I LOVE YOU, MIKE CHANG! – A Recap of Glee’s “Asian F”

[ (Mildly) Important Note About the The Vampire Diaries Recap for “Disturbing Behavior”:  Hey Folks!  I suspect some of you might be scouring the home page in search of my most recent TVD recap.  All I can say is, IT’S COMING!  I was feeling a bit under the weather last night, and decided it would be best to publish a thorough recap a bit late, rather than publish a shoddy recap on time.  I promise to make it up to you, by adding plenty of extra yummy pics and GIFS into the mix! 😉  I hope you can forgive me.  The recap should be up by early this evening (probably 8 or 9ish) Eastern Standard time.  See you then, Fangbangers!]

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Would it be inappropriate for me to ask you to have my babies?  It would?  Well, could you just flash your abs at me then?

Oh, dear, sweet, Mike Chang.  You started off Season 1 as the Mysterious, Possibly Mute, Dancing Guy . . .  a guy who . . . except for during the instrumental portion of songs . . . remained largely in the background.  Then came Season 2, and our introduction to those glorious specimens of nature known as YOUR ABS.

You started dating Tina . . . and we started taking notice . . . but mostly just of your midsection.

Yes, I pasted the Abs Picture again . . . just in case you forgot what they looked like, when I pasted them two sentences ago.  You got a problem with that? 

But, now Season 3 is here . . . . Asian F has aired . . . and though it would be illegal in many states, I suspect there are many women out there, over legal drinking age, who would very much like to “Asian F” you, if  you catch my drift. 😉

So, strap on those dancing shoes, because this ode to New Directions most woefully under-appreciated club members is about to begin . . .

Finn is happy . . .

And so is his spirit animal . . .

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Be Cool, Mike Chang!

That’s right, Mike Chang!  You kick that poopyhead, Bad Influence Boyfriend!  You kick him HARD! 

Mike Chang’s dad is mad as hell.  And he’s not going to take it anymore!

“This is my mad face, which, coincidentally, is not all that different from my happy face.  Emotions are for losers . . . and people who score A minuses on their high school exams.” 

His son is on a path toward destruction!  He’s dating a vampire . . . well, at least someone who sometimes dresses like one!

Damon Salvatore finds this extremely insulting . . . 

He’s in GLEE CLUB.  And worst of all, he took a chemistry test, and received an A minus . . . an ASIAN F!  At this rate, Mike will NEVER get into Harvard!

Oh, the horror! 

Papa Chang thinks Mike might be ON DRUGS  . . . and begs Principal Figgins to force him to submit to drug tests each week.  He also wants him to . . . wait for it . . . QUIT GLEE CLUB. (NOOOOOOOOOO!)

Poor Mike!  He’s horrified of the idea of losing the part of his life, that he values most.  He promises his dad that he will do better . . . pay for a chemistry tutor, and never Asian F again (Well, at least not THAT kind of Asian F.)

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But the problem, of course, is that Mike has A LOT on his plate right now.  He’s going to Glee club practice.  He’s spending extra hours at the school helping Mr. Schue run Booty Camp.  He’s on the football team.  He’s teaching the football team to dance, as part of Coach Beiste’s requirement that they all audition for the school play.

And, perhaps, most importantly (for purposes of this episode, anyway) Mike has decided to audition for the role of Riff in the school’s production of West Side Story.  It’s a dancing part, of course.  But it’s also . . . wait for it . . . a singing part.  And we all know that singing isn’t necessarily a talent that comes naturally to Mike Chang . . .

“I’m really good at sex though.” 

Will Mike be able to juggle it all, while earning straight A’s (NOT A minuses!), AND earn the role of his dreams?  Mike decides to dance on it.  In what was my opinion, the most moving part of the episode, Mike heads alone to the dance studio rips off his shirt, to reveal a super tight, arms bearing tank top (but no abs, unfortunately), and dances his frustrations, hopes and dreams in total and complete silence.

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*insert stripper music, and lewd whistles here*

Then, he has imaginary conversations, both with his father — who values scholastic achievement above all else — and his girlfriend — who encourages his passion for dance, and the arts.  Bolstered by the power he gets from his dancing, Mike finally feels capable of unburdening himself, and telling the two people he admires most, exactly how he feels . . . Well, technically, he only does it in his mind .  . . but it’s certainly a start . .  .

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Damn straight, Tina!

And though Mike has been double booked (He is supposed to be learning chemistry right now), our hero, though a bit late, DOES, ultimately decide to audition for the role of Riff.  He does so, with one of the character’s token solos, a toe-tapping, finger-snapping number entitled “Cool,” which showcases both his trademark dance moves, and his raspy, yet surprisingly sexy, singing voice.

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“Yeah . . . I know . . . I’m awesome.  You totally want to get with this.”

Accompanying him on his audition are some pretty goofy-looking dancing football players.  (So, now we know where Mike has slacked.)

“OK guys . . . you just keep doing the hokey pokey.  And I swear, nobody is going to ever find out that I never actually taught you to dance.”

But hey, nobody’s perfect . . .

After the audition, Mike returns to the comfort of the dance studio.  It is there where he encounters his mother.  Upon noticing that he had missed his appointment with his chemistry tutor, she had arrived at the school to make sure he was OK.  UH OH!  Busted!

Tired of hiding his true self, Mike finally comes clean to his mother.  He doesn’t want to be a doctor, engineer or astrophysicist, when he grows up.  Wait for it . . . Mike wants to be . . . a professional dancer.  The notion that Mike would end up coming clean to someone in his family about his true desires was not necessarily shocking or unexpected.  What WAS shocking, however, was his mother’s response.

Mike’s mother admits that she was not as courageous as her son was, and gave up her own dreams to do what was expected of her.  She does not want that for her son.  And so Mike’s mother promises to support Mike’s dreams.  “But what about Papa Chang?”  You might ask.

“When you get the part [of Riff], we will tell him together,” Mama Chang tells her son.

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“OK . . . cool, now while I have you here.  I guess it’s also time I told you that I’ve fallen in love with a TV Recapper . . .”

And just in case you weren’t already reaching for the Kleenex at this point in the scene, there’s more!  Mike asks his mother what dream SHE gave up during her childhood.  As it turns out, she too wanted to be a dancer, but never had the wherewithal to take lessons.  “Well, I’ve been told that I’m a pretty good teacher unless you are a football player,” says Mike.

Then .  . . wait for it . . . he SLOW DANCES WITH HIS MOM!

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All together now . . . AWWWWW!

“I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face.” 

But Mike wasn’t the only Gleek dancing his way to  success and satisfaction this week . . .

Brittany Runs the World (well . . . at least the gym)

I’ve decided I want to be Brittany S. Pearce for Halloween this year, and use the outfit she’s wearing here as my costume .  . . Now, if only the costume came with her legs . . . 

I told you Brittany is running for class president, last week, didn’t I?  What I didn’t tell you is that she’s running a ROCKING CAMPAIGN, one based on the notion that the student council, up to this point, has been a predominately Man’s World.  And this, in her opinion is why the “economy” of the school is going down the toilet . . . I’m sorry.  I mean, the “magical poop-stealing water chair.”

Give me back my poop, B*tch! 

So, the usually daft Brittany, in a rare show of genius, plans an all-female flash mob that begins in the halls of McKinley High, and ends in the school gym.

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And you know the darn thing is a unanimous success, when you see the faculty (even Sue Sylvester!) doing their own nerdy chair-dances, as they watch her boogie down . . .

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Speaking of (slightly nerdy) teachers . . .

More Adventures in Bad Parenting (Emma Pillsbury Edition)

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Have you ever wondered why Emma Pillsbury is . . . the way she is?  You know . . . perpetually virginal, scared of her own shadow, and OCD-tastic?

Well, Will kind of wants to know too.  After all, he would eventually like to marry this girl, and maybe even (GASP) actually bone her.

(Welcome to the ONLY man in the world, who doesn’t appear the least bit freaked out by his girlfriend’s Secret Wedding Magazine stash.   And this is despite his having, pretty much, the WORST FIRST WIFE EVER!).

Two Words:  Fake . . . Pregnancy.

In furtherance of his ultimate dual goal of getting both married and laid, Will requests to be introduced to Emma’s parents.  The Schue undoubtedly knows from experience that the mere asking of this question sometimes has the result of causing marriage-intent women’s panties to immediately fly off their bodies, at warp speed.  But Emma is not one of those women.  In fact, she is SO dead set against this idea, that she lies and claims that her parents are DEAD, despite Will having HEARD her talk to them on the phone the night before.

“They are ghosts.  I have ghost parents,” Emma offers feebly.

Will is crushed.  He’s convinced that Emma doesn’t want him to meet her parents, because she’s ASHAMED OF Will, his freakish hair, odd attachment to underage girls and boys, teacher’s salary, and inability to say, “Have Mercyyyyy,” like that guy from Full House.

Remember him? 

Will turns to Beiste for help with his quandary, but she is too enamored with her MASSIVE BOWL OF CREAMY DISGUSTING PASTA to offer much in the way of advice.

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“We deliver!”

However, in between mouthfuls of mush, she does manage to tell Will that he’s dreamy, and a catch, and should INTRODUCE HIMSELF TO EMMA’S PARENTS . . .

Wait . . . WHAT?!

Oh, no Will . . . no, no no!  Just say NO!  Hasn’t being on this show for three seasons taught you that 9 out of 10 parents on Glee (and on most teen shows, for that matter) are ASSHATS and weirdos?

(Kurt’s dad and stepmom, and Mike’s mom, so far, seem to be the only exceptions to this rule.)

But Will doesn’t listen to my screams at the television.  And why should he?  He’s a MORON! He’s stubborn.

“Moi?”

So, Will invites Emma’s parents to his house on a night when he and Emma are SUPPOSED to be having a Romantic Dinner.  (Really Will?  And you think this is going to HELP you get laid?)  Emma is mortified, and pleads with Will to put an end to these shenanigans, ASAP.  So, Will asks HER, “Are you ashamed of me?”

(She’s not, Will.  BUT I AM!)

Emma then admits what most of us have probably known all along.  Emma isn’t ashamed of Will at all.  She’s ashamed of HER parents.  And here’s why:  One of them was on the show, Happy Days.  They are . . . wait for it . . . GINGER SUPREMACISTS.

Huh?

I know weird right . . . of all the strange deviant things the writers could have come up with for Emma’s parents, THIS is what they choose?  People who hate those who don’t have red hair?  SERIOUSLY?  Oh, and they are emotionally abusive too, which helps add some poignancy to the plotline but not much..

Well, they certainly LOOK evil . . .

All snarkery aside, when Emma’s mom, mocked Emma’s incessant silverware cleaning at the table, by calling her “Freaky Deaky,” and telling the rest of the table that she has a “case of the Cleanies,” you could tell just how much it tore Emma apart.  Kudos to Jayma Mays for adding some real legitimacy and depth, to what could have been a REALLY ridiculous story, with her impressive acting ability.  My heart really went out to Emma in this scene.

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And Will too, creepy as he may be, most of the time won some major points from me for standing up to Emma’s parents, calling them out on their racism, and emotionally abusive treatment of their daughter.  He also, more or less told them that Emma is a wonderful human being, OCD and all.

Later that night, Will finds Emma frantically rubbing her hands together compulsively before bed.  It is clear that Emma’s recent run-in with the parental units has made her OCD that much worse.  Will, of course, feels incredibly guilty (AS HE SHOULD!)  And though not a particularly religious man, he kneels down to pray with Emma, when she admits that doing so gives her comfort at her most out of control moments.

WILL: “Dear Lord, please allow me to have sex again, before I’m old enough to require a little blue pill to help me get it up.” 

And its a sweet, quiet scene . . . until Will starts singing Coldplay’s Fix You, which, though well intentioned, could be interpreted as a bit condescending, not to mention kind of contrary to the notion of Will loving Emma, exactly as she is.

I mean, yeah, Emma’s is clearly uncomfortable with her condition, and it prevents her from HAVING AWESOME SEX making the most of her life.  But still, in light of what just happened, wouldn’t it have been nicer for Will to sing something a bit more comforting?  I know, the Glee cast has already covered Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are.”  But hey, Billy Joel sang a song with that title too!

Also, I never particularly cared for Will’s “falsetto voice.”  The songs he sings on a lower register tend to be a bit less  . . . how do I put this kindly . . . annoying.  (For example, his renditions of “Tell Me Something Good,” and “Bust a Move,” remain some of my favorite Glee singles.  His version of “Kiss” by Prince . . . not so much.)  Other than that . . . um . . .  GREAT SONG!

Meanwhile, back at school .  . .

Divas Never Win (And Winners Never Diva)

“Remember when I used to be the most well-liked girl in Glee club . . . That was nice while it lasted.” 

Mercedes new Bad Influence Boyfriend, Shane, has been Lady Macbeth-ing her to shun all her friends, in pursuit of the role of Maria in West Side Story.  He puffs up Mercedes head with a lot of hot air, by telling her that the Glee club doesn’t appreciate her talents.

I couldn’t help but notice that both Mercedes and Bad Influence Boyfriend are eating tater tots in this scene.  Ahhh . . . memories. 

And that she is more like the part Beyonce played in Dreamgirls, even though she thinks of herself as the part Jennifer Hudson played.  (Umm . . . Shane . . . wait . . . wasn’t Jennifer Hudson the STAR of Dreamgirls?  Didn’t she WIN AN OSCAR FOR IT?  And wasn’t her character supposed to be . . . THE BEST SINGER IN THE GROUP?)

I mean, I get it . . . Effie in dreamgirls was a character whose talent her producers and bandmates didn’t appreciate, due to her weight . . . but still, BAD ANALOGY SHANE!  Oh, and maybe I’m stereotyping here.  But somehow I have difficulty envisioning this big burly football player going all gaga over the musical version of a chick flick . . . Just sayin’

Anywhoo, Mercedes has been a bit under the weather lately.  She is nauseous, weak, fatigued, and sore.  (Thank the lord, Amber Riley confirmed that her character is not preggars, because I REALLY can’t handle another BABY TALE!)  And because of this, she’s been a bit lax in her Glee practice and booty camp attendance.

So, of course, the increasingly screechy Will is quick to call her out on this fact at Booty Camp.  (Why is Will telling off his students becoming a weekly event on this show?)  If Mercedes expects to get support from her fellow Gleeks for her plight, she is sorely mistaken.  The recently returned to New Directions’ Santana (Mr. Schue’s candidate for screeching in Episode 1), is quick to call Mercedes out on her “laziness,” and poor eating habits.

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(Read Santana’s lips in this GIF.   Doesn’t it kind of look like she’s telling Mercedes to f*&k off?)

Tired of being (what she considers) picked on by her friends and supposed mentor, and bolstered by Bad Influence Boyfriend, Mercedes chooses to sing the soulful song “Spotlight” for her Maria audition.

Her performance impresses all of the casting directors (Beiste, Emma and Artie) greatly.  And so Mercedes begins to believe she may have a shot at being the Beyonce character in Dreamgirls, after all!

Torn between casting Rachel or Mercedes in the role of Maria, the casting directors decide to hold . . . you guessed it  .  .  . a diva off to see which “Maria” is best for the part.

SURPRISE!

Feeling like she is destined to end up in the shadow of Rachel’s spotlight, once again, Mercedes acts out in Booty Camp class, when Will berates her for not being able to successfully perform the “Widowmaker” dance move.    She accuses Will of playing favorites with Rachel, at the rest of the club’s expense.

Will is so outraged by this accusation that he offers Mercedes an ultimatum: “Shape up, or you are out of the Glee club for good.”

These harsh words inspire Mercedes to have . . . you guessed it .  . . a Dreamgirls’ Dream Sequence, with Mercedes in the role of Effie, and the rest of the Glee Club members (sans Rachel), as .  . . well . . . slightly meaner and more flashily dressed versions of themselves, I guess.  The Dream Sequence — which is based on the scene in the movie, where Effie is kicked out of the Dreamgirls for her purportedly bad behavior, when, unbeknownst to everyone else in the group, she is only acting that way because she is pregnant — pretty much features the entire cast telling Mercedes off and ditching her ass to the tune of Dreamgirls‘ “It’s All Over.”

On the day of the Diva Off, a nervous Mercedes and Rachel stand at opposite ends of the stage, with their respective boyfriends waiting in the wings to offer them support.  The song they both sing is “Out Here on My Own,” from Fame.  And though the song is not necessarily my favorite, and sounds a bit too much like the recently performed “Spotlight,” for my taste, both contenders do an admirable job performing it, with Mercedes edging out Rachel ever-so-slightly, during the parts of the song that require belting.

“I am quite the belter . . .” 

(In a way, this song was custom-made for Mercedes’ deep sultry voice, and enviably powerful pipes, thereby putting the softer, sweeter-voiced Rachel at a distinct disadvantage.)

Sorry!  That’s just how I feel. 

Rachel comes out of the audition,  certain that she has lost the role to Mercedes.  Fearing that not having the lead in the school play will make getting into that fancy New York performing arts school she covets, near impossible, Rachel impulsively vies for another after school activity to put on her resume . . . coincidentally . . . or  not-so-coincidentally . . . it’s the same after-school activity for which Kurt is campaigning (who has recently graciously accepted his boyfriend’s decision to try out for the lead in the play as well, and is even surprisingly supportive of his decision).

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“Don’t worry.  I promise it’s not a gun.” 

Kurt is crushed that his bestie would betray him in this way Not to mention surprised.  I mean, don’t you have to be POPULAR to win class president.  Most of the school HATES Rachel!.   And he is not exactly shy about telling her exactly how she feels, ” —-”  Even Finn, who, himself is no stranger to selfish behavior, seems appalled by Rachel’s lack of sensitivity.   He doesn’t even know if he’s going to vote for her!  (And now she’s probably only going to get one vote . . . her own.)

Oops!

When it comes time to choose who gets to play Maria, the show’s casting directors (lamely) decide to cast BOTH women in the role, each person gets the part for a week.  Though frustrating from a plot perspective, it seems like a fair deal for both girls, and Rachel, for her part, accepts the offer fairly readily.   But NOT MERCEDES!  Recognizing that she probably had the better audition (a point about which Rachel doesn’t necessarily disagree), Mercedes becomes convinced that the directors cast both girls, in order to protect Rachel’s feelings.

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And so she THROWS A TEMPER TANTRUM, and quits the show ALTOGETHER .  . .

. . . thereby giving Rachel the part by default.

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!  Or maybe not . . . toward the end of the episode, Mercedes approaches the director of the virtually singer-less (save the tone deaf, Sugar Motta) SECOND school Glee club, Shelby Corcoran, of being admitted into HER club, where, by default she will undoubtedly become it’s version of Rachel Berry.

The power-hungry Rachel then decides to continue to run for class president ANYWAY, despite the fact that she now has FULL reigns to the lead in the School Play, and a solid chance of getting into the ollege of her dreams, while her “friend” Kurt is still struggling to find HIS ticket to admission.  (Yeah . . . she’s kind of a b*tch . . .)

“Ooh!  You’re so BAD!” 

And the part goes to . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we FINALLY get to see who got the parts in the West Side Story  musical.   And though, the results are not all that surprising (After all, for the most part, the only people we saw rehearse all got the parts for which they rehearsed), it was still uplifting to see the looks on those Gleeks faces when they learned their school play dreams had come true . . .

I loved seeing Kurt sweetly hug Blaine, upon seeing that he was rewarded the lead role of Tony.  (Kurt ended up landing the part of Officer Krupke . . .  not bad!)

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And Santana’s adorable little understated (but obviously thrilled) smile, upon seeing that she got the part of Anita, was countered with a HUGE EMBRACE by an ecstatic Brittany.  (Have I mentioned yet today how much I ADORE these two.)

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Mike Chang’s winning the role of Riff brought tears to my eyes for about the third time, during the hour.

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And Rachel’s win of the part of Maria, though bittersweet, was not entirely unexpected, or unwanted.

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(Remember when Blaine and Rachel drunk kissed last season, during the “Blame it On the Alcohol,” episode?  Oh yeah!  We are going to get some more of that!)

So, that was Glee, in a nutshell.  I must say, I share many Gleeks admiration for this touching, and well-acted episode, which I feel truly harkened back to the show’s Season 1, heydey.  Mercedes, Will, and Rachel kind of pissed me off, though . . .

“Et tu Recapper?”

Tune in next MONTH, when Quinn makes a play for Baby Beth, Puck makes a play for Shelby . . .

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 . . . and Mercedes and Santana shoot for ALTERNA-GLEE CLUB super-stardom.  You can check out the trailer for the next episode, which is entitled “Pot O’Gold,” here:

So, my Gleekies, what did you think of “Asian F?”  Was it all you hoped for in a Glee episode and more?  Or did you find it to be a bit overhyped?  Are you as much in love with Mike Chang  (and his abs) as I am?  Do you think Mercedes is a bigger diva than Rachel?  And, perhaps least importantly, which Glee kid do you think Mr. Schue is going to freak out on in Episode 4?

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Feel free to sound off in the comment section below.  And please,  take your time . . . we have a loooong hiatus ahead of us . . .

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

Show Me Your Horn, Baby! – A Recap of Glee’s “I Am Unicorn”

“Now, Brittany, I understand that sex sells.   But don’t you think that using a picture of me with a giant stick coming out of my head is a bit  . . . um . . . horn-y, for a high school campaign?” 

Greetings Gleeks!  This week’s episode was all about embracing who you are, and being yourself unless you are a goth-looking skank, or a bad-dancing mechanic, then this episode was about being someone more socially acceptable.  Though admittedly light on musical numbers (there were only three, and all of them were show tunes), “I Am Unicorn,” was filled with a ton of heart, a sh*tload of unicorns, and some REALLY, REALLY big horns . . .

“It’s not the size of your horn, but where you stick it how you use it that really matters.”

Let’s review, shall we?

Because I’ve Always Personally Been Curious About the Bathroom Habits of Mythical Creatures

 

It starts off just like any other morning at McKinley High.  Kurt is primping and prepping in front of his locker, and making googly eyes at the wallet-sized snapshot of Blaine that hangs therein, when Brittany arrives.  Brittany has great news.  Apparently, Kurt is the Biggest Unicorn in the entire SCHOOL!

What is a unicorn, you ask?  Well, according to Brittany, a unicorn is a horse who got a horn for doing a good deed.  Then, he poops out cotton candy, until his horn falls off, and becomes a zebra.  Wait . . . what?  Did I really just type that?

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Apparently, I did . . . 

As bizarre as this all sounds, in Brittany’s Little World, being told that you poop cotton candy is a compliment of the highest order!  Brittany is so impressed with Kurt’s individuality and ability to survive insurmountable odds, that she wishes to become his campaign manager for Student Council President.  Brittany believes that her popularity, coupled with the fact that she is kind of slutty, can help the Mythical Creature Kurt to win a ton of votes.

And so, she invites herself over to his house to go over poster ideas.  A skeptical Kurt asks Brittany why SHE didn’t want to run for Student Council herself.  To this, she responds that she’s not smart enough.

This made me sad . . . (almost sad enough to poop cotton candy).

Fortunately, I manage to restrain myself (and took some Immodium) for the sake of continuing this recap.

After school, Brittany heads over to Kurts house, to show him his new campaign posters.  And they are, pretty much, the most awesome campaign posters I have EVER SEEN!  And yet, one can’t help but notice that they have a bit of a “theme” to them . . .

Kurt, who is currently clad in his tight green henley shirt, and sailor’s cap, is just appalled by how “GAY” the posters are.  He says that he’d prefer a more neutral campaign poster, like THIS one . . .

Ummm . .  . Kurt?  I hate to break it to you, but your poster doesn’t exactly scream “I like to bang chicks,” either.  It also says “winning” on it, a word that has been forever ruined by Charlie Sheen . . . just sayin’. 

And besides Kurt, Brittany’s campaign strategy is AMAZING.  It involves giving everybody at school Big Pink Sparkly Glitter Bags with minature versions of Tinky Winky in them.  And who doesn’t love Tinky Winky?

Now THAT’S a teletubby who knows how to accessorize!

When Brittany (with Santana’s help) begins the process of putting her posters up all around school, Kurt freaks out and starts ripping them down (more on why later).  His ungrateful reaction stuns and deeply hurts Brittany, who now believes she has failed her precious unicorn.  That is until Santana comes to the rescue, with her surprisingly sweet, and heartfelt, pep talk.  (How adorable are these two?)

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Santana tells Brittany that her campaign is brilliant . . . that there is no one like her . . and that she IS the unicorn.

And what’s great about the speech, is that it’s so NOT the typical type of thing the usually-caustic Santana would say. But Brittany brings out a sort of protective, and almost maternal, kindness in Santana that few other people get the chance to see.

Plus, she’s right.  Those posters rock! And Kurt rose to the top of my Poopy List for denigrating them . . .

Take THAT
Hummel!

Speaking of maternal influences . . .

Two Glee Clubs (for the price of one), One Baby (for the price of hair dye)

“Awww . . . see that little piece of hair sticking up on the side?  That’s Baby’s first Mohawk!”

Did anyone else find it fishy that Shelby Corcoran, Vocal Adrenaline’s first coach, arrived at McKinley High to run a second Glee Club it doesn’t need, right around the time that Dustin Ghoulsby, Vocal Adrenaline’s second coach (a.k.a. the HOT one) . . .

 . . . was purportedly fired from his position, leaving New Direction’s main rival without a supervisor?  Here’s hoping this isn’t another one of those annoying Vocal Adrenaline SPY plotlines.  After all, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time such a thing has happened . . .

 . . . or the second, for that matter . . .

Anywhoo, just as many of us suspected, tone deaf, self-diagnosed Asperger’s sufferer, Sugar Motta, didn’t take being rejected by the New Directions lying down.  Instead, she had her daddy pay for the school to start a WHOLE NEW Glee club, one where she will be the star.

“And we shall call our selves ‘Mr. Motta’s Strangled Cats,’ because our unique sound will be similar to that of animals dying.’“

Nevermind the fact that NOBODY at McKinley High, save for the people ALREADY IN GLEE CLUB, have any interest in show choir (in fact, most of them HATE show choir . . . and want to throw slushees at it).  Also, nevermind the fact that McKinley High never seems to have any money for the after-school clubs it ALREADY has . . .

In Shelby’s defense, she doesn’t seem particularly interested in coaching show choir, at all.  She’d much rather spend her time flirting with Mr. Schue, apologizing for abandoning singing more random duets with her Bio Daughter, Rachel, and taunting Puck and Quinn with the baby they gave up for adoption this past year.

Nothing says, I’m sorry I crippled you with self-doubt, Daughter, by skipping town, right when we were starting to get close, like dramatically holding hands, during a musical number . . .

While I’m still not buying Shelby as being a warm and / or maternal individual, she IS a good musical coach.  And her advice to Rachel that she should sing West Side Story’s “Somewhere,” during her audition for the aforementioned play, as opposed to the well-worn, and, obnoxiously conceited (not to mention, Rachel already sang it in another episode) “I Feel Pretty,” was solid.  I also feel like this duet was WAY more story- appropriate, and pleasing to the ears, than that admittedly bizarre duet that the mother/daughter duo did to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face,” during Shelby’s last appearance on the show . . .

You can listen to “Somewhere” in its entirety, by clicking below . . .

After possibly saving her biological daughter from a lifetime of therapy, Shelby schedules a visit with Puck and the now-skankified Quinn to discuss their possibly becoming a part of THEIR biological daughter’s life.

“Just because I now look like Frenchie from Grease, and have a ridiculous Minnie Mouse bow in my head, doesn’t mean you should keep me from seeing my child.” 

Shelby gives Puck and Quinn an ultimatum.  They can be part of their daughter’s life, provided they agree to look like they came out of a J Crew catalogue at all times.  (I know, I know, that wasn’t she said.  But I’m trying to prove a point here.)

Those of you who have read my Glee-caps before probably know that I’ve been SERIOUSLY missing my darling Puck-ster, ever since the odious Lauren Zizes hijacked his personality (and his balls), last season.

No comment. 

So, the fact that I was treated to a deliciously poignant Puck-centric scene this week, really did mean a lot to me.

Puck visits Shelby at her own home, so that his in-person pleas to be able to see his daughter Beth cannot be ignored.  “I’ll do anything to prove to you that I can be her life.  Please, just give me a chance,” Puck exclaims earnestly.  He even comes bearing some surprisingly impressive (It’s better than I can do, anyway) artwork for the child . . .

Who doesn’t love a good Clown Pig? 

Eventually, Puck’s surprising politeness, and adorableness crack Shelby’s hard facade.  She eventually lets Puck hold (and spend some quality time) with his daughter, with whom anyone could tell he is already enamored . . .

Now, Baby’s got a REAL Mohawk! 

As for Quinn, she’s busy helping the Skanks stuff small girls’ heads in toilets, so they can steal their lunch money  .  . .

Fun! 

New Congressional Hopeful, Sue, immediately recognizes Quinn’s estrangement from . . . well . .  . everything and everybody.  And so, she decides to explot her, in order to undermine Glee club, as per usual bolster her Congressional campaign.  Sue asks Quinn to star in her “The Arts Ate My Life” campaign promo.  And Quinn agrees, provided Sue puts couches under the bleachers, so that Quinn doesn’t have to strain her now emphyzema-filled ASS, while she’s busy trying to “be bad.”

“Doesn’t wearing a hat like that make your head sweat?”

No longer content to just shame Mr. Schue’s program, Sue has to go and humiliate Mr. Schue himself, by having Quinn confront him about how “Glee club ruined her life,” on video . . .

Though Sue’s manipulation of the situation is not particularly surprising, Mr. Schue’s reaction to the event definitely is . . .  He proceeds to scream right back in Quinn’s face, dishing her out some incredibly tough love about how she is basically a spoiled brat, who perpetually plays the Victim Card, whenever things don’t go her way.

Source

SING IT, Sista!

He also claims that she has no one to blame but herself for her own misfortune.  (Well . . . in Quinn’s defense, that’s not entirely true.  Quinn’s teenage pregnancy was also Puck’s fault . . .at least a little bit. After all, eggs alone do not a baby make, right?)

They do make for a mean omlette though . . .

The harsh speech definitely has its intended effect on Quinn, who runs out of the room in tears, declining to complete the promotional spot.  However, a real change in the character doesn’t occur until SHE, like Puck before her, visits Shelby in her classroom, to talk about the possibility of HER seeing Beth . . .

*sniffle, sniffle* “I’ve just got all these FEELINGS!” 

 Shelby is mildly sympathetic to her plight (after all, she apparently, also had a nervous breakdown and shaved her head after giving up Rachel).  “Stop punishing yourself for things you did when you were a child . . . er  . . . I mean . . last year . . . says Shelby, sympathetically.  However, the former Vocal Adrenaline coach is still not prepared to waver on this issue:  “No Pink Hair Bleachy Back to Blondie = No Baby.”

The next day, at Mr. Schue’s Mandatory Booty Dance Camp for Horrible Glee Club Dancers, (Hello Finn and Kurt) . . .

 . . . Mr. Schue has just completed teaching Finn the complex wonders of the box step, when Quinn enters the room.  Once again, she is clad in her “pure” white dress, and boring blonde hair, a.k.a. back to being the Stepford Wife everybody always wanted her to be . . .

Source

Quinn asks to be accepted back in Glee club.  And Mr. Schue, (who really was kind of an asshat to her anyway) “graciously” accepts.  Puck is in Bad Dancing Class too.  And he is looking at Quinn with stars in his eyes, thrilled that, he can once again begin boning someone, who isn’t as awful as Lauren Zizes . . . while wearing condoms, of course that the two of them will now be able to see their baby and become a part of her life . . . together.

BUT WAIT!  There’s a twist!

Apparently, Quinn’s meteoric “Return to Normalcy” (it took less than two episodes, after all . . . which is kind of disappointing, I must say) is not entirely for the reasons everybody thinks.  With a maniacal laugh, and bleached mustache twirl, a disturbingly determined Quinn reveals ot a horrified Puck that she is going to do whatever it takes to get full custody of Beth, even if it means having to give up her pre-existing spot in “Jem and the Holograms.” pretending that she’s NOT having a nervous breakdown . . ., which she most definitely is . . .

“Is this the part where your head starts spinning around and spewing out green stuff?” 

Meanwhile, elsewhere on campus . . .

The Perfect Camille (but not the perfect Tony)

“So, guys, how about that Packers game, last night?  That final play was really something, wasn’t it?  Did you notice how cute his butt looked in . . . oops .  . . I did it again, didn’t I?” 

McKinley High’s production of West Side Story will be produced by Emma Pillsbury, Coach Beiste (who eats an entire chicken at EVERY MEAL), Artie Abrams, and NOT MR. SCHUE .  . .

 . . . because he has to focus on winning Nationals . . .

Auditioning for roles in the play will be Kurt (of course), Mr. I-Have-Magically-Become-a-Junior-Even-Though-I-Started-The-Show-Older-Than-Kurt Blaine, and NOT FINN . . .

. . .  because he will be busy trying to become a less sucky dancer . . .

“You put your right foot in.  You put your right foot out.  You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.  You do the Hokey Pokey . . .”

 . . . and working at Burt Hummel’s car shop as a mechanic . . . which Rachel Berry is trying not to judge him for . . . but she TOTALLY is judging him . . . only because she thinks he is “better than that” and, therefore, should follow her around like a puppy dog in New York for the rest of his life, as she pursues her dream to become the next Barbara Streisand.

RACHEL: “If I have to hit you with this big stick thingy to get you to listen to reason, I will.”

FINN: “It’s called a tire iron.”

RACHEL: “Whatever, my on-staff chauffeur will be servicing my cars, when I grow up . . .” 

Kurt, for some reason, thinks that the perfect audition song for the role of a macho former-gang member / alpha male named Tony is a Barbara Streisand song, in which he calls himself the “perfect Camille,” prances around the stage in short pants, and flips around some monkey bar contraption like a female gymnast . . .

The song he performs is called, “The Greatest Star,” and you can watch his audition, in its entirety, here:

But then Kurt overhears the show’s directors and producers discussing how Kurt might not appear manly enough to play Tony.  So, he decides to remedy their opinion by GETTING INTO TIGHTS, AND ROLLING AROUND ON A MATTRESS WITH RACHEL BERRY, WHILE SPOUTING SHAKESPEARE MONOLOGUES ABOUT BIRDS?

The results of his second impromptu audition are unsatisfying to say the least.  (But, HILARIOUS!)

It’s Kurt’s devastating realization that he will never get to star in an action movie, or play the romantic lead in a movie about a pro wrestler . . . or a football player . . . or any male character that would feel out of place wearing a pink ascot, that makes him freak out on poor Brittany for pasting those Big Gay Posters, featuring a very horn-y Kurt throughout school . . .

That is, until, he has a talk with his Trusty Old Dad . . .

“Cue the Full House music son.   It’s time for the lesson of the day.” 

Burt tells Kurt, “SURPRISE!  You’re GAY!”

 

“Like . . . really gay  . . . like singing like Diana Ross and owning a Chocolate Factory, gay.”

“Excuse me, Burt.  Did you just call me, Willy Wonka, gay?  I’m NOT gay.  I just really like children and candy . . .  I might be a pedophile, though . . .”

Burt tells Kurt that, if he wants to be a star, he is going to have to chart his own career path, and create his own roles.  And to do this, he must embrace his Big Gay Unicorny self.  So, Kurt decides to do just that.

But it’s too late, because Brittany has already decided (thanks to Santana) that SHE’S a unicorn too.  And she’s going to run for Student Council President against Kurt.

 (And it seems pretty obvious that, mentally challenged or not, she’s TOTALLY going to kick his ass, so . . .)

But that’s OK!  Because, Kurt might still get the role of Tony.  After all,  there’s no one really talented enough to take the role in his place . . .

Well . . . there’s Blaine, but he wouldn’t audition for Tony.  After all, he’s a JUNIOR right?  And a junior wouldn’t want to step on a senior’s toes right?  RIGHT?

OK . . . OK . . . so Blaine’s rendition of “Something’s Coming,” a song that Tony (not someone named Camille) ACTUALLY sings in West Side Story, was pretty darn amazing.  And Blaine’s a pretty manly looking (and acting) guy . . .

 . . . well . . . at least when he wants to be!

But that doesn’t mean the producers are going to GIVE him the role of Tony over Kurt, does it?

Yeah, sorry Kurt!  You’re totally screwed . . .

Until next time, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Paint the Town Blood Red – A Recap of Being Human’s “Something to Watch Over Me”

“Hey, there Crazy Cop Guy!  Long time, no see!  Hey, remember that one time when you were 10, and I ate your dad?  Haha, GOOD TIMES!”

(Ummm . . . yeah . . .  so this recap . . . is ridiculously late.  Sorry about that!  Consider it a “Refresher Course” to prepare you for tomorrow night’s episode!)

With Friends Like These . . .

This past week’s episode dealt with the various ways in which one’s past can come back to haunt him, in ways he may never have expected.  It all started with Social Butterfly Aidan wanting to expand his Social Network.  After all, the dude had been on the planet for centuries, and STILL, his only Facebook Friends are Bishop and his motley crew of Evil Blood Suckers . . .

Bishops “Likes” include: Vampire Recruitment, Compelling waitresses to give you free food, Grave Robbing, and World Domination

 . . . Shut-in Sally, who’s Status Updates are always the same.  (ex.  “I miss Danny.”  “Gee, I wonder Danny still thinks about me.”  “Do you think I can have Hot Ghost Sex with Danny some day?”)

“Blah, blah, blah DANNY, blah, blah, blah SAD, blah, blah, blah, I LOVED HIM,” *sniff, pout, cry, repeat*

 . . .and Josh, who once a month, leaves embarassing, and incoherent ramblings on Aidan’s “Wall” . . .

EXAMPLE: Grrrrroworororor Nom, Nom, Nom, Tasty Bunny, GRRRRRRR, Yummy Deer, GRRRR

So, Aidan has this great idea to start a Neighborhood Watch.  (You know . . .  to protect the community from scary things that could really hurt them . . . like vampires, werewolves, and ghosts.)  Inherent irony of the situation notwithstanding . . . seriously?   THAT was Aidan’s grand plan to make Cool New Pals?  Was it Aidan’s INTENTION to collect the lamest group of friends EVER?  Because, really, how many “cool people” do you know who participate in the Neighborhood Watch?

Oh yeah . . . Granny over here looks like just the person I’d want protecting the streets from evil, while I sleep.

Seriously though, if Aidan and Josh REALLY wanted to start a social circle including a group of their peers, wouldn’t it have made more sense to start a Twilight book club?

Bella, Edward, and the rest of the Cullens “Like” this . . .

Most notable among the Neighborhood Watch attendees are . . . Josh’s Mini Me

 . . . some chick who looks like Daria Morgendorffer from that old MTV cartoon . . .

Man, I miss that show!

  . . . Danny . . . who, of course, leaves right away, after seeing how LAME this party is . . .  (Not that Danny isn’t ALSO lame, because he totally is!)

“Is this the Star Trek Fan Club meeting?”

 . . . and this Creepy Cop Guy with Mountain Man Facial Hair, who keeps staring intently at Aidan, like he wants to make out with him . . .

“Oooh, he must work out!  I wonder if he has a Cop Fetish . . . or a thing for Guy’s with Beards . . .”

Aidan and Josh Try to Pimp Out Sally . . .

The next morning, the three roomies are hanging out in the bathroom, discussing how Sally might not be nearly so uptight and annoying, if she got laid every once in a while.  So, Aidan and Josh decide to set Sally up with a ghost that Aidan met while working at the hospital.  His name is Tony.  But I would prefer to refer to him as the Ghost of Eighties Past . . .

At first, Sally is not down with boinking this Hair Band Reject.  She likes her men more boring, soft-spoken, and effeminate.  You know . . . like Danny.  But then, through some scientific miracle that I can’t even begin to explain, Ghost of Eighties Past is able to SHAKE SALLY’S HAND (and, from the looks and sound of it, give her a MAJOR GHOST ORGASM!) . . .

I hope he washed his hands, first!

Suddenly, Sally is totally down for “playing” with the Ghost of Eighties Past.  Things get even MORE exciting, when he tells her that she is not stuck in the house forever, as she previously thought.   (Oh, thank the LORD!  I couldn’t take much more of that!)  You see, Sally doesn’t have a corporeal form like you and me.  And, for that reason, she can go anywhere she wants, just by using her MIND! 

This, of course, THRILLS Sally to no end.  And, knowing that she can go anywhere, I bet you will never guess where she decides to go first?

Yeah . . . right back to the bathroom, where she was two seconds ago!  (Girl’s got the imagination of a peanut!)   After everyone’s peed and pooped, Sally decides to go downstairs and bother Josh, who is watching TV with his new friends Mini Me, and Daria Morgendorffer.  The problem is, only JOSH can see her, which basically makes him look like a TOTAL lunatic, in front of his new pals . . .

The Awkward Moment when you are watching TV with your pals, and a weird Ghost Chick sits on your lap, and starts talking to you about flying . . .

Finally, Josh and the Ghost of Eighties Past manage to convince Sally to get the HELL out of the house.  And so she does . . . and by out, I mean RIGHT OUTSIDE HER DOOR.  (I lied. Peanuts are WAY more imaginative than Sally . . .)

Sally is so VERY proud of herself for moving an extra two inches, that she begins dancing around in circles like a five-year old.  Ghost of Eighties Past, of course, sees this as a BRILLIANT opportunity to get into her sweatpants . . .

I mean that literally, of course, “Tony’s” bottom half ACTUALLY intertwines with, and becomes part of, Sally’s.  It’s kind of gross, actually.  Sally, of course, is APPALLED at the notion of screwing anyone aside from Dear Danny.  And she tells Tony as much.  Feeling rejected, Tony skulks back to his Mom’s Basement, where you just know he lived, until the day he died . . . at age 35.  As for Sally, she goes back inside to pout about . . . you guessed it . . . Danny.

Josh tries to put some sense into Sally, explaining to her, that life isn’t an old Demi Moore movie from the Early 90’s.  So, she’s never again going to be able to make “sweet, sweet . . . ghostly pottery” with Danny.  The sooner she gets used to that, the better . . .

Then Ghost of Eighties Past returns to apologize to Sally.  And I fell in love a bit more with Josh, as he defended Sally’s honor and chastity.  “Well, if it isn’t Casper the HANDSY Ghost!  Not THE PLAN, MAN!”  Josh growls at Tony (even though, let’s be honest, getting Sally laid was TOTALLY his plan!).

Once he’s certain that Sally isn’t going to get Ghost Raped in her own house, Josh leaves the Dead Pair to their own devices . . .

Sally reluctantly forgives Tony for being an Invisible Date Rapist, and ultimately agrees to continue her Ghost Therapy with him.  Since, Tony knows that Sally SUCKS at choosing travel destinations, he decides to select the next one . . . and it’s .  . . a cemetery.

Wow, morbid much?  Come to think of it, maybe letting Sally pick the destination all the time, wasn’t such a bad idea, after all.  Ghost of Eighties Past Tony has decided to show Sally her grave, so that she can FINALLY come to terms with her own death.  In Tony’s experience, doing this usually gives a Ghost the closure they need to cross over to the other side . . .

Unfortunately, for Sally, it just gives her grass stains on her ass!  So, Tony decides to let her pick the next destination for their Wild and Wonderful Ghostly Journey . . .  I’ll give you three guesses as to where they go.  But I’m sure you will only need one.  (And, no, it’s not the bathroom, this time.)

*sigh*  Danny AGAIN!  This time, she’s in his friggin house, staring at him, while he sleeps in his friggin bed.  Ghost of Eighties Past gets fed up with her (just like the rest of us) and bails.  We don’t blame him.

Back at the apartment, Josh tells Sally that he doesn’t think that her moving into Danny’s place will give her the closure she needs to move on to Heaven, or wherever it is she’s meant to go.  So, Sally heads back to the cemetery to do some thinking . . . Tony is there waiting for her.  He tells her that listening to Sally do nothing but bitch and moan about Danny for two days made him want to strangle her think about the love of his life, and whether she was doing “OK.” 

So, he visited her.  And, guess what, she’s doing JUST FINE, without the Hair Band Reject, who she dated ONCE 23 years ago!  (SURPRISE!)  Tony helpfully notes that, because his “ex” girlfriend was “open” to his presence, he was able to physically touch her  .  . hand.  (Don’t get too excited, this is SyFy, not Skinimax . . . ) 

But you KNOW how much Sally likes HANDSHAKES, right?

So, this is VERY good news for her.

Then, a Very Cheesy and WAY TOO Literal Door to the Otherside magically appears in the cemetery.  Everybody assumes its for Sally.  (Actually, NOBODY assumes its for Sally.  Because then there would be no more show.  And we’ve only had three episodes so far.  But we’ll play along . . .)

Sally tells the Ghost of Eighties Past that she knows the door is for HIM, not her.  And so, he thanks her, and heads toward the door, secretly wishing his Guest Star Appearance could have been longer than one episode . . .

Don’t be sad, Tony!  I hear they are filming a Ghost Version of Friends on the other side, and need someone to play Joey.  You’d be PERFECT!

At the end of the episode, Sally returns to Danny’s house.  (AGAIN?  SERIOUSLY?  ARE THEY KIDDING WITH THIS?)  She tries to “touch” Danny, but finds, to her chagrin that he may already be “touching” someone else, if you catch my drift . . .

The Awkward Moment when you realize that your best friend and your once-fiance might be f*&king, and that they might do it on the couch RIGHT IN YOUR LAP!

And now for the storylines that didn’t annoy me . . .

Keeping the Neighborhood Safe from Graffiti Artists

Awww, Josh!  You’ve gotta love him!  He may not always get the best plotlines on this show.  But he always makes do with what he has, by tossing out cute one liners, and charming us with HILARIOUS facial expressions!  This week’s storyline, no joke, revolved around Josh trying to catch a neighborhood grafitti artist.  His partner in crime on the hunt, was a guy who was pretty much exactly the person Josh WOULD HAVE BEEN, had he never been werewolf-ed.

While on the Watch, Josh chats with Mini Me, and learns that his alter ego is hoping to start his medical residency at the same hospital where Josh is currently working as an orderly.  If you recall, Josh wanted to go to medical school, but never enrolled due to his CHANGE.  Though Josh tries to be friendly and nonchalant, you can tell this conversation is really making Josh feel like crap about his life. 

So, when the pair actually do find the Graffiti artist in question, a highly emotional Josh goes all Wolverine on his ass! 

No, he wasn’t shirtless at the time.  Yes, I’m using this adorable image anyway.  Got a problem with that?

Mini Me looks on with amusement, which quickly gives way to horror, as Josh nearly rips the poor hoodlum in half, for doing nothing more serious than leaving a little extra paint on the wall.  Eventually, Josh comes back to himself, and skulks away, as the graffiti artist, thankfuly, regains consciousness. 

The next day at work, Mini Me is at the hospital awaiting an interview for the residency position, when he sees poor orderly Josh, literally sweeping crap off the floor.  Mini Me wants to take Wolf Boy out for lunch.  However, a miserably depressed Josh declines.  Josh later admits to Aidan that he no longer wants to do his transformations at the hospital.  He feels that, in order to maintain a “human” lifestyle,” he must embrace the wolf within him.  Only by keeping that part of his life completely separate from his REAL one, will he be able to completely ensure that no one he cares about gets hurt.

The bad news, of course, is Poor Josh now feels even more lonely and isolated than before.  The good news? I smell MORE OUTDOOR NUDEY SHOTS! 🙂

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Drive Insane . . .

After learning from Bishop that the Crazy Cop Dude who was giving Aidan the eye, during the Neighborhood Watch meeting, has been using police resources to peek into Aidan’s past, Aidan promises that he will “handle it.”  So, he meets Crazy Cop dude at a nearby bar, and confirms that the guy really is Batsh&t Insane, just as Bishop had feared . . .

Even though Crazy Cop Dude looks quite a bit older than Aidan, the former is ABSOLUTELY certain that Aidan is the evil criminal who murdered his dad in cold blood, back when Crazy Cop Dude was just 10-years old.  To prove his point, Crazy Cop Dude pulls out a police sketch of his dad’s killer — a drawing that he’s probably had stuffed in his pants for about 30-years now.  (EW!)

I assume this picture is supposed to look just like Aidan.  But, honestly, it looks more like Frankenstein to me  . . .

Aidan logically reasons that there is no way he could have killed Crazy Cop Dude’s father, as he wasn’t even “ALIVE” when the guy was murdered.  (Get it . . . he was UNDEAD, during that time!  Har, de, har, har)  Then, since awkward conversations always make Aidan have to pee, he excuses himself, and heads to the bathroom . . . Of course, Crazy Cop Dude follows.

Quick, Aidan . . . PEE ON HIS LEG!

Crazy Cop Dude REALLY wants Aidan to take off his shirt (as do WE!).  Unfortunately, his reasons aren’t NEARLY as fun as ours.  You see, Crazy Cop Dude remembers that his dad’s killer had a tattoo on his chest with the name “Celine.”  He wants to see if Aidan has the same tattoo.  Fortuntely (or unfortunately, depending on how much you really wanted to see Shirtless Aidan this week), Aidan manages to scamper away before Crazy Cop Dude gets a chance to undress him.

But just when we think our boy Aidan’s going to be A-OK, Crazy Cop Dude jumps him in some alleyway.  And then THIS happens . . .

Where’s the Neighborhood Watch when you need them, right?

Now, that Aidan’s been nailed to the wall, like some cheap piece of religious artwork, Crazy Cop Dude takes this opportunity to ogle his chest (YAY!).  And yes, as supected, Aidan does bare the incriminating CELINE tattoo on his chest.  But, honestly, I was too mesmerized by his hot pects and erect nipples to give that much thought . . .

WOAH!

Once Crazy Cop Dude has left the scene, and Aidan has finally managed to disimpale himself from the WALL, our Friendly Neighborhood Vampire rushes to the hospital for a quick drink . . .

And, honestly, I’ve got to say, given how LONG Aidan has been drinking blood, I’m a bit disappointed in what a Piggy Eater he turned out to be.  Aidan, take note:  there are WAY classier ways to dispose of a blood bag.  Watch and learn . . .

Any questions?

You know, Aidan should REALLY start thinking twice about visiting public restrooms, because when he gets out of the stall after his little snack (looking FABULOUS, in his Super Tight White Tank Top, I might add), yet another Creepo is waiting for him . . .

Bishop is in the Potty with Aidan.  Apparently, Big Bad Vampire Daddy REALLY wants to rub in Aidan’s face, what a “crap” job he has done so far in taking care of this whole Crazy Cop Dude thing . . .

*sings* “Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah, you’re a Sucky Vampire!”

Aidan insists that, contrary to appearances, he TOTALLY has everything under control.  You see, Aidan plans to compel Crazy Cop Dude to forget that Aidan killed his father, all those years ago.  Bishop thinks this is a TERRIBLE idea, as Aidan has always been pretty lousy at compulsion, and has undoubtedly become even worse at it, since he stopped consuming LIVE blood.  Bishop would prefer the more “honest” method of turning Crazy Cop Dude into a vampire himself. 

I notice that this seems to be Bishop’s answer to EVERY problem.  If Nike’s slogan is “Just Do It,” Bishop’s must be “Just Turn Them.”  What Bishop doesn’t realize, however, is that his plan presents a number of logistical problems — the most notable being this:  If EVERYONE on Earth is a vampire, who will be left to eat?

“Beats me!”

Not believing that his SIRE will make the right decision, when it comes to handling Crazy Cop Dude, Bishop (who in addition to being Head of Vampire Human Resources, and Local Funeral Director, is also, apparently, Police Chief) heads over to Crazy Cop Dude’s House to “talk.”

To be honest, I’m not quite sure why BISHOP didn’t compel Crazy Cop Dude to forget about his father’s murder, himself.  After all, HE would certainly be strong enough to successfully remove the offending memories, without screwing the guy up any more than he already was.  But, NO . . . Bishop is intent on getting another vampire for his growing collection.  And so, he offers Crazy Cop Dude the Vampire Recruitment Pitch. 

Crazy Cop Dude isn’t impressed.  But when he tries to escape, Bishop’s henchman is waiting for him . . .

But before Mr. Henchman can turn Crazy Cop Dude into Aidan’s Blood Brother, Aidan arrives on the scene and intervenes.  Henchman is ready to do battle with him, but Bishop smugly insists that Aidan and Crazy Cop Dude be left to their own devics.  Clearly, Bishop has bigger plans in store for his petulant vampire child . . .

So, Aidan tries his hand at removing the offending memories from Crazy Cop Dude’s brain . . .

“I’ve got a headache THIS BIG . . . and it’s screaming for Vampire Compulsion!”

The next day, Aidan stalks Crazy Cop Dude’s home a bit.  And when Aidan spies Crazy Cop Dude picking up the morning paper like a Normal Person, he is, understandably relieved . . .

Problem solved, right?  Well . . . not exactly . . .

Cut to the next morning, where Bishop is giving Aidan a few choice words about the events of the previous evening.  “You were right, Aidan.  YOUR WAY was MUCH more humane,” Bishop snarks, throwing a large brown envelope in front of his “child,” before exiting stage left.  And you KNOW what was in that envelope, don’t you?

THIS  . . .

OK . . . now THAT’s just gross!

Just as Bishop had predicted, Aidan’s botched attempt at helping Crazy Cop Dude, by plucking traumatic memories from his brain, had the unintended effect of driving him so BATSH&T INSANE that the poor guy offed himself.  Now, that’s gotta suck!  Whether or not you felt this result was inevitable, your heart had to go out to poor Aidan, as he flipped through those grisly photographs, and wondered whether he could have somehow prevented this from happening . . . 

(Kudos to Sam Witwer for quietly breaking my heart during this scene, with his understated, yet breathtakingly touching, performance.)

And, just because I don’t like to end my recaps on a truly depressing note, please enjoy this picture of Sam Witwer Shirtless and holding a phallic object .  . .

You’re welcome.

[www.juliekushner.com]

The One Where No One Can Stop Staring at Chris’ . . . Pants – A Recap of U.S. Skins’ “Chris”

“Look at me.  I’m looking at myself through a broken mirror, to symbolize my shattered youth, multi-faceted personality, and ‘broken’ sense of self.  Wowwww . . . MTV is SOOOO deep.”

Here’s a scenario for you.  You are 16-years old.  One morning, you find yourself home alone, with no parental guardians in sight.  There is a big fat wad of cash on your kitchen counter.  You also seem to be having some major “issues” with your nether regions.  What do YOU do? 

Chances are, if you DIDN’T answer: throw a raging, drug and sex-fueled, party at your house, for the entire teenage population of where the heck it is you’re from, this probably isn’t the show for you.  You also may very well be an undercover member of the Parent Teacher Council.

If the film Home Alone was ever converted into a porno flick, I suspect it would look a lot like Episode 3 of U.S. Skins (which, coincidentally, looks almost EXACTLY like Season 1, Episode 4 of U.K. Skins).

Weiner Hijinks Ensue

Chris, is that a shower cap on your Mr. Happy, or are you just REALLY happy to see that stove?

In the opening moments of Skins‘ third episode, we are introduced (or re-introduced, rather) to slacker high school student, Chris.  MTV’s website characterizes Chris as “happy-go-lucky.”  And when we meet him in this episode, we learn that the description might not exactly have been referring to his “personality.”

In addition to Chris, we are also introduced to another character on Skins, one that plays a major part in this episode, and who may actually possess better comedic timing than all of the show’s cast members combined.  Of course, I am referring to Chris’ . . .  hot dog.

Thus proving that MTV shows will give absolutely ANYONE and ANYTHING a SAG card these days . . .

Case in point . . .

To kick off what I would hereby like to refer to as the “Chris and His Weiner Comedy Hour,” we are treated to a montage of sorts, featuring Chris and his Better (and Lower) Half, engaging in all sorts of zany fun!  Here are just some of the highlights: (1) Chris and His Weiner feed the fish!  (2) Chris and His Weiner try to pee,  but Weiner shoots Chris in the face!  (3) Chris and His Weiner take a Shower!  (4) Chris and His Weiner make Eggs for Breakfast!  (Are you watching this, Viagra?  Because I’m pretty sure MTV just wrote your next television commercial . . .)

Fun Times with Dick, however, is interrupted, when Chris finds something VERY SPECIAL on his kitchen counter . . .

Holy Smokes!  It’s 1,000 blooming buckaroos, or, as the Cool Kids are calling it these days, One G.  It’s like CHRISTMAS for Chris!  (Weiner, however, who was hoping for yet ANOTHER box of Viagra, can’t help but be a tad disappointed.)  Not sure of how he should proceed, a still half-naked Chris, tapes Weiner to his pant leg . . .

“I’ll BE BACK!”

 . . . and invites his friends over for a Highly Homoerotic Kitchen Encounter Pow Wow of Epic Proportions.

Does anyone else think that Nu-Tony looks a bit like Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years, or am I totally off base here?

While Stanley thinks that Chris should invest his wad of cash in some low-risk tax free bonds, and Weiner thinks he should invest in more Viagra, the rest of the crew seem to think that a Big Party is the way to go.  So, a Big Party is what we get . . .

It’s a PAAAAARRRRTTTYY!

Weiner, of course, was highly insulted by the fact that, while Chris’ Nipples got to roam free and mingle with the rest of the party guests (See Picture Above), HE had to stay tucked away.  Weiner needn’t have worried though, he was still the TALK of the party, and despite being, more or less, “hidden from view,” all eyes were DEFINITELY on him . . .

ABBUD:  “Hey Tea, do you think Chris’Weiner likes me?  Sometimes, I think he does . . . Other times, I’m not so sure.”

TEA: “Chris’ Weiner likes EVERYBODY, Abbud!”

While Abbud and Tea are discussing the logistics of Chris’ nether regions, Tony arrives to do what he seems to do best:  Stare Longingly, and Silently Pine for Love . . .

*Sigh*

Based on last week’s little Dance / Sex Session, we assume Tony’s Sad Little Eye F*&k  is directed at Tea . . .

. . . but it very well may be directed at Abbud.  On this show, you can never be too sure.

Speaking of people who like to Stare Longingly and Pine for Love, say hello to Cadie . . .

*Double Sigh*

If you recall from last week, Cadie agreed to pretend to be sleeping with Stanley, because doing that “favor” for him would be, as she called it, “sweet.”  (Little did she know that her favor had LESS to do with being “sweet” to Stanley, and more about Tony being able to Stare Longingly and Pine for Love in the general direction of Tea’s Naked Tatas, which Tea had promised to expose to the public, once Stanley cashed in his V card.)  And yet, based on her behavior this week, it seems that Cadie would much prefer to ACTUALLY “make monkey” with Annoying Haired Stanley than just “pretend to make monkey” with him.

“I don’t know what ‘Making Monkey’ means exactly, but I sure hope it involves eating . . . Because I LOVE to eat!”

Unfortunately for Cadie, Stanley is too busy pining after Tony’s girlfriend, Michelle, to Make Monkey with ANYBODY! 

Wait . . . so let me get this straight . . . Cadie wants Stanley, who wants Michelle, who’s with TONY, who wants Tea, who wants that Betty Boop chick from last week’s episode?

Somebody is going to need to diagram this for me . . .

GO FISH!

Speaking of Tony and Michelle, SHE (Michelle) is naked in Chris’ bed, and HE (Tony) is also naked, and playing with fish.  (This is, unfortunately, NOT a Euphemism for Sex, by the way.)

Michelle is, understandably, feeling a bit underappreciated in this situation.  So, Tony tries to make her “feel better” by telling her that one of her tatas is bigger than the other . . .

“Ummm .  . . thanks?”

This Oh So Romantic moment is interrupted by Stanley, who has come to borrow a shirt from Chris’ stash, because some girl puked on his . . .

Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part Deux .  . .

While in Chris’ room, Stanley gets his first glimpse of Michelle’s Tatas. 

Chris’ Weiner says, “Dammit!  Why aren’t I in this scene?  I could do really great work here!”

Knowing full well that Stanley is totally in Loooooove with her, Michelle boldly exposes herself to her boyfriend’s best friend, and asks for his opinion on her tatas.  In response to this inquiry, an entranced Stanley blubbers on for about two minutes about how his “eyes are blurry” or something, and rushes out of the room.  Meanwhile, Tony, who is probably dreaming of Tea’s Tatas’ at the time, looks on, boredly amused. 

“Your eyes are supposed to BLUR TOO!”  Michelle, notes to her boyfriend angrily.

Tony rolls his eyes, and then proceeds to screw Michelle . . .

Hot for Teacher

Back downstairs at the party, Chris’ Social Sciences teacher, Tina, arrives.  Apparently, Chris is in Loooooove with her.  (Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?)  So, he invites her over to his house, under the guise of planning a “Parent-Teacher Conference” of some sort.  Once he’s got her in his clutches, however, the admittedly adorable (even though, honestly, he looks about 12) Chris takes advantage of this Excellent Opportunity by laying THIS gem, on his lady love . . .

“I think that dancing is like the best thing in the world.  Because, it makes you healthy, but it also makes your mind better too.  And, I know that you’re sad sometimes, and I hate that.  So, would you just stay . . . and dance . . . Please?”

Honestly, who could resist THAT?  So, Tina starts slow dancing with Chris.  And, you’ll never guess what happens next .  . .

“I’m BAAAAACK!”

Scotch tape can only hold back Weiner for so long, before it stages a revolt!  So, Tina (who’s already sort of verging on Pedophile Territory, with the looks she’s been giving this Underage Student in the Elvis Costume) freaks out and bails, no doubt rushing back to the Bad 80’s movie from which she originated . . .

Life is HARD, isn’t it Chris? (hint, hint, wink, wink)

Tina’s departure more or less sent the episode, and Chris’ life, into a downward spiral.  And the rest of the episode, was filled with a series of increasingly awkward (and kind of depressing) moments . . .

The Awkward Moment When You are Hiding in Your Mom’s Dresser Listening to Your Friends Engage in Homoerotic Conversations . . .

After a long night of partying and getting wasted, Chris’ pals have worked up quite an appetite!  And, Chris, being the Good Host he is, decides to use the remainder of his Cash Stash to buy them all pizza.  The problem is, he’s run out of money.  So, Chris dashes up to his mom’s room to get some more.  What he finds up there is . . . absolutely NOTHING.

Now, having seen the U.K. version of this episode before, I wasn’t exactly surprised when Chris found his mother’s room completely emptied of all of her belongings — a sure sign that she had abandoned her son, quite possibly for good.  And yet, it is a testament to Jesse Carere’s acting skills, that my heart still sank during this scene. 

In fact, in some ways, watching THIS Chris experience the loss was even harder, because he just looks SO MUCH YOUNGER and seems SO MUCH MORE VULNERABLE than that perpetually hilarious old soul, U.K. Chris.  As someone who ADORED U.K. Chris to bits, I very much appreciated this American actor’s decision NOT to try to replicate the former’s unmatchable performance.  Instead, Carere gave HIS Chris, a sensitivity and sadness that was uniquely his own.

But, lest we become too maudlin, here comes Stanley and Tony with their Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part 3 . . .

A poor and miserable Chris, hides in his mom’s empty dresser, as he listens to Stanley and Tony talk about how incredibly HAPPY Stanley should be for the opportunity to be having Fake Sex with Cadie.  And then they start having HOT GAY sex with eachother, like they’ve clearly been wanting to do for this ENTIRE EPISODE this happens . . .

Poor Chris, though clearly depressed about his future, tries to joke with the boys, and put on a brave face, by noting that his Weiner, has “gone to back to bed,” and hasn’t even TURNED BLUE!  Tony, who knows a “Friend in Need” when he sees one, tries to cheer Chris up, by telling him his Weiner looks REALLY BIG NOW! 

“Why, thank you, TONY!  That’s so sweet of you to say!”

(Seriously?  How GAY is U.S. TONY?!  He can talk about Tea’s tatas all he wants.  But we’ve known the guy for only three episodes, and he’s already hit on EVERY SINGLE MALE CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, at least once!  In fact, I’m starting to think that, perhaps, the reason he likes Tea so much, is that he’s in the market for a Beard. )

*Sigh* . . . “Chris’ Weiner, I Loooooooove YOU!”

To cap off the conversation, Tony “kindly” informs Chris that, since the latter broke the mirror in his mom’s dresser, he now has seven years of bad luck awaiting him.  Niiiiiice!

The Awkward Moment When Your Friends Learn that You Don’t Know what The Piledriver is . .

Chris, Tony and Stanley head downstairs, where no one has ANY money to pay the Pizza Man, and everyone is discussing Cadie’s and Stanley’s sex life.  When a skeptical Tea begins interrogating the virginal Stanley about this, Cadie, inPtrying to be “helpful,” casually mentions that Stanley had her “in the piledriver.”  Tea then slyly asks Stanley to elaborate.  Needless to say, it doesn’t go well . . .

“Ummm . . . is this going to be on the Virginity Test?”

For those of YOU out in TV Land who are wondering what the Piledriver is .  . . ummmm . . . yeah  . . . I’m not going to tell you.  Sorry, but you just never know when the Parent Teacher Council is secretly reading your blog . . .

In order to pay the Pizza Man, Chris and Stanley head to the electronics store, to try to sell back the soundsystem that he had recently purchased for the party . . .

Unfortunately, the Ornery Sales Person at the counter notices some pastry inside the machine, and tells Chris that all sales are final.  So, Chris and Stanley end up dumping the Sound System off at a junkyard, and exchanging it, and the wheelbarrow in which it came, for some drugs instead.  They then head back to Chris’ house with nothing more than what appears to be a dime bag of Dirty Sanchez . . .

I’m still not sure how they paid that Pizza Guy . . .

Back at Chris’ house, while the rest of the crew is sleeping, Poor Smitten Cadie FINALLY gets the chance to GENUINELY cuddle up wth Stan . . .

Unfortunately for Cadie, all Stanley wants to think about, or talk about, is Michelle and her possibly disproportionate Tata’s.   “Stanley, your hard-on is digging into my back,” she tells him.

“Oops . . . sorry,” Stanley replies, shifting himself into a more PG-rated position.

Chris’ Weiner would like you to know that HE would not be so easily bullied!

Eventually, everybody falls asleep.  The following morning, Chris and Daisy are the only ones still awake.  So, they gab together over coffee mugs filled with milk.  The result of this, of course, is that both of them have the cutest Milk Staches EVER!

“Got Milk?”

In hindsight, Chris would have been much better off hanging out with Daisy for the rest of the day.  Unfortunately, however, all his friends eventually leave (Daisy included).   So, he stumbles up to his bedroom for some much-needed shut eye . . . but not before having a little Dirty Sanchez Party, of his own . . .

The Awkward Moment When You Go to Pee in Your Shower and Find Some Homeless Dude Living in It . . .

As if things weren’t going bad enough for him already, Chris wakes up hungover as heck.  He then goes to the bathroom, and learns that someone STOLE HIS TOILET.  So, he steps into the shower, and turns on the water, only to be attacked by some homeless dude, who, eventually LOCKS HIM OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE, while he is BUTT NAKED! 

(Chris’ Tatas and Bum, stick their metaphoric tongues out at his Weiner in TRIUMPH!  It’s THEIR TIME TO SHINE, NOW!)

Chris’ Dad’s a Total DICK!  (Not to be confused with Chris’ Weiner, which is lovely.)

For reasons I don’t quite understand, rather than running to one of his friends’ homes, Chris dashes off to the school.  The Skins Crew meets him there to give him some support.  They also supply him with what appears to be the way too small t-shirt of an 8-year old girl, and some pants to wear.  (Chris’ Belly Button CHEERS,  “My turn, B*tches!”) 

Teacher Tina is back, of course.  And she wants to know what Chris plans to do about his living situation.  Chris decides to try and live with his absentee father.  Daisy agrees to accompany him to the guy’s home.  While there, Chris’ Dad’s new wife, introduces Chris to the half-brother he never knew he had . . .

 

She also begins to show Daisy pictures of what she believes to be Chris as a baby.  But the pictures actually end up being of Chris’ his brother Peter, who died very young.  When Chris’ dad arrives home, he refuses to even SEE Chris.  Devastated, the poor little guy dashes from his dad’s home, with Daisy hot on his heels.

Eventually, Chris arrives at his brother’s gravestone . . .

Once there, Chris shares with Daisy his most fond memory of his older brother, Peter.   When Chris was a young child in day camp (or was it Boy Scouts?  I honestly can’t remember), he apparently peed his pants in public.  Rather than allow his little brother to be humiliated by his peers, Peter, who was a camp counselor at the time, lent Chris the pants off his bottom!  Together, the siblings walked into the sunset hand -in-hand, one of them COMPLETELY PANTS FREE! 

“Nobody laughed,” remarks Chris.

(Ummm . . . yeah, somehow I find THAT hard to believe . . .)

“Me too, and I was there!”

The Awkward Moment When Your Teacher Finds You Sleeping in the Trunk of Her Car . . .

Did I mention that Chris is LIVING Teacher Tina now?  Or that she gave him a pet fish (pun sort of intended)?  Or that he has inexplicably started taking her Estrogen Pills?

Yeah, because all THIS is not inappropriate, AT ALL!

Truthfully, not much happens at the end of the episode.  Well . . . that’s not entirely true.  Tea FINALLY shows us her Tatas at Tony’s house .  . .

“PEEKABOOB!”

(Well, she shows THE CAST her tatas.  We don’t really get to see anything — this, being the U.S. and all . . .)

And Tony.  . .  you guessed it . . . Stares Longingly at Tea and Pines for Love, as his little sister looks on with amusement . . .

“Oh, BROTHER!  You are so obviously gay!  Stop trying to pretend otherwise  . . .”

Then the whole Skins crew piles on top of one another, which, contrary to what the Virginal Stanley would like you to believe, is NOT the same thing as a Piledriver . . . not even close . . .

And that was Skins, Episode 3, “Chris” in a nutshell.  Next week, we watch as Cadie takes a lot of drugs, and Stares Longingly and Pines for Stanley’s Love some more.  Surely, it will be a UNIQUE experience, unlike one we’ve EVER witnessed on this show  . . .  since the last time it aired.

[www.juliekushner.com]

It’s Not Easy Being Lavender – A Recap of (U.S.) Skin’s “Tea”

I have a confession to make.  Something happened to me, in between the airing of the pilot episode of (U.S.) Skins and the episode I plan to recap today . . . I discovered (U.K.) Skins and I watched it . . . all of it . . . well, at least the first two seasons.  And, at some point, during those hours (and HOURS, and HOURS) spent watching the series, I fell in love . . . with Tony (the other Tony) . . .

 . . . and Stanley and Cadie Sid and Cassie . . .

. . . and the rest of that crew of crazy, loveable Brits — all of whom I would TOTALLY party with, if I was remotely cool enough to hang out with them (which, I suspect, I’m not).

While my newfound love affair with (U.K) Skins didn’t dampen my appreciation of THIS version, it DID make it a lot more difficult for me NOT to make endless comparisons between the two.  So, I’m just going to put that out there as a warning.  I will try my VERY hardest, not to bring up (U.K.) Skins in my (U.S.) Skins recaps.  (But that doesn’t mean I can’t talk about U.K. Skins in the Comments Section!  Because I TOTALLY PLAN ON DOING SO! )

However, there is ONE scene from this week’s episode, where I think a comparison to the U.K. version will prove SUPER HOT! extremely enlightening  . . . from a sociocultural perspective.  So, I will break my promise just a bit, during this recap, to discuss that scene.  But not to worry U.K. Skins virgins, I fully plan to provide you with a YouTube video, for easy reference, when that time comes. 

You’re welcome!

Well, that’s enough of THAT.  Don’t you think?  On with the recap . . .

Who says you can’t learn about musical history from watching Skins?

(Now, I know the Parent Teacher Council has their panties all in a bunch over some of the content of this show.  But I wonder whether they’d think more kindly about it, if they knew that kids could actually learn something from it!  Personally, I learned TWO things from watching “Tea,” the first of which I will get to in just a bit . . .) 

So, when the episode begins, our titular character Tea is seen taking an exam of some sort.  Of course, I use the term “taking” loosely, because she seems WAY more interested in eye f*&king the curly-haired chick, seated a few rows in front of her, than doing any sort of test-taking.

This curly-haired chick’s name is Betty.  But I will be referring to her as Betty Boop, because she dresses like, and somewhat resembles, a cartoon character, throughout most of the episode.

After most likely flunking her exam, Tea rushes from class at the final bell, but not before leaving Betty Boop a little love note . . .

Thing I Learned from Skins #1:  When I first saw this note, I assumed that it referred to the Lesbian Underground Dance Club where Tea and Betty (and eventually Tea and Tony) met up, during the episode.  And I think I was correct in that assumption.  But from later research, I ALSO learned that Northern Soul refers to an ENTIRE DANCE MOVEMENT — one that gained grounded in the U.K. back in the 1960s.  In fact, many of the songs played during this episode — most notably Tony Clarke’s amazing Landslide (which got downloaded onto my iPod, moments after I finished watching the show) and Wade in the Water (which I WILL download, once I find the right version) — are examples of music that can be classified as Northern Soul.  Who knew?

After school, Tea rushes home, flies past various members of her loud and boisterous family, and heads immediately to her room, where she casts aside her”binding” school clothes, and exchanges them for some Hoochie Girl Party Gear.  (I mean no disrespect in saying this, of course.  Hoochie Girl Party Gear is a must have in EVERY gal’s wardrobe!)  Tea then heads immediately to an underground club filled with close-dancing females, that I can only assume is Northern Soul.

Once there, Tea really lets out her inner rock star — dancing alone, confidently, and un-self-consciously.  You can tell immediately that the moments when Tea is dancing, are the ones when she feels the most free . . . the most “normal.”  You can contrast Tea’s dancing, to the showy grindage, Tony and Michelle engaged in, during the pilot episode . . .

While Tony and Michelle dance to raise eyebrows, and be admired, Tea dances because she clearly loves it.

Within a few moments, Betty Boop has located Tea on the dance floor.  But they don’t get to do much “dancing” together (or talking, or thinking . . . for that matter) . . .

Before you can say “Northern Soul,” Tea and Betty are up against the wall, making out like it’s going out of styl.  Then they go back to Tea’s house, and it’s Screw Time!

We are then treated to a few censor-approved “tasteful” shots of the girls doing the horizontal mambo on the bed.  And before you can say, “Parent Teacher Council,” it’s morning time in Skins World. 

“There was a lotta lickin!”

Tea and Betty rush downstairs, but not before they are ambushed by Tea’s dad, who seems like a kinder, gentler, more blue-collar, version of Tony Soprano.  So, of course, I love him ALREADY!

Awkward moments are a-plenty, as Tea’s dad and Tea start rattling off one sexual pun, after another — carelessly chatting about “chewing things over” and “screwing around,” as if they are discussing the day’s weather.  Betty Boop is clearly not pleased to be there.

Things get even MORE awkward when Tea’s dad introduces Betty Boop to Tea’s massive family. 

By far, the most interesting of this gaggle of relatives is Tea’s zany Nana, who rattles off hilarious lines about past presidents like “No more Tricky Dicky for a LONG TIME!”  (They must hear this kind of stuff EVERY morning, because no one in the room laughs, or even seems to be listening, for that matter.)

Things get THREE times as awkward, when Tea’s straight girlfriend Daisy comes by, and the family refers to her as “The Gay One.”  (Tea’s family clearly does not know that she’s a lesbian.)  Daisy shows off her rack to the two lovers, and wonders out loud whether she has the tatas of a lesbian.  This causes me to wonder what Lesbian Tatas look like, exactly.  (Maybe they are rainbow-colored?)

Honestly, I couldn’t tell whether Betty Boop was all in a snit, because another woman was there, or because now all of Italy probably knows she spent the night getting naked with a female.  Whatever it is, Betty starts acting like a major biatch, threatening Tea that she “better not tell anyone,” and sending Daisy death ray stares, every time the poor girl speaks.  Daisy smugly notes that Betty has hickeys all over neck, which causes the enraged chica to Boop Boop Be Doop her way toward the Exit Stage Left.  “How did it go?”  Daisy asks, referring to the departed Betty.

“There was a lotta lickin'” Tea replies.  (You’ll be pleased to know that this has just become my new favorite catchphrase)

Tea’s dad interrupts the love fest to tell Tea that he’s decided to pimp her out to some connected mob guy’s son, probably so that The Family can make the kids’ father “an offer he can’t refuse.”  (Man, I LOVE Mob Stuff!)  The two mafia-born kids will go “bowling” together the following evening. The good news is that Tea will be paid well for going on this date, and she doesn’t have to “do any funny stuff” with him, if she doesn’t want to do so. 

On the bus on the way to school, Tea’s friend Abbud remarks on how funny it is that Tea has to go on a Mob Date.  He also does a pretty good Brando impression (or maybe that was supposed to be Deniro . . . or Pacino . . . maybe it wasn’t such a good impression after all)  “I come to you, to ask you this favor,” he rasps.

Abbud then spends the rest of the bus ride staring Tea’s boobs, which, I guess, have become kind of unofficial cast members, themselves, for all the time everyone spends staring at them, and talking about them . . .

Making Monkey and Getting Le Donged

It’s lunchtime now.  And Tony has a proposition for Crazy Pill Popping Cadie, who seems way more mellow, ever since her meds have been adjusted . . .

Tony wants Cadie to pretend that she has been “making monkey” with his best bud Stanley.  He claims that this would be a “sweet” thing to do, since it would save Stanley from the “embarrassment” of teen virginity.  Cadie glances over at Stanley, who is currently looking pretty darn pathetic, with his sauce covered face, and sad puppy dog eyes . . .

“Well . . . he could look happier, now that we’re banging eachother,” notes Cadie perceptively.

“I’ll work on that,” promises Tony.

Oh, I bet you will, Tony. 

“OK . . . I’ll do it . . . because it’s sweet, and I like that,” concludes Cadie, making me like HER a bit more than I did last week.

Tony’s happy too . . .

But his happiness seems to have less to do with “being sweet” to Stanley, and more to do with Tea’s Tatas.  (See what I mean, about them being their own character.)  When Tea arrives at the cafeteria, Tony reminds her of her promise to have a Wardrobe Malfunction a la Janet Jackson at the homecoming game, during half time, if Stanley got laid.   And he DIDN’T.  But Tony says he did .  . . and if Tony says it, it must be true.

This love fest between Tony and Tea’s Tatas is interrupted by some school assembly, where some dorky looking teacher lectures the kids on how drugs, sex and partying are “bad stuff.”  I suspect the scene was supposed to be “funny.”  But it wasn’t.  What was kind of funny, was when one of the “Guest Speakers” turned out to be Stanley’s drug dealer from the pilot, who bears the unfortunate last name of Le Dong. 

Since last week, someone in the makeup department has obviously ramped up the Scare Factor on Le Dong’s mug, as he has clearly gone from Mildly Intimidating Old Dude to Zombie Crypt Keeper, in a matter of days.  (Bad Trip, perhaps?)  This guy needs to meet up with the Jersey Shore kids from some Gym, Tanning, Laundry STAT!  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a face that color! 

Anyway, Le Dong uses his guest speaking opportunity to make some thinly veiled threats to Stanley, who still owes him 900 smackers for the drugs he “bought on credit,” which are now probably being smoked by Little Nemo and his friends beneath the sea . . .

Hours and HOURS of making monkey aren’t going to lift Stanley’s spirits NOW!  And his friends aren’t exactly much help, leaving the poor kid to rot in the unisex bathroom, while they rush off to class.

Not Measuring Up

As for Tea, she has her own problems, like the fact that she spotted her closeted new girlfriend hanging all over her fake boyfriend during lunch.  And yet, strangely, Betty Boop, who earlier was telling Tea that she “better not tell anyone” about the fact that they banged, suddenly, seems ASTOUNDED by the notion that Tea doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her.  “Nobody measures up to me,” remarks Tea confidently, when Betty asks her why she’s not interested in romantic relationships. 

(Well, I don’t necessarily think that’s true, Tea.  But Betty Boop certainly doesn’t seem to measure up.  You can do better, Girlfriend!)

At dinner, Tea tries to come out to her family, but they are all carrying on so loudly, that nobody seems to notice.   Then Tea’s sister’s water breaks, and everybody leaves . . . except for Tea’s poor Nana, of course.

Later that night, Tea has nobody to talk to, so she decides to chat up Audrey Hepburn . . . or, at least her poster . . .

Since, clearly none of the girls in her school “measure up” to Audrey Hepburn, Tea decides to “hook up” with the person she loves most . . . herself.

And then this happens . . .

The Awkward Moment when you are “entertaining yourself” under the covers, and your grandma climbs into bed with you . . .

 Wade in the Water (and in Tony’s pants)

The next afternoon, Tea’s dad drops Tea off at her prostitution gig date.  And, wouldn’t you know it, her suitor is TONY!  Tony remarks on how cool it is that both of them are working for the mob, how relieved he is that Tea isn’t a “dog,” and how his girlfriend Michelle wont’ care about what they’re doing, because it’s a “Paid Gig.”  (Just keep telling yourself that, Romeo!)  

Tony then offers to take Tea out for a drink.  Of course, by “drink” he means ” a cheap bottle of vodka they can share,” and by “out” he means “to the local playground Sit ‘n Spin.” (As if Tea didn’t feel like enough of a hooker, already!)

The next scene takes place ENTIRELY on the Sit N’ Spin.  So, the revolving camera gave me bad flashbacks to watching The Blair Witch Project, and gave me that distinct flavor of nausea that one only can get from watching more than 2 minutes of “Shaky Cam.” 

Despite the fact that Tea, as Tony says, “worships the coochie shrine,” it is obvious that these two have a connection.  They are both confident, to the point of being cocky, smart, to the point of being disaffected, blase about what life has to offer them, and most importantly, HIGHLY SEXUAL beings.

As for Tony, though, I think the real moment he falls in love with Tea, is when she pukes right in front of him, and still keeps drinking and flirting, as if it never happened.  (Ahhhh . . . the wonders of Vomit Love!)  “You don’t give a sh*t, do you?”  Tony remarks, awestruck.

“No, I really don’t,” replies Tea.

Yoda Tony wisely notes that what makes Tea interesting is not that she’s a lesbian, but that she holds back, and doesn’t let anybody in.  Tea doesn’t necessarily disagree with this assessment.   And adds that she might have a “screw loose,” because she can’t fathom the concept of falling in love.

“Maybe it just needs tightening,” Tony jokes lasciviously.  “I can match you.  You’ve met your match,” he concludes, reminding us of Tea’s earlier words to Betty Boop, about nobody “measuring up.”

The now-completely sh*tfaced Tea and Tony head to the currently abandoned Northern Soul club.  There, Tea puts on the song, Wade in the Water, and the two begin to dance.  Again, Tea looks confident, carefree, and unself-conscious.  The clearly smitten Tony, however, seems a bit less confident than he did during his sexualized boogie with Michelle, during the week prior. 

Now, there’s no audience.  Its just him, and Tea, and the music.  And that makes things more difficult for him.He gets into it eventually, however.  And the pair develop a rather nice rhythm to this blues-y song.

Then the dancing slows down, and things get a bit more sexually intense.  Meaningful looks are exchanged (well, as meaningful as looks can be, after you’ve drank an entire bottle of vodka).  Suddenly, the pair are making out, hardcore . . .

Tea pulls back, shocked at what she has just done.  And Tony stumbles away for a moment, to prepare himself for what he knows that he is ABOUT TO DO . . .

And then .  . . it happens, the sex.  It is awkward, and drunken, and fumbling, yet oddly sexy, in its honesty.  Because THIS is what drunk (sort of ) inexperienced teens look like, when they are experimenting sexually with one another.  This is REAL.  Most of the well-choreographed stuff you see on TV is just smoke and mirrors.  It’s so real in fact, that Tea starts cracking up, when it’s all over (which is in less than a minute).  Needless to say, it’s not QUITE the response that Tony was looking for.

“That was terrible,” giggles Tea

“Normal girls like it,” responds Tony, with a cute pout.

“They must be REALLY stupid,” Tea replies.

We feel your pain, Tony!

But despite his bruised ego, and broken heart, Tony is a good sport about the whole thing, which made me like him A LOT (even though he TOTALLY cheated on his girlfriend Michelle, with her best friend).  After all, can’t all of us relate to wanting something we can’t have, PRECISELY because we can’t have it?

Now, I positively LOVED this scene!  It was sexy, and complex, and extremely well-acted by both of it’s participants.  And yet, knowing that, in the U.K. version, Tea was actually a homosexual boy named Maxxie, I couldn’t help but compare THIS sex scene gone awry to its British counterpart.  Since, I can’t embed the video (click on it, you won’t be disappointed!), let’s post that sexy picture again, shall we?

It’s interesting how in BOTH scenes, Tony is the sexual aggressor –a confident guy who’s certain that he can seduce ANYONE, regardless of their sexual orientation.  And, in both scenes, Tony FAILS in the Art of Seduction.  And yet, in the British version, the sexual power, at least initially, belongs to Tony, because HE is straight, and therefore, not necessarily attracted to Maxxie, who’s obviously gay.  Presumably, as far as Tony’s concerned, this sex act is merely an instance of sexual experimentation

Meanwhile, in the U.S. scene, the sexual power resides with Tea.   SHE is the one who technically shouldn’t be attracted to Tony (whether she actually IS attracted to him is the subject of much debate on the message boards for this show).  SHE is the one experimenting, thereby leaving Tony, who is obviously attracted to HER, in the more vulnerable position of the two.  Talk about GIRL POWER!

Which brings me to . . .

The Lavendar Scare

Back at home, we learn that Drug Dealer Le Dong has been following Tea.  He manhandles her, calls her a dyke, and threatens to do bad things to her, if she doesn’t give up her Poor Friend Stanley, who owes him money.  Of course, Papa Tony Soprano 2.0 is watching.  (Seriously, Drug Dealer Le Dong!  Out of all Stanley’s friends, you chose to mess with the Mob Boss’ Daughter?  MORON!)

Le Dong skulks away, and a highly distraught Tea runs into the house, and into her Nana’s bed.  “Did you get scared?”  Nana asks with concern.

“Yes . . . Nana, I did,” remarks Tea honestly.

It is during this sweet and powerful scene, that we learn that Tea’s nana is ALSO a lesbian.  Apparently, she was forced to give up her lover, get married, and live a lie, in order to avoid persecution at the hands of Joseph McCarthy and The Lavender Scare (an event which is The Second Thing I Learned About From Watching Skins this Week).  The two gay women hold hands and cry together in bed, and,  in doing so, bridge the Generation Gap.  And regardless of what your own sexual orientation may be, it’s impossible not to be moved by this scene.

“I Put My Truth on You”

The next day at lunch, Michelle is sitting with Tea, and asking about the details of her “date.”  Tea is demure, and doesn’t rat out Tony.  She does, however, admit that her “date” “tried something” with her before she “explained” her sexual orientation.

Michelle notes wistfully that it must be nice to “be jumped like that,” as Tony hasn’t exactly been a really “winner” in the loving department lately.  This isn’t exactly a surprise given the longing looks Tony is throwing in Tea’s general direction, while the two friends are engaging in this conversation.  This Eye F**k Fest is interrupted by Betty Boop, who plants a hot juicy kiss on Tea’s lips in front of the ENTIRE CAFETERIA, including Poor Tony, and Betty’s fake boyfriend, Bobby.  (Betty Boop’s boyfriend’s name was Bobby.  Now THAT’S Funny!)

“I put my truth on you,” says Betty slyly, before strutting out of the cafeteria.  (PRETTY SMOOTH, Miss Boop!)

After school Tea’s dad picks her up, in a very crowded car that includes a bunch of his mob goons, and . . . get this . . . Le Dong . . . the drug dealer . . .

Tea’s dad wants Le Dong to swim with the fishes (and Stanley’s weed) because he THINKS that Le Dong called Tea, not what he ACTUALLY called her (dyke) but something that RHYMES with what he called her, and is a derogatory term for people of the Jewish faith.  Tea tries to correct her father, but he won’t hear it.  So, Tea simply tells her dad not to MURDER Le Dong.  Tea’s dad nods, tells Tea that she is a “good person,” and then drives away . . .

Personally, I hope he killed him.  Does that make me a Bad Person?

At the end of the episode, Tea gets a phone call from the clearly lovesick Tony, who tells her, “I matched you.  I matched you good.”

OK . . . officially loving him, now.  But who’s room is he in?  Hopefully not Michelle’s!

At the same time, Tea also gets a phone call, from Betty Boop.  But she ignores them both, and instead begins to dance to Wade in the Water, in a bedroom adorned with . . . you guessed it . . . lavender!

That’s it for this week’s episode.  Based on the previews, next week’s Skin’s installment, “Chris,” looks like an almost shot-for-shot remake of the U.K. episode of the same name, which just so happens to be the first FULL episode of U.K. Skins that I watched.  It will be interesting to see how this one translates . . .

See you then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

How Stanley didn’t get laid – A Recap of (U.S.) Skins’ Series Premiere “Tony”

Chances are, if you’ve been alive and well this week, and have found yourself anywhere near a television, computer, or magazine, you’ve probably heard at least something about Skins.  At the risk of being redundant, Skins is MTV’s newest “scripted” drama (And yet, aren’t they all scripted, when you really think about it?).  Although MTV’s version premiered this week, the concept of Skins is not particularly new.  In fact, the show is a remake / reimagining of a popular UK show of the same name, which debuted back in 2007, and featured MOST of the same characters (only played by British young actors, as opposed to American ones).

In terms of the U.S. version of Skins, public opinion has run the gamut from diehard fans of the original, who believe this version should never have been made, to conservative right-wingers, who think the fact that underage actors makeout on the show is tantamount to “child porn.”  This post isn’t going to say any of those things, or even really offer an opinion one way or the other.  I’m merely going to recap the episode, and hopefully, entertain you a bit in the process . . .

Sound good?  Let’s get started . . .

Meet Naked Tony (and his Burnout Sister, Wacky Dad, and Slutty Next Door Neighbor)

You would think that a television episode entitled “Tony,” would open up with a shot of “Tony” right?  WRONG!  Instead we got this random chick . . .

I see this on my television screen, and I immediately wonder whether my cable guide lied to me, and I am not watching Skins, but rather some second rate straight-to-video zombie flick (Dawn of the Dead 2: Electric Boogaloo).  But no, this is “Tony’s” baby sister.  We know her as “Eura,” but in the U.K. version, she had the much more mainstream name of “Effy.” 

 I notice immediately that it is snowing, and she isn’t wearing any shoes.  My feet experience immediate sympathy pains, as a result.  It’s not an enjoyable feeling.  In short, I’ve already about had it with Zombie Eura, and her soon-to-be frostbitten feet.  And she hasn’t said a single word yet!

No matter.  Bring on NAKED TONY!

This is our first glimpse of the titular Tony.  He’s cute.  But his bedspread is stark white, and covered with tarantulas (I think . . . I generally make it my business to know as little about spiders as humanly possible.)  It also seems way too neat, tidy, and generally void of personality to be a teenage boy’s bedroom.  This makes me think that Tony might be a serial killer, because only serial killer teens have clean rooms like that.  (Hey, maybe he killed EURA!  And that’s why she’s coming back to his house . . . to eat his BRAINS for REVENGE!)

(You might be interested in knowing that in the U.K. version of Skins, Tony was played by Nicholas Hoult, a.k.a. the kid from About a Boy . . .)

Anyway, Tony gets up, and starts doing these weird Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dweeb moves, by the window, to show off his surprisingly buff teen physique.

Now, I no longer think I am watching a zombie movie, but rather an infomercial for Bow Flex or the Shake Weight.  (After all, it is 2 a.m. at this point.)  Tony then takes a break from his Tae Bo routine to play Peeping Tom with his slutty adult neighbor.

Slutty Neighbor really seems to enjoy being ogled by a 16-year old, which, I guess, makes her a pedophile.  If Tony WAS, in fact, a serial killer, Slutty Neighbor would probably be his first victim (after Zombie Eura, of course) . . .

While Tony is ogling Slutty Neighbor, he spies Zombie Eura, and decides to invite her inside the house, and help her to evade the EVIL Parental Units.  (NO, TONY!  NEVER INVITE IN THE ZOMBIES . . . Or maybe it’s vampires you aren’t supposed to invite in?  OK . . . Now I’m confused.)

So, Tony turns his music up full blast, and while Tony’s dad (stepdad?) rips him a new one, Zombie Eura dashes back to her room, cleans the crap off her face, and tries to make her bed look slept in . . .

Meanwhile, Tony’s dad or stepdad is screaming at the top of his lungs at Tony, but I can’t understand a damn word the guy is saying . . . I suspect we aren’t supposed to understand him, anyway.  In essence, Skins is like a live teenage version of Charlie Brown, where all the adults are WAY too tall, and speak in gibberish all the time . . .

“Wah-wah wah wah mwah wah-wah, mwah WAHHHHHHHHHH!”

Next we get a completely unnecessary shot of Tony taking a dump on the toilet, while reading a book entitled Know Your Rodent.  (See, TOTAL SERIAL KILLER!)

Soon enough, Tony’s dad or stepdad is outside the bathroom bellowing again, “MWAH-WAH WAH, WAH I HAVE TO TAKE A DUMP TOO MWAH WAH-WAH!”  So, Tony sneaks out the window . . .

And . . . then he’s back inside.

(See, now I’m thinking this HAS to be Tony’s stepdad.  Because climbing down your fire escape, just to make your biological pops look like a moron, seems like WAY TOO MUCH WORK, with no foreseeable benefits.) 

Calling All Cast Members!

After breakfast, Tony leaves for school.  It’s still snowing, but Tony’s dressed for 65 degree weather, because “he’s just cool like that.”

This is the part of the pilot, where Tony generously introduces you to the rest of the main cast, by calling EVERY. . .  SINGLE . . . ONE of them . . .

This is Daisy.  In this scene, we learn precisely three things about her.  (1) She’s smart.  We know this because she plays a musical instrument.  And the only time they ever show kids playing musical instruments on teen shows is to imply that they are smart.  (2)  She’s fairly wealthy.  We know this because she has a fancy and rather old painting on the wall next to her.  (3) She’s snarky.  We know this because, on teen shows, the only time it’s acceptable to be BOTH smart and wealthy, is if you are also snarky.

This is Abbud.  Like Daisy, we don’t get to know much about him this week, aside from two things: (1) He’s Muslim.  (2) He digs lesbians.  You might be interested to know that in the U.K. version this character (then named Anwar) was played by Dev Patel, a.k.a. The Slumdog Millionaire guy . . .

This is Tea.  She’s a tough and spunky lesbian cheerleader.  (She hasn’t told her fellow cheermates of her sexual orientation yet.   This way, she figures, none of them will feel awkward, when they have to stick their hands up her skirt, during the Cheer Pyramid.)

This is Crazy Chris, who, I noticed, doesn’t like to wear clothing.  He’s already one of my favorite characters.  This is probably because the “Chris” episode of Skins is the only episode of the U.K. version that I actually got to watch.

This is Tony’s girlfriend, Michelle.  He’s nicknamed her Nips (which she HATES).  Unfortunately, for male viewers, the U.S. censors won’t allow you to see WHY . . .

And this is Stanley.  He’s a virgin, who calls his weiner “Mr. Happy.”  (Though, since he IS a virgin, that is probably somewhat of a misnomer.)  Unlike Tony, Stanley has a room that looks EXACTLY like you would expect a teenage boy’s bedroom to look (i.e. messy, stinky, and covered with porn).  So, Stanley is probably not a serial killer.  But he DOES have Hanson hair . . .

 . . . which, I strongly suspect, is one of the reasons he can’t get laid.

Time for “School”

It’s nice when, during a teen drama, you see the kids actually go to class, even if it’s only for one scene.  This is psychology class.  And the psychology teacher needs therapy . . .

“Mwah-wah wah-wah Boyfriend Dumped Me, WAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Adorable Chris is clearly in love with his Wackadoo Psych teacher, so he tries to impress her, by dressing like a hillbilly from the movie Deliverance . . .

He also carries her books after class.  She doesn’t seem to mind nearly as much as you would expect.   In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if these two ended up doing the nasty at some point this season assuming the show doesn’t get canceled first.

“You may teach Psychology, but we SURE have Chemistry!  Get it . . . because . . . oh, never mind.  Wanna screw?  My parents are out of town for the week.  So, I can TOTALLY have a sleepover!”

Now, it’s lunchtime.  Whether or not these are wealthy teens, we know they go to a pretty wealthy school, because their cafeteria has flat screen TVs in it  . . .

They also serve Massive Meal Portions, akin in size to what 800-pound men would likely eat at a breakfast buffet . . .

At lunch, Tony tells Stanley that the only way he will be able to get laid, is if he buys a lot of drugs, and gets the object of his affection SO HAMMERED that she forgets he has Hanson hair.  While they are talking, Michelle arrives.  We know instantly that Stanley is in love with her, because she walks in SLOOOOO MOOOOOO . . .

He also conveniently has pornographic images of of her on his cell phone . . .

Unfortunately for Stanley, he will not be getting the opporunity to horizontal mambo with Nips Michelle, and her awesome blue leather jacket  (Seriously?  Where can I get me one of THOSE?), because her face is pretty much permanently attached to Bobby’s mouth.  Instead, Stanley will be screwing Psychopath Cadie, who he is supposed to meet in the “Life Skills” classroom . . .

If I knew that “Life Skills” class involved growing phallic vegetables and playing with knives, I totally would have chosen it as my elective at school.  When Stanley first meets Cadie (though I’m not sure how he hasn’t already met her, considering all his friends already seem to know her — I mean, how big IS this school exactly?) he’s understandably a bit afraid of her . . .

But that doesn’t stop him from wanting to have sex with her.  He IS a teenage boy, after all.

OMG, it’s GLEE!

Meanwhile, Tony has randomly decided to try out for the All Girls Choir, at the private “school for young ladies” nearby.  (No, offense to any of my readers out there, who may actually be named Edith Damp.  But, is that not the WORST name for a girl’s school ever?)  Tony shows up at the practice and starts singing this REALLY old show tune, that I suspect is called Let’s Fall in Love.

And, although both the song choice, and the way Tony sings it, make him seem INCREDIBLY gay, all the women choir-ettes seem to eat it up (probably because they all haven’t seen any men other than their dads, in about 10 years).

On the way out of “Edith Damp School”, Tony has a slight run-in with schools headmaster, but escapes unscathed.

(Just in case you can’t read it, the sign, behind the headmaster’s head says “Juvenile Males are a Threat.” – HILARIOUS!)

Did I mention that the Leader of the Choir-ettes invites Tony to a party at her house?

Tony agrees to attend, assuming he can make a big profit, by selling Stanley’s weed there. 

“I wanna dip my balls in it!”

Speaking of Stanley . . .

He’s in the suburbs, searching for a drug dealer.  The dealer looks pretty much exactly like EVERY drug dealer looks in show’s like these, down to the 5 0’clock shadow, and 70’s era blue tracksuit . . .

The dealer “generously” sells Stanely a $900 bag of weed, on credit, promising the boy, that his still virginal balls will be chopped up if he doesn’t pay him back in full within 48 hours  . . .

“Too URBAN!  TOO URBAN!”

That night, Queen B chick is thrilled to see Tony and Stanley’s weed, at her party.  However, she is less than thrilled that he brought the entire regular cast of Skins along with him.  She is also not pleased with the way he’s grinding all up on his girlfriend Nips Michelle, instead of the Party Hostess, herself . . .

But things REALLY get out of hand, when Queen B chick asks Chris to take off his dirty SHOES, and he takes off his PANTS instead.  Suddenly Tony’s derelict friends are MOSHING at this Rich Chick Party!  “Too urban!  Too urban!” She squeals, as the mosh evolves in a knock down-drag out fight . . .

Meanwhile, outside Queen B’s house, we are treated to a romantic full moon, and Psychopath Cadie’s squeals of pleasure.  (GO STANLEY!)  

Yeah, she’s actually just jumping on the trampoline . . . But then, her and Stanley actually start MAKING OUT . . .

(GO STANLEY!)  But then . . .  Cadie stops, and tells him, “it’s no good,” because she can tell he’s in love with Michelle.  But she offers to screw him anyway!  (GO STANLEY!)  And  . . . then she falls unconscious due to having OD’d on a massive amount of pills. 

Stanley runs back into the Rich Chick Party (which, by now, has completely devolved into chaos) to tell his friends that they need to take Cadie to the ER.  The crew each get in a few more punches, before leaving the party for good.  By the time they get outside though, it’s miraculously become daytime, even though it was the middle of the night, literally two seconds earlier . . .

“Got any skins?”

Chris hijacks one of the rich kids’ cars.  Then, the crew pile in and speed to the hospital, practically getting themselves killed in the process.  Now, if this was ANY other teen drama, this would be the part where Cadie dies, or falls into a coma, to teach the teens watching back home and “Important Lesson About the Abuse of Pharmaceuticals.”   But this is MTV!  So, by the time the gang arrives at the hospital . . .

 . . . Cadie is JUST FINE!  Well . . . almost fine.  She REALLY has to pee . . .

While, Cadie “does her business” the rest of the gang gets a HUGE urge to rip into Stanley’s MASSIVE bag of pot.  “Anybody got skins [a.k.a. rolling papers]?”  Stanley asks. 

Tony tells Stanley he’s got some in his pants pocket (probably because he’s secretly always wanted to be felt up by a guy with Hanson hair).  Unforunately, Stanley’s getting to third base with Tony has the unintended effect of pulling the car out of “park” and into “drive.”  So, about a second after, Stanley finds the “skins” . . .

 .  . . the gang’s stolen car careens off into a cliff with all of them inside it . . . well, everyone except for Cadie.

So, now, I’m thinking to myself, that if the entire cast of this show DIES in its FIRST EPISODE, it will officially become the most BRILLIANT SHOW EVER!

But they don’t .  . . so it isn’t . . .

The gang swims safely to shore.  But it is not until LONG after they’ve left the area, and gone back to their respective homes, that . . . for reasons that defy all laws of physics, gravity, and basic logic . . . the MASSIVE BAG OF WEED resurfaces.

Nice knowing ya, Stanley’s Balls!

In the last few moments of the episode, we learn three things:  (1) that douchey headmaster we met earlier is actually Ton’y neighbor, and wife to that Slutty Pedophile who poses nude for him each morning . . .

(2) Stanley is still a virgin.

(3) Or IS HE?

“Birds do it.  Bees do it.  Even educated trees do it.  Let’s do it.  Let’s fall in love.”

[www.juliekushner.com]