Tag Archives: Vampire Harper

When The Vampire Diaries’ Meets Lost . . . : A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Blood Brothers”

Fans of both Lost and The Vampire Diaries likely found a lot of similarities between this week’s TVD installment and that other show trickling across the airwaves right now.  And I’m not just talking about how both shows feature Ian Somerhalder playing a ” hot dead guy” . . .

Like that “other show,” “Blood Brothers” split its time between the present day and a flashback this week, in order to: (1) further develop the characters featured in the flashback; (2) explain these characters’ actions and motivations; and (3) provide viewers with additional insight into the show’s “mysteries.”  In addition to being profoundly Lost-ian . . .

 . . . this week’s episode, also featured: some truly sexy moments (way to go Jeremy and Anna!), some shockingly disturbing moments (Stefan ate his dad?), a vampiric re-death (R.I.P. Vampire Pearl), a vampiric rebirth (Hi, Isobel!), and, if you were really looking hard for it (like I was), some yummy grist for the Damon and Elena shipper mill . . .

Sigh . . .

Let’s bite into the episode, shall we?

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Eat Daddy .  . .

When we last left our pal Stefan, he was acting like a total human bloodaholic, and, in Damon’s words, “going around chewing on people.”

Before you chew on me, Stefan, may I interest you in a nice stick of gum, instead?

Same gushy center, less mess . . .

And so, with the help of Damon and Elena (It has such a nice ring to it, don’t you think?), Stefan met up with the business end of a vervain-filled syringe, and ended up locked up in a sort of jail cell, conveniently located right inside the Salvatores’ La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (You know, if I ever make it big enough to buy myself a mansion, I am TOTALLY putting some sort of cage in it . . . )

Because CAGES are SUPER KINKY!

Anyway, being “locked up” and all, Stefan suddenly has a lot of time to think.  So, he flashes back to the time in his life when he and Damon first became vampires.  This is great news for us fans, because we FINALLY get to learn how it all went down . . .

When we last left Flashback World, the Mystic Falls townspeople were in the process of forcibly gathering up all of the town’s vampires, in order to stuff them in a church and burn them to smithereens.  The mob is being led by none other than Damon’s and Stefan’s father, who uses the information he learned from Stefan, himself, to get to Katherine.  This is a very RUDE thing of Daddy Salvatore to do, putting a muzzle on a woman with whom you used to play croquet . . .

“But, Mr. Salvatore, I let you WIN!”

When Katherine is captured, Damon and Stefan band together to come to her rescue.  While they are attempting to untie and unmuzzle her, two gun shots are fired in rapid succession off-screen, one landing in each of the Salvatore brothers’ chests.  As the brothers’ lie on the ground, bloody and unconscious, Katherine is dragged away by the angry townspeople.

A few days later, Stefan and Damon wake up in a secluded area.  There, they are promptly informed by Witch Emily . . .

 . . . who just so happens to be the ancestor of Witch Bonnie . . .

 . . . that because both brothers drank Katherine’s blood (Damon, by choice, and Stefan, by compulsion) prior to being killed, they are now in transition toward becoming vampires.  The catch?  In order to fully transform into vampires, they need to drink . . .

 . . . ASAP, or they will DIE (for good, this time).

Initially, both Stefan and Damon agree that, without Katherine, there is no reason for eternal life. So, they must allow themselves to die, rather than complete the transition.  However, on a whim, Stefan decides to go to his father’s house to wish him goodbye.  Once there, his father informs Stefan that HE WAS THE ONE WHO SHOT THEM!!!!!  This bastard shot his own sons, because he didn’t like the girl they were dating?  Overreact much? 

 To make matters worse, Daddy Salvatore seems intent to finish the job.  He rushes at Stefan, clutching a large stake-like poker in his hands.  But Stefan, who has already gained some of his legendary vampire strength from those legendary (and hot) vampire arms of his . . .

 . . . stabs his DAD with the poker instead.  And while Stefan’s Daddy is moaning, groaning, and basically dying in front of him, Stefan begins to EAT HIM (well . . . drink his blood, at least).  The scene is NASTY!  I mean, sure, Daddy Salvatore was a TOTAL PRICK, no question.  But drinking the guy who gave you life, is kind of like drinking yourself .  . .

Stefan returns to Damon, all crazy-eyed and red-haired (not sure when present day Stefan found time in his busy “chewing on people” schedule to get a dye job, but, apparently, he did).  Trailing behind Stefan is a teenage girl, clearly under compulsion.  Stefan tells Damon that they were wrong.  That there is no need to die, not when drinking blood can “take away the pain” of life and “open up whole new worlds” for the Salvatore brothers.  Initially, Damon seems repulsed by his younger brother’s behavior, and hesitant to make the transition.  But, ultimately, his vampire urges take hold of him, and he sucks on (and very likely kills) the teenage girl.

After Damon returns from his “snack,” he angrily vows to make Stefan’s life hell on earth for all eternity.  And, in hindsight, we know that, for a good portion of his undeath, Damon did just that . . .

You just KNEW I’d find SOME WAY to use this picture again, in my recap, didn’t you?

They’re Bringing Sexy Back (from the dead . . .)

So, I’ve got good news and bad news.  Which news do you want first?  The good news?  OK.  Jeremy and Anna?  They are a SUPER HOT COUPLE!  And if their sort-of sex scene and post-coital cuddle wasn’t all of two-seconds long, I would have TOTALLY shown you a Shirtless Jeremy pic from it.  The actor who plays him (Steven R. McQueen) is, after all, 21-years old . . .

In addition to being HOT, Jeremy and Anna were also really sweet together.  Between Anna’s willingness to stand up to her mother, and revisit the slings and arrows of high school, just to spend time with Jeremy; and Jeremy’s sleepy whisper of “Oh, that feels so good,” when Anna lovingly rubbed his face, as the two laid in bed together, I instantly became a Team Jeranna fan! 

So, here’s the bad news:  near the end of the episode, Anna’s mom, Vampire Pearl . . .

 . . . was bludgeoned by a crossbow, shot at her from long range, and instantly killed!  Who killed her, you ask?  Presumably, this CREEPO . . .

 . . . Uncle John (I HATE THIS GUY!), who realized he no longer had any use for Pearl, upon learning that she had given his ancestor’s Magic Vampire Killer Thingy (that nobody knows how to use yet) to Damon.  Just one question:  What happened to Hottie Vampire Harper?

Vampire Pearl’s loyal associate was standing right next to Vampire Anna when she was bludgeoned, but has not been seen or heard from since . . .

Damon and Alaric – The Bromance Continues . . .

This week, Alaric calls his new buddy Damon (LOVE these two together!) to check out a lead he had on the possible whereabouts of his previously-thought-to-be-dead-but-actually-a-vampire wife, Isobel.  Damon immediately agrees to come along.  And although I know that Damon was the one responsible for turning Isobel, my Damon and Elena shipper sense tells me, that Damon went on this “little journey” with the secret hope of helping Elena to find her long lost biological mother.  After all, Alaric’s “ex” and Elena’s “mom” are one in the same person.

“Damon Salvatore is currently out kicking some Serious Vampire Ass for the woman he secretly loves . . . Leave a message.”

When Damon and Alaric arrive at the house initially thought to contain Isobel . . .

 . . . she’s not there.  However, some random Hidey Hole Vamp is!  (And WE thought they were GONE FOR GOOD!)  Upon learning that Random Vampire Henry is somehow connected to Creepy Uncle John, Alaric and Damon KILL HIS BLOODY BUTT for good!  Congratulations to Vampire Henry for winning the Senseless Death Award for the week!  Here’s your trophy . . .

 Teacher (as Damon lovingly calls Alaric) is getting surprisingly good at murdering folks, now, isn’t he?  Once the deed is done, the two engage in a heartwarming personal conversation about the struggles of pining over the “one who got away.”  “Two years pining over the woman who left you, is remarkably healthy, I think,” remarks Damon, self-deprecatingly, having mooned over Vampire Katherine for way over a century now.

Although the two pals end their little road trip empty handed, in the last scene of the episode, Isobel comes out of hiding and confronts Alaric at the local bar.  Seeing as how next week’s episode is entitled “Isobel,” I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen the last of this chick . . .

The Will to Live (and to wear sexy white tees that show of your KILLER arms) . . .

When Stefan wasn’t flashing back to his past, he spent most of the episode, brooding, refusing to drink blood, and flexing those drool-worthy pectoral muscles of his.  Elena, who has been basically living at La Casa de Rich and Awesome with both Salvatores for a few days now  . . . (Threesome anyone?) . . . continually tries to get through to Stefan, and break him out of his funk.  At one point, she even goes as far as to enter the “lion’s den” with the hungry vampire, putting her life at risk.  But Stefan, feeling incredibly guilty for his recent behavior, and for the part he played in making Damon become a vampire, wants to die, as he feels he should have done all those years ago.  During the episode’s climax, Stefan escapes his cage, leaving his “I can be in sunlight without rotting” ring on the floor by his prison cot.  His plan, of course, is to meet the sun and die at dawn.

“I put up with your crap for 20 episodes, and all I get for it is this UGLY ASS RING?   You could have at least got me something from Tiffany’s . . .”

Having recently heard Stefan’s flashback tale of woe from Damon (BTW E and D have been sharing adorably snarky barbs and smirks with one another ALL NIGHT . . . just saying), Elena instantly knows she can find Stefan at the very spot where he got Damon to eat that teen way back when.  Elena explains to Stefan that she too is no stranger to guilt.   After all, she was the reason her parents were out driving on the night they were both killed in the car accident.  Elena explains to Stefan that she knows he is “good,” and that, together, they can beat his human blood addiction.  Ultimately, Stefan puts back on that UGLY ASS RING, and the two kiss and make up.

With Stefan back to being the “good brother” and Damon’s alone time with Elena over, it is now Damon’s turn to brood.  In the last scene featuring the sexy Salvatore brothers, Damon admits that the REAL reason he hates Stefan is because Katherine chose to “turn” Stefan too.  And now, it seems, once again, that the two brothers are in love with the same girl . . .

Love sucks . . . and so do these guys .  . . literally.

 Can’t wait to sink your teeth into “Isobel?”  Non-spoilerphobes can click the video below to watch stills from next week’s episode, in which Slutty Bad Ass Vampire Isobel seems to be wreaking havoc on Mystic Falls.  The pictures feature, among other things, quite a few photos of Damon Salvatore adorably open-shirted.  So, put your fingers on those “print screen” buttons, ladies . . . 

 

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“If You Want My BLOODY, and You Think I’m Sexy . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “There Goes The Neighborhood”

Me = seriously wishing that this ACTUALLY happened during the episode . . .

One of the things I love about The Vampire Diaries is how far the show manages to push the envelope, in terms of sexual content, while still staying within the boundaries of its 8 p.m. basic cable time slot.  The producers  have somehow managed to make this show the equivalent of a FULL HOUR of foreplay.  It’s INGENIOUS!

E = MC Screwed

Because, if you really think about it, in every GOOD vampire story, the exchange of blood is, more or less, a metaphor for sex.

The pleasure / pain sensation that comes from being “bitten” is obviously supposed to be an “O” moment . . .

“Ohhhhh, yes!”

And the whole “compulsion” / “mind control” thing is all about being able to have sex with strangers, without feeling guilty or slutty, or having to go to sex rehab with Tiger Woods and Jesse James . . .

“The Salvatore brothers made me do it . . . and THEM.”

You know what ELSE I love about The Vampire Diaries?

A duh . . .

So, while tonight’s episode of “VD” wasn’t exactly my FAVORITE (No sexually tense Damon and Elena moments?  WTF!), it still managed to make me happy like nothing else on television today can (except for maybe True Blood, which won’t be back until this summer).  Let’s revisit the foreplay, shall we?

Elena & Stefan, Caroline & Matt – Swingers?

Truthfully, this was probably the dullest storyline of the evening.  But, seeing as Elena was heard, during the episode’s opening, bitching to Stefan about how she much she wishes her life was “normal,” I think that was kind of the point.  (Honey, take it from an expert.  Normal?  It’s WAY overrated!)

So, Stefan wants to prove to Elena that the two of them are a “normal” (i.e. “boring”) teenage couple.  Meanwhile, cloyingly insecure Caroline is beginning to have doubts as to whether her new beau, Matt, is over Elena, who also happens to be his ex.  Therefore, someone comes up with the “brilliant” idea that these two uber attractive couples should engage in one big fat orgy double date with one another.

“You know, Stefan . . . in the book version, Elena was BLONDE (hint, hint).”

The double date is kind of lame.  The group decides to hit up what is, apparently, the ONLY bar / restaurant / place to meet socially outside of school in Mystic Falls.  They do this, even though three members of the group aren’t old enough to legally drink, and the fourth should be too old to walk upright, without turning into a puddle of dust and bone, let alone have a beer.  Caroline, of course, gets jealous when Elena and Matt reminisce about their past.  So, Matt decides to make it up to her by screwing kissing her in Stefan’s hot red vintage sports car.  Stefan, meanwhile, stands idly by, acting all mature, and perfect, and well-adjusted.   ZZZZZZZZ.

Sorry Stefan.  This “healthy relationship” business  just isn’t going to work for me.  I prefer my men broken, tormented, and, generally, assholey . . .

Now THAT’S more like it!

Three-some’s a Crowd!

Speaking of Damon, his ULTRA-posthumous dumping by Elena’s doppelganger, Vampire Katherine, coupled with his getting his ass kicked by a girl (Vampire Pearl, to be exact), has left him in a seriously prickly mood.  And so, like the above-referenced foursome, he too went to that ONE AND ONLY BAR to drown his sorrows.  Soon, thereafter, he is  joined by Matt’s Slutty Mom, and Elena’s Aunt Jenna, who, apparently, was friends with Matt’s Slutty Mom, back when the two were teens.

OK, I’m sorry.  But this is really starting to bug me.  How old exactly is Aunt Jenna supposed to be?  I understand that she’s the sister of Elena’s deceased mother, but I always presumed her to be the MUCH YOUNGER sister (like late 20s, early 30s, tops).  (After all, the actress is virtually the same age as Nina Dobrev, who plays Elena.  And she LOOKS IT too.)  Now, I’m suddenly supposed to be believe that the girl pictured above is in her 40s?  Did I miss something here?  Is Aunt Jenna a vampire too, and nobody told me about it? 

Anyway, Damon, Matt’s Slutty Mom (I can’t recall whether they actually gave her a name yet), and Ageless Aunt Jenna, proceed to get totally sloshed at the bar.  Then things start to get all hot and flirty, as the trio practice knotting cherry stems with their tongues (a skill I desperately wanted to acquire at age 13.  And for that reason, probably STILL have an entire cherry tree of missed tries, lying at the bottom of my stomach).  Unfortunately, Tanked Aunt Jenna bails, and my hopes of seeing a hot menage walk out the door, right along with her.

Yeah, it never happened on THAT show either . . .  DAMN YOU, misleading trios!

After the bar, Damon takes Matt’s Slutty Mom (hereinafter “MSM”) back to his La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And you gotta hand it to MSM.  This woman  is so secure in her own total sluttiness, that Damon doesn’t even have to compel her.  Within mere moments, he has thrown her up against the wall, and is about to bang and bite her brains out.  Unfortunately, Poor Damon gets cock blocked, when Elena and her Fabulous Foursome arrive back at the house.  (So, Stefan and Damon live together now?  I thought Stefan resided at his Now-Dead “Uncle”‘s house?  This show is getting to be more confusing than Lost . . .)

Welcome to the Fang House

“When you’re good to Mama, Mama won’t beat the sh$t out of you . . .”

Meanwhile, those 20 some-odd vampires, who recently broke out of the cemetery, after about 150 years of entombed imprisonment, are now holed up in some old farmhouse, which is run, with an iron fist, by Mama Pearl.  There, since they aren’t allowed to leave, the vamps all drink blood from the same source.  This Poor Matronly Lady!  The woman’s been mind controlled and bitten so many times by now, that her brain and entire body are probably the consistency of cottage cheese.  Not sexy! 

Yet, most of the vampires, like Hottie Harper (played by Sterling Sulieman), who we briefly met last week . . .

 . . . try to make the best of a bad situation, by reveling in new technology like TELEVISION and TEXT MESSAGING!  However, the EVIL VAMPIRES, like Frederick (played by Stephen Martines). . .

 . . . (who you just know is supposed to be bad news, because he wears black, and has overly tweezed eyebrows, that are perpetually pointed, like the one’s little kids draw to represent “angry people”), and his Random Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, aren’t having it.  After a brief tussle with Mama Pearl, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This Show Girlfriend break out of Fang House. 

And where does the Bad News Couple head first, you ask?  Well, ONE AND ONLY BAR in town, of course!  There, Frederick mistakes Elena for Vampire Katherine.  Then he tries to compel Aunt Jenna to let him bite her, only to learn that she is protected by vervain, and cannot be mind controlled.  Later, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, break into La Casa de Rich and Awesome by crashing through its window.  (I guess that’s one way around the “Vampires have to be invited inside” Rule . . .)

A fairly well-choreographed fight scene ensues between Frederick, Random Girlfriend (I just can’t type that name anymore.  It’s a good thing I’ll never have to use it again), Damon and Stefan.  Random Girlfriend gets her ass staked, winning the award for Senseless Death of the Episode.  Frederick, of course, escapes to Live and Re-Die another day . . . 

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn (Me into a Vampire)

In other news, Elena’s Little Bro, Jeremy (Steven McQueen, who has been looking unusually yummy, of late), is up in his room surfing for porn researching vampires.  A few episodes ago, Jeremy looked up the word “vampire” on that Wanna-Be-Google Search Engine, Bing.

This week, we found him, trolling for information in a Vampire Lovers Chat Room.  Seriously, a chat room?  Am I missing something?  Because I thought people stopped using “chat rooms” sometime around 1995 (which, interestingly enough, is probably when this Jeremy character is supposed to have been born). 

So, Jeremy is supposed to be this cool, former druggie, loner guy, right?  Why does he spend all his time sitting at the computer.  Shouldn’t he be sitting on the hood of a car in an abandoned parking lot, smoking cigarettes and looking “dangerous”, like the rest of his stereotype?

“Heyyyyyy! I resemble that remark!”

Fortunately, Jeremy doesn’t have to surf for porn research vampires for too long, because Vampire Anna has magically popped back into his life . . .

Fairly certain that Anna is an actual vampire, Jeremy begins testing the waters with her, by asking her probing questions about her family, and pointedly not inviting her into his home.  (HELLO!  You already invited her in last time, Jeremy!  She can come in whenever she wants now.  Read The Rules, Doofus!) 

 But things REALLY get interesting, when Jeremy “accidentally” takes a big ‘ole slice out of his hand with a knife in the kitchen.  (Now THAT’S an infection waiting to happen . . .)  Hungry Anna, who has, no doubt,  grown tired of sucking on that Old Lady (who knows where SHE’S been), is overtaken by desire, and sucks the heck out of Jeremy’s bloody hand.  The chemistry between these two is stellar.  And the scene is WAY hotter than it should be, especially considering it involves cannibalism and a really gory appendage . . .

When Anna demands an explanation from Jeremy as to why he goaded her into biting him, putting his own life at risk in the process, Jeremy shocks Anna by explaining that he wants her to  . . . TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE!

Tune in next week, when EVIL Vampire Frederick  (who, in addition to having angry pointy eyebrows is also, apparently, into S and M) decides to chain up and torture Stefan to “thank” him for getting the Fang House vamps locked in that tomb all those years ago . . .

Bite ya, later VDers!

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