Tag Archives: Tyrion

Game of Thrones – Season 5, Episode 1 Recap “The Wars to Come”

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Game of Thrones is back, Bitches! It’s Season 5. All the major players in the race to the Iron Throne have already been introduced.   And I only had to check the Wiki ten times to confirm the names of characters, instead of my usual 27, so progress, for me, anyway!

Like most premiere GOT episodes, “The Wars to Come” was less about big battle scenes, shocking beheadings, scandalous sex, and unintentionally humorous toilet bowl murders, and more about reintroducing and reconfiguring all the human chess pieces in this increasingly complicated, but thrilling, quest for World Domination.

Let’s review, shall we?

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Once Upon a Time There Lived a Girl Who Was Kind of a Bitch . . . – Starring Flashback!Cersei and Unnamed Friend

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Saucy Cersei and her handmaiden travel deep in the forest and come upon a witch. Cersei is disappointed she isn’t uglier and only has two eyes instead of three.  The witch seductively licks young Cersei’s blooded finger, upon the young girl’s demand to hear her future.

“Everyone wants to know their future, until they know their future,” the witch says wryly, offering the young royal three questions to sate her curiosity.

Like any pretty pretty princess, bratty Cersei wants to know if she will marry a prince and become Queen. Fortunately, the witch has watched the first four seasons of Game of Thrones on HBO, and has all the answers Cersei is seeking.

“Yes, you will marry a king,” the witch says.

Cersei is pleased. Because even saucy little girls still believe in fairytales. And she feels like she’s just been granted her happily ever after. She is not yet old enough to realize that being happy and being powerful can, at times, be mutually exclusive.

“Will we have children?” Cersei questions on.

That’s question two.

“The king will have twenty children, and but you will have only three,” the witch pronounces.

“But that doesn’t make sense,” whines young Cersei.

Oh to be young, dumb and innocent without access to HBO . . .

“Cold will be their crowns . . . cold as shrouds,” prophesizes the witch.

Then we hear cackling as we fade back into present day. Hmmmm . . . wonder what the third question would be? I’m thinking it might be something about when Botox will be invented. A Queen always does need to look her best, and her stiffest, after all   . . .

Meanwhile, back in present day . . .

Another Day, Another Family Member’s Corpse on top of which to Possibly Become Impregnated – Starring Cersei and Jamie

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We all remember that controversial scene from last season, where Jamie kind of / sort of/ definitely did rape his sister Cersei literally on top of their incestuous son Little Shit Joffrey’s bulbous poisoned purple corpse.

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Well, this season finds ole Cersei and Jamie communing over a casket once again, their father’s. Same room. Same creepy fake eyes over his real dead eyes. Only this time, the two have enough sense to keep their clothes on. So it’s much more PG, and much less like that “No means no” video on rape and sexual harassment you watched in your high school health class.

Cersei blames Jamie for indirectly killing their father, by freeing their brother Tyrion from captivity . . thereby allowing the latter to gouge out their father’s innards, as he relieved his bowels on the toilet, while taking a brief potty break from porking Tyrion’s love interest, Shae.

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Well, if there’s one way to keep a man from getting randy, it’s by accusing him of murder and of being mildly mentally retarded. Way to go Cersei! If everyone spoke to their lovers like you do, we wouldn’t need those pesky condoms anymore.

I am the man in the box . . . – Starring Varys and Tyrion

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Speaking of talk about bodily functions, this scene opens with a very graphic description, courtesy of Tyrion, of how one survives for days traveling from Kings Landing to Pentos inside a box with holes in it. Apparently, you just push your poop out of the holes and wait for someone (Varys) to retrieve them.

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This is not the Tyrion of Season 1 and Season 2. The one that was jolly, hilarious, and all around friggin awesome. This Tyrion has a big ole face beard, and excels at precisely three things: box pooping, drinking, and feeling sorry for himself.

“The future is shit just like the past,” says Tyrion.

You can say that again, Tyrion!

A Hot Black Guy with No Balls Enters a Brothel . . . – Starring a Guy with No Balls

Did you hear the one about the guy with no balls, who goes into a brothel, just to get a little wholesome spooning and a nice lullaby?

Well, apparently he gets murdered by a guy in a mask from the orgy scene in the movie Eyes Wide Shut.

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I think there was supposed to be a punchline in there somewhere, but apparently I missed it.

When Dany mother of dragons hears what happened to her ballless acquaintance, she views it as a sign of revolt from the good people of Mereen. She wants the peerless scarred buried publicly and with honor.

Missandei, Dany’s closest advisor, hears the awful story about the dead no-balls hot guy, and it somehow makes her confused / jealous. Women . . . am I right? She quickly asks her new beau, Grey worm, why a man unable to get an erection could possibly want to go to a whore house, if he can’t, you know, sample the merchandise?

greyworm none of the un interested

Some folks just like to torture themselves, I guess . . . like former alcoholics who work in bars, blind folks who work in museums, and people who didn’t manage to find the leaked episodes of Game of Thrones who went on Tumblr and Twitter today . . .

Grey Worm doesn’t provide Missandei with this response, of course, knowing instinctively, that, when it comes to the people you sleep with, sometimes the best answer to dangerous questions like these is no answer at all.

Creepy Melissandre is creepy – Starring Jon Snow and Co. on the Wall

Some time has passed since last season, and it seems Gilly has seamlessly adapted to the role of Samwell Tarly’s nagging wife. “Why don’t you earn to fight like these men? Don’t let the bad wilding hating man send us away! Why do you always insist on leaving the toilet seat up when you go to the bathroom, but never change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty.”

gilly and sam

Meanwhile, Jon Snow is meeting Lady in Red, Melissandre, for the first time. “Hi nice to meet you, I’m the lady that once gave birth to an evil black monster that killed Renly Baratheon. Are you, by chance a virgin?” She asks.

are you virgin not virgin good

Not one for small talk, is she?

Jon admits that, unlike the unfortunate unsullied from earlier, he has, in fact sampled the merchandise of that adorable wilding ginger Ygritte.

ygritte posh

Jon Snow used to “know nothing.” But, apparently, not anymore.

Melissandre seems ridiculously thrilled to hear this information, which would make me seriously worried, if I was Jon Snow. Usually witches only cast spells using virgin sacrifices, but it seems like our Lady in Red is quite willing to make an exception for this hot piece of man meat.

After completely creeping out Jon Snow, Melissandre takes him to meet her current bed friend, Lord Stannis. Grumpy Stannis has a proposition for his younger, hotter new pal. He knows that Jon has sympathies for the wildings, based on his Season 3 time as an undercover Wildling, and his ill-fated relationship with Ygritte. He also knows that he has some sway over their fearless leader, Mance Rayder.

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Grumpy Stannis entreats Jon to convince the Wildlings, through Mance to fight alongside of Grumpy Stannis and help him to win the iron throne, in exchange for their freedom from further persecution by . . . . well, anyone who isn’t a Wilding, I guess. He tells Jon that he has until nightfall to convince the leader to bend the knee or, he dies.

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Sir Robin of Wimpyness  –Starring Dark!Sansa and Littlefinger

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For no other reason, I suspect, then to suggest the possibility of a positively ridiculous spinoff show, we learn that Dark!Sansa and Littlefinger, before jetting off on their journey toward World Domination, have smartly ditched the brat with an unhealthy love for his mother and for throwing people out the moon door, by dropping him off at a Sword Fighting School?

“He wields a sword like a girl with palsy,” says his would-be teacher.

Well, that wasn’t very nice. I’m sure some girls with palsy are really quite good with swords, when given the opportunity to practice . . .

Just like with Tyrion before her, it becomes quickly apparent that this isn’t your Older Sister’s Sansa Stark. Seasons 1 through 4’s Sansa was shy, quiet, meek, aggressively polite, and, at times, honestly, seemed a bit daft.

young sansa

Dark!Sansa has a deeper, raspier voice, as if she spent the entire hiatus smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, and an icy cold mirthless demeanor that would give even the Icy Queen herself, Cersei Lannister some pause.   I guess this is what happens when you get a Littlefinger in you . . . 😉

Speaking of Cersei, Sansa and Little Finger are apparently traveling to a place where the evil the evil wench can’t find them. Disney World, perhaps?

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Drinking the Kool Aid – Cersei and Lansel

Cersei’s cousin, Lancel, is so traumatized by his memories of sex with Cersei, that he shaves his head, dons a monk’s outfit, and joins over a religious cult known as the Faith of the Seven. This only proves that porking Cersei Lannister can only lead to the loss of things, like your hand, your bowels, your life, and your mind.

Her vajayjay is clearly poisonous.

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Loras Tyrell – Loser at Life, Stallion in the Bedroom –Starring Loras, Margaery and Loras’ boy toy whose name I can’t remember

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This scene is wholly not important, except that it contains the only consummated sex act of the episode between Loras and his beau. Margaery interrupts the pair and is totally cool with it. Margaery is just a pretty cool person all around . . . you know   . . . except for the whole marrying and seducing ten-year olds thing . . .

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As Loras lounges nude in bed, post coitus, he casually discusses with Margaery their mutual bugaboo, Cersei, who is still sort of kind of betrothed to Loras. Loras posits that a marriage to him will get Cersei out of Kings Landing, and, thereby, out of Margaery’s hair for good. “Sure,” Margaery considers. “Then again, so will murdering her like my grandma murdered that little shit, Joffrey.”

Though, she says all this in a much more classy way than I could ever say it.

Margaery Tyrell . . . classiest pedophile ever.

In which Varys convinces Tyrion to join Team Mother of Dragons – Starring Tyrion and Varys again

vary 3 instinct for compassion vary 2

Twenty minutes have passed, and Tyrion is still moaning and feeling sorry for himself. Hey, Tyrion, the death of Shae and Poop Murder of your father was so last season. Get over it.

Just kidding. It’s kind of sucked to be Tyrion, since sometime back in season two.

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Varys makes it his personal mission to cheer up Tyrion, and get his ass back into slightly less inebriated fighting mode. He majorly talks up Dany as the new would-be, benevolent, but strong and firm, ruler of the iron throne. Varys hopes sincerely that Tyrion will meet with Dany and join the cause to help her rise to be queen over all those other assholes currently jockeying for the position. Tyrion agrees to take the trip, but only if he can get wasted on the way there. Fair enough, Tyrion. You’ve earned your drunk today.

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Are you the Mother of Dragons or the Mother of Bitches? – Dany and Daario

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The former rulers of Mereen, are willing to concede to the whole “no more slaves” thing, if they can reopen the fighting pits and watch all the people who used to wipe their butts beat the ever loving shit out of one another.

Dany is hesitant to accept this compromises, as she sees reopening the fighting pits as akin to the slavery she just abolished. Later Dany pillow talks about her quandary with her new beau, Daario. There are definitely too many people with weird, hard to spell, sound alike names beginning with “D,” “M,” and “J” on this show.  (It’s a good thing that “Dany” and I are on a nickname basis. She calls me Jewls, in case you were curious.)

Daario thinks Dany should reopen the pits. He recalls that learning to fight professionally gave his life purpose. Maybe it could do the same thing for some of these newly free weinerless folks. Dany wonders whether, by reopening the pits, she would be forsaking the very same people she had sworn to protect.

“You are not the mother of unsullied, you are the mother of dragons,” Daario replies.

no mercy to you

He’s pretty suave, that Daario. No wonder he is the main love interest on every single cable show in existence right now

Speaking of the dragons, at least the two she didn’t set free, they are kind of pissed at her, for the whole locking them in the dungeon thing, and breathe fire at her, when she goes to visit them.

Teenagers. Can’t live with them, and apparently, it’s illegal to decapitate them . . .

Burning Man Festival – Wilding Edition – Starring Jon Snow and Mance Rader

chatting mance

As he promised to Stannis, Jon approaches Mance about joining the former’s army as being a better deal than, you know, being publicly burned alive and stuff. Mance admits that being burned to death in front of his followers would be a little painful and embarrassing. So much screaming like a girl, so much charred Mance bits flying at the crowd. But still, he has pride in himself and in his people, and isn’t willing to bargain away their freedom even if it means saving his own ass from becoming a meal at the local steakhouse.

“The freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted,” Mance states solemnly.

He and Dany must have gotten the same fortune cookie on their last trip to the Chinese restaurant.

Later that night, as promised, Mance refuses to bend the knee to Stannis, and waits on the pyre to be burned in front of a throng of well and not-so-well wishers at an impromptu Burning Man festival on the wall.

burning man

But then, just as the flames start to licks Mance’s tatas, Jon Snow mercifully shoots an arrow at his heart, and kills him, before he has the chance to scream like a little girl.

The whole looking like a meal at the steakhouse part, though, that just couldn’t be helped, unfortunately.

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And that was episode one of Game of Thrones in a nutshell. Toodles!

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The Lazy Recapper Takes on Sunday and Monday Night Television (Once Upon a Time, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, and Gossip Girl)

[The Vampire Diaries’ Recap for “Do Not Go Gentle” is on its way!  Check back early Saturday morning, April 28th, E.S.T.]

May Sweeps is fast approaching.  And it’s already been quite the busy week in TV land.  Let’s see, we’ve had decapitations, mutilations, demon baby births, people turning into snails, travels to alternate dimensions, fake family reunions, real family reunions, LSD trips, and people claiming to be Martians . . .And that was all before midnight on Monday!

So grab your sword and crossbow, and let that funny tasting sugar cube melt on your tongue, because it’ time for a trip down TV’s Memory Lane, Lazy Recapper’s style.

Once Upon a Time – “The Return”

This week on OUAT, we learned the real reason why poor little Baelfire never brought his dad, Rumpelstiltzkin in to talk to his class on Career Day.  Sure, turning straw into gold, bargaining for first born babies, and turning people into snails, just because they gave your son a boo-boo is a great job.

 “I also have fabulous hair.”

But for some reason it doesn’t make the Rumpel family all that popular with the townsfolk.  Gee . . . I can’t imagine why?

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Es carg – OH NO!

Understandably, Baelfire (Um . . . can I just say, as far as names go, this one is pretty darn awful.  Then again, what do you expect from a guy who’s name sounds like the German word for “Butt Stilts”) is a bit tired of being Fairytale land’s least likely to be Prom King and/or get laid before the age of 55.  So, the young lad vows to find a way to make his dad’s DARK MAGIC evaporate, faster than one can say “Bippity, Boppity, Boo.”

“And that’s how I get my face looking so sparkly and demonic, each day.” 

And wouldn’t you know, some things actually ARE easy in fairytale land.  Upon meeting a rather ornery, and self-righteous fairy, Baelfire learns that the key to turning his snail-hating, and baby-loving dad, with the poopy name, back into a normal man is a  . . . bean(?).

“Are we supposed to be vanquishing evil or cooking?”

But this, of course, isn’t just any bean.  It’s a Time and Dimension Traveling Bean.  Baelfire, of course, is THRILLED.  He can’t wait to share the good news with ole pops!

“By the way, if you ever run into Tinkerbell, tell her I think she’s really hot.”

However, unfortunately for Baelfire, Rumpelstiltzkin isn’t quite so ready to give up his magic ability to prevent the snail population from inevitable extinction.  So, when Baelfire tosses the bean, and the inevitable funnel cloud of smoke and gas emanate from it (Insert Inevitable Bean-Eating Flatulence Joke here), only the little guy has the courage to travel to the Land of the Boring and Magic Free.  Meanwhile, the miserable and extremely guilty feeling Rumpel remains in Fairytale land, totally and utterly alone.

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But, as we all know, Rumpel did eventually made his way into the Land of the Boring and Magic Free.  Does that mean there is hope for an inevitable father/son reunion?  Who did little Baelfire grow up to be, anyway?  Was it this guy?

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Well, that’s what most of us thought, at least until about 40 minutes into the episode, when The Stranger (who just keeps getting Stranger by the Minute) waved a hunk of steel in Rumpel’s face, while chanting some ridiculous prayer purposed toward making the poor old guy his lifelong slave.  Not exactly the kind of sentiment that fits on a Father’s Day card . . .

“Because I care enough to send the very best . . . here, let me shove this pretty sword in your neck . . . Dad.” 

So, here’s my new theory on August the Stranger.  (I saw the promos, after all.)  He’s actually . . . wait for it . . . PINOCCHIO.  It would certainly explain his peg leg, and penchant for donkey paper weights.   I’m thinking that, even though magic successfully converted Pinocchio into a “real boy,” in Fairy Tale land, that magic has an expiration date here in the boring real world.

“On a positive note, I don’t have to worry about that pesky nose-growing thing, anymore . . .” 

And this means that August is doomed to revert back into a puppet status, unless someone*cough Emma Swan cough* can ship him back to Happily Ever After, ASAP.  Makes sense, right?

You know what makes less sense?  What happened this week on Mad Men . . .

Mad Men – “Far Away Places”

Here are just a few of the many things I learned, while watching Mad Men, this week.

(1)    Take LSD!  Not only will it help you divorce your wife, it will also make your liquor bottles musical, and enable you to perfectly recall old baseball games, while getting pruny in your bathtub!  Talk about efficient living!

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Just beware of “shrinkage” . . .

“I was in the tub . . . I swear it was only because I was in the tub!”

(2)    Michael Ginsburg may be an honest-to-goodness Martian.  But Stan Rizzo only owns one suit jacket.  And it just so happens to be that hideous green plaid one.  Which one do you feel sorrier for?

My vote goes with Stan.  Rumor has it the Martians are pretty snazzy dressers . .  .

(3)    Peggy Olson is NOT Don Draper.  And giving someone a hand job during the movie with all the cute little lion cubs in it, or yelling at a client, who doesn’t like her idea, does not make her him.

“Can I get some popcorn with that?’

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Oh, and . . . whatever you do, don’t ask her for her thoughts on beans.

“You WILL like my advertising idea, or I’ll have my good friend Rumpelstilskin turn you into a snail!” 

Speaking of Don Draper . . .

(1)    When Don Draper says you should like Orange sherbert, you BETTER like Orange sherbert.  And don’t even think about ordering yourself a pie for dessert.  Because you’ll end up walking home from that Howard Johnsons in East Deliverance, U.S.A, ALL BY YOURSELF . . . just you and the ten rednecks who tried to hit on you, outside the phonebooth. Yes, I’m looking at you, Megan!

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(2)    This one is also for Megan, or any of you future Ms. Draper’s out there.  When your husband (a) murders women in his sleep and shoves them under his bed for safe keeping; and (b) only seems to like having intercourse with you on the floor, AFTER he’s failed to scratch your eyes out or strangle you . . . you might want to reconsider the single life.

Foreplay?

In other, People You Definitely Don’t Want to Marry News . . .

Game of Thrones – “Garden of Bones”

(Special thanks to my pal, Andre, for all the awesome screencaps!)

Hey Joffrey Baratheon, you seem to be getting to that age, when boys start growing hair on their chest . . . their voices change . . . they stop thinking women are icky, and start wanting to get some.  Given all that, you might be interested in hearing some tips on how to woo women.  Here’s a hint.  Don’t do ANY OF THE THINGS YOU DID DURING THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF G.O.T . . . (or any episode of GOT for that matter)

You heard me, boy.  That means, no having women stripped naked in public for your amusement, no making them stare at their father’s decapitated head for fun, no menacing them with crossbows, while someone shoves a hot poker up their asses, or flogs them with a belt.  Need I say more?

Speaking of demon seeds, Melisandre gave birth to some hideous looking black puff of smoke that makes that thing that came out of the guy’s stomach in the movie Alien look downright cuddly by comparison.

The whole scene gave me an awful flashback of that Miracle of Life video they made us watch in middle school.  I’m still traumatized by it to this day.  (There’s no better form of contraception, as far as I’m concerned.)  Which reminds me, I wonder what kind of health coverage one gets working for the “Lord of Light?”

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“I wouldn’t know.  I work for the Prince of Darkness, myself.”

Speaking of Stannis’ seed, it’s looking to me like Renly won out in the gene pool competition in the Baratheon family, BIG TIME.  Not only did he kick his brother’s ass in their High on their Horses pre-war pissing contest, this week . . . he’s also better looking, more popular, funnier, and most importantly, didn’t sire that nasty black sh*t that came out of Melisandre’s uterus .  . .

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“Now, I know how Danny Devito’s character felt in the movie Twins.”

Too bad Renly doesn’t play for my team . . .

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Meanwhile, Arya visited Harennhaal Castle, where her infamous “People to Kill” list grew by about ten names.  But, unlike many of her co-captives she got to keep her head . . . literally.  So, yayyyy, Arya!

Elsewhere, on greener pastures, Dany, Mother of Dragons, used her feminine wiles and genuine kick ass nature to enter what seems like the nicest locale on this show, not to mention the only one that looks remotely clean.

Sausage Party 

My only question then, is why did they give it a totally lame name like QARTH.

“I pity the fool who pronounces it as QUARTH.” 

Speaking of totally lame . . .

Gossip Girl – “Despicable B”

Blair made a TOTAL ASS out of herself, at one of Dan’s dull emo parties, by wearing a totally inappropriate, and not particularly cute dress, and making an awkward rambling speech, no one cared about . . . all because the New Yorker referred to her as  “low brow.”  Now, she’s worried she lost sight of her “true self.”  Glad you caught on Blair.  We’ve been worried about that, since the whole “Pact with G*d” episode . . .

Sometimes, the truth hurts . . . 

More drama on the Lily the Greedy Van der B*tch front.  But at least this time she’s found the right target for her ire, her sister . . . who got carted off to jail at the end of the episode for paying someone to pretend to be a family member, in order to free up some trust fund cash.

 Just try not to drop the soap . . .

Speaking of the faux-sibling, in question Ivy ultimately got off scott free for the part she played in the scheme.  She even got a check for $1 million for her troubles.  She ended up tearing up the check though . . . You know, because she has  .  . . like . . . standards, and stuff.  MORON! 

Ivy Dickens . . . a real bastion of morality.

Speaking of fake family members, remember when we found out that Diana Von Slutsky was actually Chuck’s bio mom?  Well, now, it turns out . . . not so much.  But get this, UNCLE BART might be his dad.  Seriously?  How old would Bart have to have been when Chuck was born?  TEN?

I know those Bass boys start sexing young, but this is a bit ridiculous.  And how about all those times Bart tried to get Chuck to OD on DRUGS so he can steal his hotel from under him.  Talk about things you won’t find on the Father’s Day Hallmark cards . . .

And that’s what you missed on Sunday and Monday night television . . .

(F.Y.I. Tuesday night television will be getting its own recap this week . . .  So, Glee and New Girl fans, be on the lookout . . .;)

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See ya next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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