their kids (Terry and Arlene – He passed anger management and tamed an armadillo); or babysit a drunk (Andy and Jason); or save a person’s life (Lafayette and Tara); or feel “disturbingly human.” (Sookie and Eric)

So, what you do you say, we get this  lovefest started?

Things That Go Growl In The Night . . .

“Mmmm, Eric, your breath smells refreshingly minty.  What toothpaste do you use?

“AB – Negative.”

When we last left our good pal Sookie, her and Vampire Jessica were “feeling” Bill.  Their “feelings” let them to a crashed car, with a werewolf corpse inside.  Operation Werewolf markings were on both the body and vehicle.   Despite having little luck previously, Sookie, armed with new intel, decided to take another shot at asking Vampire Eric for help in finding her Bill (or should I say “Beaaal” like she says it).  At Fangtasia, Sookie tells Eric about the whole werewolf thing, and initially, he seems unimpressed.  “Your obsession with Bill Compton is going to get you killed,” he says matter-of-factly.

But then Sookie, wisely, does the same thing I do whenever I get pulled over by a cop for suspected speeding (not that it happens often, mind you) . . . She cries!

Oh no!  Not like THAT!  That’s real crying!  Ugly crying!  That NEVER works . . .

Ahh . . . much better!  Good form, Sookie!

Although his facial expression never changes, you can tell that Eric, in his own sexy vampiric way, is highly moved by Sookie’s tears.  “Please don’t do that,” he says without affect, “It makes me feel disturbingly . . . human.”

WOO HOO!  Sookie and Eric sitting in a tree,  K-I-S-S . . .Sorry, got a little carried away for a moment there.  I’m back now . . .  

Dejected, Sookie leaves Fangtasia with a final plea to Eric that he help her find Bill.  At first, it seems as though Eric has no intention of helping Sookie.  Once she is out of sight, he crumbles up the paper she gave him with werewolf intel, and tosses it aside.  But then . . . suddenly, he’s in Germany, in a Nazi uniform, and guess who’s there?

It’s GODRIC!  He’s ALIVE!  I mean . . . DEAD . . . I mean .  . . undead?

Actually, the answer is none of the above.  Godric (played by Allan Hyde) is still very dead-dead, which means this is a World War II flashback.  Apparently (as Eric explains to Sookie later), Operation Werewolf had some sort of connection to the Nazis back in the day, but they, like the vampires, were around long before that. 

In the flashback, a she-wolf eats an American solider.  Eric and Godric come upon her, and Eric attacks the she-wolf.  She claims they are on the “same side.”  Eric disagrees.  (Nice to know my lover isn’t a real Nazi.  That would have been a bit of a turnoff, I think .  . .) 

Like the “Operation” Werewolves in present day, She-Wolf seems a bit hopped up on vampire blood.  She begs Eric for a drink.  And, although Godric cautions against it, Eric complies.  But then She-Wolfs goes apesh*t, and Vampire Eric has to finish her off.  Godric doesn’t like that at all, and he gives Eric a real judgy look.  Parents . . . they’re no fun at all . . .

Later, Jason comes over to Sookie’s house to play.  She tells him how much she misses Bill, and the way he says “Sookeh!”  (Great impression, by the way!  Way to go Anna P!  Bet you and Mr. Moyer were practicing that one in bed!)  She then tells him about the existence of werewolves.  He’s thrilled!  “Does that mean Bigfoot is real too?  SANTA?!”  He asks, excitedly.

 Awww!  Jason!!  Sweet, hot, dim-witted Jason!  I already saw this scene in the promos for the show.  But it still made me giggle and squeal like a little school girl the second time around!

When Sookie arrives at work, she finds herself stalked by a real creepy looking werewolf.  But he disappears before she can get a good look at his ugly mug.  That night, ANOTHER werewolf breaks into Sookie house.  Fortunately, Eric comes to the RESCUE!

There were a ton of great scenes in this episode, but I’m pretty sure this second Sookie / Eric scene of the evening was my favorite, for obvious reasons.  Eric arrives at Sookie’s door and inquires after the intruder.  He then tells her that he lied to her earlier, and comes clean about the whole “Operation Werewolf ” thing.  “Why are you telling me this now?”  Sookie asks.

“Because circumstances have changed . . . I have no interest in rescuing Bill.  In fact, it would be advantageous to me if he were never to return.  However, now they are coming after you .  . . and I . . .”  Eric hesitates, unsure of the proper words.  (He seems almost . . . disturbingly human.)

” . . . my objective was to protect you from danger, not increase it.  Your life is to valuable to throw away,” he finally concludes.

“What do you want me to do?”  Sookie whispers.

“I want you to invite me in, so that I can protect you, and have passionate, primal sex with you.  Hopefully both.”

Sookie seems taken aback by his request, a bit angered by his boldness, and more than a little turned on by the sexual proposition (REMEMBER “stamina” is Eric’s middle name). 

A much stronger woman than I am (You had me at primal sex, Eric!), Sookie insists she still belongs to Bill.  Eric concedes that is true.  They talk a bit about the difficulties of Sookie’s relationship with Bill. 

Suddenly, Eric gets up in Sookie’s face and demands he be invited in.  Sookie begins to argue again, but notes the new insistence in his voice, and ultimately invites him inside.  At that same  moment, a werewolf enters the home, braced for attack. 

Eric bares his fangs, and Sookie grabs her gun and shoots, just as the werewolf begins to pounce . . .

Andy and Jason = BFFs Forever

 Cutest couple EVER!

While Sookie and Eric are battling werewolves and flirting shamelessly with one another, another adorable twosome is navigating the waters of a new and beautiful friendship.  If you recall, Andy has taken the rap for shooting Eggs, even though Jason ACTUALLY shot him, in order to protect his big cuddly loverboy, Andy. 

But now, Andy is being hailed as a hero, an Jason is a bit jealous.  The elder Stackhouse copes with his feelings just like everyone else in this town seems to  . . . by getting wasted, of course!

“I keep trying to be good and do the right thing,” slurs Jason.  “But I always end up doing the wrong thing.”

Andy doesn’t know exactly how to respond to this sudden drunken show of emotion by his bromantic buddy.  So, he does what any good boyfriend would do in this situation, he compliments his pal’s good looks.  “You’re prettier than most girls!”  Andy offers optimistically!

You can say THAT again!  Andy!

But Andy doesn’t say it again.  Instead, he tells Jason that he could do anything he puts his (admittedly small) mind to, as long as he applies himself.  Andy then drags a drunken Jason along with him to a nearby trailer park called “Hot Shot,” where some guy named Calvin Norris is suspected of having a meth lab.  While Andy is attempting to chase down the suspect, Jason comes across one of the few girls out there, who may actually be just as pretty as Jason, himself . . .

Jason tries to talk to Miss Pretty (Lindsay Pulpisher, playing the new upcoming role of Crystal Norris), but she runs away before he can get many words in.  This gives Jason just enough time to tackle Calvin Norris for Andy and save the day!  We knew Andy was right about Jason being pretty.  But, it looks like he was also right about that whole “applying himself” thing.  Who knew?

Vampire Jessica Makes Bill a Grandpa!

 

“Crap!  I’m a mom!  But, how can that be?  I thought I was supposed to be a Virgin for all eternity!  Is this like Divine Conception, or something?”

Vampire Jessica is a bit distracted.  You see, she ate this guy, and fed him her blood.  And now he’s rotting  and decaying, and stinking up her coffin, not to mention her “dad’s” entire house.  So, it’s understandable that she’s not exactly in the mood for nookie.  So, when Hoyt arrives at her home, with a six pack of her favorite brand of True Blood, in hopes of reconciling, she’s a bit less than friendly.

To Hoyt’s credit, he gives this really great heartfelt speech to Vampire Jess, about how he understands why she tried to eat his mother, and how the two of them can fight their flawed natures together.  Vampire Jess is clearly moved by the speech.  But she’s so horrified by the heinous murder she committed, and embarrassed by her stinky home, that she pushes Hoyt away.  And I felt so bad for the poor guy, I literally almost cried. 

Convinced that her “victim” is “Dead-Dead,” Vampire Jessica begins to make plans for his proper disposal, even going as far as to rent a chainsaw to hack up Dead Guy’s body parts (Mmmmm, yummy!)  However, when she returns to the basement that evening, the body is GONE!

Lafayette and Tara Meet Mysterious Men / Decide Life is Worth Living . . .

Surprising precisely NO ONE, Lafayette rescues Tara from her half-hearted pill-swallowing suicide attempt.  Hoping to keep her from trying to off herself again, Lafayette takes Tara to a surprisingly classy mental hospital where Lafayette’s (extremely sharp and witty for a crazy gal) mom is currently residing . . .

Lafayette’s mom (Alfre Woodard) tells Lafayette that he was “killed” when he came out as being gay.  He claims Tara was “killed” too.  “Almost,” replies Tara, quite truthfully. 

Neither Lafayette nor Tara say much to Mommy.  After all, Lafayette didn’t really want to see her, he just wanted to use her to teach Tara a lesson.   Namely, don’t go nuts like my mom, or I’ll lock YOU away too!  Lafayette DOES exchange quite a few words with this guy, however . . .

 . . . his mother’s caretaker, Jesus (played by Kevin Alejandro).

No, no . . . not that one. (It’s pronounced Hay-soos.)

And based on the close talking and lascivious looks these two were giving one another, you just KNOW they are going to hooking up sometime real soon!  It’s HIGH TIME our boy Lafayette got some loving!  After all, he hasn’t had Vampire Eric’s blood in a while, and he REALLY needs something new to dance about . . .

Back at Merlotte’s, a mysterious vampire approaches the bar.  In hopes of making small talk, Tara tells him that she wants to kill herself.  (Very nice, Tara!   What a conversationalist you are!  It’s a real wonder you’re still single!)  Fortunately, for Tara (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), the new vampire dude . . .

 . . . who we know from promos is Franklin Mott (played by James Frain), is unperturbed by Tara’s admission.  In fact, he’s so unperturbed, that later that night, he holds some drunk dudes upright while Tara kicks the crap out of them for fun.  Ahhh . . . young love! 

The Family That Shifts Together, Stays Together . . .

 

“Oh, don’t worry!  This is how we greet ALL of our long lost relatives, down in Hickville!”

After being held at gunpoint by a man who ends up being his biological brother, Tommy (Marshall Allman), Sam is led inside a shabby home.  There, he reunites with his worse-for-wear mother and father.  As it turns out, both Mommy and Tommy Merlotte (well . . . Mickens, actually) are shifters, like Sam, while his father is “normal.” 

Sam’s Mommy cries a bit (but the tears are no where near as pretty as Sookie’s, and therefore, are less, effective) about how she didn’t mean to give up Sam and blah, blah, blah . . .  Sam’s a bit resentful about being put out to pasture to fend for himself as a child, but remains remarkably polite to his trashy bio parents.

The same cannot be said for Sam’s brother, Tommy, who instantly resents him for intruding on his “happy family.”

But then, suddenly (almost TOO suddenly), Tommy wants to make friends.  His olive branch of peace?  “Let’s go for a run,” offers Tommy.

Sam immediately takes off his shirt, and I get excited . . .

But then he turns into a dog . . .

Oh well . . . can’t win em all!

Tommy turns into a dog too.  But he’s this weird funny looking bull dog thing . . . not cute at all.  While the two are out running, a car conveniently swerves into their path. 

 “Miraculously” Tommy has enough foresight to turn into a bird and fly away before the car can hit him.  Sam fares slightly less well, rolling out of the way, just moments before becoming road kill.  The bad news is, his brother clearly tried to kill him.  The good news is, Sam wound up naked in the bushes, as a result.  SO HOT!

Who Knew There Were So Many Good Recipes You Could Make with Blood?

And lastly, we have Vampire Bill and his bloody journey to Mississippi.  It looks like Alan Ball has heard our complaints.  He seems to be totally intent on making Bill Compton more interesting this season. 

 Last week, Bon Temps’ Dullest Vamp starred in that hot gay dream with Sam.  This week, he BIT OFF SOME DUDE’S EAR!  (Now, that’s not very “Southern Gentleman” like, now is it?)  Upon finding Vampire Bill looking like an extra in a zombie movie, Big Gay Vampire King Russell Edgington (Denis O’ Hare) . . .

 

 . . . lectures head werewolf Coot (Grant Bowler) on letting his men feed on Vampire Bill.   He then disposes of the remaining werewolves (aside from Coot).   Finally, in yet another homoerotic scene that would not seem at all out of place on the cover of a romance novel, Russell invites Vampire Bill aboard his massive white steed . . .

Russell brings Vampire Bill back to his bedroom his mansion.  It is there that Bill is introduced to Talbot (played by Theo Alexander), Russell’s lover, as well as home decorater, in-house chef, and host extraordinaire. 

I haven’t known this character long, but already I ADORE him!  In sheer queenishness, Talbot could give Lafayette a real run for his money.  Here’s hoping Talbot ditches old fogey Edgington, and heads to Bon Temp for some Lafayette-flavored loving SUPER soon! 

While Bill and Russell talk business in a way that is polite, while still filled with thinly veiled threats, Talbot regales them with a four course meal that includes, blood sherbert, blood soup, the blood of some Thai boy, and blood from a woman who eats nothing but Tangerines.  Take that lame True Blood bottles from Merlotte’s!

Russell meanwhile has a proposition for Vampire Bill.  If Bill spills the information he has on Queen Sophie Anne, Russell will give him the position of Sheriff of Area 2.  Apparently, Russell would like to marry Sophie Anne, in order to increase the size of his dominion.  He believes that having some blackmail material under his belt, might help him to persuade her to enter into the union.  Bill claims he has no information on Sophie Ann.  However, Russell begs to differ. 

Russell insinuates that Bill initially traveled to Bon Temps on orders from Sophie Anne.  We later learn that Russell has hired someone to search Bill’s home back in Bon Temps.  There, the searcher finds a drawer full of personal information about Sookie. 

Could Bill have seduced Sookie solely on Sophie Anne’s request?  Is there whole relationship a LIE?  If such a development means Sookie will dump Bill’s ass and run straight into Eric’s arms, I say, BRING IT ON, BABY!

When Bill fails to respond to Russell’s insinuations, the Big Gay Vampire King resorts to threatening Sookie’s life (by sending werewolves to her home perhaps?).  That’s when Bill gets angry!  It’s also when his maker Lorena magically appears . . .

And Bill responds by doing what fans of the show have wanted him to do to Lorena since she first appeared . . .

He throws a lamp at her head and SETS THE B*TCH ON FIRE!

Dammit, Bill Compton!  Stop making me like you so much!

That’s all I’ve got folks.  All in all, it was a stellar second episode, in my opinion.  Quick-moving, well-plotted, and jam packed with sexually tense Sookie and Eric goodness — exactly how I like my True Blood!

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