Boot and Rally, Fangbangers! It’s the mantra of champion partiers the world over. After all, everyone knows that the harder you party, the greater the chance that your “fun” is going to come back and haunt you . . . one way or the other.
But the strong among us are the ones that can take a beating, dust ourselves off (rinse out our mouths, if necessary), and head right back out on the proverbial dance floor to do it all over again.
At least, I call that strong. Others might call that stupidity . . . or alcoholism . . . whatever.
Anyway, this week’s episode of True Blood was all about the various ways in which people’s past can come back to haunt them. It also explored how some of our favorite (and a few of our not-so- favorite) characters coped with these “haunting” experiences.
But enough philosophizing, let’s boot and rally on to another TB-cap!
REVENGE of the Orange Marzipan
When we last left our heroine Sookie Stackhouse, she was grinding her ridiculously drunk ass all over Alcide man candy, and cleaning his werewolf fangs with her tongue.
Meanwhile, Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo Bill and Eric stood outside Sookie’s window . . . watching. (Quality Vampire Porn must be real hard to come by in Bon Temps, if even the King of Louisiana has to improvise.)
Eventually, Sookie and Alcide decide to move this party upstairs. Sookie hitches a ride on Alcide’s massive torso, and up to the bedroom they go!
Now, whether or not you’re a fan of Sookie and Alcide as a couple, you have to admit, this scene was pretty f*&king awesome. There were grunts, groans, grinds, and kisses from both parties, and Alcide did this thing with his belt that had to be the best free advertisement for the Magic Mike movie I’ve ever seen.
Then, Alcide whispers in Sookie’s ear that he’s “waited so long for this.” And really, what girl doesn’t want to hear that, pre-coitus?
Sookie’s response? Let’s just say it was explosive . . .
And now for the super slow-mo instant replay . . .
Oh, it’s SO over! Eric and Bill are upstairs in a flash, for the post-game wrap up.
Alcide thought he was getting laid tonight. Instead, he got a pair of shoes that will match nicely with a pair of khakis, if he ever decides to wear them . . . (Alcide always seemed like more of a jeans and flannel guy to me.)
Downstairs in the kitchen, a still drunk Sookie is just finding it absolutely hilarious that her two ex-boyfriends have interrupted her sexcapades for yet another Vampire Investigation Mission.
She’s game, though! Talk about a boot and rally. Sookie’s so eager to get started on her mission, she can’t even be bothered to properly open her front door!
(I almost forgot that Tara broke that last week. I wonder if Sookie’s homeowner’s insurance policy covers “Vampire Temper Tantrums” . . .)
Meanwhile, in some random bunker . . .
REVENGE of the . . . um . . . Evil Fire Thingy?
Terry and Noel from Felicity have been tied up by their wackjob comrade, who keeps babbling on and on about something called a “lfrite.” Apparently, it’s like this Vengeance Fire Demon or something. Wackjob Comrade says the “lfrite” is out to get Terry and his buddies, because of all those people they torched during the war. Personally, I’m kind of hoping the lfrite goes ahead and takes vengeance on this lame storyline, by burning it to the ground. But for now, it just takes Wackjob Comrade, while Terry and Noel from Felicity live to “lfrite” another day . . .
In other news . . .
REVENGE of . . . Jesus’ Head?
Lafayette is sad, because that weird party mask from last season, keeps making him do BAAAAD things, like almost put bleach in the soup at Bon Temps, and cut the breaks on Sookie’s car. (Quite the kidder, that Weird Party Mask!)
So, Lafayette does what many people would do in this situation. He prays to Jesus . . .
. . . well, not THAT Jesus . . . although he was standing in front of a statue of HIM when he said the prayer. THIS Jesus . . .
You know, the one Lafayette sort of / kind of killed last season, while under the influence of yet another dark force? “Show me a sign that you hear me!” Lafayette pleads.
Jesus does his former beau one better. He gives him head . . . literally.
Now, that’s what I call a good boyfriend!
REVENGE of . . . that Annoying Authority Storyline
In the immortal words of Vampire Pam, “Blah, blah, blah . . . Blood of Lilith, Blah.”
Christopher Meloni is trying to rally his troops against the imminent uprising of the Sanguinistas, who may or may not be led by Eric’s hot but crazy sister, Nora, who’s spent the past three episodes or so, doing nothing but rocking back and forth on her knees, screaming and curling up in a fetal position.
(The character had such a promising start too!)
But personally, my money is on Salome being the REAL woman behind the rebellion / freeing Russell from his cement jail cell.
My favorite part of this whole Authority Storyline was when Mac from Veronica Mars called Bill and Eric to tell them she had activated the blow-up device on their leather S&M jock straps.
Why was that my favorite? Because Mac from Veronica Mars is funny, and so are leather S&M jock straps, at least I think they are . . .
REVENGE of the Shapeshifter Haters with the Funny Masks
Ruh-roh, Scooby Doo! There appears to be a gang of Supernatural Creature Killers on the loose, who keep offing all of Sam’s shifter buddies! (Man! Sam’s pals and f*&k buddies just seem to drop like flies, every single season. Remind me to un-friend him on Facebook . . .)
Back in Season 1, we didn’t get to find out who the serial killer was, until the second-to-last episode.
But this time around, these chumps are driving around out in the open with their stupid masks, like it’s friggin Mardis Gras. They shoot both Luna and Sam, as a petrified Emma shifts into a baby wolf and skitters away. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Luna’s dead and Sam’s not . . . which means Sam’s probably going to adopt Emma, which means a lot more screen time for the child actress. But hey, at least wolf girl is better than that vampire kid, right?
Anything is better than that vampire kid . . .
REVENGE of Fangbanging Hoyt
One thing True Blood has always been missing is evidence of solid girl bonding. I mean sure, Sookie and Tara were “best friends.” But lets face it, they spent half of the screen time they spent together, crying, yelling and screaming, usually at one another.
After all, Tara isn’t exactly the kind of girlfriend you invite over for to watch a Ryan Gosling Movie Marathon, talk about boys, and dance around the room with, while you’re singing into your hairbrush.
But Vampire Jess is definitely that kind of girl, which was why it was so cool to see her take Tara under her wing, and show her all the awesome things the vampire world has to offer.
And wouldn’t you know it, girlfriend even made Tara crack a smile or too, which is probably the most shocking thing I’ve seen in four plus seasons of True Blood.
Then, stupid Hoyt had to go f*&k everything up with his lame 80’s rocker clothes, and new-found fangbanging ways. Damn, The Man! Remember back when this was a REALLY likeable character?
That seems like ages ago, now! Mama Fortenberry would definitely not approve!
Thank you, Fairies, for making Jason naked again . . .
. . . and for that weird (but oddly captivating) dream sequence where he wore He-man footy pajamas, and his mom told him to go get a blow job, because it “always makes him feel better.”
You are officially, my heroes!
Speaking of naked, Andy Bellefleur spent a second episode of the season in his birthday suit, thereby making him officially nude more than ERIC NORTHMAN, this season.
Not cool . . . Alan Ball . . . not cool at all . . .
And the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .
The Return of Russell Edgington!
With the help of an extra large coffee and some Nutter Butters, Hangover! Sookie successfully un-glamored Alcide’s employee, simply by holding and fondling his hand a few times. Now, that’s impressive (as were the hilariously petrified expressions the guy was making throughout the entire episode — LOVED HIM)! Somehow or other this brings Sookie (her HAREM of men in tow) to the creepy old abandoned insane asylum where Russell Edgington has been biding his time, while his burnt up nasty face reforms. The endless buffet of human shishkabobs certainly doesn’t hurt.
The episode ends with a final triumphant showdown between Big Bad Russell (who’s still looking a bit too feeble old mannish to be believable as genuine threat) . . .
. . . and one delicious Viking Vamp.
Vampire Househusbands of Bon Temps – The Reunion Special
Color me intrigued! Until next time, Fangbangers!