“Let’s kick some Vampire Ass (but not mine, of course)!”
Before I put on my recapper’s hat, and attempt to provide you with some moderately (or, at least, minimally) intelligent commentary on this week’s VD installment, I ask that you please forgive me my brief fangirl moment. I LOVED this episode! I LOVED it so much, in fact, that I would very much like to have hot raunchy sex with it;
marry it; pop out lots of babies from it;
and grow old with it, for vampiric eternity.
This one-hour, game-changing VD installment was packed to the gills with non-stop action, teen angst, and, of course, drama, drama DRAMA! A Buddy Cop-esque Bromance was born! A darkside to a heretofore angelic character was exhibited! Hearts were broken (and stabbed)! Senseless deaths abounded! A woman who at one time seemed long lost, was finally FOUND . . . but not in the way her friends and family had initially hoped! Folks, it doesn’t get much better than this . . .
So, without further adieu, let’s take a fond look back at this pivotal, awesome-as-all-heck, VD episode!
Binge and Purge
“Do you think all this rain makes me look fat?”
It rained A LOT during this episode. And not just drizzly droplets of rain, either. Buckets of liquid hell rained down on Mystic Falls, throughout the entire hour, soaking all the characters to their core. And while the “dark stormy night” cliche tends to be overused, particularly in films and shows of the supernatural horror genre, it really worked here. Perhaps this was because most of the episode took place in broad daylight, a place of great discomfort for those light-hating vampires.
It was the DISCOMFORT of the characters that really cinched the mood for this story. After all, walking in the rain sucks. Getting mud in your shoes sucks. Falling down a hill and grabbing onto a hand attached to a dead body . . . well . . . perhaps I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.
After declining Damon’s enticing offer of “two liters of soccer mom in the fridge,” a thirsty Stefan goes out in the woods in search of blood of the non-human variety. There, he is attacked by two of EEVVIL Vampire Frederick’s goons. Apparently, EEVVIL Vampire Frederick did not take too kindly to his girlfriend winning the “Senseless Death Award” last week, and sought revenge against this Kinder Gentler Salvatore, as a result . . .
“Payback’s a wet bitch, bloodsucker!”
The goons take Stefan back to Mama Pearl’s Vampire Hidey Hole, and tie him shirtless to some ropes dipped in the toxic-to-vampires vervain. Now, I’m pretty sure that the whole POINT of all this was for the writers to have some excuse to show us Paul Wesley looking like this . . .
. . . and I’m totally OK with that!
When Stefan fails to come home from his personal “Hunting Party,” Big Brother Damon becomes a bit concerned, and rallies the troops for a rescue mission. Damon’s first recruit for the “Save Stefan” team is, of course, Elena . . .
Her job on the mission? Well . . . to look pretty, basically. After all, Elena is a GIRL, and that’s basically ALL girls did back in Damon’s day, that and play croquet, drink tea, and discuss Jane Austen novels. Although Elena desperately wants in on the “kick ass first, take names later” plot to save her man, Damon won’t let her. Although he “feels her pain” about losing a lover to a Vampire Hidey Hole (memories of Vampire Katherine much?), her life is “valuable” to him and, therefore, not to be put at risk. Now, I don’t know whether to be seriously turned on by Damon’s sexy gallantry here (He adoringly cupped Elena’s face in his hands when he said it.), or seriously pissed off by his rampant chauvinism. Damn you, Damon and your confusing MIND GAMES!
Damon’s other recruit? Alaric!
His job? To BORE the opposition to death with his snooziness. Just kidding (sort of). Actually, Alaric just so happens to have in his possession a golf bag full of vervain-tipped darts. (Who doesn’t, right?) Since, the only weapon Damon had for battle was his own lean muscles and generalized awesomeness, the Smart and SexyVamp figured that having Alaric’s weaponry as a backup certainly wouldn’t hurt.
The problem? Apparently, back in the day, Damon screwed Alaric’s wife and turned her into a vampire. So, she left his boring ass. Not exactly the stuff “bromances” are made of.
Never one to give up without a fight, however, Damon resorts to Plan B. In order to get his hands on those weapons, he tells Alaric that if Alaric helps him save Stefan, Damon will force Mama Pearl to give up the info as to where Alaric’s wife is currently located.
Seeing as Mama Pearl also hates Damon’s guts, and could easily kick his ass (even with both of her hands and one leg tied behind her back) this is, of course, a bald-faced lie. Fortunately for Damon, Alaric is desperate . . . and stupid . . . enough to fall for it. And so, off head our two heroes into Mama Pearl’s Vampire Hidey Hole. It is there, that Damon meets the fusty Old Ms. Gibbons, who all of the vampires living in the Hidey Hole have been drinking, and mind-controlling lately.
So, what does “Our Hero” do? Well, he does what anyone would do in this situation . . . he BREAKS HER NECK, of course! Wait . . . what?
Senseless Death Award? I think we have a winner . . .
Inside, Damon and Alaric, vervain tipped arrows in hand, proceed to kick some SERIOUS vampire ass, all the while, muttering hilarious one-liners to one another, like any good buddy cops would do. Meanwhile, Elena is outside . . . LOOKING PRETTY, until she realizes that NO ONE CAN SEE HER. So, Elena heads toward the Vampire Hidey Hole herself. As I watch her do this, I’m praying that her “girl power” bravery, doesn’t cause her to get kidnapped or captured, thereby, ruining it for my whole sex, a la Kate from Lost, every single time she is placed in this exact situation.
Fortunately, my girl Elena does not disappoint me. Not only does she kick a bit of vampire ass on her own, her human hands are also NEEDED to untie the vampire-poison laced ropes from Stefan’s hot shirtless arms. Damon and Alaric then assure Elena and the newly freed Stefan that they are not done KICKING VAMPIRE ASS . . . even though the reason for the ass-kicking is no longer in the building.
So, out of the Hidey Hole and back into the rainy woods go Elena and a battle-weary Stefan, ALONE. Soon after, the pair are attacked by EEVIL Vampire Frederick. As a result, Stefan is seriously injured. So, Elena takes one for the team, by allowing Stefan his first healing taste of human blood . . . hers.
And you really have to hand it to the producers of this show for avoiding the typical vampire flick cliche of making “feeding” look like hot sex. Because when Stefan feeds off Elena, it doesn’t look hot at all. It looks . . . well . . . like a girl getting her arm chewed off by some dude with rabies. Then, when EEVVIL VAMPIRE Frederick comes back for one final scare, a Feral Looking, Drooling and Snarling, Stefan does him in for good, but, unfortunately, freaks the crap out of Elena, in the process.
“Gag me with a spoon! I didn’t sign on for this sh&t! Maybe playing croquet and ‘looking pretty’ isn’t such a bad idea, after all.”
Later that night, Damon heads out for drinks with his new bromantic partner Alaric, who shows his loyalty to Damon by . . . RANDOMLY PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE!
Super Sexy Damon = NOT a punching bag, POOPYHEAD!
Had he harmed an inch of that beautiful face, Alaric would be DEAD TO ME. But Damon survived the faceplant relatively unscathed. And so, I can officially say this about the typically snoozy Alaric . . . HE IS AWESOME! (for now, at least) When Drunken Damon arrives home, however, he finds Snarly Stefan huddled in a corner, having decided to take Damon up on his Bloody Soccer Mom offer, after all. And you know what they say . . . once you go “Soccer Mom” you never go back . . .
. . . and that was how Bambi’s mother got to live another day . . .
Bite Me, Anna
In other news, Jeremy continues his campaign to get Anna to turn him into a vampire. And it seems like Anna is about ready to take him up on his request. Unfortunately, for Anna, she soon learns that Jeremy is “just not that into her.” Turns out, “VampJer” prefers ACTUALLY DEAD girls to UNDEAD ONES. Sucks to be Anna right now . . .
Speaking of Actually Dead girls . . .
The Senseless Death that Keeps on Giving . . .
The typically uber dull Caroline is out driving during the rainstorm, when her car gets stuck in the mud. To make matters worse, when Caroline gets out of the car to make a phone call, she falls down a hill. Fortunately, a helping hand is there to pull her back to safety. Unfortunately . . . that hand belongs to a corpse.
“And she TOTALLY screwed up my manicure too . . . BITCH!”
Poor Caroline! Just when she thought her day couldn’t suck more, now she has to go tell all of Mystic Falls, including her boyfriend, who just happens to be Vicki’s brother, that Vicki is VERY dead. And you KNOW how everyone just LOVES to shoot the messenger! So, of course, upon hearing the news, Mattykins blows off Traumatized Caroline and rushes into Elena’s recently chewed-up arms . . .
Anyone have the number for a good therapist? Because I think our girl Caroline is REALLY going to need one!
And that’s all she wrote folks! Tune in next week, when the formerly Kinder Gentler Salvatore goes BAT SH&T BLOOD THIRSTY INSANE!!!!!! Is it Thursday yet?