Why does one bad apple vampire have to spoil it for the whole bunch? You see, up until this point on the show, Humans and Vamps? They were getting along JUST FINE!
Sure, there was a certain fringe group of humans that weren’t all too keen on letting the vampires play in their Human Games . . .
But they were just a bunch of religious wackjobs. And no one cares what religious wackjobs think, anyway.
That was before THIS happened . . .
Special thanks to Carol for this awesome GIF!
Suddenly, those “religious wackjobs” were starting to sound mighty convincing to a lot of people. As a result, many of our friendly neighborhood vampires found themselves having to take certain “defensive” measures, to maintain the “status quo” . . . And that was when all the POO really started to hit the fan.
Secrets were revealed, loyalties tested, and plenty of supernatural creatures were forced “out of the closet,” in the process. In fact, so much went on during this episode, that I don’t even know where do begin. Wait . . . yes, I do . . .
Everybody Loves a Good FAIRY tale . . .
After weeks upon weeks of hinting and speculation, Bill finally revealed to Sookie, “her TRUE Nature” (or as Bill calls it, her “Nashahhhhh.”) When she finally finds out, Sookie is less than pleased. “I’m a FAIRY? How f*cking lame!” Sookie gripes.
“Hey! I resemble that remark!”
You know Sookie, there are a lot of WONDERFUL things about being a fairy. After all, every time a bell rings, there’s a chance you may get your wings . . .
Oh, that’s angels? Nevermind . . .
So, anyway, apparently, vampires just go CRAZY for fairy blood! In other words, to Vampire Eric and Vampire Bill, Sookie tastes something like this . . .
This begs the inevitable question as to whether Bill loves Sookie for her spunky, mind-reading, big-boobed self, or because her blood tastes like something he would order at Baskin Robbins. Bill, of course, claims it is the former.
“It is not your blood I love. It is the way you scream ‘BEAAAAAAAAAL’ that really makes my heart flutter and my ear drums burst into flames.“
Bill begins to wax poetic about how much he LUUUUUUVES Sookie, and wants to protect her for all eternity, and blah, blah, blah. While he speaks, you can literally hear the violins playing in the background. Super small ones . . .
When there’s a WILL, Vampire Eric gets his way . . .
Meanwhile, Eric is at Fangtasia, drafting his Last Will and Testament with a lawyer, while Pam (who is looking FABULOUS, in her smokin hot purple leather dress, by the way) looks on, in not-so-silent protest.
“Let’s see, the rest and residuary of my Estate goes to Pam. My heart . . .
. . .and my weiner . . .
. . . belong to Miss Stackhouse. But to whom shall I leave my crown?
Of course! Lafayette – a King’s Crown for my favorite QUEEN!”
Vampire Pam is disappointed in her Maker. It’s not like Eric to just roll over and “play undead,” just because some Big Gay Vampire King is mad at him. She thinks he’s acting like a total pussy, and tells him as much. But Eric, convinced he is about to meet his Maker . . .
Yeah . . . that one too, I guess.
. . . is determined to make his final arrangements. He immediately asks SlutBall Yvetta to act as his witness, while he signs the will . . .
Poor Dumb Yvetta! She actually believed Eric was going to leave all his fortune to HER, just because the pair had a few good rolls in the coffin. OK, a few good SIX-HOUR rolls in the coffin, but still . . .
“But you PROMISED!” Yvetta whines, like the whorish Dancing Baby she is . . .
“I promised you a job and lots of good sex. That’s all,” insists Eric, causing poor Yvetta to wet her diaper, before storming out in tears.
Out, Out, Damn Spot!
“Dammit! This is the THIRD shirt I’ve lost to Vampire Guts. If only there was a way to cope with tough-to-remove stains like these . . .
When we last left Tara, she was being rescued by Jason Stackhouse . . .
. . . who turned her abusive ex-boyfriend, Franklin . . .
. . . into THIS . . .
Poor Franklin, if only he could have used his “Mad Texting Skills” to dial 911, things might have worked out differently for him . . .
We love you too, Franklin . . . you creepy psycho stalker, YOU!
Now, Jason, has had SOME experience killing EGGS . . .
. . . but virtually NO experience, killing VAMPIRES (well, unless you count poor, Vampire Eddie, but that was purely for recreational purposes . . .)
“Did I ever tell you about this time I drank Vampire Blood and got this massive boner for HOURS? Good times!”
So, the elder Stackhouse was, understandably, a little freaked out . . .
I can’t believe I’ve killed such a brilliant texter! Oh the lack of humanity!
So, Tara, who is VERY experienced in the art of Vampire Cleanup, takes charge, instructing Jason to pick up Franklin’s guts . . .
. . . dump them in his truck, and drive them FAR FAR AWAY!
While Jason is handling the first load, Tara takes some time to pay her last respects to the love of her life . . .
Nothing says loving like a LOOGEY!
“Oh, Tara! How I’ve longed to taste your spit again!”
Jason and Tara then ride back to Jason’s house, where Fairy Sookie is waiting for them, and looking for some protection.
Sookie Plays Shrink . . .
“I should really charge by the hour for this!”
Poor Sookie! She came to her brother’s house looking for safety, and some R&R — after being on the run from vamps, werewolves, and maenads for THREE SEASONS without any breaks. But NO ONE will let the Poor Fairy rest! All they want to do is talk her ears off about their petty little problems. First up is Tara, who wants to give Sookie the play-by-play in her neverending “Why I hate vampires” saga . . .
“He made me wear an ugly dress. And he was a VERY bad kisser! It was TERRIBLE!”
Next up was Jason, who inexplicably stayed clothed for the entire episode. And for that reason, he must be PUNISHED!
“Bad for him. Good for US!”
Jason finally admitted to Sookie that HE broke killed Eggs, not Andy.
Take that, recent outbreak of Salmonella Poisoning!
Sookie responds by giving Jason the WORST ADVICE EVER! “Tell Tara.”
Seriously? What good could it possibly have served for Jason to tell Tara about Eggs, just moments after she suffered the traumatic experience of watching her abusive boyfriend die right in front of her, AGAIN!
And yet, tell Tara, Jason did, just moments before the fiesty femme was about to give him a Gratitude F*ck, for saving her from being murdered by Franklin.
“See this, Jason? This is your chances of getting laid during this episode going down the drain . . .”
“Sh&t! Not AGAIN!”
Tara dashes out of that room, faster than you can say “blue balls.”
Next, Vampire Eric comes to visit Sookie . . . TWICE!
The first time Vampire Bill is there.
The second time, he is in SOOKIE DREAMS!
Both times, the message is the same. “Sookie, you want me, and my sexy body . . .
. . . and don’t trust Bill.”
In the first encounter, Sookie more or less blows off Eric. And yet, she is noticeably distraught, when he not-so-subtly alludes to the very real possibility of him meeting his “final death.” It is likely Sookie’s anguish over THIS first encounter, that causes her to DREAM of Eric that night. And that dream . . . well . . . it deserves it’s own BOLD SUBHEADING, don’t you think?
Why aren’t MY dreams like THIS?
Sookie is dozing on the couch, when she awakens to find Eric perched on its armrest, peering down at her. “Will your blood ever wear off? I’m tired of dreaming of you.”
(Hey Sookie, if you ever get tired of dreaming of Eric, I’d gladly take those pesky dreams off your hands for you. No problem.)
“It’s not just the blood. You KNOW you have feelings for me,” whispers Eric, as he leans in closer.
“Ew,” replies Sookie, but her rapid breathing, and “f*ck me” eyes say something else entirely.
Dream Eric then leans in and kisses her gently.
In spite of herself, Sookie closes her eyes and moves in closer. “You know you like this,” probes Eric, kissing the side of her neck, “and this,” he continues, kissing the front of her neck. “And you know you can’t trust Bill. That’s not my blood talking. It’s your survival instinct,” concludes Eric, as he leans in to bite Sookie’s neck.
Sookie sighs in ecstacy, and then (unfortunately) wakes up with a start. She HAS to go see Eric to engage in a hot six-hour sex session with him find out why he said he was about to die, and she can’t trust Bill.
Hallelujah! Dreams CAN come true!
NOT a DREAM!
Sookie sneaks out from the “grounding” Papa Bill Compton enforced on her, and heads off to Fangtasia to visit Eric.
Time for dessert!
Sookie begins the meeting with all intentions of talking business, but Eric is much more interested in enjoying the Sookie Stackhouse Tongue Special, for his “Last Supper.” Eric moves in close to Sookie, invading her personal space with gusto, just like he does in ALL of my favorite scenes, “If I meet the true death without at least having kissed you, Sookie Stackhouse, it would be my biggest regret.”
“That’s what I did during this scene!”
“Why does it sound like you are saying good bye,” whispers Sookie.
“Because I am,” responds Eric mournfully.
And then he leans in . . . and kisses her . . . for REAL! And guess what? She KISSES HIM BACK! And I’m not talking that peck on the lips, “I’m just humoring you, but you really remind me of of my grandpa,” kissing, either. I am talking REAL, HONEST TO GOODNESS MAKING OUT, complete with arms fondling backs, and bodies squeezed tightly together like two halves of a delicious peanut butter sandwich. In short — It’s the moment Sookie and Eric fans have been waiting for. And it. is. AWESOME!
But then Pam (who I usually adore, but not today) has to come and screw it all up.
Pam implores Eric to either give Sookie up to Russell, or USE her, to save his own life. (Note: There was some talk earlier in the episode, of Sookie’s blood permitting vampires to walk in the sun. However, Bill assured Eric that the effect was only temporary.)
In the final scene of the episode, Eric shocks all of us, by carrying Sookie into a dungeon (the same one where he held Lafayette prisoner during the early part of Season 2), and chaining her to a wheel, by her neck.
Who knew Eric was so into S&M?
Sookie immediately concludes that Eric has betrayed her. But has he? Or is he just doing this to save HER life? Only time will tell . . .
Tommy Makes His Move (But So Does Hoyt!)
Back at Merlotte’s, our favorite Baby Vamp and Teen Shapeshifter are working HARD, and getting dirty together on the floor . . .
Unfortunately, Arlene the Ass isn’t helping them AT ALL! Instead, that b*tch is watching TV . . .
And who’s on the tube, you ask? It’s Looney Tunes Hatemonger, Steve Newlin, of course!
For those of you just tuning in, Steve Newlin was one of the main villains of True Blood‘s Second Season. He is the leader of a Vampire Hate cult called the Fellowship of the Sun. The oddly charismatic Steve even briefly indoctrinated Bon Temps own Jason Stackhouse into his Sick Sad Cult World . . .
Fortunately, however, Good Ole’ Jason couldn’t keep it in his pants, as per usual . . . And when he started doing the horizontal mambo with Steve’s wife, Sarah . . .
. . . Steve decided he didn’t want Jason in his little club anymore.
So, anyway, Arlene is busy not-cleaning, and watching Steve Newlin peddle his hate, when she suddenly blurts out, “It was only a matter of time before one of y’all got caught on film.” (“Y’all” obviously referring to Jessica and the rest of her vampire kind.)
OH NO, she DIDN’T!
Well, needless to say, Jessica doesn’t like that comment very much . . .
OK. Now don’t get me wrong. I loved this scene. But the whole “Vampire gets mad and pushes the bad guy (or girl) against the wall, super fast” thing? It happens EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. And it’s getting kind of old. Why can’t they just drop kick the bastards, and be done with it?
Apparently, Jessica has a little something she wants to say to her Good Ole Pal, Arlene. “OK. We get it. You don’t like vampires. Well I don’t like narrow minded skinny bitches with bad dye jobs. But at least I’ve got the courtesy to keep my mouth shut about it . . . most of the time,” seethes the Baby Vamp.
Meanwhile, Tommy, who has been watching this entire exchange take place, is clearly turned on . . .
“Damn! This is better than the porn I watched on PayPerView last night, and charged to Sam’s credit card.”
“You don’t think he knows, do you?”
After Arlene scampers away, like the whiny coward she is, Tommy moves in for the “kill,” telling Jessica how hot her fangs and rage issues are to him. But Jessica is still hung up on Hoyt, and she tells Tommy as much. “Then why are you here with me and not him?” Tommy asks, with surprising amount of bravado, seeing as Jessica has given him NO REASON whatsoever to believe she’s interested.
“If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy, come on Vampire let me know!”
“Because this is my shift. Duh! Because Hoyt is too good for me,” Jessica pouts.
Never much for self-respect (You know what they say about lying down with dogs, after all . . .), Tommy responds, “But I’m not too good for you.”
Then, Jessica leaves his ass. BURN!
Ummm, Tommy. I have a book recommendation for you . . .
Meanwhile, Hoyt is in the car with a VERY HORNY Summer . . .
Summer is ready to do it with Hoyt, because she thinks screwing him will save their dead-in the-water relationship.
“I have a mouth like a hoover, if that helps!”
To Hoyt’s credit, he doesn’t enjoy his Summer. Instead, he grows some balls, and finally kicks the antiquing, porcelain doll collecting, freako to the curb.
“Does this mean no more biscuits?”
Immediately after ditching Summer, Hoyt rushes to the bar to profess his love to Jessica!
But she once again blows him off . . .
When Hoyt storms out, Tommy rushes after him, to rub salt in his nemesis’ wound . . . so Hoyt decks him. Then Tommy turns into THIS . . .
. . . and attacks Hoyt. (Ummm . . . weirdest fight over a girl, EVER!)
When Jessica comes outside, and sees Hoyt being attacked by Doggy Tommy, she easily tosses him into the trees, like he’s a random piece of dust that got on her shirt. It is the coolest thing EVER!
(Another note: It’s uncertain at this point, whether Jessica KNOWS what Tommy is. Perhaps, she just thought Hoyt, was being attacked by some random mangy mutt. Perhaps not . . .)
As Naked Tommy looks on sadly from the bushes, Jessica tells Hoyt she loves him too. She then forces him to drink her blood, to heal his Tommy bites.
Awwww yeah! It’s only a matter of time, before these two are de and re-virginizing eachother regularly once again. And I for one, couldn’t be happier . . .
I’m sorry, Tommy! I know things haven’t exactly been easy for you during this episode. Fortunately, however, I have something that is sure to cheer you right up . . .
Sam Merlotte Gets “Lost”
While Tommy was busy getting beat up by a girl and rejected, his dog partner in crime, Sam, was equally busy altering his entire personality from the past three seasons — by snapping at everyone, drinking heavily, and experiencing flashbacks. Since when did Sam Merlotte become Sawyer from Lost?
“Is this another Flash-Sideways?”
Just like a certain, Flight 815 survivor, apparently Sam Merlotte was somewhat of a con artist in his “past life.” In fact, he made most of his cash by robbing banks and jewelry stores, using his shapeshifting abilities to sneak in and out unnoticed.
“And to think, all this time, I’ve been relying on my good looks and great abs to get me in the door . . .”
In Sam’s little flashback, he seems to have a girlfriend . . .
Yeah, bye bye is right, b&tch!
The girlfriend is played by Arielle Kebbel. And if you know the actress, you knew the character was a goner, the moment she appeared on screen. After all, Arielle bears the dubious distinction of being the girl who’s character gets tragically killed in EVERY SINGLE supernatural TV show or horror movie in which she is featured . . .
This is DEAD Arielle Kebbel in The Vampire Diaries. Believe it or not, she actually played a VAMPIRE in that one . . .
Anyway, apparently, Arielle (or whatever her name was in the episode) was only using Sam, so that she and her boyfriend could get his money and booty . . .
. . . runoff, and live Trashily Ever After. When I heard this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another blonde brat who tried to do the EXACT SAME THING to the man who loved her . . .
Yeah . . . her. Apparently, it was LOST Day on True Blood . . .
So, b&tchy Arielle and her beau escape with poor Sam’s moolah, while Sam lies writhing on the floor, plotting his revenge. He gets it the next night, when he arrives in dog form at the couple’s campsite. (Really? A campsite? All those jewels and cash, and these two couldn’t afford a hotel? What gives True Blood?)
So, Sam morphs back into human form, and holds a gun at Bad Boyfriend’s head . . .
Sam then knocks the dude unconscious and waves the gun over his prone form. Then Arielle takes out a gun and holds it at Sam’s head. Not thinking clearly, Sam instantly shoots his so called lady love dead. In anguish, he then shoots the boyfriend to cover his tracks, and leaves the campsite.
So, NOW we know why Sam was on the run from the cops during the first season! It all makes sense now! I just wonder why he never got around to changing his name, seeing as “Sam Merlotte” may or may not still be wanted for murder . . .
Speaking of Murderers . . .
Arlene FINALLY tells Terry that the baby in her belly is not his, but rather Evil Rene’s. And you know what? Terry is AWESOME about it . . .
He offers to raise the baby as his own, and give it so much love, it can’t possibly turn evil. (Awwww, I heart HIM!)
And yet, Arlene STILL wants to get rid of the baby. So, she asks her new “Wiccan” friend Holly to help her out in this regard.
Arlene is a total Poopyhead!
In fact, that’s what I think I will call her for the rest of the Season . . .
Have a nice trip, boys!
Lafayette’s and Jesus’ story this week, started with a miraculous rescue . . .
. . . and ended with a “trip” that looked like a Disney World ride . . .
“Hey, isnt that the old hag from Snow White? Weird!”
It all started when Trailer Trash Barbie . . .
. . . Crystal, along with Jesus . . .
. . . and Lafayette were driving around with a half-dead Calvin Norris in the backseat. Since there didn’t seem to be any time to get to a hospital (And lets face it, with the exception of Jesus, NONE of those folks have an ounce of health insurance.), Lafayette decides to take the whole gang to his house. There, he feeds Calvin some of that vampire blood he has been dealing. Calvin heals almost immediately, but then disowns his daughter for letting two gay guys feed him V. Talk about ungrateful!
“Them f*ckers is a WHOLE NEW DIMENSION of trash!” Lafayette muses.
Trash . . . the final frontier.
Alone again, Jesus, who despite being all holier than thou, and “I can’t date a drug dealer,” just episodes earlier, begs Lafayette to take V with him.
Remembering how much he LOVED the stuff last time . . .
. . . Lafayette agrees, and the two have this weird theme park-esque tripping sequence, where they proceed to tell eachother about their family roots, both of which seem steeped in freaky voodoo-type magic. But the absolute weirdest hallucination of them all was THIS GUY . . .
Apparently, Jesus has an evil grandfather of some sort. (Hope his name isn’t Judas . . .)
And finally . . .
Bat sh*t crazy Russell . . .
. . . picked up some random male prostitute, holed up with him in a random hotel, and talked to him as if he was Talbot, before staking him.
“Oh, Russell! This is BEYOND offensive! I am WAY cuter than this guy! And you did it in a seedy motel, with COTTON sheets instead of silk. If my guts weren’t trapped in that vase of yours, I’d be ROLLING OVER in my grave!”
Oh, and I almost forgot . . .
After Jason uninvited Bill to his apartment, because Bill gave him WAY TOO MUCH crap for accidentally letting Sookie, a GROWN woman, escape, Crystal . . .
. . . snuck into Jason’s house, and revealed herself to be one of THESE . . .
Watch out Tara, I smell a CAT FIGHT in your future . . .
So, there you have it folks, another spectacular installment of True Blood is in the can. Can you believe there are only two episodes remaining, before we bid this fabulous Season adieu?