Uh oh, Fangbangers! Don’t mess with the Sookster! Because, if you do, you might just end up with a stake in your heart, a cap in your ass, a face full of glow fingers, or a piece of your brain flapping in the wind. (Sorry Tara!)
For all you folks who’ve been super pissed about this whole “Everybody Loves Sookie” theme that’s been a resounding refrain on this show since season one . . .
. . .this was the episode for you!
Sookie sure wasn’t feeling the love this week . . . with everyone from Lafayette, to Holly, to that random extra sitting in the back booth at Merlotte’s giving her Bon Temps Death Stare.
Of course, there was one notable exception . . .
Yes, TB fans, after two seasons of unrequited sexual tension, Alcide Herveaux and Sookie Stackhouse finally swapped some heavily alcohol-laced spit, just a hop skip and a jump away from the spot where the former’s trailer trash ex was turned into wolf kibble. Ain’t that sweet?
In other news, they FINALLY killed off that darn kid . . . Yeah, I said it.
Let’s review, shall we?
Tanning BAAAAD, Blood GOOOOD!
Those of you who were secretly hoping that Vampire Tara would meet her maker, Jersey Shore style, were probably a bit disappointed, when Pam not only rescued her progeny from the Evil Tanning Bed, but forbid her from using it again. (I guess she will have to find more creative ways to try and off herself now.)
That said, considering how much pride Vampire Pam takes in her relationship with her Maker (more on that later) . . .
. . . it was kind of nice to see the tough-as-stakes blonde take her “parenting” responsibility seriously. Not only did Pam teach Tara how to feed without killing, she also helped her to hate herself just a little less, and gave her some fashion tips to boot!
Now, that’s what I call a good mom!
Of course, teaching Tara not to hate herself, may have had the unintended effect of making Tara hate Sookie more. And she’s in good company, in that regard . . .
Everybody HATES(?) Sookie (especially that Demon Head thing)
Now, Lafayette, my Laffy Taffy. Most of the time, you and I see eye-to-eye on things.
But even I have to say, you’ve been acting like a total Turd Ball to Sookie . . . blaming her for Tara’s vampirism, when the whole “turning” thing was 100% your idea first . . .
What’s worse, from the mean, nasty thoughts everyone was thinking about the bustiest Stackhouse at Merlottes, your “Sookie Sucks” mentality just might be contagious.
And don’t get me started on that weird Demon Head Halloween mask you like to wear sometimes for sh*ts and giggles. What the f*&k is up with that?
Whatever it is, it screwed up the brakes on Sookie’s car, and almost left her brain flapping in the wind, Tara Thornton style . . .
. . . almost . . . but not quite.
Of course, not all “hated” characters will make it out of this episode alive . . .
OMG! You killed that annoying vampire kid. You
Let me start by saying that there are a lot of really great child actors in this world . . . like Sally Draper on Mad Men . . . and that kid from Modern Family, and pretty much every pre-pubescent on Game of Thrones.
That little vampire kid . . . who I’m sure is a really nice guy in real life . . . just isn’t one of them.
I mean, sure, he looked the part . . . all cute, blonde, and well dressed. In fact, if he never opened his mouth, he’d be an awesome vampire. I’m certain of it. Plus, I think, if I was forced to be ten-years old for all eternity, I’d probably be pretty loud and whiny about it too.
But there was just something about the way “Alexander” delivered his lines each week, that just made fans say, “Stake that b*tch.”
And so, when Christopher Meloni learned from Eric’s hot sister that there was a traitor among them . . . one with blonde hair, baby teeth, and a super screechy voice, that’s exactly what he did . . .
BRAVO! Er . . . I mean . . . awwww . . . he was just a kid . . . that’s sad.
Meanwhile, in Terry’s boring storyline news . . .
PTSD 2: Electric Boogaloo
Noel from Felicity and Terry go on a rather lame road trip, to find their former comrade, who once shot up some civilians, because they looked at him funny.
Long story short . . . they find him . . . He paints creepy pictures . . . and looks like he hasn’t taken a shower since Desert Storm. Needless to say, unlike Noel from Felicity, whose hot, and looks like he could sell you insurance, Arlene probably wouldn’t be so quick to invite this guy home for a dinner with the “Fam.”
In which Eric and Pam make us ugly cry . . .
Oh, Eric Northman! It’s a good thing you’re so pretty.
Because like Lafayette, you also treaded dangerously close to Turd Ball territory, at the beginning of this episode. Suffice it to say that accusing Vampire Pam, your own flesh and blood . . . literally . . . of betraying you and releasing Big Bad Russell Edgington onto an unsuspecting populace was most definitely not your finest hour.
That said, you did earn some of that debonair Viking Vamp mojo back, when you made the ultimate personal sacrifice to save your progeny, even though that meant renouncing the most sacred bond between maker and made.
“How ya like me now?”
For those of you who did not get even the slightest bit teary, when Eric — who, once again, fears his rendezvous with Russell Edgington and the Authority might end up being fatal — told Pam she was destined for greatness, and that she had to live on without him to ensure the vitality of his bloodline . . . well . . . you just might not be human.
The only thing that would have made this scene better would be if Eric was naked during it. But hey, we can’t get everything we want in this world, right?
Or can we?
In which both Alcide and Jess take one for Team Sookie, but only one of them gets rewarded for it . . .
Earlier on in this recap, I noted that almost everyone seemed to hate Sookie this week. Of course, there were some notable exceptions to this rule. The first exception was Vampire Jess who, upon hearing that Sookie wished to turn herself in to Sheriff Andy for killing Trailer Trash Debbie . . .
. . . immediately took the law into her own hands. Like the awesome gal pal she is, Jess followed Jason to Sheriff’s office, and defty compelled Sheriff Andy to forget that Debbie even existed. Pretty awesome huh?
Of course, Jessica’s compulsion tactics would not have been nearly as effective had Debbie’s grieving parents already called off the search. And why did they do that you ask? Because sweet ole lovelorn Alcide blamed the whole thing on already dead packmaster Marcus, which is kind of perfect, when you think about it . . .
Yeah . . . you go ahead and tell them you didn’t do it, Tough Guy!
Meanwhile, Sookie, who’s, all in all, had a pretty crappy day, what with being called the Angel of F*&king Death, and almost DYING when her car went all “Christine” on her, and randomly wrapped itself around a tree . . .
. . . has decided to go and get herself good and wasted. That’s my girl!
You know what, Fangbangers? This might have been my favorite scene in the episode. For starters, Sookie’s bar selection is all kinds of awesome. Either girlfriend’s been filching for Merlotte’s, or she’s totally been holding out on us.
And what’s more, for all her whining and ugly cry facing, Sookie is actually kind of an awesome drunk!
She sings her own versions to cheesy songs like “The Pina Colada Song,” while humping the couch.
She also entertains werewolfy guests, whose girlfriends she just murdered, by making them drinks called Orange Marzapan, and telling them, in no uncertain terms, how much they looooooove her.
That’s right, Alcide. You thought you were fooling the mind reader, with your gruff exterior, and unrequited secret were-lust.
But you were wrong! So, now that you’ve been caught, it’s time to put your tongue where your mouth is, and eat that busty fairy’s face. Nom-nom, nom . . .
Oh, and hey, it looks like you have an audience! Poor Beeeel . . . it looks like you aren’t going to be the Knight and Shining Vampire in this fairytale. And now that your ex has moved on to furrier pastures, if you want to force her to help you find Russell, you’re probably going to have to use more than your “charm” to do it. Might I suggest dipping into your daughter’s Mary Jane stash?
Oh, and Eric, you may act like this doesn’t bother you at all.
But you aren’t fooling anyone . . And as many times as you say “F*&k Sookie,” we all know that deep down that’s exactly what you’d like to do . . . again.
Speaking of folks, who are f*&ked . . .
Barak and Hillary – Shapeshifter Edition
Apparently, it’s a bad day to be a shapeshifter, who vaguely resembles a highly regarded political figure. Just ask these two pals of Sam’s who “shifted” into corpses, and will never “turn” again. The question is . . . who killed them? I smell another mystery! Because lord knows, that’s just what this season needs, ANOTHER mystery for Sookie to solve . . .
Speaking of mysteries . . .
Moulin Rouge- Fairy Edition
Why does the Super Secret Fairy Club that the mayor dude took Andy and Jason to visit look like a set from the straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge?
And why did that weird random fairy have glow-sex with Andy in the woods last season? Unfortunately, we have little time to contemplate the answers to the questions, because our two favorite buddy cops stay at Hooligans Fairy Dance club is disappointingly short.
Not long after Jason reunites with his cousin Hadley, who we last saw playing beer-bitch to the ill fated Queen Sophie Anne, he and Andy get their ass glow fingered (that sounds dirty) right out of the club! And all because Jason started asking too many questions about Sookie’s fairy roots, and what really happened to his parents.
Is Sookie really in danger, due to her vampire intoxicating fairy blood? (Isn’t Sookie always in danger?) Could vampires really have murdered the Stackhouses, back in the day? Can a human male get pregnant from glow sex with a fairy?
Unfortunately, these are all questions for another day, and another episode. Until next time, Fangbangers!