IAN: “So Blind Jenna, how does it feel to be the Second Creepiest Character on this show?”
BLIND JENNA: “Second creepiest? PLEASE! You may be a pedophillic woman beater / psycho killer. But I talk like a Phone Sex Operator, dress (and sort of look) like I’m 45, even though I’m supposedly only 16ish, own a Cane of Destruction, and play the flute at inappropriate moments. Did I mention I keep trying to seduce MY BROTHER?”
IAN: “Ummmm . . . yeah, I guess you win.”
Confession Time! I’m one of those weird people, who gets more upset when animals get hurt on television and in movies, than when people do. That being said, I used to actually think “A” was kind of funny, with her clever texts, and her seemingly supernatural ability to make the girls’ lives miserable on a regular basis. But the day she BASHED A
RAT MOUSE NAMED SPENCER’S HEAD IN WITH A HIGH SCHOOL TROPHY was the day she COMPLETELY lost me, as a friend and fan. Now, I hope she falls on something SHARP, after being dropped from a very high distance . . . on her head.
But enough about my newly murderous feelings toward “A”. Let’s get on with this recap!
Fascinated by the nature of EVIL . . . Disturbed by the nature of Blind Jenna
“I ate a Bad Seed once. It gave me indigestion for a week.”
When the episode begins, the PLL girls are waiting outside the school auditorium. Both Hanna and Spencer will be auditioning for the upcoming school play, which Fitzy is directing and producing. The school will be putting on a production of The Bad Seed, which, just based on what I learned about the play from Wikipedia, seems like an AWFUL and REALLY INAPPROPRIATE choice for a high school production. What’s next? Saw IV: The Musical?
So, the girls are running lines together outside, when they get the great idea that Aria should also get involved in the play. This would give our girl a marvelous opportunity to have sex with the director backstage! After all, we already know she’s kinky like that . . .
Did you know that the dirtiest place in a public bathroom is actually the sink? Think about it . . .
Aria, who at the time is dressed like a crossdressing Playboy Bunny, thinks this is a fabulous idea. After all, she has never screwed on stage before. And there is no time like the present to start doing so. Fitzy isn’t getting any younger, after all!
Did seeing Aria in a tuxedo make anyone else subconsciously start picturing what Fitzy would look like in a wedding dress? Or was that just me?
Speaking of wearing boy’s clothes, remember Aria’s FIRST foray into crossdressing?
Anyway, inside the auditorium Blind Jenna approaches Fitzy, and requests the opportunity to compose the music for the play. Fitzy agrees to this, despite the fact that Blind Jenna only seems to know how to play the flute. And everybody knows that an ALL FLUTE soundtrack to any play is guaranteed to be INCREDIBLY LAME.
Coincidentally, Blind Jenna also happens to be incredibly lame. Blind Jenna then makes some oddball remarks about how fascinated she is by the “Nature of Evil.” Fitzy looks extremely frightened. He should be . . .
“Please don’t kill me! I want to live to see Aria turn legal . . .”
Nightmare on Spencer’s Street
Can somebody please explain to me why Spencer always goes to bed wearing braided pigtails? Because, to me, it seems like a really uncomfortable way to sleep. I also feel like they would get all knotted in the middle of the night. Yet hers always look flawless, when she wakes up. Perhaps, she has little birds that fly in through her window and braid her hair while she sleeps, like all the other Disney Princesses . . .
But I digress. We see Spencer, in her trademark pigtail braids, and her toddler-esque floral onesie nightgown. She hears the sound of a baby crying downstairs. And since her sister hasn’t given birth to Ian’s Demon Spawn yet, she goes downstairs to investigate . . .
Spencer sees a cradle and heads toward it. But when she arrives at the little bassinet, she notes to her confusion, that it is empty. Suddenly, a hand reaches out and grabs her, muffling her screams. Then she awakens. It was just a dream . . . or was it?
*Sings* “I was thinkin’ about her, thinkin’ bout me. Thinkin’ bout us, what we gonna be? Open my eyes, it was only just a dream . . .”
Spencer heads downstairs, for real this time. Pedo Ian is in the living room, taping up boxes. (Doesn’t it seem like the guy’s been “moving out” for over a month now? Ship out now, or start paying rent, Buddy!) The conversation starts off friendly enough, but as is typical with Ian and Spencer, things soon get heated.
Ian knows that Spencer thinks he had something to do with Ali’s death. He denies killing Ali, but then callously explains that the girl had it coming, because she was such a “Psycho Stalker.” Ian insists his relationship with the then 14-year old could be characterized by two words “Get lost
in my pants.” Well . . . he’s right about the “lost” part, at least . . .
Hanna gets wet . . .
Back at La Casa de Hanna, Hanna’s mom is bitching, because Hanna has been consuming groceries faster than usual. (Yeah, real nice, MOM! Rank on the former BULLIMIC for how much she is EATING!) Of course, we all know that HANNA hasn’t been the one consuming the food, Hobo Caleb HAS!
Hanna explains as much to her mother, arguing that she’s been feeding the Bad Boy dinner lately, because he has such a messed up home life.
Make that NO home life! Hanna then asks her mom if Caleb can stay in the guest room for a few days. Having no idea that Caleb is ALREADY a guest in the Marin Home, Hanna’s mom refuses, noting that Hanna has “bad judgment” when it comes to boys . . .
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, apparently . . .
Later, when her mom has SUPPOSEDLY left, Caleb hops into the shower, while Hanna is in the bathroom putting on her makeup. Then suddenly, Hanna’s mom rushes the bathroom, having forgotten her phone in there. Not wanting her new Boy Toy to be caught squatting, Hanna has to act fast. She quickly jumps into the shower with Caleb, closing the curtain behind her, just seconds before her mom enters the bathroom. Caleb is clearly turned on, and impressed by Hanna’s boldness . . .
Observe the Biting of the Lower Lip, a.k.a. Sexiness Incarnate.
Hanna’s impressed too . . . by Caleb’s Hot Wet Bod, and the fact that he has a tattoo someplace naughty . . .
But the virginal Hanna is not quite used to the “feelings” she is starting to get in her nether regions, everytime Caleb is near. And so she responds, by keeping her distance. (Undoubtedly, this makes Caleb question his decision to get the words “Hanna Banana” tattooed to his . . . banana.)
Fitzy is Rollin with the Homies . . .
Aria goes to visit Ezra at his apartment before school, as per usual. Today, she is dressed as Jungle Safari Barbie. Fitzy answers the door, fresh from a workout. He is sweaty, tan, and surprisingly buff. Gone are the days of the Pasty Toothpick Legs of yesteryear . . .
Fitzy looks GOOOOOOOD. Apparently, secret sex with 16-year olds is good for the soul AND the body of twenty-something English teachers. Who knew?
Aria brings Fitzy his morning paper This would be sweet, except he doesn’t subscribe. (Apparently, Fitzy much prefers poems about Golden Falafels and “things that smell bad” to reading actual news.) Aria cutely tosses the paper down the hall, so that Fitzy’s neighbors don’t realize she STOLE it from them. She then tells Fitzy she wants to be his stage manager in the play. This will give the couple a great opportunity to
try having sex in places other than Fitzy’s apartment and dingy public bathrooms spend time together in public.
Aria also wants Fitzy’s friends to like him. Fitzy notes that Aria’s “homies” will absolutely like Fitzy, because all “homies” like Fitzy. By using the word “homies,” Fitzy is unwittingly reminding Aria of his age. (1995 called, Fitzy! It wants the word “homies” back!) But Aria doesn’t care, and decides to make out with Fitzy anyway. And the moment is so adorable that it allows us to momentarily forget that Fitzy is probably still a bit odorous from his run . . .
Jungle Safari Barbie is clearly turned on by the “animal musk” emanating from Fitzy’s post workout body . . .
Blind Jenna’s Got a Brand New Bag . . .
At school, the girls spy Pedo Ian and Blind Jenna talking, and getting pretty cozy. Pedo Ian hands Blind Jenna a Mysterious Green Bag. None of the PLL girls can think of any logical reason Pedo Ian and Blind Jenna would have for communicating with one another. After all, Pedo Ian is a coach, not a teacher. “What sport does JENNA play?” Spencer inquires, which is a funny question, but also REALLY MEAN, when you think about it . . .
Spencer suggests that she will work on getting some intel about Blind Jenna and Ian from Creepy Toby. She plans to see him after school to drop off a book. Emily asks if she can see him instead. After all, it’s been a full week, since she’s been kissed by Little Orphan Butchy. So, she is lonely, and in need of attention. Spencer, who’s been in somewhat of a dry spell, since her SECOND boyfriend, Alex, dropped into the PLL Missing Mate Vortex (along with Wren, Scary Noel, “Ben,” Deputy Douchey, Maya, Sean, and Lucas) reluctantly agrees to Emily’s request.
Later, while the girls are waiting for rehearsals to begin, Annoying Mona, who received a part in the play, along with Hanna and Spencer, actually says something that makes me laugh, for once, and not want to wring her neck . . .
There’s a first time for everything!
(By the way, why is Spencer dressed like Pocahantas?)
When questioning Hanna about her little rendezvous with Caleb in the shower, Mona notes that Hanna ought to ride that pony, and ride it hard and fast. “Bad Boys only shower once a year,” she notes wryly. (SEE! That was FUNNY!)
(I wouldn’t note this comment at all, except for the fact that it illustrates that Mona KNOWS about Caleb staying with Hanna. The jab at Caleb’s hygiene, or lack thereof, also reminds me a bit of “A’s” little joke last week, in which she (or he) referred to Caleb’s residence in Hanna’s basement as an “infestation.” Does that mean that Mona is “A?” Possibly . . . though I kind of hope not, because that would be a rather dull solution to the mystery, in my opinion.)
Speaking of Mona, wanna see her in a RIDICULOUS costume?
You know . . . this outfit looks really familiar. I think Spencer wore it on the show once . . .
During the rehearsals, Ian randomly pops in, for no reason whatsoever. This inspires Emily, who’s working in the play as “costume designer,” to remark, “He’s so creepy!” (I HEAR THAT, SISTER!)
This prompts YET another, Ali flashback . . .
I hope she had good insurance . . .
Back when she was alive, Ali apparently scored the girls fake IDs and got them into a party at Ian’s frathouse. (Timeline-wise, this sort of doesn’t make sense, as we were led to believe that Ian was already a coach at Spencer’s school, and therefore, a college graduate, when he kissed her, back when she was 14.) Ali then promptly disappears, leaving the rest of the girls to their own devices. Suddenly, a scream is heard, and a random girl tumbles down the steps.
The girls look up, and see Pedo Ian staring down at the unconscious girl, with a sinister expression on his face.
The police and ambulence are eventually called. And the girl is pulled away on a stretcher. Outside, Ali reunites with the girls, and gets them a ride home with one of the policemen, so they won’t look “suspicious.” Needless to say, Ali looks EXTREMELY suspicious to both the PLL girls and us viewers. Did she have something to do with the girl who was pushed down the stairs? Did Ian? Was Ali with Ian when the accident occurred? Lo and behold, it’s YET ANOTHER unsolved mystery . . .
Speaking of looking SUSPICIOUS and getting IN TROUBLE, during rehearsals, Aria slips, and refers to Fitzy as “Ezra,” causing eyebrows to raise throughout the room. Fitzy is clearly uncomfortable with the implications of Aria’s words . . .
“Do that again, and I am throwing you to the lions, Jungle Safari Barbie!”
Speaking of people who secretly want to get into Fitzy’s pants . . .
Aria’s Dad Seduces Fitzy
“Drink up, Hot Stuff! I just put a ruffie in your beer.”
Remember last week, when Aria’s dad called Fitzy, and asked him out for a date, after being a TOTAL DICK to him at the parent teacher conference. My how things have changed! These are the ACTUAL WORDS Aria’s dad said to Fitzy, when they went out for drinks, this week: “My daughter thinks you are Hot Stuff, and I have to agree. I think it is so bold of you, exposing yourself to your students like that.”
Wait . . . it gets WORSE! At the bar, Aria’s dad wonders why Fitzy is “hiding out” at the high school, when he is clearly such a
lousy talented writer. He casually notes that Aria is already looking at colleges in California, and will soon “leave him behind,” like the rest of his students. Papa Montgomery then offers to get Fitzy a job at HIS college, so they can screw! where there are plenty of underage chippies for Fitzy to bang! (And Aria’s dad would know . . .)
Interestingly enough, rather than cause Fitzy to worry that his girlfriend’s father is CRAZY, and has a WEIRD CRUSH on him (just like Aria’s mom) this date has the unexpected impact of making Fitzy MAD at Aria. He becomes convinced that she’s going to leave anyway, so why bother with their relationship? Fitzy starts talking to Aria about his taking the job at the college to “focus on his”
really bad writing. “My future and your future . . . may not be linked,” he says cryptically.
But Aria is not one for giving up. She arrives once again at Fitzy’s house, and asks him “Can’t we just be happy with what we have now?”
So he kisses her . . .
“Good answer,” she replies. (We think so too!)
Creepy Toby Love Square
Emily brings Creepy Toby the book she promised Spencer that she would deliver. She hasn’t really talked to him, since the whole “He Thought She Turned Him in to the Cops” thing. Toby admits to Emily that he now knows that it was Blind Jenna who turned him in, and not her. Emily thinks this is cause for celebration, and invites Creepy Toby for breakfast. He agrees.
Unfortuntely, when the time comes for the fateful breakfast, Creepy Toby is nowhere to be found. Blind Jenna is there, however. “He left with Spencer,” Blind Jenna notes smugly. “It sucks feeling like you are second choice, doesn’t it?” She inquires.
Then Blind Jenna randomly starts playing the flute. (It’s The Bad Seed Soundtrack!)
Meanwhile, Spencer is trying to convince Toby to steal Blind Jenna’s phone, so the girls can determine if she’s been conspiring with Pedo Ian against them. Toby is skeptical at first. But Spencer reminds him that his nightmare will never end, until Ali’s killer is found.
It’s hard to take anything Spencer says seriously, when she is dressed like Hiawatha.
Spencer then asks Toby why he was spying on Ali and the girls, the night of the “firecracker” incident. Toby tells her that he wasn’t. Ali merely had something on Toby, and decided to use it against him.
Spencer begins to consider the notion that Ali may have actually been targeting BLIND JENNA that night because of her involvement with Ian. She also wonders whether Ali pushed the girl down the steps at the party for that same reason . . .
Toby agrees to get Spencer the phone, and the two share a sweet moment of Hand Fondling together. Apparently, nothing bonds two people together, like a Dead B*tch and a Psycho Sexual Deviant Sister.
Time to “Throw Down”
Hanna hands off Blind Jenna’s phone to Caleb, so that he can break into it. But Caleb finds the notion of breaking into a Blind Girl’s phone to be morally reprehensible. (This, coming from the guy who BROKE ARIA’S MOM’S CAR ON PURPOSE, BROKE INTO THE SCHOOL MULTIPLE TIMES, FIXED EMILY’S PHONE SO SHE COULD CALL MAYA, DESPITE IT BEING FORBIDDEN, DEALT DRUGS TO HANNA’S FRIENDS and is SQUATTING IN HANNA’s BASEMENT!) He’s also unable to do it, because the phone is too high tech, even for a hardcore criminal, like himself.
Hanna, who’s still feeling sort of uncomfortable around him, after the whole Shower Thing, promptly blows him off again, once he can’t “fix” the phone. So, when Hanna arrives home, Caleb has packed his things and is ready to move out of Hanna’s basement. But Hanna doesn’t want him to leave. (Would YOU? Have you SEEN that body of his?)
Caleb then slyly offers to get his tattoo removed. (HAHA!) But Hanna doesn’t want him to do that either . . .
Finally, Caleb figures it out. “You saw me in the shower . . . and now you think you have to throw down too,” he explains.
“What if I don’t want to?” Hanna inquires.
“That’s OK,” Caleb replies.
“But what if I DO want to?” Hanna asks seductively, building up the courage to do what she’s wanted to do to Caleb, ever since he made that Bieber comment, all those weeks ago.
“That’s OK too,” says Caleb, with a smirk.
They kiss . . . it’s SUPER HOT!
Back at school, the girls find a trunk of “props,” for the play. One of them just happens to be a trophy of Pedo Ian’s, covered in blood . . .
The girls are immediately convinced that it’s the murder weapon used to kill Ali. However, us astute fans remember the trophy from it’s mysterious appearance at the conclusion of the episode “Je Suis Un Amie,” a few episodes back . . .
So, we immediately know that the girls are being setup. The most obvious assailant is Blind Jenna, as it appeared to be HER house featured in that scene at the end of “Je Suis Un Amie.” If Jenna didn’t have the trophy then, it is also entirely possible that IAN gave it to her, in the bag he handed off to her earlier in THIS episode.
But the PLL girls don’t know any of this. And they bring the trophy to the police for examination . . .
No good deed goes unpunished. Because, the next day, the police track down the girls at school, and accuse them of obstructing justice. Apparently, the blood on the trophy belonged to a RAT, not Ali (Though, honestly, with that b*tch, is there really a difference?) The girls are then asked to go down to the police station with the officer for questioning. As they wait outside the policecar, they receive a text from “A.” It says: “Rat me out, your blood is next!”
The final scene of the episode features “A” passing her gloved hand over four rat (mouse?) cages. Each cage is labeled with one of the PLL girls’ names . . .
But Spencer’s rat cage is different. Because hers is . . . EMPTY!
UH OH, Spencer! Time to hibernate!
And that’s all I’ve got. See you next week, my Pretties!