“Damn that Julia Roberts! She made it look so easy!”
Howdy Fangbangers! Tonight’s True Blood installment featured a boatload of lovin’, and a monster truckload of CRAZY, to boot. Both were delivered in one truly twisted package by none other than THIS GUY . . .
But “Trouble” wasn’t ALL about Franklin’s disturbing (albeit, at times, oddly humorous) “relationship” with Tara, there were also new flirtations, “sparks” of both a figurative, and a LITERAL (I’m looking at you Sookie Glow Fingers!) nature, betrayals, and, of course, after a WAY TOO LONG hiatus, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse.
We missed you, baby!
So, without further adieu, let’s take our tops off and fall in love. Shall we?
Franklin Mott: Texts Like a Champ, Cries Like a B&tch
“Hey, you would cry too, if they took away YOUR unlimited texting plan!”
When we first see the Object of Franklin’s Obsession, Tara, she’s . . . a little tied up.
Then, in walks Russell and Lorena, having recently finished gorging on that sad, but still skanky, stripper from last week’s episode. But what surprises Tara, more is that BILL is with them . . .
This may surprise Tara, but it doesn’t surprise US at all. After all, WE saw him snacking on the Skank Stew, with our very own eyes, last Sunday. What did surprise me, however, was what PIGGY EATERS these vamps were! Seriously, who over the age of 3 eats like this?
“That stripper was yummy, Mommy!”
Please don’t tell me that the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi and his new Sheriff can’t afford to invest in a pack of wet naps.
Tara pleads for Vampire Bill to rescue her. Unfortunately, Bill cannot engage in any strenuous activity until 30 minutes after he has finished eating, or he gets really bad cramps. So he tells Tara, “No.”
No worries! Franklin has fun plans for his human doll, Tara! And those fun plans involve dressing her in the ugliest, least flattering, wedding dress I have ever seen, and tying her to the bedpost. What fun!
“Hope you brought a bed pan. Because I really have to pee.”
When Lafayette texts Tara to ascertain her whereabouts, Franklin (after making sure Lafayette isn’t a boyfriend of hers) uses the opportunity to display his mad texting skills. “Watch how fast I can type, ‘motherf*cker,”’ he brags, as his vampire fingers go all swirly whirly, like a raver on ecstacy.
Tara seems impressed. She might even clap . . . if her hands weren’t attached to the bed. Later that day, while Franklin sleeps in bed next to her (Don’t vampires sleep in coffins, in this world?), Tara gnaws through her arm restraints (SERIOUSLY? What kind of crazy, gnarly, teeth does this girl have?).
Free at last, she dashes out of the mansion in broad daylight, sprinting across the field, as fast as her legs can carry her. Unfortunately, she’s spotted by the guard dog.
I wish MY guard dog looked like that!
Guard Dog Coot tackles Tara, and starts licking her face . . . Just kidding, only Franklin is allowed to do that.
When Coot returns Tara to “her rightful owner,” Franklin bursts into tears. He’s just bawling like a baby. He can’t understand why, on earth, Tara would possibly want to leave him. Especially after he offered her a VINTAGE dress, and fed her exotic cuisine.
Tastes like Skanky Stripper chicken.
Tara, recognizing that being “nice” to Franklin will earn her more privileges and a better chance at escape, turns on the charm. Not an easy feat for a girl who, lets face it, isn’t all that charming to begin with. Tara tells Franklin she doesn’t fear him, only the other vampires. She also explains how, while the flowers look delicious, she’d really much prefer some Mac ‘N Cheese. Franklin seems elated by Tara’s sudden change in heart. He offers to plan a celebration in honor of Tara’s last night being human. He wishes to make her his Vampire Bride.
This time, my shocked face is genuine. I didn’t see that one coming . . .
Later, while Franklin is chatting with the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi . . .
. . . we learn a few things: (1) that Franklin was the one searching Vampire Bill’s house for intel on Sookie; (2) that Russell hired him to do it; (3) that, for whatever reason, Vampire Bill is not only keeping a dossier on Sookie, he also appears to be charting Sookie’s geneology, to ascertain the origins of her telepathy. Because that’s what all good boyfriends do for the girls they love, right? Stalk them.
“But, of course! Love means never having to get a restraining order!”
Jason Stackhouse: Dumber than a box of rocks, but pretty enough for it not to make a difference
Undoubtedly, the fine citizens of Bon Temps can sleep a little better tonight, knowing that Jason Stackhouse is out there protecting them. And by “protecting them,” I mean cruising them while shirtless, and giving them the best Tree Hump they ever had. Yes, this episode marked Jason’s first day on the job as an “Assistant Liason Deputy,” after he bribed new Sheriff Andy Bellefleur to let him on the force.
Crime has a new enemy. And it looks GOOD shirtless!
At first, Andy, who, unlike Jason, is no dummy, keeps his protege safely behind the desk. At first, Jason doesn’t seem to mind too much. After all, there are SO many fun things to do behind a desk! One can . . . make a paperclip jump rope! Or put ink from a stamp pad all over his face! Or play paper football!
But after a while, Jason starts to go a bit stir crazy, and begs for something “more active” to do. And like, I said, Andy is no dummy! He’s also my hero. Because he provides Jason with a task that not only helps the citizens of Bon Temps, it also helps True Blood fans across the world! It’s a task that involves Jason taking off his shirt AND getting wet!
“Working at the CAR WASH! Ohohohoh! Working at the CAR WASH, yeah!”
Andy has Jason wash the cop cars! BRILLIANT! While Jason is flexing his muscles, however, he spies a familiar face.
“Hey, there Hot Stuff! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m your Next Conquest!”
Jason is so excited about seeing his dream girl again (The first time he spotted her, she was crying in a field, in the trailer park.), that he forgets to put his shirt on before hopping in the cop car and giving chase. (Woo Hoo!)
When Jason asks Crystal for her license and registration, she staunchly refuses. “Are you resisting me?” Jason inquires, amazed that anyone would have the nerve to resist his abs an officer of the law.
But Crystal doesn’t believe Jason’s a real cop. And rightfully so. He has no badge . . . and no shirt. Undeterred, Jason invites Crystal to meet him that night at Merlotte’s, which apparently is the ONLY bar in town, because no one seems to go anywhere else . . . EVER. (Fangtasia is actually a few towns over.) While Jason waits for Crystal, he runs into Andy who tells him that, thanks to a few pulled strings, Jason CAN become a cop. The only problem, he has to pass THE EXAM.
Seeing as the only tests Jason “passes” are the pregnancy tests he buys for the girls he might have accidentally knocked up . . .
It may say “minus,” but for Jason this one’s an A+ for sure!
Fortunately, for Jason, Crystal arrives to save the day!
She leads Jason out into the woods and the two start humping against a tree, like two dogs in heat. (Can’t you get splinters from tree bark? Bark burn, perhaps?)
The whole tree f*cking scenario is so romantic that Jason immediately starts talking about love, marriage, and all that mushy crap. “Dude! It’s our first date! Stop being such a woman!” Crystal scolds.
(No, actually, she doesn’t say that. But she DOES tell Jason to not get caught up in future talk, and to just worry about the here and now.)
Great advice, Crystal! A tied down Jason = Some very sad fans indeed.
Jesus Loves Me
Speaking of getting tied down, Lafayette seems well on his way to doing just that. When his mother’s nursemaid, Jesus, comes to visit our favorite drug – dealing fry cook at Merlotte’s, Lafayette is convinced his mother has died. But no, Jesus simply wants inside those infamous Lafayette Pantalones.
Can you blame him?
And, let me tell you, Jesus could give Franklin Mott a run for his money in sheer aggressiveness. When Lafayette tells the nursemaid he has to work, Jesus WAITS at the bar for him to finish his shift for NINE HOURS! Can you imagine spending NINE HOURS at Merlotte’s? Do you have any idea how much REALLY BAD country music you’d have to listen to? (Shudders) Now THAT’S dedication!
In Eric News . . .
Eric arrived at Big Gay Vampire Russell’s house. He looked hot. He flirted a bit with the ALSO hot, Talbot, in hopes of gleaning some important information from him later.
“Team Eric all the way! He’s a much cleaner eater than Bill!”
In a play to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, Eric asks Russell about Vampire Bill’s whereabouts, sticking to his story about how he believes Bill to be dealing illegally V. Russell calles his bluff, by bringing in Bill himself to refute these charges. As soon as Eric hears that Bill has “switched teams,” he does what any good lovesick vampire would do, inquires after his girl. “Does this mean that Sookie is free?” He asks, a seductive glint in his eye.
Bill says, “Yes.”
Rest up, Viking Vamp! Someone is about to give that “stamina” of yours a real run for its money . . .
While touring La Casa de Big Gay Vampire King, Eric comes across a Viking crown. He recognizes it instantly as the crown his father wore when he was Viking King back in the day. Apparently, Eric had “stamina” even back then. In the flashback, Eric was so busy sticking it to the milkmaid, he failed to notice his parents were being killed by werewolves. The dark cloaked figure controlling the werewolves, who absconded with Eric’s father’s crown, was none other than Russell Edgington. Leaning over his father’s corpse, Eric vies for revenge.
Well . . . seeing as centuries have passed since this happened, he’s a little late, but here’s hoping Eric FINALLY gets what he wants . . .
Oh yeah . . . and I guess the “vengeance” part too (assuming he has any time left over, from his nonstop schedule of mindblowing sex.)
In Sam and his Annoying Redneck Family News . . .
Tommy is growing on me . . .
. . . and I’m not just saying that because he has a gun to my face.
He was really sweet to Vampire Jessica, when she was obviously hurting over seeing Hoyt having prospectively “moved on” with another woman. He also seemed really vulnerable when he begged Sam to be able to sleep over at his house, because he was afraid of what Joe Lee might do to him, if he returned home. That night, a very drunk Joe Lee nearly broke down Sam’s door, demanding his son’s return. I really hope this storyline isn’t going where I think its going. Because I’m generally not a big fan of the incest . . .
Let’s save the After School Specials and Abused Kid Stories for Lifetime, shall we, True Blood?
Speaking of Vampire Jessica . . .
. . . I loved how she got back at Arlene for being a hater. And yet under the circumstances, you can’t really BLAME Arlene for fearing Vampire Jessica will glamour her, when she seems to do it to EVERYBODY ELSE.
Did I mention that Arlene and Terry are moving in together?
Did you care? Because I sure didn’t. Don’t get me wrong . . . I LIKE Terry. I just really don’t like Arlene. And I really don’t like Terry WITH Arlene. So, I prefer to ignore this storyline. Thank you very much.
And then there was Sookie . . .
Despite their FAB chemistry last week, Sookie and Alcide didn’t seem to be meshing very well this week. Perhaps it was because he kept insisting on keeping his shirt on . . .
Hasn’t Jason Stackhouse taught you ANYTHING?
Sookie and Alcide spent most of the episode bickering, and it didn’t look pretty on either of them. Sookie kept barging into Alcide’s head and reading his thoughts. When she wasn’t doing that, she was nagging him about finding Beeeell!
Alcide, for all his “evolved gentleman” talk, came off as a bit of a chauvinist pig, refusing to let Sookie help him in his investigation of the Big Bad Werewolves. Something tells me that unless Sookie teaches him right, Alcide will end up with a meek, barefoot and pregnant wife, whose sole joy in life is to feed her wolfman raw meat, after a full day spent cleaning the house.
“Mmmm, tastes like Sookie!”
That night, Trashtastic Debbie barges into Alcide’s home, her She-Mullet flapping in the wind.
Sookie really lets her have it for her poor treatment of Alcide. She then tries to read Debbie’s thoughts to glean information about Bill, but comes up empty handed because Debbie has no brain.
Later, Sookie and Alcide visit the werewolf packleader to ask for help against the Big Bad Werewolves. Unfortunately, said packleader is a WIMPY WEINERFACE. The mere mention of the Big Bad Werewolves and the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi has the “Grand Exalted Leader” nearly pissing his pants with fear . . .
Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? The Big Bad Wolf. The Big Bad Wolf. Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? Hahahahahaaa.
Back at La Casa de Alcide, Sookie receives a visitor. It’s VAMPIRE BILL!
Bill and Sookie embrace lovingly, as if the whole, “Lorena and I f*cked like only two vampires can” statement was never made. Bill warns Sookie she has to leave ASAP. At this point, I’m trying to remember whether Bill was actually invited in to Alcide’s house, as per vampire rules. He just seemed to magically appear there.
But you know who DEFINITELY wasn’t invited in? THIS TURD . . .
Russell barges into the house with Coot and his werewolf goons. They attack Bill and Alcide first. Poor Alcide gets kicked in the nuts. AGAIN! That boy SERIOUSLY has to invest in a protective cup, if he wants to keep hanging out with Sookie . . .
But when Coot lunges for Sookie, she does that sparkly lightning bolt thingy with her hand that we saw her do last season to Maenad Maryanne. Coot flies backward from the impact of the electric shock. Far from being annoyed by the incapacitation of his top henchman, Russell seems THRILLED by this recent turn of events. He laughs uproariously. “FANTASTIC!” He howls.
Here’s hoping next week’s episode begins with Sookie sticking a lightning bolt up RUSSELL’S ass. We’ll see how much he’s laughing then . . .