Tag Archives: The Jenna Thing

Why the heck weren’t MY high school dances this exciting? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liar’s “There’s No Place Like Homecoming”

Breaking and entering, destruction of chemistry labs, freaky gang-type tattoos, allusions to incest, creepo fortune tellers, and, quite possibly, a MURDER, all in a single hour?  I’ve got three words for you: Best.  Dance.  Ever.

Last week, I griped about the disappearance of one of my favorite characters on Pretty Little Liars.  Namely, THIS GUY . . .

Yep  . . . unfortunately, that adorable, drunky Brit, Wren, was missing YET AGAIN this week!  However, unlike last week, where I spent a good portion of the lackluster episode pining for his return, this episode pretty much rocked, IN SPITE of his absence.  Shocking, yet true . . .

(Which is not to say that I don’t want him back, ABC Family!  You BETTER bring him back!)

So, in the words of the inimitable Hanna, who, by the way, was my TOTAL hero and main source of comic relief, this week  . . .

(Who knew Queen Bee Former Fatties could be so funny . . . and likeable?) . . .

 “Let’s get this PARTY started!”

Confuscius say, “Who hijacked MY Fortune Cookie?”

In the darkest corners of human nature, there now lurks a NEW evil . . . and it is shaped like this . . .

When the episode opens, Spencer, Emily, and Hanna are in Aria’s bedroom staging an intervention.  We know that Aria is seriously depressed, because she is wearing a  . . . PONYTAIL!

She is also sporting . . . NON-NAME BRAND SWEAT PANTS . . . from LAST SEASON!

Clearly, this is an emergency of EPIC proportions.  To rescue their friend from the dark fathomless abyss of “dressing for comfort,” the girls arrive, armed with trashy gossip magazines and Chinese food.  What more could a girl possibly want?

Without too much effort on their part, the girls eventually manage to snap Aria out of her Mr. Fitz-shaped depression, and convince her to attend the upcoming Homecoming Dance.  With their “mission accomplished,” the girls quickly breakout the takeout and start to chow down.  Before even touching her food, Hanna heads for dessert (girl after my own heart). 

She eagerly rips open her fortune cookie, yanking out that familiarly tiny piece of paper that, to this day, is my FAVORITE part of eating Chinese food.  Unfortunately, Hanna’s cookie-sized “prediction for the future” isn’t anything positive like:  You will come upon great and unexpected riches.  Nor is it something funny like:  You will eat another fortune cookie.  Rather, it says THIS . . .

Lions and tigers and bitches, oh my!  There is no place like homecoming.  See you there, A!

A’s unexpected use of a Wizard of Oz reference in crafting this taunt, can only mean ONE thing.  SOMEONE in the writers’ room has clearly been reading my recaps, in which I generally enjoy comparing “Dead Ali” to the Wicked Witch of the West.

Then again . . . maybe not.

The rest of the girls quickly open their own fortune cookies.  Sure enough, each one bears the SAME cryptic message.  This development obviously begs the very important question of, “How did A get her message into cookies?”

Does she work at the Chinese Restaurant where the girls got their takeout food?  Did she simply order the Fortune Cookies premade online, and slip them into the girls’ takeout bag, at the last minute?  If the latter is true, how did A know that the girls would be ordering at the exact time they did?

I’m with you, Mr. Monkey!  I don’t get it, either.

Hanna Gets Sexercised

The next day, in what was, hands down, the episode’s funniest scene, Hanna attends an abstinence group meeting with her boyfriend, Sean.  During it, she is asked to participate in a “role-playing” exercise, in which she propositions a boy for sex, and he turns her down for Jesus.  The boy doing the rejecting in the skit is a new guy named Lucas.

 I liked Lucas instantly, if only because his nerdiness, and smart-mouthed defensive sarcasm, reminded me so much of the ever-awesome Seth Cohen from that show The O.C.  And you all know how I LOVE me some Seth Cohen!

Socially awkward and snarky, but loveable, high school nerds?  Meet your king!

“Come back to my bedroom,” monotones Hanna, looking bored as ever.

“I can’t do this,” replies Lucas.

“But you’re so hot,” deadpans Hanna.  (Her delivery of this line, in particular, WAS hysterical!  I only wish I had it on MP3, so that I can play it for myself, whenever I’m feeling down.)

“No, what I mean, is I can’t do this with YOU!” Lucas clarifies.

In a very sweet, and unusually honest moment for the show, Lucas explains how a guy of his social status could never even THINK of having the opportunity to have sex with a woman of Hanna’s caliber.  (Clearly, Lucas has never watched The O.C.)  “I have the physical strength of Screech . . .  keeping my virginity is pretty much a done deal for me,” he concluded.

I had to laugh when I heard the random “Screech” reference . . .

After all, the Lucas character is undoubtedly WAY too young to have watched Saved by the Bell, the sitcom that first featured the character (as are, I would imagine, a good percentage of Pretty Little Liars fans).  Heck, I was a little kid when the show first aired, and I am quite a ways away from high school.  Perhaps Lucas remembers Screech, or rather Dustin Diamond, the actor who played him, from Celebrity Fit Club.  

Or, maybe he found that awful sex tape starring the actor, online, while his parents were asleep in the next room.  Seeing THAT would be enought to make any kid want to stay abstinant FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!  Then again, later on in the same episode, Lucas also made a Hans Solo reference . . .

. . . leading me to conclude that the character is actually a 40-year old, stuck in a 17-year old body. 

(BTW, the next time Hanna propositioned him for sex during role play, Lucas enthusiastically said, “Yes.”  Atta boy, Lucas!  Don’t let nasty sex tapes starring has-been 90’s stars get you down.)

Speaking of a character on this show who looks and acts too old to be in high school . . .

 . . . Hanna was so inspired by her sexercise, that she decided to play matchmaker for her dear friend Emily.  Having recently learned from A, via instant message, that Emily and middle-aged Maya occasionally enjoyed swapping spit with one another, Hanna more or less invites Maya to the dance on Emily’s behalf.  The problem, of course, is that Emily is already going with someone else .  . . Creepy Toby.

I love high school dances.  They always remind me of that old movie, Carrie.

More on Creepy Toby in a bit . . .

Spencer should really stick to what she does best (Hint:  It’s not dating.)

Having unceremoniously tossed aside, and completely forgotten, about the adorable Wren, as if the hottie was yesterday’s dirty underwear, Spencer is totally ready to head off to the Big Dance with Ball Boy Alex, when the episode begins.  The two share a surprisingly sexy scene together pre-dance, when Alex visits Spencer at school, so that the two could color coordinate their outfits.  (Color coordinate, huh?  OK.  Alex is clearly gay.)

When Alex offers to pay for the dance tickets, Spencer awkwardly explains that she has it taken care of.  “It’s just that you . . . work so hard for your money . . . I’d hate to see you waste it on something stupid like this.”

To Alex’s credit, rather than be offended by the obvious implications of that statement, he simply pulls Spencer into a steamy embrace.  “But I WANT to,” he insists.

He then deftly sticks a wad of cash in the pocket of Spencer’s jeans, like she’s a Vegas showgirl, who just gave him a lap dance.  (Way to stay classy, Ball Boy!)

That night, at the dance, Spencer is surprised (and by “surprised” I mean completely miserable) to see that her sister Melissa also in attendance.

Glory Days . . . They’ll pass you by, Glory Days .  . .

Apparently, it is customary for former Homecoming Queens to pass off the  crown to the next Queen Bee.  And this year, they conveniently chose the Homecoming Queen from the class of 2000, Melissa.  This is probably because she was the only former queen lame enough to show up. 

Wait a second . . . Class of 2000?  Did I mishear that? 

Wouldn’t that make Melissa (and Wren) like 12 or 13 years older than Spencer?  And what about that AP History paper Spencer stole off her sister’s laptop?  I could have sworn the date on it was 2004. 

Even if we give Melissa the benefit of the doubt, and say she WAS part of the Class of 2000, that would mean she wrote the AP History paper that Spencer stole, over a decade ago.  And yet, Melissa still remembers it well enough to recognize it as hers on the website where information regarding Spencer’s award is posted.  I seriously doubt I could recognize a paper I wrote my last year in college, let alone high school, especially ten years after the fact. 

Melissa must have superhuman memory.  A nice skill to have.  Too bad she’s such a raging bitch. 

“I heart the Russian Revolution.  I always really identified with that Stalin guy.”

When Spencer becomes too occupied with the mystery of A’s identity to truly show her date, Alex, a good time, Melissa uses it as an opportunity to plant the seeds of destruction in Alex’s mind about the genuine nature of Spencer’s romantic attraction to him.  “She’s just using your poor ass to make our parents mad,” Melissa explains, more or less.

The statement festers in Alex’s brain all evening, and eventually causes Alex to ditch Spencer’s ass at the dance, without even saying goodbye.  When Spencer confronts Melissa about her misdeeds, the latter explains matter-of-factly.  “I didn’t have to do much.  You screwed that one up all on your own.”

“Who, moi?”

And while I HATE to EVER agree with Evil Melissa, I have to admit she DOES have a point here . . .

But BEFORE all that happened, Spencer and Alex went to visit a fortune teller, who had a penchant for tarot card reading.  (Yeah, we didn’t have THOSE at my dances either.)  At first, it seemed like a typical reading.  The fortune teller droned on and on about a bad relationship, and not trusting people and blah, blah, blah.  The whole thing would have sucked if A didn’t swoop in to make it exciting.  “Say Bye, Bye to Your BFF,” she somehow managed to scrawl on one of the cards. 

Woah!  How did A do that?  Clearly A is a superhero with magical powers!

 . . . or should I say  . . . supervillain.

Awkward much?

As soon as Aria was assigned to help out at the “bean bag toss” table at the dance (which, apparently, had some sort of “carney theme” or whatever), you just knew she would somehow wind up working it with Ezra Fitz and his new uber dweeby haircut.

“I wanted something to match my pasty white legs.”

The two bicker a bit about whether Aria knows “A” and whether she told “A” about her relationship with Fitzy.  Eventually Aria gets frustrated and storms off.  Later, a jealous, Fitzy spies Aria dancing with Hanna’s beau, Sean.  Fitz looks PISSED!

Glory Days . . . They’ll pass you by, Glory Days . . .

To Fitzy’s credit,  when Aria confronted him in the hallway later that night, I really thought, Fitzy was going to say something d-baggy about her “moving on” so quickly.  Instead, he breaks into an honestly heartwarming (even to a TOTAL cynic like me) speech about how he wishes that he could give Aria a good time in the same way boys Aria’s own age could: taking her to movies, introducing her to friends, attending dances together, banging her in the gym locker room, etc.  Fitzy then admits to Aria he got his haircut to impress her, and my heart melted a bit. 

But I STILL hate that awful haircut . . .

Creepy Toby ALWAYS gets the girl (even if she is, technically, a relative)

No one much approved of Emily’s taking Creepy Toby to the Homecoming Dance.  In fact, the couple’s mere entrance into the auditorium causes the entire room to literally turn blue with fear.  (Seriously, what was with the weird lightning in this episode?   Half the dance scenes were lit like a live actions Smurfs movie!)

Which begs a very important question: which Pretty Little Liar would get to be Smurfette?

One of the reasons for the Pretty Little Liars being so “blue” about Emily dating Toby, was that they kind of /sort of thought he killed Ali / was “A.”  You see, apparently, Dweeby Toby found time out of his busy “being a psycho” schedule to get a really gnarly tattoo on his stomach (I thought you had to be 18 to do that.) 

The tattoo said “901 free at last.”  Apparently, the number is not his zip code, but rather the day that  .  . . wait for it . . . Ali disappeared.

To further complicate matters,  Hanna breaks into Jenna’s shrinks office.  (Oh yeah, she totally did that — because shop lifting, car theft/ destruction, and breaking and entering weren’t enough to quench future gangleader Hanna’s taste for crime.  She missed being crowned Homecoming Queen to do it too.)

I may look sweet and innocent, but I’m a totally bad ass MO FO!

Once there, she learns that Toby’s been sexing his stepsister, Blind Jenna . . .

. . . and was in town when Ali disappeared!

Back at the dance, Toby invites Emily to the chemistry lab “to talk.”  Things start out innocently enough, with Emily admitting to Toby that she may very well be a Big Ole Lessie.  But then they take a turn for the frightening, when Toby utters that one line EVERY heretofore mild-mannered serial killer says in movies, before he turns on you and literally eats your face off . . .

“We all have secrets, Emily!”

As if that wasn’t enough of a warning, Emily receives a text message at that moment from Hanna saying, “You’re with A’s killer now.”

Emily freaks out and backs away from Creepy Toby.  He lunges toward her.  Thinking fast, Emily knocks him into a glass cabinet in the chem lab, causing glass to shatter all around him.  Clearly Toby has the same superpowers as A (or IS actually A), because he recovers from the massive fall into glass in mere seconds, and chases Emily down the hallway.  She trips over something and falls . . .

But the final scene just MADE the episode for me.  In it, we see a sign that says, “Rosewood Population 3,488” (or something . . . I can’t really remember the exact number.   I just know it was pretty darn small).  Then, suddenly, a black jacketed hand sprays white spray paint over the final “8,” and uses black spray paint to change it to a “7.” 

The question is . . . who died?  And how does the vandal KNOW about it?

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An Obvious Lack of Impulse Control: A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Jenna Thing”

“I SEE YOU!  Just kidding .  . . I can’t REALLY see you!  (Or can I?)”

Summer television watching is all about guilty pleasures.  And, in its own ABC Family-approved way, Pretty Little Liars has quickly proven itself to be both undeniably “pleasurable,” and as insanely “GUILTY” as its four main characters are currently feeling.  During this week’s installment of the series, the girls banded together to face a new enemy, just as an old one reentered their lives.  Oh, and did I mention that this was the episode where everybody started randomly MAKING OUT with one another?

“I was hungry.  So, I thought it might be a good idea to eat your face . . .”

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

Deputy Douchey Strikes Back!

It’s only been two episodes, and I’ve already had just about all I can stomach of Deputy Douchey here.  (He has a real name, by the way.  I’ve just purposely chosen not to learn it.)  Seriously, how many cops do you know that would actually openly admit to screwing the mother of a murder suspect, just to get information on a case?

 Oh, and just so you know, Deputy Douchey, NO KIDS want to hear their mother being described as “HOT” in a sexual context!  And kids especially don’t want to hear this from a guy who is NOT their dad, but is still doing their mom, while the kids are sleeping under the same roof.

What’s with teen dramas always featuring these slimey, corrupt, and total inept cops?  As if repeatedly breaking up their keg parties wasn’t enough of a reason for teens to hate their “Friendly Neighborhood Policemen.”

I have a little proposition for you ABC Fam (I feel like the you and I are close enough now, that I can shorten your name, without fear of repercussion.)  Whoever the “big baddie” ends up being in this story, let’s have him or her KILL Deputy Douchey, PRONTO.  This way, I won’t have to see him on my screen anymore.  Then, the youth of America might have a bit less Cop Angst, as a result.  EVERYBODY WINS! 

So, anyway, Deputy Douchey stops by the school and gets our four main protagonists hauled down to the principal’s office.  This was kind of a big deal, as these don’t really seem like the type of girls used to spending extensive time in the High School equivalent of Maximum Security Prison.  Well, except maybe for Aria.  She did after all, used to have that “REBEL” pink stripe in her hair!  Oh, and Hanna, because she steals sunglasses from shopping malls.  Perhaps, it’s more accurate to say that Emily and Spencer don’t really seem like the type of girls used to spending extensive time in the principal’s office.

While the girls are headed toward their doom, they receive a text from the infamous “A.”  “Dead Girls Walking,” it says. 

Really A?  All that buildup, and you couldn’t come up with a better line than THAT?  You really HAVE been dead too long!

In the principal’s office, Deputy Douchey starts peppering the girls with accusatory questions.  And at this point, I’m just yelling at my television screen.  “LAWYER UP!  LAWYER UP!  Don’t say ANOTHER WORD! ”

Of the entire foursome, only Spencer is wise enough to at least inquire as to whether the girls should consider getting a lawyer.  And yet, after Douchey’s LAME assertion that this is “not an interrogation,” she just keeps right on answering his questions like everyone else.  It soon becomes pretty obvious that Douchey thinks the girls are at least accomplices, if not outright suspects, in Alli’s murder. 

Douchey subtly alludes to the fact that the girls were drinking alcohol the night of the accident, a fact they had kept from the police when they had initially given their statements the previous year.  He then not-so-subtly suggests that the girls’s stories sound rehearsed, and that they know someone who might have wanted Alli dead . . . This line of questioning causes the girls to immediately think about the infamous “Jenna Thing.”

Creepy Jenna and Her Insanely Loud “Cane of Destruction”

If you recall, during last week’s episode, the girls were shocked to find Jenna Cavanaugh in attendance at Alli’s funeral.  This week, we find out, her appearance wasn’t just a one time visit.  Apparently, she is back in town and attending high school with the girls.  Jenna had previously left school, upon becoming blind, over a year ago.  To make matters freakier, Jenna just keeps randomly popping up wherever the girls happen to be.

Did I mention she has the LOUDEST CANE EVER?  Two times, thanks to that massive cane, the girls HEARD Jenna coming, before they SAW her.  The first time, they were in a fairly empty diner, so it kind of made sense. 

But the second time, they were seated in a crowded and chatty HIGH SCHOOL LUNCHROOM.  But, man, was that cane LOUD!  Its sound was so INTENSE that it dwarfed any other sound within listening range, and rendered the world completely silent, in awe of it.  Understandably, every time the girls heard the Cane of Destruction, they noticeably panicked.  You know what the whole thing kind of reminded me of?  This . . .

Despite the girls’ obvious fear of Jenna and her Cane of Destruction, Aria decides to invite her to their lunchtable.  The problem is, everyone is too afraid that Jenna’s Cane will devour them whole, to actually talk to Jenna.  To Creepy Jenna’s credit, she prevents the scene from entering into silent movie territory, by carrying on an ENTIRE CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF.  “Everybody is so quiet.  This used to be the fun table.  What happened to you girls?”  Jenna inquires.

But no one answers her, so she continues talking.  “Alli visited me at the hospital once.  You know, everyone misunderstood Allison, but I knew exactly who she was.”

It’s Flashback Time Again . . .

Suddenly, we are flashed back to Emily’s room, a little over a year ago.  The girls are giggling and trying on clothes, when Alli suddenly goes apesh&t, convinced that some dude named Toby Cavanaugh (Jenna’s brother?) is ogling them in their undies through the bedroom window.  (I thought Emily’s room was on the second floor?)  The girls suggest going to the cops, but Alli has a better idea.  “Let’s light a stink bomb, and throw it in his garage hidey hole!”  She says, more or less.

By the way, am I the only one who NEVER learned how to make a stink bomb in high school?  How come this prissy biatch, Alli, immediately knew exactly how to do this, and I still can’t do it, to this day!  NO FAIR! 

Well, in all fairness, (1) Alli’s dead, so I shouldn’t really be envying HER at all; and (2) apparently, as it turns out, Alli was no stink bomb expert.  The “bomb” she made ended up blowing up Toby Cavanaugh’s hidey hole, apparently, while Jenna was inside of it.  As it was July 4th, and there were REAL fireworks going on outside, no one in town noticed or heard the explosion.   (Too bad Jenna’s Cane of Destruction wasn’t there at the time to warn them, because they DEFINITELY would have heard that. ) 

 Ultimately, the girls vowed to keep what happened a secret  forever.  Hence . . . “The Jenna Thing.”

Back in the present day, the girls are still silently not-at-all enjoying their lunch with Creepy Jenna, when “A” texts them the following, “I wish she could see the guilty looks on all of your faces.”  (OK “A,” that was a little funnier than “Dead Girls Walking” comment.  But not by much . . . Keep trying.)

Aria and Ezra Sitting in a Car.  Are They Kissing?  Yes They ARE!

Unlike some other teen dramas, the girls in Pretty Little Liars actually ATTEND classes, and we actually get to SEE THEM DO IT!

Shocking, I know!  Toward the beginning of the episode, Aria approaches Ezra / Mr. Fitz and asks him to sign a “Transfer Request” form.  She wants out of his English class.  Now, I should note that I was pleasantly surprised by Aria’s maturity and intelligence here.  SO MANY TIMES, I have watched films and shows featuring the student / teacher romance aspect.  And SO MANY TIMES I wondered why neither party to the affair thought to do this very same thing . . .

Yes, I’m looking at you Pacey Witter and Miss Jacobs! 

Mr. Fitz tries to convince Aria that they can both keep their emotions in check while in the classroom, but Aria’s not buying it, and neither are we.  Ultimately, Mr. Fitz relents and signs the Transfer Request.  And while I was applauding Aria for her righteous behavior, I couldn’t keep from wondering HOW exactly she planned to convince the administration to switch her to another English class, after only two short days.  Surely, “I’ve recently boned the teacher in a bar bathroom,” does not appear on the “Reasons for Transfer” portion of the request form . . .

That being said, it’s not exactly surprising that Aria’s Transfer Request is denied.  The sympathetic and loving looks Aria and Ezra silently share, after Aria passes him the declined request form and returns to her seat, are both beautiful and heartbreaking.  Brilliant performance here, on the part of both actors. 

That afternoon, Aria and her mother are heading to see the classic film It Happened One Night, when they run into, who else, but Mr. Fitz!

So, of course, Aria’s mom, in that humiliating way that only mom’s of teenagers can, invites Mr. Fitz to watch the movie with her and her daughter.  The awkwardness and sexual tension between soon-to-be-couple, Aria and Ezra, is palpable from the moment the lights dim and the film starts rolling.  The fact that these two don’t start screwing one another, right on top of Aria’s mother, is a pure miracle!

A few days later, Aria is walking home umbrella-less in the pouring rain when, who just so happens to drive by and see her?  Ezra Fitz of course!  (WOW, stalker much?) 

Ezra hesitates for a few seconds, before letting a wet Aria dash into his way-too-nice-to-be-bought-on-a young-teacher’s-salary car.  This time, the pair drop all appearances of “keeping their emotions in check” and go at it like bunnies.  The result is even hotter than you can imagine!

When Aria arrives home all wet (both inside and out), and smelling of New Car Sex, her father is there waiting for her.  “Something is going on with you,” he points out accusatorily.

But fear not!  Aria’s Daddy DID NOT figure out that Aria was boffing her English teacher in a car in the rain.  He simply wanted to talk about the only subject in which he has shown any actual interest since his first appearance on the show, namely, himself.

In a lame speech that sounded highly reminiscent of the mea culpas made by every politician who has ever screwed around SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, Aria’s dad blabbed on and on, about how he still loves Aria’s mom, and how his brief indiscretion is over, and how he simply let his emotions get the best of him. 

 (Yeah, buddy, you let something get the best of you, all right.  But I honestly don’t think it was your “emotions.”  Unless you happen to be one of those rare and special men who hide your “emotions” between your legs.)

Fortunately, for Aria’s Daddy, Aria is still high on endorphins and massive Os, so she actually buys into his crap.  Then again, Teacher F*cker Girl is not exactly one to judge now, is she?  Toward the end of the episode, Aria joins her family for some bonding over Chinese Food.  After all, wontons and fortune cookies have the power to make everything all right with the world . . .

That is, of course, until Aria receives yet another cryptic text message from “A.”  It says:  “When students kiss teachers, someone gets hurt.  And that’s a promise I’ll KEEP!”

Wacking Balls, Overachieving, and Homewrecking . . . Just Another Day in the Life of Spencer.

Spencer’s is definitely that uptight snooty girl, about whom all the high school boys would say, “That b&tch needs to get laid.”

(Fortunately, based on what we’ve seen of her during this episode, it looks like she might soon get EXACTLY that.)

After wacking off some field hockey “balls,” Spencer heads to dinner with her family, where she is ignored by her father, demeaned by her sister, and shamelessly flirted with by her sister’s fiance, Wren.  Back at home, Wren comes to Spencer’s room to apologize to her, because she has the bad luck of being saddled with such a crappy family.  He then randomly picks up an architectural book, and makes some cheesy comment about “appreciating beauty.”  All the while, Wren is staring at Spencer like she’s a Tootsie Pop that he can’t wait to lick a few times, before really biting into . . .

Before you know it, these two are making out hardcore!

Surprisingly, it’s the much younger Spencer, who puts an end to the spit-swapping session.  “We can’t do this,”she cautions.

And Wren, who is cute, but obviously not exactly the “faithful type,” stops.  And yet, he doesn’t look at all guilty for the “whole cheating thing.”  Rather, he looks pissed at “Prude Spencer” for making him stop, before he could round second base.  It’s television moments like this that make me FEAR marriage . . .

Except, seeing as Wren’s fiance Melissa was outside the door witnessing this whole exchange, and Wren was seen leaving the residence the following morning with packed boxes, it doesn’t look like “marriage” is something we are going to have to worry about here . . .

Maya the Lesbianator (Everything She Touches Turns to Gay!)

Despite having a “boyfriend back home,” Maya seems pretty darn desperate to get into Emily’s pants!  As soon as she arrives on screen, she’s rubbing up against her at every opportunity, insisting that the two share hot cocoa, and spooning Emily in her sleep, while not-so-subtly grazing her boobs, in the middle of the night. 

Oh, that ‘s right, Maya is “sleeping over at Emily’s” for a few days, in an attempt to free herself from the depressing black hole that is the “Dead Girl’s home” her parents stupidly purchased (probably off some scam website).

But just when it seemed as though Emily was giving in to the Passions of the Maya, she received .  . . you guessed it . . .a text message from “A,” this one said: “Did you get a goodnight kiss?  Here’s one from me, XO.”  (You know, for a straight girl, Emily sure kisses a lot of ladies, not all of them necessarily still living.  Kinky!)

In the final moments of the episode, Spencer is out jogging, when she comes across Blind (?) Jenna, sitting on a park bench.  Apparently, Jenna is using a talk-to-text computer to deliver text messages to cell phones.  “Send text now,” commands Jenna, as she offers a sinister, if unseeing, look at Spencer.

Could Jenna be the mysterious “A” that has been torturing the girls for the past two episodes?

Tune in next week to find out . . . Until then, don’t let the Cane of Destruction hit you where the Good Lord split you . . .

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