The One Where No One Can Stop Staring at Chris’ . . . Pants – A Recap of U.S. Skins’ “Chris”

“Look at me.  I’m looking at myself through a broken mirror, to symbolize my shattered youth, multi-faceted personality, and ‘broken’ sense of self.  Wowwww . . . MTV is SOOOO deep.”

Here’s a scenario for you.  You are 16-years old.  One morning, you find yourself home alone, with no parental guardians in sight.  There is a big fat wad of cash on your kitchen counter.  You also seem to be having some major “issues” with your nether regions.  What do YOU do? 

Chances are, if you DIDN’T answer: throw a raging, drug and sex-fueled, party at your house, for the entire teenage population of where the heck it is you’re from, this probably isn’t the show for you.  You also may very well be an undercover member of the Parent Teacher Council.

If the film Home Alone was ever converted into a porno flick, I suspect it would look a lot like Episode 3 of U.S. Skins (which, coincidentally, looks almost EXACTLY like Season 1, Episode 4 of U.K. Skins).

Weiner Hijinks Ensue

Chris, is that a shower cap on your Mr. Happy, or are you just REALLY happy to see that stove?

In the opening moments of Skins‘ third episode, we are introduced (or re-introduced, rather) to slacker high school student, Chris.  MTV’s website characterizes Chris as “happy-go-lucky.”  And when we meet him in this episode, we learn that the description might not exactly have been referring to his “personality.”

In addition to Chris, we are also introduced to another character on Skins, one that plays a major part in this episode, and who may actually possess better comedic timing than all of the show’s cast members combined.  Of course, I am referring to Chris’ . . .  hot dog.

Thus proving that MTV shows will give absolutely ANYONE and ANYTHING a SAG card these days . . .

Case in point . . .

To kick off what I would hereby like to refer to as the “Chris and His Weiner Comedy Hour,” we are treated to a montage of sorts, featuring Chris and his Better (and Lower) Half, engaging in all sorts of zany fun!  Here are just some of the highlights: (1) Chris and His Weiner feed the fish!  (2) Chris and His Weiner try to pee,  but Weiner shoots Chris in the face!  (3) Chris and His Weiner take a Shower!  (4) Chris and His Weiner make Eggs for Breakfast!  (Are you watching this, Viagra?  Because I’m pretty sure MTV just wrote your next television commercial . . .)

Fun Times with Dick, however, is interrupted, when Chris finds something VERY SPECIAL on his kitchen counter . . .

Holy Smokes!  It’s 1,000 blooming buckaroos, or, as the Cool Kids are calling it these days, One G.  It’s like CHRISTMAS for Chris!  (Weiner, however, who was hoping for yet ANOTHER box of Viagra, can’t help but be a tad disappointed.)  Not sure of how he should proceed, a still half-naked Chris, tapes Weiner to his pant leg . . .

“I’ll BE BACK!”

 . . . and invites his friends over for a Highly Homoerotic Kitchen Encounter Pow Wow of Epic Proportions.

Does anyone else think that Nu-Tony looks a bit like Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years, or am I totally off base here?

While Stanley thinks that Chris should invest his wad of cash in some low-risk tax free bonds, and Weiner thinks he should invest in more Viagra, the rest of the crew seem to think that a Big Party is the way to go.  So, a Big Party is what we get . . .

It’s a PAAAAARRRRTTTYY!

Weiner, of course, was highly insulted by the fact that, while Chris’ Nipples got to roam free and mingle with the rest of the party guests (See Picture Above), HE had to stay tucked away.  Weiner needn’t have worried though, he was still the TALK of the party, and despite being, more or less, “hidden from view,” all eyes were DEFINITELY on him . . .

ABBUD:  “Hey Tea, do you think Chris’Weiner likes me?  Sometimes, I think he does . . . Other times, I’m not so sure.”

TEA: “Chris’ Weiner likes EVERYBODY, Abbud!”

While Abbud and Tea are discussing the logistics of Chris’ nether regions, Tony arrives to do what he seems to do best:  Stare Longingly, and Silently Pine for Love . . .

*Sigh*

Based on last week’s little Dance / Sex Session, we assume Tony’s Sad Little Eye F*&k  is directed at Tea . . .

. . . but it very well may be directed at Abbud.  On this show, you can never be too sure.

Speaking of people who like to Stare Longingly and Pine for Love, say hello to Cadie . . .

*Double Sigh*

If you recall from last week, Cadie agreed to pretend to be sleeping with Stanley, because doing that “favor” for him would be, as she called it, “sweet.”  (Little did she know that her favor had LESS to do with being “sweet” to Stanley, and more about Tony being able to Stare Longingly and Pine for Love in the general direction of Tea’s Naked Tatas, which Tea had promised to expose to the public, once Stanley cashed in his V card.)  And yet, based on her behavior this week, it seems that Cadie would much prefer to ACTUALLY “make monkey” with Annoying Haired Stanley than just “pretend to make monkey” with him.

“I don’t know what ‘Making Monkey’ means exactly, but I sure hope it involves eating . . . Because I LOVE to eat!”

Unfortunately for Cadie, Stanley is too busy pining after Tony’s girlfriend, Michelle, to Make Monkey with ANYBODY! 

Wait . . . so let me get this straight . . . Cadie wants Stanley, who wants Michelle, who’s with TONY, who wants Tea, who wants that Betty Boop chick from last week’s episode?

Somebody is going to need to diagram this for me . . .

GO FISH!

Speaking of Tony and Michelle, SHE (Michelle) is naked in Chris’ bed, and HE (Tony) is also naked, and playing with fish.  (This is, unfortunately, NOT a Euphemism for Sex, by the way.)

Michelle is, understandably, feeling a bit underappreciated in this situation.  So, Tony tries to make her “feel better” by telling her that one of her tatas is bigger than the other . . .

“Ummm .  . . thanks?”

This Oh So Romantic moment is interrupted by Stanley, who has come to borrow a shirt from Chris’ stash, because some girl puked on his . . .

Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part Deux .  . .

While in Chris’ room, Stanley gets his first glimpse of Michelle’s Tatas. 

Chris’ Weiner says, “Dammit!  Why aren’t I in this scene?  I could do really great work here!”

Knowing full well that Stanley is totally in Loooooove with her, Michelle boldly exposes herself to her boyfriend’s best friend, and asks for his opinion on her tatas.  In response to this inquiry, an entranced Stanley blubbers on for about two minutes about how his “eyes are blurry” or something, and rushes out of the room.  Meanwhile, Tony, who is probably dreaming of Tea’s Tatas’ at the time, looks on, boredly amused. 

“Your eyes are supposed to BLUR TOO!”  Michelle, notes to her boyfriend angrily.

Tony rolls his eyes, and then proceeds to screw Michelle . . .

Hot for Teacher

Back downstairs at the party, Chris’ Social Sciences teacher, Tina, arrives.  Apparently, Chris is in Loooooove with her.  (Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?)  So, he invites her over to his house, under the guise of planning a “Parent-Teacher Conference” of some sort.  Once he’s got her in his clutches, however, the admittedly adorable (even though, honestly, he looks about 12) Chris takes advantage of this Excellent Opportunity by laying THIS gem, on his lady love . . .

“I think that dancing is like the best thing in the world.  Because, it makes you healthy, but it also makes your mind better too.  And, I know that you’re sad sometimes, and I hate that.  So, would you just stay . . . and dance . . . Please?”

Honestly, who could resist THAT?  So, Tina starts slow dancing with Chris.  And, you’ll never guess what happens next .  . .

“I’m BAAAAACK!”

Scotch tape can only hold back Weiner for so long, before it stages a revolt!  So, Tina (who’s already sort of verging on Pedophile Territory, with the looks she’s been giving this Underage Student in the Elvis Costume) freaks out and bails, no doubt rushing back to the Bad 80’s movie from which she originated . . .

Life is HARD, isn’t it Chris? (hint, hint, wink, wink)

Tina’s departure more or less sent the episode, and Chris’ life, into a downward spiral.  And the rest of the episode, was filled with a series of increasingly awkward (and kind of depressing) moments . . .

The Awkward Moment When You are Hiding in Your Mom’s Dresser Listening to Your Friends Engage in Homoerotic Conversations . . .

After a long night of partying and getting wasted, Chris’ pals have worked up quite an appetite!  And, Chris, being the Good Host he is, decides to use the remainder of his Cash Stash to buy them all pizza.  The problem is, he’s run out of money.  So, Chris dashes up to his mom’s room to get some more.  What he finds up there is . . . absolutely NOTHING.

Now, having seen the U.K. version of this episode before, I wasn’t exactly surprised when Chris found his mother’s room completely emptied of all of her belongings — a sure sign that she had abandoned her son, quite possibly for good.  And yet, it is a testament to Jesse Carere’s acting skills, that my heart still sank during this scene. 

In fact, in some ways, watching THIS Chris experience the loss was even harder, because he just looks SO MUCH YOUNGER and seems SO MUCH MORE VULNERABLE than that perpetually hilarious old soul, U.K. Chris.  As someone who ADORED U.K. Chris to bits, I very much appreciated this American actor’s decision NOT to try to replicate the former’s unmatchable performance.  Instead, Carere gave HIS Chris, a sensitivity and sadness that was uniquely his own.

But, lest we become too maudlin, here comes Stanley and Tony with their Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part 3 . . .

A poor and miserable Chris, hides in his mom’s empty dresser, as he listens to Stanley and Tony talk about how incredibly HAPPY Stanley should be for the opportunity to be having Fake Sex with Cadie.  And then they start having HOT GAY sex with eachother, like they’ve clearly been wanting to do for this ENTIRE EPISODE this happens . . .

Poor Chris, though clearly depressed about his future, tries to joke with the boys, and put on a brave face, by noting that his Weiner, has “gone to back to bed,” and hasn’t even TURNED BLUE!  Tony, who knows a “Friend in Need” when he sees one, tries to cheer Chris up, by telling him his Weiner looks REALLY BIG NOW! 

“Why, thank you, TONY!  That’s so sweet of you to say!”

(Seriously?  How GAY is U.S. TONY?!  He can talk about Tea’s tatas all he wants.  But we’ve known the guy for only three episodes, and he’s already hit on EVERY SINGLE MALE CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, at least once!  In fact, I’m starting to think that, perhaps, the reason he likes Tea so much, is that he’s in the market for a Beard. )

*Sigh* . . . “Chris’ Weiner, I Loooooooove YOU!”

To cap off the conversation, Tony “kindly” informs Chris that, since the latter broke the mirror in his mom’s dresser, he now has seven years of bad luck awaiting him.  Niiiiiice!

The Awkward Moment When Your Friends Learn that You Don’t Know what The Piledriver is . .

Chris, Tony and Stanley head downstairs, where no one has ANY money to pay the Pizza Man, and everyone is discussing Cadie’s and Stanley’s sex life.  When a skeptical Tea begins interrogating the virginal Stanley about this, Cadie, inPtrying to be “helpful,” casually mentions that Stanley had her “in the piledriver.”  Tea then slyly asks Stanley to elaborate.  Needless to say, it doesn’t go well . . .

“Ummm . . . is this going to be on the Virginity Test?”

For those of YOU out in TV Land who are wondering what the Piledriver is .  . . ummmm . . . yeah  . . . I’m not going to tell you.  Sorry, but you just never know when the Parent Teacher Council is secretly reading your blog . . .

In order to pay the Pizza Man, Chris and Stanley head to the electronics store, to try to sell back the soundsystem that he had recently purchased for the party . . .

Unfortunately, the Ornery Sales Person at the counter notices some pastry inside the machine, and tells Chris that all sales are final.  So, Chris and Stanley end up dumping the Sound System off at a junkyard, and exchanging it, and the wheelbarrow in which it came, for some drugs instead.  They then head back to Chris’ house with nothing more than what appears to be a dime bag of Dirty Sanchez . . .

I’m still not sure how they paid that Pizza Guy . . .

Back at Chris’ house, while the rest of the crew is sleeping, Poor Smitten Cadie FINALLY gets the chance to GENUINELY cuddle up wth Stan . . .

Unfortunately for Cadie, all Stanley wants to think about, or talk about, is Michelle and her possibly disproportionate Tata’s.   “Stanley, your hard-on is digging into my back,” she tells him.

“Oops . . . sorry,” Stanley replies, shifting himself into a more PG-rated position.

Chris’ Weiner would like you to know that HE would not be so easily bullied!

Eventually, everybody falls asleep.  The following morning, Chris and Daisy are the only ones still awake.  So, they gab together over coffee mugs filled with milk.  The result of this, of course, is that both of them have the cutest Milk Staches EVER!

“Got Milk?”

In hindsight, Chris would have been much better off hanging out with Daisy for the rest of the day.  Unfortunately, however, all his friends eventually leave (Daisy included).   So, he stumbles up to his bedroom for some much-needed shut eye . . . but not before having a little Dirty Sanchez Party, of his own . . .

The Awkward Moment When You Go to Pee in Your Shower and Find Some Homeless Dude Living in It . . .

As if things weren’t going bad enough for him already, Chris wakes up hungover as heck.  He then goes to the bathroom, and learns that someone STOLE HIS TOILET.  So, he steps into the shower, and turns on the water, only to be attacked by some homeless dude, who, eventually LOCKS HIM OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE, while he is BUTT NAKED! 

(Chris’ Tatas and Bum, stick their metaphoric tongues out at his Weiner in TRIUMPH!  It’s THEIR TIME TO SHINE, NOW!)

Chris’ Dad’s a Total DICK!  (Not to be confused with Chris’ Weiner, which is lovely.)

For reasons I don’t quite understand, rather than running to one of his friends’ homes, Chris dashes off to the school.  The Skins Crew meets him there to give him some support.  They also supply him with what appears to be the way too small t-shirt of an 8-year old girl, and some pants to wear.  (Chris’ Belly Button CHEERS,  “My turn, B*tches!”) 

Teacher Tina is back, of course.  And she wants to know what Chris plans to do about his living situation.  Chris decides to try and live with his absentee father.  Daisy agrees to accompany him to the guy’s home.  While there, Chris’ Dad’s new wife, introduces Chris to the half-brother he never knew he had . . .

 

She also begins to show Daisy pictures of what she believes to be Chris as a baby.  But the pictures actually end up being of Chris’ his brother Peter, who died very young.  When Chris’ dad arrives home, he refuses to even SEE Chris.  Devastated, the poor little guy dashes from his dad’s home, with Daisy hot on his heels.

Eventually, Chris arrives at his brother’s gravestone . . .

Once there, Chris shares with Daisy his most fond memory of his older brother, Peter.   When Chris was a young child in day camp (or was it Boy Scouts?  I honestly can’t remember), he apparently peed his pants in public.  Rather than allow his little brother to be humiliated by his peers, Peter, who was a camp counselor at the time, lent Chris the pants off his bottom!  Together, the siblings walked into the sunset hand -in-hand, one of them COMPLETELY PANTS FREE! 

“Nobody laughed,” remarks Chris.

(Ummm . . . yeah, somehow I find THAT hard to believe . . .)

“Me too, and I was there!”

The Awkward Moment When Your Teacher Finds You Sleeping in the Trunk of Her Car . . .

Did I mention that Chris is LIVING Teacher Tina now?  Or that she gave him a pet fish (pun sort of intended)?  Or that he has inexplicably started taking her Estrogen Pills?

Yeah, because all THIS is not inappropriate, AT ALL!

Truthfully, not much happens at the end of the episode.  Well . . . that’s not entirely true.  Tea FINALLY shows us her Tatas at Tony’s house .  . .

“PEEKABOOB!”

(Well, she shows THE CAST her tatas.  We don’t really get to see anything — this, being the U.S. and all . . .)

And Tony.  . .  you guessed it . . . Stares Longingly at Tea and Pines for Love, as his little sister looks on with amusement . . .

“Oh, BROTHER!  You are so obviously gay!  Stop trying to pretend otherwise  . . .”

Then the whole Skins crew piles on top of one another, which, contrary to what the Virginal Stanley would like you to believe, is NOT the same thing as a Piledriver . . . not even close . . .

And that was Skins, Episode 3, “Chris” in a nutshell.  Next week, we watch as Cadie takes a lot of drugs, and Stares Longingly and Pines for Stanley’s Love some more.  Surely, it will be a UNIQUE experience, unlike one we’ve EVER witnessed on this show  . . .  since the last time it aired.

[www.juliekushner.com]

Shut up and SING! It’s almost time for Season 2 of Glee!

 

If last Sunday’s Gleek-tastic Emmy opener put you in the mood to watch your favorite show about singing and dancing teens, Glee, well then you’ve come to the right blog post.  Unfortunately, I don’t have quite enough clout in the entertainment world (read: “no clout at all”) to show you episodes from the show’s groundbreaking Second Season, which is set to premiere Tuesday, September 21st, at 8 p.m. on Fox.

However, I DO have plenty of mildly spoilerish intel about the new season, complete with a few pretty pictures, and some relevant YouTube videos. These should tide you over, while you eagerly await the season premiere.

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s get GLEEK-Y!

For starters, here’s the new promo for the show, which aired just a few days ago on Fox. 

Pretty cool, right?  Now, let’s breakdown what we’ve learned about Season 2 so far . . .

The Episodes

Season 2 of Glee is slated to have 22 episodes.  The first few episodes will air on Tuesday at 8 p.m on Fox.  These early episodes will culminate in a SPECIAL extended episode, which will air following Superbowl XLV.

Following that episode, Glee will move to the much coveted Wednesday at 9 p.m. timeslot.  And, you know what that means?  More sex, drugs, and violence ALLOWED by the censors!

Yes, PLEASE!

So far, the producers of Glee have released titles for the first THREE episodes of Season 2, along with brief synopses of each.  In the first episode, entitled Audition, New Directions will be forced, due to more budget cuts, to bring on additional members — a task that will cause tension between on-again, off-again couple, Rachel and Finn.

Two auditioners likely to “make the cut,” are foreign exchange student Sunshine Corzan, played by YouTube sensation and master songstress of the Philippines, Charice (more on her later)  . . .

 Newbie Sunshine duking it out with Rachel Berry in the school bathroom, to the tune of Beyonce and Lady Gaga’s Telephone.

. . . and transfer student / football jock, Sam Evans (played by Chord Overstreet) . . .

Just like another one of our favorite Gleeks, it appears that Sam’s “talents” will be discovered in the shower.  How convenient for those of us scouring the net for shirtless shots of the actor to use in future recaps.  Just saying . . .

Sam is described by producers as being a protege and eventual rival of Finn’s.  It is also rumored that he may be an upcoming MAJOR love interest for one Kurt Hummel.

The second episode is entitled “Britney / Brittany.”  This one will obviously be the much talked about “Britney Spears-themed episode,” comprised entirely of songs by the aforementioned artist, and featuring a cameo appearance by Spears herself.

Heather Morris (as Brittany) posing with Britney Spears — I can see a resemblance.  Can’t you?

The show’s third episode, entitled “Faith,” will be religous-themed, and feature songs including R.E.M’s “Losing my Religion” . . .

 . . . and Barbara Streisand’s “Papa Can You Hear Me.”

Other episodes airing this Season will include a Rocky Horror Picture Show – themed episode .  . .

 .  . . during which the cast of New Directions will undoubtedly perform the Time Warp dance.

Another episode will feature the cast singing entirely ORIGINAL songs.  There will also be a second Madonna-themed episode.

In the Season 2 finale, the cast will head to  New York City, to compete in the national Glee club competition.  There, they will most likely perform Jay Z and Alicia Keys’ anthem to the Big Apple, “Empire State of Mind.”

“New Directions” for our original Gleeks

If the scoop about Kurt’s new love interest enticed you, there is plenty more where that came from!  Speaking of Kurt, Mike O’Malley, who warmed everybody’s hearts with his performance as Kurt’s Dad, Burt Hummel, has been upgraded to season regular status . . .

. . . as have our two favorite “mean girl” Cheerios (and possible lovers?) Heather Morris (Brittany) and Naya Rivera (Santana) . . .

Our favorite love square, starring Rachel, Finn,  Quinn and Puck, is said to be in full effect next year.  However, a NEW love TRIANGLE will ALSO invade the Glee club.   This one will star, the loveable Artie, quirky goth, Tina, and awesome dancer, Mike Chang.

Sources say that when the season opens, Tina will be dating MIKE, having dumped Artie, due to his poor social skills and frequently rude comments.

New Cast Members and Guest Stars

Earlier in this article, I mentioned the cast additions of Chord Overstreet . . .

 . . . and Charice.

What I DIDN’T mention was that Charice’s character’s singing voice will be SO impressive, that it will enable her to make a play for Rachel Berry’s crown as Queen Bee of New Directions.  Listen to her sing this rather impressive cover of Beyonce’s “Halo” (a song which just so happened to be performed on the show, by Lea Michele’s Rachel Berry last season), and compare for yourself.

Another addition to the cast will be John Stamos . . .

John will be playing that dentist boyfriend of Emma Pillsbury, Carl Howell, who was briefly mentioned last season.

Although I sincerely doubt John will be singing on the show, fans of the oh-so-cheesetastic 90’s sitcom Full House, will likely remember that he CAN, in fact, sing.  This will become evident in the VERY retro clip, below.

Also featured in Season 2 will be Cheyenne Jackson, who’s character will replace Idina Menzel’s Shelby Corcoran as the coach for New Directions’ rivals, Vocal Adrenaline.  Since I am nothing without my journalistic integrity, I’ve decided it is absolutely imperative that I provide you with a picture of Cheyenne in his underwear . . .

You’re welcome.

I will not, however, be providing you with an equally scantily clad photograph of our next new cast member.  Dot Jones will appear as McKinley High’s new football coach, and rival to BOTH Sue and Will Schuester, Shannon Beiste.

Beware of THE BEISTE!

Other Glee guest stars will include Carol Burnett . . .

. . . who will play Mommy to, none other than, Sue Sylvester . . .

Speaking of Sue, Javier Bardem will guest star as one of her exes.

Woah!  Maybe I should start wearing track suits.

Susan Boyle will also guest star as the Singing Lunch Lady.

New Music

Look for songs by Billy Joel . . .

. . . Coldplay . . .

 . . . Paul McCartney . . .

 . . . Courtney Love . . .

 . . .  and Led Zeppelin . . .

. . . to be featured on the show.

Oh, and just in case you CAN’T wait until September 21st to get your Glee fix, the Complete First Season of Glee DVD set will be available for purchase on September 14th.  

You can preorder it (at reduced cost) here.

Of course, September 14th is still over a week away.  Is that too many Glee-less days, for you?  If so, worry not.  Glee: The Beginning, a young adult novel said to function as a prequel for the series, is available in stores, RIGHT NOW!

You can order it, by clicking here.

Not much of a reader?   Low on cash?  That’s OK.  I’ve got something for you too.  To conclude this Glee-themed post, I have provided, for your viewing pleasure, a video of that fabulous Journey Medley, performed by the New Directions, during the Season 1 finale.  And, just in case, you didn’t see it when it first aired, you can find a picturesque recap of the entire episode right here.

Well, that’s all I’ve got, for now.  See you on September 21st!  Until then, happy Gleek-ing out!

[www.juliekushner.com]

A Very, Very, VERY Sentimental Journey – A Recap of Glee’s Season Finale “Journey”

I’m not going to say that the The Sopranos finale was the first time I heard about or listened to the band, Journey, but it was pretty darn close.  Just in case you were curious, THIS is Journey . . .

Is it just me, or does the one on the far right bear a striking resemblance to Sue Sylvester?

Yet, now, between that controversial fade-to-black “Tony Soprano loves onion rings.  Let’s listen to Don’t Stop Believing, before we sort of, kind of, quite possibly die” series finale, and Glee‘s Journey extravaganza at Regionals, the aforementioned 80’s hairband has officially become the Lords of the Primetime Finale!  And having watched this season’s final episode of Glee (appropriately entitled “Journey”), I can certainly see why . . .

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Cry, Cry (and cry, and cry, and cry) . . . AGAIN!

The episode began with a SHOCKING revelation! 

Well . . . at least . . . it would have been shocking, if it wasn’t revealed during the episode promos.  You see, the winner of the Regional Glee Club competition was to be decided by a panel of four “celebrity judges.”  (Why four?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to have an ODD number of judges, in the event of a tiebreaker?) 

WHO is the fourth judge, you ask?  None other than THIS lovely lady . . .

 . . . who, seemingly, hates the Glee kids’ little singing and dancing butts.  This, of course, complicates matters, seeing as, Glee must “place” at Regionals, in order to retain school funding for their club.

Understandably, hearing that news bums out our Glee kids, who have already spent a majority of the second half of this season bummed out about something or other.  Lucky for Quinn, she gets to escape to Hot Porno Flashback land — specifically, the time when she and a still Mohawk-ed Puck did the nasty in her bedroom, while she was drunk on wine coolers.  Of course, she was still wearing her cheerleading uniform at the time.  Obviously, Quinn is too young to remember Monica Lewinsky, and the important life lesson she taught us, back in the day: “Sex acts are for the NAKED ONLY.  Clothes just get in the way, and, eventually get you into trouble.”

“I did NOT have sexual relations with that cheerleader!”

While the Glee kids are at Mr. Schuester’s house for pizza, they all cry about how much they will miss Glee club, once it’s gone.  Will tries to keep his composure during the meeting, for the kids’ sake.  However, later, while driving alone in his car, Will hears “Don’t Stop Believing,” and can no longer fight his emotions.    Kudos to Matthew Morrison for making this scene raw and real, and not feeling the need to “cry pretty.”  Because, let me tell you, for a cute guy, that was some UGLY ASS crying  . . .

“I don’t understand, he was eating onion rings, and everything was FINE!  Then it just ENDED, without explanation!  If only Meadow Soprano was better at parallel parking, things might have been different!

Upon witnessing this heartfelt, teary scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER male actor, who is also highly adept at UGLY CRY FACE . . .

“I wish they played Journey music, when Joey Potter dumped ME.  It would have helped to ease my pain!”

Then, because it’s the season finale, and ALL Would-Be Couples must make out in the season finale they truly believe they can lead the Glee Club to greatness, Finn and Rachel decide to makeout in the middle of the high school hallway.

Just moments later, having been energized and inspired by his Ugly Face Cry, Mr. Schuester informs the kids that they will be doing a Journey medley at Regionals . . .  because the “journey is more important than the destination,” or something like that.  We all know how insufferably cheesy Mr. Schue can get, when it’s time for him to reveal the “Lesson of the Day.”

“Hey look!   It’s Will Schuester’s Dad, Mr. Rogers!  It all makes so much sense now.”

Welcome to Regionals, Baby!

As promised, at the Regionals competition, OUR Glee group, New Directions, sings a Journey medley containing, three songs: “Faithfully,” “Anyway You Want It,” and, of course, the song that first made this show legendary, “Don’t Stop Believing.”  The entire performance was phenomenal, and certainly exceeded all of MY expectations.  Even Finn’s awkward dancing was slightly less irksome tonight.  (Props to the script writers for not-so-subtly pointing out how VERY BAD he actually is.)  Oh, and you know who FINALLY got a solo?  THIS Guy . . .

I know, I know.  That was a totally lame excuse to include a Shirtless Mark Salling pic in this recap.  But, COME ON, this is my last opportunity to do this ALL SUMMER!  You can’t honestly blame me for trying to make the best of it.

Immediately, after New Directions finishes its performance, Quinn’s estranged mother approaches her, and tells her VERY pregnant daughter that she wants her back in her life.

I would love to say that Mama Fabray’s “change of heart” came from a completely unselfish place.  However, I imagine it had a lot to do with the fact that Daddy Fabray ran off with some “tattooed freak.”

Sound familiar?

Speaking of Jesse James, or, rather, Jesse St. James, while Quinn is being rushed off to the hospital to give birth (her water breaks, while she is reuniting with her mother),  Jesse and his EVIL crew, Vocal Adrenaline, perform their medley of songs by Queen.  We actually only get to hear “Bohemian Rhapsody.”  However, we can assume that, at some point, the group performed “Another One Bites the Dust,” also by Queen, seeing as we heard that one in last week’s episode.  Personally, I would have preferred to see this uptight bunch rock out to “Fat Bottomed Girls”  . . . but that’s just me.

I realize that Jonathan Groff is supposed to be this “big time” Broadway star, so I’m going to chalk this up to his interpretation of the “Jesse” character.  However, it must be said that this dude makes some truly WEIRD and PISSED OFF faces, when he sings and dances . . .

The Constipated Pianist

 “Bohemian Rhapsody” is a notoriously LONG song, that has about a MILLION different parts to it.  However, either Vocal Adrenaline are the World’s Slowest Singers, or Quinn gave birth to Mutant Speedy Pop Out Baby (It would certainly explain Quinn’s rapidly expanding, decreasing, and expanding again waistline).  Because, while Vocal Adrenaline was singing, New Directions had time to:

 (1) drive Quinn to the hospital;

(2) watch her go into labor and give birth;

 (3) complete all the legal paper work necessary to process an impromptu adoption (more on that later);

(4) drive back to the competition in perfect hair and makeup; and

(5) be ready and waiting on stage for the award announcements.

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  You see, the writers brilliantly (or disturbingly, depending on how you feel about these sort of things) juxtaposed Quinn’s giving birth . . .

“They’ve only been singing for about two minutes.  You have PLENTY of time to give me an epidural!”

 . . . with Vocal Adrenaline’s preformance of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”  So when Quinn gave birth to Baby Beth . . .

 . . . Vocal Adrenaline symbolically “gave birth” to Jesse . . .

EWWWWWWWWW!

 . . . which left me wondering, which Vocal Adrenaline star was lucky enough to play the “afterbirth?”

“I’m melting!  I’m melting!”

Speaking of that heartless witch of a Vocal Adrenaline coach, Shelby Corcoran, Rachel approaches her biological mom after the competition, and suggests she “team coach” New Directions with Will.  But Shelby HATES the idea.  She wants to have a NEW KID, so she has absolutely NO TIME to waste on her VERY VERY OLD ONE.  So, of course, Quinn and Puck HAVE to give Shelby their kid, because screwing up ONE childhood, is clearly not enough for this broad!

“I’ll get you my Quinney!  And your Baby Beth too!”

And the Winner Isn’t . . .

Meanwhile, Sue Sylvester and her panel of “celebrity” judges . . .

Yeah, I was confused too  . . .

 .  . . duke it out amongst themselves to determine who should win Regionals.  Surprisingly, Sue keeps her mouth shut through most of the deliberations, except to deflect some insults thrown her way by the other judges, Olivia Newton John, Josh Groban, and that random news guy from one of the early episodes, Rod Remmington.  And when Sue Sylvester is the NICEST one in the room, you know you’ve got a pretty unlikeable bunch.    The other three judges seem split exactly down the middle, with Olivia Newton John preferring the porn-name sounding “Aural Intensity,” who performed a cover of one of her songs, Rod enjoying Jesse and his Vocal Adrenaline kids, and Josh seeming to prefer OUR New Directions kids.

Soon after deliberations are complete, we learn that New Directions finished THIRD in the competition, with Vocal Adrenaline bringing in the win.  Of course, the kids are crushed, believing their Glee club dreams are finished . . .

A Kiss, Two Songs, A Truce, MUCH MORE Tears . . .

Back at school, Will finds ex-girlfriend Emma (now dating a dentist) screaming at Principal Figgins about his decision to disband Glee club.  (Not that Principal F has made ANY decisions this year, without someone’s hand up his ass, making his mouth move . . . I’ve seen slugs with more gumption than this guy!)  Will sees this exchange, and apparently finds it SUPER HOT, because he promptly tells Emma he loves her, and makes out with her because that’s what ALL Would-Be Couples do during season finales he really cares.

His mouth still wet from Emma’s super sanitized spit, Will enters the school auditorium to find his entire Glee club sitting before him.  In a scene that ACTUALLY had ME crying, the kids tell Will how much he has meant to them as a teacher.  They further explain that, even if there is no more Glee Club, Will’s lessons will always be in their hearts. The crew then sing “To Sir With Love.” And, by the time, they are finished, there is truly not a dry eye in the house.

Not even the eyes of Sue Sylvester!

Through flashbacks, we find out that, in a surprising show of decency, Sue HAD actually voted for New Directions to win at Regionals (which makes it all the more confusing that they LOST, especially considering that (1) Josh Groban also seemed to be on board with them winning; and (2) the other two judges each had a different favorite candidate.)

Feeling a bit guilty about the loss of New Directions, Sue strong-arms Principal Figgins (see what I mean about the hand up the butt?) into reinstating Glee club for ANOTHER YEAR!

Upon hearing the good news, Will decides to call a temporary truce with Sue!

 

Take note, Middle East!  If THEY can do it, so can YOU!

Will is so happy, he sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with Puck, which was touching and sweet, if not exactly “manly.”

“Hey, Puck!  When we’re done here, do you wanna go shopping with me?  There are these ruby red slippers at the new mall that I’ve just been DYING to try on.  It’s right up the yellow brick road . . .”

So, there you have it, folks.  Our first season of Glee has come and gone, and a long, hot Glee-less summer awaits.  Something tells me, I’m going to be singing to myself A LOT more in the coming months . . .

See ya next year, fellow Gleeks!

Will Schuester and The Case of the Mysterious Glist – A Recap of Glee’s “Bad Reputation”

So, what exactly is a “Glist?”  Well, according to Sue Sylvester, it’s a “weekly ranking of  . . . Glee club members, based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity . . . You get a point for each act of perpetuated depravity.” 

As you can see from the above screencap, in the Glist’s premiere week, Quinn, Santana, and Puck topped the list, with Brittany, Jesse, and Finn, taking positions 4, 5, and 6, respectively.  What you cannot see from this screencap (because I couldn’t find a SINGLE shot that fit everything in), was that Rachel rounded up the rear, with a score of -5!  And Mercedes, Kurt, Tina, and Artie didn’t make the Glist AT ALL!

Which begs the question?  WHO CREATED THE GLIST (and why)?  This was the mystery Will Schuester was tasked with solving at the beginning of this week’s installment of Glee, entitled “Bad Reputation.”  As for the Glee kids, they were less concerned with figuring out who made the Glist, and more concerned with “moving up on it.”  “Maybe if we seen a little more dangerous, people will stop flushing my glasses down the toilet,” suggested Artie, hopefully.

(Poor Artie!  Having your glasses flushed down the toilet HAS to suck!  Then again, doesn’t  No Glasses-Artie look a bit like a young Harry Connick, Jr.?)

It’s almost uncanny, right?  They are even wearing the SAME SHIRT!

This week’s episode was all about what it takes to revive (or create) a “bad reputation.”  And while the characters were all struggling with that, in their own way, they were also singing songs.  What songs, you ask? “Awesomely Bad” Songs, of course!  Songs that were once “great” (at least according to Mr. Schuester), but had since fallen into disrepute. Like, for example, Ice, Ice Baby, which was originally sung by this guy . . .

Now we know where Puck has been getting his hair care tips!

Let’s see how everyone did, shall we?

Rachel Berry

Goal: To cast aside her squeaky clean reputation, and move up from last place on the Glist.

What she did: Tricked the three men in her life into starring with her in a music video, in which she was cast as the slutty siren, awakening all three men’s hidden sexual desires for her, in the process.

What she sang:  Run, Joey, Run by David Geddes and Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler

I’ll admit that sometimes the “Rachel” character really irks me.  However, she was all kinds of awesome in this episode!  From her flirtatious dalliances with Puck (“Did you know when we were together, people called us Puckleberry?”  “Dating me  . . . gave you a sense of humanity.”) . . .

These two were SO HOT together tonight, that I almost forgot that Puck is with Quinn, and Rachel’s with  . . . that other guy.

. . .to the calculated trickery she employed to get all THREE main Glee guys (Puck, Finn, and Jesse) to star opposite her in what I am pretty sure was the most self-aggrandizing, campiest, music video EVER MADE .  . . and, ending with her angsty belting of Total Eclipse of the Heart, which she sang after all three men promptly deserted her for her selfish behavior.

As far as the Rachel and Jesse “break up,” (which occurred in the last few moments of the episode), I’m not really sure how I felt about it.  On one hand, I’m still pretty positive that Jesse’s REAL reason for transferring to McKinley, was to “narc” out the Glee kids to their main competition, and his former teammates, Vocal Adrenaline.  (Notice how, even though Jesse’s “sole” reason for coming to the school was to “be with Rachel,”  he decided to stay  at the school, even after they broke up?)  And yet, I also believe that as the season progresses, Jesse’s feelings for Rachel will eventually become real.    To further complicate matters, Jonathan Groff’s portrayal of Jesse, which heretofore has come across as a tad overblown and artificial, in my opinion, was significantly more understated and genuine this week.  So, while I wanted to not care about Jesse’s feelings being hurt this week, because I don’t trust him, I found myself caring, in spite of myself . . .

True Love?  Or Truly Convenient Plot Device . . .

Kurt, Mercedes, Artie, Tina and Brittany

Goal: To be featured on the Glist (or, in Brittany’s case, to break the top three)

What they did: Wore ugly pants and sang a cheesy song in the library; admitted to being the source of Sue Sylvester’s public embarrassment

What they sang:  You Can’t Touch This, by M.C. Hammer

So, this episode marks the THIRD time our Glee kids chose to break out into song in, of all places, THE LIBRARY! 

 I’m not exactly sure what made these guys think that wearing balloon pants and singing the Anthem to ’90’s Musical Ridiculousness would up their coolness quotient.  Whatever their thinking was, their plan TOTALLY backfired, when the school librarian loved the performance!  She even  invited the kids to perform the song for her church! 

 Kurt’s plan to admit to Sue that he had posted her private Let’s Get Physical (more on that later) video on YouTube, similarly backfired when she THANKED him for doing so.  However, given Mercedes’ kickass performance of Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful at the school pep rally, and Kurt’s football heroism earlier this season (he won the game for his team by distracting the opposition with his dance to Beyonce’s All the Single Ladies), I can’t imagine these two being invisible at McKinley High School for much longer . . .

Sue Sylvester

Goal: To redeem herself, after having become the school laughingstock

What she did: Made a music video with Olivia Newton John featuring sexy shirtless men!

What she sang: Let’s Get Physical by Olivia Newton John

The first time we see Sue Sylvester in this episode, a miniaturized version of her is shaking her booty and doing the Cabbage Patch, from inside the screen of a laptop computer, to the tune of Olivia Newton John’s Let’s Get Physical.  One of my main gripes with this episode is that WE NEVER GOT TO SEE THE WHOLE VIDEO, which CLEARLY would have been hilarious! 

Apparently, Kurt found the incriminating video amongst Sue’s hormone replacement pills, in a locked drawer in her office.  However, it was Finn’s idea to post the video on YouTube for the world to see.  News of the video spread like wildfire, and Sue soon found herself to be the subject of “slow motion laughter” and public ridicule.  Fortunately for Sue, Olivia Newton John herself got wind of Sue’s dance moves, and decided to remake an updated version of the music video for the song, in which she and Sue ultimately sang alongside one another. 

The music video was a hit!  And, while it was cute, I STILL would have preferred to see Sue’s embarrassing solo jazzercise version all the way through .  . . but that’s just me.

In other news, Emma . . .

 . . . learned of Will’s recent slut-capades with April and that Vocal Adrenaline coach from Sue Sylvester (who apparently rigged his home with hidden cameras?).  And, in a moment of highly uncharacteristic fury, our favorite OCD guidance counselor responded, by publicly berating him for his whorish tendencies.  Now Will has a reputation for being a Man Slut.

And if he wasn’t raking in the ladies before, they will certainly be coming out of the woodwork NOW!  After all, we all know how the ladies LOVE their Man Sluts!

Oh, and you know who ended up being responsible for creating the Glist?

Quinn!  Did you see that one coming?  You SHOULD HAVE!  She was, after all, Number 1 on the list.  Plus, the former Queen Bee’s popularity has taken a serious nosedive, since the whole “teen pregnancy thing” got out.  In a heartfelt moment, Quinn confides in Will about her feelings of loneliness and depression, regarding the loss of her peak social status.  Will comforts her, explaining that high school is only temporary, and “social status” really has more to do with self-confidence than anything else.  And I guess that was supposed to be the “moral of the story”  . . . or something.

All in all, this was a fun episode — probably my favorite one post-hiatus.  It offered the deft plotting, and solid character development, that, honestly, seemed a bit lacking in the last few episodes.  Sure, most of the songs wouldn’t make my “Must Download” list, but perhaps that was the point.  Like the characters in this episode, Glee had a reputation to revive this week, one for good storytelling.  And, in that respect, it certainly succeeded.