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The Importance of Being an Ugly Ass Baby Doll – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “More Bad Than Good.”

hungry

Greetings, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, Stiles learned how to read, Allison learned how to shoot, and Scott learned how to roar.  We also got to see a lot of people naked (Both girls and boys!), and learned a word in Spanish!

la loba

“La Loba”

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful hour of television.  Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, all of the screencaps you see here are courtesy of Andre the Awesomesauce! Thanks Andre!:)]

Because having ten fingers is totally overrated . . .

When we last left Peter and Derek, they were both mostly naked . . .

derek body

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clap

And having millions of bolts of electricity shot through their body at painfully regular intervals .  . .

electroshock therapy

electrifying

boo nolan

This week, Peter and Derek are exactly where we left them . . .

vlcsnap-2014-01-14-19h17m35s198

. . . except now they have company.  Hello, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman of a Super Villain from Every Comic Book and Tom Clancy Novel Movie Adaptation I Have Ever Seen.  Pleasure to make your acquaintance . . . again.

weel keeel

mr_clean

This incarnation of Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is kind of chatty.   He keeps babbling on about something called La Loba.  “Where is La Loba?”  He demands.  (My helpful friends at Google Translate tell me La Loba means “The She-Wolf.”  It’s also a song by Shakira.  But since the latter can easily be found on YouTube or ITunes, we assume Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is referring to the former.  This show is called Teen Wolf, after all.)

sour wolf

Derek and Peter, half of whom are really smart guys (cough, cough, Peter only, cough), are completely baffled by Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman’s inquiry, probably because, being naked, they lack easy access to their iPhones and Google Translate.  And, of course, Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman is much too glib to translate for them.

ep 7 in spanish

This is a shame, because I suspect, if they knew what Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman was seeking, they could be much more helpful.  I mean, who knows more She-Wolves than a pack of werewolves, right?  We’ve already met a few of them ourselves.  (Kali – dead, Laura – dead, Cora – playing Lady Mary on the show Reign MIA, Derek’s mother, supposedly dead, but probably not).

keen werewolf senses

Unfortunately for the Hales, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman seems much more interested in administering “electro-shock” therapy, waving around chainsaws, and doing his best impersonation of Benicio del Toro’s character in Savages than extracting actual information from our heroes . . . at least, until his Mommy comes home.

throw mama from the train

Mommy Bad Guy may not be much to look at.  She’s wearing the ugliest wig I’ve ever seen, and appears to have taken her wardrobe cues from Tyler Perry’s Madea. 

frumpy mom

tyra

But she’s a much more effective interrogator than her son.  “WHERE IS THE SHE-WOLF?” She asks immediately.

ep 9 obviously stiles

Finally, someone willing to translate!  But despite now having all the necessary information, Derek and Peter still won’t answer.  Well, now they are just being obstinate!

mr. stubborn

Peter offers alternative form of payment.  He’ll sing for his captors, which, is actually something I’d really like to hear .  . . Teen Wolf Karaoke, a great idea for a spinoff show, if ever there was one.  But Mommy Bad Guy doesn’t strike me as one very appreciative of the arts.  So, instead, she cuts one of Peter’s fingers off.  I think it was his middle finger.  Very fitting, under the circumstances . . .

thumbkin

I think it’s facing in the wrong direction.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills . . .

The Douchebag Cometh

After surprising one another in the woods, and making each other scream like little girls . . .

ahh stiles

Apparently, the Big Bad Wolf is sometimes still afraid of Little Red Riding Hood . . .

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

 . . . Scott and Stiles come upon what they believe to be Werecoyote Malia’s lair.  It’s small.  It’s dark.  It’s dingy and poorly furnished.  It’s basically my old dorm room . . . minus a few shot glasses, broken Christmas lights, and cheaply framed movie posters.

dorm

love college

The guys call Stiles’ dad for backup.  So, of course, Scott’s asshat dad has to show up too.   You know that guy who no one ever remembers inviting to their parties, but, somehow he always ends up showing up anyway to clog your toilet bowl, and eat up all your Tostitos and dip?  That’s 100% Scott’s dad.

le douche

What’s worse, Scott’s daddy dearest brings Malia’s highly unstable father along for the ride, for seemingly no other reason than just to be a prick.  Daddy McCall claims he’s helping Malia’s dad gain “closure.”

malia dad

Naaah . . . being a prick seems like a much more logical explanation to me.

nodding oh yeah

It’s Hard Out There for a Kitsune Girl Named Kira

At school, New Girl Kira is adorably awkward, and a big ole nerd, with the “couple of hours of research on Bardo” she “typed up” for Scott . . . just because.

you knew that

This, coupled with the fact that her dad totally harshes on her game, by embarrassing her at every opportunity, and, pretty much treating her like she’s an eight-year old girl experiencing her first crush on a boy, I assume, is supposed to make us like her.

research for boyi so want to hit that

Translation : “Can you and I have sex soon?”

my daughter totally wants to hit that

“My daughter is not the best communicator, Mr. McCall.  What she’s really saying is that she wants to bone you, ASAP.”

she absolutely wants to hit this

“I’m not 100% sure.  But I think Kira might be sexually attracted to me.”

Except .  . . remember the last love interest that was adorably awkward and a big ole nerd?

heart of darkness

And we all know what happened to her . . .

evil jenny

darach

Suffice it to say, I’m not going out to buy any Team Skira t-shirts, until I’m 100% certain this adorably awkward nerd and her dad aren’t this season’s Foxy Big Bads . . .

big bad

Fool me once, shame on you, Teen Wolf.  Fool my twice . . . well, you know the rest.

Kira’s dad loses even more Cool Points with me, by picking on newly illiterate Stiles, of all people, to read in front of the class.  Last week, Stiles was only illiterate about half the time, usually when he was dreaming.  Now, it appears he’s gone full-on Prime Candidate for Hooked on Phonics. I don’t know about you, but, to me, this is starting to look a whole lot less like a Nemeton-Induced Bardo problem and a whole lot more like a Brain Tumor Problem.

what about you

reading is hard

“Couldn’t I start with something a bit easier . .  . you know, like a Dr. Seuss book . . . or Twilight.”

falling words

And wouldn’t that be the ultimate twist?  To have a seemingly supernatural problem on the show explained by completely mundane, scientific, means?  Vision problems, mood swings, personality alterations, sudden illiteracy, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, distorted realities . . . these all just happen to be symptoms of a brain tumor . . . just saying . . .

not a tumor

Standing in front of the classroom, as the words on the page in front of him, literally fall to his feet, Stiles begins to understandably have a panic attack, and rushes from the room.  (Where’s Lydia to stick her tongue down your throat, when you need her?  Am I right?)

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

make it stop please

ignore problem

Scott rushes to the restroom to help his suffering bestie.  However, his method of curing Stiles (having the tearful and panting boy count his fingers) is not nearly as fast acting, or fun to watch, as Lydia’s solution.  Eventually, however, it works.

no extra digits

“See no extra digits. . . unless I pull down my pants.  Do you want me to pull down my pants?  Because I’d do that for you, Stiles?  That’s what friends are for.”

no dont pull down your pants

“Thanks for the generous offer. But I would strongly prefer your not pulling down your pants.”

Meanwhile, Kira offers to bring Scott and Stiles the bags they left in class during their hasty departures, because she’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer, when it comes to her plans to get into Scott’s wolfy pantalones.

i so want to hit that

“Yoo hoo,  I have your book bag.  Will you please have sex with me now?”

Ease up, Kira, honey.  You are on a show with an extremely limited female population.  Chances are, assuming you don’t die in the next episode or so you’re eventually going to be able to hit that, regardless.  So, maybe trying playing a bit hard to get . . . let the wolf come to YOU. Just saying.

hes-just-not-that-into-you-photo

As payback for her over-eager Flirtation Gambit, Kira gets attacked in school by one extremely territorial were coyote.

i want my doll

“I want my doll!”

baby doll stealing

“Come here and let me eat you, you baby doll stealing turd!”

(With all the teens that get murdered in Beacon Hills on a seemingly daily basis, you would think the school would finally wise up, and invest in a decent security system.  You know, something that would prevent wild, possibly rabid, animals from just popping in, and roaming the locker rooms for a good ten to twenty minutes, before anyone bothers to discover them.)

malia

“Can I see your student ID?”

Were Malia stalks Nerdy Kitsune Kira all the way to the boy’s(?) locker room, even going as far as to jump through glass to get to her.  This would be a really good time to turn into the eight-tailed fox we all know you to secretly be, Kira!

But she doesn’t.  Instead our heroine(?) assumes the damsel in distress role, just like Darach Jenny did before her and waits patiently for Scott to come to her rescue, which of course, he does.  Pushing down an entire row of steel lockers with the same ease that you and I would knock down a row of dominoes, Scott scares off the pretty chick from The Secret Circle the were coyote, and offers future love interest Kira a protective hug.

flick

“Fear not, possible villain!  I will save you from the Pretty Chick from The Secret Circle.”

That’s when the two teens notice what Malia was really after, a creepy baby doll that is peeking out of Scott’s now ripped gym bag.  Now, for most teen girls, carrying around ugly baby dolls in your gym bag would be a total deal breaker in a prospective mate.  But not, Kira.  She’s in loooooove.  You know what?  I take back what I said earlier?  Big Bad Were Fox or not, these two wackadoodles totally deserve one another.

i want my doll scary doll

“Hi, I’m Chuckie.  Wanna play?”

Hey, Look Who Didn’t Die?!

Confession time.  I’m a bit in love with Peter Hale.  How many guys do you know would be able to get their favorite finger chopped off one minute, and be able to calmly make jokes about it in the next?  I mean, the guy asks his captors for antibiotic ointment, and makes it sound like a pick-up line.  Now, that’s talent.

always been the alpha

Up above our sexy naked wolves heads, it begins to rain bullets. Seconds later, Derek and Peter find themselves face-to-face with their leather-clad, gun happy, rescuer.

raining bullets

im back braeden

It’s Braeden!  Remember her?  She’s the one who awesomely rescued Isaac on a motorcycle in the Season Premier, and got her neck chopped into baked ziti for her trouble . . .

soon dead

We all mistakenly thought Braeden was dead, but it appears that she was just home recovering from a really bad boo-boo.  By the way, does anybody really die on this show?  Plot twists like this make me question everything. I mean, maybe Kanaima Master Matt is still alive . . .

drowning matt

Or Kali . . .

kali

Or that Creepy Chemistry Teacher . . .

mr harris

Or Boyd . . . nah, Boyd is definitely dead.

growly boyd

noticing me

Braeden explains that she was hired to rescue Derek by Deucalion, thus proving that the Recession impacts everyone . . . even supernatural, ass-kicking emissaries.  I mean, seriously, would YOU work for the guy who made a spaghetti and meat sauce dinner out of your neck?  Because I wouldn’t .  . .

job

Because saving Sassy Peter Hale wasn’t in the job description, Braeden contemplates leaving him behind.  Then, she remembers, that with Stiles in full-on angst mode this Season, Peter is our show’s sole remaining shot at comic relief.   And so, she goes above her pay grade in service to us, Werebangers.

evil peter pan

Thanks Braeden!  If I could afford to pay you I would.  But since I can’t, I hope you will settle with my not permanently and horribly disfiguring you like your last boss did.  Deal?

Actually, that just gave me an idea!

lightbulb-idea

Maybe Braeden can borrow Isaac’s ridiculously metrosexual scarf to cover up her hideous neck wounds!  Braeden would have more self-confidence. Stiles wouldn’t be able to make fun of Isaac anymore.  Everybody wins!

negativity and scarf

isaac scarf

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You’re welcome, Teen Wolf.

Braedan wisely suggests to her wolf charges that they blow this popsicle stand, before the rest of the cast of Once Upon a Time in Mexico return to finish what they started.  But Derek says no.  The gang can’t leave without their Mysterious Magical Object of the Week.

sexy derek face

*Sigh* Derek . . . you never learn.  Do you?

Speaking of people who can’t seem to leave well enough alone . . .

What’s shakin’, Baby Doll?

Back at school, Stiles is explaining to Scott how Malia was probably after the creepy doll in his bookbag, when WHAM, Malia’s dad magically appears and rips the ugly thing from Stiles’ and Scott’s fingertips like it’s The Ring That Rules Them All and He’s Smeagol.

here i go again

What the hell?  Does this guy have a police scanner in installed in every room of his house?  He just seems to magically pop up anytime anybody mentions his daughter’s name.  It’s almost as if he’s psychically connected to the word.  Say it three times, and he appears . . . like Bloody Mary . . . or the Candyman . . . or Beetlejuice.

Malia’s dad is convinced this doll-loving coyote murdered his family.  And he wants it dead, which is why he’s casually roaming the halls of Beacon Hills High carrying a gun, like it’s no big thing.  Seriously, this school NEEDS A METAL DETECTOR, and maybe a petting zoo.  It’s becoming like Dangerous Minds up in here.

dangerous minds

Scott and his Scooby Gang decide they need to save Malia and get her to turn back into her human form, before her dad inadvertently murders his own flesh and blood in the woods.  But how?  Their first idea is to incapacitate Malia, by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun, and pulling her out of harm’s way.  The problem, of course, is that former expert marksman, Allison, has officially become the worst shot ever.

big shoot

Option 2, get Scott to ROAR Malia back into humanity, using his newfound nifty Alpha Powers that we so far have yet to see.  But that option is problematic too, for two reasons.  (1) Scott is having some serious performance anxiety when it comes to  . . . um . .  . erecting his inner Alpha; and (2) he’s terrified that once he goes Alpha, he’ll get all Manic Gorilla-ey like Peter, murder all his friends, and pretty much remain a monster for all eternity. ..

ep 6 alpha

Quite a pickle . . .

But surely, there must be someone out there who can help Scott learn to Roar like baby Simba in The Lion King, or Katy Perry in that video, where she hangs out in the jungle?  But who?

baby simba

“Hakuna Matata?”

The Bash Brothers

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what beating the crap out of Scott has to do with getting him to harness his Inner Alpha.  But it sure as heck is fun to watch . . .

take it like a bitch

what he said

*insert bad 90’s video game music here*

wham bam

It would be nice to see Scott fight back a little bit though . . .

is this the part where i turn green or gorilla y

“Is this the part where I turn green and start smashing things?”

smash 2

I mean, seriously, dude, you are supposed to be the King of the Jungle . . . the epitome of the Alpha Male.  For heaven sakes, grow a pair!

Meanwhile, the stakes are getting higher, as Malia’s dad busies himself booby-trapping the entire woods around Beacon Hills with coyote traps.  Dude needs a job . . . bad.  The good news is that I hear this church in New Orleans is looking for a new Priest . .  .

priest

Nom-nom, tastes like Allison.

While gearing up to tranquilize Malia, and flirting with Isaac over vials of pee (Sexy!), Allison once again finds herself in a Dream World being tortured by Sweet Auntie Kate.  This time, Allison fantasizes that she’s a corpse with exposed entrails, and an oddly-still beating heart.  Kate is the lead surgeon  / person performing her autopsy?  Oh yeah, she’s also the leader of a pack of vampire-fanged cannibals, who start hungrily munching on her insides, like they are at the Sunday Breakfast Buffet at Dennys.

yummy

this is embarrassig

“Feeling kind of exposed here?  Can someone pass me a towel?”

eating

*insert sloppy eating sounds*

When Allison wakes up, she’s pointing a tranquilizer gun at Isaac’s head.  That’s odd?  She didn’t have a gun in her dream . . .

dont shoot

“Is this foreplay?”

Follow that Doll!

Sheriff Stilinski arrives at Malia’s dad’s house to scold him for potentially chopping off all the pretty manicured toesies of the nice lady joggers in Beacon Hills with his Big Mean Coyote Traps.

busted

“Busted.”

home shopping network

“I have what you would call a Home Shopping Network Problem.”

While there, the two notice a break in the doggie door of the Tate family home that was most certainly not caused by the family dog.

cute dog

“I’m innocent!”

It’s Were-Malia.  She took that damn doll again!  Now, not only is the Scooby Gang on her tail, but deadly daddy is en route as well.  Start your engines, boys!  It’s time for a Chase Scene.

good day for dead coyote

“Say hello to my little friend.”

Because Lydia and Stiles are clearly the Velma and Daphne of this Scooby Gang,  (I leave it to you to decide which is which.)  they, of course, are the ones who finally figure out Were Malia’s true motivations with regard to the Ugly Ass Doll.  Apparently, Ugly Ass Doll belongs to her dead baby sister.  And all the poor little Coyote is trying to do is bring it back to the site where she died, and pay her coyote-ish respects.  Is that too much to ask, dammit?

girls together

i just want to be loved

“See, I’m misunderstood.  I just want to be loved.”

big bad of this ep

The twist:  The real Big Bad of the episode is . . .  wait for it . . . ME!  MR.COYOTE TRAP!

Now, all the Scooby Gang has to do is help Malia get to the car wreck, before her father murders her canine ass.  Easy, right?  Maybe not . . .

Within seconds, Isaac and Lydia both have their toesies stuck in coyote traps.  Allison can’t shoot.  Stiles can’t read the instructions to dismantle the traps.   And Scott can’t roar.  This is one sorry ass Scooby Gang, if I ever saw one.

and another one down

And another one down . . .

another one down

another one down . . .

another one bites the dust

another one bites the dust . . .

With just ten minutes left in the episode, Allison, Scott and Stiles must cure their psychological demons fast.  Allison, with some encouraging words from her “anchor” Isaac, starts talking to herself in French, and, just like that she’s CURED!  Hooray.

so tired

Nighty, night Papa Tate!  Have a nice nap!

alli

“Back to being awesome.  Thank you very much.”

Unfortunately, Stiles still can’t read.  So, his anchor Lydia has to go with a Plan B.  “Words are so last season,” Lydia explains to Stiles.   “Geniuses like you and me, don’t need to read.  We just know stuff, because the plot makes it so.”

makethemwonder143

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And so, Stiles The Genius calmly dismantles the trap from Lydia’s toesies.   And small children everywhere learn that reading is for losers, and totally unnecessary for your survival, provided you have a pretty red head at your side to solve your mental problems for you.  Thanks, Teen Wolf!

halloween scaring kids silent-boulevard

As for Scott, well . . . you held him down, but he got up!  Already brushing off the dust.  You hear his voice, you hear that sound, like thunder going to shake the ground.   I’m tired of quoting this song.  But, long story short, you are going to hear him roar, dammit!

alpha now

Mufasa would be proud, Young McCall . . . (Pumba and Timon too.)

Bamn!  Were Coyote Malia presto change-os back into the pretty chick from The Secret Circle. 

why am i naked

“Where’s the rest of my coven?  How did I get here?  Why am I naked?  Whose the guy with the fugly face?”

i did it

“Hey I didn’t make disparaging comments about you when you were in canine form!”

She returns to her dad, and everyone lives happily ever after . . . apart from about 7 or 8 years of intense psychological damage, and the fact that this is an 18-year old girl with the education level of a fourth grader. 

your pretty daughter

hugs

DAD: “I’m going to try really hard not to blame you for inadvertently bringing about the rest of our family’s death.”

MALIA: “Cool, I’ll try really hard not to blame you for very purposefully trying to murder me for the past nine years of my life.”

The good news is that now Stiles can have company in his Hooked on Phonics Class!  But wait . . . magically, at the end of the episode, Stiles can read signs on dashboard mirrors.  He’s cured!

i can read

ep 10 happy stiles

Sorry Malia, looks like you have to remain a lone wolf, after all . .  .

And now for your weekly cliffhangers. . .

In their former captors’ casa, Derek and Peter find a box filed with  . . . wait for it .. .

mountain ash

Haha, I knew I’d get use out of that ridiculous gif again.  Anywhoo, inside the . . .

mountain ash

 . . . is a trinket with a mysterious symbol on it . ..

pretty

So, basically all that mountain ash was just really expensive bubble wrap . . . Sorry boys!

(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m sure that trinket will end up being Super Important.  I’m just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious.  Just call me, Sassy Peter.)

Elsewhere, someone pulled up a plant from the nemeton, causing fireflies to escape and turn into . . . Firefly People?

firefly people

Got any bug spray?  Something tells me Beacon Hills is about to need A LOT of bug spray . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

 hi stiles

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Unbelievers – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Girl Who Knew Too Much”

you just don't believe

don't believe 2

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We know the fire awaits unbelievers.  All of the sinners the same.

Girl, you and I will die unbelievers, tied to the tracks of the train.

-Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend

Belief . . . in our causes, in our selves, in our family, friends and lovers.  Believing in something is essential to our survival as human beings.  It gives our lives direction and meaning.  It gives us hope, and the strength to get out of bed each morning, and face another day.

stydia big 2

Sure, this week’s episode of Teen Wolf was about revealing the not particularly surprising identity of the Darach, and the even less surprising explanation of Lydia’s gifts.  But it was also about the Scooby Gang struggling to believe . . . in one another’s good intentions and abilities, and in their own capacity to become heroes, and defeat evil.

my hero

stiles with wolf hat

For a show steeped in fantasy and the supernatural, “The Girl Who Knew Too Much” sure did see a lot of characters being forced to face Reality . . .

stiles sad 3

Brush up on your Druid chanting, and artistic representation of Oak Trees, Wolfbangers, because it’s time for another recap . .  .

ephemeral

[As always, special thanks to my awesome screencapper Andre, who I know would be kind enough to spare my life, if he ever forced to engage in the ritualistic sacrifice of obscure bloggers . . .]

Death Becomes Her

Can I just put it out there that I believe the TV Trope of Anonymous-Unimportant-Character-is-Introduced- and-Subsequently-Killed-Off-in-the-First-Five-Minutes-of-Your-Teleplay should be banned for all eternity?

die in blinkin8

sour wolf

Yeah, yeah, I know.  Anonymous Character deaths are a necessary evil when your main story plotline is Serial-Killer-Murders-Three-Vaguely-Related-Characters-Each-Week.  I mean, there’s only so many “Important Characters” you could eviscerate in a single season, without causing fan revolt, right?  (Sorry Boyd!)

boyd kicking ass

And I also recognize that, in this particular case, the “entertainment value” of these scenes has much less to do with the murders themselves, and more to do with figuring out what “theme” will tie them together, so we know which of our main characters is currently in danger of not making it out of the episode alive.

dead baby day 1

dead baby day 2

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I just wish the writers would change it up a bit.  You know, instead of having the character get introduced and die in the first scene . . .

hello my name is

unfortunate plot device

Why not start with a lighthearted scene featuring the main characters, to lull the viewers into a false sense of security, and THEN bring on the random violent death . . .

hello my name is 2

less of a

Or maybe you introduce the random character in the first scene, but, in a surprise twist, you let THAT character survive, and kill off the main character nobody was worried about . . .

there again

red herring

A third option?  What about making the anonymous character / assumed victim ultimately turn out to be the villain of the episode . . . kind of like the Teen Wolf writers did themselves, when they introduced Kate Argent, back in Season 2?

1_kate

big bad

My own petty grumbles notwithstanding, this week’s “Opening Kill” was actually pretty masterfully done.  For one thing, I found the victim’s stupidity maddeningly engaging.  Girlfriend looks about 100 pounds soaking wet.  And she still decides to wander around an empty school alone, even after she sees an unidentified being dragging a HUMAN body across the floor, with as much ease as if it was a cotton blanket.

feety

stupid bitch chasing the ghost

It takes a lot to get me to scream at the television, these days.  So, the fact that I am yelping, “GET OUT OF THERE!” and “CALL FOR BACK UP,” and finally “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUU!” throughout the entire cold open is actually pretty impressive.

dumb girl

no no on

Then comes that deliciously meta moment where the soon-to-be victim finally encounters the corpse she’s been watching the killer drag across the floor all this time, only to find that . . . wait for it . . . IT’S THE VICTIM HERSELF.  She’s been chasing her own dead body, this ENTIRE TIME!

dead shelf

“At least I died clean . . .”

Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

You know what else has to hurt?  This . . .

dead shelf killer

“Oh no!  Lord Voldemort is going to kill me.  Where’s Harry Potter when you need him?”

draco malfoy facepalm

Speaking of meta, I love the self-referential nature of the scene that follows, during which Lydia gripes about how annoying it is to constantly be the one finding the all the dead bodies.  So, Scott graciously “finds” this one for her . . .

find the body

the effing angel of death

(Speaking of Angels of Death, wouldn’t this be a slightly cooler thing for Lydia to be than what she ultimately ended up being?  Angels of Death are awesome!  Banshees just give you a headache.)

found the body

Small town cops . . . always sleeping on the job .  . .

This show is quickly becoming the “Where’s Waldo” of Druid Sacrifices . . .

wheres waldo

Another nice touch is the later reveal that this particular “Anonymous Murder” isn’t quite so anonymous, in that both Stiles and his dad are personally acquainted with the victim.  As the son of the local Sheriff, who also happens to be a single dad, it makes sense that Stiles would spend a lot of his childhood hanging around the police station, and would, therefore, know most of the cops that worked there.  The fact that Stiles had a relationship with this female cop before she died adds some realism and poignancy to a supernatural series that can sometimes come across as a bit cavalier about its high body count . . .

mopey stiles - Copy

Meanwhile, over at the Argent Apartment . . .

The Morally Ambiguous Father Figure Club

It’s a surefire sign that something is amiss in your parent / child relationship, if a series of brutal murders occur in your hometown, and your first thought is “Yeah, my dad totally did that.”

allison twirly stiles pls

Unless, of course, your father is This Guy . . .

Dexter-dexter-26095020-1280-800

The fact that Allison was so quick to assume her father was the Evil Darach, says a lot more about her than it does about him, particularly since, I suspect that few viewers ever genuinely considered him a suspect . .

argents

Then again, maybe all this cloak and dagger suspicion was just an excuse to get Allison rolling around on her bedroom floor with Isaac .  . .

hump hump d

Because if anyone understands what it feels like to be the spawn of a possible sociopath, its the guy whose dad used to lock him in the icebox for sh*ts and giggles, when he breathed too loud at the dinner table . .  .

vulnerable isaac

For about two seconds, Allison seems genuinely annoyed that Isaac climbed through her bedroom window, simply because Scott told him to do so .  . .

isaac

(Honestly, sometimes its hard to tell who Isaac has a bigger crush on, Allison or Scott. . . .)

kissy face alissac

looking at you

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But then she gets to straddle him on the floor, while he’s sporting what I’m sure is a massive hard-on, and, instantly all is forgiven . . .

knifepoint

straddle hump

Source

Allison quickly fills in Isaac on the whole “My dad is probably the Darach” thing.  And the two quickly head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they promptly find, etched into his desk, an artistic representation of all the Druid Sacrifices that have occurred in the town this past season . . .

guardians

OK, now I know I just said that Papa Argent never seemed like a legitimate suspect to me, but the whole desk art thing threw me for a bit of a loop.  For one thing, etching a Celtic symbol on your desk, with words like “Virgins” and “Guardian” emblazoned across its center, pretty as it might be, seems like a tremendous waste of time for a detective, who could have just as easily gotten the information across, using a piece of notebook paper and a black magic marker.  Secondly, it’s just plain illogical.  Say you catch this Darach, and all the murders are over.  Now, you are stuck having to buy an entirely new desk for when the next inevitable supernatural murderer waltzes into town . . .

soap dish smash

Anywhoo, after calling Stiles and warning him that his “Guardian” cop father might be next on the Darach’s hit list, these two crazy kids figure out where the next body will likely be discovered.  So, they head over there, pronto, for what they believe will be a Daddy / Daughter fight to the death . . .

Smells Like Sex and Plot Exposition . . .

Special congratulations go out to the two-weinered monster of Ethan/Aiden this week, for sprouting a second personality to match its second face and sexual preference!

dont do it

“It’s like looking in a gay mirror . . .”

It all starts when Aiden tells Ethan that just because the Demon Wolf told him to have sex with Danny, doesn’t mean that Ethan should actually enjoy it . . .

another shot of danny

But enjoy it Ethan does, soooooooo much!  And better yet, now that the Alpha Pack has decided that nobody else on the show gives two sh*ts about Danny, Ethan can enjoy the sex guilt free!

dethan

Personally, I think Aiden’s just jealous, because HIS mandatory sexual conquest, Lydia, stopped f*&king him, after he used Derek’s claws to kill her sort of/ kind of / but not really pal Boyd . . .a total faux-relationship faux pas.

blue balls

But Lydia’s “friends” force her to start screwing Aiden again, so that they can pump Ethan for more information about Deucalion, which should probably make Lydia feel a bit prostitutety.  But it doesn’t . . .

not an orgy - Copy

Hmmm . . . I wonder if werewolves have the capacity to transmit venereal diseases . . .

grotesque-forward-walking-spanner-crab1

Crabs . . .

Perhaps, they just transmit fleas like the rest of their species . . .

So, while one personality heads off to Pound Town, the kinder gentler one is punished with the much less glamorous job of Plot Exposition . . .

exposition

Apparently, before Ethan/Aiden were the studly two-headed Alpha Wolf that occasionally shared a brain and a pair of pants, they were just a puny pair of Omega Wolves, who suffered regular abuse at the hands of their pack.

the bitches of the pack

That is, until one faithful day when a kindly Demon Wolf taught them to merge bodies, and become a Shrek-looking psycho killer . . .

offended shrek

Question: How did Demon Wolf know they could this?  Is there some sort of a Werewolf Handbook out there that we should know about?

stefan shrug

Has Demon Wolf been eating Twins for breakfast, the way most athletes eat Wheaties?

destroyer of worlds

Oh, and did I mention that Alpha Pack wolves have a very bad habit of murdering their trusty pet Druid Emissaries, along with the rest of their pack?

picture of the wolf

Sucks for you, Chick from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Also, now there’s a pretty good chance this Darach Thing is nothing more than an Undead Disgruntled Former Employee, which, in case you were curious, is kind of like a regular Disgruntled Former Employee . . . only smellier.

donald trump you're fired

We interrupt this Plot Exposition to bring you More Sex .  . .

mackin la

And we interrupt More Sex to bring you this Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy . . .

artwork by cora

Damn, Lydia and Straight!Wolf fogged up those windows FAST!

whats that

Oh, I’m sorry, did I say Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy?  I meant MASSIVE ASS-KICKING BY DEREK HALE.

ep 9 go derek maria-ackles

Oh, I’m sorry did I say MASSIVE ASS KICKING BY DEREK HALE?  I meant Not Particularly Impressive Attempt at an Ass Kicking By CORA HALE . . .

you die

Still girlfriend gets points for spunk, along with what is probably a concussion . . .

thwack

ouchie

 Fortunately, Ethan has the magic power of being able to “feel” when his brother is being a douchebag (which is pretty much all the time).  So, he rushes in with the rest of the Scooby Gang to stop his brother from morphing from Pathetic Loser Who Beats Up Teenage Girls into Horrible Human Being Loser Who Kills Them . . .

now im pissed

“B*tch ruined my black wife beater shirt . . . All the coolest wife beaters wear them!”

Speaking of horrible, Cora is kind of the most ungrateful wench ever.  She thanks the Scooby Gang for saving her life by telling them they suck at their job as Crime Fighters.  “All you guys do is find the bodies,” Cora quips.

BRRRRRR!  That’s COLD!

see me 2

Rudeness aside, Girlfriend’s kind of got a point . .  .  It seems like each season, the series’ Big Bad successfully murders increasingly more Casting Extras, before the Scooby Gang can finally pull their heads out of their asses long enough to stop them . . .

verbal keyboard smash

Speaking of people with their heads up their asses . . .

Afternoon Darach elight

We interrupt this Scene of Actual Character Development and Plot Significance to bring you this completely pointless Moment of Derek and English Teacher Making Out in the Middle of a Creepy Dark Tunnel . . .

dennifer

Remember how I used to say the writers should hurry up and give Derek Hale a love interest, because watching a delicious male specimen like Derek Hale hump another human being would be a MAJOR turn-on, no matter who that human being happened to be?

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Be careful what you wish for Wolfbangers . . .

Let’s add “Thinks Only With His Weiner” and “Occasionally Forgets What Show He’s On” to the ever-growing list of character flaws the writers have saddled poor Derek Hale with this season.  Shall we?

We interrupt this makeout for yet another shot of Lydia Martin Screaming . . .

lyd screams

That’s right, Wolfbangers, it looks like some other random extra has been taken.   It appears the Darach’s current target of “Guardians” is not actually “Cops,” as the Scooby Gang once thought, but . . . wait for it . . . teachers.

talk to hot english

Apparently, the Episode’s First Victim was a Teacher, Before she was a cop, which is convenient news for the storyline, but really sucky news for her . . .

As promised, Isaac and Allison track the new body to yet another abandoned warehouse.  (Sidenote: Beacon Hills apparently contains even more Abandoned Warehouses than it does werewolves and random assorted supernatural creatures.  They should put THAT in the brochure . . .)

There, they encounter the body  . . .

the body

the Darach .  . .

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

. . . and Allison’s dad, who, SURPRISE, isn’t a Serial Killer After All!  Huzzah!

cool dad

Truth be told, Allison’s Pops looks mighty sexy, as he came out of the shadows guns blazing to attach the evil Darach . . .

argent chris

DILF . . .

And yet, considering the guy is supposedly this FABULOUSLY Talented Hunter, you’d think he’d be better at conserving bullets . . . or at least, actually hitting the target at which he was shooting . . .

machine_gun_cat

Darach: 1, Papa Argent: 0

It looks like everybody’s favorite Druid is going to have to Die Another Day . . .

Speaking of dying . . .

Dying to Be Heard

At least as far as TV Parents go, Papa Stilinski is typically beyond reproach, working hard every day to support his son financially and emotionally, while keeping him (mostly) safe from the evils that seem to lurk around Beacon Hill’s every corner.  The writers even allow him to solve a crime every once in a while!

sheriff pic

This week, however, Papa S has a bit of a setback, character wise, when Stiles, after weeks of procrastination and hand-wringing, finally decides to come clean to him about the fact that the two of them are actually characters on a supernatural teen television series, despite the sheriff’s belief that he is the star of CSI: Beacon Hills.

No amount of carefully-crafted chess metaphors are going to make an average blue-collar guy like Sheriff Stilinski take this information well . . .

teen wolf chess

“You see, Allison’s the Queen.  Scott’s the King.  Danny used to be the pawn.  But now, I guess Lydia’s the pawn.  Isaac’s the Rook.  And I’m the Knight that actually gets sh*t done . . .”

Disbelief is one thing, but Papa S’s anger at Stiles for revealing this information makes the scene particularly hard to watch.

heart wrench

But wait . . . there’s hope!  Stiles has an ACTUAL WEREWOLF, on hand!  Show him your funky wolf face, Cora Hale!  Make the man a believer . . .

woozy

 . . . or just fall on the floor, and take a nap . . . whichever you prefer . . .

After taking Cora to the ER, Stiles tries again to get through to his father, who is now thoroughly fed up with his son’s “overactive imagination.”  But Stiles has one final hand to play, and it’s a doozy.

mom would have

Stiles’ mother’s untimely demise has always been an emotional lynchpin of this series.  The revelation of Stiles’ panic attacks, his belief that he somehow played a role in his mother’s death, his father’s struggles with alcoholism, all of these little peeks into the collective Stilinski family psyche have made these characters so much more complex and interesting than they otherwise would have been.  So as much as I love nerdy, jokey Stiles, Dylan O’Brien’s seamless ability to convey the character’s darker, more vulnerable side, never fails to impress me.  And we got a nice glimpse of that in this episode . . .

stiles-15

That said, Papa Stilinski and I are kind of in a fight right now . . .

No one makes my Stiles cry, without incurring my WRATH . .  .

smash 2

Speaking of people who refuse to be silenced, Mama McCall helpfully recounts to Papa Stilinski the tale of a  female patient  mauled by animals a few weeks back, who somehow managed to get an entire flock of birds to mourn her death, by committing suicide against her hospital window?

Sound familiar?

birds

There aren’t any birds at Cora Hale’s bedside though, only one very guilty-feeling big  brother . . .

guilty brother

Meanwhile, back at Beacon Hills High . . .

Concert of Horrors

You know your town suffers from way too many, untimely, unexplainable by traditional science, deaths, when you start foregoing the tradition funeral / memorial service, and start paying homage to your dearly departed by just throwing them a high school band concert, every once in a while.  You know, because nothing says “I’m sorry you were hung from your wrists and gutted like a fish,” like a bunch of sweaty 16 year olds playing a bad rendition of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” in a smelly gym . . .

memorial concert 2

Our entire Scooby Gang converges on the school that night to watch a lame concert, and protect their beloved teachers from being the Darach’s next victim.  Danny is one of the players. So lovestruck Ethan wishes him luck by giving him a breathmint, before he goes on stage . . . a gift which not only implies that the poor kid has bad breath, but also is REALLY dangerous to be sucking while you are PLAYING A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.  Hasn’t this kid already choked enough on foreign substances to last a life time?

breath mint

Source

puking danny

Though really dumb about the art of playing musical instruments, Ethan is smart enough about supernatural killers to know that something SUPER BAD is going to go down at his concert.  So, he tells Danny to find him, the minute things start to go wrong . . .  unless of course he’s under the control of the Darach at the time, and chanting in Druid . . . in which case Ethan will just see him later, Mmm-kay?

playing music

Meanwhile, in the audience, Lydia has a surprisingly sweet moment with Scott, during which she promises to find the dead body BEFORE it dies this time around.  Scott promises her that, if she does that, he will put an end to the Darach.  They hold hands and silently remind the audience that they once sucked face, back in Season 1 . . .

swear i will

hands

Source

Then, Lydia gets a text to meet Aiden, in private for a matter of “Life and Death,” which in Aiden-speak is code for “Blue Balls.”

right now

Lydia goes to meet him, around the same time Aiden complains that he lost his phone.  Ruh-ROH!

Upon hearing that telltale chanting once again, Lydia finds herself face-to-face with the ever elusive Darach, who is . . .

Because Every Woman Who F*&ks Derek Hale Turns Out to be Dead or Evil (sometimes both)

DEREK’S F*&K BUDDY MAGIC COOCHIE THE ENGLISH TEACHER!  SURPRISE!  Not surprised

evil english

This reveal reminds me of the time, back early in the season, when a disgruntled Sterek fan wrote publicly to Jeff Davis, about how much she hated the Dennifer pairing, a ship that seemed to come literally out of nowhere, caused Derek to behave in a manner that was entirely out of character, and had about as much substance as one of those bad romance novels my grandma used to buy for $2.50 at the local Shop Rite . . .

mackin

Jeff Davis cautiously replied that he hoped the fan didn’t give up on the show, because there was more to Dennifer than met the eye . . .

Clearly, this is what he meant.  And while the Jennifer-as-Darach plot conceit mostly exonerates Davis for what appeared to be the poorest written romance in Teen Wolf history . . . (It was SUPPOSED to be SHALLOW, GUYS!  She’s EVIL!  It’s like writing Lord Voldemort as a romantic lead in Harry Potter . . .  Dude just doesn’t do hearts and flowers.)

darach

Be my Valentine?

 . . . it does present to viewers another, much larger problem, one which I like to call the “Dumbification of Derek Hale.”

torn up derek 1

The two or three of you that have actually been reading these recaps of mine since Season 1 know that Derek was MY GUY . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

(I didn’t jump onto the Stiles Bandwagon with you smarter, less shallow, viewers until somewhere around late season 1 .  . .)

He was the “Bad Boy” . . . the “Brooding, Morally Ambiguous Anti-Hero” with the dark past, who was battling his own personal demons . . . and (as all TV Bad Boys do) just really needed the good love of a nerdy TV Recapper to solve all his problems . . .

ep 5 running derek

let me love you

But as the series progressed, I learned, much to my chagrin, that Derek is not an anti-hero because he’s morally ambiguous . . .  he’s an anti-hero, because he fails miserably at heroism . . .

scary derek

Let’s face it, in the past two seasons, the writers have made Derek terrible at solving crimes, lousy at battling big bads, unskilled at choosing pack members, uninspiring as an Alpha, inexperienced as a leader, not so hot at being a big brother, and an absolutely HIDEOUS judge of character, when it comes to the women with whom he chooses to share his Little Dog . . .

ep 5 kate der

Having Derek, a guy who supposedly has SERIOUS trust issues, fall so quickly for an evil vixen like Jennifer, who most of the fans pegged as being bad news, since the day she creepily texted all her students a quote from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, does terrible, horrible, no good very bad things for a character, who was already in serious need of image rehabilitation.

hot trainer der

And I’m just not sure the writers are going to be able to put the proverbial Humpty Dumpty back together, this time around . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Lydia’s a Banshee . . .

lyd screams

naked lydd

ep 5 screaming lyd

Jennifer tells her so, in one of those frustrating scenes where the Big Bad has it’s nemesis by the claws, and then proceeds to talk for 12 minutes, rather than just . . . oh . . . I don’t know, killing her, like she promised to do in the first place.

grabbing her

“I know I was supposed to be doing something right no.  And I just can’t seem to remember what it is . . .”

(Here’s a fanfiction idea for you guys.  I think Stiles should have been the one to tell Lydia of her true nature.  I just think the reveal would have been a lot more poignant coming from him, given all the two have been through together, with respect to Lydia’s “gift.”  Start writing now! ;))

Meanwhile, back at the concert, the entire high school band becomes possessed and starts that creepy chanting, as one of the teachers, a piano teacher, quickly falls dead of Mistletoe poisoning .  . .

bad chant

dying teacher

But hey, at least Danny’s breath is super fresh!

Poor Stiles’ Dad.  He should have baby stepped into the world of Supernatural Knowledge, when Stiles gave him the chance.  Instead, in a matter of about two minutes, he (1) watches a Concert of Evil; (2) hears Lydia Banshee Scream; (3) sees Scott Wolf Out; (4) Gets kissed by a hot teacher, who turns into Lord Voldemort mid tongue lashing;

made out with darach

(5) gets staked in the stomach with a flying knife thingy; and (6) probably gets kidnapped as the Darach’s next Guardian Sacrifice, while his son watches in horror from behind a locked door, in the episode’s chilling final cliffhanger moments . . .

knifed dad

“Is it Friday yet?”

Methinks someone is going to be needing A LOT of therapy, after this all is over . . .

But hey, at least now, he knows his son is not a liar . . .

poor stilesy

Next week on Teen Wolf , Peter Hale finally comes out of retirement!  Stiles and Lydia MAKE OUT . . . and I’m sure some other stuff happens with that pesky Darach . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Nature versus Nurture – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Visionary”

derek the bluegold to blue

“I kind of always assumed it was genetic,” shrugs Stiles, when asked by Peter if he knows why some werewolves have golden eyes, and others have blue.

ep 8 funny stiles

This week on Teen Wolf, we learn that, unlike human eye color, the hue of a werewolves’ peepers is borne out of life experience.

life sucks get a helmet

In fact, much of “Visionary” deals with the theme of “Nature versus Nurture.”

born into greatness

In addition to offering up some pretty meaty back stories for Beacon Hills’ most notorious heroes and villains, this uber ambitious Teen Wolf installment also aimed tackle some of the series’ longest running mysteries, like:

Was Derek Hale always such a sour wolf?

ep 9 go derek maria-ackles

Does he know how to play any other musical instruments, apart from his washboard abs?

derek dream 1

Was Peter Hale always such a creepy stalker type (or is this a new “post death” habit he’s developed)?

looking good peter hale

Was Dead!Ennis ever capable of human speech beyond just grunting?

dying ennis

“Grrrrrrrrr .  . .”

Is Deucalion faking his blindness, or what?

the deuce

see or not

Does telling the fable about the scorpion and the frog three times in one hour make the story less annoying?

2 16 damon says stop talking

And yet, as informative as this season of Teen Wolf has been, I fear there are some questions about this show to which we might never learn the answers.  For example:

What the f*&k is up with the Teen Wolf timeline?

how old

Are Derek and Peter Hale secretly older than the Salvatore Brothers on TVD?

as young as

If werewolves age more slowly than normal humans, how come they are the only characters in flashbacks that consistently get older, while the human adults always look the same?

chris argent

sheriff thinksession

funny face grandpa

Frustrating, isn’t it?

verbal keyboard smash

Anyway .  . . onward, to the RECAP!

[As always, special thanks to our resident recapping genius, Andre, who I know would totally be kind enough to squeeze my hand and take all my pain away, if I ever started drooling black goo .  . .]

About a Girl

For a good looking guy, Derek Hale sure has SH*TTY luck with the ladies . . .

hot derek

Up until this point, we’ve all assumed that it was saucy sociopath Kate Argent, who converted Derek into the cliched Lone Wolf, by seducing him, and then summarily proceeding to BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE, AND KILL EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED . . .

ep 5 kate der

As it turns out, Derek’s experience with Kate only further cemented his belief that love sucks, and almost always ends in horrific untimely death . . .

ep 12 dead kate

Meet Paige.  She plays the oboe(?), and wears Mom Jeans.

oboe

mom jeans

staring at

She’s also about to ruin Derek for women for all eternity . . .

torn up derek 1

(Well .  . . at least women, who don’t have magic coochies .  . .)

talk to hot english

When Paige who almost looks too much like Miss Magic Coochie for it to be a mere coincidence accuses young Derek of interrupting her “Band Practice” . . .

basketball in gym

. . . he proceeds to shove his balls in her face . . .

balls in face

. . . well . . . more like one ball, actually.

eye roll

Derek Hale – DE-NIED!

blue balls

Round Two of the Mating Game:  Paige offers to tell Derek her name, if he can play her a musical instrument.  Derek’s choice?

plays triangle

(Personally, I think the drums would have been a more manly selection.  But the triangle wins on snark value, as it is pretty much the most useless musical instrument ever invented . . . No offense to all you Concert Trianglists out there . . .)

hate you

mackin time

kiddy kisses

Thank you for playing the Mating Game, Derek and Paige!  You may now proceed to grope and fondle one another in dark, creepy abandoned places, where teens like you tend to get killed in horror movies . . .

its perfectly safe

“Come grope me in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house.  It’s totally safe!”

making out in caves

you love me dreams lost in water

Speaking of killers, this episode marks the return of Young!Peter, a character wh0 heretofore only existed in Lydia’s wacky hallucinations . . .

lose something

staring at you

What’s interesting about this portion of the episode is that Derek’s flashback is told entirely from the point-of-view of Peter, even though Peter seems to have NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THIS STORY.

chillin pete

“I’m just cool like that.”

So, basically, we get to watch a bunch of scenes with Derek and Paige, during which Peter is inexplicably lurking in the background, doing absolutely nothing of importance . . .

lurking pete

stalker

lurking 1

lurking 2

In other words, it’s kind of like what happens in every episode of this season . .  .

peter says hi luceateis - Copy

Some fans have speculated that this is because Peter is lying to Cora and Stiles.  And that HE and not Derek was the true heartbroken lothario in this story.

perfect combinations

He’s even shown to have golden (and not blue) eyes himself, when the story begins . . .

peter with golden eyes

But what would Peter gain by lying about something as seemingly unrelated to the main narrative as this?

stefan shrug

Since we are on the subject of Peter, it’s important to note that his presence in the story is our first shred of evidence that all is not what it seems, when it comes to werewolf aging.

what century

After all, in present day, Peter appears to be a good six to seven years older than Derek, whereas in the flashbacks, he looks to be only a year or two older tops . . .

no one will ban

To further complicate things, Flashback!Derek makes a comment that Peter isn’t supposed to be on school grounds.  Since we already know from previous episodes that the latter graduated from Beacon Hills as a basketball star, this little tidbit of information would seem to suggest that Peter IS much older than Derek, and DID graduate about six or seven years earlier than him, but still LOOKS the same as he did in high school.

basketball

Speaking of playing basketball . . .is it a mere coincidence that both Peter and his nephew excelled in the sport?  Or is this yet another hint that Derek’s “Doomed Love Story” with Paige was actually Peter’s own?

He’s also a tad pathetic for continuing to hang out with high school kids, despite being well into his mid twenties . . .

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Then again, the same could be said about Derek and Peter, in present day . . .

Anywhoo, if we are to believe Peter’s narrative, even though he is the first to plant the seeds in Derek’s head that he must turn Paige into a werewolf, or risk losing her forever . . .

turn her

bite is a gift

So is herpes, buddy . . .

 . . .  it’s ultimately Derek who arranges for Ennis to attack Paige at school, and give her “The Bite.”  (Of course, this so-called agreement between Ennis and Derek happens off-screen.  So, we can’t be too sure.)

2 16 lie

So, a bite is exactly what Paige gets.

stranger danger

magic eraser

Talk about someone who should be banned from school grounds.

pedo

playing hard to get

“I love it when girls play hard to get.”

gotcha en

“Hey there, Little Girl.  Ever had a hickey from a Big Bad Wolf?”

And then she BITES THE DUST . . .

sterek comfort

“I am the Angel of Death.”

hand grasping

smush

But not before a heartbreakingly agonizing scene during which she tells Derek she pretty much knew exactly what he was, and loved him anyway . . . thereby making this whole biting thing completely unnecessary.

know who you are

She could have lived, DAMMIT!

draco malfoy facepalm

Let that be a lesson to YOU, people who like to hire strange men to bite their significant others .  .  .

naughty naughty

Paige then, more or less, asks Derek to kill her fast, because she is unable to cope with the pain of the slow, painful death of her body rejecting the bite . . .

he killed her

So, Derek gives Paige the “Hug of Death,” which I assume breaks her spine.

And that’s how Derek Hale first became a murderer, or more accurately a mercy killer.  He saw an animal in a lethal amount of pain.  And he put that animal to sleep . . .  kind of like a veterinarian . . .

the vet ac

That was cold.”

Of course, like I said, most veterinarians don’t hire grunting gorilla types to bite people’s pets, and make them die .  . . no matter how much that would help their business to thrive . . . at least I hope not.  Almost immediately after “killing” Paige, Derek gets a shiny new pair of colored contacts . . .

derek the blue

mommy

“Worry not, Sonny Boy.  I still love your murderous ass.  Too bad I’m about to suffer a horrible death, like every other woman in your life . .  .”

Peter tells Cora and Stiles that wolves’ eyes turn from gold to blue, after they take an innocent human life.  (As a blue-eyed person myself, I find this highly offensive and “color-ist”)

listening to story 2 three

“I’m not a colorist.  Some of my best friends have blue eyes!”

It also poses more questions than it answers.  Jackson’s eyes turned blue, when he became a wolf, presumably because of all the people Matt had him kill as a kanaima . . . most of whom did little more wrong than attend a party where a little boy fell in the pool and almost drowned.  Sure, laughing at a drowning kid is mean, but it doesn’t make a person sufficiently “not innocent” to deserve untimely death . . .

blue eyes

On the other hand, Jackson only killed while under the control of Matt, and arguably should not be “blue,” for actions over which he had no autonomy.

matt and ma

kanima tatt

too soon haha - Copy

The case of Peter, who’s beta form also includes blue eyes, is even more intriguing.  Peter killed a crap load of people as the Alpha in season 1.  However, each of those people played a significant role in the fire that killed his family.  And therefore, arguably none of them were “innocent,” like Paige.

peter pan

Perhaps, Peter secured his blue-eyed beta form when he killed Laura Hale to become an Alpha. . .

crying chick

teen wolf chewed body

But was Laura Hale, herself truly innocent?

At the time we first heard about her, we all assumed that Laura inherited her title of Alpha, when her shapeshifting mother Talia (who we now know was Alpha prior to Laura) died in the Hale family fire.

But according to “Ye Olde Wise Hale Family Guide” Deaton (with the exception of Special Snowflake Scott) Alphas only become Alphas by killing their predecessors.  So, did Laura kill Talia?  And, if so, under what circumstances?  Had she euthanized her mother due to injuries she sustained in the fire?  Or was the murder something a bit more malicious?

wachu talking about deuchy

“Whatchu talkin about recapper?”

I found it noteworthy that Laura Hale appeared nowhere in this flashback, despite her presumably being around the same age as Peter and Derek at the time all this “Paige Stuff” was going down . . .

dont understand

Have I confused you enough yet?

awww stilesy

Here’s another question?  What happens to a pack whose Alpha dies for reasons entirely unrelated to homicide?  Do they just wander the Earth Alpha-less?  Because that seems like a pretty piss poor way to run a species . . .

wolfy adrixu00

“Will YOU be my Alpha?”

Upon determining that Sassy Uncle Peter is full of sh*t, Stiles decides to go to the source, and ask Derek himself, what really happened between him and Paige.  So, maybe we’ll get some answers from him.

sterek next to eachother

“So, do you wanna talk about it?”

“NO!”

“All righty then . . .”

But somehow I doubt it.  Derek has never exactly been the eloquent type .  . .

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

This is your brain.

walking with brain

This is your brain on Teen Wolf . . .

squish

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Flashback Land . . .

Beware the EYES of March . . .

Peter Hale isn’t the only Teen Wolf villain doling out bedtime stories.

drooly

In exchange for some magical hand fondles from Scott, that sexy Drooler of Shoe Polish, Gerard Argent decides to tell Scott and Allison the story of how Deucalion first lost his sight . . .

hand shake

this hurts me worse

“This feels kind of like an orgasm . . . only really, really sh*tty.”

It all starts when Ennis . . .  yes THAT Ennis . . . loses a member of his pack, presumably after that member is killed and cut in half by Gerard himself.

soon to be dead

blah

“So much for being the first talking Asian wolf on this show . . .”

If we are to believe Gerard’s story, before they became the Alpha Pack, Ennis’s Pack, Kali’s Pack, and Deucalion’s Pack all live in the vicinity of Beacon Hills.

damn you ennis

*lots of hot extras, who we will unfortunately never see again*

the douche

For example, I’m really liking the guy to the left of the douche who ultimately tried to kill Deucalion . . .

(Also if we are to believe Gerard’s story, the Argent family lived in Beacon Hills long before they supposedly “moved in to town” during the episode pilot.)

teen wolf hunters

Commence retcon immediately . . .

Ennis somehow arranges for all the packs to convene in Beacon Hills to discuss the “Hunter Situation.”  Specifically, he wants to meet with Derek’s mom, because she’s a naked chick, with the power to turn into a “Real Wolf,” as opposed to those bizarre wolf-headed man things into which everyone else on the show turns.

pissed ennis

full happy wolf

Happiest wolf ever . . .

nakey lady

Happiest Wolf Ever after a good shaving . . .

But then, of course, once everyone arrives at the meeting, Sneaky Ennis decides to engage in some graffiti.

cave painting ennis

Apparently, doing this makes everyone in the room wolf-bound to help him in his plan to get vengeance on the hunters.

this guy sucks

BETA 1: “Dammit, I knew I should have gone to the bathroom.  Now, I’m stuck on this stupid Revenge Death Mission . . .”

BETA 2: “Ennis is an ass.  He’s the kind of guy who would kill his own pack, just to gain their powers.  We are so lucky we have a nice, level-headed Alpha like Kali leading us.  She’d never do something awful like that.”

KALI: “Whistles.”

Long story short, pretty much everything bad that’s ever happened in this series is Ennis’ fault . . .  No wonder they decided to squash his head like a melon . . .

melon head cat

Gerard and the wolf pack ultimately arrange a “peaceable” meeting, and, from Gerard’s telling, the wolves turn on him, as is their “nature.”

meeting

There goes that pesky Scorpion / Frog story again   . . .

However, as viewers, we have the benefit of SEEING flashbacks.  So, we know that Gerard is full of crap, and lashed out against the wolves first, by gassing them with wolfsbane . . .

gassy

“I swear I thought it was the air conditioner . . .”

lots of gas

“All right, which one of you wolves farted?”

 . . . and then wacking them on the noggin with this weird club thingy that makes him look like a REAALLLLLLY OLD version of Bam-Bam on the Flintstones . . .

bam bam

bam bam bam

better bam bam

Of course, it’s Gerard who ultimately blinds Deucalion . . .

boing

“Care for some Lasik Surgery?”

its electrifying

electrifying

oh my eyes

“I knew I should have just stuck with contacts . . .”

 . . . but not ALL of him  . . . as one ill-fated power hungry beta soon learns, when he tries to use Deucalion’s newfound blindness as an opportunity to take control of his pack . . .

you are done

“I’m not being beta to a blind wolf again.  They are always making me walk into walls.”

deucalieyes

“See ya in hell, Douchebag!”

You see, Deucalion may be blind as a human, but as a wolf, he still has his full sight.  (And that, my dear Wolfbangers, was the first part of this story that actually made sense to me.)

nodding oh yeah

Nice knowing ya, Guy Who Strangely Resembles Marcel from The Originals.  See ya next lifetime . . . when you become a vampire in New Orleans.

how you like me now

So, now we know Deucalion wasn’t always such a douchebag.  In fact, he probably would have ended up being a nice, peace loving Alpha, with a penchant for old man sweaters straight out of This Guy’s closet . . . .

better mr. rogers sweater

mr-rogers

“Won’t you be my beta?”

 . . . were it not for Ennis and his cave paintings . . .  He also, apparently, wouldn’t have had that accent.  (Because I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it in the flashbacks.)  Because suffering and loss have the power to make you British . . . who knew?

demon wolf

Like Stiles and Cora, Allison and Scott also happen to think their bedtime storyteller is full of crap . . .

dont believe you

“Why should I believe you when sh*t LITERALLY comes out of your mouth, every time you speak?”

But to really learn the truth about what happened back then, Allison and Scott will probably have to ask Deucalion himself

destroyer of worlds

. . .  which seems like a monumentally BAAAAD idea . . .

Speaking of Bad Ideas, guess who has decided to take up cave painting?

revenge

remembering

no no on

Silly Sour Wolf!  Revenge Plots are for people who want to end up with their heads squashed . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf, we finally get to learn what Lydia is probably a banshee, and the true identity of the darach probably Magic Coochie.

darach

Also  . . . SHIRTLESS ALPHA DANCING!

shirtless male review

more shirtless male review

(It’s like Magic Mike . . . only hairier)

magic mike

Annnnnd here’s the trailer(s) . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

stiles with wolf hat

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever 2 – I SELL TEEN WOLF SHIRTS HERE!]

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Sacrificial Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Currents”

awkward death

“Well this is awkward . . .”

One of the downsides of being a lead protagonist on a supernatural series is that the mere act of being your friend, relative, lover,  or random acquaintance literally causes people to DIE.  Elena Gilbert, Buffy Summers, Sam and Dean Winchester, Sookie Stackhouse, the folks from Being Human, Arya Stark . . . these folks actually share very little in common with one another, apart from the impenetrable cloud of death that follows them wherever they go . . .

the effing angel of death

Unfortunately, the same goes for Scott McCall and Derek Hale, both of whose friendships are not unlike some venereal diseases . . . incredibly painful and deadly, if not properly treated.

going to die

All of this is basically my long-winded way of saying, R.I.P. Vernon Boyd.  If only you had been wearing protection . . . like a bullet proof vest, or a body condom . . .

condom 2

Thank goodness, Stiles already has one of those . . .

condom 3

But if I were Isaac, I’d probably be wearing this over my clothes every week .  . .

Immortals-2011-daniel-sharman-31573654-534-800

Is that a toilet plunger he’s holding?

This week, on Teen Wolf we learned all about currents . . .

the current

 .  . . and why, no matter how badly you want to be kissed on Christmas, it’s a bad idea to eat Mistletoe . . .

puking danny

 . . . also this week on Teen Wolf, I was reminded why I’m petrified of moths . . .

lots of moths

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always special thanks to my amazing screencapper Andre, to whom I would absolutely lend my body condom (never used . . . don’t worry), if I thought, for a second, that being my friend was harmful to his health . . .)

It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp Nurse . . .

Mama McCall is having a rough night.

having a bad day

sad mom

It’s as if she went to bed a supporting character on Teen Wolf, and woke up the star of Grey’s Anatomy . . .

ep 10 yay mom

“Doctor McDreamy is so steamy!”

McDreamy

 .  . . which would be great for a swinging single lady like Mama McCall, except for one small problem . . .ALL THE HOT DOCTORS ARE EITHER DEAD . . .

dead guy on floor

 . . . or out catching butterflies . . . with their mouths . . .

eating the moth

“Nom-nom.   Got one!”

Talk about warped priorities!  Then again, what do you expect from a woman stupid enough to pick up a hitchhiker who looks like THIS . . .

hitchhiking no no

“Could I possibly trouble you to drop me off at the Gates of Hell?”

(I guess they don’t teach you about Stranger Danger in Med School.)

Meanwhile, back in the hospital, Scott takes away some lady’s pain, just by fondling her boob wrist.

touch me

veiny hand

I thought he was only able to do that with puppies!

Then, because everybody needs a little Christmas (right this very minute), Ethan carries Danny into the hospital.  And the latter proceeds to vomit SO MUCH Mistletoe (definitely an entire wreath’s worth) all over the hospital floor . . .

puking danny

mistletoe kisses

Ethan must eat poison mistletoe all the time, because he knew exactly what it was the minute Danny spewed . . .

you rock

“My boyfriend is a total lightweight . . .”

(It kind of reminds me of that time, back in fourth grade science class, when I had to dissect pellets of owl vomit, and determine, based on the types of bones I was pulling out, what the bulimic bird had for breakfast.  I wish I was kidding about this . . .)

stiles grossed out

I’m just trying to figure out how the Darach managed to get Danny to eat all that plantlife, without him even knowing what he was consuming.  Of course, I have my theories . . .

mistletoe weiner

Christmas weenie?

(Speaking of kissing, if we are to believe what Ethan told Scott this week, now that the Alpha Twins know that Scott doesn’t give two craps about Danny, the “love” between this computer hacking, musical instrument-playing, science nerd / former best friend of Jackson and the Gay Alpha Twin could actually be 100% legit.  And they say romance is dead!)

i promise

cuddles dan eth

From Showmance to Romance . . .

When Danny stops breathing, due to an allergic reaction to the mistletoe, Mama McCall saves him by stabbing his chest with a syringe, to allow air his escape his lungs.  I was impressed to learn that the medical science presented in this scene was actually real . . . at least the part about the deflated lung, and the syringe.  I’m not really sure about the whole “Mistletoe Thing.”

Mama McCall is hero!  (Though, in hindsight, wouldn’t it have been easier for Scott the Messiah to just fondlle Danny’s chest a little bit, like he did with that lady?)

in pain

“Now you tell me?”

Speaking of ladies in pain,  did you ever hear the expression, “You are what you eat?”  Because apparently, that doctor chick from earlier in the episode turned into a moth, which made driving her car highly inconvenient . . .

found moth

Driving Ms. Mothy . . .

I’m just kidding, of course.  Moth eating lady, and that Other Doctor are both taken (and ultimately killed) by the EEEEEVVVVIIIIIL DARACH.  I just happen to think transforming the doctor into a bug would have been much funnier, than hanging her from the ceiling (like MISTLETOE!) and murdering her off-screen . . . DARACH FAIL!

voldemort

“I get no respect.”

Window Dressing

Speaking of fails, Kali the Werewolf may be tops, when it comes to grabbing foreign objects with her toes, and murdering people.  But when it comes to Threats Disguised as Window Art, she’s kind of one-note.

tagging

kali

“I think it’s beautiful.”

If I were her, I’d probably go for something a bit more personal, like “KALI & ENNIS 4 EVA.”

dying ennis

Rest in Peace guy who had no lines the entire season (and who eventually had his face squashed like a rotten melon).

Speaking of window dressing, how adorable were Scott and Isaac, when they kept bedside vigil by Mama McCall’s bedside, so she wouldn’t be kidnapped by Lord Voldemort and his band of Evil Moth-Loving Tree People?

sleepy mommy

So what if they ended up being the Worst Bodyguards EVER?  It’s the thought that counts, right?

woah shes up

“We were just resting our eyes.  We promise.”

mom wakes up

“I don’t remember anyone telling me this kid moved into our house.”

In other window dressing news, I know Deaton’s a vet, and loves animals, and all.  But his idea of curtains leaves much to be desired . . .

window treatment

“I wanted my drapes to match my carpet.”

Upon seeing the moths hanging out outside his window, Deaton calls Scott, and tells the werewolf he’s about to require a rescue.

calling you

“Is this 1-900-KILLDARACH?”

can you hear me now

“I can’t talk right now.  My English teacher keeps texting me about not taking calls during class.”

I thought this was particularly insightful on Deaton’s part.  I mean, if I saw moths outside my window like that, I’d probably just call the exterminator.  Or, more likely, I’d tell whoever was in the house with me at the time to go kill them, while I cowered in the corner with my hands over my eyes.  Yeah, I’m THAT Girl  . . .

I hope you have flood insurance . . .

I’m not exactly sure how much time passed between the events of “Motel California” and those of “Currents.”  But I did find it odd that Boyd and Isaac never said boo to Derek about how he more or less faked his own death, devastating the pack, while he hid out in a hole boning the English Teacher . . .

thank you for being a live

“You are pretty much the worst packmaster ever.  But we still heart you.”

I also find it strange that Derek seemingly had no problem with flooding his whole apartment, just so that MAYBE he could electrocute one barefoot wolf lady.

sounds like a terrible idea

“Your idea is kind of terrible, to be honest.”

Granted the guy has no furniture in his apartment, apart from  . .  . sometimes a table.  So, it’s not like there was much property to be damaged.  But still . . .

P.S.  Where is Peter during all this?

smirky peter

“You people are idiots.”

Sassy Uncle Pete would have totally talked some sense into this crew, if he were here.  Maybe Boyd would even still be alive!

Daddy Daycare

Stiles, I know things are tough for you right now.  But its high time you came out to your dad about how pretty much all your friends are werewolves, and your future girlfriend is most likely a banshee  . . .

it gets better

Like they say in those commercials . . . “It gets better.”

Speaking of getting better, Team Parents was a roll this week.  Not only did Mama McCall save Danny’s life, and manage to make it through the entire hour without getting eaten by moths, she also, along with Sheriff Stilinski, pretty much solved the entire mystery of the episode.  The nurse and the sheriff basically took on the roles typically embodied by Stiles and Lydia on this show.  Like Stiles before her, Mama McCall was responsible for determining the way in which the Darach murdered the “healers.”  (Asphyxiation by hanging).  As for Sheriff Stilinski, he not only ended up being the first on the scene, when Scott’s father figure Deaton first went missing, he was also, ultimately, the one who ended up saving his life.  (More on that later of course . . .)

whos your daddy

Speaking of smart cookie characters over the age of 30 (a rarity in teen TV), Papa Argent also played a part in solving this week’s mystery, which I’ll get to in just a bit . . .

Knock, Knock . . . (Who’s there?)

Meanwhile, back at school, Lydia is getting laid by Aidan again.

humping

“He still hasn’t learned where to put his hands.”

(What’s with these two hooking up in classrooms all the time?  Why can’t they do it in the car, or their parents’ basement like normal teenagers?  Then again, I’m not even sure the Alpha Twins have parents.  Perhaps, they used to have them, but they ate them . . .)

let me out

“Son, have you done your homework?”

Someone pulls the fire alarm at this point.  But no one really seems to go outside . . .

stefan shrug

Then, Cora appears out of nowhere, which I guess means she pulled the fire alarm?  That reminds me, does Cora even go to school?  I hope so, because I’d hate to see what kind of education one would get by being home-schooled by Derek Hale . . .

threatened

Cora tells Lydia that Derek doesn’t want her to date Aidan anymore.  Derek’s sudden concern for Lydia is pretty adorable, especially considering that the only real interaction these two have had with one another was that time that Lydia blew wolfsbane in Derek’s face, and brought his “evil” uncle back from the dead, who she sort-of / kind-of made out with once . . .

glitter blow

Not exactly a match made in Heaven when it comes to these two . . .

Now that I think about it, having dated both Kanaima Jackson, (almost, but not really) Peter, and now Aidan, Lydia has swapped spit with nearly every season’s Big Bad.  Who’s next?  Deucalion?

demon wolf

The Darach?

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

Hey, at least if Lydia started making out with Gerard, he’d finally get some of that black crap out of his mouth . . .

mountain ash

Anywhoo, on Deaton’s sister, Ms. Morell’s advice, Stiles and Cora decide to “inspire” Lydia to find where the Darach is hiding by playing with Ouiji Boards and letting her draw stuff . . .

no no on

Silly Stiles!  Haven’t you figured out by now that Lydia can only “communicate” psychically with the dead, and Vet Deaton is still alive?

verbal keyboard smash

I was also kind of surprised that Stiles didn’t recognize that, by drawing a tree, Lydia might actually have been communicating with the Darach, after all.  Wasn’t he the one who translated the word Darach to mean “dark oak?”

draw a tree

“It’s like the writers forgot you were smart?”

I fear that perpetual virginity is starting to eat away at Stiles’ brain.  It’s time to fix that problem.  I’m looking at you, Lydia . . .

sex me now

Elsewhere in school, Scott hears the annoying sound of a tapping cane.  Sigh . . .  am I the only one who thinks this Big Bad needs a new prop?  The blind jokes are getting kind of old . . .

deucalion in elevator

Choose your adventure . . .

In yet another abandoned classroom, Deucalion commandeers Scott for a game of “Cane Keepaway,” which, from the looks of it, is kind of like Monkey in the Middle . . . only for blind people . . . with no friends . . .

the deuce

After that fun is over, Deucalion helpfully tells Scott that he can find is little Vet friend by “following the currents.”  The only problem is, if he does that, Derek will probably die, because Kali will kill him . . .Choices .  . . choices . . .

Is that a boner in your pocket or . . . is that a boner in your pocket?

Unable to decide between saving the boss who pays him minimum wage, and the hot guy who always lets him down, Scott heads on over to Allison’s apartment.  Because while Big Scott can’t even decide whether he wants cereal or pancakes for breakfast, Little Scott always seems to know exactly what he wants . . .

boner in frontboner in back

is that a boner

Now, admittedly, I’ve never exactly been a Scott and Allison fan.  That said, I absolutely ADORE Allison and Little Scott.  Check out how much chemistry these two have with one another in the closet?

In fact, with the exception of Stiles’ Weiner, Scott’s Weiner might very well be my favorite character on this show . . .

hot dog costume

After their close encounters of the closet kind, Scott and Allison head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they learn that the now-out-of-retirement werewolf hunter, has not only been closely mapping the Darach kidnappings and murders, he’s also been predicting where subsequent ones will take place!

showing the light

I told you Team Parents took home a win, this week . . .

I dream of Stilinski

Speaking of winning, my favorite scene in the entire episode was the one where Stiles visits Danny in the hospital, and tries to convince the latter, he’s dreaming, so he can snoop in peace . . .

dreaming

looking in your bag

shh go sleepy

*whistles a lullaby*

Stiles correctly assumes that the Darach poisoned but didn’t kill Danny, in order to prevent the latter from important information about the other sacrifices.  Lo and behold, Stiles finds a term paper in Danny’s bag about . . . wait for it  . . . currents.

Did someone say “Currents”?  (That’s the title of this episode!)

There goes Teen Wolf trying to make us learn again . . .

ephemeral

Upon comparing Chris Argent’s Murder Map of Beacon Hills with the one from Danny’s research paper, the Scooby Gang discovers that all of the kidnappings, murders and body discoveries each took place at specific places in town where electrical currents were most powerful.  The explanation actually reminded me a bit of the whole “expression triangle” bit the writers used on TVD this past year.

location found

That said, I give the writers of Teen Wolf a bit more credit for actually basing all the supernatural occurrences that take place in the fictional town of Beacon Hills on something resembling actual scientific principle.

Also . . . they didn’t call it a ridiculous name like “expression triangle.”

taking the heart bonniegraham

It’s actually Cora who takes the final logic leap to determine that the Darach is most likely holding Deaton in the same vault where she and Boyd had been held captive at the beginning of the season.

skeptical cora

(Congratulations Cora!  When it comes to intelligence, you might just take more after your Sassy Sociopathic Uncle Peter  than your pretty, and very good at punching things, but not particularly bright, brother Derek.)

And so the group decides to split up, with Scott heading to the vault to save Deaton, while the rest of the crew head to Chez Derek, upon learning that Boyd’s plan to electrocute Kali by flooding Derek’s apartment ended up being . . . wait for it . . . all wet.

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Even Magic Coochie can’t save you now . . .

In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Kali  kidnaps Miss Magic Coochie, herself, and drags her to Derek’s apartment, in hopes of getting him to toe the line and join her Big Bad Alpha Pack.

got your coochie

“Got your coochie!”

Derek looks forlornly at Magic Coochie, hoping that she will help get them out of this mess.  Unfortunately, the Magic Coochie remains powerless unless her pants are down . . .

better got your coochie

“Coochie, coochie coo?”

And so, as they do every episode, Derek’s pack, and the Alpha pack begin beating one another up in a warehouse like space . . . only this time, due to the flood in the apartment, the fighting looks more like water aerobics than anything else .  . .

water aerobics

Speaking of aerobics . . .

Scott shows off his talent for miming .  . .

OK .  . . OK . . . I get that it is supposed to be this “Huge Triumphant Moment,” when Scott finally realizes what most fans figured out in week 1 . . . that this Special Snowflake would somehow manage to become an Alpha, without putting in the hard work, and/or coping with the mental anguish of ACTUALLY KILLING SOMEONE.

red eyes

I just wish the moment of realization was . . . oh I don’t know . . . A LOT COOLER?

Think about it, Scott spent his Big Red Eye Alpha Day making constipated facial expressions and knocking up against an INVISIBLE WALL.

pushing the wall

miming

constipated look wall

mime

“I’m in a box.”

He couldn’t even save Deaton!  HUMAN Sheriff Stilinski had to do it for him, using something as common place as a gun to shoot down the ropes from which  the vet was suspended.

hanging deaton

bang

shot down

“That was easy.”

Superhero Origin stories are supposed to be epic.  Everyone remembers the first time Spiderman threw a web from his hand, and climbed up a skyscraper.  As kids, we ooohed and aahed to see Superman Fly “faster than a speeding bullet.”  We all wanted to ride in the Batmobile with Batman, smash a building with The Hulk, wield a hefty hammer like Thor . . .

smash 2

I understand that Scott’s “Magic Power” comes from him being such a “nice guy.”  I just kind of wish he was a “nice guy,” with the ability to do cool sh*t, like say manipulating electric currents with his bare hands . . .

trust scott

It would make Big Bad’s like Deucalion’s interest in him make a lot more sense . . .  Just sayin . . .

Bad Vibrations

electrifying

Good news: the Scooby Gang managed to turn back on the power in Derek’s house!

electrocuted better

draco malfoy facepalm

Bad news: they totally electrocuted the wrong people!

Worse news, the Alpha Pack took this electric opportunity to stake Boyd using Derek’s OWN claws as a weapon.  Talk about traumatic!

sad boyd

Quick, Boyd’s hurt!  Someone bring over the Magic Coochie!  Seriously, if anyone needs to get laid on this show, it’s Boyd . . . possibly even more than Stiles.  At least Stiles can SMILE sometimes through his virginity.  Poor Boyd has always been a perpetual sourwolf.  And now it looks like he will be a sourwolf for all eternity . . .

All kidding aside, as tragic (and arguably useless) as Boyd’s death was, the scene was exceptionally done.  Everything from the brief flashback of Erika going down swinging . . . to Boyd’s final words . . . to the poetic use of the concept of a lunar eclipse as strength in death . . . to the quiet way Derek allowed Stiles to comfort him, when his entire life seemed to be going to Hell in a Handbasket . . . was beautifully shot and painstakingly directed.

erika rising to the occasion

erika dying

sterek comfort

As much as I tease the writers of this show sometimes, it’s moments like these that remind us why we, as fans, keep coming back, week after week to watch .  . .  which, of course, brings me to . . .

A Spoilery Sneak Peek into Teen Wolf’s Future . .

Normally, at this point in the recap, I offer you a link to next week’s trailer.  But this week, I was much more intrigued by the SUPER SPOILERY Comic Con trailer.  So, I’m going to post IT instead . . .  (Warning:  While I’ve never been a TV fan who shies away from spoilers,  this particular trailer gives away SOOO much information, that I would advise anyone who is even the slightest bit spoilerphobic not to view it.)

3 10 go away crazzyfruit

This is the part of my recap, when I give spoilerphobes a chance to click away from this website . . .

Are they gone yet?

gone looked big

OK  . . . for the rest of you, please enjoy the trailer, which, if you watch carefully, provides you with, not only the true identity of the DARACH (or at least one of it’s key henchmen), but also a MAJOR MAKEOUT SCENE, featuring one of the series’ most popular will they/won’t they couples . . .

In other news from Comic Con, apparently next season of Teen Wolf will feature a kitsune, the very same supernatural creature, whose television debut Andre and I have been rooting for, for about two years now.

kitsune

(Jeff Davis referred to it as a “Japanese shapeshifter,” but we know better . . .)

Annnnnd, that’s all she wrote, Wolfbangers!  Please feel free to drop me a line in the comments regarding your thoughts on “Currents,” “Comic Con,” “the Darach,” and kitsunes . . .

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

It’s like . . . ephemeral – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Tattoo”

ephemeral

Source

ihopenotsporadically

“See you soon! I hope not sporadically.”

ihopenotsporadically2

Word-of-the-Day Calendars . . . Helping Dumb People pretend to be smart since 1995 . . .

Scott McCall has turned over a new leaf, this year. He no longer spends every waking moment thinking about his girlfriend, Allison. Instead, he spends every waking moment thinking about how Allison is no longer his girlfriend.

busted salison

He’s got a brand new ride . . .

yamaha-motorcycle-0061

Hey may or may not be able to FLY . . .

flying posey

He still wakes up early to do pull-ups on that random bar in his bedroom, every morning. But now, he does it one-handed . . . WHILE READING BOOKS . . . REAL ONES!

call of wild

It’s a new school year, Wolfbangers . . . and a new season . . . a time when everybody — characters, cast members, and staff writers — get to start fresh, with a clean slate and a positive can-do attitude. Together, they vow to be better than they were the year before. And some of those changes really do stick! The rest, unfortunately, are destined to be . . . wait for it . . . ephemeral.

teen wolf 12 eye roll

But that’s later. Let’s focus on now . . . when everything in Beacon Hills is just perfect . . .

nodding oh yeah

. . . well . . .unless you’re a deer . . . or a bird . . . or a cat . . . or that chick who tried to save Isaac’s life . . . or Isaac . . . or Boyd . . . or Erica.

omg cat

Scratch that. It’s a new school year, and everything already pretty much sucks in Beacon Hill for almost everybody . . . except for the people with the really hideous toenails. Those guys are living pretty large right now . . . On with the recap, anyway!

stiles with wolf hat

(Special thanks to my main man, Andre, for all the kickass screencaps. His generosity and talent is DEFINITELY not ephemeral . . .)

This could get ugly . . .

It’s odd to think that Isaac got the most intense action sequences of all the main characters, this week . . . especially when you consider that he spent about three quarters of the episode either completely unconscious or seriously doped up.

puppy love

Case in point . . . in the opening moments of the season, he’s nothing more than a seemingly lifeless, carved up body, being dragged along the streets. A mysterious leather-wearing teenage biker chick is doing the dragging . . . a biker chick, who just jump-started Isaac, by electrocuting his nipples. (Now, that’s not very nice!)

friday yet nipples

2 19 weird puffy pyramid nipples burytheworries

Girlfriend is uber petite. So, I’m thinking she’s probably some sort of supernatural something, to be able to so easily bear that load. She’s no wolf though . . . that’s for sure. Presumably, Not Wolf Girl hijacked Isaac from the folks who are currently chasing him . . . the ones that sliced his tummy into bacon strips . . .

2 3 bacon

. . . a process which somehow stole his memories. Memories, schmemories . . . I’m more worried about his ab muscles. Those grow back, right?

isaac wolf

Anywhoo, Not Wolf Girl tosses Isaac on the back of her motorcycle, like he’s a rag doll, and rides off into the night.

relaxing ride

Not a good time for a nap, Isaac . . .

But wait! Someone’s coming! It’s those twins who played Felicity Huffman’s kids on Desperate Housewives . . . except, now they are much buffer . . . possibly, because they stole Isaac’s ab muscles . . .

magic mike wannabe

more strippling

magic mike

The twins run much too fast to be human, which makes them instantly formidable. Unfortunately, they don’t seem too bright to me. I mean, if you are chasing someone, who is on the back of motorcycle, with the intent of re-kidnapping them, wouldn’t it make sense to . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . ACTUALLY SLAP OR GRAB THEM OFF OF THE MOTORCYCLE?

surrounded by idiots

Instead, the brothers just keep slapping the motorcycle with their hands, and occasionally keying it with their nails. It’s fun to watch. But as far as strategies go, it’s pretty lame.

We arrive inside some warehouse, where we find out, once and for all, why the Scavo Carver kids seem so lame brained . . . it’s because they only have ONE brain, between the two of them! (Not even a Word-of-the-Day calendar can help you there.)

ephemeral haha

In what was decidedly the SECOND most disturbing scene in the entire episode (I’ll get to the first, in a bit), one twin shoves his hand into the other twins back. Somehow, doing this causes them to become this monstrous being, that, honestly, looks more ogre than wolf. (Sorry, Shrek!)

morph

hulk

offended shrek

smash 2

Neat trick. The jokes about this one pretty much write themselves . . . My pal Andre what happens to the boys’ poor pants, when they do this? (As we know, the brothers have already helpfully taken off their shirts, like the good little teen TV show stars they already are.) I mean, I guess they rip, along with the rest of the wardrobe. But which brother gets the luxury of keeping his own crotch?

blaine crotch grab

Another thing I wondered . . . how exactly does one learn that they are capable of doing something like this? Were the two kids just sitting around, playing on their play station, when, all of the sudden, one said to the other, “Hey, wouldn’t it be neat, if I shoved my hand into the back of your spinal column and merged, bodies’ with you? Let’s try it! If you die, I’ll know not to do it so hard next time . . .”

first stabbing

But back to the show . . . Not Wolf Girl takes out this massive stun gun thingy, and blasts the werewolf version of Megatron out of the present, and into the future . . . i.e. a later point in the episode.

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electrifying

All Tatted Up . . .

In quieter news, Scott is hoping to get himself a brand new tattoo on his arm . . . of an equals sign?

tatt done

3 15 wtf can i

(Stiles is right. He definitely should have gone with a kanima tatt! Now, that would have been awesome!)

kanima tatt

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Speaking of Stiles, he’s not too big on the whole needles thing . . . bludgeoned bloody, kanima and alpha ravaged bodies . . . NO PROBLEM . . . needle pricked Scott Arms though? EW . . . that sh*t’s gross . . .

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Poor Scott. He spent all that time in the operating chair, and it turns out, his tattoo is only . . . EPHEMERAL. (You knew I was going to do it, didn’t you.)

it healed

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His super wolfy skin heels right over the damn thing. It appears Scott is going to have to find another way to show he’s “over Allison” and “bad ass,” might I suggest purchasing a teen-life crisis motorcycle?

Now you see me . . .

Later that same night, Lydia and Allison are in a car headed for a double date with NOT Scott and Stiles. And because it is with NOT Scott and Stiles, it will most certainly not be an ORGY, as Lydia helpfully reminds us . . .

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Speaking of things Lydia helpfully reminds us . . . erm . . . Jackson’s GONE. He went to the TV series Arrow “live in London,” which is television series code for, “You left us in the lurch, you bastard . . . no proper Departure Plot explanation for you!

ep 10 jackson cries

Coincidentally, Scott and Stiles are also in a car, driving home from the tatt parlor . . . and that car happens to pull up right next to Allison’s and Lydia’s at a stop light. It looks like this “double date” may end up becoming an orgy after all . . .

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Or . . . maybe not . . .

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Lydia and Allison can’t avoid Scott and Stiles forever though . . . Rabid Bambi’s Mom makes sure of that, by ramming herself right into Lydia’s front windshield. It’s touching the sacrifices our animal friends make for our ships . . .

something coming

friday yet again

bambi

Scott feels up the dead deer, and cleverly notes that it was “terrified,” moments before dying. Now, I know that’s supposed to be one of his nifty wolf powers, being able to instantly discern animal moods, by fondling their boobies. But really, I could have told you the animal was frightened, the moment I saw it FLYING INTO GLASS TOWARD ITS INEVITABLE DEATH!

duh told you so

Meanwhile, over at the hospital . . .

It’s SCOTT, DAMMIT! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW! (Even though most of you thought it was Derek or Stiles.)

The writers are mad at you, Wolfbangers! For two seasons, they have tried to beat it into your brain that SCOTT IS THE HERO OF THIS SHOW . . . SCOTT IS THE HOT ONE . . . the one you are supposed to love. And yet here you (and I) am, week after week, gabbing on about “Derek this,” and “Stiles that,” and “Sterek the other thing.”

derek dream 1

stiles-15

sterek next to eachother

And we are all “Scott who?”

trust scott

So, Teen Wolf is going to prove this character’s worth to you once and for all! Laid up in a hospital bed Not Wolf Girl is calling for an Alpha’s help. Scott’s night nurse mom, helpfully offers to snatch up Derek . . . because, honestly, what self-respecting cougar wouldn’t want to hit that?

mamas proud enter cece drake

But Not Wolf Girl shakes her head, looks directly at the camera and says, “NO, YOU BITCHES! I’M TALKING ABOUT SCOTT! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW!”

scott important

Later Mama McCall is tending to Isaac’s bacon stripped abs, which are starting to look like garden variety abs, thanks to Isaac’s presto chango bad boo boo erasing wolf powers. (SEE! THE ABS DO GROW BACK! THANK GOODNESS!) Mama McCall is wondering how she is going to explain to her fellows Grey’s Anatomy buddies, how the guy, who, just seconds ago, had a bloody, mashed potato tummy is suddenly in perfect health.

important

Isaac has the answer. He looks directly at the camera and says, “NO, YOU BITCH. GET SCOTT TO HELP! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THE SHOW!”

Well, they sure schooled us . . . Speaking of school . . .

Objects in your classroom window are closer than they appear . . .

Was I the only one that thought Lydia’s bedroom boy toy was nothing more than a figment of her imagination . . . kind of like the dead guy she spent half of last season flirting and locking lips with?

sex again

good sexx

lydia smirk

Because if he IS real, then why isn’t he going to school with Lydia? And, more importantly, where the hell are Lydia’s parents?

lydia brave tatikatelena

My mom was pretty low key, when I was in high school . . . but not SO low key that she’d let me spend the morning before my first day of junior year shacking up wanna-be Justin Bieber . . .

bieber fever

Speaking of The Biebs, at school, Lydia notes that she doesn’t want a boyfriend, but is very interested in sex with young boys . . .

fresh men

In context, it’s an acceptable comment, because “Lydia” is only 16. So, it makes perfect sense for her to have interest in 14-year old boys.

fresh boys

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But coming from an actress who is 26 . . . I have to admit it comes off sounding a little creepy . . .

In addition to all the incoming freshman, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Hot Abs are also matriculating at Beacon Hills high this year. They walk the halls in slo mo to pop music, of course . . . because, why not?

slo mo

In English class, the new teacher show’s everybody how “cool and hip,” she is, by sending the entire class a text message containing the final words from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. I’m disturbed by the fact that she had all their cell phone numbers.

heart of darkness

It’s a neat idea, in the new, “media” age. But, honestly, if girlfriend REALLY wanted to fit in, she should have texted them passages from something a bit more contemporary . . . like . . . say . . Fifty Shades of Grey?

electrifying

Scott and Allison make a plan to talk later in the day, before Scott is called out of the school on Important Werewolf Duty, because . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW . . .

Meanwhile, Stiles and Lydia discuss the recent strange behavior of the animals in Beacon Hills.

discuss 1

something coming something bad

Deer are throwing themselves into cars. Itty Bitty Purse dogs are BITING LYDIA . . .

BabyScared

. . . cats are committing suicide, as we find out later (remember when I told you the mighty morphing twins was the second most disturbing part of the episode for me, THIS WAS THE FIRST!)

suicide dont do it

It’s like that awful M. Night Shlamalamadingdong movie with Mark Wahlberg, where the trees make everyone kill themselves . . .

plastic plant

Lydia refuses to believe anything weird is going on, which is why an entire flock of birds has to fly through the school window, in order to prove her wrong!

birds

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dead bird

scary birds

Silly Lydia! You should have listened to your purse dog! The entire cast of Angry Birds had to die because of you!

angry bird

Meanwhile, back in Scottland . .

Derek Hale makes an appearance (and instantly, I forget everything they just told me about “Scott being the most important person on the show.”)

I begin to wonder about the hiring policies at the Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital, when I notice that half the staff walks around with massively untrimmed fingernails and hideously ugly bare monster feet. Now, that’s just unsanitary!

feet

ew face

One such foot fungused person puts sleepy juice in Isaac’s IV drip . . .

sleepy

dopey again

Like I said, Isaac gets to spend most of this episode in a stupor . . .

Another Unhappy Feet candidate wolfs out on Scott in the elevator, just as he’s managed to escape, with a now fully healed, but also completely unconscious Isaac. And I must say, it’s not looking too good for our hero . . .

wolf guy

Until DEREK MAGICALLY APPEARS! HUZZAH!

down boy

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I’m sorry . . . you just can’t keep trying to convince me that “Scott is the most important person on this show,” when Derek’s around being all . . . Dereky . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

Off to the hideaway, they ride . . .

Derek’s Hideaway of Hotness

Scott, Stiles, Derek and Isaac gather at Derek’s “training pad,” to discuss what most of us already knew from watching last season finale, and this season’s trailers. (1) There’s a pack of Alphas in Beacon Hills.(2) They’ve kidnapped Boyd and Erica;

missing

(3) They leave weird marks on prospective Alpha Pack joiners doors, prompting Derek to paint HIS red, in order to hide the evidence. (Should have gone with black, buddy. Red isn’t really your color.)

red door

Even though Isaac’s stomach is looking as wound free and sexy as ever, Derek rips off the younger man’s shirt and covers him with plantlife to “heal him on the inside.”

Damon eye roll

Nice try, Derek. But you can’t fool us . . .

Speaking of “hidden wounds,” Scott reveals that the reason he wanted a tattoo so badly was to reward himself for pretending not to care about being broken up with Allison . . . you know, even though he spent half the episode talking about how bummed he was about being broken up with Allison . . .

bad scott

So, Derek gamely offers to attack Scott’s arm with a blow torch . . . He says he’s doing this to allow Scott’s tattoo to reemerge from beneath his skin. But honestly, I think he’s just doing it so his bud will SHUT UP ABOUT ALLISON!

blow torch

held down

“OK, OK .. . I’ll stop talking about Allison. Just STOP TORCHING ME!”

Back at school . . .

Alls well that ends . . . not so hot . . .

Recent Hospital Escapee, Wolf Girl races through Beacon Hills High looking for Scott, while there she grabs hold of Lydia’s and Allison’s wrist, leaving a strange mark on them. (Some type of protection spell, perhaps?)

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In hindsight, she probably should have “marked” herself. Because girlfriend ends up getting attacked by the ENTIRE ALPHA PACK, we met earlier in the episode. (I guess they are still really sore about the whole Isaac’s Abs thing. Then again, maybe they are just upset, because none of them have ever had a pedicure, or used a toe nail clipper. That would make me pretty mad.)

mad girl

Interestingly enough, she manages to fight all of them off, without even using her crazy stun gun thingy . . . pretty darn impressive.

fight

“HIIIIIYAHHH!”

Except, then that Pretending to Be Blind Wolf Leader dude . . .

caned

cool guy

see or not

. . . with the cane has to come by and ruin everything, by murdering the most badass chica on the show (sorry Allison!), before we even got a chance to learn her name . . .

bloody

surprised-face

Now, that’s just bad manners . . .

Right before he does it, Pretending to be Blind Guy admits that this is all part of his MASTER PLAN to rid the world of Super Wolf Scott, by getting Hot Wolf Derek to kill him somehow . . .

ep 9 yeah shirtless derek

“WHATCHU TALKIN ABOUT RECAPPER?”

Stiles would most definitely not approve . . .

stiles sad 1

And that was “Tattoo” in a nutshell . . . Next week on Teen Wolf, Stiles FINALLY gets some nookie, and Sassy Peter Hale returns . . .

See ya then, Wolfbangers!

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