Tag Archives: Varys

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Mereeneese – A Recap of Game of Thrones “The House of Black and White”

dany looking silly

“He definitely has my eyes. But I’m pretty sure he inherits his skin from his father’s side of the family.

While last week’s Game of Thrones premiere marked fans’ much awaited reunion with the beloved Sansa Stark and Jon Snow-sort-of-Stark, one surviving Stark child was woefully absent from the hour. Well, Bran and Rickon Stark were also technically absent. But, let’s be honest, no one really gives two shits about them. This week was Arya’s time to shine! And by shine, I mean “mope and look pissed off at the camera for fifty minutes, but also stumble upon some kind of cool adventures with old dudes.” by the door Plus, girlfriend’s rockin a sassy new hairstyle . . . and you can’t go wrong with that.

Also this week on GOT, Jon Snow accidentally embarked on his political career. And he did so, in an unassuming “aw shucks” kind of way that would have made Francis Underwood from House of Cards hate his “brooding man-child turned Prom King of the Wall” guts. underwood side eye And finally, Dany learned that, even when you’ve managed to turn an entire city against you, if you are pretty enough, and have cool enough hair, you can still manage to get the “D” . . . and by D I mean “dragon lovin,” but also actual “D” from this guy . . .

daario

Thus proving it’s damn good to be a Khaleesi! Let’s review shall we?

[Special thanks to my pal Andre for the kickass screencaps you see here.]

Arya Goes to Black andWhite Castle . . . But Doesn’t Order Hamburgers

While on a boat with some old guy whose name I didn’t catch, Arya realizes she’s arrived at Braavos, after she rides through some giant man’s legs. Yes, I recognize it was just a statue. But my inner twelve year old girl can’t help but giggle at the “sexual awakening” metaphor of it all. Titan-of-Braavos

“He creeps me out,” Arya admits of the giant well-endowed man she’s just ridden inadvertently gotten to hard third base with.

“Naw, he’s just welcoming you to town,” says the old guy, whose clearly no virgin to hearty “welcomes” of this sort.

Old Guy drops Arya off at the House of Black and White, which looks a bit like the Lincoln Memorial, but with these funky art deco black and white doors added on to the front. lincoln emThe doors remind me a bit that store, White House, Black Market . . . which I don’t like to frequent, because the people who work there, always make me feel like I’m Julia Roberts’ character at the beginning of Pretty Woman before Richard Gere gives her all his shopping money. I mean, if I want to buy a black tank top, I can get it at Old Navy for $10 bucks without the added emotional abuse. Just saying . . . big mistake huge Anywhoo . . . Arya knocks on the white and black door, and this old grumpy, vaguely homeless looking, black guy answers. “Hmm, vaguely homeless looking guys usually like change,” Arya thinks to herself, pulling out her much-prized Valor Morghulis coin as an offering. standing by door with old guy

Unfortunately for Arya, old grumpy, vaguely homeless looking,black guy is sooo not having the Valor Morghulis coin. He’s kind of like the homeless guy, you give your spare change to on the subway, while feeling all generous, kindly and Mother Theresa-like, only to have him throw it back in your face, because he expected a dollar at least. Long story short, the dude unceremoniously slams the white and black art-deco door in Arya’s face, and she’s understandably pretty miffed about it. sword through eye Arya is so miffed, in fact, that she starts doing that name thing she does, where she lists all the people on the show she wants George R.R. Martin to murder in the book series. (Has no one thought to make this “name game” into a YouTube mix thingy yet? Because, they absolutely should.) What’s odd, and a little disappointing, is that the list is down to only three names, because half the people that were on this show in Season 1 have already croaked. gameovertoiletBigSo, basically, what we’ve learned from all this is that being on Arya’s List is pretty bad news for your longevity. So, if you are on there, you shouldn’t invest in anything long term. like green bananas. She’s pretty much the Anti-Santa Claus of Game of Thrones. If you are on Santa’s nice list you get a video game, or a bike on Christmas morning for your troubles. If you are on Arya’s list, you get a knife to your weiner while you are shitting on the john . . .

“You Can’t Sit with Us!”

If Game of Thrones was high school, Dark! Sansa would be the shy quiet freshman, who got a senior boyfriend (Littlefinger), and a makeover, causing her to morph into a popular girl / uber bitch, overnight. dark sansa the gifAt some random bar, Brienne and Podrick are thrilled to find Sansa casually drinking ale with Littlefinger, like she owns the place. Brienne quickly rushes to swear her fealty to the much prized daughter of the ill-fated Eddard and Catelyn Stark. “I’ve been traveling the world looking for you,” explains Brienne. “Let me and Pod be your minions. And we will gladly beat the sh*t out of anyone who tries to get the world to remember that you used to be a ginger.”

Brienne-Pod

“If me’ lady says the carpet matches the drapes, then the carpet matches the drapes, mmm-kay?”

“Seriously,” scoffs Littlefinger. “I know the fans of this show all love you, because you have this strange, reverse Beauty and the Beast, love-hate thing going with Jamie, but as a bodyguard? No offense, but you kind of suck. Remember that time when you vowed to protect Renly Baratheon, and he got murdered by a gust of smog? Or when you tried to protect Catelyn , and she got stabbed at her son’s wedding by these inbred ugly people?”

Game-of-Thrones-Catelyn-309 (1) RenlysDeathS2Ep5“All of this is true,” admits Brienne calmly. “But I still think I’d be better at protecting Sansa than you, a middle-aged, murderous pedophile, weirdly fixated on her mother.”

The Lady of Tarth then turns to look at Sansa, awaiting her final decision. “Yeah, I’m going to go with the middle-aged murderous pedophile, weirdly fixated on my mother,” Sansa replies. “I hope this doesn’t affect your vote for me for prom queen.” brienne breaks shitAt which point, Brienne hightails it out of the bar on her horse, freeing all of Littlefinger’s men’s horses in her wake. Podrick rides faithfully behind her . . . way behind her.

Good ole Pod may be a stud with the ladies, but he’s sure a lame mare, about to be sent to the glue factory, when it comes to riding horses . . . or fighting . . . or forming complete sentences with his mouth.

pod

Brienne, on the other hand, is a spectacular fighter, and quickly mortally dispatches of a number of Littlefinger’s Redshirts (steel shirts?) in a number of minutes. (If this was a modern-day show, a vaguely inspirational soundtrack would be playing in the background while she did this, Katy Perry’s Firework maybe, or perhaps, Megan Trainor’s “All About that Bass.”

brienne on a horse

“I’m going to leave them going, OW, OW, OW.”

All Hail, Jamie Fucking Lannister . . . and Bronn jamie lannisterWhen a thinly veiled threat to young Myrcella Baratheon safety comes to Cersei Lannister all the way from Sunny Dorne, via the head of a snake carrying one of Myrcella’s price pieces of jewelry in its teeth, Cersei is outraged. In response, Jamie vows to the sister he sometimes screws and spawns with that he will most certainly save his secret incest daughter / “niece” from certain harm, even if it means traveling to Dorne and retrieving her himself. hot jamOf course, there’s the teensy weensy problem of that whole “one arm” thing. It’s hard to kick ass and take names, when one is incapable of completing even the most essential tasks . . . like, for example, clapping. hand_applause Fortunately, Jamie has no intention of kicking ass and taking names alone. And so he seeks help from the same person Tyrion goes to when he is expected to kick ass and take names, despite, you know, being short, and stuff. It’s Bronn, of course. Jamie finds Bronn walking along the beach with a woman named Lollys, whose hand in marriage Cersei Lannister offered him as a thank you for his bravery in battle during a recent round of Game of Thrones. bronn and lady laaThat’s one of the shitty things about being a woman during Game of Thrones era, your hand in marriage could be issued as a prize for good game performance, like a stuffed bear in a carnival game. Other bad things about being a lady during the Game of Thrones era include the whole toilet situation, and never being able to wear jeans . . .

marg 3

“Jamie Fucking Lannister,” shouts out Bronn, upon seeing the Artist Formerly Known as Kingslayer (and really, when you think about it, Fucking is pretty much the most appropriately descriptive middle name for Jamie Lannister ever).

“Help me win back my secret incest daughter from Dorne, and I’ll let you marry someone way hotter and richer than Lollys . . . no offense Lollys,” Jamie proposes to Bronn.

Bronn agrees, because Dorne is pretty much the Cancun/ Cabo San Lucas of Game of Thrones. SPRING BREAK BABY! But also because Lollys = meh . . .

bronn and jam

Sorry Lollys, better luck next “Be the first to pop a balloon in a clown’s mouth using a water pistol, win a wife.”

There will be Sand Snakes

Much like Emily Thorne on Revenge, Ellaria Sand of Dorne, is very much ready to pull out her Red Sharpie, and draw a murderous circle and, eventually, an X, on everyone indirectly involved in the violent death of her deceased lover Oberon Martell, including young prepubescent Myrcella whose only involvement in Oberon’s death is that she happens to have a last name that rhymes with “Bannister.” vengeance

“We do not mutilate young girls in Dorne,” exclaims Oberon’s sensible older brother, Doran. “Nor do we own Red Sharpie Markers, very tacky. Writing in one’s own blood is so much classier and less expensive.”

that guy

“You must be at least this tall to ride this ride, and or suffer a brutal torture ending in decapitation.”

“Yeah, whatever. We’ll see about that,” replies Ellaria, who jets off in search of her daughter’s, the Sand Snakes,   in hopes that they will not share Doran’s uptight, old fashioned, views about the whole “mutilation of tweens” thing.

“The Best Part of Her for the Best Part of Me.”

Growing bored and restless from his interminable travels with Varys, Tyrion tries out some of his best comedic material on his bald and ball-less friend. “Did you know that Cersei has offered her hand in marriage to the first man that brings her back my head on a platter?” Tyrion begins gamely. “My head for her cunt. The best part of her, for the best part of me.”

tyrion

“People like you and me were never meant to be satisfied with life in a box,” Varys replies sagely.

“I don’t get it,” answers Tyrion, in frustration. “Does that mean you liked my joke, or you didn’t?” They keep riding, and nothing much else happens with them throughout the course of the hour.

mad-varI, for one, liked Tyrion’s head-for-cunt joke though!

Derek Zoolander Shireen Baratheon School for Kids Characters on the Show Who Can’t Read Good

In other non-essential to the plot news, Shireen Baratheon teaches Samwell’s new nagging sort-of wife Wildling to read, while the two girls casually gossip about greyscale, the disease that makes Shireen’s face look a little crumply on one side. learn to read good“I had a sister with Greyscale once,” offers Gilly conversationally. “My parents thought she was a monster, and threw in an outhouse, where she lived for three weeks, screaming like a monster until she ate herself alive.” Thus, proving that you can teach a Wildling to “read good,” but you can’t teach them tact . . .

What a Girl Wants . . .

too battle

Back near the Lincoln Memorial with Fancy Doors   White Castle that doesn’t sell hamburgers House of Black and White, Arya goes shopping for groceries and gets into a tussle with some hoodlums, who want to take her precious sword away. But before Arya can add these dickwads names to her Anti-Santa list, grumpy old homeless looking black man comes by, and scares them all away. Intrigued, Arya follows grumpy old homeless-looking black man back to White Castle.

“Why were those guys afraid of you?” Arya asks, “Is it just because you are old, grumpy, and homeless looking?”

“Nope,” replies grumpy old homeless-looking black man, who takes off his face to reveal his true identity, which is . . . SURPRISE Jaqen Hagar! jagensurprised-face“Cool! Teach me how to do that,” replies Arya. “A girl must become no one,” replies Jaqen cryptically.

“OK, but that doesn’t explain how I rip off my face and become a grumpy old homeless looking black guy,” Arya replies.

But she follows Jaqen into the House of Black and White, anyway . . . Hopefully, he shares Doran Martell’s philosophy about not mutilating young girls, otherwise Arya is SCREWEEEEEDDDD!

Jon Snow – Prom King For Change

president of night

Back on the Wall, Stannis offers to recognize Jon Snow as a true Stark, son of recently decapitated Eddard Stark, and heir to Winterfell, if the long curly-haired man is willing to leave his post on the wall, and fight on Stannis’ side in the battle for the Iron Throne. (You can do that? Legitimize the birth of someone you are not at all related to, just by saying so? In that case, I am proud to announce I’m actually the daughter of Warren Buffet. Now, give me my money.)

Stannis_Baratheon_in_Castle_Black_with_Jon_Snow

Jon Snow thanks Stannis, but feels a lifelong obligation to remain on the Wall, where he is popular and, more importantly, alive. After all, everyone knows that carrying a name like Stark means certain death, unless you are a woman, or a boring character nobody likes like Bran . . .

Later on that day, Jon Snow attends a meeting where the men on the wall vote the most popular among them to be Commander . . . basically it’s a popularity contest like prom queen, only without the ladies, and the goofy corsages. During the nominations portion of the meeting, two old guys nominate to other popular old guys for the position. Because, apparently, on the Wall, being old, is the high school prom king equivalent of being the quarterback of the football team, and dating the head cheerleader.

Then, Samwell Tarly surprises everyone and nominates Jon Snow. “My buddy may not be old, but he’s super attractive, and popular with the ladies,” Samwell offers. “Also, the last time we had a battle, he didn’t pussy out, and hide in an outhouse with the pregnant women and babies.”

like a wizard

Since none of the men on the Wall have attended Shireen Baratheon’s School for Characters Who Can’t Read Good, filling out ballots for Wall Prom King is out of the question. So, the members of the Wall vote for their prom king by putting blocks on the stick representing the candidate they think is the most popular.

on the block

In the end, there’s a tie between Jon Snow and one of the other old guys. “I’ll break the tie,” offers the blind guy, who is heading up the proceedings. He places the winning block on Jon Snow’s stick. But who knows if that’s what he actually wanted to do, or if he was just making an educated guess . . .

funny aemon

“Eeny meeny miney mo, catch a prom king by the phallus.”

Long story short, Jon Snow wins Prom King, and, in doing so, gives up the chance to (1) be referred to as Jon Stark, (2) possibly be murdered in a brutal and disturbing fashion, mere episodes after the name change. All Hail, Jon Snow. Sorry, old dudes. But hey, winning Mr. Congeniality is nothing to sneeze at either . . .

In which, Dany loses a head, and gets back a dragon.

While Jon Snow is winning his popularity contest, Dany screws hers up in a major way, by making a political blunder that is so misguided, it makes Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal look like a mere hiccup. It all starts when Daario and Greyworm find and arrest the dude that killed their balless friend last week.

the mask

Dany insists that the murderer receive a fair trial for his potential misdeeds. But then one of her young sycophants gets the grand idea to sneak into his jail cell and murder him, before he has a chance to do that. “I did it for you,” whines the sycophant, pathetically.

soon to be dead guy

Dany’s advisors warn her against behaving rashly in response to this direct disregard of her authority, which was probably committed as a way to get into the Khaleesi’s royal bloomers anyway. “Don’t make your father’s mistakes,” sagely remarks one of these advisors.

“You mean, by becoming a doddering nutjob who talks to himself, cross dresses, and burns people alive for fun?” Dany inquires.

realsies

“No, by inflicting your own morals on your people, and not ruling them in harmony with their own value systems,” corrects the wizened advisor. Dany reminds everyone she’s a teenager, who is allergic to taking good advice, when she publiclly orders the beheading the sycophant for flouting her authority, despite the Mereenites outcries that she offer him mercy.

head cut

“Is it too late for me to speak to my lawyer?”

Even the former slaver/ upper class Mereenites, who, you would think, would support Dany for being an equal opportunity beheader, don’t seem particularly impressed. Then the formerly enslaved Mereenites start doing this weird hissing thing, like fans at a basketball game attempting to distract the opposing team from scoring points.

hissing

At this point, I was very confused. Were they hissing at Dany? The former slaver Mereenites?   The beheaded sycophant? Dany’s sexy boyfriend Daario?

decree

“Nahhhh.”

Then, the former slaver Mereenites and formerly enslaved Mereenites start kicking one another’s ass, and it all becomes clear to me.  So, much for unifying the people of Mereen, Dany. Perhaps, you are better off sticking to what you are good at, conquering, and having your dragons blow up sh*t, and leave the actual ruling to someone else . . . for now, anyway. no mercy to youSpeaking of dragons, Dany’s favorite eldest scaly son stops by for a quick visit with mom, before heading back on his quest to burn down the world . . .

miss me lady

“I just wanted to come back, and tell you how much fun I’ve been having on my world travels . . . so much fun, in fact, that you are technically the Grandmother of Dragons, now.”

He’s like a college kid, popping home for a solid meal and clean laundry, before returning to campus for a kickass keggar, basically. But mother Dany doesn’t mind being used in the least. Instead, she takes comfort in the reminder that, even when the entire human world is giving her a big fat middle finger, she will always be the Mother of Dragons.

And that was “House of Black and White” in a nutshell. See ya next time, folks! little finger eye wag

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Game of Thrones – Season 5, Episode 1 Recap “The Wars to Come”

thrones-cast

Game of Thrones is back, Bitches! It’s Season 5. All the major players in the race to the Iron Throne have already been introduced.   And I only had to check the Wiki ten times to confirm the names of characters, instead of my usual 27, so progress, for me, anyway!

Like most premiere GOT episodes, “The Wars to Come” was less about big battle scenes, shocking beheadings, scandalous sex, and unintentionally humorous toilet bowl murders, and more about reintroducing and reconfiguring all the human chess pieces in this increasingly complicated, but thrilling, quest for World Domination.

Let’s review, shall we?

snuggie throwns

Once Upon a Time There Lived a Girl Who Was Kind of a Bitch . . . – Starring Flashback!Cersei and Unnamed Friend

kinopoisk.ru

Saucy Cersei and her handmaiden travel deep in the forest and come upon a witch. Cersei is disappointed she isn’t uglier and only has two eyes instead of three.  The witch seductively licks young Cersei’s blooded finger, upon the young girl’s demand to hear her future.

“Everyone wants to know their future, until they know their future,” the witch says wryly, offering the young royal three questions to sate her curiosity.

Like any pretty pretty princess, bratty Cersei wants to know if she will marry a prince and become Queen. Fortunately, the witch has watched the first four seasons of Game of Thrones on HBO, and has all the answers Cersei is seeking.

“Yes, you will marry a king,” the witch says.

Cersei is pleased. Because even saucy little girls still believe in fairytales. And she feels like she’s just been granted her happily ever after. She is not yet old enough to realize that being happy and being powerful can, at times, be mutually exclusive.

“Will we have children?” Cersei questions on.

That’s question two.

“The king will have twenty children, and but you will have only three,” the witch pronounces.

“But that doesn’t make sense,” whines young Cersei.

Oh to be young, dumb and innocent without access to HBO . . .

“Cold will be their crowns . . . cold as shrouds,” prophesizes the witch.

Then we hear cackling as we fade back into present day. Hmmmm . . . wonder what the third question would be? I’m thinking it might be something about when Botox will be invented. A Queen always does need to look her best, and her stiffest, after all   . . .

Meanwhile, back in present day . . .

Another Day, Another Family Member’s Corpse on top of which to Possibly Become Impregnated – Starring Cersei and Jamie

never wanted

dead body

We all remember that controversial scene from last season, where Jamie kind of / sort of/ definitely did rape his sister Cersei literally on top of their incestuous son Little Shit Joffrey’s bulbous poisoned purple corpse.

screwing in front of corpse

Well, this season finds ole Cersei and Jamie communing over a casket once again, their father’s. Same room. Same creepy fake eyes over his real dead eyes. Only this time, the two have enough sense to keep their clothes on. So it’s much more PG, and much less like that “No means no” video on rape and sexual harassment you watched in your high school health class.

Cersei blames Jamie for indirectly killing their father, by freeing their brother Tyrion from captivity . . thereby allowing the latter to gouge out their father’s innards, as he relieved his bowels on the toilet, while taking a brief potty break from porking Tyrion’s love interest, Shae.

tywin toilet

Well, if there’s one way to keep a man from getting randy, it’s by accusing him of murder and of being mildly mentally retarded. Way to go Cersei! If everyone spoke to their lovers like you do, we wouldn’t need those pesky condoms anymore.

I am the man in the box . . . – Starring Varys and Tyrion

tyrion

Speaking of talk about bodily functions, this scene opens with a very graphic description, courtesy of Tyrion, of how one survives for days traveling from Kings Landing to Pentos inside a box with holes in it. Apparently, you just push your poop out of the holes and wait for someone (Varys) to retrieve them.

monkey-ears

This is not the Tyrion of Season 1 and Season 2. The one that was jolly, hilarious, and all around friggin awesome. This Tyrion has a big ole face beard, and excels at precisely three things: box pooping, drinking, and feeling sorry for himself.

“The future is shit just like the past,” says Tyrion.

You can say that again, Tyrion!

A Hot Black Guy with No Balls Enters a Brothel . . . – Starring a Guy with No Balls

Did you hear the one about the guy with no balls, who goes into a brothel, just to get a little wholesome spooning and a nice lullaby?

Well, apparently he gets murdered by a guy in a mask from the orgy scene in the movie Eyes Wide Shut.

BabyScared

I think there was supposed to be a punchline in there somewhere, but apparently I missed it.

When Dany mother of dragons hears what happened to her ballless acquaintance, she views it as a sign of revolt from the good people of Mereen. She wants the peerless scarred buried publicly and with honor.

Missandei, Dany’s closest advisor, hears the awful story about the dead no-balls hot guy, and it somehow makes her confused / jealous. Women . . . am I right? She quickly asks her new beau, Grey worm, why a man unable to get an erection could possibly want to go to a whore house, if he can’t, you know, sample the merchandise?

greyworm none of the un interested

Some folks just like to torture themselves, I guess . . . like former alcoholics who work in bars, blind folks who work in museums, and people who didn’t manage to find the leaked episodes of Game of Thrones who went on Tumblr and Twitter today . . .

Grey Worm doesn’t provide Missandei with this response, of course, knowing instinctively, that, when it comes to the people you sleep with, sometimes the best answer to dangerous questions like these is no answer at all.

Creepy Melissandre is creepy – Starring Jon Snow and Co. on the Wall

Some time has passed since last season, and it seems Gilly has seamlessly adapted to the role of Samwell Tarly’s nagging wife. “Why don’t you earn to fight like these men? Don’t let the bad wilding hating man send us away! Why do you always insist on leaving the toilet seat up when you go to the bathroom, but never change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty.”

gilly and sam

Meanwhile, Jon Snow is meeting Lady in Red, Melissandre, for the first time. “Hi nice to meet you, I’m the lady that once gave birth to an evil black monster that killed Renly Baratheon. Are you, by chance a virgin?” She asks.

are you virgin not virgin good

Not one for small talk, is she?

Jon admits that, unlike the unfortunate unsullied from earlier, he has, in fact sampled the merchandise of that adorable wilding ginger Ygritte.

ygritte posh

Jon Snow used to “know nothing.” But, apparently, not anymore.

Melissandre seems ridiculously thrilled to hear this information, which would make me seriously worried, if I was Jon Snow. Usually witches only cast spells using virgin sacrifices, but it seems like our Lady in Red is quite willing to make an exception for this hot piece of man meat.

After completely creeping out Jon Snow, Melissandre takes him to meet her current bed friend, Lord Stannis. Grumpy Stannis has a proposition for his younger, hotter new pal. He knows that Jon has sympathies for the wildings, based on his Season 3 time as an undercover Wildling, and his ill-fated relationship with Ygritte. He also knows that he has some sway over their fearless leader, Mance Rayder.

mance rader

Grumpy Stannis entreats Jon to convince the Wildlings, through Mance to fight alongside of Grumpy Stannis and help him to win the iron throne, in exchange for their freedom from further persecution by . . . . well, anyone who isn’t a Wilding, I guess. He tells Jon that he has until nightfall to convince the leader to bend the knee or, he dies.

stannis and grumpy cat

Sir Robin of Wimpyness  –Starring Dark!Sansa and Littlefinger

dark sansa sansa and littlefinger

For no other reason, I suspect, then to suggest the possibility of a positively ridiculous spinoff show, we learn that Dark!Sansa and Littlefinger, before jetting off on their journey toward World Domination, have smartly ditched the brat with an unhealthy love for his mother and for throwing people out the moon door, by dropping him off at a Sword Fighting School?

“He wields a sword like a girl with palsy,” says his would-be teacher.

Well, that wasn’t very nice. I’m sure some girls with palsy are really quite good with swords, when given the opportunity to practice . . .

Just like with Tyrion before her, it becomes quickly apparent that this isn’t your Older Sister’s Sansa Stark. Seasons 1 through 4’s Sansa was shy, quiet, meek, aggressively polite, and, at times, honestly, seemed a bit daft.

young sansa

Dark!Sansa has a deeper, raspier voice, as if she spent the entire hiatus smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, and an icy cold mirthless demeanor that would give even the Icy Queen herself, Cersei Lannister some pause.   I guess this is what happens when you get a Littlefinger in you . . . 😉

Speaking of Cersei, Sansa and Little Finger are apparently traveling to a place where the evil the evil wench can’t find them. Disney World, perhaps?

4 10 mickey

Drinking the Kool Aid – Cersei and Lansel

Cersei’s cousin, Lancel, is so traumatized by his memories of sex with Cersei, that he shaves his head, dons a monk’s outfit, and joins over a religious cult known as the Faith of the Seven. This only proves that porking Cersei Lannister can only lead to the loss of things, like your hand, your bowels, your life, and your mind.

Her vajayjay is clearly poisonous.

cersei

Loras Tyrell – Loser at Life, Stallion in the Bedroom –Starring Loras, Margaery and Loras’ boy toy whose name I can’t remember

loras

This scene is wholly not important, except that it contains the only consummated sex act of the episode between Loras and his beau. Margaery interrupts the pair and is totally cool with it. Margaery is just a pretty cool person all around . . . you know   . . . except for the whole marrying and seducing ten-year olds thing . . .

Margaery 1 marg 2 marg 3

As Loras lounges nude in bed, post coitus, he casually discusses with Margaery their mutual bugaboo, Cersei, who is still sort of kind of betrothed to Loras. Loras posits that a marriage to him will get Cersei out of Kings Landing, and, thereby, out of Margaery’s hair for good. “Sure,” Margaery considers. “Then again, so will murdering her like my grandma murdered that little shit, Joffrey.”

Though, she says all this in a much more classy way than I could ever say it.

Margaery Tyrell . . . classiest pedophile ever.

In which Varys convinces Tyrion to join Team Mother of Dragons – Starring Tyrion and Varys again

vary 3 instinct for compassion vary 2

Twenty minutes have passed, and Tyrion is still moaning and feeling sorry for himself. Hey, Tyrion, the death of Shae and Poop Murder of your father was so last season. Get over it.

Just kidding. It’s kind of sucked to be Tyrion, since sometime back in season two.

tyrion

Varys makes it his personal mission to cheer up Tyrion, and get his ass back into slightly less inebriated fighting mode. He majorly talks up Dany as the new would-be, benevolent, but strong and firm, ruler of the iron throne. Varys hopes sincerely that Tyrion will meet with Dany and join the cause to help her rise to be queen over all those other assholes currently jockeying for the position. Tyrion agrees to take the trip, but only if he can get wasted on the way there. Fair enough, Tyrion. You’ve earned your drunk today.

dany with fire

Are you the Mother of Dragons or the Mother of Bitches? – Dany and Daario

take off your clothes dan daario

The former rulers of Mereen, are willing to concede to the whole “no more slaves” thing, if they can reopen the fighting pits and watch all the people who used to wipe their butts beat the ever loving shit out of one another.

Dany is hesitant to accept this compromises, as she sees reopening the fighting pits as akin to the slavery she just abolished. Later Dany pillow talks about her quandary with her new beau, Daario. There are definitely too many people with weird, hard to spell, sound alike names beginning with “D,” “M,” and “J” on this show.  (It’s a good thing that “Dany” and I are on a nickname basis. She calls me Jewls, in case you were curious.)

Daario thinks Dany should reopen the pits. He recalls that learning to fight professionally gave his life purpose. Maybe it could do the same thing for some of these newly free weinerless folks. Dany wonders whether, by reopening the pits, she would be forsaking the very same people she had sworn to protect.

“You are not the mother of unsullied, you are the mother of dragons,” Daario replies.

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He’s pretty suave, that Daario. No wonder he is the main love interest on every single cable show in existence right now

Speaking of the dragons, at least the two she didn’t set free, they are kind of pissed at her, for the whole locking them in the dungeon thing, and breathe fire at her, when she goes to visit them.

Teenagers. Can’t live with them, and apparently, it’s illegal to decapitate them . . .

Burning Man Festival – Wilding Edition – Starring Jon Snow and Mance Rader

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As he promised to Stannis, Jon approaches Mance about joining the former’s army as being a better deal than, you know, being publicly burned alive and stuff. Mance admits that being burned to death in front of his followers would be a little painful and embarrassing. So much screaming like a girl, so much charred Mance bits flying at the crowd. But still, he has pride in himself and in his people, and isn’t willing to bargain away their freedom even if it means saving his own ass from becoming a meal at the local steakhouse.

“The freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted,” Mance states solemnly.

He and Dany must have gotten the same fortune cookie on their last trip to the Chinese restaurant.

Later that night, as promised, Mance refuses to bend the knee to Stannis, and waits on the pyre to be burned in front of a throng of well and not-so-well wishers at an impromptu Burning Man festival on the wall.

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But then, just as the flames start to licks Mance’s tatas, Jon Snow mercifully shoots an arrow at his heart, and kills him, before he has the chance to scream like a little girl.

The whole looking like a meal at the steakhouse part, though, that just couldn’t be helped, unfortunately.

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And that was episode one of Game of Thrones in a nutshell. Toodles!

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She’s a Killer Queen – A She-cap of Game of Thrones “And Now His Watch Has Ended”

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Considering that the show is (1) fantasy (i.e. a notoriously male-centric genre) . . .

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“My precious . . . peni$”

(2) takes place in the Middle Ages (a time when women were treated no better than the chamber pots they had to pee in); and

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(3) it’s based on a book series written by a guy who looks like a plus-sized version of Gandalf from Lord of the Rings . . .

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age may

. . . the fact that Game of Thrones is so emblematic of female empowerment is pretty darn remarkable!

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I mean, sure, the critically acclaimed HBO series definitely has its share of dirty-faced, grunting, sword-wielding, strong men, and power-hungry, Iron-Throne squatting, politicians.

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Yet, it’s also jam-packed with a bevy of exceptionally strong female characters, each of whom derive their strength from distinctly unique sources.  And, perhaps, no single episode of the series better exemplifies this than Sunday night’s epic hour, appropriately entitled “And Now His Watch Has Ended.”  Whether it be with  a strong moral code like Brienne, courage like Arya,  wit and cunning like Lady Olenna, charm like Margaery, resilience like Sansa, or a fire breathing, ass-kicking dragon like Daenerys, the women of Westeros were the clear winners of the Battle of the Sexes in this week’s Game of Thrones.

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Let’s review, shall we?

The Tell-tale Feather Bed

For a sex-free episode, “And Now His Watch Has Ended” sure did feature a lot of Weiner Talk . . . starting with Don Juan Podrick.  It appears the Lannister household is still scratching its head as to how the tubby, awkward, and heretofore virginal teen ended up being such a Lion in the sack that not a single Lady of the Night was willing to charge him for their services.

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damon eternal stud

It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?

To be honest, apart from comic relief, I’m not really sure where the writers are going with this storyline relating to Podrick’s prowess.  It definitely wasn’t in the books.  Perhaps, BIG POD will inspire Littlefinger to expand his “little side business” to include the Very First Male Escort Service . . . a sort of Magic Mike: Westeros Edition.

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In other Weiner News, we finally learned the horrible story as to how Varys, a.k.a. the Spider lost his.  Turns out some crack magician chopped it off to use in some spell / magic trick. You know, kind of like pulling a rabbit out of a hat .  . . except, without the rabbit.  But it turns out, the last laugh was for Spider, who keeps the magician in a box underneath his bed, where he pokes him with a stick every once in a while, just for sh*ts and giggles.  Talk about having skeletons in your closet . . .

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Speaking of skeletons in closets, Ros clues Spider in to one about Littlefinger that may prove to be quite valuable indeed to the intrepid Eunuch.  (Ros actually reminds me a bit of Joan from Mad Men, in that she seems to know everything about everybody, and is clearly much smarter than anyone will give her credit for being.)

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dig out

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As it turns out, Littlefinger will not be taking his Fantastic Voyage to wed Lady Arryn alone.  He’s ordered a second feather bed for his ship.  This means that either Littlefinger is planning on spiriting young Sansa Stark away with him, or . . . he just really likes feather beds . . .

Presuming the former, Spiderman pays a visit to the positively hilarious (and not just because she wears a funny hat) Lady Olenna.

After “charming” Spider with an obligatory “You have no balls” joke . . .

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. . . Lady Olenna gets right down to “brass tacks,” as the saying goes.  “How can YOU help me, Strange Bald Man?” She wonders.

He then tells her what he knows.  And so it was decided.  The “not particularly-interesting-but-has-an-interesting-life” Sansa Stark will marry into the Tyrell family.

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Upon hearing the news from Margaery Tyrell later that day, Sansa nearly weeps with joy.  So, what if Loras Tyrell is obviously gay.  So what if she’ll never be Queen.  Sansa has had a more hellish childhood than most could have dreamed.  She watched her father be beheaded, and labeled as a traitor.  She was tormented by her sociopath would-be husband.  She was given the title of Queen, only to have it ripped from her fingertips.  And Sansa endured all of it quietly and bravely.

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She may not be outspoken and hard-edged like her younger sister, or charmingly cunning like Margaery Tyrell.  But Sansa Stark is a survivor.  And if my money is on any of these women to make it out of this series alive, it’s her . . .

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The Bravest Among Us

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You would think that one of the few benefits of having an ugly mug like Hounds would be that you’d never have to worry about being mistaken for somebody else.  And yet, that’s exactly what happens to the not-so-gentle giant, who gets captured by the Brothers without Banners and charged with his brother’s crimes.  When the Hound patiently points out the Banner Boys honest mistake, they are about to let him go, with a pat on the back and an apology.  But then Arya reminds Hound that he IS in fact the TRUE murderer of her young friend the Miller’s son, who he killed, back in Season 1.

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BAD DOG!

Sentenced to a Trial By Combat, the Hound snickeringly wonders whether Arya will be the one to fight him.  “Is a girl the bravest among you?” She asks.

“She may be,” admits the leader of the Brothers without Banners.  “But you will be fighting me.”

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RUH-ROH Hound! Maybe next time you’ll think twice before murdering Arya’s buddies . . .

Wrapped Around her Little Finger (Not to be confused with Littlefinger . . .)

There’s something both captivating and creepy about scenes between Joffrey and Margaery.  On one hand, it’s extremely satisfying to see the mostly unfeeling, and clearly sociopathic, Joffrey in such a vulnerable position.

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Margaery is manipulating him expertly.  And Joffrey is just blindly following her every whim, like an obedient puppy dog.

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On the other hand, Joffrey is so ridiculously young, that even the hint of any sort of romantic entanglement between him and the actress who plays Margaery is  a bit disturbing.

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Fortunately, I’m pretty sure romance with Joffrey is the last thing on Margaery’s mind, especially when she’s having so much fun making Joffrey look like a total tool.  Check out the look of sublime glee on Margaery’s face, when she gets Joffrey to dumbly wave to his so-called adoring populace, when it’s quite obviously Margaery herself for whom their cheering.  The arrogant douchenozzle doesn’t have a clue he’s being made the but of a joke.  And yet his mother Cersei, no stranger to the art of male manipulation herself, is all too aware of what’s going on . . .

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Don’t Cry Over Spilled Hand

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Jamie Lannister is having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.  First he loses his hand . . . his favorite hand . . . the one with which he jerks off wields his sword.  This was the hand that famously slew the Mad King.  Then, he gets beaten up repeatedly by his captors, falls off his horse, and literally spends a good portion of the episode with his face stuffed in what looks like mud, but might very well be poo . . .

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To make matters worse, Jamie can no longer applaud for himself!

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No wonder he’s depressed!  No wonder he’s seemingly lost his appetite, and his will to live.  But Brienne of Tarth is not about to let our anti-hero give up hope.  Not when he has just performed the surprisingly chivalrous deed of preserving her chastity, and preventing from a massive raping . . . all by weaving a deliciously creative lie about her supposedly wealthy origins.

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Brienne gives our hero the will to live through a little bit of tough love.

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OK . . . so it’s a little bit sexist.  Odd that Brienne has to degrade her own sex to bolster the morale of her former captive.  But the sentiment, and her heart, is in the right place.  Brienne reminds Jamie that the only way to defeat ones enemies is survive them.  And the only way to deal with loss and handicap is to not allow it to define you.  These are the credos by which Brienne, herself, leads her life.   And Jamie can undoubtedly learn a lot from her . . .

Deja-Screwed

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It’s hard to feel bad for Theon Greyjoy, after he butchered and burned those two anonymous orphans, and then literally bit the hand that fed him, by burning and pillaging Winterfell, his former childhood home.  But if not necessarily redeemable, even the slimiest of villains can be pitied.  And Theon was certainly pitiable, when he admitted to his supposed friend and savior this about the late Eddard Stark . . .

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And then his so-called friend, who had only just recently rescued him from the stocks, ended up bringing him right back into captivity.  And now Theon is in stocks again . . . the same stocks.  Seems like a whole lotta work and trouble just for a cruel joke, don’t you think?

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Mutiny in the Pig Pen

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Samwell Tarly is a bit like the Pillsbury Doughboy . . .

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He’s just so adorably clueless, you can’t help but want to pinch his cheeks and poke his belly . . . especially when he tries to give the girl he likes a thimble, despite the fact that she’s on the verge of potentially having her newborn baby sacrificed to those zombie thingies outside her tent, and is in no mood for Doughboy Romance.

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Things haven’t been going all that well for Tarly and the Nights Watch, ever since the White Walkers ravaged their crew. And they ended up holed up with that douchebag Craester and his 50 or so daughter/ wives, mucking pig poop from pens.

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That is until one of them stages a mutiny, and all hell breaks loose . . .  Samwell, of course, is smart enough to know when to stay out of a fight he can’t win.  And when his fellow Night’s Watchmen start stabbing the crap out of Craester and his men, the Doughboy wisely makes a run with it, along with his new girlfriend, her baby, and, of course, his trusty thimble.  . .

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Of course, the Piece de Resistance of the episode came in it’s last few moments . . .

DRAGONS ARE NOT SLAVES!

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Last week on Game of Thrones, we saw Dany be mercilessly teased and insulted by the leader of Astapor, to whom she seemingly reluctantly offered up one of her beloved dragons, in exchange for his mighty slave army.

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So, of course, you could imagine the wanker’s surprise, when the morning of the exchange arrives, and she reveals to him that she’s spoken his language all along.  Therefore, she has been very well aware of all the crap he’s been saying about her behind her back.

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And she does give the Asshat her trusty dragon, as promised.  Of course, dragons are not so freely given . . .

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There’s an important lesson to be learned here.  When you play with fire, you end up getting burned.  When you play with dragons, you end up a Roasted Weenie . . .

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Consistently underestimated by the men around her, due to her youthful face, soft voice, and delicate looks, Daenerys showed cunning, strength, intelligence, and a generalized ability to kick ass, when she had her baby burn that mother f*&ker to the ground, while encouraging her new army to lay siege to the formerly great city of Astapor.

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clap for bonus

But Daenerys has something many of the other battlers for the Iron Throne lack, HEART.  Not long ago, she won the loyalty and service of the Dothraki people through her undying devotion to her husband, and her miraculous ability to literally walk through fire, and come out bearing dragons on her back.  Now, Daenerys has once again earned the loyalty of a formerly enemy people.  And she’s done this by benevolently breaking the chains of their slavery, and asking them to fight at her side, based on free will alone.

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It was a bold and risky gambit she made here . . . riskier even than her actions with Dracarys, because at least she knew how her dragon would react.  Daenerys knew nothing of the men she just purchased.  For all she knew, they could have staged a mutiny and ran off to salvage their burning city.  Or worse, they could have killed her and her men.  But Daenerys believed that, by giving these men respect, and treating them as soldiers as opposed to slaves, she would win their loyalty and their strength.  And she was correct in that assumption.

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As Daenerys and her new army march into the sunset together, in the final moments of the episode, the Iron Throne seems hers for the taking.  His Watch may have ended.  But Hers is most certainly just beginning . . .

game of thrones funny

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