Tag Archives: The Big Bang Theory

The Lazy Recapper Takes On This Week’s Once Upon a Time, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, New Girl, and The Big Bang Theory (in ONE post!)

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Don’t you hate it when your personal life gets in the way of you fulfilling your blogging responsibilities?

I know, I DO!  But just because I haven’t been updating you each day with 5,000-word in-depth analyses of various TV shows I watch, doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching television.  After all, I firmly believe that, no matter how busy you are, there is ALWAYS time for television . . .

That is why, this week, instead of merely recapping one or two of the shows I watched, I will recap EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ONE but in a half-assed way, that waters them down to one or two punchlines, a piece.

Well, I don’t care if you’re impressed, DAMON SALVATORE!  I’m going to do it,  anyway!  (Besides, YOUR show is on hiatus.  So, what do YOU care?)

So, without further adieu I proudly present to you, The Lazy Recapper’s Guide to Television for the Week of April 2nd . . .

Once Upon a Time – “The Stable Boy”

This week on Once Upon a Time, I learned that I should never tell little girls my secrets . . .

“You can trust me!  I’m a Disney Princess!”

Because, if I tell a little girl my secret, I will probably become evil, for all eternity (and start wearing WAY too much mascara) . . .

Also, my blue collar boyfriend with the heart of gold will DIE . . .

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And I will cope with it, by removing all my neighbors’ hearts, and putting them in little individual jewelry boxes.  This way, whenever I’m having a bad day, I can take one out, and do this to it . . .

 I also learned that the little girl who briefly played Max on Wizards of Waverly place is kind of an AMAZING actress.  (She also might very well be Ginnifer Goodwin’s Time-Traveling Doppelganger.)

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P.S. So, it turns out, Prince Charming’s ex-wife isn’t quite as “dead” as we once thought she was.  (However, after spending over a week wandering the woods aimlessly, she probably smells a bit like death.)

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Zombie?

Mad Men – Tea Leaves

Here’s an interesting tidbit of information for you.  Did you know that Jared Gilmore, the kid who plays Henry Mills on Once Upon a Time, used to play Bobby Draper on Mad Men?

Unfortunately, the performance itself wasn’t all that memorable.  This has less to do with Jared Gilmore’s acting abilities, and more to do with “Bobby Draper” as a character.  For one thing, the kid is, for all intents and purposes, a selective mute, and has probably said about five lines in as many seasons of the show.  Also, the producers seem to change the actor who plays Bobby every few episodes.  (They are already on their fourth.)

Nonetheless, Jared Gilmore did manage to leave his mark on Mad Men, by famously tattling to the press about what a heinous biatch January Jones was to him, while he was on set.

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“Take THAT, Snow White’s grandkid!”

Well, you know how it is when people are REALLY mean to you, right?  You can’t help but feel the slightest bit of guilty glee, when they eventually get what’s coming to them . .  .

So, you could imagine how psyched Jared Gilmore probably was, when he turned on Mad Men this week (assuming it’s not on after his bed time), and saw THIS . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  The once-modelesque, ice queen, Betty Draper nee Francis now wears your grandma’s house coats, and steals her own daughter’s ice cream sundaes, after the latter leaves the dinner table.  (She also, as it turns out, DOESN’T have a deadly disease.  So, you can post pictures like the one above on your blog, without feeling like a total cretin for doing so.)

Somewhere in Hollywood, Jared Gilmore is fist pumping for joy . . .

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Also this week on Mad Men, Sterling Cooper Draper Price hired its first Jewish employee.  Happy Passover!

Sure, Michael Ginsburg is a bit on the “socially awkward” side.  But he’s a smart guy.  And I think he’ll fit in at the firm just fine . . . provided he stops stealing jackets from Pete Campbell’s wardrobe . . .

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I mean, let’s face it, you REALLY don’t want to mess with Pete.  The dude keeps a hunting rifle under his desk, for crying out loud . . .

Speaking of socially awkward people who dress badly . . .

The Big Bang Theory – “The Hawking Excitation”

So . . . um . . . this happened . .  .

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And all I could think to myself was that Jim Parsons has some really well-toned legs!  He must do Pilates.  Or . . . maybe he takes those pills you hear about on late night infomercials . . . you know, the ones that make you .  . . bigger.

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Or . . . maybe not.  But while Sheldon’s weiner thigh muscles showed some signs of growth this week, his ego most certainly did not.  From having to wash the pee off Howard’s many belt buckles, to having to stuff Howard’s rotund mother in a teeny tiny dress, having to wear a French Maid costume was the least of Sheldon’s problems, this week.  And if all that didn’t drum up pity in your heart for the genius from Apartment 4A, then I suspect this will . .  .

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In other Disconcerting Revelations News . . .

New Girl – “Secrets”

Schmidt’s and Cece’s “secret relationship” isn’t such a “secret anymore.”

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Nick didn’t exactly take the news well . . .

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Jess didn’t take the news well either . . .

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And yet, I’d say that she took the news that all the guys in the house had “self-completed” while thinking about her, much worse .  . .

“Come on Cece, the boys are busy slapping their salamies.  Let’s go rob some banks.” 

(Of course, we all know that Jess secretly LOVES the idea that Nick frequently self-completes, while thinking about her.  She’s not fooling anybody.)

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Speaking of people who are going to have to do a lot more “self-completing” in the future . . .

Gossip Girl – “Con Heir”

It turns out that Chuck Bass’ often malevolent (but still totally awesome) Uncle Jack shouldn’t really be exchanging bodily fluids with ANYONE but himself .  . .

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And that means it’s safe to say that Uncle Jack’s blood wasn’t what saved Chuck’s life, back when he was still with Blair, before the show went to Hell in a Prada bag . . .

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Many viewers now suspect that the real source of Chuck Bass’ lifeblood was his secret bio mom, and Nate’s former screw toy, Diana, who not-so-coincidentally will be returning to the show, next week . . .

Personally, my money is on Damon Salvatore.  We all know how much he likes to “share” his lifeblood with the dying . .  .

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(Come to think of it, Chuck HAS been looking a bit pale,  lately . . .)

In other news, Blair Waldorf learned that the only way to make sex with Donut Dan Humphrey passable is to get drunk enough, and travel to a dark enough alley, that she can make herself believe she’s actually doing it with Chuck Bass . . .

Speaking of people who shouldn’t be having sex . . .

Game of Thrones – “The North Remembers”

This guy . . .

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 . . . is the poster child for why incest is BAAAAAAADDDD . . .

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Dear readers, please, please, PLEASE do not have sex with your siblings.  I don’t care HOW hot they are . . .

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Draco Malfoy’s Evil-er twin, Joffrey Baratheon’s douchebagginess knows NO bounds .  . .

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You know, in most cases I am a staunch opponent of corporal punishment.  Hitting kids is WRONG, DAMMIT  . . . but in this case . . . I’d be willing to make an exception . . .

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Coincidentally, if you live in Westeros and happen to have had sex with the late King Baratheon at any time during the last . . . oh, twenty or so years, I have a little piece of advice for you . . .

Yep, there sure were a lot of DEAD BASTARD BABIES in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones.  It was rather disturbing . . .

And yet, when it happened, somehow I didn’t cry quite as much as I did back in the pilot episode, when they killed Sansa’s pet wolf.

Puppies make me mushy.  Babies?  Meh! 

Clearly, I’m an awful human being . . .

P.S. Tyrion Lannister, if you are reading this . . . CALL ME!  (We can be short and snarky together!)

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 And that was the Lazy Recapper’s TV Week in review.  So, tell me, what did YOU watch on TV this week?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Mad Men, New Girl, Once Upon a Time, The Big Bang Theory

The post where I pretend to have a Twitter Account, and help Jimmy Fallon host the Emmys

 

As you probably already know, the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards will be airing live this Sunday night (August 29th), at 8 p.m on N.B.C., with Jimmy Fallon acting as host.  What you may NOT know, is that YOU have the opportunity to write some of his jokes!  And who do we have to thank for this groundbreaking opportunity?  Why, Twitter, of course!

You see, unlike during other Emmy specials — where you spend half the time cringing at the lame one-liners the hosts come up with to introduce the show’s various celebrity award presenters — this year, you get to write them, YOURSELF!

Here’s how it works.  When you click on this website, you will be directed to a list of all of the presenters for this year’s Emmy awards.  Do you have something funny, amusing or poignant to say about a particular celebrity?  Do you have an existing Twitter account?  If you have answered “Yes” to both questions, simply click on your favorite actor or actress’s name, and you will be directed to a place where you can tweet about them to Jimmy Fallon and his writing staff. 

If Jimmy and his staff like what you wrote, there’s a chance Mr. Fallon will read it LIVE ON TV (giving full credit to YOU and your creative Twitter handle, of course)!  You can tweet to Jimmy throughout the Emmy Broadcast (or, at least until your choice presenter has presented).  Pretty cool right?

Well . . . here’s the problem.  I don’t have a Twitter account . . .

 . . . and I don’t plan on opening one just for this contest, cool as it may be.  So, here’s what I decided to do.  I’ve written a Twitter-sized Emmy intro for EACH of the presenters.  You can read them.  If any of them don’t make you groan or roll your eyes, feel free to tweet them to Jimmy Fallon.  If you do that, and throw at least partial credit to “KJewls” or “TV Recappers Anonymous,” I will be your best friend for life! 

If not . . . well, at least I tried. 

So, without further adieu, my Emmy presenter introductions:

1) Ann Margret

You might remember her from classic films like Bye, Bye Birdie, The Cincinatti Kid, and Viva Las Vegas.  But what really stands out in my mind is her brilliant performance in The Santa Clause 3.  It’s Ann Margret!

2) Anna Paquin

On HBO’s True Blood, she plays the coolest fairy to ever date a boy that doesn’t age, since Tinkerbell.  It’s Anna Paquin!

3) Alexander Skarsgard

Bite into America’s favorite Swedish meatball  . . . It’s Alexander Skarsgard!

4) Betty White

Before Twilight, or True Blood, or The Vampire Diaries, before the wheel was invented, America’s first true vampire was a Golden Girl.  Please welcome the immortal, Betty White.

5) Blair Underwood

Barak Obama was busy tonight, so we got the next best thing.  Set to play the President of the United States, in the upcoming NBC Drama Series, The Event , it’s Blair Underwood!

6) Boris Kodjoe

He’s sexy.  He’s bald.  He’s black.  He’s beautiful.  I’d do him.  Everybody welcome, Boris Kodjoe!

7) Christopher Meloni

Question:  If Detective Elliot Stabler from Law and Order SVU fought convicted murderer, Chris Keller, from Oz, who do you think would win?  Only this guy knows . . . It’s Christopher Meloni.

8 ) Claire Danes

When Jordan Catalano broke up with Angela Chase, I cried.  When Beth died in the Little Women movie, I cried.  When Juliet died in the Romeo and Juliet movie, I cried.  Stop making me blubber like a baby, Claire Danes!

9) Edie Falco

Last night I had this dream that Carmela Soprano was getting high in the on-call room with Nurse Jackie.  Thanks for the memories, Edie Falco!

10) Emily Deschanel

If this lovely lady is leaning over you and stroking your face, it probably means you’re dead!  She plays Temperance Brennan on Bones.  It’s Emily Deschanel!

11) Eva Longoria Parker

Though perhaps best known  for playing the delectable Gabrielle Solis on Desperate Housewives, our next guest REALLY won my heart as Flight Attendant 3 on Beverly Hill, 90210.  It’s Eva Longoria Parker!

12) Gugu Mbatha Raw

She bears the distinction of having the hardest name to pronounce in Emmy history.  Dr. Who is she?  It’s Gugu Mbatha Raw!

13) January Jones

We can’t really blame Betty for dumping Don Draper on Mad Men.  Her people are Nordic.  It’s January Jones!

14) Jeff Probst

He’s been on Survivor for TEN YEARS, and NEVER once been voted off the island.  Everybody welcome, Jeff Probst!

15) Jim Parsons

In order to invite Dr. Sheldon Cooper to present this award, we had to disinvite Leonard Nimoy and Stan Lee.  They both have restraining orders against him.  Sorry guys!  It’s Jim Parsons!

16) Joel McHale

Joel McHale is the nicest, smartest, hottest, and most wonderful man on the planet.  Shh, I’m only saying this, because I don’t want him to make fun of me on The Soup.  It’s Joel McHale.

17) John Krasinski

For our next presenter, we wanted to get the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin.  But Dwight Schrute was unavailable, so we settled for Jim Halpert.  Everybody welcome, John Krasinski!

18 ) John Lithgow

What is this world coming to? The world is at war, the economy is a mess, and the dad from Harry and the Hendersons is a serial killer!  Say hello the Evil John Lithgow!

19) Jon Hamm

The Dapper Don Draper is here.  An attendant will be stopping by to retrieve all the panties that just dropped on the floor.  Everybody welcome, Jon Hamm!

20) Julianna Margulies

Women scorned by slutty manwhore hubbies the world over, can take a page out of this lady’s book.  She plays Alicia Florick on The Good Wife.  It’s Julianna Margulies.

21) Keri Russell

Please give a big round of applause for the gal who played Felicity Porter . . . or she might cut her hair again.  Ladies and gentleman, Keri Russell!

22) Lauren Graham

She went from playing the fast talking, coffee swigging Lorelai Gilmore, to the bartending, teacher smooching, Sarah Braverman.  It’s everybody’s favorite MILF, Lauren Graham!

23) Laurence Fishburne

Our next presenter is the only guy who could possibly explain The Matrix movies to me.  It’s Laurence Fishburne!

24) L.L. Cool J.

Someone tweeted me this really funny L.L. Cool J. joke.  But when I told him about it, his mama said knock me out.  Please don’t hurt me, L.L. Cool J!

25) Mariska Hargitay

This next presenter could totally kick my ass.  She plays Dr. Olivia Benson on Law and Order:  SVU.  It’s Mariska Hargitay!

26) Matthew Morrison

On Glee, he plays Will Schuester, a teacher who can Bust a Move, Alone, Like a  Gold Digger, Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  He also looks great in a thong.  It’s Matthew Morrison!

27) Matthew Perry

He’s the Friend who got it on with Courtney Cox BEFORE David Arquette.  Could he BE any luckier?  It’s Matthew Perry!

28) Maura Tierney

Nurse Jackie learned everything she knows about addiction from this next presenter.  She played Dr. Abby Lockhart on ER.  It’s Maura Tierney!

29) Nathan Fillion

I had this great idea for a mystery novel.  So, I tweeted it to Rick Castle.  Then I realized he’s not a real person.  Thanks a lot, Nathan Fillion!

30) Neil Patrick Harris

If Barney Stinson gave relationship advice to Doogie Howser, M.D.  and Dr. Horrible, they’d all look a bit like this guy.  Please don’t steal my job, Neil Patrick Harris!

31) Ricky Gervais

When I made that comment about Dwight Schrute being the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin, I really offended this guy.  Everybody welcome, Ricky Gervais!

32) Sofia Vergara

I’ll admit, I don’t always understand what she’s saying on Modern Family.  But it always sounds beautiful.  It’s Sofia Vergara!

33) Stephen Colbert

I’m proud to present the next President of the United States, Stephen Colbert!

34) Stephen Moyer

He’s the only person in the world who can make the name “Sookie” sound like a sex act. It’s Stephen Moyer!

35) Ted Danson

This man needs no introduction, because he only goes where “everybody knows his name.”  It’s . . . shoot  .  . . what’s that guy’s name again?  Oh yeah!  Ted Danson!

36) Tina Fey

She’s a writer, producer, actress, and an Emmy and Golden Globe winner.  Thanks for making us all look stupid and lazy, Tina Fey!

37) Tom Selleck

I’m so excited about this next guest.  He’s been such a role model for me throughout his distinguished career.  Everybody, put your hands together for Tom Selleck’s MUSTACHE  . . . oh, and Tom Selleck too, I guess.

38) Will Arnett

Our next presenter is perhaps best known for his role as magician GOB Bluth on Arrested Development.  Well, if you’re such a great magician GOB, why don’t you make your show reappear!  It’s Will Arnett!

There you have it, 38 celebrity Emmy presenters, and 38 introductions for Jimmy Fallon.  I sure hope he appreciates it!  See you at the Emmys!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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