Tag Archives: twenty somethings playing teens

The One Where Jesse Conveniently Turns Evil, and Everybody Keeps Saying the Word “Funky” – A Recap of Glee’s “Funk”

Awww, I’m sorry Jesse St. James!  Drawing on your face like that was immature and wrong (not to mention, bad for your complexion).  You know what else is “immature and wrong?”  Quitting the school you just transferred to a week or so ago, because people were “mean to you” there, and cracking eggs on your ex-girlfriend’s head because YOUR FRIENDS told you to . .  . Guess that means, we’re even.  Here’s hoping your face breaks out from all the scribbling I did on it . . .

Don’t you hate it when your boyfriend transfers schools to get away from you, and then breaks up with you in front of ALL of your friends, by singing a Queen cover song, that not-so-subtly implies you were just another notch on the bedpost for him?  Yeah, we really feel for you Rachel!  But whatever you do, PLEASE don’t break out the Suicidal Beanie Baby dress again!

You and that lamb on your head have so much to live for!

There was a lot of talk amongst Glee fans this week, about how the show’s producers switched this week’s episode, “Funk” with last week’s “Theatricality,” so that the Gaga-themed episode would coincide with the American Idol Finale.  Many attributed that random switcheroo to the off-putting weirdness that ultimately developed into what I would hereby like to refer to as “Jesse-gate.”  However, seeing as Jesse didn’t appear AT ALL in “Theatricality.”   And, in the episode prior to that, he was being all sorts of sweet to Rachel, and even told Ms. Corcoran he cared about the head Gleek, I’m not sure that switch was completely to blame here.  Simon Cowell agrees with me . . .

 . . . but Randy and Paula clearly don’t.  (Hey Paula!  You’re not even on Idol any more!  You no longer get a say in these types of disputes!)

Exploring Jesse-gate

As I’ve already suggested above, this week’s installlment of Glee opens with our Glee kids’ nemesis, Vocal Adrenaline, breaking into their auditorium.   The purpose of the break-in, you ask?  Well, it appears that Vocal Adrenaline heard a rumor that New Directions was poised to beat them at Regionals, and wanted to psych out their biggest competition.  This also gave Vocal Adrenaline’s not-so-former star, Jesse St. James the opportunity to be a poorly constructed plot device inform the Glee kids that he was back working for the enemy, and that he and Rachel were totally dunzo.  And just in case Jesse’s big speech wasn’t enough to nail the final coffin into his temporary relationship, he had to go and do this . . .

Careful Jesse!  Something tells me microphones aren’t the ONLY thing that girl has had in her mouth, recently . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, “Another One Bites the Dust” was good.  It just wasn’t my favorite Vocal Adrenaline performance.  For that, I’d have to go with “Highway to Hell.”  In this song’s defense, the fact that I was shouting four letter words at Jesse the entire time the group was performing, probably didn’t help matters . . .

As if this whole abusive and completely illogical scene wasn’t hard enough to watch, later on in the episode, Rachel receives a call from Jesse, telling her to meet him the parking lot.  She runs out all happy and slow motion style, which, by the way, I DON’T UNDERSTAND AT ALL, seeing as the dude COMPLETELY humiliated her just moments earlier.  And that’s when THIS happens . . .

There were two things (aside from the obvious, of course) that really irked me about the “Rachel egging scene.”  First, how FRIGGIN OLD do those Vocal Adrenaline kids look?  Aside from Jesse, these guys seriously look to be pushing about middle age!  It’s like that Chinese Olympic gymnast controversy in reverse.

“Yeah, if you believe those Vocal Adrenaline ‘kids’ are 16, then we’re 45!”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m ALL FOR twenty-something’s playing teens . . .

 (Yes, I’m looking at you, my sexy Puck Man!)  However, when your “high school kids” look like they are about ready to register for AARP benefits, THAT is a problem!

My second issue with the scene came into play when Jesse said “I loved you” to Rachel, before cracking that egg on her head.  Jesse, what exactly did Rachel DO to make you NOT “love” her anymore?  I mean come on!  The beanie baby dress wasn’t THAT bad!

Hmm .  .  . then again . . .

Will Schuester has a cute butt.  Alert the media!

 I guess one positive (depending on how you felt about this particular plotline) of Rachel getting her heart stomped on by the conveniently turned-evil, Jesse, was that it inspired Will to seek revenge on Sue Sylvester.  His maniacal plan of genius?  To get her to FALL IN LOVE with him . . .

 . . . only so he could DUMP her before her Cheerleading Cheerios were set to compete in Nationals.  This whole plotline was BIZARRE on SO MANY LEVELS.  For one thing, it seemed so ENTIRELY out of character for Will to even CONCEIVE of pulling this off, let alone actually do it.  For another, Sue just doesn’t strike me as the type of gal who would fall in love, over little more than a few good butt wiggles and some free protein powder, particularly with the guy she seemed so intent on MURDERING in EVERY OTHER EPISODE.  On a positive note, the plot device did bring us THIS . . .

Thanks MikkoBayani!

Seriously, I don’t think I’ve EVER seen as tight and adorable an ASS as the one Matthew Morrison was showing off in this scene.  I know some pretty fit girls who couldn’t pull off wearing THOSE pants . . .   Then again, should I have expected anything less from this guy?

Eventually, Sue succumbs to the Charms of the Hot Ass, and agrees to go on a date with Will.  But then he pulls a Jesse, and stands her up.  And suddenly, Sue is so heartbroken that the guy she hates,  hates her back, that she holes up in her house, and cancels Cheerleading Nationals.  The Cheerios got pretty torn up over it, which, in itself, provided for some light comedy, in the form of Brittany’s inside out cheerleading uniform and ridiculous “I’m sad” hair-do.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t manage a screencap on that one.  So you will just have to take my word for it. 

Ultimately, Will apologizes to Sue.  She gets out of bed, and goes on to win Nationals with her Cheerios.  And they all lived happily ever after?

Funk Master Puck is SOOOO NOT a Loser!

In order to retaliate for Vocal Adrenaline’s acts of violence against the Gleeks, Puck and Finn decide to put their differences aside and band together to get revenge.  Their plan?  Slash the tires of the ENTIRE Vocal Adrenaline team, all of whom just so happen to drive identical Range Rovers with super obnoxious “Voc Ad” vanity plates.  (Man, what a perk!  No wonder these 40-year olds don’t want to graduate!)

In a surprising show of decency, Bad Mommy Corcoran . . .

 . . . gives up the opportunity to have Puck and Finn expelled from school, provided they pay for the damages they caused.  So, these two Bad Ass Dudes get jobs working at Sheets’ N’ Things, working for none-other-than the Former Mrs. Schuester . . .

 . . . who kind of seems like she has the hots for Finn, because he looks like her Ex-Husband did when HE was 27 16.  Pretty random, right?  But at least it gave us the opportunity to see this . . .

Thanks bangbangxo!

“Losers” never looked so pretty!  Later, Finn and Puck perform together AGAIN (along with Mercedes) in the Glee choir room.  This time, instead of a Beck song, they choose one by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch . . .

 . . . and during the number, Puck got so excited, he started HUMPING THE FLOOR!

And while it wasn’t a BAD performance, it just didn’t feel true to its roots.  After all, when covering a song sung by a former underwear model, isn’t shirtlessness kind of required?  To prove my point, here is the music video for the ORIGINAL “Good Vibrations.”

Thanks highwishs!

Quinn Febray and the Case of the Disappearing, than Reappearing, than Disappearing Again, Baby Bump

Someone once said that you could judge how well the stock market would do in a given year, based solely on what length of women’s skirts was in fashion at the time.  Using that same logic, I’ve come to believe that you can judge the success of a Glee episode based solely on (1) the size of Quinn’s baby bump that week; and (2) which Glee cast member she was bunking with at the time.  This week, Quinn’s baby bump was fairly small for her solo number “It’s a Man’s, Man’s Man’s World.”  Then it looked insanely large / about to pop during the finale number, “Give up the Funk.” 

Watch and compare for yourselves . . .

Thanks Mr. GleeMusicTV3!

(Oh, and in the words of Artie . . . the “Unwed Motherhood” Backup Dancers?  “Kind of disturbing . . .”)

Thanks again MikkoBayani!

Oh, and Quinn is randomly living with MERCEDES now . . . her fourth home since the season began.  Make of that what you will!

That’s all she wrote folks!  Tune in next week for the Season Finale, when, given the recent trend in their personalities, Jesse and his Middle-Aged Vocal  Adrenaline team mates will probably start devil worshipping and try to offer Rachel up as a human sacrifice .  . .

All snarky comments aside, I CAN’T WAIT!  My Gleeks better WIN THIS THING!

 

 

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The Vampire Diaries’ Season Finale “Founder’s Day” – Live Blogging Event!

According to show writer Kevin Williamson, and some maddeningly teasing hints dropped by E!Online’s Spoiler Maven, Kristen, tonight’s Vampire Diaries Finale offers eight cliff hangers, a major death, and, hopefully, more squealworthy Damon and Elena moments, like the one pictured above.

(Ummm . . . hand holding, anyone? :))

Below is the extended trailer for the episode:

So, after much discussion, and an hour-an-a-half long internet conversation to iron out the details, I am happy to report that my fabulously brilliant blogging friend, and fellow Salvatore Brother enthusiast, Imaginary Men, and I will be live-blogging tonight’s finale episode of The Vampire Diaries, entitled “Founders Day,”  together, starting at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time!

As you can tell, Damon Salvatore is incredibly excited about this news!  So, is Vicki Donovan.  Except, unfortunately, SHE won’t be able to watch . . . being DEAD and all . . .

Join us for what will most certainly be an evening filled with good times, sort-of insightful commentary, and, of course, partially incoherent fangirl ravings of the ALL CAPS variety!  Shirtless Salvatores Brothers need DEFINITELY APPLY!

 Oh, and to whet your whistle before tonight’s show (as if it needed any more whetting!),  please enjoy this webclip from the episode, in which Elena calls Damon out on his “eye thing.”

[I just wanted to update this post to offer you all my sincere apologies.  If you happened to be online during the past hour, you might have noticed that we TRIED to live blog and ran into some technical difficulties.  Please tune in later for your regularly scheduled recap . . .  And again. I’m sorry!]

 

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Anatomy of a Trailer – Touchstone Pictures’ “You Again”

OK.  So, a film about a former high school nerd, who is now “all-grown up” and successful, but soon finds herself reverting back to her old ways, when the school bully conveniently re-enters her life?  It’s not exactly the most original movie premise out there.  And yet, with a cast that includes none other than:

 my girl-crush Kristen Bell (of Veronica Mars fame),

Jamie Lee Curtis,

Sigourney Weaver,

Kristin Chenoweth,

Cloris Leachman,

and the always ADORABLE Betty White

 . . . I simply HAD to post this trailer.  So, here it is (special thanks to TrailerDelinquent, over at YouTube, for posting this):

Let’s analyze, shall we . . .

:12 – I’m not sure how I feel about Jaime Lee Curtis and Victor Garber as Kristen Bell’s parents.  Don’t get me wrong, they are both GREAT actors.  It’s just that they are so “dark complected” compared to Bell’s blonde, fair-skinned, look.  Maybe she is supposed have been adopted?

That being said .  . . I’m TOTALLY loving Garber’s “doo-rag” in this dinner scene!

:28 – I was wondering how they would make the super cute Kristen Bell into a convincing nerd, for “flashback scene” purposes.  I don’t have to wonder anymore . . .

Nice job, wardrobe and makeup department!  They even (gasp!) gave my girl highly realistic looking PIMPLES!

:36 – Now, I may be broadcasting my “inner nerd” when I say this, but I think mascots, in general, are pretty awesome . . . Well, maybe not that one.

Now, do you see what I mean about the pimples?

:47 – “Hugsies!”  – UGGHHH!  I already HATE Odette Yustman’s character, and it’s been less than a minute!

:54 – It definitely looks like they photoshopped together ACTUAL high school pictures of Jaime Lee Curtis and Sigourney Weaver to make this fake yearbook picture.  (Devil horns not included, of course.)

1:12 – OH NO!  They DID NOT just allude to a Jamie Lee Curtis “money shot!”

Sheesh!  The woman does ONE movie with Lindsay Lohan . . .

 . . .  and already she’s exposing herself in public.  This is yet another GREAT reason to ban “Lilo” from all future cinematic appearances!

1:16 and 1:48 – For a movie trailer, this has has a surprisingly  good soundtrack!  The first song you hear is “Good Girls Go Bad,” by Cobra Starship.  The second one is Little Jackie’s “The World Should Revolve Around Me.”  Remind me to add these two tracks to my ipod, OK?

2:08 – “Somebody call US Weekly.  Let’s find out who wore it best!”

Sorry Jamie Lee!  I’m going to have to go with Sigourney on this one . . .

2:24 – “I’m also on the Facebook . . . and the Twitter.”  –  I heart Betty White!  I’ll definitely be stalking her on both Facebook AND Twitter, once I finish this post.

 

You Again bullies into theaters on September 24, 2010.  Will YOU see it?

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“You messed with Elena . . . BAD MOVE!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Isobel”

OK.  So, right off the bat, I’ll admit that the title to this recap is a tad misleading.  After all, it implies that “the good guys” (Salvatore squared) won the “battle,” at the conclusion of the episode.   Because, interestingly enough, they sort of didn’t.  And yet, the fact that these words were uttered by a sexy open – shirted DAMON . . .

about ELENA was enough to make me squeal and bounce up and down on my couch like a 13-year old girl.  (Seriously, I was a MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS to watch this episode with — squealing, chirping, laughing out loud, and clapping my hands all the way through.  It’s probably a good thing that I watched it alone . . . ) 

So, of course, I had to use this line as the title of my recap.  Then again, there was ANOTHER line, later in the episode, that made me squeal even LOUDER than this one — one that I would have liked to use as my title even MORE.  But we’ll get to that later . . .

We should probably get started, before I completely lose the ability to craft coherent sentences, and start typing in ALL CAPS . . . .

A vampire walks into a bar . . .

Conveniently enough, this episode began where last week’s left off.  Specifically, Alaric . . .

was sitting in a bar getting sloshed . . . (Is it just me, or has Mr. History Teacher been spending A LOT of time at the bar lately?  Life got ya down, Alaric?  Not enough sex = too much DRINKY- DRINKY?  Do you think we need to stage an intervention, Dr. Drew?)

Celebrity Rehab – Friends of Vampires Edition airs tomorrow night on VH1

Anyway, Alaric is busy getting wasted, when he is basically accosted by his once-thought-to-be-dead-but-actually- a-vampire-sort-of-ex-wife, Isobel.  (Try saying that three times fast!)

Now, I have to say, based on the few things I had read online, and what I saw from the previews, I assumed that Isobel would be bad ass.  I just wasn’t expecting the SHEER extent of her BAD ASSEDNESS.  This woman was PURE EVIL INCARNATE, for all but about the last two minutes of this episode (more on those later).  Isobel was so void of any humanity or empathy for her fellow man or vampire, that she made DAMON look like this puppy dog .

Equally adorable?  Perhaps.  But I’m willing to bet this pup looks no where near as good with IT’S shirt off !

So when drunken Alaric sees Isobel, he understandably gets all teary-eyed and blubbery.  He desperately wants to have the “I loved you!  Why did you leave me, and ruin me for all women, you heartless TURD” – type conversation with Isobel – a conversation that would have totally made sense coming from this guy . . .

We REALLY do miss you, Dawson of Dawson’s Creek.  We just happen to miss PACEY more . . .

But EVIL ISOBEL is having NONE of that!  She doesn’t give two sh&ts about her once-husband’s feelings!  She just wants to see, Elena!  You know, HER DAUGHTER!  The one she gave up for adoption . . . the same daughter that Isobel was so intent on NOT seeing a few episodes back, that she made some random dude KILL HIMSELF to “send a message”   that a family reunion was simply not in the cards.  When Alaric refuses to orchestrate Isobel’s and Elena’s reunion, Isobel basically threatens to KILL ALARIC’S ENTIRE HISTORY CLASS, if he doesn’t comply with her wishes . . .

“Ummmm . . . Mr. Saltzman, is it too late to transfer to Shop Class?  I’m thinking that regularly placing my hands beneath a massive power saw is a safer bet for me, right now . . .

Scooby, Scooby Doo, Where are YOU? (Hopefully not being eaten by vampires . . .)

Ruh, roh!

A freaked out Alaric summons the rest of the Scooby Gang to his classroom after hours, in order to orchestrate their plan of attack.  Damon arrives last on the scene.  And the 13-year old girl in me, who had been quiet throughout the Alaric / Isobel exchange, starts SQUEALING in full force once again, when Damon cocks his eyebrows in utter concern, and says to Elena, “You don’t have to see her, if you don’t want to.”

But Elena does want to see Isobel.  After all, the latter is her biological mother.  The two make plans to meet up at.  Where, you ask?  Well, at the ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT IN ALL OF MYSTIC FALLS, of course! 

A vampire walks into a bar AGAIN . . . (Stop me if you’ve heard this one.)

 An understandably freaked out Elena, totes Stefan along for the meeting.  He stands idly by, playing pool, just out reach. However, he can hear everything, thanks to those super sensitive vampire ears of his.  Bromantic Buddies, Alaric and Damon, wait impatiently outside, just in case some vampire ass needs kicking . . .

But Damon, I REALLY need a drink!  I haven’t been to The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls in OVER six hours.  Can’t we go in?

And if you thought for a second that Isobel would be kinder and gentler to Elena, seeing as she is her DAUGHTER (because I TOTALLY thought she would be), you are about to be proven WRONG!

Just as she did with Alaric, Isobel threatens Elena.  “Get me what I want, or I will kill everyone you care about,” she, more or less, says to her daughter.

And what does she want?  That random Civil War Era invention created by Wacky Ancestor Gilbert.  The same invention coveted by Creepy Uncle John (who is apparently in cahoots with Isobel, because . . . well, you’ll find out in a bit).

This is also the same invention that the now Dead-Dead Pearl, gave to Damon for safe keeping.  Elena tells Isobel this is a “no can do,” seeing as Damon doesn’t answer to ANYBODY but himself.  “You underestimate Damon’s feelings for you,” remarks Isobel.  (Hold your ears, VD fans! That awful sound you are hearing is ME, squealing with joy, yet again!)

Before leaving the bar, Isobel makes one last parting shot at Elena’s increasingly intense “dude situation.”  “Why are you with Stefan?  Why didn’t you go for Damon, instead?  Unless of course, you want them both .  . . just like Katherine.”

The OTHER La Casa de Rich and Awesome

Isobel arrives back at her La Casa de Rich and Awesome (2.0), to find Damon making himself at home, and playing strip poker with Isobel’s brainwashed porn-star esque human pets.  (The fact that Isobel interrupted this game, before Damon could take off his pants, just makes me hate her MORE!)  At first, it looks as though these two might mess around with one another.  After all, the fact that they have a sexual history together is OBVIOUS.  And, admittedly, the chemistry between the two characters is palpable, in a Mrs. Robinson, The Graduate, sort of way.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Iso-bitch?”

BTW, WHO did Dustin Hoffman’s character end up with at the end of that movie?  THE DAUGHTER!

Just saying . . .

But just when it seems like Isobel and Damon are about to get it on, Damon THROWS her ass on the floor (and NOT in a foreplay way).  “You messed with Elena . .  . BAD MOVE!  (WEEEEEE!  Sorry, that was me, not him . . .)  And I DO like to kill the messenger. Because it sends a message,” threatens Damon, throwing Isobel’s own hurtful words back in her face, before refusing to give up the Crazy Invention.  “If Katherine wants something, tell the little b&tch, she can come and get it herself.”

YES!  Damon actually used the “B” word in reference to the supposed love of his life, Katherine.  He is SO TOTALLY on Team Elena now!

Bad Hair Day, Bad Personality Day . . .

Meanwhile, Bonnie (who now has unflattering bangs that don’t complement her bone structure AT ALL) has been treating Elena like total crap, lately. 

I couldn’t find a picture of Bonnie’s Bad ‘Do ANYWHERE!  (Not even on BING, CW!)  So I had to post this perfectly nice picture of the girl, even though I am REALLY mad at her right now!

She even ignored her supposed BFF, when she found her crying at the bar, after that traumatic Mommy Encounter.  However, later in the episode, Bonnie relents and visits Elena at her house.  After the two hug, and Elena dishes about her Evil Mommy, Bonnie actually provides her with some valuable information about the Crazy Invention.  Apparently, Old Ancestor Gilbert wasn’t a talented inventor at all.   He was just some Loony Old Coot with a hatred for vamps.  So, Bonnie’s ancestor, Witch Emily . . .

 . . . in an effort to protect the townspeople, put spells on all of Ancestor Gilbert’s inventions to make them “magical.”   The Crazy Invention was made into a weapon to KILL VAMPIRES!

A vampire walks into a float preparation event . . .

To prove to Elena that she means business regarding the Crazy Invention, EVIL ISOBEL, causes Matt . . .

 . . . to break his wrist, and KIDNAPS Elena’s little bro, Jeremy!

Fortunately, Elena has a plan to save him . . .

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (the original), Elena explains to the Salvatore brothers that Bonnie has the power to remove Emily’s original spell from the Crazy Invention, making it useless.  Therefore, Elena can give it to Isobel and save Jeremy, without causing any repercussions for the vampire community.  Initially, Damon is a bit skeptical, seeing as Bonnie hates his guts.  “You’re right, you can’t trust me,” remarks Bonnie angrily.

“But you can trust me,” says Elena, solemnly. 

Then the two share ONE SERIOUSLY HOT LOOK, before Damon hands over the Crazy Invention to Elena.  Their hands brush against one another, as the object is passed between them.  And my throat is officially sore from squealing so much.

So, Bonnie does her little magic floaty thing on the Crazy Invention, and pronounces it cured of all vampire-killing tendencies. 

The Exchange and The Implication of LOOOOOOOVE!

With Stefan and Damon as protection, Elena heads off into the woods to hand off the Crazy Invention to Isobel, in exchange for Jeremy’s life.  However, she soon finds that Jeremy is already safe and sound at home.  When Elena asks Isobel how she knew Damon would religuish the weapon, Isobel responds, “Because he is IN LOVE WITH YOU!”

YAY!  YIPPEE!  WOO HOO!

I think I need a moment .  . .

OK, I’m better.  Always one to have the last word, before leaving, Isobel warns Elena that living with a Salvatore brother on each arm, will surely bring about her demise. Once Isobel is gone,  Elena rushes to Stefan for comfort.  However, while they hug, both Elena and Stefan are exchanging pointed looks with Damon that suggest that Isobel’s pronouncements regarding the latter vampire’s romantic feelings were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

And that’s not all . . .

In the last few minutes of the episode, we learn the following”

1)

“Elena, I am your father.”

Elena’s daddy is none other than Creepy Uncle John.  This means that Elena is a GILBERT after all!  (I don’t know about you, but something about this news just set off the Ick Alarms, all over the place, for me!)  Apparently, Creepy Uncle John, and the Self-Loathing Isobel, want to kill ALL VAMPIRES (including Stefan and Damon) to SAVE ELENA from the same fate suffered by undead Isobel and Katherine.

2) 

 Isobel DID in fact love Alaric, but acted bitchy to him, so he wouldn’t feel pain over the loss of her.  (Remember when I said that Isobel was only NOT totally evil for about two minutes, during the episode.  This was them!  Unless you count as “nice” her admission that she wants to save Elena, by killing Stefan and Damon, which, obviously, I DON’T!)

3) Now that his true feelings were put out in the open by Isobel, Damon suggests to Stefan that he will FIGHT for Elena’s heart!

4) New Vampire Hater Bonnie LIED to Elena about curing the Crazy Invention.  She WANTS Stefan and Damon to die at the hands of the Isobel and Creepy Uncle John.   OK, I officially HATE her now!  She can take that nasty hair cut and shove it up her butt!

But I’m not biased, or anything . . . I mean, why would I be biased against someone who wanted to kill Damon?

Oh!  That’s why . . .

Given all this new intel, we can be certain that the VD Season Finale is going to be one WILD RIDE! 

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Ian Somerhalder – Ladies’ Man, Man’s Man, Shirtless Man, Dancing Man (A YouTube Extravaganza!)

 

Here at TV Recappers Anonymous, we love ALL of our sexy television and movie men.  But, admittedly, some of them get more love than others.  Lately, Ian Somerhalder has been getting the MOST love of them all!  Right now, you probably know him best as Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries

On that show, he is the “big bad,” quite possibly sociopathic, definitely vampiric, 160 plus-year old, older brother to Paul Wesley’s Stefan Salvatore.

In his role as Damon Salvatore, Ian plays a man with a serious thirst for blood, a penchant for the ladies, and a soft spot for one Elena Gilbert.

Did I mention he owns a mansion, and enjoys dancing around it half naked?

  (Click the internal link below, to view the video)

Now while all of this is FABULOUS for us fans,  The Vampire Diaries only airs once a week.  In fact, there are only TWO more episodes in the season.  Very soon, Somerhalder fans will be faced with a summer-long draught of open-shirted, brow-furrowed, snarky commenting, fabulous dancing goodness.  After all, there are only SO MANY Damon Salvatore fan videos you can watch on YouTube!

This is where I come in . . . You see, believe it or not, before The Vampire Diaries, Ian Somerhalder was actually in OTHER STUFF!

Shocking, I know!  The purpose of this blog entry today, is to help guide YOU toward Ian Somerhalder YouTube Nirvana.  This way, once The Vampire Diaries is on hiatus (after you’ve broken the virtual “Play” button on your “Damon and Vicki Dancing Webclip,” and after you have watched every single Damon Salvatore fan video known to man), you have some other places to look, in order to satisfy your Somerhalder-sized cravings . . .

Young Americans (2000)

This short-lived WB series (pre-CW) about an all-boys boarding school wasn’t around that long.  In fact, the show (a spinoff of the popular teen drama Dawson’s Creek), only lasted about eight episodes.  And yet, in that brief amount of time, it managed to REALLY push the envelope with some surprisingly risque storylines.  Most notably (of course, otherwise why would I include it here?) was the plotline involving Ian Somerhalder’s character, Hamilton Fleming, the All-American son of the school’s dean.  In the pilot episode, he meets a “boy” named Jake Pratt.  The two quickly bond and become friends.

The problem?  Heretofore straight Hamilton soon finds himself attracted to Jake, who Hamilton thinks is gay (Jake tried to kiss him near the end of the first episode).  So, of course, Hamilton begins to wonder whether he is gay too. 

Hamilton may very well be gay.  But here’s the thing: Jake is a GIRL!  For reasons that I never quite understood (something about getting revenge against her absentee mother) “Jake” a.k.a. Jacqueline posed as a boy to attend the all-boy school.  In the below scene, which was highly reminiscent of the prom scene in that old 80’s flick, Just One of the Guys . . .

(This film is VERY dated.  But it’s a good Netflix rental, if you’re ever in the mood for a gender-bending good time . . .)

 . . . Jacqueline finally comes clean to Hamilton about her . . . um . . . sex.

This exchange actually occurs during the fourth episode of the show.  So I really haven’t spoiled all that much for you.  What’s nice is that, on YouTube, someone was kind enough to distill the entire series into ONLY the Jake and Hamilton parts from each episode, and post them online.   So you can see the couple’s ENTIRE story in under a half-hour’s time.  Somerhalder’s excellent acting skills and the “Jake” character’s androgeny makes these clips WAY more erotic than they should be .  . . It’s definitely worth a look-see, in my opinion.

The Rules of Attraction (2002)

This film, which was based on a very jaded and dark, but oddly insightful, novel about college life, written by Bret Easton Ellis (Less than Zero, American Psycho), featured a fairly impressive cast of hot up-and-coming early twenty-something actors, most notably: Dawson’s Creek‘s James van der Beek, playing a decidedly un-Dawson like role . . .

(Joey Potter would not approve.)

 . . . Jessica Biel . . .

 . . . and Kate Bosworth (who, coincidentally, also starred in Young Americans with Ian Somerhalder)

Here, Ian plays the bisexual and sexually frustrated Paul Denton, a man who seemingly has only two favorite pasttimes: sex and dancing.  Lucky for him (and us), he gets to do both throughout the movie .  . .

Unfortunately, for my purposes at least, the creators of The Rules of Attraction don’t allow embedding on ANY of their original webclips on YouTube.  However, there are literally a TON of them out there.  Just type “Ian Somerhalder” or “Paul Denton”  and “Rules of Attraction,” and you are bound to find them all.  Not surprisingly, most of my favorites of these  involve a shirtless Somerhalder dancing and jumping on a hotel bed in his boxer briefs.

Remind you of anything?

Lost (2004 -)

Those of you who have read this blog before, know that I am a big fan of early Lost episodes, particularly those from the show’s first season.  Of course, THIS GUY had a lot to do with that . . .

Boone Carlyle was everything you’d want in a guy.  Kind-hearted, loyal, intelligent, brave, resourceful,well-to-do, athletic, and dead sexy.  So, of course, the Lost writers had to crush him with a plane and kill him near the end of Season 1.  But before that happened, we got to watch him, through flashbacks, engage in a VERY inappropriate sexual relationship with his younger stepsister, Shannon.

And, you know what?  As much as you REALLY didn’t want to like these two together (Aside from being his relative, Shannon was a manipulative bitch, who basically treated Boone like crap his whole life, and used his feelings for her to con him out of $50 grand.), you just couldn’t get away from the fact that they were both so DAMN HOT!  The chemistry between Maggie Grace and Ian Somerhalder was so smoldering, they practically burnt a hole in your television, every time they were on screen together.  Watch this clip, if you don’t believe me . . .

Need more?  Type “Boone and Shannon” and “Lost” into your YouTube search bar, and you will find plenty more where that came from . . .

That’s all for now, Somerhalder fans.  Just a little something to whet your appetite during those long HOT Vampire Diaries – less months. 

Happy YouTubing!

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Make Room for Daddy (and Jenny) : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Dr. Estrangeloved”

Uh, oh . . .

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  Tonight’s GG installment touted the return of many things us fans may or may not have been missing from Seasons past: (1) a wasted, shaggy-haired, self-destructive, and generally D-baggy Chuck . . .

So HOT!

 . . . (2) an uber slutty, gothed out, stringy-haired, man-stealing Little J . . .

So NOT!

 . . . and (3) a formerly absentee daddy, who kind of, sort of,  makes a pass at his own biological daughter

So CREEPY!

Let’s revisit, shall we?

Little Girl Lost (Bad Hair Found)

So, apparently, while Serena has been MIA searching for her not-so-proud papa, Jenny and Nate have been getting mighty chummy.  She’s been crashing at his place, sleeping in his bed (He sleeps on the couch), and supposedly wearing his shirt . . .

OK, GG Fashion Department, this is where I call BS.  That shirt Jenny was wearing?  HUGE . . . Nate?

Not so much (still cute though).  The pair was also  involved in some SERIOUS Wii Tennis Tourneys.  And can I just say, if that game is anywhere near as sexy as Chuck described it here (sweaty bodies touching, grunts, groans, and sexual tension galore), I would hereby like to officially add a Wii to my Birthday Wish List . . .

How phallic!

Anyway, Serena texts Nate to let him know she’s back home. So, our boy promptly ditches Little J’s ass.  She sulks unattractively, convinced all hope is lost.  However, EEEVVVIL (and hot) Chuck encourages Jenny to use Serena’s return to her advantage, by trying to drive a wedge between the happy couple.  Why did Chuck suggest this you ask?  Well, if you recall, last week Blair dumped his butt.  So, now he’s miserable, and wants everyone else to be miserable too . . . And nothing could make a person more miserable than dating Little J . . .

“I’m misery incarnate!  Yay me!”

Jenny takes Chuck’s advice, stealing Nate’s shirt (which conveniently has his last name etched in the back – His maid must have done that, because we all KNOW Mama Archibald doesn’t sew!).  Jenny then “accidentally” pulls the shirt out of her purse, when she runs into Serena later that day.  Jenny’s evil plan seems to work, because Nate and Serena quickly start bickering over the shirt, as well as Serena’s recent MIA-ness. 

“I was washing my hair.  Not like Little J!  Her weave is probably waterproof!”

Having so much success the last time, Little J takes Chuck’s advice again by “dressing like someone who doesn’t have a mother” (which she sort of doesn’t), when she accompanies Nate and Chuck to a party in Brooklyn. (Yes, boys and girls, our Upper East Siders actually LEFT the Upper East Side this week  . . . and went somewhere other than the Hamptons.)

When Serena calls Nate on his cell phone, Jenny sparks her ire again, by approaching Nate and — loudly enough so that Serena can hear — suggesting he do shots with her . . .

“Drink these, Nate.  They will lower your standards, and make you forget that I am UNDERAGE!”

When Serena rips Nate a new one over the phone for being out with Little J, Nate gets pissed, and decides he wants to “go back to the apartment and get wasted.”  (Smooth move Nate!  Because liquor and heartbreak always mix SOOO WELL!)  Of course, Jenny goes tromping off after him.  Back at the apartment, Nate is bitching to Little J about Serena.  And Little J takes up the bashing in full force, telling Nate that he deserves better, and that SHE would never treat him that way.  Jenny then pulls Nate in for a kiss, which he rebuffs. And Serena arrives at the apartment, just in time to see the WHOLE THING!

“Not cool Nate.  When I told you to bring someone back to the apartment for a threesome, I assumed you would at least choose someone hot!”

Nate and Serena begin to duke it out, and, through their fighting, they figure out that Jenny orchestrated this whole mess. So, Nate kicks Little J to the curb . . .

 . . . and Serena and Nate kiss and make up (meh!  – At least it’s the lesser of two evils . . .)

World’s Creepiest Dad . . .

Why was Serena all “MIA” from Nate’s life during this episode, you ask?  Well, it turns out she was dealing with family issues.  If you recall, last week, when Serena went to her biological father’s apartment, she found her mother there . . .

Apparently, all this time, Serena’s father has been treating Serena’s mother for cancer.  The pair had temporarily cut ties with their entire family, to keep this a secret from them (which, I’m sorry, seems really weird and unrealistic – I don’t blame Rufus for being skeptical).  Papa van der Woodsen arrives in the Upper East Side to break the news to everyone.  He claims that Lily is in remission now (that was fast!), but he would like to rekindle a relationship with his daughter . . .

OK, here’s the thing . . . I always REALLY liked Billy Baldwin.  In my opinion, he was the hottest Baldwin brother (Alec was the funniest, Stephen was the most religious, Daniel is . . . nevermind).  I even liked him as the sexy sociopathic voyeur in that bizarre Sharon Stone movie, Sliver . . .

And for a middle-aged dude, he still looks pretty good.  My issue here, I think, is with how Billy chose to play this particular role. I’d read in a recent Entertainment Weekly interview with Mr. Baldwin, that he was kind of offended that GG cast him as Serena’s dad.  After all, in the past, he always played the boyfriend of girls like Serena. 

You know what?  It totally showed.  When Billy asked Serena out to a local restaurant “to chat,”  and, later, when he said to her “let’s get out of here” and have some “banana splits,”  his line deliveries were much more in the vein of a creepy old guy hitting on a teenager, than of an absentee dad trying to reconnect with his daughter.  It totally grossed me out.

Later that evening, the van der Woodsens have yet another family meeting.  It turns out that Lily’s cancer is not  in remission after all.  So Papa van der Woodsen is going to have to stick around for a while.  But is Papa a Big Fat Liar?  His cryptic conversation with a shady pharmacist, at the end of the episode (not to mention next week’s promos), seem to suggest that he is . . .

The Tale of the Relationship Fatwa . . .

Poor Blair!  Recently single and in complete denial of her breakup pain, all she wanted to do was have a hot revenge makeout session with an eligible bachelor.  But EEVVILL Chuck had other plans for her.  When Blair arranges a party with a dozen eligible bachelors from the Upper East Side, not one of them shows up.  Blair knows the reason instantly.  “You put a Relationship Fatwa on me,” she whines to Chuck.

“I did NOT put a Relationship Fatwa on you,” argues Chuck.  “It’s just that no one can measure up to what we had, and I’m not the only one who knows it.” 

(For what it’s worth, I kind of liked the “no one can measure up” line.  I thought it was kind of sweet in a D-bag Chuck way.  But, apparently, he’s used it in past breakups with Blair.  Because when I searched for the quote on Google to try and nail down his exact phasing, I found the same words in recaps for other episodes.  Way to be original, Gossip Girl!)

Anyway, recycled lines aside, Chuck was LYING!  He totally put a Relationship Fatwa on Blair!  He confirms this when he learns Blair is heading to a party in Brooklyn (the same one Jenny and Nate attended). Chuck immediately decides to go to the party, in order to extend the Fatwa across all Five Borroughs! 

At the Brooklyn party, Blair flirts with a student from Columbia (which, if I recall, is where Blair now goes to school, although they seemed to brush over that fact during this episode.  Wouldn’t it have made sense for her to tell this boy that she recently transferred to his college?).  The Ivy League Co-ed is clearly smarter than he looks, because he immediately picks up on all of the glares Blair is throwing in Chuck’s direction.  He tells Blair that he is more than willing to play along, and make out with her, to make Chuck jealous.  But Blair declines.

Huh?

As Blair explains to Chuck at the end of the episode, she needs to properly grieve over the loss of their relationship, before she can make out with random dudes.  “When I kiss another boy, I want it to be for Me,” she explains.  (Boo, hiss Blair!  Don’t you know, you aren’t supposed to be the mature one on this show?  What happened to the bratty, whining, scheming, and 12-year old acting Blair of yesteryear?)

I’ll miss you, Mean Girl!

In Other News . . .

Gossip Girl‘s most boring couple got only slightly more interesting this week, when they both screwed one another over.  You see, apparently, NYU — where, in real life, approximately 20,000 undergraduates are matriculating at any given time — in GG world, has the WORLD’S SMALLEST WRITING PROGRAM EVER – one that only admits ONE PERSON every year.   Riiiight!  Talk about a poorly constructed plot device.  And yet, if it drives a wedge in the middle of this snoozy couple, I say, “Bring it on!”

Anyway, Sleazy Liar Vanessa decided to apply to the program AGAINST Dan, and NOT TELL HIM she was doing it.  And even though the character has NEVER EVER shown ANY interest in writing AT ALL!  She gets in over him.  When Dan finds out, he initially tries to be supportive.  But I’ve faked happy for a friend I was jealous of before, and I know what it looks like . . .

Yup . . . that’s what it looks like.

Fortunately for Dan, the daughter of the Dean of Admissions at Tisch REALLY wants to get in his pants.  So when Dan lets it slip to HER that Vanessa’s application piece might not have been entirely original (He thinks she based it on a short story Dan once wrote), the ho-bag quickly runs to rat Vanessa out to Daddy.  The only problem is . . . Vanessa DID submit an original story, one based on her relationship with Dan (that must have been ONE BORING ASS STORY!)  So, of course, Vanessa finds out what Dan did, and she is PISSED!

Well, that’s all folks!  Tune in next week, when we will most definitely get to see a lot more of this Creepo . . .

 . . .Tighten up that chastity belt, Serena.  You’re gonna need it!

XOXO!

 

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Whatever Happened to TV Theme Songs?

Remember back in the olden days, when television shows had catchy theme songs, and opening sequences, typically featuring pictures of cast members and scenes from the show?  Whatever happened to those?   When was it exactly that television programmers decided that theme songs were “dorky” — that cast pictures and opening credits were just plain unnecessary?  Perhaps, it happened around the same time that producers made this  . . .

Call me out of touch, but I, for one, miss my TV Theme Songs.  After all,  “jingles” were the soundtrack to my childhood and adolescence.  The opening sequences that accompanied them allowed me the few precious moments I needed to get revved up for my favorite shows.  (Not to mention, they allowed me to drool over adorable close-ups of whatever actor I happened to be crushing on at the time.) 

This is why today, I would like to pay homage to the theme songs and opening sequences that made me the TV Recapper I am today.  These opening sequences that I am about to show you will probably be as close as I will ever come to writing an autobiography.  My list begins with the first two television programs that I recall watching, back when I was still in diapers, and runs all the way through to present day.  (Don’t worry, I only chose ten shows . . .)

So, without further adieu:  My Life as a Series of Television Theme Songs . . .

Sesame Street

For most of us, this was probably the first television show (and theme song) to which we were exposed.  I’m pretty sure my mom was already making me watch Sesame Street, when I was still in her womb.  And even though I haven’t watched the show in . . . well  . . . a LONG time, its theme song still gets my toes tapping, and its colorful opening sequence still brings a smile to my face.

(Unfortunately, I couldn’t find an opening sequence on YouTube that corresponded to a time when I was actually watching this show.  All the available examples either aired too early, or too late for Baby Me.   Plus, apparently, Sesame Street changes their opener ALL THE TIME!  Fortunately, the song always stays pretty much the same.  And the  above opener came closest to how I remembered the sequence, i.e. MORE pictures of puppets and LESS of random kids that I don’t know, or care, about . . . So you can get the basic idea.)

Fraggle Rock

I have very vivid memories of this HBO show. (Can you believe HBO used to air children’s programming at night?  Things SURE have changed . . . )  The extent to which I remember this show is strange considering that, based on the time frame during which it aired, I had to have been more or less a toddler when I was watching it.  I distinctly remember, however, that its characters were awesome!  Let’s see . . . there was Red, the sporty tomboy Fraggle,

Mokey, the artsy-fartsy, hippie-dippy Fraggle,

oh . . . and that other Fraggle that talked, acted, and sort of looked like Woody Allen.

Then there were the DOOZERS, blue collar workaholics that were ACTUALLY BLUE!

And, let’s not forget Fraggle Rock had one of the most kickass opening sequences of ALL TIME!

Full House

This is one of those shows that, back when I was a kid, I thought was AWESOME.  However, now, sometimes, I watch it in reruns, and wonder what I was smoking back then  . . .  Yet, back in the day, Full House was part of TGIF, ABC’s kid-friendly Friday night lineup.  And everyone who was anyone (and who didn’t have a sleepover party to attend that weekend) was watching. 

D.J. Tanner was the big sister I never had, but wish I did.  Little Me wanted to be just like her when I grew up, (or, rather, merely aged a few years).  I even had my room decorated the way her character did on the show (same bed sheets)!  Apparently, I would have been one stalkerish little sister . . .  It’s probably a good thing that I was an only child.   

Home Improvement

Honestly, I shouldn’t even be including this one, because the theme song had NO WORDS, and, actually, was kind of lame.  However, Home Improvement was a very important show for me, because it marked my ascent into womanhood.  After all, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, the middle child on the show, was my FIRST EVER television crush!

In fact, this very picture, which was probably cut out of some Teen Bop magazine from the early 90s, hung on my childhood bedroom closet door for an embarrassingly long time.  Just in case, you were curious, my first movie crush was Macauley Culkin from Home Alone.

It seems kind of creepy for me to be saying these things now.  But, rest assured, these were both age appropriate crushes for me at the time . . .

Fresh Prince of Bel Air

A rapping, super cheesily dressed, teenage Will Smith?  How could I NOT include this opening sequence in my list?

Friends

After listening to this theme song EVERY Thursday night for TEN YEARS, I can’t even hear the first few bars of “I’ll Be There for You” anymore, without wanting to slit my wrists.  But there was a time, not too long ago, when I LOVED the song, and LOVED the show!  Honestly, who DIDN’T want to be one of the Friends?  They were all just SO COOL!  (Well . . . except for, maybe, Ross.)

Dawson’s Creek

Ahhhh . . . Dawson’s Creek.  My lifelong obsession with Pacey Witter and his gal pal, Joey Potter began with just a few simple words, belted out by Paula Cole, “I don’t wanna wait!”   (Sadly, I own, and still, on occasion, watch, the DVD’s for the ENTIRE series.)  Oh, and by the way, just a note for The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity: here’s living proof that you DID NOT invent “shaky cam.”

The O.C.

The O.C. has been off the air for a few years now, but I am still going through a bit of withdrawal.  Benjamin McKenzie’s Ryan Atwood was the ULTIMATE brooding bad boy (and pretty easy on the eyes too, I might add).

Oh, and Seth and Summer? They gave hope to EVERY nerd out there who ever had dreams of dating the prom queen.

Plus, the show’s opening sequence, put a modern spin on a musical classic . . .  What could be better?

Veronica Mars

Adorably snarky teen super sleuth?  CHECK!  Twisty turny and surprisingly dark seasonal mysteries (and slightly less twisty and dark episodic mysteries)?  CHECK!  Super sexy, mildly mutually abusive, “LoVE” / Hate relationship between two hot twenty-somethings playing teens? CHECK!  Catchy, yet ultra hip, theme song and title sequence featuring The Dandy Warhols?  TRIPLE CHECK!

True Blood

Well, folks, we have traveled long and far (20 some odd years, to be exact), but we have finally made it back to present day.  And, like I said, for the most part, theme songs and opening sequences have, sadly, become a thing of the past.  But fear not, because all hope is not lost . . .

While it does not technically fit the opening sequence mold (no pictures of the cast are shown here), True Blood’s “Bad Things” title sequence is everything a slightly raunchy, often funny, and fangtastic show about vampires, and other assorted supernatural creatures from the South, should be . . .

So, there you have it — my life summed up in ten television theme songs . . . Something tells me the next generation won’t be able to write a blog entry like this one . . .

[P.S.  Did I forget to include YOUR favorite TV Theme Song in this list?  If so, maybe I caught it in the sequel to this post, which features 10 more awesome TV Theme Songs.  You can find that post here.]

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