Tag Archives: the sixth sense

TV Recappers Anonymous Plays the Less Ambitious Movie Titles (and Taglines) Game!

Oh, the games we play when we’re bored . . .

While getting my daily “news” dosage for the day, I came upon a fun little article in Entertainment Weekly.  It was about this game everybody has apparently been playing on Twitter lately, called #lessambitiousmovies.  Here’s how you play:  (1) Find an “exciting” movie title; (2) change the words around a bit, to make it into a completely mundane (and stupid)  one.  It’s THAT EASY!

Or is it?  You see, I was playing this game with my friends today, when it simultaneously occurred to all of us that most modern day movie titles are already pretty unambitious.  This is even the case for genuinely good movies, with decidedly intricate plotlines.  Think about it.  How could one POSSIBLY further dumb down titles for movies like The Town, Black Swan, Toy Story, Tron and How Do You Know?  Is it just me, or does Hollywood need to take a SERIOUS crash course in creativity?

Gee, I wonder what THIS movie is about!

Nevertheless, my friends and I did come up with a few Less Ambitious Movie Title ideas, which I’ve decided to share with you today because there’s been nothing on TV lately, and I have absolutely NOTHING ELSE TO WRITE ABOUT.  What I’ll do is give you a little intel on the original film first, and then share my “New and Improved” Less Ambitious Version.  Sound good?   OK, here goes . . .

1) Ghostbusters

What it was about:  A bunch of out of work comedians (most of whom used to be on Saturday Night Live) wear khaki jumpsuits, carry around what look like vacuum cleaners, and suck up goblins and ghouls, on the streets of New York City.

Less Ambitious Version: “Roastbusters”

What it’s about NOW:  Ummm . . .  vegetarians, maybe?

New and Improved Tagline:  “I ain’t afraid of no ROAST!” 

2) The Sixth Sense

What it was about:  Little Haley Joel Osment sees dead people (SPOILER ALERT:  Bruce Willis may be one of them.)

Less Ambitious Version: “The Six Cents”

What it’s about NOW:  The pocket change you always have on hand, but are perpetually forgetting to use . . .

New and Improved Tagline:  “The heartwarming tale of Nickel and his good pal, Penny (based on a true story).”

3) Die Hard

What it was about:  Bruce Willis, again!  This time he’s battling terrorists, shooting people, and blowing sh*t up for two hours, all the while making snarky comments, and flexing his muscles to show us how cool he is.  (In other words, if you are watching this film, and you are female, you may grow a weiner, as a result . . .)

Less Ambitious Version:  “Diet Hard”

What it’s about NOW:  Bruce Willis is really cranky, because all he’s eaten all day is a salad and two peanuts.  So, he starts blowing sh*t up . . .

New and Improved Tagline:  “Twelve extra pounds.  One cop.  The odds are against John McClane.  And he’s STARVING for a donut!”

4)  127 Hours

What it was about:  A hiker gets his arm stuck under a rock for 127 HOURS.  So, he chops it off . . .

Less Ambitious Version: “127 Seconds”

What it’s about NOW:  Do the math.  That’s just a little over two minutes.  It doesn’t really have time to be about anything.  But it WILL star a hot guy . . . because I say so . . . and it’s my movie, dammit!

New and Improved Tagline:  “By the time you finish reading this, the movie will be almost over.”

5) Field of Dreams

What it was about:   A bunch of dead baseball players (including the voice of Darth Vader) tell Kevin Costner to build a baseball field in his backyard.  He does . .  .

Less Ambitious Version:  “Field of Streams”

What it’s about NOW:  Running water, running water, and more running water.

New and Improved Tagline:  “This movie is so good, it will make you pee.”

6) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

What it was about:  Jim Carey had a bad breakup with Kate Winslet.  So, he had her surgically removed from his brain.  I’m not kidding . . .

Less Ambitious Version:  “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Kitchen”

What it’s about NOW:   Jim Carey is a compulsive neat freak, who is obsessed with keeping his kitchen clean . . .

New and Improved Tagline:  “His floors are so clean, you can eat off them.  (But if you do, he’ll KILL YOU!)

7) Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie)

What it was about:  A perky cheerleader battles vampires in her California high school.  She also says the word “like” a lot . . .

Less Ambitious Version:  “Buffy the Violin Player”

What it’s about NOW:  It’s kind of self explanatory.  Don’t you think?

New Tagline:  “For all the tools who like to get played, and the girls who like to play them . . .”

8)  Flashdance

What it was about:  A factory working teen tries to become accepted into a prestigious dance school.  She falls in love, in the process (SHOCKER!).

Less Ambitious Version:  “Flashy Pants”

What it’s about NOW:  Hot pink sparkly pants, and the girls who wear them . . .

New and Improved Tagline:  “It’s kind of like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants .  . . except without the ‘sisterhood,’ or the ‘traveling.’  Oh . . . and the pants are WAY sluttier!”

9) The Forty-Year Old Virgin

What it was about:  Steve Carell is a middle aged salesman of electronic equipment, who can’t seem to get himself laid.  Hijinks (not to mention, some REALLY NASTY BACK WAXING) ensue.

Less Ambitious Version:  “The 40-Year Old Merchant”

What it’s about NOW:  Steve Carell sells paper for a company called Dunder Mifflin.  He doesn’t get laid all that often (because he’s kind of a jackass).  But at least he’s not still a virgin!

New and Improved Tagline:  “It’s kind of like Death of a Salesman . . . except nobody dies at the end.”

10)  The King’s Speech

What it was about:  Colin Firth is going to be King, but he stutters like crazy!  Geoffery Rush to the RESCUE!

Less Ambitious Version:  “Larry King’s Speech”

What it’s about now:  It’s not really a movie, per se . . . more like every episode of Larry King Live ever aired .  . . back . . . to back . . . to back.

New and Improved Tagline:  “He may be retired, but he’s still not shutting the hell up . . .”

So, there you have it:  Ten Less Ambititous Movie Titles and Taglines.  Now it’s your turn to play!  (Feel free to leave your “new” film suggestions in the comment section below  .  . .)

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Less Ambitious Movies, movies, Twitter

Lost and Zombies – A Recap of “What Kate Does”

You know how when you were a little kid, and you were absolutely certain you were going to have a snow day, so you stayed up late and skimped on your homework in anticipation of the big event?  Well, unfortunately, I am no longer a student.  And, as for a snow day, it could be the Apocalypse, and they still wouldn’t close my office.  Yet, I have decided to embrace my inner naughty girl and stay up late to type up this Lost recap. 

So here goes . . .

Kate in Flash-Sideways Land

“Curiouser and curioser .  . .”

When we last left Kate, back in alt-2004, she had just landed safely at LAX, given U.S. Marshal Edward Mars the slip, and hijacked a taxi that contained within it a very pregnant Claire.  In the episode’s opening scene, Kate holds the taxi driver at gunpoint and directs him out of the airport.  (By the way, I loved the random Midnight Cowboy reference inserted into this scene by the infamous dead-in-another- timeline Lostie, Doctor Arzt.  “Hey, I’m walking here!”   – Classic!)

Soon after the trio makes a getaway, the cowardly taxi driver jumps out of the cab and heads for the hills, leaving Claire to fend for herself.  (Even in Alt World, chivalry is apparently dead.)  Kate then forces Claire to give up her purse, and kicks her out of the cab. 

(Bad Kate!  Claire is so taking down your medallion number.  You will NEVER drive a cab in this town again!) 

Next, Kate heads to a car repair shop and pays the auto mechanic $200 to remove her handcuffs.  I’m not exactly sure where she got the money, seeing as most people don’t exactly carry cash on the way to the slammer.  Plus, Runaway Claire seemed pretty poor, so I doubt this money was hers.  However, I digress . . .

Later, as Kate is digging through Claire’s purse, she finds a stuffed whale, some baby paraphenalia, and a polaroid of the pregnant Claire, which presumably Claire planned to give to her adoptive parents so that her son would one day know his biological mother.  Struck with feelings of guilt (or deja vu), Kate drives the cab back to the bus stop where Claire is waiting.  Once there, Kate learns that Claire was supposed to be picked up at the airport by her son’s soon-to-be adoptive parents, but they never showed. 

Kate offers to give Claire a ride.  Genius Claire then agrees to get back in the taxi cab with the lunatic escape prisoner who held her at gunpoint and stole her purse.  Only on television will such acts of “bravery” NOT  leave you with a bullet lodged in your skull.

“Way to go, smarty pants!”

When Kate and Claire arrive at the home of the prospective adoptees, a nervous Claire asks Kate to go into the house with her.  Kate reluctantly agrees, and the two knock on the door.  A disheveled woman, eyes puffy from tears, explains that her husband has just left her and that she cannot raise a baby on her own.  Claire responds by going into labor right on this woman’s porch.  That’ll teach you to call first, before canceling your baby adoption plans!”

The most helpful convict ever, Kate drives Claire to the hospital and checks in with her, using an assumed name.  In ICU, Claire is cared for by none other than . . .  DR.  CREEPY MC-OTHER, ETHAN ROM!

There’s nothing McDreamy about this guy . . .

Dr. Creepy McOther tells Claire that she is far enough along to give birth.  However, if she doesn’t want to do that just yet, Creepy McOther can shoot her up with a lot of drugs and somehow postpone the birth.  If you recall, Creepy McOther kidnapped Claire on the island and shot her up with drugs there too.  In her second “super smart” move of the evening, Claire chooses the drugs . . . again.

NOOOOOOOO!  DON’T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As if to protest her AWFUL decision, the baby heart monitor starts going haywire.  “Is Aaron going to be OK?”  Claire inquires frantically.

Instantly, both she and Kate flinch, as if recalling that, in alternate timeline, Claire’s child is actually named Aaron.  This is clearly a weird situation.  After all, in this timeline, Claire would have no reason to name her baby, as she planned on giving it up for adoption as soon as it was born.  Spooky! 

Eventually the monitors calm down.  Soon after, a couple of federal agents come looking for Kate, who is hiding nearby.  Claire covers for Kate, and the obviously-not-too-bright agents take their leave without asking too many questions.  Apparently, the agents and Claire share an IQ.

Kate thanks Claire for her generosity (or stupidity, depending on how you see it).  She then tells Claire that she should keep the baby.  Claire responds by offering Kate her credit card to be used during the remainder of her time on the run.  Quite a good team, these two.  In fact, they remind me of another female duo I used to know and love . . .

And we all know how that ended . . .

Jagged Little Pill

Back in the present day island world, Sayid has just come back from the dead, and Miles and Hurley have a few questions for him.    Miles wonders if Sayid saw the infamous white light.  Unfortunately, Sayid only remembers being shot and nothing more.  “You aren’t a zombie are you?”  Hurley inquires.

“No, I’m not a zombie,” Sayid answers straight-faced.

“OK.  We’ll be in the food court,” replies Hurley, before he and Miles exit stage left.

Could I just say, that these two have the best television bromance since Boston Legal’s Alan Shore and Denny Crane.  If they had their own show, I would totally watch.

Hugo “Hurley” Reyes and Miles Straume star in “We See Dead People.”  Coming Soon . . .

Mysterious Other-Others, Lennon and Dogen, also have some questions for the undead Sayid.  Unfortunately, they are interrupted in their interrogation, when a very angry Sawyer holds them and their minions at gunpoint.  Turns out our hot and tormented friend wants to blow this popsicle stand . . . and fast.  Knowing that Sawyer means business, Lennon and Dogen let him go, but then send two of their cronies out into the jungle to retrieve him.  To protect Sawyer and ensure his safety, Kate and Jin offer to go with these two men.

Kate gives the Others the slip and soon finds Sawyer at the Dharma cabin where he and Juliet played house with eachother in the past.  A heartbroken Sawyer confides in Kate that he feels responsible for Juliet’s death, since she wanted to leave the island and he hadn’t let her.  Had she left the island when she wanted to do so, she may have lived.  He then pulls out a ring and tells Kate that he had planned to ask Juliet to marry him.  Sawyer tosses the ring into the river, while a conflicted and still lovestruck Kate looks on in anguish . . .

Back at the temple, Lennon and Dogen take former torturer Sayid and . . . torture him, by prodding him with a burning hot poker and submitting him to some weird electroshock-type therapy.  “Why did you do this to me?” Sayid inquires.

“It was a test.  You passed,” explains Lennon.

After, Sayid leaves, however, Lennon and Dogen make it very clear that Sayid has, in fact,  failed the “test.”  Lennon then tells Jack that Sayid is “infected.”  He asks that Jack give Sayid a large silver pill to “save him.” 

A distrustful Jack asks Lennon what is in the pill, but answers are not forthcoming.  When Jack confronts Sayid about all this, Sayid agrees to take the pill if Jack thinks he should, because Sayid trusts Jack.

Still uncertain as to the right path, Jack confronts Dogen once again.  In a bold and impulsive act that is decidedly un-Jack, the Good Doc takes the pill himself.  A frantic Dogen heimlichs the pill out of Jack’s mouth instantly, and quickly explains that it contains poison.  “Why do you want to kill Sayid?”  Jack asks incredulously.

According to Lennon and Dogen, Sayid has a sickness, and once it enters his heart, the old Sayid will be completely “lost.”  When Jack asks how they know this, Lennon replies, “Because the same thing happened to . . .”

(Now at this point, I expected Lennon to say “Ben.”  After all, when Kate and Sawyer brought the young Ben to the temple to be healed from his bullet wound, Richard Alpert explained that once healed, he would “lose all innocence.”  So, it would make sense for Lennon to use Ben’s name.  But instead he says . . . )

 . . . “your sister.”

CLAIRE???????

Remember a few seasons back when Claire was rescued from a massive explosion at the Dharma compound with nothing but a splitting headache?  She then abandoned her baby in the middle of the night, and was never seen or heard from again, until an eerily calm, almost ghostlike, version of her appeared to Locke in Jacob’s cabin.  Suddenly, everything started to make sense . .

AHA!

In the final scene, the Other minions find and recapture Jin in the jungle.  Chip-On-His-Shoulder Minion looks as if he is about to shoot poor Jin, when shots ring out.  Both Other minions instantly fall down dead.  Jin looks up, confused, as an emotionless, gun-wielding, Claire steps out into view . . .

So what did you think?  Are Sayid and Claire really zombies?  Are the Losties ever going to get off the island in the present day?  Would you watch a buddy crime investigation show staring Miles and Hurley?

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