Tag Archives: Uncle John

Four Funerals and a Naked Cuddle? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Sun Also Rises”

“Oh NO!  Don’t cry!  Please don’t cry!  Let’s try to focus on the Happy Things, like the fact that Michael Trevino spent this entire episode naked . . .”

“I have the most awesome nipples on the planet.”

*Takes Deep Breath*  Hey, Fangbangers!  How are you doing?  Are you holding up, OK?  As you well know, this was probably one of the most intense, and heart-wrenching, episodes of TVD history.  And no one will hold it against you, if, while you watched it, you engaged in a little Soulful Crying . . .

You may have ventured over into the territory of the Ugly Cry Face . . .

And that’s ALL RIGHT!  There is no shame in that! 

You know, I was trying to figure out what tone I should be taking with this recap.  I mean, on one hand, I usually like to keep things light.  But making fun of an episode featuring FOUR DEAD PEOPLE, seems a tad inappropriate, even for ME! (Well . . . two of them at least.  When it comes to the demise of a certain VERY Unlikeable Wolfgirl, and an EXTREMELY B*tchy Witch, all bets are off!). 

Hours and hours of painful faux-wolf transformations, followed by some time spent rolling in the dirt, plus getting her HEART RIPPED OUT OF YOUR CHEST, and this one still looks like she just stepped out of a salon.  Talk about UNFAIR!

There’s also a lot of great acting and plotting in the “The Sun Also Rises” that deserves to be given its do.  So, while this recap may be a bit more “somber” than most, I’ll try my best to cover everything that happened, while hopefully, still entertaining you a bit along the way . . .

See?  Already you are entertained!

Sound good?  Let’s get started .  . .

(By the way, did you notice that I always called her Useless Aunt Jenna, but now that she’s gone, doing that makes me feel like a TOTAL asshat Aunt Jenna voiced this week’s “Previously on the Vampire Diaries?”  Kind of fitting right?)

So, let me get this straight, you want me to open the show?  But Stefan always opens the show.  Why do I get to do it this week?  Oh, wait a second here .  . . you aren’t trying to give my character a ‘Poignant Sendoff’ are you?  ARE YOU?”

Let Sleeping Werewolves Lie . . .

“Shoot me in the face, I’ll bite you in the balls.  Just sayin’  . . . MATT”

“Ahhh .  . . see that’s what YOU think!  I gave up my balls on this show, a LOOOONNNNG time ago.”

You know you are in a maudlin TVD episode, when the storyline revolving around SHOOTING wolves, painful werewolf transformations, homicidal moms, and a brutal breakup functions as the COMIC RELIEF!  The episode begins with Caroline trying to secure Were-Tyler behind a locked gate, while Matt proceeds to go Rambo on the animal’s ass.  (PETA must have LOVED this one!)

It’s interesting how this scene pretty much telegraphs the Matt / Caroline breakup that occurs at the end of the episode, and the main reasons behind it.  (Then again, considering that Matt has spend the past few episodes plotting AGAINST Caroline with the EEEVVVIL Lizard Forbes, one could argue that this relationship has really been dead in the water, ever since Matt found out that Caroline was a vampire, back in “The House Guest.”)

“Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?”

First, obviously, Matt shoots Were-Tyler.  (By the way, since when did MATT become this GREAT SHOT?  Who the heck ever took this orphan out hunting?  Vampire Vicki?) 

The fact that a gunshot wound CAN’T actually kill this supernatural creature, doesn’t mean that Matt didn’t INTEND to shoot to kill.  Some have disagreed with me on this point.  But I took his actions here as a sure sign that Matt has extreme difficulty seeing the HUMAN BEING, behind the supernatural creature.  Admittedly, he does come around a bit on this point, toward the end of the episode . . . but just not ENOUGH.

As luck would have it, however, the bullet wound  incapacitates Tyler, preventing him from breaking through the wrought iron gates.  This ultimately allows Caroline and Matt to (1) pass through those gates, (2) step over the “sleeping Tyler,” (3) lock said gates from the INSIDE, and (4) return to the safety of Caroline’s house.

That may end the problems with Were-Tyler.   But the problems between Matt and Caroline are just beginning.  Matt offers to help Caroline with the situation, and she REFUSES, probably because (1) as the kickass Vampire Barbie she is, Caroline is about ten times strong than Matt’s wimpy ass; and (2) she doesn’t entirely trust that Matt won’t try to kill Tyler again.  “I’VE GOT IT,” Caroline says snippily.

“Oh . . . my sweet manhood.  Oh, how I miss you.”

In return, when Caroline asks Matt to hold her hand (adding FURTHER insult to injury on the “I’m stronger than you” front), so that the two can navigate around an anesthetized Tyler, Matt hesitates for a LONG TIME.  I’m not even sure if he ultimately DID IT.  Granted, this may just be Matt’s Male Ego trying to show Caroline who’s not so much boss, and not wanting to be mothered by his own girlfriend.  But, mainly, I think it illustrates the notion that Matt STILL doesn’t entirely trust Caroline in her vampire form. 

Ultimately, it is THESE issues (along with some other ones) . . .

“Matt who?”

 . . . that completely tear apart the flimsy fabric of this more-or-less already broken relationship . . .

Back at Alchy Alaric’s Crib . . .

Damon Penetrates Katherine’s Emotional Fortress of Solitude (and Then Pulls Out)

See what I did there? 😉

KATHERINE:  “So, I know you’re like ‘dying’ and all, but would it be too much to ask for a rousing Goodbye F*&k?”

Back when the promo for this episode first aired, many of you noted the genuine look of concern in Katherine’s eyes, as she surveyed the increasingly gnarly werewolf bite on Damon’s arm.

OK . . . that is SO not a hickey!  (Great arm definition though.  That vamp works out!)

And while I DO think that Katherine loves Damon to the extent that she CAN, her love is a selfish and possessive one.  Katherine’s concern over Damon’s dying seems more related to her OWN loss of a GREAT Sex Partner feelings of abandonment and neglect, as well as her fear that there will be one less person on the planet pining over her.

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That being said, it was VERY satisfying to see Damon, who had spent centuries mooning and moping over Katherine, FINALLY coming to terms with the MANY deficiencies of Katherine’s character.  Of course, the exchange wasn’t NEARLY as satisfying as THIS one . . .

Damon immediately calls Kat out on the part she played in Jenna’s demise.  After all, it was KATHERINE who led Jenna into the trap that resulted in her being Klaus’ vampiric sacrifice.  And Katherine did this, even THOUGH she had already consumed the vervain Damon himself had given her, and clearly, had a choice in the matter.  “Somehow you are always the only one who wins, Katherine.  How did that happen?”  Damon asks.

“Because I didn’t let love get in the way,” Katherine replies.

This, of course, calls to mind the much-discussed concept of vampires “turning off their feelings,” which will be touched upon again, later in this episode.  One could argue that Katherine acts the way she does because she simply “never turned her feelings back ON.”  However, I think that’s an overly simplistic analysis of the situation.  Because unlike OTHER vampires who have “turned off” their feelings in the past, like the stoic, verging on sociopathic, Isobel . . .

 . . . and the Bloodaholic Stefan of Old  . . .

 . . . Katherine seems VERY in touch with her emotions.  She often manages to experience JOY in her life . . .

. . . and shows obvious signs of fear, when her existence is being threatened, right before her self-preservation instincts set in.

No, Katherine is just a manipulative biatch.  And, for the most part, she’s probably been that way for her entire life.  The difference now, is that Damon Salvatore has her number. “Enjoy your life alone,” he says icily, as he walks out of her life.   For good?  Somehow, I doubt it . . .

For Damon’s part, the fact that he was willing to sacrifice HIMSELF, not just for Elena, but for JENNA (The werewolf bite ultimately prevented him from doing this.), shows tremendous growth in his character.  Remember THIS line?

(My apologies to the owner of THIS awesome tumblr, who’s site I neglected to properly link in my last recap.)

Well, of course, us Delena fans’ hearts just melted over this, viewing it as the ULTIMATE in romantic statements you can make to the person you love more than life itself.  And yet, it also resulted in Elena de-staking ELIJAH, which, ulimately, may not have been the best decision.  (More on that later.) 

On the otherhand, the “I will always choose you,” line exemplified the ways in which  Damon’s unparalleled love for Elena sometimes prevented him from seeing the Big Picture.  And the Big Picture, is THIS:  Sometimes “saving” someone, isn’t just about preserving their life; it’s also about preserving their heart, by protecting the people that mean something to that person.  Damon’s willingness to save JENNA, in this episode, shows that he understands that Big Picture now.  This understanding, undoubtedly makes him an EVEN STRONGER candidate for Elena’s love . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

Unfortunately, saving Jenna was not in the cards for Damon, this week.  “I’m sorry Damon, but Jenna is dead, and there is nothing you can do about it,” notes Katherine, prophetically. 

“Oh, my GOD!  He killed me! (WTF?)”

“Got any aspirin?  I feel like Death!”

Still Useless, but I can’t call her that anymore Aunt Jenna wakes up with what I imagine is the WORST HANGOVER EVER!  Being forced to drink gallons of Old Fart Vampire Blood, then being MURDERED, then being tossed into a Burning Ring of Fire, will do that to a girl.  What’s worse, she seems to have blocked the entire event out of her consciousness, forcing Poor Elena to have explain it to her ALL OVER AGAIN. 

“Do I REALLY have to be the PARENT in this situation?  AGAIN!  Seriously Aunt Jenna, if there was ever a time I needed to be mothered it is RIGHT NOW!”

It’s important to note here, that the minute that Jenna awakens, she says that she feels different and strange.  After all, it is JENNA’S accounting of what it feels like to be a newly turned vampire in transition, that helps Elena to determine whether she has, in fact, made that transition herself, by the end of the episode.  Unfortunately, Elena BARELY has enough time to tell Jenna’s she DEAD, and give her the crash course on Intro to Vampirism 101, before that EVIL Wanker HOBAG Greta comes out to play . . .

Man, I know she didn’t stick around all that long, but I REALLY hated this b*tch!  Seeing her smug, puckery, self-satisfied face on my screen had the odd effect of actually making me MISS Luka!

Remember him?

“Oh my god!  He killed me.  I’m a vampire,” remarks Jenna, a line that would be bizarrely hilarious on ANY show other than this one and, maybe, True Blood.

“And I bet you’re hungry,” coos Greta Hobag.

Elena, who knows what’s coming next, starts Freaking the F*&k OUT!  So, Greta decides to give her some impromptu flying lessons . . .

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

It turns out that living conditions in Burning Ring of Fire Number One, were getting kind of cramped.  So, Greta treats Elena to an “upgrade” by sending her to Burning Ring of Fire Number Two, which is much roomier, and comes with a better view of the park . . .

Greta then slits her own wrist.  Oh, DIE!  Please DIE!  I think to myself.  But alas, this is no Suicide Attempt on Greta’s part.  This is merely a FEEDING.  And Jenna, possibly mistaking Greta’s arm for some Chunky Monkey . . .

Just trying to lighten the mood here, folks!

. . . starts gnawing at Greta’s bloody skin, like it’s an Ear of Corn. 

*nom-nom, nom-nom*  “Tastes like CHICKEN!”

Then THIS happens . . .

Coolest trick ever!  The most interesting thing I can do with MY eyes is cross them.

By feeding on HUMAN blood, shortly after death, Jenna has officially completed her vampire transformation, thus making her a “ripe” candidate for Klaus’ Sacrifice ritual.  From across their respective burning circles, Jenna and Elena view one another, as only two family members who are no longer the same SPECIES can.  Once again, Elena takes on the MOTHERING role for her Useless until the end terrified Aunt and Guardian.  “Jenna, look at me.  It’s going to be OK,” Elena lies through her teeth.

“It’s OK Elena?  It’s going to be OK?  I just DIED, and ate some girl’s arm!  Now I’m in a circle of FIRE, out in the middle of nowhere, being babysat by two chanting psychopaths.  How does this satisfy your definition of OK?”

Meanwhile, back in the underground tomb, Bonnie and Jeremy are spending a leisurely romantic evening reading by candlelight . . .

“So, if our ancestors used to date eachother, does that mean there’s a chance we might be related?”

JEREMY:  “Hey Bonnie, did you know that there are 365 diferent sexual positions?  One for each day of the year?”

BONNIE:  “You had to look in a BOOK to find THAT?  So, what formerly EMO, but now incredibly hot, guys, don’t believe in internet porn?”

The purpose of Bonnie’s and Mini Gilbert’s underground research session is to  allow Jeremy the screentime he’s been sorely lacking these past couple of episodes find a spell that can somehow keep Elena from GOING VAMP, after Klaus kills her.  Truthfully, Jeremy’s and Bonnie’s search for this spell seems kind of half-assed. In fact, both parties seem more interested in eye f*&king, shoulder nuzzling, and making sexually suggestive historical references than rescuing their friend from the Ignominy of the Undead.  “I think [my ancestor, Emily] had a thing for [your ancestor, John Gilbert] remarks Bonnie, with a seductive wink.

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And just in case you actually BELIEVED Bonnie’s lamely flirtatious statement, please allow me to show you something.  THIS was Emily Gilbert . . .

She’s kind of hot, right?  OK . . . now THIS is John Gilbert, on whom Emily supposedly had this HUGE CRUSH . . .

Did I mention, the dude was batsh*t insane, and seemingly spent his entire life writing down his every thought in about 85,000 DIARIES?  Yeah, Emily Gilbert!  This one sounds like a Real Keeper!  You gotta give props to Bonnie for trying, though . .  .

Unfortunately, this little slightly nauseating moment is interrupted by Cock Block Alaric, who, ever since his delivery of the “message” that the Sacrifice begins tonight, has seemingly had no other purpose than to be the Bearer of Bad News . . .

“Dammit!  I miss being Klaus.  Now THERE was a guy who knew how to have a good time!”

“Jeremy, something’s happened to Jenna . . .” he begins morosely.

“Seriously?  Again?  You’re kidding me with this, right?”

The Man with the Plan . . .

Back above ground, Damon and Stefan engage in one of their little Brotherly Telephone Gossip Sessions that are quickly becoming a regular occurrence on this show . . .

” OMG!  Katherine actually SAID that to you?  She is SUCH a b*tch.  Did you f*&k her?   Because I totally would have f*&ked her.”

During the phone conversation, Damon informs Stefan that his girlfriend’s aunt is now vampire bait, and Stefan responds by getting weepy . . . again.  Stefan also makes a decision.  It’s the same one Damon made EARLIER in the episode, but couldn’t carry out, due to his Were-Rabies.  Namely, Stefan will offer to sacrifice himself in place of Jenna . . .

 “So, all these hot guys are willing to sacrifice themselves for ME, now!  This is SO COOL!  It also means I’m pretty much dead already, doesn’t it?”

After hanging up on Damon, Stefan turns his attention to Elijah . . .

I’m sorry. I just think this picture of Elijah is really funny!

Elijah helpfully restates the Save Elena gameplan for the audience.  “Bonnie will stay hidden until the moon reaches its final phase.  [This way, Klaus will continue to think she’s dead until the last possible moment.]  Then, she will deliver Klaus to the brink of death, and I will finish him off,” explains the Original Vamp of Haircare Excellence, stoically . . .

Shut UP, Elijah!  I’m mad at you.  We’re in a fight, now!

Though it’s undoubtedly TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE, Stefan FINALLY wakes up to the fact that Elijah’s insistence on killing his own brother, in order to help out folks who he (1) barely knows; and (2) tried to kill him . . . TWICE, seems . . . ODD . . . to say the least.  When Elijah tells Stefan that he is a “very honorable man,” Stefan pointedly asks whether ELIJAH, himself, is honorable.  (You know, this might have been a good question to ask BEFORE you hung all your hopes on THIS guy’s purported “honorability.”)

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“You can’t see it, but I’m actually crossing my fingers behind my back, right now.”

Klaus FINALLY explains why he seems so intent on killing his own brother, the Original Douchebag.  Turns out, this dude is SO CUCKOO BANANAS that he murdered his ENTIRE family (except, conveniently, Elijah . . . I guess he thought that hair was too pretty to go to waste), and buried all their corpses AT SEA, so that no one could come an “revive” them. 

Stefan, who knows a thing or two about wanting to kill your brother, while still being tormented by feelings of LOVE for that sibling, can relate . . .

Last I checked, they didn’t allow vampires on Dancing with the Stars . . .

“Sometimes, there is honor in revenge,” says Elijah, sounding like he’s quoting Shakespeare. (And he may be, for all I know.  Heck, he probably knew the guy, personally . . . and possibly even ATE him.)  “I will not let you down,” concludes the Original, as his nose grows to epic proportions . . . kind of like Pinocchio.

“Trust me.  It gets worse.”

“Dear sweet Wall!  You are the only one who truly understands my pain.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Uncle / Father John barges into Damon’s house, wondering why Elena hasn’t returned any of his phone calls . . .

“Looks like you are a day late, and a daughter short,” snarks Damon.  (LOVE HIM!)

Once, Damon gives Uncle /Father John the Cliff Notes version of the past few episodes of TVD, during which he was doing LORD KNOWS WHAT, U.F.J. decides this would be the PERFECT opportunity to call Damon out on his failure to properly parent / protect his daughter.  Riiiiight, because dads should ALWAYS hire out Sexy but Morally Ambiguous Vampires to take care of those pesky parental duties!

Now, THAT’S what I call a Father Figure!

“All you had to do was keep her safe,” whines John, when he learns that Damon prevented Elena’s certain death by feeding her his own vampire blood.  “You destroyed her life, you know.  You’ve turned her into what I’ve spent my whole life ineffectually protecting her from.”

“Now, is REALLY not the time for lectures, Daddio!”

That’s when Damon introduces Uncle /Father John to his good pal Wall Face (which was awesome, by the way).  “Yeah, yeah . . . I took her choice away.  And I ruined her life, I get it,” remarks Damon, in the voice of a bored teenager.  (Clearly, Damon Salvatore reads blogs.)  “But, trust me, it gets worse . . .”

“Oh no!  Well, let’s not talk about such dark things.  After all, you and I will have plenty of time to have this discussion next season . . . Won’t we?  Won’t we?

But get worse, IT DOES!  Perpetual Bearer of Bad News Alaric chooses THIS particular time to drop a bombshell on Damon, that STEFAN will be sacrificing himself in Jenna’s place.   Damon’s Man-Cry and Sexy Wall Punch, upon hearing about his Little Brother’s most recent attempt at Martyrdom SLAYED ME with their gut-wrenching intensity  . . .

I also couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER time when Damon took his inconsolate sadness and anger out on Innocent Pieces of Furniture . . .

Be afraid La Casa de Rich and Awesome!  Be very afraid!

I also had to laugh, when Damon once again, RIGHTLY wondered why they couldn’t just let BONNIE sacrifice herself for Klaus.  After all, SHE had enough power to kill him, even BEFORE he started offing various cast members.  In hindsight, this probably would have been the better solution, as it would have prevented Elena and Jeremy from becoming orphans, and from needing a lifetime of pills therapy, most likely punctuated by various stints in rehab . . .

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“Dammit, BONNIE!  Way to take one for the Team!”

Meanwhile, back at the Sacrifice . . .

“Hi Jules . . . Bye Jules!”

 

“Life like a Beast.  Die like a Porn Star.”

Jenna is beginning to enjoy the Perks of Vampirism.  “I feel everything stronger,” she notes thoughtfully.  “The colors are brighter.  The fire is hotter.”

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), this little Advertisement for Undead Living is interrupted by SERIOUSLY LOUD SEX SOUNDS.  Moans, groans, grunts . . . the whole nine yards.  For a second their, I thought Klaus was getting a quicky.  Then, I realized that those sounds were coming from the soon-to-be-dead Jules.  Apparently, Greta slowed down Jules’ were transformation, so that she could be a candidate for the Sacrifice, and the process has ravaged her innards. 

Jules is promptly thrown into Burning Ring of Fire Number 3.  She and Elena only have the briefest of moments to chat.  (She claims she did all that she did to help Tyler.  Do we believe her?  Does it even matter anymore?)  Then Klaus magically appears . . .

“Are you ready my lovelies?”  He asks in that slimy child pedophile voice of his.

Then Greta starts her annoying chanting, as the lights go out in Burning Ring of Fire Number 3.  Apparently, it’s Checkout Time at the Ole Go to Hell Motel!  Jules lunches at Klaus.  And it looks like she’s about to “Go Were” on his ass.  But he tackles her, and does THIS . . .

Now, that’s what I call wearing your heart on your sleeve!

Ummm . . . yeah . . . so in case you haven’t figured it out yet, Jules is Dead . . .

Mind you, this happened only 12 MINUTES into the episode!  So, we all should have known we were in for a while ride.  Klaus expediently drops Jules’ heart (Who knew she had one?) into his little cauldron, as Jenna and Elena watch on in horror from Burning Ring of Fire Numbers 1 and 2, respectively . . .

In a heartfelt moment between Auntie Vampire and Niece, the Character Formerly Known as Useless Aunt Jenna turns to the child she was supposed to be parenting and said “I failed you . . .”

To which Elena, responded, “Hells, yeah, you did!  No, I failed YOU! (But we all know, she just said that to be nice.)

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This touching moment is followed by another one, in which Elena tells Jenna that due to her new and SUPER nifty vampiric abilities, she has the power to fight back against Klaus.  And I THIS realization on Elena’s part (along with her TERRIFYINGLY TRAUMATIC near-death experience), that causes the Petrova Doppelganger to gain an understanding of why Damon did what he did to her, and recognize that it might not have been such an awful thing to do, after all. 

We definitely see an unspoken understanding form between Damon and Elena, in the final moments of the episode.   And I actually think THIS is where that understanding begins . . .

When it comes time for Jenna to take HER part in the Sacrifice, as signified by the lights going out in HER Burning Ring of Fire, Stefan appears in the distance, to offer up a little “barter and exchange,” one vampire for another . . .

“Just in case you needed evidence of what a FINE vampire specimen I am . . .”

Klaus looks at Stefan, intrigued (and slightly turned on) . . . “Very well, what can I do for you?”  Klaus inquires politely.

Speaking of fine male specimens . . .

Have you ever wished someone would leave a Hot Naked Man on your doorstep?


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Christmas, apparently, came a few months Early in Mystic Falls . . .

After escaping Were Tyler, Caroline and Matt lock themselves up in Caroline’s house where they can be bored safe together. 


“I keep expecting your mom to barge through the door with a chainsaw, and murder us all!”

Now that Caroline and Matt finally have a little down time, they could talk about what a Monumental Douchebag he’s been, the past few episodes!  Matt explains to Caroline, how he pretended to succumb to her compulsion, after watching both Season 1 and Season 2 of TVD on DVD . . .

As we well know, he then went and ratted Caroline out to her the World’s Worst Mother, Lizard Forbes.  “So, where does that leave us now?”  Caroline wonders.  DUMP HIM, CAROLINE!  DUMP HIM HARD! 

“It leaves us stuck in the house, trying not to get malled by our friend,” replies Matt.  (OK .  . . I’ll admit it.  That was a pretty funny line.  And yet . . .)

Friends don’t shoot friends . . .

Do you think my mom wants to kill me?”  Caroline wonders, in the Saddest Little Voice Ever.

“She doesn’t know what she wants to do with you.  Because, really, what are parents supposed to DO with their kids anyway.  Parenting is so darn confusing!”  Matt replies.

Then, there is loud thump at the door.  And for a second, I really did believe it was Lizard Forbes, preparing to go postal . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty.  And your little werewolf too!”

But it was something WAY better than that.  “Give me your jacket,” Caroline scolds, taking charge once again. 

Caroline rushes outside to find THIS laying naked on her doorstep . . .

After doing a little Dance of Joy around her front porch.  (Where all the BEST Forwood action happens anyway, right Cherie?)  Caroline strategically drapes Matt’s coat over Tyler’s man parts.  (Gee, ya think Matt’s going to want that back?) 

There’s a scene in the Southern Vampire Mysteries Book Series (on which True Blood is based), where, after being cursed by an evil witches spell, which gives him amnesia, one of the main characters is told to run in the direction of the one woman he truly loves.  And that character, not remembering ANYTHING else, still, on some level, is able to follow his heart, and find the Right Girl.  I would like to think that the same sort of INSTINCTUAL memory prompted Tyler, while still in werewolf form and injured, to drag himself toward Caroline’s porch.  Because, of all the places in Mystic Falls, THAT is the one where he feels most at home.

Gee, I wonder why? 😉

Just like after his first werewolf transformation, Tyler’s eyes flutter open, and the first face he sees, is that of the woman he loves.  “Caroline?”  He asks tentatively, his face a mixture of relief, love, comfort, and utter sadness.

“It’s OK, Tyler . . . it’s OK,” Caroline replies, looking deep into his brown eyes, as she rubbs his shoulders affectionately.

Unlike the time earlier in the episode, where Elena uttered these SAME words to Aunt Jenna.  This time, I actually BELIEVE them.  And I think Tyler does too . . .

“I’ll drink to that!”

“Can We Just Skip to the ‘Save Elena’ Part”

Good news, guys!  Uncle/ Father John knows of a plan that could save Elena from being a vampire!  When the rest of the Scooby Gang arrive, he starts waxing poetically about some dying mother and her unborn baby.    Apparently, Witch Emily was able to PROTECT this mother-daughter pair (well, at least one of them) from death, by ensuring the intact nature of their souls.

(Like Damon, I’ll admit I zoned out through most of this part.  But it actually makes a lot of sense by the end of the episode. So, bear with me . . .)  Long-story short, Bonnie plans to use the SAME spell that Emily used on the Mother and Baby on Elena and Uncle / Father John.  Damon is skeptical of the plan, thinking it’s all a bunch of hooey.  But Uncle/ Father John seems DETERMINED that his daughter stay human, so . . .

When it comes time for Bonnie and Damon to leave for the Sacrifice Scrappy Doo Mini Gilbert, of course wants to come too!  So, what does Bonnie do, she makes out with him, and knocks him unconscious with her Disgusting Dragon Breath witchy ways. 

“Seriously?  AGAIN!  This SUCKS Monkey BUTT!  Then again, the fact that I didn’t get my ass kicked ONCE this episode, shows at least SOME signs of improvement . . .”

Jeremy shouldn’t feel too bad though.  At least he will have company!  Uncle / Father John is staying home from the Save Elena Games.  And apparently, so is Alaric . . .

“What?  You mean I don’t get to go either?  But I ALWAYS get to go!  I’m one-half of Team Bad Ass DAMMIT!”

Apparently, Bonnie and Damon thought Alaric’s love for Useless Aunt Jenna made him a liability.  So, they did to HIM the same thing they did to ELENA when SHE tried to throw herself at Klaus’ feet the first time . . .

The Poo HITS the FAN, Big TIME!

Back at the Olympic Burning Rings of Fire, Jenna tries to use her newfound vampire hearing to figure out what the heck Klaus and Stefan are gossiping about . . .

“So, do you, like, use a special shampoo, or something, to get your hair to look all shiny like that, because I’ve tried just about EVERY haircare product on the market.  And mine is just dullsville.  I envy you, and your Super Hero Hair Stefan Salvatore.”

Jenna reluctantly tells Elena that her BOYFRIEND has offered himself up, in exchange for Jenna.  (Now, THAT’S awkward.)  Elena, understandably, is horrified by the idea.  Does she want to keep around the Shrink she has Sex with, or the Aunt, who has her OWN sex, while Elena watches?  Decisions, decisions.  When Stefan gets thrown into Burning Ring of Fire One in Jenna’s place, Elena is both touched by her boyfriend’s kind gesture, and frightened as all heck!

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Now, this was a PRETTY sneaky move on the part of the TVD writers.  After all, MOST OF US knew that Stefan and Elena would both make it to the Season Finale.  So, the fact that Jenna, was no longer sitting in the burning ring, probably gave SOME of us, myself included, a false sense of security.  And it was that sense of security that was RIPPED TO SHREDS, when Klaus impulsively announced that he had OTHER plans for Stefan, and therefore, wanted him to survive. 

(What PLANS?  Does Klaus want Stefan to join the Were Vamp army?  Does he want Stefan to get DAMON to join the Were Vamp Army?  Does he want Stefan to give him more Hair Care tips?  Something tells me that we will have to wait until next season to find out . . .)

Klaus then puts Elena’s So-Called Savior out of commission (at least for a few moments by breaking his neck, and staking him).

Something tells me that’s going to hurt in the morning!

Elena looks at Jenna, in terror.  But her aunt seems oddly determined.  “I know what I have to do,” says Jenna, with more verve and intensity than we’ve seen from the character all season. 

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(SERIOUSLY, Sara Canning was ON FIRE this episode!  It makes you understand just how CRIMINALLY under-used her acting talents were on this show.  Useless Aunt Jenna, could have realy kicked ass . . . if she wasn’t so . .  . useless most of the time.)

Knowing she can’t defeat Klaus, Jenna lashes out at GRETA, which, if you think about it, is a pretty genius move.  After all, without a WITCH to say the spell, Klaus can’t complete the ritual.  The only problem is that Poor Newbie Vamp Jenna isn’t well versed in the Creative Killing Tactics of Salvatore Brothers and Originals, like, for example, the Bold De-Harting . . .

. . . or the Nifty Neck Snap.  So, Jenna, instead opts for the Good Old Fashioned NECK BITE, which . . . well . . . it basically does nothing.  Greta looks more annoyed, than truly in pain. 

A heart-tugging, tear inducing look is exchanged between an inconsolate Elena, and a now truly terrified Jenna, as both come to the horrifying, not to mention, massively depressing, realization that this is going to be literally the LAST TIME they will ever see one another “alive.”

With no other options available to her, a tearful Elena gives her aunt the ONLY piece of advice that a person who’s death is imminent really wants to hear:  how to die without fear . . . or pain.  “Just turn it off . . . Turn it off, Jenna.  You won’t be scared, anymore.”

We can’t know for sure whether Aunt Jenna ultimately opted to turn off her emotions in the final moments of her life.  However, the surprisingly peaceful expression on her face, after Klaus drained her of blood . . . gives us some clue that she might have done just that . . .

OK . . . I lied.  That doesn’t look “peaceful” at all.  She looks scared sh*tless.  Man, this show is depressing!

If you weren’t crying by this point, Elena’s shout of anguish as her ineffectual, but well-meaning, and loveable guardian, bit the Big One, most certainly had you reaching for Box of Kleenex.  Still, more tears follow, when Stefan awakens and finds Jenna’s lifeless body lying just outside the burning ring.  “I’m sorry, he mouths to his girlfriend, who’s family member he WASN’T able to save.”

Elena puts her finger to her lips.  “Shhh . . . KILL HIM,” she whispers.

You know . . . when Useless Aunt Jenna (R.I.P. Girlfriend) is the Smartest Girl at the Party, something is WRONG with this picture.  Don’t try to kill KLAUS, Stefan!  Kill GRETA!  BREAK HER NECK!  RIP OUT HER HEART!  Do something, aside from haphazardly throwing yourself at Klaus, and FAILING . . . AGAIN.

But fail again, Stefan does.  And, the next thing you know, the lights at Burning Ring of Fire Number 2 are out.  And Klaus has Elena in his grubby hands.  Now, he’s groping her, like a drunken college fratboy.  She is not amused .  . .

KLAUS:  “The moonlight . . . the candles  . . . the dead bodies . .  . I don’t know about you, but I find this all incredibly romantic.”

Ever the gentleman, Klaus politely thanks Elena for her services on Team Sacrifice.  “Go to hell,” Elena snarls. 

So, Klaus does . . .  but he brings ELENA right along with him . . .

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Poor Stefan, he’s been pretty much all Water Works, all episode.  And for good reason.  With Elena down, Klaus drops the Moonstone into the cauldron, and to the tune of Greta’s insufferable chanting of gibberish, begins his were-tranformation . . .

A face not even a mother could love . . .

But just when it seems like all hope is lost . . .

All Hail Team Scooby!

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Bonnie comes seemingly out of nowhere, bringing Klaus to his knees with her massive Firestarter Power.  From the other side of the park, Damon magically appears . . .

. . . and does exactly what Stefan SHOULD have done about 20 minutes ago.  He BREAKS GRETA’S NECK, in one sharp SNAP!

Damon than picks up a lifeless Elena and gallantly carries her body over to Stefan.  But Stefan surprises his brother, by NOT taking her in his arms.  “I need you to take her out of here.  I’m not leaving, until he is dead,”  explains Stefan.  (My, my, my . .  . how the roles have reversed.)

I was happy though . . . because I got to see this . . .

I mean, seriously, how much better forshadowing can us Delena fans get?  The dude CARRIED ELENA to safety AND over the proverbial threshold, into her HOME! 

But just when you think it can’t get any better, IT DOES!

My heart literally leapt out of my chest, walked over to the television screen, and nuzzled up to Damon’s face, as he gently and loving caressed Elena’s unconscious face, in a move that reminded me VERY much of THIS early TVD scene . . .

“If you come back a vampire, Elena.  I will have to stake you myself.  So, DON’T.  Because I can’t stand the idea of you hating me, forever,” Damon whispers.

As if in answer to his prayers, Elena awakens . . .

“How do you feel?”  Damon asks tentatively.

“I feel fine,” Elena replies incredulously.

Remember when I told you that Jenna felt DIFFERENT when in transition.  Well, Elena, based on her response, is still human.  The question is how? 

More about that in a bit, for now, I want to get a bit more Delana-y with you . . .

That look Elena gives Damon when she first wakes up!  Delena fans will undoubtedly analyze this look ALL SUMMER, along with the one the pair exchange at the funeral, later in the episode.  There are a lot of similarities between this look, and the one Tyler gives Caroline, when he awakens from his werewolf state.  Elena too, has had somewhat of a rebirth in these last few minutes.  She has LITERALLY died, and been reborn.

Clearly, something has changed regarding Elena’s feelings for Damon, since their last encounter.  But what?  Has Elena softened toward Damon, because, in facing the True Death, she has finally come to terms with the fact that she wants to live.  Has Elena begun to grudgingly see the positive sides of vampirism, as I mentioned above?  Or is it something more . . .

Recall that Damon once, not to long ago, told Elena he loved her, and compelled her to forget it . . .

 You may also recall that as a vampire, you can remember all instances of compulsion you experienced as a human . . .

Could Elena suddenly be REMEMBERING Damon’s sacrificial declaration of love for her?  But wait . . . that doesn’t make sense.  After all, I just said Elena is HUMAN.  So, how could she remember something like that?  You might wonder.  Well . . . I think, based on the loosey goosey way she was able to STAY human, that she might actually remember it. 

And to that plot development, I say . . .

But we are getting a bit ahead of yourselves here . . .  Let’s take a step back for a moment, and figure out how Elena managed to stay HUMAN, after clearly dying with vampire blood in her system.

The Ultimate Sacrifice

Aside from read books, and write a letter with his severely bandaged hands . . .

Ahhh memories . . .

Uncle / Father John hasn’t done much this episode.  And yet, as Elena is waking up in Damon’s arms, U.F.J. is handing Jeremy a letter and a ring, with instructions to give them to Elena.  With one last look at the house, he then walks outside.  The moment Elena awakens, he falls to the floor . .  . dead.

Remember how we talked a bit about that spell Emily did on the mother and the baby.  Well, apparently the mother gave HER life, and her soul to the baby, so that the baby could be reborn.  That was Uncle/Father John’s final gift to his daughter: the gift of a second chance at REAL life.  All U.F.J. ever really wanted for his daughter was for her NOT to become a vampire.  And now (at least for another season) she won’t be . . .

Now, I’m just wondering who the HECK is going to get custody of these two underage teens, who LITERALLY have no family left on Earth.   Maybe Alaric can adopt?

Speaking of Alaric . . . poor guy!  Lost another woman to vampirism!  The look on his face, when he foudn out Jenna didn’t survive the Sacrifice ritual was horrifying.  He and Jeremy just can’t seem to catch a break.  Can they?

But WAIT . . . what about KLAUS . . . and ELIJAH?

Elijah Do-Little

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Back at the site, the Scooby Gang’s Save Elena / Kill Klaus plan seems to be going as planned.  Bonnie is doing her Crazy Ass witch thing, Elena is alive, human and safe, Greta is dead, and Klaus is close to it.  Now, all they have to do is wait for Elijah to finish him off . . .

But NOOOOO!  Just when Elijah ACTUALLY has his hand inside Klaus’ chest, and is ready to make the final pull, a skill we all KNOW he’s incredibly adept at . . .

Klaus has to go and open his Big Fat Mouth, and tell some Big Fat Sob Story, about how he DIDN’T actually bury his family at sea. like Osama Bin Laden.  (Presumably, this means that the family of Originals can be brought back to life, just in time for next season, no doubt.)  Did I mention that Klaus KNOWS where the bodies are (or so he says), and promises to take Elijah to them, if he lets him life? 

“Quite the conundrum I’m in here.  Follow my Crazy Pants  Brother on a Wild Goose Chase to find my long lost relatives, or help these misfits I barely know kill the last member of family I have.  Hmmmm . . . I wonder what I should do?”

And so, with a quick half-assed apology at the remaining Scooby Gang members, Eljah escapes with the now Were-Vamp Klaus to parts unknown . . .

I hate to say it (because I loved me some hot Delena moments), but Damon would NEVER have let this happen, if he was there . . .

Speaking of hot moments . . .

What you got under that blanket?

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“So, I guess it’s true what they say about men with big hands.”

While naked Tyler is in Caroline’s bed (HELL YEAH!) sleeping off his were-bender, Matt is giving Caroline the Big Ole’ kiss off.   “So, this is you’re life, huh?”  Matt asks, conversationally.  “Never a dull moment.”

Unlike MY life, which tends to be jam-packed with Dull Moments.

In what was probably the LONGEST version of the “It’s not you.  It’s me.”  speech I have ever heard, Matt tells Caroline how much fun he’s had with her over the past few days (while he was pretending NOT to think she was a Brain Eating Zombie), BUT he doesn’t feel like he can handle her Hardcore Vampire Lifestyle.  He’s got other things to think about, like his lame job at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and his Slutty Mom, and his Dead Sister.  So, yeah, greener pastures, I guess . . .

Matt would prefer to live his life in a fog, and forget vampires and werewolves ever existed, then to spend time with the woman he supposedly loves, who just so happens to occasionally, drink Red Stuff from a hospital bag .  . .

Oh, well!  If you can’t take the Forwood Heat, get your ass out of Caroline’s house . . . 

 (Admittedly, though I mock it here, because this recap never seems to end, and I’m getting a bit cranky, this annoying scene did show tremendous acting ability on Roerig’s part.  And since I’m a staunch Forwoody, it even made me smile.)

But on to the good stuff . . . Tyler wakes up, wanders down stairs, and sidles up to a sad Caroline on the couch.

TYLER:  “Man, I’m in pain.  What the heck did I do last night?”

CAROLINE:  “Umm . . . Tyler . . . I’m pregnant.”

Undoubtedly, a bit embarrassed about whatever Werewolf Hijinks he may have engaged in, the night before (though, clearly, not embarrassed enough to put on a pair of pants before coming downstairs – and THANK GOD, for that!), Tyler wonders outloud whether, what Caroline said to him the night before was right.  Maybe he should have stayed away from Mystic Falls, after all.  “You shouldn’t have left,” Caroline corrects him.

“Awwwww yeah, she SO wants me!”

The way Tyler and Caroline relate to one another is just so uniquely special and so natural, you just can’t help but smile when you watch them together.  I loved how, in this scene, the pair repeatedly waver back and forth between the expression of serious feelings and joking easy-going banter, knowing instinctively that using the latter, will help them comfortably ease their way into the former.  Like in this moment, when Tyler jokes that he tried to kill her . . . twice.  (That happens A LOT on this show, doesn’t it?)

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“No friendship is perfect,” jokes Caroline.

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See, what I mean?  I mean what OTHER couple could joke and laugh about the topic of Involuntary Man (Wolf?)slaughter?

Yeah . .  . them too, I guess.

But then, when Caroline’s laughter turns to tears, Tyler is serious again, and prepared to comfort the woman he clearly loves so much . . .

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And when Caroline tells Tyler that Matt broke up with her, Tyler does a REALLY GOOD JOB of looking genuinely sad for her, even though we all know that, inside, he’s wanting very much to do THIS . . .

. . . and maybe even a little bit of THIS . . .

“So what do I do in this situation?”  Tyler genuinely wants to know, biting his lower lip in happiness, as Caroline snuggles closer to him.

“Instead of bailing again, you say, ‘Thank you for taking care of me.  Sorry I tried to chow down on you again.'”

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Tyler whispers in Caroline’s ear, as she nestles up close to him, feeling safe and truly loved for the first time in as long as she can remember.

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And now that all are hearts are FILLED with the Warm Fuzziness of Forwoody Goodness, I regret to inform you that we have a funeral to attend . . . well . . . two funerals.

Saying Goodbye

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Now, normally, I’d say Hard Core Eye Fuckery is inappropriate at the funeral of your Parental Guardian and Bio Dad.  But since it’s Delena, I’m totally cool with it!

Though the sun had in fact risen, and was shining high in the sky, at the conclusion of “The Sun Also Rises,” the tone was undoubtedly somber, as Elena and Jeremy buried their only remaining parental figures, Uncle/Father John and No-Longer Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

In a very sweet, but extremely poignant, moment, Jeremy and Elena both tried to stay strong for one another, as they comforted eachother in Elena’s bedroom, just moments before their hastily patched together Double Family Funeral.  (Jenna and John would be buried in secret,  right alongside Elena’s adoptive parents, so as not to stir suspicion among the town residents.)  Elena apologized to Jeremy for all the people he had lost in his young life.  And Jeremy, in turn, gave Elena John’s final gifts to her: the letter he had written and his Ring of Immortality.

We watched as Elena sat by the window, and sadly read her father’s last words to her . . .

What follows is John’s letter, in its entirety:

Elena,

It’s no easy task being an ordinary parent to an extrordinary child. I failed in that task. And because of my prejudices, I failed you. I am haunted by how things might have turned out differently if I had been more willing to hear your side of things. For me it’s the end. For you, a chance to grow old and someday do better with your own child than I did with mine. It’s for that child that I give you my ring. I don’t ask for your forgiveness or for you to forget. I ask only that you believe this: whether you are now reading this as a human or as a vampire, I love you all the same, as I’ve always loved you and always will.

John

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At the funeral the entire REMAINING Scooby Gang gathered and left roses on the Gilbert gravestone.

After exchanging some VERY meaningful looks with Elena at the cemetery (hint, hint, wink wink), Damon FINALLY came clean to Stefan about the secret he was hiding.  Tyler had bit him.  He was marked for death.

“We will find something . . . a cure,” said Stefan resolutely.

“There is no cure, Stefan,” replied Damon morosely.

But Stefan refused to accept the loss of his brother, “We kept Elena human.  We found a way when there was no way.   We will do this.”

“You wanna do something for me?”  Damon asked.  “Keep this from Elena.  The last thing she needs is another grave to mourn.”

And with that, Damon walked off into the sunset, ALONE, as we all blew our noses, and reached for the now-empty box of Kleenex.

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Where have all the HUMANS gone? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Last Day”

Pop Quiz Fangbanger How many humans are in this picture?  (Hint:  It’s a trick question.) 

USELESS AUNT JENNA:  “OK, that was NOT COOL!  The only thing I wanted injected in me tonight, was ALARIC’S CHUNKY MONKEY!

Personally, I think humanity is overrated.  I mean, think about it  . . . You get married.  You pop out a few pups.  You grow old and wrinkly.  You die.  What’s the fun in THAT?

Apparently, the writers of The Vampire Diaries agree with me.  Because they have taken Mystic Falls’ Team Human, and systematically smashed it to smithereens, over the course of two seasons . . .

Be afraid, Normal Boy!  Be VERY AFRAID!

But, you see, that’s what I LOVE about this show!  The Vampire Diaries doesn’t give a Flying F*&k about the rules or conventions of typical television dramas (like the one that says you can only kill off one or two major characters, a season . . . or the one that says HUMANS are “important.”).  And that’s how TVD keeps viewers returning every single week:  by repeatedly defying their expectations, and challenging what they think they know about the characters on their television screen.  Of course, having THESE to show off on a weekly basis doesn’t hurt either .  . .

Hold on to your panties, Fangbangers!  And prepare to have your minds blown.  Because we are about to recap what may go down in television history as “The Last Day” of TVD, as we once knew it . . .

Blah, blah, blah Sacrifice, blah (HEY!  Is that Shirtless Damon on my screen?)

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I’m sorry, Elijah, were you saying something?  Because I was . . . distracted.

The episode begins with a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation in La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Elijah is downstairs explaining the logistics of the Sacrifice to Stefan and Elena, while Damon is upstairs . . . in bed  .  . . NAKED . . . and GULPING.  Clearly, someone in the writer’s room doesn’t want us listening to Elijah (Klaus, is that YOU?).  Whoever this person is, his devious plan has worked!  Because two minutes later, I wake up from my trance, to find Damon all DRESSED . . .

Now, right then and there, we should have known things were going to go VERY wrong for Damon, this week.  If you recall, the LAST time Damon was shirtless on TVD was the Controversial Moonstone in Soap Dish Incident . . .

And we all know how THAT turned out!  So, in conclusion, Shirtless Damon = Good for US;  Extremely Bad for HIM!

Then again, maybe it’s bad for me too.  Because now I’ve got to figure out what Elijah said to Elena, while I was fondling Damon’s chest, in my dreams . . .

Looking back, I THINK that Elijah was talking about the “ingredients” of the Sacrifice Ritual that could be used to break Klaus’ “You Can’t Be a Were-Vamp, Too Bad, So Sad for YOU” Curse.  Coincidentally (or, perhaps, not so, coincidentally), those ingredients just so happen to be the SAME INGREDIENTS Klaus listed in his FAKE Aztec Sun and Moon Curse, namely: a Full Moon, the Moonstone, a vampire, a werewolf, and the BLOOD of a Doppelganger, which Klaus must DRINK in order to complete the ritual.

ELIJAH:  “Would you like me to repeat that again, now that Damon has his shirt back on, and has stopped seductively gulping?’

STEFAN and ELENA:  “Yes, please!”

So, then Damon magically appears.  And he asks Elijah the STELLAR question of WHY they have to wait until the Full Moon to kill Klaus, when they could just use Bonnie to do it RIGHT NOW!  “Because Bonnie would DIE!”  Elena replies. 

“We’ll write her a great eulogy,” replies Damon.

You know, I’d actually be OK with that plan . . . after all, Stefan and Elena are great writers.  That’s why they both keep DIARIES!

Now, I’m as big of an Eliah Fan, as the next gal.  But even I have to admit, for all his cool magical powers and de-hearting abilities, the Original’s ACTUAL plan to save Elena from certain death was disappointingly lame.  Come ON!  A Fake Death Elixir?  What is this Romeo and Juliet?  Didn’t we just do the whole “Fake Death” thing with Bonnie?  Do we really think that THE All-Powerful Klaus is dumb enough to fall for the same trick twice?

ELIJAH:  “Would it help if I told you the elixir tastes like chocolate milk?”

To make matters worse, since the last Petrova Doppelganger .  . . ummmm . . . VAMPED out on Klaus (foreshadowing much?), Elijah never actually got the chance to try out his little drink recipe.  So, it’s not a sure thing.  Nor does Elijah seem entirely sure that Bonnie won’t die ANYWAY, while she is using her powers to murder the momentarily vulnerable were-transforming Klaus.  In short, Elijah’s Big Plan, seems like a Big Ole Load of Crap to Me . . .

Are you sure about that, buddy?  Because it’s starting to sound like we CAN .  . .

Conveniently enough, when Damon suggests that Elena wear the Ring of Immortality (something we actually KNOW works) to help stave off permanent death, during the ritual, Elijah shuts that idea down as well.  “The ring only works on humans.  The Doppelganger is a supernatural occurrence.”

A-HA!  So, Elena is NOT entirely human!  She’s a FAIRY, like Sookie on True Blood.  That’s why all the boys want to bone her.  The plot thickens . . .

Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon chugs down his Power Breakfast of Bourbon and Tears . . .

While Damon tries his very best to get wasted before 10 a.m., Stefan lectures him about the importance of trusting in Elena (even though her plan to save her own life, now seems MORE RIDICULOUS THAN EVER)!

STEFAN:  “Yeah, I don’t think the plan’s going to work either.  But by pretending I do, my chances of getting laid tonight, by the Girl of Our Mutual Dreams increases tenfold . . .”

DAMON:  “Well, in that case . . .”

This Brotherly Bonding Session is interrupted by a screaming Useless Aunt Jenna, who is currently threatening Alaric with his own CROSSBOW!  (I’m liking this chick more, by the minute.  That probably means she’s going to die soon . . .)

Alaric quickly proves he’s no longer AlarKlaus, by beginning to share with the Scooby Gang some kinky sex story about how Jeremy walked in on him and Jenna playing Hide the Salami in the Gilbert Home . . .

So, BOTH Gilbert kids caught Alaric and Jenna en flagrante!  Clearly, these two are Closet Exhibitionists.

Once the crew is convinced that Alaric is not going to (1) compel any of them to stab themselves in the leg; or (2) start dedicating cheesy old love songs to them, the weapons are lowered, and Alaric is allowed to deliver his message.  “The Sacrifice Ritual is to take place tonight,” he says, ominously.

With that pesky errand out of the way, Alaric is allowed to have a seat in the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  There, he can put his feet up, and reminisce with his old pals about the Good Old Days of AlarKlaus.  (Like that time when he threatened his girlfriend with a butcher knife . . . FUN!)  Elena quickly tires of these old war stories, and wanders up to Damon’s bedroom, where, you might have noticed, she has been spending quite a bit of time lately . . . *clears throat*

Love is Never Having to Say “I Made You Drink My Arm.”

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There’s nothing like a little FORCE FEEDING to ruin an otherwise Perfectly Good Romantic Moment Between Two Extremely Attractive, and Sexually Active, Individuals!  What’s the deal, TVD writers?  Did a Delena Fan pee in your Cheerios?  Why can’t we ever catch a break, huh?  

I’m going to let you watch the scene in its entirety first.  And then we can talk about it . . .

What’s interesting about this scene is how much it parallels the one from “The Last Dance.”  In both cases, we have Elena approaching Damon in his bedroom, in hopes of coming to an understanding with him about certain decisions that have been made relating to the Sacrifice. 

On one level (at least, until the force feeding happens) it’s a sweet, and straight forward scene, in which Elena tries to assure Damon that she will NOT die in the Sacrifice, and that she will, in fact, return to him.  In return, Damon tries to convey to Elena how risky this undertaking is, how much he fears for her safety, and how much he can’t bear the thought of her no longer being in his world.  “I can’t lose you,” he admits to her.

Notice how Damon and Elena move continuously closer to one another as they speak.  The scene is deceptive in that way, in that it APPEARS as though the pair are coming to understand where eachother are coming from, and finally finding common ground. 

Interestingly enough, just like in that OTHER scene, communications between the pair break down, at what, on the surface, seems like the most intimate moment between them.  In “The Last Dance” when Damon said, “I’ll always choose you,” Elena was clearly moved by the extent of his affection for her. 

Likewise, here, when Elena holds and massages Damon’s hands, looking deeply into his eyes, as she says, “It’s my life, my choice,” Damon seems literally swept off his feet, by the clear evidence that Elena truly cares for him.  Damon keeps staring from Elena’s hands, back to her eyes, as if he can’t believe she is showing him so much love and trust.  Elena smiles, thinking that she has finally got through to him. 

But she hasn’t.  And it is at THIS MOMENT that you can SEE Damon planning out exactly what his next move is going to be.  And it involves, of all things, the HANDS, or rather, the arms . . .

When Elena turns to leave, Damon hesitates, for a moment, just as Elena did in the final moments of “The Last Dance,” when she turned back to face Damon one final time, before she headed to the cellar to de-stake Elijah.  But, ultimately, just like Elena did then, Damon pushes all doubts about what he’s going to do out of his mind.  He corners Elena at the door.  And THIS happens . . .

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“Now be a good little girl, and drink your blood.  Open WIDE .  . . here comes the Choo Choo Train!”

Then Stefan comes in.   And the two brothers start beating the sh*t out of eachother AGAIN . . . at least, until Damon STAKES Stefan.  And if you thought the romantic mood was ruined before, it’s SO Dead and Buried NOW!

“You are SUCH a cock block, Stefan Salvatore!”

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t actually think that becoming a vampire (at least, in terms of how the show portrays the existence) is this Big Awful Thing that Elena believes it is.  (More on THAT later.)  But DAMON does. 

Remember, this is the Damon who cried in The Descent (more foreshadowing) about how much he missed his humanity.  This is also the Damon who held a grudge against Stefan for a CENTURY for manipulating him into turning into a vampire, all those years ago, when DAMON wanted die, after seemingly losing Katherine FOREVER.

Is anyone else as extremely turned on by this as I am?

In fact, nothing if not self aware, DAMON, himself, realizes the inconsistency of his actions, when he says to Elena, almost comically, “Go ahead, wish me an eternity of misery.  Believe me, you’ll get over it.”

But it’s clear that, by the time Alaric and Jenna come to break up the fight (Boy, Jenna really got a Crash Course in Vampirism in the past two episodes, didn’t she?), Damon has already realized the error of his ways.  And this is why he spends the rest of the episode trying to right his wrongs, by attempting to foil Klaus’ Sacrifice Ritual, in order to buy Elena another month, so that the next time, she can go about defeating Klaus in her extremely dumb way.

“You know, she will never forgive you,” Elijah tells Damon (Perhaps, talking from personal experience?).  “And for a vampire, NEVER is an extremely long time.”

Unfortunately, grudges and the inability to let go are things DAMON understands all too well . . .

As Stefan drinks from a blood bag, and learns a very important lesson about how you shouldn’t “run with lamp posts,” Alaric and the No Longer All that Useless Aunt Jenna share a sweet moment outside Damon’s bedroom — one which only seems to further fortell Jenna’s DOOM.  “I’m glad you’re OK,” U.A.J. whispers, before she pulls Alaric in for a kiss . . .

Nothing like being possessed by an Evil Vampire to make your girlfriend conveniently forget that you never told her you were MARRIED . . .

Meanwhile, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Lizard Forbes Strikes Again (Can someone please KILL HER already?)

To Do List:  (1) Seduce daughter’s soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.   (2) Plot daughter’s murder with soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.  (3) Eat puppies and kittens for lunch.    (4) Kick babies in the head for fun.  (5) Perform various acts of devil worship at the Local Church.

Caroline visits Matt Donovass Benedict Arnold at work.  She’s happy and perky, and doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary in their MASSIVE SHAM of a relationship.  They make out, and I throw up in my mouth a little bit.

CAROLINE:  “You smell like my mom.  The two of you must use the same cologne and aftershave.”

MATT: “Not usually, but she let me borrow hers this morning after our shower.”

CAROLINE:  “What?”

MATT:  “Oh nothing . . .”

Caroline excuses herself, to go run a few errands.  So, Matt immediately rushes over to the next table to gossip with Lizard, and plot his girlfriend’s demise . . .

In Matt’s (slight) defense, he does seem to have eased up a bit on the GALLONS of Lizard Kool Aid he’s been drinking over the course of the past few episodes.  “Caroline seems pretty much to be EXACTLY the same person she’s always been, since he met her.  So, why are we so intent on killing her again?”  Matt wonders.

“Open your legs and spread em . . . Oh, and pull down your pants too . . . It’s standard police procedure.”

“Because I’m an evil harpy, with no redeeming personality traits.”  Lizard replies.   Apparently, having been raised to despise all vampires, and having been fooled so completely by Damon, Lizard would rather kill her own daughter, than believe that a vampire could actually be a kind and decent being.  And here’s what I have to say about that . . .

Seeing that she no longer has his full support, Lizard kicks Matt out of the Kill Caroline Club.  Seemingly having seen the error of his ways, Matt calls Caroline (we assume) to warn her about her murderous mom.  But given his actions later, we can’t help but wonder whether he ACTUALLY called to lure her into some sort of trap . . .

“So, I was thinking maybe you and I could go out hunting on our next date.  Well, actually, I’d hunt, and you’d be the target.  It worked for Dick Cheney!”

 Also hanging out at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Team Bad Ass (Reunited and it feels SO GOOD!)

ALARIC:  “So, I was thinking that tonight (like every night) we’d celebrate me getting my body back, by getting completely wasted and trying to recreate our own version of the movie The Hangover.”

DAMON: “Fine . . . but I get to be Bradley Cooper’s character.”

ALARIC: *pouts*  “But I wanted to be HIM!”

Since the acts of (1) ensuring the Love of his Life an eternity of Miserable Bloodsucker-dom; and (2) almost murdering his brother with his favorite lamp TOTALLY killed his morning buzz, Damon decides to head back to the bar and commence with some SERIOUS catch up boozing.  Alchy Alaric, of course, is more than happy to join in the festivities.  “I screwed up,” Damon mopes.

“Yeah, you did,” replies Alaric.  (I LOVE THESE TWO!)

But alas, this bromantic buddy moment is interrupted by an unwelcome guest  . . . “Why so glum?” Inquires someone VERY BRITISH.

“Ughhhh . . . Klaus, I presume,” scoffs Damon (mimicking his ICONIC “Ughhh, who cares” line from one of Blogger Pal Amy’s favorite Delena scenes from Season 1 of the show).

DAMON: “I liked you better when you were Alaric.”

After thanking the Drunken History Teacher for the “loner” of his body, Klaus turns his attention to Damon, who, taking a page out of Mr. “I Don’t Believe in Confrontation” Stefan’s book, politely asks Klaus if he could .  . . you know . . . maybe wait a month, before killing Elena, and beginning his Quest for World Domination.  But Klaus, having already waited 500 YEARS for the opportunity to perform this ritual, isn’t in a particularly patient mood.  “The Sacrifice is tonight . .  . don’t screw it up,” Klaus warns, before exiting Stage Left.

“You’re going to screw it up, aren’t you?”  Alaric asks, with mild amusement.

“You’ll help, right?” Damon asks, already knowing what the answer will be.

And with that, Team Bad Ass stumbles out of the bar on a mission that will undoubtedly be EPIC . . .

These two REALLY need their own theme song.  Any suggestions?

Speaking of walking (and walking . . . and walking . . .)

Shrink Stefan and his “Miraculous” Waterfall Therapy

STEFAN:  “So, Elena.  Tell me about your parents untimely death, and how it made you FEEL . .  . Oh, wait .  . . never mind . . . I was there.”

I’m seriously starting to wonder if, during part of his 160 plus years on Earth, Stefan went to medical school and opened his own psychiatric practice.  Because, seriously, this guy is more into talking about “feelings” than any other non-shrink male I’ve ever seen!  And when Stefan begins to recognize that Elena might by holding back her feelings about very likely becoming a vampire in the immediate future, he spends the rest of the episode trying to get her to “OPEN UP” to him. 

(So .  . . basically, this week, we have one brother Kicking Ass and Taking Names, and the other one Getting Teary Eyed over Pretty Waterfalls.  Not judging . . . just sayin’.)

“Look Elena . . . a DOUBLE RAINBOW!  It’s SO BEAUTIFUL!”

Stefan brings Elena to an admittedly picturesque waterfall, and suggests they climb to the top of it.  “Today is all about YOU,” he tells her (which would be a whole lot nicer of a sentiment, if Elena didn’t seem so completely AGAINST the idea of an extended hike).

ELENA:  “Can’t we just stay home and watch episodes of True Blood on DVD or something?”

I’ll admit I giggled a bit, when Elena inquired as to why Stefan wasn’t going to use his Super Power Vampire Jumpy Thing to get her to the top of the mountain. 

*Edward Cullen scoffs judgmentally at the notion of allowing one’s human girlfriend to (gasp) ACTUALLY USE HER FEET*

Despite Elena’s continual complaints, Stefan and Elena eventually hike up to the top of a mountain, while Stefan gently, but persistently, prods Elena to bare her soul to him.  (Now, if this was DAMON and Elena at the top of the mountain, I’m guessing that SOUL baring would probably not be of the utmost concern.  Methinks those two would be spending Elena’s Final Day as a Human screwing like bunny rabbits on that mountain top!)

But FEELINGS is what Stefan wants.  So feelings is what Stefan is going to get .  . .

Though the pair is generally pretty open (almost to a fault) regarding other aspects of their relationship, the notion of Eternity Together was a topic regularly skirted by this couple.  Much of this, I suspect, had to do with the fact that Elena was never really “into” the whole idea of “living forever.”  And Stefan, who instinctively knew this, felt that having that information out in the open would put a serious damper on their sex lives.

ELENA:  “I wonder if the two of us will still be this good in bed, when we are both old and . . . oops, never mind.”

But after HOURS of relentless prodding on Stefan’s part, Elena FINALLY breaks down and monologues about how she looked forward to a life of making choices.  She wanted to have babies, and get married, and grow old (OK, who the HECK actually wants to grow old?  Seriously, Elena!  Babies?  maybe.  OLD?  Definitely NOT!)  “I don’t want to be a vampire.  I never wanted to be one,” Elena sobs.

“I know you didn’t,” replies Stefan sadly, as he pulls her in for an embrace.

Now, maybe this is just because I’m shallow, and deathly afraid of aging, but, aside from NEVER being able to have kids (But you could ADOPT, Elena!), I don’t really see what’s so awful about being a vampire . . . particularly when (like Elena) you are surrounded by OTHER vampires who can teach you how to do it, without losing your humanity, in the process.  Would I want to live forever?  Probably not.  But, hey, you could always WALK OUT INTO THE SUN whenever you get really tired of being undead!  So, what’s the big deal? 

Perhaps, the REAL problem is that Elena isn’t so sure she wants to spend eternity with STEFAN, hmm?

In all seriousness, I understand that Damon (who knew firsthand, what it was like to LOSE ones humanity, and actually miss it) ideally, should have given Elena the CHOICE of whether she wanted to turn into vampire.  On the other hand, from Damon’s perspective, this is a 17-year old girl who’s basically deciding to COMMIT SUICIDE!  Here Elena is talking about all the “choices” she’s not going to get to make, once she becomes a vampire.  But, would she REALLY get to make any of the choices ANYWAY, if Klaus killed her? 

When you think of it that way, the issue really isn’t so black-and-white.  Certainly, Elena’s statement that Damon doesn’t know what LOVE is, because he’s not willing to let her KILL HERSELF, before she’s of legal voting age, seems a bit misguided . . .

In significantly LESS Maudlin Couple News . . .

Throw Mama from the Stairs (and the Eagerly Awaited return of Forwood)!

TYLER’S MOM:  “Yes, Scary (soon-to-be dead) witch dude, I will gladly fall down a flight of stairs to make Forwood Happen.  Because, unlike some OTHER  moms on this show, I actually VALUE my kid’s happiness, and would prefer him not to DIE.”

When we last saw Tyler’s mom, Elijah had conveniently taken her off vervain, so that he could . . .  borrow her Dead Husband’s Suits?  This week, Klaus’ Witch Buddy Maddox, seemingly compels her (though, honestly, I didn’t know witches could do that) to call Tyler, and tell him that she was in an accident, just moments before he magically pushes her down the steps.  Now, we can assume that Maddox did this to further Klaus’ plan to “acquire” Tyler as a werewolf in his sacrifice ritual.  But could Elijah’s de-vervaining of Mrs. Lockwood have been part of the Master Plan as well?   Only time will tell .  . .

(On a brighter note, at least, we know Elijah’s on Team Forwood!)

So, Tyler returns to Mystic Falls .  . .

 

 .  . . to visit his mother at the hospital . . .

Outside the hospital, Tyler runs into Caroline, who is ALSO en route to pay her respects to his Mom . . .

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Then JULES comes along, and threatens to ruin EVERYTHING (as has been her habit, since he appeared on the show) . . .

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It should, perhaps, be noted here that Jules has NO SOUL, and was COMPLETELY against the idea of Tyler visiting his OWN MOTHER at the hospital, so close to the time of their transformation.  But even Jules knows True Love when she sees it, and is willing to give Tyler and Caroline some alone time to have SUPER HOT MAKEUP SEX “catch up.”

Let the INSANE CHEMISTY, LONGING LOOKS, and NEARLY UNBEARABLE SEXUAL TENSION ENSUE . . .

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No wonder, Tyler needed this SEXUAL RELEASE, later on in the episode . . .

Clearly, both Tyler and Caroline have grown in their month apart from one another.  For his part, Tyler seems to have mellowed significantly, since his last Caroline encounter.  This is not the headstrong, impulsive, alpha male of Lockwood yore.  This is a guy who thinks, before he speaks.  

You can tell immediately that Tyler is thrilled to see Caroline, and that he is still just as in love with her, as he was the day he left Mystic Falls.  But he knows how bad things were between the two of them when he left, and doesn’t want to push their relationship into uncomfortable territory.  So, Tyler holds back . . . and hesitates, saying little with his mouth, but VOLUMES with his ever-expressive eyes.

Caroline TOO has changed since Tyler left.  But HER change, was largely a change in heart toward Tyler.  She realized how much she missed his friendship.  She was clearly hurt, when he left without saying goodbye.  And Caroline, for sure, is not going to let Tyler skip town, without getting some answers . . .

“You’re leaving again?  Your explanation must have got lost in the mail . . . along with my goodbye letter,” challenges Caroline.

Tyler ponders the face of the woman he loves, wanting to say more . . . and then the Cock Block TWINS, Maddox and Greta, give them both Witchy Migraines and cart them away.  (Presumably, Jules was nearby, when this occurred . . . But, since none of the fans really give a rats ass about her, nobody seemed to notice this, until MUCH later.)

Don’t worry Tyler!  One of those two Bitchy Witches won’t live to see next week’s promos . . .

Tyler and Caroline Experiment with S&M . . . AGAIN

“I can see why this appeals to you, Tyler, but I’ve always been more of a Missionary Position kind of gal.”

“What are your thoughts on Doggy Style?”

The last time Tyler and Caroline played with chains, only Tyler was involved in the BONDAGE aspect of the foreplay .  . .

But when the pair wake up from their Matching Witch Headaches, they are BOTH all chained up with no where to go .  . .

Caroline immediately figures out that she and Tyler have been the Lucky Chosen Contestants in the Klaus Sacrifice Game Show.  Unfortunately, since poor Tyler has been absent awhile, he hasn’t had time to DVR the last few episodes of TVD.  So, Caroline quickly fills him in on who Klaus is, and on how the Sun and Moon Curse is a Big Ole ‘Fake.

“Well, that kind of sucks.  Its a good thing I always carry my trusty flask, for situations like this . . .”

Since it doesn’t seem like they are going to be GOING ANYWHERE any time soon, Caroline, taking a page out of her Vamp Daddy Shrink Stefan’s book, decides now is as good a time as any to get Tyler to open up about the whole Abandonment Thing.  “Why didn’t you say goodbye when you left?  Why did you leave me?”  Caroline asks, illustrating a vulnerability that warms Teen Wolf’s Heart.

“I know you hated me.  I thought you deserved better than having someone like me in your life,” Tyler replies sadly.

“I was hurt.  You turned your back on me when I needed you.  But I could never hate you, Tyler, because I luuuuuuuuuuve youuuuu.”

“I really wish these chains were longer, so I can go over to your wall, and have End of the World Tomb Sex with YOU.”

“WORD!”

Seriously, I knew we were going to get some solid Forwood moments in this episode, but I was NOT expecting all this.  These type of in-depth eloquent conversations are the stuff FANFICTIONS are made of (REALLY GOOD FANFICTIONS!).  It’s just too bad about this whole pesky TOMB thing . . .

Fortunately, help is on the way . . .

Kat Gets BURNED (in more ways than one) . . .

KATHERINE:  “So, how many times would you say you’ve had me up against a wall, since the start of this season?  Like, once an episode?”

So, apparently, all Damon needed Alaric’s “help” with was getting invited back into Alaric’s house.  (That’s odd.  I thought Katherine let him in last time?)  If you recall, Damon saved Katherine’s ASS last week, by giving her vervain, so Klaus couldn’t compel her anymore.  Now, he’s back, and wanting to COLLECT on the favor.  Specifically, Damon wants to know where Klaus is hiding Tyler and Caroline.

“In your pants?”

Though Katherine, being KATHERINE, is initially unreceptive to Damon’s pleas for help, the threat of a Vampire Elena stealing Stefan’s heart for ALL ETERNITY causes her to change her tune, rather quickly.  “They are in the tomb,” she admits.

Moments after Damon leaves, Klaus returns, and begins to suspect that Katherine is on vervain, and, therefore, non-compel-able.  So, he plays a little game with her to “test” his hypothesis.  And we all know how much FUN Klaus’ games can be . . .

So, while the Salvatore Brothers and Caroline use their Sunscreen Rings to prevent from “burning,” Katherine apparently prefers an elegant gold bracelet.  Klaus makes her take it off, so she can “go get tan.”

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You see, that’s the problem with having to PRETEND TO BE COMPELLED when you’re not.  It only makes it that much more painful to do all the Crazy Crap you don’t want to do  Finally convinced that Katherine is not on vervain, Klaus asks Katherine for a special favor, of the non-sexual variety.  (She’s  been getting that a lot, lately .  . .)

Speaking of doing other’s favors . . .

Life Sucks and Tyler Bites (Damon?)

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t!”

When Damon arrives at the tomb, he encounters Klaus’ faithful Guard Dog, Maddox.  The two duke it out, with the “Magical Maddox” seeming to get the upper hand . . . that is until MATT(?) (who, by the way still blames DAMON for Vicki’s death) shoots Maddox?

Matt’s intentions for walking around, armed with a gun filled with WOODEN BULLETS, are still unclear.  Did he want to WARN Caroline about her mother, and merely bring the gun along as protection?  Was he going to SHOOT Caroline, before her mother got a chance to do so?  And what about his intention to shoot MADDOX?  Was he, perhaps, aiming for Damon instead, and simply missed?

Whatever the reason, Damon ends up pistol whipping Matt (YEAH!) and pocketing the remaining bullets in his gun. 

“Elena’s not the only one who gets to eat my hand!”

You are lucky I already screwed up once today,” says Damon to an unconscious, but still alive, Matt, as he walks over him and heads to the tomb (which is kind of funny, because I SERIOUSLY thought Damon was going to kill Matt, this week).

Once inside the tomb, Damon rescues Caroline, and, at Caroline’s insistence, Tyler too.  The problem, of course, is that Tyler is just minutes away from wolfing out . . .

On the way out of the tomb, the gang collects Matt (though he doesn’t deserve it).  And the foursome run in the direction of Freedom, that is .  . . until THIS happens . . .

Now, I love you TVD Costume Department.  But it must be said, those are the CHEESIEST-LOOKING WOLF TEETH I have ever seen!

When a half-transformed, Tyler lunges at the group, Damon (who has been in FULL-ON hero mode this ENTIRE HOUR) literally throws himself on the proverbial sword, propelling his body onto Tyler, and instructing the others to head to safety.  UH-OH!

 Matt and Caroline split from Damon to lock up Were-Tyler.  Meanwhile, Damon rushes back home to proudly tell Elena he’s Saved the Day (or so he THINKS).

By the way, did you notice how they changed Were-Tyler from a CGI wolf  . . .

. . .  to a REAL WOLF, since last time?

He’s WAY more CUDDLY now!  Mommy Like!

The Poo Hits the Fan . . . (and the Sacrifice Begins)

Back at Shrink Stefan’s Waterfall of Compassion, Elena and Stefan begin to head home at nightfall.  When they arrive, Klaus is waiting for them. 

Tearful goodbyes are exchanged.  And Elena, being the good MOMMY she is, instructs Stefan to close his eyes, so that he doesn’t have to watch the rest of the episode, because it’s “Veeeeeeeewwwy Scawwwy.”

Always one to have his brother do the dirty work, a Weepy Stefan calls Damon and tells him that, now that he’s already saved the rest of the Scooby Gang, it’s time to go Save Elena too.  (Man!  Talk about an unequal distribution of labor!  I hope Damon’s getting paid for this in sexual favors.) 

At Alaric’s house, Damon encounters the Man, the Myth, the Legend, Klaus . . .

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Vampire Apocalypse be DAMNED! These two dudes just wanna dance!

Unfortunately, for Damon, Katherine isn’t the only old vampire who always has a Plan B.  As it turns out, Tyler’s and Caroline’s capture was just a red herring to cover up for the REAL werewolf sacrifice . . .

(Remember when I said Jules was around when Caroline and Tyler were kidnapped?  I’m assuming this is when they took HER too.) 

But who’s the new VAMPIRE sacrifice?  Well, it’s NOT Damon, as he learns when he wakes up on Alaric’s floor, after having mysteriously fallen unconscious.

“Klaus said you were as good as dead,” explains Katherine, as she helps him up off the ground.  “What’s on your arm, Damon?”

Damon looks at his arm in horror . . . it couldn’t be . . . or could it?  Damon remembers tackling were-Tyler in the forest . . . He remembers something ELSE too (a very annoying SCAR on the history of TVD) . . .

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, please! NOT AGAIN!

Oh, Klaus, you’ve really done it this time!  YOU BREAK MY DAMON, I’LL BREAK YOUR FACE!

But what about that FAVOR Klaus asked of Katherine?

When Elena arrives with Greta to the site of the Sacrifice, she finds Jenna lying on the ground lifeless.  “But I did everything you asked?  Why did you do this to me?”  Elena cries, holding her Aunt’s limp body.

“Oh, she’s not dead,” says Greta, with a smirk.  “She’s (dun . . . dun .  . . dun) IN TRANSITION.”

And the hits just keep on coming . . .

So, for those of you keeping score.  Here’s how our TEAMS stacked up today . . .

Team HUMAN: minus 1 (potentially minus 2, assuming the Sacrifice goes as planned)

Team Vampire: plus 1 (potentially plus 2)

Team Witch: minus 1

Team Werewolf: (potentially minus 1)

Team Werewolf Bite-Infected Vampire:  Plus 1 *sobs*

Team Were-Vamp Hybrid: ????

Based on the chilling extended promo, Next Week’s TVD installment, “The Sun Also Rises,” (which is also the penultimate episode of Season 2) promises one VERY GORY Sacrifice Ritual, some massive overacting serious wolfing out on the part of Klaus, lots more Crazy Eye Damon (except, now he’s got a REALLY good excuse for it), some Witch Hijinks and a Gilbert funeral?  You can check it all out here . . .

So, tell me Fangbangers, are YOU ready for the Sacrifce?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Worst of Both Worlds – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Klaus”

ELENA:  “So, what you are telling me is that Klaus is your ‘brotha from anotha papa?'”

ELIJAH:  “Hells yeah, shortie!”

ELENA:  “That’s off the heezy!”

ELIJAH:  “Fo schizzle, my dizzle.”

Oh, TVD!  How you slay me with your Twisty Turny Plot Devices!  In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m still recovering from the multiple stakes this show has driven through my heart, in the course of a single hour.  Every time I thought I had things figured out, in popped those wily writers again, to stab me with a new piece of information that would undoubtedly change everything . . .

Admittedly, like most of the show’s Flashback Episodes, “Klaus” was a tad more “talk-y” than your average Vampire Diaries’ installment.  And yet, the hour still packed a few MAJOR punches, thanks to some truly shocking revelations, which were very politely brought to our attention, courtesy of THIS GUY . . .  

That’s right, my fellow fangbangers!  Elijah is back!  And if history any indication, he’s quickly shaping up to be the “New Stefan”  . . . or perhaps, more accurately, the Old One.  Of course,  if Elijah is the New/Old Stefan, that begs a very important question:  Who’s Klaus?

“In the iconic words of Damon Salvatore, ‘That’s for me to know, and you to dot, dot, dot . . .”


As you may have already guessed, our mission this week, should we choose to accept it, is to learn more about the titular “Klaus.”   Where did he come from?  What makes him tick?  And, perhaps, most importantly, what the heck does he want with OUR Elena? 

Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

Don’t Wake The Elijah!

ELIJAH:  “I just had the most AWFUL dream, Elena!  I came to your lakehouse to talk to you, and you DROVE A STAKE THROUGH MY HEART!  Then, someone stuck me in the trunk of their car, dragged me back to this mansion, and threw me in a wine cellar.  After that, someone tried to SET ME ON FIRE WITH A BLOW TORCH!  That didn’t work.  So, I laid DEAD, on the COLD HARD FLOOR, for MANY, MANY EPISODES .  . .”

ELENA:  *whistles awkwardly*

We begin our episode right where we left off, last week.  Elena has just “de-staked” Elijah (something we all know she is VERY good at doing) . . .


“That’s right, Elena, you just keep pulling it out . .  . HARD!”

So, now, our heroine is just waiting for him to “wake up.”  And, “wake up,” Elijah DOES!  Of course, lying with a stake in your heart for many, many days,  would take it’s toll on ANYBODY.  So, to say Elijah is not exactly “at his best,” when Elena first sees him, is pretty much the Biggest Understatement EVER . . .

 His hair still looks fabulous though .  . .

I’ll be honest, when Elijah first opens his eyes to the woman who gave him the “Big Sleep,” I expect some  Vampire Rose-esque CRAAAAAAZY MAN Vampire Hijinks, complete with lots of growling, and images of Elena skittering around the mansion, like a scared mouse. 

Ahhh, memories!

But Poor Elijah is much more the Confused Old Grandpa, Who Just Misplaced his Pants, than a Savage Beast.  And I can’t help feeling kind of bad for the guy, as he stumbles and trips around the Salvatore Mansion, clothes torn, and face ashen. 

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He repeatedly mistakes Elena for Katherine, and complains of difficulty breathing.  Remember, just because he was DRAGGED into “Elena’s” house, didn’t necessarily mean he was INVITED in there.  (Nice TOUCH, TVD!)

“Might I trouble you for a spot of tea?”

By the time, Elijah has successfully escaped Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, and Elena has silently handed him the White Oak Dagger that brought about his untimely demise, he seems more relieved to have the color back in his oh-so-pretty face, than anything else.  So, off “new besties” Elijah and Elen go to “hug it out” outside. 

Meanwhile, Stefan and Damon share a Bad Sitcom Moment, when they simultaneously realize that Elena is missing, and so is their Token Dead Guy . . .


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You can almost hear the artificial laugh track, as the brothers do matching facepalms, at the entranceway of the now-empty wine cellar . . .

While Elena and Elijah are chatting in the car, Stefan calls Elena’s cell phone.  She explains that Stefan shouldn’t worry.  She’s got everything under “control.”  After all, Elijah is a “noble man”, and she can “trust him.”  (Uhhhh . . . I don’t know, Stefan.  It sounds like a precursor to Hot Car Sex to me!)

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“I think you are really going to enjoy this, Elena.  I’ve been boning chicks, since the Days of the Caveman.  I know what women want.”

After Elena hangs up on his ass, Stefan acts kind of blase about the whole thing.  Some might even say he seems bored.  Stefan explains that he trusts his girlfriend to do the Right Thing, and yadda, yadda, yadda.  But Damon is SUPER PISSED!  NOBODY should be having sex with Elena in a car, EXCEPT HIM!

 (Fortunately, for Elijah, Damon is more of a Shower Sex Guy than a Backseat Car Humper . . . otherwise, the Dude would SO be DEAD, by now!)

(Just so you know, my goal is to somehow include this GIF in EVERY SINGLE RECAP I write for this show, between now and the finale.  I do hope you won’t mind. ;))

“We need to find her.  And we need to stop her,” exclaims Damon fiercely.

But Stefan forcefully grabs Damon, and tells him to “back off,” in the Brothers’ first of many “Bad Touches” (TM Cherie) of the evening . . .

Back in the Luuuuve Mobile, Elijah has tentatively agreed to resume his alliance with Elena, and to tell her everything he knows about Klaus.  But first, he needs a shower (Ahem!  No funny stuff, Elijah!)  and some new threads.  (Silly vampires, and their Fashion Requirements!) 

So, off the twosome head to the Lockwood Mansion to compel Mama Lockwood to give Elijah some clothes.  It’s in this mansion that the pair spend the majority of the episode, sipping tea and gossiping like school girls about the Good Old Days of Elijah and Klaus . . .

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I SMELL FLASHBACKS!

So, Tonight We’re Going to Party Like it’s 1492 . . .

KATHERINE:   “Lords Klaus and Elijah, you have the MOST FASCINATING HAIR  . . . you must introduce me to your stylists.”

ELIJAH:  “We’d love to . . . except . . . Klaus ate him last week . . .”

It is at this moment in the episode that the First Bombshell of the Hour is dropped . . . Klaus and Elijah are brothers .  . .

The siblings come from a large family, who, though born to human parents, ALL eventually became vampires.  (Way to create a Neverending Cavalcade of Prospective Villains for Season 3, writers!)  Apparently, ALL vampires (including Damon, Stefan, and Katherine herself) can be traced back in origin to this First Family . . .

This is what I like to call having a “Darth Vader is Your Dad and Probably F*&ked BOTH Your Girlfriends” moment . . .

Speaking of Katherine, Elijah meets her first.  And in true Salvatore Brothers fashion, it become immediately obvious that she “looks just like a woman he used to love.”  That’s right, boys and girls!  Katherine WASN’T the first Petrova Doppelganger to win the hearts of two Sibling Vamps.  In fact, it’s pretty heavily implied that her predecessor was a SERIOUS object of affection for BOTH Elijah and Klaus.  And it was HER untimely death, in the service of a Very Special Curse (more on that later), that caused the brothers to “close their hearts to love for good,” or so they thought . . .

At this point in the story, Elijah and Klaus are still pretty close.  Knowing that Klaus needs Katherine for his Sacrifice, Elijah introduces the Doppelganger to Klaus, personally.  And, to Elijah’s credit, he is a pretty SOLID Wingman, when it comes to getting these two Crazy Kids to hook up with one another . . .

 But then Klaus makes a fatal mistake in the Wooing of Katherine.  It’s a mistake commonly made by television characters involved in love triangles.   Fans of the old show Dawson’s Creek lovingly refer to this mistake as the Dawson Leery Lady-Bedding Blunder . . .

This TV Relationship No-No occurs when a character repeatedly neglects the object of their affection, thereby allowing their more charming and romantic (not to mention better looking) friend or sibling to swoop in and steal their girl away, usually FOR GOOD!

Stefan Salvatore, consider yourself warned . . .

We know, for certain, that the Bedding Blunder has happened, when we spy Katherine and Elijah FROLICKING together in the woods.  (Man!  Sometimes, I wish I lived during a time when people still “frolicked!”)

Katherine is flirtatiously pouting about Klaus not spending enough time with her.  Elijah half-heartedly sticks up for his brother.  But by the way he keeps making googly eyes at Katherine, you can tell Elijah no longer believes a word of what he’s saying.  And when Elijah tells Katherine he doesn’t believe in love, it’s SO obviously a case of “thou doth protest too much,” it’s not even funny!  More interesting is Katherine’s response, “True love isn’t real, unless it’s pretend.” 

This one-liner actually goes pretty far in explaining some of Katherine’s more head-scratching actions throughout the series.  Katherine is a lot like Klaus, in the sense that, to her, love is a game, one that can only be won through manipulation and the gaining of power over another individual.

Power . . . LOST!

Unfortunately, for Katherine, this time, SHE is the one getting played.  Because Klaus too has a theory about love.  He equates it with weakness.  And because he thinks it makes him “weak,” Klaus has decided to turn off any feelings of love he might genuinely have for Katherine.

It’s time for the Second Bombshell of the Episode.  In the next flashback scene, we see Elijah and Klaus poring over those Aztec Parchment documents that supposedly detail the Sun and Moon Curse.  The problem is, the documents weren’t created by Aztecs at all!  KLAUS WROTE THEM HIMSELF!

Yep, the Sun and the Moon Curse, with all its “ingredients,” (i.e. the witch, the vampire, the werewolf . . . etc.), it’s all COMPLETELY FAKE — a diversion tactic to keep the various races of supernatural creatures at odds with one another.  The curse Klaus ACTUALLY wants to break is one witches placed on HIM, specifically.  And it’s only ingredients are the Petrova Doppelganger and the Moonstone. 

This, of course, leads me to the Third Bombshell of the episode.  “Klaus and I have the same mother,” explains Elijah.  “But we do not share the same father . . . Klaus’ father was . . . (wait for it) . . . a WEREWOLF!”

“Say WHAT?”

So, basically, the REAL Sun and Moon Curse has NOTHING to do with werewolves being able to change at will.  Nor does it involve vampires being able to walk in the sun, without sunscreen rings.  It all has to do with Klaus, and his now-dormant WEREWOLF abilities.  If Klaus breaks THIS curse, he will become the World’s Very First Wolf / Vampire Hybrid. 

Now, the thought of THIS GUY as a WERE-VAMP, alone, is pretty frightening.  But, try this on for size:  Klaus’ ULTIMATE goal is to start a WHOLE NEW RACE of Vampire / Wolf  Hybrids.  So, if you are lucky enough to be one of the Chosen Ones . . .


But, if not . . . well . . .

Now, totally and completely in love with Katherine, Elijah spills the beans to her about Klaus’ plans.  This, of course, results in a VERY pissed off Klaus . . .

“I have a VERY BIG MOUTH . . . the better to EAT YOUR FACE with!

According to Elijah, he had come up with a plan to save Katherine.  This plan involved killing his own brother, after the Curse was Broken, during the vulnerable time period of his first werewolf transformation.  (Now, THAT’S what I call love!)

  But, as we all know, Elijah never had the chance to carry out his plan.  Katherine ran from Elijah and Klaus.  She then ultimately tricked Rose into turning her into a vampire. 

“You cared about her,” notes Captain Obvious Elena.

“It’s a common mistake, I’m told,” admits Elijah.  “One I won’t make again.”

(Oh, Elijah . . . don’t you realize you are on the Everybody Loves Elena Show?  I hate to break this to you, dude!  But  your DEFINITELY going to make that mistake AGAIN!)

“Alas, I suspect you are right, oh wise, TV Recapper!  But at least, THIS time,  I will have less ridiculous hair . . .”

Anyway . . . back in Present Day, Klaus is still alive and well.  And Elena is paying the price for her “twin’s” now centuries old mistakes . . .

Speaking of Katherine, things are DEFINITELY looking up for her, lately . . .

Going Rogue . . .

DAMON:  “So, I hear we are getting to do some Almost Nude Scenes together this week?”

ANDIE:  “You are going to be ALMOST NUDE?”  *does little dance of joy*

DAMON:  “Nope . . . just YOU.”

ANDIE:  “Well, that’s LAME!”

DAMON:  “I know, right?”

Purposefully ignoring Stefan’s instructions to sit on the bench for this round of the Save Elena Games, Damon commandeers Sex Toy Andie to Go Rogue with him.  (Can I just say, never has the phrase “Go Rogue” sounded sexier, than when it was coming out of Ian Somerhalder’s lips.)  The so-called couple pays a visit to Alaric’s house, where Damon knows that Katherine is currently doing some compulsion-induced house-sitting.  (If, by chance, you are wondering where AlarKlaus is?  More on him later . . .)

“Hey, I’m bored.   You guys up for a threesome?”

Having been compelled not to leave the house, Katherine is understandably a bit grumpy, when Damon and Andie arrive.  After all, Katherine’s not exactly someone used to staying home, and missing out on all the good parties!  But hey, at least she’s not repeatedly stabbing her leg, anymore!

Progress!

Damon generously offers Kat a vial of vervain, reasoning that, since the pair both share a true hatred for Klaus, a Non-Compelled Kat will be a WAY more helpful asset to the Save Elena Games than a compelled one. 

Plus, now, she’s going to owe him, BIG TIME!

CHUG .  . . CHUG .  . . CHUG!

To celebrate her newfound Freedom from Mind Control, Katherine decides to numb her mental faculties in ANOTHER WAY, namely, by getting COMPLETELY WASTED on Alchy Alaric’s SUBSTANTIAL Liquor Stash, and dancing sluttily around the apartment with various inanimate household objects . . .

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My kind of girl!

But, then, AlarKlaus comes home unexpectly, following an impromptu “date” with Useless Aunt Jenna.  This forces Kat to do two things to which many teens can relate: (1) pretend to be sober, when she’s clearly not; and (2) pretend to follow “dad’s” orders, when she quite obviously no longer gives a DAMN!

Speaking of AlarKlaus’ and his “date” . . .

Do you like SCARY MOVIES, Useless Aunt Jenna?  (Because you are in one!)

“So, let me get this straight . . . vampires are real . . . and so are werewolves . . . and witches.  This probably means that zombies are real too . . . and wizards . . . and the Boogey Man . . . and the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny . . . and SANTA Claus (Klaus?)  So, many supernatural creatures of questionable trustworthiness to invite into my home, and so little time!  I better get started now.”

Useless Aunt Jenna wakes up from her two-episode hiatus, and suddenly remembers (gasp!), “I have minors I am supposed to be pretending to care about!”  So, she comes back to her house to try and remember what the heck these kids look like.  The problem, of course, is, they both have magically DISAPPEARED. 

(Actually, Jeremy is hanging out in a grave somewhere, with Wicked Witch Bonnie, and Elena is busy partying it up with the SECOND most dangerous vampire in the WORLD!  And what Responsible Parent would have a problem with that?)

“So, Elena’s banging vampires, huh?  Well, at least we won’t have to worry about her getting pregnant!”

Silly Stefan!  When Useless Aunt Jenna calls him to ask about her “kids'” whereabouts, he warns her not to let AlarKlaus into her home.  Doesn’t he realize that, now that he’s TOLD her NOT to do something, that’s EXACTLY what she’s going to do?  I mean, we are talking about Useless Aunt Jenna here, a.k.a. Little Miss Open Your Legs House for All Super Villains!

Fortunately, Stefan is smart enough to rush over to Jenna’s place, where AlarKlaus (SURPRISE!) is already making himself comfortable, by playing with his “girlfriend’s” boobies carving knives . . .

(I swear, this whole scene was SO remininscent of the original Scream opener, that I almost had Dead Drew Barrymore flashbacks . . .)

In what I can only imagine was an even MORE obvious homage to Scream (after all, Kevin Williamson wrote that one too), AlarKlaus begins to taunt Useless Aunt Jenna, with a series of increasingly creepy questions about whether or not she believes in vampires.  Finally (though it took a REALLY long time, especially considering what the REAL Alaric put Jenna through, just a few episodes before), U.A.J. gets up the balls to ask AlarKlaus to get the F*&K out of her HOUSE!  Then, when he refuses, SHE decides to leave instead! 

This prompts AlarKlaus to go all Knife Wielding Psycho Killer on Jenna’s ass, which prompts Stefan to do THIS . . .

Way to go, STEFFY!

Mesmerized by the sight of her niece’s boyfriend trying to slice through the neck of her now-Abusive and Psychotic Ex, Dumbass Jenna just stands in the corner, with her jaw hanging open, and drool coming out of the sides of her mouth.  This forces Stefan to VAMP OUT on her, so that it will FINALLY occur to her to LEAVE!

 “I’m getting ANGRY, Jenna!  And you wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry . . .”

Upon hearing from Stefan what went down, Elena takes a break from her Hot Date with Elijah to comfort a clearly mindblown Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

Less Clueless, but still just as Useless . . .

Poor U.A.J!  It’s emotive scenes like this that make me realize that Sara Canning can actually ACT really well.  She just hasn’t really been given much opportunity to do so in this TOTALLY THANKLESS ROLE! 

She even managed to make STEFAN cry!

“I’m supposed to be the one who protects YOU,” Useless Aunt Jenna whines, in what was clearly the most unintentionally hilarious line of the ENTIRE episode.  “I’m scared,” she whispers.

Umm . . . Jenna?  Newsflash:  YOU SHOULD BE!

It’s Too Late to Apologize . . .

“Dark Stefan, may I have this dance?”

After Elena goes back to Elijah, the Salvatore Brothers remain, alone and equally broody, in the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Stefan chooses this TOTALLY inappropriate time to make a snide comment about Damon’s unabashed use of Sex Toy Andie to satisfy his “needs.”  “You should be happy she’s here, because it keeps me from going after what I REALLY want,” Damon notes.

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Mmmmm hmmm!

“Yes, thank you for being in love with MY girlfriend,” replies Stefan.  (Ooooh, he just went there!)  “You can be in love with her all you want, if it means you will protect her.  But I have her respect.”

*gulp*

Then THIS happens . . .

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SUDDENLY, the two Salvatore Brothers are BEATING THE SH*T OUT OF EACHOTHER!  And, I know that it’s supposed to be all tragic and SAD, because they both really just want Elena to be safe, and, blah, blah, blah.  But it’s also REALLY HOT!  I mean, come on!  Show me a woman who WOULDN’T want these two men fighting over her, and I’ll show you a BIG FAT LIAR!

 This Brotherly Love Fest is interrupted by the return of Elijah and Elena (guess she decided to invite him in, after all).  Elena says that the original deal she had with Elijah is now back on.  “The two of you will come to no harm at my hands,” insists the gentlemanly Elijah.

So, for those of you who haven’t been keeping track, here’s the NEW plan to Save Elena:  (1) Bonnie will defeat Klaus, but she won’t die doing it, because Elijah has a loophole for THAT!  (Presumably, this will take place AFTER the Moonstone Ritual, when Klaus is undergoing his were transformation.)

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I bet there will still be lots of Constipated Face Making and Nose Bleeds though!

(2) Elena plays her part in the Sacrifice, but somehow lives, again, conveniently, thanks to Elijah.  (I don’t know.  Is anyone else getting any Red Flags, here?).

(3)  There’s a big Supernatural Orgy in Mystic Falls.    Everyone lives Happily Ever After . . . at least until next season.

Elijah’s going to do ALL THIS for Team Scooby out of the “kindness of his Cold Vampire Heart.”  And all he wants in return is an apology from the brothers. . .

“Sorry for the part I played in your death,” says Stefan (which is pretty much the Funniest Apology EVER!)  “But I did it to protect Elena.  I will ALWAYS protect ELENA,” concludes the younger Salvatore, before sticking out his tongue, and blowing a raspberry at Damon.

“Real mature, Stefan!”

Then again, Damon refuses to apologize AT ALL, which doesn’t exactly win HIM maturity points either.  (Unless, of course, Elijah ends up being a Secret Klaus Supporter, in which case, we will all be patting Damon on the back in a few weeks, for being so “insightful,” when it comes to Elena’s needs.)

Notice, I said Elena‘s needs . . . because Sex Toy’s needs seem to be falling by the waistside a bit, of late.

When a highly distraught Damon returns to his bedroom, Sex Toy Andie is there waiting for him in slinky lingerie, despite him having begged her to leave earlier.  But Andie TRULY loves Damon (or at least, compulsion tells her she does).  She knows that he is in pain, and wants to show him that someone out there cares about him. 

Andie’s kindness, in the face of Damon’s complete lack of feeling for her, becomes too much for the Elder Salvatore to take.  Last week, Damon may have come to the realization that he deserves love, but probably not Andie’s love.  Realizing once and for all, that it is not FAIR to Andie, for Damon to use her as a distraction from his deep feelings for Elena, Damon lashes out at the Guest Star reporter.  He then, ultimately compels her to leave, before he can really hurt her.

 Ummm . .  . Damon?  You’ve got a little something on your lip . . .

Damon’s REALLY brutal to Andie in this scene.  And at first blush, it’s pretty tough to watch.  But if you peek beneath the layers of violence and brutality, there is actually a good deal of growth here on Damon’s part. 

Now, now . . . before you write me off as some CRAZED Delena fan, who forgives Damon for everything he does wrong on this show, just hear me out . . .

Remember JESSICA?

Not too long ago, we experienced on this show a fairly similar situation to this one, in which Damon (having just experienced the loss of Rose) lashes out at an innocent woman, as an expression of his heartbreak over his not being able to be the person [Elena] needs him to be. 

Now, just a few episodes later, Damon is equally heartbroken.  But, this time, he doesn’t allow his anger to become murderous.  By chasing Andie away, Damon saves her life, in the same way that New Vamp Caroline did, when she purposefully ended her relationship with Matt to keep him out of danger.  (And look how much THANKS Matt has given Caroline for that!  Ingrate!)

Not only is Damon no longer willing to selfishly use another human being, as a distraction for his true feelings, he also clearly feels deserving enough of Elena’s love, to prevent himself from committing the ultimate act of violence, just to salve a broken heart.  That’s progress, folks! 🙂

Don’t Call it a Comeback!  He’s Been Here for Years . . . (No, Really, He HAS!)

Meanwhile, back at Alaric’s house, Maddox (Yeah . . . apparently Sumo Warlock has a name.  I missed that!  Special thanks to my buddy mak, for kindly pointing that out to me.), and Newbie Witch Greta . . .

 .  . . sister of THIS NOW-DEAD GUY . . .

 . . . arrive, carting an Extra Large Coffin in their wake.  Now, if you recall, Jonas and Luka joined forces with Elijah to PROTECT Greta.  But, quite honestly, she seems to be having a fine old time with Klaus!  In fact, I can’t help but wonder whether these two KNOW one another, in the biblical sense, if you catch my drift  . . . Truth be told, when Greta casually comments Klaus, “Nice body . . . let’s get you out of it,”  some very, very naughty Witch/Vamp images ran through my dirty mind.

So, everybody holds hands around the candles.  (And there are those candles again!  It’s time to get more creative with your Spell Props, witches!  Haven’t you ever seen Harry Potter before?) 

Suddenly, the candles go out.  AlarKlaus looks up from chanting.  He sees Katherine, and calls her “Elena,” in a voice that is decidedly sans- that weird AlarKlaus accent.  Suffice it to say, the REAL Alaric is back . . .  and alive  . . . at least, for now!

But if Alaric is back in his body, than where is Klaus?  As if in answer, the door to the coffin opens, and THIS GUY emerges from it . . .

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Now, if you thought Klaus was scary in a HUMAN body, you can imagine how much damage he can do in his OWN!  In other words, be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be VERY AFRAID!

 

“Ruh-roh!”

The extended promo for next week’s episode, promises, among other things, some tender moments between BOTH Salvatores and Elena, Poor Caroline getting chained up and abused, once again, Tyler Lockwood humping the forest . . .

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SO HOT!  (I’m so jealous of The Forest right now . . .)

 . . . a bromantic buddy reunion between Alaric and Damon, the return of Jules (meh!), and a showdown between Damon and Klaus.  You can check it out here .   .  .

Is it Thursday yet, Fangbangers?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

How Klaus Became the NEW Voldemort!- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Know Thy Enemy”

Damon:  “So, you’re KLAUS, now?  WTF Alaric!  I thought we were supposed to bros?  Do the words ‘Team Badass’ mean NOTHING to you?”

Alaric:  “Ummmm .  . . yeah . . . sorry about that.  But, hey!  At least I won’t be forcing you to hang out with my Boring Ass Girlfriend, anymore!”

Damon:  “True . . .”

OK, so remember THIS GUY?

“Dammit Harry Potter!  If I was on The Vampire Diaries, they would  have made me HOT . . . or, at least, given me a nose.”

Well, then you know how, in the first few Harry Potter books and films, “Big Bad” Voldemort never actually MADE an appearance.  He just hypnotized all these random folks to do his bidding, while he skulked around town, in search of a new face.  (Honestly, can you BLAME him?  I mean LOOK at the guy?)   

That’s kind of what Klaus has become on The Vampire Diaries.  Everybody talks about him.  Some folks even work for him.  But nobody seems to actually know what he looks like unless they read the spoilers.

In related news, Alaric Saltzman has officially become AWESOME once again . . .

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“AlarKlaus?”

He is also randomly sporting a bizarre new voice and accent, that makes him kind of sound like Yoda . . .

“Words . . . I speak.  Understand them . . . you will not.”

Oh, and in case I didn’t mention it before, THE LONG HIATUS IS OVER!  THE VAMPIRE DIARIES ARE BACK, FOR GOOD!

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Let’s get on with that recap, shall we?

Breaking News:   Useless Aunt Jenna comes face-to-face with an Evil Vampire . . . and actually DOESN’T invite her inside the house!

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There’s a first time for everything!

The episode begins literally right where we left, off a few months back, with Isobel (who’s such a RIDICULOUSLY awful mother, she makes that corpse in the basement at the end of Psycho look positively maternal, by comparison) arriving on Elena’s doorstep.  This makes things incredibly awkward for Useless Aunt Jenna, who, in the past few seconds, has just learned the following:  (1) her boyfriend’s wife is not quite as DEAD as he made her out to be; (2) that undead b*tch gave birth to Elena; and (3) everybody in Mystic Falls, except for Jenna, herself, already seemed to know this.  Needless to say, Jenna has had better days . . .

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“Wow, my character hasn’t done this much emoting on screen since . . . well . . . ever!”

Being the “rational and mature” guardian that Useless Aunt Jenna is, she responds to this Unwelcome Home Invasion by . . . throwing a temper tantrum, and disappearing for the rest of the episode.  (You’ve really gotta love all the stellar examples of parenting on this show.  It’s no wonder, everybody runs around, throwing eachother into walls, and biting one another!  It’s like Lord of the Flies on this show!)

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“SNIFF . . . now, I’m never going to get to see Alaric’s Chunky Monkey AGAIN!”

Speaking of Alaric, he stopped by the Gilbert House to (1) apologize to Useless Aunt Jenna for being a Terrible Boyfriend . . . and (2)  to do something us TVD Fans have been wanting to do, ourselves, since Season 1 . . . PUNCH Uncle / Father John in the FACE!

An image that has resulted in the destruction of many television screens . . . due to objects being thrown at them . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Kat Plays for Both Teams (in more ways than one)

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Katherine tells the Salvatore Brothers that, despite having played for Team Smug Asshole (a.k.a. Isobel and Uncle / Father John) for the past few episodes, she is now “TOTALLY” batting for our Salvatore Scooby Gang.  The CunningVamp promises to do whatever it takes to help those Sexy Salvatores save Elena, so long as that means offing Santa Klaus.  Of course, no matter how many times Katherine dances around the living room, like a girl who really has to peepreparing for a strip tease,  neither vampire brother particularly seems to trust her.

As it turns out, the brothers’ suspicions are well-founded!  Just a few scenes later, we find Kat encountering Isobel at the “Safe House” the latter supposedly purchased for Elena.   (“It’s the nicest foreclosure on the block,” Isobel notes proudly, in TVD’s first ever, Timely Recession Reference.)

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At first, Kat attacks Isobel, by . . .  throwing her up against the wall.  SURPRISE!  (I’m beginning to think this is some form of Bizarre Vampire Greeting, considering how often it’s done on the show.)  Soon after, the pair are being all flirty and seductive with eachother.  There’s definitely this odd sapphic chemistry between them.  In fact, watching Katherine and Isobel interact, I can’t help but wonder if these two have ever “known one another in the biblical sense,” if you catch my drift . . .

“Yeah, thanks for giving me Crabs, last time you were here!  That was fun!”

The other odd thing I noticed about Isobel, is that, ever since she’s returned to Mystic Falls, she has lost all emotional affect in her voice.  Every line she utters is delivered in this painfully dull monotone kind of like James Franco hosting the Oscars.  Of course, in hindsight, this noticeable change in Isobel’s personality (assuming she has one!) actually makes a lot of sense to her character’s particular plotline.  But initially, I must admit, I attributed it to bad acting.  (Sorry Mia Kirshner!)

“Don’t worry, I ain’t mad at ya!  (I’ll just eat you in your sleep.)”

While Isobel and Katherine chat, we learn that Katherine, at Isobel’s urging, is actually planning to cut some kind of deal with Klaus, in which her own life will be spared, in return for her turning over to him the Moonstone  . . . and Elena.

(We also learn that Isobel has a nickname for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .  “Auntie Vanilla “. . . I like it . . . but I still think “Useless Aunt Jenna” is better.  Just sayin’!)

Later, while Damon and Stefan are out playing Save Elena Games, Katherine begins ransacking La Casa de Rich and Awesome, in search of the Mysterious Moonstone.  Of course, she’s not averse to helping herself to a few of the boys’ OTHER possessions, while she’s looking . . .

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After searching nearly the entire house, Kat heads to the bathroom to wash her hands.  It is there that she locates the Moonstone, which has been hidden by Damon (who always said the darn thing looked like “soap, “anyway) in the Biggest Soap Dish Ever!

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Now, I know a lot of TVD viewers out there were understandably annoyed at the USUALLY brilliant Damon, for picking such a seemingly lame hiding place for such an important object.  Many of you might have even wondered why Damon, an admittedly “manly man” keeps so many Fancy Girly Hand Soaps in his bathroom, in the first place!  The answer to the second inquiry is quite simple, actually:  Damon REALLY likes getting clean . . .

As for why Damon chose the Soap Dish as the Moonstone’s Hiding Place, I’d have to say, the writers “compelled” him to do it, as a gift to US!   Because, think about it, had Damon NOT hidden the Moonstone in the soap dish, we would not have been treated to THIS . . .

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“GRRRRR . . . Wearing clothing makes me SO MAD!” 

Or this . . .

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“GRRR . . . Girly Soaps make me SO MAD!”

I rest my case.  Speaking of the Sexiest Salvatore. . .

Damon meets the ONLY women on the PLANET who don’t want him in their house!  (Of course, they are DEAD . . . and have no taste.)

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Just so you know, Damon . . . MY DOOR is ALWAYS OPEN!

Damon spends a large chunk of the episode hanging out with Witchy Bonnie and Mini Gilbert.  NOOOOOOO!  Hang out with ELENA, DAMON!  YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HANGING OUT WITH ELENA!

A witch, a vampire, and a Gilbert walk into a house . . . I think I once heard a really bad joke that started like this . . .

You see, through his many years of trying to rescue Katherine from the tomb she wasn’t in . . . , Damon learned the location of the house where all the Mystic Falls witches were burned alive, back in 1864.  If Bonnie can harness the power of these witches, she can kill Klaus.  So, Bonnie, Jeremy and Damon, pick up a spell book from a probably VERY RANK- smelling Jonas’ house . . .

(BTW, I love how DEAD LUKA has been rotting away on the floor of that apartment for MONTHS, and nobody seems to care!)

 . . . and head to the all-powerful Witch Burning Site.

“Hi, honeys . . . we’re HOME!”

As it turns out, three is DEFINITELY a crowd, at the Dead Witch Bed and Breakfast.  And soon after Damon enters the house, strange things start happening to him. (Unfortunately, none of those “strange things” involve his clothing magically disappearing from his body.)

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First, Damon finds himself glued to the floor.  Then, his Sunscreen Ring suddenly stops working, and he gets the WORST SUNBURN EVER!  Wisely, Damon decides to leave the house before things get “too intense.”

Alone in Witchland, Bonnie and Jeremy start preparing to perform the “I see dead people . . . and take all their powers” spell.   While Bonnie mumbles and chants gibberish, the witches start whispering something in her ear. 

“Pssst, you’re boyfriend is REALLY HOT.  Think he’d mind if we all had Hot Invisible Poltergeist Sex with him?”

Of course, Nosy Jeremy wants to know what the witches are saying, but Bonnie won’t tell him (which means she probably agreed to the Hot Poltergeist Sex Thing).  Suddenly, Bonnie is screaming in pain.  And Jeremy gets ghost f*&ked thrown into a wall for the 85,000th time this season . . .

“I’m starting to think that the universe is trying to tell me something . . .”

Then, it’s all over.  And Bonnie and Jeremy celebrate, by making out again . . .

Outside, the house, Bonnie shows off her  newfound witchy powers, by making Mystic Falls have Really Bad Weather for 15 seconds . . .

I would have made myself a Super Model / Lottery Winner, instead . . . but that’s just me.

After doing some research, Jeremy learns that using all those witchy powers necessary to kill Klaus, will result in Bonnie’s death as well . . .

“ANOTHER Dead Girlfriend?  Are you friggin kidding me, with this?  That’s IT!  Next season, I’m totally turning gay!”

Speaking of soon-to-be-dead folks . . .

Isobel’s Big Plan

While in town, Isobel confronts Alaric, tells him how much she used to love him  . . . and has her Massively Large Warlock Body Guard, Jedi Mind Trick him into unconsciousness.  (Did you ever notice how EVERY vampire has their own witch on this show?  The Salvatores have Bonnie.  Elijah had Jonas.  Klaus has this nameless Sumo Warlock.  Is there some sort of a Witches R’ Us store in Mystic Falls that I don’t know about?) 

Isobel then heads to the Lockwood Mansion, where Elena is accepting some random award on behalf of her OTHER Dead Mom.  Once there, Izzie seemingly kills Uncle / Father John, by biting him in the neck and tossing him down a flight of steps.  (Geez, punched in the face, bitten, AND thrown down steps.  It’s not really this guy’s episode, is it?)

“At least I got to keep my balls all my fingers, this time!”

While, the crowd is tending to Uncle / Father John . . .

Katherine is “tending to” Elena . . .

Source

Moments later, Stefan finds “Elena,” and takes her out of the mansion.  The problem is, The REAL Elena is gone!

When Stefan finally figures out what has happened, Katherine, looking remarkably like Elena, stabs Stefan with a syringe (filled with what exactly?  It was never explained . . ) and tosses him into her “bush.”  Sexual symbolism abounds . . .

Source

And in this moment, Delena fans across the world, simultaneously updated their Tumblrs and Facebook pages, with the best thing that has happened to their SHIP (at least symbolically), since Damon told Elena he loved her in “Rose.” 

Then Damon magically appears!

After assuring the masses at La Casa de Lockwood that Uncle / Father John is unfortunately not dead yet, Damon proceeds to entertain them, by performing  a Ventroliquist and Dummy Act with Elena’s Bio Dad’s limp body . . .

“Now, watch me make him dance!”

Back at The Nicest Foreclosure in Town, Katherine gets  . . . kidnapped by . . . Sumo Warlock?

Meanwhile, Isobel drives an unconscious Elena to a grave site, that I had assumed would be for Elena’s adopted parents, but was actually Isobel’s own . . .

Isobel explains to Elena how no one is actually buried there (DUH!).  However, a part of Isobel really did die, when she became a vampire.  Isobel wistfully wishes that Elena got to meet the nice (probably dull) Isobel, who studied supernatural things, regularly boned Alaric, not to mention Uncle / Father John (Maybe she wasn’t so dull, after all!), and genuinely loved her bastard child daughter.  Then, Isobel gets a call from Sumo Warlock.  He tells Isobel, that her “job” is done, and Elena is free to go! 

Wait . . . huh?

Apparently, Klaus compelled Isobel to do ALL the evil crap she did during this episode!

OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . Klaus compelled Isobel to (1) get Katherine to find the Moonstone; (2) have Alaric kidnapped; (3) push John down the steps; (4) kidnap Elena; AND (5) betray Katherine, so that SHE could get kidnapped, while carrying the Moonstone. 

(Does being compelled give you, like, Super Human Memory or something?  Because that seems like a WHOLE LOT to remember to do  . . .   even for a non-Hypnotized Zombie Type . . .)

But at least now we know why Isobel seems to have lost her ability to emote, since last season!  She’s been a Klaus’ Toy Robot this entire episode!

Speaking of rotting and decayed flesh, Isobel tells Elena that she’s “sorry she was such a disappointment to [her].” The vampiress then rips off her Sunscreen Necklace (I thought they only came in rings!) and “tragically” meets the sun, a la Godric in True Blood.  The difference, of course, is that Godric made killing yourself, look pretty darn awesome, while Isobel, quite honestly, looked a bit rough, during her Dramatic Death Scene . . .)

Source

“I’m FLYING!”

Oh, HONEY!  You really need to moisturize!

“Isobel Fleming . . . consider yourself OWNED!”

Sayonara, Mama Isobel!  It’s been . . . REAL . . . interesting. 

(For those of you keeping score, Elena has now experienced, FIRSTHAND, the death of THREE PARENTS!  How many YEARS of therapy, do you think it’s going to take to erase THAT?)

Meanwhile, in Not-So-Clueless-Anymore Matt News . . .

And you thought TYLER did Caroline dirty! (a.k.a The Forwood is MUCH BETTER than Caratt Plotline)

“I have three things to tell you, Mama Forbes.  (1) I think your daughter is an Evil Bloodsucking Vampire; (2) she probably killed my Slutty Sister; (3) I’m SUPER hot for Cougars in Uniform . . .”

So, throughout most of the episode, Poor Caroline is trying to get in touch with Matt, who has been avoiding her, ever since she SAVED HIS LIFE at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  (Way to be grateful, DOUCHE!)  When Caroline, inappropriately, asks Tyler’s mom, where Matt might be, the latter reminds Caroline that HER SON, TYLER is also missing, and that Forwood belong together, so Caroline should really get her priorities straight! 

(Oh, by the way, how weird is it that Snooty Mama Lockwood is officially, by default, the BEST MOM ON THIS SHOW?)

Outside, the Lockwood Mansion, Matt accosts Caroline’s mom, with crazy talk of vampires and supernatural beings having something to do with the death of his sister.  Later, Matt arrives at Caroline’s house, with some BIG FAT LIE story about Mama Forbes bringing him there to “cool down.” after his “outburst.”  Matt’s Big Monologue about how alone he feels, being the only Clueless Human in a clearly Supernatural World . . .

 . . .  is remarkably reminiscent of Tyler’s admission to Caroline (which also took place at her house) about how alone he felt, having to cope with the Werewolf Curse, all by himself . . .

Except . . . you know . . . Tyler’s speeched rocked, and Matt’s . . . well . . . didn’t.

Anywhoo . . . Matt claims that he wants to know everything about Vicki’s death, and what’s going on in Mystic Falls.   So, Caroline gives him these . . .

Just kidding!  But Caroline REALLY does seem to have told Matt everything that’s been happening on the show, at least, everything that has happened since she became totally awesome a vampire.  (I wonder how long THAT took!) 

Then, Cry Baby Matt tells Caroline that he’d rather not know all this Scary Stuff. WUSS! So, he asks Caroline to compel him to forget everything he just BEGGED her to tell him, moments earlier.  (Way to WASTE CAROLINE’S TIME, MATT DONVA$$HOLE!)  Reluctantly, Caroline obliges . . .

Source

“Don’t worry, Matt. Vampires and werewolves don’t really exist . . . And Santa Claus is real . . . and so is the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny.  Also, there is no war, or poverty, or hunger.  The world is a Perfect Place.”

The Big Twist comes just seconds later, when Matt hops into  . . . Mama Forbes car and starts boning her reveals everything.  “I did what you said.  I drank that vervain stuff, got [Caroline] to tell me everything, and then told her to make me forget it.  I think she DIED,” Matt whines to Caroline’s mom.  Caroline’s mom tearfully agrees . . .

Well YEAH, GENIUSES!  She DID die!  That’s what makes her a VAMMMM-PIRRRRRRE!

Honestly, I don’t know who made me madder in this scene:  (1) Matt, for manipulating Caroline, and then (AFTER hearing her obviously HEARTFELT, and extremely guilt-ridden, confession about what’s been going on in Mystic Falls) STILL not believing her to be the same sweet girl he supposedly fell in love with not too long ago . . . just because she happens to drink a little blood, every once in a while . . .

“That’s SO racist!”

 . . . or (2) Caroline’s OWN mother, for so easily thinking the worst of her daughter, just on the say-so of Some Dumb Kid She Used to Date.

You know, what?  Why choose?  Here’s what I have to say to BOTH of them!

Source

Come back soon, Tyler!  Your girl, Caroline, NEEDS YOU!

In MUCH Nicer Boy News . . .

Team Salvatore FOR THE WIN (for now . . .)!

How’s this for a rockin’ present?  Upon realizing that EVERY BAD GUY IN THE WORLD has access to the Gilbert home  (Thanks, AUNT JENNA!), and that Elena needs a place where she can be safe, Damon and Stefan decide to DEED LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME OVER TO HER . .  . OMG!  They gave her an ENTIRE MANSION!  Holy CRAP!

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Later, the two brothers bond over booze, and the knowledge that, because THEY are the only ones who know that Bonnie has her witchy powers back, she is  literally their Secret Weapon to Kill Klaus . . .

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Speaking of Klaus, Katherine wakes up on the floor of Sumo Warlock’s hideaway to hear him performing weird creepy chants over an unconscious Alaric’s head.  Then, “Alaric” wakes up . . . and he’s got this disturbingly evil look in his eyes, which makes me think Sumo Dude programmed him to be some Mindless Killing Machine.  But Nu-Alaric is something WAY COOLER THAN THAT! 

“Lovely Katarina.  I’ve missed you,” he warbles in that weird new accent of his. 

Source

“Klaus?”  A dumbfounded, and clearly terrified, Katherine replies.  (And . . . that’s when I peed my pants . . .)

Next week’s episode promises a WHOLE LOT MORE AlarKlaus, not to mention some funky costumes, and a TON of DELENA DANCING!

You can check out the kick ass extended promo for “The Last Dance” here:

Is it Thursday yet? 8)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries Eyecon Convention Day 3, Part 2 – Tyler and Jeremy Reunited!

Hi there, my fellow Fangbangers!  Welcome back to my third, and final, installment of The Vampire Diaries Eyecon coverage!  Today, we will be digging DEEP into the twisted minds of Steven R. McQueen (a.k.a Jeremy “Mini” Gilbert) and Michael Trevino (a.k.a. Tyler “Teen Wolf” Lockwood).  So, get out your shovels, fangirls!

(For those of you interested in additional Eyecon coverage, feel free to check out my “recap” of Paul Wesley’s Q&A, here and my, admittedly gushing, recounting of Ian Somerhalder’s Q&A, here.)

This particular blog post is dedicated to my FAVORITE Trevino Fangirl and Forwood / Taroline Shipper, Cherie over at My Spidey Sense is Tingling.  Definitely check out her blog for the most comprehensive, and best-written, Forwood-related TVD coverage on the ENTIRE internet.  I promise you, this is not an exaggeration.

So, are you ready for some juicy tidbits, and crazy Trevino / McQueen hijinks? 

Awesome!  Then, let’s get started . . .

Michael Trevino and Steven R. McQueen seem to work a lot of their press junkets and conference Q&A sessions together.  Having watched this dynamic duo in action, I can definitely see why!  On the show, Tyler and Jeremy may be forever teetering between being at one another’s throats . . .

. . . and bonding over their respective sometimes – broody natures, artistic talents, and the recent losses of both of their fathers.

But in real life, the relationship between these guys isn’t nearly as angst-y.  They are bromantic buddies, plain and simple. 

That definitely comes across when you see these two interact with one another.  Watching Michael’s and Steven’s easygoing banter on stage, as they jovially tease one another, and exchange inside jokes, you can tell that these actors are genuinely enjoying eachother’s company, as well as the company of their fans.  The laidback and inclusive atmosphere, made this Q&A session feel more like an evening spent sharing beers with friends, than a formal press junket.  And, for me, that is a VERY good thing!

So, how close are Michael’s and Steven’s personalities to the characters they play on the show?

Steven actually seems fairly different from Jeremy.  Whereas Jeremy seems quiet, kind of serious, and a bit of a loner, Steven is extremely outgoing, energetically animated, and gregarious . . . sort of a Class Clown type.  And yet, according to Steven, he and Jeremy actually share some similar interests.  Like his television doppelganger, Steven LOVES comic books and all things- animation. 

Of the two, I’d say Michael Trevino has more in common with his character . . . at least, the kinder, gentler, version of his character that we have come to know and love in Season 2.  A bit more reserved than Steven, but equally engaging with fans, Trevino shares Tyler’s pensive and mysterious nature. 

Every once in a while, Michael will get this grin on his face.  And you just know that there’s this hilarious running dialogue going through his head, which he’s not quite ready to share with the world.  Trevino also shares Tyler’s sly wit and dry sense of humor.

In terms of interests, Trevino is a HUGE television buff!  He loves watching True Blood, Dexter and anything with strong characters, intriguing plots, and a bit of gore.  But he DOESN’T like movies about vampires who sparkle . . .

My apologies, Edward Cullen!

Here’s what the pair had to say, on the following titillating topics . . .

Regarding their characters . . .

Not surprisingly, both actors had some pretty eloquent things to say about the roles they have been inhabiting for the past two years.   As for Steven, he notes that, in addition to getting both physically, and emotionally, beaten down, more than ANY character on this show . . .

 . . .  Jeremy has also genuinely evolved and matured throughout the course of the series.  “He finally seems to be finding himself, and getting what he wants out of life,” Steven explained excitedly. 

(Note: You can tell, by the way he talks about his character, that Steven REALLY doesn’t enjoy being TVD’s Resident Punching Bag.  So, I hope for his sake, and ours, that this aspect of Jeremy’s life will change very soon.)

When asked about Jeremy’s suicide attempt / thwarted vampire conversion in the Season 1 finale, Steven had this to say:

“[After Vicki and Anna died so soon after his parents’ untimely deaths] Jeremy felt like he literally had the Kiss of Death.  Everyone he loved seemed to die on him . . . He felt like a monster.  So, he wanted to physically become one.”

But Jeremy Gilbert wasn’t the only character to undergo a MAJOR transformation throughout the course of The Vampire Diaries.  Aside from literally transforming into a WEREWOLF, Tyler Lockwood also seems to have transformed as an individual. 

 The Tyler of Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries allows himself to trust and care for others in a way that Season 1 Tyler never could.  Suddenly, this character seems more real, and more vulnerable than ever before.  Ironically, the act of undergoing a werewolf transformation has made Tyler more human.

But don’t take my word for it!  Let Michael Trevino tell you himself . . .

“I don’t think anybody was really a fan of Tyler in Season 1,” Trevino notes.  “I know I wasn’t a fan of Tyler, then.  He was a jerk!”

“But then Season 2 came around, and you started to learn more about this guy, and why he is the way he is . . .  His father abuses him.  He feels alone.  And then he’s got this Werewolf Gene to deal with.  Things start happening to him that he doesn’t understand.  And fans began to relate to him, and develop some sympathy for him, because of what he’s going through now.  So, let’s love Tyler!”

(Oh, don’t worry Trevino . . . we DO!)

Regarding shirtlessness . . .

Speaking of those jaw-dropping moments on the show, when male cast members suddenly become clothing-challenged . . .

. . . these last few episodes of the season should DEFINITELY prove interesting for Mini Gilbert, since they promise a possible SEX SCENE between him and Bonnie . . .

“Awwwww YEAHHHH!”  Trevino exclaimed, in an uncharacteristically exuberant moment, when this little tidbit of information was revealed.  (So, either Trevino is a BIG Jonnie fan, or he REALLY likes to see Steven without his shirt on!)

But Steven won’t be the only TVD actor bearing his skin, in the final episodes of the Season.  Another Full Moon is on the horizon, and it promises to bring about Tyler’s return.  You know what that means, Forwood Fans!  Were-Tyler will be making a Very Naked comeback!  (Hopefully Coed Naked . . . if you catch my drift.)

Regarding their characters’ love lives . . .

Well, I already told you that Bonnie and Jeremy were probably going to DO IT this season.  So, it’s safe to say that these two will still be going strong, when TVD returns from its hiatus on April 7th. 

When Steven was asked to choose between his character’s two previous star-crossed lovers, the ever-diplomatic McQueen hedged his bets (though most of the fans in the room, seemed to overwhelmingly support Team Anna). 

The actor was more talkative about Jeremy’s new relationship with Bonnie.  “You know, every time Jeremy gets a love interest, she dies.  So, when I got the script, and saw that I was paired with Bonnie, I thought.  ‘She’s a series regular witch!  She can do all sorts of magical things!  So, she’s probably safe!  Geez, I wonder if I’m the one who’s in trouble now!”

Steven also noted how much he loved working with Katerina Graham.  “She’s a very talented actress and a really great person.  We really enjoy working together.”

But what about Tyler’s once blooming, but now halted, romantic relationship with Caroline?

Unfortunately, Trevino couldn’t really say very much about that, out of fear of spoiling upcoming episodes.  However, he did admit that he enjoyed the supernatural connection that Tyler and Caroline share, and the way in which these two characters relate with one another. 

In fact, when asked why fans should join Team Tyler versus Team Matt, Trevino seemed a bit surprised that this should be such a difficult choice!  “Uh ohhhh,” groaned Steven, playfully slapping Trevino on the back, when the question was asked.

In support of Team Tyler, Trevino had this brief, but effective, response.  “Where’s Matt?”  He snarked, noting his on-screen best-buddy’s / romantic nemesis’ absence from Eyecon.

“Low Blow, MAN!”

Regarding their favorite scenes from the show . . .

 Steven LOVED the scene in which Jeremy, upon first learning that Anna was a vampire, cut his hand, in order to tempt her with his blood.  The plan worked, of course.  And what resulted was a highly erotic episode of mutual handgasming (TM Cherie).  Was it any wonder, that after this, the couple soon ended up in bed together?

Both Steven and Trevino really enjoyed acting in their infamous Bottle-Breaking Fight Scene from Season 1.  “It was just so well choreographed, and cool to take part in,” explains Trevino.

Speaking of well-choreographed fight scenes, Trevino’s favorite episode of the show was Masquerade, in which he, Matt, and, ultimately, Caroline, engaged in a rather Matrix-esque battle of epic proportions.

“What about your first werewolf transformation, [in “By the Light of the Moon”]?”  Steven inquires of Michael.

“Oh, yeah, of course!  That was awesome,” recalls Trevino. 

Indeed!

Regarding what it’s like to play a supernatural creature (versus a human surrounded by them) . . .

When asked whether he would prefer to be a vampire or werewolf, Trevino emphatically said “WEREWOLF!”  He loves the strength and masculinity inherent in this man/ beast amalgamation, and the intensity of the transformation, as it is portrayed on the show. 

But what about Steven?  As we all know, Jeremy is one of the few remaining humans in the regular cast.  Does McQueen ever wish he got to play a more powerful being . . . one who . . . maybe DIDN’T get his ass kicked so often. 

“The way I see it, there are two [male] vampires in the main cast and one werewolf.  But there is only one of ME!  So, I figure they will keep me around for a while.  And I want to keep my job, PLEASE!”  Steven pleaded.

(Hmmm . . . notice how he didn’t mention MATT, as a fellow human.  Interesting . . .  Was that just a slip-up on Steven’s part?  Or should Zach Roerig be worried?)

“He said, what?  Awww, crap!”

Regarding past films, in which they were featured . . .

Hey, did you know that Michael Trevino and Steven R. McQueen BOTH enjoyed stints on Disney films with questionable, and possibly sexually suggestive, titles? 

Trevino starred in Cow Belles . . .

 . . . where he had the opportunity to “touch a lot of teet” . . .

McQueen starred in the high school time-traveling tale, Minutemen . .  .

. . . alongside Chelsea Staub, with whom he had recently broken up.  “It was kind of an awkward experience for me [working so closely with an ex],” Steven admits.  “There was no touching of Cow Belles on the set, not even for a ‘minute.'”

Regarding possible future movie projects . . .

Of all the cast members interviewed, Trevino was the only one who seemed to have a possible feature film in the can.  “It’s a homage to John Hughes, and has a breakfast club sort of feel,” he notes.

“We shot it in Detroit.  Hopefully, something comes of it.”

After a bit of digging, I learned that the film to which Trevino is referring is called The Lowenfish PartyBased on the IMDB synopsis, it DOES sound VERY Breakfast Club-esque, which is DEFINITELY not a bad thing!  Hmm, I wonder if Michael will play the loveable and jocky, Emilio Estevez character . . .

. . . or the Bad Ass, Judd Nelson one?

I guess we will just have to wait and see!

Speaking of films, Steven was asked whether he would ever consider playing his grandfather, Steve McQueen, in a biopic about the accomplished actor’s life . . .

“No, I think that would hit too close to home for me,” admitted Steven.  “Besides, he and I are so very different.”

Regarding the Best On-Set Prank . . .

So, remember that scene in The Return when Uncle / Father John (played by David Anders) was in his hospital bed, clad in patient-garb?

Well, apparently, when he got up to go to the bathroom, one of the crew members rubbed Hershey Kisses in his hospital bed, to make him think he “had an accident.”  (Ewww!)

Take that, BAD DAD!

Regarding cast members from Glee . . .

When asked about his friendship with Mark Salling, the gorgeous actor who plays Puck on Glee .  . .

. . . Trevino noted that he met him once, at the Superbowl.  “[Mark] seems like a pretty cool guy.”

However, Trevino did admit, above the snarky guffaws of McQueen, that he has “a lot of good friends in the Glee cast.”

Hmmm . . . I wonder who he’s talking about here?   Certainly not, his girlfriend, Jenna Ushkowitz (who plays Tina Cohen Chang on the show), right! 😉

Regarding Steven R. McQueen’s Possible Singing Career, Lack of Twitter, and Various Tattoos?

When asked if he would ever be interested in starting a singing career, like his very talented younger brother, Jessarae (who performed at the convention), Steven said, emphatically, “No.” 

“You know, when my brother first started singing, I felt very competitive  . . . and I wanted to see if I could sing too.  So, I put out a video on YouTube . . . and . . . well . . . many people who saw it, told me I should keep my Day Job.”

Well, fangirls, I found that video.  So, you can judge for yourself . . .

Upon being asked why he doesn’t have a Twitter account, Steven responded, “This may sound lazy, but there are a lot of fake accounts out there in my name.  And they seem to do all the work for me!” 

(Funny answer, though I kind of doubt that’s the REAL reason, don’t you?)

By the way, did you know that Steven has a tattoo representing his mommy on his chest?  (She was in the audience at the convention.  How sweet is that?)  Or that he has a happy face on his body that he put there, himself?  (Is that sanitary?)

Now you do!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks!  Thanks so much for taking this little journey to Mystic Falls with me!  It was truly an amazing experience . . . one I undoubtedly will remember for the rest of my life. 

Oh, and special thanks go out to my Amazing, Super Fun, Talented, and Witty Blogger Pal Amy over at Imaginary Men for LITERALLY taking this journey with me.  Believe me when I say, I NEVER would have done this, if it wasn’t for her.

See you all, April 7th, for the BIG TVD Return!  🙂

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

 

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Filed under Michael Trevino, Steven R. McQueen, The Vampire Diaries

Hooked on Phonics Worked for Elena! (But Not for Elijah) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Dinner Party”

ELENA:  So when it comes to being super hot, and killing supernatural creatures, like it’s your job, you both get A’s.  But as far as reading comprehension and following directions go?  YOU TWO FAIL .  . . MISERABLY!

DAMON:  I am so Hot for Teacher, right now . . .

STEFAN: Is this going to be on the exam?  Because I’ve been in high school for 140 years.  And I’d really like to graduate some time within the next century . . .

It’s not often that you get a supernatural teen television drama, that also stresses the importance of careful READING.  And yet, that’s exactly what this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries taught us.  Though the hour arguably ended “happily” unless you are Elijah, of course (I MISS MY ELIJAH ALREADY!), what happened to our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang this week should serve as a cautionary tale to all of us.   And the moral of the “story” is this:  Terrible things happen to people (and vampires) who fail to READ BETWEEN THE LINES . . . or, in some cases, the LIES.

In other news, all those fans out there who complained that Elena Gilbert is a “wimpy” / “whiny” heroine — who refuses to fight for herself — are currently enjoying “dessert,” right now . . .

Mmmmm . . . crow . . . yummy!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Dark Stefan –  The Prequel (A Jonathan Gilbert Story)

Dear Diary,

Today I OWNED every vampire and human on this show.  So, if anybody EVER compares me to Bella Swan again, I will shove my Original’s Killing Dagger SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES, they will wish they were NEVER BORN . . .

Hugs and Kisses,

Elena

When the episode begins, believe it or not, Stefan and Elena are STILL on their “Romantic Getaway” at the Gilbert Lakehouse.  Even after a fun-filled evening of being stalked, shot at, and held at gun point by a bunch of rabid and drooling werewolves, Stefan and Elena somehow still remain under the assumption that they can salvage their “vacation.”  Their idealism is either really inspiring, or incredibly disturbing.  I’m not sure which . . .

Then again, it’s entirely possible that the only reason this couple is sticking around the Lakehouse, is that they dread sharing a car with one another, for the long ride back to Mystic Falls.  After all, tensions have been high, and interactions icy, ever since Stefan found out that Elena plans to kill herself (via Santa Klaus-icide) to save the rest of the Scooby Gang from further harm.  In other words, there has most certainly been NO SEX in the Lakehouse Champagne Room!

This would probably explain why I found THESE in Stefan’s underwear, last night . . .

“Scientifically” speaking, I’m not even sure THIS can happen to vampires.  But if it CAN, it probably happened to Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

Anyway, after their fight, Elena and Stefan are keeping a safe distance from one another.  As for Stefan, he is out on the dock, gossiping, like a little school girl, with his Big Bro Damon . . .

Source

DAMON:  “And that Dorky Werewolf was like, ‘I’m going to kill you.’  And I was like ‘Ow, my neck hurts,’ and then Elijah was like ‘RIPPPPPP, hey Damon, wanna eat some were-hearts with me?’  And I was like ‘Cool!  I still want you dead though.’  And Tyler was like ‘I’m outtie 5,000.’  . . .”

STEFAN:  “Yeah, I know, Damon.  I watched the episode on ITunes, last night . . .”

Meanwhile, Elena is camped out on the couch, reading the “exciting” tale of how her boyfriend once ate all her ancestors, thereby almost preventing her from EVER BEING BORN!

“W TF, Stefan!  I better be getting a REALLY expensive anniversary gift, if you want to make up for this one!”

You guys have met Dark Stefan, right?  You know . . . he was the guy from the “Miss Mystic Falls” episode, that aired last season — the one who ditched his girlfriend at the local beauty pageant, so that he could suck on one of her competitors. 

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Well, he’s BAAAAAACK!  (And I mean WAY BACK . . . like, 1864 . . . back.)

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(By the way, my personal apologies go out to the over 550 people who searched for “Stefan Salvatore Fist Pumping Gif” this morning, and were mistakenly directed to my blog by WordPress, even though I didn’t actually “own” this GIF until about two hours ago.  Oops!)

Thanks to Jonathan Gilbert, and his compulsive need to write EVERYTHING DOWN, we are whisked back in time, to 1864, along with Elena.  Once there, we witness Jonathan Gilbert enjoying a nice “Dinner Party” (Ahhhh . . . parallels!  Gotta love em’!) with the other so-called “Founding Families” of Mystic Falls.  Suddenly, there is a rustling in the trees, outside . . .

So, the “Brave” Jonathan, and another random Town-Founding Dude, head outside to investigate.  Jonathan immediately whips out his trusty Cereal Box Toy Vampire Detector Watch, to determine if EVIL is truly afoot. 

It’s not afoot (YAY!) .  . . and then, suddenly, it is (BOO!).  Within seconds, Founding Dude 2 becomes a Vampire Happy Meal.  So, does Jonathan, for that matter . . .

 Or DOES HE?  As it turns out, in addition to being the owner of cheesy Vampire Detector Watches, Jonathan also wears an Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  And so, he returns to life, after being eaten. This enables Jonathan to ID his killer in his diary.  And I bet you can’t guess who it is?  (I’ll give you a hint:  His name rhymes with Mefan Malvatore.)

“Oh, Stefan!  You have some ‘splaining TO DO!”

Back in Present Day, Stefan saunters back into the lake house.  Apparently, his fun little conversation with Damon has done little to improve his mood.  The Dude still has a MAJOR stick up his ass, over the whole “Elena Suicide Pact” thing.  (Poor Schuck!  He has NO IDEA of the massive sh*tstorm he’s about to walk into.) 

“Still mad?”  Elena asks her beau slyly.

I won’t recap for you EVERYTHING Stefan says in response, because he basically details all of last week’s episode, in his speech.  However, I WILL tell you that he was dumb enough to end his monologue with “That’s the understatement of the century.”  *facepalm*

“YOU would know!”  Elena snarks.  (Silly Stefan!  You walked right into that one . . . or should I say “that pun”!)

Stefan admits that he ate the founding families because he was really hungry because he was pissed at them for what he THOUGHT they did to Katherine.  He hadn’t expected Jonathan for to survive, and finger him (OK . . . that sounded dirty) for the murders.  Stefan then reluctantly agrees to tell Elena all about the fabulous life / redemption arc of 1864-era Dark Stefan.  After all, better she find out all the bad stuff from HIM, than from her half-chewed wackadoo ancestor!

We are then treated to a fun little 1864 taste of what it would be like if Paul Wesley was cast as DAMON SALVATORE, and Ian Somerhalder as STEFAN.  (PERISH THE THOUGHT!)  We see Dark Stefan chilling in his mansion (La Casa de Rich and Awesome — MY HAVE YOU CHANGED!).   Evil Steffy apparently fills his days by screwing the townie girls’ little peabrains out, and then EATING THOSE BRAINS, once he’s finished screwing the bodies attached to them . . .

Enter Cockblock Damon (I can’t even BELIEVE I am using those two words in the same sentence!) with his Adorably Curly 19th Century Hair, and Judgy McJudgerson Puppy Dog Eyes . . .

Good Damon compels all Stefan’s little tartlets to leave La Casa de Rich and Awesome immediately, and never come back — thereby, effectively saving all their lives.  Damon also tells his brother, in his Stefan-iest voice, that the latter’s “appetites” are going to get them both killed, if Dark Stefan is not careful.

Having grown tired of Dark Stefan, and his tendency toward emotion free screw-killings, Damon has decided to skip town ALONE.  Upon hearing this, Dark Stefan shows emotion, for the first time during this flashback.  Clearly, desperate for companionship, he begs his brother to reconsider . . .

“If you stay, I’ll let you eat the girl behind the Piano’s boobs!”

But Damon is far beyond putting up with his Brother’s B.S.  He has already made up his mind . . .

So, a dejected Stefan heads out to a Civil War Battlefield for more Human Snacks.  He comes upon a blonde chick in a hood, and tries to gnaw on her.  The only problem is, she’s a vampire.  In fact, she’s a vampire who WE ALREADY KNOW!

 

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The Awkward Moment when you try to eat a girl (non-sexually, of course), and she ends up being dead . . . ish.

OMG!  It’s LEXI!  Remember her from the 162 Candles Episode?  If not, she was Stefan’s bestie .  . . who celebrated his birthday with him . . . Then, DAMON KILLED HER to cover his ass for murders HE COMMITTED!

GOOD TIMES!

Anyway, as it turns out, it was Lexi who crashed with Stefan during those dark 1864 days.  And it was Lexi who taught Stefan that turning off your feelings isn’t the “right” way to be a vampire.  After all, vampires with NO feelings can’t get horny FALL IN LOVE!  And “love conquers all!”  (OK . . . that whole speech was nauseatingly cheesy!  But we like Lexi, so it’s acceptable from her . . . I guess.)

Perhaps, the most poignant moment of the flashback is when Lexi and, her future murderer, Damon, meet on the stairwell of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, as he is heading out of Mystic Falls, en route to becoming the SUPER HOT, but also DEEPLY wounded and tormented, vampire he is today . . .

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Lexi prophetically warns Damon that the day will come when the anger he is feeling toward his brother for depriving him of his human life, will consume him, and lead him toward darkness.  In return, Damon asks Lexi to promise to take care of Stefan, because he clearly needs it.  And Lexi keeps that promise . . . well . . . until Damon kills her, of course.

You know . . . you’ve really gotta hand it to Stefan.  Here’s a guy who LITERALLY murdered his girlfriend’s entire family.  And, yet, he somehow manages to turn the story of how he did it into a GUILT TRIP against his girlfriend for being willing to die to SAVE HIS LIFE!

At the end of the flashback, Stefan tells Elena that HE never gave up on life, despite having once been a Sociopathic Mass Murderer, so she shouldn’t give up either.  Ummmm . . .  How sweet (?)

“It was a solid effort.  But you are still not getting laid this weekend, you Gilbert EATER!”

Speaking of relics of the past, let’s talk about BONNIE’S POWERS!

From Bewitched to Un-witched

“When I said I was looking for a new ‘Choker,’ this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind . . .”

Oh, Bonnie!  You didn’t really think you’d be able to Mind Rape Luka —

 . . . son of the Big Bad Jonas Brother from Another Mother —  and NOT suffer any consequences, as a result, did you?  Awwww, YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU?  That sucks!

When we first see Bonnie, her and Jeremy are alternating between eye f*ckery, and dancing around the issue of their little makeout session from last week . . .

After THAT KISS, and weeks and weeks of these two circling one another like dogs in heat, I REALLY can’t believe that Bonnie is STILL yammering on with her whole “What will Elena think, if I start boning her brother?” nonsense.  It’s annoying!

Jeremy obviously thinks so too.  But, fortunately, for Bonnie, he  unlike ME also finds it endearing.  For this reason, Jeremy plans to woo Bonnie by planning a not-date / date — one that expertly masquerades as “Witch Practice.” 

Damn, I’m SMOOOOTH!”

That being said, I did have a teensy weensy bit of an issue about Jeremy using thousands of friggin candles as “date decoration.”  Not only is that a MAJOR FIRE HAZARD (Honestly, doesn’t the Gilbert Household have enough PROBLEMS, without you trying to BURN IT DOWN, Scrappy Doo?), it also kept reminding me of the LAST TIME Bonnie and Jeremy found themselves surrounded by similar “date decorations” . . .

Yeah . . . ummm . . . Jeremy?  Last I checked, kidnapping, mind rape, and spell-induced seizures?  Not exactly romantic!

Fortunately for Jeremy, Bonnie isn’t bothered by the candles nearly as much as I am.  And, within moments, her and Jeremy are dry humping “channeling eachother’s energies” on the floor.  (So, that’s what the kids are  calling it, nowadays! ;))

Then, suddenly, THIS HAPPENS . . .

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*sings*  “Ooh, what a feelin’!  When you’re dancin’ on the ceiling!”

That’s right, boys and girls!  As it turns out, Papa Warlock is not too keen on the whole “Mind Rape of his Son” thing.  So, after throwing Jeremy AGAINST THE WALL OF HIS OWN HOUSE, and MAKING HIM STICK THERE, like a Giant Human Spitball, Jonas turns his attention to Bonnie, who he strangles, while chanting gibberish.  “This is for your own good,” he tells her.

When Jonas finally lets Bonnie go, and Jeremy can peel himself off the wall, the latter rushes to his new gal pal’s side, to make sure she’s OK.  “He took my powers,” Bonnie gasps, as if unable to believe that this is really happening to her. 

(OH, BELIEVE IT HONEY!  BECAUSE IT”S TRUE!  A guy like Jonas, who can murder dozens of werewolves with a Headache Spell, can SURELY take away YOUR lame-ass powers, in a heartbeat.)

“I’ll get you my, Bonnie!  And your Mini Gilbert too!”

All kidding aside, I actually think there is something to be said for Jonas’ seemingly throwaway comment to Bonnie that he took her powers away, for her own good.  After all, we all know that WITCHES are extremely important to vampires, particularly ORIGINAL vampires like Santa Klaus, who are intent on breaking the Moonstone Curse.  We also know that Jonas’ daughter is being held captive by Klaus BECAUSE of her powers.  If Bonnie is just boring and annoying normal, she will no longer be at risk to be targeted by dangerous supernatural creatures with ulterior motives.  Just sayin’!

Uh Oh!  Bonnie didn’t seem to like that comment.  I really hope she doesn’t give me . . . Oh wait, that’s right, she can’t do ANYTHING to me anymore, can she?  Because she doesn’t have powers!  HAHA! 😉

Now that we’ve gotten all THAT out of the way, on to the GOOD STUFF . . .

*ahem*  Good “stuff” indeed!

Elijah Does His Best Impression of Kenny from South Park

Oh My GOD!  You killed ELIJAH . .  . and un-killed him . . . and killed him again!  YOU BASTARDS!

When we last saw Damon, he was a bit . . . indisposed . . .

But now, our sexy vampire stud is BACK, and READY FOR BUSINESS!  And this week, that “business” involves killing Elijah (TO SAVE his future girlfriend ELENA . . . WHO HE LUUUUUUVES, of course). 

To do this, Damon plans to use a Special Dagger, coated with dust from a White Oak tree . . .

According to Creepy Uncle / Father John, only THIS type of dagger can kill an original vampire.  But Damon (wisely, as it turns out) doesn’t 100% trust Creepy Uncle / Father John.  And so, to corroborate the legend, our Lonely Lothario decides to pay a little visit to the tomb-trapped Katherine, who, admittedly, has been looking a bit, worse for wear, of late . . .

 SOMEONE needs to moisturize!  Oh . . . and that Bottlecap Nose Ring of yours?  Not cute . . . AT ALL!

Katherine perks up a bit, when Damon feeds her some blood.  However, that happiness appears short-lived, when Damon starts discussing how he plans to kill Elijah.  “If you kill Elijah, I will be stuck in here forever!”  Katherine lies through her fangs exclaims!

This FACE = HILARIOUS!

Damon immediately takes Katherine’s faux frightened response as confirmation that John was right.  Originals CAN be killed!  And this dagger is the way to kill them!  With the murder weapon confirmed, Damon begins to put Phase Two of his plan into motion.  He does this by compelling his new Stepford Sex Toy Andie to invite Elijah, Jenna, and Alaric all over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for a Dinner Party . . .

“Just because I’m planning to kill you, doesn’t mean I don’t have a Massive Boy Crush on you, Elijah . . . you heartbreaking, hair-flipping stud, you!”

(Speaking of homoerotic, did anybody else notice the MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MASCARA AND GUYLINER Alaric was wearing, this week?  What was up with that?)

Don’t even TRY to tell me that’s natural!  It’s NOT!

As for the Dinner Party itself, it is probably one of the most awkward, bizarre, and hysterical social events of the ENTIRE SERIES!  I mean, first you’ve got Elijah . . .

 . . . who’s alternating between flirting shamelessly with EVERYONE in the house (male AND female) threatening Damon and Alaric that he will KILL the entire guest list, if they try any “funny stuff” (like . . . say . . . trying to stab him with an oak-coated dagger), and spouting off lame, and incredibly BORING, historical tidbits about Mystic Falls . . .

Then, you’ve got Guyliner Alaric . . .

 . . . who spends most of the dinner pouting in the corner, because (1) he’s jealous of the attention Elijah is paying to Useless Aunt Jenna (though, admittedly it’s unclear WHICH of these two people he is actually jealous OF); and (2) he is certain that his bromantic buddy Damon is lying to him, when he says that the Dinner Party is nothing more than a “fact-finding mission.” (The only FACT Damon is interested in “finding” is how much an Original BLEEDS when he dies.)

Then, there’s Useless Aunt Jenna . .  . zzzzzzzzzz

 .  . . nd Stepford Sex Toy Andie, who Damon has probably compelled so many times that the entire frontal lobe of her brain has turned to cottage cheese . . .

*crickets chirping*

And .  . . WAIT A SECOND . . . who the heck invited Creepy Uncle / Father John?

When it comes time for “dessert,” Damon coyly separates Elijah from the pack so they can have AWESOMELY HOT VAMPIRE SEX he can stab his MASSIVELY OLD guts out.  And he is just about to do so, when, conveniently enough, Alaric gets a frantic call Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

As luck would have it, Jonathan Gilbert wrote about KILLING ORIGINALS in his diary.  There’s even a picture of that dagger John gave Damon in Jonathan’s writings.  And under the picture it says . . . THE DAGGER CAN ONLY BE USED BY A HUMAN . . . BECAUSE IF IT’S USED BY A VAMPIRE, THE VAMPIRE DIES TOO!

OH NO!  Creepy Uncle / Father John TRIED TO KILL MY DAMON by getting him to KILL MY ELIJAH!  THAT BASTARD!

Could someone remind me again WHY they put THIS GUY’S FINGERS BACK ON, afte Katherine CHOPPED THEM OFF in the season one finale? 

Just imagine how much TROUBLE could have been prevented, if these “little piggies” had gone into the trash compactor, like they were SUPPOSED TO!

Now, it’s important to note here, that AS SOON AS ELENA read the passage about Damon possibly dying, Stefan RUSHED RIGHT OFF TO CALL ALARIC, without reading the additional “rules” about the dagger.  Granted, this might have been necessary, because, Damon was just MOMENTS AWAY from stabbing Elijah, when Alaric ran in to hand him THIS . .  .

(Not that any of you care, but I have TERRIBLE handwriting, myself.  So, the fact that Alaric ALSO writes like a toddler, makes me like his character SO MUCH MORE!)

Needless to say, Damon is not pleased AT ALL . .  .

But then, just when you think Damon might do something rash, like murder Creepy Uncle/Father John (DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!), or start pummeling Elijah with his bare hands (which, admit it, would be really hot!), THIS HAPPENS . . .

And then Elijah starts to look like this . . .

. . . which is SO NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR HIM.  And it’s a TOTAL SHOCK, because, really, this is NOT the way you would expect a BAMF like Elijah to go out.  I mean, he wasn’t even standing when it happened, he was SITTING DOWN, TALKING ABOUT DULL ASS MYSTIC FALLS HISTORY, for crying out loud.  He didn’t even have time to do his trademark hair flip!  It would have been a travesty for Elijah to have died this way.  Notice, I said “would have been” . . .

So, while Team Bad Ass members, Damon and Alaric, are giving eachother manly backslaps . . .

 . . . and Alaric is whining to Damon, about how he’s his only friend (NOT TRUE!), so he should be more honest with him (well  . . . THAT part is true!) . . .  Stefan has finally decided to let Elena read the REST of Jonathan’s entry about the dagger.  And get this:  it turns out, an Original is only dead for as long as the DAGGER STAYS IN HIS BODY.   ONCE YOU . . .

 . . . ahem . . . EXTRACT IT . . . The Original  Vampire COMES BACK TO LIFE!

So, let me get this straight . . . “pull IT out” = nothing happens

“keep IT in” = DEAD VAMPIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY

In other words, this is The Rhythm Method of Vampire Murder. . .  and Alaric, who has always been a “pull it out” kind of guy . . .

 . . . didn’t exactly DO IT correctly, if you catch my drift.

So, we cut back to Damon, who, after promising his BOYFRIEND that he won’t “lie to him anymore,” has returned to the basement to collect his Original Vampire Trophy. 

Oh yeah, Elijah is SO ALIVE and SO MIA!  (And I hate to say it, but I’m kind of glad.)  I bet you can’t guess where our Undead-undead BAMF-pire went next?

That’s right, Fangbangers!  A gentleman until the very end, Elijah WALKED his beautiful butt ALL THE WAY TO THE LAKE HOUSE, so that he could PERSONALLY tell Elena that, in light of recent events, all promises he originally made regarding Scooby Gang protection were hereby waived.

“You have nothing left to negotiate with,” Elijah explains, with what I detect is a genuine note of sadness.  (I really think the Old Vamp had a soft spot for our Elena.  And why not? EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.)

But Elena DOES have a bargaining chip.  “Promise me you won’t harm anyone I love, even if they harmed you.  Otherwise, I will stab myself to death with this dagger.  Then Stefan will turn me.  And I will become a vampire.  Just like Katherine did.  And you will have nothing.”

Elijah smiles, clearly enjoying this.  “I’m going to have to call your bluff,” he explains.

Then THIS HAPPENS!

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Now, the usually calm Elijah is FREAKING THE F*&K OUT!  “Yes, yes, you have the deal .  . . LET ME HEAL YOU!” Elijah exclaims. 

And it’s awesome seeing him unhinged like this.  Somehow, Elena, has managed to get the upper hand over an original vampire, in a way that nobody else has been able to so far.  HE NEEDS HER.  After securing Elijah’s word that he will not harm the people she loves, a dying Elena moves toward Elijah . . . and . . . STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH WITH THE ORIGINALS KILLING KNIFE!

Now, Elijah is dead . . . for real this time .  . . which, actually saddens me.  I’m going to miss THIS . . .

And so will DAMON, I think!  Speaking of Damon, it is at this moment that he MAGICALLY APPEARS . . .

“Just a tip.  Don’t pull the dagger out,” Big Bro Salvatore notes wryly.  (OH DAMON!  How I love you, let me count the ways!)

Speaking of people of I love, HOW AWESOME IS ELENA!  Then, after singlehandedly saving the day, our girl impresses me even further by giving her vampire men the WHAT FOR, for WRONGLY ASSUMING they knew better than she did how to handle this whole “Doppelganger” THING.  “You want me to fight?  I’ll fight, but you can’t keep things from me anymore.  From this moment on, we do things MY WAY,” Elena demands, in a surprisingly KATHERINE-LIKE TONE.

The boys AGREE!  And I’ll say it again, ELENA RULES!

Oh . . . to be in the middle of this Salvatoreo Sandwich right now!

In other news, Useless Jenna sort of /kind of dumped Alaric for being dishonest to her about TWO SEASONS WORTH OF VAMPIRE DIARIES EPISODES ex-wife Isobel and her undeath. 

Maybe she’s not so useless after all . . . (Wait . . . did I just say that?)

Then, Alaric surprisingly relented and gave Creepy Uncle /Father John the UglyAss Ring of Immortality he TOTALLY DOESN’T DESERVE, warning him, “After what you did to Damon, you are going to need it more than I am.”

Be afraid, ASSHAT!  BE VERY AFRAID!

Back in the AWESOME SHOWER fo La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Just reminding you why it’s awesome . . . that’s all!

Damon walks in on THIS . . .

And my TEAM DELENA heart starts doing this . . .

But, of course, it’s not’s Elena . . . It’s KATHERINE!  That’s right, Damon!  Killing Elijah didn’t TRAP the Sexy Vamp in the tomb forever, it FREED HER FROM the Original’s Compulsion! 

Remember how earlier in the season Creepy /Uncle Father John promised Katherine that he had set plans in motion to get her out of the tomb, so that SHE could help protect Elena from Klaus?  Well THIS was exactly what he meant .  . . killing Damon was probably just be an added bonus for HIM.

However, it happened, KAT IS NOT ONLY BACK, SHE IS MOVING IN TO LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME?  Does this mean us Kefan fans will FINALLY get the sex scene we were so RUDELY denied a few episodes back? 

Here’s HOPING!

Something tells me, Elena is NOT GOING TO BE PLEASED!

Let the Doppelganger Hijinx ENSUE!  You can check out the EXTENDED version of next week’s promo, “The House Guest,” right here. 

Do I sense some HOT Delena moments in our near future?  I SURE DO!  (Who cares if it’s a case of mistaken identity?  They ARE RUBBING UP ON EACHOTHER.  AND I’m HAPPY, DAMMIT!)

It’s only a matter of time!

And that’s all I’ve got folks.  Feel free to sound off in the comment section about “The Dinner Party,” and/or your thoughts on “The House Guest.”  Are you sad Elijah’s gone for good?  Are you psyched for Katherine’s return?  What is the most AWFUL TORTUROUS death to which Damon can subject Creepy Uncle / Father John?  My vote is for something that involves leeches . . . and private parts.  But that’s just me ;).

See ya next week, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

“Stronger, Meaner . . . SEXY!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Premiere “The Return”

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

                                            –– lyrics from Elton John’s oh-so-apropos-to-this-episode song, “The Bitch is Back”

*      *       *       *

“But you’re different.  Stronger, meaner . . . SEXY!”

These iconic words were uttered by Katherine at around the halfway point of The Vampire Diaries Season Premiere episode, “The Return.”  And, while they were certainly accurate, regarding the person to whom they refer [Stefan], if this episode is any indication, I would extend the comment to the ENTIRE Second Season of The Vampire Diaries.  After all, “The Return” was ALL of those adjectives, rolled into one deliciously bloody package.  STRONGER . . .

MEANER . . .

and most definitely SEXY!

But before I begin recapping this AMAZING episode, perhaps we should get some “academic” stuff out of the way, first.  If you are a “fangbanger” (i.e. LOVER of all things VAMPIRE) like I am, you probably already know that this genre comes with RULES.  And each vampire story — be it a television show, or a movie, or a book — tweaks those rules a little bit, to meet its needs.   Here are some examples:

Rule:  All vampires must act suspiciously Mormon . . .

Rule:  All vampires must act definitively NOT Mormon!

Understanding the vampire RULES of a particular story is important because it will help you understand the story itself.  It also might help you to predict what comes next.  And being able to predict what comes next, makes you SMART.  Kind of like THIS GUY . . .

The Vampire Diaries’ RULES were of particular importance to this episode  – perhaps, more so than any episode of the show that has aired so far.  So, without further adieu.  Here are our RULES:

1) The Ugly Ass Ring of (sort of) Immortality

For whatever reason, The Vampire Diaries has put much emphasis on this . . . the ugliest ring I have EVER SEEN!  This is the kind of ring that, if a kid found it in his cereal box, it would probably make him cry . . .

In fact, I’m convinced that the reason that people tend not to DIE when they are wearing this ring, is that they wouldn’t want to be caught DEAD IN IT!  (Sorry, Papa Gilbert!)  Ugly Ass Ring protects the wearer from death by any supernatural being, regardless of whether the death itself contained within it any sort of supernatural element.  So, for example, Ugly Ass Ring would protect you from Damon, and his penchant for breaking people’s necks . . .

. . . or HUNGRY Stefan, and his tendency toward the Accidental Draining of Humans . . .

. . . or Katherine and her love of (staking, hand chopping, pillow smothering, strangling, carotid artery devouring, etc.)

But, it would not protect you from drowning (again, sorry Papa Gilbert!) or from Useless Aunt Jenna BORING you to death . . .

(Note:  Ugly Ass Ring is not to be confused with “Sunscreen Ring,” which Damon, Stefan, Katherine, and seemingly EVERY vampire on the show wears to enable them to walk in the sun.  Clearly, there was a HUGE sale on Sunscreen Rings back at Vamp-Mart!  Ugly Ass Rings, however, are exceedingly rare.)

2) The Healing Powers of Vampire Blood

If ingested prior to, or shortly after injury, Vampire Blood can heal you, or, possibly, SAVE YOUR LIFE!

But it only lasts about 24 hours.  After that, you get hurt?  Get dead?  YOU’RE SCREWED!

3) Turning into a vampire . . .

If you’ve ingested vampire blood, and then DIE the same day — OR you ingest vampire blood at or near the time of your death — you WILL become a vampire.  Once that happens, you have THREE DAYS to feed on human blood, or you will die . . . for good, this time.

So, now that we’ve all got our RULES down, LET’S START THE SHOW!

“911.  What’s your emergency?”

Season 2 picks up literally right where Season 1 ended.  However, it replays the events from a slightly different perspective, so that fans can fill in the gaps of what actually went on here.  Again, we see Damon kiss Katherine, thinking she’s Elena . . .

. . . which is interrupted by LAME and Useless Aunt Jenna’s arrival.   She also INVITES Katherine inside!  (MORON!)  Useless Aunt Jenna then conveniently leaves to “talk to the fire chief,” or something else random like that.  Katherine explains this to Uncle / Father / Whatever John Gilbert, before CHOPPING HIS FINGERS OFF AND STAKING HIM IN THE TUMMY!

That’s ONE way to dispose of the Ugly Ass Ring . . .

Cut to Elena chatting with Stefan about how her “stuff” got stolen (by Katherine).  She wants Stefan to pick her up at the house and take her to the hospital to check on Caroline.  But when Elena enters the house she finds THIS . . .

Elena attempts to staunch John’s bleeding, while calling for an ambulance.  However, she SHOULD be calling for THIS GIRL, instead . . .

 John whispers something to Elena.  She can’t hear him, so she asks him to repeat himself.  “BEHIND YOU!”  He repeats, echoing what fans have been yelling at their television screens during the ENTIRE 911 call!

Elena then rushes up to Jeremy’s bedroom and finds him, as Season 1 left him, OD’ed on pills, passed out, and with a smidgeon of Vampire Anna’s blood in his system.  (IS HE DEAD?  HAS HE TURNED VAMP?) 

Elena screams his name a few times, and shakes him.  At first he is unresponsive.  However, after what seemed like WAY TOO LONG, he awakens, gasping loudly for air.

Cue the title card, which I am told is NEW, but looks more or less the same to me.  (I think they just added a blood drip, and took the old flower away.)

The CW Graphics Department:  Changing the way you view The Vampire Diaries . . . one missing flower at a time . . .

“You mean, I’m NOT a vampire?  Damn!”

Stefan arrives just as Uncle / Father / Whatever John is being carted off into the ambulance.  Elena rushes to Stefan telling him what SHE thinks happened — that one of the Tomb Vampires (a.k.a. Hidey Hole Vamps) followed her home, and staked Uncle / Father / Whatever for sh&ts and giggles.  Elena then takes Stefan into Jeremy’s room, where Stefan does some sort of creepy Jedi Mind Trick on him, to make sure he’s not a vampire.  (Why not just check his pulse?)  “He’s fine,” Dr. Stefan confirms.

“You mean, I’m not a vampire?  Damn!”  Jeremy pouts, reminding us just how young the character actually is. (And, in the process, making all fans over the age of 20, feel just a little dirty for lusting after him, in his new tan and floppy hairdo).

Elena can’t understand, for the LIFE of her, why ANYONE would want to be undead, and she tells Jeremy as much . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF STEFAN.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . way to be a supportive girlfriend, Fangbanger!)

Apparently, Elena only likes SPECIFIC portions of “vampire” inside of her . . .

Dr. Stefan explains to Jeremy that he didn’t take enough pills to off himself (SUICIDE FAIL!).  The “Kinder Gentler Vamp” then slaps Jeremy around a bit for talking back to Mommy and not eati