Tag Archives: Tiger Woods

So, Who’s on YOUR Celebrity Freebie List?

Last night, on HBO’s new critically acclaimed series, Treme . . .

 . . . two characters, currently in a romantic relationship with one another, were discussing the concept of “Monogamy with Exceptions.”

NO!  Not YOUR type of “exceptions!”  Nice try, Tiger!

The “exceptions” to which this couple was referring were “celebrity exceptions.”  Namely, the couple agreed that each of them could choose three famous individuals that, if given the opportunity, they could proposition for sex, without being considered to have “cheated” by the other person.  Their discussion was highly intriguing (for me, anyway).  And, while watching it, I couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER show, where a television couple entered into a similar sort of “agreement.”

(Click the internal link to view this fun clip from the Friends episode entitled “The One with Frank Jr.”)

So, obviously, this got me thinking about which five celebrities I would include on my “Freebie list.” (I decided on FIVE celebrities, like in the Friends version, as opposed to THREE, like in the Treme version, because . . . well . . . because I’m greedy, that’s why!)  Now, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on whether you are a glass half-full or half-empty type person), I am currently single.  Thus, the creation of such a list for me is really a moot point.  After all, without a boyfriend to prevent me from doing so, I can sleep with ANY CELEBRITY I WANT!

Assuming they’d be willing to sleep with me . . .

Darn  . . . I forgot about that part . . .

However, I recognize that there may come a time, in the future, when I do have a significant other.  And said significant other may not, in fact, be willing to permit me to sleep with “any celebrity I want.” (MEANIE!)  Therefore, I realize that it might be wise for me to have my “freebie list” pre-prepared, and ready to be “whipped out,” at a moment’s notice.  And, I have to say, when it came down to creating my list, I had a lot more in common with Ross from Friends, than the characters from Treme.

Yeah, YOU!  Don’t look so excited . . .

Specifically, I had A LOT of trouble narrowing down my list to ONLY FIVE celebrities.  If you’ve visited this blog before, you know that (1) it is FILLED with pictures of shirtless celebrities; and, (2) I want to SLEEP WITH ALL OF THEM!

I decided I needed to have some guiding principle by which to narrow down my choices.  So, I excluded from my list any celebrity that was married, engaged, or in a serious long-standing relationship.  My rationale for doing this should be fairly obvious.  Basically, if I’m going to be limited to only FIVE “Get Out of Adultery Free” Cards, I’d really like to make them count.  And “making them count” requires that there be at least a small chance (no matter how infintesimal) that, were I actually to proposition my celebrities of choice, they would ACTUALLY SAY YES! 

 Granted, in this day in age, “marriage” and “monogamy,” in celebrity world, are not necessarily synonyous with one another.

 

And yet, those two terms are still synonyous in MY WORLD, even in the hypothetical context of this “list.”  Therefore, the following celebrities, each of whom would have LIKELY made this list, were excluded, do to their respective current relationship statuses:

Joshua Jackson

(Currently in a long-standing relationship with Diane Kruger)

John Krasinski

(Currently engaged to Emily Blunt)

Thanks to Best Week Ever for the above pic.  I am neither clever enough, nor sufficiently adept at Photoshop, to come up with something like this .  . .

Josh Holloway

(Currently married to Yessica Kumala)

And Matt Damon

(Currently married to Luciana Bozan Borroso)

I am happy to report that I have sufficiently narrowed down my choices, using the above-referenced principle.  Below are (in no particular order), the five male celebrities that comprise my Freebie List:

1) George Clooney

As far as I am concerned, any female who doesn’t put Clooney on their Freebie List is missing out on an EXCELLENT opportunity.  After all, I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t settling down any time soon.  (Would YOU?  If you were HIM?) Seriously, he is gorgeous, cut, majorly sexy, smart, and funny.  Plus, Mr. Clooney has been known to have a thing for younger ladies of the non-celebrity persuasion, JUST LIKE ME!  (OK . . . perhaps, a little bit hotter than me . . . but still . . .). 

2) Ian Somerhalder

Why Ian, you ask?  Just watch ONE episode of The Vampire Diaries, and you will know why this guy HAS to be on my list!  Better yet, check this out!

3) Ryan Kwanten

Why Ryan?  Did you LOOK at the above-picture?  If that hasn’t sold you, this fan-made video should do the trick (assuming you are a heterosexual female . . . and you have a pulse).

4) Bryan Greenberg

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I REALLY LIKE HIM.  There’s just something very relatable about him.  Maybe it’s his self-depracating charm, or the fact that he can SING, as well as act.  Or, perhaps, it’s the fact that, even though he is “all famous and stuff” now, he’s still not above posting quirky, refreshingly awkward, videos of himself on YouTube.

(I seriously want to reach through the screen and pinch those cheeks!)

5) Vincent Kartheiser

You’re all going to think I am REALLY bizarre for this.  But I have a thing for Pete Campbell on Mad Men!   A BIG ONE!  Yes, I know!  He’s smarmy, and self-centered, weasely, and a wee-bit square.  But . . . he’s just so . . . PETE!  I don’t know.  Maybe I just have a weakness for the bad boys.  But Pete showed some real vulnerability in Season 3 of Mad Men!  Plus, he has a real soft spot for Peggy.  Check out this video if you don’t believe me . . .

So . . . there you have it:  My Freebie List.  Who’s on YOURS?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tiger’s New Nike Commercial (a.k.a “I HEAR Dead People. I SEE a Slutty Person.”)

“He keeps LOOKING at me . . . like he wants to tell me something . . . or send me an illicit text message about his man parts.”

The above New Nike commercial, which features the voice of Tiger’s father, Earl Woods, who died of a heart attack back in 2006, hit the air waves today, amidst much controversy and generalized hubbub.  The release of the commercial directly coincides with the commencement of the Masters Tournament.  This prestigious tourney just so happens to be the first one to feature Tiger Woods and his balls (er . . . golfballs), since this past November of 2009.  At that time, as I’m sure you are well aware (assuming YOU haven’t been underground for four years), both Tiger and his balls got caught in an entirely different sort of trap than the sandy ones you might find on the putting green.

Tiger grabbing his balls . . .

Tiger thinking with (and subsequently losing) those SAME balls . . .

I’m still not quite sure how I feel about this commercial.  On one hand, as a marketing technique, this is is FABULOUS.  I haven’t thought or talked about Nike this much since third grade.  That was when I first learned that “doing it” was a euphemism for sex.  Eight-year old me, therefore, instantly ranked Nike’s slogan right up there with poopy and fart jokes, as the coolest and funniest three words of all time.

In addition to being (pardon the expression) “ballsy,” the Nike commercial is a work of cinematic brilliance.  The grainy aged-looking black-and-white film, the somber tone it evokes, the way Tiger stares the camera directly in its face, wistful, yet proud — daring you, the viewer to judge him — all of these things work together to create a package that is evocative and strangely beautiful.  In short, this scene wouldn’t look at all out of place in one of those weird artsy French films that you sometimes find on the Independent Film Channel.

But you know what else, makes this commercial remind me of French films?   IT’S CREEPY!  Earl Woods’ disembodied voice, obviously recorded prior to his death (at least, I hope), is oddly prescient.  It feels as though Woods’ authoritarian father is rising from the grave to “ground” him for his wrong doing. 

But you know what’s even creepier?  When it comes down to it, this 30-second short isn’t really about judgment or redemption at all.  Take away all that fancy esoteric packaging, and this video has one purpose, and one purpose only . . . to make YOU buy sneakers!

Celebrities, like Tiger Woods, are paid millions of dollars to star in advertisements like this one.  In them, marketers are telling YOU, the viewer, impliedly, that if you shell out the cash to buy these products, you can become LIKE the celebrity featured using them.  In Tiger’s case, this gives new meaning to the phrase “Wear Nike and just do it . . .” 

Then again, using THAT logic, this is a really ineffective commercial.  After all, while watching this, you couldn’t really tell what was going on below Tiger’s waist AT ALL.  (“That’s what SHE said!” – har de har har).  Tiger very well may have been wearing ADDIDAS, or KEDS or a pizza box, for all we know . . .

Of course, Nike certainly has a right to stand by its celebrity endorser.  After all, Tiger Woods is STILL an excellent golfer.  No one can contest that.  However, was it necessary for the corporation to support him in this way, by exploiting his deceased father, his misdeeds, and, everyone hurt by his actions –most notably, his wife Elin, his two children, and two dogs?

Animals suffer during divorce too, you know!

Is a celebrity entitled to make mistakes, repent for them, and stage a career comeback, after taking some time out to do some serious soul-searching?  Absolutely.  I’m just not entirely sure that this commercial was the best (or most tasteful) way for Tiger Woods to “just do it” . . .

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Filed under New Nike commercial, sex scandal, Tiger Woods