“Tell me something, Katherine! What products do you use on your skin? I’m going to tell Elena get them. Because you, my dear, don’t look a day over 150.”
He is a Vampire with a Heart of Gold . . . and some SERIOUS rage issues . . .
Welcome back tight Hoodie of Hedonism. We sure have missed you!
She is a Vampire with a Heart of Coal, with a serious aversion to wearing sensible shoes . . .
“Flats? Who the hell wears flats? I don’t even know what those ARE!”
As a couple, they enjoy past-times such as: staking one another . . .
. . . playing dress-up . . .
. . . invading eachother’s personal space . . .
. . . lying / manipulation . . .
. . . and, most importantly, hard core S & M . . .
In short, they are just like YOU and YOUR boyfriend!
So, while the promos for this episode tauted it as being the hour that, once and for all, pitted Katherine against Elena . . .
. . . I would prefer to refer to it as the episode that created TEAM KEFAN!
So, without further adieu, let’s take a nice stroll down “Memory Lane.”
“A Dream is a Wish your heart makes . . .”
The Year is 1864. It is the night of the Founders’ Day Ball, which is being celebrated in the Lockwood Mansion. Katherine has chosen Stefan to be her escort to the Ball, over Damon, because Little Salvatore is “the better dancer.”
(That should have been your FIRST clue that this was a Dream Sequence. Stefan? The better dancer? Need I remind you of a little episode I like to call “Miss Mystic Falls?”
. . . Oh, and let’s not forget about this . . .
Sorry, Stefan! I love you. But you are NEVER going to beat your brother in Dancing with the Vampire Stars.)
So, anyway, Stefan and Katherine are at the Founders’ Day Ball, engaging in some serious eye f*cking, when Stefan begins to express some concern for his “poor older brother,” who has been faced with the ignominious fate of going to the Ball STAG!
But WAIT! Damon isn’t alone, after all. SOMEONE is there with him.
And she’s RIDICULOUSLY under-dressed for a ball . . .
Unlike Katherine, Elena is not in the mood to dance. In fact, she would much rather play with Damon’s balls . . .
. . . his pool balls that is!
“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Katherine inquires, pointing the smoochy couple out to a very Broody Stefan. “Don’t fight it. You’ve loved me once. You will love me again.”
Stefan awakens with a start — his “girlfriend” nuzzled into his chest, still fast asleep. She stirs. “What’s wrong, Stefan?” She inquires sleepily.
Stefan tries to ease himself back to sleep, but something is still bugging him. And that “something” has nothing to do with his Bad Dream. Stefan dashes across the bedroom, and looks in horror at the girl with whom he was sharing a sleepy cuddle, just moments before.
“I am getting better and better at this. It is EASY to get in your head,” says . . . wait for it . . . VAMPIRE KATHERINE!
Dammit! I knew I shouldn’t have drank that Easter Bunny before bed. Those cotton tails ALWAYS cloud my judgment!
Stefan tries to scare Katherine away with threats. But this is NOT a girl who scares easily. “We both know I could rip you to shreds, and do my nails at the same time,” the Vampiress remarks casually, examining her well-groomed, but old fogey, fingers, for affect.
Painted with the blood of high school girls who tried to date my ex boyfriend . . .
Unnerved, Stefan insists that Katherine tell him the REAL reason she has returned to Mystic Falls. But Katherine can do better than just ONE reason. “I came back for three reasons, Stefan. You, you, and you,” she replies.
Ummmm, Katherine? Not to be nitpicky here. But . . . isn’t that just the same reason, three times?
“I love you. You love me. We’re an effed up family.”
The Power of Peach Cobbler
“Elena Gilbert, I am going to bring baked goods to your house. And there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it!”
Over at Mystic Falls’ ONLY bar / social establishment, Elena is “studying,” when Damon magically appears . . .
Because this is Episode 4, and we haven’t had a Shirtless Salvatore scene since Episode 1, let’s just pretend Damon showed up at the bar looking like THIS . . .
“So this is where you spend your time, when you aren’t busy stabbing people in the back,” offers Damon, conversationally.
Elena, ever the stickler for proper, dictionary-approved, insults, quibbles with Damon’s terminology. “I tricked you into telling the truth. That is not the same as stabbing you in the back. That’s using your own tactics against you.”
“Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEE!”
“I thought I made myself clear that I want nothing to do with you,” sneers Elena.
“OK. See you at Useless Aunt Jenna’s barbecue!” Damon sing-songs.
That’s right, Elena! When Damon Salvatore isn’t getting laid, he becomes very Sherlock Holmes-y. So, this is ALL YOUR FAULT! Apparently, Damon had casually suggested to Alaric that he and his new Useless Girlfriend, Aunt Jenna . . .
. . . hold a barbecue at Jenna’s house, and invite all of Jenna’s old high school friends. However, Useless as Aunt Jenna is, she only actually had one friend in high school (well . . . two . . . really . . . but that Logan guy is dead, so . . .). Of course, I’m talking about THIS GUY . . .
Geez! The boys sure didn’t look like that in MY high school!
Contrary to what Alaric might have been led to believe, Damon’s reason behind suggesting the barbecue, had nothing to do with getting back into Aunt Jenna’s good graces, by using peach cobbler . . .
Rather, it had EVERYTHING to do with getting into Elena’s pants “silvering” Mason Lockwood — thereby exposing him as the “Wolf in Stud’s Clothing” he really is!
Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion, Mason is still refusing to tell Tyler how the “werewolf curse” is activated . . .
Curse? That looks more like a BLESSING to me!
. . . and Tyler is still hiding Mason’s “family jewels.”
Somehow I always imagined Mason’s “jewel” being . . . bigger. Didn’t you?
Raising the stakes . . .
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan and Katherine are still engaged in an intense game of Slap the Salami Cat and Mouse. Katherine, who is clearly the Houseguest from Hell, has already made herself at home, reading Stefan’s diary, drinking Damon’s blood, and fondling the Salvatore Brothers’ personal belongings. In her reading, Katherine couldn’t help but notice that the Salvatore Detective Agency had recently encountered werewolves in Mystic Falls. “What do you know about werewolves?” Stefan inquires, defensively.
“I know enough not to pet one,” jokes Katherine.
“Awwww! You’re a sweet puppy, aren’t you? Yes you are! Yes you are . . . Hey . . . Owwwwww! I needed that arm!”
Through a series of flashbacks, Vampire Katherine explains Mystic Falls’ long history with werewolves — specifically, the role the Lockwood Werewolves had in the destruction of the Hidey Hole Vamps back in 1864. Coincidentally, it was the Lockwood Werewolves who “outed” the Mystic Falls vampires, in order to cover up their own messy lupine-esque murders. The werewolves in question were led by, pillar of the community, and Civil War veteran, George Lockwood (played by the INSANELY sexy, Simon Miller).
But before Katherine will reveal any more information about George and the werewolves, she has some questions for Stefan. “Why did you keep this picture?” She inquires, holding up the very same grainy photo that so TOTALLY creeped out Elena, the first time she and Stefan “did the deed.”
“You didn’t come back for, Elena. You came back here to fall in love with me all over again, didn’t you?” Katherine coos.
Stefan moves toward her slowly, as TVD fans collectively hold their breaths. He then runs his hand across her cheek, and looks deeply into her eyes. “What is it about you . . . that makes me still care?” Stefan whispers.
The two start making out hard core!
And it is HOT, with a capital “H”. But you know what’s hotter? When he STAKES HER ASS!
And, as if all of this wasn’t kinky enough? Stefan then chains Katherine up in his basement. He then angrily knocks over a chair, and tosses it across the room, as he rushes toward her — growling and groaning, just inches from her face, while he torturously tickles her with vervain plants.
“I am so turned on right now. You have NO IDEA!”
As Stefan tries to get to the heart of the REAL reason behind Katherine’s return, Katherine continues to fill in the blanks from that fateful night in 1864, when (1) the Salvatore Brothers were turned vamps; (2) the Hidey Hole Vampires first were entombed, and (3) Katherine escaped Mystic Falls. According to Katherine, she had struck a deal with George the Werewolf Lockwood. Katherine gave up all of her vampire friends and family, in exchange for safe passage out of Mystic Falls on the night of the raid. She also gave George the same precious moonstone that Mason has been so intent on getting from Tyler this Season.
You know what that means, don’t you? Remember that whole Big Brave Effort the Salvatore Brothers made to rescue Vampire Katherine from the clutches of the evil townspeople? You know, the one that resulted in their DEATHS at the hands of their own FATHER, as well as their subsequent rebirths, as a result of Stefan EATING THEIR FATHER?
Yeah, that was all a TOTAL WASTE OF TIME!
But here’s the kicker . . . lies and manipulations aside, Katherine and Stefan (those two crazy old fogeys), really did seem to be in love, back in the day!
Stefan was definitely NOT under compulsion, when he first told Katherine that he loved her, on the night of the Founders’ Day Ball. “I’ve never met a woman quite like you. You are an angel. (Katherine? An ANGEL? HAHAHAHA) When I touch your skin my body ignites. I kiss you, and I know that I am falling in love.”
(Sappy . . . but sweet. Who knew our Little Stefan was so poetic? Then again, Dude does keep a DIARY!)
“Hey! There is nothing wrong with a sexy man who’s in touch with his feminine side!”
And I’ll be darned if our Evil Vampiress didn’t look like quite the smitten kitten, while a 1864 Stefan deftly pawed at her face.
In fact, Katherine was so shocked by the extent of her feelings, that she blew off Damon’s advances later that night — going as far as to COMPEL him to LEAVE HER ALONE!
Who does THAT to boys that look like THIS?
Oh, and when the towns people were about to burn her ass to a crisp, if she didn’t leave town IMMEDIATELY, you know what Katherine did? She WENT BACK . . .
. . . and fondled / made out with Stefan’s CORPSE, telling it that they would one day be “together again.”
Yes! I know it was a hot corpse! But COME ON people! A hot Dead Guy is still a Dead Guy!
Question: If a Dead Girl makes out with a Corpse, would she be considered a Necrophiliac, or just an Equal Opportunist?
I’m not trying to be judgmental Katherine. Every girl has a “type.” Yours just happen to be ancient, sleep in coffins and be maggot-infested. Different strokes, for different folks, I guess. PLEASE don’t eat me . . .
Lamest Barbecue EVER!
Useless Aunt Jenna? Can we talk? You just had a barbecue at your house with THREE HOT MEN — two of whom had superhuman strength . . .
. . . the other one was Alaric.
You could have done ANYTHING you wanted! Fun things! X-rated things! Things that did not require clothing! And you chose . . . PICTIONARY?
ARE YOU INSANE??????????
I love how the writers try to make Useless Aunt Jenna out to be this Uber Slutty Former Rebel. And yet, every time, she appears on screen, she does moronically dull things like this. But while Useless Aunt Jenna proceeds to get wasted at her own party, and, thereby, increasingly more useless, Damon entertains himself, by trying to see how many “wolf” puns he can make at Mason’s expense, before the dog bites him in the nuts.
“Lone wolf, Dances with Wolves, Hungry like the Wolf, the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf in the Three Little Pigs. Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? . . . I’m going to take a shot every time I come up with one of these. Hopefully, being inebriated will make this party more interesting.”
Things between “the Wolf” and “the Vampire” start out friendly enough, with Mason telling Damon, that he has “heard great things about him.”
“That’s weird, because I have a really big ‘m a dick,” replies Damon. (Oh COME ON! Like I was REALLY only girl who “went there” with that comment . . .)
However, after the umpteeth time Damon calls Mason “wolf-something” and tries to “silver” him, our favorite lycanthrope starts to wonder whether something is up. “Listen, I’m not your enemy,” offers Mason, conciliatorily.
“You tried to kill my brother,” notes Damon matter-of-factly. “I mean, granted, I tried to do kill him too a few times during Season 1. But we’re related. So, it’s OK. But for you, it’s unacceptable. The only one allowed to kill Stefan is ME!” (OK, he didn’t say that last part. But he SHOULD have!)
Mason then makes some lame excuse for the attempted murder of Stefan — something about not being able to control himself, after shifting and blah blah blah. “Let’s not spark an age old feud that doesn’t apply to us,” insists Mason, ever the Serene Surfer Dude.
A slightly Drunk Damon reluctantly extends his arm for a manly handshake . . . and then . . . STAKES MASON WITH A SILVER KNIFE!
“That was so totally NOT COOL, dude! You just like need to catch a wave, and CHILL man. Spark a doobie or something!”
Mason is not really so mad at Damon for the whole “trying to kill him thing” as he is about the whole “ruining his buzz” thing. “I was really looking forward to Last Call,” whines Mason. “Now you’ve made an enemy.”
Back at home, Mason gets up in Tyler’s grill, about the teens refusal to give him his “family jewels.” Then, the Lone Wolf / Silver Surfer FINALLY reveals what it is that activates the Lockwood curse. You have to . . . KILL SOMEONE!
Me-thinks Mason Lockwood just got a WHOLE LOT more interesting . . .
Team Mean Girls Strikes Out
From the moment Vampire Katherine stole into Vampire Caroline’s room and told her that they were going to have “so much fun together,” we all knew it would be only a matter of time, before the pair were up to no good. This week, we got to see exactly what “so much fun together” meant. Apparently, Team Mean Girls’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to “Break Up Stefan and Elena” — a task that is easier SAID than DONE.
“Tell me about it! I couldn’t even manage it, and I . . . look like ME!”
For Katherine’s part, she appeals to the “self-sacrificing” side of Stefan, which is, coincidentally, the same trait that convinced Caroline to get Matt to dump her, once she turned vamp. Katherine, who had only pretended to be trapped by Stefan because chains are SEXY so that he would be forced listen to her story (Apparently, she’s built up some immunity to vervain), eventually, frees herself from her chains and attacks Stefan. The vixen even goes so far as to stake Little Salvatore in his Hoo-Ha, after he finds himself morally unable to finish her off.
“You’re kidding, right?”
“I will snap her [Elena’s] neck like a twig, and you know it,” threatens Katherine.
“I will kill everyone she loves, while she watches. And then I will kill her, while YOU watch,” Katherine continues.
(Awwww! How sweet!)
Meanwhile, Caroline is busy engaging Elena in what I like to call the Twilight Talk.
With a whiny-ness that would make Bella Swan proud, Caroline fills Elena’s head with fears of wearing diapers, “while your boyfriend is still ridiculously hot” . . .
. . . never being able to have Baby Vamps . . .
. . . and always having to worry about your boyfriend eating you. When Elena gets worried about Stefan not picking up his phone, Caroline offers to “drive Elena to Stefan’s house, to make sure he’s OK.” Caroline then proceeds to let the air out of her tires, while Elena isn’t looking, so the pair will have to wait for the tow truck driver. Eventually, an Angry Elena ditches Caroline’s Mischievous Butt and escapes to La Casa de Rich and Awesome.
It is there that she runs into Katherine.
The two size eachother up a bit, like a couple of kids playing “Steal the Bacon.” I’m pretty sure, Katherine even went as far as to sniff Elena’s face. Weird.
“How is this possible? How do we look exactly alike?” Elena inquires.
“Easy. We are both played by Nina Dobrev. You are asking the wrong question,” replies Katherine tauntingly, before disappearing into thin air.
Almost immediately, Stefan appears, and gives Elena a much deserved hug.
Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Katherine encounters Damon, and warns him that, if he messes with the werewolves and tries to play hero, he will get himself killed.
“Been there, done that,” remarks Damon boredly. (He’s got a point!)
Later that night, at the only bar / social establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Stefan get into a “fight” over how big of a threat Katherine is to Elena. Elena pouts a bit and acts jealous, while Stefan admits that Katherine had “already come between them.” The last remark causes Elena to stalk off. Then, both Caroline and Damon, who are eavesdropping nearby, with their FABULOUS vampire ears, sprout identical sh*t-eating grins on their faces.
Honestly, the fight seemed TOTALLY fake to me, from the moment it started. I didn’t believe it was real for a second, and have a lot of trouble believing that Damon would fall for a poor showing like that. Nevertheless, later, back at Elena’s house, Stefan and Elena hug again, and vow to keep their continued relationship a secret, in order to protect Elena from the wrath of Katherine, and her new minion, Caroline.
You know what that means don’t you? Lots of SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!
There you have it folks — a trip down “Memory Lane.” So, what did you think? Have you become a Team Kefan convert? How long do you think Stefan and Elena will be able to keep up their “breakup charade?” How far will Caroline fall into Katherine’s clutches to protect herself from harm? Who do you think Tyler will eventually kill to become a full-fledged werewolf? And, finally . . . and most importantly . . . in a fight between Mason Lockwood and Damon Salvatore . . . who do you think would look better naked? 😉
See you next week!