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Judge Not, Lest GLEE be Judged! – A Recap of Glee’s “The Funeral”

WILL:  “Just so you know, I’m not wearing any pants under here . . .”

Nothing says “glee-ful,” like a funeral, right?  This week, Fox’s most peppy prime time program, took a turn for the teary, when it focused on the untimely death of the most beloved relative of McKinley High’s LEAST beloved coach . . .

Oops!  I don’t think she liked that remark.

And yet, the episode wasn’t an ENTIRE cryfest.  We also got to experience, a few tour de force musical numbers, a sentimental tribute to Will Schuester’s impressive sweater vest collection . . .

Hopefully, now that he’s given all of his clothing away, we’ll get to see more of THIS Mr. Schue . . .

 . . . and, perhaps, most importantly, we got to watch Jesse St. James metaphorically make breakfast on the heads of all the Glee club members that AREN’T Rachel Berry . . .

“I already got MINE, guys!  Now it’s your turn!”

So, wipe that egg off your face, and keep some Kleenex on hand for a good cry, because it’s time for your weekly Gleecap!

New Directions, New Villains and Zombies Who Like to Poop . . .

Any guesses as to how many innocent bottles of hairstyling gel were harmed in the making of this photo still?

It’s almost time for Nationals, Gleeks!  And you know what that means!  It’s time for the Glee kids to fight with one another over who gets a solo!  (YAY!) 

For reasons that completely defy the imagination, Will decides to use his perpetually miniscule budget to hire a “show choir consultant” to help New Directions succeed in its upcoming competition.  And who better for the job, then the college dropout, who broke Rachel’s heart, and completely screwed over the club last year, by pretending to be one of its members, and ditching them at the very last minute, to sing for the enemy?

How could you not trust THIS face?

That’s right, boys and girls!  It’s Jesse St. Jack Ass, reporting for duty!  And if he wasn’t so friggin hot, I’m sure I’d have lots more bad stuff to say about him . . .

Jesse informs Will and Will mindlessly agrees, because he apparently packed his brain and soul in the same box as his sweater vests that the ONLY way for New Directions to win Nationals, is if they focus their entire performance around the club’s “best” singer.  In Jesse’s defense, this DOES seem to be the strategy most commonly employed by McKinley High’s most formidable opponents.  Take, for example, Vocal Adrenaline . . .

. . . and, of course, who could forget, The Warblers . . .

Of course, Finn, the humble soul that he is, suggests that he and Rachel lead the club in a duet.  At which point Quinn (who would rather give birth to another illegitamate child, than see Rachel and her boyfriend eye f*&king eachother on stage) “kindly” reminds her “honey” that this was precisely the strategy that lost New Directions the Regional competition to Vocal Adrenaline last year.

“Don’t make me go all Lucy Caboosey on your ass!”

Adding insult to injury is St. Jackass, who tells Finn that the latter is not particularly talented at singing OR dancing.  Oh, also, according to Jesse, when Finn performs, he looks like a “zombie who likes to poop.”  This, of course, begs the question of what, exactly, a “Pooping Zombie” looks like . . .  I’m going to guess that it looks something like this . . .

 

 . . . combined with THIS .  . .

 . . . and mixed with a little of THIS . . .

(Mean or not . . . you’ve got to admit, the Jackass has a point) . . .

So, Will decides to hold “auditions” for his Glee kids to determine which of them gets to be the New Directions’ equivalent of Blaine Warbler . . .

So . . . pretty . . . cannot . . . look . . . away.

Try a Lack of Tenderness . . .

“The competition is ON, like Donkey Kong!”

Under normal circumstances, I suspect that the ENTIRE Glee club would have auditioned for the solo role at Nationals.  However, since Finn was busy perfecting his Defecating Dead Guy Face . . .

 . . . and since half of the episode was spent on Sue’s storyline the rest of the cast was . . . ummmm . . . washing their hair that day, the only ones who actually auditioned for the spot were Rachel (SURPRISE!), Kurt (SHOCKER!), Santana, and Mercedes . . .

  First up was Santana, who sang Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black.”

Her performance was pretty darn awesome.  And the fact that she did it stone cold SOBER unlike the REAL Amy Winehouse was majorly impressive.  She was also wearing an adorable outfit during her performance, which certainly doesn’t hurt (See above – I WANT THIS!).  Though, I must say, given Santana’s usual “take no prisoners” personality, I was a bit disappointed that when singing the line, “He kept his _______ wet,” she replaced the word “dick” with the, significantly less naughty (and, therefore, much less fun), “lips.”

What exactly do you have against ‘dicks’, Santana?” 😉

You can check out Santana’s entire performance, by clicking the internal link below . . .

Though Will thought this performance was “fabulous,” Jesse was underwhelmed, claiming that Santana missed the “emotion of the song.”  Personally, I think Jesse was just offended by the lack of “dick” in the number.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Then explain this to me:  Why did Jesse draw a picture of a puss . . . er . . . I mean . . . a cat, in his notepad, while Santana was singing? 

What’s new, Pussy Cat? 

Let that be a lesson to you, Santana:  Censorship is BAD!

Next up was Kurt.  He sang “Some People” from the Broadway Play Gypsy.  And it was. . . well . . . very . . . KURT-y.  That’s probably the best way to describe it . . .

I think part of the problem with the performance for me, was that my mind kept wandering during it.  I kept getting distracted by those bizarre skull and crossbone flare pants Kurt wore on stage, coupled with hisweird “tied in the back like a paint smock” vest.  Seriously, who DRESSES this kid?  Edward Scissorhands?

One thing that can be said for Kurt though, he is VERY FLEXIBLE!  Check out this move he managed to do, at the end of the musical number . . .

Blaine APPROVES!

But you know who DOESN’T approve of Kurt?  Jesse!  He wonders if Kurt is aware that “Some People” is a “Girl Song.”  “I make my living singing “Girl Songs” Kurt explains.  Point well taken, Kurt.  But that still doesn’t explain those ridiculous pants . . .

You can check out Kurt’s performance by clicking on the link below:

Third up was Mercedes.  She sang Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness,” which, if you are an afficionado of cheesy 80’s movies like me, you will remember as the song Jon Cryer’s Duckie absolutely KILLED (in a good way), during the film, Pretty in Pink . . .

If Santana’s and Kurt’s performances were good, Mercedes was AMAZING!  (Though, admittedly, her dancing abilities are nowhere near up to par with those of the Duckster!)  Even Jesse St. Jackass let out a “WOW,” when Mercedes belted out the song’s extremely challenging refrain.

This one is going on my ipod, FOR SURE!  You can check the performance out, for yourself, below . . .

And yet, despite being obviously impressed by Mercedes vocal range, Saint Jackass still had little nice to say about McKinley High’s most unapologetic diva.  He even went as far as to call the poor girl, of all things . . . LAZY!

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After Mercedes kindly offered to allow Jesse to “taste her fist,” Rachel took the stage with, you guessed it, her 85,000th Barbra Streisand song.

Now, I know . . . “Babs” is supposed to be Rachel’s “idol” and all . . . but COME ON!  Enough is enough!  There ARE other singers on this planet besides Barbra, that sing ballads, you know!

Anyway, Rachel sang a song called “My Man.”  Believe it or not, I had actually never heard the song, before the episode aired.  And I don’t particularly want to hear it again. 

Performance-wise, Rachel, as usual, did a fine job . . . well . . . except for two things: (1) she kept picturing Finn throughout the number, which was . . . nauseating annoying, to say the least; and (2) she made these weird, sort of constipated, facial expressions throughout the number.  Perhaps, Rachel’s Great Love for Finn is starting to make her emote like he does . . .

If you are a Rachel fan, and/or a Barbra Streisand fan, you will definitely want to check out the link below . .  .

You know who’s a HUGE Rachel fan?  Jesse St. Jackass!

OK . . . so, he might not have been such a big fan, back then.  But he’s definitely one now!  And because he really wants to touch Rachel’s Berries admires her work, St. Jackass has absolutely nothing bad at all to say about his ex girlfriend’s performance.  In fact, he thinks the Glee club’s Nationals’ performance should revolve around her . . . again.

Despite Jesse’s endorsement, however, Will ultimately decides that, rather than award ANY ONE GLEE KID a solo, the ENTIRE Glee club will sing original songs TOGETHER at Nationals . . . thereby making this entire audition process a whole load of poo.

“Haha!  Jokes on YOU, Gleeks!”

The audition process wasn’t a TOTAL loss, however.  It DID help Saint Jackass move one step closer to popping Rachel Berry’s cherries!

“Stop staring at my boobs, ya perv!”

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In other news . . .

A Farewell to Arms Sweater Vests

Will Schuester, this is your ‘What Not to Wear’ Fasion Intervention.”

So, remember a few weeks back, when April invited Will to be in her lame ass Broadway show with her?  Well, it turns out he’s going!  In doing so, he’s leaving EVERYONE and EVERYTHING behind him, including the Glee kids, Emma, and those HIDEOUS sweater vests.  Of course, Will hasn’t told his students this yet, because we need some sort of cliffhanger in the season finale he doesn’t want to distract them from winning Nationals. 

While at Will’s house helping him pack, Emma tells Will that she remembers the sweater vest he wore when they first met.  I can’t decide whether I think that is really sweet, or incredibly disturbing.  So, the next day, Emma shows up at school WEARING THAT VEST . .  .

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(OK .  . . I’ve made my decision, now . . . I’m going to go with “incredibly disturbing.”  Thank you very much.)

Hmmm . . . let’s see, what else happened this week? . . . Oh yeah . . . the funeral.

Pure Imagination

It started like any other episode, with Sue and Terri trying to foil the Glee club’s plans to fly to New York, by rerouting their plane to Libya.  (Libya?  Really?)  But then we learned that Sue had kicked Becky off of the Cheerios.  And things got pretty maudlin, pretty fast . . .

When Will finds out about this, he confronts Sue about her incredible lack of sensitivity.  Sue surprises Will by explaining that she kicked Becky off the Cheerios, because Becky reminds her too much of her older sister, Jean, who died of pneumonia in her sleep the night before.  As is often the case in these type of situations, Sue blames herself for not being there for Jean, during her final moments.

Will informs the Glee kids of Sue’s loss.  And, despite their extremely contentious relationship with the cheerleading coach, the kids arrive at her office, flowers and stuffed animals in hand, to pay their respects . . .

Finn and Kurt, both of whom know personally what it is like to lose a close family member, are particularly sympathetic to Sue, when she explains that she is too emotionally overwrought to sort through Jean’s personal items at the nursing home, or plan her funeral.  So, the pair (who have already planned a FABULOUS wedding for their parents – remember?) commandeer the Glee club to help out an Enemy in Need. 

Upon learning that Jean loved the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the Glee kids decorate the funeral home, with the film in mind, adorning Jean’s coffin with extra large lollipops, gumdrops, candycanes, and, of course, Everlasting Gobstoppers. 

Now, no offense to Jean (may she rest in peace), but, am I the only one who finds the Willy Wonka movie POSITIVELY TERRIFYING?  I mean, think about it, this is a story about kids that, as a result of some pretty minor infractions, turned blue and obese, drowned in chocolate, got shrunk to ant size, were attacked by squirrels, and got dropped down loooong trash chutes. 

Just sayin’

Poorly-selected theme aside, the funeral was a truly beautiful one.  It featured, among other things, Sue’s heart-tugging speech about her sister (which Will kindly read for the typically-stone cold educator, when she became too choked up to continue), uplifting videos of the deceased, during happier times . . .

. . . and the Glee kids tear-jerking performance of the song “Pure Imagination,” which was featured in the original film. 

Oddly enough, the event inspired Finn to break up with Quinn, in the parking lot outside the funeral home.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Quinn fan, at all!  And I never particularly cared for Finn and Quinn as a couple.  But SERIOUSLY?  Talk about BAD TIMING!  I mean, how insensitive can you get?

“Are you friggin kidding me, Poopy Zombie?”

Of course, any sympathy I may have had for Quinn was lost, the moment she told Finn that she didn’t mind if he continued to have feelings for Rachel, provided he dated Quinn through next year, so that the pair had another shot of winning Prom King and Queen.

Obviously, a girl who makes THIS kind of request of the boyfriend, who is clearly trying to dump her for SOMEONE ELSE, is either extremely shallow, or has pitifully low self esteem.  (Maybe a little bit of both?)  That being said, Quinn’s emotional exit from the car following the Big Dump, illustrated that the Wanna-Be Prom Queen’s feelings for Finn may, in fact, be deeper than she would like the casual onlooker to believe . . . 

Oh, and she also threatened to do something naughty to Finn at Nationals.  Hmmm . . . I wonder what she’s planning . . .

Hide your bunnies and your balls, Finn!

The question is: now, that Finn has FINALLY made up his mind until he inevitably changes it again, can he win back Rachel, before she falls headfirst into the ass of Jesse St. Jackass?  Do we really care? 

Only time will tell . . .

In other potential Character Redemption News, by way of saying “Thanks for the funeral,”  Sue has decided that she no longer wants to send the Glee kids to their certain deaths in Libya.  (PROGRESS!) She’d much rather . . . run for a seat in the House of Representatives?

You’ve really gotta love a Random Plot Point, like this one!

Oh, and she let Becky back into the Cheerios, even going as far as to offer the loveable teen the position of Captain, for the following year. 

When the tightly-knit pair hugged one another, toward the end of the episode, I must admit, I got a little misty-eyed .  . .

Did I mention that Will’s ridiculously annoying ex Terri (she of the fake pregnancies, and such) is moving to Miami to become manager of the Bed, Bath and Beyond Sheetz n’ Things store, down there? 

Sayonara Sucka!

Or that this SAME woman randomly decided to get the ENTIRE GLEE CLUB first class tickets to New York for Nationals?  (The “Sheetz” in Lima must pay REALLY WELL!)  Yeah . . . I thought it was totally random too. 

But, instead of talking about side characters, who I DON’T care about very much, let’s talk about ones that I actually LIKE . . . who were totally missing from this episode . . .

Where’s the Beiste?

And the Sunshine?

And why the F*&K didn’t PUCK have any lines or shirtless scenes this week?

Next week, is Glee season finale!  (Can you believe this show has been on  for two full seasons already?) In honor of the Big Event, the entire cast will be heading to New York City for the National competition! 

You can check out the promo for this Sure-to-Be-Epic episode HERE:

So, my fellow Gleeks, the time has come for you to make your predictions:  Will New Directions  beat out Sunshine Corazon and her Vocal Adrenaline teammates, this year?  Or are they destined for yet another crushing defeat?  You’ll have to tune in next week, in order to find out.  See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Dance Your Pants Off! – A Recap of Glee’s “Prom Queen”

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“You can get married as many times as you want, but there is only one prom,”  says Quinn Febray, during Glee’s epic PROM EPISODE. 

“This is how I decided to spend the alimony payments from each of my five ex-husbands.  One lame tiara, for each lame man.”

Ahhh . . . the Prom Episode, every teen show has one.  And only some of them are actually worth watching.  After all, when it comes to prom episodes, there’s a whole lot of CLICHE to go around:  the Pre-Prom Pictures, the Ugly Duckling Transformation, the Long, Slow Walk Down the Stairs, while the Admiring Boyfriend Looks On, the Inevitably Fight Over a Girl (or Guy), the Romantic Slow Dance Moment, and, of course, the crowning of the Prom’s King and Queen.  And with cliches, comes a WHOLE LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES to be unmemorable . . .

A MAJOR Opportunity for a Cliche is RIGHT HERE!  It’s a GOOD THING that these two didn’t win Prom King and Queen.  That’s all I’m saying!  (Oh, and Finn?  1985 called.  It REALLY wants your powder blue cumberbund back . . .)

Fortunately, Glee’s “Prom Queen” managed to deftly sidestep all of the typical Prom Episode Traps that were just waiting to trip it up.  The result was a genuinely fun-filled, toe-tapping, heart warming, tear-inducing, hour of television. 

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Oh, you RIDE THAT PONY, Santana!  Ride it hard!

My fellow Gleeks, the time has come to zip up those dresses, strap on the corsages, spike the punch, and practice dancing the night away, in those ridiculously uncomfortable high heels.  In the iconic words of Sam Evan’s “Who’s ready for some PROM?”

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I Love it When Glee Gets All Self-Deprecating and Self-Referential!

“Give me back my BALLS, B*tch!”

The moment I knew that I was going to LOVE this week’s installment of Glee occurred about two minutes into the episode, when Jacob Ben-Israel shoved a microphone in Puck’s face, and asked him a question that was purportedly given to him by “fans at home: “Where does Lauren keep your balls?”

“Fans from Home,” INDEED!  I think MANY of us have been asking ourselves this very question, ever since the writers made the BIZARRE decision to couple Puck and Lauren, back during the Valentine’s Day episode.   So, it’s comforting to know that at least SOMEONE in the writers’ room is listening.  Because, as much as I desperately want to have sex with ADORE my Sexy Puck-meister . . .

. . . even I must admit that he does act a tad “Neutered Puppy”-esque when hanging around a certain Full-Figured Female.

Cute?  Definitely!  Bad Ass?  Not exactly . .  .

 And did you notice how Puck and Lauren had virtually no scenes together, this week?  I smell PROGRESS! 

Strike THREE, Zizes!  YOU’RE OUT!

That being said, the fact that Puck chose to “up his street cred” this week, by (1) NOT spiking the Prom Punch; and (2) rocking out to a rather annoying song written by a 13-year old, leads me to question whether or not Lauren not only chopped off his manhood when she started dating him, but gave him a LOBOTOMY too . . .

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That being said, I still want to attend a party in his pants . . .

In other META-news, when Principal Figgins asks Mr. Schue if his Glee kids could perform at prom (Apparently, Air Supply canceled AGAIN!  Stupid Air Supply!) . . .

. . . Sue Sylvester pipes in with a list of all of the WORST SONGS EVER PERFORMED on Glee by the Glee Club.  Included on this list, of course, are . . .

“Run, Joey, Run”

(Coincidentally, it is from the video of “Run, Joey, Run” that I obtained my absolute FAVORITE, and, admittedly, very much overrused, Sexy White-Tank Wearing Puck GIF, which you may have noticed above.)

AND . . .

 that ridiculous “Hair” / “Crazy in Love” Mashup . . .

Now, THIS was REALLY BAD!

One thing that’s gotta be said for Glee, when the show messes up, at least it’s willing to ADMIT IT . . . most of the time, anyway.

So, Who’s YOUR Prom Date?

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Was it just me, or did Brittany seem unusually smart, this week?  Perhaps, when Lauren cut off the frontal lobe of Puck’s brain, she ended up donating it to the web host of Fondue for Two . . .

There was a bit of intrigue, early on in the episode, regarding which Glee kids would take which other Glee kids to prom.  (Because, HEAVEN FORBID, any of them take NON-CAST MEMBERS, right?)  I mean, we already knew that Finn was going to take Quinn (yawn), Mike was going to take Tina (zzzzzz), Puck was going to take Lauren (BOO!), and Santana and Karofsky were going to be eachother’s closeted dance partners.  But it was interesting to see the, usually proud and independent, Mercedes so decidedly bummed about not having a date .  . .

MERCEDES:  “I can’t understand why no one has asked me to prom yet?”

RACHEL:  “Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that you are wearing a HUGE, SCARY OPEN MOUTH on your chest?”

Some have argued that Mercedes sudden interest in having a boyfriend, when she has seemed to show NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER, in the past, seems out of character, and more like a Plot Device, than anything else.  However, I kind of feel like Mercedes is someone who hides her insecurities behind a cloak of false bravado.  And, as such a person, she would sooner knock something she can’t have, than admit that she truly wants it.  That being said, I love that Mercedes’ friendship with Rachel has evolved to the point where the former can be truly honest with the latter, about her hopes and dreams. 

Ho’s Before Bro’s!

Speaking of Rachel, we all know she can be SUPER selfish sometimes.  So, it was really refreshing to see her take others’ needs into consideration, this week. 

Finny LIKE!

She did this by orchestrating a group date between Mercedes, Sam, and herself so that (1) all of them had dates to the prom; and (2) Sam’s financial situation did not keep him from attending.  Way to go, Rach!

Trouty Mouth is very pleased!

“I am a TOTAL PIMP!”

Meanwhile, Blaine struggles with his own insecurities about attending prom with Kurt, as a result of a traumatic experience, during Blaine’s public school days, when he was beat up for attending a Sadie Hawkins dance with one of his gay friends . ..

In an Awesome Mutually Mature Boyfriend Moment, Kurt, despite obviously REALLY wanting to attend the prom, tells Blaine that he would be willing to skip the event, if Blaine feels uncomfortable with it.  Likewise, Blaine, though clearly not without reservations, loves Kurt so much, that he is willing to face up to his deepest, darkest, fears in order to make Kurt happy.  (By the way, I love how, when Kurt asks Blaine to the prom he actually refers to him as “Blaine Warbler.”  SO CUTE!) 

LOL!  The maker of this picspam and I clearly share a brain. . .

Secretly hoping that their public acts of kindness will win them points in the Prom King and Queen Race, Team Beard, Santana and Karofsky offer to give Kurt round the clock protection from bullying (well . . . at least during school hours).

This inevitably results in some VERY interesting and intense moments between Kurt and Karofsky, which I plan to discuss more fully in just a bit.  But, for now, let’s talk about Artie . . .

Dear, sweet, Artie!  You broke my heart many times over this week, from your Fashion Disaster Prom Wardrobe (Elvis Hair?   Orange Suit?  Ruffled Shirt?  NO!  NO and HELL NO!), to your defeated (and, let’s face it, slightly pathetic) acceptance of torture at the hands of Sue Sylvester.  But nothing you did this week, broke my heart like your failed serenade of Brittany. 

“I know you are mad at me now, but I was wondering if you would possibly be interested in having a threesome with Santana and me?  Best of both worlds, right?”

Sure, you called her stupid, which was probably the ONE thing you could have said to Brittany that would get her to dump you.  And, yes, you kind of added insult to injury, by singing, of all songs, Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely” to her, which is, after all, a song about a NEWBORN BABY . . .

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The lyrics, “Less than ONE MINUTE OLD,” should have probably clued you in to that one . . .

But still, to be shot down, in front of an ENTIRE HOME ECONOMICS class, because your ex tells you that she would rather go to her prom ALONE, and have hot sex with Santana dance with lots of random guys, instead of YOU . . . now that’s GOTTA HURT!  Artie, if I wasn’t sure it would give me a painful electrical shock (I’ve actually tried this before . . . “smart” . . . I know), I probably would have hugged you right through the television screen . . .

Everybody Loves Rachel . . . for a change (well, except, maybe, for Quinn)

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Yes!  They are fighting over ME!  Rachel Berry!  Everybody loves ME!  I’m awesome. Oh, boys!  Stop fighting!  This is terrible!  Someone is going to get hurt . . . and I can’t afford to break my nose, again.”

Rachel Berry may already have TWO dates to the prom.  But she’s about to get at least one more (and, if Eye F*&king counts as “dating,” possibly TWO more).  We see Rachel practicing her solo number for the prom, Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.”  Then, seemingly out of nowhere (Seriously, is there NO security at this school?) Jesse St. James magically appears in the auditorium, transforming her already highly emotive solo into an extremely sexually-tense duet . . .

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You can check out the pair’s full performance here . . .

Whatever you may have felt about the so-called “St. Berry pairing” back in Season 1, and it’s unfortunate, not to mention, completely out-of-the-blue, ending . . .

Sunny side down?

 . . . the sexual chemistry between Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele is undeniable (which is odd, considering that Groff is so clearly GAY).  And never is the pair more on fire, than when they are mutually breaking into song.  If you recall, this is precisely how the couple’s relationship first began . . .

JESSE: “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a woman on top of a piano.  It’s very Pretty Woman.”

RACHEL:  “But we are in a library . . . and there are old people in the background, watching us.”

JESSE: “Doesn’t that turn you on?”

RACHEL: “Not really.”

JESSE:  “Work with me here.  I’m trying to get you laid.”

Though, admittedly, I prefer the original Adele version of “Rolling in the Deep” to what “Rachel and Jesse” performed here, both the acting and directing of this scene are positively flawless.  I love the way the singers’ facial expressions alternate from almost angry, to wistful, to attracted, to indifferent, to competitive, and, finally, to joyous at various points throughout the number.  I also appreciate the way Rachel and Jesse circle one another around the piano, as they sing, engaging in what seems to be a strange, and undoubtedly sexual, mating dance between predator and prey . . . lover and scorned . . . where the participants are each simultaneously playing both roles.

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JESSE:  “There is something different about you.  Did you get a nose job?”

RACHEL: “No, Jesse!  I decided against doing that.  Geez!  Don’t you watch Glee?”

As it turns out, Jesse, who was supposedly a senior in high school, during the show’s first season, has (conveniently) dropped out of college, and now (also conveniently) wishes to start his own business as a consultant to Glee Clubs and show choirs.  His reason for breaking into McKinley High?  Well, it seems to be two-fold: 

(1) He wishes to apologize to Rachel for the whole “egg-head” business.  Apparently, selling his girlfriend out for a fourth consecutive championship win of a HIGH SCHOOL competition seems short-sighted to him, in hindsight  (Gee, ya think?); and

(2) He knew Rachel’s prom was coming up, and wanted to take her.  (You know . . . because college guys always keep track of rival high school’s social calendars, while they are away.)

Was this a contrived way for the writers to bring back this character?  Absolutely.  And yet, I’m actually really excited about Jesse’s return, not only because I enjoy his interactions with Rachel (She tends to be WAY less whiny and annoying, when she’s with him.), but because I’m positively THRILLED about what his return is going to do to Finn . . .

Watch out Finn-y!  Your emotions are showing!

Speaking of Finn, he sure seemed to be All Aboard the Rachel Train, this week, didn’t he?  The minute Finn learned that Rachel was considering taking Jesse to prom, he suddenly seemed SUPER CONCERNED about Rachel “getting her heart broken again.” 

 (After all, the only person allowed to break Rachel’s heart is FINN, right?) 

Rachel rightly tells Finn to go f*&k himself, that, as someone who’s currently dating Quinn, he has NO RIGHT to weigh in on Rachel’s romantic rendezvous.  Rachel (Bless her heart, girlfriend was pure PERFECTION this episode!) then proceeds to make Finn even SORRIER about dating the wrong girl, by expertly offering him advice on how to purchase the perfect corsage for his ACTUAL girlfriend but probably not for long Quinn.  (“A Gardenia . . . with a green ribbon around it .  .  . to match her eyes,” Rachel suggests).

Oh, Finn!  You poor smitten, little boy!  You are SO SCREWED!

Tension rises between Finn and Jesse, when the two encounter one another at Breadsticks (which, apparently, is the only restaurant in Lima, Ohio) later in the episiode.  Finn, in a not-so-subtle allusion to the “Little Game of Egg Toss” Jesse played with Rachel’s head, last season, asks the college dropout, if he ordered “eggs” for dinner. 

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In return, Jesse makes a few snide remarks about Finn’s bad dancing skills .  . .

Ahem . . .

 . . . even going as far as to offer HIMSELF to QUINN as a dance partner, when she gets tired of Finn-y Boy stepping on her feet.

Jesse – 1, Finn – 0

At the prom, when Rachel sings her solo number to Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts”  (What happened to “Rolling in the Deep”?) Finn, who just so happens to be dancing with Quinn at the time, keeps leering at Rachel, as if he wants to swallow her whole . . .

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And, later, when Jesse starts getting all hot and handsy with Rachel on the dance floor . . .

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 . . . Finny Boy conveniently misinterprets Rachel’s nearly orgasmic reaction as displeasure and TOTALLY SNAPS, attacking Jesse like a wild drooling rabid dog, who hasn’t eaten in weeks.  This, of course, gets BOTH Jesse and Finn promptly tossed out of the prom.  Quinn is upset by this, because she BELIEVES it will prevent her from winning prom queen.  But, in all honesty, she actually doesn’t win, because nobody really likes her . . .

Take that, Lucy Caboosey!

The smallest little violin in the world begins playing, as Quinn rushes off sobbing to the bathroom (“I’m not going to be prom queen, BOO HOO HOO!  My life is over.  I’m transferring schools  . . . AGAIN,” she wails.)

And Rachel, ever the glutton for punishment, actually rushes in to comfort this b*tch.  (Seriously, Rachel was like SUPERHUMANLY ANGELIC this week.  This means that, next week, the writers will probably make her Evil Incarnate.)  So, what does Rachel get for trying to be a decent human being to Quinn in her so-called hour of need?  Well, she gets THIS . . .

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But, like I said, Rachel COULD DO NO WRONG this week.  And even after Quinn gives her “free blush” on one side of her face, Rachel sticks around to find out why Quinn is “so upset.” 

Well, for starters, Quinn is upset because she currently wants Finn.  Tomorrow, she might want Puck.  And the day after, she might want Sam.  But today, it’s Finn.  And the day Quinn wants someone, she’ll be DAMNED if he’s interested in someone else!

What I found interesting about Quinn’s “little speech,” was that she seemed LESS upset about the fact that Finn seems currently more attracted to Rachel, than to her, and MORE upset about the fact that OTHER people noticed that, and, (she thinks) didn’t select them as Prom King and Queen because of it.  Way to keep your priorities straight, girl!

“Oh, don’t cry Quinn . . . it gives you wrinkles.”

The other thing Quinn claims to be worried about, is something the writers ALWAYS have her character worry about, every time they want to make her “sympathetic” to the audience.  Quinn complains to Rachel that life is SO MUCH HARDER for her, than it is for Rachel, because, unlike Rachel Quinn is just so pretty.  And as a result of her ridiculous attractiveness (and lack of other redeeming qualities), post-high school life for Quinn might actually end up being pretty darn disappointing. 

I hate to say it, but Quinn’s probably right about her future . . . 

Nonetheless, Rachel lies through her teeth, assuring Quinn that she’s more than just a pretty face.   She’s a better person than me, that Rachel.  That’s for DAMN sure!

You know who else is a MUCH better person than I am? EVERYBODY Kurt Hummel.

Kurt Reigns Over the Prom

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One of the coolest things about Kurt Hummel, I think, is that he’s not just content to be an out-and-proud teen.  Rather, Kurt sees it as his personal mission to educate teens and adults on having tolerance for various alternative lifestyles.  And though that Bizarre Kilt Thing Kurt wanted to wear to prom, SERIOUSLY freaked out his dad, Finn and Blaine, not to mention rivaled only ARTIE’S tuxedo, as the WORST PROM OUTFIT ever . . .

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 . . . I still respected the courage it took for Kurt to wear it.  Speaking of respect, I think Karofsky gained a whole lot of it for Kurt, when the latter found it in his heart, not just to forgive the former for bullying him, but also to take pity on the pain he was experiencing as a closeted gay youth . . .

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Kurt’s kindness, and his recognition of Karofsky’s inner turmoil, causes the normally stoic jock to break down into uncharacteristic tears.  Moved by Karofsky’s display of emotion, Kurt encourages him to stop hiding his true self, and come out of the closet “not tomorrow, but when you can.”

Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worst at prom, when Puck and Sam sing Rebecca Black’s Friday, which, though better than the original version, still makes me want to clean out my ears with bleach . . .

SAM:  “We are SO going to get our asses kicked for doing this song, aren’t we?”

PUCK: “Mmmm hmm.”

 . . . Karofsky gets crowned Prom King . . .

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Well, I guess that’s not such a bad thing, in and of itself.  But then, in a cruel twist, the McKinley High School kids insensitively nominate KURT as Prom Queen, causing both him AND Santana, to run out of the auditorium in tears.

Blaine sweetly comforts Kurt outside by the lockers, offering him the same comforting safety net, Kurt had offered him back when he worried about attending the prom in the first place.  “We don’t have to stay here, you know.  We can leave and never look back.”  But Kurt isn’t ready to accept defeat just yet.  Instead, he decides to (1) return to the auditorium and get coronated; (2) dance to Mercedes’ and Santana’s rendition of “Dancing Queen;” and (3) in doing so, impliedly, tell all the homophobes in his student body to go F*&k Themselves . . .

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(By the way, PRINCIPAL FIGGINS, the kids at your school play a practical joke on a gay male student, by electing him prom queen, and YOU allow him to be coronated to the tune of DANCING QUEEN, of all songs!  FOR SHAME!)

That being said, since it WAS Mercedes and Santana singing, don’t you think they could have . . . I don’t know . . . sang a DIFFERENT SONG?  Like “Macho Man,” perhaps? 😉

For a moment, it looks as though Karofsky might muster up the courage to actually dance with Kurt.  But, seeing his classmates’ reaction to Kurt’s bold acceptance of the crown, frightens Karofsky to his core.  And, at the last second, Karofsky runs from the auditorium, once again, in tears.  Fortunately, Blaine is standing right behind Kurt at the time, and is more than willing to “have this dance” with him.

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(Speaking of Blaine, his rocking out to the most awkwardly titled song ever, the “I’m Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance,” was pretty awesome, right?   Now, don’t get me wrong,, it’s not that I particularly love the song.  But boyfriend SURE CAN DANCE!  Plus, I found the number refreshingly non-Warbler-esque, which was great . . . for me, anyway!)

I mentioned Santana, earlier.  She shared a very sweet scene with Brittany outside the auditorium, in which she tearfully wondered why everyone hated her, just because SHE hated THEM. 🙂  An unusually-wise-this-week Brittany argued that the rest of the school didn’t vote for Santana because they would rather play a mean joke on Kurt because they can somehow tell that she’s not being true to herself.  (Now, that’s a nice idea and all.  But, then, how did KAROFSKY win?) 

Argument fallacies aside, my heart warmed a bit, when Brittany told Santana that if she “embraced the awesomeness of who she is, she would have won.”  Now, honestly, I’m not sure I believe that .  . . but it was a sweet thing to say, nonethless. 

And when Brittany politely told Santana to stop whining, pull her head out of her ass, and be supportive to Kurt in his time of need, well, that was EVEN sweeter . . .

Wearer of the Worst Prom Outfit Ever . . . meet the Worst Plotline Ever.

As I sort of mentioned earlier, there was also this sort of bizarre storyline, in which Puck convinced Artie to spike the punch at the dance . . . and then Sue Sylvester CAUGHT Artie doing it . . . so she randomly tortured him with dental tools . . . until she found out that he DIDN’T actually spike the punch? 

Yeah . . . rest assured, that plotline was about as random, and annoying to watch, as it probably was to read.  So,I’m not going to spend any more time on it than what you see here.  . .  except to say that, perhaps, the whole point of the storyline was simply to once-again punish Artie for wearing that Ugly Ass Suit . . .

Don’t worry Artie!  Everyone makes mistakes!  Next week will be better for you, I promise.  (Because, we all know it can’t get much worse!)

So, that was basically “Prom Queen” in a nutshell.   Next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Funeral,” promises to be a much darker episode. . . not to mention, a deadlier one.  You can check out the promo for THAT episode HERE . . .

Now, it’s time to start speculating, my fellow Gleeks, if you haven’t started already.  Which cast member do you think has already sung his (or her) final Swan Song?  Tune in next week to find out . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The Secret (and Scandalous) Lives of Gleeks – A Recap of Glee’s “Rumours”

Of all the secrets revealed in this week’s episode of Glee, this one, about Lord Tubbington, was probably the most shocking . . .

I’ve got a secret.  (Shhh!  Don’t tell anyone.) 

Before seeing this episode of Glee, I knew next to nothing about Fleetwood Mac.  I didn’t know who they were, or what songs they sang, or why their band name sounds like something you’d see on the menu at McDonalds. 

“I’ll have a Fleetwood Mac with Cheese, please.”

Come to think of it, saying I knew “next to nothing” about Fleetwood Mac was probably a bit generous, on my part.  Right?

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And since this week’s Glee installment was based entirely on ONE Fleetwood Mac album (entitled, appropriately enough “Rumors”) I’m at a bit of a disadvantage, in terms of writing this recap. 

But one thing I DO know a lot about is GOSSIP.  After all, EVERYBODY gossips.  GOSSIP IS FUN . . . at least, when it’s not about YOU.  Fortunately, all of the gossip in this week’s episode is about the GLEE KIDS (and Will).  So, we can just sit back, relax, and enjoy the train wrecks that are OTHER people’s lives, for a change! 

Sorry Mr. Schue!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s start spreading those NASTY rumors, we all secretly love so much!

Santana “bats for the Pink Team,” Mike Chang has a big . . . eggroll, and Brittany’s cat EATS CHEESE!

“So, let me get this straight . . . it’s a show . . . within a show . . . within a recap .  . . about the show.  How META!”

 Geez!  For a television character who doesn’t know how to sign her own name, only writes in crayon, and was once quoted as saying that she “[doesn’t] know how to turn on a computer,” Brittany S. Pearce sure is tech savvy! 

“I don’t even know what either of those words mean.”

I mean, it’s not easy to create your own online webshow, complete with expert camera handling (Who exactly was supposed to be filming that bit, anyway?), a VERY catchy opening theme song, and snazzy on-screen graphics!  And yet, somehow, Brittany hosts Fondue for Two, which I’m pretty sure is the best web program ON THE PLANET! 

(I’m serious!  More of THIS, please!)

Perhaps, one of the coolest things about Fondue for Two (aside from it teaching us that Mike Chang’s abs aren’t the only part of his body that’s “firm and strong”) . . .

“My boyfriend’s Hot Dog is THIS BIG!”

I find that offensive.”

 . . . was that it finally introduced us to BRITTANY’S CAT, LORD TUBBINGTON!

Now THOSE are some hot abs . . .

Though Lord Tubbington (or as I like to refer to him Tubbie Bear) had never appeared on Glee before, his reputation certainly proceeds him.  After all, he and Brittany have what you would call a “love-hate relationship.”  Remember when Brittany worried that her cat was reading her diary? 

A younger (and slightly thinner) Lord Tubbington caught in the act . . .

How, about the time when Brittany became convinced that her dentist, Dr. Carl, was actually her cat in disguise?

“Mind if I lick your face?”

And, this week, Brittany let Lord Tubbington eat cheese right out of her fondue pot (He’s on the Atkins Diet), and get interviewed on her web show, even though she “knows he started smoking again.”

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LORD TUBBINGTON THINKS:  “Dammit, she must have found my secret stash in the litter box.  I thought I buried it really deep too!”

Personally, I’m hoping Tubbie Bear becomes a series regular on the show, complete with his own solo number and love interest . . .

“What’s new, Pussy Cat?”

Sue’s Evil Plan to Ruin # 5,672 (and 5,673)

Breaking News:  Sue Sylvester just signed on to play an Extra in Avatar 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Back in Evil Villain Land, Sue inexplicably dresses up as a scary aging rockstar, and an even scarier Republican . . .

This image gave me nightmares.

Apparently, some one in the writers room thought this was really funny / a good idea.  That makes one of us . . .

Anywhoo . . . this week Sue tries to bring down the Glee Club, by starting a newspaper, who’s sole purpose is to spread rumors, through fake blind items about Glee Club members . . .

Terri’s idea to ruin the Glee club is a bit more practical.  She calls upon April Rhodes . . .

SURPRISE, Glee Fan!  You’ve just won Another Recycled Guest Star!

 . . .  and convinces her to invite Will to star with her in her own Broadway production about her life (Such a humble character, that April!).  After all, Terri knows that Will has always wanted to take his shot at succeeding on the Great White Way . . .

Sing it, Schuester!

And if April can convince him to move to New York with her, not only will Sue get Will out of the Glee club, Terri will get Will out of his apartment, so SHE can move back in.  (Pretty clever, right?)

And today’s lesson is . . .

OMG!  What is with these bizarre facial expressions?  Step aside, Jim Carrey!  Hollywood has a Brand New Rubberface (who probably charges a whole lot less than you do . . .)

Just as planned, Sue’s blind items tear the Glee club to shreds!  First Santana calls Brittany out for OUTING her as LEBANESE in public.  (As it turns out, when she said Santana was “batting for the other team,” she was actually only referring to extracurricular activities.)  Meanwhile, Finn thinks Quinn is cheating on him with Sam; Quinn thinks Finn is cheating on HER with Rachel; and Artie thinks Brittany is cheating on HIM with Santana (which, of course, she TOTALLY is).  It’s just a WHOLE BIG MESS.


But fear not, Gleeks!  Because in our darkest hour, there is only one thing on which we can count: Will Schuester and his Lucky Episode Sponsor Lesson of the Week . . .  That’s right boys and girls!  To teach his little kiddies the importance of being able to rise above the hurtful power of rumors, Will has chosen to force his class to sing songs who’s lyrics revolve around the hurtful power of rumors.  an album that actually has little to do with secrets or gossip, but just so happens to be called “Rumours.”  HOORAY!

Will’s idea is that since, singing these particular songs, helped keep Fleetwood Mac from breaking up, covering them will keep New Directions from falling apart.  IT’S GENIUS!  (Well . . . not really . . . but we can pretend, right?)

Will’s Dreams . . . are Dead . . . (Or Are They?)

To kick things off, Will introduces Three-Time Guest Star April Rhodes (One more appearance, and she wins a free dinner at The Olive Garden Breadsticks) to the class AGAIN.  April then proceeds to bump, grind, and inappropriately seduce the underage males in the class (and Will) with her rendition of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams.”

Like I said, the relationship this particular song has to “rumors” is pretty tenuous.  But April does a nice job with it, and the kids seem to enjoy it enough.  April continues her plot to seduce Will over to the Dark Side of the Great White Way, through (1) a homecooked meal of Flirtation and Eye F*ckery . . .

Was anybody else watching this scene worried that either April or Will would end up setting their matching butt chins on fire?  Come to think of it . . . that would have been really funny.

. . . and (2) a RIDICULOUSLY BAD original song duet  .  . .

Not surprisingly, by the time April pops the “Come to Broadway with Me” question, Will is already well-primed toward saying “yes.”  Further complicating matters, is a surprisingly supportive, New and Improved / Washes Fruit Significantly Less, Emma . . .

Look guys!  Emma ate this grape off the FLOOR, after only soaking in water it for ONE-HALF HOUR!

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Talk about better living through chemistry!

Anyway, New and Improved Emma thinks Will is “really talented” and should “follow his dreams.”  Hearing this admission causes the Schue to cry.

But, fortunately, having undoubtedly been told by show producers his friends that his Ugly Cry Face would frighten the Boogeyman himself, Will tones it down a notch with the Facial Squinchiness . . .

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Less Ugly Cry Face, More Eye F*&kery and Mutual Fruit Fondling

As it turns out, Will feels genuinely torn between pursuing his dream of fame and fortune, and . . . hanging out with the Glee kids / f*&king washing fruits with Emma . . .  Such a dilemma!

To make matters worse, Sue sends out Brittany to pepper Schue with questions about his Broadway Aspirations (and, of course, what type of underwear he wears . . . inquiring minds want to know).

It looks like the answer is “boxer briefs (with stuffed chickens coming out of the crotch).”

“Will’s Hot Dog is this big . . .”  (Sorry Schue!  It looks like Mike Chang has you beat, this time!)

When THAT doesn’t work, Sue publishes an article in her paper stating that Will has ALREADY decided to leave McKinley for Broadway.  Met with an upset bunch of Glee kids, Will quickly puts rumors of his departure from the cast McKinley to rest.  Nevertheless, based on the pouty, mopey, I just poopied in my boxer brief look on his face, at the end of the episode . . .

. . . coupled with New Directions upcoming trip to Broadway’s NYC for the Glee Club National Competition, I can’t help but think that, for better or worse, this particular storyline is FAR from over . . .

Brittany gets screwed over by EVERYONE (except the chain-smoking, but still very loveable, Lord Tubbington, of course!)

Now, THAT’S an Attractive Cry Face!

Poor Brittany!  She just couldn’t win this week!  First a TRUE rumor gets published in the school newspaper that she’s been cheating on Artie with Santana.  When Artie confronts her about it, Brittany informs him that SANTANA told HER that having sex with a GIRL does not equal cheating on your BOYfriend.  Artie accuses Santana of manipulating Brittany into engaging in Horizontal Lebanese Dancing with her. 

And when Brittany comes to Santana’s defense, calling her lover a “good person,” Artie REALLY loses it.  “Why are you SO stupid?”  He asks.

Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”

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“You were the only person who never called me that,” exclaims Brittany, before dashing off, right into SANTANA’S ARMS!

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After EFFING UP ROYALLY, Artie tried to insert his foot in his mouth.  Unfortunately . . . well . . . you know . . . he can’t do that .  . . So, instead, he sang a Fleetwood Mac song, while the entire male student body magically appeared behind him to accompany him on their guitars . . .

“Where the heck did all these people come from?”

The song is called “Never Going Back Again,” and it pretty much symbolizes the end of the “Bartie” relationship, as we know it.  The song goes a little something like this . . . (Click the internal link to view.)

Meanwhile, Santana shares HER true feelings with Brittany (who’s breakup with Artie has her feeling like a “Sad Panda”) . . .

Sad Pandas are AWESOME!

 . . .by serenading her with (SURPRISE!) another Fleetwood Mac song.  This one is called “Songbird.”  And it’s lyrics are about as lovey-dovey / mushy gushy as they come . . .

But sexy lesbian serenades are not enough for Brittany.  She wants Santana out of the closet, and she wants her out NOW, dammit!  Of course, Santana is worried that coming out as a lesbian will cause the kids at school to treat her differently. 

So, Brittany offers to come out, HERSELF first, on Fondue for Two, by asking Santana to prom.  Then, Santana can follow suit.  Sounds like a good idea, right? 

WRONG!  Poor Britt gets STOOD UP on webshow night. (She is forced to interview Tubbie Bear on the show, instead.  Maybe she should ask HIM to prom!)  She is then further insulted, upon hearing Santana purposefully starting rumors about her and Karofsky hooking up, sending the Lebanese Dancer even further back into the closet.  “Vote Santofsky for Prom King and Queen,” Santana exclaims, in an interview with McKinley High’s resident Nerd Ball Jacob Ben Israel . . .

Unfortunately, it like our Poor Sad Panda isn’t going to be a Happy Bamboo Chewing One (See, what I did there?) for at least another week . . .

Thank goodness she has such an Attractive Cry Face, or she’d be TOTALLY screwed!

Stakeouts are fun! (But not nearly as fun as Car Sex!)

RACHEL:  “When people go to hotel rooms to have affairs, don’t they usually CLOSE the curtains?  I mean, we can see those people doing it!”

FINN: (distracted) “You know, I’ve never seen that ‘position’ done before.  It looks rather painful.”

RACHEL:  “I think you are right.  Let’s test it out . . . for scientific purposes, I mean.”

Brittana and Bartie-land isn’t the only place where Love Triangle Angst is brewing!  When a blind item in the school paper suggests that Quinn has been seen spending late nights at a Seedy Motel called, conveniently enough, “The American Family Hotel” (haha!) with Sam, Rachel (out of the “goodness of her heart”) offers to accompany Finn on his “stakeout” of the place.  What they find there is THIS . . .

Rachel (who, at the beginning of the episode, asked Sam to prom and was DENIED) is partially relieved, by this recent turn of events.  Now, she can rest assured that Sam is only not interested in her because he is already taken, not because she is unbearably annoying, as was previously thought.  This also gives Rachel the PERFECT opportunity to get into those Finn Hudson Pantalones!  (HOORAY!)

Silly CAMERA angle!  You cut out the best part!

Of course, when Quinn is confronted about this so-called affair, she denies it.  Furthermore, she accuses FINN of cheating on HER with Rachel.  Then again, these three individuals are ALL such chronic cheaters / bed hoppers, you really can’t blame any of them for not trusting one another . . .

Nevertheless, Rachel attempts to prove that SHE is the right woman for the Satisfy Finn Sexually job through . . . you guessed it . . . yet another Fleetwood Mac song . . .

This one is called, “Go Your Own Way” . . .

The plot thickens when, the NEXT NIGHT, Rachel and Finn car f*ck stake out the Seedy Motel again, only to come upon THIS . . .

I smell a Motel Orgy!

So, NOW, of course, Rachel and Finn are convinced that KURT is cheating on Blaine with SAM . . .

“Take my man from me, and I will SWALLOW YOU WHOLE, Trouty Mouth!”

To add further fuel to the fire, Rachel notices that Sam has started  . . . um . . . wearing Kurt’s CLOTHES . . .

 .  . . (but fortunately nothing from his Ugly Hat Collection).

But Quinn insists that Sam is NOT GAY.  So, eventually, Rachel and Finn see no choice but to comfront  Sam directly at Glee practice . . . in front of EVERYBODY.

“They think I’m a TOTAL male whore .  . . AWESOME!”

Sam then proceeds to make Finn and Rachel feel like Absolute and Complete Sh*t, by informing them that, the reason half the cast has been visiting him at the Sleazebag Motel is that he’s been . . . wait for it . . . LIVING THERE!

Say it ain’t so, Trouty Mouth!

As it turns out, Sam’s dad lost his job, which caused Sam’s family to lose their house, which caused Sam to sell ALL HIS CLOTHES, and move in with his ENTIRE family (including two younger siblings) into this fleabag motel. 

As for Quinn and Kurt, they had both learned about this beforehand (Quinn through her Church Group, and Kurt through Sam delivering pizzas at night to Dalton Academy where Kurt and Blaine regularly grabbed midnight snacks, after rousing rounds of Hard Core Sex), and were simply trying to be supportive to their friend, by lending him clothing, and a shoulder to cry on. 

In a rousing finale, the Glee Club bands together to repurchase Sam’s sold guitar back for him.  Together, the group celebrates Sam’s Newfound Poverty with . . . do I even have to say it . . . a FLEETWOOD MAC song.  This one I actually recognized.  It’s called “Don’t Stop” (which should not be confused with that OTHER “Don’t Stop” song the Glee kids sing.  That song’s title, unlike this one, ends with the word, “Believing”)

And that was “Rumours,” in a nutshell.  As you can probably tell from this recap, it wasn’t exactly my favorite episode.  Yet, “Rumours” did feature some incredible acting on the parts of Chord Overstreet (Who knew Trouty Mouth had it in him?), Naya Rivera, and Heather Morris.  And, of course, there was the adorable Lord Tubbington.

I said it once before, but it bears repeating.

Next week’s prom-themed episode, on the other hand, promises to be SUPER exciting, complete with girlfights, romance, weird wardrobe choices, the return of old villains, and, hopefully, NO MORE FLEETWOOD MAC songs!  You can check out the surprisingly intense trailer for the episiode here:

See, ya next time, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Nose Jobs, Cabooseys, and Lebanese Beards – A Recap of Glee’s “Born this Way”

Welcome back to McKinley High, Willy Wonka Kurt!  Oh, how we missed your weird hats and increasingly bizarre wardrobe choices.  May you never be saddled with the ignominy of a school dress code EVER AGAIN!

After last week’s “meh” episode, I think many of us Glee fans were hoping that this week’s Gaga-inspired 90-minute extravaganza would pack enough of an emotional, feel-good, punch to make us forget that “Night of Neglect” ever aired.  And I’m proud to say, for this Gleek, at least, “Born this Way” delivered BIG TIME! 

From the slightly preachy (but still important) overarching theme of acceptance, to the variety of fun and well-produced musical numbers, to the genuinely heartfelt, character-driven moments, this was an episode that hit every single mark that “Night of Neglect” missed. 

So, what are we waiting for?  Grab a chair, put on that unflattering white t-shirt that exposes your deepest darkest insecurities, and let’s get on with the recap!

It’s Booty Camp Time!  (Sorry, Rachel’s Nose.)

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Warning:  Do NOT try this at home!

It’s almost time for Nationals.  And our Glee kids need to work on their dance moves!  This sounds like a job for Mister Schue’s Rump-Shakin’ Booty Camp!

Yep, Will definitely strikes me as one of those people, who always make weird facial expressions, when they dance.  . .

Unfortunately, for one Gleester that shall remain nameless . . .

And shirtless . . .

 The term “dancing” actually means “wobbling around Weeble-style, while flapping your arms impatiently, like a bird who’s too fat to fly.”

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This, of course, is SUPER embarrassing for Finn.  But it’s even more unfortunate for Rachel, who has the bad luck of dancing behind Finn at Booty Camp . . .

If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was laughing at Finn’s dancing . . .

Finn accompanies Rachel to the doctor, who confirms her biggest fear: Her nose is broken.  (Way to go, FINN!)  On the bright side, Doctor Schnoz says this would be a PERFECT opportunity for Rachel to get a nose job to fix her “deviated septum.”  (Isn’t that what they ALL say?)

Finn is completely against the idea of Rachel getting a nose job.  (Then again, he might just be afraid she will ask him to pay for it, since this is, after all, ALL HIS FAULT.)  Rachel, however, upon hearing that having the surgery might actually expand her vocal range, while making her more marketable as an actress, due to her “enhanced appearance,” seems open to the idea .  . .

I smell a Life Lesson approaching . . .

Puffy Pyramid Nipples (and other things we’d like to change about the Glee kids.)

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“Come on Finn!  Let me cop a feel!  My first girlfriend was in love with YOU, and my second one ended up being a lesbian.  You are pretty much my only hope of getting to Second Base, before I graduate.”

Rachel’s Nose Job Dilemma sparks controversy among the Glee kids.  (Riiight, because whether someone chooses to have cosmetic surgery, should TOTALLY be up to the members of their after-school club.)  Heading up Team Schnoz Keeper we have Mr. Schue, Puck, and, of course, Finn. 

 Batting for Team for Team Schnoz Chopper Upper are Mercedes (who believes that the thing that makes you different, is also the one that crushes your spirit) and Santana. 

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In classic Santana Style, the latter proceeds to detail all the things that, according to her, the other Glee kids SHOULD want to change about themselves . . .

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Santana Lopez:  Making people feel like crap, since 1994 . . .

You can always count on Sue Sylvester and Santana Lopez to fulfill Glee‘s weekly quota of Politically Incorrect / Slightly Racist / Definitely Prejudiced jokes.  But since Sue was “absent” this week, Santana got stuck doin the job, all by herself.  Fortunately, she got them all out of the way in a single scene.  Always one for efficiency (I expect she’s this way in bed, as well.  Right Brittany?), Santana potentially offends the entire Asian, Jewish, and “differently abled” population, by calling Tina out, for the shape of her eyes, Rachel, for the size of her nose, and the wheelchair-bound Artie, for the generally not “useful” nature of his legs.

But my favorite diss of all, just so happened to be the one directed at Finn . . . and his “Puffy Pyramid Nipples.”   But Santana didn’t just name Finn’s rare “nipular condition,” she went on to describe it in great detail.  “They look like they’re filled with custard. You could dust them with powdered sugar, and they could pass for some sort of dessert.”

*clears throat*

All this talk about dessert, must have made Trouty Mouth Bieber Wanna Be Sam very horny hungry, because he uses this as an opportunity to fondle Finn’s man boobs.  (See picture at the top of this section.) 

Sam Evans:  Inappropriately grabbing at other people’s nips since 1996.

Since we are already on the topic of equating food with sex . . .

Come on Baby, Pop Scrub my Cherry . . .

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Ever since LAST WEEK, when Will (1) got dumped by Gwyneth Paltrow; and (2) found out that Emma was single again AND had never consummated her marriage to Dr. Carl, he has CLEARLY been putting some serious effort into breaking the wrought iron padlock on Emma Pillsbury’s pantalones!  I mean, why ELSE would he spend multiple lunch hours SCRUBBING EMMA’S FRUIT FOR HER?

 “Rub my raspberries, Will, HARDER . . . HARDER!”

Alas, I think our Schue is starting to get a bit impatient with the virginal object of his affections.  And so, he broaches with Emma the subject of her getting laid professional help for her obsessive compulsive disorder.  Unfortunately, like most addicts, Emma is not quite willing to admit that she has a Sex Grape Washing Problem.  “I wasn’t born this way,” Emma explains, as if that changes ANYTHING!

But WAIT . . . maybe it DOES!

“The Glee kids shouldn’t be insecure about their trouty mouths, eagle beaks, and puffy pyramid nipples!  Because they were BORN THIS WAY,” Will thinks to himself.  (Hey, isn’t that the title of a LADY GAGA SONG?)

“I was born with a slab of raw meat on my head . . .”

And so begins Schue’s quest to teach his Glee kids a lesson about ACCEPTANCE . . . through singing, of course!

Santana Saves the Gay Day!

While most of the Glee kids seem to be struggling with insecurities based on their personal appearance, Santana is coping with a much deeper issue, her closeted homosexuality.  Public labels aside, our Queen B*tch still wants very badly to reunite with the love of her life Brittany, who is still dating Artie.  And, somehow, Santana thinks if she wins the title of Prom Queen, she will also win back Brittany.    But how does someone so HORRIFICALLY MEAN get elected to Prom Queen?  Well, by doing something REALLY nice, of course!

Santana decides that if she wants to win the support of her fellow Gleeks, she needs to get Kurt out of Dalton Academy, and back into New Directions, in time for Nationals.  But to do that, she needs to “tame” Big Bully Karofsky.  When Santana catches Karofsky ogling Sam’s ASS in the hallways at school, she develops an idea . . .

Santofsky?

Santana invites Karofsky out to lunch, and gives it to him “straight.”  “I know you are gay . . . I saw you checking out Sam’s ass,” she tells him matter-of-factly.  Though Karofsky initially denies Santana’s accusations, when she comes out of the closet to HIM, and offers that the two gays be eachother’s “beards,” in order to use their joint popularity to win Prom King and Queen, Karofsky agrees.  Of course, the fact that Santana threatens to OUT the guy in front of the whole school, if he doesn’t comply with her demands, certainly adds to the persuasion aspect.

“I SO want to Slushee you, right now!”

At Santana’s instruction, Karofsky issues a not particularly heartfelt, but VERY convincing, apology to the Glee kids for bullying them all.  He claims to have been “cured” of all meanness, by the love of a good lesbian woman.  Together, Santana and Karofsky vow to put  a stop to bullying in their school, by starting a sort of Anti-Bullying Guardian Angel Association called . . . get this . . . the “Bully Whips,” complete with RIDICULOUS UNIFORMS, who’s flashy hideousness would make Kurt proud . . .

“Those Bully Whips berets are ‘GORGE’, but a bit plain for my taste.  Do you think they come in rainbow colors?”

Speaking of Kurt, in furtherance of Santana’s Master Plan, Karofsky reaches out to him, by way of an apology.  Promptly, another school meeting is called to determine if Kurt feels safe enough under the same roof as Karofsky to return to McKinley High.  Kurt’s awesome dad, Burt, is in attendance . . .

 . . .  as is Doctor Arzt from Lost Karofsky’s dad, Principal Figgins, and the seemingly omnipresent Mr. Schue . . .

After hearing promises from both Karofsky, himself, and the “reformed bully’s” father, that he is a “changed man,” Kurt asks to speak to Karofsky privately.

“You’re not going to try and kiss me again, are you, Karofsky?  Because, in case you haven’t noticed, I have an INSANELY HOT BOYFRIEND, now.  Just sayin.'”

Kurt may be young, but he’s had enough life experience to know bullsh*t, when he smells it.  And so, with some gentle anal probing, Kurt eventually gets Karofsky to come clean about his and Santana’s nefarious plans to rule McKinley High from the inside of a closet.  Kurt is admittedly impressed . . .

“It’s all so deliciously EEEEEVVVIIILLLL!”  Mwah-ha-ha-ha!”

However, Kurt still thinks the viewing audience Karofsky must become educated in the Ways of the Gay.  And so, as a condition of Kurt’s returning to McKinley High, he makes Karofsky promise to start with him a chapter of PFLAG – Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians and Gays.  Karofsky agrees, and the Public Service Announcement Portion of the Episode is almost over.

Cut to the next day, where all the paperwork has miraculously been filed, Burt Hummel received a FULL refund on his MASSIVE private school tuition payment, and Kurt is back at McKinley High . . .  somewhere only he knows . . .

But WAIT!  Blaine is there TOO . . . and so are the REST OF THE WARBLERS!

 “How could that be?  I thought the Warblers were only allowed off campus for musical competitions and select trips to the Gap?”

Random Warbler 1:  “What’s with all these men in long hair, skirts, and makeup?  Is this a Drag Queen School?”

Random Warbler 2:  “Umm, actually . . . I think those are REAL girls.”

Random Warbler 1:  “Blaine?  I have a feeling we are not in Dalton anymore.”

Now, isn’t this sweet?  Blaine, who by now has undoubtedly forced his poor enslaved Warblers to sing for so many of his crushes, they are probably all plotting to kill him in his sleep, has commandeered his posse to sing a fond farewell to erstwhile Dalton-ite Kurt, to the tune of Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know.”

“Hop inside my Extra Large Mouth, and I will take you for a ride you will never forget.”

I’m going to paste a link to this performance here.   Be prepared to be moved to tears, and Ugly Cry Faces . . .

 “I can’t believe Kurt is leaving the Warblers!”

“I can’t believe they didn’t put me in this scene!”

After the song, Kurt gives Blaine one final embrace, before sort of, but not really, saying goodbye to him until 3:00 p.m., when they will meet in Blaine’s bedroom and make sweet, sweet love to one another.

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So, I guess it’s fitting that the next scene features Kurt singing Sunset Boulevard’s “As if We Never Said Goodbye.”  (Although, actually, the song’s lyrics seem to more accurately reflect Kurt’s feelings about McKinley High, than Blaine.)

(To be honest, I was never a big fan of the “Show Tunes,” so I kind of tuned out on this one.  I liked the sentiment though!)

In other news . . .

Follow Your Heart (Not Your Nose.)

So, remember when I told you that Rachel was considering getting a nose job to fix her “deviated septum?”  Well, as it turns out, she doesn’t want just ANY OLD NOSE, she wants Quinn’s nose.  Rachel even goes so far as to invite Quinn with her to her Rhinoplasty consultation, so that Rachel could ascertain what she would look like with Quinn’s nose on her face.  (It’s kind of like that movie Face Off . . . only with less Nicholas Cage.)

Given all that, it makes sense that Quinn and Rachel decided to take time off from fighting over Finn and decided to fight over Puck sing a duet mashup of TLC’s “I Feel Pretty” and Westside Story’s “I Feel Pretty.”  Oh yeah . . . this one made me cry too!

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You can find a link to their performance here.  (Just be sure to have your Kleenex handy!)

It’s not until Rachel passes out PICTURES OF HERSELF wearing her new nose, that Team Schnoz Keeper REALLY starts to up its game.  First, Finn tells Rachel she is beautiful.   (All together now:  “Awwww!”)

thenm, Tina tells Rachel that she has decided to be an Asian Sex Symbol, and proceeds to make out with Mike Chang in front of everyone! 

(OK . . . so that wasn’t really helpful to Rachel.  But, honestly, this is about as useful as we’ve seen these two character be, in the past season and a half.)

Then Puck accosts Rachel in the Lady’s Room to tell her that chopping off her nose would be an affront to Hot Jews EVERYWHERE!

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(BTW, I’ve officially joined the ever-growing ranks of Team Puckleberry.  And I’m proud!)

But what really seems to ultimately change Rachel’s mind about Schnoz-Gate is the possibility of hot sex with fellow Hot Jew, Puck  . . . . The Mall?

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With Kurt’s help, Puck stages a Barbra-vention at the Eagle Rock Plaza Mall in Glendale, California. some mall in Ohio.

 

 

What’s a Barbra-vention, you ask?  Well, basically, it’s a remake of Artie’s Safety Dance Number (which took place at the SAME MALL)  where Puck, Kurt, and a whole bunch of strangers, dance around the food court to Duck Sauce’s song “Barbra Streisand.”

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Rock on, PUCK!

Never heard of the Barbra Streisand song?  Oh, it’s a very eloquent tune . . . and by “eloquent” I mean it contains THREE WORDS (well . . . actually, one name, one consonant, and one vowel).  Please allow me to teach it to you.  It goes, “Woooooooooo Woooooooo, BARBRA STREISAND.”  And . . . that’s it. 

No, I’m NOT kidding you, Damon Salvatore!  It’s actually a pretty good song.  But I must admit, hearing it didn’t make me not want a nose job.  To each his own, I guess . . .

Long story short, Rachel ended up not getting a nose job.  Team Schnoz Keepers, for the WIN . . . and, of course, Barbra Streisand. 

In other sing-y and dance-y news (And, yes, I recognize what a LAME segway that was!), Finn and Mike showed off their respective lack of singing and dancing ability in their performance of Sammy Davis Jr.’s “Gotta Be Me.”  During the performance, Finn sang well and danced REALLY badly, while Mike dance well, but didn’t sing at all.  In other words, it was exactly like EVERY OTHER MUSIC NUMBER IN WHICH MIKE CHANG HAS TAKEN PART SINCE THE PILOT . . .

You can check out a link to the performance here:

(Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t have anything at all against Sammy Davis, Jr., may he Rest in Peace.  But, since this week’s Glee song selection did appear to be a bit 60’s tune heavy, does anybody else think Genesis’ “I Can’t Dance” would have been a slightly modern (and way more fun) choice for this duo?  Just a thought . . .)

But it wasn’t just the students at McKinley High who were staring down their insecurities, Emma Pillsbury was too!

Who’s Down with OCD?  (Yeah, you know Emma!)

(By the way, special thanks MUST go out to the Wemma Love Tumblr for (perhaps unknowingly) helping me out MAJORLY with this recap.  Every awesome Will and Emma GIF you see here, undoubtedly comes from THERE.  So, if Wemma is your SHIP, you now know where to sail . . .)

So, as you recall, Will has spent much of the episode trying to get Emma to admit she’s got a problem with the Excessive Cleanliness Thing, and that it is keeping her from having hot Schue Sex living a happy and productive life.  But when Will encourages Emma to join the rest of the class in making a t-shirt that portrays her biggest insecurity, she DOESN’T (at least, initially) choose “OCD.”  Instead, she chooses . . . THIS . . .

At lunch, Will REALLY lets Emma have it for the whole Ginger / OCD Thing!  In fact, he gets all up her grill with his dirty, unwashed fruit, and accuses her of being an “expert of deflection,” who’s afraid to face her own biggest insecurities.

“My fruits may be dirty, but I assure you that my tongue is very clean.”

The Tough Love seems to work on Emma, who, at Will’s coaxing, seeks professional help for her compulsions, even going as far as to accept medication to minimize their symptoms.  At the end of the episode, Emma DOES find the courage to proudly wear her “OCD” t-shirt.  After getting INSANELY turned on by watching Emma “strip” into said shirt (Dont’ hold your breath Schuester . . . those legs have been closed for 32 years.  And it’s going to take a lot more than some choice words and a pill to pry them open.), Will happily grabs her ungloved (baby steps!) hand, and leads her on to the dance floor.  And, for those of you wondering what WILL’s biggest insecurity is, well . . . wonder no more!

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(It gives the term Butt Face a whole new meaning!)

Speaking of Butt Faces . . . In Lauren Zizes’ news . . .  (I’m sorry, guys.  She just REALLY bugs me.)

Quinn Gets the Sympathy Vote (?)

Now, if you went to (or currently go to) high school with girls like Quinn and Santana, you are probably not surprised that either of these girls has their heart set on Prom Queen.  But you MAY be surprised to hear that Lauren Zizes wants the title as well.  After all, she was Little Miss Toddler’s in Tiaras back when she was three.  So clearly, she has the pedigree for the job . . .

Being the Whipped Puppy he seems to become, everytime he comes within three feet of Zizes, Puck decides to help Lauren win the crown.

PUCK:  “Hey, Selfish!  Ever think of doing something for ME, for a change?”

LAUREN:  “Oh, you’re still here?  I could have sworn our characters would be broken up by now.”

PUCK: “Word.”

Initially, Lauren actually looks like she has a good shot at winning the title.  After all, she’s clearly a fan favorite among the outcasts and misfits.  But then, Lauren has to go and fight dirty, by digging up an old picture of Quinn from her middle school days, and posting it all over the school . . .


Ummm .  . . yeah, so apparently Quinn’s real name is “Lucy”, and she used to be (gasp!) not-so-hot.  She also was given the unfortunate nickname Lucy Caboosey, by some of her crueler classmates.  So, when it came time to go to high school, Quinn changed schools . . . and her name . . . and her NOSE (How do ya like them apples, Rachel?)  She also, obviously, went on a MAJOR starvation diet.  And that’s how Quinn became the shallow biatch we know and love(?) today. 

Well, of course, Quinn is MORTIFIED to have this intel out in the open . . .

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As luck (and karma) would have it, however, Lauren’s plan to ruin Quinn’s chances at becoming Prom Queen end up backfiring!

(I know!  I can’t believe I’m actually rooting for Quinn, either!  I guess my frustration with Glee’s recent Zizes Overload does this to me.)

Once the school sees what Quinn USED to look like, they instinctively find her more likeable and relatable.  Suddenly, she’s gone from being someone to despite and envy, to an Inspirational Figure.  (Take THAT, ZIZES!) 

In a sweet final moment of the episode, Finn turns to girlfriend, Quinn, and shows him the Lucy Caboosey picture he now keeps in his wallet.  “This is the only picture I have of you, where I can really see you,” he explains.  

Then they makeout . . .

 . . . which kind of makes me want to go dig up photographs of MY AWKWARD STAGE (assuming I’m not still in it), so that I can show  incriminating pictures of myself to hot boys, and they will start making out with ME too!  (Hey, it could happen!)

Born this Way . . .

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Moments before the final dance number of the evening, which, as promised by The Schue at the beginning of the episode, is to the tune of Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way,” we get to see what everybody put on their Insecurities T-shirts.  I think my favorite of these came from Brittany (who’s shirt said “I’m with Stoopid, with an arrow pointing to her head) and Puck (who’s shirt ALSO said “I’m with Stoopid, with an arrow pointing to his other head).  L

ess impressive was Artie’s shirt that said “Four Eyes” (Zzzzz), and Tina’s shirt that said “Brown Eyes”  (Really?  Because, last I checked, THREE QUARTERS of the population has those).  Here are is a composite of the rest of the Gleek’s shirts .  . .  (Thanks oddles, GLEEIFS Tumblr!)

Not taking part in the dance number is a pouty Santana, who is still lodged firmly in the closet, despite the fact that Brittany made her a “Lebanese” t-shirt.  (Get it?  Lebanese?  Don’t forget, this is Brittany we are talking about here!)

Santana: You don’t get a say in who I date anymore.
Brittany: Why not? Because I’m dating somebody? Because you’re Lebanese, and I think I’m bi-curious?
Santana: No, because I said I love you. You didn’t say you love me back.
Brittany: I do love you.  Clearly, you don’t love you as much as I do, or you’d put this shirt on, and you would dance with me.

Wait . . . did she say “dance?”

Although there was no Horizontal Mambo for Brittana this week, there was a final tribute to Lady Gaga.  And you can enjoy it, in all its “Be Yourself” Glory, by clicking on this external link:

So, my fellow Gleeks . . . tell me . . . what’s on YOUR Insecurities T-shirt? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

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You Can’t Win ‘Em All! – A Recap of Glee’s ” A Night of Neglect”

Hey, Mike Chang .  . . wanna become be a LESS neglected Glee club member?  Here’s a hint: WEAR LESS CLOTHING!

Welcome back, Gleeks!  Has this most recent Glee hiatus left you feeling neglected . . . unappreciated . . . used up and tossed out, like a snotty old tissue? 

Well, then, you are in luck!  Because this week’s installment of Glee is all about that oh-so-familiar feeling of being left out, passed over, chewed up, and spit out.  Talk about a  “Feel Good Episode!”

So, ball up those tissues.  Break out the comfort food.  And crank up the volume on that SUPER depressing song on your iPOD.  Because it’s time for “A Night of Neglect.”

Brother, can you spare a dime?

“Goodbye, money!  It was nice knowing you!”

So, remember the Super Bowl Episode, when the Cheerios, upon losing their national competition, also lost their ENTIRE extracurricular activity budget, in favor of the Glee club?  And then remember how, for about 3 episodes or so, the normally cash-strapped Glee kids suddenly had enough money, not only to travel to Regionals, but also to purchase massively expensive rotating sectional sofas to use as props for their in-school performances about the dangers of alcohol abuse?

Blame it on the alcohol . . . and a REALLY dumb plotline.

Ummm . .  . yeah, well, apparently, the idea of the Glee club actually having enough CASH to attend Nationals was “inconvenient,” for purposes of this plot.  Therefore, the writers had to find some way to make the Glee kids poor again, thereby forcing them to hold the “fundraiser” around which this episode revolved.  So, the writers decided to have Sue steal the money, and reroute it into an “off-shore bank account.”  SURPRISE!

“Just call me Sue ‘The Scapegoat’ Sylvester . . . everybody else does!”

And yet, assuming Sue HAS all this money (and can use a portion of it on her “precious Cheerios”) why is she even bothering sabotaging the Glee kids (AGAIN), in the first place? 

Of course, to even try and answer this question, would require attributing something to this show that it clearly DOESN’T have . . . continuity.  So, we will just move on from here, OK?

Anywhoo . . . so not only do the Glee kids need cash, but the McKinley High Smarty Pants, an Academic Decathalon Team, which, surprisingly, is made up ENTIRELY of Gleeks (Aren’t ALL after-school activities, on this show?) needs money too!  This gives Will and his temporary guest star new girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow Holly Holiday the idea to raise money for BOTH after-school activities by (1) selling saltwater taffy; and (2) putting on a benefit concert with, a theme that is very near and dear to both club’s hearts: LOSERS . .  . er . . . I mean . . . “neglected artists.”

*sings*  “Soy un perdedor!  I’m a neglected artist, baby!  So, why don’t you KILL ME?”

Volunteering to perform at the event is Vocal Adrenaline Star, Sunshine Corazon, who has “600 twitter followers,” but still claims that she knows how it feels to be “neglected,” because she is “so very short” and “a much better singer than everybody else.” 

Despite having been burned before, by a member of Vocal Adrenaline, who also supposedly possessed a burning desire to “help out the Enemy” . . .

. . . the Glee kids ultimately let Sunshine audition for the benefit.  After all, they are Ridiculously Stupid, very much in need of the audience members Sunshine promises to bring with her to the venue.

“SUCKERS!”

In what was BY FAR the most riveting performance of the evening, Sunshine sings Celine Dion’s extremely-over played, but STILL fabulous, “All By Myself.”  During her rendition, Sunshine captures the heart of a Very Special Gleek . . .

“Nice knowing, ya, Zizes!  It’s going to be a bright SUNSHINE-y day, without you!”

“Dump me for the Munchkin, and I will LITERALLY eat you for breakfast, PUCKERMAN!”

Check out Sunshine’s spectacular performance (not to mention Puck’s SUPER mushy response to it) here; and you will see EXACTLY what I mean  . . .

Welcome to the Legion of Doom!

 While the Glee kids are hard at work preparing for their Night of Neglect, Sue Sylvester is just as hard at work, making sure it fails miserably.  Except, this time, Sue is not alone in her Nefarious Plotting of this Week’s Evil Deeds.

(Seriously?  Can Sue BE any more of a cartoon villain?  Next thing you know, she will be petting a bald cat, perfecting her Evil Laugh, and blabbering on about World Domination.)

Helping Sue to destroy Glee club, this week, are former New Directions’ advisor, Sandy Ryerson . . .

Nice CAPE, Asshat!

 . . . Vocal Adrenaline Coach, Dustin Goolsby . . .

News Flash:  You are INDOORS!  Take off the sunglasses, Vampire LeDouchebag!

 . . . and Will’s ex-wife, and FAKE Baby Mama, Terri . . .

She’s baaaaaaaack!

For such an “impressive” group of Super Villains, the Leagion of Dooms’ schemes to foil the Night of Neglect actually end up being disappointingly LAME.  These plans include having Charise and her “600 Twitter Followers” ditch the benefit, at the last minute . . .

“That’s what you get for sending me to ‘audition’ at a Crack House, B*TCHES!”

 . . . trying (and FAILING) to break up Will’s relationship with Holly . . .

“WTF?”

(Of course, she ended up leaving, ANYWAY . . .)

 . . . and hiring a team of “Hecklers” to make fun of Tina’s performance of Lykke Li’s “I Follow Rivers.”

Most Random . . . Team . . . of . . . Hecklers .  . . EVER!

(And yet, they still managed to make Poor Tina CRY . . . THOSE BASTARDS!)

Which reminds me, is anybody else curious as to why Poor Tina’s musical performances always seem to end with her bawling her eyes out?  (“My Funny Valentine,” anyone?)

As for Tina’s real life “Funny Valentine,” he danced at the benefit to Jack Johnson’s “Bubble Toes,” which made me smile . . . both because I love Jack Johnson . . . and because “Bubble Toes” are just adorably SILLY!

This would have been a whole lot more appropriate, if Mr. Bubble Toes danced barefoot . . . and shirtless.

Granted, it was a bit disappointing that no one actually SANG  the Jack Johnson song, as I think that might have been a nice addition to the performance.  (After all, unlike, most of the other artists featured in this episode, Jack Johnson actually IS a neglected artist, one who is often vastly underappreciated for his unique talents . . . at least, in my humble opinion.) 

I’d say Tina could have sang the “little ditty.”  But she was still crying at the time, and, therefore, would have inevitably converted the song from “Bubble Toes” to Blubbering ones  . . .

Speaking of blubbering . . .

Like a Virgin, Touched (with a Glove) for the Very FIRST Time!

No Glove . . . No LOVE, BABY!

After having experienced so much progress in recent months, it was disheartening to see Poor Emma having fallen completely off the OCD-wagon again, this week.  Recognizing that OCD sufferers tend to see their symptoms worsen in times of extreme stress (AWWW!  He’s been doing RESEARCH on her condition!  He SO Luuuuuves HER!), Will gently asks Emma what happened. 

“Carl’s gone.  He asked for an annulment, which, I guess, he’s entitled to, since we never actually consummated our marriage,” Emma explains dejectedly.

(Oh, the judge must have LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF, when he heard that one!)

“Have MER-CY!”

“How old do you have to be, to look back on your life, with nothing but regret?  Is 32-too young?”  Emma asks sadly.

Knowing an “opening” (See what I did there?), when he sees one, Will sweetly vows to help Emma through this “rough patch” in her life.  To “seal the deal,” he even goes as far as to put on a condom a pair of sterilized gloves . . .  Yep, he’s a slick one, that Schuester! 

Holly takes another Holiday (and this one may be permanent) 

Watching the aforementioned exchange from a nearby window, Holly Holiday already knows she’s been replaced.  But, to her credit, rather than stomping off in a Rachel Berry-like fury, the “adult” Holly sticks around to teach the kids an “important lesson” on the dangers of online (and in-person) heckling. 

(Awww, that was great, Holly!  Without your preachy and super annoying inspired speech I would have NEVER known that it was mean and hurtful to . . . be MEAN and HURTFUL to people.  Thank you, for showing me the light!)

Other examples of the not-at-all obvious teachings of Holly Holiday . . .

Holly also performs Adele’s Turning Tables” at the Night of Neglect Benefit . . .

Riiiiiiight . . . because the young chart-topping female / international music sensation is PRECISELY who I think of, when I hear the words “neglected artist.”

At the end of the episode, Holly sadly admits the following:  (1) She has taken a substitute teacher position in Cleveland, and is therefore, leaving town and the showASAP;

(2) she knows Will and Emma are in love with one another, which makes it kind of inconvenient for her to continue being Will’s F*&k Buddy girlfriend; and

(3) she promises to return the next time she has a film project to promote sometime soon.

“You go and POP that Cherry WILL!  Pop it ONCE AND FOR ALL!  Do it for ME!  Do it for America!”

Speaking of people who are about to DO IT . . .

I’m always chasing Klaine-bows (and so is Karofsky, apparently)

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My favorite non-musical moment from the episode, BY FAR, was Kurt’s and Blaine’s visit to McKinley High to support their friends’ benefit.  Upon hearing Kurt reminisce about the school, Blaine realizes immediately that Kurt misses public school, and all the friends he’s made there.  Unfortunately, this sappy sweet moment is interrupted by the magical “surprise” appearance of Karofsky, who was pining over Kurt, dancing to “Bubble Toes”, rocking out to Adele “lifting weights,” when he overheard the new out-and-PROUD couple strolling the halls of McKinley.

In a swoon-worthy move, Blaine, who knows full well about Karofsky’s homophobic self-hatred, and how it ultimately resulted in Kurt having to switch schools, stands up to the much larger Football Player . . . even going as far as to give him a REALLY HARD PUSH!

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But, then, just when it seems as though a fight is about to break out in the halls of McKinley High, Santana, of all people, steps in to SAVE THE DAY!

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Recalling a time, in the not-so-distant past, when Karofsky had the GALL to SLUSHEE SANTANA, of all people . . .

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OH NO HE DIDN”T!

 . . . Santana positions herself squarely in front of Karofsky, and begins to tell him, once and for all, how things are going to be, from now on. 

 “See, here’s whats gonna go down. Two choices, you stay here, and I crack one of your nuts, right or left, that’s your choice. Or you walk away, and live to be a douchebag, another day. And, also, I have razorblades in my hair. Mmm-hmmm.  Tons, all up in there,” monologues Santana, in a moment that is positively FILLED with Awesome!

“If I wasn’t gay and secretly in love with Kurt, I’d be SO attracted to you, right now!”

What’s better, after hearing Santana’s not necessarily idle threats, Karofsky ACTUALLY walks away! 

 

(Little do these two individuals know just how much in common they actually have with one another!)

Symbolism and foreshadowing aside, it was really nice to see Santana come to Kurt’s aid, the way she did this week.  It shows fans just how far her character has come from the one-note villainess she once was, back in early Season 1 . . .

Speaking of characters who have come far . . .

Rachel teaches Mercedes the TRUE meaning of DIVA . . .

Of all the members of New Directions, perhaps, no character has been more outspoken about feeling neglected than Mercedes.  And yet, as Lauren Zizes perceptively points out, though she may gripe and complain EXTREMELY OFTEN, Mercedes will ALWAYS inevitably cede the spotlight to Rachel.  So, Lauren comes up with this ridiculous plan for Mercedes to ask for all these STUPID DIVA REQUESTS (A puppy to wipe her face on?  Being carried out on stage in a Lady Gaga-inspired egg?), so that her Glee club mates know that she’s important.

Oddly enough, for a little while, anyway, this dumb ass plan seems to work, with Rachel Finn and Quinn rushing around like crazy to fulfill all of Mercedes whimsical desires . . .

But when Mercedes refuses to perform at the Benefit, it is Rachel who follows her into the parking lot in the rain and stabs her to death sets her straight . . .

“Diva demands don’t make you famous,” explains Rachel (and she would KNOW!).  “Having talent does!”

“So, why are you a bigger star than ME!”  Mercedes whines.

“Because the writers always give ME all the big solos and romantic storylines.  “Because I care more about being famous, than about being liked.  Everyone LIKES you,” Rachel explains, “Except for NOW, because NOW you are being a TOTAL ASSHOLE!” 

Ultimately, Rachel concedes the closing number at the benefit to Mercedes, who sings her idol Aretha Franklin’s “Ain’t No Way,” to an adoring crowd.  (OK, so have we just TOTALLY dispatched with the theme of “neglected artists” now?  First ADELE, and now, ARETHA?  Who’s next, U2?  The Beatles?)

Of all people, Glee club nemesis, Sandy Ryerson, is SO touched by Mercedes performance, that he conveniently decides to defect from the Legion of Doom, and give all the money from his illegal drug sales to the Glee club and the Academic Decathaletes!

The random guest star has been REDEEMED!  HOORAY!  (It’s just too bad no one can redeem that outfit he’s wearing.  Because that thing is HIDEOUS!)

Now, with Dustin and Sandy having totally FAILED at breaking up the Glee club, it’s up to Sue and Terri to finish what they started.    *Sigh*  Here we go again . . .

Oh, and did I mention that the “McKinley Smarty Pants,” led by Brittany (and her bizarrely Rainman-esque knowledge of cat diseases) went on to win the Academic Decathalon, thanks to the MOST RANDOM GAMESHOW CATEGORY EVER? 

Oh, Holly Holiday . . . you and your WEIRD costumes . . . and your bizarre weekly historical tidbits . . . about women with Man-Hands who Loved Hitler!  Now that you are really gone, I may actually end up missing you, after all!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Bye, Bye Birdie! Hello Nationals! – A Recap of Glee’s “Original Songs”

KURT:  “Here lies My Virginity, which you will be taking from me, about twenty minutes after the final credits roll on this episode.”

BLAINE: “That’s your Virginity?  I didn’t expect it to look so .  . . small.”

KURT:  “If you don’t like it, I’d be more than happy to give it to Karofsky.”

BLAINE:  “No . . . NO!  It’s beautiful!  I’ll take it!”

Talk about a JAM-PACKED Glee episode!  This week’s installment featured, no less than TWELVE SONGS (I’m still not sure how they managed to squeeze a plot in there!), a Regionals Competition, a funeral, a Sue Sylvester knockout, and possibly one of the most eagerly anticipated makeout sessions this show has EVER SEEN!

So much drama . . . so much music . . . so much trouty mouth, and big ass . . . heart!  We better get started now, or we will be here ALL NIGHT!

(Note:  All the YouTube Videos with the words “pixtiny.com” on the bottom, are not fully embedded.  So, just click on the internal links to view them.  The rest of the videos I included should play directly from this site.)

Kurt . . . is . . . in MIS-ERY!  (And there’s only one person who could comfort him.)

“That’s MEEEEEEEE!”

The episode begins at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Dalton Academy, where the Warblers are, once again, bopping around their choir room awkwardly, like this . . .

(Seriously, these guys REALLY need to rethink their choreography!)

 . . . while their fearless leader, Harry Potter Blaine No-Last-Name-Yet, leads them in a rousing rendition of Maroon 5’s Misery, a song who’s original version has been in high rotation on my iPod FOREVER since it was released last summer.  Misery is pretty much your basic run-of-the-mill Warbler fare.  It doesn’t look or sound too different from When I Get You Alone or Bills, Bills, Bills or any other ditty we’ve heard come out of Blaine’s luscious lips, this season (more on THOSE later).  But since I absolutely adore this song, they get a Free Pass on that from me . . . 

Now, while I may have given the Warblers a Free Pass on Misery, Kurt most certainly did not.  I actually gave a little standing ovation from my couch, when Young Hummel finally called out the love of his life for being the Rachel Berry of Dalton Academy.  “Your solos are breathtaking . . . they are also .  . . numerous.  Sometimes I feel less like I’m part of the Warblers, and more like a backup singer for Blaine and the Pips,” Kurt snarks.

“Oh, NO you didn’t!”

Oh, yes, Mr. Schue!  HE WENT THERE!  And, can I just say, it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME!  Blaine looked a bit shocked at being called out in this way.  But, to his credit, he neither denied what Kurt said, nor issued any sort of rebuttal.  In fact, he actually seemed fairly impressed that SOMEONE in his group would have the guts to say this to him . .  .

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DADDY LIKE!

But, alas, all is not well in Hogwarts Dalton Land!  Voldemort has arrived!  The Warbler’s prized little mascot, Pavarotti, seems to have flapped his little yellow wings for the very last time . . .

“WTF Glee!  You can’t kill me off, NOW!  I was just two tweets away from getting my SAG card!  Now I have to wait for them to make Angry Birds into a movie . . .

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I did actually shed a tear or two for Pavarotti.  This, when you think about it, is kind of ridiculous, considering the bird in question only actually appeared on-screen twice throughout the entire season.  The rest of the time, he was nothing more than a yellow cotton ball in a Burberry-covered cage . . .  And yet,  Kurt has carried around that cage for half a season now!   In fact, I’m pretty sure if there was a “Warbler Kurt” Doll, it would come with Pavarotti, as an accessory.  So, when that little yellow cotton ball died, a part of Kurt died right along with it . . .

“I wish the Will Doll came with an accessory!”

Stricken with grief over the unexpected loss of Pavarotti, Kurt interrupts a Warbler song meeting, and requests that he be allowed to sing a song in the dead bird’s honor.  The song he chooses is the Beatles’ “Blackbird.”  Admittedly, this is a strange choice of song for two reasons: (1) Pavarotti was obviously not “black,” he was “yellow;” and (2) when it was originally written, the song “Blackbird” was meant to serve as a metaphor for the Civil Rights Movement, as opposed to being taken  . . . um .  . . literally.  And yet, considering the alternatives, I think this was the best song choice Kurt could have made.  Because if he had, instead, started belting out “Bye Bye Birdie” a la Sal Romano from Mad Men, THAT would have been super inappropriate . .  .

And yet . . . at the same time . . . REALLY FUNNY!

Did I mention that Kurt showed up to sing his tweet-alicious solo, dressed like a cross between Elvis, Johnny Cash, and Christian Siriano from Project Runway?

Fierce!”

Of course, the song was beautiful!  As we learned from his rendition of “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” a few months back, Chris Colfer interprets Beatles songs like no other.  But, for me, the most amazing thing about this number, was the way Blaine responded to it. 

 Most of us wait our entire lives to have someone look at us, with the kind of love and admiration that was on display here.  I must admit, watching Blaine come to the realization that he was now, and had always been, totally and completely in love with Kurt, was enough to melt my snarky, cynical, and almost criminally unromantic heart . . .

Prepare to be awwwwwwwwww-ed!

Shortly thereafter, the Warblers’ hold their meeting regarding which two songs Blaine they will perform at Regionals.  At the meeting, Kurt shocks everyone, by suggesting that, instead of Blaine singing both songs all by himself (while the rest of the group does the Pee-Pee Dance behind him and hums) why not include  . . .  a duet?

Blaine then pipes in and suggests that he sing the duet with . . . Kurt.

The Warblers’ put it to a vote.  And, since none of these Cute Musical Robots have been programmed to do anything aside from hum, do the pee-pee dance, and agree with everything Blaine says, they almost unanimously vote to let Blaine and Kurt du-et with eachother. .  .  (Get it?  Du-et?   Sounds like do  . . . nevermind.)

BLAINE: “If Pavarotti the Animatronic Bird has had more speaking lines than you, this season, please raise your hand.”

While “practicing” for his duet with Blaine, Kurt gets up the courage to ask his soon-to-be-Boy-Toy, why he chose to sing the duet with him, rather than one of the older Warblers.  Blaine then sits down next to Kurt, and looks intently at him, with those big brown teddy bear orbs of his.  “There is a moment,” he begins, when you look at someone, and think, ‘Oh, there you are!  I’ve been looking for you forever.’  Yesterday, when you sang Blackbird, that was a moment for me . . . about you.”

This is the second time, in a single hour, that Blaine managed to give me chills.  The way that Blaine then bent over to kiss Kurt . . .  the way Kurt gently, and then more aggressively, grabbed Blaine’s face with his right hand . . . the way the pair looked at one another in complete awe and wonderment, after it was over, before going back  in for seconds . . . it was all . . .  MAGICAL.  There is just no other way to describe it . . .

WATCH!  I dare you not to be moved . . .

BURT:  “I bet you are glad I gave you that sex talk NOW, aren’t you, son?  Now, give me back my PAMPHLETS!”

Meanwhile, back at McKinley High . . .

Rachel is the Only Berry on Her Family Tree (and Quinn is just a B*tch).

Rachel is still trying to write an original song about something that doesn’t involve head gear.  Her second performance for Finn, is entitled “Only Child.”  In it, Rachel decries the horror, of never being able to sleep in bunk beds, and being the “only Berry on her family tree.” 

Yes, it was a LAME song.  (I, for one, prefer “My Headband.”)  And yet, as an only child, myself . . . I must say, I can relate!  (I always REALLY wanted a bunk bed . .  . before I learned how hard they are to climb to the top of, while inebriated.  Thanks, College!)

While Finn is not-so-subtly telling Rachel, that this is “Strike Two” on the Original Song attempts, Quinn is watching from a distance, plotting a Massive Rachel Take Down of Mean Girls Proportions.  After all, Quinn NEEDS TO BE PROM QUEEN!  And she NEEDS FINN IN ORDER TO DO IT . . . 

(Ughhh!  Can someone please knock this ho-bag up, again?  I’m tired of Evil Quinn, or, as Finn calls her, “Scary Quinn.”  I want Insecure Baby Bump Quinn BACK!)

“My Precious!”

Careful, Quinn!  This guy wanted to be Prom Queen too.   And look what happened to HIM!

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”  That’s the motto Quinn decides to live by, when she supports Rachel’s renewed request that New Directions perform original songs at Regionals.  Quinn even offers to help Rachel come up with a new song!

Except, when the two do finally start to write, and Rachel asks Quinn whether she and Finn are back together, Quinn shows her true colors, by telling Rachel that she is not meant to be with Finn.  Apparently, Quinn has given this A LOT of thought, because she then launches into this whole future scenario for Quinn and Finn.  She becomes a real estate agent in Lima.  Finn takes over Burt Hummel’s car repair business.  And the pair live in town, raising lots of not particularly intelligent Fuinn babies.  

Hey, remember when Quinn dumped Puck, because she thought he was nothing more than a “Lima Loser,” and SHE wanted to leave town with Finn, so she could move on to Bigger and Better Things?  NO?  That’s OK.  Apparently . . . neither does Quinn!

“Like most of the characters on this show, I have a rare disease, which prevents me from having any short term memory whatsoever, beyond the current episode.  Remember Drew Barrymore’s character in 50 First Dates?  I’m kind of like her.”

Upon hearing that she doesn’t fit in with the Finn, and the rest of the Lima Losers, Rachel runs out of the room crying, when she should really be jumping for joy . . .

“YAY for ME and my eventual meteoric rise to fame (and subsequent stint in rehab, at age 21)!”

Inspired by her sadness, Rachel rushes home to write a song for Regionals . . .

Meanwhile, back in the Choir Room .  . .

Trouty Mouth?  Big Ass Heart?   HELL-TO THE NO!

“Back up off me or I’ll EAT YOUR FACE OFF with my Supposedly Mondo Mouth which really isn’t that big, at all!”

Rachel isn’t the only Glee kid attempting to write an original song.  Santana writes one herself, in an attempt to prove to Brittany that, after the latter rejected her for Artie, she is now “safely” back in the closet. 

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Except, the song that Santana chooses, while tauting itself as a “love song” to her “boyfriend,” actually has the unintended effect of proving just how attracted to boys Santana ISN’T.  The song is called “Trouty Mouth.” And its lyrics, more or less, compare poor Sam’s lips to every kind of fish and slimy amphibian featured in a high school science book . . .

“Now, THAT’S offensive!”

For his original song, Puck serenades his lover girl Lauren with yet ANOTHER fat song. 

“You’re DEAD, PUCKERMAN!”

Except, this time, he’s talking about Lauren’s heart . . . her Big ASS Heart.  Admittedly, it’s a sweet song.  The lyrics are REALLY clever.  And Puck’s sultry singing voice, never fails to cause my panties to drop on the floor, every time I hear it.  The only problem is that Lauren Zizes, DOESN’T have a Big Ass Heart . . . at least not from what we’ve seen, which makes this . . . just another thinly-veiled song about her large girth, after all. 

But, hey!  It’s Puck!  And he’s hot!  So, we forgive him!

“I get away with EVERYTHING!”

Then, Mercedes sings “Hell-To the NO!” 

And it’s EXACTLY the kind of awesome song you would except this character to write and sing.  No further explanation is required, really!

Brittany didn’t write an orignal song.  But she informed us that her favorite song of all time is “My Headband” by diva songstress Rachel Berry.  (Woah!  Who’d have thought that Brittany, of all people, would be the character on the show with best memory for stuff that’s happened in past episodes.)

Finally, Will helps the Glee kids brainstorm a song idea based on their collective hatred for Sue Sylvester.

It’s entitled “Loser Like Me.”

It’s Regionals TIME!

The day has come for the New Directions, The Warblers, and Aural Intensity to perform at Regionals.  They will be judged by Kathy Griffin, whose playing some sort of weird amalgamation of Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, and Michelle Bachmann.  You’ve gotta love how Fox (a.k.a. Republican TV), by nature of Glee being one of its most successful shows, was forced to make fun of nearly all of it’s female mascots in a single hour of television!  It’s just too bad Kathy G. wasn’t particularly funny in this role  . . .

“Oops!”

Also judging the competition is Loretta Devine, who appears to be playing some sort of take off on Whoopie Goldberg’s character from those old Sister Act movies.  A cute idea .  . . but . . . also not really funny.

Taking into consideration the seemingly “ultra-conservative” bent of the judges, Aural Intensity, led by none other than Sue Sylvester, perform the song, “Jesus is my Friend,” while holding hands, and morphing into the formation of various religious symbols.

Umm .  . . yeah.  I don’t have much to say about that.

We didn’t get to hear Aural Intensity’s second number, but I strongly suspect it was something off the Sister Act soundtrack . . .

Next up, are the Warblers.  Kurt and Blaine perform a very sweet, and romantically charged, if not particularly energetic, rendition of Hey Monday’s “Candles.”

And then, because, apparently, the world would EXPLODE if the Warblers entered into a competition, wherein Blaine did not get AT LEAST one entire song to himself, Blaine sings Pink’s “Raise Your Glass,” another song in high rotation on my iPod.  (Hey Blaine!  Call me!  We can swap mix tapes!) 

As usual, Darren Criss does a nice job with this song.  And yet, I kind of wish New Directions had sung it instead.  The thing is . . . for me . . . the Warblers . . . with their Pee Pee Dances, and their Hogwarts Jackets . . .  just seem a bit too straight-edge to properly convey the angsty “I Don’t Give a F*&k!” attitude of this Anthem to Outsiders.  But don’t take my word for it . . .

New Directions are up last.  For the first number, Rachel sings the song that Quinn’s evilness, and her unabiding and inexplicable love for Finn have presumably inspired within her, “Get it Right.”

As she sings, Finn watches from backstage, and gives Rachel EXACTLY the same “I can’t live without you” look that Blaine gave Kurt earlier in the episode . . .

Don’t worry, Quinn.  Knowing Finn (and Glee), Douche-Boy will be BACK in love with YOU again in two episodes, tops . . . (Man this love triangle is getting annoying!)

I have to laugh when, about HALF WAY through this number, Kurt turns to Blaine and whispers, “Wow, they are doing Original Songs.”  (Seriously?  It took you THAT LONG to figure this out, Kurt?  Sex with Blaine must be killing your BRAIN!)

“Where am I?  Is this Sectionals?  Why aren’t I on stage?  I’m part of New Directions too!  Aren’t I?”

The Glee kids’ second song is the Sue Sylvester-inspired “Loser Like Me,” which could more or less, be Glee‘s theme song . . . if the show actually had one.   The number even features confetti-filled slushees, and lots of folks making the “L” sign on their foreheads . . .

Back in the audience, Kurt (who, just five minutes ago, DIDN”T EVEN KNOW  thathis friends were performing “Original Songs”) magically has the foresight to pass out props that are completely appropriate for this particular musical number.  Go figure!

“Hey Blaine, I plan to use this on you after the competition.  Pretty kinky, right?”

After virtually no deliberation, and no explanation whatsoever as to which teams come in second and third . .  .  SURPRISE . . . New Directions wins Regionals!!!!

So, Sue punches out the Governor’s Wife on stage, because . . . oh, who the heck knows!

The episode ends with the New Directions hugging an ecstatic and tearful Rachel for her remarkable dual performance, while Kurt and Blaine bury Pavarotti, clasp hands, and walk off together into the sunset to have hours and hours of hot monkey sex in Kurt’s bedroom . . .

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And that’s what you missed, on Glee . . .

Next stop, NATIONALS!  See you then, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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I Wanna Sex Ed You Up! – A Recap of Glee’s “Sexy”

During the last episode of Glee, we learned that alcohol is fun.  But if you drink it at school, you WILL projectile vomit all over your friends in a public setting.  And if you drink too much of it, you will drunk dial your ex, or, maybe, accidentally, your greatest enemy, and tell them that you were thinking about boning them, while riding a bull . . .

This week, we learned that sex is fun.  But there are “feelings” involved.  And you shouldn’t make sex tapes, if you are under 18.  Oh, also, wear condoms.  Because everyone has . . . a “RANDOM.”

And they said Glee wasn’t educational!

So, slip into something “more comfortable,” dim the lights, and snuggle up under the covers, with you know WHO . . .

 . . . because it’s time to get “Sexy.”

You Put Your Chastity Charm WHERE?

The episode begins at a meeting of the McKinley High Chastity Club . . . well, I use the term “club” loosely.  Since, at least at the beginning of the episode, the “club” only has three members.  And one of those members pretty much gets humped at least twice every episode . . .

Those balls won’t be blue for LONG!

Emma, the MARRIED 30-year old sex abstainer, seems vehement about fellow members, Rachel and Quinn, avoiding sexual activity for as long as humanly possible.  (Hate to break it to you, Emma.  But for the GIRL WHO HAD A BABY, that ship has sailed . .  . around the world . . . three times . . . and sank into the ocean.)  The problem with Emma’s celibacy speech, is that it seems less designed to keep her students safe, and more designed to keep them virginal, simply so SHE doesn’t feel “left out.”

More inspired than Emma’s speech, however, are the “chastity charms” she gives members of the Celibacy Club, and, it seems, anyone else who wants one.  The charms feature a heart-shaped locket and a key.  Of course, Emma is horrified when she learns that the charms are being used as nipple rings . . .

“Omigod!  They look like cow udders!”

Really, McKinley High students?  Because, honestly, I can think of a WAY more appropriately symbolic place to hang your chastity charm than on your boob, if you catch my drift . . .

In the student lounge at lunch time, Emma complains to Will and Beiste about the alarming sluttiness of the student body.  Cue the very slutty entrance of Holly Holiday a.k.a Gwyneth Paltrow a.k.a. McKinley High’s New Substitute Sex Ed Teacher . . .

Now, cue the 21-Gun Salute that takes place in Will’s pants . . .

Like Emma, Holly is also concerned with her students’ relationship with sex, namely, their lack of knowledge about it.  Through a flashback, we see Holly showing her class how to put a condom on a cucumber.  “Wait . . . cucumbers can give me AIDS?” Finn inquires nervously.

Beware the Evil Aids-Giving Cucumber.

Emma and Holly then get into an argument about the proper way to teach kids about sex.  Emma believes in NOT teaching them, and, instead, preaching abstinence.  Holly argues that celibacy for teens and married 30-year old guidance counselors is simply not realistic.  However, if you are open and honest with students about sex, they can make better decisions relating to it.  Holly then tells the crew that she is “off to have crazy sex, because she is crazy informed about it.”

Upon hearing this, Will gets down on all fours, and starts panting like a dog . . .

Schuester LIKE!

OH NO!  NOT ANOTHER PREGNANCY STORYLINE!  Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.

Back at school, Santana wants to spend an evening sharing Lady Kisses and watching Sweet Valley High with Brittany, even though I’m pretty sure that show hasn’t been on television in about 10 years.  (Maybe one of the Glee writers was a fan?)  But, unfortunately, Britt can’t hang, because she thinks she’s pregnant . . .

“OH NO, NOT AGAIN!”

Of course, rumors of Britt’s Shocking Pregnancy spread around the Glee club, like wildfire.  But when Brittney explains that the REASON she think she’s pregnant is that there is a “stork’s nest outside her bedroom window,” Will comes to the shocking realization that Holly was right.  His students are TOTALLY clueless about sex!  And so, he puts on a ridiculous-looking leotard, and asks Holly for help.  (Note:  I couldn’t find a a screencap of Will in his nut-hugger.  Suffice it to say, he looked a lot like this . . .)

Holly decides that singing a sexual song to the Glee kids, while dressed in a trampy outfit, and humping chairs, is the best way to teach them the birds and the bees. 

So, after a very brief introduction .  . .

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 . .  . she launches into a rockin’ rendition of the song “Do You Wanna Touch Me?” 

The moral of this song, of course, is McKinley High apparently has NO school dress code whatsoever wear a RUBBER,  BOYS!  Because everyone has “A Random!”

Practice Makes Perfect Sex Faces . . .

We find Blaine and Kurt at . . . SURPRISE . .  . the coffee shop!  (Man these two consume a lot of caffeine!)  Sue Sylvester stalks them there, and inexplicably tells them that they have to sing a sexy song in order to be relevant to the episode’s theme the McKinley High kids are upping their sex appeal.  So, if the Warblers want to win Regionals, they will have to do the same . . .

But what do the Warbler boys know about being sexy?  After all, most of them haven’t seen a FEMALE in about four years, let alone “wet hugged” one!  So, Blaine decides to invite over some females from the local girl school to “test the waters” . . .

I bet there are about EIGHT porno films that begin just like this . . .

With their human sexy barometers in place, the Dalton boys begin rocking out to “Animal” . .  . and . . . SURPRISE . . . Blaine’s got the solo . . . again!  But wait . . . Kurt’s there too!

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But . . . why does Kurt look like he has to pee?

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Perhaps, it has something to do with all the water . . .  and foam . . . and Warbler “Wet Hugs” . . .

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You can watch the Warblers, in all their humpy, soapy, animal-y goodness, right here:

After the number, Kurt and Blaine are alone together again. (Does anyone else notice how, ever since Kurt arrived at Dalton, Blaine has stopped hanging out with any of the other Warblers?  Interesting  . . .)  Blaine starts having hot horny bunny sex with Kurt wants to know why Kurt was making all those weird faces during the performance?  Kurt explains that those were his “sexy” faces.  So, Blaine asks to see them up close, so that he can judge for himself . . .

Unfortunately, for Kurt, his “sex faces” don’t really make Blaine want to give him a “Wet Hug.”   Rather, they remind him of someone who has gas . . .

For what it’s worth, I disagree with Blaine.  I think Kurt’s “Sex Face” looks more like a cross between Derek Zoolander . . .

 . . . and Charlie Sheen . . .

Either way . . . NOT SEXY!

The problem, of course, is that Kurt has NO sexual experience, whatsoever.  I mean, his idea of a hot porno is the Dalton Academy’s production of Sound of Music . . .

Blaine figures,  if he ever plans to “Wet Hug” with Kurt, he’d better nip this issue in the weiner . . . FAST.  And so he attacks the problem at its source, by visiting Kurt’s dad . .  .

Blaine starts by telling Burt how envious he is of the great relationship he and Kurt share.  (I think most of us are a bit envious of that, actually.)  Then he lets the other shoe drop.  If Burt doesn’t hurry up and give Kurt the “birds and the bees ” talk, there’s a good chance that his son will learn about sex from boning Blaine by watching those Eating Out movies they are always showing on the Logo channel, late at night . . .

As a straight girl, can I tell you?   These are SO HOT!  (The acting is usually crap, of course.  But, let’s be honest.  That’s not why you’re watching.)

So, Burt, being the kickass dad he is, goes out and picks up some pamphlets.  And then he tells his son that it’s time for The Talk . . .

Needless to say, Kurt is not particularly receptive, at first.  But then Burt reigns him in by giving him the BEST SEX TALK EVER!  I mean seriously, if I ever have kids, THIS is the Sex Talk, I’m going to give them . . . well . . . maybe a slightly modified version . . .

Here are the highlights:

“You know, when you’re intimate with somebody in that way, you’re exposing yourself.  You’re definitely going to be more vulnerable. And that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. . . . Once you start doing this stuff, you’re not going to want to stop. You just . . . You’ve got to know that it means something.  It’s doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem.  Even though it feels like you’re just having fun.  Kurt, when you’re ready, I want you to be able to do everything.  But when you’re ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you matter, Kurt.”

All together now, “AWWWWWWWWWWWW!”

(Did you ever wish you could hug someone through your television screen?  Because that’s what I wanted to do to Burt Hummel, after this scene was over.)

In other Sexy news . . .

“You’ve just been Zized!”

So, Puck wants to star in a sex tape .  . .

. . . with Lauren Zizes . . .

Apparently, this is all part of  Lauren’s “big plan” to be “famous,” like the “Kardashians,” and have her “own reality show” with a “clever tagline” :  “You’ve just been Zized.”

The most bizarre part of this whole storyline for me (aside from the obvious, of course) was that Puck and Lauren “researched” their sex tape, by watching other sex tapes on the internet in the SCHOOL LIBRARY.  (Public School FAIL!)   They also conveniently told Ms. Holiday about their plans, when she caught them in the act . . . of watching the tapes.  (What did you think I was going to say?)

Holly helpfully informed the budding new couple that, if they made a sex tape, they would both be guilty of CHILD PORN.  Having been accused of being a creepy pedophile by his OWN SEX ED teacher, a clearly traumatized Puck finds himself, for the first time in his life, NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX!

You would think that GETTING A GIRL PREGNANT last season would have the same effect on him  . . . but no.

So, Puck joins the Celibacy Club . . .

 . . . which seriously pisses off his horndog girlfriend . . . that is, until she learns that he “like, cares about her . . . and stuff.”

PUCK:  “Haha, my evil plan has worked!  I am so getting laid tonight!”

Meanwhile . . .

Boys are like Wasa Crackers.

Best . . . product placement . . . EVER!

Ahhh . . .  Will Schuester . . .  such a martyr.  Once again he is trying to get laid . . . to educate his students, of course!  So, being the “Swell Guy” he is, The Schue commandeers Holly for a little musical number, specifically, a tango, to the tune of Prince’s Kiss . . .

You can tell immediately that Will is extremely aroused during this performance.  For starters, his singing voice gets so high that you literally can’t tell it apart from Holly’s.  (Yes, I realize that Prince, himself, had a high voice.  And that this was the whole point of the musical number . . . But I still found it bizarre.  Sorry!)

The dancing was pretty hot, though!  Watch, and you’ll see what I mean . . .

After the number, Will takes the opportunity to ask a sweated up Holly Holiday on a date.  And she TURNS HIS ASS DOWN!

“I break Nice Guys like you, like Wasa Crackers,” Holly explains.  “You married your high school sweetheart, and then went out with a virgin,” Holly notes, adding insult to injury.   (You’ve got to admit.  Girlfriend’s got a point!) 

Speaking of virgins . . .

Emma has herself an Afternoon Delight . . .

Concerned that Holly’s teachings are only offering teens one viewpoint about sex, Emma decides to lead the Celibacy Club in their own musical number, to illustrate an alternate way of thinking.  With the help of Rachel, Quinn, new Celibacy Club member, Puck, and her new husband, Carl,  Emma performs “Afternoon Delight.”

Watching this not-very-good musical number, I must admit that I was . . . confused.  To give you an idea of  just how confused I was, here are some of the recapping notes I took, during the performance:

-Why are they singing Afternoon Delight?  Is the choice of song supposed to be ironic in some way?  Wouldn’t a song like Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” a.k.a. A Cautionary Tale About Car Sex, be more appropriate for this purpose?

-Why are there pictures of dessert in the background?  That’s kind of kinky!

-Why are they dressed like THAT?

-Why is Emma so friggin annoying?   I kind of feel like the Emma character unintentionally functions as the Poster Child for Teen Sex.  In other words, “have sex young, or you will end up like Emma.”  Way to send positive messages, GLEE!

Of course, after the musical number, all is explained.  (Well . . . almost all.)  You see, apparently, Afternoon Delight, is not just a euphemism for “sex on your lunch hour,” it is also . . . a DESSERT, which, when you think about it, is kind of fitting! 

Later, Carl and Emma decide to visit Holly for some much-needed “couples’ counseling.”

As it turns out, these two have been married for HALF A YEAR, and still have NEVER HAD SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER!  See what I mean . . . about the whole Giving Virgins a Bad Name thing?  I mean, “waiting until marriage” is one thing . . . waiting until your Golden Anniversary, is quite another.  In the words of Jesse from Full House, himself.   “Have MERCYYYYYY!”

I’ll admit I made this exact same face, while I was watching this scene.

Holly perceptively figures out that Emma’s longstanding love for Will, might be the glue that’s keeping her legs together.  When Holly suggests as much to Emma, the latter can’t deny it.  The realization forces Carl to storm out of the room, and possibly the marriage . . . something a Smart Guy would have done SIX MONTHS AGO . . .

“I could have told him THAT!”

In completely unrelated news, that doesn’t fit anywhere else in this recap . . .

 . . . these two doofuses are making monkey again.  (I wonder where SHE hung HER Chastity Charm?)

Speaking of making monkey . . .

Brittana Experiences a Landslide of Emotions

Last we checked, Brittany was dating Artie.  And Santana was dating Sam.  But that’s not stopping these two former Cheerios from boning in Santana’s bedroom on a fairly regular basis . . .

But don’t worry, guys!  It’s not cheating, if the “plumbing is different!”  At least, that’s what Santana says!  (Speaking of which, I have a clogged toilet that needs fixing.  Now, I know who to call!)

In a surprisingly coherent post-coital moment, Brittany complains to Santana that all they do is bone.  And they never talk about their feelings.  But Santana is not exactly the sharing type.  And she tells Brittany as much.  Nevertheless, the girls decide to visit Holly Holiday for their own version of couples’ counseling.   So, Holly plops the pair down in a Sexy Sharing Circle . . .

. .  . and asks them if they think they might be lesbians.  The Sharing Scene, by the way, is accompanied by Rotating Camera Shots, which always make me dizzy and slightly nauseous.  This scene was no exception.  (WHY MUST SHOWS ALWAYS DO THIS?  WHY?!)

Anywhoo . . . since the girls can’t articulate their feelings for one another, Holly suggests they sing about it.  And they do . . . with Holly’s help, of course. Because, apparently, it is in Gwyneth’s contract that she must perform at least three musical numbers during each Glee episode in which she appears to prove that she is a “Real Artist” . . . or something.  So, Holly sings “Landslide,” while the two besties exchange tearful and longing looks with one another.  It’s kind of heartbreaking, really.

At the end of the number, Brittany and Santana share a hug, laced with emotion and symbolism . . .

Upon seeing this, Sam turns to Artie and says that he wishes that the two of them can have a relationship as close as the one their respective girlfriends share . . .  (And you’ve gotta love the latent homoeroticism in THAT!)

After class, Santana confronts Brittany by the lockers.

She then tearfully explains to Brittany that she loves her, and wants to be with her, and ONLY her.  In fact, Santana has wanted this for a long time, but was afraid of what people would say about her behind her back, if she submitted to these desires.  Brittany admits to Santana that she loves her too, and would totally be with her . . . if it weren’t for Artie.

Oooops!

“Whoever thought being fluid would mean you could be so stuck,” Santana explains morosely.

Brittany then moves in to hug her again, but a heartbroken Santana pushes her away. 

It was a powerful scene.  One that was beautifully acted by both Naya Rivera and Heather Morris.  It’s refreshing to see these two actresses finally getting the chance to display themselves as more than just The Comic Relief.  And I hope we get to see more scenes like this between them in the future.

In other news, Will and Holly made out at the end of this episode.  Now, they are dating.  Zzzzzzzzzzzz  Yippee!

Next week on Glee, New Directions heads to Regionals with “Original Songs.”  You can watch the promo for the episode here:

See you then, my fellow Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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