Tag Archives: the first secret

Everybody Hates Emily? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Through Many Dangers, Toils and Snares”


Greetings, My Pretties!  Happy New Year, and welcome back!  It sure has been a long cold winter, without any nefarious texts from “A,” sneers from Blind Jenna, obligatory Ali flashbacks, or Pretty Little Couple’s Makeout Sessions.


Fortunately, Pretty Little Liars is back with a vengeance.  And if this mid-season premiere episode is any indication, we are in for quite the wild ride.

So slip into that fashionable orange jumpsuit, practice your right hook, and prune your garden hoe, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .


We open on a completely random shot of little girls jumping rope to some Pretty Little Liars’ themed rhyme.  You know, because little girls are scary . . . especially ones who jump rope.  Then again, perhaps I only think this because I was a particularly unathletic child.

Anywhoo . . . it’s been one month since our fabulous foursome was caught fondling the Big Fat Shovel That Killed Now-Dead Ali.  The time jump conveniently ensures that we can skip over all that Boring Legal Stuff the girls likely had to endure for being the MAIN SUSPECTS IN A MURDER!

Thank goodness for that!  And, while we’re at it, thank goodness for Spencer’s Mom!  She must be the best criminal attorney EVER!  Step aside, Guy Who Represented O.J. Simpson (Johnny Cochran, R.I.P.).  There’s a new sheriff in town!

But lest you think our pretties got off scot-free, this is NOT the case.  They had one month of community service, which basically entailed picking up trash on the highway.  (Take that, Lindsay Lohan!)

At first blush, this doesn’t sound so bad, right?  I mean, aside from being a very environmentally conscientious “green” thing to do, they get to do it together.  So, here I am expecting a nice, fun-filled, scene filled with snarky one-liners, community service hijinks, and maybe even a chain gang sing-a-long a la Glee.  But, alas, it is not to be.  Something stinks in Rosewood.  And it’s not the trash on Highway 16 . . .

Suddenly Emily is TOTALLY sticking it to Spencer for not wanting to go in on her “Big Plan.”  She even goes as far as to suggest that Spencer’s rich, fancy parents would throw the rest of the girls under the bus for Ali’s murder, if they had the chance . . .

Cue Spencer Face . . .

 Ugly Horse Sweater not included . . .

Next thing you know, Spencer is tossing her garbage bag at Emily, and the girls are throwing down, Fight Club-style . . .

The moment that launched hundreds of M-rated Spemily Slash fanfictions . . .

Things get so intense between the two growling, grunting, hair-tugging teens, that the local sheriffs have to intervene.  (But not, Police Boy Garrett . . . whose sole function on the police force seems to be to sit in his car and suck face with Blind Jenna twirl his non-existent Evil Mustache and plot World Domination).  The altercation results in two extra weeks of community service for each girl.  Oh, and Spencer’s dreams of an Ivy League education are pretty much shot to hell.  But, hey, I hear the Women’s Wrestling Federation is hiring!

But Spencer isn’t the only one who seems to be hating on Emily.  Back at La Casa de Marin, Hanna is also giving her the cold shoulder.  AWK-WARD . . . especially considering that, last I checked, these two were sharing a bedroom.  Emily doesn’t mind too much though.


After all, she got a Really Cool and Mysterious Fax.   Maybe it’s from the Womens’s Wrestling Federation.  Meanwhile . . .

Frowny Fitzy and Avoidant Aria

Aria’s skipping through town with her used-to-be-crazy for about three episodes Little Brother Mike.  (By the way, does anyone else think Little Brother Mike kind of looks and acts like Little Brother Jeremy from The Vampire Diaries?  Just wondering . . .)

Little Brother Mike tells Aria that he’s happy he has a nice new therapist, and that people don’t look at him like he’s a Bobble Head anymore.  This caused me to wonder how exactly people look, when they are looking at a Bobble Head.  Do they just nod a lot?

The Montgomery duo run into Fitzy in town.  So, Aria, being super slick, and not-at-all obvious . . .

. . . tells Little Brother Mike to go throw out her coffee cup in the Trashcan Far, Far Away.  Little Brother Mike complies, but not without looking at Fitzy, like he’s a Bobble Head.  (See what I did there? ;))  Apparently, Aria’s been giving Fitzy the Big Freeze, ever since Wacky Jackie threatened to have her former honey fired from Hollis College, if Aria continued to see him.


This probably would have been a REALLY good time for Aria to tell Fitzy that his latent-onset psycho ex-fiance will most likely come after him with an axe screaming, “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN,” if the two are seen together.  But hey, Pretty Little Liars wouldn’t be Pretty Little Liars if all the characters didn’t keep completely unnecessary secrets from one another.  And besides, Little Brother Mike is back from his trek to the Trashcan Far, Far Away.  So, it’s hasta la vista, for now, Dear Fitzy . . .


Elsewhere . . .

We’ll get you, Policeboy Garrett! (And your creepy blind girlfriend too.)

Clearly having picked up a thing or two about creepy fortune-cookie-esque taglines from “A,” Spencer confronts the traitorous Police Boy Garrett.  She does this, pretty much just to make fun of his now-public relationship with Blind Jenna  . . .


(If by “interesting” you mean “stomach-turning” and “vomit-inducing,” then, yes, they certainly are “interesting,” Spencer.)

Spencer also wants to freak to Police Boy Garrett out, by making him think that she’s on to his involvement in their frame-up and/or Ali’s murder, and/or A’s antics .  . .


I’d say her intimidation tactics were successful, but it’s really hard to tell.  After all, Police Boy Garrett only seems to possess one facial expression: the “I Just Got Laid by a Minor” look . . .

Given that, it’s often difficult to determine whether he is scared, angry, smug, or just really has to pee . . .


Things continue to go from crappy to crappier for Poor, Newly-Outcasted, Emily Fields.  We find out that the fax she received earlier in the episode was actually a clean bill of health from that time “A” put steroids in her skin cream.

Don’t do it. NOOOOOOO! 

An excited Emily approaches her athletic advisor with the results,  hoping that she can finally rejoin the swim team.  The problem, of course, is that Emily is a murder suspect.  And I guess the thought that one of your teammates might bash your head in with a shovel in the locker room is “bad for team morale,” or whatever.  Then again, that Paige chick ALMOST DROWNED SOMEONE.  And she still got to swim.  Lame . . .

 To make matters worse, Emily almost comes to blows with Spencer in English class, when the two knock into one another, conveniently sending one another’s books flying across the floor.  (Wink, wink.)


This prompts “A” to send Emily a text message . . .

. . . and Emily to respond, in a way that would only make sense if “A” happened to be in the same English class . . .


After class, Emily is at her locker, when she comes upon a book she accidentally/ on purpose took from Spencer.  (It’s The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers.  I’m not really sure that’s relevant.  But I figured, it couldn’t hurt.) Inside the book is a note instructing Emily to meet SOMEONE at 10:30 p.m. that night.  Emily complies.  And, SURPRISE!  It’s the rest of the girls.

Apparently, all this “Hating on Emily” was just a Big Ole Ruse to make her look like the Weakest Link, and get “A” to meet her.  Clever, right?  Yeah, I didn’t think so either.  But it did give the actresses a chance to wrestle!  So, yay to the writers for that . . .

Lucas Flirts with Hanna / Has an Online Gambling Problem (?) / Gets His Heart Broken


Though I love me some sexy Haleb action just as much as the next girl, I’m still a Lucas / Hanna shipper at heart.  So, of course, the nerd girl inside of me did a little Happy Dance, when I found out that Lucas has been keeping Hanna company, while his bromantic buddy, Caleb, is soaking up the sun in California with his Rich Bio Mom . . .

Apparently, Lucas has been spending whatever time he’s not actually with Hanna, combing the internet for pictures of her in her prison jumpsuit . . . which, to him, is probably almost (but not quite) as good as porn.  I think it’s super sweet that Lucas is willing to take down all these pictures to spare Hanna’s “pristine” image.


But Lucas is no dummy.   He knows an opportunity for flirtation when he sees one.  And so, he cleverly manages to sneak into the conversation the fact that he thinks Hanna looks “pretty,” even in prison garb . . .


You’ve got to admit, the Dude’s got game.  Speaking of game, this was the Super Mysterious Website he had on his screen, before Hanna sat down next to him . . .

It looks like some sort of online sports gambling site.  Perhaps, in addition to a successful eBay Auction career, and expert finder of Hanna Marin pictures, our adorkable, innocent, chlorine intolerant, Lucas is also a bookie.  Who knew?

It recently occurred to me that Lucas is not only a Mini Seth Cohen from The O.C.

He also may very well be the future lovechild of Leonard and Penny from The Big Bang Theory.  (Yes, I watch way too much television.)

How else would you explain his feeble attempt to interest Hanna in the fascinating world of comic books and graphic novels?

But alas, this little foray into geekdom will be short-lived.  Not long after the the Beauty and the Geek duo return to Hanna’s house,  they find Mr. Sexy Pants, himself, Caleb, right there waiting for them.


It becomes immediately apparent that the Caleb / Lucas bromance is starting to sour, when Lucas not-so-subtly implies that he liked Caleb much better when he was living in California, as opposed to regularly boning their mutual dream girl.

Lucas then wryly lectures Caleb on possibly leading Hanna on, if he plans on staying in California, for the long term.   It’s a nice gesture, on Lucas’ part, but, at the same time, a bit self-serving.  And I say this as a Lucas Fan . . .  (Please don’t let him be “A” or Ali’s killer . . . pretty please, Writers!  I beg you!)

Elsewhere, in Unrequited Love Land . . .

Spoby on the Rocks .  . . with a Rocking Chair

Apparently, Spencer took A’s thinly veiled threat regarding Abs Toby’s safety VERY seriously . . . so seriously, in fact, that she hasn’t said a word to him, since she unceremoniously dumped him in his car, one month ago.  But when the going get dumped, the dumped build rocking chairs.  And that’s exactly what Toby does for Spencer . . . you know . . . because she’s secretly an 80-year old woman with a bad back and arthritis . . .

But Spencer doesn’t want anything to do with Toby, or his senior citizen gift (or, at least that’s what she wants him to think).  And she tells him as much  .  .  “Forget about me,” she tells him, coldly.  “Worry about your sister and that cop boyfriend of hers,” she concludes, before stalking into her house.


Poor Abs Toby.  I blame the rocking chair . . . if he had only taken off his shirt, instead, things might have gone differently . . .

GIRLFIGHT III: Now with more Liars . . .

At the school swim meet, Abs Toby confronts his pal Emily, to ask her why Spencer is suddenly acting like such a Raging Biatch.  Emily, of course, has to pretend that her and Spencer aren’t friends anymore, so that they can keep up their ruse with “A.”  And she too, blows off Toby.

After the match, the girls stage their Big Fight for “A.”  During it, Emily asks Spencer for the box that Jason gave Aria, which purportedly contains Ali’s things, and a “Big Clue as to A’s Identity.”  Backed by the other girls, Spencer angrily refuses to tell Emily the location of the box.  And Emily threatens to find it, and steal it.  Moments later, Emily receives yet-another text from “A.”  It says . . . (drumroll please) . . .

Those watching the altercation include Lucas, Caleb, Garrett, and Toby . . . along with . . . well . . . I guess the rest of the school, just to narrow it down for ya!

Ezria Comes Out of the Closet / Gets a Fat Lip

Under the guise of returning a book to Ezra, Aria sneaks into his office at Hollis College, while he’s teaching a class, in order to leave him a love note of some sort.  Of course, who should walk in to witness this but Wacky Jackie . . .

And she’s ANGRY!  Aria has DISOBEYED her, and now SHE WILL PAY!  Or will she?  Because Fitzy just so happens to have heard the WHOLE THING!  And he is not amused by his batsh*t crazy, faux-tanned, ex’s antics.  This discovery prompts Aria to FINALLY come clean about why she dumped Fitzy in the first place, which, in turn, prompts Fitzy to decide that he and Aria should come “out” to her parents, ASAP . . .

Oh, the awkwardness of this moment!  I was squirming in my seat, as Fitzy, looking like a frightened child faced down Aria’s parents.  All he really had to do was tell them that he and Aria were dating now.  Or better yet, a t-shirt might have sufficed . . .


But noooooo!  Fitzy had to be all honest.  He just HAD to tell Aria’s parents that he LOOOOOOVEED Aria, and that he’d been dating her the WHOLE TIME he was her teacher.  Now, I’m not saying, they would have taken the news better, if it was a bit more edited down, but it certainly would have been worth a shot.


That said, I was proud of Aria  for having the courage to stand up, walk over to Fitzy, and hold his hand.  It was a nice moment of solidarity between these two.  Plus, I’m pretty sure her brave actions kept poor Fitzy from pooping in his pants . . .


 Now, we all know how Mama Montgomery reacted, when she thought Fitzy was diddling Spencer.  So, the fact that she took news of her own daughter’s May/December romance with the English teacher badly was no surprise.

But Papa Montgomery?  Mr. I Made Out with a Student Young Enough to Be My Kid in Front of my Own Daughter and Made Her Promise Not to Tell Her Mother?  You would think that he, of all people, would at least pretend to be a bit more understanding . . .

*cough* douchebag *cough* 

Yet, things are about to get worse for Fitzy.  Of course, Daddy Hypocrite promptly kicks him out of the house.   But before he can go, Little Brother Mike dashes down the stairs to give his sister’s not-so-new lover a little parting gift.  I’ll give you a hint.   It’s something that rhymes with “lunch.”


Sayonara, Poor Man’s Megan Fox Wacky Jackie

Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, hey, hey, hey, GOOOODBYEEEEEE! 

Understandably, Fitzy heads back to Hollis to lick his wounds and get faded on that fancy Scotch he supposedly doesn’t like to drink.  Then, in walks Jackie with her smug face that I want to reach into the screen and pound into a flat pancake . . .


Apparently, Fitzy feels the same way, because he threatens her with the awesomest one liner to ever emerge from his mouth . . .


He even manages to add a hint of Crazy Eyes to the line delivery, which just makes the statement all the more awesome.  Suddenly, I have this great image of Fitzy going all Terminator on Wacky Jackie’s ass . . .  Now, that’s an episode I’d want to see . . .

As for Hobag’s now completely useless threats against Aria, Fitzy had these final words to say . . .


Balls . . . Fitzy has them . . . who knew?

The Return of Dipsh*t Daddy, Evil Kate, and (Slighty Creepy Again,This Week) Abs Toby . . .

Poor Emily . . . she’s got no luck this week.  Here she is FINALLY waiting at the greenhouse to confront A, and NONE of her friends are on time meeting her.  First there’s Aria, who’s grounded for having a teacher boyfriend.  Interestingly enough, she ends up getting a helping hand out of the house, from none-other-than Little Brother Mike, who offers her an escape route, as a way of apologizing for beating up her boyfriend.  Apparently, he only did it, so that his father wouldn’t get a chance.  Way to stick it to the Man, Little Brother Mike . . .

Then Hanna has to meet with her Douchey Daddy, who tells her that he’s moving his whole new family, including that beast of a stepdaughter Kate to Rosewood, in order to punish Hanna for stopping the wedding help the Marins become one big happy family again.  Ugh!  KATE!  I thought we were rid of that evil wench . . .


Spencer can’t leave, because Toby has accosted her in her home, once again.  Oddly enough, he seems to have taken Emily’s side, in their faux-fight, after the swim match, and is accusing Spencer of turning into Ali.  Woah!  Tobster, comparing a woman to a dead b*tch is not exactly the way to win back her heart!  Just sayin . . .

Spencer pushes past Toby, promising him that she will explain everything, tomorrow, provided he promises to let her go, and not follow her.


And if you believe he kept his promise, I have a bridge to sell in you in Brooklyn for a dollar . . .

“A” Does Some Gardening with Emily’s Face, Hanna Gets Revenge, and we get a cliffhanger . . . 

Ugh!  I know this was an exciting scene.  And it had a great final payoff.  But this was the part of the episode that frustrated me the most.  You ever watch one of those cartoons, where the super villain has this GREAT opportunity to kill the main protagonist?  But he mucks it up, by taking like FIVE MINUTES to explain his entire master plan, before pulling the trigger?

That’s how I felt about Emily, when she confronted her black-hoodie wearing nemesis in the greenhouse, in the final moments of this episode.  Now, granted, perhaps, she was just stalling, while waiting for the rest of the girls to arrive.  But really, there were so many ways she could have unmasked “A” in this scene.

Annoyance aside, the smug expression on Emily’s face, when she revealed to  A, that she FINALLY got the upper hand on him or her, by getting him or her to come all the way out in the middle of nowhere, just to look inside, what ended up being an empty box, was full of win.  Kudos to Shay Mitchell for an excellent perfomance in this scene.


And yet, really, did she have to SHOW “A” the box?  Wouldn’t it have made sense for Emily to ask “A” to reveal him or herself, BEFORE giving up the information?  Or, perhaps she could have told “A” to “come and get” the box, and ripped the hood off his or her head, once she got close enough to do it.

Another option would have been to stall, until all the girls got there, and had them all jump out and tackle “A” together, ripping off his or her hoodie, before the villain knew what hit him or her.  Of course, my favorite option, by far would be for the PLL’s to install a camera inside the box, so that it snapped a picture of “A,” once he or she opened it, and sent a picture of the culprit to one of the PLL girl’s cell phones.

But alas, Emily did none of these things.  And this gave “A” the opportunity to ATTACK HER WITH NUMEROUS GARDEN TOOLS, BREAK GLASS OVER HER HEAD, and TRY TO STRANGLE HER . . .

Folks, that’s not good . . .

Luckily, Aria and Spencer arrived just in time to prevent “A” from KILLING Emily.  But they didn’t get their fast enough to catch “A”, before he or she managed to escape the greenhouse on foot.  You know who DID sort-of catch A, though?  HANNA . . . WITH HER CAR!  Seriously, how great is that? (Payback’s a b*tch!)


Of course, in any normal world, getting hit by a car, while wearing a hood, would cause one’s hood to fall off, thereby revealing the victim’s identity.  But no such luck here, as “A’s” sweatshirt is apparently made of Kryptronite or some other supernatural material that renders it impervious to impact by cars.  Additionally, it is important to note that while Hanna nearly lost HER life from being hit by “A’s” car back in season one, “A” managed to get up and run away, without so much as a scratch on him or her.  Go  figure!

But Hanna’s not all that upset about this.  She just wants to know if any of her pals managed to figure out A’s sex, while fondling the perpetrator in the greenhouse . . .


Silly Little Liars!  They had “A” right in their clutches, and no one thought to try and get to second base . . . pity!  And yet, there is a silver lining to this cloud.  You see, the impact of Hanna’s car might not have caused “A” to lose his or her hood.  But it did cause “A” to lose a CELL PHONE . . .


 Uh oh, “A”!  It looks like you really do have something to be afraid of, now . . .

The final moments of the episode, show a rather frantic, and pissed-off “A” looking desperately for his or her cell phone, which we know the girls have already stolen.  He or she then breaks the window to (I think) Hanna’s car, which, honestly, I’m not sure why she left there.  It seems like a particularly boneheaded thing to do, under the circumstances.  But hey, what do I know?

Next week’s Pretty Little Liars’ promises lots of cell phone hacking antics, an in-car smooch, and a whole lot of yelling . . . You can check out the promo here.  (I haven’t managed to find the Canadian promo yet.  But as soon as I do, I will most certainly be sure to share.)

So, what did you think about the Mid Season premiere?  Were you fooled by the girls’ faux fighting?  Are you happy that Caleb is back, and that Ezria is finally out of the closet?  Have any new theories as to who “A” might be, based on the clues we received in this episode?  Oh, and where the hell was Blind Jenna or Mona, during all of this?  And, more importantly . . . WHERE’S MY WREN?

Until next time, my Pretties . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]


Filed under Pretty Little Liars

Beware of Ugly Baby Head – A Recap of the Pretty Little Liars’ Halloween Special “The First Secret”

“Hey Baby!  You’re cute!  Wanna go out sometime?” 

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week, the makers of Pretty Little Liars offered us VERY IMPATIENT fans of the series a little treat to tide us over, during the show’s interminable hiatus.  Or, perhaps, I should say, a TRICK OR TREAT . . .

“Mmm . . . a human hand . . . yummy.  (Tastes like chicken.)”

I’ll be honest.  I went into “The First Secret” not expecting too much.  After all, this was an out-of-season “special”  . . . one that many fans of the show probably won’t even see, given the random time during which it aired.  How many clues could they REALLY reveal, during an hour like this?   I thought to myself, as I sat down to watch the show, this past Wednesday night.  Well, as it turns out, the answer to that question is A LOT!

In many ways, “The First Secret” was a gift to both loyal fans of the show, and readers of the PLL book series.  The episode succeeded in:

 (1) capturing the spooky mood of Halloween;

(2) providing a fresh coat of paint to a series that was beginning to show signs of a slight sophomore slump;

Sorry . . . it had to be said. 

(3) answering a lot of questions that viewers have wondered about, since the pilot episode; and

(4) offering viewers a treasure trove of new clues and theories to ponder over, between now, and January, when Season 2 returns.

Not bad for a “stand-alone special,” right?  You know what would have made the episode PERFECT though?  A little WREN . . .

But hey, we can’t always get EVERYTHING we want, right?  So, suit up in your favorite costume (as long as it isn’t Lady Gaga), and keep your cell phone handy for any phantom texts from “A,” because it’s time to learn “The First Secret” . . .

(Special thanks go out to Home of the Nutty, for most of the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Bad Twin?

Either Ali is SUPER self-absorbed (which, we already know she is), or her and Vampire Jason have another sibling .  . .

My favorite parts of this episode were the ones that seemed to suggest that either Ali HAD a psycho twin sister, once locked away in the looney bin, who was now out for revenge, or that she WAS the psycho twin sister.  The most obvious hint of this was the “scary story” Ali told the little boy she and Hanna were babysitting at the beginning of the episode,  The story in question revolved around two twin little girls, who played dolls with one another, until one went nuts and stabbed the other.


Then, the stab-happy sister gets shipped to a mental institution.


The dolls the two girls in the scene play with look similar to the one we find in Ali’s “Secret Box” later in the episode.  Another hint to the fact that there may be some truth to Ali’s story, is the arrival of the Radley’s Sanitarium truck (a clever To Kill a Mockingbird reference), which pulls up outside the abandoned Rosewood home, shortly after Ali finishes her tale.

After Ali finishes her story, we are treated to a Halloween-themed version of the original PLL opening sequence, which is AWESOME!  It basically takes the already-creepy theme song, and Pretty Dead Girl Images, and makes them even more spine tingling, by throwing thunder, lightning, and strategic blood splatters into the mix.


“I’m Watching You”

Note to self: Hanging out in creepy abandoned houses, is a great opportunity to look up girls’ skirts – A.

The actual episode begins, in October 2008, about a year before the events in the pilot take place.  Still-alive Ali, is walking with Fat Hanna, Goth Aria, Nerdy Spencer, and Shy Closeted Tomboy Emily.  The group is trying to decide whether Hanna should shave her head, so that she can be Bald Crazy Brittany Spears for Halloween . . .

Ahhh .  . . memories. 

Of course, given that Hanna is currently donning a ridiculous looking fat-suit  a bit on the hefty side, shaving her head would probably make her look more Buddha than Britney.  So, instead, she opts for Britney’s “Hit Me Baby, One More Time” naughty school girl incarnation.

“But Hanna, if you show your tummy, everyone will see your FAT SUIT!” 

Then, Bushy Eyebrows Noel (whose eyebrows resembled furry caterpillars far less, back in 2008, by the way) drives up in his “super cool” car, with his “super cool” varsity friends.  This happens, so that Noel can flirt shamelessly with Ali (Apparently, these two were an item, back in the day?), and invite all of the PLL girls to his “super cool” Halloween party, which will take place at his “super cool” house.

On second thought, they were actually just as bushy . . . 

For Ali, being invited to Old Caterpillar Eye’s party is no big deal.  But to the rest of the girls, it’s . . . like .  . . OMG .  . . the best thing EVER!  The foursome decide to get ready for the party together in Spencer’s room, because Spencer is filthy rich.

SPENCER:  “I am wearing ugly glasses, and a dorky belt, so you can tell that I am a ‘NERD’.”

ARIA: “I am wearing pink streaks in my hair, and a rocker tee, so that you can tell that I am a ‘GOTH.'”

EMILY: “I have a boyfriend, because I don’t want you to know yet that I am a ‘LESBIAN.'”

After Noel drives off with his friends, to go mutilate puppies, or whatever it is that “cool,” Bushy Eyebrowed boys do with their spare time, the rest of the girls take a few moments to talk about the SCARY ABANDONED HOUSE, that seems to have a SCARY ABANDONED PERSON in it, who was brought over by the SCARY MENTAL HOSPITAL TRUCK, which the girls, of course, fail to notice.  Do you guys smell something?  I think that’s the scent of FORESHADOWING . . .

 Barbie’s Dream House, it ain’t!

Emily walks off by herself and comes upon Not YetAbs Toby, who, at this point, is still Creepy Toby.  Creepy Toby is SUPER DEPRESSED, apparently, because his dad just married this witch Soon-to-Be-Blind Jenna’s mom.  So, now he has to help Soon-to-Be Blind Jenna unpack her sh*t, including her Ugly Ass Snow Globe Collection, which, as we know from future episodes, will eventually fill the family living room with glass encased weirdness . . .

“Shouldn’t she have packed this in a box, or something.  How did it not break on the trip over here?”

“Don’t be sad, Tobster.  Once you stop picking your nose, get a better haircut, and start taking off your shirt more often, you will get a hot girlfriend, and recappers will stop calling you Creepy.”

Later, at the Costume Store, we get to hang out with the not-dead-yet Ali . . .


Fake Smile Alert!

Ali is skipping around the costume shop when, OH NO, someone comes behind her and grabs her face.  WHO COULD IT BE?  (IS IT  .  . . A?)

Don’t worry kiddies, it’s just Bushy Eyebrows Noel . . . again.

“Fooled ya!” 

Then Ali looks over and sees Not-Blind-Jenna lurking around the Lady Gaga costumes (or, as Ali calls her . . . since, they are like “close” or something) “Lady G.”

Why be Lady Gaga, when you can be Ugly Baby Head?  Didn’t you know that all the cool kids are dressing up as Ugly Baby Head, this year! 

Ali is FURIOUS that some new soon-to-be-blind chick has the NERVE to attend a costume party in HER costume.  So, she decides to go and give this Jenna B*tch a real piece of her mind . . .  Of course, she does it in that, “so nice, it’s evil,” way that mean girls have of dominating social situations.  In Not-Yet-Blind Jenna’s defense, she doesn’t seem at all intimidated by Ali’s Alpha Female antics . . .

ALI:  “You may be laughing now, but you’re going to be a blind, freakish brother f*&ker, by this time next year.”

NOT-YET-BLIND-JENNA: “And you’ll be DEAD.   So . . . I WIN!”

Moments later, Ali gets a text on her 2008-era cell phone.  It could be from the infamous “A.”  Or it could be from one of the other 80 people who seem to enjoy stalking Ali.  It’s hard to tell, honestly . . .

Least creative stalker message, EVER! 

Ali turns nervously, and finds herself face to face with . . . you guessed it . . . UGLY BABY HEAD!  She calls him (or her) a freak, and stalks out of the costume shop.

Hello, Creepy Pedo Not-Yet-Zombie Ian and Fitzy!

“I’m totally putting this on YouTube.  That’s been invented already, hasn’t it?”

Creepy Pedo, Not-Yet-Zombie Ian are at Spencer’s house.  And Creepy Pedo is videotaping Ali, while she talks about her smelly grandma.  (Why do people always assume old people smell bad.  For the record, my grandma always smelled AWESOME.  Just sayin.)  Then, Spencer comes down the stairs, with Melissa, who is being weirdly nice to her little sister, as she helps her with her speech for the upcoming school election.

“In less than a year, one of you will be dead, and one of you will be carrying a Demon Child in her womb.  I bet you can’t guess which one is which!” 

Melissa, who is dating Ian at this time (pre-Wren, of course), talks about how Spencer will definitely win the election because she is a Hastings.  She also notes that her and Ian will be dressing up for Halloween as Bonnie and Clyde.  Awww, how cute.  *gags*  There is some tension between Ali and Melissa, which, likely can be attributed to the fact that Ali is secretly boning Melissa’s boyfriend.  But Spencer doesn’t seem to notice . . .

“Hey Spencer’s sister, maybe if you were better at sex, your boyfriend wouldn’t have to get his jollies, by boning every pre-teen in town.”

Meanwhile, over at Hollis College, Aria has a chance encounter with a special someone . . .


Awww, he waved at her!  How cute!

Aria, not at Hollis to see Fitzy though (She doesn’t even KNOW him yet.)  She’s actually there to visit her  cheating turd of a dad.  When she arrives at his office, some slutty chick is sitting on Daddy’s couch, totally making herself at home.

“Your dad is such a nice guy, Aria.  He always lets all the girls in his class take naps on his office couch.  And only one of them ended up pregnant, as a result!” 

Aria asks her dad about the random chick on his couch.  But he kind of blows it off as “no big deal.”

“I swear Aria, I’ve never seen this girl in my life!  *mouths to Meredith*  (Psst . . . Don’t forget to pick up your thong from under my desk.)”

Beware of Deputy Douchies!

Hey Hanna!  We get that you’re supposed to be “Hefty.”  You don’t have to rub it in our faces by wearing CAKE PAJAMAS!” 

Hanna is home alone watching a SCARRRRY MOVIE, when her lights flicker, and there is a scraping sound at her window . . .

Then the phone rings.  It’s a Breather . . . you know those people who call you on the phone and start wheezing into the mouthpiece, so they sound like Santa Claus having an asthma attack?  Hanna hangs up the phone, super creeped out, only to have it ring again, the minute she returns the phone to its cradle.  It’s THIS GUY . . .

JUST KIDDING!  It’s ONLY Ali!  She wants to know is Hanna happened to be at the costume shop today, dressed as Ugly Baby Head, or if she sent her a phantom not particularly stalker text message on her cell phone.  Hanna did neither of these things . .  . probably because she was too busy adjusting her fat suit eating, or something.

The doorbell rings.  And Hanna nervously rises to answer it.  It’s her mom, and Deputy Douchey, who is currently just Douchey Cop.  (Now . . . why didn’t Hanna’s mom have keys to her own house?  Weird.)

“Hello, Hanna.  Would you, perhaps, have any interest in engaging in a threesome, with myself and your mom?   I brought protection.” 

To be honest, it’s kind of refreshing to know that Hanna’s mom already knew Deputy Douchey, back when she boned him in the pilot episode, so that he would drop Hanna’s shoplifting charges.  This makes Hanna’s mom seem like way less of a ho-bag, than I initially thought she was.  Anywhoo . . . Hanna’s mom, was apparently drunk as a skunk at some bar.  So, Deputy Douchey offered to drive her home in hopes of getting laid out of the kindness of his heart.  Douchey Cop makes some not-so-subtle suggestions that he be invited inside for a quickie cup of coffee.  But Hanna and her mom are clearly not interested.  And so, he reluctantly leaves.

Hanna and her mom then briefly discuss their financial troubles, and Hanna’s dad’s new girlfriend, before Hanna’s mom passes out on the couch.  YAY for Good Parenting!

*sigh* “I guess I’ll go eat my feelings, now.” 

“Shy on the streets.   Sexy in the sheets (or in the backseat of a car).” 


The next day at lunch, the girls are all gossiping about a rumor Wifebeater Ben apparently started, about his having sex with Emily.  Emily alludes to the fact that this rumor might be true.  And all the girls seem surprised, excited, and a bit jealous to hear about it . . .

“I’m not sexually attracted to girls.  Not me . . . no sir . . .”

Then, Nerdy Mona comes by, and all the girls laugh, as Ali humiliates the crap out of her . . .


So, Mona has to go sit at the NERD Table with Lucas.  FOR SHAME!

“Awww, man!  Tuna for lunch, AGAIN!” 

Did I mention before that Spencer is running for Class President?  Because she IS . . . And she has way better posters than that lame chick “Dana Williams.”   (To compare both posters, simply scroll up three pictures.)


I only mention this, because I have this theory that “Dana Williams,” Spencer’s opponent, is actually “Not-Now-Dana.”  a.k.a. the Random Girl Who Just Got Eaten by Stefan on TVD . . .

After school, we are treated to that flashback from the pilot, where Aria learned of her dad’s affair, by finding him hooking up in the backseat of his car, with that slut, Meredith.  Only this time,  we have the joy of experiencing it in Real Time . . .  (Mona sees it happen too!)

“Tra la la . . . eating yogurt is fun.  (And not at all fattening.)” 


“What a LOSER!  She is SO not touching our yogurt.  Hey, isn’t that your dad, making out with the slutty student who was laying on his couch, with her legs open, earlier in the episode?”

“Hey, you’re not my Mommy.  Why is your tongue cleaning my Daddy’s teeth?”


Vampire Jason Strikes Again . . . (and so does Douchey Cop)

“I want to suck your blood . . . but first, let me give you this Mysterious Package.” 

That night, Ali is home in her bedroom, which may or may not feature a picture of her Evil Twin Sister on the bedroom wall, when Jason comes in to talk about “making a movie.”  He’d like to tell Ali what that movie is about, but if he told her he’d “HAVE TO KILL HER!”  (I smell foreshadowing again!)   After Jason leaves, Ali opens the box and finds a voodoo doll in it.   The doll comes with a note . . .

“OMG!  This is the ugliest doll I’ve ever seen.  I’m so going to bully it at school.  And make it’s life a living hell.”

“Well, that’s not very nice!”

Ali then does what most of us do, when we receive creepy voodoo dolls with threatening messages attached to them.  She opens her heater vent, and pulls out another box.  Wait . . . WHAT?

The box contains an ugly doll that looks surprisingly similar to the one the two girls played with in Ali’s scary story.  There’s also a necklace in there of some sort.  (I suspect this was the box Jason gave to Aria, earlier in the season.)  Ali unscrews the dolls head, and puts the “I’m going to torture you” note inside.  Then she closes up the box, and puts it back in the heater.  I guess Ali doesn’t want anyone to know she still plays with dolls . . .

It’s just a letter . . . nothing to lose your HEAD over . . . 

Back at Hanna’s house, Douchey Cop pops over again.  And this time he’s REALLY insistent on coming inside.  But he gets REJECTED.  Hanna seems concerned.  But her mom, doesn’t think much of it.  “He’s just a horny cop.  I’m sure we won’t see him again . . . ”  Riiiiiiight.

“Kiss me, I’m Douchey . . .” 

“Kiss me, I’m wrapped in a towel, and staring at your butter.”

Everybody cries . . . sometimes

“I’m not crying because I might lose the election.  I’m crying because I REALLY HATE TO SEW!” 

Now, Ali is at Spencer’s house.  (Girlfriend gets AROUND!)  Spencer is crying, because she’s afraid she won’t win the class election.  And, if she loses, her dad will think she’s a total loser!  So, Ali vows to make sure that Spencer wins the election . . . probably by paying Stefan to eat Not Now Dana . . . (It’s all starting to make sense now.)

Over at Aria’s house, Aria and her dad, are having an incredibly awkward conversation, in which Aria’s dad has the NERVE to tell his daughter not to rat him out for boning that student, because finding out would make his mom SAD . . . or something.  Yeah, he’s a TOTAL A$$HOLE, Aria!  I’m glad “A” told on his ass . . .

“Please don’t tell your Mom, I’m a total loser, who wears way-too-tight shirts, and who she never should have married . . .” 

*sniffle*  “I think she already knows.”

“I don’t think I can ever forgive you for this,” whispers Aria, as she storms out of the room.

Then she cries.  And her dad cries. And I cry.  We ALL cry . . .


Fake Sex, Hermaphodites, and Election Wins . . .

The next day, Ali suggests that Emily go on the pill, since she’s apparently started boning Wife Beater Boyfriend Ben.  Emily admits to Ali that they didn’t really have sex.  This causes Ali to wonder why Emily let everyone believe that Ben “took the VIP tour to Never Never Land . . .”

We know that Emily only did this so no one know she’s really gay.  But she makes some excuse about planning to bone Wife Beater Ben in the future, anyway, so why not let people think she’s doing it now.  Yeah . . .  that makes sense . . . not really . . . but OK, Emily.

At school, Aria claims to be COOL with her Dad being incapable of keeping his weiner in his pants.  But the ugly hat she is wearing says otherwise . . .

“Hanna eats her feelings.  I wear them on my head.” 

Then Spencer wins class president election.  YAY!  (In other news, Not Now Dana is Dead.)


“That b*tch!”

Also, Lucas is wearing a dorky pumpkin t-shirt.  And spilled soda on Ali.  So, she called him a hermaphodite.  You know, because people with both kinds of private parts, are very clumsy, and like to wear orange . . .

Don’t worry.   I’ll lick it off you.” 

After the girls leave, Lucas tells Mona that Ali will one day “get what’s coming to her.”

It’s Party Time . . . (and quite possibly time to DIE!)

As promised, the girls all get ready for Noel’s SUPER COOL Halloween party at Spencer’s house, where . . . SOMEONE MAYBE WATCHING THEM . . .

After the rest of the girls leave, Aria seems not so psyched about attending the party.  So, Ali blackmails her to go, by threatening her that, if she doesn’t, Ali will tell everyone about her dad’s affair with the Student Slutbag . . .

“Wow!  You really are a terrible human being, you know that?  No wonder half the cast of this show are suspects in your murder.” 

“I know.   And my Lady Gaga costume sucks too . . .”

At the Halloween Party, Spencer has dressed up as Bloody Mary . . . but not the cool, scary, pops out of bathroom mirrors, Bloody Mary, the boring historical one . . .

Spencer has made the Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls mistake of not dressing up as something sexy, while attending a Super Cool Halloween party.  (For shame.)  Busy Eyebrows Noel is dressed as a doctor.  (Yeah . . . because THAT’s creative.)  And a whole lot of people came to the party as Ugly Baby Head . . .


And what’s worse, she’s a WAY HOTTER LADY GAGA THEN ALI!

Knowing that she’s been beaten at her own game, Ali offers Not-Yet-Blind Jenna a spot in her SUPER ELITE circle.  An offer which Jenna promptly declines.  She’d much rather hang out with Looking A lot Less Nerdy Now, Mona, who is dressed as Cat Woman, thank you very much!


Ali won’t let this rejection ruin her party.  So, she makes her way around the room, stopping to flirt with some boys . . .


She also pulls Spencer aside, to show her all the random ballots she STOLE, so that she would win the presidential election.  “I thought you’d like to look at them first.  You’d be surprised at who your friend’s AREN’T.”  Ali notes slyly, before walking away.

OK . . . first of all, where the heck did Ali hide those ballots in her costume?  (Did she put them in her BRA?)  Second of all, aren’t ballots supposed to be anonymous?  Third of all, which PLL girl in her right mind would vote for Not Now Dana, instead of Spencer?  Fourth of all . . . yeah . . . I don’t have a fourth of all . . .

Then Ali sees Emily drooling over Not-Yet-Blind Jenna.  So, of course, she has to make a clever comment about that . . .

Emily LIKE! 


Later, the girls get a text from Ali, claiming that she is stuck at the Creepy Farm House, and that they should come alone . . .

Uh oh!  I hope Ugly Baby Head didn’t take her . . .

Things get kind of spooky, from here on in.  The girls enter the farmhouse, and go up the stairs . . .

Of course, Ugly Baby Head is there.  Because everybody knows Ugly Baby Head never misses a party . . .

“Come play with me.”

The girls here noises, and are really FRIGGIN freaked out.  Then Ali, pokes her head out of a door, claiming that some dude grabbed her.

“Please help me.  I’m too young to die.  (I’ll be old enough in a couple of months.  But I’m too young, now.” 

Ali goes back behind the door to check if the dude is gone, and to call the cops.  But then SHE IS GRABBED BY AN UGLY BABY HEAD!

Want a hug?” 

She screams.  The girls SCREAM.  WE ALL SCREAM!


But then, it turns out Ali is OK . . . OR IS SHE?  (Maybe her Evil Twin took her away?)


Back at the party, all these other cast members, have randomly arrived.  Douchey Cop is there, and so are Vampire Jason, Melissa, and Creepy Pedo Not-Yet-Zombie Ian . . .

“For Halloween, I’ve decided to dress up as a slightly less Douchey version of myself .  . .

Bushy Eyebrows Noel is back, except now he’s wearing a costume that looks less like the doctor one he was wearing before, and more like Ugly Baby Head . . .

Ali asks Bushy whether he was the one who grabbed her in the haunted house earlier, signifying that what happened to her up there, may not have been the Big Funny Prank on the rest of the PLL girls, that Ali pretended it to be.  Bushy claims he didn’t do it.  And I believe him, only because I think he’s too stupid to pull something like that off.  Then Lucas appears at the party, and he’s dressed as . . . wait for it . . . UGLY BABY HEAD!  (Surprise!)

WOAH!  Lucas looks SUPER EVIL in this screencap! 

There’s yet another Ugly Baby Head at this party.  But his identity is never revealed.  (Seriously?  The people in Rosewood REALLY need to get more creative about choosing their Halloween costumes.  It’s not like there’s ever been an Ugly Baby Head movie!  How the heck did this costume get so popular?)

At the end of the episoe, we get our first OFFICIAL text from A.  Here it is . . .

*insert evil laugh here*

And that was “The First Secret” in a nutshell.   So, what did you THINK?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]


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