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Hello Darkness, My Old Friend – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Silverfinger”

whose behind the mask

 

whose behind the mask 2

 

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Konnichiwa, Werebangers!  This past week, on a heavily Eastern Mythology-inspired episode of Teen Wolf, Scott and Kira read a children’s book together . . .

reading

 

“I’m not a great reader.  But I’m very good at looking at pictures.”

Isaac dressed up like one of the bad guys from The Matrix . . .

gotta wear shades

 

agent smith

 

Lydia . .  . did nothing, because she wasn’t in the episode.

not an orgy - Copy

And in earth-shattering, climactic news, Stiles . . .

stiles key

. . . killed a firefly.

raaaid

 

Perhaps, more than any episode in the 3B block, “Silverfinger” was, at its heart, an origin story.  Nothing fleshes out a hero more than a Great Origin Story.  It shows us what drives and motivates this character . . . how he came to be the living, breathing entity you are watching on screen.

alpha now

But what about the Villain?  Too often writers don’t care enough about their villains to give them a satisfactory Origin Story.  Rather, their motivations for wreaking havoc are hastily explained in the moments before their demise at the hands of the hero.

kind of dead

Writers neglect their villains at their peril.  Because the viewing public loves a solid villain, one with specific dreams, goals and disappointments, beyond the usual “Plans for World Domination.”  Cool villains like the The Joker, Loki,  and Magneto make their protagonist counterparts more interesting, and their inevitable final encounters more epic.  In short,  it’s  the ultimate love / hate relationship . . . a twisted romance of sorts.

312 homerangeldevil

Now, I’m not saying that the Oni and Nogitsune we met this week, are particularly well fleshed out yet.  I mean, we aren’t even sure what the latter looks like.  And though there are five of the former, we still can’t tell them apart . . .kind of like those pesky not-so-Alpha twins.  Yet both of these baddies,  actually have fairly solid motivations for doing what they do.

look into my firefly eyes

 

“It’s complicated.”

The Oni are kind of like cops.  As far as they are concerned, the Nogitsune is seriously bad dude, a dark spirit that infects society with evil.  Is it so wrong them, for these guys to hunt it down and try to destroy it?  I mean, they are even learning from past mistakes and trying to minimize harm.  Back in the day, they used to just kill everybody, in hopes that one of them would be the Nogitsune.

bloody knife

 

“In hindsight, we might have overreacted just a bit.”

But now they test people first.  If they aren’t evil, they get a nice little neck tattoo and can go on their merry way.  That’s a pretty humane practice for a bunch of so-called super villains?  Don’t you think?

nodding oh yeah

As for the Nogitsune, we’re told he’s this awful guy.  But so far, all he’s been doing is hiding from the Oni and trying his best to stay alive.  Wouldn’t each of us do the same thing, if some pesky fire fly guys were trying to kill us?

derek body

See . . . it’s all a matter of perspective, folks.  Let’s keep that in mind as we review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my Evil Genius Screencapper Andre,who is deftly plotting his path toward World Domination, one screenshot of shirtless men at a time . . .]

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends . . .

When Papa Argent first encountered the Oni (i.e. the new word we learned this week for the Firefly Guys), he wasn’t the badass Mr. Mom he is today.  Rather, he was a strapping young arms dealer, just trying to please his old man, by striking a deal with the Japanese Mafia.

attractive

 

“I’m way too attractive not to get my own prequel . . .”

Enter the Oni, whose idea of successfully closing a deal is killing everyone on the other side of it.

what the heck is that

 

say-hello-to-my-little-friend-al-pacino-scarface-poster

 

eyes doing thing

 

“Say hello to your intestines leaking out of your body.”

What a waste of some seriously swanky suits!

And then there was one left . . . and, as luck would have it, he was the one the Oni were searching for all along.

nogitsune

 

“I feel pretty.  Oh so pretty.  I feel pretty and witty and bright.  And I pity any yakuza who isn’t me tonight!”

feed me

This one supposedly had a dark spirit inside of him, and some awesome magical powers. But the only thing “impressive” I saw about him was impossibly large teeth and some bad cataracts.  He growled and made a lot of noise, but ultimately Nogitsune 1 died without putting up much of a fight.

king of the world

 

not really sir

 

“When are people going to learn that throwing your arms out and embracing the world pretty much guarantees you aren’t going to make it out of the end credits alive.”

Or did he?  Because I have this sneaking suspicion that a very important part of this story is missing.  And the Ole Horse Teeth was nothing more than a pawn in the Real Nogitsune’s game . . .

let you save my life stiles

But, of course, we can forgive Papa Argent for being a bit hazy on the details.  After all, he was young (and hot) and spent most of the experience peeing himself behind a rock . . .

Then Young Papa Argent shot an Oni in the mask, and learned he had no face, which pretty much makes the Oni the Japanese Cousins of the soul-sucking Dementors from Harry Potter . . .

dementor

This little distraction allowed Little Papa Argent to escape  .  . .

Not satisfied with Papa Argent’s explanation of the leather suit-wearing freaks currently trying to murder them all, the Scooby Gang decide to gather additional intel from some old bald Japanese Yoda-like guy, who conveniently also survived the great Yakuza Massacre of 1980 something . . .

The problem, of course, is the last time Papa Argent attempted to find Beacon Hills Yoda, he kind of / sort of got his ass kicked . . .

ep 8 papa a

So, being a Good Dad, Papa Argent does what any self-respecting father would do . . . he sends the guy who wants to bone his daughter directly into harms way, to do his dirty work for him!

dumb idea do it

It’s actually a pretty crafty idea, if you think about it. I mean, either way, the Elder Argent eliminates a threat . . . though the latter threat is only to his daughter’s panties . . .

another werewolf

Beauty and the Beast

Awww how sweet!  After a night of battling Oni, Kira rode home on the back of Scott’s motorcycle, he showed her his goofy-looking wolf face, and she fondled it, and thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world, thus proving that this girl REAAAALLLY needs to get out more . . .

touch face

 

hes dreamy

In other romance news, Ethan and Aiden stalk Scott on their matching motorcycles and tell him that they will stay loyally glued to his side forever and ever, or until he gets eaten and brutally murdered by Oni, whichever comes first.  I smell a werewolf threesome!

be your friend

 

why are you obsessed with me

 

 

I guess there are some folks who were born to always be minions to “The Hottest Girl.”

hot girl

Now, while I’m not entirely sold on the twins as individual characters,  I’m actually not minding the idea of them as part of Scott’s pack.  After all, up to this point, Scott’s Scooby Gang basically consisted of Allison (weaponry), Lydia (annoying screaming / death detection), Stiles (brains), and Isaac (?).   Every good pack needs a little muscle power . . . no matter how empty the heads that come attached to those muscle bags might be.  And Ethan and Aiden, they give good muscle (and good bone), if nothing else .  . .

more shirtless male review

Speaking of Stiles’ brains, they are beginning to look a bit less like hard boiled eggs, and a bit more like scrambled ones,  with each passing week . . .

This is your brain on Nogitsune . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Scott wants to warn Stiles about the Oni.  But Stiles is too freaked out that someone had the nerve to erase his chalkboard encoded murder message to Barrow about Kira.  That same someone has stolen his key to the chemistry closet.  Hey Stiles, ever heard the phrase, “Take a picture.  It lasts longer . . .”?

evil stiles

Maybe, next time, Kira will let you borrow her camera phone . . .

For his part, Scott is fairly confident that his best friend is not a love-interest murdering sociopath.  But, in all fairness, Scott and Stiles haven’t been spending all that much time together of late.  As for Scott, he’s been kind of busy swatting fireflies and eating mouthfuls of wasabi with his new girlfriend, the fox.  Meanwhile, Stiles has been making out with random bisexuals, going on investigation missions with his gal Friday Lydia, and, most recently enduring the horrors of a life that has become a perpetual waking nightmare.

stiles and dad

Scott and Stiles have been so out of sync lately, that Scott has barely had time to tell Stiles all about his most recent Oni encounters.  This is a shame, because we all know that demon-possessed or not, Stiles would have been all up in that amazing opportunity for Nerd Research  . . .

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

Though not necessarily wise enough to retain evidence of his own serial killing tendencies, Stiles is smart enough to seek the help of a medical professional when he’s about to go full-on nutso.  He visits Mama McCall because she is clearly the only professional left alive in Beacon Hills hospital.  Being a mom first, and a nurse second, Mama McCall is loath to get Stiles any more riled up than he already is about the potential severity of his condition, before she knows what exactly is wrong with him.  And so, she diagnoses Stiles with “being sleepy, very sleepy,” shoots him up with some hospital-grade Ambien and shuffles the young lad off into Dream Land . . .

diagnosing you

 

the good stuff

. . . which is precisely the place where all Stiles’ troubles began in the first place.

“Thanks, Mom,” indeed . . .

In the “After Show,” Holland Rhoden suggested that Stiles half-asleep referral to Scott’s mother as “Mom,” is a foreshadowing of sorts . . .

thanks mommy

I’m going to take her word for it.  But, foreshadowing (and Mama McCall’s questionable medical tactics) aside, I actually think it was a very sweet, quiet, authentic moment between these two characters.  After all, why wouldn’t Stiles, whose spent at least the past few years of his young life without a mother, experience feelings of warmth and parental gratitude toward a woman he has known since he was a very small child and trusts very much, who has tucked him into bed, and is lovingly caressing his forehead as he drifts off into some much-desired sleep?

stiles sad 2

As for Stiles’ biological mom, it appears, based on some quick research on the part of Mama McCall that she experienced the same symptoms as Stiles shortly before her own death, which actually dovetails quite well with my trusty ole Brain Tumor Theory.

not a tumor

However, based on the last few moments of the episode, something a bit more supernaturally sinister may, in fact, be afoot here . . .

stiles symptoms

 

claudia symptoms

 

claudias file

 

claudia stilinski

Why it’s bad to take selfies on your dad’s computer . . .

Agent McCall / Daddy Douche, tech savvy scamp that he is, apparently installed some security function on his computer that takes pictures of people other than him that try to use it.  And while I’d say, just password protecting the darn thing would be a heck of a lot more efficient  /effective.  Doing it this way, does make it that much harder for the intruder in question to deny his guilt.  Not to mention the fact that secret selfies are just hilarious.  Because who doesn’t look super goofy, while they are staring into a computer screen?

security alert

 

hahah

 

teen wolf behind you

Anywhoo, Daddy Douche wants answers. So off he tromps to his son’s house to get them.

Meanwhile DARKNESS IS COMING . . .

BabyScared

Isaac Plays Dress-up

Sure Daddy Argent, dress your daughter’s boyfriend up in a penguin suit and send him into a scary warehouse filled with roid-raging bouncer types with really bad manicures under the pretense of selling some old gun.  Sounds like a great idea!

isaac in suit

 

surrounded by idiots

Because Isaac is not a total moron, he’s a bit conflicted about the whole “entering the jaws of death” thing.  So, Allison puts her tongue down his throat and makes him grab her ass, and suddenly everything is totally cool!  (Everyone claims Allison is totally human.  But I’m not so sure.  Clearly she has a Magical Vajayjay.)

making out

 

grab my ass

 

Source

vagina voe

As Isaac yammers on about stuff he knows nothing about, the Argents easily work their way through the lamest excuse for security ever.  Then Mr. Clean tells Isaac the true story about the weapon he’s “selling,” turns out it was used by one Argent to shoot another one, before he could turn into a werewolf, back in the day.

mr clean

 

isaac is busted

Pretenses tossed away, Isaac and Mr. Clean both show their fangs to one another, while, upstairs, Papa Argent reunites with Silverfinger for the first time in 24 years . . .

the silver finger

 

Silver Finger . . .

 

finger missing

 

Missing a Finger . . .

Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid is more than happy to explain to the Teen Wolf audience the mystery of the Firefly Guys.  They are Oni, demon warriors traveling through the darkness in search of one being possessed by a dark spirit, the Nogitsune, a form of kitsune.  They sift through individuals with supernatural auras, marking them with an S, once they have determined they are still themselves.  And once they find their target, they will kill everyone in their way to reach him or her.

demons

Mr. Miyagi politely thanks Papa Argent for saving his life all those years ago.  Then, he warns the werewolf hunter that if he finds the Nogitsune he should kill it, “even if it is his own daughter . . . or that goofy kid that hangs out with her daughter’s wolfy boyfriends . . .”

Meanwhile, Scott and co. are back at his house, learning about the Oni the hard way . . .

It’s an Oni Slumber Party!

Scott, that horndog, somehow convinces Kira that the place she will be safest for the night is right in his bed . . .

trust scott

So, Kira does what any girl would do when she finds herself in a sexual situation with the boy she likes.  She . . . pulls out a children’s picture book about kitsune and reads to him.

the book

 

cute kitsune

 

too cute to be goo

Dear Sweet Kira.  Didn’t you get the memo?  You’re on MTV, home of sexed up series like The Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and about six shows starring Snooki . . .

4 2 snooki jazzwiththebooty

Sesame Street is two studios down . . .

cookie-monster3-7769871237963363

Scott’s and Kira’s playdate soon gets rudely interrupted by Agent McCall, who is piping mad about Scott and Kira getting their grubby pawprints all over his MacBook Air.  Then, Scott’s mom comes home.  And this place is starting to get more crowded by the second.

daddy o

Honestly, for me, the funniest part of the episode, was when the CLEARLY DEMONIC AND SUPERNATURAL Oni materializes in the kitchen, and Scott’s dad’s response is not “AHHHHHHHH!!!”

ahhh

Or, “HOLY F*&K!  WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?”

scared peter - Copy

As most normal people would react.  Rather, he’s all, “Who is this tall, poorly dressed gentleman?  He is clearly not on the lists of people I approved for you and your mother to hang out with, before I abandoned you both years ago?”

Doofy Papa McCall then walks toward the Oni like he’s actually going to ARREST HIM  .  . .

draco malfoy facepalm

So, of course he gets a sword in his belly for his trouble . . .

need to speak to scot

 

know why

With Papa McCall out of commission and Mama McCall tending to his wounds, this were-house party can really get started.  Enter Twins . . .

what are you

 

what are you 2

And Derek . . .

derek fighting

And MORE ONIS . . .

It’s like the blacklight party all over again, minus all the body paint and bad choices!

talk scott 1

talk scott 2

Mama McCall gains her hero wings by temporarily ejecting the Oni from her home using . . . you guessed it . . . Everybody’s Favorite Magical  Plot Device . . .

mountain ash throwing

mountain ash

 

mountain ash touch

Buuuuuut then they get in anyway . . .

hi again

 

 

verbal keyboard smash

Allison conveniently calls Scott just in time to tell him that, provided he and his girlfriend are not totally evil, the Oni are just there to give them both nice neck tattoos.  So, chill out!

ep 9 obviously stiles

And so, hands clasped, Scott and Kira meet the Oni head on and prepare to receive their brands . . .

carebear stare

 

carebear stareee

 

. . .  which they do.  So, the Onis disappear . . . in search of their real target.

nap time

 

that was fun

 

“Zzzzzzzzzzzz…..”

That was easy.

easy button

Eat Stiles’ Dust, Firefly Guy!

In the hospital, Stiles awakens to find everybody gone.   He wanders sleepily into a lonely dark corridor, just as the McCall family wheel in douchey daddy on a gurney.

down allway

Then the Oni come to give Stiles his tattoo . . .

walking back

But we all know how Stiles feels about tattoos . . .

teen wolf stiles - Copy

So, when the Oni moves to give him one he RIPS OUT THE ONI’S FIREFLY SOUL WITH HIS BARE HANDS, INSTANTLY KILLING THEM ALL .  . .

no thank you

 

takes heart

 

firefly

 

in they go

 

Source

It’s a miracle!  Stiles is a hero!  Yay Stiles!

clap for bonus clap

Oh .  . . wait . . . that means he’s evil.  Oops!

soap dish smash

Then, Scott comes in and Stiles acts like he’d didn’t just do something totally awesome and bad ass, which is not like Stiles at all.

all is cool

Because everyone knows if the REAL Stiles defeated a villain, he’d be acting like this . . .

more dancing stilesAnd this . . .

ep 8 stiles excited jeff bernbie

And this . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

Not like this . . .

mischeivous stiles

grinch smile

Consider myself officially freaked out by you, Stiles Stilinski .  . .

(You know that Grinch Gif is actually really frightening if you look at it for too long . . . )

Next week on Teen Wolf. . . AHHHHHH STILES NOOOOOOO!

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  Until next time, Werebangers!

winky stiles

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Unmasked – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Illuminated”

the mask

Happy Faux-Halloween Werebangers!  As much as this week’s installment of Teen Wolf was all about black-light parties, mostly naked people with paint on their toned torsos, and oddly-attired warriors, who may or may not have descended from fireflies, with the capacity to tattoo people with their fingernails and produce long swords from their stomachs . . .

sword maker

2 18 hencer holding a knife pll

. . . it was also about masks . . .

time to die

smokin

.  . . but not just the masks we wear on Halloween with the little eye holes cut out of them so we don’t bump into walls while we are trick-or-treating .  . .

got a rock

. . . but the more subtle masks we wear every other day of the year.  These are the masks that allow us to hide parts of our true selves from the rest of the world . . . parts of ourselves that we don’t like, or don’t think others would accept . . . parts of us that make us seem less . . . normal . . .

stiles like i have the right 2 one

stiles like i have the right 2 2

become

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Of all the characters on Teen Wolf, Stiles — goofy and virginal, though he might be  – always seemed to be the one most comfortable in his teenage skin.  It’s one of the things I always admired most about his character  . . . how unabashedly unafraid he was of being himself, even if being himself got him pushed around or excluded, or kept him from getting the girl . .  .

stiles with wolf hat

In “Illuminated,” however, we learn that Stiles too is wearing some masks.  And these masks are more dangerous than the ones donned by his friends.  Why?  Because he doesn’t even realize he’s wearing them . . .

wake uppppp stiles

So turn out the lights, break out the glow-in-the-dark body glitter, and beware of creepy neck-tattoo giving ninjas, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .

more dancing stiles

[As always special thanks to my supernaturally gifted screencapper Andre, who I would totally invite to my blacklight party if I had one, because I know I could trust him not to tattoo me against my will in a wine cellar . . .]

SMUSH!

jack o

It’s a bad day to be a jack-o-lantern in Beacon Hills, with mean derelict kids around every corner, just waiting to put their foot in your skull, and turn your brain into the mushy stuff on the inside of a pumpkin pie . . .

smush

“What did I do to deserve this?

But worry not jack-o-lanterns!  The Neighborhood Watch has come to the rescue!

matrix

why

“Dressing up like the guys from The Matrix for Halloween is SO last decade!”

Boy, the Neighborhood Watch has changed a lot since I was a kid.  It used to be a bunch of soccer moms in bathrobes.  But these guys are stylin!  I mean, check out those leather dresses.  I would not want to be Jack-o-Lantern Killer in Beacon Hills.  That’s for sure!

leather jackets scottnerdedstiles 1

Speaking of the Neighborhood Watch, Jack-o-Lantern Murder isn’t the only bad act that seems to royally piss them off.  They also seem to REALLY HATE THE POSSIBILITY OF PREMARITAL SEX.

off shirt 2

Sorry Isaac.   But the Neighborhood Watch is apparently very against the idea of your impregnating Allison with your were-cub sperm . . .

time to die

Population control . . .

When Allison and her dad find Isaac, he’s super traumatized and definitely still feeling the effects of his run-in with the black skirted ninjas, who he described as having Firefly Eyes . . .

what happened

“Between this and my dad locking me in the freezer before getting killed by my classmate the were-lizard, I’m going to probably need to be in therapy until I die.”

Hmmm . . . now where have we seen fireflies before on this show?

firefly people

Something about the way Allison’s dad was behaving during Isaac’s “debriefing,” seemed to suggest this wasn’t his first time at the Firefly Eye Guys rodeo.  Maybe it was the way he instinctively knew that beating the sh*t out of Isaac to force him to wolf out would break the spell the Firefly Eye Guys had him under . . .

punch throat

(Then again, perhaps he was just using that as an excuse to beat the sh*t out of the current winner of the Teen Werewolf Most Likely to Bone his Daughter this Season award . . . sorry Scott.)

another werewolf

Or maybe it was the way he warned Allison and Issac to keep their mouths shut about the Firefly Eye Guys for the next 24 hours while he “figured things out.”

shifty dad

cant trust anybody color

Oooooorrrrr maybe it was the BIG OLE BROKEN FIREFLY EYE GUY MASK HE HAD HIDDEN AWAY IN HIS DRAWER, RIGHT NEXT TO HIS SECRET STASH OF HASHISH AND PORN MAGS . . .

so pretty

ep 9 obviously stiles

And if we think the Firefly Eye guys react poorly to kids smashing up jack-o-lantern faces, imagine how pissed off they get about people who smash up THEIR FACES!

kidnapped dad

Cue the theme song, which was a bit more “club dancey” than usual, wasn’t it?  I was only kidding about it last week, but this week’s version of the theme song REALLY did remind me of this . . .

This Girl is on Fire

Once upon a time, there was a popular young adult fiction character who wore a pyrotechnically enhanced outfit designed by Lenny Kravitz, and everyone called her The Girl on Fire . . .

girl on fire

But That Girl apparently, has nothing on our Kira, whose face literally appears to burst into flame, every time someone snaps her picture.  Now, most cameras these days have a Red Eye Reduction function that is probably very helpful for folks like Scott .  . .

red eyes

However, until iPhone invents a Face Flame Reduction Feature, Kira is kind of crap out of luck . . .

on fire

But hey, at least she didn’t end up chargrilled by Mr. “Their Eyes Were Glowing” Barrow!  Something that Scott’s dad honestly seems pissed off about, because dead kids have always been super good for his career.  Have I mentioned yet this recap that Scott’s dad is a douche?

le douche

Well, consider it mentioned!  Anywhoo, the Scooby Gang, plus Kira, find themselves in super hot water with Douchey Daddy for accidentally blacking out the entire town in their attempt to evade being murdered by a child-killing psychopath.  The nerve of these kids and their pesky survival instincts!

darn kids

Meddling Kids!

Douchey Daddy gets incredibly frustrated when he can’t get a straight answer about what happened from our characters . . . something Papa Stilinski finds positively hilarious, because, for once, he’s not the adult being made to look like a moron by a bunch of teenagers less than half his age.

winky stiles

“How come you and Lydia always seem to solve every mystery on this show, when no one else can?”  Scott’s dad asks, echoing the question in the minds of Teen Wolf fans everywhere.

“Because my dad’s in law enforcement,” Stiles replies with a wink.

power station 1

dad in law en

Adorable . . . but also not true.  I mean, Scott’s dad is in law enforcement too, and it hasn’t helped him a lick, when it comes to logical reasoning .  . .

no idea what im doing

I mean, Scott’s a sweet guy and all, but, let’s face it, he’s kind of dumber than wolf poo  . . .

teen wolf 12 cry scott

Of course, by the end of this episode, we have another, more logical, explanation as to why Stiles has seemed to miraculously have all the answers so far this season.  And it’s genius, on a Usual Suspects-like level that leads me to believe I haven’t been giving these writers nearly enough credit in my recaps this season.

mischeivous stiles

I like how the show took the inherent ridiculousness of the “Kill Kira” coded message on the chalk board last week, and immediately offered the explanation that SOMEONE ELSE, aside from Barrow, wrote it.    Now, while that assumption ended up being correct, I’m not sure, as a detective, I would have immediately arrived at that conclusion.  (In fact, if I recall from the message boards on last week’s episode, most fans, myself included, assumed that the code came from Barrow, himself.)  I mean the guy was basically a schizo psychopath who enjoyed killing kids with glowing body parts.  Why would he need a coded message instructing him to do the thing he loved doing so much in the first place?

glowing

Just a thought . . .

Speaking of glowing body parts . . .

Clothing Option . . . Paint Mandatory

At School in the Dark, Stiles finds a new mysterious key on his key chain, which I can totally relate to, because every time I stick my hand in my purse, I’m always finding things I don’t remember putting in there.  I swear I’m convinced my purse is a portal to another land . . .  either that or a very expensive trash receptacle for old receipts, candy wrappers, pens without ink and unmatched gloves  . . .

key enter

But enough about me!

Let’s talk about Kira . . .

i so want to hit that

Last week, Stiles was TOTALLY pro Kira, telling Scott he should absolutely hit that because he’s “the hottest girl” in school . . .

hot girl

Then again, maybe Stiles was just saying those things to hit on Scott . . .

attractie to gay guys

This week, Stiles basically thinks Kira is Jenny the Darach 2.0, which makes her more or less undateable, unless you are really hot for people who secretly look like Lord Voldemort . . .

shes evil

“Let’s leave the dating of secret murderers / super villains to MY future girlfriends, mmmm kay?”

voldemorteet

. . . or you’re a moron . . . like Derek . . .

torn up derek 2

And because I had the exact same idea last week, I am now more convinced than ever that Stiles and I do, in fact, share a brain . . . which worries me, because I’m pretty sure Stiles’ brain has a tumor in it . . .

not a tumor

In the boy’s locker room, Aiden and Ethan are naked, and everyone else is fully clothed, because, like children in the 1950s, these are two characters that are at their best when seen not heard.

the nakeds

Danny’s there too.  He’s fighting on the phone with some unseen person, about a blacklight party, which will now have to be canceled due to the “blackout.”  Hello Irony!

make them want us

Ethan wants to help Danny find an alternative location for the party, because he feels that will help him find an alternative location into Danny’s very busy pants.  He also believes that helping Danny through a really bitchin party will make Care Bear Scott know that Ethan and Aiden “care a lot” about their fellow man.  And even if this doesn’t cause Scott to make Ethan and Aiden into fellow Care Bears like Stiles . . .

awww stilesy

flower power

. . and Isaac .  . .

isaac scarf

grumpy

. . . and Lydia . . .

lydia smirk

stopped caring

. . . it might at least convince him to take the twins on as Care Bear cousins . .  . you know . . . the characters that weren’t bears, but still got to make an appearance every so often in the Care Bear Movies, and Specials, because they were basically nice people/ animals .. .

At first, Aiden is not down with being a Care Bear Cousin.  But then Lydia, whose mom will likely be brutally murdered very soon is now teaching at the school (?) and everyone knows that the only teacher at Beacon Hills High who can never die is Coach Crackpot tells Aiden that he can’t f*&k her in janitors closets anymore because his murdering Boyd just became a total turn off.

no bad guys

big boyd wolf

“Awww . . . how sweet . . . and also about 10 episodes too late.”

And Aiden and his blue balls decide being a Care Bear Cousin is better than being eternally celibate.  So, he decides to help Danny by suggesting he throw a party in Derek’s supposedly abandoned loft.  Yes, Aiden, because throwing a party in the place where Boyd died, will TOTALLY make Lydia forget you killed him.  Good thinking!

gotcha twins

Photo Finished!

Kira is sitting alone in the hallway eating her sad sandwich, and wearing very sad pants.  Scott completely ignores Stiles’ advice .  . .

bad scott

. . . and decides this is the perfect opportunity to hit on her . . .

sad pants

. . .to show her gratitude Kira shows Scott her nifty magical power that involves looking weird in photographs . . .

taking pic

(I don’t know, Kira.   I always look weird in photographs too.  And nobody’s ever tried to electrocute me for it . . . yet.)

Scott agrees to help get Kira’s cell phone (which contains evidence of her weird photographs) out of the police station’s evidence locker.

Meanwhile, Derek (rightfully) scares some kids who are stupid enough to go trick or treating in an abandoned parking lot during a blackout.   (Seriously, are all the parents in this town mentally retarded?)  But before he does that, he gives them candy.  Because grown men who carry Milky Ways and M&M’s  in the back of their truck, just in case they happen to come upon unaccompanied minors aren’t creepy at all . . .

candy for kids

“Hey kids, wanna hop in the back of my truck and eat Snickers?”

tee hee

“Sure sounds like fun!”

arh

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRRRRR!”

Obstruction of Justice 101

I’ve always said that watching Teen Wolf makes me smarter and more pervy.  This week’s installment of Teen Wolf had the added benefit of making me a better criminal!  Be amazed as Stiles teaches us just how easy it is to break into the police department and steal incriminating evidence against yourself!

thieves

Step 1 – Clone the key cards

Thus proving that Stiles literally does own the keys to every door in this entire town . . . including the door to his own mind, Lydia’s heart, and of course, the chemistry lab.

stiles key

“This could be The Key to solving this week’s mystery . . . literally”

Step 2 – Avoid the completely incompetent police force, by merely crawling underneath them . . .

dummy

“Off to get some donuts.”

Step 3 – Unlock evidence Drawer

the phone

Step 4 – Find evidence, and then dawdle for an unreasonably long time for no other reason than to increase narrative tension . . .

too long to charge

                Was it just me, or did that phone take a ridiculously long time to charge enough just to turn on?  That’s BAD product placement, if ever I saw it.  An iPhone takes about 20 seconds.  Just sayin . . .

Step 5 – Almost get discovered, just so Stiles will have to save your ass by being Stiles . . .

I don’t know about you.  But I vote when Teen Wolf gets canceled about 25 seasons from now, Stiles gets his own spinoff, which consists solely of him ragging on Scott’s Douchebag dad for an entire hour . . .  I’d watch that show.

the hero

P.S. What do you guys think the “big secret” Stiles’ dad has on Scott’s dad is that makes the latter hate the former so much?  Part of me thinks it has something to do with Scott’s mom . . . then again, maybe that’s because I’m totally rooting for Stiles’ dad and Scott’s mom to start boning in the next season or two.  They’d be adorable together!  Admit it!

not amused by stiles

After they escape, Kira is totally turned on by her introduction into a Life of Crime.  She wonders whether Scott and Stiles have ever broken the law like this before, at which point, Stiles wryly hands Kira a DVD set of the first 2.5 seasons of Teen Wolf, and replies, “Only every Monday at 10 p.m., for the past three years.”

teen wolf abortiaclinique

Ain’t No Party Like a Firefly Guy Party

Danny’s blacklight party is banging!

time warp

The music rocks, the nudity and creative body paint all over the place is insane.

And what other place can you go to get drawn on by Kelly Osbourne!

kelly o

.  . . or at least someone who looks a lot like her.

kelly os

Danny is eagerly getting painted up, when someone calls for ice, and a flirty Ethan tells him he’ll   . . . BE RIGHT BACK . . .

very gay

painted 3

Silly Ethan.  Did you forget you were on a horror show?

be right back

Sex makes men stupid . . .

While Ethan goes off into a dark abandoned corner of Derek’s loft to get brutalized, Danny notices some uninvited guests at his party, who are wearing way too much clothes . . .

matrix guy

“Why is Neo from The Matrix at my blacklight party?”

uninvited

But they have cool firefly eyes, so he decides to let it slide.

Elsewhere in the loft, Allison and Isaac show up at the party completely overdressed (just like the firefly guys).  So, they decide to improvise and also hump . . .

where are we

. .  . because really no blacklight party is complete without some good old fashioned humping . . .

talk scott 1

talk scott 2

talk scott 3

Also humping?  Stiles!  You go boy!

mackin

So what if he may end up being this season’s Big Bad?  Stiles is so Geek Chic and Dorky Sexy that even lesbians whose girlfriends were recently brutally murdered want to bone him!  Because everyone knows that having Stiles in your mouth is better than any antidepressant.

stiles

But who does Stiles want in HIS Mouth?  Answer:  Apparently EVERYONE!

like boys

like boys 2

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It’s always the “innocent” ones that end up being the biggest freaks in the sheets . . .

halloween shy sexy amariesworld

Stiles takes a break from sucking face with a lesbian to notice that his Magical Mystical Key has chemicals on it . . . as in chemicals from a chemistry lab.

check out your key

glowy key

RUH ROH!  It looks like our baby may have done a bad bad thing . . .

Speaking of bad things . . .

Ashes, ashes, they all FALL DOWN!

At the blacklight party, relationships, advance, discoveries are made, people are attacked, and everyone gets tattoos, all in a matter of minutes!

After coming to a silent understanding with Allison that they are both going to screw other people this season, Scott finally sees Kira for what she really is . . . a fox . . .

No, I mean, like, a real fox . . . like the “fire” around her body in pictures actually has a fox shape . . .

fox head

And being a member of the canine family himself, Scott totally digs it . . .

next victim

Allison and Isaac too finally give in to their mutually shared sexual tension, which causes Allison to discover Isaac’s brand new neck tattoo.  A backwards “five,” put there by the Firefly Guys?  Why, are they dyslexic?

found sign

Then again . . . it could also be an “S” for Superman . . . or STILES . . .

stiles rescue

Speaking of the Firefly Guys, Lydia spots them at a crowded party stalking her.  And so, rather than staying amidst the massive crowd of people who will undoubtedly keep her safe, she decides to say “I’ll BE RIGHT BACK,” to no one in particular, and heads out to balcony alone.

oh no

“Oh no, demons are trying to get me!”

make it easier

“Let me go out here, and make it so much easier for them to do so.”

draco malfoy facepalm

Silly Lydia!  This is what happens when you don’t hang out with Stiles, and allow him to makeout with lesbians instead of protecting you . . .

And they say you’re the smart one . . . sheesh.

not an orgy - Copy

The Firefly Guys take Lydia’s Banshee scream, give her the dyslexic tattoo, and then seem to entrance her in some sort of way.   But I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to determine what the consequences of that entrancement are . . .

look into my firefly eyes

“Look deep into my firefly eyes.  You are getting very sleepy.”

really loved you in matrix

“I really loved you in The Matrix, Mr. Keanu Reeves.”

Also, attacked and tatted up?  Ethan . . . and Derek . .  . whose super pissed off about it, and breaks up the party, the exact same way he traumatized those pesky trick our treaters.

this partys over

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRR!”

The Scooby Gang, minus Stiles, reconvene in the now empty loft to face off against the Firefly Guys.  I smell a Musical Battle Sequence . . .

kung fu fighting laala

“MORTAL KOMBAAAAAATTT!”

Unlike most Musical Battle Sequences on this show, in which the Werewolf Always Wins.  This time around, the Werewolf Always Sucks Ass . . .

had a bad da

In the Scooby Gangs’ defense, Firefly Guys are much better armed than our heroes, with Magical Tummy Swords . . .

sword maker

Hypnotic Tattoos . . .

superman

 

negativity and scarf

 

Bet Isaac is wishing he was wearing the scarf last night . . .

isaac scarf

“No tatt for me, Firefly Guy!”

And the Ability to Regenerate Heads . . .

danger

Then The Sun comes and saves everyone from getting murdered!  Hooray Sun!

the sun

Unfortunately, things are less sunny elsewhere in Beacon Hills, like back at the Argent house, where Papa Argent looks like he had a pretty crap day . . .

dying daddy

Also having a crap day, Stiles who has just learned that HE might be the one trying to kill Kira . . . which was a pretty ingenious development on the part of the writers, as it makes the oddity of Stiles magically figuring out the “code” on the board make so much more sense in hindsight.  It also makes Lydia’s comment about not wanting to be with the “bad guys” seem much more ironic / ominous.

evil stiles

Either that, or he’s dreaming / in a coma . . .

sleeping stiles

Or he has a brain tumor . . .

not a tumor

Whatever the reason, Stiles sure seems to be working very hard to make sure “The Hottest Girl” in school doesn’t get it on doggystyle with “The Fox.”

abominable snowman

Thus, proving that prolonged virginity can make you evil and/or cause brain tumors / comas.

So, go forth and get laid, Werebangers!  It might just save your life and YOUR SOUL!

sex me now 2

Until next time . . .

hi stiles

 

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Filed under Teen Wolf

It’s like . . . ephemeral – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Tattoo”

ephemeral

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ihopenotsporadically

“See you soon! I hope not sporadically.”

ihopenotsporadically2

Word-of-the-Day Calendars . . . Helping Dumb People pretend to be smart since 1995 . . .

Scott McCall has turned over a new leaf, this year. He no longer spends every waking moment thinking about his girlfriend, Allison. Instead, he spends every waking moment thinking about how Allison is no longer his girlfriend.

busted salison

He’s got a brand new ride . . .

yamaha-motorcycle-0061

Hey may or may not be able to FLY . . .

flying posey

He still wakes up early to do pull-ups on that random bar in his bedroom, every morning. But now, he does it one-handed . . . WHILE READING BOOKS . . . REAL ONES!

call of wild

It’s a new school year, Wolfbangers . . . and a new season . . . a time when everybody — characters, cast members, and staff writers — get to start fresh, with a clean slate and a positive can-do attitude. Together, they vow to be better than they were the year before. And some of those changes really do stick! The rest, unfortunately, are destined to be . . . wait for it . . . ephemeral.

teen wolf 12 eye roll

But that’s later. Let’s focus on now . . . when everything in Beacon Hills is just perfect . . .

nodding oh yeah

. . . well . . .unless you’re a deer . . . or a bird . . . or a cat . . . or that chick who tried to save Isaac’s life . . . or Isaac . . . or Boyd . . . or Erica.

omg cat

Scratch that. It’s a new school year, and everything already pretty much sucks in Beacon Hill for almost everybody . . . except for the people with the really hideous toenails. Those guys are living pretty large right now . . . On with the recap, anyway!

stiles with wolf hat

(Special thanks to my main man, Andre, for all the kickass screencaps. His generosity and talent is DEFINITELY not ephemeral . . .)

This could get ugly . . .

It’s odd to think that Isaac got the most intense action sequences of all the main characters, this week . . . especially when you consider that he spent about three quarters of the episode either completely unconscious or seriously doped up.

puppy love

Case in point . . . in the opening moments of the season, he’s nothing more than a seemingly lifeless, carved up body, being dragged along the streets. A mysterious leather-wearing teenage biker chick is doing the dragging . . . a biker chick, who just jump-started Isaac, by electrocuting his nipples. (Now, that’s not very nice!)

friday yet nipples

2 19 weird puffy pyramid nipples burytheworries

Girlfriend is uber petite. So, I’m thinking she’s probably some sort of supernatural something, to be able to so easily bear that load. She’s no wolf though . . . that’s for sure. Presumably, Not Wolf Girl hijacked Isaac from the folks who are currently chasing him . . . the ones that sliced his tummy into bacon strips . . .

2 3 bacon

. . . a process which somehow stole his memories. Memories, schmemories . . . I’m more worried about his ab muscles. Those grow back, right?

isaac wolf

Anywhoo, Not Wolf Girl tosses Isaac on the back of her motorcycle, like he’s a rag doll, and rides off into the night.

relaxing ride

Not a good time for a nap, Isaac . . .

But wait! Someone’s coming! It’s those twins who played Felicity Huffman’s kids on Desperate Housewives . . . except, now they are much buffer . . . possibly, because they stole Isaac’s ab muscles . . .

magic mike wannabe

more strippling

magic mike

The twins run much too fast to be human, which makes them instantly formidable. Unfortunately, they don’t seem too bright to me. I mean, if you are chasing someone, who is on the back of motorcycle, with the intent of re-kidnapping them, wouldn’t it make sense to . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . ACTUALLY SLAP OR GRAB THEM OFF OF THE MOTORCYCLE?

surrounded by idiots

Instead, the brothers just keep slapping the motorcycle with their hands, and occasionally keying it with their nails. It’s fun to watch. But as far as strategies go, it’s pretty lame.

We arrive inside some warehouse, where we find out, once and for all, why the Scavo Carver kids seem so lame brained . . . it’s because they only have ONE brain, between the two of them! (Not even a Word-of-the-Day calendar can help you there.)

ephemeral haha

In what was decidedly the SECOND most disturbing scene in the entire episode (I’ll get to the first, in a bit), one twin shoves his hand into the other twins back. Somehow, doing this causes them to become this monstrous being, that, honestly, looks more ogre than wolf. (Sorry, Shrek!)

morph

hulk

offended shrek

smash 2

Neat trick. The jokes about this one pretty much write themselves . . . My pal Andre what happens to the boys’ poor pants, when they do this? (As we know, the brothers have already helpfully taken off their shirts, like the good little teen TV show stars they already are.) I mean, I guess they rip, along with the rest of the wardrobe. But which brother gets the luxury of keeping his own crotch?

blaine crotch grab

Another thing I wondered . . . how exactly does one learn that they are capable of doing something like this? Were the two kids just sitting around, playing on their play station, when, all of the sudden, one said to the other, “Hey, wouldn’t it be neat, if I shoved my hand into the back of your spinal column and merged, bodies’ with you? Let’s try it! If you die, I’ll know not to do it so hard next time . . .”

first stabbing

But back to the show . . . Not Wolf Girl takes out this massive stun gun thingy, and blasts the werewolf version of Megatron out of the present, and into the future . . . i.e. a later point in the episode.

electric - Copy

bzzzz - Copy

electrifying

All Tatted Up . . .

In quieter news, Scott is hoping to get himself a brand new tattoo on his arm . . . of an equals sign?

tatt done

3 15 wtf can i

(Stiles is right. He definitely should have gone with a kanima tatt! Now, that would have been awesome!)

kanima tatt

too soon haha - Copy

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Speaking of Stiles, he’s not too big on the whole needles thing . . . bludgeoned bloody, kanima and alpha ravaged bodies . . . NO PROBLEM . . . needle pricked Scott Arms though? EW . . . that sh*t’s gross . . .

teen wolf stiles - Copy

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Poor Scott. He spent all that time in the operating chair, and it turns out, his tattoo is only . . . EPHEMERAL. (You knew I was going to do it, didn’t you.)

it healed

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His super wolfy skin heels right over the damn thing. It appears Scott is going to have to find another way to show he’s “over Allison” and “bad ass,” might I suggest purchasing a teen-life crisis motorcycle?

Now you see me . . .

Later that same night, Lydia and Allison are in a car headed for a double date with NOT Scott and Stiles. And because it is with NOT Scott and Stiles, it will most certainly not be an ORGY, as Lydia helpfully reminds us . . .

not an orgy - Copy

Speaking of things Lydia helpfully reminds us . . . erm . . . Jackson’s GONE. He went to the TV series Arrow “live in London,” which is television series code for, “You left us in the lurch, you bastard . . . no proper Departure Plot explanation for you!

ep 10 jackson cries

Coincidentally, Scott and Stiles are also in a car, driving home from the tatt parlor . . . and that car happens to pull up right next to Allison’s and Lydia’s at a stop light. It looks like this “double date” may end up becoming an orgy after all . . .

awkward meet - Copy

Or . . . maybe not . . .

drive away - Copy

Lydia and Allison can’t avoid Scott and Stiles forever though . . . Rabid Bambi’s Mom makes sure of that, by ramming herself right into Lydia’s front windshield. It’s touching the sacrifices our animal friends make for our ships . . .

something coming

friday yet again

bambi

Scott feels up the dead deer, and cleverly notes that it was “terrified,” moments before dying. Now, I know that’s supposed to be one of his nifty wolf powers, being able to instantly discern animal moods, by fondling their boobies. But really, I could have told you the animal was frightened, the moment I saw it FLYING INTO GLASS TOWARD ITS INEVITABLE DEATH!

duh told you so

Meanwhile, over at the hospital . . .

It’s SCOTT, DAMMIT! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW! (Even though most of you thought it was Derek or Stiles.)

The writers are mad at you, Wolfbangers! For two seasons, they have tried to beat it into your brain that SCOTT IS THE HERO OF THIS SHOW . . . SCOTT IS THE HOT ONE . . . the one you are supposed to love. And yet here you (and I) am, week after week, gabbing on about “Derek this,” and “Stiles that,” and “Sterek the other thing.”

derek dream 1

stiles-15

sterek next to eachother

And we are all “Scott who?”

trust scott

So, Teen Wolf is going to prove this character’s worth to you once and for all! Laid up in a hospital bed Not Wolf Girl is calling for an Alpha’s help. Scott’s night nurse mom, helpfully offers to snatch up Derek . . . because, honestly, what self-respecting cougar wouldn’t want to hit that?

mamas proud enter cece drake

But Not Wolf Girl shakes her head, looks directly at the camera and says, “NO, YOU BITCHES! I’M TALKING ABOUT SCOTT! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW!”

scott important

Later Mama McCall is tending to Isaac’s bacon stripped abs, which are starting to look like garden variety abs, thanks to Isaac’s presto chango bad boo boo erasing wolf powers. (SEE! THE ABS DO GROW BACK! THANK GOODNESS!) Mama McCall is wondering how she is going to explain to her fellows Grey’s Anatomy buddies, how the guy, who, just seconds ago, had a bloody, mashed potato tummy is suddenly in perfect health.

important

Isaac has the answer. He looks directly at the camera and says, “NO, YOU BITCH. GET SCOTT TO HELP! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THE SHOW!”

Well, they sure schooled us . . . Speaking of school . . .

Objects in your classroom window are closer than they appear . . .

Was I the only one that thought Lydia’s bedroom boy toy was nothing more than a figment of her imagination . . . kind of like the dead guy she spent half of last season flirting and locking lips with?

sex again

good sexx

lydia smirk

Because if he IS real, then why isn’t he going to school with Lydia? And, more importantly, where the hell are Lydia’s parents?

lydia brave tatikatelena

My mom was pretty low key, when I was in high school . . . but not SO low key that she’d let me spend the morning before my first day of junior year shacking up wanna-be Justin Bieber . . .

bieber fever

Speaking of The Biebs, at school, Lydia notes that she doesn’t want a boyfriend, but is very interested in sex with young boys . . .

fresh men

In context, it’s an acceptable comment, because “Lydia” is only 16. So, it makes perfect sense for her to have interest in 14-year old boys.

fresh boys

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But coming from an actress who is 26 . . . I have to admit it comes off sounding a little creepy . . .

In addition to all the incoming freshman, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Hot Abs are also matriculating at Beacon Hills high this year. They walk the halls in slo mo to pop music, of course . . . because, why not?

slo mo

In English class, the new teacher show’s everybody how “cool and hip,” she is, by sending the entire class a text message containing the final words from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. I’m disturbed by the fact that she had all their cell phone numbers.

heart of darkness

It’s a neat idea, in the new, “media” age. But, honestly, if girlfriend REALLY wanted to fit in, she should have texted them passages from something a bit more contemporary . . . like . . . say . . Fifty Shades of Grey?

electrifying

Scott and Allison make a plan to talk later in the day, before Scott is called out of the school on Important Werewolf Duty, because . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW . . .

Meanwhile, Stiles and Lydia discuss the recent strange behavior of the animals in Beacon Hills.

discuss 1

something coming something bad

Deer are throwing themselves into cars. Itty Bitty Purse dogs are BITING LYDIA . . .

BabyScared

. . . cats are committing suicide, as we find out later (remember when I told you the mighty morphing twins was the second most disturbing part of the episode for me, THIS WAS THE FIRST!)

suicide dont do it

It’s like that awful M. Night Shlamalamadingdong movie with Mark Wahlberg, where the trees make everyone kill themselves . . .

plastic plant

Lydia refuses to believe anything weird is going on, which is why an entire flock of birds has to fly through the school window, in order to prove her wrong!

birds

birds 2 - Copy

dead bird

scary birds

Silly Lydia! You should have listened to your purse dog! The entire cast of Angry Birds had to die because of you!

angry bird

Meanwhile, back in Scottland . .

Derek Hale makes an appearance (and instantly, I forget everything they just told me about “Scott being the most important person on the show.”)

I begin to wonder about the hiring policies at the Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital, when I notice that half the staff walks around with massively untrimmed fingernails and hideously ugly bare monster feet. Now, that’s just unsanitary!

feet

ew face

One such foot fungused person puts sleepy juice in Isaac’s IV drip . . .

sleepy

dopey again

Like I said, Isaac gets to spend most of this episode in a stupor . . .

Another Unhappy Feet candidate wolfs out on Scott in the elevator, just as he’s managed to escape, with a now fully healed, but also completely unconscious Isaac. And I must say, it’s not looking too good for our hero . . .

wolf guy

Until DEREK MAGICALLY APPEARS! HUZZAH!

down boy

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I’m sorry . . . you just can’t keep trying to convince me that “Scott is the most important person on this show,” when Derek’s around being all . . . Dereky . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

Off to the hideaway, they ride . . .

Derek’s Hideaway of Hotness

Scott, Stiles, Derek and Isaac gather at Derek’s “training pad,” to discuss what most of us already knew from watching last season finale, and this season’s trailers. (1) There’s a pack of Alphas in Beacon Hills.(2) They’ve kidnapped Boyd and Erica;

missing

(3) They leave weird marks on prospective Alpha Pack joiners doors, prompting Derek to paint HIS red, in order to hide the evidence. (Should have gone with black, buddy. Red isn’t really your color.)

red door

Even though Isaac’s stomach is looking as wound free and sexy as ever, Derek rips off the younger man’s shirt and covers him with plantlife to “heal him on the inside.”

Damon eye roll

Nice try, Derek. But you can’t fool us . . .

Speaking of “hidden wounds,” Scott reveals that the reason he wanted a tattoo so badly was to reward himself for pretending not to care about being broken up with Allison . . . you know, even though he spent half the episode talking about how bummed he was about being broken up with Allison . . .

bad scott

So, Derek gamely offers to attack Scott’s arm with a blow torch . . . He says he’s doing this to allow Scott’s tattoo to reemerge from beneath his skin. But honestly, I think he’s just doing it so his bud will SHUT UP ABOUT ALLISON!

blow torch

held down

“OK, OK .. . I’ll stop talking about Allison. Just STOP TORCHING ME!”

Back at school . . .

Alls well that ends . . . not so hot . . .

Recent Hospital Escapee, Wolf Girl races through Beacon Hills High looking for Scott, while there she grabs hold of Lydia’s and Allison’s wrist, leaving a strange mark on them. (Some type of protection spell, perhaps?)

marked together - Copy

In hindsight, she probably should have “marked” herself. Because girlfriend ends up getting attacked by the ENTIRE ALPHA PACK, we met earlier in the episode. (I guess they are still really sore about the whole Isaac’s Abs thing. Then again, maybe they are just upset, because none of them have ever had a pedicure, or used a toe nail clipper. That would make me pretty mad.)

mad girl

Interestingly enough, she manages to fight all of them off, without even using her crazy stun gun thingy . . . pretty darn impressive.

fight

“HIIIIIYAHHH!”

Except, then that Pretending to Be Blind Wolf Leader dude . . .

caned

cool guy

see or not

. . . with the cane has to come by and ruin everything, by murdering the most badass chica on the show (sorry Allison!), before we even got a chance to learn her name . . .

bloody

surprised-face

Now, that’s just bad manners . . .

Right before he does it, Pretending to be Blind Guy admits that this is all part of his MASTER PLAN to rid the world of Super Wolf Scott, by getting Hot Wolf Derek to kill him somehow . . .

ep 9 yeah shirtless derek

“WHATCHU TALKIN ABOUT RECAPPER?”

Stiles would most definitely not approve . . .

stiles sad 1

And that was “Tattoo” in a nutshell . . . Next week on Teen Wolf, Stiles FINALLY gets some nookie, and Sassy Peter Hale returns . . .

See ya then, Wolfbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [ My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

The Boy Who Cried “Dead” (and the Wolf who Cried “Gone”) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Down the Rabbit Hole”

life sucks get a helmet

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Hola, Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, someone DIED again . . . but maybe not permanently . . . it’s kind of hard to tell.

don't die jer

elena and jer

bonjer

elena stabs jer

2 22 jer alaric uzmama

Someone left Mystic Falls forever    for a REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME     for a few episodes, at LEAST!

tyler points

And someone RETURNED FROM ETERNAL EXILE, at least until her NEXT eternal exile!

the kat thank me brought cure

This is a big deal, right?  I mean these sorts of things don’t happen every week . . .

must be thurs

OK, you got me.  They kind of do happen every week in Mystic Falls.  But still!   When someone dies, they usually stay dead!

not dead forget your mistakes

When someone leaves, they usually stay gone!

shakes head

When someone returns, they usually stick around.

no no no its delena love

All these things could mean big changes for the show, as we know it.  RIGHT?

stefan shrug

No?  Oh well!  On with the recap, anyway  .  . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who will undoubtedly miss screencapping JerBear’s abs, just as much as I miss writing about them!]

Skin Care with Damon Salvatore

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When we last left Damon Salvatore, he was dead . . .

got to be kidding

No, seriously.  I don’t mean like “undead.”  I mean, that vampire hunter guy snapped his neck, and he wasn’t breathing.  (See what I mean about deaths being unusually passe and temporary, on this show?)

Anywhoo, Damon’s alive again now . . .

3 8 dance

Except, he’s got a noose around his neck, and is being humiliatingly dragged around Lost Island by the guy who “killed” him . . .

soap dish smash

These two are flirting with one another, something fierce.  The Vampire Hunter (who’s name is “Vaughn” by the way), compares Damon to a mosquito, an adorable pet name, if I’ve ever heard one.

mosquito

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He also tells Damon that he’s been watching him, and all his friends closely (Though, apparently, not closely enough to know that Damon doesn’t give two craps about Bonnie.); and that he plans to use him to wake and kill the Infamous Silas.

In return, Damon remarks on Vaughn’s nifty new tattoo (which apparently sprouted new wings around the same time THIS happened) .  . .

defans jeremy hulk

tattoo eee

Then, the eternal stud boasts of his own, supple, ink-free, skin.

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Oh, just get a room already, you two .  . . or at least a nice hole in the ground!

We interrupt this Very Sexy Infomercial for another “Previously on The Vampire Diaries” phone conversation . . .  Take it away, Elena . . .

elena on phone

“Like previously .  .  . on The Vampire Diaries . . .  we all went to this crazy island, where dudes wearing dreadlocks and white face paint occasionally try to  stake us and shoot us with arrows.  But you and Tyler didn’t get to come, because you were  both busy getting hit on / almost murdered by Klaus.  And then, like,  Damon and I TOTALLY got into this big fight, because I want to take The Cure.  And he like . . . doesn’t?  And then he disappeared, and I thought it was because he was mad at me.  But I think he’s like actually in a lot of danger?  So, um, anyway, even though last week we said we had no cell phone reception here, and now it seems like we lied . . . would you mind going to Klaus’ house, picking up his sword map, and sending us pictures of it?  Because we totally came to this remote and dangerous island without any plan, whatsoever?”

caroline on phone

“What?  Elena?  I can’t hear you.  This is a really bad connection.  *makes fake static noises into the phone*  Ohhh, I think I’m losing you.  Gotta go. Have fun failing to get The Cure.  Byeeeeeee!”

elena on phone 2

“I can’t believe that b*tch hung up on me, on MY SHOW!”

Then, Caroline goes to Klaus’ house, so she can fondle his big ancient sword, which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds . . .

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“Thanks so much for your help!  Here, have a rock!”

Poor Not-Johnny Depp . . .

johnny depp guy

depp tonto

He went through all this trouble to capture Bonnie and JerBear, and all he got for his troubles was a DAMN ROCK!

rock

Shane said the rock . . . like . . . had some sh*t like that.  Bull honky!  It looked like a plain old rock to me!  And it certainly didn’t help keep Not Johnny Depp from ending up like this . . .

dead guy

happy sad

Sorry Not Johnny Depp guy!  Unlike the rest of the characters on this show, I’m thinking you are probably going to STAY dead.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to shell out extra cash for a fancy gravestone!  You already have a rock!

Gravestone Eyes

Aramaic for Dummies

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler, Caroline and Klaus are having a great time surfing for porn on the internet . . .

more pictures

pictures of jer bear

“Hey, look!  It’s Andre’s screencaps!”

 . . .  and taking turns rubbing Klaus’ big ancient sword . . .

holding sword

Tyler: “I think my sword is bigger.”

Caroline: “Trust me, it isn’t.”

jerbear sexy

“Hey Caroline, don’t YOU want to hold my sword for a little while?”

hold sword

Tyler: “I’m not going to lie, this is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.”

Actually, Tyler and Caroline are using Klaus’ surprise knowledge of Aramaic to translate the sword.  They immediately call Rebekah on the phone to share the intel with her, figuring she’s on Team Scooby, anyway, so why not.  But then Klaus drops a not particularly surprising, because we all pretty much knew this from the beginning bombshell on them, which makes them wish they used cell phone minutes a bit more wisely.  As it turns out, there’s only enough vampire cure for ONE PERSON!

BabyScared

Oh no!  If Vampire Klaus Barbie gets to the cure first, the Scooby Gang won’t be able to use it to .  . . SAVE ELENA!  Oh the humanity!

caroline cryin

damon soulful crying

stefan crying gif

crying jess

“I don’t know why I’m crying.  I’m not even on this show.”

So, I guess now, in the words of the Three Musketeers,  it’s all for one, and one for .  . . ONE?

Meanwhile, back on Lost Island . . .

Stefan and Elena – Friends Forever . . . Literally

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Stefan and Elena share a nice platonic moment, during which Stefan admits that he still wants to grow old and eventually croak, even if that means never being able to insert his 160 + year old weiner (which might very well become instantly wrinkly, once he gets the cure) into Elena ever again.  Watching from afar, Rebekah doesn’t find this moment all that platonic . . .

jelly

rebekah heart

Poor Beks . . . she’s always a bridesmaid.  (But hey, at least she’s the bridesmaid that ends up getting laid in the coat closet at the wedding reception!)

shhhdamon beks memory

stebekah

With her new knowledge about The Cure in tow, Rebekah cleverly separates Elena from Stefan, so that she can reveal to the latter her deep dark secret about  The Cure’s limitations.  She then asks Stefan if he’s going to end up giving the darn thing to Elena, anyway.  He can’t deny it, so she breaks his neck.  Ahhhh, young love . . . or, perhaps, I should say really, really, really  old love!

bitch mode activated

And just like that, another temporary death has rocked Mystic Falls.

Later, Elena comes to Stefan’s temporary death rescue, at which time he breaks for her the bad news about The Cure.  Elena’s response to this news is arguably more surprising than anything else that happens during the episode . . .

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WOAH!  Look who’s gone and become all self-aware on us!

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All sarcasm aside, I was kind of proud of Elena, in this moment.  In past seasons, Elena has always been treated by the rest of the cast (except, maybe Rebekah) as a Delicate Flower, because she was a young fragile human, in a world of Old Dangerous Vampires, Werewolves, Witches and Whatevers.

damon gives elena flower

2 16 matt wtf face

“And what am I, chopped liver?”

But now, Elena is a vampire, who has committed murder.

killer headline

She has no greater claim on her humanity / right to The Cure than any other life-loving vampire on this show.  And the fact that she understands that, and is willing to own up to it, makes me a lot more sympathetic to her character, than I have been in recent episodes . . .

happy elena

In fact, Elena gets over the fact that she’s probably going to be a vampire for the rest of eternity, a lot quicker than one might suspect.  Instantly, she’s rushing toward the cave, dragging Stefan in tow, so that the pair can obtain the cure, and use it ON KLAUS!

klaus tums

“Not before I get my spinoff, b*tches!”

Things we do for love .  . .

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Also in the cave, Damon refuses to continue to be dragged around as Vaughn’s vampire puppy dog.

doggie

“I’ll let you off your leash, once you lift your leg and pee on the tree!”

Like the rest of the crew, thanks to Vaughn, he has also been blessed (or cursed, depending on the way you see things) with the knowledge that there is only one cure.  And while Vaughn’s idea to use the cure on SILAS, thereby preventing an impending apocalypse, even if it means all vampires shall STAY vampires for eternity, definitely seems like the better deal for Damon . . .

sexy delena 2

delena sex real

 . . . he’s still willing to risk all that, if it means making the woman he loves happy.  (Little does Damon know, Elena is TOTALLY willing to forgo the cure, if it means continuing to bone him for the rest of time, without Klaus constantly on their tail.)  So, Damon makes a move to beat the crap out of Vaughn, along with some help from a surprising source . . .

dont know my

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Rebekah!

crushing beks moonlight-dream

So what if they both end up totally getting their asses handed to them, by a mere HUMAN guest star, and end up passed out next to one another on the floor . . .

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It’s the thought that counts, right!

Later, when Stefan and Elena come to Damon’s rescue, he agrees to bow out gracefully, and let Stefan keep the proverbial Hero Hat that fits his slightly large head so well.  Damon doesn’t really want Elena to have the cure, because he fears it will be the end of their relationship.  But he’s not going to inadvertently stand in the way of her obtaining it either . . .

love you damon

Further up in the cave, Elena encounters a familiar face . . . one that has no trouble whatsoever kicking her BUTT!

3 6 mad elena

“This  is sooooo not my episode!  I’m calling my agent.”

Golly gee!  I wonder who it could be?

It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE and tattoo removal

circle

Over in Nosebleed Bonnie land, Shane finds a Perfect Circle, and positively no one’s everyone’s favorite witch uses the shape as an excuse to fondle Jer Bear’s naked body, once again.  (Honestly, can you blame her?)

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JerBear: “But Bonnie, I thought you loved me for my mind?”

Bonnie: “Shut up and take off your pants, I have Very Important Witchy Work  to do!”

JerBear: “But the tattoo is only on my chest.”

Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*

hot hand job

Bonnie: “Wow, I can feel your tattoo moving and growing.  The magic must be working.”

Jer Bear: *whistles awkwardly*

Bonnie must have really strong hands!  All it takes is a few fondles, and Jer Bear’s tattoo’s disappear, like he’s just had the Best Laser Treatment EVER!

erase

“Thanks for the free tattoo removal.  You know, I also have this freckle on my left butt cheek that I never much cared for.  Do you think you could take that off too?”

Elsewhere, Vaughn’s tattoos disappear as well.  Unfortunately, no one had the foresight to take off HIS shirt, or this could have REALLY been a party!

shoot score

“This is total crap.  I’m calling my agent too!”

Knowing what a total unapologetic perv I am, I suspect a lot of you assumed that my favorite part of this episode was that the mere fact of Bonnie touching JerBear’s Man Parts caused an honest-to-goodness avalanche in the Silas Cave . . .

the show

But that’s not true at all!  My actual favorite part of the episode came a little later, when that same avalanche ended up paralyzing Professor Dumpy Dork, and the rest of the Scooby Gang left him to ROT!

scared shane

Now THAT was awesome!  Honestly, they should have done that about five episodes ago!

left to die

caroline laugh

clap for bonus

laughing dan

But then, JerBear has to go and ruin all that awesomeness, by putting his shirt back on.  LAME!

boo shirt back on

“I’m sorry!  My nipples got cold, OK?”

3 5 angry fixed at zero other nat and gace

Welcome back, Zombie Granny!

Bonnie knows she’s getting closer to Silas’ coffin when her Ghost Granny, who is suddenly sporting a SERIOUS case of the Crazy Eyes, pops up out of no where, and tells her that she should feed her blood to the rotted dead corpse . . .

crazy gram

“Hi sweetie!  Go kill yourself, OK?  Grandma knows best!”

Fortunately, JerBear, who’s seen more dead people in his lifetime than that kid from The Sixth Sense . . .

movie_i_see_dead_people

 . . . knows that Zombie Grams is nothing more than a figment of Bonnie’s Silas-controlled imagination.  He knows some sense into Bon-Bon, just in time for her to get stabbed in the back by that pesky Vampire Hunter Vaughn.

The Long(ish) Goodbye

With Bonnie out of commission, Klaus has earned his Get Out of Box Free Card, and can no return to the important work of Terrorizing the Cast of The Vampire Diaries Until His Spinoff Begins . . .

santa klaus

Not wanting Klaus to kill her boyfriend again, or chase him out of town for the 85,000th time, Caroline appeals to the Original Vampire’s “softer side,” by admitting to him that, like him, she too prefers her fangy, eternally youthful self, to the shallow, self-absorbed human brat she was back in Season 1 . . .

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

   . . . at least not anymore . . .

In return for this heartfelt admission, Klaus agrees to let Tyler take another multi-episode hiatus, before he goes and tries to kill him again.

klarolineee

Caroline: “Does this mean that Tyler gets a spinoff too?  It could be called Hungry Like a Hybrid?”

Klaus: “Don’t push your luck.”

Outside on the porch, Caroline and Tyler share a tearful, sweet, and possibly, but probably not, permanent, goodbye. . .

forwoody

Tyler: “See you next season?”

Caroline: “Absolutely . . . well . . . unless the writers have given me another love interest by then, in which case, nice knowing ya . . .”

forwood goodbye

forwood goodbye 2

The on again, off-again couple genuinely promise to attempt to live full and happy lives without one another.  And I swear I’m not crying, it’s just raining on my face . . . or I’m chopping onions .  . . or something . . .

The Selfless Salvatore

Speaking of touching, Rebekah and Damon share a surprisingly genuine moment, during which Rebekah expresses her admiration for Damon’s selflessness, with regard to Elena and the cure.

get the damn cure

 

I really do like Rebekah, and think it’s about time she gets herself a hookup that isn’t Elena’s sloppy seconds.  Anyone else agree?

Surprise!

Further down in the cave, we FINALLY get our first glimpse of the ever elusive SILAS . . .

silas

 

And I hate to say this, but he kind of looks like Mikael . . . you know   . . . that OTHER big scary vampire type, who started off entombed, until he fed on one of the cast members, and then awoke, only to die about two episodes later . . .

3 6 mike

3 6 eat kat

 

Deja-vu?

If you recall, it was actually the unlucky Kat, who received the honors of being Mikael’s first meal, which is fitting, when you think about it, because . . . well . . . I’ll get to that in a bit.

So, Vampire Hunter Vaughn is fighting with Vampire Hunter Jer Bear, when “Elena” makes a surprise appearance, and rescues her brother from certain death . . .

kat vaughn

JerBear’s first hint that “Elena” isn’t quite herself, is when he has to REMIND her not to KILL Vaughn, and risk being saddled with that pesky Vampire Hunter Murderer curse again.  His second hint, is when she refuses to help paralyzed Bonnie, which I think is just good sense.  That witch is a pain in thee ass!

brat

 

But alas, JerBear figures out a bit too late that the vampiric female, who came to his rescue is not his sister at all, but . . . wait for it . . . KATHERINE PIERCE . . .

2 15 surprise

 

the kat eating apple petrova gifs

 

Annnd . . . then she feeds JerBear to Silas, who breaks his neck, and leaves him lying dead on the floor.  (So much for avoiding that Hunter Killer Curse, Katherine!)

dead jer 1

 

dead jer 2

 

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So, is Mystic Falls’ Shirtless Wonder REALLY dead?  Or just FAKE DEAD . . . like all those other times?

dead jerrr

It’s hard to tell at this point.  And this makes it difficult for me, as a viewer, to have a genuine emotional response to a loss which, if it actually sticks, will be a pretty major blow to the Mystic Falls Community, on multiple levels . . .

jer 1

(I’ll miss those ARMS, that’s for sure!)

The promos certainly want us to believe that JerBear is gone for good.

But IS he?

stefan shrug

Only time . .  . and next week’s episode will tell . . .  See ya then, Fangbangers!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

I Know What You Did Last Silas . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Into the Wild”

delusional are you

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Nothing like a little change of scenery to shake things up a bit.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, we all love getting wasted on whiskey at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

save a drink for

And getting staked at Elena Gilbert’s house .  . .

throwing stakes

And getting chased by psychopaths down the hallway of Mystic Falls High . . .

3 5 eleklaus

And we DEFINITELY love getting wet in Damon’s shower . . .

wet damon 2

But sometimes we all can use a break from the daily grind of getting our hearts ripped out of our chests . . .

rebekah heart

. . . and hot no-frills sex . . .

stebekah

. . . and drama with a capital D.

delena

Sometimes, we just need to . . . go to Canada . . .

This week’s installment of TVD was a literal detour from week’s past, in that a good portion of it took place on a remote island off the coast of Nova Scotia . . . Lost Island Silas Island.  So, strap on that backpack, hold your ancient headstone up high, and practice your “expression,” Fangbangers.  Because it’s time to head . . . “Into the Wild.”

delena scene

[As always special thanks to Andre, who photographs Steven R. McQueens pectorals more lovingly than Bonnie Bennett ever could . . .]

Bushy hair is whacked!

scared shane

It’s Super Short Flashback Time!  Professor Dumpy Dork is being chased through the forest by . . . wait . . . is that Johnny Depp’s character from The Lone Ranger?

running man

depp tonto

I guess we can take this to mean the natives are on Team Dead Kol, when it comes to letting The Cure stay buried, right alongside other Discarded TVD Plotlines, like Damon’s Crow and Bonnie’s decision to date her sort-of brother?

funny kol face

“Now, where was Johnny Depp, last week, when I was getting my ass handed to me at Baby Vamp’s house?”

Back in the present day, our Scooby Gang (minus Caroline and Tyler) arrives on Lost Island Silas Island in their trusty canoes.  (Who knew Mystic Falls had its very own Eastern Mountain Sports store?)  Professor Dumpy Dork waxes poetic about the island, and makes some lame vampire sunscreen joke to Damon, who looks unamused.

sunscreen

“Are you sure?  It smells like coconuts?”

Then, Rebekah and Elena try to stake one another in front of Stefan, who looks VERY amused, but has to pretend he’s not . . . you know, to protect his image as the Brooding Tortured One.

girlfight

Hey . . . you know what . . . while we are waiting for something exciting to happen, let’s go ahead and give our Scooby Gang their Lost identities for the hour.  After all, this is the Lost episode of TVD, after all.  (For those of you who never watched Lost, feel free to skip down to the next section, as this part is going to make absolutely no sense to you.)

dancing losties light-comma-sticks

Professor Dumpy Dork, of course, is our Benjamin Linus.  You know, the guy who fans new was bad news, the minute he appeared on screen.  And yet the Losties took about a season to figure out the exact same thing . . .

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=

professor shane

Damon is that uber sexy snarky rascal, Sawyer (naturally) . . .

gun in pants

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Which, I guess makes Elena, the intrepid Kate . . .

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And Stefan the serious minded doctor with daddy issues, Jack . . .

we have to go back

stefan crying gif

Depending on your personal feelings about her, Rebekah could either be the started-out-as-an-Other, but-turned-into-an-ally / plucky love interest blonde, Juliet . . .

live together

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 . . . or the bratty, doomed-to-die blonde with brother issues, Shannon . ..

sunbathe

Our warrior Jeremy, will double as THEIR Warrior, Sayid . . .

sayid warrior

sayid 2

=

jer 1

Also starring Bonnie Bennett as . . .  the Smoke Monster . . .

smokey

bonnie shane 2

X Marks Jeremy’s Nipple

Now, I like obligatory shots of Steven R. McQueen’s naked flesh as much as the next girl . . .

photograph body

But could someone please tell me why they waited until the crew got to FREEZING COLD LOST ISLAND for Bonnie to start snapping pictures of JerBear’s hot bod?

stefan shrug

They couldn’t have done that before they left . . . like, say, in Jeremy’s bed?

Because the way Bonnie was fondling that tattoo definitely seemed illustrate a bit more than “scientific interest” on her part . . .

fondle

And let’s be honest, as far as Maps To the Cure go, this one seems to pretty much be the Easiest One to Read EVER.  I mean, we are pretty much talking about a straight line from Jer Bear’s right arm to his left nipple.  Not much room for error, there . . .

more nip

As for the theory that JerBear’s hunter tattoo is not a map at all, but a “spell to awaken Silas,” that theory ends up pretty much being a dead end too.  So, in other words, the Scooby Gang just had thousands of vampires, so that Jeremy could look sexier with his shirt off . . .

jeremy arm

Makes perfect sense to me!

This is My Confession . . .

Damon Salvatore .  . . He’s an enigma, wrapped in pain, wrapped in love, leather, and a nice behind .  . .

nice behind 1

damon eternal stud

He was a self-proclaimed monster, with a deep dark secret, one he couldn’t bare to share with anyone, who would live to tell it to anyone else.  Damon Salvatore was a vampire, who missed his humanity . . .

And yet, unlike a certain other Salvatore, he was never ashamed of who he was.  And when the woman he loved also turned into a vampire . . . well . . . it didn’t change how he felt about her, in the least . . .

So, he taught her to love herself, which, in turn, helped her to realize that she loved him . . .

Why am I recapping all of this for you?  Well, basically, because I found Damon’s admission this week, that, not only did HE not want the cure,  but he didn’t want Elena to take it either, a bit confusing.

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dont understand

Now, don’t get me wrong, I particularly enjoyed Ian Somerhalder’s acting this week.  There was a certain wistfulness about him, that we haven’t seen in some time.  I loved the resigned sadness on his face, as Elena fervently reassured him of her continued love for him, human or vampire.

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It was quite obvious that Damon’s history wasn’t letting him believe her.  Yet, he really WANTED to believe her.  And, above all, he wanted her to be happy.  So, he pretended to be happy too, even though, inside, he was miserable.

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That made sense to me.  What didn’t make sense was Damon’s sudden shunning of Elena . . . his assertion that he wouldn’t want to be with her, while she got old and died, and he stayed the same age . . . even though, for three seasons, the love unrequited Elder Salvatore seemed like he would have given the world for that opportunity.

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Was Damon lying to himself?  Was he subconsciously trying to make himself believe that he could no longer love a human Elena, so that it would hurt less, if she stopped loving him?

damon crying color

Then again, maybe, the writers are just doing a little ret-con to make the inevitable plot twist of DAMON dying and coming back as a human, while Elena stays a vampire, more epic.

And, while we’re on the subject, shouldn’t this so-called sire bond, have immediately caused Elena to shun the cure, once she realized that her taking it would displease Damon?

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Whatever the reason, I cheered when Damon tried to beat the sh*t out of Professor Dumpy Dork.  (A least someone has finally wised up to the idea that this guy is up to no good.)  And I was kind of bummed, when Elena stopped him.

soap dish smash

Speaking of the Shanester . . .

Fake Aztec Moonstone Curse 2: Electric Boogaloo

I don’t know about you guys, but for me, there was something about Shane’s flashback stories that struck me as a little bit . . . what’s the word I’m looking for here . . . oh yeah, FULL OF CRAP!  Let’s review, shall we?

(1) This week we learn that Bonnie’s witch ancestor buried Silas alive, to punish him for planning to use HER cure for immortality spell on ONE other woman.  And yet, the Scooby Gang somehow believes there’s enough of this cure for all the vampires in the world?

Damon eye roll

(2) Professor Shady Douche claims he got this entire idea for the Journey to Rescue Silas from a  . . . hallucination he had of his Crazy Dead Witch Wife?  And no finds that the least bit disturbing / odd?

now im crazy gg plotholes

(3) The “Good” Professor boldly admits that route to the cure involves THREE massacres, not the two he’s already brought about.  And NONE of these people, who have just been brought to a deserted island . . . where no one can hear you scream . . . is the least bit worried, that they’ve been brought here not because they have some big rock in their pants, or a gnarly tattoo, or a nice ass, or a nosebleed problem . . . but because they are PIGS FOR SLAUGHTER?

four%20piglets%20front%20view%20jpg

And, finally (4) any plan that involves Poor Man’s Benjamin Linus protecting the increasingly volatile Bonnie Smoke Monster from erupting hot lava all over Canada, just seems doomed to fail from the get-go.

what have i done

But hey, what do I know?  I’m just the lowly recapper, right?

nodding oh yeah


Two Vamps and a Stefan . . .

Damon’s Lady Troubles render him unusually incapable of snark this week.  Fortunately, Rebekah hops right in to the role of comic relief, lobbing zingers, left and right, mostly at her favorite target  . . . Elena.  From her wry determination that Elena was the only one who brought nothing to the table, when it came to the Scooby Gang’s quest for the cure (though, it could be argued that, since carrying a headstone requires only one vampire, not two, Rebekah, herself was equally useless) . . .

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 . . . to her later insistence that she saved Elena from the flying spear of an angry native, because she wanted the perky brunette’s death to be EPIC, Rebekah had me chuckling multiple times throughout the episode.

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Oh, and let’s not forget her wise recognition of Damon’s ASS-ets . . .

damon approves

I also related very much to Rebekah’s obvious fear, as the group sat at the Blair Witch Campfire that night, of things going bump in the night.  Many would argue that an All-Powerful Original Vampire shouldn’t fear lesser supernatural creatures, like ghosts and dumb natives.

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But I’m personally terrified of spiders and cockroaches, so I certainly can’t fault her for that . . .

Plus, it gave her a nice excuse to cozy up close to Stefan, a union I fully support.

stebekah 1

In addition to being funny, Rebekah also appears to be the Voice of Reason in this episode, when she reminds the rest of the Scooby Gang, that they are all just as evil murderous monsters as she is . . . killing anyone and everything that gets in the path of the people she loves.  So, why don’t they all just cut the crap, and work together?

trust me yes

And work together is precisely what Stefan, Rebekah, and Elena ultimately decide to do . . . after Damon, JerBear and Bonnie disappear, and Wanna Be Ben Linus makes off with their precious headstone . . .

Gravestone Eyes

“Smell ya later, losers!”

Elena even offers Rebekah back her “Originals Take a Nap” Dagger, as a sort of peace offering.

happy elena

I mean, it’s not like they have any other options. We interrupt the I Guess NOT Everybody Loves Elena After All Show, to bring you . . .

Klaus in a Box

Back in Mystic Falls, our loveable Box inhabitant gets his very first visitor, Tyler.  (Welcome back, Tyler!)  At first, they just growl and snarl at one another a bit, and exchange “I killed yo mama / yo brudda jokes.”

tyler points

Tyler smugly notes that, once his Scooby pals get The Cure, they will use it to “humanize” Klaus, and break the sire line.  This way, they can kill him, without subsequently murdering everyone in the cast.  Look at you, Tyler. . . a few months as a hybrid, and already you are an Expert in Vampire Mythology And Other Things Completely Unknown to the Rest of the World.

2 3 tyler scratch

(Except, a certain in-the-works spinoff tells us all, this isn’t actually going to happen.  So, thanks for playing, Tyler.  Better luck next time.)

Then, Caroline pops over to do a little happy house cleaning.  I liked very much how her version of disposing of Kol’s dead corpse was putting a blanket over it.  That’s how I handle most of the stains in my house, so I can relate.

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

When Klaus tries to appeal to Caroline’s good will for a Get Out of Box Free Card, she scoffs at the idea, insisting that Klaus “is not worth the calories she burns” yelling at him.

calories

Huh?  Since when does Vampire Barbie not like to burn calories?  Don’t all girls like to burn calories?  Are vampires even capable of burning calories, considering they are . . . you know . . . dead . . . and stuff?

So, many questions.   Unfortunately, we won’t have time to answer any of them, because, the minute Caroline finishes speaking Klaus stakes Caroline, and bites her neck, rendering her unconscious, and, prospectively doomed to death by werewolf venom poison.

bite

It looks like someone should have created a smaller Klaus Box . . . BONNIE!

bonnie kol

So, now Caroline is dying . . . again . . . and it’s shades of the last time Caroline was dying from a werewolf bite.  Except, this time, instead of sort of / kind of compelling Tyler to do it, this time Klaus “bites” the bullet, no pun intended, and does the dirty work himself . . .

bloody mouth

“Now, that was well worth the calories,” Klaus jokes.

(Stupid boys and their fast metabolisms.  They think it’s just soooooo easy to burn off a late night bite of Caroline . . .)

Tyler is horrified . . .  Caroline is on the Gilbert fainting couch, looking really pretty for a near-death girl.  Tyler begins to bargain out of desperation, “If you save her, I’ll be your b*tch again,” he pleads hopefully.

3 9 gay for klaus 2

“Been there, sired that,” Klaus replies . . . more or less.

3 3 bored honour in

So, Tyler carries Caroline home to die in peace . . . annnnd then he brings her back.

carrying car

(Now, that’s what I call a good workout!)

too hot tyler

Tyler leaves Caroline to die in front of Klaus, which had to be a tough thing for him to do, on multiple levels.  For one thing, there is no guarantee (at least in Tyler’s mind) that Klaus will save her.  So, there’s a very good chance, he will return to the Gilbert’s house to find her dead.  For another,  Tyler is basically leaving the woman he loves in the arms of another man, hoping that THAT man’s love will be enough to allow her to continue living.  AWKWARD!

scared tyler

From a character development perspective, I kind of wish the producers lingered on Tyler’s face for just a few brief moments, after he “dropped Caroline off.”  I think it would have added an extra layer of poignancy to the scene.  But unfortunately for Tyler, this storyline ended up not really being about him at all . . .

3 12 mad tyler

Like with Damon’s scenes this week, Klaus’ and Caroline’s “moment” was more notable for the brilliant acting displayed during it, than for the writing that made up the scene itself.  I’ve never really considered myself much of a Klaus fangirl (waves at blogger pal, Amy / Imaginary Men).  However, there’s just something about his Angry!Cry that just melts my heart to mush, every time I see it . . .

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And Angry!Cry was in full force as the dying Caroline dangled the carrot of The Redemptive Power of Love in front of his face.  “I’ve caught myself wishing I could forget all the horrible things you’ve done,” Caroline says, in one labored breathe.  “Anyone capable of love, is capable of being saved,” she says in another.

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Girlfriend is like a Life-sized Dying Hallmark Card . . .

But it worked . . . on Klaus, anyway . . . who Angry!Cried his bloody wrist to Caroline’s lips, just moments before she took her last breath . . .

saving

3 11 klaroline savior

Deja-vu?

Back at Lost and Found Island . . .

Jer Bear gets kidnapped by (I think) the axe murdering Johnny Depp, who tried to kill him, earlier in the episode . . .

captured jer

“You’re not really Johnny Depp!  Liar!”

Bonnie Smoke Monster makes some . . . wait for it . . . Black Smoke.

black smoke bonnie

Damon wanders off to sulk, and gets temporarily killed by a (hot?) vampire hunter, as punishment for being overly broody . . .

got to be kidding

Professor Evil drags new hostage Jer Bear and Bonnie off into the sunset to find Silas.

gangs all here

But at least he’s taken that ridiculous flashlight hat off his head . .

stupid flashlight

He looks like the forgotten cast member of The Village People.

Ruh-roh . . .

surprised-face

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries, meet Hot Vaughn: Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire.  Here’s hoping he lets us see HIS Hunter Tattoo, before the hour is up . . .

Tune in next time to find out who!  Until then, Fangbangers!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

That was Kol-d! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “A View to a Kill”

defans jeremy hulk

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JerBear, SMASH!

“If you’re going to be bad, be bad with a purpose.”

bad purpose 2

These are the sage words of advice “Mostly Reformed” Villain Damon Salvatore offers “Most-of-the-Time” Villain Klaus Mikaelson, while their respective friends and lovers are out trying to murder Klaus’ brother Kol.

A little ironic . . . don’t ya think?

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

But is Damon right?  Are TV characters who do bad things for good reasons always redeemable, while those who do bad things for bad reasons are, in the words of Damon, himself, “just dicks?”

douchebag jar misomeru

Take for example the now dearly departed, Kol Mikaelson.  Here’s a guy who, make no mistakes, has been doing some pretty bad things lately.  Let’s see . . .

He killed a group of innocent newbie vampires in a bar (though, let’s face it, they were all pretty much goners, regardless).

dead baby vamps

He threatened his own sister with the True Death.

hot kol 2

He made Damon stab himself.

stabbing self

He compelled Damon to kill Jeremy.

zombie damon

He terrorized Elena and Jeremy in their own home.

kol rampage

Trust me, Santa is definitely not putting Kol on any Nice List, this year.

santa klaus

And yet, ostensibly speaking, Kol had good reasons for doing all of these things.  He was doing them to try to avoid what he believed was the arrival of the END OF THE WORLD.

The Scooby Gang, on the other hand, murdered Kol, and, by extension THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of vampires . . . not all of whom were definitively terrible people, by the way . . . because they wanted to . . . make it easier for Elena to resolve her romantic feelings for Damon and Stefan?

stefan shrug

Hmm . . . maybe Damon’s wrong.  Perhaps, the difference between a redeemable TV villain and an irredeemable one really just comes down to . . . whose name is higher on the credits?

happy elena

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre,  whose screencaps are .  . . wait for it . . . to DIE FOR, MWAH-HAHAHA!]

Vampire Walk of Shame

pissed stef

“Oh crap!”

Those of us out there who have had the unfortunate experience of making a Bad Decision after a night of drinking, can certainly relate to Stefan’s desire to “dress and dash” at the first morning’s light,  in order to avoid the inevitable “awkward conversation” that typically follows such Bad Decisions.  Super vampire speed can come in pretty handy, in such situations!

hush little

*tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, door open, squeeeeeaaaak*

Unless, of course, you are making Bad Decisions with other vampires.  Then, you are kind of screwed . . .

hello mate

“Hello, Guy Who just F*&ked My Sister.  Care for a spot of tea?”

Stefan learns this the hard way, when he tries to make a quick escape from Rebekah’s bed, only to find himself face-to-face with her brother, Klaus .  . . who, let’s face it, always seemed to have a not-so-secret crush on Stefan.

3 11 klefandiaries love never dies

Talk about awkward!

Fortunately for Stefan, Klaus isn’t there to take a walk down Memory Sex Lane.  He actually just wants Rebekah’s Make-the-Originals-Take-a-Nap Dagger, so that he can put down his pesky brother Kol.  Rebekah has a few choice words for Klaus,  in response to his request, and they rhyme with “Yuck Foo” (or, at least they would, if this show was on cable, instead of the CW).

sookie shut the fuck up

Stefan, on the other hand, is a bit more receptive to Klaus’ argument.  After all, daggering Kol, at least, at the present moment, seems to be the key to . . . wait for it . . . SAVING ELENA.

happy elena

Something in the Water

Caroline is inexplicably on hiatus again, this week . . .

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

This means that Bonnie must take on her job of . . . having highly unnatural sounding telephone conversations with other members of the cast, with the sole purpose of re-hashing the plot of last week’s episode . . .

previously on

“Previously on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

strangle balloon

“I’d rather strangle this balloon than be having this conversation.”

I thought the show’s annoying helpful new intro took care of this . . .

“I’m stuck in the house, because Damon is compelled to kill Jeremy.  But I want Jeremy to kill Kol.  Because killing Kol means killing his entire vampire line.  And killing lots of vampires means Jeremy’s tattoo can grow.  And Jeremy’s fully grown tattoo equals a map to the vampire cure,” rambles Elena, as she essentially makes my “job” as a recapper completely useless.

3 5 angry fixed at zero other nat and gace

Thanks a lot, biatch!

I’m not going to lie.  I cheered when the newly-vervained water supply burned Elena’s dainty plot-spoiling fingertips.  Girlfriend had it coming . . .

ayeeee

“Ayeeeeeeeee . . .”

Mayor McSad

im a witch

“Do you have any idea how many supernatural creatures live here?  You do realize that by vervaining supply, you are going to ensure that none of them can shower, right?  Do you know how bad this place is going to stink, in about two days?

whistle

*whistles*

Taking a page out of the movie Footloose, Bonnie’s dad unilaterally decides that teenagers dancing leads to death.  So, he opts to cancel the school’s annual decade dance.

dont dance

Unfortunately, in this case, dude’s probably right.

TVD’s Decade Dance episodes are almost always their most bloody.  And this one will be no exception . . . In fact, it can be argued that this episode’s body count is the highest in TVD history . . .

Bonnie’s pretty pissed about the whole “no dance” thing.  (She blew up those 99 damn red balloons for nothing!)

grrrr owl

bonnie kol

“Oddly enough, this is the most action I’ve had since I stopped sleeping with my almost brother.”

And I imagine her No Dance rage had a bit to do with her going all Stephen King’s Carrie on Kol, when he tried to accost her in the hallway by the lockers.

pop balloon

“NO!  Not popped balloons!  Anything but popped balloons!  Please Bonnie, have mercy on my soul!  (Maybe you could just give me a papercut, like you did that Shane guy.)”

Now granted, Bonnie does some pretty cool witchy things, by the end of this episode.   So, I’ll give her a break here.  But it must be said, that, just like with last week’s “gave Shane a paper cut,” moment, Bonnie’s “defense” against Kol’s advances is pretty Magic Lame.  Popping balloons?  Slamming lockers?  Around these parts that’s what we call a Temper Tantrum.

And yet “All Powerful Original Vampire” Kol was on his knees, inexplicably screaming in anguish from this lackluster demonstration.  So, Not-Yet-Dark-Willow 2.0 must have been doing something right. . .

dark willow

Damon Salvatore’s Revenge Sex Handbook, and other items on my Must Read List

nice floor

Dirty, pride-wounded, and half drained of blood, Damon is still looking mighty hot, as he naps on the floor of the Makeshift Correctional Institution for Wayward Salvatores.  Stefan treats his brother like a dog, throwing  blood vial treats on the floor by his face, and offering him probably piss warm re-bottled tap water to drink.  (Important later)  What’s the matter, Steffy?  You couldn’t spring from some Poland Spring?

wet damon 2

Oh how the mighty hath fallen!  Big Bad Klaus has been relegated to the job of babysitter/ prison warden, while Stefan heads out looking for Rebekah’s Make-the-Originals-Take-a-Nap Dagger to use on Kol.

prison warden

“Peekaboo!  It’s your friendly neighborhood prison warden!”

the show

He shares with Damon gossip about Stefan’s sexcapades with Rebekah.  And I’ll be damned if big bro doesn’t seem just the slightest bit proud of his brother’s newfound sluttiness!

damon approves

“Look whose taken a page out of my Revenge Sex Handbook,” muses Damon.

First Katherine, then Elena, and now Rebekah . . . these two bro vamps sure do seem to enjoy dipping their pens in the same company ink, don’t they?  Speaking of Salvatore Sex Buddies . . .

Elena’s Master Plan

Stefan is pissed off enough at Elena to remove her picture from his cell phone, but not pissed enough to delete her from his contacts entirely.  So, when Elena calls Stefan, the generic “Male Silhouette” pops up on his phone, instead of his ex-girlfriend’s smug face.

I thought it was pretty hilarious that, when Elena started detailing her plans to Stefan on how she planned to kill Kol, Stefan turned on his motorcycle, so Klaus couldn’t hear them.

whaaat

“Previously on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

moto

“Wait, I’m turning on my motorcycle so Klaus can’t hear us.”

whaaat

“WHHHHHAAAAT???!”

screaming stef

“I SAID, I’M TURNING ON THE MOTORCYCLE, SO KLAUS CAN’T HEAR . . . oh, fudge!”

Riiiiight, because the Original Vampire’s Super Hearing is strong enough that he can hear telephone conversations going on UPSTAIRS and OUTSIDE HOUSE WALLS, but not telephone conversations that are DROWNED OUT BY THE DULL ROAR OF AN ENGINE.

Damon eye roll

Anywhoo, Elena wants Stefan to use the Make-Originals-Take-a-Nap dagger on Rebekah (or, rather, have Matt do it for him), so that Jeremy can kill Kol, and Bonnie can “do something” to Klaus.  And, just like that, the Band is back together again . . .

Happy House Guests and Maneaters

All two people who shipped Elena and Kol as a couple were probably thrilled that it was her job to hit on him in her home, while Matt helped Stefan look for Rebekah’s dagger, and JerBear headed off in search of BonBon.  Kol tries to smooth, by waxing poetic about “music” and yammering on about the classy alcoholic beverages of yesteryear.  But let’s face it, he’s no Elijah . . .

hi im elijah

video games

ELENA: “Yooooo hooo, I’m flirting with you, and plying you with alcohol!  It’s your job to love me!  Don’t forget what show you’re on!”

KOL: “Shut up, wench.  I’m in the middle of beating Grand Theft Auto.”

ELENA:  “You’re sooo not surviving this episode . . .”

Why not stick to what you do best, Kol?  Making people stab themselves, and clocking them on the head with baseball bats?

kol bat

Meanwhile, Rebekah is rocking out to the song “Maneater,” while whining about the lameness of 80’s fashions.  Having missed every single decade dance, since the show’s inception, Rebekah seems more resigned than dejected, when she learns that this one was canceled.

rebekah heart

And yet, try as she might to look nonchalant, when Stefan presents her with the idea of attending the dance anyway, the perpetual 17-year old’s face lights up, like a kid on Christmas morning . . .

go to the dance

“If this were really an 80’s movie, you’d be the bitchy girl, who, dated James Spader, and got screwed in the end, while Molly Ringwald got the boy.  But since you were sleeping during that decade, we can pretend it’s the other way around.”

Villain Bonding Session

In my second favorite scene in the episode (we’ll get to my favorite soon enough), Klaus randomly asks Damon for advice on how to get the girl of your dreams to fall in love with you, despite the fact that you occasionally murder people she cares about . . .

blonde vamp

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“Been there, done her . . .”

As I mentioned at the beginning of this recap, Damon advises Klaus that the key to being a redeemable villain is doing bad things for good reasons.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t help Klaus all that much.  After all, he’s the guy that killed Aunt Jenna, because he wanted to build himself a Slave Army, and killed Tyler’s mom and twelve hybrids, because he was Having a Bad Day . . .

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Cheer up, Klaus.  Redemption is overrated, anyway . . .

Worst .  . . Family Meeting EVERRRRRR!

Sucky is when your dad confiscates your cell phone and your car keys, so you can’t go out and play in the Save Elena games with your Scooby Gang.

got your phone

“I got your phone, and you can’t have it, Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nahhhhhh.”

SUPER SUCKY is when your ex-boyfriend barges in and tries to kill your vampire mother, so she suffocates you, and drugs you, so you can’t leave the house . . .

stop talking

“Ew, mom, your hand stinks.  Who have you been eating?”

Ode to the 80’s

Unlike some of the other decades this series has represented, you can tell that the 80’s is one that a majority of the show’s writers have actually lived through, and thoroughly enjoyed, tacky wardrobe choices notwithstanding.  Paul Wesley (speaking in Stefan’s voice, of course), who, himself is an 80’s baby, seems almost wistful, as he describes movies like Say Anything, The Princess Bride, and The Breakfast Club.

80s movie

I gotta say though, I kind of thought they’d go with a Pretty in Pink reference, especially given the locale .  . .

pretty-in-pink-fb

But I guess that’s not really a “Dude Movie,” not even for “sensitive vampire dudes” like Stefan . . .

Though I bet Edward Cullen would just eat that sh*t up .  . .

EdwardCullen

And while, as far as plot points go, this scene did little to advance the main story, it did serve to reveal a side of both Rebekah and Stefan that we haven’t seen before . . . their shared sentimentality and sense of nostalgia.  Plus, I thought it was a little kinky that Rebekah’s “koala corsage,” was grabbing at her boob the whole time they danced . . .

dancing

copping

Upon learning that Rebekah has conveniently hidden the dagger in her boot, Stefan gets right to business, cleverly suggesting the pair practice The Breakfast Club Slide (Is that a Thing?  I didn’t know that was a Thing?), as a way to get her barefoot.

breakfast club slide

She sees right through his evil scheme, though . . .

Ruh Roh!  Nice knowing ya, Steffy!

beating up stefan

Except . . . wait a minute  . . . Rebekah’s totally COOL with giving her little bro the Big Sleep . . .

. . . if it means getting a chance to use the vampire cure on herself, that is . . .

wanna be human

Sorry Matt Donovan, Dagger Finder!  You’ve just been rendered entirely useless, for yet another episode . . .

always a bridesmaid

“Always a bridesmaid . . .”

Speaking of Originals, who know they’ve been betrayed . . .

Burning MAD!

After phoning Brother Klaus to give him the 411 on his so-called allies, Kol angrily barges back into Casa Gilbert to tell Elena he’s denied her phony request for a truce.  He stabs Elena with some wood, tries to chop off Jeremy’s arm on the carving table, gets sprayed in the face with vervain water, and chases Elena and JerBear around the house a bit, like he’s the Wil E. Coyote, and they are the Road Runners.

baked jeremy

“Anybody hungry?  I thought I’d make some Hunter’s Stew, heavy on the hunter.”

And just like the Wil E. Coyote, Kol makes one VERY stupid mistake . . .

Hey buddy, question for you.  Why would you bring THE WEAPON DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO KILL ONLY YOU to the house of the people who REALLY WANT TO KILL YOU?

draco malfoy facepalm

“I’m a mini villain, and even I know that’s a bad idea.”

And kill him they do!  While Kol is being distracted by vervain water and shiny objects (like Elena’s boobs), Elena grabs the stake from him, tosses it to JerBear, and allows the latter to finish the job.

burning kol

“Stop drop and roll, buddy.  Just stop, drop and roll . . .”

KABLOOEY,  Hot Kol has just become REALLY HOT KOL .  . .

And then ASH KOL . . .

And then DEAD KOL . . .

No spinoff for you, little man!  That’s what you get for not being nice to Elena on the Everybody Loves Elena show. . .   Better luck, next series!

happy elena

Klaus the Mime

Hey guys, Kol’s dead!

You know what that means.  That’s right.  An uncompelled Damon has earned his Get of Jail Free card from the Correctional Institution for Wayward Salvatores.  More importantly, now he can go back to screwing Elena.  YIPPEEE!

sexy delena 2

In other news, Bonnie went all Witchy Roid Rage on her parental units, and made it back to Casa Gilbert just in time for a furious Klaus to land on their doorstep, and realize his brother is Definitely Dead this time . . . not just taking a 500 year nap, like last time . .  .

burn house

Klaus, of course, is hopping mad, and threatens to blow Elena’s house down, like the wolf in the Three Little Pigs story.  Actually, he threatens to BURN it down.  Honey, your brother already tried that.  It didn’t work out so well for him.

burning kol

Turns out, Klaus didn’t really want the cure to make Elena human, and make more hybrids.  He wants to DESTROY IT!

(Really, Klaus?  You go through all that trouble to find something, and then you want to throw it away?  Wouldn’t it have just been easier to go along with Kol’s plan, and prevent the cure from being found at all?)

funny kol face

“Now you tell me?”

In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Bonnie leads Klaus into the Gilbert living room, and inexplicably uses some witchy juju to LOCK HIM IN . . .

fist pump

“Klaus, you’re doing it wrong.  Clearly, in your thousand years of time on Earth, you never spent time at the Jersey Shore.  A fist pump looks like this.”

stefan salvatore fist pump best

Cue Klaus screaming and banging his fist against the air.  That homeless mime, who I see every day outside the subway would be SO impressed.  Screw the Originals spinoff.  I want to watch a show that features new guest stars every week coming to talk to a faux-imprisoned Klaus at the Gilbert Home.  Imagine all the hijinks!  They could call it “Klaus in a Box.”

lonnie oh my feelings

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Speaking of funny . . .

You wouldn’t like JerBear when he’s angry . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome the Scooby Gang reunites for my favorite scene of the episode.  At first, nothing much happens.  Damon and Elena hug and kiss, but can’t do much else, because all those pesky other people are there watching.

Delena-Hug-3-2x12-damon-and-elena-18786642-500-254

Stefan pops in to inform everyone that their former nemesis, Rebekah, has now joined the Scoobies. And why not?  After all, Rebekah has already paid the membership fee, by getting a Stefan injection . . . if you catch my drift . . .

stebekah 1

Elena, of course, thinks this idea is crap.  Because she’s the fairest one of all, gosh darn it!  And she’s not going to have to put up with another lady who has intimate knowledge of which Salvatore brother has the bigger weiner.  No sir!  Not on the Everybody Loves Elena Show! she doesn’t trust Rebekah.

Damon and Stefan exchange words about their lady loves.  Stefan issues a particularly below the belt sire bond comment.

oh hell to the no

The two are about to beat the crap out of one another for the 85,000 time this series  . . .

punching stefan

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 . . . when . . . MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE HAPPENS!

JerBear starts growling, and ripping off his shirt, like he’s just been told he got the starring role in Hulk: The Musical.  And I start laughing hysterically at his expense, until I see his muscles all covered in dead vampire tattoos.  Then, suddenly, I fall silent, mesmerized by the hotness of it all.

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x marks the spot