What Lost’s Jacob’s “Candidate” Job Opening Might Have Looked Like, if He Posted it on Careerbuilder.com

Those of you who watched Lost’s penultimate episode, “What They Died For,” last night (which was excellent, by the way), already know that, during it, the “mysterious and godlike” Jacob finally selected Jack Shepard as his “Candidate” to replace him on the Island. 

(And, for those of you who were surprised that it ended up being Jack, I have GOOD NEWS for you!  I am in the process of selling the Empire State Building for dirt cheap!  If interested, please send a check in the amount of $1 million, made payable to TV Recappers Anonymous, at  . . .)

Yeah, it was kind of predictable (and by “kind of” I mean “very”) that Jack would take the reins as “Guarder of the Light Thingy.”  And yet, while many of us viewers immediately surmised that this would ultimately end up being the case, Jacob, himself, was not nearly as quick on the uptake.  In fact, it literally took this dude CENTURIES of bringing people to the island and watching them die senseless deaths, to solve, what was essentially, a Human Resources Issue.

But all of this could have been avoided, had Jacob simply took advantage of modern hiring technology.  (After all, we already know the Island has internet access . . . ) 

So, just for kicks, I thought it might be fun to see what a “Jacob’s Candidate” job posting might have looked like, had it actually been placed on a job search website, like Careerbuilder.com.

Employer: Jacob

Job Title:   “Protector of the Light”

Location:   Undisclosed, but we call it “The Island”

Employee Type:    Full Time (And I’m not talking a 40 – 60 hour work week, either.  I mean REALLY full, like you will do ABSOLUTELY nothing else, for the duration of your life.)

Manages Others:    Nah, we killed all the “Others.”  Except for maybe, this guy.

Job Type:   Security, Godliness

Experience:   No prior experience necessary

Salary:   Non-applicable (Your “payment” is the pride of knowing that you have been chosen over centuries of other less worthy applicants, you ungrateful turd.)

Benefits:  See “salary” description above.  But you are more than welcome to all the fish .  . . and polar bears that you want to eat.

To be honest, we haven’t actually SEEN a polar bear around these parts since Season 1.  But that’s OK.  It just means more FISH FOR YOU!

Duties:

1) Keep the Man in Black from “entering the Light”

2) Keep the Light from going out

3) Keep the Man in Black from killing you

4) Find more suitable replacement “Candidates,” just in case you fail to do items 1 through 3

5) Smolder, brood, and generally try to look self-important ALL THE TIME.

Requirements:

1) A crappy home life a MUST!

2) Nonexistent or minimal sex life . . . unless you are this guy . . .

In which case, screw all you want!

3) Daddy issues

4) God complex

5) The ability to run quickly, and cover long distances, when chased by a polar bear or puff of black smoke . . .

Transportation:  Last time we checked, there were three ways of transporting one’s self to the island.  They are: (1) plane or jet crash;

(2) shipwreck; or

3) submarine

Please note:  Here at the Island, we do not cover your relocation expenses.  However, should you arrive at the Island via means 1 or 2, you may ultimately be able to have your travel fees reimbursed, as a result of a class action lawsuit begun on your behalf.  There is no guarantee of your actually receiving such reimbursement, however, as most people in the outside world are probably going to think you are DEAD.

So, what are you waiting for?  Apply Now!  Your violent and untimely death FUTURE is just a mouse click away! 🙂

Lost’s “The Candidate” and the Murderous Reign of Elizabeth Sarnoff (Contains SPOILERS)

WARNING:  If you have not yet seen this week’s installment of Lost, entitled “The Candidate,” and you plan on seeing it, you DO NOT want to be here right now!  Because I am about to spoil for you four serious OMFG Lost Series Shocker Moments . . . moments that rival the twist endings to some of America’s most surprising films . . .

“I see dead candidates!”

“John Locke is KEYSER SOZE!”

“Jacob’s REAL Candidate is a MAN, baby!”

And so, for those of you who don’t want to be SERIOUSLY spoiled, I am hereby giving you five seconds to leave this blog . . .

5

4

3

2

1

 . . .  Are they gone yet?  OK. 

 I would now like to take this opportunity to express my condolences over the loss of four characters, to whom I have become extremely attached, throughout the course of Lost history. 

 

Frank Lapidus (played by Jeff Fahey)

Sayid Jarrah (played by Naveen Andrews)

Jin Kwon (played by Daniel Dae Kim)

Sun Kwon (played by Yoon-Jin Kim)

These tragic losses will most certainly be deeply felt throughout the Lost universe.  And while this is neither the time, nor the place, to establish blame for the passing of these fine individuals, would you like to know who killed them?

Well . . . yeah . . . him, but that wasn’t who I was referring to . . .

Yep, that’s her! 

The woman pictured above, is none other than Elizabeth Sarnoff, Lost executive producer, and the writer of this week’s TOTAL F-ING BLOODBATH of a Lost episode.  After I finished watching Lost, I was lurking around The Fuselage, a fansite for diehard Losties, and this lady was literally ALL those folks were talking about!  Apparently, Liz’s “serial character murdering” reputation precedes her.  So, I did a little research into the writer’s episode penning-past.  And, let me just say, her body count is HIGH!

In her premiere episode, “Abandoned” (Season 2), Liz killed Lostie Shannon Caryle.

In the episode, “Two for the Road” (also Season 2), Liz ended the lives of Tailies Ana Lucia and Libby:

In the episode,” The Man Behind the Curtain” (Season 3), Liz laid waste to, more or less, the ENTIRE Dharma Initiative, including Benjamin Linus’s father, Roger Linus.

And in “Meet Kevin Johnson” (Season 4), Liz gunned down Karl and Rousseau (both pictured here, along with the now-dead Alex and the THANKFULLY still alive, Hurley)

But of Ms. Sarnoff’s deadly episodes, ‘The Candidate” was probably the most shocking.  After all, this was the first time in Lost history in which THREE Original Cast Members met their untimely demise, during the course of a single episode!  (Lapidus didn’t appear on the show until Season 4.) 

The most heartbreaking of these deaths undoubtedly belonged to Jin and Sun.  With Sun trapped amongst the wreckage of a flooded submarine, Jin tried in vain to rescue her.  When he saw that he would be unable to free her in time, he held tightly to her hand, vowing never to leave her again.  The couple’s hands remained clasped to one another, until the moment of both of their deaths.  And, while the sacrifice on Jin’s part was certainly heroic and romantic, I couldn’t help but wonder why Sun didn’t implore Jin to save himself, on behalf of their young child, Ji-Yeon, now undoubtedly an orphan . . .

It is also important to note that, the name “Kwon,” which was listed as one of Jacob’s Island Saving Candidates, likely referred to either Sun or Jin.  Now we might never know which one . . .

Sayid’s death, while tragic, was a bit more uplifting.  After multiple episodes of “Zombie Sayid” seemingly acting as MIB’s evil  minion, and killing people willy nilly, without remorse, it was nice to see our Original Lost hero, return to his roots.  Not only did Sayid help Jack and crew out, by explaining to the gang the logistics of dismantling a C-4 bomb, he ultimately saved Jack, Hurley, Sawyer and Kate, by taking the bomb and running as far from them as he could get before it exploded. 

It was also nice to know that Sayid did not, in fact, murder Desmond, as MIB had originally instructed him to do.  

Before he died, Sayid instructed Jack to find Desmond where he left him in the well.   When Jack asked Sayid why the latter has chosen to tell him this, Sayid replied, “Because you’re THE ONE.”  Presumably, the statement referred to Sayid’s belief that JACK is Jacob’s ULTIMATE CANDIDATE, destined to save the island from MIB and his dastardly deeds.  So, in the honor of the redeemed Sayid, I’d hereby like to share with you, this fan-made video, demonstrating his macho, heroic, TOTALLY badass (and definitely NON-ZOMBIE like) awesomeness!

And for those Losties still alive at the conclusion of this episode, BE WARNED, the series’ second to last episode will be penned by none other than Elizabeth Sarnoff . . .

Be afraid, be VERY AFRAID!