Eric Northman: Making mouths (and other body parts) happy since 950 A.D.
Tonight’s episode of True Blood belonged to Eric Northman, and, by extension to Alexander Skarsgard. He was the one calling the shots. His lead was the one that everybody followed. His storyline was the only one that seemed to have any significant plot development. Not that there is anything wrong with that . . .
And yet, despite Eric’s storyline being the most intriguing and forward moving, there WERE other things going on in this episode. And if I had to tie them together somehow, I would say they all related to the theme of “Trust” (or, in some characters’ case, a lack thereof). So, before we get on to the MAIN EVENT, lets take a look at the opening acts. Shall we?
“Performance enhancement? I don’t need any of that sh*t! I’m Jason F*cking Stackhouse, and I PERFORM just fine, if you catch my drift . . .”
“Well . . . most of the time.”
When we last left Jason, he was coping with a “wild animal problem.”
Crystal made for a pretty funky CGI-looking panther, didn’t she? Those of us who read this books knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less bizarre seeing it on the small screen. And, I don’t know about you, but was I the only one who was hoping she’d be pink?
“Take me, Jason! I’m a REAL sex kitten! And I’ve got nine lives. You know what that means . . .”
So, anyway, Jason is having a little bit of trouble wrapping his head around the whole “Werepanther Thing.”
“Trailer Trash Barbie say WHAT?”
(Other things Jason has had trouble wrapping his head around: the “addition thing,” the “subtraction thing”, the “reading books that don’t contain pictures” thing, the “having sex with more than one person in a 24-hour period makes you slutty” thing . . .)
Crystal is a bit insulted that Jason isn’t totally down with her offers of bestiality. “I told you I had secrets. You said you were OK with it,” she whines.
“I thought it was shoplifting or something,” argues Jason.
Then the two resort to name-calling and petty insults. Jason calls Crystal a “Meth Dealer’s Daughter” . . .
. . . and Crystal accuses Jason of not being a “man.”
“Oh no, you didn’t!”
But before any “catfights” break out, Jason detracts his claws, and apologizes for not being more understanding of Crystal’s “predicament.” “I’m sorry, Crystal. My brains feel like Scrambled Eggs right now,” he explains.
“Nice Jason! Way to pick on the guy you just shot. And I’m not ‘scrambled!” The appropriate word is ‘decomposing,’ thank you very much!”
Then, Crystal begs Jason to help her stop the raid on her family’s meth lab, in order to “save the children.” Jason is willing to consider it. But right now, he has more important things to do like head to the high school football field and re-live his Glory Days find Sookie.
While Jason is driving around searching for Sookie, he just so happens to wind up back at his only high school football field. (Riiiiight, because there’s nothing that murderous bloodthirsty vampires love more, than tossing around the ole’ pigskin.) There, he spies his mancrush archrival highschool football star Kitch.
I’m sorry, but what kind of name is that? Is that supposed to be short for “kitchen”? Perhaps, that was where he was conceived? Whatever, it is, I don’t like it. Fortunately, I’ve come up with a new name for Jason’s mancrush archrival, Douchey McTeen.
So, Jason watches Douchey McTeen toss around the pigskin for a while with his minions butt buddies friends, and figures out that Douchey’s “talents” can only be attributed to one thing: excessive V usage. Jason confronts Douchey, and is all, “That’s not FAAAAIIIIR! You’re a CHEAATTERRR! I’m TELLING, you stinky Poopy Head!”
Unfortunately for Jason, everybody already seems to know about Douchey McTeens steroids V problem. In fact, his coach, the school principal, even his own parents ENCOURAGED it. Plus, apparently, unlike other performance enhancing drugs, V is completely undetectable through medical screening. Poor Jason! Douchey McTeen is going to take his high school football record away. And without his football record, what does he have?
I stand corrected!
Summer’s Days are Drifting Away . . .
Speaking of V . . . and perpetual V cards, the adorable Hoyt has just had a taste of both, thanks to the lovely Vampire Jessica. “I feel muscles in places I didn’t know I had,” exclaims Hoyt.
Mmmmm hmmmm, we bet you do, Lover Boy — strong, hard . . . muscles.
Coming down off her post-coital high, Vampire Jessica FINALLY confesses to Hoyt about her little “Trucker Snack” from earlier this season. However, she promises Hoyt that she has since learned to control her feeding, so as to prevent the death of her . . . meals. “I can’t live on True Blood. I need human blood. That’s how it’s always going to be,” she insists.
“So drink me,” whispers Hoyt, as he unbuttons his shirt, illustrating the extent to which he loves and trusts his dear sweet vampire lover.
And that was when the panties of the entire female fanbase of True Blood fell to the floor.
Jessica straddles Hoyt, and begins kissing him gently, gradually moving up his stomach, toward his neck, where she finally moves in for a big bite. The whole thing was so hot, I swear, I almost passed out. Way to go, you two! May you go on to produce many very attractive vampire babies . . .
Meanwhile, Summer . . .
. . . whose offers of biscuits, a nude body, her virginity, and lots of antiques and porcelain dolls, had failed miserably in winning over Hoyt’s heart, still had one more desperate trick up her sleeve. And so, in the middle of the night, she runs crying to the doorstep of Hoyt’s MOTHER!
From the sound of it, Maxine Fortenberry was SO determined that her son NOT end up with the vampire that tried to eat her, she more or less HIRED Summer to seduce Hoyt away from Jessica. Is that sick or what? When Summer tells Maxine that she was willing to give up her virginity to her son, Maxine doesn’t even flinch (or laugh, which was what I did, when I heard that). “I’m sure the Lord will forgive you, even if you are a sinner,” says the self-righteous witch. “Don’t give up hope yet. This is not over,” exclaims Maxine triumphantly.
Talk about a Bad Mommy! I think I liked Maxine better when she was possessed by the Maenad, and obsessed with Bill Compton’s Wii Entertainment System . . .
At least THAT was a game you could win, Honey. Because you are going to LOSE this one! Hoyt and Jessica Forever!
She’s STILL having a baby!
Speaking of Bad Mommies . . .
. . . Arlene has been so obsessed with getting rid of her Future Serial Killer Baby . . .
. . . that she seems to have completely forgotten about her other kids!
“Please help us! We haven’t eaten or bathed since Season 1.”
I love how Arlene commandeered Holly to help her with her “baby situation,” because she doesn’t believe in abortion. Yes, Arlene, the man (or woman) upstairs would much rather you perform some weird Wiccan ritual to magically kill your baby, than to do it in a doctor’s office. After cutting out early from work, Arlene follows Witch Holly . . .
. . . out into the woods. There, the two light candles, sprinkle salt in a circle, and talk to Mother Nature (?), as well as Arlene’s deceased mother. To complete the ritual, Arlene is told to put her own blood in a cup, and drink this nasty tasting concoction four times a day. “We did our best. But if the baby is meant to be born, it will be born,” cautions Holly.
“What, no 100% guarantee? Can I at least get my salt shaker back, if it doesn’t work?”
That night, Arlene has a weird dream about going fishing as a teenager. In the dream Arlene’s mother is calling to her, but Arlene can’t see her. She is woken up by Terry, who is freaked out, because Arlene’s nether regions are covered in a pool of blood. When Arlene tells Terry she might have suffered a miscarriage, the poor man starts blubbering like a baby, which is so sweet, considering he KNOWS now that this isn’t his kid.
At the hospital, Terry continues to bawl, while Arlene, secretly relieved that her plan has worked, tries to prepare him for the worst. But it’s Arlene who looks ready to cry, when the doctor comes in to deliver the news. Future Serial Killer Baby LIVES!
Really? With all that blood? That is one strong baby!
Maybe Arlene has been right about this whole “evil spawn” thing, all along!
Two Broken Souls = One Hot Screw
“Let’s make some dysfunctional shapeshifter babies together!”
So, for whatever reason, the True Blood writers have decided that Sam should have a Dark Side. It inexplicably resurfaced two episodes ago, when Sam, with little provocation, almost beat that meth dealer to death . . .
. . . then, last week, we learned he was a thief, a con artist and a double murderer . . .
. . . and this week, we got to add “mean and belligerent drunk” to this lovely list of qualities growing under Sam’s name.
(Speaking of Sam’s name, if he was running from the law, don’t you think he should have changed it at some point, rather than . . . I don’t know . . . NAMING A BAR after it.)
So, Sam stumbles into the bar, and starts insulting his customers and staff, like it’s his job.
“Man, you’re ugly,” slurs Sam to one of his patrons. (How’d you like to be the extra who got saddled with THAT part?)
He then calls Sweet Terry a “Shellshocked” Loser, and Arlene a B*tch. He also FIRES his little brother Tommy, who’s crestfallen face breaks my heart, as the latter argues feebly that he has no where else to go.
“At least the Mickens always gave me dog bones to chew on.”
And then he told Sookie . . .
. . . oh wait . . . he didn’t tell Sookie anything . . . because she wasn’t there . . . because she hasn’t worked a day since Season 1.
Eventually, Sam kicks everybody out of the bar, except Tara, because she refuses to leave.
Ummm . . . yeah, because that’s what I like to do on my days off from work – hang out at the office.
As it turns out, Tara’s been having a kind of crappy day herself. She spends the whole morning crying in front of Eggs’ grave . . .
She then tearfully confronts Andy about his “taking credit” for Eggs’ murder. After that, she drowns her sorrows in tequila, as her and Sam wax poetic about what not-nice people they are. And, let me tell you, nothing says “lets bone” like a conversation in which both parties prove themselves to be total and complete a*sholes. But bone they do, and it’s hardcore — like something straight out of a porno . . . Not that I would know ;).
“Oh yeah! I needed a cigar after that one!”
Welcome to LaLa Land
“It’s OK. We don’t understand our storyline either . . .”
So, while his cousin Tara was busy getting laid, Lafayette was busy . . . umm . . . NOT getting laid. After that one trippy hit, his once holier -than-thou “Just say no to drugs” boyfriend is all about getting more V. Jesus claims he wants to do it to “reconnect with his family.” Right, just like those guys who say they read Playboy just “for the articles.” But Lafayette, or, as he now calls himself, “LaLa” . . .
Lala? But I thought Tinky Winky was supposed to be the gay one?
. . . is hesitant. And that hesitation is only confirmed when he has a hallucination of Jesus looking like this . . .
Ummm . . . why is Jesus suddenly wearing the Shredder mask from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
More than a bit freaked out, “Lala” kicks Jesus out. But soon after, his toys religious figurines start dancing and talking to him again. That will teach you to keep creepy figurines in your house, Lafayette. You should have stuck with the Care Bears . . .
At least they won’t talk back . . .
And finally, the storyline we’ve all been waiting for . . .
Let the Sunshine In . . .
Since you apparently lack experience in the whole sunlight thing, allow me to enlighten you. Wearing black? It’s only going to make you hotter. (And you are hot enough, as it is.) Might I suggest a certain Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater for your next daytime stroll?
When the episode begins, Beeaaallll heads to Fangtasia in search of Sookehhhhh. Instead, Bill finds Pam, who beats him up and sprays him in the eye with silver.
Bill whines about how much he loves Sookie and blah, blah, blah. But Pam isn’t having any of his sappy lovesick B.S. “This isn’t about your relationship, you infatuated teen!” She lectures.
Pam then admits to Bill that Eric plans to sacrifice Fairy Sookie to Big Gay Vampire King Russell in order to save his own life. Meanwhile, down in the dungeon, to everyone’s surprise, the one who ACTUALLY rescues and unchains Sookie is YVETTA!
Sookie and Yvetta commiserate for a bit about what an ASS Eric is, and then they dash upstairs. Bill then escapes with Sookie, while Yvetta absconds with the cash. Poor Vampire Pam is left to drown her sorrows in the blood of Screaming Ginger . . .
Meanwhile, Eric is at the Jackson mansion, confronting Russell . . .
Silly, Screwed Up Russell! Still clutching his Goblet o’ Talbot, he actually seems hurt that anyone would think to betray him in this way. “Why did you kill Talbot? He has done nothing to you!” Russell whines. (Right, Russell . . . as if that newscaster did anything to you . . .)
As someone who clearly has more patience, and less of an appreciation for the ironic than I do, however, Eric is willing to explain. “You killed my parents, in order to obtain my father’s crown for your vast collection of meaningless sh*t,” he offers.
Meaningless sh*t, indeed.
Russell plans to kill Vampire Eric immediately, for his transgression. However, Eric makes him an offer he can’t refuse. The wise Viking entices Russell, with talk of vampires walking in the sun. He asks for an extra day of life to prove he is telling the truth. Russell agrees.
That night, Russell and Eric literally hold up a car . . .
The car contains within it Bill and Sookie. And the action thankfully interrupts the two from their cheesy conversation about what they would do, if they were a NORMAL couple. (Bill as a school teacher? PLEASE! Mr. Compton can barely take care of Baby Vamp Jessica, let alone a classroom full of young kids he wants to eat.)
Sookie looks genuinely freaked out that two vampires are “high” jacking her car. Bill just looks bored . . .
Russell and Eric hop in the car, and the foursome head back to Fangtasia. There, Vampire Eric stages a fake fight with Bill, so that he can inform the latter of his ingenious, but risky, plan to save Sookie and kill Russell, in the process. Meanwhile, Russell drags Sookie inside.
At Fangtasia, Eric explains to Russell that Sookie is part-fairy, and that fairy blood is, as Sookie so eloquently put it, some form of vampire sunscreen . . .
Eric also admits that he learned this important piece of information from Vampire Bill, who spent some time in the sun after ALMOST KILLING Sookie!
Sookie is not pleased about these recent developments, as they, once again, illustrate Vampire Bill’s penchant for lying to her, and keeping secrets from her. Unfortunately, however, Sookie doesn’t really have a say in what’s about to happen to her next. The Fairy Waitress is forced to lay flat on a bar table. The oh-so-gallant Russell, waits for Eric to take the first bite. However, Eric hesitates, undoubtedly, thinking about “other” things . . .
Eventually, Russell grows impatient and takes the first bite himself, with Eric reluctantly following suit. So much blood is taken, that Sookie eventually falls unconscious . . .
Pam and Eric then head off to a backroom to set up the security cameras, and prepare Eric to take his first walk outside, thus proving to Russell that it can be done. An unusually emotional and vulnerable Pam cries tears of blood, at the prospect of losing her maker to the Sun. “You know I love you more, when you are cold and heartless,” whispers Eric into Pam’s ear, as he brings her in for an affectionate hug.
I LOVE THESE TWO!
With a final goodbye to Pam, Eric takes his first steps outside, and gets a bit emotional, as he meets the Sun for the first time in centuries. Russell watches in awe and with anticipation, from the security cameras inside Fangtasia.
Just as Eric’s skin begins to burn, Pam cajoles Russell to follow Eric outside. Eric turns his head away, praying in an ancient tongue that Russell will not see that he is burning and ruin the whole plan. When Russell DOES begin to burn, Eric handcuffs himself to the Big Gay Vampire King, and attaches them both to the floor, his once beautiful face now hideously scarred. “Now we will die together,” Eric says ominously.
We hear Russell’s pitiful screams, as the final credits roll.
(Wait, couldn’t Eric have just chained Russell to a post and ran back inside? I don’t really get the whole “dying together thing.” It seems a bit overdramatic, if you ask me. It makes for a good ending though . . .)
So, there you have it, the last episode of True Blood, before the Season 3 finale, which is set to air in two weeks. What did you think? Are you a fan of the new Dark Drunk Sam? Are you as confused by “LaLa’s” storyline as I am? Can you imagine a True Blood without Vampire Eric? I mean . . . obviously . . . he’s going to survive . . . right?
See, you in two weeks, fangbangers!