Mark your calendars, Netflix subscribers and people who have their friends’ Netflix login information and passwords memorized! June 12th is fast approaching. And with it comes our long-awaited reunion with plucky, pretty, erstwhile drug runner, Piper Chapman and her diverse gaggle of felonious female pals.
When we last left the ladies of Litchfield Correctional Facility, their formerly airtight “tribe” alliances, were showing some serious signs of strain, under the corrosive influence of sociopathic Bond villain and former drug lord, Vee Parker.
[MAJOR spoiler alert for those who have not yet watched Season 2. I’m not kidding! Click away from this page now. I’ll wait . . . ]
[Are they gone yet? Super! Let’s continue . . .]
Vee, a drug kingpin who manipulated teenage orphans with nowhere else to turn (like the whipsmart, but vulnerable, Taystee) to do her bidding, and murdered those same orphans when they had the audacity to attempt to strike out on their own, left an immediate and indelible impact on the ladies of Litchfield, in her short tenure as the series’ antagonist.
In just a few episodes, Vee managed to (1) break up the seemingly iron clad friendship between Taystee and Poussey; (2) completely brainwash the childlike, but indubitably well-meaning, “Crazy Eyes” Suzanne, into her terrifyingly loyal top henchwoman; and (3) turn nearly the entire prison against its tough-as-nails mother figure and long reigning queen Red.
Then, long-suffering cancer-patient/prisoner Rosa accidentally/ on purpose ran Vee over with the Litchfield Prisoner Transport wagon, while both were simultaneously plotting their escapes from the women’s prison. This casual bout of vehicular manslaughter brought Vee’s reign of terror in Litchfield to its untimely, though not entirely unexpected, end. Not to mention, it taught us all a very important lesson about the importance of being polite . . .
Also last season on Orange, Alex Voss, Piper’s siren song into a world of crime, pleaded with her once -lover to perjure herself on the witness stand, to prevent Alex from receiving more jail time. Piper did as she was instructed, only to later find that Alex had dimed Piper out to buy herself a get-out-of-Litchfield free card, simultaneously earning Piper an extended sentence in the pokey for her trouble. But then Piper turned around and ratted out Alex right back to her parole officer, ensuring that Alex Voss’ days wearing orange are far from over . . .
Still with me?
In other news, Piper’s SUPER boring fiancé Larry had an affair with her EVEN MORE BORING best friend, Polly. Their tepid “forbidden” romance was the only downside to an otherwise awesome season. Fortunately, neither will be back for Season 3. So, those two scumwads can live boringly ever after, while we focus on the good stuff going on with our resident bad girls . . .
Larry was so much more fun, back when he was having sex with pastries . . .
So what’s on tap for Season 3?
Well, if the above-posted trailer is any indication, we can expect the following:
(1) Lots of Drama with a capital D, following Alex’s surprise return to Litchfield.
(2) A potential love triangle between the aforementioned ladies and androgynous newbie Stella.
(3) Black Cindy beginning a possible new career as a rapper? (“January, February, March, April, May and June” is officially my new jam.)
(5) Speaking of mothers, Dayanara Diaz will, hopefully, finally give birth to the spawn of That Guy from How to Get Away with Murder . . .
. . . seeing as how the poor girl has been pregnant for over two years . . .
(6) More inmate flashbacks for those not characters not yet highlighted during the show’s first few seasons, like the quietly loyal Norma, the animal loving, new hairdo-having Boo, and Flaca, who is featured heavily in the trailers and YouTube sneak peek.
(7) Hopefully, a chance to read Crazy Eyes’ heart-warming alien orgy love story. Now that’s a tale that needs to be on my Kindle, like, yesterday!
(8) Musical interludes like this fabulous gem, complete with matching hand gestures!
If you haven’t been sucked into the vortex that is OINTB, fear not, you have two weeks to gorge on the first two seasons, which are currently waiting for you in your Netflix queue. (It helps if you avoid doing unnecessary things like sleeping, showering, and going to work.)
For those of you who are already fans, what are you most looking forward to in Orange’s junior year? Whose back story are you most interested in seeing? Are you as thrilled to see the back end of Larry as I am? And most importantly, how long until Crazy Eyes’ Alien Orgy Porno becomes a NY Times best seller?
See you June 12th, ladies and gents. Until then, try to stay out of the pokey . . . (They don’t have Netflix there .. .)
Have you ever seen a children’s magic show? By design, a children’s magic show has to be different from its adult counterpart. You see, children generally don’t have the patience for the pomp and circumstance of adult magic shows . . . the “mood music,” the attractive scantily clad assistant, the table that spins in the center of the stage for no apparent reason than to make the audience dizzy.
Because of this, children’s magic shows tend to consist of a variation of the same magic trick, over and over again. “Presto chango.” This hat is empty.
“Presto chango.” Now there is a rabbit in it.
“Presto chango.” We poured milk into a rolled up newspaper.
“Presto chango.” Now it’s dry.
“Presto chango.” This is a blank coloring book.
“Presto chango.” Now it’s filled with the colors the audience shouted at the magician, a moment earlier.
Season 4 of Teen Wolf, in general, and the aptly titled “Smoke and Mirrors” finale, specifically, felt a bit like watching a children’s magic show . . .
“Presto chango.” There’s a deadpool.
“Presto chango.” Just kidding!
“Presto chango.” Derek’s a man werewolf. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s a kid werewolf. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s dying. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s not dying, and is an actual wolf.
“Woof.”
“Presto chango.” Scott’s a berserker. “Presto chango.” He’s better now.
“Presto chango.” Liam’s petrified of berserkers , and doesn’t want to be a member of the pack. “Presto chango.” “I’ll die for you, Scott McCall!”
Back in my early season recaps of Teen Wolf, one of the aspects of the show I always complimented was the way in which its writers never felt they had to underestimate their fans intelligence, by spoon-feeding them information they could figure out on their own. But there’s a difference between providing the audience with only some of the pertinent information, and providing them with none. When you do the former, you are treating your fan like she’s smart. When you do the latter, you are treating your fan like she’s . . .well, a child.
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre, who faithfully recapped this entire season of Teen Wolf, without grumble or complaint, and even indulged my Deputy Parrish fantasies and thinly veiled requests for pictures of him naked, without judgment or mocking.]
Scott McCall and the Temple of Relationship Doom
Not to be a Debbie Downer (I promise I’ll try to make the rest of this recap more upbeat.), but I was so incredibly disturbed by the scene where Berserker Scott beat the crap out of Kira that I think it may have colored my perception of the rest of the episode. My main issue with the scene is that I have this sneaking suspicion that Scott’s actions will have no repercussions in his relationship with Kira, next season. “He didn’t mean it,” she’ll say. “He wasn’t himself at the time.”
“This is all starting to feel very Afterschool Special.”
In this particular instance, it may be true. But how many times have you heard an abusive boyfriend or husband use the same excuse? “I wasn’t myself . . . I was angry . . . I was drunk . . . I haven’t been sleeping.”
“I was wearing a funny hat.”
Even Stiles, who actually wasn’t himself, back in Season 3, when he was possessed by the Nogitsune, was willing to take some responsibility for the havoc “his body” wreaked on the town. “I was there. I saw everything. And a part of me enjoyed it,” Stiles admitted to Malia earlier this season.
If the writers were to have Scott make a similar confession to Kira, could they allow Kira to willingly continue the relationship, without sending a terrible message to fans everywhere?
Ummmm . . . .
Anywhoo, back in the Temple of Relationship doom, Kate is Villain Monologuing about how this cave has magically imbued her with the power to create Berserkers, and make them 100% loyal to her, because . . . um . . . bears really like jaguars, I guess.
“Are they still considered six-pack abs, if you have to wear them as a t-shirt?”
She tells her pet Scott to stab Kira in the chest, and he does.
“Good Bear / Dog. You get a cookie . . . or should I say, another bone.”
Has the Mexico Department of Tourism Gotten Wind of This?
In the season premiere, the Scooby crew all took a nice little road trip to Mexico to save Derek from Kate’s clutches . . . and also to tussle with a Mexican crime syndicate. Now, in the finale, they are heading back to Mexico to “save” Scott and Kira . . .
Apparently, if you are looking for a place where your adult friend can get turned into a teen, and your teen friend can get turned into a mindless bear zombie, Mexico is the Vacation Destination for you!
“Cancun, baby!”
Did I mention they have Chimichangas?
Papa Stilinski is totally not cool with Stiles and his friends heading off to certain death in Mexico. “I get it. You need a vacation. But why not somewhere like Daytona Beach, Bermuda, New Orleans, Vegas . . . a Giant Maze where bug-like creatures chase you around for sh*ts and giggles . . .”
“Nope, viva la Mexico,” replies Stiles. “Also, I’d very much like some guns, please.”
“What’s that you say, Stiles? You would like to take your trustee bat to the Murder Church? Yes, you can take your bat,” replies the Sheriff.
“I said GUNS . . . G-U . . .”
“All right, sonny boy, now you run along and play . . .”
Speaking of guns . . .
All Paws on Deck
For trained bounty hunter, Braeden, murder is like playing golf. You bring every gun you own, everywhere you go, and then carefully select the best one for the circumstance at hand . . . hopefully, before someone shoots you in the face.
“You’re going to need a really big backpack.”
. . . which, I guess, makes Derek her caddy.
For a hero, Derek seems surprisingly cool with his impending demise.
DEREK: “They’ve got that little guy, with the pretty boy face now. Clearly, I’m being phased out, sent off on the ice floe, like the Eskimos do to old people.”
BRAEDEN: “But if you’re dead, we can’t have sex in your poorly furnished apartment, while Lydia screams in our ear anymore.”
DEREK: “You’re over 18, (I hope. I mean, you are, aren’t you? Because, I never actually asked). Maybe they’ll send you on the ice floe too . . .”
BRAEDEN: “Hmmm . . . I’ve never had sex on a block of ice before . . .
Also packing for the trip are Stiles and Malia, the former of whom helpfully offers Malia a pair of his besties dirty underwear so that she can pick up his scent . . .
. . . which would be very helpful, if Scott was trapped under something heavy, and the only part of his body out in the open air was his crotch . . .
Malia rolls her eyes, and decides to sniff his pillow instead. Smart girl!
Last week, Liam was all, “No thank you,” to the opportunity to be a series regular on a show that involved him willingly walking into the jaws of death every week. “Please keep me in mind when there’s an opening on Dawson’s Creek,” he said.
“I have soulful eyes. I can totally be broody like Dawson, or misunderstood and charming like Pacey.”
But then that other wolf guy gave him a pep talk, and he changed his mind . . .
(Also, he Googled Dawson’s Creek, and learned it’s been off the air for over 10 years.)
“I’d very much like it if you tied me up, and strapped me to the roof of your car, so that I can come along on this Super Fun Suicide Trip with you all,” Liam offers, shrugging off the second full moon of his werewolf existence like it no big deal . . .
“Hey, can I come too? I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to be good or evil in this episode Maybe I should go back into a coma, so Meredith can tell me what I’m really thinking,” chimes in Peter.
Now, THAT’S what I call a road trip. But wait . . . SOMEONE’S MISSING . . .
Not Without My Lydia . . .
“Kind of smells like Scott’s crotch . . .”
Back at school, Lydia is snorting one of Kira’s jackets, when this happens . . .
“Hey Lydia, I was hoping I could borrow your calculus notes. You see, I have this big exam on Monday, but Kate’s had me out late every night eviscerating innocent flesh, and I just haven’t had the chance to sit down and study.“
RUH-ROH!
I get that it’s the weekend. But I love how no one noticed the GIANT BEAR BONE ZOMBIE THINGY wandering the halls in broad daylight . . .
Mason’s at the school too, because he’s human, and not friends with Scott, which means he still has to do boring things on this show like eat nasty cafeteria food, dissect frogs, and, in this particular instance, “attend Study Group.”
Also, because every cute red-headed high school teen needs a gay best friend . . .
Stiles tries to get the group to wait for Lydia. But Peter seems to be in a very big rush to leave her behind, so he can save two teens he doesn’t like very much. Yeah, because THAT doesn’t seem suspicious at all . . .
So, the Scooby Gang leaves without Lydia, which is pretty much what they’ve been doing all season, probably because she’s not dating Stiles or Scott . . . also, maybe, because of the Screaming Thing, which is super unpleasant . . .
Mason eventually finds Lydia’s cell phone in the hallway . . .
“Cool screensaver, is that from an app?”
. . . and then, he finds Lydia, just not in the way he would have hoped.
“Bet you never thought you’d wind up back in the closet, huh?”
“That guy, in the hallway . . . the one who beat me up. He had a really great Halloween costume. But I’m not sure if he was supposed to be Shredder from the Ninja Turtles movies, or someone from Game of Thrones. Think I should ask him?” Mason inquires.
“Not human,” Lydia remarks ominously of their burly captor . . .
Humanity is overrated . . .
As the full moon rises, all of our Scoobies appear to be becoming a bit more feral. En route to Scott, Peter is doing a pretty good job of convincing Malia that murder is totally OK, provided it’s for a good cause, like, for example, to help out the person you occasionally bone. “Also, losing control and becoming an animal is OK, if you want to kill the Bear-Looking thing, that may or may not be Scott, so I can become Alpha, because . . . wait for it.”
Meanwhile, in the other car, Derek is offering up a slowly wolfing out Liam, his very favorite cereal box toy, to help him control his animal urges.
“I think it was supposed to come with a matching decoder ring, but I accidentally threw it out with my box of Lucky Charms.”
When that doesn’t work, he teaches him the Latin Alphabet.
“Not impressed.”
When that doesn’t work . .. it’s all about the Buddhism, baby! I’m thinking, The Sun, the Moon, The Truth would make for a great phrase to put on a Teen Wolf t-shirt, don’t you?
Meanwhile, back in temple, Kira is self-mutilating, because the spirit of her Mom told her it would make her feel better. And it works! She’s healed! (And the negative messages for kids, just keep on coming . . .)
“Thanks for making me a cutter, Mom. You’re the best!”
Derek gets sent on the ice floe . . .
Our gang barely manages to park outside the church, when Derek gets his intestines sliced open by a Berserker. It’s the kind of wound you see humans in movies suffer, and you just know they are about to bite it. But Derek . . . well, I guess he’s sort of kind of human now.
The Scooby Gang makes sure to put on their best sad faces for all of two seconds, before leaving Derek to die, and rushing off to rescue their REAL Hero, Scott.
To Stiles’ credit, he looks sad for at least FOUR seconds . . .
Braeden stays with the dying Derek, though . . . possibly because now she has no caddy to hand her guns in battle . . .
But then Kate and the Berserkers arrive, and it’s every man (and woman) for themselves . . .
And the CAVALRY IS HERE! Hello Deputy Parrish, Crazy Mexican Crime Syndicate, Chris Argent . . . We missed you! Well . . . at least I very much missed one of you!
I love how there are thousands off bullets being shot off in every direction, and every single one of these “trained shots” is totally missing the Berserkers. I get that the bone armor is probably pretty effective in warding off bullets. But there are enough openings in the Berserker wardrobe that one would think even a novice marksman could get in a few lucky shots on. . .
THE STOMACH . . .
THE ARMS . . .
THE EYES . . .
Maybe not all of these shots are kill shots, but they would at least do a better job at disarming the Berserkers than, whatever the heck it is they are doing in this scene . . .
“Pretending this is the carnival game where you have to shoot water into a clowns mouth until the balloon on his head pops . . .”
Having slightly better luck against the Berserkers on the home front. . .
Bombs Ove Beacon Hills
I’m pretty sure my favorite part of the episode was the scene where Lydia and Mason, kamikaze themselves (and their baseball bats) at the Berserker. I mean, Mason even came up with his own battle cry, which sounded like ArRRAHHIIAHIHIHI! It was awesome.
Then, Sheriff Stilinski added to the comedy, by engaging the Berserker in a friendly game of catch . . . with IEDs of course. I very much enjoyed the Wil E. Coyote facial expression the Berserker had while he’s holding on to the bomb and knowing he’s about to go kablooey . . .
“Front toward enemy? I don’t get it. Why would you want to play catch with your enemy? Wait a second . . . Awwwww sh*******t.”
S.O.S. – Save Our Scott
Inside the temple it’s a Berserker versus Scooby showdown. Stiles finds a newly-healed Kira, who warns Stiles that (1) Scott is a Berserker; (2) Lydia was left behind on purpose, so that she couldn’t warn the others before they killed Scott.
“My boyfriend physically abused me, which caused me to voluntarily cut myself, which, if this was another show, would make you very concerned for my well being. But this is Teen Wolf, so SAVE SCOTT!”
Meanwhile, everyone seems to be working pretty hard to murder our newly-turned Doesn’t Care Bear . . .
“STOP! It’s our fearless leader Scott, in that Shredder costume!” Stiles warns, just as “Scott” is attempting to strangle little lost Liam.
In that moment, Liam looks into the face of the thing he fears most and sees EYES . . .
“Hey, I’d know those bushy unplucked verging-on-unibrow eyebrows anywhere! That’s my surrogate daddy!”
Since mantras had worked so well on Liam, he decides to use one on Scott . . . the same one Scott used on him to help control his change, earlier in the season. “Scott, you are not a monster. You are a werewolf, just like me.”
And . . . presto chango . . . Scott has, once again accomplished the impossible, and broken the Berserker curse . . . now, if he could just wax those eyebrows . . .
Minutes after coming back to himself, Scott sees Peter and immediately figures out that HE has been behind Kate’s plans all along. (For a dumb-dumb, Scott can be pretty insightful, when its plot convenient.) And he’s PISSED! So, he runs toward Peter, and Peter runs toward him, and the two of them embrace one another in a snazzy dance move I like to call the “Flying Hug of Death.”
“Let’s dance.”
“Think happy thoughts . . . You can FLY. You can FLY. You can FLLLLYYYY.”
So, just when everything seems like it’s going to crap, Derek turns into an actual wolf, and attacks Kate with what at first seems like puppy licks, but is actually gnashing teeth . . .
“Tee hee, that tickles. Wait. Why are you biting off my tit?”
He doesn’t kill her though, because . . . she hosts Wolf Watch . . .
Then Kate’s own brother, Chris, shoots her with a yellow-tipped bullet. Kate looks super offended, but this also doesn’t kill her . . . because . . . Wolf Watch.
“My feelings = hurt.”
THEN DEREK APPEARS NAKED, AND I START DROOLING, AND MY MIND TURNS TO MUSH . . .
(I don’t think anything really important happened at that point anyway . . . except for maybe that whole, Derek kills a Berserker by smushing his face with his bare hands thing.)
Back in the Church . . .
FINISH HIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scott and Peter fighting was like something straight out of the Mortal Kombat video game. Five minutes of, punch, punch, punch, kick, fly, punch, throw, fly, punch . . .
And I started looking at my nails and thinking, my nail polish is really chipped. I should invest in a better top coat . . .
Then Scott, had Peter on the ground FINALLY. . . and I’m like the announcer from the Mortal Kombat video game. “FINISH HIM . . . FINISH HIM . . . FINISH HIM.”
But he doesn’t . . . lame.
Also, lame is how Chris totally has a chance to, if not kill, at least disarm, Kate. And he willingly lets her go, only so he can leave the show head off with the Mexican Crime Syndicate to find her again . . .
“Feeling alone and emasculated . . . wondering if I remembered to DVR My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, before I left the house.”
How it ends . . .
Stiles comes back home, and gets grounded . . . big time.
Malia decides her favorite food is pizza, after all . . .
Coach tells the boys that he’s seen things in Mexico that would knock off their genitals. (I smell a prequel!!!!)
Kira gets a tail . . . well . . . actually a piece of the glass she mutilated herself with, but . . . details.
*sigh* Memories . . .
Lydia gives Parrish a book that looks surprisingly skinny for a bestiary (abridged version, perhaps?), and tells him she’d like to try and help him figure out that he’s a phoenix what he is. (Meanwhile, Parrish patiently waits for Lydia, to leave, so that he can check his database to confirm that she’s had her 18th birthday, before he invites her over to his place for some . . . bestiarying.)
Peter ends up in Eichen House, and he has a roommate!
“I bet he snores and farts in his sleep too.”
(So maybe my guess about the X-Men Eichen House breakout is not so far off after all . . .)
Welcome back, Werebangers. This week on Teen Wolf a number of our favorite Beacon Hill residents finally got laid . . .
While others just got boned . . .
“Worst date everrrrrrrrr!”
We experience episodes like this around this time every season of Teen Wolf. You know, the ones after the main mystery of the season has been solved . . . where the Beacon Hill Scoobies are just trying to catch their breaths, and possibly engage in a little R-rated action, before the inevitable Finale Cliffhanger turns everything to sh*t once again . . .
Stiles: “So, whose turn is it to get possessed by an evil demon and commit evil acts over which you have no control, and therefore won’t have to pay any consequences?”
Scott: “I think it’s mine.”
Stiles: “Good luck with that, buddy.”
Finally, Stiles’s dad has enough down time to take Stiles and Malia out to savage the local deer population . .
. . . or just eat some pizza. That works too . . .
“Tastes like Deer .. . and cheese.”
Scott finally took Kira on a date in what is undoubtedly the most morbid, ugliest, most dangerous, friend-dyingest place in Beacon Hills . . .
“Consider yourself haunted.”
Liam’s lower lip quivered . . .
. . . while he tried to sleep . . .
. . . while he lifted weights . . .
. . . while he played video games with his friend . . .
. . . while he got eaten by a Berserker and died. . .
Just kidding about that last one . . . for now.
Basically, it was your average day in Beacon Hills . ..
With one or two exceptions.
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, a big hearty thanks to my good pal Andre, whose screencapping talent, passion for all things supernatural, and trademark snark, mean that one day he will (and should) write and produce a teen show TV show that rocks 100 times harder than Teen Wolf, and we can all say we met him here. :)]
Third Eye Not-So Blind
You know what really pisses me off? When I’m captured by a wendigo, and he spends five minutes yammering on about how much better I’m going to taste when I’m nervous. You know what makes me nervous? BEING EATEN BY A WENDIGO!
You know what makes me bored and annoyed? Listening to a wendigo talk about eating me. It’s like those annoying food commercials where the two obnoxious dad types try to make hip jokes about their slushies . . . or when the Wendy’s girl and her friends have nothing to talk about during their lunch break except how delicious their hamburgers are.
JUST EAT IT, AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT, MMM-KAY?
I’m not going to lie. I cheered when Deaton clocked this guy’s ass, and carted him off to Eichen House . . . a place that seems to be a Rite of Passage for all residents of Beacon Hills. After all, we all go a little mad sometimes. Am I right?
The idea of there being a floor of the nut house, dedicated entirely to supernatural creatures (and yet, Malia and Meredith got to stay on the regular floor. . . weird) presents a lot of really fun possibilities for next season. Are you listening, Jeff Davis?
I mean, just check out this Samuel L. Jackson-looking guy? How cool is he!
I’m thinking something along the lines of an X-Men villains-type storyline, where all the creepiest, and most disturbing of supernaturals stage an awesome breakout from Eichen House, and proceed to terrorize Beacon Hills residents, just because it’s fun . . . and because they can!
And because Stiles, who is most definitely a comic book fan/ fan of the X-Men series, would have so many funny / meta things to say about a group of big bads like this that come from his and Malia’s Alma Mater of Wackjobs, Eichen House . . .
Anyway, Deaton — being the kind of guy whose clearly not capable of just rescuing a girl from being eaten by a Wendigo, and then heading home to binge watch old episodes of True Blood on Netflix (the early seasons . . . naturally . . . back when the show was still good, and I was still recapping it) — decides to go have a nice chat with creeptastic creeper, who, at first, appears to be sporting a massive gunshot wound in his forehead, but actually just has a really bloody nasty ass third eye . . .
WHHHHHY? WHY Teen Wolf? Why must you be so unnecessarily grotesque? Can we go back to the annoying dude eating the teenage girl? That’s starting to seem downright pleasant about now in comparison to this.
“I told you I’d grow on you. Would you mind terribly if I nibbled on your left ear?”
So, why did Deaton choose to ruin all of our dinners by visiting Third Eye Guy? Apparently, he believes Triclops here will somehow help Deaton SEE the way to save Derek from Inevitable Death By Inexplicable Loss of Powers . . .
Instead, Triclops just makes Deaton take a nap . . .
If all Deaton wanted to get out of this trip was a little extra shut-eye, popping a few Ambien would have been easier (and way less gross). Just sayin . . .
In dream land, Deaton dreams of the bone zone, which is not only where Der Bear first lost his Mojo, it’s also where Scott . . . well, more on that later . . .
“Is this IKEA?”
Anywhoo, just when it looks like Deaton will enter The Big Sleep, everyone’s favorite Banshee Alarm clock pops by to give him a “friendly wakeup call.”
And they all lived Deaf-Ever-After . . .
Scott’s Down with O.P.P . . . (Other People’s Property)
This season on Teen Wolf, Peter’s Blood Money Duffle Bag got more action from Scott than Kira did.
So much money fondling . . .
Sometimes Scott fondled the money by himself . . .
Sometimes he fondled the money while Liam watched . ..
Sometimes Scott and Stiles took turns fondling the money . ..
This week, Scott’s mom found the money (probably because Scott’s brilliant idea of hiding it, involved pushing it under his bed, open, with massive wads of cash tumbling out of it) . . . and began to fondle it with Scott.
AWK-WARD!
Scott’s arguments as to why the McCall’s should keep the money: (1) we need it; (2) its true owner already has enough v-neck shirts and doesn’t need more; (3) hiding millions of dollars in a rather easily accessible vault is a piss poor investment strategy; and (4) its true owner is a rotten excuse for a human being who repeatedly tries to murder me . . .
are quickly shot down by Mama McCall’s moral imperative.
“Bloody money has cooties . . . See? Check out the masssive cooty on this stack of G’s.”
Why was that particular pile of cash bloody, anyway? If the deadpool notifications are to be believed, the assassins had money wired to their bank accounts immediately following verification of the kill. There was no physical cash payout.
Even if the killers immediately cashed out their earnings, that bank money would presumably be “clean.’ Garrett and Violet succeeded in making at least two kills, of which we are aware. Did they then just keep cashing out the money , shoving it into the same duffelbag, and using the unmarked bills in that duffelbag to wipe off the blood from Garrett’s hockey stick? Wouldn’t a bottle of hydrogen peroxide been a more sanitary cleaning method?
No matter . . . when Scott tries to return the money to Derek, he doesn’t want it. “Peter’s a moron,” Derek muses. “He should have invested the funds in a death trap apartment complex and become a slumlord, like I did. Serves him right, spending the money on something stupid, like World Domination. Finders, Keepers, I say. YOLO.”
Oh sweet Derek, you may be dying, but your getting laid by a non-psychotic female, for a change, is making you so much more enjoyable to be around . . .
Cockblocks of the Screaming Kind
Dear Braeden . . .
Please don’t take this the wrong way . . .
I like you. I like that you taught Derek to use a gun, and, in doing so, made him about 50 times less useless in fights than he ever was as a plain vanilla werewolf.
I also think its cool that you are a confident, strong woman, who isn’t afraid to show off your assets . .. even, and perhaps, especially, the physical ones . . .
But your choice of post-coital wardrobe this week, made me laugh out loud . . .
You see, I understand that, as consenting adults, you and Derek occasionally fornicate. (I would fornicate with Derek too, if I were you . . . like, all the time . . . sooooo much fornicating.)
And then, after it’s over, you go to sleep . . .
See, for example, Stiles and Malia. This is a couple that clearly has sex with one another, and sleeps together. But they’ve been dating long enough to have given up the need to “dress for the occasion.”
Sex with a girlfriend or boyfriend is sometimes just sex. To celebrate the occasion, they wear nightclothes. Simple . . . comfy . . . cute.
You know, I wouldn’t mind as much, if Derek and Braeden slept naked (They both totally seem like the type), and had to grab for some quick blankets to cover their unmentionables, when the inevitable screaming intruder popped by . . .
But Braeden wears THIS to bed?
You see, this is how I know a man wrote this episode, one who has never had to suffer through the agony of wearing a lacy bra, with underwire, lots and lots of padding, and boyfriend-style underwear that rides up your ass crack every time you take a really deep breath . . .
Rest assured, Jeff Davis. The only women who sleep in THAT OUTFIT live inside a Victoria’s Secret catalog .. .
Maybe that’s why Lydia was screaming at them, and not the whole, “Derek’s dying. This is a family show. Therefore, I’m not going to let you two screw tonight . . .”
Perhaps, she was saying . . .
“FASHION POLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!”
Meanwhile, in a more G-rated section of town . . .
Nightmare on Liam’s Street . . .
Poor Liam. Sometimes I get the impression that the character thought he was going to be cast as one of The Warblers on Glee . . .
Or Matty’s nemesis on Awkward . . .
And he simply stumbled onto the wrong television set!
Now, he’s growing hair in weird places, and being dreamstalked by what kind of looks like Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and all he’s thinking about is whether all this murder and wolf metamorphosis is going to interfere with his dream to win Sectionals and/or finally summon the courage to ask Emo Senior Jenna to prom . . .
Now, I like the refreshing realism of having a character like Liam, actually experience the effects of being slightly traumatized by the types of horrific events the rest of the Scoobies seem to shrug off every day . . .
“Hey there, Lonely Boy. I’ll sleep over and play video games with you.”
I also like how Scott noticed Liam was dissing his bromantic buddy, Mason (Who still doesn’t seem to get that Liam and his new friends are supernatural, despite that whole “saving the werewolves from the dog whistle music” thing last week.), and cautiously instructed him against being a “lone wolf,” as the little tween is likely going to need his friends more than ever in the coming seasons . . .
“Need a spotter, Liam?”
Part of me just wishes Liam’s Berserker hallucinations this week, had a bit more of a payoff . . .
Like, for example, the writers could have blessed the Berserkers with Freddie Krueger-type powers, whereby if they succeeded in killing Liam in the dream, he’d also die in real life. So, then, Liam would be forced to become addicted to caffeine pills, so that he wouldn’t fall asleep, and those pills had the unintended impact of turning him into SPEEDHEAD I.E.D WOLF. . .
Hey, it could happen. . .
In other unrelated news, guess who has two hands and is no longer poor . . .
This guy!
It turns out Eichen House has given the Stilinskis the old One of Our Staff Members Tried to Murder You discount on their insane asylum bills . . .HOORAY!
It’s been forever, since Stiles and his dad, and the girl Stiles is currently shagging got to share a nice meal together . . .
Papa Stilinski is ready to go all out. He even asks Malia about her favorite food . . .
“Bambi’s Mother . . .”
Why so judgy, Stilinskis? Venison is actually considered a delicacy in many parts of the world . . .
But hey, pizza is good too . . .
The date to end all dates, literally. . .
Correct me, if I’m wrong, but I thought Scott and Kira already had a few first dates. . .
Like the time they road tandem on Scott’s motorcycle . . .
Or the time they slow-danced at Lydia’s grandma’s lake house . . .
Both of those things seem way more romantic than “Sitting in the dark, poorly furnished place where Boyd bit it . . . which still smells like Derek and Braeden Sex . . .”
I also liked how Scott, tried to pump some romance into the fact that, just like the McCalls, Derek was actually too cheap to pay for his electric bills . . .
He strings the whole place up with candles, and makes Kira use her electric powers to get them to run . . .
“There’s also an exercise bike in the corner of the room, you can peddle to make the air conditioner work. Starting riding!”
Beware, Kira! These are the kind of guys that mysteriously seem to have “left their wallet at home,” every time the two of you go out for Valentine’s Day Dinner . . .
The type of guys who convince you to help them pay for medical school, only to ditch you less than a year later for the hot nurse, they met while doing their internship . . .
(On the other hand, from the looks of it, there’s a good chance neither of you are going to live to see college, let alone medical school . So, carpe diem! You go kids! Watch that Star Wars DVD, knowing full well that you are going to be kidnapped AGAIN, before they even finish those black moving screen opening credits . . .)
“Now your balls match my face, Scott.”
In which everyone gets pep talks . . .
“Hey Liam! This is crazy.”
“I know you and I used to beat the crap out of one another on the lacrosse field, because I you totally ruined my coaches’ car.”
“But, we are both secret teen wolves with anger issues, and I have a massive man-crush on your Alpha.”
“So, let’s be friends, maybe?”
Awww, Buddhist Wolf is so sweet! Can we adopt him, Werebangers? Can we?
Meanwhile in the stands of yet another lacrosse game, Papa Peter comes to Daughter Malia with a proposition.
“Kill Kate for me, and I will introduce you to your mother . . . the Desert Wolf . . . who may or may not be Kate.”
“I think I liked it better when my father was just a random redneck, and I’d eaten the rest of my family.”
Hey, has anyone seen Scott? Or Kira? Uh-oh!
Speaking of Peter . . .
It sounds like the beginning of a joke . . . a hunter, a werewolf, and a berserker walk into a sewer . . .
But then, suddenly, this happens . . .
. . . and this happens . . .
. . . and Chris Argent isn’t laughing anymore.
There’s nothing like being bested by a moron in a bear costume and his metrosexual pal to lower one’s self esteem . . .
(By the way, since when do the Berserkers work for Peter too? I thought they were Kate’s pets.)
But then Deputy Parrish comes to save the day . . .
He starts by un-boning Argent (Re-virginizing?)
And then he tells him, “Hey remember that time those Samurai things murdered your daughter? You should be kind of pissed about that, and use that anger to drive you, and make you kill yourself slightly less.” (“You might also consider making some friends your own age, like those douchebags you used to hang out with in Season 1, who seemed to magically disappear after a couple of episodes.”)
“Thank you for reminding me,” Chris Argent replies. “I was starting to think she was just away on a study abroad program, because no one seemed to notice that she and her boyfriend are MIA. I AM really pissed about it! In fact, I’m so pissed, I’m going to be much less of a pussy from now on.”
“Sounds good,” replies Deputy Parrish.
“Thanks sexy Phoenix guy,” Argent replies . . .
“No prob, seemingly normal human who hangs out with so many teenagers that it’s slightly disturbing . . .”
And they all live happily ever after . .. at least once they get out of the nasty sewer . . .
Living slightly less happily ever after? Scott . . .
Rise Darth Berserker!
Having awoken in a bed of bones, Scott and Kira know that their not-so-hot date is about to get a lot not-so-hotter . . .
OK, Kate. You’ve gotten our attention. Care to explain the motive for your madness? (Please make it better than Meredith’s. Please make it better than Meredith’s . . .)
“I hate Scott, basically. He gets all the screentime on the show. His being turned into a werewolf coincided with my niece and my sister-in-law biting it in short order, my father going wacky, and my brother totally losing his nerve to fight. They call him the true Alpha. But I think he’d be better known as the True Life Ruiner. What’s worse, I don’t really get the boner everyone has for this guy? He’s crap at fighting. I just handed his ass to him a few moments ago, again! He can’t even turn into a gorilla. What good is he?”
Not going to lie. As far as motives go, Kate’s is pretty darn rock solid. It’s more sane than Meredith’s, “Peter made me do it in his coma,” motive. And more sympathetic than the assassins “It would make me $25 million richer, motive. And Peter’s egomaniacal, “He’s the only thing that stands between me and world domination” motive.
That said, making Scott wear an ugly Halloween costume is humiliating, but I don’t think it rises to the level of a good vengeance plan . . .
Wait . .. what’s that you say? Kate’s going to make Scott a Berserker? So, he is finally forced to become the heartless monster he always feared becoming? And his friends wouldn’t recognize him, would plot his demise, and might (but wouldn’t likely) succeed?
“Hey, check it out! Matching hats! We’re twinsies!”
Oooooh . . . that’s cold.
Until next time Berserk-bangers . . . er, I mean, Werebangers!
Question: What valuable life lesson can be gleaned from both the adorkable mid-nineties romantic coma comedy While You Were Sleeping and this past week’s installment of Teen Wolf?
Answer: They both teach us that comatose thirty-somethings named Peter with disturbingly expressive (sometimes frightening) eyebrows have the power to provide purpose in the lives of shy, socially awkward girls, who make questionable hair care choices . . .
. . . but only while mid-coma.
Poor Meredith Walker! If she had only shared her hospital room with The Dad from The O.C. instead of The Gorilla thing from Season 1, her life would be so much less complicated right now . . .
This week’s installment of Teen Wolf was equal parts satisfying and frustrating . . .
Satisfying, because our oddly loveable Benefactor has finally revealed her motivations for mass murder, and they are, if not entirely understandable (Who recorded all those tapes? How exactly did Meredith manage to control a 70’s era computer program WITH HER MIND?), at least weirdly sympathetic. (If we had to listen 24-7 to the dream-state ramblings of a scarfaced wackadoo with seemingly czarists designs on his easily extorted upper class town, we’d want some heads to roll too . . . )
Frustrating because . . . HUH?
I mean talk about a Deus Ex Machina! This was literally a case where there appeared to be an actual ghost in the machine . . .
. . . who pretty much controlled everything bad that happened to the characters throughout the entire season. . .
Our heroes then discovered that ghost almost entirely by accident . . .
. . . and then, sometime around the 50 minute mark of the episode, that ghost just got tired and went home.
But hey, at least Scott’s Wolf Facelift looked cool, right?
Let’s review shall we?
[As always a big hearty thanks to my screencapping pal Andre, who is 100% immune to the charms of the sometimes naked (always sexy) Deputy Parrish (WHY? HOW?), but always screencaps him faithfully for me anyway, because he’s just cool like that.]
Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This . . .
Don’t you just hate it when it’s pouring buckets of CGI-perfected rain outside, and you just so happened to leave the house/cave (?) without your umbrella?
“My perm is ruined!”
Don’t you also hate it when it’s raining, and you are being hunted by an army of black suited militia types with laser guns?
“Think anyone will see us?”
“There’s no place like cave . . . there’s no place like cave.”
I know I do . . .
That’s why I always make sure to have my own personal pocket ninja available to defend my honor at a moment’s notice . . .
Hiiiiyaaa!
(Also, I never leave home without my umbrella . . . well . . . almost never.)
Speaking of pocket-sized things one should never leave home without . . .
The Trials and Tribulations of Teeny Wolf
I think a part of Scott assumed that the second he turned Liam (accidental or not), the latter would immediately become his fashionable accessory for always . . . not unlike one of Paris Hilton’s purse dogs . . .
“Yo quiero ser Scrappy Doo . . .
. . . a permanent guest on the back of his motorcycle . . .
. . . the permanent squire to his knight, during Weekly Werewolf Fight Time . . .
. . . a permanent awkward third wheel on his kissy face dates with Kira . . .
Unfortunately for Scott, Liam doesn’t seem to really be feeling his purse dog status. (Though he’s sure got those puppy dog eyes down pat.)
The thing about supernatural TV shows is that they tend to require an Audience Surrogate character to keep things grounded . . . someone with the ability to say the type of things you or I would say when placed in the ridiculous supernatural situations the Scooby Gang gets placed in each week . . .
Someone to say things like, “Isn’t it kind of weird how so many of our friends die, and the following week we just seem to forget they even existed?”
And, “This whole Werewolf Curse Thing doesn’t seem like anything that a really good razor, a cough drop, and some Visine couldn’t cure.”
And, “Where the heck is that really bad techno fight music coming from?”
Up until around Season 3, that person for Teen Wolf was Stiles . . .
But, while the Scooby Gang’s Resident Human is still just as relatable, clever and wisecracking as he ever was . . .you’ve got to admit he’s gotten a wee bit blasé about the whole Mass Murder Thing of late . . .
. . . (maybe it has something to do with all that time he spent as an Evil Japanese Spirit, with a face wrapped in Charmin Extra Soft)
“Don’t squeeze the Charmin.”
Enter Liam . . .
He’s new to the Werewolf Game . . .
. . . he finds being almost brutally killed week after week a teensy bit traumatizing . . .
. . . he believes becoming Lacrosse Team Captain is a bit more reasonable of a goal then Rescuing The World From Evil . . .
In other words, he’s just like us . . .
(Only slightly younger and much, much prettier . . .)
Anyway, Liam earns some major points cool points from me this week for getting Scott to acknowledge the existence of all his instantly forgotten Dead Friends . . .
Bravo, Little Guy . . .
Psycho Killer (Que’st-ce que c’est!)
Ahhhh, Meredith, faking your own death, and then casually admitting to singlehandedly orchestrating the systematic Mass Murder for Hire of what seems like three-quarters of the town of Beacon Hills has lost you a few popularity points with Everyone’s Favorite Authority Figure . . .
“I’m definitely selling my Team Meredith t-shirt on E-bay!”
Now, they are never going to let you date Isaac . . . assuming he ever returns . . . and/or anyone decides to remember that he exists . . .
When Sheriff Stilinski’s and Lydia’s feeble attempts to glean from Zany Meredith something resembling a motive fail miserably, they decide to call for reinforcements . . . Deep V-Neck reinforcements . . .
Shame on you Meredith! Peter is pretty much old enough to be your FATHER . . . or, at least, her father . . .
But hey, you know what they say . . . a lid for every pot . . . even if that lid is a full-on sociopath with a possible furry fetish . . .
Help is on the way . . .
Remember all those Buddhist werewolves who went out into a forest, got poisoned by canine distemper and died?
They’re baaaaaackkk . . .
“We’re going to need a bigger bathroom.”
Well, some of them, anyway . . .
Scott and Co. somehow locate the surviving members of Satomi’s pack. (It probably helps that they hide in completely inauspicious places . . . like in the center of high school football field.)
But where to put them all?
I know! How about that adorable hotel the gang stayed at a couple seasons back? That place was swanky!
Scott, being Scott, decides on a spectacular hiding place for his furry friends . . . a place that no one would ever think to look . . . unless they were a werewolf hunter . . .
. . . or a Werejaguar . . .
. . . or a gang of trained assassins . . .
. . . or Peter Hale . . .
OK, on second thought, maybe this wasn’t the best hiding place for a family of werewolves (or the second best, or the third best, or the fourth best, or the twenty ninth). But hey, at least they didn’t use the Hale Vault again . . .
Of course, Scott has barely had enough time to show his new roommates the Argent Arms bathroom when company arrived . . .
. . . and then . . . even worse company . . .
Tongue Tied . . .
Meanwhile, back in Death Trap hospital, Stiles is nursing a possible concussion from his most recent Brush With Death . . .
Mama McCall asks everyone’s favorite human if he has any dying requests . . .
He does. He wants a tape player . . .
. . . or, as Mama McCall knows them, cassette player.
And so tapes cassettes and the record player make yet another cameo appearance on this season of Teen Wolf.
Next season, phone booths . . .
. . . Oregon Trail . . .
. . . and that asshat dog from Duck Hunt . . .
But Mama McCall has other ideas, apart from archaic technological devices, to aid Stiles on his road to recovery . . .
How about, conjugal visits?
That’s right, boys and girls. Stiles and Malia are back together . . . and all it took was a few minutes in an antiseptic hospital room . . . possibly reminding them of that time they took one another’s virginity in the basement of another wellness institution . . . The Nuthouse . . . shortly before a possessed Stiles went on a murderous rampage and attempted to assassinate all of his friends . . .
. . . aka . . . the Good Ole Days . . .
Mystery Date
Back at the Beacon Hills PD, the moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived . . .
FRO . . .
Meets . . .
DUDEBRO . . .
It’s a showdown of epic proportions. They meet. They exchange pleasantries . . .
BRO RAPES FRO’S NECK WITH HIS GROSS NAILS . . .
Perhaps, I should backtrack a bit . . .
You see, Uncle Peter doesn’t seem to remember Meredith at all. (And that fro and those Massive Googly Eyes are not the kind of things a guy like Peter quickly forgets.)
And yet, Meredith remembers Peter VERY well. It seems she knew him back in the day . . . you know . . . before the magical werewolf plastic surgery . . . and the gorilla thing . . . and the whole rising from the dead thing . . .
In fact, Meredith knew Peter VERY well . . . so well, in fact, that she was willing to orchestrate a Mass Murder Deadpool, using his money . . . because he ASKED HER TO DO IT!!
*record scratch*
Yup, that’s right . . . Peter Hale arranged for the theft of his own money. He is literally the benefactor of The Benefactor . . .
. . . and he doesn’t remember one minute of it . . .
The Smoking Gun . . .
Back at Stiles’ house (I guess tonguing Malia cured his concussion after all), Stiles and Malia play around with a tape cassette player to determine whether any additional information about the Benefactor’s source of funds distribution can be gleaned from Lydia’s grandma’s Death Tape.
Guess what? It can! Somehow Malia discovers that the tape in question was actually made at Lydia’s grandmother’s lake house . . . i.e. the creepy place with the white walls and the Really Rickety Tape Recorder.
So, Little Red Riding Stiles and the Big Bad Werecoyote take a nice little trip to grandma’s house, where they proceed to listen to the same record player Lydia’s been staring stonily at just about all season. Only this time, they hear something different . . . something Lydia apparently missed . ..
“You had ONE job, Lydia! One job!”
There’s something in the wall!
I wonder what it could be?
Is it? (A) The cast from Sixth Sense?
(B) A band of vengeful Oompa Loompas
(C) The set piece for every movie involving computers that took place between around 1975 and 1988.
If you guessed (C) you get a cookie.
Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present the source of the Deadpool . . .
But how did it get there? How did the Benefactor access it? How does it work / distribute funds?
Well, Werebangers, hold on to your hats. Because you are about to get the answers to allsome almost one of those questions . . .
Pillow Talk
So, here’s how it all went down . . .
Apparently, Peter and Meredith were coma bed buddies, back when Peter was suffering third degree burns from the Hale House Fire, and Meredith was suffering from . . . really bad music?
Also during that time, Banshee Meredith’s I See Dead People’s powers apparently magically expanded to I Talk To Coma Patients . . .
And Peter . . . well, he was the chattiest coma patient ever . . .
So, chatty, in fact, that he basically wrote the entire plot for Season 4 of Teen Wolf . . . a plot that Meredith wrote down faithfully in her mind.
You see, Coma Peter was MAD about the Hale Fire . . . mad about what it said about his werewolf heritage, how it made them seem weak and helpless.
And so, Coma Peter devised a plan in his mind . . . a sort of Darwin Survival of the Hairiest Plan . . . a Noah’s Arc for Were Things plan to rebuild the supernatural nation, by murdering every supernatural being that couldn’t fend for themselves, and (presumably) having the surviving supernaturals engage in a LOT of sex and repopulation pronto . . .
And then, Meredith, being industrious and only slightly psychotic, immediately upon getting out of the hospital, used her heretofore nonexistence Berserker contacts to steal $170 million from Peter’s Hale vault, her heretofore unused computer knowledge to arrange for a complex wire transfer system to be run out of the heretofore unseen computer in Dead Grandma Lorraine Martin’s wall, and her heretofore unseen anger against “wimpy” supernaturals to arrange for the murders of an entire truckload of them.
When Peter learns about this, he’s of course, wryly amused and slightly smug, as he is when he learns pretty much every piece of information on the show.
He’s also, as it appears, entirely innocent. Because, if thinking bad thoughts was a crime we’d all be guilty. And if wearing Deep V-Neck shirts was a crime . . . well . . . that’s another story . . .
So, Sheriff Stilinski pulls a gun on Mr. I’m Always the Alpha . . .
. . . snorts and stirs for a bit . . .
. . . and ultimately lets him live to aimlessly plot the murder of Scott McCall another day . . .
. . . And plot the murder of Scott McCall, Peter does . . . big time . . . again . . .
Fight Fight Fight . . .
Meanwhile, a team of trained assassins ambush the Scooby Gang at Argent Arms . . .
And Scott gets MAD! SUPER MAD!
Almost Gorilla Thing Mad . . . or Gargoyle Smurf Mad . . .
Maybe even Darach mad . . .
Except not quite . . .
And then, just when things start to get really Alpha-y . . .
Stiles and Malia shut down the deadpool by . . . wait for it . . . turning off the computer . . .
No seriously, they found a key in some wine bottle and . . . turned it to off . . .
Just think, an entire season worth of murders . . . and they all could have been avoided in the same way you fix your laptop when it freezes . . .
As for Alpha Scott . . . well, better luck next season.
You can’t judge a book by its cover. This isn’t exactly new information. We’ve known this since we were little kids . . . since back when people still read actual books.
Of course, not judging a book by its cover is easier said than done. For better or worse, most of us have been raised to make certain assumptions about people, based on limited information. Subconsciously we are taught to believe that pretty people are good, and ugly people are evil. Loud people are strong and confident, and quiet people are meek and submissive. Hot guys with good bodies look good naked . . .
Well, that last one happens to be true . . .
Teen Wolf has always been a show that tried to shock its viewers, by flying in the face of these assumptions. But because its viewers are pretty savvy, it has met with limited success in doing so. Most of us pegged Lydia as the banshee, from the first time she opened her mouth to scream.
Photographer Matt was so gosh darn creepy, we pretty much pegged him a kanaima master from day 1.
And “adorkable” English teacher Jennifer fooled positively no one but Derek into thinking she was anything but a Darach in 50’s housewife clothing . . .
I can honestly say that Teen Wolf only legitimately shocked me with its choice of big bad twice in its series run, so far. The first was way back in Season 1 . . .
Coma Guy was the one running around in the Gorilla Suit the whole time?
I mean, that was pretty friggin brilliant!
The second time Teen Wolf tricked me . . . this past week, in a twist that, if you think about, largely mirrors the Uncle Peter as Alpha reveal of Season 1 . . .
You would think I would have learned by now . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, a big hearty banshee scream of thanks to my pack pal Andre for providing all the glorious screencaps you see here. This is a guy you can trust. I guy you’d be proud to have alongside you in battle. A guy who would never douse your car in kerosene and watch you burn alive, while casually listening to Jock Jams on his iPod . . .]
“Who let the dogs out? Woof! Woof-woof-woof-woof!”
Kill Not Confirmed
In a season of Teen Wolf that has been positively packed with douchebags, I’d hereby like to nominate This Guy as Douchebag Numero Uno . . .
Murdering complete strangers to become a millionaire is one thing. Murdering your friends and colleagues is quite another . . .
Even Evil!Macauley held off on trying to whack fake friend Liam, until he had already dispatched of most of the more anonymous targets on the list. . .
But not Officer Hank . . . I mean, this guy is just stone cold . . .
. . . stupid. No wonder he’s at the bottom of the payroll at the Beacon Hills PD . . .
First, before murdering a supernatural creature, it might be wise to . . . I don’t know . . . figure out what kind of creature he is first. This way you can avoid amateur mistakes like . . . TRYING TO BURN TO DEATH THE CREATURE WHOSE SOLE MAGICAL POWER IS THE ABILITY TO RISE FROM THE ASHES . . .
“Bored now . . .”
Also, avoid leaving evidence that can be traced back to you, such as, the gas station attendant who saw you purchase FOUR GALLONS OF GASOLINE, moments before that police car burst into flames in an empty parking lot for no reason whatsoever . . . because no one in a small town being overrun by contract killers is going to notice that . . .
And while we are on the subject . . . twist ties? Really?
“All this trouble just to remind me to put out my recycling tomorrow morning? It’s a little much, don’t you think?”
Nonetheless, I’m actually really happy that Hank did what he did. After all, if it weren’t for this schmucko, us Teen Wolf fans would never have been blessed with the glory of getting to see this . . .
Let’s watch that again . . .
Now, for the most part, our Deputy Parrish has always been a pretty zen guy. But you could understand why Sheriff Stilinski’s stalwart sidekick is feeling a bit grumpy, after having had to suffer the pain of being burned alive, followed by the humiliation of having to walk back to the office in his now soot-colored birthday suit . . .
Plus, he’s barefoot, and who knows what kind of fetid crap ends up on those Beacon Hills PD floors?
Athlete’s foot is no picnic!
And so, for the first time this season, we get to meet . . . Hulk Parrish!
“Parrish . . . smash!”
Mommy like . . . a lot.
I hope you like cold prison showers, Hank!
You can’t handle the truth.
Scott and Lydia immediately bring Parrish to Derek’s and Peter’s apartment, probably because Parrish needs clothes, and what the Hales lack in furniture, they make up for in a lifetime supply of deep v-neck muscle tees in every color imaginable . . .
Scott hopes Derek can tell them all what kind of creature Parrish might be. (Hint: PHOENIX! HE’S A PHOENIX!)
Unfortunately, Derek’s knowledge of supernatural creatures is limited to were-stuff . . . like
Werecoyotes . ..
Werefoxes . ..
Werelizards . ..
Werejaguars . ..
Werebears . ..
And Popples . . . lots and lots of Popples . . .
And so, Deputy Parrish’s moment of supernatural self discovery is going to have to be put on hold for at least another episode . But on the bright side, wintergreen is a really great color on him . . .
Speaking of hidden truths, over at the hospital, a doctor, who I am pretty sure was murdered on the show last season (maybe he’s a Phoenix too?), is not so gently reminding Papa Stilinski, who took a bullet during the whole Parrish/Hank fracas, may have to pay some of his medical bills out-of-pocket.
“Pretty sure I was murdered last season by a guy with bugs crawling out of his stomach. But papa needs a new button down business shirt, so continuity be damned!”
Stiles is furious with his father for hiding the family’s money troubles from him. “We are supposed to take care of each other,” he pleads with his father.
Here’s hoping when this is all over Derek shares some of the Hale $117 million with the poor little pack friends who saved his ass from death more times than he could count . . .
Spray and Pray
Clearly, the Benefactor has been unimpressed up to this point with the assassins she selected to rid Beacon Hills of its supernatural population. She needs to expand her horizons. She considers creating a Deadpool Fans Facebook page, but realize that this guy already has one . . .
She considers tweeting about it, but sadly remembers that “Dead Girls Can’t Tweet.”
And so, she is forced to settle for good-old fashioned printer bombing . . .
At least, this way, what she can’t deliver in Dead Supes, she makes up for in Murdered Trees . . .
Banshee People Problems . . .
Like Grandmother like daughter. Apparently, Lydia’s grandmother Lorraine, not only was a banshee like Lydia. She also looked like Lydia . . .
Was smart like Lydia (for a female to have a job at a place like IBM back then, must have been a HUGE deal) . . .
Had an athletic best friend who looked like Allison . . . like Lydia . . .
Predicted, but couldn’t prevent that friend’s death . . . like Lydia . . .
And apparently, played a part in making Meredith more bonkers than she was originally . . . like Lydia.
“No more Justin Bieber, pleeeeeassse!”
Banshees Don’t Predict Danger . . .
Elsewhere in town, Derek breaks the news to Scott that he’s more-or-less a born again human. It must be tough for people like Derek to go from a supernatural hot guy who occasionally sprouts unattractive hair from his ears, to a garden variety hot guy . . .
“I wonder if this will impact my sexual performance . . .”
On the positive side, Derek being human means he’s no longer worth as much money dead! YAYYY!
“Let’s go test out that whole sexual prowess theory. What do you say?”
The bad news is that the price on his head got transferred wholesale to Liam . . .
“Doesn’t murdering the virgin first violate major movie logic?”
. . .which seems kind of unfair. I mean, how about spreading the wealth, Benefactor? Have you seen Parrish naked? (Clearly you have. I’m starting to think that Banshees get 24-7 live feed access to all murders happening everywhere. It’s like a really morbid version of Big Brother).
That bod’s got to be worth at least another two mil! Am I right?
In even worse news, Derek just learned he was the cipher key to open 1/3 of the deadpool. Scott, having an uncharacteristic burst of social awareness, tactfully explains what this might mean for our brooding lone wolf. “You . . . um . . . may be in . . . er . . . danger?”
(This is basically like telling someone who is about to have their leg amputated, that the doctor is going to have to make a small incision on their kneecap.)
But Derek has never been one to mince words. “Screw danger. A banshee thinks I’m going to die = I’m worm food.”
The Grandma Code
What was your THING with your grandmother? My grandma was awesome, not going to lie. She took me to the aquarium to see the sea lions (so cute), road roller coasters with me on family vacations, let me stay up late watching TV and eating Tootsie Rolls when she babysat. She rocked.
Apparently, Lydia’s thing with her grandma was reading The Little Mermaid . . . the original one, which actually had a really sad ending. (Spoiler alert: The Little Mermaid dies.)
But maybe Grandma Martin edited that part out. In fact, I think she probably did, or she wouldn’t be so cool with Lydia calling herself “Ariel” all the time, even though she kind of does look like Ariel. Don’t you think?
(Slight nitpick . . . Lydia claims she read the Hans Christian Anderson version of the Little Mermaid with her grandmother, not a book adaptation of the Disney film, as Stiles suggested. And yet, actually the name Ariel is exclusively a Disney name. The Hans Christian Andersen book doesn’t bother giving the Little Mermaid a name . . .also coincidentally, it has no Sebastian.
How on Earth can you have a Little Mermaid without that adorable Jamaican-accented crab? No wonder the story was so depressing!)
Anywhoo, that’s the key to grandma’s cipher code: Ariel . . .
More names . . . but no dollar amounts attached to these . . . why? Because they are all banshees, and . . . wait for it. They are all already DEAD!
By suicide, no less . . .
Suicide . . . DON’T DO IT!
Stiles and Lydia pay a visit to our old friend Brunski to get a look at the supposed Banshee Suicide Files. Lydia pays a cool $500 for the privilege. (Did you / do you carry around $500 in your purse in high school? I didn’t. Heck, I don’t carry $500 in my purse now! That’s what credit cards are for!)
“Smells like early retirement . . . or a date with a hooker . . . probably the hooker.”
$500. That’s a high price to pay for a tazing . . .
Around this time, honorary pack member Parrish figures out that, considering Brunski was the sole witness of all of these supposed suicides, there is a good chance they were less “suicides” and more “murders,” which is super bad news for Stiles, whose name Lydia subconsciously added to her banshee Already Dead Pool just moments earlier . . .
Totally Random Dancing
If watching the above-video gave you a headache, congratulations, you’re OLD!
Death by Dubstep. Well . . . this is new. Back a few seasons ago, only a few select people in Beacon Hills knew that supernatural creatures existed. Now, random cops, security, guards, DJs and other people we’ve never met, are not only aware of, and trying to murder Beacon Hills’ supernatural population, they are also coming up with new and inventive ways to do so that work by culling supernatural creatures out of a crowd . . .
See The Chemist . . .
And . . . the Really Bad High School Bonfire D.J. . . .
You know how they have these dog whistles that emit a sound that has such a high pitched frequency that humans can’t detect it, but it drive canines practically bonkers?
Or that, apparently after you reach around age 20, your ear stops recording high frequency sounds?
Add to this the idea of a dog whistle that can make werewolves intoxicated, and you have the conceit for this week’s Creative Assassin on Teen Wolf . . .
Think about how much money you’d save at the bar if it all it took to get drunk was listening to a few minutes of Really Bad Techno?
That would be enough dough to pay for Stiles Eichen House bills AND buy him an entire wardrobe of Sarcastic Phrase t-shirts . . .
It doesn’t take long for Scott, Malia and Liam to begin feeling the effects of the crappy Dog Whistle Music. Enter the Security Squad, who decide that the best way to murder unconscious Scott, Malia and Liam is to light them on fire during a very populated bonfire, right in the center of the high school hallway.
Riiiiight, because lighting supernatural creatures on fire worked so well for their friend Hank . . .
Speaking of Hank . . .
How’s your nose buddy?
Looks like someone got themselves a free nosejob.
Fortunately, Gay Best Friend Mason and New Human Derek become an unlikely duo in this week’s Rescue the Main Characters from Danger Challenge . . .
Unfortunately, Stiles and Lydia are going to have to wait a bit longer for their Knight and Shining Sexy Pants . . .
Revelations
Hello Brunski, it’s time for Lessons in Villainy 101. When you are trying to murder the witnesses to your crimes through lethal drug injection, (1) it helps not to play a slow five-minute long tape evidencing your guilt in the murder of one of the witness’ grandmothers . . .
(2) It helps not to HAVE evidence of your guilt on a mixtape, helpfully labeled with the victim’s name on the front. (Seriously, who supplied the Teen Wolf set with so many mix tapes . . . 1992?)
(3) Try to lethally inject your victims outright, rather than babbling on about how and why you’re going to do it, thus giving the hot deputy time to shoot you in the neck . . .
Silly Dead Brunski. You don’t deserve to be the Big Bad. Clearly you are just a hater of banshees. You aren’t smart enough to orchestrate an entire deadpool. For that, we would need someone a bit more subtle in their villainy than you . . .
Someone awkward . . . someone weird . . . and oddly charming in a freaky sort of way . . . someone who everyone thought was dead, and hence, no one suspected at all . . . someone like . . . .
MEREDITH WALKER????!!
Now, this, I admit, was a genuine shock. Who exactly is Meredith Walker? Why does she hate supernaturals, considering she is one? Why did Brunski say she was controlling him? And is she working with/ or for anyone else?
So, many questions. And so little time until they are answered. Teen Wolf is set to air in just a few hours, so there’s barely enough to speculate. Only enough time to show you this . . .
Greetings Werebangers! This week the Scooby Gang came up with a devious plan to force the Benefactor out of hiding, and possibly get him to reveal his identity . . .
. . . it failed miserably . . .
. . . also, lots of people slept . . .
. . . some people boned . . .
. . . and Lydia, once again, found herself on an entirely different show than everyone else . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre for the fantabulous screencaps you see here. I most definitely wouldn’t have “visual confirmation” of Derek’s six pack each week without him. Thanks to whatever the heck Kate (or Peter?) did to him, the dude may be less of a wolf than he once was, but he’s clearly just as much Man Meat as he always was!]
Embrace the Little Spoon
The Politics of Bedsharing are arguably the most complicated and highly sensitive points of negotiation, when navigating a new relationship (second only to Matters Involving the Toilet Seat and Where To Hide the Feminine Hygiene Products). Are you a sleeper who requires personal space, while your significant other is a cuddler? Do either of you happen to be blanket or pillow hogs? Do you have a tendency to kick people in your sleep? Do both of you crave the side of the bed closer to the door, to avail yourself of easy escape in the event of a surprise zombie attack? Does one of you talk in your sleep, or (gasp) snore?
Though Stiles opening sequence dream was obviously less of an actual dream, and more of a nostalgic memory, I enjoyed it for its subtlety, in the same way I enjoyed Stiles’ arguably more plot-relevant dream sequence, which kicked off Season 3A, and cleverly foreshadowed his nogitsune possession.
At the beginning of the Season, Stiles complained to Scott that Malia had, immediately upon starting a relationship with Stiles, taken it upon herself to become his regular bed mate. He also gripes that Malia has insisted that Stiles consistently function as the “little spoon” during their cuddle sessions.
We see that there’s at least a bit of truth to Stiles’ initial complaint, as one of the lone representatives of Team Human on the show tosses and turns in bed, bemoaning how, for years, he slept comfortably alone at its center. Meanwhile, Malia continually insists that his sleeping arrangements have now changed, so he best get used to it. Malia’s matter-of-fact insistence that, as Stiles’ “mate”, she automatically earns the right to sleep in his bed, even if it interrupts his normal sleep pattern, is either admirably feminist, or annoyingly clingy. How you view it, probably says a lot about how you view Malia as a character.
The veracity of Stiles’ second complaint is called into question, however, when we learn that, while it is Malia that first suggests the position of Little Spoon to Stiles, he is actually the one likes it best, as it offers him both the ability to have his center of the bed sleep uninterrupted, while offering him the added benefit of his girlfriend’s warmth and affection. As far as Bed-sharing Negotiations go, this one actually seems to have gone rather smoothly . . .
(Even if it has caused Stiles to feel a bit neutered by his girlfriend in the process, hence his need to lie to Scott about how the whole Little Spoon thing actually came about . . .)
“It’ll be our little secret.”
Of course, all of this is basically a long of saying that Stiles has come to rely on Malia’s Big Spoon Comfort to get him through the night. And now that he finally has the bed back to himself, is surprised to find that it feels lonelier and emptier than he remembered . . .
All together now . . . AWWWWW!
Something Borderline Idiotic . . .
The first time I ever suspected Papa McCall as possibly being a Benefactor suspect was this week, when (1) a ridiculous amount of time was spent on him recapping the events that led to the Chemist’s demise using the phrase “visual confirmation,” (2) an even more ridiculous amount of time was spent on him telling Scott about how the key to murdering dangerous individuals was to become cold and emotionless (and when that fails, drink yourself silly, (3) and then Scott’s dad proceeded to conveniently take himself out of the picture for the entire episode at the precise time when Scott was calling out the Benefactor directly and attempting to meet him face-to-face.
Also worthy of note: Papa McCall is kind of hot. The fact that I noticed this around the same time I pegged him as a possible sociopath says a lot about my taste in men . . .
Also on my list of Teen Wolf eligible bachelors . . .
Definite Sociopath #1
Potential Sociopath #2
Evil Wendigo . . .
Nogitsune Stiles . ..
Nuff said . . .
But enough about me, let’s talk about the Scooby Gang and their self-described “Borderline Idiotic” plan to track down the Benefactor . . .
First, what the Scooby Gang got right. A spider has eight legs, cut off one or two, and the creature can still survive quite well. If you really want to defeat a spider you have to smush it chop off its head.
And so it goes with the Benefactor and his seemingly endless supply of Assassins of the Week. Up until this point, the Scooby Gang has focused on trying to catch assassins before they made their next kill.
The Mute
The Orphans
The Chemist
But to really protect the folks on the Deadpool, the Scooby Gang has to cut off its source of funding.
Now, if I were part of the Scooby Gang, my suggestion as to how to do this would be as follows: fake a convincing death shot of Scott . . .
. . . get the money from the Benefactor . . .
. . . hire a very good hacker (like Danny) to trace the funds back to their original source . . .
. . . bring down the Benefactor . ..
. . . take my friends on a much needed vacation to Tahiti . . .
Now, admittedly, that wouldn’t make for a very good show, which is probably why the Scooby gang decided to NOT show the benefactor visual confirmation of the deceased in order to “cull him out” . . .
. . . but “kill” Scott anyway, in a highly risky supernatural procedure, just for sh*ts and giggles . . .
Geez! Haven’t they learned anything from the whole Bathtub Death Fiasco of Season 3A?
I think as soon as we heard the plan, most of us Werebangers figured it wouldn’t work. After all, last we checked, the Benefactor wasn’t a moron. So, even if he did send someone to obtain “visual confirmation” of Scott’s demise (he didn’t), there’s a good chance he’d use a pawn completely unrelated to the whole Deadpool thing . . .
In the Scooby Gang’s defense, the “brains” of their operation was otherwise occupied . . .
Leaving our stalwart crew a bit like an eight-legged headless spider themselves . . .
Besides, this episode wasn’t really so much about the Benefactor, as it was about Scott’s unresolved romantic feelings for Little Liam, right? (hint, hint, wink, wink)
Playing Dead . . .
In Season 3A, Scott McCall went swimming in an ice cold bath tub and “died in a bathtub for eight hours . . . waking up with no obvious signs of brain damage (apart, of course, from the brain damage that was there before).
But this time around, Scott’s death is going to be by Kira-induced electric shock, which means he only has 45 minutes . . .
“Light as a feather, stiff as a board . . . light as a feather, stiff as a board.”
“Kitsune-gasm?”
No worries, this gives Scott plenty of time to have not one, not two, but three three homoerotic dream sequences, and some time left over to watch this old movie trailer to get in the appropriate mood . . .
In slightly less cynical news, Scott’s fake death was well done . . .
. . . not to mention ridiculously well-acted by Mama McCall, who . . . considering she was in on the act, the whole time, and wailed on cue, like a champ . . . should seriously consider quitting her ridiculously underpaid and underappreciated job as The Only Living Medical Professional in Beacon Hills Who Isn’t a Total Moron . . . and heading to Hollywood, baby!
In which, Derek and Braeden “Heal Each other’s Wounds” . . . Biblically
Much like the Lydia scenes in this episode, Derek’s and Braeden’s Fun with Guns Sexpisode seemed like it came from a completely different show. (Was Derek left in the dark about the Scooby Gang ‘s plan because Scott and Stiles don’t want to give him and Peter back their money? It’s never really explained.)
And yeah, Derek’s and Braeden’s “romance” never really had much in the way of “background” or “character development.”
But hey, no complaints here. I’d watch Tyler Hoechlin Wereporn anyday (and twice on Monday nights).
Plus, from a plot perspective, given Derek’s diminished were powers, and the fact that his hand-to-hand combat abilities haven’t really been up to snuff since Season 2, it’s high time our Adult Wolf learned how to a handle a gun and “bend” into exotic sexual positions the rules of combat. Don’t you think?
And who better to be his Sensei then Weapons Expert, Chris Argent That New Chick He’s Boning?
Words with Friends
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Chris Argent and Stiles are engaging in a friendly G-chat with the Benefactor, using the handle “G” (for Guest? Good Guy? Greenberg?)
“Can we use gravestone and skeleton emojis?”
Stiles argues that the chat could be a bit more colorful, and contain a few more high-scoring words . . .
(He forgets that this is the same guy that calls his secret weapons stash, Argent’s Arms.)
When careful prodding doesn’t work, Chris the Badass resorts to threats . . .
Message sent and received . . .
Argent then wires the security cameras to the Scooby Gang’s laptop, so they can track absolutely nothing the point in time where a guy wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m the Benefactor” casually waltzes into the hospital to take Scott McCall’s pulse . . .
We’ll be back, after this enlightening Dream Sequence Brought to You by Scott McCall . . .
Homoerotic Dream Sequence One: Liam Gets Forked by the Mute!
Scott McCall is in the closet. He climbs out. Hooray! (Good for you, Scott.)
Now, he’s at school, and sees Liam.
Liam tosses Scott his balls.
Scott catches and fondles the balls. Then Liam jogs very slowly away from Scott (playing hard to get, I guess, emphasis on “Hard”). Scott chases him.
He finds a laptop in the classroom. The keyword is his name. The targets are The Mute, The Orphans, and The Chemist, all of whom are already dead, so Scott gets no payment for killing them. Liam wants Scott to kill them AGAIN anyway, because homoerotic characters in dream sequences have the memory capacity of fruit flies.
Scott refuses, so the Mute comes back from the dead, and jams his big stick into Liam hard and repeatedly, thus proving that even ugly deceased Albinos without lips get more action than Scott.
Snooze you lose, Alpha!
Malia, I am your father the Desert Fox is your mother . . .
Malia breaks into the Hale vault again to visit her bio dad. They bond together by punching walls . . .
. . . and reading Malia’s bloody illegible adoption records. Peter promises Malia he will help her find her mother, The Desert Wolf, whose name makes her sound vaguely like an exotic dancer Peter met at a sleazy night club on the Las Vegas Strip . . .
It would certainly explain a lot about Malia’s nascent erotic dancing abilities . . .
Speaking of parental bonding . . .
Ashes, ashes, we all fake our deaths!
And here we thought Gerard Argent was the only faux-deceased geriatric in Beacon Hills . . .
When Lydia’s mom follows her to the Lake House, the latter attempts to ply her with information about her late grandmother’s connection to late Meredith Walker.
Apparently, the two were roomies at Eichen House, who shared the same Boy from Sixth Sense tendencies, and possibly a magical mystical Bottom of the Cereal Box Benefactor Decoder Ring?
Lydia’s mom tells Lydia that her grandmother wished that Lydia, specifically, be the one to scatter her ashes on the latter’s 18th birthday. But then, Lydia’s mom figures, “hey, in TV time, my daughter’s 17th birthday was about 3 years ago. So, screw that old coot. Let’s scatter them now.”
Lydia dutifully opens her grandmother’s urn and is surprised to find that it’s not filled with ashes at all but with . . . wait for it . . .
Lydia then inexplicably determines that the entire house is made of mountain ash, which any of the Three Little Pigs will tell you is a bad construction idea . . .
(In other news, Mountain Ash has just been upgraded to a series regular in Season 5.)
Homoerotic Dream Sequence Two: Liam Gets Forked by the Mute, the Sequel (Now with more fangs and slightly less forking!)
“My what big teeth you have,” Liam muses to Scott, after the latter climbs out of the closet, and fondles Liam’s balls, just like before.
“Do you think it makes me sexier?” Scott inquires, more or less.
“No, it just makes me deader,” Liam replies, as he falls into Scott’s arms, forked again, by the Mute.
Damn Scott . . . so close, yet so far away . . .
Elsewhere in Awake Land, Live Liam is having only slightly greater luck, as he and Kira go to investigate a power outage on the roof, and find themselves facing off against those hulking Berserker things who are boredly kicking their teenybopper asses . . .
(Newsflash Kira: The power to electrocute people > the power to blindly wave around a knife and hit absolutely no one, before falling on your ass and daydreaming about your boyfriend, while napping . . . just saying)
Meanwhile . . . at the Hospital That Only Main Characters Can Leave Alive . . .
Kira’s mom fights Berserkers . . .
. . . and does even worse than Kira . . . Ruhr oh!
And Kate attempts to battle her brother Chris for Scott’s not-quite-so-dead body . . .
But after a little coaxing from her big bro decides to leave empty-handed
Homoerotic Dream Sequence Three: Scott Finally Forks Liam (while the Mute watches)
Out of the closet again . . .
But this time, it’s not Liam’s balls that Scott is fondling, it’s his bloody stick . . .
The Mute comes by to instruct Scott on the most effective thrusting motion . . .
. .. and then . . . it’s FORK TIME!
Now, that’s one satisfied Scott!
Alls well that ends . . .
Things happen kind of fast from here . . .
Scott wakes up . . .
The Scooby Gang is relieved . . .
So are Peter and Kate . . .
Malia returns to Stiles . . .
Annnnnd then she leaves again, wondering if sociopathy may be a hereditary trait . . .
Speaking of hereditary traits, apparently the Benefactor may be a banshee and/or Lydia’s grandmother . . . .
Next, week on Teen Wolf . . .
WE FINALLY GET TO SEE DEPUTY PARRISH NAKED, HOORAY!!!!
Just when you thought it was safe to take your PSATs . . .
(Coming soon to a high school located on a Hellmouth Beacon near you . . .)
In a season that was in grave danger of becoming the Assassin of the Week, Teen Wolf decided to change things up a bit this past Monday, by . . .
. . . having another assassin of the week.
In all fairness though, The Chemist was not your run-of-the-mill One Episode Baddie. While his predecessors preyed on the viewers’ basic fears of things like . . . people without lips . . .
. . . and people who looked like the kid from Home Alone . . .
The chemist (who, by the way, so much resembled one of my high school English teachers, that it was truly frightening) taps into our more deep seated fears, the kind of fears we don’t talk about at parties . . .
. . . You know like the fear of catching some strange incurable disease for a reason completely unknown to you, and dying a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad death that is sure to leave you with a disgusting corpse no undertaker could fix . . .
In short, this was basically the Cabin Fever of Teen Wolf episodes . . . (Google it. ;))
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is ten times better than your run-of-the-mill Benefactor assassin, because he gives me “visual confirmation” of all the supernatural kills, without ever requesting payment. ;)]
Caught between some rocks/ash and a hard place . . .
We’ve missed you, Mountain Ash . . .
Just when we think you’ve abandoned us for dead, you show up in some tea-drinking douchebag’s laboratory.
“That’s Sir Tea-Drinking Douchebag to you!”
(Screw recapping, I’m going to move to Beacon Hills and start a side business selling Mountain Ash to assorted evil-doers . . . and the occasional Scooby Gang Member. I’ll call it Mountain Ash R’Us, and it’s going to make me enough money to retire in two years tops . . .)
Now, I understand that this scene was meant to set the stage for The Chemist’s mass infection of our Scooby Gang with Zombie Werewolf Disease, but, logically, why was it necessary for our Assassin of the Week to use a random no-name wolf as his Crash Test Dummy? Hadn’t he already confirmed his virus a success after massacring an ENTIRE PACK OF WEREWOLVES in the open woods?
I’m going to guess the virus works . . .
One would think that letting the virus loose in an open space would be child’s play in comparison to that. Just saying . . .
Anywhoo, sucks to be THAT werewolf . . .because he’s looking ROUGH.
Needless to say, I don’t think this scene will make it on to this actor’s Sizzle Reel . . .
Meanwhile, back at the McCall house, Scott has stolen his mom’s old cassette player, so he and Stiles can listen to instructions on how to murder half the population of Beacon Hills, while staring at a sh*t ton of money in a duffelbag, and contemplating stealing $500,000 from one of their closest friends.
Just think about how many t-shirts with whimsical sayings on them Stiles could buy with half a million dollars!
(Remember the good old days, where a night of fun for teenagers was a good old fashioned keggar at the house of a kid whose parents are away for the weekend, the possibility of underage sex, and a night filled with generalized debauchery and really bad choices? *sigh* Kids today . . . they just don’t know what they are missing.)
Evil Planus Interruptus
Malia runs up to Scott’s room unannounced to tell Scott and Stiles that Satomi’s back is mostly / almost all dead, and that Derek is currently carrying future love interest Braeden to the hospital like the BAMF he is. (You’ll have to excuse Malia for not calling or texting first. After all, she has been a coyote for the last eight years of her life.)
“I used to hump trees. I don’t judge.”
Meanwhile over at everyone’s favorite veterinarian’s office . . .
“Thanks, but I’m pretty much the only veterinarian on TV, since that sitcom starring the talking monkey got cancelled after two episodes.”
It is a dark and stormy night . . .
Beacon Hills . . . the only place where the entrance to the local vet’s office, looks just as ominous and foreboding as the entrance to the nuthouse . . .
Deaton is trying to lock up shop for the evening when he is attacked by a black hooded avenger skilled in the art of Samurai . . .
Cue the slow-mo Matrix homage to techo music . . .
