I’m not gonna lie! It’s hard to be a TV Recapper during the summer months, because . . . well . . . there isn’t all that much to recap. Now, if this had been, say five years ago, I would be forced to spend my non-recapping months doing things like: reading the classics, doing volunteer work, learning to play the cello, and becoming a productive member of society . . .
Fortunately, thanks to the advent of YouTube, I can simply continue to be the directionless miscreant I have always been (only tanner)!
Now, during the proper television viewing season, I generally enjoy watching and recapping shows like: Gossip Girl, the now-defunct Lost, Glee, The Vampire Diaries, and Mad Men. (I also have kind of a thing for vampires, and will often make desperate attempts to throw “fangy” references into all my posts, even those that have absolutely nothing to do with “undead.”)
It was a love for the above-referenced shows (and vampires) that sent me to YouTube in search of videos I could watch that would dull the pain of summer hiatus. Granted, the video clips I found weren’t quite as satisfying as seeing new episodes of my favorite television shows themselves. But, hey, at least they made me giggle.
So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you: YouTube Videos That Make Fun of Television Shows I Like To Watch!
Have you ever watched Glee, and thought to yourself, “Wow that Rachel chick sure is a nutjob!I’d hide my pet bunny, if she was ever in my house!”
If so, this film is for YOU!
2) Mad Men
Speaking of sick and twisted, remember that scene from Season 3 of Mad Men, where that annoying British guy randomly got his foot run over by a lawnmower right in the middle of the office? Ever wonder what that scene would sound like when replayed to the tune of Imogen Heap’s Hide and Seek, a.k.a. That Song TheyAlways Play on Teen Dramas Whenever Something Dramatic Happens? Wonder no more . . .
3) The Vampire Diaries
Somewhere, in an alternate universe, Stefan and Damon Salvatore are NOT vampire brothers fighting for the love of the same girl. Rather, they are ambiguously gay roommates, with an annoying habit of breaking into song at inopportune moments . . . (Thanks to Amy over at ImaginaryMen for sharing this FABULOUS video with me!)
[Click the internal link to watch. You’ll like it, I promise!]
4) Buffy the Vampire Slayer / The Twilight Series
Perhaps in that SAME alternate universe, where Stefan and Damon are living “homosexually ever after,” Edward Cullen is NOT the “cute and sparkly” vampire who won Bella Swan’s heart. Rather, he is a creepy stalker vampire with a dangerous hard-on for a certain slayer we all know and love . . .
One Man of Science. One Man of Faith. The Island wasn’t big enough for both of them . . . or was it?
In the last season of Lost, there was much talk and broohaha about this image, and all the ideas it represents . . .
Light versus Dark. Black versus White. Good versus Evil. Heaven versus Hell. And while that dichotomy was certainly central to the battle between Jacob and the Man in Black . . .
. . . our Losties, for the most part, resided somewhere in between. Much like the rest of us non-television characters, their morality was covered in shades of grey. For them (and for us), the REAL battle for control of Lost island was one that was a lot less clear cut, making it a lot less certain who we should root for. And, ultimately, it was this battle, that took center stage during the final half of the Season finale. (After they, you know, got rid of that pesky Black Smoke thing . . .)
Jack v. Locke – The Man of Science versus The Man of Faith
Although Lost undoubtedly featured many characters and their respective stories of redemption, at its core were the journeys of two men. When we first meet Jack Shepard, he is the quintessential Man of Science. He’s a surgeon, and about as left-brained as a person can get. There is not a creative or artistic bone in this man’s body. So, understandably, when it comes to matters of faith or destiny, he’s a complete Doubting Thomas. For him, if an explanation doesn’t appear in a medical reference book, it just plain doesn’t exist.
John Locke, on the other hand, is a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants, Man of Faith, guy. He’s Mister “Nobody tells me what I can and can’t do.” A guy who sees absolutely nothing wrong with signing up for a “walkabout,” despite being completely incapable of “walking about.” Upon crashing on the island, he suddenly regains use of his legs, and, thereafter, becomes convinced that the Island is his Destiny. He is absolutely certain that some higher power has brought him to the Island; and that he is, therefore, meant to remain and do great things there . . .
For the first Four Seasons of Lost, pretty much up until Locke’s “death,” we watched these two men battle it out with one another, arguing for the righteousness of their respective ideologies. Neither man would budge an inch with respect to his position. However, upon REAL Locke’s death, at the end of Season 4, things change for Jack Shepard. During the last two seasons of the show, Jack slowly evolved from a Man of Science into a Man of Faith.
First, after escaping the Island as part of the Oceanic Six, he returns to it, believing he is meant to rescue the others who remained thereon. In Season 6, when the Losties are once again ready to escape the island, this time on a boat, Jack jumps ship, convinced that the island “isn’t done with [him] yet. Then, in the penultimate episode of the show, Jack LITERALLY drinks Jacob’s Kool Aid, and agrees to remain on the island, throwing away his promising surgical career in order to “protect” what, for all intents and purposes, was a Giant Lightbulb . . .
Scientific Answers versus Mystical Answers – The SHOW About Science versus The SHOW About Faith
When it really came down to it, I think Lost‘s journey as a show, was similar to Jack’s journey, as a character. Lost started out as a Show About Science (Science Fiction, perhaps,but, science, nonetheless). In the show’s early seasons, many of the Island’s mysteries were explained through quasi-scientific means. Flight 815 was initially thought to have been brought down, as a result of the Island’s unique electromagnetic properties, which were inherent to the Island’s location, but were also exacerbated by a Hydrogen Bomb buried beneath its surface . . . These electromagnetic qualities also allowed the Island itself, and its inhabitants, to move freely through the time/space barrier and . . . basically . . . time travel.
Those all important numbers, which Hurley chose in order to win the lottery, and which Desmond was forced to repeatedly punch into a computer screen to prevent the Island’s destruction . . .
Were part of the Valenzetti Equation, derived by members of the Dharma Initiative, to determine the exact point in time at which all human life would cease to exist. The Dharma initiative itself was, more or less, a scientific research group, which took advanage of the island’s unique electromagnetic properties in order to experiment with various facets of human life, from a woman’s ability to give birth . . .
. . . to psychology, subliminal messaging, and mind control . . .
Then, Season 6 came around, and like Jack Shepard, Lost had to go and get all “Faith-y” on us. Island mysteries, like “why the plane crashed,” which had once been explained by science, were now explained as being part of the “Master Plan,” in a battle between the God-like Jacob . . .
. . . and the Devil-like Man in Black . . .
. . . for control of the Island, and, by extension, the souls of its inhabitants . . .
Supernatural, and biblical-type reasoning was now used to explain Island mysteries such as why MIB couldn’t escape the Island, why Richard Alpert wouldn’t age . . .
. . . why Jacob and MIB couldn’t kill one another, how Locke became Flocke . . .
. . . and who Adam and Eve were . . .
The Last Ten Minutes of the Finale Episode of Lost – Flash Sideways of Science (Time Travel) versus Flash Sideways of Faith (Purgatory)
So, I guess, it shouldn’t really have surprised me (but it DID!), that the final Lost mystery, the reason behind the Flash Sideways, ended up being a faith-based reason (preparation for the afterlife / purgatory) . . .
. . . as opposed to a science-based reason (an alternate universe created as a result of Juliet’s detonation of the hydrogen bomb at the end of Season 5).
And, I have to say, that the fact that this promo picture, released just before Season 6 began, didn’t give the religious implications of the finale away to me, makes me more than a bit mad at myself . . .
I guess, when it really comes down to it, how you felt about Lost’s final moments (MULTITUDE of unanswered questions notwithstanding), really comes down to which side of the Man of Science / Man of Faith debate YOU fall under. Me, personally? I’m a bit more of a “science” girl. So, I was a little disappointed that the Flash Sideways World did not, in fact, end up being the hydrogen bomb-created alternate universe I had initially envisioned.
Plus, Flash Sideways World just seemed so PERFECT! And because I’d truly grown to love these characters, having spent six years with them, I really wanted this world to exist FOR THEM! Because, without it . . .
Ji Yeon would REALLY be an orphan . . .
David Shepard would COMPLETELY cease to exist . . . Oh, and most of the Losties would already be DEAD!
. . . including THIS GUY!
But, putting my personal feelings aside, the fact that the Flash Sideways World ended up being purgatory makes sense, BECAUSE everything was so perfect there. In essence, Flash Sideways World gave our main Losties the oppportunity to redeem themselves from wrongs they felt they had committed during their actual lifetimes . . .
Jack Shepard had a bad relationship with his father, who degraded his worth constantly, and always chose his work over him, so in Flash Sideways World Purgatory he was a supportive and understanding father to his son . . .
During his lifetime, Sawyer was a con artist, who shunned justice. So, in purgatory, he was a detective, who fought hard to protect it.
Sorry! I know technically I should have found a “cop uniform” pic of Sawyer, but I just couldn’t help myself . . .
On the island, Kate unknowingly abandoned Claire, and ended up raising her child, Aaron. But in Purgatory, she guides Claire through the birthing process, and allows her to raise her own baby . . . And, as for Claire, she gets to keep her kid, and not become a skanky haired wackadoo. YAY!
In the real world, Sayid’s murderous lifestyle resulted in the death of the love of his life, Nadia.
In Purgatory, he lets his brother marry Nadia instead, and, in doing so, probably spares her life.
In the real world, Desmond loved Penny Widmore, but her father’s disapproval of him kept the two of them apart. In Purgatory, Desmond works for Charles Widmore, and has gained his utmost trust and respect . . .
In Purgatory, Hurley isn’t a loveable loser who won the lottery and STILL can’t accomplish anything. He’s a loveable WINNER, who get’s the girl and is rich enough to employ the ENTIRE CAST OF LOST!
Purgatory Ben is a kindly history teacher who saves Alex’s future, by sacrificing his own personal success to ensure her entrance into an Ivy League college, instead of . . . you know . . . GETTING HER KILLED! And Purgatory Locke is a pretty nice guy too, and Ben’s BFF to boot!
And, as I mentioned before, Jin and Sun, actually get to raise their kid Purgatory World. Plus, they successfully ditch Sun’s Asshat Dad.
Matthew Fox probably explained the whole “purgatory thing” best, in his post-finale interview with Jimmy Kimmel, when he said something to the effect of: “There’s a school of thought that, after you die, you go to a sort of ‘waiting place’ in which you encounter everyone who was important in your life. Once you have reunited with, and reconciled with, these people, you can truly accept your own mortality and . . . move on.” (And you just KNOW Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse fed him those words, because Matthew Fox may be smart, but not THAT smart!)
I’ll have to admit that when Christian Shepard (and if THAT’S not a “Man of Faith” name, I don’t know what is) . . .
. . . . appeared in that Non-Denominational (or, rather, ALL Denominational) Church / Temple, OUTSIDE of his own coffin, and replied to Jack’s question of “How did you get here? Aren’t you dead?” with . . .
“How did YOU get here?” . . .
I screamed at the television . . .
“YOU PROMISED THEY WEREN’T DEAD THIS WHOLE TIME, J.J. ABRAMS! YOU LIAR! I JUST WASTED SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR YOU!”
But then, when Christian explained that, “Everything that happened on the Island was real . . . Everyone dies eventually . . . Some of these people died before you, some long after you . . .” I calmed down a bit . . .
And in the penultimate scene of the show, when Jack stumbles out from the cave, lays down on the ground next to doggie Vincent, watches his fellow Losties successfully escape the Island on a plane, and, subsequently, CLOSES his eyes in death, just as he had opened them so many times during the LIFE of the show, I thought to myself, “What an appropriate ending . . .”
But then they HAD to show me this . . .
While the producers didn’t go as far as I feared they would, by showing me a heap of dead bodies lying amongst the wreckage, they showed me enough to make me wonder if I was being f**ked with. And I couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER intriguing, but unnerving, Open-Ended Series Finale that left me with more questions than answers . . .
(Special thanks to njean666 for this fabulous clip)
After six years, and a fun and enjoyable, if not exactly “informative” two hours, one of the most innovative, intelligent, and well-acted shows in television history, Lost, has come to its final conclusion. And aside from an open-ended, and fairly controversial ending, and a few (OK . . a LOT . . . of unanswered questions), I think the producers did a great job of giving fans what they wanted, at least on an emotional level. After all, for what could sometimes be a fairly dour show (I mean, it did revolve around a plane crash, and I’d say at least a third of the episodes featured SOMEONE dying), this may have been the happy-go-luckiest season finale of all time . . .
See? Look how HAPPY he is!
While, I would have to be absolutely effing nuts to attempt to do a comprehensive recap of this ENTIRE finale (I do work, you know . . .), I thought it might be fun, (for me at least, if not necessarily for you) to discuss some of my favorite moments from the episode, before I attempt to tackle . . . THE ENDING, which I plan to do in a separate post. I’m going to try to break these down by character, so that there’s at least some organizing principle to this stream of consciousness mish mash of a so-called recap . . .
So what if they never explained his island significance, his seeming omniscience, or how he managed to survive all this time (Are we actually supposed to believe he was with Rose and Bernard during ALL those missing years?). So what if he never got reunited with his real owner (Walt). He’s a cute dog. And EVERYONE likes cute dogs! So the fact that our little Vincent got some screen time during this finale, including being featured in the third to last frame of the ENTIRE show, was both adorable and awesome.
Ian Somerhalder looked positively yummy during his half-a-second of screen time in this finale. I thought it was funny / sweet that he was willing to get his ass kicked for the sake of LOVE . . . even if it wasn’t HIS own love, but rather the love between his sister and Sayid. I was also happy that he made it into the “temple / church” at the end. Because some other Losties who appeared in more episodes than he did (cough, Michael, cough), apparently didn’t rate. My one gripe is that we didn’t get to see his “realization of island life” moment, as we did with the other castaways. Clearly, I’m a bit biased for Damon Salvatore Boone.
I’m starting to believe this guy’s sole purpose on this show was to fulfill the “Cooky Pilot” role. Did you notice how Lapidus was MIA during most of the series, but was always conveniently on hand whenever any of the castaways needed to hop on a plane? However, I was really happy he didn’t, you know, DIE in that submarine accident, along with Sayid, Jin and Sun, as I had initially thought he did. If I were him, however, I would have been a tad annoyed that none of the other castaways seemed to give a damn about my mortality, until they needed a ride. . . .
Ditto on the whole, “YAY! You’re not dead!” thing . . . Other than staying alive, Mr. Guyliner didn’t have much to do during this episode, except for . . . AGE! That’s right folks, once our Big Baddie was dead, apparently, Richard Alpert wasn’t immortal anymore. He even got a GREY HAIR!
For a few minutes there, I was worried that the centuries old Alpert would begin to decay and instantly disintegrate, vampire style. He didn’t. Alpert gets to get old and wrinkly, slowly and painfully, just like the rest of us. Lucky him!
Rose and Bernard
It was nice to see these two still alive and playing house (with their pet Vincent) on Lost island. And, can I just say, that Dharma food must be REAL good . . . because Bernard was looking more than a bit on the tubby side . . . (Oh, and I’m pretty sure he and Crazy Claire share the same island stylist.)
A few weeks back, I proposed a drinking game that revolved (among other things) around Hurley’s repeated use of the word “dude.” Apparently, someone on the writing staff was listening, because Hurley LITERALLY said “DUDE” at the beginning or end of EVERY SENTENCE he uttered during this ENTIRE finale . . . It actually got a bit annoying, toward the end.
I was also amused by the “ceremony” in which Hurley took over the Candidate position from Jack of “Guarder of the Giant Island Light Bulb.” Hurley looked as disappointed as Lost fans probably were, when Jack scooped up muddy water from a random puddle, put it in a used Poland Spring bottle, and told him to drink it.
That’s it? THAT’S what makes you The Candidate? Drinking dirty water? Haven’t ALL the Losties been drinking island water for six years now? Who knew that Jack’s utterance of the classic phrase “Now your like me,” REALLY meant, “Now you’re suffering from an intestinal parasite, and a BAD case of Montezuma’s revenge . . .”
Jin and Sun
Tonight’s series finale was just FILLED with virtually identical sappy scenes in which two characters, who were “coupled” on the island, touched one another, and instantly “remembered” their island past. This was inevitably illustrated by a “love montage” between the two characters, to the tune of overly dramatic music.
Now, I’m a girl. So, although I recognized their almost nauseating cheesiness, these scenes actually worked for me. But if I had to choose my favorite of them, it would be the one between Jin and Sun, which was poignant on so many more levels than just the “We luuuuve eachother” one.
In this scene, Juliet, (I’ll get to her in a bit), is showing Jin and Sun their baby’s sonogram. When Juliet puts the gel on Sun’s belly, she remembers the same thing occuring in island world, and tears of happy recognition run down her cheeks. A few seconds later, when the sonogram picture appears on the screen, Jin remembers seeing pictures of Ji Yeon when he was on the island. Then the two look at eachother and collectively remember their Titanic ripoff on-island death scene, which resulted in their child being an orphan in island world, and also REALLY PISSED ME OFF.
But this is Flash-Sideways World, so all is good! Juliet asks the teary couple if they want to know the sex of the baby. They answer in English, which, of course, they both just remembered how to speak, that they know it is a girl, and that her name is Ji Yeon. Awesome!
Before, I tell you what I LIKED about Ben in the series finale, let me start with a little gripe. The producers of the show teased that Ben was supposed to get some loving, before the series ended. In Flash Sideways World, it was sort-of hinted that he would eventually find love with Rousseau . . .
. . . but, ultimately, the producers didn’t deliver in this respect. And I was sad . . .
In happier news, our resident flip-flopper, who seemingly has more personalties than United States of Tara, ultimately redeemed himself AGAIN during this episode. Instead of covering his own ass and taking the easy way out, Island Ben agreed to stay with Hurley as Vice Candidate Protector of the Giant Light Bulb. We know he did a pretty good job of it too, as Hurley ultimately tells him in Flash Sideways World, “You were a great Number 2.”
Speaking of Flash Sideways World, there, after Ben remembered his island roots, he apologized to John for basically making his life a living hell for many seasons of Lost. “I was jealous of you. I wanted what you had. You were special, and I wasn’t,” he explained.
Ultimately, Ben didn’t enter the “Temple/Church” with the rest of the crew. And I don’t recall seeing Alex or Rousseau there either . . . but here’s hoping they all eventually found their way there . . .
Why oh WHY, were you completely dressed during this ENTIRE FINALE, Josh Holloway?
Excess clothing aside, it was fun to spend this final two hours with the World’s Sexiest Lostie. And while, as a Skate fan, I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed that my side of the love square ultimately didn’t win out (Sawyer ended up with Juliet / Jack ended up with Kate), I have to say I ADORED this small scene between MY COUPLE!
Sawyer: “I’d invite you along, but then I would miss out on all the fun of telling you that you can’t come.
Kate: “Guess, I’ll have to overcome the urge to follow you anyway.”
Carlton and Damon, remind me why you didn’t put these two togther, again? Oh, well . . . at least we’ll always have Bear Cage Sex . . .
So, it looks like Sane Claire is here to stay, and Kate’s willing to stick around and help care for Aaron, just in case she falls off the “Non-Loony Tunes” Wagon. (Although I was a bit annoyed that they never explained “the sickness” Claire had, or how SHE was able to give birth on the island when no one else could, or what made Aaron “special.”) I had to laugh a bit when the Losties invited her off the island and she initially replied, “Look at me! The island’s made me crazy! I can’t take care of a kid anymore!”
And if this wasn’t “The Happiest Series Finale EVER” I’d be inclined to agree with her statements. After all, Crazy isn’t like a cold. It doesn’t just go away after 9 days. But, fortunately for Claire, Kate . . .
. . . agreed to help Claire be a mother to Aaron (and reteach Claire how to use a hairbrush). Holding hands like school girls, the two hopped aboard Lapidus’ plane and left the island (and Crazy?) behind them for good.
In Flash Sideways World, Kate helps Claire give birth at a Driveshaft concert, and it is the CLEANEST, LEAST BLOODY and EASIEST delivery EVER! Just minutes after giving birth, when Claire’s va-jay-jay is all exposed, she reunites with and remembers her love for a totally gothed out, Rocker Charlie . . .
OK, obviously this picture does NOT show Rocker Charlie . . . But rest assured, the Charlie on screen today could have used some mascara application lessons from Richard Alpert . . . Less is more, dude! Less is MORE!
Sayid and Shannon
The makeout scene between these two was hot . . . just saying. It was kind of creepy that Shannon’s brother was ogling her the whole time though (especially since we know that Bro and Sis once DID IT!)
OK . . . so in island world, Locke imposter, MIB, FINALLY DIED!
How, you ask? Well, the temporary turning off of the Giant Light Bulb made him mortal again, which gave Kate the excellent opportunity to finally successfully shoot him, after failing to do so about 80 times this season (“I saved you a bullet, A-hole!”) He also fell off a cliff . . .
But in Flash Sideways World, Locke was warm and fuzzy. He came through his operation with flying colors, waking up and wiggling his toes immediately. He also made lovey dovey eyes at former nemeses Jack and Ben. And those of you who also watch Glee, like me, probably got particular joy out of the scene where he gets up from his wheelchair and instantly begins to walk upright. (Artie would have been sooooo jealous!)
Obviously, the crux of this episode revolves around Jack’s journey. And a discussion of Jack’s journey would inevitably lead to a discussion of “The Ending,” which, as I mentioned earlier, I am saving for another post. For now, suffice it to say, that I was happy about the following strands of Jack-centric plotlines:
*In Flash Sideways World, David Shepard (Assuming this kid actually exists, seeing as . . . well, more on that later), is the son of both Jack and Juliet. These two seemed to have had the most amicable divorce EVER, especially seeing as they are both doctors in the SAME hospital (awkward). Still, nice touch writers . . .
*It was cool to see Jack FINALLY reunited with his dad, Christian Shepard, who was actually nice to him for a change . . . Even though . . . well . . . nevermind . . .
* I loved the scene where Hurley told Jack he was “right,” and Jack said, “There’s a first time for everything.”
(Yes Jack, for six seasons you were ALWAYS WRONG about EVERYTHING! It was high time you finally bucked up and admitted it.)
* I was glad that Jack got to spend his final moments with Vincent. Because if any guy needs Man’s Best Friend it’s Dour Jack . . .
Well, that’s ALMOST all folks . . .Tune in sometime tomorrow, when I attempt to broach the controversial last ten minutes of this episode, and some of the series’ most infuriating UNANSWERED questions . . .
Up until this point, Lost has had more loose (and dead) ends than Bat-Sh&t Crazy Claire’s hair . . .
Someone get this girl a flat iron!
But that all changed (sort of), during this week’s nobody-centric Lost installment. Because someone in the writing department FINALLY decided to tie together all those darn flash-sideways scenarios that have been plaguing us for weeks on end! Here’s how they did it . . .
If you recall, at the end of last week’s episode,heretofore mild-mannered Desmond the Time Traveling Know-It-All . . .
(Maybe HE will be able to explain this to us when it’s all over . . .)
. . . shocked EVERYONE by running down Wheelchair Locke . . .
. . . with his car in Flash-Sideways world. Now, most of us would agree, that purposefully mowing over paraplegic substitute teachers with your motor vehicle is not a very nice thing to do. But as it turns out, there was a method to Desmond’s madness. Our pal Dessie simply wanted Locke to make some new friends . . . which makes the hit-and-run TOTALLY OK! (Seriously, Desmond? You couldn’t have just sent the poor dude a Facebook invite?)
Anyway, massive overreaction aside, Sideways Locke is carted away in the ambulance, with his new pal, Professor Ben riding along side him. (I thought only FAMILY was allowed to do that. But what do I know?)
And I have to say, I am totally in LOVE with this slightly effete, curmudgeony, skittish, BIG NERD version of Ben. The only time I could ever imagine Island Ben . . .
. . . riding with a virtual stranger in an ambulance, is if he wanted to steal that stranger’s heart . . .
No . . . I mean LITERALLY rip out his or her heart and STEAL IT . . .
Anyway, as Locke is being wheeled into the hospital, he is met by another patient on the adjoining gurney, namely Pregnant Sun, who is accompanied into the hospital her doting Boyfriend / Baby Daddy Jin . . .
When a half-conscious Sun sees a completely unconscious Locke lying next to her, she COMPLETELY FLIPS OUT! WHY? Is it because a part of her remembers his evil, voice-snatching island alter ego, MIB, from another dimension? Or is she simply shocked to learn that Mr. Clean is, in fact, a real person . . .
Later, we learn that Sun pulled through the operation, and gave birth to a healthy baby girl, who may or may not be named Ji-Yeon in this timeline.
Meanwhile, Buddy Cop Bromantics, Sawyer and Miles . . .
. . . are hanging at the police station, having just arrested Running Kate.
As Sawyer interrogates Kate, the sexual tension between them sends sparks pff the screen and into your living room. You can tell Sawyer totally just wants to handcuff Kate to the wall and make a “bad cop porno” with her. After all, it’s not as though these two haven’t done THAT before . . .
Honestly, I kept waiting for the “bow chick a wow, wow” music to start playing in the background, and for Sawyer to take off his shirt . . .
But alas, all clothes remained disappointingly ON. The scene wasn’t a TOTAL loss though. Kate hinted that the reason Sawyer passively helped her to escape the FBI agent on her tail back at LAX, was that he didn’t want to call any attention to the fact that he had taken a secret impromptu trip to Australia. Sawyer doesn’t deny this. In fact, he tells the possibly murderous Kate, “I like YOU.” (Well DUH!)
Cockblock Miles totally ruins the moment, however, by telling Sawyer that they have to go an arrest Bad Ass Sayid for shooting Keamy and all those other goons, who were responsible for putting Sun in the hospital.
Sayid tries to make a run for it, but Sawyer, who is cleary the BEST COP IN THE WORLD, catches and cuffs him, just like he did earlier to Kate. The only difference here, is that Sawyer and Sayid never had Bear Cage Sex in another dimension . . .
Meanwhile, Sane ALSO Pregnant Claire . . .
. . . is heading to the adoption agency to make plans to give up her baby, when she is encountered by an increasingly creepy Desmond, who, seems to have been following her since he ran into her at the airport earlier. Desmond invites Claire to accompany him while he goes to visit his lawyer. Claire, though clearly SANER in this timeline, is just as STUPID as ever, and agrees to Creepy Dessie’s request. And who’s Dessie’s lawyer, you ask? Well, Undead (but still boring) Ilana, of course!
Turns out Ilana was LOOKING for Claire. You see, she was having a meeting with Dr. Jack and his previously nonexistent son . . .
. . . to read Christian Shepard’s will, which happens to mention Claire in it, because, like Dr. Jack, Pregnant Claire was also Christian’s child.
Unfortunately, this dysfunctional family reunion can’t last too long, because Dr. McDreamy Jack gets called away on an impromptu brain surgery (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?). He takes his son along for the ride, and asks him if he minds “hanging out” for a while. (YEAH! Because brain surgeries take NO TIME AT ALL!) Of course, in case you haven’t guessed by now, Jack’s patient is none other than Locke, who Jack suddenly seems to recognize, as he observes him on the operating table.
But where the heck was HURLEY?
MEANWHILE ON THE ISLAND . . .
(1) Sawyer, Kate, Lapidus, HURLEY (There he is!), Sun, Jack, and Crazy Claire (who only got to come because Idiot Kate — who Claire recently tried to KILL — insisted that Looney Tunes be included, because she’s clearly “such a nice girl.”) . . .
“It will be like a SLEEPOVER! We can put on mud masks (I am already wearing mine), and braid eachother’s greasy, unwashed hair!”)
. . . anyway . . . the group ditched MIB, and hopped aboard an abandoned yacht in search of a quick and painless island escape. Wishy Washy Jack, however, ultimately opted to jump ship and return to the island, because . . . who the heck knows what his crazy rationale was for doing that! Something about the island “not being done with him yet.” WHATEVER! Jack obviously attends the same Island Academy of Stupid, as Kate and Claire.
“I CAN’T Leave NOW! It took me WEEKS to establish this even of a base tan!”
(2) Even though MIB left Desmond alive in the well, Zombie Sayid, may or may not have KILLED him at MIB’s request. I’m guessing NOT . . . because I think there is hope for Sayid’s humanity, yet. As the always optimistic Hurley said, “People DO come back from the darkside. Look at Anakin!”)
“OK, Hurley. I love you. But maybe that was a bad example. You DO know those were PREQUELS, right?”
(3) Jin and Sun FINALLY reunited!
And Sun remembered how to speak English! And at first it was SWEET, and then it got kind of nauseating . . . And then, Sawyer gave Kate this longing, unrequited love-type look, and I melted into an ooey gooey puddle all over again.
(4) Oh! And Widmore’s Team Subbie . . .
. . . led by Zoey (Why the heck is this mediocre actress getting SO MUCH play on this awesome show, when she is SO NOT TINA FEY?) . . .
. . . busied itself by generally being crappy to EVERYBODY. First, it broke its promise to Sawyer’s crew, by holding it at gunpoint. Then it BLEW UP MIB’s crew! These guys are SO EVIL they make Crazy Claire look like Alice in Wonderland . . .
This is a photo of Claire, after a LONG overdue visit with her personal stylist . . .
(5) MIB (possibly) secured Jack as his titular “Last Recruit.” He did this by, first, informing him that the image of Jack’s dad — who Jack kept seeing on the island — was none other than Smokey himself;
and, then by rescuing him from being blown to bits by the Team Subbie bomb. MIB LITERALLY carries Jack on his back to get him out of harm’s way. “You’re with ME now,” explains MIB, as he leans (lovingly?) over a dazed Jack in the episode’s chilling final moments. (Long term romantic relationships have begun over much LESS . . .)
“Yes, I’ll marry. you. But, just so you know, I DON’T DO WINDOWS!”
That’s all she wrote folks. Tune in next week, when we will HOPEFULLY find out what happened to Sideways Hurley and Libby (if anything), as well as Island Desmond. I’m secretly hoping they will also finally OFF that annoying Zoey character, next week, and replace her with something more exciting to watch, like, for example, paint drying on a wall . . .
“WILL ALL YOU CRAZY DEAD PEOPLE SHUT THE F UP?” Charlie and I are trying to make a Burp Remix of ‘You All Everybody,’ and I can’t hear myself think! Now I know how Dr. Dolittle feels . . .”
If Desmond-centric episodes represent the “Thinking Man’s Lost,” Hurley-centric episodes are the “Funny Man’s Lost.” They generally never cover a lot of ground, storyline-wise, but rest assured, there will be a lot of laughs along the way. Except . . . you may just find yourself feeling a bit guilty about what you are laughing at . . . (fat jokes, food jokes, jokes about people exploding into smithereens . . .)
Does it make me a bad person that I giggled a bit when Ilana got blown up by a randomly-placed stick of dynamite, just as she was self-righteously lecturing the Losties about following Dead Jacob’s orders? The girl may have been Jacob’s “Candidate Protector.” However, when it really came down to it, she ended up being nothing more than a glorified redshirt on this show.
Did you notice how NONE of the Losties seemed remotely upset by her demise? Talk about INSENSITIVE! I mean, I can laugh, because I don’t really know the girl. She’s just a random TV character to me, and a BORING one at that. (BTW, I’m sure the actress –who is alive and well, by the way — is a lovely person . . .) But . . . THESE GUYS? Not even kindly HURLEY shed a tear for this one. Maybe these uber self-absorbed folks are in HELL after all?
2) Rich Hurley, Poor Hurley – Same Difference
I loved that the writers didn’t go the typical route, and make Hurley a douche in flash-sideways world, just because he was lucky and financially successful there. In fact, Rich Hurley was EXACTLY THE SAME as Poor Hurley, and BOTH are awesome! I also loved how, despite all of Hurley’s great philanthropy and the accolades he received at that museum dedication ceremony made by DR. MARVIN CANDLE . . .
Good one Lost!
Hurley’s mom still only cared about the fact that he didn’t have a girlfriend. So typical! Despite his immense success, Hurley was still just as insecure and nervous around girls, as always . . . ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE!
Speaking of girls . . .
3) Hurley and Libby Sitting on a BEACH, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
These two were FABULOUS together, during this episode! I loved how Libby was on a field trip away from the mental hospital, when she confronted Hurley about “knowing him in another life.” And yet, even though he didn’t remember her (at least, initially), he STILL wanted to go on a date with the loony lady! I also loved that these two literally crazy kids FINALLY got to have their “Beach Date,” complete with an assortment of cheese (“Because everyone likes cheese,” says Hurley), and a surprisingly sexy kiss. Said kiss was SO INTENSE, it brought back all of Hurley’s Lostie memories. Kudos to Desmond, for making good on the promise he made during last week’s episode, to bring about the Losties’ awareness of Island World, by promoting generalized lovey-doveyness.
Speaking of Desmond . . .
4) Desmond go down the HOLE, Locke go under the CAR . . .
How PISSED did MIB look, when Desmond told him that he wasn’t afraid of him? You just knew right then that Smokey was up to no good! And of course, there was that WELL Smokey was showing Desmond. If we’ve learned anything from our Lost writers, it’s that they will NEVER pass up the opportunity for a good Alice in Wonderland reference. Down the rabbit hole, anyone?
(Speaking of scary children’s tales remade by Tim Burton, did you catch the Willy Wonka tunnel speech, in next week’s previews?)
So, it wasn’t particularly surprising that MIB threw Desmond down the well in Island World. What WAS surprising, however, was that Flash-Sideways Desmond appeared to REMEMBER it! So much so, that he didn’t have any qualms at all about running a wheelchair -bound Locke over with his car! (Odd that the seemingly omniscient Desmond never caught on – – as everyone else on the island seemed to, instantly upon meeting him — that Nu-Locke and Old Locke weren’t the same person . . .)
“Peggy Bundy is going to be PISSED!”
By the way, did you catch how flash-sideways Ben TOTALLY thought Desmond was a major pedophile, because he found him parked in the high school parking lot, leering inappropriately?
5) Hurley takes charge!
It is HIGH TIME these Losties took Hurley, seriously! I loved how Jack and the rest of Team Jacob (well . . . except for Miles, Ben and Richard Alpert) were willing to follow Hurley on his mission to talk to MIB, and prevent the other Losties from using the plane to leave the island. Jack didn’t even seem to mind that much that Hurley had lied about “seeing Jacob” to get the others to go along with his plan. Old Jack would have totally kicked his ass . . . It looks like our Man of Science has become a Man of Faith, after all!
“You’ve come a long way, BABY!”
6) From a Whisper to a Scream . . .
“There’s no place like the island, there’s no place like the island, there’s no . . . CRAP! I’m still here!”
So, first we thought the “whispers” in the jungle were the Others. Then, we thought it was the Smoke Monster, NOW we FINALLY know its the collective voices of dead people with “unfinished business.” Sound familiar?
No wonder they won’t leave Hurley alone! As far as Big Answers go, this one’s a bit cliche. However, it DOES dovetail nicely with the rest of the Lost mythology, at least in terms of consistency. After all, when you think about it, the WHISPERS were always heard right before a character was either about to DIE or be faced with his or her own mortality . . . All, in all, I give the “answer” a “B”
What I didn’t like:
1) That was it?!!!!
ONE ANSWER? There isn’t much time left, Lost writers! You MIGHT want to be more forthcoming with the info, in the near future!
2) Glee Robber!
OK, OK! I guess it isn’t really Lost’s faultthat the first half-hour of the season premiere of Glee coincided with this episode. But the untenable TV conflict still made me mad enough to throw a slurpee at some ABC execs . . .
Tonight’s episode of Lost marks yet another chapter in the tale of our favorite Scottish time (and dimension?) – traveler, Desmond Hume. This is our seventh Desmond-centric Lost episode. (For those nitpickers out there, I am counting the two hours of “Live Together, Die Alone” as separate episodes . . . basically, because I like the number seven, DAMMIT!) To me, Desmond’s episodes have sort of a different feel than the episodes we typically see on Lost. While all Lost episodes deal with themes of love, destiny, good versus evil, and science versus faith, Desmond-y episodes seem to express those themes in a more heady, philosophical way.
Desmond episodes = Advanced Placement Lost (for “gifted” TV watchers)
Tonight’s episode was no exception. During “Happily Ever After,” we definitely learned a thing or two about our hero, as well as the overall mythology of Lost. Here are just some of the questions that were answered during this hour:
Why is Desmond “The Package?”
Desmond is The Package because he looks like this . . .
. . . oh, and I almost forgot . . . HE HAS SUPERPOWERS!
Superpowers? Cool! Can he leap tall buildings in a single bound, like Superman?
Ummmm . . . no. But he CAN be shocked with thousands of volts of electromagnetic energy without, you know, dying. He can also toggle back and forth through time and alternate dimensions, without having to take a dip in a Hot Tub, or jump in a DeLorean with a young Michael J. Fox.
So what does that have to do with Charles Widmore? Why does HE need Desmond back on the Island?
Two words: Course Correction. If you recall (Of course, you recall. Your a Lost fan. You remember EVERYTHING. And have the screencaps to prove it), back at the end of last season, Juliet detonated a bomb on the island back in 1974, in hopes of preventing Oceanic Flight 815 from ever crashing on the island. Instead, her actions set off a major chain of events (i.e. that whole flash-sideways business) that left a lot of Losties extremely UNLIKELY to get laid in the foreseeable future.
For starters, in Flash-Sideways World, Desmond’s not with his “soul mate” Penny, which means she can’t bear his child.
Charlie never met Claire . . .
No, I’m NOT taking about the bat-shit crazy version! (NO ONE wants to meet HER!) I’m referring to the sweet, innocent, hygenic version from the first three seasons . . .
(Sidenote: Was it me, or has Charlie’s hairline receded IMMENSELY since we last saw him on this show? Perhaps hair loss is another side effect of living in Flash-sideways World, because Jack Shephard seems to be having the same “follicular” issues, of late.)
“I’m not LOSING my hair! I’m just GROWING out my forehead . . .”
Speaking of Jack, in Flash-Sideways World, he and Sawyer never made out with / screwed (in a bear cage) Kate
Oh, the humanity!
Sayid’s not with Nadia. Jin’s not married to Sun, so her and their child may DIE. Daniel never met Charlotte. Hurley never met Miles.
Catch what I did there? Pretty clever, huh . . .
As for Widmore, a permanent existence in Flash-Sideways World will undoubtedly result in the loss of his daughter Penny, his grandchild, and his son. Oh, and did I mention that he will be stuck married to this scary biatch?
As if all that wasn’t bad enough, you and I would be stuck watching Friends reruns on Tuesday nights at 9 . . . It’s a dystopian society, indeed! And so, understandably, Widmore has hired Time-Traveling Desmond to merge the two timelines created by the bomb’s blast back into a single timeline, where they belong.
How the heck is Desmond going to do that?
One word: The Constant. (well, that’s actually two words. Sorry?) Remember when Desmond was doing all those weird mind-warp time traveling things back during Season 4? (During the episode conveniently entitled “The Constant.” ) Do you also remember how Daniel Faraday, who was experimenting with time travel at the time, had written in his journal – “Desmond Hume will be my constant?”
(Presumably the aforementioned statement meant that whatever year it happened to be, Desmond would provide Daniel with the personal connection he needed to gain a necessary foothold in his current timeline)
“Oh, hey look! Desmond is wearing a neon jumpsuit. I MUST be in the 80s . . .”
Well, it seems that Widmore would like to hire out Desmond to be The Constant for everyone on Oceanic Flight 815 . . . well, at least everyone that mattered. Presumably, Desmond will do this by making all of the passengers AWARE of the original timeline, the memory of which, as we learned today, lies buried in all of their subconscious minds.
How exactly is Desmond going to convince the other Losties about the original timeline? Because if some stranger walked up to me and told me (with a Scottish accent, no less) that I was stuck in the wrong dimension, I would run in the other direction FAST!
I have one more word for you: LOVE
Charlie (perhaps unwittingly) awakened Desmond to the existence of the original timeline, when the car the pair was driving, swerved off road and went underwater. When Desmond tried to free Charlie from the drowning car, Charlie’s hand pressed against its window, revealing this message:
Of course, this was the same message, Charlie showed Desmond before dying during the Season 3 Lost finale episode “Through the Looking Glass.” The message was intended to inform Desmond that the “rescue” boat that had been sent for them, was not sent to the island by Desmond’s lover, Penny. Rather, it was a trap. Seeing this message again, triggers Desmond’s alt-timeline memories of his love for Penny. These memories come at him full force, later on in the episode, while he is receiving electromagnetic pulses to his brain during an MRI. Likewise, both Charlie and Daniel Faraday began to recall THEIR alternate existences, upon seeing their respective Lostie lovers Claire and Charlotte in person.
Presumably, armed with the Oceanic Flight 815 manifest provided to him by former fellow alt-world time traveler, George Minkowski (a chauffer and lackey for Charles Widmore in Flash-Sideways World) . . .
time traveling + NO superpowers = insanity, lots of nosebleeds, and a painful death . ..
Desmond will find all the Losties in Flash-Sideways World and attempt to trigger their memories of Real World, by tantalizing them with suggestions of lovers from another dimension . . . which, leads me to my last question:
Who’s YOUR Constant? 😉
Next week on Lost, we get to watch loveable Lostie Hurley talk to more dead people, make more dry (but hilarious) comments about the current state of the show, and (probably) eat some tasty treats along with way. Awesome!
Congratulations Yunjin Kim! Not only did you, apparently, get hitched a couple of days ago, you also got this week’s entire episode of Lost to yourself (well . . . HALF of the entire episode). You are officially having the BEST WEEK EVER! Yay you!
Back by popular demand (or, rather, back as a result of my own recapping laziness), below please find some of the questions that were answered during this installment of Lost.
1) This episode was called “The Package.” That’s kind of a generic name for an episode, don’t you think? I mean, last week’s episode title was in Latin. And the week before, the episode was about HOT SAWYER. So who even cared what the title was? What WAS “The Package” supposed to be, anyway?
This . . . was the package . . .
I’m serious! The package was a PERSON! It was Desmond Hume! What? You thought I was making a joke, just so I could list “Shirtless Desmond” in my tags, and get more hits on my blog? No way, Jose. (Not that I WOULDN’T do that . . . I just didn’t do it this time.)
2) So, that guy Charles Widmore, that girl Zoey (who everyone says looks like Tina Fey) and the rest of the people who arrived at Hydra Island on the submarine, what is THEIR DEAL? Why are they here?
If Charles Widmore was telling the truth when he spoke to Jin tonight (which I am not entirely convinced of yet), the crack team that I lovingly refer to as “Team Subbie” is here to prevent MIB / Smokey from leaving the island. According to Widmore, if MIB gets free, Jin’s daughter, Ji Yeon (who Jin hasn’t yet had the chance to meet), Widmore’s daughter, Penelope, and Sun will somehow cease to exist. If true, this would mean that, in terms of goals, Team Subbie is actually aligned with . . .
What the heck Desmond Hume has to do with all this, I still have no idea . . .
3) So, is Kate one of Jacob’s “candidates,” or isn’t she? MIB certainly seems to think she’s important . . .
Kate used to be one of the candidates. But, for some reason, is no longer on the list. However, MIB needs Kate to help him get all of the CURRENT candidates off of the island. According to MIB, this is necessary in order for HIM (or IT) to leave the island. This idea sort of jives with what we learned in Ab Aeterno. Jacob’s original purpose, and that of whichever candidate ultimately becomes his replacement, is to keep MIB, and his evil Smokey powers from leaving the island. No Jacob, and no Jacob’s replacement = no more island prison for MIB.
4) What about Crazy Claire? Was she ever on Jacob’s list?
NO! (That was an easy one . . .)
5) One of the candidates on Jacob’s List is “Kwon.” No one seems entirely sure whether that last name refers to Jin or Sun. Seeing as this was a JIN AND SUN episode, did we get any closer to figuring this out?
You would think so, wouldn’t you? Unfortunately, Lost writers are still sort of playing “hide the ball” on this one. However, there were some hints given in the episode that would seem to suggest that JIN is the candidate.
First, there was Widmore’s extreme interest in getting Jin to the Hydra. Second, during this episode, the writers highlighted the fact that Sun’s maiden name was “Paik,” not “Kwon.” (Note: In flash-sideways world, Sun and Jin are lovers, but not married.) Third, Widmore’s cryptic comments about Sun “ceasing to exist” if MIB escapes the island; coupled with the flash-sideways images of Sun, shot and bleeding from the stomach, don’t bode particularly well for her . . .
But, then again, this is Lost, so all of this may end up meaning absolutely NOTHING!
6) Speaking of Lost stuff that initially SEEMS important to the overall mythology, but ends up meaning NOTHING, what was the deal with Room 23 — that place from back in Season 3, where Ben imprisoned Carl and forced him to watch that bizarre brain washy video?
Yeah, this was a bit of a cop out on Lost’s part, if you ask me. The Room was mentioned during this episode, seemingly, only to be explained away in a few hastily written sentences. Widmore inexplicably decided to keep Jin in Room 23, during this episode. When the familiar video images pop on the screen, and majorly freak out our poor Korean gangster, Zoey explains that the “Dharma Initiative” used the Room to “experiment with subliminal messaging” . . . LAME!
7) In Sayid’s episode, Sundown, his flash-sideways world featured Jin bound and gagged in a restaurant freezer. Was that explained tonight?
“Why is everybody always picking on ME?”
Good question, Jin. And, yes, as it turns out, in flash-sideways world, Sergeant Keamy . . .
was hired by Sun’s daddy to kill Jin, for, literally, screwing, with the boss’s daughter. Keamy never got a chance to do this, however, because RAMBO SAYID shot his ass before he got the chance . . .
I’m still not entirely sure, why all of this had to go down in a restaurant, though. Seems kind of random, to me . . . What exactly do you have against RESTAURANTS, Lost writers? What did they ever do to you?
8 ) Remember that awesome patch-wearing dude Mikhail, who never EVER seemed to die, no matter what anybody did to him? Why does he have to wear an eyepatch all the time?
OK . . . OK. This was a bit of a stretch. Of ALL the questions posed by the show Lost during the course of six seasons, I highly doubt that THIS was the one that was keeping you awake at night. However, you have to admit, it was pretty cool of the Lost writers to pay homage to “Patchy” again, after all this time.
This guy is AWESOME!
If you recall, in the original timeline, Mikhail was a hard core Other who just WOULDN’T die! The dude was blown up, beaten up, shot and/or electrocuted, in every SINGLE episode in which he appeared, but he just kept coming back for more. In flash-sideways world, Mikhail is a multi-lingual emissary of Keamy, and by extension, Sun’s father.
Toward the end of the episode, Mikhail is shot dead by Jin, but also sustains an eye injury. Mere coincidence? Or, is there, perhaps, some real and lasting connection between the flash-sideways world inhabited by the Losties, and the original timeline?
Well, that’s all I got, folks. Tune in next week, when we will hopefully be treated to much more Shirtless Desmond Hume and his super sexy Scottish brogue . . . oh, and maybe, get some more questions answered too.