ELENA: So when it comes to being super hot, and killing supernatural creatures, like it’s your job, you both get A’s. But as far as reading comprehension and following directions go? YOU TWO FAIL . . . MISERABLY!
DAMON: I am so Hot for Teacher, right now . . .
STEFAN: Is this going to be on the exam? Because I’ve been in high school for 140 years. And I’d really like to graduate some time within the next century . . .
It’s not often that you get a supernatural teen television drama, that also stresses the importance of careful READING. And yet, that’s exactly what this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries taught us. Though the hour arguably ended “happily”
unless you are Elijah, of course (I MISS MY ELIJAH ALREADY!), what happened to our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang this week should serve as a cautionary tale to all of us. And the moral of the “story” is this: Terrible things happen to people (and vampires) who fail to READ BETWEEN THE LINES . . . or, in some cases, the LIES.
In other news, all those fans out there who complained that Elena Gilbert is a “wimpy” / “whiny” heroine — who refuses to fight for herself — are currently enjoying “dessert,” right now . . .
Mmmmm . . . crow . . . yummy!
Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?
Dark Stefan – The Prequel (A Jonathan Gilbert Story)
Today I OWNED every vampire and human on this show. So, if anybody EVER compares me to Bella Swan again, I will shove my Original’s Killing Dagger SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES, they will wish they were NEVER BORN . . .
Hugs and Kisses,
When the episode begins, believe it or not, Stefan and Elena are STILL on their “Romantic Getaway” at the Gilbert Lakehouse. Even after a fun-filled evening of being stalked, shot at, and held at gun point by a bunch of rabid and drooling werewolves, Stefan and Elena somehow still remain under the assumption that they can salvage their “vacation.” Their idealism is either really inspiring, or incredibly disturbing. I’m not sure which . . .
Then again, it’s entirely possible that the only reason this couple is sticking around the Lakehouse, is that they dread sharing a car with one another, for the long ride back to Mystic Falls. After all, tensions have been high, and interactions icy, ever since Stefan found out that Elena plans to kill herself (via Santa Klaus-icide) to save the rest of the Scooby Gang from further harm. In other words, there has most certainly been NO SEX in the Lakehouse Champagne Room!
This would probably explain why I found THESE in Stefan’s underwear, last night . . .
“Scientifically” speaking, I’m not even sure THIS can happen to vampires. But if it CAN, it probably happened to Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .
Anyway, after their fight, Elena and Stefan are keeping a safe distance from one another. As for Stefan, he is out on the dock, gossiping, like a little school girl, with his Big Bro Damon . . .
DAMON: “And that Dorky Werewolf was like, ‘I’m going to kill you.’ And I was like ‘Ow, my neck hurts,’ and then Elijah was like ‘RIPPPPPP, hey Damon, wanna eat some were-hearts with me?’ And I was like ‘Cool! I still want you dead though.’ And Tyler was like ‘I’m outtie 5,000.’ . . .”
STEFAN: “Yeah, I know, Damon. I watched the episode on ITunes, last night . . .”
Meanwhile, Elena is camped out on the couch, reading the “exciting” tale of how her boyfriend once ate all her ancestors, thereby almost preventing her from EVER BEING BORN!
“W TF, Stefan! I better be getting a REALLY expensive anniversary gift, if you want to make up for this one!”
You guys have met Dark Stefan, right? You know . . . he was the guy from the “Miss Mystic Falls” episode, that aired last season — the one who ditched his girlfriend at the local beauty pageant, so that he could suck on one of her competitors.
Well, he’s BAAAAAACK! (And I mean WAY BACK . . . like, 1864 . . . back.)
(By the way, my personal apologies go out to the over 550 people who searched for “Stefan Salvatore Fist Pumping Gif” this morning, and were mistakenly directed to my blog by WordPress, even though I didn’t actually “own” this GIF until about two hours ago. Oops!)
Thanks to Jonathan Gilbert, and his compulsive need to write EVERYTHING DOWN, we are whisked back in time, to 1864, along with Elena. Once there, we witness Jonathan Gilbert enjoying a nice “Dinner Party” (Ahhhh . . . parallels! Gotta love em’!) with the other so-called “Founding Families” of Mystic Falls. Suddenly, there is a rustling in the trees, outside . . .
So, the “Brave” Jonathan, and another random Town-Founding Dude, head outside to investigate. Jonathan immediately whips out his trusty
Cereal Box Toy Vampire Detector Watch, to determine if EVIL is truly afoot.
It’s not afoot (YAY!) . . . and then, suddenly, it is (BOO!). Within seconds, Founding Dude 2 becomes a Vampire Happy Meal. So, does Jonathan, for that matter . . .
Or DOES HE? As it turns out, in addition to being the owner of cheesy Vampire Detector Watches, Jonathan also wears an Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality. And so, he returns to life, after being eaten. This enables Jonathan to ID his killer in his diary. And I bet you can’t guess who it is? (I’ll give you a hint: His name rhymes with Mefan Malvatore.)
“Oh, Stefan! You have some ‘splaining TO DO!”
Back in Present Day, Stefan saunters back into the lake house. Apparently, his fun little conversation with Damon has done little to improve his mood. The Dude still has a MAJOR stick up his ass, over the whole “Elena Suicide Pact” thing. (Poor Schuck! He has NO IDEA of the massive sh*tstorm he’s about to walk into.)
“Still mad?” Elena asks her beau slyly.
I won’t recap for you EVERYTHING Stefan says in response, because he basically details all of last week’s episode, in his speech. However, I WILL tell you that he was dumb enough to end his monologue with “That’s the understatement of the century.” *facepalm*
“YOU would know!” Elena snarks. (Silly Stefan! You walked right into that one . . . or should I say “that pun”!)
Stefan admits that he ate the founding families
because he was really hungry because he was pissed at them for what he THOUGHT they did to Katherine. He hadn’t expected Jonathan for to survive, and finger him (OK . . . that sounded dirty) for the murders. Stefan then reluctantly agrees to tell Elena all about the fabulous life / redemption arc of 1864-era Dark Stefan. After all, better she find out all the bad stuff from HIM, than from her half-chewed wackadoo ancestor!
We are then treated to a fun little 1864 taste of what it would be like if Paul Wesley was cast as DAMON SALVATORE, and Ian Somerhalder as STEFAN. (PERISH THE THOUGHT!) We see Dark Stefan chilling in his mansion (La Casa de Rich and Awesome — MY HAVE YOU CHANGED!). Evil Steffy apparently fills his days by screwing the townie girls’ little peabrains out, and then EATING THOSE BRAINS, once he’s finished screwing the bodies attached to them . . .
Enter Cockblock Damon (I can’t even BELIEVE I am using those two words in the same sentence!) with his Adorably Curly 19th Century Hair, and Judgy McJudgerson Puppy Dog Eyes . . .
Good Damon compels all Stefan’s little tartlets to leave La Casa de Rich and Awesome immediately, and never come back — thereby, effectively saving all their lives. Damon also tells his brother, in his Stefan-iest voice, that the latter’s “appetites” are going to get them both killed, if Dark Stefan is not careful.
Having grown tired of Dark Stefan, and his tendency toward emotion free screw-killings, Damon has decided to skip town ALONE. Upon hearing this, Dark Stefan shows emotion, for the first time during this flashback. Clearly, desperate for companionship, he begs his brother to reconsider . . .
“If you stay, I’ll let you eat the girl behind the Piano’s boobs!”
But Damon is far beyond putting up with his Brother’s B.S. He has already made up his mind . . .
So, a dejected Stefan heads out to a Civil War Battlefield for more Human Snacks. He comes upon a blonde chick in a hood, and tries to gnaw on her. The only problem is, she’s a vampire. In fact, she’s a vampire who WE ALREADY KNOW!
The Awkward Moment when you try to eat a girl (non-sexually, of course), and she ends up being dead . . . ish.
OMG! It’s LEXI! Remember her from the 162 Candles Episode? If not, she was Stefan’s bestie . . . who celebrated his birthday with him . . . Then, DAMON KILLED HER to cover his ass for murders HE COMMITTED!
Anyway, as it turns out, it was Lexi who crashed with Stefan during those dark 1864 days. And it was Lexi who taught Stefan that turning off your feelings isn’t the “right” way to be a vampire. After all, vampires with NO feelings can’t
get horny FALL IN LOVE! And “love conquers all!” (OK . . . that whole speech was nauseatingly cheesy! But we like Lexi, so it’s acceptable from her . . . I guess.)
Perhaps, the most poignant moment of the flashback is when Lexi and, her future murderer, Damon, meet on the stairwell of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, as he is heading out of Mystic Falls, en route to becoming the SUPER HOT, but also DEEPLY wounded and tormented, vampire he is today . . .
Lexi prophetically warns Damon that the day will come when the anger he is feeling toward his brother for depriving him of his human life, will consume him, and lead him toward darkness. In return, Damon asks Lexi to promise to take care of Stefan, because he clearly needs it. And Lexi keeps that promise . . . well . . . until Damon kills her, of course.
You know . . . you’ve really gotta hand it to Stefan. Here’s a guy who LITERALLY murdered his girlfriend’s entire family. And, yet, he somehow manages to turn the story of how he did it into a GUILT TRIP against his girlfriend for being willing to die to SAVE HIS LIFE!
At the end of the flashback, Stefan tells Elena that HE never gave up on life, despite having once been a Sociopathic Mass Murderer, so she shouldn’t give up either. Ummmm . . . How sweet (?)
“It was a solid effort. But you are still not getting laid this weekend, you Gilbert EATER!”
Speaking of relics of the past, let’s talk about BONNIE’S POWERS!
From Bewitched to Un-witched
“When I said I was looking for a new ‘Choker,’ this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind . . .”
Oh, Bonnie! You didn’t really think you’d be able to Mind Rape Luka —
. . . son of the Big Bad Jonas Brother from Another Mother — and NOT suffer any consequences, as a result, did you? Awwww, YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU? That sucks!
When we first see Bonnie, her and Jeremy are alternating between eye f*ckery, and dancing around the issue of their little makeout session from last week . . .
After THAT KISS, and weeks and weeks of these two circling one another like dogs in heat, I REALLY can’t believe that Bonnie is STILL yammering on with her whole “What will Elena think, if I start boning her brother?” nonsense. It’s annoying!
Jeremy obviously thinks so too. But, fortunately, for Bonnie, he
unlike ME also finds it endearing. For this reason, Jeremy plans to woo Bonnie by planning a not-date / date — one that expertly masquerades as “Witch Practice.”
“Damn, I’m SMOOOOTH!”
That being said, I did have a teensy weensy bit of an issue about Jeremy using thousands of friggin candles as “date decoration.” Not only is that a MAJOR FIRE HAZARD (Honestly, doesn’t the Gilbert Household have enough PROBLEMS, without you trying to BURN IT DOWN, Scrappy Doo?), it also kept reminding me of the LAST TIME Bonnie and Jeremy found themselves surrounded by similar “date decorations” . . .
Yeah . . . ummm . . . Jeremy? Last I checked, kidnapping, mind rape, and spell-induced seizures? Not exactly romantic!
Fortunately for Jeremy, Bonnie isn’t bothered by the candles nearly as much as I am. And, within moments, her and Jeremy are
dry humping “channeling eachother’s energies” on the floor. (So, that’s what the kids are calling it, nowadays! ;))
Then, suddenly, THIS HAPPENS . . .
*sings* “Ooh, what a feelin’! When you’re dancin’ on the ceiling!”
That’s right, boys and girls! As it turns out, Papa Warlock is not too keen on the whole “Mind Rape of his Son” thing. So, after throwing Jeremy AGAINST THE WALL OF HIS OWN HOUSE, and MAKING HIM STICK THERE, like a Giant Human Spitball, Jonas turns his attention to Bonnie, who he strangles, while chanting gibberish. “This is for your own good,” he tells her.
When Jonas finally lets Bonnie go, and Jeremy can peel himself off the wall, the latter rushes to his new gal pal’s side, to make sure she’s OK. “He took my powers,” Bonnie gasps, as if unable to believe that this is really happening to her.
(OH, BELIEVE IT HONEY! BECAUSE IT”S TRUE! A guy like Jonas, who can murder dozens of werewolves with a Headache Spell, can SURELY take away YOUR lame-ass powers, in a heartbeat.)
“I’ll get you my, Bonnie! And your Mini Gilbert too!”
All kidding aside, I actually think there is something to be said for Jonas’ seemingly throwaway comment to Bonnie that he took her powers away, for her own good. After all, we all know that WITCHES are extremely important to vampires, particularly ORIGINAL vampires like Santa Klaus, who are intent on breaking the Moonstone Curse. We also know that Jonas’ daughter is being held captive by Klaus BECAUSE of her powers. If Bonnie is just
boring and annoying normal, she will no longer be at risk to be targeted by dangerous supernatural creatures with ulterior motives. Just sayin’!
Uh Oh! Bonnie didn’t seem to like that comment. I really hope she doesn’t give me . . . Oh wait, that’s right, she can’t do ANYTHING to me anymore, can she? Because she doesn’t have powers! HAHA! 😉
Now that we’ve gotten all THAT out of the way, on to the GOOD STUFF . . .
*ahem* Good “stuff” indeed!
Elijah Does His Best Impression of Kenny from South Park
Oh My GOD! You killed ELIJAH . . . and un-killed him . . . and killed him again! YOU BASTARDS!
When we last saw Damon, he was a bit . . . indisposed . . .
But now, our sexy vampire stud is BACK, and READY FOR BUSINESS! And this week, that “business” involves killing Elijah (TO SAVE
his future girlfriend ELENA . . . WHO HE LUUUUUUVES, of course).
To do this, Damon plans to use a Special Dagger, coated with dust from a White Oak tree . . .
According to Creepy Uncle / Father John, only THIS type of dagger can kill an original vampire. But Damon (wisely, as it turns out) doesn’t 100% trust Creepy Uncle / Father John. And so, to corroborate the legend, our Lonely Lothario decides to pay a little visit to the tomb-trapped Katherine, who, admittedly, has been looking a bit, worse for wear, of late . . .
SOMEONE needs to moisturize! Oh . . . and that Bottlecap Nose Ring of yours? Not cute . . . AT ALL!
Katherine perks up a bit, when Damon feeds her some blood. However, that happiness appears short-lived, when Damon starts discussing how he plans to kill Elijah. “If you kill Elijah, I will be stuck in here forever!” Katherine
lies through her fangs exclaims!
This FACE = HILARIOUS!
Damon immediately takes Katherine’s
faux frightened response as confirmation that John was right. Originals CAN be killed! And this dagger is the way to kill them! With the murder weapon confirmed, Damon begins to put Phase Two of his plan into motion. He does this by compelling his new Stepford Sex Toy Andie to invite Elijah, Jenna, and Alaric all over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for a Dinner Party . . .
“Just because I’m planning to kill you, doesn’t mean I don’t have a Massive Boy Crush on you, Elijah . . . you heartbreaking, hair-flipping stud, you!”
(Speaking of homoerotic, did anybody else notice the MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MASCARA AND GUYLINER Alaric was wearing, this week? What was up with that?)
Don’t even TRY to tell me that’s natural! It’s NOT!
As for the Dinner Party itself, it is probably one of the most awkward, bizarre, and hysterical social events of the ENTIRE SERIES! I mean, first you’ve got Elijah . . .
. . . who’s alternating between flirting shamelessly with EVERYONE in the house (male AND female) threatening Damon and Alaric that he will KILL the entire guest list, if they try any “funny stuff” (like . . . say . . . trying to stab him with an oak-coated dagger), and spouting off lame, and incredibly BORING, historical tidbits about Mystic Falls . . .
Then, you’ve got Guyliner Alaric . . .
. . . who spends most of the dinner pouting in the corner, because (1) he’s jealous of the attention Elijah is paying to Useless Aunt Jenna (though, admittedly it’s unclear WHICH of these two people he is actually jealous OF); and (2) he is certain that his bromantic buddy Damon is lying to him, when he says that the Dinner Party is nothing more than a “fact-finding mission.” (The only FACT Damon is interested in “finding” is how much an Original BLEEDS when he dies.)
Then, there’s Useless Aunt Jenna . . . zzzzzzzzzz
. . . nd Stepford Sex Toy Andie, who Damon has probably compelled so many times that the entire frontal lobe of her brain has turned to cottage cheese . . .
And . . . WAIT A SECOND . . . who the heck invited Creepy Uncle / Father John?
When it comes time for “dessert,” Damon coyly separates Elijah from the pack so
they can have AWESOMELY HOT VAMPIRE SEX he can stab his MASSIVELY OLD guts out. And he is just about to do so, when, conveniently enough, Alaric gets a frantic call Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .
“Can you hear me now? GOOD!”
As luck would have it, Jonathan Gilbert wrote about KILLING ORIGINALS in his diary. There’s even a picture of that dagger John gave Damon in Jonathan’s writings. And under the picture it says . . . THE DAGGER CAN ONLY BE USED BY A HUMAN . . . BECAUSE IF IT’S USED BY A VAMPIRE, THE VAMPIRE DIES TOO!
OH NO! Creepy Uncle / Father John TRIED TO KILL MY DAMON by getting him to KILL MY ELIJAH! THAT BASTARD!
Could someone remind me again WHY they put THIS GUY’S FINGERS BACK ON, afte Katherine CHOPPED THEM OFF in the season one finale?
Just imagine how much TROUBLE could have been prevented, if these “little piggies” had gone into the trash compactor, like they were SUPPOSED TO!
Now, it’s important to note here, that AS SOON AS ELENA read the passage about Damon possibly dying, Stefan RUSHED RIGHT OFF TO CALL ALARIC, without reading the additional “rules” about the dagger. Granted, this might have been necessary, because, Damon was just MOMENTS AWAY from stabbing Elijah, when Alaric ran in to hand him THIS . . .
(Not that any of you care, but I have TERRIBLE handwriting, myself. So, the fact that Alaric ALSO writes like a toddler, makes me like his character SO MUCH MORE!)
Needless to say, Damon is not pleased AT ALL . . .
But then, just when you think Damon might do something rash, like murder Creepy Uncle/Father John (DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!), or start pummeling Elijah with his bare hands (which, admit it, would be really hot!), THIS HAPPENS . . .
And then Elijah starts to look like this . . .
. . . which is SO NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR HIM. And it’s a TOTAL SHOCK, because, really, this is NOT the way you would expect a BAMF like Elijah to go out. I mean, he wasn’t even standing when it happened, he was SITTING DOWN, TALKING ABOUT DULL ASS MYSTIC FALLS HISTORY, for crying out loud. He didn’t even have time to do his trademark hair flip! It would have been a travesty for Elijah to have died this way. Notice, I said “would have been” . . .
So, while Team Bad Ass members, Damon and Alaric, are giving eachother manly backslaps . . .
. . . and Alaric is whining to Damon, about how he’s his only friend (NOT TRUE!), so he should be more honest with him (well . . . THAT part is true!) . . . Stefan has finally decided to let Elena read the REST of Jonathan’s entry about the dagger. And get this: it turns out, an Original is only dead for as long as the DAGGER STAYS IN HIS BODY. ONCE YOU . . .
. . . ahem . . . EXTRACT IT . . . The Original Vampire COMES BACK TO LIFE!
So, let me get this straight . . . “pull IT out” = nothing happens
“keep IT in” = DEAD VAMPIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY
In other words, this is The Rhythm Method of Vampire Murder. . . and Alaric, who has always been a “pull it out” kind of guy . . .
. . . didn’t exactly DO IT correctly, if you catch my drift.
So, we cut back to Damon, who, after promising his BOYFRIEND that he won’t “lie to him anymore,” has returned to the basement to collect his Original Vampire Trophy.
Oh yeah, Elijah is SO ALIVE and SO MIA! (And I hate to say it, but I’m kind of glad.) I bet you can’t guess where our Undead-undead BAMF-pire went next?
That’s right, Fangbangers! A gentleman until the very end, Elijah WALKED his beautiful butt ALL THE WAY TO THE LAKE HOUSE, so that he could PERSONALLY tell Elena that, in light of recent events, all promises he originally made regarding Scooby Gang protection were hereby waived.
“You have nothing left to negotiate with,” Elijah explains, with what I detect is a genuine note of sadness. (I really think the Old Vamp had a soft spot for our Elena. And why not? EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.)
But Elena DOES have a bargaining chip. “Promise me you won’t harm anyone I love, even if they harmed you. Otherwise, I will stab myself to death with this dagger. Then Stefan will turn me. And I will become a vampire. Just like Katherine did. And you will have nothing.”
Elijah smiles, clearly enjoying this. “I’m going to have to call your bluff,” he explains.
Then THIS HAPPENS!
Now, the usually calm Elijah is FREAKING THE F*&K OUT! “Yes, yes, you have the deal . . . LET ME HEAL YOU!” Elijah exclaims.
And it’s awesome seeing him unhinged like this. Somehow, Elena, has managed to get the upper hand over an original vampire, in a way that nobody else has been able to so far. HE NEEDS HER. After securing Elijah’s word that he will not harm the people she loves, a dying Elena moves toward Elijah . . . and . . . STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH WITH THE ORIGINALS KILLING KNIFE!
Now, Elijah is dead . . . for real this time . . . which, actually saddens me. I’m going to miss THIS . . .
And so will DAMON, I think! Speaking of Damon, it is at this moment that he MAGICALLY APPEARS . . .
“Just a tip. Don’t pull the dagger out,” Big Bro Salvatore notes wryly. (OH DAMON! How I love you, let me count the ways!)
Speaking of people of I love, HOW AWESOME IS ELENA! Then, after singlehandedly saving the day, our girl impresses me even further by giving her vampire men the WHAT FOR, for WRONGLY ASSUMING they knew better than she did how to handle this whole “Doppelganger” THING. “You want me to fight? I’ll fight, but you can’t keep things from me anymore. From this moment on, we do things MY WAY,” Elena demands, in a surprisingly KATHERINE-LIKE TONE.
The boys AGREE! And I’ll say it again, ELENA RULES!
Oh . . . to be in the middle of this Salvatoreo Sandwich right now!
In other news, Useless Jenna sort of /kind of dumped Alaric for being dishonest to her about
TWO SEASONS WORTH OF VAMPIRE DIARIES EPISODES ex-wife Isobel and her undeath.
Maybe she’s not so useless after all . . . (Wait . . . did I just say that?)
Then, Alaric surprisingly relented and gave Creepy Uncle /Father John the UglyAss Ring of Immortality he TOTALLY DOESN’T DESERVE, warning him, “After what you did to Damon, you are going to need it more than I am.”
Be afraid, ASSHAT! BE VERY AFRAID!
Back in the AWESOME SHOWER fo La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .
Just reminding you why it’s awesome . . . that’s all!
Damon walks in on THIS . . .
And my TEAM DELENA heart starts doing this . . .
But, of course, it’s not’s Elena . . . It’s KATHERINE! That’s right, Damon! Killing Elijah didn’t TRAP the Sexy Vamp in the tomb forever, it FREED HER FROM the Original’s Compulsion!
Remember how earlier in the season Creepy /Uncle Father John promised Katherine that he had set plans in motion to get her out of the tomb, so that SHE could help protect Elena from Klaus? Well THIS was exactly what he meant . . . killing Damon was probably just be an added bonus for HIM.
However, it happened, KAT IS NOT ONLY BACK, SHE IS MOVING IN TO LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME? Does this mean us Kefan fans will FINALLY get the sex scene we were so RUDELY denied a few episodes back?
Something tells me, Elena is NOT GOING TO BE PLEASED!
Let the Doppelganger Hijinx ENSUE! You can check out the EXTENDED version of next week’s promo, “The House Guest,” right here.
Do I sense some HOT Delena moments in our near future? I SURE DO! (Who cares if it’s a case of mistaken identity? They ARE RUBBING UP ON EACHOTHER. AND I’m HAPPY, DAMMIT!)
It’s only a matter of time!
And that’s all I’ve got folks. Feel free to sound off in the comment section about “The Dinner Party,” and/or your thoughts on “The House Guest.” Are you sad Elijah’s gone for good? Are you psyched for Katherine’s return? What is the most AWFUL TORTUROUS death to which Damon can subject Creepy Uncle / Father John? My vote is for something that involves leeches . . . and private parts. But that’s just me ;).
See ya next week, Fangbangers!