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The post where I pretend to have a Twitter Account, and help Jimmy Fallon host the Emmys

 

As you probably already know, the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards will be airing live this Sunday night (August 29th), at 8 p.m on N.B.C., with Jimmy Fallon acting as host.  What you may NOT know, is that YOU have the opportunity to write some of his jokes!  And who do we have to thank for this groundbreaking opportunity?  Why, Twitter, of course!

You see, unlike during other Emmy specials — where you spend half the time cringing at the lame one-liners the hosts come up with to introduce the show’s various celebrity award presenters — this year, you get to write them, YOURSELF!

Here’s how it works.  When you click on this website, you will be directed to a list of all of the presenters for this year’s Emmy awards.  Do you have something funny, amusing or poignant to say about a particular celebrity?  Do you have an existing Twitter account?  If you have answered “Yes” to both questions, simply click on your favorite actor or actress’s name, and you will be directed to a place where you can tweet about them to Jimmy Fallon and his writing staff. 

If Jimmy and his staff like what you wrote, there’s a chance Mr. Fallon will read it LIVE ON TV (giving full credit to YOU and your creative Twitter handle, of course)!  You can tweet to Jimmy throughout the Emmy Broadcast (or, at least until your choice presenter has presented).  Pretty cool right?

Well . . . here’s the problem.  I don’t have a Twitter account . . .

 . . . and I don’t plan on opening one just for this contest, cool as it may be.  So, here’s what I decided to do.  I’ve written a Twitter-sized Emmy intro for EACH of the presenters.  You can read them.  If any of them don’t make you groan or roll your eyes, feel free to tweet them to Jimmy Fallon.  If you do that, and throw at least partial credit to “KJewls” or “TV Recappers Anonymous,” I will be your best friend for life! 

If not . . . well, at least I tried. 

So, without further adieu, my Emmy presenter introductions:

1) Ann Margret

You might remember her from classic films like Bye, Bye Birdie, The Cincinatti Kid, and Viva Las Vegas.  But what really stands out in my mind is her brilliant performance in The Santa Clause 3.  It’s Ann Margret!

2) Anna Paquin

On HBO’s True Blood, she plays the coolest fairy to ever date a boy that doesn’t age, since Tinkerbell.  It’s Anna Paquin!

3) Alexander Skarsgard

Bite into America’s favorite Swedish meatball  . . . It’s Alexander Skarsgard!

4) Betty White

Before Twilight, or True Blood, or The Vampire Diaries, before the wheel was invented, America’s first true vampire was a Golden Girl.  Please welcome the immortal, Betty White.

5) Blair Underwood

Barak Obama was busy tonight, so we got the next best thing.  Set to play the President of the United States, in the upcoming NBC Drama Series, The Event , it’s Blair Underwood!

6) Boris Kodjoe

He’s sexy.  He’s bald.  He’s black.  He’s beautiful.  I’d do him.  Everybody welcome, Boris Kodjoe!

7) Christopher Meloni

Question:  If Detective Elliot Stabler from Law and Order SVU fought convicted murderer, Chris Keller, from Oz, who do you think would win?  Only this guy knows . . . It’s Christopher Meloni.

8 ) Claire Danes

When Jordan Catalano broke up with Angela Chase, I cried.  When Beth died in the Little Women movie, I cried.  When Juliet died in the Romeo and Juliet movie, I cried.  Stop making me blubber like a baby, Claire Danes!

9) Edie Falco

Last night I had this dream that Carmela Soprano was getting high in the on-call room with Nurse Jackie.  Thanks for the memories, Edie Falco!

10) Emily Deschanel

If this lovely lady is leaning over you and stroking your face, it probably means you’re dead!  She plays Temperance Brennan on Bones.  It’s Emily Deschanel!

11) Eva Longoria Parker

Though perhaps best known  for playing the delectable Gabrielle Solis on Desperate Housewives, our next guest REALLY won my heart as Flight Attendant 3 on Beverly Hill, 90210.  It’s Eva Longoria Parker!

12) Gugu Mbatha Raw

She bears the distinction of having the hardest name to pronounce in Emmy history.  Dr. Who is she?  It’s Gugu Mbatha Raw!

13) January Jones

We can’t really blame Betty for dumping Don Draper on Mad Men.  Her people are Nordic.  It’s January Jones!

14) Jeff Probst

He’s been on Survivor for TEN YEARS, and NEVER once been voted off the island.  Everybody welcome, Jeff Probst!

15) Jim Parsons

In order to invite Dr. Sheldon Cooper to present this award, we had to disinvite Leonard Nimoy and Stan Lee.  They both have restraining orders against him.  Sorry guys!  It’s Jim Parsons!

16) Joel McHale

Joel McHale is the nicest, smartest, hottest, and most wonderful man on the planet.  Shh, I’m only saying this, because I don’t want him to make fun of me on The Soup.  It’s Joel McHale.

17) John Krasinski

For our next presenter, we wanted to get the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin.  But Dwight Schrute was unavailable, so we settled for Jim Halpert.  Everybody welcome, John Krasinski!

18 ) John Lithgow

What is this world coming to? The world is at war, the economy is a mess, and the dad from Harry and the Hendersons is a serial killer!  Say hello the Evil John Lithgow!

19) Jon Hamm

The Dapper Don Draper is here.  An attendant will be stopping by to retrieve all the panties that just dropped on the floor.  Everybody welcome, Jon Hamm!

20) Julianna Margulies

Women scorned by slutty manwhore hubbies the world over, can take a page out of this lady’s book.  She plays Alicia Florick on The Good Wife.  It’s Julianna Margulies.

21) Keri Russell

Please give a big round of applause for the gal who played Felicity Porter . . . or she might cut her hair again.  Ladies and gentleman, Keri Russell!

22) Lauren Graham

She went from playing the fast talking, coffee swigging Lorelai Gilmore, to the bartending, teacher smooching, Sarah Braverman.  It’s everybody’s favorite MILF, Lauren Graham!

23) Laurence Fishburne

Our next presenter is the only guy who could possibly explain The Matrix movies to me.  It’s Laurence Fishburne!

24) L.L. Cool J.

Someone tweeted me this really funny L.L. Cool J. joke.  But when I told him about it, his mama said knock me out.  Please don’t hurt me, L.L. Cool J!

25) Mariska Hargitay

This next presenter could totally kick my ass.  She plays Dr. Olivia Benson on Law and Order:  SVU.  It’s Mariska Hargitay!

26) Matthew Morrison

On Glee, he plays Will Schuester, a teacher who can Bust a Move, Alone, Like a  Gold Digger, Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  He also looks great in a thong.  It’s Matthew Morrison!

27) Matthew Perry

He’s the Friend who got it on with Courtney Cox BEFORE David Arquette.  Could he BE any luckier?  It’s Matthew Perry!

28) Maura Tierney

Nurse Jackie learned everything she knows about addiction from this next presenter.  She played Dr. Abby Lockhart on ER.  It’s Maura Tierney!

29) Nathan Fillion

I had this great idea for a mystery novel.  So, I tweeted it to Rick Castle.  Then I realized he’s not a real person.  Thanks a lot, Nathan Fillion!

30) Neil Patrick Harris

If Barney Stinson gave relationship advice to Doogie Howser, M.D.  and Dr. Horrible, they’d all look a bit like this guy.  Please don’t steal my job, Neil Patrick Harris!

31) Ricky Gervais

When I made that comment about Dwight Schrute being the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin, I really offended this guy.  Everybody welcome, Ricky Gervais!

32) Sofia Vergara

I’ll admit, I don’t always understand what she’s saying on Modern Family.  But it always sounds beautiful.  It’s Sofia Vergara!

33) Stephen Colbert

I’m proud to present the next President of the United States, Stephen Colbert!

34) Stephen Moyer

He’s the only person in the world who can make the name “Sookie” sound like a sex act. It’s Stephen Moyer!

35) Ted Danson

This man needs no introduction, because he only goes where “everybody knows his name.”  It’s . . . shoot  .  . . what’s that guy’s name again?  Oh yeah!  Ted Danson!

36) Tina Fey

She’s a writer, producer, actress, and an Emmy and Golden Globe winner.  Thanks for making us all look stupid and lazy, Tina Fey!

37) Tom Selleck

I’m so excited about this next guest.  He’s been such a role model for me throughout his distinguished career.  Everybody, put your hands together for Tom Selleck’s MUSTACHE  . . . oh, and Tom Selleck too, I guess.

38) Will Arnett

Our next presenter is perhaps best known for his role as magician GOB Bluth on Arrested Development.  Well, if you’re such a great magician GOB, why don’t you make your show reappear!  It’s Will Arnett!

There you have it, 38 celebrity Emmy presenters, and 38 introductions for Jimmy Fallon.  I sure hope he appreciates it!  See you at the Emmys!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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It Was Not Your Mother’s Golden Globes . . . (But It Might Have Been Your Dad’s)

For all you guys out there who complain that award shows — with their pretty dresses, teary-eyed acceptance speeches, and penchant for period piece films — are the primetime equivalent of a “chick flick,” the 67th Annual Golden Globes ceremony seemed determined to prove you wrong.  In fact, this year, it actually may have been the women viewers who felt a bit neglected and unloved by the festivities . . .

This boys’ club atmosphere began on the red carpet, where it just so happened to be heavily raining.  This undoubtedly put a literal damper on the female actresses’ dreams of having their painstakingly coiffed hairstyles gushed over by Joan Rivers and her minions.  The lucky ones stood under umbrellas that obscured most of their features during the interview portion of the evening.  As for the others . . . well, needless to say, the “wet look” will surely be making a comeback this year.

And yet, wet or dry, the women were not the ones who the fashion pundits were focused on during this particular awards ceremony.  Rather, all eyes were on the stylings of the men, or rather, the lack thereof.  After all, who could forget Paul McCartney’s sparkly vest, which made him look like an amalgamation of a waiter at TGI Fridays, a boy scout, and a “Rhinestone Cowboy?” 

Perhaps you may also have noticed the unusual abundance of facial hair at these awards?  This year’s “Razor Haters” included: the typically impeccably groomed George Clooney and Jon Hamm, Hamm’s Mad Men costar Vincent Kartheiser (Pete Campbell would not have been pleased), Jeff Bridges (who will forever in my mind be The Dude from The Big Lebowski, and, today, looked the part), William Hurt, and Golden Globe host Ricky Gervais, who, in true frat boy fashion, spent most of his time on stage swigging from a tall mug of beer.

Even the award winners themselves were a decidedly masculine bunch.  First, there was the aforementioned Dude, Jeff Bridges, beating out the Clark Gable-esque Clooney and Mr. Darcy himself (Colin Firth) for Best Actor in a Drama Film.  Next came, Robert Downey Jr., who was awarded Best Comedy Film Actor for his turn as the hard-drinking, slightly slovenly, always ass-kicking Sherlock Holmes, in the male buddy comedy of the same name.  The Best Supporting Film Actor award went (quite appropriately, in my opinion) to Christopher Waltz for his turn as Colonel Hans Landa in Quentin Tarantino’s World War II-themed Inglourious Basterds

Kevin Bacon earned nods for his performance in the also war-themed Taking Chances.  The serial killer drama Dexter swept the television drama actor categories.  To top things off, the geeked-out 3D sci-fi fantasy Avatar beat out the somewhat romantic coming of middle-age tale, Up in the Air in both the Best Director and Best Drama categories. 

But perhaps most shocking of all was the award for Best Comedy Film, which went to, of all films, The Hangover, a buddy film about a bunch of guys who get so wasted at their friend’s bachelor party they end up spending the whole night drinking, screwing, getting beat up, and hanging out with Mike Tyson, although not necessarily in that order.  (For those of you who haven’t seen it, I sincerely apologize for spoiling the ending for you.)

Heck, the Cecile B. Demile Lifetime Achievement Award went to Martin Scorcese tonight!  And, seriously, could there be a more masculine director out there than Marty?  (Tarantino is a contender for this category as well.  But I think he probably takes a close second.)  I mean, this is the guy who directed Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Gangs of New York, Casino, and The Departed for crying out loud!

In addition to being a night that celebrated men, masculinity, and over-abundant facial hair, this was also a night of appreciation for new talent:  with the outstanding freshman ensemble cast of Glee winning Best Television Comedy, and Julianna Margulies, of the new series The Good Wife, picking up the award for Best Actress in a Television Drama.  And yet, while this year’s Golden Globes definitely appreciated new talent, it showed a certain impatience for talent of the non-celebrity variety.  While the producers of the awards allowed some of their A-list actors to drone on endlessly during their acceptance speeches, those same producers often rudely silenced screenplay and song writers with orchestral music, just seconds after these equally-deserving individuals found their way to the stage.

Although not without it faults, one thing could be said about the 67th Annual Golden Globes ceremony, it was certainly not predictable.  And when it comes to an institution that often gets bogged down with pomp and circumstance, it is unpredictability that keeps viewers coming back year after year . . .

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