Accepting the Monster Within – A Recap of Being Human’s “There Goes the Neighborhood Part 2”

Welcome back, fellow Humans!  (If that’s what you REALLY are . . . 😉 )  This week’s installment of SyFy’s newest hit series (ONLY hit series?), definitely wrapped up some of the storylines presented in the pilot episode.  However, it also presented our favorite supernatural roommates with some new, very interesting, problems . . . ones that will surely plague them for many episodes to come . . .

SHE is definitely going to be a problem!

If tonight’s episode had a “theme” to it, I’d say that theme had to do with the acceptance of one’s true nature.  For some, that acceptance can have negative consequences.  For example, Rebecca became an Evil Super B*tch, once SHE accepted her new bloodsucking nature.  And, we suspect, the same thing would happen to Aidan, if he decided to go back to his old vampiric ways. 

For others, acceptance of who you are, can lead you to a better life (or lack thereof).  Once Sally gave up trying to be heard as a human, she realized that being a ghost allows for other, more unique, methods of communication.  It also saves a TON of money on airfare!

I’m flying, WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE!

As for Josh, his refusal to come to terms with his wolfy nature, has kept him isolated from the people he loves — first, his parents and fiance, and now, his own baby sister . . .

The only thing hotter than a brooding werewolf, is a naked one . . .

Come on, Josh!  Be OUT . . . and PROUD (and stop covering your crotch, we wanna see)!

But enough of this philosophical mumbo jumbo, let’s get on with the episode, shall we?

Home Improvement for Dummies

Is that a pool of blood behind your head, Sally?  Or are you just happy to see me?

Ghost Sally spends much of this episode having funeral flashbacks, pining after her fiance (Does EVERYONE have a Long Lost Fiance on this show?), and breaking sh*t in the apartment, because she is feeling moody.  (I wonder if ghosts still get PMS?) 

After a whole lot of begging on Sally’s part, Aidan and Josh finally relent and invite their landlord, and Sally’s once fiance, Danny, to fix the clogged sink in the apartment, which Sally broke on purpose, precisely for this occasion!

“That’ll teach you to be cheap, and not get homeowners’ insurance!”

Sally gets pretty darn frustrated, when the man she loves LITERALLY doesn’t know she’s alive (because she . . . um . . .  isn’t).  When Danny arrives at the house for the first time, since Josh and Aidan moved in, Sally’s emotions go heywire.  This, of course, results in all the lights in the house EXPLODING!  (Nice one, Sally!)  Josh, who actually LIKES having working light fixtures in his home, is not amused, by this new development.

“Seriously!  You need to find some new hobbies!  Why don’t we invite over that kid from the Sixth Sense, and you two can hold a seance, or something?”

For his part, Danny can’t understand why in the world ANYBODY would want to live in this Ghost-Infested Death Trap he used to call home.  Clearly not a particularly savvy business man, Danny actually goes so far as to ask Aidan whether the apartment is as creepy as it seems.  “Every home has an echo of the people who used to live in it.  There’s a good echo here,” explains Vampire Aidan, causing Sally’s ghostly panties (not to mention, mine) to fall to the floor, as a result. 

*sings* “He really likes me.  He thinks I’m sexy.  He wants to date me.”

“Damn, I’m gooooood!”

 This, of course, brings up an important question:  Can ghosts have sex?

I didn’t think so . . . (Sorry Sally!  It looks like the vampire is MINE!)

Aidan, who is clearly angling to get supernaturally laid, throws Sally another bone, by asking Danny how his fiance died.  Danny, who is officially the WORST landlord and realtor EVER, not only explains in explicit detail how Sally fell down the steps and broke her brain, he even points out the SUPER CREEPY spot on the floor where she croaked!  In fact, Danny all but drew a chalked outline of Sally’s decaying body on the floor for Josh and Aidan to keep as a souvenir!  Now, if that doesn’t make a house fell like a home, I don’t know what does!

The next day, while the guys are out, Danny returns to the apartment to fix the sink.  He comes prepared, carrying a trusty Home Improvement for Dummies book under his arm . . .

Product Placement Alert!

But as good as Home Improvement for Dummies may be at teaching dummies like Danny to unclog a sink, I’m willing to bet there’s no chapter in it on “Ghostbusting” . . .

“Who you gonna call? (I ain’t afraid of no Sally!)”

And when Danny ignores Sally’s ghostly pleas for him to hire a plumber, Ghost Girl gets so mad, that she breaks the pipe beneath the sink, causing Danny to become soaked with water.  (But, hey, at least it’s not clogged anymore!)  Aidan arrives home, just in time to see Wet Danny escaping the apartment, like a bat out of hell. 

Later, Josh and Sally commiserate with one another, over the fact that they can’t be with their respective fiances anymore, because according to Josh “[We] are monsters, and [they] are not.”

Though things may look grim now, Sally’s romantic life may actually be starting to look up!  WAY UP!  Because, toward the end of the episode, Sally learns that SHE CAN FLY!  And you know what this means, don’t you?  She may actually be able to LEAVE THE HOUSE at some point (which is kind of essential, if you plan on getting laid, ever) . . .

“See ya, Boys!  I’m off to Victoria’s Secrets to buy some lingerie.  I’ve been wearing this outfit for SIX MONTHS, and it’s high time I slipped into something ‘more comfortable.'”

So, I mentioned Josh, earlier . . .which, if you watched last week’s episode, may have caused you to wonder, whether he ended up actually eating his sister, Emily, after being locked in a room with her, during his werewolf transformation.  Well, allow me to fill you in, on THAT part of the tale.

All Bark and No Bite

“I smell a cliffhanger!”

So, as I mentioned, when we last left Josh, he was getting all werewolfy in a locked room beneath the hospital where he works, and his baby sister was locked in there with him.  He tried to call Aidan to rescue him, but Aidan was “eating dinner” at the time at Fangtasia Bishop’s Dungeon o’ Vampire Love,  and couldn’t come to the phone . . .

Fortunately, however, Aidan finished eating just in time to catch Josh’s frantic telephone message.  And so, the Sexy Vamp races to the “dungeon” and rescue’s Emily, just moments before Josh becomes a full-on Beast.  Realizing, the poor girl probably just had the worst night EVER, Kindly Aidan then takes Emily to a local diner for some coffee . . .

At the diner, Aidan explains to Emily, that Josh is “going through some stuff right now” (Understatement of the Year), but that he is going to be OK.  He just needs some “time” to eat more poor defenseless deer figure things out. 

However, when Emily confronts Josh after the traumatic event, offering him her help and support, Josh rebuffs her.  “My life is different now . . . You don’t know me . . . you can’t help me . . . Leave me alone,” He tells his own flesh and blood, in front of her new girlfriend (who, according to Emily is a Shiksa Goddess) . . .

Now THAT had to hurt!

Speaking of danger, you might be wondering what happened with Aidan and that “dead girl,” who police suspected him of killing (because he DID kill her) . . .

There’s a New Vamp in Town

Aidan learns that his one-night stand, Rebecca, is not so much dead, as undead, when she tries to EAT HIS ROOMMATE . . .

Fortunately, for Josh, Werewolf is not exactly Baby Vamp Rebecca’s new favorite food.  So, she ends up sparing his life.  But Josh still has quite the bone to pick with his roommate about his most recent brush with death.

“What’s the point of doing all this . . . playing house . . . and joining CostCo . . . if you are just going to keep killing all of our friends!”  Josh exclaims.  (The dude’s got a point, Aidan!)

When Aidan confronts Rebecca about the whole “We Used to Screw, Until I Killed You” Thing, he learns that his sort-of ex holds a MAJOR grudge against him, for leaving her for dead on that fateful night.  (Apparently, Jacob from Lost Bishop turned her into a vampire, and “oriented her to the lifestyle” the following morning.)

Aidan offers to help Rebecca cope with their mutual “curse,” and “be good.”  But Rebecca would prefer to be BAD, and EAT HER FAMILY for fun.  So, Aidan and Rebecca don’t exactly share the same “moral values,” which . . . I guess . .  is as good a reason to break up as any.  (Then again, being MURDERED by your boyfriend is also a fairly good reason to end a relationship.)

At work, Quirky Nurse Cara tries to hit on Hot Aidan, by making a very dated 90210 reference (not the new 90210, mind you, the VERY OLD one).

When Aidan doesn’t exactly appear to be wowed by Cara’s Dylan McKay joke, Little Miss Quirky gets very embarrassed, indeed.  “Oh my gosh, I’m older than you,” she mumbles.

“Oh . . . I don’t think that’s true,” replies the centuries old Aidan.  “I just never watched 90210, because I am a STRAIGHT MALE.”

But Majorly Obscure and Dated Pop Culture references are not enough to deter Cara.  So, she asks Aidan out on a date to the local bar, which is located nearby.  Aidan is obviously enticed by Nurse Cara’s scent.  (Then again, maybe he just REALLY likes red heads, I still can’t tell . . .).  However, Aidan fears that, if given the chance, he will eat Cara, just like he did Rebecca.  So, he tries to let the girl down easy.  “Oh, I’m not that much fun,” the actually SUPER FUN Vampire demurs.

“Me NEITHER!”  Cara responds excitedly.  (Woah, this Quirky Nurse is RELENTLESS!)

After work, Aidan heads to the funeral home where Big Bad Vampire Bishop conducts his daily business.  (How appropriate!)

Aidan gives Bishop the business about turning his ex-girlfriend, who Bishop obviously is using as a bargaining chip to bring Aidan back into the Vampire Fold.  “You don’t screw up often.   So, when you did, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.  [Rebecca] is quite a find,” remarks Bishop.

Once again, Aidan reminds the Head of the Vampire Recruitment Agency that he is no longer interested in that particular line of work.  (Cleaning up bedpans, is WAY more his style!)  And yet, the conversation with Bishop stresses out Aidan enough, that he finds himself in desperate need of a drink.  And so, off to the bar he heads.  Of course, the ever-persistent Nurse Cara is there, waiting for him . . .

As soon as Aidan gets one whiff of Cara, he’s ready to drain her dry.  And so, Aidan calls his Vampires Anonymous sponsor, Josh (who, does, after all, owe him, for the whole “Sister Rescue” Thing) to come to the bar, and save Cara from becoming dessert.  But, before Josh can arrive, Evil Rebecca comes over and TOTALLY cock blocks Aidan, by telling Cara, in no uncertain terms, that she and the closeted vamp used to bang.

A bit intimidated by Rebecca’s Mean Girl attitude, Nurse Cara eventually leaves Aidan, and heads back to her friends.  So, Rebecca decides to use this Alone Time to make another play for Aidan’s affections.  (Seriously, who DOESN’T want to bone this guy?) 

When Aidan rejects her, Rebecca gets even, by enticing a silly male human to go back to her place, and (we assume) die a very painful death, by draining.  Interestingly enough, Aidan “rescues” the guy, by beating the crap out of him, so he can’t leave the bar with the hungry female vamp.  This pisses Rebecca off, so she takes a bite out of Nurse Cara instead  . . .

Josh arrives just in time to see Cara nearly bleeding to death.  In the alley, just outside the bar, both Josh and the lurking Rebecca, plead for Aidan to turn Cara into a vampire (though they both, obviously, have very different reasons for wanting him to do this).  But Aidan refuses to turn Cara.  So, he and Josh rush the poor girl to the hospital instead, for a bit of “old-fashioned” human healing . . .

JOSH:  “You should have turned her.  Now she’s going to die because of you!”

AIDAN:  “Nah, she won’t die.  Because you are in SERIOUS need of a love interest on this show.  And so far, unless you plan on banging your sister. she’s the best option you’ve got!”

While the two supernaturally-inclined roommates await the still-human, Cara’s fate, Aidan gets pulled aside by Big Bad Vampire Bishop, who ALSO wants to know why he decided not to turn Nurse Cara into a vampire.

“Maybe I am sentenced to a lifetime in hell with you, but here, and now, I choose them [humans],” Aidan explains eloquently.

Eventually, Josh also comes to terms with Aidan’s decision not to turn Cara.   This is evidenced by his conversation with Ghost Sally, in the final moments of the episode. 

“We take for granted how good Aidan is . . . and how he must struggle every day not to be like THEM,” remarks Josh.

 “Do you think he should have saved [Cara]?”  Sally inquires.

“I think he did,” the Werewolf replies.

Eh, I don’t know about all that.  Personally, being a vampire, always seemed like kind of an awesome Lifestyle Choice to me.  Then again, what do I know?  I’m only “human.”

[www.juliekushner.com]

Vampires, and Werewolves, and Ghosts, OH MY! – A Recap of Being Human’s Pilot Episode “There Goes The Neighborhood”

OK . . . so let me get this straight .  . . It’s a show about vampires . . . and werewolves . . . and ghosts . . . where almost the ENTIRE cast is in their twenties . . . AND there was male frontal nudity in the first TWO MINUTES of the pilot episode?  You had me at HELLO!

A few nights back, the Syfy channel debuted it’s U.S. incarnation of the hit British supernatural horror comedy series Being Human. (Well, more accurately, it’s a Canadian incarnation.  Though the show is meant to take place in Boston, it is obviously filmed in a place where people are more likely to say “oot and aboot” than “pahk your cahr in a Hah-vahd yahd.”)  As a lover of all things supernatural, who had never watched the British version of this series, I was excited to get a fresh and unfettered glimpse at the show, when I finally got around to watching it this evening.  (For better or worse, Monday is a crowded night for me in TV Land.)

Though comparisons between this series and its U.K. incarnation, as well as other television shows of supernatural bent (most notably, The Vampire Diaries and True Blood) are inevitable, and not always favorable, I, for one, enjoyed this pilot.  In fact, once the producers iron out a few of the “freshman kinks,” I think this has the makings of a pretty awesome series — one that has the potential to stick around for a long time. 

Freshman Kink #1 – Is that supposed to be a werewolf, or a leprechaun wearing cheap dentures?

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s bite into that pilot episode!

I’m really “torn” about this screenshot.  (No pun intended.)  On one hand, I’m loving the Dirty Naked Dude!  But the Butchered Bambi’s Mother?  Not so much . . . Next time?  Let’s stick to Bloody Humans, and leave the Furry Woodland Creatures ALONE, shall we?

Meet Josh.  He’s a lonely twenty something, who’s desperately in need of a female influence in his life . . .

Worst . . . Walk of Shame . . . EVER!

For the most part, Josh leads a normal, if slightly dull and unfulfilling life.  But once a month, he really “lets his hair down.” When that happens, his Freak Flag flies at full mast.  You see, two years ago, Josh was bitten by a werewolf.  This event caused him to leave all his family and friends behind, and seek shelter in the vast city of Boston.  Now, he spends his nights alone in a forest, and his days rightfully feeling pretty sorry for himself . . .

This is Aidan.  And, no, he doesn’t always look like an extra from the Maenad-induced Orgies on Season 2 of True Blood.  (True Blood fans know EXACTLY what I’m talking about here.)

There . . . that’s better.  Aidan is a REALLY OLD vampire.  And, unlike his friend, Josh, he is not exactly unlucky with the ladies.  In fact, he gets lucky with one in his very first scene . . . a bit TOO lucky, some might say.

Don’t let this image fool you.  Aidan is not a BAD vamp.  In fact, he’s trying to go “straight,” by cutting living human blood out of his diet, entirely.  He just has a bit of an . . . “addiction problem,” one that has been fueled by many years of unadulterated feeding.  Sound familiar, TVD fans?

Unfortunately for Aidan, dead humans aren’t quite as readily accepted by the human population as Dead Bambi’s Mother.  And so, Aidan is forced to call upon one of his former vampire “friends” to clean up his mess for him, while he heads off to work.  On the way there, he picks up Josh.  The latter is still clad in that ridiculous dress (which fits him perfectly, by the way) that he pulled off some old lady’s clothes line to cover up his nakedness.  (Really?  Has anybody actually used a clothes line, since 1952?)

I read that, in the British version, Aidan (a.k.a. “John”) and Josh (a.k.a. “George”) are “hospital cleaners” by trade.  But here, in the American version, they seem as though they might be low-level orderlies, of some sort.  The job is convenient for Vampire Aidan, obviously, because it gives him ready access to a non-living blood supply.  Josh’s rationale for taking the job is a bit more murky.  However, we suspect it has something to do with him having been “pre-med,” during his “pre-werewolf” days.  It’s also a fairly anonymous job — one where he likely won’t have to work through too many full moons.

Throughout the day, Aidan keeps trying to convince Josh that they should shack up together.  By doing so, they can help one another satisfy their sexual urges “be more normal.”  (Honestly, I’m not really sure how sharing an apartment with another “freak” makes one less “freaky,” but I guess, there wouldn’t be a show, without it, right?)

Let the Bromance BEGIN!

Though initially skeptical, Josh ultimately agrees to live with Aidan.  (And why not?  After all, we never got a chance to see where either guy was living to begin with.  So, for all we know, they may both have been homeless.) 

“I don’t cook (or eat).  I don’t clean.  And my credit sucks,” explains Aidan, before the pair head off apartment hunting.

(Best ROOMMATE ADVERTISEMENT, EVER!)

Inevitably, the first day of apartment hunting, Josh falls in love with a little duplex fixer-upper apartment, close to where the guys work.  It’s current owner is a young skittish-looking guy, who seems VERY eager to rent out the place.  “You can keep all the furniture, and move in today.  And, honestly, I don’t need a credit check,” says the landlord nervously.

As it turns out, this guy has good reason to want to be rid of the apartment.  You see, his fiance DIED there. (Insert Dramatic Music Here).

But, as we know, Dead Stuff doesn’t phase these two in the LEAST.  So, into the apartment they go!   There’s just one problem.  They aren’t alone . . .

“BOO!  Haha, scared ya, didn’t I?  Get it?  Because I’m a GHOST . . . yeah . . . never mind.”

Remember how the landlord said his fiance died in the apartment.  Well . . . she’s still there!  Except, now she’s in “ghost form,” and can only be seen and heard by . . . wait for it . . . supernatural creatures.  Ghost Girl (her name is Sally, by the way) is just THRILLED about the prospect of finally having a two-sided conversation.  So, she just starts talking the boys’ ears off.  Aidan doesn’t seem too phased by the idea of bunking with a ghost AND a werewolf.  But Josh is PISSED!  He wants to have sex with Aidan alone time, DAMMIT!

The problem, of course, is that Ghost Girl Sally CAN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE.  You see, she still has “unfinished business” on Earth (as most ghosts do).  Specifically, Ghost Girl Sally isn’t quite sure how she died.  And, until she figures that out, Aidan and Josh are stuck with her . . .

Friggin Ghostly Cock Block!

But our boys have more problems than just coping with a third-wheel Casper of a roommate.  As for Aidan, there’s that little problem of the coworker he killed . . .

The police have been milling about the hospital where he works, asking questions.  And everybody seems to know that Aidan and “Rebecca” were kind of an item.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, Aidan’s call to a “vampire friend” to “clean up his mess” resulted in him being tracked down by THIS GUY . . .

That’s Marcus.  He’s a Vampire Henchman of some guy named Bishop, who you will meet, in just a bit.  He keeps talking to Aidan about “coming back.”  Apparently, like in True Blood world, the vampires in Being Human are, at least somewhat, organized.  They have a leader.  They have a social structure.  And Blood Bank Sipper Aidan . . . well . . . I guess that makes him a bit of a deserter.

During lunch, Aidan gets cornered by a policeman, who seems to know WAY TOO MUCH about Aidan’s relationship with Rebecca. In fact, he all but accuses Aidan of murdering the girl.  And, just when I’m starting to yell at the TV screen, “YOU’RE A VAMPIRE!  USE MIND CONTROL ON HIM ALREADY, YOU MORON,” the cop sitting next to him does exactly that.

That’s right, boys and girls!  Big Bad Vampire Bishop is Jacob from Lost.  How’s that for a coincidence?  Now, don’t get me wrong, casting a Metaphor for God Character from a successful series, to play your show’s main (religiously named) villain is not a bad idea, all things considered.  And yet, if Stunt Casting was, in fact, the ultimate goal, there are a few other actors I think might have served this purpose even more effectively:

A girl can dream, can’t she? 

Anyway, Jacob Bishop mind controls  . . . or compels . . . or glamours (whatever you want to call it) Mr. Policeman to think Aidan is innocent, and leave the premises.  But he doesn’t do it out of the kindness of his heart.  He wants Aidan “back.”  (Here we go again, with that “come back” stuff, which sounds a bit sexual, if you ask me.) 

From flashbacks, we learn that Aidan used to be quite the naughty beast — crashing weddings with his pal, Bishop . . .

 . . . and proceeding to EAT the entire bridal party . . .

 Mmmmm, that Vince Vaughn is TASTY!

. . . well . . . except for THIS GIRL . . .

 .  . who we just KNOW is going to be important later, don’t we?

As for Josh, he’s having his own problems.  For starters, he’s getting all tongue-tied around the Cute Quirky Future Love Interest New Girl at the Hospital . . .

“Hi, I don’t think we’ve met.  My name is Poor Man’s Claire Danes.  Nice to meet you!”

He’s also been spotted by his baby sister, who was visiting her girlfriend there, because she conveniently had a broken bone, or something,  (Yep, Little Sis is gay!  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)  Now, Emily (that’s her name, by the way) insists on knowing where Josh has been for two years, and why he ran away in the first place . . .

Of course, Josh ultimately decides NOT to come clean to his sister, a decision he will soon come to regret.  That night, Josh heads back to the hospital, to seek out the new conveniently located dungeon therein, where Aidan suggested that Josh could “safely change.”

Sounds good, right?  Well, it would be . . . . except, unbeknownst to Josh, his sister has followed him down to the dungeon.  And now, she is LOCKED IN THERE WITH HIM.  (Again, sound familiar TVD fans?)

When Josh finds out what happened, he starts FREAKING OUT, understandably.  His poor sister, who mistakenly thinks he’s sick, keeps trying to comfort him, only to finally get shoved violently out of the way.  Josh uses his cell phone to contact to Aidan, who has the key to the dungeon, and has promised to help out in situations like this. 

Unfortunately for Josh, Aidan has been swept up in a little intrigue of his own, having been practically kidnapped by Jacob Bishop and brought to some sort of Vampire Brothel . . .

(Unfortunately, it is not named Fangtasia . . .)

Once there, Aidan is taken into some seedy back room, where a slutty-looking girl slits her wrist, causing Aidan to become totally aroused, vampire-style . . .

(Something tells me, he won’t be answering his werewolf friend’s text messages any time soon.)  Josh also calls Ghost Girl Sally.

Unlike Aidan, Sally really WANTS to help her new roommate!  Unfortunately, her ghostly hand keeps going through the phone.  So, she can’t pick it up.  (Don’t you hate it when that happens?)

The episode ends on somewhat of a cliffhanger, with Aidan voyaging “back” toward the Dark Side, and Josh beginning his wolfy transformation, as his defenseless little sister looks on in horror . . .

SOMEONE needs a manicure!

And that was the Pilot Episode of Being Human in a nutshell.  Did YOU watch?  If so, what did you think?  Was it good enough to find a place on your permanent TV roster?  Or was it just a One Night Stand? 

 

Yes, I do recognize that using this picture again (especially in this context) was in poor taste.  It didn’t stop me from doing it, though!

[www.juliekushner.com]

“If You Want My BLOODY, and You Think I’m Sexy . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “There Goes The Neighborhood”

Me = seriously wishing that this ACTUALLY happened during the episode . . .

One of the things I love about The Vampire Diaries is how far the show manages to push the envelope, in terms of sexual content, while still staying within the boundaries of its 8 p.m. basic cable time slot.  The producers  have somehow managed to make this show the equivalent of a FULL HOUR of foreplay.  It’s INGENIOUS!

E = MC Screwed

Because, if you really think about it, in every GOOD vampire story, the exchange of blood is, more or less, a metaphor for sex.

The pleasure / pain sensation that comes from being “bitten” is obviously supposed to be an “O” moment . . .

“Ohhhhh, yes!”

And the whole “compulsion” / “mind control” thing is all about being able to have sex with strangers, without feeling guilty or slutty, or having to go to sex rehab with Tiger Woods and Jesse James . . .

“The Salvatore brothers made me do it . . . and THEM.”

You know what ELSE I love about The Vampire Diaries?

A duh . . .

So, while tonight’s episode of “VD” wasn’t exactly my FAVORITE (No sexually tense Damon and Elena moments?  WTF!), it still managed to make me happy like nothing else on television today can (except for maybe True Blood, which won’t be back until this summer).  Let’s revisit the foreplay, shall we?

Elena & Stefan, Caroline & Matt – Swingers?

Truthfully, this was probably the dullest storyline of the evening.  But, seeing as Elena was heard, during the episode’s opening, bitching to Stefan about how she much she wishes her life was “normal,” I think that was kind of the point.  (Honey, take it from an expert.  Normal?  It’s WAY overrated!)

So, Stefan wants to prove to Elena that the two of them are a “normal” (i.e. “boring”) teenage couple.  Meanwhile, cloyingly insecure Caroline is beginning to have doubts as to whether her new beau, Matt, is over Elena, who also happens to be his ex.  Therefore, someone comes up with the “brilliant” idea that these two uber attractive couples should engage in one big fat orgy double date with one another.

“You know, Stefan . . . in the book version, Elena was BLONDE (hint, hint).”

The double date is kind of lame.  The group decides to hit up what is, apparently, the ONLY bar / restaurant / place to meet socially outside of school in Mystic Falls.  They do this, even though three members of the group aren’t old enough to legally drink, and the fourth should be too old to walk upright, without turning into a puddle of dust and bone, let alone have a beer.  Caroline, of course, gets jealous when Elena and Matt reminisce about their past.  So, Matt decides to make it up to her by screwing kissing her in Stefan’s hot red vintage sports car.  Stefan, meanwhile, stands idly by, acting all mature, and perfect, and well-adjusted.   ZZZZZZZZ.

Sorry Stefan.  This “healthy relationship” business  just isn’t going to work for me.  I prefer my men broken, tormented, and, generally, assholey . . .

Now THAT’S more like it!

Three-some’s a Crowd!

Speaking of Damon, his ULTRA-posthumous dumping by Elena’s doppelganger, Vampire Katherine, coupled with his getting his ass kicked by a girl (Vampire Pearl, to be exact), has left him in a seriously prickly mood.  And so, like the above-referenced foursome, he too went to that ONE AND ONLY BAR to drown his sorrows.  Soon, thereafter, he is  joined by Matt’s Slutty Mom, and Elena’s Aunt Jenna, who, apparently, was friends with Matt’s Slutty Mom, back when the two were teens.

OK, I’m sorry.  But this is really starting to bug me.  How old exactly is Aunt Jenna supposed to be?  I understand that she’s the sister of Elena’s deceased mother, but I always presumed her to be the MUCH YOUNGER sister (like late 20s, early 30s, tops).  (After all, the actress is virtually the same age as Nina Dobrev, who plays Elena.  And she LOOKS IT too.)  Now, I’m suddenly supposed to be believe that the girl pictured above is in her 40s?  Did I miss something here?  Is Aunt Jenna a vampire too, and nobody told me about it? 

Anyway, Damon, Matt’s Slutty Mom (I can’t recall whether they actually gave her a name yet), and Ageless Aunt Jenna, proceed to get totally sloshed at the bar.  Then things start to get all hot and flirty, as the trio practice knotting cherry stems with their tongues (a skill I desperately wanted to acquire at age 13.  And for that reason, probably STILL have an entire cherry tree of missed tries, lying at the bottom of my stomach).  Unfortunately, Tanked Aunt Jenna bails, and my hopes of seeing a hot menage walk out the door, right along with her.

Yeah, it never happened on THAT show either . . .  DAMN YOU, misleading trios!

After the bar, Damon takes Matt’s Slutty Mom (hereinafter “MSM”) back to his La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And you gotta hand it to MSM.  This woman  is so secure in her own total sluttiness, that Damon doesn’t even have to compel her.  Within mere moments, he has thrown her up against the wall, and is about to bang and bite her brains out.  Unfortunately, Poor Damon gets cock blocked, when Elena and her Fabulous Foursome arrive back at the house.  (So, Stefan and Damon live together now?  I thought Stefan resided at his Now-Dead “Uncle”‘s house?  This show is getting to be more confusing than Lost . . .)

Welcome to the Fang House

“When you’re good to Mama, Mama won’t beat the sh$t out of you . . .”

Meanwhile, those 20 some-odd vampires, who recently broke out of the cemetery, after about 150 years of entombed imprisonment, are now holed up in some old farmhouse, which is run, with an iron fist, by Mama Pearl.  There, since they aren’t allowed to leave, the vamps all drink blood from the same source.  This Poor Matronly Lady!  The woman’s been mind controlled and bitten so many times by now, that her brain and entire body are probably the consistency of cottage cheese.  Not sexy! 

Yet, most of the vampires, like Hottie Harper (played by Sterling Sulieman), who we briefly met last week . . .

 . . . try to make the best of a bad situation, by reveling in new technology like TELEVISION and TEXT MESSAGING!  However, the EVIL VAMPIRES, like Frederick (played by Stephen Martines). . .

 . . . (who you just know is supposed to be bad news, because he wears black, and has overly tweezed eyebrows, that are perpetually pointed, like the one’s little kids draw to represent “angry people”), and his Random Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, aren’t having it.  After a brief tussle with Mama Pearl, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This Show Girlfriend break out of Fang House. 

And where does the Bad News Couple head first, you ask?  Well, ONE AND ONLY BAR in town, of course!  There, Frederick mistakes Elena for Vampire Katherine.  Then he tries to compel Aunt Jenna to let him bite her, only to learn that she is protected by vervain, and cannot be mind controlled.  Later, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, break into La Casa de Rich and Awesome by crashing through its window.  (I guess that’s one way around the “Vampires have to be invited inside” Rule . . .)

A fairly well-choreographed fight scene ensues between Frederick, Random Girlfriend (I just can’t type that name anymore.  It’s a good thing I’ll never have to use it again), Damon and Stefan.  Random Girlfriend gets her ass staked, winning the award for Senseless Death of the Episode.  Frederick, of course, escapes to Live and Re-Die another day . . . 

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn (Me into a Vampire)

In other news, Elena’s Little Bro, Jeremy (Steven McQueen, who has been looking unusually yummy, of late), is up in his room surfing for porn researching vampires.  A few episodes ago, Jeremy looked up the word “vampire” on that Wanna-Be-Google Search Engine, Bing.

This week, we found him, trolling for information in a Vampire Lovers Chat Room.  Seriously, a chat room?  Am I missing something?  Because I thought people stopped using “chat rooms” sometime around 1995 (which, interestingly enough, is probably when this Jeremy character is supposed to have been born). 

So, Jeremy is supposed to be this cool, former druggie, loner guy, right?  Why does he spend all his time sitting at the computer.  Shouldn’t he be sitting on the hood of a car in an abandoned parking lot, smoking cigarettes and looking “dangerous”, like the rest of his stereotype?

“Heyyyyyy! I resemble that remark!”

Fortunately, Jeremy doesn’t have to surf for porn research vampires for too long, because Vampire Anna has magically popped back into his life . . .

Fairly certain that Anna is an actual vampire, Jeremy begins testing the waters with her, by asking her probing questions about her family, and pointedly not inviting her into his home.  (HELLO!  You already invited her in last time, Jeremy!  She can come in whenever she wants now.  Read The Rules, Doofus!) 

 But things REALLY get interesting, when Jeremy “accidentally” takes a big ‘ole slice out of his hand with a knife in the kitchen.  (Now THAT’S an infection waiting to happen . . .)  Hungry Anna, who has, no doubt,  grown tired of sucking on that Old Lady (who knows where SHE’S been), is overtaken by desire, and sucks the heck out of Jeremy’s bloody hand.  The chemistry between these two is stellar.  And the scene is WAY hotter than it should be, especially considering it involves cannibalism and a really gory appendage . . .

When Anna demands an explanation from Jeremy as to why he goaded her into biting him, putting his own life at risk in the process, Jeremy shocks Anna by explaining that he wants her to  . . . TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE!

Tune in next week, when EVIL Vampire Frederick  (who, in addition to having angry pointy eyebrows is also, apparently, into S and M) decides to chain up and torture Stefan to “thank” him for getting the Fang House vamps locked in that tomb all those years ago . . .

Bite ya, later VDers!