Tag Archives: Viking

The post where I pretend to have a Twitter Account, and help Jimmy Fallon host the Emmys

 

As you probably already know, the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards will be airing live this Sunday night (August 29th), at 8 p.m on N.B.C., with Jimmy Fallon acting as host.  What you may NOT know, is that YOU have the opportunity to write some of his jokes!  And who do we have to thank for this groundbreaking opportunity?  Why, Twitter, of course!

You see, unlike during other Emmy specials — where you spend half the time cringing at the lame one-liners the hosts come up with to introduce the show’s various celebrity award presenters — this year, you get to write them, YOURSELF!

Here’s how it works.  When you click on this website, you will be directed to a list of all of the presenters for this year’s Emmy awards.  Do you have something funny, amusing or poignant to say about a particular celebrity?  Do you have an existing Twitter account?  If you have answered “Yes” to both questions, simply click on your favorite actor or actress’s name, and you will be directed to a place where you can tweet about them to Jimmy Fallon and his writing staff. 

If Jimmy and his staff like what you wrote, there’s a chance Mr. Fallon will read it LIVE ON TV (giving full credit to YOU and your creative Twitter handle, of course)!  You can tweet to Jimmy throughout the Emmy Broadcast (or, at least until your choice presenter has presented).  Pretty cool right?

Well . . . here’s the problem.  I don’t have a Twitter account . . .

 . . . and I don’t plan on opening one just for this contest, cool as it may be.  So, here’s what I decided to do.  I’ve written a Twitter-sized Emmy intro for EACH of the presenters.  You can read them.  If any of them don’t make you groan or roll your eyes, feel free to tweet them to Jimmy Fallon.  If you do that, and throw at least partial credit to “KJewls” or “TV Recappers Anonymous,” I will be your best friend for life! 

If not . . . well, at least I tried. 

So, without further adieu, my Emmy presenter introductions:

1) Ann Margret

You might remember her from classic films like Bye, Bye Birdie, The Cincinatti Kid, and Viva Las Vegas.  But what really stands out in my mind is her brilliant performance in The Santa Clause 3.  It’s Ann Margret!

2) Anna Paquin

On HBO’s True Blood, she plays the coolest fairy to ever date a boy that doesn’t age, since Tinkerbell.  It’s Anna Paquin!

3) Alexander Skarsgard

Bite into America’s favorite Swedish meatball  . . . It’s Alexander Skarsgard!

4) Betty White

Before Twilight, or True Blood, or The Vampire Diaries, before the wheel was invented, America’s first true vampire was a Golden Girl.  Please welcome the immortal, Betty White.

5) Blair Underwood

Barak Obama was busy tonight, so we got the next best thing.  Set to play the President of the United States, in the upcoming NBC Drama Series, The Event , it’s Blair Underwood!

6) Boris Kodjoe

He’s sexy.  He’s bald.  He’s black.  He’s beautiful.  I’d do him.  Everybody welcome, Boris Kodjoe!

7) Christopher Meloni

Question:  If Detective Elliot Stabler from Law and Order SVU fought convicted murderer, Chris Keller, from Oz, who do you think would win?  Only this guy knows . . . It’s Christopher Meloni.

8 ) Claire Danes

When Jordan Catalano broke up with Angela Chase, I cried.  When Beth died in the Little Women movie, I cried.  When Juliet died in the Romeo and Juliet movie, I cried.  Stop making me blubber like a baby, Claire Danes!

9) Edie Falco

Last night I had this dream that Carmela Soprano was getting high in the on-call room with Nurse Jackie.  Thanks for the memories, Edie Falco!

10) Emily Deschanel

If this lovely lady is leaning over you and stroking your face, it probably means you’re dead!  She plays Temperance Brennan on Bones.  It’s Emily Deschanel!

11) Eva Longoria Parker

Though perhaps best known  for playing the delectable Gabrielle Solis on Desperate Housewives, our next guest REALLY won my heart as Flight Attendant 3 on Beverly Hill, 90210.  It’s Eva Longoria Parker!

12) Gugu Mbatha Raw

She bears the distinction of having the hardest name to pronounce in Emmy history.  Dr. Who is she?  It’s Gugu Mbatha Raw!

13) January Jones

We can’t really blame Betty for dumping Don Draper on Mad Men.  Her people are Nordic.  It’s January Jones!

14) Jeff Probst

He’s been on Survivor for TEN YEARS, and NEVER once been voted off the island.  Everybody welcome, Jeff Probst!

15) Jim Parsons

In order to invite Dr. Sheldon Cooper to present this award, we had to disinvite Leonard Nimoy and Stan Lee.  They both have restraining orders against him.  Sorry guys!  It’s Jim Parsons!

16) Joel McHale

Joel McHale is the nicest, smartest, hottest, and most wonderful man on the planet.  Shh, I’m only saying this, because I don’t want him to make fun of me on The Soup.  It’s Joel McHale.

17) John Krasinski

For our next presenter, we wanted to get the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin.  But Dwight Schrute was unavailable, so we settled for Jim Halpert.  Everybody welcome, John Krasinski!

18 ) John Lithgow

What is this world coming to? The world is at war, the economy is a mess, and the dad from Harry and the Hendersons is a serial killer!  Say hello the Evil John Lithgow!

19) Jon Hamm

The Dapper Don Draper is here.  An attendant will be stopping by to retrieve all the panties that just dropped on the floor.  Everybody welcome, Jon Hamm!

20) Julianna Margulies

Women scorned by slutty manwhore hubbies the world over, can take a page out of this lady’s book.  She plays Alicia Florick on The Good Wife.  It’s Julianna Margulies.

21) Keri Russell

Please give a big round of applause for the gal who played Felicity Porter . . . or she might cut her hair again.  Ladies and gentleman, Keri Russell!

22) Lauren Graham

She went from playing the fast talking, coffee swigging Lorelai Gilmore, to the bartending, teacher smooching, Sarah Braverman.  It’s everybody’s favorite MILF, Lauren Graham!

23) Laurence Fishburne

Our next presenter is the only guy who could possibly explain The Matrix movies to me.  It’s Laurence Fishburne!

24) L.L. Cool J.

Someone tweeted me this really funny L.L. Cool J. joke.  But when I told him about it, his mama said knock me out.  Please don’t hurt me, L.L. Cool J!

25) Mariska Hargitay

This next presenter could totally kick my ass.  She plays Dr. Olivia Benson on Law and Order:  SVU.  It’s Mariska Hargitay!

26) Matthew Morrison

On Glee, he plays Will Schuester, a teacher who can Bust a Move, Alone, Like a  Gold Digger, Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  He also looks great in a thong.  It’s Matthew Morrison!

27) Matthew Perry

He’s the Friend who got it on with Courtney Cox BEFORE David Arquette.  Could he BE any luckier?  It’s Matthew Perry!

28) Maura Tierney

Nurse Jackie learned everything she knows about addiction from this next presenter.  She played Dr. Abby Lockhart on ER.  It’s Maura Tierney!

29) Nathan Fillion

I had this great idea for a mystery novel.  So, I tweeted it to Rick Castle.  Then I realized he’s not a real person.  Thanks a lot, Nathan Fillion!

30) Neil Patrick Harris

If Barney Stinson gave relationship advice to Doogie Howser, M.D.  and Dr. Horrible, they’d all look a bit like this guy.  Please don’t steal my job, Neil Patrick Harris!

31) Ricky Gervais

When I made that comment about Dwight Schrute being the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin, I really offended this guy.  Everybody welcome, Ricky Gervais!

32) Sofia Vergara

I’ll admit, I don’t always understand what she’s saying on Modern Family.  But it always sounds beautiful.  It’s Sofia Vergara!

33) Stephen Colbert

I’m proud to present the next President of the United States, Stephen Colbert!

34) Stephen Moyer

He’s the only person in the world who can make the name “Sookie” sound like a sex act. It’s Stephen Moyer!

35) Ted Danson

This man needs no introduction, because he only goes where “everybody knows his name.”  It’s . . . shoot  .  . . what’s that guy’s name again?  Oh yeah!  Ted Danson!

36) Tina Fey

She’s a writer, producer, actress, and an Emmy and Golden Globe winner.  Thanks for making us all look stupid and lazy, Tina Fey!

37) Tom Selleck

I’m so excited about this next guest.  He’s been such a role model for me throughout his distinguished career.  Everybody, put your hands together for Tom Selleck’s MUSTACHE  . . . oh, and Tom Selleck too, I guess.

38) Will Arnett

Our next presenter is perhaps best known for his role as magician GOB Bluth on Arrested Development.  Well, if you’re such a great magician GOB, why don’t you make your show reappear!  It’s Will Arnett!

There you have it, 38 celebrity Emmy presenters, and 38 introductions for Jimmy Fallon.  I sure hope he appreciates it!  See you at the Emmys!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Emmy Awards

The Girl Who Cried Wolf (and Beeeeeeeelllll!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Night on the Sun”

Aww, don’t cry, Sookie!  You’ll get to eat your Taco Beeeeelll soon enough.

Bite me, Sookeh!

For me, this week’s installment of True Blood can really be broken down into two parts:  the touchy feely, first part, where the entire cast had a good cry, conquered their nightmares, and got in touch with their respective femine sides; and the AWESOME second part, where everybody went commando (in more ways then one!), got dirty, fought, screwed and killed, one another (usually in that order).

That being said, there was ONE part of the second half of this week’s True Blood that truly saddened me . . .

No!  I’m not talking about the absence of Lorena and her Ribcage Hat (though that saddened me too)!  I’m talking about the loss of someone VERY special.

Dear sweet, Talbot!  Oh, how I’ll miss your zany temper tantrums and scrumptious blood gelato!

On that sad note, what do you say, we all dry our tears, and get on with this recap.  This way, we can get to the good stuff (a.k.a. the killing and screwing) faster?  Talbot would have wanted it that way . . .

“Sookie, are you brain damaged?”

“Well, gosh, Jason!  I don’t know.  Why don’t you ask my boyfriend who I took back for a good lay, after he dumped me, screwed a crazy b&tch vampire behind my back, and drained me of all my blood, nearly killing me?” 

“Well, seeing as I only drained her neck and chest, her brain should be pretty much in tact.  Then again, she does share some of your genes, Jason . . . and she did take my lame ass back at the end of the episode.  So, who knows?”

This episode pretty much begins where the last one left off.  Sookie is screaming her head off at the sight of Taco Bill, who has just saved her life by inserting some of his blood into her hospital IV.  (Nevermind the fact, that she wouldn’t even BE in the hospital if it wasn’t for him!) 

While Jason is pondering his sister’s post-accident “lack of intelligence” (pot calling kettle much?),  Alcide immediately jumps in to defend Sookie from Bill.  And it is SUPER hot!  “I don’t take orders from VAMPS!”  The big meaty hunk of man answers, after the scrawny pale-faced Vampire Bill tells him to sit down.

Please allow me a moment to retrieve my panties from the floor . . .

(Don’t get me wrong.  I always have been, and always will be, a Team Eric member.  But would a short-term stopover at Sexy Alcide be such a bad thing?  I think not!  After all, our Sookie has all eternity to spend with the Big Viking.  And as for Alcide?  Well, even the shortest of flings can seem like a long happy marriage in DOG YEARS!)

Cake topper for the Herveaux – Stackhouse Wedding. 

Once everybody has calmed down a bit, Sookie asks to speak with Dollar Menu Item Bill alone.  The gang reluctantly leave the room.  Two of the world’s smallest violins begin to play simultaneously, as these two perform their respective “It’s not you, it’s me,” breakup monologues.

 

“From the day we met, it’s been one big bloody fight,” blubbers Sookie, snot running attractively from her nose.  “I keep waiting for it to be normal, but you keep giving me indigestion with your fake meat, Taco Man  it’s never going to be normal with us, is it?”

“I want you to have the life you deserve, and I can’t give it to you,” whines Bill, his mascara bloody tears running down his cheeks, making him look a bit like this  . . .

 . . . give or take 100 years . . .

With nothing left to say, Bill removes the IV from his hand, and exits the hospital, leaving a hysterical Sookie in his wake, and and open IV tube dripping V on the floor . . .

“Sookie, may I clean your floor with my tongue?”

“They killed my COOTER!”

“Gourmet, it isn’t.   But it sure beats Taco Beeeeellll!”

“In more ways than one . . .”

Speaking of the now Cooter-less, Trash O’Deb, she is back at Russell’s mansion, begging the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi for the opportunity to seek vengeance on Sookie for butchering her private par . . . um . . . boyfriend.  Unfortunately, Big Gay Russell already has his hands full.  Upon marrying Russell, Queen Sophie Anne has decided to move into his mansion, along with, her girl toy Hadley, and all of their personal belongings.  This was a TERRIBLE choice, in my opinion.  After all, Sophie’s Anne’s original digs seemed significantly larger and WAY more impressive than Russell’s . . .

 .  . . no offense, Talbot.

Speaking of Talbot, he is none too pleased about these new living arrangements.  Nor is he happy with the news that Russell murdered the magister, or that Kingy will once again be leaving the castle, this time to hunt down Sookie Glow Fingers.  Fortunately for Talbot (or, unfortunately, as we will see later), Eric has returned, to save the day, his blue panty dropper sweater, only slightly soiled with bits of Magister brain . . .

 . . . which is precisely why I told him to take it off . . .

“I’ll keep Talbot company,” offers Eric.

But Vampire Russell is still skeptical (as it turns out, with good reason).  He is not sure he can trust the Sexy Viking.

So, Vampire Eric launches into the world’s sappiest, most over dramatic, faux Shakespearean monologue of all time.  While on his knees, no less, Eric waxes poetic about how Russell is the true leader he’s been waiting for for a thousand years, and how much he wants to serve him, and blah, blah, blah .  . .  I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it.

But, apparently, Big Gay King Russell has an ego the size of Mississippi.  This Idiot actually buys all of Eric’s crap, and promptly heads on his merry way over to Bon Temps.  That night, Eric, who LUUUUUUVES Sookie . . .

 (even though he has pretended not to and been a total tool to her for the past couple of episodes)  . . . promptly sends her a warning message, overnight delivery, by Fedex, Sookie’s cousin, Hadley.

The message:  “Russell is coming.  Don’t trust Beeeeeeeell!”

Sookie is happy to see her cousin, but assumes there’s not much she can do about Russell coming, because whereever she goes, he’s probably going to find her anyway.  As Hadley rushes from Sookie’s house, Sookie overhears through Hadley’s thoughts that Russell and Eric now know what Sookie is . . . even though Sookie still thinks she’s an alien.

Soo-kie phone home!

“If I was smart, I would have fallen in love with someone like you [Alcide].”

“Damn straight, Glow Fingers!”

While Eric is protecting Sookie’s interests across statelines, her harem of men is doing the same thing at home.  BFFs Andy and Jason, the best 1 and 1/2 cop duo around, arrive at Sookie house immediately after she was released from the hospital, with offers to press charges against Burrito Brain Bill, for deflating her like a popped balloon . . .

“Why does it suddenly smell like tacos in here?  Must be Sookie’s new blood.”

When Sookie refuses to press charges, like the futured battered wife she is (“He didn’t mean it!”  She coos.), Andy and Jason leave, but not before Jason vows to go all Rambo on Vampire Bill’s ass!

“Welcome to the Gun Show, Breakfast Burrito!”

Alcide wants to stay and protect Sookie too, but he has to go back to Jackson because his character wasn’t officially made into a series regular until Season 4 he needs to protect his family from Trailer Trash Debbie.

Sigh!

“Sookie, you are tougher than a one-eared alley cat,” he begins . . .  (Ummm, you may be hot Alcide, but you sure are BAD at coming up with analogies.  And I’m not the only one who thinks so . . .)

Alcide, I think you’ve made it angry . . .

“I just hate to leave you alone, during all this,” Alcide concludes, brushing his hands lovingly across Sookie’s face, and running his fingers through her hair, as she gazes dreamily into his eyes.  (MAN!  I’m jealous!  Now I know how Trailer Trash Debbie feels!)

Following Tara’s request that Alcide “flirt some sense into her” . . .

“And all these seasons, you thought I was a sh*tty friend!  I’m trying to get you laid by a non-corpse, Sookie!  That’s love!”

Alcide returns for a quickie to Sookie’s house to say goodbye.  After admitting that they would be better off together then with the blood drinking wackadoos they both love currently, the almost-couple share an almost-kiss that.  Said almost-kiss, in my opinion, is ten times hotter than the porn fest Sookie engages in with Taco Bill, at the end of the episode.

And then he leaves . . .

“See you in your dreams!”

Speaking of Sookie’s friend, Tara, she’s been suffering a bit of that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, her cousin Lafayette endured during Season 2.  She refuses to talk to anyone about being kidnapped by Franklin Mott; or how he almost made her into his Vampire Bride; or how she made HIM into chop suey (or taco meat, whichever you prefer) . . .

Hungry for some Mott’s?

Tara’s nightmares about Franklin range from the pornographic to the violent . . .

 . . . just like Franklin, himself.

“That’s my baby inside of you.”

Tara isn’t the only one having “killer” dreams, Arlene was having them too, only her dreams starred her former fiance, and Season 1’s Big Bad Serial Killer with the kickass fake Cajun accent, Rene Lenier.  “I came to see my baby.  It has my blood, my genes,” taunts Dream Renee, as he ogles Arlene’s near-naked body.    When we found out the baby wasn’t Terry’s a few episodes back, we all assumed it was Renee’s.  Now we know for sure (sort of). 

Once he had successfully frightened the stuffing out of Arlene, Dream Renee woke her up by gently caressing her neck, just like THIS . . .

Arlene’s new choker necklace.

Do you think they test for the “serial killer gene” during an amniocentesis?  For Arlene’s sake, I sure hope so!

“Good riddens, Mommy Mickens!”

In Sam’s trailer trash family news, Sam’s annoying Bio Mom showed up on his porch naked . . .

 .  . . to retrieve her belongings and beg her elder son for money.

Then she left, and Tommy Boy cried . . .

Sorry, wrong Tommy Boy . . . 

THIS GUY cried at the loss of Mommy Mickens.  But True Blood fans did this . . .

Later that evening, little Tommy Mickens made me like him less, by picking on sweet adorable Hoyt . . .

. . . and threatening to kick his ass, for no other reason than that Hoyt used to date Jessica, who Tommy apparently has a crush on.  “She’s got a REAL MAN, now!”  Tommy insists, implying himself.

(Ummm .  . . really?  Maybe you’re a big tough guy in the DOG HOUSE, Tommy, but in the real world, you’re kind of short.  And you look about twelve.  Just saying . . .)

Sam tries to set Tommy right, and get him to start thinking about his future.  But Tommy is cranky and just wants his dog bone.

Chew slow Tommy.  Because THIS is the closest you are going to get to being BONED for a LONG TIME!

“I release you!”

“Cowardly Vampire say what?”

While Sam is working hard to be the father Tommy never had, Vampire Bill is busy treating Jessica like she never HAD a Vampire Father / Maker.   Upon returning home, following a long stay in Jackson, Mississippi, Bill is greeted with open arms by Vampire Jessica.  He rejects her affections almost immediately.  “You can’t stay here.   I can’t look after you, anymore.  I’m no good,”  Bill whines . . .

And there go those violins again . . .

But Jessica refuses to leave.  She explains to Bill how she had lost control and killed that human a little while back, and how she needs Bill’s help to control her vampiric instincts.  (Not that Mr. Messy Sookie Eater is such a good role model in the “self control” department.)

“I’ll go back on my diet, tomorrow.  I promise!”

Jess and Bill then bond over the fact that they have both broken up with the people they love (Hoyt and Sookie, respectively), because they feel they are not good enough to deserve these special humans.  HALF of them are right.  Bet you can’t guess, which half?

Eventually, the two hug it out, and Bill decides to let his “ward” stick around.  He also gives her a little lesson on fighting werewolves .  . . werewolves that will HOPEFULLY look nothing like THIS . . .

Jason Stackhouse is in LOVE . . .

 . . . and so are we . . .

While Bill is teaching Jessica how to fight off werewolves, Jason is working to fight off, whatever the heck it is that Crystal’s family IS.   (If you’ve read the books, you already know.)  Jason is at home, gearing up to kill Bill  . . .

 .  . . for what he did to Sookie, when he is interrupted by a knock on his door.  It’s THIS GIRL!

 . . . except she’s all wet and has this gross bloody eye.  Crystal claims she is being chased down by the members of her community, particularly, Felton, her arranged marriage partner, and future abusive husband.  To get away, she needs Jason’s van.  But Jason gives her his c*ck instead. 

A fair trade, if you ask me . . .

Crystal admits that Felton gave her the bloody eye, when she told him she didn’t want to marry him anymore.  This excites Jason immensely, who sees lots more bunny screwing for him and Crystal, in the near future . . .

However, since he DID promise to protect Crystal and not just f*ck her, Jason heads down to her trailer park to set things right.  There he meets the head of the trailer park, Calvin who more or less threatens his life . . .  I hope all those guns of yours are loaded, Mr. Stackhouse, because you are WAY too pretty to die!

“You are a powerful man.  I need to protect you.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but nothing makes ME feel safer than when a crazy lady waves a steak knife in my face . . .

You know who else should be investing in some weaponry to protect himself?  Lafayette.  Our favorite fry cook / V dealer came home from an evening of babysitting Sookie Glow Fingers and PTSD Tara, to find his schizophrenic nutjob of a mom wandering his house, and babbling on about protecting her son from the vampires and other supernatural creatures.  She escaped the mental institution to rescue Lafayette, because of how “powerful” he is.  And when she says powerful, she must mean “powerful in bed,” because moments later, THIS GUY shows up . . .

Sorry, wrong Jesus.  THIS GUY . . .

Jesus wishes to retrive Lafayette’s mother, and return her to the loony bin where she clearly belongs.  The pair chat some more about how bad it is that Lafayette deals V.  But before you know it, the two of them are going at it like rabbits . . .

“I’m bored.   Take off your clothes.”

“Going at it like bunnies.”  That was exactly what Talbot wanted to do with Vampire Eric, when he got tired of playing chess with him.  “I’m bored.  Take off your clothes,” demands Talbot, like the simpering toddler he is.

Eric complies, feigning a bit of shyness as he removes his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater.  “I’ve never done this before,” admits Eric.

“With another man?”  Talbot asks.

“No with another vampire,” replies Eric.

The two start “riding the pony” . . .

 . . . and getting comfortable with one another, when Eric finally urges Talbot to lay down on his stomach.  When Talbot complies, Eric stakes the poor bastard, but not before dramatically monologuing so that the poor schlub is absolutely certain he is about to meet his maker .  . . his OTHER maker.  “King Russell, you killed my family, and now I am going to kill yours,” yells Eric, as he plunges a stake into Talbots back repeatedly and fatally.

“NOOOOOOOO!”  Talbot screamed, just before he died.

“NOOOOOOO!”  TV Recapper screamed, knowing she was out one prospective interior decorator for her future home.

Goodbye, Talbot, you will always be my favorite Mississippi Queen!

But now that Talbot is gone, we must return our focus to Vampire Eric, who is now covered in his blood.  Might I suggest a bath to cleanse you of your sins, Mr Viking?

Or a shower, perhaps?

“Get out of my house, B&TCH!”

In the last few moments of the episode, Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

 .  . . and her werewolf cronies, arrive at Sookies house.   While Sookie LITERALLY wrestles with Debbie on the ground, Vampire Bill and Vampire Jessica arrive on the scene to handle the werewolf cronies.    But just when a proud Vampire Jessica is about to make her first werewolf kill, Big Gay Russell magically appears and grabs her by the neck . . .

“Us vampires travel fast, lots of frequent flier miles.”

Russell offers to give up Vampire Jessica in exchange for Sookie.  Bill is torn, for a moment, between sacrificing his lover and his “child.”  Fortunately, he doesn’t end up having to make this decision, because Jessica gets away, with her werewolf in hot pursuit.   Now evenly matched, Russell and Bill begin to literally fight over Sookie.  Just when it seems as though Bill might be done for, Russell “feels” the death of Talbot, and “flies away.”  No .  . . really.  Debbie then randomly ditches her fight with Sookie too. 

 In the last few seconds, of the episode, Bill and Sookie reunite.  As the credits begin to role, they are screwing hardcore on Sookie’s bedroom floor.  And while the scene is admittedly hotter than that time a dirty naked Bill got down with Sookie on top of some coffins in the cemetery, it still doesn’t quite “do it” for me.

Then again, what do I know?  I’m just a fan.  I can’t always expect to have my Taco Beeelll, and eat it too . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Truly Bloody (And a little gross) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues”

 

This week on True Blood, our girl Tara FINALLY got her GROOVE back . . . and then she stuck it in the back of Franklin’s head . . . multiple times.

I really thought he was going to last longer.  Didn’t you?  Now, if we could just get rid of Lorena . . .

I’m going to be honest with you guys.  I missed a good portion of this episode.  Now, don’t worry, I don’t think this will effect my recap.  You see, I HEARD the entire episode, I just didn’t SEE all of it . . . because my hands were covering my face for a good portion of the hour.

I was hiding my face for SO LONG during this episode, I almost missed NAKED ALCIDE!

But I didn’t!

So, are you ready to get gory?  Let’s get on on with the recap!

The Sophisticated Vampire

“When I said I wanted to new skylight on the ceiling, this WASN’T what I meant.”

When the episode begins, a Smiling Russell Edgington drags Sookie Glow Fingers back to his Big Gay Mansion.  Clearly wanting to make up for being such a Major Dick this whole Season, Vampire Bill decides it’s time to protect his woman.  He does so by brutally staking one of Russell’s body guards.  He then wraps his legs around Russell’s head, which you would think the Big Gay Vampire King would like . . . but he doesn’t.  In fact, he dislikes it so much that he throws Bill at the ceiling. 

Bill “hangs” out there for a little while, before falling back to earth.  Talbot is PISSED about the sudden and unwarranted home renovations.  Something tells me Russell won’t be getting any tonight!

Russell has his remaining guards drag Bill to the “slave chambers.”  Sookie rushes toward him, but is surprised when Vampire Eric grabs her roughly by the wrist and brings her to Russell.

“I wouldn’t let go of this if I were you.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know it is quite valuable,” intones Eric, looking super sexy in his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater, even though he is currently being a Total Tool (or, perhaps, because he’s being one).

“Eric, what the f*ck!” Sookie exclaims.  (Ooh, a lovers’ quarrel!  I see some AWESOME Makeup Sex in these two’s future . . .)

“Awwww, it thinks we’re equals,” coos Eric, maddeningly referring to Sookie, as if she’s his pet.  (He’s gonna get spanked for sure!)

“You’ve been a Bad, Bad Vampire!  I’m going to make you pay, Dirty Boy!”

Lorena interrupts to inquire as to what Russell plans to do with Slave Bill.  “You will kill him,” replies Russell matter-of-factly.

To Lorena’s credit, she actually looks a little upset about having to Kill Bill.

But when Sookie threatens Lorena’s life, if she dares harm her man, Lorena’s fangs literally come out.  “I would love to rip you open, and wear your rib cage as a hat,” Lorena growls.

Tre Chic!

A Sookie is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Eric is instructed to take Sookie into the study, so that Russell can interview her later.  When Sookie tries to protest, Eric lovingly puts his hand over her mouth, “Shut the F&ck Up,” he warns her.

In the study, Sookie and Eric have a hilarious exchange about what just went down between them.  “I hope you were behaving that way for the King’s benefit,” seethes Sookie. 

When Eric denies being disingenuous with the King, Sookie fires back with an on-point impersonation of the Hot Sheriff himself, throwing his own affectionate words from the Season 3 premiere episode back in his face.  “Sookie . . .  your life is too valuable to throw away.  You make me feel almost human,”  she monotones.

Eric can’t deny that Sookie is valuable, but he refuses to cop to expressing any sort of sentiment toward her.  “You must have dreamt it,” he replies.  (Oh no, Eric . . . YOU must have dreamt it!)

Later Russell enters the room, and inquires as to the source of Sookie’s Telepathy, and her Glow Fingers.  “Maybe I’m an alien,” Sookie offers helpfully.

In response to Sookie’s inquiries about Bill’s whereabouts, Russell informs the Alien that Bill has been stalking her keeping a file on her family history.  But love is blind to reason, and Sookie doesn’t seem to react very much to the news.  She is later locked away in one of the Big Gay Mansion’s many rooms.  “Beeeeeeellllll!”  She yelps, because we haven’t heard her do that in about ten minutes, so it’s high time she did it again.

Vampire Bill has fallen and he can’t get it up .  . .

“You got a heating pad or something?  This floor is hell on my sciatica.”

In the grotesque S & M portion of the evening, we watch Lorena as she brutally tortures Bill . . . by forcing him to listen to her inane monologue and crybaby tears. 

“I always forget that I need to wear waterproof mascara when torturing!”

Oh yeah, she’s systematically cutting him with surgical tools, while he’s tied to the floor, too.  Vampire Bill tries to appeal to Lorena’s sympathy, by telling her that he wishes he knew her when she was human and still cared about life.  Lorena whines annoyingly, slightly affected by Bill’s grand speech, but she keeps butchering him anyway.  Unfortunately for Lorena, this sweet little Snuff Film is interrupted by Drug Addled Werewolve,s Coot and Debbie, who barge in hoping for a taste, “from the source.”

Dude, if you weren’t hot I would SO hate you.

YOU, I hate!

Never one to let a meal grow cold (even though, admittedly, this one has been COLD a long time), Trash O’ Deb gets right down to sucking.  Coot, however, prefers to play with his food first.  So he proceeds to kick the cr*p out of the defenseless Bill for murdering his were-friends.  Lorena looks on boredly, wondering whether Rib Cage Hats come in pink to match the new dress she just bought . . .

I now pronounce you Man with Mace-Head

Did I just say that BILL and LORENA provided the “grotesque S&M” portion of the evening?  Because, actually, I think Franklin and Tara had them beat by a MILE!  Things started off “sweet” enough, with Franklin returning to his soon-to-be marital bed, clad in a girly white nightgown to match Tara’s hideous white wedding dress.

“You do realize that blood stains show up on white fabric, don’t you?”

Tara feigns happiness to see her Groom-To-Be, but Franklin has nagging insecurities about her sudden show of affection.  “You didn’t even notice that I shaved for you!”  He pouts, as he straddles his living doll.

Tara tries to relieve Franklin’s doubts by ramping up the sex appeal, or, at least as much as she CAN ramp it up with her arms tied to the bedpost, while wearing that AWFUL gown.  She begs to be untied, so that she can “pleasure him better.”  Franklin complies.  Once untied, Tara begs to taste Franklin’s blood on her last night as a human.  She takes a HUGE chunk out of his neck, which, honestly, I didn’t know was possible with human teeth.  It’s pretty disgusting.  “Kill me, kill me, kill me,” begs Franklin in the throes of passion.”

“OK,” says Tara.

“I can be very obedient when I want to be.”

Once Franklin has fallen asleep, Tara uses the strength she has drawn from Franklin’s vampire blood to communicate with Sookie telepathically, since she knows from Franklin’s intel, that her friend is ocked up nearby.  “I’m coming to get you girl.  We are going to get out of here.  Be ready,” she thinks to herself.

Tara then turns to the cadre of weapons conveniently located on the wall of her bedroom, and selects an ancient mace, which she promptly bashes into Franklin’s skull . . . multiple times . . . until he’s nothing more than a bloody stew.  Poor lovesick puppy never had a chance . . .

 

 

“But I shaved for her!  I don’t understand!”

I Now Pronounce You Beard For Life

While Tara is bashing Franklin’s skull in, Eric is engaging in a romantic card game with Talbot.  Russell interrupts, and requests Eric’s presence on a little “road trip.”  Eric, who assumes the purpose of this trip will be to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, is noticably eager to get moving.

“Come rescue me, Big Daddy!”

“You NEVER take me anywhere!  You prefer to surround yourself with sycophants,” Talbot explains.  (That’s the spirit, Talbot!  Confuse him with your big words!  That will get him back in your bed for sure!)

In the car en-route, Vampire Eric really ramps up the charm, even going as far as to allude to  having sexual interest in Russell. 

However, having witnessed last week’s Viking flashback, we know that Eric has a Master Plan, and vengeance on his mind.  The two discuss King Russell’s “ownership” of the V-addicted werewolves, and his plans to have the supernatural world united for World Domination.  But when Eric inquires about Pam, he learns that Russell has another destination in mind.  The two are headed to Queen Sophie Anne’s house.

The last time we saw Queenie here, she was enjoying a day-long game of Yahtzee.  Now she seems content playing with lottery scratch-offs.  Clearly, this is someone who needs to get a hobby.  Queen Sophie is not at all excited to see Eric and Russell on her doorstep, seeing as the pair has just murdered her guards and tied up her lover, Hadley (who also happens to be Sookie’s cousin).  But Vampire King Russell, ever the romantic, doesn’t concern himself with this.  Instead, he gets on his knees and proposes.

“Go f*ck, yourself,” Queen Sophie replies politely.

At which point, Eric tackles her to the floor like a linebacker.  “No, YOU go f&ck YOURSELF,” he clarifies.   (Wow, lots of f&cking in this episode . . .)  “I’m older than you .  . .you framed me.  Therefore, I renounce my fealty to you.  My loyalty is to the King.”

To celebrate this grand proposal, Eric hopes to kick things off by breaking Queen Sophie Ann’s neck, but Russell doesn’t let him.

Russell diplomatically offers the terms of the couple’s engagement.  He will never touch her.  (Because they are both gay . . . get it?)  He will make all her debt and legal problems disappear.  She will not be prosecuted for dealing V.  Sounds like a damn good deal if you ask me.  The Queen reluctantly agrees to marry Russell, then runs off to find and f&ck her girlfriend . . .

In Sam’s Trailer Trash Family News . . .

Tonight, we learned why Joe Lee had said that he “owned” Tommy, during last week’s episode.  In a revelation that surprised precisely nobody, Tommy’s mom revealed that the family had been surviving on the money Shapeshifter Tommy earned as a pitpull in dog fights.

What WAS surprising, to me anyway, was that Mommy Mickens used to dog fight too . . .

Well . . . maybe not SO surprising.  After all, we always knew she was a b&tch.

In Shirtless Jason Stackhouse News . . .

Jason continues to get it on with Crystal in the woods, complimenting her on how literally hot she is, and explaining to her how he isn’t a virgin (Now that’s the understatement of the century!)  When Jason begs Crystal not to break his heart, she cries.  All tears aside though, things are going great, until Crystal smells something funny, and excuses herself.

“Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bean burrito at the precinct!”

The next day, when Jason arrives at Crystal’s trailer with flowers, this D-Bag who tried to bash in Lafayette’s car (more on him a little later) answers the door.  Crystal soon follows, claiming that the D-Bag is her fiance and that she’s never met Jason in her life.  Crushed, a dejected Jason slouches off.  As he heads to his car however, he finds himself face to face with the naked ASS of the high school football star who he reamed a new one for being cocky at Merlotte’s last week.  Jason gets an IDEA!

“It’s not what you think.  But it SURE looks that way, doesn’t it?”

Jason inexplicably interrupts the high schooler mid-screw, and performs a citizen’s arrest on his butt for “lewd conduct in a public place.”  (Hey, Jason knew the word “lewd!”  Color me impressed . . .

“Something about you ain’t right .  . .” Jason explains. 

That may be true Jason Stackhouse.  But you have to admit, the kid had a really cute ass!

Speaking of Homoerotic Moments  . . .

 . . . Lafayette and Jesus get pretty hot in a car of their own this evening . . . once Lafayette establishes that Jesus isn’t Satan, of course.  (Always an important question to ask your prospective boyfriends.)  They then move their action into Lafayette’s apartment, but are interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.  Lafayette and Jesus run out, to find D-Bag and his cronies from the trailer park bashing in Lafayette’s car.  D-Bag just has enough time to get out a few choice words about Lafayette’s V-dealing tendencies, before Jesus threatens him with a bat, and Lafayette beats the stuffing out of him.   “Tell your friends you just got beaten up by two f*gs,” Lafayette yells after D-bag, as he runs away.

Unfortunately, Jesus heard the part about the V-dealing, and no longer wants any part in Lafayette’s drug-tainted thongs . . .

Jesus is V- free!

In Vampire Jessica News . . .

Our Teen Vamp seems to be really learning how to control her powers.  After a slight slip of fang at Merlottes, Vampire Jessica tries to make amends with Arlene, by glamouring a customer to give the waitress a BIG tip, after she got all the other restaurant patrons to stiff her last week.  She also successfully FEEDS on this patron without killing her . . .

You go, Vampire Chick!

Back at the Big Gay Mansion . . .

SOOKIE:  “Beeeeeeeeeellll!”

TARA:  “Oh, hell no!  Do you have any idea what I’ve been through to get to you?   You better say MY NAME, b&tch!”

Tara breaks Sookie out of Big Gay Jail, by beating up the guards outside Sookie’s room.  The two escape the mansion, but Sookie annoyingly wants to go back and rescue Vampire Bill.  Tara thinks she’s f*cking nuts!  I agree.  Once again, Tara is running through the fields, when she encounters yet another werewolf, but this one looks different . . .

The first time I saw it in the promos, I thought it was some kind of Were-Vampire, but I was wrong.  It was THIS GUY!

NAKED!

Back in his human form, Alcide tells Tara he is here looking for Sookie, but Tara is too busy staring at his gorgeous abs and large johnson to pay much attention to his words.  “Do you have a car so we can have hot passionate animal sex in it?”  She inquires.

“Yeah,” replies Alcide.

And off they go . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Sookie finds a blood drained, nearly lifeless, Vampire Bill on the floor of the “Slave Quarters.”  She professes her love to the dying vamp, promising to do whatever it takes to save him.  Then Lorena magically appears . . .

Sorry, I just liked the rib cage hat too much, not to use it again . . .

As the episode ends, Lorena attacks Sookie, biting her neck until she screams for mercy.  That’s not good!

And there you have it folks, a Truly Bloody True Blood.  Did you like it?  Or was all just a bit too much gore and too little Shirtless Stackhouse . .

P.S. For those of you out there, who are wondering where my Mad Men season premiere recap is, I PROMISE it will be up tomorrow.  Sorry for the delay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do require SOME sleep . . . 🙂

 

 

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The Runaway Bride of Franklin-stein – A Recap of True Blood’s “Trouble”

“Damn that Julia Roberts!  She made it look so easy!”

Howdy Fangbangers!  Tonight’s True Blood installment featured a boatload of lovin’, and a monster truckload of CRAZY, to boot.  Both were delivered in one truly twisted package by none other than THIS GUY  . . .

But “Trouble” wasn’t ALL about Franklin’s disturbing (albeit, at times, oddly humorous) “relationship” with Tara, there were also new flirtations, “sparks” of both a figurative, and a LITERAL (I’m looking at you Sookie Glow Fingers!) nature, betrayals, and, of course, after a WAY TOO LONG hiatus, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse.

We missed you, baby!

So, without further adieu, let’s take our tops off and fall in love.  Shall we?

Franklin Mott: Texts Like a Champ, Cries Like a B&tch

“Hey, you would cry too, if they took away YOUR unlimited texting plan!”

When we first see the Object of Franklin’s Obsession, Tara, she’s  . . . a little tied up.

Then, in walks Russell and Lorena, having recently finished gorging on that sad, but still skanky, stripper from last week’s episode.  But what surprises Tara, more is that BILL is with them . . .

This may surprise Tara, but it doesn’t surprise US at all.  After all,  WE saw him snacking on the Skank Stew, with our very own eyes, last Sunday.  What did surprise me, however, was what PIGGY EATERS these vamps were!  Seriously, who over the age of 3 eats like this?

“That stripper was yummy, Mommy!”

Please don’t tell me that the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi and his new Sheriff can’t afford to invest in a pack of wet naps.

Tara pleads for Vampire Bill to rescue her.  Unfortunately, Bill cannot engage in any strenuous activity until 30 minutes after he has finished eating, or he gets really bad cramps.  So he tells Tara, “No.”

No worries!  Franklin has fun plans for his human doll, Tara!  And those fun plans involve dressing her in the ugliest, least flattering, wedding dress I have ever seen, and tying her to the bedpost.  What fun!

“Hope you brought a bed pan.  Because I really have to pee.”

When Lafayette texts Tara to ascertain her whereabouts, Franklin (after making sure Lafayette isn’t a boyfriend of hers) uses the opportunity to display his mad texting skills.  “Watch how fast I can type, ‘motherf*cker,”’ he brags, as his vampire fingers go all swirly whirly, like a raver on ecstacy. 

Tara seems impressed.  She might even clap . . . if her hands weren’t attached to the bed.  Later that day, while Franklin sleeps in bed next to her (Don’t vampires sleep in coffins, in this world?), Tara gnaws through her arm restraints (SERIOUSLY?  What kind of crazy, gnarly, teeth does this girl have?). 

 Free at last, she dashes out of the mansion in broad daylight, sprinting across the field, as fast as her legs can carry her.  Unfortunately, she’s spotted by the guard dog.

I wish MY guard dog looked like that!

Guard Dog Coot tackles Tara, and starts licking her face . . . Just kidding, only Franklin is allowed to do that.

When Coot returns Tara to “her rightful owner,” Franklin bursts into tears.  He’s just bawling like a baby.  He can’t understand why, on earth, Tara would possibly want to leave him.   Especially after he offered her a VINTAGE dress, and fed her exotic cuisine.

Tastes like Skanky Stripper chicken.

Tara, recognizing that being “nice” to Franklin will earn her more privileges and a better chance at escape, turns on the charm.  Not an easy feat for a girl who, lets face it, isn’t all that charming to begin with.  Tara tells Franklin she doesn’t fear him, only the other vampires.  She also explains how, while the flowers look delicious, she’d really much prefer some Mac ‘N Cheese.  Franklin seems elated by Tara’s sudden change in heart.  He offers to plan a celebration in honor of Tara’s last night being human.  He wishes to make her his Vampire Bride.

This time, my shocked face is genuine.  I didn’t see that one coming . . .

Later, while Franklin is chatting with the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi . . .

 . . . we learn a few things: (1) that Franklin was the one searching Vampire Bill’s house for intel on Sookie; (2) that Russell hired him to do it; (3) that, for whatever reason, Vampire Bill is not only keeping a dossier on Sookie, he also appears to be charting Sookie’s geneology, to ascertain the origins of her telepathy.  Because that’s what all good boyfriends do for the girls they love, right?  Stalk them. 

“But, of course!  Love means never having to get a restraining order!”

Jason Stackhouse: Dumber than a box of rocks, but pretty enough for it not to make a difference

Undoubtedly, the fine citizens of Bon Temps can sleep a little better tonight, knowing that Jason Stackhouse is out there protecting them.  And by “protecting them,” I mean cruising them while shirtless, and giving them the best Tree Hump they ever had.  Yes, this episode marked Jason’s first day on the job as an “Assistant Liason Deputy,” after he bribed new Sheriff Andy Bellefleur to let him on the force.

Crime has a new enemy.  And it looks GOOD shirtless!

At first, Andy, who, unlike Jason, is no dummy, keeps his protege safely behind the desk.  At first, Jason doesn’t seem to mind too much.  After all, there are SO many fun things to do behind a desk!  One can . . . make a paperclip jump rope!  Or put ink from a stamp pad all over his face!  Or play paper football!

But after a while, Jason starts to go a bit stir crazy, and begs for something “more active” to do.  And like, I said, Andy is no dummy!  He’s also my hero.  Because he provides Jason with a task that not only helps the citizens of Bon Temps, it also helps True Blood fans across the world!  It’s a task that involves Jason taking off his shirt AND getting wet!

“Working at the CAR WASH! Ohohohoh!  Working at the CAR WASH, yeah!”

Andy has Jason wash the cop cars!  BRILLIANT!  While Jason is flexing his muscles, however, he spies a familiar face.

“Hey, there Hot Stuff!  Allow me to introduce myself.  I’m your Next Conquest!”

Jason is so excited about seeing his dream girl again  (The first time he spotted her, she was crying in a field, in the trailer park.), that he forgets to put his shirt on before hopping in the cop car and giving chase.  (Woo Hoo!)

When Jason asks Crystal for her license and registration, she staunchly refuses.  “Are you resisting me?”  Jason inquires, amazed that anyone would have the nerve to resist his abs an officer of the law. 

But Crystal doesn’t believe Jason’s a real cop.   And rightfully so.  He has no badge . . . and no shirt.  Undeterred, Jason invites Crystal to meet him that night at Merlotte’s, which apparently is the ONLY bar in town, because no one seems to go anywhere else . . . EVER.  (Fangtasia is actually a few towns over.)  While Jason waits for Crystal, he runs into Andy who tells him that, thanks to a few pulled strings, Jason CAN become a cop.  The only problem, he has to pass THE EXAM.

Seeing as the only tests Jason “passes” are the pregnancy tests he buys for the girls he might have accidentally knocked up . . .

It may say “minus,” but for Jason this one’s an A+ for sure!

Fortunately, for Jason, Crystal arrives to save the day!  

 She leads Jason out into the woods and the two start humping against a tree, like two dogs in heat.  (Can’t you get splinters from tree bark?  Bark burn, perhaps?) 

The whole tree f*cking scenario is so romantic that Jason immediately starts talking about love, marriage, and all that mushy crap.  “Dude!  It’s our first date!  Stop being such a woman!”  Crystal scolds.

(No, actually, she doesn’t say that.  But she DOES tell Jason to not get caught up in future talk, and to just worry about the here and now.)

Great advice, Crystal!  A tied down Jason = Some very sad fans indeed.

Jesus Loves Me

Speaking of getting tied down, Lafayette seems well on his way to doing just that.  When his mother’s nursemaid, Jesus, comes to visit our favorite drug – dealing fry cook at Merlotte’s, Lafayette is convinced his mother has died.  But no, Jesus simply wants inside those infamous Lafayette Pantalones.

Can you blame him?

And, let me tell you, Jesus could give Franklin Mott a run for his money in sheer aggressiveness.  When Lafayette tells the nursemaid he has to work, Jesus WAITS at the bar for him to finish his shift for NINE HOURS!  Can you imagine spending NINE HOURS at Merlotte’s?  Do you have any idea how much REALLY BAD country music you’d have to listen to?  (Shudders)  Now THAT’S dedication!

In Eric News . . .

Eric arrived at Big Gay Vampire Russell’s house.  He looked hot.  He flirted a bit with the ALSO hot, Talbot, in hopes of gleaning some important information from him later.

“Team Eric all the way!  He’s a much cleaner eater than Bill!”

In a play to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, Eric asks Russell about Vampire Bill’s whereabouts, sticking to his story about how he believes  Bill to be dealing illegally V.  Russell calles his bluff, by bringing in Bill himself to refute these charges.  As soon as Eric hears that Bill has “switched teams,” he does what any good lovesick vampire would do, inquires after his girl.  “Does this mean that Sookie is free?”  He asks, a seductive glint in his eye.

Bill says, “Yes.”

Rest up, Viking Vamp!  Someone is about to give that “stamina” of yours a real run for its money . . .

While touring La Casa de Big Gay Vampire King, Eric comes across a Viking crown.  He recognizes it instantly as the crown his father wore when he was Viking King back in the day.  Apparently, Eric had “stamina” even back then.  In the flashback, Eric was so busy sticking it to the milkmaid, he failed to notice his parents were being killed by werewolves.   The dark cloaked figure controlling the werewolves, who absconded with Eric’s father’s crown, was none other than Russell Edgington.  Leaning over his father’s corpse, Eric vies for revenge. 

Well  . . .  seeing as centuries have passed since this happened, he’s a little late, but here’s hoping  Eric FINALLY gets what he wants . . .

Oh yeah . . . and I guess the “vengeance” part too (assuming he has any time left over, from his nonstop schedule of mindblowing sex.)

In Sam and his Annoying Redneck Family News . . .

Tommy is growing on me . . .

. . . and I’m not just saying that because he has a gun to my face. 

He was really sweet to Vampire Jessica, when she was obviously hurting over seeing Hoyt having prospectively “moved on” with another woman.  He also seemed really vulnerable when he begged Sam to be able to sleep over at his house, because he was afraid of what Joe Lee might do to him, if he returned home.  That night, a very drunk Joe Lee nearly broke down Sam’s door, demanding his son’s return.  I really hope this storyline isn’t going where I think its going.  Because I’m generally not a big fan of the incest  . . .

Let’s save the After School Specials and Abused Kid Stories for Lifetime, shall we, True Blood?

Speaking of Vampire Jessica . . .

. . . I loved how she got back at Arlene for being a hater.   And yet under the circumstances, you can’t really BLAME Arlene for fearing Vampire Jessica will glamour her, when she seems to do it to EVERYBODY ELSE. 

Did I mention that Arlene and Terry are moving in together?

Did you care?  Because I sure didn’t. Don’t get me wrong . . . I LIKE Terry.  I just really don’t like Arlene.  And I really don’t like Terry WITH Arlene.  So, I prefer to ignore this storyline.  Thank you very much.

And then there was Sookie . . .

Despite their FAB chemistry last week, Sookie and Alcide didn’t seem to be meshing very well this week.  Perhaps it was because he kept insisting on keeping his shirt on . . .

Hasn’t Jason Stackhouse taught you ANYTHING?

Sookie and Alcide spent most of the episode bickering, and it didn’t look pretty on either of them.  Sookie kept barging into Alcide’s head and reading his thoughts.  When she wasn’t doing that, she was nagging him about finding Beeeell! 

Alcide, for all his “evolved gentleman” talk, came off as a bit of a chauvinist pig, refusing to let Sookie help him in his investigation of the Big Bad Werewolves.  Something tells me that unless Sookie teaches him right, Alcide will end up with a meek, barefoot and pregnant wife, whose sole joy in life is to feed her wolfman raw meat, after a full day spent cleaning the house.

“Mmmm, tastes like Sookie!”

That night, Trashtastic Debbie barges into Alcide’s home, her She-Mullet flapping in the wind.

Sookie really lets her have it for her poor treatment of Alcide.  She then tries to read Debbie’s thoughts to glean information about Bill, but comes up empty handed because Debbie has no brain.

Later, Sookie and Alcide visit the werewolf packleader to ask for help against the Big Bad Werewolves.  Unfortunately, said packleader is a WIMPY WEINERFACE.  The mere mention of the Big Bad Werewolves and the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi has the “Grand Exalted Leader” nearly pissing his pants with fear . . .

Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?  The Big Bad Wolf.  The Big Bad Wolf.  Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?  Hahahahahaaa.

Back at La Casa de Alcide, Sookie receives a visitor.  It’s VAMPIRE BILL!

Bill and Sookie embrace lovingly, as if the whole, “Lorena and I f*cked like only two vampires can” statement was never made.  Bill warns Sookie she has to leave ASAP.  At this point, I’m trying to remember whether Bill was actually invited in to Alcide’s house, as per vampire rules.  He just seemed to magically appear there.

But you know who DEFINITELY wasn’t invited in?  THIS TURD . . .

Russell barges into the house with Coot and his werewolf goons.  They attack Bill and Alcide first.  Poor Alcide gets kicked in the nuts.  AGAIN!  That boy SERIOUSLY has to invest in a protective cup, if he wants to keep hanging out with Sookie . . .

But when Coot lunges for Sookie, she does that sparkly lightning bolt thingy with her hand that we saw her do last season to Maenad Maryanne.  Coot flies backward from the impact of the electric shock.  Far from being annoyed by the incapacitation of his top henchman, Russell seems THRILLED by this recent turn of events.  He laughs uproariously.  “FANTASTIC!”  He howls.

Here’s hoping next week’s episode begins with Sookie sticking a lightning bolt up RUSSELL’S ass.  We’ll see how much he’s laughing then . . .

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