Tag Archives: through many dangers toils and snares

Row, Row, Row Your Boat . . .- A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “A Hot Piece of A”

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Things we learned from this week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars:

(1) If you are a high school student in crisis (which I really hope none of your are), and need to consult with the Crisis Hotline, be sure to call the one that’s three towns over.  There’s a really good chance someone you know is working at YOUR crisis center.  And he or she will soon learn all of your dirty little secrets . . .

(2) If you are going to take a picture of four hideous-looking dolls on your camera phone,  don’t put them in front of the ugly floral wallpaper!  Put them on a couch, and then pose them, so that they look like they are doing something dirty.  It’s just funnier that way . . .

(3) If your significant other’s father randomly comes to your apartment at night, and threatens you with police action, don’t fret . . . just scream, “Please stop touching me there.  No means no,” loud enough for all the neighbors to hear.  That should shut him up . . .

(4) If it is pitch black out, and you are in the middle of nowhere, there is really no good reason for you to be in a canoe . . . NONE . . . consider a motor boat, jet ski, or luxury cruise liner, instead.

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Hello, my Pretties!  Oh, how I adore this show, let me count the ways . . .   This week’s PLL installment featured a couple reunion, a couple implosion, some deliciously X-rated allusions to Spencer’s Nana’s couch, and HIGH SEAS INSANITY, COURTESY OF A SELF-DESTRUCTING LUCAS . . .

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(Good thing it wasn’t a pool . . . We all know how allergic he is to chlorine.)

So, strap on a life jacket, and polish up your rowing skills, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Emily has Glass in her Hair!  Someone call the Wahhhhhhmbulance!

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Now that the girls have all come down from the high of potentially finding A’s cell phone, Emily has decided she’s super pissed at the girls for leaving her to battle “A” in the greenhouse ALL BY HERSELF.  And while her anger is TOTALLY justified, if I were her, I’d be wayyy more upset about the fact that I was BEATEN UP BY GARDEN TOOLS, than the fact that I had GLASS IN MY HAIR.  I mean, the latter even sounds kind of fashionable . . .

Anywhoo . . . Spencer immediately insists that the girls call on Hanna’s hacking beau, Caleb, to download data off the phone.  Considering how determined she is to keep her OWN boyfriend out of “A’s” crosshairs, this seems more than a bit hypocritical of her.  Hanna agrees with me, telling Spencer that she is not one of her “winged monkeys.”

Woo-hoo!  A Wizard of Oz reference! 

She hilariously insists that the girls use someone who’s a bit more . . .  um . . . remote to hack into the phone . . .

 

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Awww, now Hanna . . . that’s just plain racist . . .

Caleb offers the girls some “Technical Support.”

ARIA: “Hey Hanna, come look!  Caleb’s got naked pictures of you on his computer . . .”

SPENCER: “Is that my Nana’s couch?” 

So, the good news is that Caleb found a lot of major,  potentially incriminating, data on “A’s” cell phone . . .

The bad news is that he can’t access any of it (aside from one lame doll picture), because the phone’s owner cleverly trashed all of it’s content, remotely, using his computer.

Also in the “bad news” column . . . Emily smells like mulch . . .

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Caleb is going to need a bit more time to recover the phone’s files.  He looks to Hanna, who’s been unusually quiet, this entire time, for approval of his continued involvement.  She reluctantly agrees.  However, she refuses to involve him any further in this mess, by giving him more information on the subject.

This annoys Caleb, obviously.  But not enough for him to give up all the hot bunny rabbit sex, these two have apparently been having lately . . .

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(I don’t know about you, but I’d personally be VERY interested in the “other ways” they’ve been naked . . . But I guess we will have to wait for PLL to get picked up by HBO or Showtime, before we can find out . . .)

When the Spoby Mobile is a-rockin’ . . .

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Last week, if you recall, I was rather annoyed at BOTH Abs Toby and Spencer, for acting like total douchebags to one another.  Abs Toby acted like a douchebag, because he basically stalked Spencer, made her a lame rocking chair, and didn’t know how to leave well enough alone.  Spencer acted like a douchebag (Can we call girls douchebags?), because she rudely and angrily froze Abs Toby out, even though there’s a good chance he could have helped her out, if she simply let him in, a little bit . . .

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That said, I’m happy to report that both members of this couple completely redeemed themselves (at least in my eyes), this week.  I was proud of Spencer for confronting Abs Toby, apologizing for her earlier behavior, and admitting that she still cared deeply for him, even if she couldn’t tell him everything about what was going on in her life.  I was also proud of Abs Toby for accepting that Spencer had her reasons for continuing to keep him in the dark on certain things, and for making out with her, like a BAMF!

 

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Do I smell little babies with six packs, in this couple’s future?

Trouble in Paradise for the Most Disgusting Couple EVER?

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Did you ever notice how every time Spencer and Toby make out in his Looooooove Mobile, they end up overhearing a conversation that ends up being crucial to the plot?  Now, if that’s not an excuse to car bang ALL THE TIME, I don’t know what is!

This time around, Spoby overhears Police Boy Garrett arguing on the phone with Blind Jenna, who has apparently dumped his ass, over one of their EEEEEEVILL plans going horribly awry.  Police Boy Garrett is clearly a moron . . . one who obviously doesn’t understand the concept of using his “telephone voice.”  It’s no wonder the ENTIRE TOWN didn’t hear him bitching to Jenna about “messing things up last night,” and “getting someone else involved.”

Cue Spencer Face . . .

Abs Toby suggests that the pair might be fighting over Blind Jenna’s stress regarding her upcoming operation.  But Spencer immediately assumes they are referring to the girls’ botched meeting with “A”, the night before . . . a meeting about which EVERYONE in Rosewood oddly seems to have intimate knowledge.  (They must really like their greenhouses, in that town . . .)

Later, Abs Toby confronts Police Boy Garrett, and it’s kind of cool to see the tables between these two turned, for once . . .

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Apparently, Blind Jenna had some fancy limo take her to Boston (or at least to the airport), for her fancy eye surgery.  (Uh oh!  It looks like Blind Jenna might have to get a new nickname.)  Police Boy Garrett is miserable over this, because he didn’t get to take her highness, himself.  He’s desperate to know whether she went with another man.  (Ummm . . . I would kind of think her parents took her?  Getting Not-Blind-Surgery is usually the kind of thing Mom and Dad like to be in on . . . just sayin’.)

To Police Boy’s credit (though it does make him seem more than a bit pathetic), he seems to genuinely love that creepy, flute playing witch, and is more concerned for her well being, than anything else.  Abs Toby, of course, basically tells him not to bother.  “Blind Jenna uses people up, and spits them out, like chewing tobacco,” Toby explains, more or less.  She clearly did that to Abs Toby, which is just too disturbing for words, if you ask me . . .

*makes vomit noises*

I hope, for Police Boy Garrett’s sake, that Blind Jenna decides to stay in Boston.  This way, he can go back to dating Lizzie McGuire, and everyone can be happy!

Ezria gets by with a little help from their friends  . . .

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Things have gotten mighty rocky in Ezria land, ever since last week’s Declaration of Love that Went Horribly Awry  . . .

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Now, Aria’s parents are keeping her on lockdown, saddling her with a dress code, limiting her PLL Girl Time, and trying to set her up with random guest stars named “Holden.”

I’m willing to reserve judgment, until I learn more.  But I don’t like his hair. 

To make matters worse, when Aria calls Fitzy on the phone, he either screens her calls and doesn’t pick up, or, flat out, tells her not to call anymore!

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But despite all the doom and gloom, the Pretty Little Liars have managed to rally around this couple, each finding ways to show their support.  Hanna (who, not so long ago, had to endure the ignominy of having a parent who didn’t approve of her choice of boyfriend) gallantly takes the time to travel out to Hollis college, to tell Fitzy she’s on Team Ezria.  (And as sweet as the scene between them was, I thought it was kind of funny that Fitzy made Hanna leave the door open, while she was making her speech.  Hey, at least he’s learning!)

Back at Rosewood, Emily, in a speech that manages to be both respectful, and decidedly bold, reminds Aria’s mother that Aria is exactly the same person she was, before Mommy Dearest learned she was boning her former English Professor . . .

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You tell her, Sista!  (As we will see a bit later, Emily’s brief words may have gone a long way in warming Mama Montgomery’s heart . . . if not necessarily to the idea of “Ezria,” at least to the idea that Aria shouldn’t necessarily be judged poorly for what happened between them.

On the other hand . . .

Byronnnnn = Moronnnnnnnn

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“Ooh . . . a knock on the door late at night . . . I hope it’s a booty call.”

“Doh!” 

OK . . . OK . . . I understand that most parents wouldn’t be entirely cool with the idea of their sixteen year old girl dating a guy in his mid-twenties, who used to be her teacher.  But honestly, there was just something so disturbing about Byron hunting down Fitzy in his home to “lay down the law.”  For starters, there was that remark he made about him having, “gone to parties in this building . . . with my slutty student girlfriend Ella.”  Seriously, why would you tell that to someone you are about to threaten?

But the best was the part where Byron admitted that HE himself, had difficulty navigating “student /  teacher” relationships.  However, because HIS former honey happened to be two years older than Aria, THAT makes him a better person than Fitzy.  (Never mind the fact that BYRON is probably old enough to be HIS ex-girlfriend’s daddy . . . Oh, and HE’S MARRIED!!!)

I feel like I would have felt less  put off by this conversation, if it was ELLA making the threats, as opposed to Byron.  And then, when Papa Doucheface took things further, by threatening to call the police . . . well that was just TOTALLY uncalled for  . . . (and kind of made me hope that his girlfriend 1 . . . ends up to have been lying about her age, and is really just an incredibly intelligent, and rapidly aging, 14-year old; 2 . . .  happens to be pregnant with his spawn).  I know . . . I’m evil . . .

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*pees in pants* 

Remember when I mentioned how Emily’s words in support of Aria’s honor influenced Mama Montgomery to come around a bit on the whole Fitzy situation?  Well, we get to see that, firsthand, in the following scene, when she blasts MoronByron for considering going to the police, and ruining HIS OWN daughter’s already-tarnished reputation, in the process.  She also says this: “We raised our daughter to be independent, and open minded.  That means we don’t get to be shocked, when that is exactly who she is.”

BRAVO, Miss Montgomery!  That might very well be the smartest thing you’ve said all season . . .

That said, Mama Montgomery may have only been faking “smart.”  Because she sure falls fast for Aria’s ridiculously obvious lie that she has a date with “Holden,” when it’s crystal clear, she wants to see Fitzy, instead  . . .

Oops! 

What Lucas has in common with Spongebob Squarepants . . .

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By the end of this episode, they are both all wet and soggy? 

Lucas has been acting kind of strange, lately . .  . stranger than usual,  I mean.  Whereas our adorkable brunette used to practically do cartwheels, just for the opportunity to be within spitting distance of Hanna, he’s become surprisingly cool with her .  . . trying desperately to make excuses as to why they can’t study together.  He’s also been more than a bit b*tchy to Caleb, even though the two are usually, as Hanna describes them, “like Patrick and Spongebob.”

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Typically nerdy to the extreme, and a veritable fountain of knowledge on all subjects, Lucas seems oddly distracted and un-helpful, during his and Hanna’s Civil War Study Session.  He also seems to have no desire to help Hanna throw a birthday surprise party for her beau, at Spencer’s lake house where the two boned on Nana’s couch . . . ahh . .  memories.

Lucas sights “money issues,” as the reason behind his unwillingness to party plan.  I actually think there is more to this statement than meets the eye.  It may even be the reason why Lucas ended up doing what he did . . .

But more on that theory, later . . .

For now, Lucas is being weird, and Hanna is being completely oblivious, drunk as she is on Caleb love, and dreams of expanding the ways in which she and her beau can see one another naked, in the future . . .

Something tells me that later, Hanna will be kicking herself, for not picking up on the signs that something was very, very wrong . . .

1-800-Don’tHurtHanna!

Over at the LEAST ANONYMOUS CRISIS HOTLINE EVER  . . . Emily is performing her community service responsibilities.  So, of course, as part of her “training,” she is asked to read a transcript from a call that came in the night before (Now why wouldn’t you use an older transcript than that?  That just seems in bad taste to me?).  And, of course, the caller seems to have a lot in common with Emily’s attacker from the night before.

What a coinky-dink!  Mystery caller just seemed to BLAB on about screwing up, and “almost getting caught” and “shutting it down,” and “wanting to kill himself.”  Wait . . . WHAT????!!!!

Sh*t just got REAL!

Upon hearing about Emily’s experience, Spencer decides that SHE should volunteer at the call center too  out of the kindness of her heart.  How fitting then, that shortly after Spencer arrives Mystery Caller calls again, and that AWFUL Crisis Manager decides it would be a great idea to have the girls LISTEN IN, on this poor soul’s suicidal rantings.  (Note to self . . . never call a crisis center, EVER!)

Oh, but here’s the thing about Mystery Caller.  He just so happens to have a very recognizable voice . . .

“That’s LUCAS!” 

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Now, the PLL girls are convinced that Lucas is the one who attacked Emily in the greenhouse that night, and, resultantly lost his cell phone.  It would stand to reason then, that Lucas somehow, got roped into working for “A” and/or Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna.  I think this is probably a good assumption.

But the real question is HOW involved is he, and WHY is he involved?   Because, while certainly not innocent, I don’t think Lucas is nearly as evil or nutso, as the PLL girls seem to think he is, by the end of the episode.

Why nutso, you say?  Because at the end of his little convo with Worst Crisis Center Manager EVER, he says this: “I never wanted to hurt anybody . . . now I HAVE TO . . .”

Lucas dips his toe further into the Wackjob Pool, when Emily “conveniently” finds herself at the Crisis Center again, just minutes before Caleb’s surprise party, and happens to pick up the phone, herself, when Lucas calls a third time . . .

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Of course, Emily thinks Lucas is talking about Hanna.  And I think he is too.  I just don’t think he’s actually talking about killing her.  I suspect his intentionally vague words have more to do with the fact that he’s planning to come clean to her about his involvement in the whole “A” fiasco.   But he knows that the minute she finds out what he’s done to her and her friends, their friendship will be over.  I also think Lucas got roped into working with “A” as a result of . . . wait for it  . . . gambling debt.  Remember the sports betting page from earlier?

Mmmmm- hmmmm!

But that’s neither here, nor there.  The important thing to remember, right now, is that Lucas is acting a couple of pawns short of a chess game.  So, Emily needs to get to the lake house, ASAP . . . BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!!

“I can’t watch!  It’s all too INTENSE!” 

“We’re having a party . . . everybody’s . . . swimming?”

It’s Caleb’s surprise party, and everyone’s there . . .  even people who weren’t technically invited . . .

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 . . . like Mona and Bushy Eyebrows Noel (haven’t seen him in a while, have we?).  Spencer is lurking around the attic, when she randomly moves some boxes, and discovers the same ugly wallpaper from the creepy doll photograph on Lucas’ (?) cell phone.  You know what that means, don’t you? “A” was IN THE HOUSE!

Geez!  It seems like EVERYBODY gets busy on Spencer’s Nana’s couch!  (She should start charging rent, by the hour!)  Spencer then has a weird run-in with Lucas,  who claims to be “looking for tools,” and also seems to have surprisingly intimate knowledge of the room, despite, supposedly, having never been there before.  The usually fearless Spencer, looks genuinely frightened of Mr. Adorkable (who is now sweating like a pig, and not looking so hot AT ALL), and runs away like a frightened mouse . . .

Enter Emily (wow, she got there fast!), who warns Lucas not to do anything CRAZY (you know . . . like beat people with garden tools), and tells him that Hanna will probably forgive him, provided he doesn’t . . . you know . . . murder her.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Lucas thinks to himself, before deciding to take Hanna on a “romantic canoe cruise” to set off some fireworks.  Ruh roh!

“If you put me in the hospital again, Lucas Gottesman, we are SO not Facebook friends, anymore  . . .” 

In what was honestly, the most frightening PLL moment I’ve experienced in quite some time, Lucas and Hanna ride across the lake in silence, as Hanna finally catches on to the Lucasy-weirdness her friends have been warning her about.  By the time he stops rowing, grabs the oars from her hands, and sternly tells her to “sit down,” while suffering from a bad case of “Crazy Eyes,” our spunky blonde is truly terrified, and near tears.

“If you kill me, Caleb and I will never be able to have sex on Spencer’s Nana’s toilet!  (We’ve always wanted to do that.)” 

To make matters even more frightening, Spencer and Emily are now across the lake, frantically screaming at Hanna, and telling her to get the f*ck out of there.  “Don’t make this any harder for me, than it already is,” says Lucas, rising to his feet.  (That’s right, Lucas.   You tell Hanna how insensitive she’s being, for not rejoicing in the “alone time” she’s getting to spend with your seemingly crazy ass.)

On impulse, Hanna appears to knock Lucas overboard with one of her oars.

“But I’m allergic to chlorine, which means I probably can’t swim!  And if you think that once I’m dead, I’m going to help you remove all those unflattering pictures of you online, you are sadly mistaken!”

With Lucas literally “swimming with the fishes” but probably not dead . . . yet, Hanna tries frantically to paddle to shore.  But then, someone CAPSIZES her boat.  Was it Lucas?  I DON’T THINK SO!  I’ll tell you why, in just a bit . . .

Things look REALLY bad for Hanna . . . at least for a few seconds, until we see her doggie paddling to the shore like a PRO!  (Emily will be SOOO proud!)

(She’s not allergic to chlorine!) 

As Spencer and Emily pull a breathless, and pale Hanna to the shore, Bushy Eyebrows and Mona magically appear SOAKING WET!  They claim to have randomly decided to take a “sexy dip in the lake,” while Hanna and Lucas were DROWNING.  Sounds reasonable, right?

And, if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn . . .

Man, does EVERYONE on this show work for “A”?  (BTW, Mona is currently my top choice for “A.”  Because Blind Jenna just seems too obvious.  As for my second choice?  Maya .  . . just because it would be so completely out of left field, that it would make me giggle.)

If the letter fits . . .

In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Poor Caleb chooses this moment to arrive at the Birthday Party that will Never Be . . .

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At least he’ll still get to eat that really pretty chocolate birthday cake Hanna baked for him!

In the final moments of the episode, we see yet another hooded figure fishing Lucas’ sneaker out of the water . . .

(For those of you who don’t remember, Lucas’ sneakers had a cameo on this show, back in Season 1, when we found out he destroyed Ali’s memorial?)

So, is Lucas gone for good?  No, he’s in next week’s promo.  It’s too early to tell.  But one things for sure.  After his little “boat ride” with Hanna, someone sure as hell has a lot of explaining to do . . .

Now . . . promos for next week . . . you want ’em?  We’ve got em  . . .

(Once again, CANADA WINS!  Come on, USA!  Get with the program!)

So, how did you like “Hot Piece of A?”  How crazy is Lucas, really?  Do you actually believe Bushy Eyebrows and Mona about their “late night swim?”  What the f*#k are we supposed to call Blind Jenna after her surgery? Are you happy for Spoby?  Miserable for Ezria?  And perhaps most importantly, WHO DO YOU THINK IS A?

Please sound off, in the comments section below.  Until next time, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Everybody Hates Emily? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Through Many Dangers, Toils and Snares”

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Greetings, My Pretties!  Happy New Year, and welcome back!  It sure has been a long cold winter, without any nefarious texts from “A,” sneers from Blind Jenna, obligatory Ali flashbacks, or Pretty Little Couple’s Makeout Sessions.

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Fortunately, Pretty Little Liars is back with a vengeance.  And if this mid-season premiere episode is any indication, we are in for quite the wild ride.

So slip into that fashionable orange jumpsuit, practice your right hook, and prune your garden hoe, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

GIRLFIGHT!

We open on a completely random shot of little girls jumping rope to some Pretty Little Liars’ themed rhyme.  You know, because little girls are scary . . . especially ones who jump rope.  Then again, perhaps I only think this because I was a particularly unathletic child.

Anywhoo . . . it’s been one month since our fabulous foursome was caught fondling the Big Fat Shovel That Killed Now-Dead Ali.  The time jump conveniently ensures that we can skip over all that Boring Legal Stuff the girls likely had to endure for being the MAIN SUSPECTS IN A MURDER!

Thank goodness for that!  And, while we’re at it, thank goodness for Spencer’s Mom!  She must be the best criminal attorney EVER!  Step aside, Guy Who Represented O.J. Simpson (Johnny Cochran, R.I.P.).  There’s a new sheriff in town!

But lest you think our pretties got off scot-free, this is NOT the case.  They had one month of community service, which basically entailed picking up trash on the highway.  (Take that, Lindsay Lohan!)

At first blush, this doesn’t sound so bad, right?  I mean, aside from being a very environmentally conscientious “green” thing to do, they get to do it together.  So, here I am expecting a nice, fun-filled, scene filled with snarky one-liners, community service hijinks, and maybe even a chain gang sing-a-long a la Glee.  But, alas, it is not to be.  Something stinks in Rosewood.  And it’s not the trash on Highway 16 . . .

Suddenly Emily is TOTALLY sticking it to Spencer for not wanting to go in on her “Big Plan.”  She even goes as far as to suggest that Spencer’s rich, fancy parents would throw the rest of the girls under the bus for Ali’s murder, if they had the chance . . .

Cue Spencer Face . . .

 Ugly Horse Sweater not included . . .

Next thing you know, Spencer is tossing her garbage bag at Emily, and the girls are throwing down, Fight Club-style . . .

The moment that launched hundreds of M-rated Spemily Slash fanfictions . . .

Things get so intense between the two growling, grunting, hair-tugging teens, that the local sheriffs have to intervene.  (But not, Police Boy Garrett . . . whose sole function on the police force seems to be to sit in his car and suck face with Blind Jenna twirl his non-existent Evil Mustache and plot World Domination).  The altercation results in two extra weeks of community service for each girl.  Oh, and Spencer’s dreams of an Ivy League education are pretty much shot to hell.  But, hey, I hear the Women’s Wrestling Federation is hiring!

But Spencer isn’t the only one who seems to be hating on Emily.  Back at La Casa de Marin, Hanna is also giving her the cold shoulder.  AWK-WARD . . . especially considering that, last I checked, these two were sharing a bedroom.  Emily doesn’t mind too much though.

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After all, she got a Really Cool and Mysterious Fax.   Maybe it’s from the Womens’s Wrestling Federation.  Meanwhile . . .

Frowny Fitzy and Avoidant Aria

Aria’s skipping through town with her used-to-be-crazy for about three episodes Little Brother Mike.  (By the way, does anyone else think Little Brother Mike kind of looks and acts like Little Brother Jeremy from The Vampire Diaries?  Just wondering . . .)

Little Brother Mike tells Aria that he’s happy he has a nice new therapist, and that people don’t look at him like he’s a Bobble Head anymore.  This caused me to wonder how exactly people look, when they are looking at a Bobble Head.  Do they just nod a lot?

The Montgomery duo run into Fitzy in town.  So, Aria, being super slick, and not-at-all obvious . . .

. . . tells Little Brother Mike to go throw out her coffee cup in the Trashcan Far, Far Away.  Little Brother Mike complies, but not without looking at Fitzy, like he’s a Bobble Head.  (See what I did there? ;))  Apparently, Aria’s been giving Fitzy the Big Freeze, ever since Wacky Jackie threatened to have her former honey fired from Hollis College, if Aria continued to see him.

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This probably would have been a REALLY good time for Aria to tell Fitzy that his latent-onset psycho ex-fiance will most likely come after him with an axe screaming, “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN,” if the two are seen together.  But hey, Pretty Little Liars wouldn’t be Pretty Little Liars if all the characters didn’t keep completely unnecessary secrets from one another.  And besides, Little Brother Mike is back from his trek to the Trashcan Far, Far Away.  So, it’s hasta la vista, for now, Dear Fitzy . . .

“Toodles!” 

Elsewhere . . .

We’ll get you, Policeboy Garrett! (And your creepy blind girlfriend too.)

Clearly having picked up a thing or two about creepy fortune-cookie-esque taglines from “A,” Spencer confronts the traitorous Police Boy Garrett.  She does this, pretty much just to make fun of his now-public relationship with Blind Jenna  . . .

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(If by “interesting” you mean “stomach-turning” and “vomit-inducing,” then, yes, they certainly are “interesting,” Spencer.)

Spencer also wants to freak to Police Boy Garrett out, by making him think that she’s on to his involvement in their frame-up and/or Ali’s murder, and/or A’s antics .  . .

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I’d say her intimidation tactics were successful, but it’s really hard to tell.  After all, Police Boy Garrett only seems to possess one facial expression: the “I Just Got Laid by a Minor” look . . .

Given that, it’s often difficult to determine whether he is scared, angry, smug, or just really has to pee . . .

GIRLFIGHT: Part Deux

Things continue to go from crappy to crappier for Poor, Newly-Outcasted, Emily Fields.  We find out that the fax she received earlier in the episode was actually a clean bill of health from that time “A” put steroids in her skin cream.

Don’t do it. NOOOOOOO! 

An excited Emily approaches her athletic advisor with the results,  hoping that she can finally rejoin the swim team.  The problem, of course, is that Emily is a murder suspect.  And I guess the thought that one of your teammates might bash your head in with a shovel in the locker room is “bad for team morale,” or whatever.  Then again, that Paige chick ALMOST DROWNED SOMEONE.  And she still got to swim.  Lame . . .

 To make matters worse, Emily almost comes to blows with Spencer in English class, when the two knock into one another, conveniently sending one another’s books flying across the floor.  (Wink, wink.)

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This prompts “A” to send Emily a text message . . .

. . . and Emily to respond, in a way that would only make sense if “A” happened to be in the same English class . . .

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After class, Emily is at her locker, when she comes upon a book she accidentally/ on purpose took from Spencer.  (It’s The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers.  I’m not really sure that’s relevant.  But I figured, it couldn’t hurt.) Inside the book is a note instructing Emily to meet SOMEONE at 10:30 p.m. that night.  Emily complies.  And, SURPRISE!  It’s the rest of the girls.

Apparently, all this “Hating on Emily” was just a Big Ole Ruse to make her look like the Weakest Link, and get “A” to meet her.  Clever, right?  Yeah, I didn’t think so either.  But it did give the actresses a chance to wrestle!  So, yay to the writers for that . . .

Lucas Flirts with Hanna / Has an Online Gambling Problem (?) / Gets His Heart Broken

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Though I love me some sexy Haleb action just as much as the next girl, I’m still a Lucas / Hanna shipper at heart.  So, of course, the nerd girl inside of me did a little Happy Dance, when I found out that Lucas has been keeping Hanna company, while his bromantic buddy, Caleb, is soaking up the sun in California with his Rich Bio Mom . . .

Apparently, Lucas has been spending whatever time he’s not actually with Hanna, combing the internet for pictures of her in her prison jumpsuit . . . which, to him, is probably almost (but not quite) as good as porn.  I think it’s super sweet that Lucas is willing to take down all these pictures to spare Hanna’s “pristine” image.

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But Lucas is no dummy.   He knows an opportunity for flirtation when he sees one.  And so, he cleverly manages to sneak into the conversation the fact that he thinks Hanna looks “pretty,” even in prison garb . . .

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You’ve got to admit, the Dude’s got game.  Speaking of game, this was the Super Mysterious Website he had on his screen, before Hanna sat down next to him . . .

It looks like some sort of online sports gambling site.  Perhaps, in addition to a successful eBay Auction career, and expert finder of Hanna Marin pictures, our adorkable, innocent, chlorine intolerant, Lucas is also a bookie.  Who knew?

It recently occurred to me that Lucas is not only a Mini Seth Cohen from The O.C.

He also may very well be the future lovechild of Leonard and Penny from The Big Bang Theory.  (Yes, I watch way too much television.)

How else would you explain his feeble attempt to interest Hanna in the fascinating world of comic books and graphic novels?

But alas, this little foray into geekdom will be short-lived.  Not long after the the Beauty and the Geek duo return to Hanna’s house,  they find Mr. Sexy Pants, himself, Caleb, right there waiting for them.

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It becomes immediately apparent that the Caleb / Lucas bromance is starting to sour, when Lucas not-so-subtly implies that he liked Caleb much better when he was living in California, as opposed to regularly boning their mutual dream girl.

Lucas then wryly lectures Caleb on possibly leading Hanna on, if he plans on staying in California, for the long term.   It’s a nice gesture, on Lucas’ part, but, at the same time, a bit self-serving.  And I say this as a Lucas Fan . . .  (Please don’t let him be “A” or Ali’s killer . . . pretty please, Writers!  I beg you!)

Elsewhere, in Unrequited Love Land . . .

Spoby on the Rocks .  . . with a Rocking Chair

Apparently, Spencer took A’s thinly veiled threat regarding Abs Toby’s safety VERY seriously . . . so seriously, in fact, that she hasn’t said a word to him, since she unceremoniously dumped him in his car, one month ago.  But when the going get dumped, the dumped build rocking chairs.  And that’s exactly what Toby does for Spencer . . . you know . . . because she’s secretly an 80-year old woman with a bad back and arthritis . . .

But Spencer doesn’t want anything to do with Toby, or his senior citizen gift (or, at least that’s what she wants him to think).  And she tells him as much  .  .  “Forget about me,” she tells him, coldly.  “Worry about your sister and that cop boyfriend of hers,” she concludes, before stalking into her house.

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Poor Abs Toby.  I blame the rocking chair . . . if he had only taken off his shirt, instead, things might have gone differently . . .

GIRLFIGHT III: Now with more Liars . . .

At the school swim meet, Abs Toby confronts his pal Emily, to ask her why Spencer is suddenly acting like such a Raging Biatch.  Emily, of course, has to pretend that her and Spencer aren’t friends anymore, so that they can keep up their ruse with “A.”  And she too, blows off Toby.

After the match, the girls stage their Big Fight for “A.”  During it, Emily asks Spencer for the box that Jason gave Aria, which purportedly contains Ali’s things, and a “Big Clue as to A’s Identity.”  Backed by the other girls, Spencer angrily refuses to tell Emily the location of the box.  And Emily threatens to find it, and steal it.  Moments later, Emily receives yet-another text from “A.”  It says . . . (drumroll please) . . .

Those watching the altercation include Lucas, Caleb, Garrett, and Toby . . . along with . . . well . . . I guess the rest of the school, just to narrow it down for ya!

Ezria Comes Out of the Closet / Gets a Fat Lip

Under the guise of returning a book to Ezra, Aria sneaks into his office at Hollis College, while he’s teaching a class, in order to leave him a love note of some sort.  Of course, who should walk in to witness this but Wacky Jackie . . .

And she’s ANGRY!  Aria has DISOBEYED her, and now SHE WILL PAY!  Or will she?  Because Fitzy just so happens to have heard the WHOLE THING!  And he is not amused by his batsh*t crazy, faux-tanned, ex’s antics.  This discovery prompts Aria to FINALLY come clean about why she dumped Fitzy in the first place, which, in turn, prompts Fitzy to decide that he and Aria should come “out” to her parents, ASAP . . .

Oh, the awkwardness of this moment!  I was squirming in my seat, as Fitzy, looking like a frightened child faced down Aria’s parents.  All he really had to do was tell them that he and Aria were dating now.  Or better yet, a t-shirt might have sufficed . . .

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But noooooo!  Fitzy had to be all honest.  He just HAD to tell Aria’s parents that he LOOOOOOVEED Aria, and that he’d been dating her the WHOLE TIME he was her teacher.  Now, I’m not saying, they would have taken the news better, if it was a bit more edited down, but it certainly would have been worth a shot.

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That said, I was proud of Aria  for having the courage to stand up, walk over to Fitzy, and hold his hand.  It was a nice moment of solidarity between these two.  Plus, I’m pretty sure her brave actions kept poor Fitzy from pooping in his pants . . .

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 Now, we all know how Mama Montgomery reacted, when she thought Fitzy was diddling Spencer.  So, the fact that she took news of her own daughter’s May/December romance with the English teacher badly was no surprise.

But Papa Montgomery?  Mr. I Made Out with a Student Young Enough to Be My Kid in Front of my Own Daughter and Made Her Promise Not to Tell Her Mother?  You would think that he, of all people, would at least pretend to be a bit more understanding . . .

*cough* douchebag *cough* 

Yet, things are about to get worse for Fitzy.  Of course, Daddy Hypocrite promptly kicks him out of the house.   But before he can go, Little Brother Mike dashes down the stairs to give his sister’s not-so-new lover a little parting gift.  I’ll give you a hint.   It’s something that rhymes with “lunch.”

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Sayonara, Poor Man’s Megan Fox Wacky Jackie

Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, hey, hey, hey, GOOOODBYEEEEEE! 

Understandably, Fitzy heads back to Hollis to lick his wounds and get faded on that fancy Scotch he supposedly doesn’t like to drink.  Then, in walks Jackie with her smug face that I want to reach into the screen and pound into a flat pancake . . .

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Apparently, Fitzy feels the same way, because he threatens her with the awesomest one liner to ever emerge from his mouth . . .

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He even manages to add a hint of Crazy Eyes to the line delivery, which just makes the statement all the more awesome.  Suddenly, I have this great image of Fitzy going all Terminator on Wacky Jackie’s ass . . .  Now, that’s an episode I’d want to see . . .

As for Hobag’s now completely useless threats against Aria, Fitzy had these final words to say . . .

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Balls . . . Fitzy has them . . . who knew?

The Return of Dipsh*t Daddy, Evil Kate, and (Slighty Creepy Again,This Week) Abs Toby . . .

Poor Emily . . . she’s got no luck this week.  Here she is FINALLY waiting at the greenhouse to confront A, and NONE of her friends are on time meeting her.  First there’s Aria, who’s grounded for having a teacher boyfriend.  Interestingly enough, she ends up getting a helping hand out of the house, from none-other-than Little Brother Mike, who offers her an escape route, as a way of apologizing for beating up her boyfriend.  Apparently, he only did it, so that his father wouldn’t get a chance.  Way to stick it to the Man, Little Brother Mike . . .

Then Hanna has to meet with her Douchey Daddy, who tells her that he’s moving his whole new family, including that beast of a stepdaughter Kate to Rosewood, in order to punish Hanna for stopping the wedding help the Marins become one big happy family again.  Ugh!  KATE!  I thought we were rid of that evil wench . . .

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Spencer can’t leave, because Toby has accosted her in her home, once again.  Oddly enough, he seems to have taken Emily’s side, in their faux-fight, after the swim match, and is accusing Spencer of turning into Ali.  Woah!  Tobster, comparing a woman to a dead b*tch is not exactly the way to win back her heart!  Just sayin . . .

Spencer pushes past Toby, promising him that she will explain everything, tomorrow, provided he promises to let her go, and not follow her.

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And if you believe he kept his promise, I have a bridge to sell in you in Brooklyn for a dollar . . .

“A” Does Some Gardening with Emily’s Face, Hanna Gets Revenge, and we get a cliffhanger . . . 

Ugh!  I know this was an exciting scene.  And it had a great final payoff.  But this was the part of the episode that frustrated me the most.  You ever watch one of those cartoons, where the super villain has this GREAT opportunity to kill the main protagonist?  But he mucks it up, by taking like FIVE MINUTES to explain his entire master plan, before pulling the trigger?

That’s how I felt about Emily, when she confronted her black-hoodie wearing nemesis in the greenhouse, in the final moments of this episode.  Now, granted, perhaps, she was just stalling, while waiting for the rest of the girls to arrive.  But really, there were so many ways she could have unmasked “A” in this scene.

Annoyance aside, the smug expression on Emily’s face, when she revealed to  A, that she FINALLY got the upper hand on him or her, by getting him or her to come all the way out in the middle of nowhere, just to look inside, what ended up being an empty box, was full of win.  Kudos to Shay Mitchell for an excellent perfomance in this scene.

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And yet, really, did she have to SHOW “A” the box?  Wouldn’t it have made sense for Emily to ask “A” to reveal him or herself, BEFORE giving up the information?  Or, perhaps she could have told “A” to “come and get” the box, and ripped the hood off his or her head, once she got close enough to do it.

Another option would have been to stall, until all the girls got there, and had them all jump out and tackle “A” together, ripping off his or her hoodie, before the villain knew what hit him or her.  Of course, my favorite option, by far would be for the PLL’s to install a camera inside the box, so that it snapped a picture of “A,” once he or she opened it, and sent a picture of the culprit to one of the PLL girl’s cell phones.

But alas, Emily did none of these things.  And this gave “A” the opportunity to ATTACK HER WITH NUMEROUS GARDEN TOOLS, BREAK GLASS OVER HER HEAD, and TRY TO STRANGLE HER . . .

Folks, that’s not good . . .

Luckily, Aria and Spencer arrived just in time to prevent “A” from KILLING Emily.  But they didn’t get their fast enough to catch “A”, before he or she managed to escape the greenhouse on foot.  You know who DID sort-of catch A, though?  HANNA . . . WITH HER CAR!  Seriously, how great is that? (Payback’s a b*tch!)

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Of course, in any normal world, getting hit by a car, while wearing a hood, would cause one’s hood to fall off, thereby revealing the victim’s identity.  But no such luck here, as “A’s” sweatshirt is apparently made of Kryptronite or some other supernatural material that renders it impervious to impact by cars.  Additionally, it is important to note that while Hanna nearly lost HER life from being hit by “A’s” car back in season one, “A” managed to get up and run away, without so much as a scratch on him or her.  Go  figure!

But Hanna’s not all that upset about this.  She just wants to know if any of her pals managed to figure out A’s sex, while fondling the perpetrator in the greenhouse . . .

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Silly Little Liars!  They had “A” right in their clutches, and no one thought to try and get to second base . . . pity!  And yet, there is a silver lining to this cloud.  You see, the impact of Hanna’s car might not have caused “A” to lose his or her hood.  But it did cause “A” to lose a CELL PHONE . . .

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 Uh oh, “A”!  It looks like you really do have something to be afraid of, now . . .

The final moments of the episode, show a rather frantic, and pissed-off “A” looking desperately for his or her cell phone, which we know the girls have already stolen.  He or she then breaks the window to (I think) Hanna’s car, which, honestly, I’m not sure why she left there.  It seems like a particularly boneheaded thing to do, under the circumstances.  But hey, what do I know?

Next week’s Pretty Little Liars’ promises lots of cell phone hacking antics, an in-car smooch, and a whole lot of yelling . . . You can check out the promo here.  (I haven’t managed to find the Canadian promo yet.  But as soon as I do, I will most certainly be sure to share.)

So, what did you think about the Mid Season premiere?  Were you fooled by the girls’ faux fighting?  Are you happy that Caleb is back, and that Ezria is finally out of the closet?  Have any new theories as to who “A” might be, based on the clues we received in this episode?  Oh, and where the hell was Blind Jenna or Mona, during all of this?  And, more importantly . . . WHERE’S MY WREN?

Until next time, my Pretties . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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