First “The Hurt Locket,” now “Inglorious Bassterds?” Looks like SOMEONE on the writing staff has an Oscar fetish . . .
A LONG, LONG time ago (1993 to be exact), LONG before many Gossip Girl fans were even alive, let alone allowed to see R-rated movies, there was a film called Indecent Proposal.
The movie revolves around a young married couple (Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson), who lose their life savings during a game of roulette. A wealthy older man (Robert Redford) swoops in to “rescue” the couple from financial ruin. He offers to give the pair one million dollars (which was A LOT more money back then, than it is now). The catch? In order to receive the money, the wife must a spend one night with the older man. You can probably guess what happens next. But in case you’re curious, and your Netflix queue is already full, you can get a nice Cliff Notes-esque synopsis here.
Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was, in effect, a homage to this classic film, and a good one at that. But before we delve into the tragic tale of Chuck and Blair, let’s get the less important stuff out of the way. Shall we?
The Bitch is Back!
“Like I ever left . . .”
Just in case last week’s episode of Gossip Girl had the intended effect of making you feel sorry for Jenny Humphrey (what with her being roofied, and almost gang-banged, and all), tonight’s episode should bring you back down to reality. It is Nate Archibald’s birthday. So, his GF Serena is throwing him a bizarro surprise party that involves a bunch of rich snobs wearing Polaroid pictures of themselves around their neck (SO LAST SEASON!), and ripping them off one another, while playing an “intense” game of Assassin.
Huh? Since when did Gossip Girl get all prude and teetotaling on me? OK, now maybe this is just because I’m not from the UPPER EAST SIDE. But in my experience, birthday parties for 19 and 20-year olds typically involve attendees getting wasted and naked, not playing a glorified game of tag.
“Assassin! How fun! Then, after that, we can play a rousing game of pin the tail on the donkey!”
Anyway, in order to maintain the birthday “surprise,” Serena has to institute that ever over-used television cliché of “let’s treat the birthday boy like crap, so he thinks we don’t care about him turning a year older.” And, apparently, The Brilliant Nate has never watched a sitcom in his life, because he TOTALLY falls for it! So, when Jenny tries to use the “surprise” to her advantage, and plays the “I was roofied and almost raped. Woe is me” card, Nate blows off Serena, and agrees to spend the day with Little J. As a result, Nate shows up extremely late to his own “fun” party . . .
“We would have come earlier, Serena. But I just couldn’t seem to get Nate out of bed . . .”
During the game of Assassin, Jenny and Nate are the last pair standing. Jenny makes a show of waving the white flag, claiming that Nate is entitled to be a winner on his birthday. However, when he comes to collect her picture from her neck, Jenny plants a sloppy wet one on his lips, and pulls his picture first, winning the game. Nate reminds Jenny that he is Serena’s boyfriend, and that he and Jenny can only be “friends.” But Jenny, being the psycho stalker determined girl that she is, refuses to give up hope that one day she will win her man. Word of advice to Nate: Cover your balls and hide your pet bunny!
Jenny Humphrey circa 2030 . . .
In other news, Vanessa and Dan’s plotline of the evening ACTUALLY involved an argument over whether they truly appreciated eachother’s writing abilities. And then, at the end of the episode, Vanessa “betrays” Dan by applying to the same college program as him, without telling him that she is doing so. Seriously? I’ve seen more risqué plotlines on Sesame Street!
“Some people just wouldn’t know fun, if it jumped in the tub with them and squeezed their Rubbie Duckie.”
And now for the GOOD stuff!
If you recall, last week, the EEEEVVIL Jack Bass (played by Desmond Harrington) stole Chuck’s hotel (conveniently named “The Empire”) out from under his nose. When the episode opens, Chuck approaches Jack, tail between his legs, willing to do ANYTHING to get back his precious building. Money is no object, of course. Unfortunately, what Jack wants is something, or rather, someone, that money can’t buy. Or can it?
Later, at an expensive store uptown, Jack finds Blair eyeing a peacock-looking dress. Jack informs Blair that he offered Chuck the hotel in exchange for a night with Blair (sound familiar?), but Chuck turned it down. Jack explains to Blair that Chuck is too proud to accept his offer, and that only SHE can save the hotel for her boyfriend. Blair initially balks at the idea, but reconsiders it, when Chuck tells her that his hotel is lost for good, and that he has no shot of ever getting it back. When a package from Jack is delivered to Blair, later that evening, containing the peacock dress inside, Blair reluctantly puts it on, and heads off into the night. Later, Chuck finds the empty box with the telltale letter inside, and immediately assumes the worst.
One peacock dress for one night spent with a pea-sized cock?
At the hotel, EEEVVIL Jack makes a show of attempting to seduce Blair, but she’s not having it. She just wants to get this over with so Chuck can get his “Empire” back. She issues Jack a contract, already signed by her, whereby Jack sells the hotel back to Chuck for a modest profit. (Note to Blair: Courts don’t look too favorably on contracts for which the main “consideration” is prostitution . . . Just saying.)
Blair makes Jack promise not to tell Chuck their secret. (Yeah, because in the past, Jack Bass has been SUCH a man of his word.)
“You’re secret’s safe with me, Mistress Number 27!”
Jack agrees to Blair’s terms and signs the contract. But he surprises her, by ending the engagement early, after doing nothing more than planting a chaste kiss on her lips. WHAT????? NO SEX??? NOT EVEN FROM EVIL JACK BASS? CLEARLY, I AM WATCHING THE WRONG SHOW!
But this is when things really get interesting. You see, according to Jack, CHUCK orchestrated this whole thing. Jack claims that he forced Chuck to choose between the Empire and Blair. And Chuck chose the EMPIRE!
By the look on Blair’s face, you could tell she TOTALLY believes Jack. But my bullshit meter was going off the charts. “He is so full of crap! Don’t believe him Blair!” I yell at my television, in vain.
What happens next, shocks the heck out of me. Blair confronts Chuck and he . . . ADMITS THE WHOLE THING! Chuck claims that he had to keep the terms of his agreement with Jack a secret, otherwise Blair never would have gone through with it. Then, Chuck would not have gotten his hotel back.
Blair, of course, dumps Chuck’s ass. And Chuck is left alone with his Empire. I hope Chuck got a lot of joy out having security escort Jack from the building, because something tells me, that’s the last time he’s going to experience any sort of pleasure for a LONG TIME!
Now, call me an idealist, but I’m still not entirely sure that Chuck actually DID agree to let Blair sleep with Jack. Something about Chuck’s expression when he saw that empty dress box, told me that he was truly heartbroken over Blair’s decision. It’s possible that Chuck lied to Blair in order to save his pride, because he couldn’t look at her, knowing all that she sacrificed for him. I could be wrong. But I HOPE I’m right . . .
Until next time . . . XOXO