Forget Paranormal Activity 2, THIS is the scariest sight I’ve seen ALL WEEK . . .
. . . and, apparently, I’m not the only one who thought so!
So, this is Halloween Week. This tends to be the week when television shows try to add a little something “special” and “Halloweeny” to their episodes. They do this, in a shallow attempt to SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF US!
Glee has the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The Vampire Diaries has a Masquerade Ball and a Murderous Kat. Gossip Girl has an Evil Raccoon Zombie with bad hair extensions . . .
But you want to know the SCARIEST THING about this episode? During it, I actually . . . gulp . . . didn’t mind . . . Jenny Humphrey!
OH THE HORROR!
Let’s get on to the recap, OK?
Wait Until Dark . . . Then Freak Out in the Morning
Yes, boys and girls. Only Blair Waldorf wakes up in the morning with perfect makeup, flawless skin, and not a single hair out of place . . . B*TCH!
In anticipation of this upcoming episode, many of you might have had nightmares about Jenny Humphrey’s impending return to Gossip Girl. Apparently, so did Blair. When the episode opens, our Queen B is, once again, dreaming herself into an Audrey Hepburn movie. Only, this time, it is not the Happy “Holly Go Lightly” Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It’s . . . Wait Until Dark.
In the dream sequence, a blind Blair (Wait . . . She was blind? How did she SEE ANY OF THIS?) hears an intruder in her house, and becomes immediately convinced that it is Chuck Bass. But, when the intruder attacks her from behind, Blair, in an attempt to defend herself, grabs a hold of something . . . HAIR . . . long . . . grimy . . . stringy . . . despicable . . . HAIR. My goodness! Who could it possibly be?
Good guess . . . but I’m pretty sure it was Jenny Humphrey . . .
Meanwhile, across town, Serena is in bed with that Slutty Hot Guy who kept stealing her cab last week.
Except . . . they are wearing clothes . . . A LOT OF CLOTHES. You know what? I don’t these two slept together . . .
Man, this episode is terrifying. Clearly, this is a WORLD GONE MAD!
Anyway, Slutty (but not TODAY!) Serena sneaks out of Cab Guy’s apartment, because she doesn’t want to be like “all those other girls” she sees entering cabs from there, on “the morning after.” (Yes, Serena. Because Walks of Shame are SO much classier, than Cab Rides of Shame. Good call, Girlfriend!)
“I am SMART! S-M-R-T!”
But then, in a twist that shocked positively NO ONE, when Serena arrives at her “class,” which is Psychology of Business, or something . . .
(Wait . . . another business class? What’s the matter? Don’t any of you Gossip Girls like Science? Or Math? Or Underwater Basket Weaving?)
. . . who is her new professor but, lo and behold, Cab Guy!
(I’m sure Columbia University is SO HAPPY to know that their prestigious faculty is being represented on this show as He Sluts and B*tchy Ladies who quit teaching because their prospective Teaching Assistants fight over them . . .)
The Day Pass and the Dropped Class
Never one to disregard her Audrey Hepburn Dreams, Blair rushes to La Casa de Humphrey / van der Woodsen, and finds to no one’s surprise that Jenny Humphrey is there!
Queen B is just APPALLED that Evil Raccoon Zombie would have the GALL to disregard her Decree of Banishment, and show her mascara-stained face in Upper Manhattan.
“Off with her head!”
And yet, The Queen is feeling quite generous today. Upon hearing that Jenny has an interview with Tim Gunn, for admittance into Parsons School of Design . . .
“Oooh Jenny! That hair! That MAKEUP! This concerns me. I’m very troubled . . .”
. . . Blair offers Jenny a “Day Pass” from Queen B-sized torture. The terms of said Day Pass are that (1) Jenny stays home all day; and (2) she ONLY leaves the house to attend her interview.
Now, is that not the sweetest thing you ever heard? No? Well, clearly you don’t understand the sheer magnificence that is Relative Kindness to Evil Raccoon Zombies!
“I’m so happy I could eat out of a garbage can! Oh, wait . . . I always do that!”
Not that it matters, anyway. We all know it isn’t going to last . . .
Meanwhile, Serena confronts Professor Cab Guy, and tells him that they should just be friends teacher / student, or whatever. But then Professor Cab Guy starts laying it on really thick! He’s all . . . “I CARE about you! I think we could really HAVE something together. You’re so smart and witty! I have so many new and unusual STDs to give you. But I can’t give you them, if we never screw!“
“I’m concerned. This troubles me. He’s just so full of sh*t!”
Ummm . . . yeah . . . the minute Professor Cab Guy (His name is “Colin” by the way. I just like Professor Cab Guy, better . . .) started alluding to the fact that he was attracted to Serena, because she’s “smart” and has a “great personality,” we all should have IMMEDIATELY known something was up . . .
But, alas, Serena is actually deluded enough to think she is smart, and actually has a great personality! And so, she falls for all this hook-line-and-sinker. She agrees to to hold off on taking Psychology of Business, or whatever, until next semester. She also agrees to be Professor Cab Guy’s date to the Eligible Bachelor Award Party at the Boom Boom Room.
OK . . . so let me get this straight. They give out awards to guys for being single, at a place called the “Boom Boom Room?” Does that sound strange to anybody else?
Crimes of Fashion
After running into Chuck, and reminding him that she “banished” Jenny for “both [their] sakes” . . .
“Honestly, Chuck, do you REALLY want people to know you slept with Little J? Let’s put aside, for a moment, the fact that she’s underaged, and you two are kind-of/sort-of related. Have you seen that HAIR?”
. . . Blair contacts her Army of Minions (which now, apparently, includes Penelope again – Oh how the mighty, hath fallen!). She then instructs them to stake out Little J’s casa, to make sure Spaghetti Head abides by the terms of her Day Pass.
OK . . . now, I only noticed this, because I screencap the episodes. But do any of you find it odd that Blair’s two non-Penelope minions always wear orange and yellow?
What’s up with that?
The non-Penelope minions agree to the task without question. However, Penelope has become a bit rusty in the art of Minionship, during her year off the show away from Queen B. She actually QUESTIONS BLAIR’S AUTHORITY!
While Penelope agrees that nothing can be more entertaining than a little “Bottle Blonde Recon,” she can’t, for the life of her, understand what Loser J could have possibly done to make her worth all this trouble . . .
“Yours is not to wonder why, yours is just to DO or DIE!” Blair SEETHES. (That RHYMES!)
Back at La Casa de Humphrey / van der Woodsen, Jenny is putting the finishing touches on the LAMEST FASHION COLLECTION EVER! Seriously? Stick figures? All black? All dresses? This . . . from the “most talented young fashion designer of the Upper East Side?”
“Your verk, is uneenspired, and borink. You have nooo talent. And your hair is a DISASTER! Jenny Humphrey, you are Out! Auf wiedersehen!”
And then . . . just when we thought we would be subjected to yet another lame scene, where Jenny and Dan talk about how oh-so-mean Blair is, a Special Guest arrives at the house . . .
Well hello, Special Guest!
Special Guest Chuck (who we all know was the whole reason Jenny and her hideous fashion sense even GOT an interview with Parsons) arrives supposedly to “apologize” for deflowering her, and ruining her hair (Oh. . . wait, she did that by herself.) . . . I mean ruining her LIFE (Yeah, that works.)
But Dorky Dan won’t let Chuck see Jenny.
“Now that Lame-o Vanessa is out of the picture, I have NO STORYLINE. In fact, I have pretty much nothing to do this week, except follow my sister around and be “brotherly.” You are SO not stealing another scene from me! So there!”
*sticks out tongue*
Chuck agrees to leave so quickly, we just know he’s up to something dastardly. And we figure out precisely what he’s up to, when we see him depart with a stack of papers. And even though the top pages say “Bass Industries,” we can be pretty sure that the ones conveniently hidden below them say, “Jenny’s Crappy Excuse for a Fashion Line.”
Our suspicions are confirmed, when Chuck calls Jenny at home, to let her know he purposefully accidentally stole took her “Crappy Excuse for a Fashion Line” Papers. Therefore, he will leave the at the front desk of his hotel, so that she can retrieve them.
“I’m Chuck Bass. I make weird faces, when talking on the telephone.”
Having no choice in the matter, Jenny dashes outside, ugly goth dresses under her arm, and hails a cab toward the Empire Hotel.
The Stalking Minions, of course, follow Jenny into Chuck’s Pants the Empire, and immediately report their findings back to Blair.
And she is PISSED! Blair hightales it to Tim Gunn’s studio. There, she plots a revenge that is SO awful, that it actually had me . . . gulp . . . FEELING BAD FOR LITTLE J!
I don’t even know who I AM, anymore!
Toward the end of Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn (which, admittedly, she ALREADY screwed up, by having LAME designs, and babbling on WAY TOO MUCH about her trashy personal life), she brings out the models wearing her designs. It is at that moment that Jenny learns that Blair has somehow labeled each of them, so that they spell out the word”Whore,” in giant red letters.
(Then again . . . it DID put some color on that bland palette of hers . . .)
Tim Gunn is APPALLED!
And so, he has no choice but to very politely ask Little J to leave . . .
Don’t Drop the Soap!
You know what’s REALLY awkward? When you are at prison, visiting your Psycho Sadistic Stalker Brother, who wants you to ruin the lives of your Boyfriend’s Friends — and you run into your Boyfriend, who is visiting his White-Collar Criminal / Drug Addict Dad. I really hate it when that happens . . .
So, the above situation happens to Nate and Juliet. Nate, for his part, is pretty cool with it — coming completely clean to Juliet about his Bad News Dad. He also tells Juliet that he doesn’t care at all that her brother is an obvious Derelict / Threat to Society.
But then Juliet LIES ABOUT IT (even though she already basically told Nate about her brother’s “problems,” which sort of didn’t make sense). Rather then telling the truth, Juliet makes up some lame excuse about being at the prison to teach some “literacy program” to inmates. And then, Poor Dumb Nate offers to COME WITH HER to the class!
Awww Nate! It’s a good thing you’re so pretty . . . Because you are going to make a GREAT Trophy Husband, some day . . .
Knowing she’s not about to teach some “Fake Literacy Class” at the prison, Juliet dashes off, nervously. Back at prison (They must have some PRETTY LENIENT policies, regarding Visiting Hours and Use of Cellphones there!), Juliet tells her Derelict Big Bro that she trusts Nate, and wants to come clean to him, about EVERYTHING.
Her brother says, “That’s cool . . . whatever.” (And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.)
Surprise, surprise! Just when Juliet is about to confront Nate about “EVERYTHING,” he gets a call that his father has been gang banged “jumped” at prison. Moments later, Big Bad Ben uses his Unlimited Prison Texting Plan to text Juliet with the unoriginal, “Did you get the message?”
(Maybe that “Prison Literacy Class” wouldn’t be such a bad idea, after all!)
Reverse Psychology for Dummies
Because it’s Monday, Serena is TOTALLY in love with Professor Cab Guy (just like she was TOTALLY in love with Nate . . . and Dan . . . and Tripp . . . and Carter . . . and Aaron Rose . . . and the entire male population of Paris . . .) But when her Mommy, Lily (she of the 18,000 marriages). . .
. . . sees her daughter reading Professor Cab Guy’s business book, she is shocked to learn that her daughter can actually read thrilled that Serena is finally taking an interest in academics. Serena, of course, doesn’t have the heart to tell her mother the truth — that her and her mom are EXACTLY alike — namely, Rich and Pretty but Dumb as Dog Poopy.
And so, the younger Miss van der Woodsen goes along with the ruse. At least until this happens . . .
Lily, of course, is upset that her daughter is back to her Majorly Slutty ways, and can clearly give two figs about getting an education. But . . . all hope is not lost! Because Lily has an IDEA!
You see, she’s been looking at the pictures in reading Professor Cab Guy’s book, specifically the chapter on “Reverse Psychology,” and, doggonit, she’s going to use that on Serena!
(Riiiiiiiight, because this 40-something woman, educated at Brown, head of Bass Industries, married to millions of people dollars, has NEVER heard of or used reverse psychology before . . .)
Anyway, Lily starts telling Serena all this mean stuff, which, quite honestly is TOTALLY TRUE! She tells Serena that Professor Cab Guy will make her rich, so she should go for it. Plus, she’s too pretty to have to worry about “hard” mundane things like “getting an education.” So, why bother? Besides, Trophy Wives are AWESOME!
Serena, of course, being the Mental Midget she is, totally falls for this, and escapes the party, during Professor Cab Guy’s SUPER cheesy, “I’d give up bachelorhood for the right woman,” speech.
Unable to resist, however, Serena visits Professor Cab Guy at his office to screw him talk. Together, they agree that she should take Psychology of Business or Whatever, with him as teacher. Then, when that’s all over and done with, she can finally become the Hot Trophy Wife he so desperately desires!
Love the Way You Lie . . .
When Chuck hears what happened at Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn (which he TOTALLY orchestrated, by the way), he offers to “help” Jenny, by arranging another run in with Tim at the “Boom Boom Room,” where Blair and Co. just so happen to be. Jenny agrees to attend.
However, when Jenny DOES get to speak to Tim Gunn, he let’s it slip that Chuck got her the interview . . .
Infuriated that she has managed to get herself in the middle of Chuck’s and Blair’s foreplay, ONCE AGAIN, Little J fights back, by calling BOTH of their bluffs.
Moments later, out shoots a new Gossip Girl blast detailing just WHO exactly popped Little J’s cherry. Chuck and Blair are, understandably, both humiliated. (After all, who the heck would want people to know you slept with / were cheated on with an Evil Raccoon Zombie?)
And, I have to say, it was nice to see Chuck and Blair together, on the same side, sharing the same emotion — even if it was Little J who caused it. But then, Dan pops Little J’s Black Cloud of Joy, by informing her that just a single day on the Upper East Side has made her EVIL again. (Not to mention, it further damaged her already miserable reputation.)
And so, Jenny decides the Upper East Side might not be the best place for her.
And yet, just when I’m ready to LITERALLY throw the book at Jenny, she has to go and say something to Chuck and Blair that (almost) changes my opinion about her in . . . gulp . . . positive way.
“You two used to be in love. Together, you were invincible. Now, it is just a matter of time before your mutual destruction,” remarks a Newly Sage Jenny.
Jenny’s surprisingly wise words, strike a chord with Chuck, who visits Blair at her house that very night.
“If we keep going like this, we are both going to end up dead,” Chuck begins. “What happened between us . . . it was no one’s fault . . . it was fate . . . it could have been different. We are holding on to the pain, because it’s all we have left. But . . . we don’t have to. Truce?”
Chuck extends his hand to Blair. Tentatively, she takes it. The moment their hands touch a current of lust and electricity, rushes through both their bodies. They hold hands for just a moment too long, staring intently at one another. Then, they abruptly pull away . . .
The door to Blair’s apartment closes, as Eminem and Rihanna’s “Love the Way You Lie,” plays in the background. A more perfect song for this scene could not have been chosen . . .
Before I move on to the final portion of this recap, I just have two words (one a contraction) that I’d like to share with my fellow Chair fans: We’re BAAACK! 🙂
In Other News . . .
Jenny left town! 8) (for now . . .)
A tearful Juliet broke up with Nate to “save him” from the wrath of Big Bad Ben. However, Nate wrongly assumed that Juliet dumped him, due to her embarrassment over dating a “Dude Who’s Dad’s in Prison.” So, Nate kind of told her off. (Not that she didn’t deserve to be told off, mind you — just . . . not for that reason.)
Oh, and THIS GUY?
He’s TOTALLY the “Big Brain” behind Juliet’s and Psycho Ben’s Stalker Games! (See, I knew nobody could REALLY like Serena for her “personality!”)
That’s all I’ve got, folks. As for next week? I have three words for you all: HOT . . . HATE . . . SEX! 😉