DAMON: “You know, it really baffles me, how you continue to resist my amorous fondles. I’m stroking your boobs. I’m blowing on the back of your neck. I’m doing the Eye Thing. It’s Textbook Seduction. How are we not jumping eachother’s bones, by now?”
ELENA: “It’s simple, really. The producers have put a padlock on my underwear. Not to be opened until episode 12.”
DAMON: “Figures . . . we have vampires, witches, werewolves, ghosts, Originals, and hybrids, when all we really need is a good locksmith.”
Greetings, Fangbangers! It’s back to school time, at Mystic Falls. Remember school? That place our characters typically go to attend vampire-infested theme dances, and then seemingly don’t return, for months?
Well, apparently, Mystic Falls High has just enacted a much stricter attendance policy. Because THIS is the second episode IN A ROW that featured the elusive high school, as a backdrop.
“What is this place? How did we get here? Is this another one of Bonnie’s spells?”
In many ways, “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” was a warped, alternate universe, version of the first few of episodes of TVD. There was cheerleading practice, and a bonfire. Vicki was hanging out in the stoner den. Tyler was being douche (and wearing a dorky dew rag).
“It soaks up my man sweat!”
Elena sat next to Stefan in Alaric’s Saltzman’s history class. (I’m still not sure if Mystic Fall High has any other history teachers.) SOMEONE was wearing an ugly scarf to hide an uglier vampire bite.
“Is that a doiley around your neck, or are you just happy to see me?”
With a town so rich in history (and REALLY OLD PEOPLE), it makes sense that Mystic Falls is a place where history seems doomed to repeat itself for all eternity, with some very important “adjustments” to the original tale.
Let’s analyze, shall we?
(Special thanks, as always to my Brilliant Screencapper Andre for most of the pictures you see here.)
Elena the Vampire
“I’m done playing The Victim . . . at least, until next week.”
It’s 5:15 a.m. Elena’s alarm clock has just gone off. She’s clearly not happy about it. Yet, our heroine still manages to emerge from her bed, without ONCE hitting the Snooze Alarm, which is more than I can say for myself, most mornings . . . and I’ve never ONCE been eaten by an ex-boyfriend
(Well . . . there was that one time . . . nevermind.)
“I have to say, as far as hickeys go . . . this one is actually kind of cute. I think I’ll keep it.”
After donning her most stylish workout gear, Elena tromps off into the woods with Alaric, for her first lesson in Vampire Slaying 101. The problem of course, is that, though he has all the coolest vampire slaying toys, Alaric’s track record for ACTUALLY killing vampires sort of leveled off around mid season 1.
Hmm . . . I wonder why that would be?
(You know the saying, “Those who can . . . DO, and those who can’t TEACH?” Well, apparently, this applies to Alaric in most aspects of his life . . .
He’s still an expert at using his Chunky Monkey, though . . .
Alaric shows Elena a little pillow dummy, and instructs her to stab it. However, she can’t “penetrate” because
the blade is too dull the dummy is too hard she is too scrawny. Alaric then caustically tells Elena that she could stand to GAIN a few pounds . . . a line that may not have won Alaric many points with his student, but will most certainly earn actor Matt Davis plenty of points with TVD’s female fanbase. (Needless to say, I suspect the Chunky Monkey will be getting A LOT more action, this week.)
“I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow that vampire pillow down!”
Always quick to jump down the throat of ANY male on this show, Elena immediately begins to lecture Alaric on his chauvenistic lack of faith in her vampire slaying abilities. (Of course, Elena. He doubts you, because YOU ARE GIRL. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you make terrible vampire slaying plans in every episode, which fail about 100% of the time.)
The truth hurts, doesn’t it?
Of course, since Alaric secretly wants to bone Elena (at least, he SEEMS like he does), he doesn’t insult her, the way I just did.
“I know you tend to prefer undead men, Elena. But, rest assured, there are some unique benefits to dating real life humans . . . I just haven’t figured out what they are yet.”
Instead, Alaric tells Elena how strong she is, just for getting out of bed in the morning (talk about LOW EXPECTATIONS), and somehow equates this TREMENDOUS feat with having vampire slaying abilities.
Hmm . . . getting one’s lazy ass out of bed . . . overpowering, and murdering an immortal bloodsucking monster . . . yeah . . . I don’t really see the relationship either. 😉 But hey, why burst Elena’s bubble, so early in the morning?
New Year, New Life, New . . . Scarf?
CAROLINE: “Seriously, who compelled her to dress like that?”
BONNIE: “I know, right? She is SO not sitting at our lunch table, this year.”
ELENA: “Umm . . . guys? Stefan bit me on the NECK, not the EAR. I can still HEAR YOU!”
An hour or so later, besties Caroline Forbes, Elena Gilbert, and Bonnie Bennett are walking into school, seemingly in complete denial as to how truly f*&ked up their lives have become. Caroline, in particular, seems determined to put her past year of being tortured in about every other episode, behind her, so that she can have an AWESOME senior year.
There is nothing at all strange about this. This happens to everybody. Doesn’t it?
Then, Ugly Scarf Elena has to TOTALLY ruin the mood, by whining about how it’s her and Stefan’s anniversary . . . and, now he’s Klaus’ evil b*tch . . . and how she wasn’t able to get the stake to stick in the vampire pillow doll, this morning and WAAAAAAAH!
ELENA: “My scarf is making me depressed.”
CAROLINE: “Your scarf is making EVERYONE depressed.”
Talk about a serious Debbie Downer! I’m officially convinced that Ugly Scarf Elena is the polar opposite an nemesis, of the adorably sassy, Ponytail Elena, who, fortunately, for us, is poised to make an appearance in this episode, in just a few moments . . .
Right arm red, left foot blue, right hand DOUCHE
Ripper Stefan is so LAZY! Pilot Episode Damon would have absolutely been on the floor playing Twister WITH his breakfast mates.
Damon is VERY flexible.
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is enjoying breakfast. . . and by “breakfast,” I mean a bunch of bimbos, who just LOVE to play Twister, and / or have their arms chewed off by a so-called “True Ripper.”
Looks like a BLAST!
(Now, of course, I understand why he wanted to eat them. But why bother with the board games? It just seems like an awful waste of time to me. Hasn’t anyone ever taught this guy not to play with his food?)
“Is this what Klaus had in mind, when he compelled you to protect Elena?” Damon wonders.
Good point, Damon. Throughout the episode, I found myself wondering just what exactly Klaus meant by compelling Stefan to turn off his emotions. After all, you would think a non-emotional guy would be kind of robotic, stiff . . . etc.
But Ripper Stefan, actually seems MORE “humanly” at ease with himself than Old Stefan. He SMILES. He LAUGHS. He FLIRTS. He takes joy in other people’s suffering. He cares about Elena, in a sort of weird, and oddly detached way.
In fact, I’m starting to think that maybe, instead of compelling Stefan to turn off his emotions, Klaus accidentally compelled Stefan to believe he was Pilot Episode Damon. This would actually make a lot more sense, under the circumstances. Don’t you think?
Then again, we HAVE seen Stefan at least partially resist compulsion before. So, perhaps, Stefan’s tiny little tiptoes into humanity are meant to represent examples of THAT . . .
Whatever it is, Damon’s and Stefan’s discussion of it, is interrupted by the arrival of a very special guest . . .
Barbie Klaus Gets a New Dream House
“Hello, I was going door-to-door, and was wondering if you had any interest in purchasing a Bible?”
Don’t get me wrong, I love that Damon refers to Rebekah as Barbie Klaus or Klaus Barbie. (Buy her at a store near you. Fangs, coffin, and Naptime Stomach Dagger, each sold separately . . .)
I even love that she’s staying at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (provided she NEVER . . . EVER cockblocks my Delena, of course).
Still, I can’t help but wonder how she managed to ENTER the house to begin with, considering that it currently belongs to Elena, who has yet to actually invite her inside.
Remember, back last season, when Elena de-staked Elijah, and he was practically BLOWN outside of the house, due to his never having been invited in? NO? Well, don’t worry too much about it. Because, apparently, the writers don’t either . . .
Dead Girls Do It Better
The students at Mystic Falls High will inevitably begin to wonder whether there is a schizophrenia epidemic in town, especially considering that BOTH Jeremy and Matt seem to have developed a habit of talking to themselves in embarrassingly public places. Well . . . Matt talks to Vicki in public places. Jeremy talks to Anna in the Men’s Room, which is wrong on so many levels, I can’t even begin to describe them . . .
“So, THIS is what a men’s room looks like. Centuries old, and I’ve never seen the inside of one before. GO figure!”
Matt and Vicki drive together to school. And then proceed to reminisce in the parking lot about, how much fun school was, last year, back when, you know, Vicki was still alive, and not a vampire, but rather, an incredibly slutty drug addict, with crushingly low self-esteem, and a horrible case of crabs.
But hey! At least you were a really good dancer!
Good times! Things are significantly chillier INSIDE the school, where Bonnie is nagging Jeremy, about spending more time with Ghost Anna, than he spends with HER.
You know, Bonnie, when your boyfriend would rather have conversations with the AIR in public bathrooms, rather than hang out with you, that’s a REALLY good sign that . . .
. . . oh yeah, and that he’s a TOTAL WACKADOODLE . . .
As Jeremy leaves Bonnie to undoubtedly head back to the urinals, so that he can hit on his mistress in a more romantic setting, a very pissy (See what I did there?) Bonnie undoubtedly begins to ponder whether she has the power to give a ghost one of her Trademark Headaches.
“You’ll pay for this, Casper the Friendly Slut!”
Speaking of Trademark Witch Moves, I’m sure I’m not the only one that notices that Bonnie’s nose hasn’t bled ALL SEASON. I wonder what changed?
She finally kicked the coke habit.
Meanwhile, inside a creepy little tomb located conveniently nearby . . .
Why some Coffins Come Equipped with Snooze Alarms . . .
“Come on Baby! Open your mouth . . . here comes the choo choo train.”
Last week, when Katherine and Jeremy lifted up the lid on Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael’s coffin, we all ASSUMED he’d stay awake. But apparently, Grouchy Mike just rolled over, and went back to bed. A frustrated Katherine tried everything to get Michael to chow down. She brought him men, women, animals, and rodents.
But the dude just kept GOING BACK TO SLEEP! The nerve! No wonder Katherine had no time for her ex-boyfriend’s phone calls!
Can you blame her? (Because I can!)
Finally, Katherine drips fresh blood from a human male directly into Michael’s open mouth. This seems to do the trick. As it turns out, all baby wanted was to be FORCE FED, after all. Or was it?
Back at school . . .
AP History Never Looked So Good
It just occurred to me, that a good portion of the past two episodes, has taken place in the bathroom . . . symbolism?
When an oddly giddy Tyler shows up at school with blood on his shirt, Caroline pulls him into the bathroom to frustratedly lecture him to keep a low profile, given the whole Hybrid Thing. (Part of me hoped that Caroline would rip Tyler’s shirt right off of him, so that she could, at least, put some stain stick on the blood mark, but no such luck.)
“I’m way too cool to care about little insignificant things like blood stains.”
Caroline is furious with Tyler, when she finds out he’s been accepting blood bag gifts from the Evil Rebekah. What’s worse, he actually seems PROUD of receiving the distinction of being Klaus’ First B*tch.
“I Heart the Original Werevamp.”
Poor Tyler! Clearly, he hasn’t read the memos that require him to be Self Loathing, and think of his magical powers as a BURDENSOME CURSE, even though they are TOTALLY AWESOME. That’s what happens when you join the Scooby Gang a year late, I guess . . .
“You wouldn’t happen to be wearing that sexy red underwear I found in your drawers, last week, are you? Because when I went to look through your underwear drawer this morning . . . umm . . . to do laundry . . . it wasn’t there.”
The phone rings. It’s Damon, for Elena. He’s decided to warn her that Rebekah a.k.a. Klaus Barbie is now currently staying in the house that SHE owns, without paying rent . . . oops. Elena immediately asks after Stefan, causing Damon the Issue Avoider to hang up on Elena in the most clever way he knows how. “Ring, RING . . . Oooh . . . is that the bell. You don’t want to be late!”
“Damn you, Damon! I am so not letting you eye f*&k me, or invade my personal space tonight. You’ll be sorry!”
Yeah . . . Damon REALLY needs to work on his sound effects. His school bell left much to be desired . . .
As for Stefan, Damon really shouldn’t have avoided Elena’s question. If he hadn’t Elena might not have been as shocked by Stefan’s sudden reappearance in the halls of Mystic Falls High, as she was initially.
“Now, you are cheating on Klaus with Alaric, Stefan? When did you become such a slut?”
Yep . . . apparently, the inimitable
Pilot Episode Damon Ripper Stefan has apparently decided to re-enroll in school, so that he could “keep Elena safe.” (Dammit! Why can’t I have my own sexy, Secret Service Vampire Detail?)
Look on the bright side, Elena. Ripper Stefan is an excellent person to cheat off of, when you have your inevitable Civil War Exam.
Ripper Stefan roughs up former
pal acquaintence Alaric a bit, just to show that he means business. Then he joins Elena, Caroline, and Tyler in Alaric’s AP History class. (Wait . . . Tyler, Caroline, and Elena are ALL in Advanced Placement History? I guess Elena’s appearance there makes some sense, but I never particularly considered Tyler to be much of intellectual power house.
Oops . . . Sorry Tyler. I’m sure you’re very intelligent. (Please don’t eat me.)
Did you? Oh, did I mention that Rebekah is taking this class too?
The future Mrs. Saltzman?
I didn’t? Well . . . consider it mentioned.
Vampire Barbie versus Barbie Klaus
It’s odd how, even though Rebekah is back in Mystic Falls on Klaus’ orders, she seems to have somehow developed her own agenda. And that agenda has a name: Tyler Lockwood. Apparently, Rebekah wants to obtain Tyler by Single White Femal-ing Caroline, all around school.
“The easiest way to become head cheerleader is to eat the rest of the squad . . . It would make getting into pyramid formation difficult, though.”
Rebekah didn’t look at all out of place as part of the cheerleading squad. And I couldn’t help but wonder, how she managed to master all those complex gymnastics. I didn’t know girls DID gymnastics, back in the 20’s, did you? Perhaps, it’s a vampire thing . . .
Anywhoo, Tyler’s obvious sexual appreciation of Rebekah’s BODY of WORK . . .
“I wasn’t aware one’s legs can wrap themselves around their head, in that way . . . imagine the possibilities.”
. . . along with his unethical (but awesome) decision to compel his coach to end football practice early, only serve to get Caroline to nag at him even harder than before.
“You also REALLY like my dew rag, and want to get one just like it for yourself.”
Better watch your step Caroline, because where I come from NAGGING boys is the fastest way to scare them away . . .
But NOTHING will scare Stefan away. He creepily falls inline along side Elena, as she heads for a leisurely run around the track. (I guess she’s not a cheerleader, anymore?) Then, just to show what a chivalrous guy he is, Stefan BEATS THE CRAP OUT OF SOME DUDE WHO HAS THE NERVE TO RUN NEAR ELENA.
(Now, that’s love!)
Well . . . maybe . . . Stefan does inform Elena that she is the Human Blood Bag Klaus needs him to protect. Human Blood Bag . . . not exactly a “term of endearment” among the ladies . . .
Guess which one is Elena?
Note to Stefan: Stay away from nicknames. You will never be as good at coming up with them as your brother is. Sawyer from Lost, you are most certainly not . . .
Some Lessons Come from the Heart (Others Come from Just Under Your Boob)
While I LOVE that Damon took the opportunity to get to the “heart” of the matter, by fondling Elena’s breasts, how much more AWESOME would this scene have been, if Damon told Elena that the way to a vampire’s heart was between his legs? 😉
After her literal, run-in with Stefan, a pouty Elena calls Damon again, and begs him to come to school, and stop by the gym. When he arrives, Damon’s just oozing charm over, thrilled that the object of his affection has asked for his help. Damon . . . now HERE’S a guy who’s great with nicnknames! While jokingly adding a little extra pressure to the barbell Elena is bench pressing, he calls her Buffy.
Then again, when she admits to wanting to lock Stefan up, he refers to her as Warrior Princess. Classy!
At first, Damon is a bit skeptical of the idea of locking up Stefan. After all, he’s not just supposedly emotion free, he’s also high on human blood, which means he’s not going to come back to himself any time soon. But then Elena trains her puppy dog eyes on Damon, and all bets are officially off. “Do it for me,” she pleads. “Because every time I see him, I feel like I’m going to break, and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.”
And THIS is when DAMON (who has killed PLENTY a vampire in his day) decides to give Elena HIS first lesson in
Seduction of Elena Vampire Slaying 101. First, Damon puts Elena’s hand on his warm chest, showing her that his sternum is solid, and that no heartbeat can be found there.
“Squeeze my nipple. Do it. I dare you!”
As if THAT wasn’t erotic enough, Damon shows Elena the TRUE route to a vampire’s heart, by pulling her back against his chest, and running his hand along the length of the side of her skin. The spinal column . . . that is apparently where a vampire’s “heart” is. Who knew?
Damon’s touch has an immediate effect on Elena, and she shivers with arousal, while, at the same time, instinctively leaning back towards Damon, so that she can experience this more deeply.
Damon obliges by casually blowing on her neck, and bringing her face toward his, so that she is forced to look deeply into his eyes. “Do whatever it is you need to do,” he says, in a husky turned on voice, that is almost a whisper. “Because no one is going to hurt you, least of all my brother.”
OK . . . so, I may have made a few (a lot) of inappropriate noises during this scene. Can you blame me? These two are absolutely ON FIRE!
It’s a shame they have to ruin the beauty of this moment, with their lousy Stefan-napping plans. (Though, in their defense, this one goes a bit better than most . . .)
Oh No, Not Another AWFUL PLAN!
“Why don’t we skip to the part, where Elena almost dies, and has to be rescued by a Salvatore . . .”
After Elena’s cooled off from her workout, the Scooby Gang meets in Alaric’s classroom, to run through their dastardly plan. Here’s how it goes, Elena lures Stefan into a vulnerable position, while Alaric darts him with vervain. Then, together, Alaric and Elena drag Stefan to the dungeon, where Papa Forbes once held Caroline. Meanwhile, Damon hits on Rebekah to keep her from getting suspicious, while Tyler confirms the crew’s vervain supply.
But wait . . . Tyler doesn’t want to help, because this wouldn’t be what KLAUS wants. All the sudden, Tyler has this big fat juicy crush on Klaus, and it’s making him act like his little minion.
“Nothing you can say, can tear me away from MY VAMP!”
So, Damon knocks him out, explaining that Tyler’s got “sire’s disease,” also known as a built-in loyalty to the person that turned him into a vampire. The loyalty relationship between progeny and maker, is something we heard a lot about in shows like True Blood. But this is the first we are hearing of the concept, here.
Nonetheless, if “sire’s disease” is a unique characteristic of hybrids, Klaus is just going to apeshit with happiness, when he learns about it, since an obedient hybrid army, has always been his lifelong dream.
You know, it does make sense that werewolves would be more likely than your average human turned vampire to exhibit this disease, particularly given the fact that werewolves are that much more prone to comraderie and pack mentality, than the average human being.
“I can’t give up all this great sex, just because my boyfriend is now Satan’s puppy! That would be so shallow of me!”
A worried Caroline wonders how to “cure” her formerly broody beau’s new devastating man crush, but Damon fears there is no cure. “Get yourself another boyfriend,” he instructs. (I guess we can cross Damon off of our Team Forwood Christmas List, then.)
With everyone in on the plan, it’s time to go to the Back to School Bonfire, and put it into action . . .
Oh, look! The Dead Chick’s Got Plans Too!
“I think I liked you better when you were dead.”
But Elena isn’t the only one with a plan, Vicki has one too. And it involves Matt (or “Matty” as she annoyingly refers to him) cutting his hand, and talking to candles, so that Ghost Vicki can lead a more-active haunting lifestyle. Basically, Vicki has a powerful dead witch (the Original Witch) on her side to instruct her just how this should be done. Matt stupidly complies with this request, though I’m honestly not sure, where he got all the candles.
Sure enough, the plan works, and Vicki is able to touch her brother, and be touched by him. Now, that just sounds GROSS! You know what else is GROSS? The rest of Vicki’s plan.
Apparently, Matt signed on the dotted line, before reading the “fine print.” That fine print is what Vicki has to do, at least according to the Original Witch, to STAY alive in Mystic Falls. As it turns out, she is going to have to . . . wait for it . . . KILL ELENA, a.k.a. Hybrid Bloodbag.
Jealous Elena + Drunk Elena + Flying Elena = FUN ELENA!
“Raise your glass, if you could possibly get killed tonight.”
This year’s bonfire is WAY more fun than last years, during which we spent most of it watching Elena and Stefan babble on about their FEELINGS. This time around, we get to watch Damon flirt shamelessly with Rebekah, and feed her smores, as Elena looks on, pouting, clearly jealous.
“Mmmmm . . . white and creamy . . . kind of reminds me of something else.”
We haven’t seen Elena show signs of jealousy, since Andie (R.I.P.) hit on Damon, back in “Daddy Issues.”
And the fact that Damon doesn’t USE Elena’s obvious jealousy to manipulate her more, simply because he CAN, illustrates just how far he has come, since the pilot episode (more on that later). Even Stefan picks up on Elena’s jealousy, and obvious attraction to Stefan, with a mixture of wry amusement, and friendly teasing.
“I hope that marshmallow she’s eating goes straight to her hips.”
“What’s that look?” Stefan snarks. “Sure . . . be jealous . . . I’m sure my brother will love it.”
Needless to say, I suspect the NON-RIPPER Stefan wouldn’t be quite so understanding of Elena’s attraction to his brother. Jealousy aside, Elena continues to play her part, drinking like a fish, and, at least partially faking inebriation to an increasingly watchful Stefan, who genuinely seems to be enjoying himself here.
Ripper Stefan would TOTALLY hit that!
Is it weird that I REALLY like this incarnation of Stefan? Now, granted, maybe it’s because he reminds me so much of Damon, but he’s pretty hot!)
We reach our climax (in more ways than one), when Elena pretends to get SO drunk, that she falls from the high rise bleachers, outside the school, forcing Stefan to catch her, and keep her alive, as he’s been compelled to do.
“I knew you’d catch me,” Elena says breathily, as Stefan eyes her closely, a bit surprised by the intensity of feeling he’s having for a woman he supposedly could care less about.
It’s written all over his face. And it’s VERY sexy, though admittedly, not as sexy as Damon’s boob fondle from earlier in the episode . . . 😉
*sniffs* “Ooh . . . someone had garlic for dinner.”
Alaric then vervain darts Stefan . . .
He shoots, he SCORES!
. . . and approaches Elena, so the pair can drag his unconscious body into Alaric’s car. “Are you OK? You look . . . uh . . . not sober,” remarks Alaric, to a clearly shaken Elena.
That’s OK . . . Alaric didn’t really like that car anyway!
Umm . . . Nationwide is on your side?
But Elena’s going to wish she was drunker, in just a few minutes. Because after the pair put Stefan in the back of the car, and Elena gets in, Vicki makes her move, by SETTING ALARIC’S CAR ON FIRE, and locking the doors, so that Alaric can’t get in to rescue her.
“Serves you right for dumping my brother, b*tch!”
A frantic Elena, turn to STEFAN, of all people, to help her, and he helps to kick out the back door, but promptly passes out again, before he can go any further . . .
“Sorry, about the whole vervain dart thing. Could I make it up to you, by letting you rescue me for the 85,000th time?”
Not to worry, witchy Bonnie is on her way. She has just finished having a WHINY conversation with her soon-to-be ex boyfriend Jeremy, and HIS soon-to-be new ghost girlfrien Anna, when Matt calls, telling Bonnie that, once again, he has done something VERY STUPID.
“Please Lord, don’t let my nose start bleeding again.”
Cue the candles, and more hand cutting, and more hand holding. Together, Bonnie and Matt manage to beam Vicki away from Elena. Then a tearful Matt has to go and send his own mildly evil sister back to the great beyond. Sucks to be him! Meanwhile, Elena drags an unconscious Stefan out of the car and dashes to safety with Alaric, just seconds before the car COMPLETELY EXPLODES.
Oops! I do hope he has good insurance. . .
Klaus has great taste in pets.
In other, completely unrelated, news, Tyler tells Caroline that he doesn’t want Klaus to turn him back into his Season 1 Douchey self. After all, everything he likes about himself
aside from the massive size of his weiner, of course comes from Caroline. (All together now . . . AWW!)
As “mad” as Caroline was at Tyler just a few moments earlier, within mere minutes, the pair is half naked, and happily humping one another’s legs (among other things). I love how, no matter what is happening in a given episode, you can always count on at least one Forwood Soft Core Porn scene. (Damon and Elena, TAKE NOTE!)
Unfortunately, Caroline and Tyler don’t have sex, in this episode, because she wants to teach him a lesson, regarding the whole “Gay for Klaus” thing.
I suspect Caroline will eventually come to regret leaving Tyler alone, half naked, with a sexy blanket around his crotch, for a number of reasons. The most prominent of these is that Rebekah arrives soon thereafter, with a human for Tyler to drink . . . his very first taste of human blood, straight from the source.
“Bon-Appetite, Fido . . . er, I mean, Tyler!”
It’s like Tyler is the biblical Adam, Rebekah is the serpent, and this soon-to-be dead girl is the forbidden fruit.
My what big teeth you have, Tyler!
The pair gnaw on the poor woman together, in a scene that’s oddly reminiscent of the one, during which Stefan and Rebekah first met, back in the 20’s. Rebekah gets Tyler to do this, by preying on his “Gay for Klaus-ness,” “Klaus wants you to indulge in all the best that life has to offer,” she tells him . . .
So generous . . . that Klaus.
Yes, Tyler, drinking blood bags is SO last season, cannibalism, is obviously where it is at, right now . . .
Taking S& M a bit too far . . .
Speaking of cannibalism, Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael is not at ALL happy that Katherine woke him, by forcing him to drink human blood. As it turns out, like Season 1 Stefan, Michael hasn’t feasted on human blood in years. But he doesn’t seem to drink bunnies, like Stefan used to, either . . . Weird.
No matter . . . Michael is up now, and he’s ready to comply with Katherine’s request, by killing Klaus. But first, Michael needs to eat HIS choice of food . . . VAMPIRE KATHERINE.
That’s right, boys and girls, a vampire hunter that EATS OTHER VAMPIRES . . . It doesn’t get that much more self-loathing than that.
“500 + is too young to die!”
So, is Katherine dead? Man, I hope not! I’d like to think that Michael, who’s been out of commission for a while now, still needs Katherine alive to lead him to Klaus. Either way, it looks Elena isn’t the only member of the Petrova Doppelganger family who’s destined to be a Breathing Blood Bag . . .
Back at the Gilbert household . . .
Handgasm . . . the Sequel
Please, let’s see this AGAIN!
Jeremy is on the phone with Bonnie, fighting about Anna, and yet Anna is still around. (Haha! Sorry Bonnie! You’ve been REPLACED! AGAIN!) Jeremy assumes that this is because
he is WAY more attracted to sweet, hot Anna than judgy, whiny, nose bleedy Bonnie he is incapable of NOT thinking about Anna.
But, as it turns out, it may be something more “supernatural” than that. Because when Anna reaches out to touch Jeremy, just as she did the first time she appeared, not only can he feel HER. Now, SHE can feel him . . .
In short, boys and girls, IT’S ALIVE!!!
Elena Gilbert, you are my hero! (And I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THAT.)
Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, an unusually chivalrous Damon, helps
put cover-up on Elena’s zits anesthetize the burn wound on Elena’s face. Still jealous, Elena notes, much less subtly, than I’m sure she intended, just how cozy Damon was looking with Rebekah, during the bonfire. “You played your part well,” she says poutily.
“This concealer will really minimize your pores.”
This causes Damon to remark on Elena’s so-called drunkenness. “I thought you were too drunk to notice, he says, wryly.”
“I was faking most of it,” she explains.
Now, while OLD DAMON would have most certainly rejoiced in the opportunity to rub his non-relationship with Rebekah in Elena’s face, NEW DAMON simply puts his face close to Elena’s, so that their lips are almost touching, and whispers seductively, “So was I.”
Oh, lord, someone get me a fan! I think they are going to kiss . . . I really think they are going to do it this time . . .
So, of course, count on Professor Alaric Cockblock to come in and spoil the moment . . . AGAIN.
*sigh* Better luck next time, Delena fans. Apparently, they are going to drag this relationship out to EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL LENGTHS, before giving us any sort of release. We’re getting pretty darn close though, you must admit . . .
True . . . but it kind of sucks for you too.
Alaric then has a conversation with Ripper Stefan, that reminds me a heck of a lot, of the one Damon and Stefan had with one another, during “The Last Dance.” Not surprisingly, though, given Stefan’s recent incarnation as Pilot Episode Damon, Stefan reads DAMON’S lines, while Alaric plays the role of OLD Stefan. Here, Stefan notes that as much as he’s become a Cocky Ripper Douche, he’s still highly adept at keeping Elena safe, and has been compelled to do that, at all costs.
Therefore, Alaric should think twice about eliminating Elena’s bodyguard from the picture. Alaric says nothing, in response. But it is obvious, based on his facial expression, that he reluctantly agrees with this sentiment. Cue Elena’s entrance. A thoughtful Stefan wonders out loud, why Elena saved his life, when this seemed a perfect opportunity to let him die.
“Do you REALLY want to hear me make the speech again?”
So, Elena starts speechifying again, about how much she loves him, and still has hope that he’s going to become Old Stefan again, and, blah, blah, blah. But just when you think Stefan is going to appear touched by Elena’s sentiment, he utters THIS REMARK: “Elena, do you have any idea how pathetic this makes you?’
Oooh . . . OUCH!
Pilot Episode Damon Ripper Stefan sure knows how to make the crippling zingers stick.
But her’s something new, Elena STAKES STEFAN, using her trusty wrist vervain darts, to which we were introduced at the beginning of the episode. “No, Stefan, it makes me strong,” she says triumphantly, as she stalks out.
“That turned me on a little bit, Elena. Hey. . . wanna play Twister with me?”
I think my favorite part of the scene, was the content and impressed look on Alaric’s face, as he watched Elena do this. It ALMOST made me forgive him, for being so pissy and judgmental with Damon, lately. Almost . . .
Speaking of Team Bad Ass, Elena tries to convince Alaric and Damon to kiss and make up, after the whole, “Damon KILLED Alaric” thing! Another reason why Elena is my hero.
My only qualm with the scene was that DAMON, himself, wasn’t there to witness it. Something tells me, he would be SUPER proud of his girl Elena, if he saw that. Not to mention, EXTREMELY turned on . . .
Speaking of Damon . . .
Anybody got the number for Ghostbusters?
In the final scene of the episode, we find him randomly rolling up some old fusty rug, when a vase shatters near his head. As he goes to pick up the pieces, some force flips him on his back. It’s . . . wait for it . . . Ghost Mason. And he looks positively evil (not to mention, super hot), when he grins at Damon, and tells him, “This is going to be fun.”
Payback’s a b*tch, or should I say . . . a wolf.
Well . . fun for HIM, anyway . . . Apparently, Vicki and Anna weren’t the only ghosts to have crossed over during Bonnie’s Send Vicki Back to Purgatory Spell. Nice going, Bon-Bon!
And that was “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” in a nutshell. Be sure to tune in next week, when
Lady Gaga’s Boyfriend Uncle Werewolf practices some more S&M on poor Damon, and fan favorite Lexie tries her own brand of aversion training on Ripper Stefan. You can check out the American trailer for the episiode here:
And the Canadian one here:
So, now it’s your turn, Fangbangers! What did you think of “Smells Like Teen Spirit?” Is Katherine really dead? How long until Damon and Elena FINALLY get it on? Are you grudgingly enjoying the renewed sexual tension between “Bad” Stefan and Elena, as much as I am?
“I’m slowly winning you over, one evil deed at a time.”
Do you wish Elena would either get drunk, or wear her hair in a ponytail more often? Will Tyler and Caroline continue their “winning” streak of humping during each episode, even though Tyler is now Gay for Klaus? And finally, which Ghosts of TVD’s past would you most like to see on YOUR TV screens next week?
Until next time . . .