“It all happened so fast” – A Recap of the Teen Wolf Season Finale “The Divine Move”

Que pasa, Werebangers! This second half of the third season of Teen Wolf has been a bit of a whirlwind. Just thinking about how much has gone down in the span of twelve episodes makes me dizzy, and a little sleepy.

Stiles got some nookie . . .(a lot of nookie actually . . . more nookie than he’d gotten in the first 2 seasons combined).

He also went temporarily evil and killed a lot of people . . .

. . . while simultaneously deciding that wrapping toilet paper around one’s face would make for a great fashion statement . . .

Also, 1/3 of the cast left the show . . .

. . . to eventually be replaced by all these other people we’d never seen before (except for maybe that one time we watched The Secret Circle).

Teen Wolf Season 3 set the impressive record of being The Season with the Most Swallowed Bugs . . .

It was the season during which we learned a whole slew of Japanese vocabulary words like Kitsune, Nogitsune, Oni, and Go and Bardo, none of which will ever help us find the bathroom, if we ever find ourselves stuck in Tokyo . . .

And yet still no one has figured out what Greenberg looks like?!!!!

Crazy, right? Let’s review, shall we?

[Special thanks to Andre who fearlessly and loyally provided me with the spectacular screencaps you see here each week. Without him, this website would be nothing more than my own often drunken ramblings about Derek’s abs, and how I find Stiles’ long fingers weirdly sexy . . . ]

The Tragedy Hangover

Anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one will tell you that the initial Moment of Death is not the hardest part. I mean sure, you might scream, or cry, be frozen in shock or fear, laugh inappropriately, or feel oddly empty . . . void of any emotion at all.

But the real pain of that loss doesn’t usually come until hours later, after the dust has settled, the rush of adrenaline has faded, and you’ve stumbled back to your empty home. Its then, and only then, that the realization finally settles in. This person is really gone. They aren’t coming back. That’s the part that’s most devastating . . . the one that could truly wreck you, if you let it.

I think Teen Wolf portrayed that moment of understated, but excruciating pain, well, in the initial moments of the finale, as Lydia, Scott and Isaac had to sit in that police station and calmly lie to the police about what really killed their friend and lover. There are no screams or wails of anguish. Few tears are shed. But still the tragedy of the scene is palpable, and can be summed up in five short words  . . .
“It all happened so fast.”

J.R. Bourne gave a particularly nuanced performance in this episode as a heartbroken father who has now lost his entire family to the Argent Code of Honor, but must lock away his grief beneath a wall of stoicism and steely determination. He does this because he still believes in a cause greater then himself, and because that Cause is the only thing that is keeping him from falling apart.

In some ways, Chris Argent is like a modern day Ned Stark from Game of Thrones . . . only he got to keep his head . . .

The Game of Go-gurt

Holed up in The Lady Fox house, and in desperate need of some self-tanner, and maybe some blush, sickly no-longer-Nogitsuned Stiles is understandably a little ticked off that, while he and his friends seem to have mere hours to live, Kira’s mom seems more interested in drinking un-magical tea, and rambling on about a lame Board Game than in kicking some ONI ass . . .

“What is this ish?”

News flash, Kira’s mom! The Game of Go sucks! And nobody understands that better than Stiles, who was forced to play it in his trapped subconscious for days on end . . .

“Let’s go pay a visit to Everybody’s favorite Magical Veterinarian, Deaton!” Stiles offers helpfully. “He too speaks in annoying metaphors. But at least he doesn’t make me play board games, when I should be out fighting crime!”

Speaking of fighting crime . . .
It’s Oni Time!
At the sheriff’s station, Stiles’ dad and The Hot Sheriff Whose Probably Something Supernatural get paid a visit by a couple Really Pissed Off Oni. Why are they pissed, you ask?

“So, guys.  I got this great joke.  A ninja walks into a bar . . . wait, there’s a ninja standing behind me right now, isn’t there?  Why is there always a ninja behind me, every time I try to tell a ninja joke?”

Maybe it has something to do with their party clothes being so binding. Don’t think that’s a good excuse to go around shooting officers of the law? Well, then YOU try to have fun at a rave while dressed as a cross between Darth Vader and Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Or how about having to work for a real slave driver of a boss, who never lets you take days off, remove your ridiculous uniform, or break for lunch, just because this one time the dude happened to break a stick in front of your face?

“It’s not easy being Oni.”

Come to think of it, the Onis may very well be the most misunderstood baddies on this show. Suck on that, Grandpa!

Stand up and Fight!
From a brooding badass mentor with dubious motives in Season 1, to a tragic, severely flawed antihero, destroyed by his own pride in Season 2, to a not particularly bright, has-been Alpha, with ridiculously bad taste in women and a peculiar blindness for large Neon Warning Signs placed right in front of his face in Season 3a, it’s clear that the character of Derek Hale has seen better days.

But this week gave us a glimpse of another Derek, one from another life, and another type of show . . . a show where he didn’t have to settle for being the Past His Prime Guy . . . or The Guy Who Hangs Out with High Schoolers, Because He Doesn’t Have Any Friends His Own Age. The Derek of “The Divine Move” coulda been a contendah . . . or at least a really inspirational drill sergeant or high school football coach . . .

When the Alpha twins, after being nursed back to health by Doctor Der contemplate blowing the popsicle stand that is Beacon Hills, Good Ole Der gives them a good old fashioned “Hell to the no,” and a speech that was clearly cribbed from this song . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhpZfltbnAQ

(Just swap the word “Scott” in for “love.” And the similarities are truly uncanny.)

Truth be told, Scott has always struck me as more of a sweet dopey puppy, than a heroic Alpha wolf. But the dude IS loyal and persistent in the face of adversity. So, at least he has that going for him . . .

Speaking of Derek, did I mention that his pretty little box with his mother’s gross toenails in it just so happens to be the key to saving the world from Evil Stiles? Now, I did!

There’s a Bathroom on the Right

If I had to choose the most disturbingly powerful, and viscerally impactful scene of the season, my vote would most definitely go to Nogitsu-Stiles’ slo-mo hospital massacre to the tune of one of the most eerily awesome covers of the song “Bad Moon Rising” on the planet.

Jeff Davis and co. definitely didn’t pull any punches here. No one was safe. Nurses, interns, children, mommies, daddies, receptionist, young, old, fat, thin . . . everybody got eviscerated for no other reason than because Nogitsu-Stiles thought murdering them all would be fun. It was awful. It was bloody. It was oddly beautifully choreographed, and glorified its violence with the cool panache of a Tarantino movie. Do not try this at home kiddies.
A word about “Bad Moon Rising.” My dad was a major Creedence Clearwater Revival fan. So much so that I feel like a good portion of my childhood was spent listening to this song on long road trips to family vacations. To this day, it reminds me of that terrible feeling of really having to pee, while stuck in a car, and knowing that there won’t be a rest stop for another twenty miles. . . .

“There’s a bathroom on the right.”

Indeed . . .
Seriously, listen to the original version of the song and tell me that doesn’t sound like what they are saying . . .

Say Hello to My Little Friend

Apparently everyone in Beacon Hills owns a gun with unlimited bullets, but is a terrible shot. So many shootouts in this episode. Cops shooting Oni, Oni shooting cops, Oni shooting Scott’s mom in the leg. No one shooting Scott’s douchey dad, because . . . been there, done that . . .

In Beacon Hills’ law enforcement’s defense, to the Oni, getting pelted with bullets probably feels like the way you and I would feel about being pelted with rubber bands. It’s annoying, and may sting a little, but probably isn’t going to leave you with much in the way of permanent damage. That doesn’t stop the cops from shooting though . . . and shooting . . . and shooting.

They say the definition of an idiot is someone who does the same thing over and over again, expecting different results . . .

I hate to rail on Sheriff Stilinski, because he seems like such a nice guy. But I’m willing to bet Stiles got his brains from his mother’s side of the family, vulnerable to evil spirit possession and deadly disease though they might be . . .

Discoveries Abound
All the shooting and murder packed into this hour left little time for plot exposition. So, they kind of threw it all together into about two minutes. At the same time that Isaac and Papa Argent clue in to Allison’s posthumous discovery that silver is poisonous to the Oni, and can kill them if it penetrates their bodies at the right angle, Lydia figures out that Stiles is dying (which Stiles confirms by popping up, looking kind of dead, and basically saying “I’m dying.”) Simultaneously, all the shot Scooby Gang parents (and Deaton, because you could bet the Oni found him too) figure out that the smoke blowing Oni-induced bullets in them are ALSO poisonous . . .

With all that pesky plot out of the way, I’d say it’s time for another fight scene . . . or ten. Wouldn’t you?

Oni Baloney
Divide, conquer, and mindf*&k. That’s always been the Oni’s game. It’s how Nogitsu-Stiles gets the Scooby Game to think they are all in the same place, but actually find themselves in two different places, both fighting two versions of Nogitsu-Stiles . . .

Who knew this guy had copy machine-like cloning abilities?

Or does he?

While Derek and the twins fight Nogitsu-Stiles and the Oni in one place, and Scott and co fight him seemingly someplace else, it all gets very confusing, very quickly.

For example, since when did it start snowing?

How did Nogitsu-Stiles get back his toilet paper face?

And why is he Moonwalking?

But as is usually the case with the trickster spirit who feeds on chaos, all is not as it seems . . .

Nogitsu-Stiles offers Stiles and Co an alternative to all this mass murder. Stiles can disembowel himself, and Scott and chop off his head. Then, everyone else gets to live.

Sounds great, right?

Nahhh!

You see, Stiles still has one move left. And it’s . . . wait for it . . . The Divine Move.

In a flash, our wise hero/villain discovers that it’s not really snowing, and the Scooby Gang isn’t really in “Bardo,” as Nogitsu-Stiles had suggested.

They are just outside the school. And the Oni . . . and toilet paper head they are fighting? Nothing more than mere illusions.

Because the real Nogitsu-Stiles and Oni are fighting Derek and the twins.

So, what’s a Scooby Crew to do?

Face the illusion, head-on, of course. Wake up and smell the toilet paper head!

Because any experienced sufferer of nightmares knows that the easiest way to defeat a bad dream is to discover that you are having one . . .

“You can’t kill meeeeeeee.”
Ahhh, the Villain’s Anthem. Every Season has one . . .

And 3B is no exception.

There’s a point in every narrative where the Bad Guy, whose been performing flawlessly up to this point, finally allows his own hubris to get the best of him. And so he gets his last Monologue of Evil. It’s both his theme song and his death rattle.

Because, it’s precisely when Nogitsu-Stiles is proclaiming his immortality that he is at his most vulnerable. Isaac and Papa Argent are silver sniping his Oni, left and right. Scott and Kira have pullen the fabric off his deftly created hallucination.

Stiles and Lydia . . . well, they aren’t doing much of the fighting. But they look pretty darn cute, spouting out sassy things to the Evil One, don’t they . . .
And then comes the clincher: “Change the Host, kill the Void.”

All this time, everyone assumed that meant that Scott would have to bite Stiles. But with Nogitsu-Stiles out on his own, the True Alpha has things much easier. He just gets to bite the Bad Guy.

And like that poof . . . he’s gone.

Literally, the bug flies out of his mouth and straight into Mama Hale’s gross nail jar. And then Evil Stiles, well, he cracks up and turns to ash . . .

You gotta hand it to this baddie. He even knows how to die cool.

Then, magically all those dying people with festering Oni wounds are just peachy.

With one or two very big exceptions . . .
Exception 1: Stiles, who collapses mere seconds after the death of his doppelganger.

Stiles is dead. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Just kidding!

Dude just needed another nap. It’s been a long season, after all.
Exception 2: Aiden

This one might be a bit more permanent.

You see, that’s the trouble with redemption arcs. They can often be deadly . . .

In the end, the Alpha twins were finally able to prove themselves to the pack into which they so desperately wanted membership. But membership just wasn’t in the cards for them . . .

Regression to the Mean
Back when I was a kid and I had a really bad day, I would always comfort myself with the knowledge that I was “owed” a couple of good days for my troubles, or at least some less crappy ones . . . because I believed that things generally evened out in the end.

Who knew that was actually a real scientific principle? Thanks Deaton!

Season 3A ended with an almost unrealistically cheery concluding montage, particularly after all the death and carnage the Darach had created in Beacon Hills. This season ended with a montage too, but it was a much more somber one. The Scooby Gang had lost members of its own tribe . . . important members that they loved and cherished. And though they will regroup and move on, they know, deep down, that it will never be quite the same.

It’s for that reason that Ethan decides to leave Beacon Hills, a place where the death of his twin will never be far from his consciousness. Danny understands. In fact, he’s actually pretty content about the whole thing. He knows there will be other guys for him . . . guys that don’t howl at the moon, and haven’t murdered their entire family . . . guys that aren’t werewolves.

Yep, that’s right Werebangers. Danny was in the know about the supernatural whozits and whatzits of Beacon Hills all along! He just chose to play dumb about it, because he’d prefer to stay alive and retain his humanity, thank you very much.

I take back what I said about Stiles and Lydia. Danny is actually the smartest teen in Beacon Hills.

In other news, Malia has enrolled in high school, despite only having a third grade education. But it’s totally cool, because she has, as coach said, “Really good muscle definition,” and can make her nails grow at will, like Wolverine . . .

She’s also screwed Stiles, thereby saving his life, in the event that a Virgin Killer happens to find her way to Beacon Hills again . . .

Speaking of returning She-Devils . . .
La Loba of a Different Color
Derek Hale is having a dream, in which he is in a gym locker room with Stiles, touching his “fingers,” which is pretty much the first chapter of every Sterek fanfiction I have ever read . . .

“That’s gross.  But also kind of hot.”

In real life, things are much less rosy, however. He’s in his house, and those pesky Mexican hunters are there again, babbling on about “La Loba” “La Loba.”

Derek immediately assumes they are talking about his sister Cora. But Cora’s off in Europe pretending to be the Queen Mary.

So, it’s not her they are after.
It’s this b*tch!

She’s baaaaaaaaaaaack.

See ya in the summertime, Werebangers!

Casualties of War – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Insatiable”

Hey there, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, our Scooby Gang learned that, when you are fighting an evil fox spirit with a penchant for shoving flies into its enemies orifices, casualties of war are inevitable.  And sometimes those casualties might come in the form of people you always assumed would be safe, because they are in the main title sequence of the show .  . .

That’s right, boys and girls.  Jeff Davis actually went and killed off Allison Argent, one of Teen Wolf’s Big Four, a decision that will undoubtedly alter the feel and dynamic of the show for the rest of its run.  Regardless of how you felt about Allison as a character, and the way she was utilized throughout the series (first as a love interest, then as a surprise villain, then as a redemption story, and finally, as wallpaper), Teen Wolf fans cannot doubt the impact of her presence on the show for its past three seasons.

And so, without further adieu, I present to you the episode that will forever go down in Teen Wolf history as Allison Argent’s Swan Song . . .

(It will also go down in history as the episode with Two Stiles!  Talk about Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun.)

 

[As always, a big hearty thank you goes out to my screencapping pal Andre, who I think would pull an evil mind controlling fly out of my mouth, if I asked nicely . . . though I suspect he’d do it wearing a surgical glove, and would make certain I’d at least brushed my teeth first.]

Open Your Mouth and Say Ahhhh

 

“This is more uncomfortable than that time my brother stuck his hand up my ass and merged bodies with me.“

What a fun way to begin an episode!  Deaton decides to exorcise Isaac, Aiden and Ethan of their demons the old fashioned way, by sticking his hand down their throat and making them puke them out in the shower.   (I guess having the wolves do it themselves would have made it seem like Teen Wolf promotes bulimia?)

 

Deep Throat 2: Dig Deeper

Speaking of exorcise, Stiles finally mans up and gets his Oni-induced self-tattoo . . .

 

“Can’t I just get a hickey instead?”

“We meet again.”

“You know, since we are going the whole tattoo route, I was thinking you could give me something a bit more original . . . like Batman or the Abominable Snowman.”

“Or you could just give me the same old boring backwards S everybody else has . . . whichever you think is best.”

. . . thus proving him to no longer be a possessed evil demon, but rather someone with whom many Soap Opera characters can relate: The Guy with the Evil Twin.

 

 

“I’m the hot one!”

Speaking of Stiles’ Less Snarky But More Swaggery other half, he’s chillin in the basement of Eichen House with a kidnapped Lydia, trying to charm her with his best nogitsune pickup lines . . .

“Scream for me Lydia,” he coos.

“Check out my cool underground lair that smells like dead people.”

“Your other love interest on this show is probably going to croak.  And I look just like him.  Isn’t that good enough?”

“I can eat your feelings.  Yum!  Sexy, sexy!”

 

“Lydia’s feelings taste like onion rings.”

“Hey, mind if I sniff your neck?”

Fortunately for the Nogitsune, Lydia is no stranger to generalized creepiness, and uncouth sexual advances.  After all, she dated Jackson . .  .

And Dead Uncle Peter . . .

And This Guy . . .

Come to think of it, Nogitsu-Stiles might very well be her ideal mate!

Preparing for Battle

Around Beacon Hills, our Scooby Crew are all prepping for the showdown of the century.  Deputy Parish is speaking cryptically . . .

Derek and Papa Argent are . . . kissing and making up .  . .

 

“You wouldn’t happen to know where I might be able to find a Hallmark card that says, ‘Sorry I doused you in kerosene, because I swallowed an evil bug, would you?”

“I keep a bunch of them in my top drawer just in case.”

“Cool.  Would you mind writing one to yourself from me?  I haven’t picked up a writing utensil in ten years, and even then it was just to stab someone I didn’t like in the eye.”

Kira and her mom are . . . enjoying Family Game Night.

 

 

“When you are 900 years old, you find a lot of new and inventive ways to waste time.”

“If I wanted to waste time, I’d go upstairs and have meaningless lukewarm sex with Scott, not play a more boring version of checkers with you.”

Stiles, Scott and Sheriff Stilinski are paying a visit to everybody’s Second Favorite Banshee, Crazy Meredith, who they figure may have Lydia on her “Friends and Family” plan on her non-working payphone.

“E.T phone home.”

(Why does everybody always assume that all banshees automatically know one another?  Isn’t that a little racist?)

Unfortunately, finding Meredith may be easier said than done.  After all, like seemingly every other loon in Eichen House, Meredith has figured out that freedom is always just a misplaced shot of Haldol, and an orderly key swipe away . . .

 

“Rats, foiled again!”

Which you are YOU?

While Lydia endures the creepy company of Nogitsu-Stiles, Real Stiles takes a nap, and awakens petrified that this little snooze, like every other one he’s taken this season was less nap and more EVIL FOX POSSESSION.

“Nope, you were legitimately sleeping this time,” his bro Scott reassures him.

 

“Hey remember that time you and I were in each other’s arms like this, and you stabbed me with a sword?  Good times.”

Stiles seems pretty relieved to hear this good news, except for the fact that he’s now freezing cold and pretty much at death’s door.

 

Nogits-Flu

A nice healthy Nogitsune Possession is starting to look like a pretty attractive alternative now,  isn’t it Stiles?

Speaking of mistaken identity, Allison is forced to ask Isaac whether he was the dude she f*&ked the night before, or if she actually bumped uglies with the psycho fly guy who chained her to the bed the following morning.

 

Isaac proudly proclaims that it was definitely him who put his weiner inside the Argent vajayjay.

 

“I totally tapped that ass!”

And that’s really nice for Allison to hear.  I mean, no one wants to think they’ve been having sex with bugs . . .

But honestly I’m still a bit skeptical.  Let’s recap . . . Isaac was ill in the hospital and unconscious up until that fly invaded his IV.  Then his eyes went all firefly yellow, and the next thing you know he’s perfectly  healthy in Allison’s bedroom acting oddly quiet, extremely sexually aggressive and way creepier than usual.

I don’t know about you guys, but it sure sounds like Bug Sex to me.

Perhaps, Isaac was just telling Allison what she wanted to hear, because he somehow knew she was  shortly headed to the big ole Argent Graveyard in the Sky, and he didn’t want her to die feeling all skeeved out her recent sexual encounter.  Nice guy , that Isaac!

Coach Crackhead TO THE RESCUE!

Having somehow wandered  all the way from Eichen House to the high school on foot (is this entire town one square mile long?), Meri-Death gets the brilliant idea to sit in on Coach’s Econ class . . . probably because every other teacher in the school has already been murdered, and Coach’s class is the only one left.

 

“Since Post Nogitsune Stiles is less snarky and more emo broody, I figured the Scooby Gang had an opening in the position of  The Quirky One.  Is now a good time to apply?”

Eichen House Dickwad, who didn’t even bother to change out of his scrubs before making the trip to school, has some not-so-nice words to say to everyone’s favorite Econ Teacher before barging in to bring Meredith back to the loony bin.

 

The Pajama Squad

Bad move, Dickwad.  You just messed with the wrong gym teacher.

Meredith, meanwhile, is doing what any self-respecting banshee escaped from a mental institution would do.  She’s talking to a piano!  The problem is that the piano is speaking too quietly, and Meredith can’t hear it.

 

“Beethoven is that you?  Think you could maybe teach me how to play chopsticks?”

And then, just when the piano is finally ready to speak up, in comes Eichen House Dickwad with his trustee taser.

 

“Torturing mentally disturbed minors is awesome!“

Fortunately for Meredith, Coach Crackhead hates douchebags with tasers .  . . and bullies . .  and people who curse . . . and the American Healthcare system.

Nighty night, Eichen House Dickwad!

And that was how Coach Crackhead finally became an unofficial member of the Scooby Gang.  Here’s hoping they don’t they don’t decide to kill him off next week . ..

Father Knows Best

In other adult news, Allison and Papa Argent shared a nice moment, during which Papa indoctrinated Allison into kind of a neat family tradition of fashioning bullets out of silver.  I liked that Allison decided to fashion a silver arrowhead instead, since that has always been her weapon of choice.

One of the cool things about Allison Argent is that, while she remained faithful to her family’s history and ideals, she was never afraid to question them, when they needed questioning, and to chart out her own path, when the old family guidebooks didn’t seem to suit her current situation.  As a werewolf hunter, Allison Argent has always been a bit of a pioneer.  Sure she stumbled a bit, along the way, was evil for a good portion of the second season, and sometimes seemed more interested in getting laid than getting stuff done.  But hey, she’s just a teenager after all.  And given that, I’d say she made for a pretty fierce heroine during her lifetime on the show.

Was Allison’s “goodbye” to her father a bit heavy handed, particularly in light of her demise by the end of the episode?  Sure!  I mean, Allison and her dad pretty much put themselves in harm’s way every episode this season.  Why choose now to get all mushy gushy about it?  But as an opportunity to showcase the character’s strengths and how much she’s grown since the pilot episode, I think the season was an effective one.

Unlike, say . . . the scene between Scott and his dad . . .

After weeks of speculation, the real Big Secret Scott’s dad had been keeping from his son about why he left was finally revealed.  And it was . . .  drumroll please . . .

Scott hit his head once when he was a baby, because Scott’s dad was a drunk.

THAT’S IT????!   THAT’S THE DEEP DARK SECRET?? WHY THE GUY STAYED AWAY ALL THIS TIME?

Well . . . at least it explains why our True Alpha is so . . . how do I put this kindly?  Slow?

Too many knocks to the noggin during one’s pre-adolescent years could cause any kid to end up a few crayons short of a Crayola Box .  . .

Speaking of non-sequiturs, elsewhere in Beacon Hills the Alpha Twins almost get murdered by a barrage of wolfsbane-infused bullets, but are rescued by Derek, in a sequence that seems to have absolutely nothing to do with this week’s episode, apart from the possible build-up of a cliffhanger for Season 4.

Change in Ownership

It took Kira playing a silly board game with her mother, and a fake cell phone conversation between Meredith and The Banshee Network for our Scooby Gang to figure out what most fans could have told you back in episode 3 or 4 . . . that the final showdown between the Oni, Nogitsu-Stiles and the Scooby Gang was destined to take place where all this crap began 70 years earlier  . . . at Eichen House.

Speaking of complex machinations leading to obvious conclusions, it also appears that Nogitsu-Stiles only captured Lydia so he could figure out when the Oni were close enough for him to break Kira’s mom’s last tail, assigning their ownership from her to him.

Hey Nogitsu-Stiles, I could think of another way you could have figured out when the Oni were close . . . you could have waited until you ACTUALLY SAW THEM . . .

Just saying . .

Complaints aside, I’m not a huge fan of Kira’s mom.  I think she’s kind of a b*tch basically.  So, I’d be lying if I didn’t cheer just a little bit when Nogitsu-Stiles smiled smarmily at his sort-of / kind-of erstwhile ex girlfriend, while he flaunted her army of former minions in her face.  That’s what you get for being cocky, Mommy Dearest.

MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAAAAT

Time for this week’s fight scene.  And ooh, I’ve gotta say, this one is a doozy.

Stiles finds Lydia and to say she is unhappy to be rescued is an understatement.  Not that the girl is ungrateful, per say, it’s just that she was pretty confident the death that she was feeling was Nogitsu-Stiles.  But now that all her friends are here fighting for her honor, well . . .

Let’s just say she’s rightfully got a bad feeling about this.

While Real Stiles takes a much deserved other nap  (Dude really did spend most of this season asleep, didn’t he?) .  . .

. . . the rest of the gang takes another shot at the now fully-recharged evil Oni.  And they get slaughtered!

 

 

“Homework is looking pretty good right now.”

In a surprise twist, Allison figures out, almost by accident that they key to killing the Oni are the same silver-tipped arrowheads she fashioned just hours earlier.

 

 

 

 

“I’m mellllttttinnnng.”

Annnnnd . .. then she gets her tummy sliced in half by an Oni Sword.  Isn’t that always how things work out?

A horrified Scott rushes to Allison’s side only to realize that she is basically already gone.  He can’t even take away her pain, because she feels nothing.  In her tearfully poignant final monologue, Allison declares Scott as her first and always love . . .

(Sorry Isaac!  Maybe it would have been better off if she did bone the fly.)

She also pleas that Scott tell her father something . . . but she dies before she can say what that something is.  I’m thinking her message for dad has to do with the Oni-killing arrowheads. Allison must have put something different in them to make them the effective weapons they were.  I suspect this “secret” will come into play in next week’s finale.

But for now, we mourn Allison Argent, the third member of the Argent clan to meet an untimely demise, and the first to actually die as a pretty darn decent person . . .

 

 

Why do I have the terrible feeling that old evil Gramps is going to outlive them all . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf, the Season of Nogitsu-Stiles will reach its stunning conclusion, and another pack member will, unfortunately, kick the wolfsbane bucket.

Any guesses as to which Beacon Hills resident shouldn’t be buying any green bananas?

Until next time,Werebangers!

Buggin’ Out – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “De-Void”

Aloha, Werebangers!   This week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles found some even more creatively disgusting uses for his seemingly never-ending army of Fireflies-on-Steroids.

Seriously, where the heck does he store all these busy little dudes on their days off?  What’s the firefly equivalent of an Ant Farm or Roach Motel?  Firefly Flea Circus, perhaps?

As if that wasn’t enough, “De-Void” also introduced us to some new characters . . . Meet

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Derek . . .

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Isaac . . .

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Ethan/Aiden . . .

and Dream Slut Allison .   . .

It was almost like an alternate dimension Beacon Hills, where the entire Scooby Gang were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes . . .  Actually, when Ethan / Aiden, and, to a lesser extent, Isaac, were first introduced, they pretty much were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes.  But we like to forget about that nowadays, don’t we, Werebangers?

Loved it!

So open your eyes, close your mouths, and, for heaven sakes, try not to get possessed by any evil fox spirits within the next twenty minutes or so, because it’s time for another Wolf-cap . . .

[As always, a hearty Werebanging Thanks to Andre for the gorgeous screencaps you see here.  Andre’s mind probably doesn’t have as many red balloons, lockers, evil tree stumps, or unwinnable Games of Go, as Stiles’ mind does, but I’m sure it’s still a fairly impressive and fun place to spend the afternoon.]

Silly Adults, Tricks are for Kids!

I hate to say it, folks.  But Nogitsu-Stiles is super sexy.

What can I say, I have a soft spot for TERRIBLE BOYFRIENDS!

Just as smart as human Stiles, but twice as powerful, he expertly stacks his chess pieces on the board, without them even realizing they are playing right into his hands.   The most dangerous villain is the one who gets his enemies to fight his battles for him.   And that’s precisely what Nogitsu-Stiles did here.

Step 1: Draw your enemies into one place, making them that much easier to control.

“You know, we all spend a lot of time in here . . . fighting evil, and such.  So, I was thinking we could do a little decorating.  Maybe put in a couple of couches, a flat screen TV, the carcasses of Derek’s dead relatives . . . that sort of thing.”

Step 2: Pray on their weaknesses.

A father’s love for his son . . .

A hunter’s ego and bloodlust  . . .

“Constantly being outsmarted by teenagers can really take a toll on one’s self esteem.”

A friend’s loyalty . ..

“Not going to lie.  I’m a little turned on right now.  You should know that your being a homicidal maniac is totally not a deal breaker for me. Pretty much all my exes are evil.”

“Trust me, friend.  This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you.”

“Really?  Because I’ve had paper cuts more painful than this?”

Step 3: Know when to get the f&*k out of the way . . .

“Sh*t, this place again.  Why doesn’t the Nogitsune ever possess people someplace fun . . . like college students on Spring Break.  We’ve been waiting 800 years for a tan!”

“It’s been fun guys.  But I’ve kind of gotta jet.  Call me when you want to discuss options for Derek’s new oriental rug!“

As much as Nogitsu-Stiles knew the Scooby Gang wanted him expelled from Stiles’ body, or at least incapacitated, he knew they wanted the Oni out of the picture, even more.  After all, keeping Real Stiles body alive and unharmed was the Scooby Gang’s only hope for keeping alive the loyal and snarky brains behind their operation.

And the Oni don’t exactly have a reputation for making clean breaks . . .

And so, when night fell, and the Oni appeared on Derek’s doorstep, Nogitsu-Stiles knew all he had to do was step back and enjoy the fruits of Real Stiles’ beloved status amongst his pack. They couldn’t defeat the Oni, of course.  But at least they could distract them from their real target, at least for one night . . .

“I feel so used!”

Truth be told, Real Stiles could stand to take some lessons from Nogitsu-Stiles on big pimping.   Had he followed even a bit of the Evil Ones advice, the fan favorite undoubtedly would have bagged Lydia Martin long ago  . . .

Of course, by the time Scott and Kira arrive, all the damage has already been done.  Derek’s injured, Nogitsu-Stiles is gone, the Oni have vanished.

Is it possible to impeach a “True” Alpha?

True Sassy Peter was a Total Socio, but at least he never would have let things go down like this . . .

Should Have Brought More Bug Spray

Speaking of massive failures, Mama de Kira goes to the Insane Asylum to pay respects to the lost love of her life, Toilet Paper Head . . .

“Hey sweet cheeks.  My body is rotting, my soul is gone.  But, surprisingly enough, my equipment still works.  Care for another roll in the toilet paper for old times sake?”

“Tempting, but I’m still pulling flies from my underwear following our last rendezvous . . .”

We can understand her nostalgia.  After all, Nogitsu- Reese may not have been much to look at . . .

“I’m too sexy for my head scarf . . .”

. . . but at least he had a rockin’ body . . .

“Let’s not forget, I had massive balls.”

. . . and unlike Mama de Kira’s current Boy Friday,  it took WAY more than a single stupid firefly to bring her last boyfriend to his knees . . .

“Hey, I have a very sensitive stomach!”

Talk about trading down!

Enter Nogitsu-Stiles . . .

“This is the part of the show where I figure out a way to stick your tail inside me, while still keeping this show suitable for general audiences.”

Kid travels fast!  Last I checked, Derek’s house was not quite next door to Eichen House.  Being an evil fox spirit must come with unlimited frequent flyer miles from the Kitsune Equivalent of Jet Blue . .

While, the Scooby Gang is still back at Derek’s house, licking their wounds . . . Nogitsu-Stiles is already squaring off with Mama de Kira, stealing one of her tails, and stabbing it into Stiles’ tummy . . .

“So much phallic symbolism, so little time.”

WOAH Stiles???!!! What the heck were they feeding you in the Loony Bin?

“Now, I know why my dad always told me not to sit with my tongue out and my head out the window, whenever we went on car rides . . .”

Though I’ve been told an all bug diet is actually surprisingly rich in vitamins and minerals, while still being low and fat, something tells me the FDA wouldn’t approve .  . .

“I told them I liked to eat FRIES . . . with an ‘R!!!”

Especially, since it seems like someone forgot to kill the bugs before our rascally mental patient ate them . . .

“Don’t knock it, until you’ve flied it!”

Anywhoo, Beacon Hill can now add “Bug Infestation” to the long list of reasons why its property values are plummeting weekly . . .

Best Commercial for Band-aids EVER!

Everyone knows Teen Wolf is no stranger to product placement . . . from Bing Search Engines to Samsung Phones to pimped out motorcycles to Stiles’ never ending supply of witty t-shirts, MTV, as a network has never been afraid to sell out their much-coveted  aged 18-25 viewing demographic and sell them HARD!

I myself, am usually quite immune to product placement . ..

But you know what I did after watching this episode?  I bought myself Band-Aids, lots and lots of Band-Aids . . .

Because, apparently, if you don’t use Band-Aids, evil bugs will crawl into your cuts and bruises, and make you try to kill all your friends . . .

*Slurp, slurp*

And I’d like for my friends to stay alive for the time being, thank you very much . . .

That said, evil bugs aren’t all bad . . . apparently, they help you get laid . . .

“YEAH!  BUG PORN!”

Which tells me that if I ever run out of Band-Aids, I should really stock up on contraceptives, if I don’t want an army of baby TV Recappers running around my not particularly large apartment . . .

Product placement, Teen Wolf . . . you got me this time . . . TWICE!

Damn, GPS!

Living just outside a major metropolitan area, I have little use for private transportation and can no longer afford to pay for long-term parking . . .

But back in the good ole days, when I owned a car, I had a rather complicated relationship with my GPS system.  I lovingly named her Taylor.  And Taylor and I spent many hours alone together on the lonely roads of the Garden State.    Sure, she got annoyed at me sometimes, snarkily saying things like “Calculating Route,” or “When possible make a legal u-turn,” when I disobeyed her patient instruction.   But I couldn’t navigate my way out of a paper bag, so I gladly accepted her lectures .  . . despite  those times when she “accidentally” navigated me into “bad neighborhoods,” “roads that haven’t existed for 15 years,” and “possible illegal drug transactions made by Gangs with Guns.”

“Make a left turn at the Hell Mouth, followed by a right turn at Your Inevitable Death.”

So, I can commiserate with Lydia, who finds herself having phantom conversations with a GPS no one else can hear, while driving with her boyfriend, which unwittingly lead her to the possibly possessed unconscious boy who SHOULD be her boyfriend, lying in the middle of the road.

“You have reached your destination . . .  for sex in Season 4.”

MY GPS almost got me killed many times, but it never once gave me romantic advice . . .

Lydia, consider yourself lucky . . .

Fifty Shades of Nogitsune . . .

Back at Chez Argent, Allison learns that the S&M of romance novels may be sexy in theory, but in practice, being chained to a bed is less sexy than TOTALLY DEMORALIZING . . .

“I know my father told me I should stop opening my legs for every boy I meet.  But this is kind of ridiculous.”

Back at Derek’s loft, Nogitsu-Stiles annoys everybody enough with his smart mouth to get a wad of ducktape on his lips, or as the Nogitsune refers to it . . .  foreplay . .  .

“Talk dirty to me?”

Hey, the guy has already pretty much screwed over everyone on the show,  why not at least get a little pleasure-pain enjoyment out of the process?

Speaking of Derek, it turns out that his Nogitsune-possessed incarnation is a lot less forgiving of the Argent’s  slow burn of the entire Hale werewolf clan and their happy home, than the Derek we’ve known for three seasons . . .

“Think of it as REALLY HOT massage oil. . .”

As it turns out, Possessed Derek believes that what his newfound bromance with Papa Argent needs to really be at its strongest is a little FIRE .  . .

I like how the Nogitsune in this episode, doesn’t so much completely alter the minds of its pawns, as it does remind them of their pre-existing anger, and use it to his own deviously destructive advantage.  After all, Derek likely genuinely does still harbor some ill-will towards the Argents for pan frying his mother and siblings.  Isaac truly has never been able to 100 percent forgive the twins for murdering Boyd (and possibly Erica). And there’s a part of Ethan that probably is super pissed that his twin brother’s inability to play nice with others has kept him from enjoying the full protection of membership in Scott’s pack . . .

Allison and Kira arrive on the scene to help, but . . . really . . . these dumb brainwashed boys are fully capable of fighting their own battles . . . aren’t they?

“We aren’t being the least bit helpful.  But at least we look super fashionable while we do it . . .”

Weapons of Mass Destruction

With half of their pack turned into angry vengeful zombies, the Scooby Gang is forced to dig into their bag of less desirable weapons against Nogitsu-Stiles.  Their reluctant choice?  Sassy Uncle Peter, of course!

Of course, Sassy Uncle Peter isn’t the type to give away something for nothing.  He requires payment for his temporary dalliances with heroism.  And that payment comes in the form of secrets from Lydia about the true name of his bastard child.

Lydia reluctantly agrees to give up the goods.  And before you know it, Sassy Uncle Peter is inducing one of his trademark nail rapes on his subjects, and Scott and Lydia are on board a first class flight into the uber terrifying Mind of Stiles Stilinski .. .

Tell me, Werebangers, what kinds of awful goodies do you think Professional Nail Rapist Peter would find in YOUR MINDS????

Be afraid, Werebangers . . .  Be Very Afraid . .  .

This is your brain on Stiles . . .

Stiles’ brain is a fun place to play . . . a nostalgic trip into Teen Wolf episodes’ past . . .

First our Scooby Heroes’ find themselves in the memorable “five-point restraint system” of Echo House.

And, of course, it’s entirely up to Lydia to remind the Alpha Wolf in bed beside her . . .

“Hey, Dumbass . . . WOLVES BREAK RESTRAINTS!”

And so he does . . .

After that, Nogitsu-Stiles switches to a divide and conquer strategy that would make Dream Warrior Freddy Krueger proud.

“Toilet paper head . . . I should have thought of that!”

He places Lydia into the midst of her Season 1 Prom Fantasy Gone Bad . . .

“Haha, look at all those blue balls.  Bet I cause a lot of those in high school!”

And he appeals to Scott’s weakest member, his p*&nis . . .

“Should I be creeped out that my best friend clearly fantasizes about me having sex with my ex?”

. . . with an impromptu makeout session from a version of Stiles’ ex-girlfriend Allison, who is DTF, all the time!

Kira may be cool with fully clothed smooches in the bed.  But let’s face it, when it comes down to naked action, the sly fox is no match for the sexually adventurous hunter . . .

You go, Stiles!  Who knew your brain was such an X-rated playground in which to play . . .

Papa Don’t Preach

Meanwhile, at Sheriff Stilinski’s impeachment hearings, Stiles’ pops finds himself an unlikely ally in . . .

“You kind of suck at your job.”

“True, but everyone else on the police force pretty much gets killed after two episodes max.  So it’s not like you have a lot of options.”

. . . Detective McCall?

“Douchey on the outside.  Soft and mushy on the inside.”

Turns out, Scott’s dad just used the whole “Firing Stiles’ Dad from his Sheriff Job” thing as an excuse for some father/son bonding time.  Yikes, Papa McCall . . . most dads just spring for a fishing trip, or something . . .

No GO!

Back in Stiles’ head, thanks to a much needed wakeup call from Peter, Lydia and Scott finally break out of their personal hell’s long enough to  find mission control in the Stilinski Brain . . . turns out, it’s Stiles caught in a never-ending game of Go with the Nogitsune.

“GROW A BRAINNNNNNN!”

(Apparently, Go is kind of like Monopoly . . . you know, one of those games that literally can go on for decades, if none of your opponents are smart enough to admit they are tired of playing, and would prefer to spring for some pizza, instead.)

“Poor man’s checkers . . .”

Compared to the rest of Stiles’ brain, this is just plain BORING . . .

“Is this supposed to be like a shopping mall?”

Time to blow this popsicle stand, Oh Skinny Sarcastic One . . .

I know what will help you!  How about a little Care Bear Stare . . . er, I mean, call from your Alpha . ..

And with one wild roar, everyone in Scott’s back has been de-Nogitsuned . . .

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

Talk about a powerful mouth!  No wonder Scott is so popular with the ladies . . .

Got any toilet paper?

Back in Derek’s loft, Lydia and Scott are back from their vacation in Stiles’ brain, but Stiles still seems sort of / kind of unconscious, at least until Lydia whispers in Peter’s ear the name of Peter’s daughter: Malia.

“Bulimia is BAD, kiddies!  Do not try this at home!“

SEX . . . teens and sex . . . if the Scooby Gang only knew that all it took to end Stiles’ nogitsune possession was to utter the name of his first sexual partner, they may have gotten him laid long ago .  . .

Cue the massive toilet paper vomit of Lost Love Remembrance . . .

“Hey guys!  We’ve got enough toilet paper in here to last us a month!”

But wait . . . which Stiles is which?

Hint, Nogitsu-Stiles may NOT be the one beneath the bandages . . .

“Fooled you again, SUCKAS!” Say Nogitsu-Stiles as he runs off with Real Stiles’ Lady Love Lydia . . .

Now, how’s THAT for a Mind F*&k?  You’re move, Scooby Gang!

Until next time, Werebangers!

The Trojan Horse – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Letharia Vulpina”

“Hey, it’s me Stiles!  Let me in!  I’m totally harmless, and not at all possessed by an evil sociopathic spirit, who experiences orgasms from your pain.”

So you probably all read that story in school about how the Greeks defeated the Trojans during the Trojan war, by making them believe they had already won the war, presenting them with an attractive looking package that seemed to cement their victory, and using that package to get themselves behind enemy lines and ultimately defeat their oppressors.

My Little Trojan Horse Pony

Quite a few times this season, we’ve seen “Stiles” trick people into accepting dangerous substances, by wrapping those substances in shiny white paper and pretty silver bows, and disguising them as gifts.

And yet, when you think about it, the REAL Trojan Horse of Season 3B is Stiles, himself . . . Good, Snarky, Skinny, Smart, Loveable Virgin Stiles . . . the guy we loved, adored and rooted for, over the course of three seasons.  By using this fan favorite character as his host, the Nogitsune gains unofficial membership into Scott’s pack.  He enjoys the benefits of their power and protection.  He becomes privy to their secrets.

He defeats them, without them even realizing they are being defeated . . .

All of the Teen Wolf villains have tried to some extent to accomplish this, with varying degrees of success.  Peter tried to get behind enemy lines by controlling his adversaries . . .

“Dance puppet, dance!”

 . . . the Kanaima by terrorizing them . . .

.  . . the Darach by boning them (or, at least, one of them) . . .

. . . Grandpa by manipulating them . . .

. . . the Alpha Pack by torturing them.

But none of these attempted takedowns have been as effective as the one perpetrated by Nogitsu-Stiles . . .  a sly villain who understands that the best way to defeat your nemeses is to become one of them . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thank you to Everyone’s Favorite Supernatural Screencapper Andre, whose every picture is worth a thousand words . . . which means I can write a lot less. :)]

Dr. Dolittle’s Revenge

Once upon a time, there was a veterinarian with the quirky ability to talk to animals.  Talking to the animals made the doctor seem like a bit of a nutbar, but it also made him better at his job.

By being able to ask the animals directly what exactly it was that was ailing them, he could more quickly and easily cure them.

But this magical ability also came with a darkside, as efficient a healer of animals as Dr. Dolittle was, he was also it pretty efficient killer of animals.  He knew their weaknesses, how to gain their trust, how to disarm them . . .

Poor Yuki and his well-meaning, if slightly curmudgeony, Yakuza owner, learned this lesson the hard way, when Dr. Dolittle Deaton Trojan Horsed their asses, just so he could do a little weeding in their backyard . . .

“NOOOOOOOOOO!”

Now, that’s just rude!

Now, I haven’t checked Career Builder recently to find out how much they pay vets in Beacon Hills, but it must be a lot, because our Deaton had enough moolah to fly all the way to Japan just to slip some paralytic Kanaima snot into poor Yuki Wolf’s puppy chow.

“OK, be honest.  Which one of you yakuza pooped in my Kibbles n Bits?”

Under the guise of attempting to cure little Yuki, Deaton quickly gains access, not only to Yakuza headquarters, but also to the cursed garden where Nogitsu-Yakuza was murdered by the Oni, in that flashback a few episodes back.

“Marijuana farm?”

“Why was my adorable Yuki eating fox poison from this creepy shrine to my dead father and his massively f*&ked up teeth?”  The Yakuza wants to know.

“Just kidding!”  Deaton replies.  “He wasn’t.  And I just made you touch Kanaima goo.  Nana-Nana- NOO NOO!”

“I wonder how high I would get if I smoked all of this?”

Dr. Deaton blows the most powerful man in Japan a raspberry, as the latter lies on the floor dumbfounded and motionless, trying to figure out what the f*&k just happened to him, and how he wound up on a teen television show as the nameless patsy, as opposed to in a Martial Arts movie as the main villain, where he clearly belongs.  Then, Dr. Does-Slightly-More-Than-a-Little (at least this week) pockets some Nogitsu-Stiles killing weeds, and heads back to America on JetBlue, like the BAMF he is .  . .

“Suck on that, Eddie Murphy!”

The Electric Slide – It’s Not Just a Lame Dance You Did in Middle School Anymore .  . .

You can’t see it, IT’S ELECTRIC! Woonky, Wonky, wonky . . .

Meanwhile, halfway across the world, only mere minutes have passed since we last saw Kira, who is still dancing with a pesky livewire outside the hospital.   Please kiddies, do NOT try this at home!

Cue the slew of dying extras, who moronically step out of the cars into puddles of water, and do the Electric Slide all the way to the morgue (which is very conveniently located, seeing as this all happens right outside the hospital).

“Ooh an electric puddle.  I think I’ll step in it!”

“Me too!  Electric puddles are awesome and not at all dangerous!”

Remember those cartoons you used to watch, when you were a kid, where the guy showed his lady love how chivalrous he was, by taking off his coat and putting it in a puddle of water, just so that the woman he secretly wanted to bone wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of having wet feet?

Well, Isaac, bless his heart, takes this whole chivalry thing, even one step further, by getting electrocuted for Allison, just so she didn’t have to suffer the indignity of getting her hair fried and looking like this . . .

“This idea played out a whole lot better in my head.”

So romantic!

Then, Kira does some show-offy backflips over cars . . .

“Situations where the entire town is in danger are the best times for me to practice my gymnastics!”

 . . .verrrrryyy SLOWWWWWW-LY sucks up all the electricity into her fist to the tune of Dramatic Music, and becomes a hospital hero . . .

“I bet if you put your iPhone on my forehead, I can charge it for you!”

(Though I’m sure Dead Extra’s 1, 2, 3 and Isaac are probably wishing she did a few less backflips, and chose a slightly snappier Heroic Theme Song, since her doing so would have prevented them from suffering the indignity of frying like bacon).

“Thanks a lot, Foxy!”

Nonetheless, Scott and Derek are understandably enthralled.  After all seeing Kira perform this feat brings back fond memories for both of them . . .

“That was really hot, and gave me the strange compulsion to suck my thumb and then stick it in an electrical socket.”

Like the time that Scott verrrry SLOWWWLLLY popped a bubble with his mind . . .

. . .  and the time that Derek verrrry SLLOWLLLY allowed two wacked out baby werewolves to beat the shit out of him, so that they wouldn’t beat the sht out of his girlfriend, who ended up being a Skeletor-faced psycho killer, anyway.

Who is on Team Nogitsune?

Many of you Werebangers have speculated that Nogitsu-Stiles is not acting alone.   Granted, his repeated use of the word “We” when making his villainous speeches, could just be an annoying habit . . . like those awful people who always talk about themselves in the third person.

But it could also mean that he’s acting in tandem with someone else . . . a second Trojan Horse . . . one who is still hiding dormant behind enemy lines .  . .

Like for example, the Hot New Deputy, who instantly insisted that the “Mysterious Package” delivered to the Sheriff’s office contained nothing but “harmless batteries and flashlights.”  (How many Fedex Delivery guys do you know, who inform you what’s inside their packages before they give them to you?)

“I thought you were about to comment on how huge my package is.  And I was going to tell you all about how with good diet and exercise, anyone can have a really large package, even you Sheriff.  But, then again, maybe it all comes down to good genes.”  

And what about Allison?  The only member of Scott’s pack, who has yet to be marked by the Oni as her “Self”  . . . the woman getting mysterious messages from Japanese internment camps, who, like Stiles, is being haunted by her darker other half . . . a woman who seemed EXTREMELY INTERESTED in Scott’s pain-sucking abilities when he went to visit Isaac, and who made a point of holding his hand tightly, while the wolf did his Arm Fondle Thing . . .

“Maybe I should touch his butt again.  It made him stronger last time!”

“I really hope she touches my ass again.  That will solve all my problems.”

Just sayin . . .

“Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Possessed by an Evil Spirit Who Wants You Dead.”

At school, Kira suggests that Nogitsu-Stiles may be terrorizing Beacon Hills as part of some Long-Con Revenge Plot, for wrongs perpetrated against him long ago . . .  Riiiight, because we’ve never seen THAT before, on this show?  Have we . . .

In the men’s locker room, a woefully fully dressed Scott and Alpha twins (I thought nudity in the locker room was a requirement on this show.   What gives, Jeff Davis?) are summoned to the school basement by the sound of an emitter held by none other than Stiles Stilinski . . .

“I come in peace.”

But WHICH Stiles Stilinski is it?

Will the real Stiles Shady please stand up?

Stiles assures his pals that he’s the Good Stiles.  And they instantly believe him, for no other reason than that the kid is just so doggone cute with his spiky hair and blue flannel shirt.  And because this particular portion of the pack are not exactly its “A” students, if you catch my drift . . .

“Stiles” shows the crew his alter ego’s “Big Ole Bag’ O Mischief,” and they look at him like he’s the Leprechaun who’s just shown them the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

And while this Stiles may, in fact, be a Leprechaun, of sorts, I don’t think he’s one of the Lucky Charms Variety . . . More like This Guy .  . .

“Mrs. Robinson Martin, are you trying to seduce me?”

In the film, The Graduate, a young Dustin Hoffman gets nookie from two beautiful ginger-headed ladies, who just so happen to be mother and daughter.

Peter Hale is equally slutty.  Just half a season ago, he was posing as his teenage self, and locking lips with Lydia.  Now, he seems to be putting the moves on her mommy.  Or is he?

“This is the most action I got, since Klaus drowned me in the fountain on The Vampire Diaries!”

Upon speaking to her mother, Lydia gets the impression that Peter, with his cryptic talk of “hearing tests,” is using her mother to get to the aurally-attuned banshee, herself . . .

. . . because seducing  a child through the woman that gave birth to her isn’t creepy at all!

Dumb like fox!

It’s Trickster Spirit – 3, Wolf Pack- 0, when, mere hours after electrifying the hospital, Nogitsu-Stiles (1) frames Papa Argent and Derek for Silverfinger’s “Murder” still not sure that guy is actually dead, by planting the money from the “weapon sale” in the Argent’s house; and (2) buries a metal chain in the ground near the school cross country field to distract Coach Crackhead, from the trip wire and poison-tipped arrow lying in wait for the comic relief character, right in the middle of the woods.

“Let me guess, this is another one of those times when you give me a present, I open it, and something falls on my head, right?”

“Not quite, Coach.”

“Sh*t, I knew I should have gone to Clown College instead of becoming a teacher!”

But hey, at least we got a little makeout time between Danny and Ethan, for all our troubles, right?

 

“The nogitsune is probably going to murder us all anyway, so we might as well have a little fun now, while we are still alive!”

 

Speaking of which, Danny, you ignorant slut?  Aren’t you supposed to be back with your ex?  What are you doing making out with your serial killing other ex?

Still playing “defense,” Scott absorbs a bleeding (and very whiny) Coach Crackhead’s pain, while Papa Argent and Derek become unlikely allies / co-defendants in a quest to find out the Real Reason they find themselves in handcuffs, while trapped at a police station.

 

 

 

“Is it at least a middle finger?  Because it would be a heck of a lot funnier if a middle finger framed us for murder?”

“I’m the spark that lit your fire, sweetheart.”

 

Peter shamelessly hits on the still-underage Lydia, while Allison stands by for moral support (with a few weapons up her sleeve, just in case).  Uncle Alpha informs Lydia that his bite is responsible for bringing out her banshee abilities, which he seems to know quite a bit about, for someone who spent most of season 2 decomposing in the dirt, like a very tall, recently stomped-on earthworm . . .

For example, Peter tells Lydia that the real gift of the banshee is not its scream, but its exceptional supernatural   hearing ability.   The scream merely blocks out other sounds to make hearing the dead more possible.

 

“Everybody stop talking,  Can’t you see I’m trying to think?”

Of course, with Peter, there’s always a catch.  And this one involves Lydia communing with the nasty fingernails extracted from Derek’s mom’s dead body, which apparently contain within them a memory Mama Hale extracted from Peter Hale’s scull before she died . . .

Meanwhile back at school . . .

“There’s a Bomb on the Bus”

Apparently, Nogitsu-Stiles planted a gift-wrapped bomb on a school bus and handed it to none-other than Puking Jared from the Motel California episode . . .

(Poor Puking Jared, for a kid with a chronic case of bus sickness, he sure seems to spend more time on a bus then any other character on this show.)

If only Keanu Reeves were here.  He’d know what to do for sure!

Instead, we have that creepy deputy, who decides that moments before Puking Jared’s head is blown off is the perfect time to give him beauty secrets on how to keep youthful dewy skin, well past the ancient age of 24.

 

 

Umm . . . I think he was going to say “modest.”  You look really “modest,” and not self-absorbed at all.

“Hey Pretty Green-Eyed Douchebag!  You keep talking, and Puking Jared won’t have any skin left on his face to protect!”

Keanu Reeves would never make us listen to annoying shit like that, moments before we were supposed to die.  Partly because Keanu Reeves is a cyborg incapable of emoting.

Fortunately, as it turns out, there isn’t actually a bomb on the bus.  It’s nothing but a crafty ruse.  A ruse that Nogitsu-Stiles put into motion to distract the Sheriff’s Department from the location of the Real Bomb . . .

 

“Hey look!  Puking Jared bought you a new name placard for your office.   Wasn’t that nice of him?”

We know this instinctively because this “Trojan Horse” is wrapped in blue ribbon, which Stiles, himself, has explained has no real purpose, apart from just being “pretty.”

Hint: it was planted in a box that was supposedly filled with “harmless batteries,” and brought to a place where Derek Hale and Papa Argent are currently under investigation for a murder they didn’t commit . . .

Telling “Tails”

Where would you hide your deepest darkest secrets?  Talia hid hers in her gross chopped off nails, which for some inexplicable reason revealed to Lydia that the werecoyote from The Secret Circle is actually Peter Hale’s daughter.

 

“Take that, bad manicure!”

Kira’s mom hid hers in a book . . . probably because most of the students at Beacon Hills High are functional illiterates.  Though Kira may not have nine tails yet, her mother does . . . or at least she did, before Nogitsu-Stiles Firefly Fried five of them.

 

Since when do foxtails look like Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

 

“Go Ninja, go ninja, GO!”

No wonder she keeps them locked away in a book.  Having nine Shredders attached to your ass on a daily basis would hurt like a bitch!

Speaking of things that hurt like a bitch, this couldn’t have felt good for Derek or Papa Argent, who were almost exploded by Nogitsu-Stiles, but just barely escaped with their lives . . .

 

(By the way, I found it interesting that Derek was willing to risk his life to save the life of the guy who spent most of Season 1 trying to murder him.  Does anyone else think that Derek’s magical dream talk with Talia involved her predicting his own untimely demise?  Between offering sage advice to Scott, to risking his life for people he doesn’t like very much, Muscles McWolf sure seems like I guy whose just been given a Death Sentence?)

If only the same could be said for This Guy . . .

 

“Is it Friday yet?”

But hey, at least he got to get his arm fondled by Scott, before he Walked into the White Light . . .

There are worse ways to go, honestly . . .

It was a dark and stormy night . . .

In Beacon Hills it rains a bunch . . .  the better to endure intense chase scenes where-in the firefly guys attempt to murder “Stiles” and his friends fight gamely to protect him.

But who are they REALLLLLY PROTECTING?

Inside the vet’s office, Nogitsu-Stiles reveals his true colors.  And they are EVEEEEEEELLLLLL SEXY!  He knocks out Kira, and digs the Oni sword deeper into his bestie’s tummy, as he monolgues about all the pain he manipulated Scott into sucking up that day . . . pain that could give the Nogitsune more power.  (But how did Nogitsu-Stiles know about Scott sucking up Isaac’s pain, when he wasn’t there to witness it?  Or was he . . . at least in spirit?)

Then, this happens, and I’m pretty sure it’s the closest Virginal Stiles has ever come to an honest-to-goodness orgasm caused by something other than his right hand.  (Hey, even psychotic fox possession has its benefits, right?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me, Scott?”

“Virgin,schmirgin, you are so much better at this than Allison ever was!”

Talk about getting off on pain!  That Nogitsu-Stiles is one sadomasochistic b*tch, isn’t he?  That couple from 50 Shades of Grey has nothing on him!

But lest you worry too much about the safety our resident Hot Girl, Scott . . .

. . . help is on the way!  The Fox is subdued, poisoned by the same green leafy weed we saw Deaton leach from the Yakuza’s yard less than 40 minutes prior?

 

“Enjoy some Japanese Ganja, Nogitsu-Stiles!”

“That’s some good sh*t!”

And all is safe and right in Beacon Hills?  But for how long?

Next week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles winds up in the Loony Bin, which is precisely where Lydia predicted he’d be.   He claims being locked up will keep the world safe from his trickster ass.  But what if this mental institution, a possible former sight for a Japanese Internment camp is precisely where Nogitsu-Stiles wants to be?  What if getting committed is nothing more than another Trojan Horse move from our crafty fox?

Until next time, Werebangers!

Unbelievers – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Girl Who Knew Too Much”

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We know the fire awaits unbelievers.  All of the sinners the same.

Girl, you and I will die unbelievers, tied to the tracks of the train.

-Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend

Belief . . . in our causes, in our selves, in our family, friends and lovers.  Believing in something is essential to our survival as human beings.  It gives our lives direction and meaning.  It gives us hope, and the strength to get out of bed each morning, and face another day.

Sure, this week’s episode of Teen Wolf was about revealing the not particularly surprising identity of the Darach, and the even less surprising explanation of Lydia’s gifts.  But it was also about the Scooby Gang struggling to believe . . . in one another’s good intentions and abilities, and in their own capacity to become heroes, and defeat evil.

For a show steeped in fantasy and the supernatural, “The Girl Who Knew Too Much” sure did see a lot of characters being forced to face Reality . . .

Brush up on your Druid chanting, and artistic representation of Oak Trees, Wolfbangers, because it’s time for another recap . .  .

[As always, special thanks to my awesome screencapper Andre, who I know would be kind enough to spare my life, if he ever forced to engage in the ritualistic sacrifice of obscure bloggers . . .]

Death Becomes Her

Can I just put it out there that I believe the TV Trope of Anonymous-Unimportant-Character-is-Introduced- and-Subsequently-Killed-Off-in-the-First-Five-Minutes-of-Your-Teleplay should be banned for all eternity?

Yeah, yeah, I know.  Anonymous Character deaths are a necessary evil when your main story plotline is Serial-Killer-Murders-Three-Vaguely-Related-Characters-Each-Week.  I mean, there’s only so many “Important Characters” you could eviscerate in a single season, without causing fan revolt, right?  (Sorry Boyd!)

And I also recognize that, in this particular case, the “entertainment value” of these scenes has much less to do with the murders themselves, and more to do with figuring out what “theme” will tie them together, so we know which of our main characters is currently in danger of not making it out of the episode alive.

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I just wish the writers would change it up a bit.  You know, instead of having the character get introduced and die in the first scene . . .

Why not start with a lighthearted scene featuring the main characters, to lull the viewers into a false sense of security, and THEN bring on the random violent death . . .

Or maybe you introduce the random character in the first scene, but, in a surprise twist, you let THAT character survive, and kill off the main character nobody was worried about . . .

A third option?  What about making the anonymous character / assumed victim ultimately turn out to be the villain of the episode . . . kind of like the Teen Wolf writers did themselves, when they introduced Kate Argent, back in Season 2?

My own petty grumbles notwithstanding, this week’s “Opening Kill” was actually pretty masterfully done.  For one thing, I found the victim’s stupidity maddeningly engaging.  Girlfriend looks about 100 pounds soaking wet.  And she still decides to wander around an empty school alone, even after she sees an unidentified being dragging a HUMAN body across the floor, with as much ease as if it was a cotton blanket.

It takes a lot to get me to scream at the television, these days.  So, the fact that I am yelping, “GET OUT OF THERE!” and “CALL FOR BACK UP,” and finally “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUU!” throughout the entire cold open is actually pretty impressive.

Then comes that deliciously meta moment where the soon-to-be victim finally encounters the corpse she’s been watching the killer drag across the floor all this time, only to find that . . . wait for it . . . IT’S THE VICTIM HERSELF.  She’s been chasing her own dead body, this ENTIRE TIME!

“At least I died clean . . .”

Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

You know what else has to hurt?  This . . .

“Oh no!  Lord Voldemort is going to kill me.  Where’s Harry Potter when you need him?”

Speaking of meta, I love the self-referential nature of the scene that follows, during which Lydia gripes about how annoying it is to constantly be the one finding the all the dead bodies.  So, Scott graciously “finds” this one for her . . .

(Speaking of Angels of Death, wouldn’t this be a slightly cooler thing for Lydia to be than what she ultimately ended up being?  Angels of Death are awesome!  Banshees just give you a headache.)

Small town cops . . . always sleeping on the job .  . .

This show is quickly becoming the “Where’s Waldo” of Druid Sacrifices . . .

Another nice touch is the later reveal that this particular “Anonymous Murder” isn’t quite so anonymous, in that both Stiles and his dad are personally acquainted with the victim.  As the son of the local Sheriff, who also happens to be a single dad, it makes sense that Stiles would spend a lot of his childhood hanging around the police station, and would, therefore, know most of the cops that worked there.  The fact that Stiles had a relationship with this female cop before she died adds some realism and poignancy to a supernatural series that can sometimes come across as a bit cavalier about its high body count . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Argent Apartment . . .

The Morally Ambiguous Father Figure Club

It’s a surefire sign that something is amiss in your parent / child relationship, if a series of brutal murders occur in your hometown, and your first thought is “Yeah, my dad totally did that.”

Unless, of course, your father is This Guy . . .

The fact that Allison was so quick to assume her father was the Evil Darach, says a lot more about her than it does about him, particularly since, I suspect that few viewers ever genuinely considered him a suspect . .

Then again, maybe all this cloak and dagger suspicion was just an excuse to get Allison rolling around on her bedroom floor with Isaac .  . .

Because if anyone understands what it feels like to be the spawn of a possible sociopath, its the guy whose dad used to lock him in the icebox for sh*ts and giggles, when he breathed too loud at the dinner table . .  .

For about two seconds, Allison seems genuinely annoyed that Isaac climbed through her bedroom window, simply because Scott told him to do so .  . .

(Honestly, sometimes its hard to tell who Isaac has a bigger crush on, Allison or Scott. . . .)

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But then she gets to straddle him on the floor, while he’s sporting what I’m sure is a massive hard-on, and, instantly all is forgiven . . .

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Allison quickly fills in Isaac on the whole “My dad is probably the Darach” thing.  And the two quickly head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they promptly find, etched into his desk, an artistic representation of all the Druid Sacrifices that have occurred in the town this past season . . .

OK, now I know I just said that Papa Argent never seemed like a legitimate suspect to me, but the whole desk art thing threw me for a bit of a loop.  For one thing, etching a Celtic symbol on your desk, with words like “Virgins” and “Guardian” emblazoned across its center, pretty as it might be, seems like a tremendous waste of time for a detective, who could have just as easily gotten the information across, using a piece of notebook paper and a black magic marker.  Secondly, it’s just plain illogical.  Say you catch this Darach, and all the murders are over.  Now, you are stuck having to buy an entirely new desk for when the next inevitable supernatural murderer waltzes into town . . .

Anywhoo, after calling Stiles and warning him that his “Guardian” cop father might be next on the Darach’s hit list, these two crazy kids figure out where the next body will likely be discovered.  So, they head over there, pronto, for what they believe will be a Daddy / Daughter fight to the death . . .

Smells Like Sex and Plot Exposition . . .

Special congratulations go out to the two-weinered monster of Ethan/Aiden this week, for sprouting a second personality to match its second face and sexual preference!

“It’s like looking in a gay mirror . . .”

It all starts when Aiden tells Ethan that just because the Demon Wolf told him to have sex with Danny, doesn’t mean that Ethan should actually enjoy it . . .

But enjoy it Ethan does, soooooooo much!  And better yet, now that the Alpha Pack has decided that nobody else on the show gives two sh*ts about Danny, Ethan can enjoy the sex guilt free!

Personally, I think Aiden’s just jealous, because HIS mandatory sexual conquest, Lydia, stopped f*&king him, after he used Derek’s claws to kill her sort of/ kind of / but not really pal Boyd . . .a total faux-relationship faux pas.

But Lydia’s “friends” force her to start screwing Aiden again, so that they can pump Ethan for more information about Deucalion, which should probably make Lydia feel a bit prostitutety.  But it doesn’t . . .

Hmmm . . . I wonder if werewolves have the capacity to transmit venereal diseases . . .

Crabs . . .

Perhaps, they just transmit fleas like the rest of their species . . .

So, while one personality heads off to Pound Town, the kinder gentler one is punished with the much less glamorous job of Plot Exposition . . .

Apparently, before Ethan/Aiden were the studly two-headed Alpha Wolf that occasionally shared a brain and a pair of pants, they were just a puny pair of Omega Wolves, who suffered regular abuse at the hands of their pack.

That is, until one faithful day when a kindly Demon Wolf taught them to merge bodies, and become a Shrek-looking psycho killer . . .

Question: How did Demon Wolf know they could this?  Is there some sort of a Werewolf Handbook out there that we should know about?

Has Demon Wolf been eating Twins for breakfast, the way most athletes eat Wheaties?

Oh, and did I mention that Alpha Pack wolves have a very bad habit of murdering their trusty pet Druid Emissaries, along with the rest of their pack?

Sucks for you, Chick from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Also, now there’s a pretty good chance this Darach Thing is nothing more than an Undead Disgruntled Former Employee, which, in case you were curious, is kind of like a regular Disgruntled Former Employee . . . only smellier.

We interrupt this Plot Exposition to bring you More Sex .  . .

And we interrupt More Sex to bring you this Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy . . .

Damn, Lydia and Straight!Wolf fogged up those windows FAST!

Oh, I’m sorry, did I say Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy?  I meant MASSIVE ASS-KICKING BY DEREK HALE.

Oh, I’m sorry did I say MASSIVE ASS KICKING BY DEREK HALE?  I meant Not Particularly Impressive Attempt at an Ass Kicking By CORA HALE . . .

Still girlfriend gets points for spunk, along with what is probably a concussion . . .

 Fortunately, Ethan has the magic power of being able to “feel” when his brother is being a douchebag (which is pretty much all the time).  So, he rushes in with the rest of the Scooby Gang to stop his brother from morphing from Pathetic Loser Who Beats Up Teenage Girls into Horrible Human Being Loser Who Kills Them . . .

“B*tch ruined my black wife beater shirt . . . All the coolest wife beaters wear them!”

Speaking of horrible, Cora is kind of the most ungrateful wench ever.  She thanks the Scooby Gang for saving her life by telling them they suck at their job as Crime Fighters.  “All you guys do is find the bodies,” Cora quips.

BRRRRRR!  That’s COLD!

Rudeness aside, Girlfriend’s kind of got a point . .  .  It seems like each season, the series’ Big Bad successfully murders increasingly more Casting Extras, before the Scooby Gang can finally pull their heads out of their asses long enough to stop them . . .

Speaking of people with their heads up their asses . . .

Afternoon Darach elight

We interrupt this Scene of Actual Character Development and Plot Significance to bring you this completely pointless Moment of Derek and English Teacher Making Out in the Middle of a Creepy Dark Tunnel . . .

Remember how I used to say the writers should hurry up and give Derek Hale a love interest, because watching a delicious male specimen like Derek Hale hump another human being would be a MAJOR turn-on, no matter who that human being happened to be?

Be careful what you wish for Wolfbangers . . .

Let’s add “Thinks Only With His Weiner” and “Occasionally Forgets What Show He’s On” to the ever-growing list of character flaws the writers have saddled poor Derek Hale with this season.  Shall we?

We interrupt this makeout for yet another shot of Lydia Martin Screaming . . .

That’s right, Wolfbangers, it looks like some other random extra has been taken.   It appears the Darach’s current target of “Guardians” is not actually “Cops,” as the Scooby Gang once thought, but . . . wait for it . . . teachers.

Apparently, the Episode’s First Victim was a Teacher, Before she was a cop, which is convenient news for the storyline, but really sucky news for her . . .

As promised, Isaac and Allison track the new body to yet another abandoned warehouse.  (Sidenote: Beacon Hills apparently contains even more Abandoned Warehouses than it does werewolves and random assorted supernatural creatures.  They should put THAT in the brochure . . .)

There, they encounter the body  . . .

the Darach .  . .

. . . and Allison’s dad, who, SURPRISE, isn’t a Serial Killer After All!  Huzzah!

Truth be told, Allison’s Pops looks mighty sexy, as he came out of the shadows guns blazing to attach the evil Darach . . .

DILF . . .

And yet, considering the guy is supposedly this FABULOUSLY Talented Hunter, you’d think he’d be better at conserving bullets . . . or at least, actually hitting the target at which he was shooting . . .

Darach: 1, Papa Argent: 0

It looks like everybody’s favorite Druid is going to have to Die Another Day . . .

Speaking of dying . . .

Dying to Be Heard

At least as far as TV Parents go, Papa Stilinski is typically beyond reproach, working hard every day to support his son financially and emotionally, while keeping him (mostly) safe from the evils that seem to lurk around Beacon Hill’s every corner.  The writers even allow him to solve a crime every once in a while!

This week, however, Papa S has a bit of a setback, character wise, when Stiles, after weeks of procrastination and hand-wringing, finally decides to come clean to him about the fact that the two of them are actually characters on a supernatural teen television series, despite the sheriff’s belief that he is the star of CSI: Beacon Hills.

No amount of carefully-crafted chess metaphors are going to make an average blue-collar guy like Sheriff Stilinski take this information well . . .

“You see, Allison’s the Queen.  Scott’s the King.  Danny used to be the pawn.  But now, I guess Lydia’s the pawn.  Isaac’s the Rook.  And I’m the Knight that actually gets sh*t done . . .”

Disbelief is one thing, but Papa S’s anger at Stiles for revealing this information makes the scene particularly hard to watch.

But wait . . . there’s hope!  Stiles has an ACTUAL WEREWOLF, on hand!  Show him your funky wolf face, Cora Hale!  Make the man a believer . . .

 . . . or just fall on the floor, and take a nap . . . whichever you prefer . . .

After taking Cora to the ER, Stiles tries again to get through to his father, who is now thoroughly fed up with his son’s “overactive imagination.”  But Stiles has one final hand to play, and it’s a doozy.

Stiles’ mother’s untimely demise has always been an emotional lynchpin of this series.  The revelation of Stiles’ panic attacks, his belief that he somehow played a role in his mother’s death, his father’s struggles with alcoholism, all of these little peeks into the collective Stilinski family psyche have made these characters so much more complex and interesting than they otherwise would have been.  So as much as I love nerdy, jokey Stiles, Dylan O’Brien’s seamless ability to convey the character’s darker, more vulnerable side, never fails to impress me.  And we got a nice glimpse of that in this episode . . .

That said, Papa Stilinski and I are kind of in a fight right now . . .

No one makes my Stiles cry, without incurring my WRATH . .  .

Speaking of people who refuse to be silenced, Mama McCall helpfully recounts to Papa Stilinski the tale of a  female patient  mauled by animals a few weeks back, who somehow managed to get an entire flock of birds to mourn her death, by committing suicide against her hospital window?

Sound familiar?

There aren’t any birds at Cora Hale’s bedside though, only one very guilty-feeling big  brother . . .

Meanwhile, back at Beacon Hills High . . .

Concert of Horrors

You know your town suffers from way too many, untimely, unexplainable by traditional science, deaths, when you start foregoing the tradition funeral / memorial service, and start paying homage to your dearly departed by just throwing them a high school band concert, every once in a while.  You know, because nothing says “I’m sorry you were hung from your wrists and gutted like a fish,” like a bunch of sweaty 16 year olds playing a bad rendition of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” in a smelly gym . . .

Our entire Scooby Gang converges on the school that night to watch a lame concert, and protect their beloved teachers from being the Darach’s next victim.  Danny is one of the players. So lovestruck Ethan wishes him luck by giving him a breathmint, before he goes on stage . . . a gift which not only implies that the poor kid has bad breath, but also is REALLY dangerous to be sucking while you are PLAYING A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.  Hasn’t this kid already choked enough on foreign substances to last a life time?

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Though really dumb about the art of playing musical instruments, Ethan is smart enough about supernatural killers to know that something SUPER BAD is going to go down at his concert.  So, he tells Danny to find him, the minute things start to go wrong . . .  unless of course he’s under the control of the Darach at the time, and chanting in Druid . . . in which case Ethan will just see him later, Mmm-kay?

Meanwhile, in the audience, Lydia has a surprisingly sweet moment with Scott, during which she promises to find the dead body BEFORE it dies this time around.  Scott promises her that, if she does that, he will put an end to the Darach.  They hold hands and silently remind the audience that they once sucked face, back in Season 1 . . .

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Then, Lydia gets a text to meet Aiden, in private for a matter of “Life and Death,” which in Aiden-speak is code for “Blue Balls.”

Lydia goes to meet him, around the same time Aiden complains that he lost his phone.  Ruh-ROH!

Upon hearing that telltale chanting once again, Lydia finds herself face-to-face with the ever elusive Darach, who is . . .

Because Every Woman Who F*&ks Derek Hale Turns Out to be Dead or Evil (sometimes both)

DEREK’S F*&K BUDDY MAGIC COOCHIE THE ENGLISH TEACHER!  SURPRISE!  Not surprised

This reveal reminds me of the time, back early in the season, when a disgruntled Sterek fan wrote publicly to Jeff Davis, about how much she hated the Dennifer pairing, a ship that seemed to come literally out of nowhere, caused Derek to behave in a manner that was entirely out of character, and had about as much substance as one of those bad romance novels my grandma used to buy for $2.50 at the local Shop Rite . . .

Jeff Davis cautiously replied that he hoped the fan didn’t give up on the show, because there was more to Dennifer than met the eye . . .

Clearly, this is what he meant.  And while the Jennifer-as-Darach plot conceit mostly exonerates Davis for what appeared to be the poorest written romance in Teen Wolf history . . . (It was SUPPOSED to be SHALLOW, GUYS!  She’s EVIL!  It’s like writing Lord Voldemort as a romantic lead in Harry Potter . . .  Dude just doesn’t do hearts and flowers.)

Be my Valentine?

 . . . it does present to viewers another, much larger problem, one which I like to call the “Dumbification of Derek Hale.”

The two or three of you that have actually been reading these recaps of mine since Season 1 know that Derek was MY GUY . . .

(I didn’t jump onto the Stiles Bandwagon with you smarter, less shallow, viewers until somewhere around late season 1 .  . .)

He was the “Bad Boy” . . . the “Brooding, Morally Ambiguous Anti-Hero” with the dark past, who was battling his own personal demons . . . and (as all TV Bad Boys do) just really needed the good love of a nerdy TV Recapper to solve all his problems . . .

But as the series progressed, I learned, much to my chagrin, that Derek is not an anti-hero because he’s morally ambiguous . . .  he’s an anti-hero, because he fails miserably at heroism . . .

Let’s face it, in the past two seasons, the writers have made Derek terrible at solving crimes, lousy at battling big bads, unskilled at choosing pack members, uninspiring as an Alpha, inexperienced as a leader, not so hot at being a big brother, and an absolutely HIDEOUS judge of character, when it comes to the women with whom he chooses to share his Little Dog . . .

Having Derek, a guy who supposedly has SERIOUS trust issues, fall so quickly for an evil vixen like Jennifer, who most of the fans pegged as being bad news, since the day she creepily texted all her students a quote from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, does terrible, horrible, no good very bad things for a character, who was already in serious need of image rehabilitation.

And I’m just not sure the writers are going to be able to put the proverbial Humpty Dumpty back together, this time around . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Lydia’s a Banshee . . .

Jennifer tells her so, in one of those frustrating scenes where the Big Bad has it’s nemesis by the claws, and then proceeds to talk for 12 minutes, rather than just . . . oh . . . I don’t know, killing her, like she promised to do in the first place.

“I know I was supposed to be doing something right no.  And I just can’t seem to remember what it is . . .”

(Here’s a fanfiction idea for you guys.  I think Stiles should have been the one to tell Lydia of her true nature.  I just think the reveal would have been a lot more poignant coming from him, given all the two have been through together, with respect to Lydia’s “gift.”  Start writing now! ;))

Meanwhile, back at the concert, the entire high school band becomes possessed and starts that creepy chanting, as one of the teachers, a piano teacher, quickly falls dead of Mistletoe poisoning .  . .

But hey, at least Danny’s breath is super fresh!

Poor Stiles’ Dad.  He should have baby stepped into the world of Supernatural Knowledge, when Stiles gave him the chance.  Instead, in a matter of about two minutes, he (1) watches a Concert of Evil; (2) hears Lydia Banshee Scream; (3) sees Scott Wolf Out; (4) Gets kissed by a hot teacher, who turns into Lord Voldemort mid tongue lashing;

(5) gets staked in the stomach with a flying knife thingy; and (6) probably gets kidnapped as the Darach’s next Guardian Sacrifice, while his son watches in horror from behind a locked door, in the episode’s chilling final cliffhanger moments . . .

“Is it Friday yet?”

Methinks someone is going to be needing A LOT of therapy, after this all is over . . .

But hey, at least now, he knows his son is not a liar . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf , Peter Hale finally comes out of retirement!  Stiles and Lydia MAKE OUT . . . and I’m sure some other stuff happens with that pesky Darach . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

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Nature versus Nurture – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Visionary”

“I kind of always assumed it was genetic,” shrugs Stiles, when asked by Peter if he knows why some werewolves have golden eyes, and others have blue.

This week on Teen Wolf, we learn that, unlike human eye color, the hue of a werewolves’ peepers is borne out of life experience.

In fact, much of “Visionary” deals with the theme of “Nature versus Nurture.”

In addition to offering up some pretty meaty back stories for Beacon Hills’ most notorious heroes and villains, this uber ambitious Teen Wolf installment also aimed tackle some of the series’ longest running mysteries, like:

Was Derek Hale always such a sour wolf?

Does he know how to play any other musical instruments, apart from his washboard abs?

Was Peter Hale always such a creepy stalker type (or is this a new “post death” habit he’s developed)?

Was Dead!Ennis ever capable of human speech beyond just grunting?

“Grrrrrrrrr .  . .”

Is Deucalion faking his blindness, or what?

Does telling the fable about the scorpion and the frog three times in one hour make the story less annoying?

And yet, as informative as this season of Teen Wolf has been, I fear there are some questions about this show to which we might never learn the answers.  For example:

What the f*&k is up with the Teen Wolf timeline?

Are Derek and Peter Hale secretly older than the Salvatore Brothers on TVD?

If werewolves age more slowly than normal humans, how come they are the only characters in flashbacks that consistently get older, while the human adults always look the same?

Frustrating, isn’t it?

Anyway .  . . onward, to the RECAP!

[As always, special thanks to our resident recapping genius, Andre, who I know would totally be kind enough to squeeze my hand and take all my pain away, if I ever started drooling black goo .  . .]

About a Girl

For a good looking guy, Derek Hale sure has SH*TTY luck with the ladies . . .

Up until this point, we’ve all assumed that it was saucy sociopath Kate Argent, who converted Derek into the cliched Lone Wolf, by seducing him, and then summarily proceeding to BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE, AND KILL EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED . . .

As it turns out, Derek’s experience with Kate only further cemented his belief that love sucks, and almost always ends in horrific untimely death . . .

Meet Paige.  She plays the oboe(?), and wears Mom Jeans.

She’s also about to ruin Derek for women for all eternity . . .

(Well .  . . at least women, who don’t have magic coochies .  . .)

When Paige who almost looks too much like Miss Magic Coochie for it to be a mere coincidence accuses young Derek of interrupting her “Band Practice” . . .

. . . he proceeds to shove his balls in her face . . .

. . . well . . . more like one ball, actually.

Derek Hale – DE-NIED!

Round Two of the Mating Game:  Paige offers to tell Derek her name, if he can play her a musical instrument.  Derek’s choice?

(Personally, I think the drums would have been a more manly selection.  But the triangle wins on snark value, as it is pretty much the most useless musical instrument ever invented . . . No offense to all you Concert Trianglists out there . . .)

Thank you for playing the Mating Game, Derek and Paige!  You may now proceed to grope and fondle one another in dark, creepy abandoned places, where teens like you tend to get killed in horror movies . . .

“Come grope me in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house.  It’s totally safe!”

Speaking of killers, this episode marks the return of Young!Peter, a character wh0 heretofore only existed in Lydia’s wacky hallucinations . . .

What’s interesting about this portion of the episode is that Derek’s flashback is told entirely from the point-of-view of Peter, even though Peter seems to have NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THIS STORY.

“I’m just cool like that.”

So, basically, we get to watch a bunch of scenes with Derek and Paige, during which Peter is inexplicably lurking in the background, doing absolutely nothing of importance . . .