Taming of the Shrewd – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Echo House”

Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers!  It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits).   Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort!  She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!

 

Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .

 

“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”

Five-star cuisine . . .

 

“Tastes like chicken?”

A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need .  . .

 

 

And the accommodations?  Talk about luxurious!

So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while.  Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]

The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow

Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker.  If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims.  Why?  Because he’s a smart guy!  He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.

 

I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .

Simpler-minded . . .

Less complex . . .

I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.

 

“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”

But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too.  One who clearly likes a challenge.  And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap.  He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls.  Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.

They say nice guys finish last.  But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned!  Sorry Stiles!  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .

As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott.  Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum.  Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!

Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.

“Looks pretty swanky.  I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”

And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.

Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.

“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.

Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right?  They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .

Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.

“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”

But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy.  *sniffle*

Just Hanging Out . . .

Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical  equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .

 

He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets!  Very clever!

Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle.  And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you.  Ready?

“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky.  It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”

Get it?  It’s a SHADOW!

 

Come on Nogitsune!  Stop giving us riddles with the same answer.  Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .

 

“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right?  The answer is totally wings!”

Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule.  But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it.  She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.

 

Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!

 

All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy.  He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!

“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”

“This place has a lot of echoes.  That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”

“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?”  (Just kidding.  He never said that one.)

In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .

. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .

By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug.  Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note.  But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.

You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .

Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House.  Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .

 

Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table.  I wonder what that would look like?

Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.

Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular.  But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material.  So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right?  Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .

 

“My queen!”

“My fist!”

Then again, maybe not . . .

 

But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty.  Check it out.  It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .

While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .

 

 

 

Curiouser and curiouser . . .

Fun with Flags Scrolls

This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason.  Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.

 

“These are some really expensive paper towels.”

For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy?   Huh?

 

“Why are my friends so stupid?”

Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.”  Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!

In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles

Poor Stiles!  A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise.  First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance.  Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned.  And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.

By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.

 

 

“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”

The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?

Animal Instincts

While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.

 

“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”

 

But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy.  Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina).  Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there.  Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again .   . .

 

It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven .  . .

After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs.  “They are not going to drill holes in my head.”  (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.

 

 

But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.

 

“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”

 

Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show!   Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Give me the Finger!

So many mixed metaphors on this show.  First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”

OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor.  But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer.  The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.

Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .

Give him the finger . . .

Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.

 

“I’ve got it!  The answer is shadow!”

Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.

Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .

 

Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.

Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.

Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about.  Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish.  She was much more interesting then . . .

La Loba . . . El Bano.

Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .

Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel   . . .

Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.

 

“How did I get my bat back?”

“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon.  Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”

“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”

In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads.  (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)

Rock on, Stiles.  It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!

Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.

Other turn ons for Malia?  Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .

(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)

 

What’s a girl to do?  I know!  You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!

 

Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune!  Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot.  (So much pretty on one television screen!).

 

 

 

But also kind of cheap, in a way.  Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible,  with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.

 

“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”

Then again, it’s also kind of realistic.  Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .

Or . .  . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!

Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?

You know what would be hotter though?  If they did it to This Song  . . .

Even better news?  Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .

 

 

Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.

Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony.  And it tells them . . .  pretty much nothing.

“It just says Shadow.”

Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host.  And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles!  You need to bulk up . . .

. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .

The Trouble with Eating Bugs

Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?

Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?

But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?

 

“Et tu Oliver?”

“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover?  If so, then yes.”

Now, you will!

Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .

 

Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned.   And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.

 

But wait, there’s more!

Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?

Watch out, Lydia!  The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .

 

Next time on Teen Wolf . . . Chaos!

See ya then, Werebangers!

Nice Knowing Ya’ CLOSET! – A Recap of Glee’s “I Kissed a Girl”

Greetings Gleeks!  You know one of the benefits of writing a late Gleecap, as I’m often inclined to do, is having the hindsight of having already read a few message boards on the subject.  And boy, did this episode make a whole lot of people angry, for a variety of reasons . . .

Some of you were put off by how the writers handled Finn’s outing of Santana.

Others were frustrated by the sheer lack of Brittana, throughout the hour, thereby making the title of this episode, somewhat of a misnomer . . . if you catch my drift.

Still others of you were annoyed at how the episode brushed off Santana’s actual coming out to her parents.

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And, finally, a whole boatload of you were TOTALLY GROSSED out by the Puck / Quinn / Shelby storyline.

But, hey, at least it’s not half as bad as Puck’s storylines with that Lauren Zizes chick.  Right?  RIGHT??

Who knew a show about singing and dancing high schoolers could be so divisive?  Let’s Gleecap, shall we?

The Slap Heard Round the World School

Last week’s Gleeky installment ended with Santana (or, according to her, her alter ego, “Snicks”) clocking Finn (a.k.a. Fetus Face, a.k.a. Hamburglar) in the face for inadvertently outing her to all of Lima, Ohio.

I know I posted it before, but it bears repeating . . . 😉 

This week, Santana’s facing down suspension, not to mention a big fat “NO” to competing in Sectionals.  Finn shocks his erstwhile nemesis by claiming the entire slapping debacle to be nothing more than a little impromptu acting.

Apparently, Finn is a much better actor than he is a dancer  . . .

“It was fake.  HAHA!  Just kidding!  LOL and such!” He says, though his face currently bears a big red handprint on it, with the words “Santana was here, B*TCHES,” written in a mixture blood and lipstick across his cheek.”  (Not really . . . but there should have been.)

No one’s more shocked by this than Santana, herself.  So, she confronts Finn outside the principal’s office to slap him again, only this time in the ass find out what sort of evil plan he has up his sleeve.  Now, here’s where things got a bit messy in the Glee fandom . . .

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Finn says a whole lot of pretty schmoopy stuff to Santana, about why he’s so intent on helping her more fully “de-closet herself.”  He says SO MUCH schmoopy stuff in fact, that part of me kept waiting for the DRAMATIC BUT SAD violin to provide backup music for his speech.

Unfortunately, Violin is still in the closet, but only because no one has outed her yet.  Finn?

He tells her she’s awesome . . . and that by hiding her Gay, she’s hiding some of her awesomeness, right along with it.  It also makes her act like a bit of a tool.  Finn also claims that he cares about Santana deeply, since her’s was the first bun to accept his hot dog . . .

Finally,  he claims he doesn’t want her to kill herself, like the kid he recently read about in the news.  But through all these sweet,  if slightly patronizing, words, Finn fails to say the one thing Santana fans really want to hear: I’M SORRY I OUTED YOU, BEFORE YOU WERE READY TO COME OUT ON YOUR OWN.

DOH! 

Because, the fact remains that the REAL reason Santana has to come out of the closet now is because Finn THREW her out of it, albeit inadvertently so.  Therefore, whether Finn believes that Santana SHOULD come out of the closet,  is really beside the point.  By not apologizing to Santana for what he did, it could be argued that Finn feels justified in outing her, simply because the ends satisfy the means.  If this wasn’t the writers’ intention, they probably should have shown a bit less Preachy McPreacherson, and a bit more remorse, from our male lead .  . .

Going Girly . . .

The next step in Finn’s Let’s Blow Up Santana’s Closet plan is to have both the New Directions kids and the Troubletones sing what he terms “Lady Music,” i.e. songs by girls, about girls.  Finn hopes that this will show Santana just how much support she has from her Glee social circle.

First up to sing are Kurt and Blaine, who launch into a slightly subdued version of Pink’s “Perfect.”  It was a sweet rendition.  Though, I must admit, I found myself a bit distracted during it by Kurt’s bizarre HALF sweater.

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Specifically, I couldn’t help but wonder whether Blaine might have ripped the other half off of him, during . . . ahem . . . rehearsal.

Then, of course, there was Santana’s reaction . . .

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Awww, Santana!  Kurt SACRIFICED A HIDEOUSLY UGLY SWEATER for YOU!  Show some respect!

You can check out the entire performance of “Perfect” here:

Meanwhile . . .

Puck Gets Lucky . . .

Puck’s Lady Song is “I’m the Only One,” by Melissa Etheridge.  Like many of Puck’s solos,  this song is well-suited for the character’s gravelly sex voice, preference for guitar accompaniment, sheer love of repeated pelvis grinding, and overwhelming desire to dedicate whatever song he sings to his current love interest / conquest.  Everytime I watch Puck do one of these songs, I worry that he might impregnate me through the television screen . . .

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As many of you know, I’m a HUGE Puck fan.  So, of course, I enjoyed this performance.  I did have two complaints, however.  (1) Puck’s shameless eyef*cking of Shelby came across as a bit creepy to me .  . . I’m not quite sure why.

(2) At some point, during the past two weeks, Puck’s Mohawk seems to have morphed into a furry woodland creature, named Spanks.

Keeping a  furry woodland creature on your head, during the act of eyesex constitutes animal cruelty, in my book . . .

Animal cruelty aside, Shelby calls Puck during school, when Baby Beth falls and cuts her lip open.  Puck successfully takes charge of the situation.  And, as a reward, wins SEX.  HOORAY!

How convenient of Shelby to wait until Puck had already “helped her” in more ways than one, to decide, “this is immoral .  . . We can’t do this.”  On second thought, maybe what Shelby did was kind.  After all, at least Puck won’t have to worry about these .  . .

 . . . unlike, say, somebody else  we know at McKinley High who has to wear them ALL THE TIME .  . .

Prior to this, Quinn had, more or less, offered Puck “sure thing sex.”  But Puck, shockingly enough, turned her down because . . .  well, because she’s been a wackadoo, baby stealing, ASSHAT, for pretty much, this entire season  .  . . THAT’S WHY.  Actually, I believe his words were, “I’d rather raw dog a beehive.”  Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .

All that aside, since he’s a 29 year old  teenager with Super Sex Stamina, who still has a few rounds left in him, after his one-time romp with Rachel’s bio mom (ICK!), after being rejected by Shelby, Quackers Quinn starts to look pretty darn tasty . . .

“Try no to be too alarmed, if I yell out the name “Shelby” during our Big Moment . . . um . . . it’s my dog’s name.  Yeah, that’s it!” 

Hate Sex is hot, isn’t it?  Unless, of course, you lack a condom, and your sperm have already shown themselves to be expert swimmers . . .

“Not to worry,” says Quinn (more or less), “teen pregnancy is awesome.  And I would know .  . .”

Apparently, Quinn has given up the notion of stealing Beth from Shelby, because .  . . wait for it . . . she’s decided to make another Baby.

Seriously?   Someone get this girl a strait-jacket, PLEASE!

 Fortunately, for Quinn (and us), Puck doesn’t want to play these baby-making games.  He tells her how lost she’s become, since her first baby.  And yet he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she will safely escape the HELL that is Lima, and go on to do something great with her life like marry a billionaire and/or make a famous sex tape that earns her a reality TV show, and millions of dollars in endorsements.  Clearly, this is precisely what Quinn needed to hear.  And, for about two seconds, all seems good with the world.

So, why then, did Puck feel the need to poop on all that progress,  by confessing his affair with Shelby to Quinn.

Personally, I think Spanks made him do it.  DAMN YOU, SPANKS!

Elsewhere, in SueTown . . .

Everybody Loves Cooter . . .

“Why would someone assume I’m a friend of Ellen just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl’s sport and I married myself? It just doesn’t make sense.” Sue writes in her faithful diary, during one of the funniest bits of dialogue, in the entire episode . . .

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Did you know Sue has a Black Booty Call book, that’s annotated with helpful reminders of certain celebrities’ prowess between the sheets?  Personally, I’m hoping Fox decides to sell this one on Ebay.  Surely, many of us fellow star-screwers can benefit from knowing that Dan Quayle is “too needy,” Matt Lauer is “a crier,” and Oliver North is “a biter.”

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Of course, for the present, Sue only has one man in mind to help her combat gay rumors, and win the congressional election.  And that man’s name start’s with a “C” and is a derogatory name for a woman’s body part.  (NO!  Not THAT name . . . the other one . . . Callalily.  (Just kidding.  It’s Cooter.)

“But wait!”  You say.  “Unacceptable!  He belongs to the Beiste!”

Well, that’s what she thought too . . . until she was picking up her usual chickeny dinner (I thought Breadsticks delivered?) . . . and ran into the Old Coot on a date with a certain Congressional Candidate.  Poor Beiste is devastated.  And, what’s worse, Cooter admits that he’s dating Sue, because Beiste isn’t .  . . um . . . curing his Man Pain.  Yep, apparently someone on this show still hasn’t cashed in that shiny V card.  Unfortunately, for Beiste, night time weightlifting sessions (NOT a euphemism for sex), do not equal a “romantic relationship,” as far as Cooter is concerned.

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It looks like SOMEONE has just been punted into the dreaded Friend Zone.  I smell a solo song number.  Don’t you?

I hereby present to you “Jolene.”

Ultimately,  Sue ends up losing the Congressional Election to Burt Hummel.   But will she lose her Cooter to the Turducken loving Beiste, who has decided to battle for his love, one chicken breast at a time?  Only the writers know for sure . . .

I’m Coming Out (I Want the World to Know)

Finn’s tribute to Santana is a slow, sultry, and oddly poignant version of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”  It came as a pleasant surprise for me, because I’m not usually a huge fan of Finn’s voice.  I also always tend to prefer Glee songs that offer a unique take on an already popular song, as opposed to merely covering it, karaoke style.  So, this really worked for me.  Santana must have felt the same way, since her the iceberg around her heart melted enough by the end of the performance, to offer Finn both a hug and heartfelt thanks.

All together now . . . “Awwwww.”

You can catch the performance, in it’s entirety, here:

Outside by the lockers, some douchebag leers at Santana, and decides to make her his “personal challenge.”  This prompts the rest of the Glee girls, to systematically rip him a new one, in a show of sisterly solidarity.  Then, back to the Glee room they go, to perform YET ANOTHER Katy Perry song.  This time it’s the titular “I Kissed the Girl.”  And while none of the girls actually kiss during it, there is a whole lot of ass grabbing . . . You know, if you’re into that sort of thing . . .

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Check it out . . .

We never get to see Santana actually come out to her parents, though we are told that they are “fine with it.”  Wait . . . what?  I thought that seeing Santana come out to her parents and make out with Brittany was supposed to be the WHOLE POINT OF THIS EPISODE?

Santana did come out to her grandma, though . . . That didn’t go so well . . .  “I want you to know me . . . who I really am,” Santana says to this woman, who she’s loved dearly and admired her entire life.

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So, of course that evil wench has to go, and squash her heart like a bug . . .

How dare Santana make her asshat grandma uncomfortable, by telling her what’s in her heart?  She should have kept it a secret, and maintained the lie of their relationship . . . that would be MUCH better.  It’s interesting (and sad) how Grandma seems more willing to accept that her daughter might be pregnant, while still in high school, than gay.  Eventually, Grandma kicks a tearful Santana out of her house, and tells her never to return.

Then, as soon as Santana leaves, the Glee fandom knocks down the old lady’s door, and proceeds to beat the crap out of her homophobic ass.  Good times! 🙂

Santana returns to school the next day, subdued, but determined to keep on fighting for her own happiness.  She sings k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving,” while Puck and Shelby stare moodily at one another, and Crazy Quinn plots the teacher’s untimely death.  Other than that awkwardness, the performance serves as a poignant finale to the journey Santana underwent, during the episode . . .

In other news . . .

When Stuffing a Ballot Box, Don’t Forget to Count the Ballots . . .

Sue wasn’t the only person to lose an election this week, Kurt lost one too . . . but for lack of cheating trying.  It’s student election time at McKinley and Kurt is convinced that he is going to lose to Brittany, because, unlike her, he refuses to go topless on Tuesdays.  (Can we get Blaine to go topless on Tuesday’s instead?   Or Puck,  for that matter?)

Convinced that an election loss will kill his chances of getting into NYATA college, Kurt contemplates stuffing the ballot box.   But Rachel, Blaine and Finn convince him to “be good.” The ballots are secret, but, the benefit of this being a TV show is that we get to see who everyone votes for.  Santana and Quinn show Cheerios spirit (and a little Lebanese Lady Love, respectively) by voting for their Britt . . .

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 . . . while most of the other Gleeks seem to support Kurt.

However, when Kurt ends up winning the election by 190 more votes than there are actually STUDENTS IN THE SCHOOL, Principal Figgins cries foul.   This is the worst election scandal since Bush v. Gore!  Kurt is called in for questioning, and threatened with suspension.  There’s only one problem .  . . he didn’t do it.

You know who did?   Rachel . . . . you know, because she needs her Gay Best Friend for college nights on the town, and stuff.  (Who doesn’t?)

Of course, Brittany ends up winning the election, fair and square.   (HOORAY for Pixie Sticks and Public Nudity!)  Kurt concedes graciously,  telling Brittany to “rule awesomely,” even though he’s quite certain now that he won’t get into college now, and will be forced to spend the rest of his life in Lima,  singing oldies songs for tips at the local Johnny Rockets . . .

And here’s the kicker . . . Rachel might not get into NYATA now either.  Her election rigging is going on her permanent record.  She’s suspended from school for a week, and . . . wait for it . . . she’s BANNED FROM COMPETING IN SECTIONALS!!

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This is terrible.  The New Directions are probably going to have to have that little leprechaun kid do all the solos now . . .

Next week on Glee, SHIRTLESS SAM is back, and . . .

Yeah, I missed everything else, after I saw that.  It’s a girl thing.  What can I tell you?  Anywhoo, feel free to check out the trailer for next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Hold on to Sixteen” here:

So . . . tell me . . . what did you think of “I Kissed a Girl?” 😉

Until next time, Gleeks . . .

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Dodging the Bully – A Recap of Glee’s “Mash Off”

[Fashionably Late . . . Again?  (I’m afraid this is becoming a habit.)  The Recap for Gossip Girl’s “All the Pretty Sources” is well under way.  Wondering when you can expect it?  I’d say most probably before midnight (EST), tomorrow, Tuesday, November 22nd.  My sincere apologies for my recent lack of timeliness.  (Chuck got me very drunk last night . . . just like Dan.)]

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Greetings Gleeks!  This Very Special Episode of Glee was all about the unintended consequences of bullying.  But lest you think the entire episode was a TOTAL downer .  . . there was also a sizeable portion of it that was about Puck’s weiner.

Get it?  A sizeable portion . . . because Puck’s wei  . . . nevermind.

Let’s recap, shall we?

Pucker up, for the Puck-ster

It’s a weekday, which means Puck must be in love with a new woman.  At least, this time, it’s not that annoying asshat, Lauren Zizes . . .

“What the f*&k was I thinking?” 

As Puck and the show’s writers go to great lengths to remind us, he’s EIGHTEEN now.  So, it’s TOTALLY OK for him to want to taste the forbidden fruit that is adopted mother-of-his child / substitute teacher / rival Glee club director, Shelby Corcoran . . .  I smell a musical moment, don’t you?

Though not necessarily the best sounding cover song Glee has ever done, “Hot for Teacher,” was definitely good for a few laughs . . . with Puck gyrating to the rhythm of his old school guitar, and crooning / yelling in that sexy, scratchy voice of his.  Meanwhile, Blaine and Mike Chang repeatedly grabbed their grotches, wiggled their hips, and awkwardly waved their hands behind him, in an odd little cross between the original Van Halen music video on which this was based, and . . . a rousing game of Simon Says?

Oh, and, of course, Finn was making his classic, “I’m on the drums” face, the whole time . . .

He didn’t participate in any of the dancing though . . . (Gee, I wonder why?)

Feel free to check out the original “Hot for Teacher” below, and compare the two for yourself . . .

Anywhoo, Puck attempts to win Shelby’s heart by giving her a baby pumpkin, instead of the usual “apple for the teacher” type deal.  Have any of you out there ever actually eaten a baby pumpkin?  Do they taste like regular pumpkins?  I don’t know . . .  They are more interesting than apples though . . . because, really, anybody can get you an apple.  Baby pumpkins, on the other hand, are only available when they are in-season.

But I digress . . .

Puck proceeds to make his plea for Shelby’s love by (1)  reminding Shelby how hot they both are . . .

Well . . . I agree with half of that statement. 😉 

(2) listing all the May / December celebrity romances that have worked . . . like Ashton and Demi for example . . .

WHOOPS.  Nevermind!  It looks like the script for this show was written a few weeks too early.  Indiana Jones and Ally McBeal ARE still together though, last time I checked.  So, he got that one right . . . at least.

(3) And offering to be a REAL father to Baby Beth . . .

But perhaps the most controversial thing Puck did to win Shelby’s love was to out Quinn for all those awful things she did to get Baby Beth taken away from Shelby by Child Services.

Now, assuming Puck did this, because he thought Shelby had the right to know, and not just as a ploy to get into her thong (which is debatable), I’m all for it.  However, something tells me that Quinn isn’t going to feel the same way as I do, when SHE inevitably finds out . . .

I’d say the sweetest part of this storyline was when Puck told Shelby that she was meant to be Beth’s mom, even going as far as to say that’s why Puck and Quinn got drunk and boned one another about a year a so ago, unprotected, and against their better judgment.  Well, that’s ONE way of looking at it . . .

“Come on, let me stick it in, ya!  It’s for a GOOD CAUSE!” 

Things We Never Knew About Burt Hummel . . .

“I’m a better dancer than my son-in-law . . . though, admittedly, that’s not saying much.” 

Did you know Burt Hummel has a baboon heart?

Did you know he married a donkey?  Well, now you do!  Thanks, Sue Sylvester!

I know . . . I know . . . neither are these things are true.  But I honestly think Sue Sylvester’s so-called negative advertising campaigns against State Congressional hopeful, Burt Hummel, were some of the funniest moments of this episode.  And while I’m 100% against bestiality and donkey / human marriages, I think there is entirely too much prejudice nowadays against people with animal parts . . . Just sayin’.

“Is this what having a stroke feels like?”

Brittany said the above line to compliment the mash-up / duet rival Glee club directors Will Schuester and Shelby Corcoran performed to two songs (both named “You and I”).  The performance was meant to  convince the two groups to get along with one another long enough to compete in one giant Mash Off, before they find themselves competing against one another, for real, during Sectionals.  Nevermind the fact that, as was mentioned last season, neither musical group appears to have the minimum number of participants required for a team to enter into the competition.

Well, I was definitely twitching after the song was over.  So, maybe Brittany was on to something there.  While this was definitely not my favorite musical number of the episode, I did appreciate the creativity of combining a popular Lady Gaga song with an old 80’s country song that most Glee viewers (myself included) had probably never heard before.  The lyrics of the two songs dovetailed surprisingly well with one another, and the resulting song sounded a lot better than you would think it would .  . . but not much.

That didn’t stop me from twitching though . . . maybe it’s a Schuester thing.  He bugs me sometimes, what can I say!

Sorry, Schue!  It’s true!

Santana’s got balls (and she’s not afraid to throw them)

Upcoming Mash-off competition aside, it seems the New Directions and the Troubletones weren’t satisfied having only ONE opportunity to kick eachother’s asses.  And so evolved the brilliant idea that the two groups should meet up in the gym, and pelt eachother with their balls .  . .

 . . . dodgeballs that is.

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The Mash-up of “Hit Me with Your Best Shot,” and “One Way or Another,” provided a perfect soundtrack for the surprisingly intense game.  Plus, the action shots of Gleeks playing dodgeball made for some of the best choreography we’ve seen on the show, in quite some time.  For example, did you guys know Blaine can fly?

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“Weeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Kurt likey . . . A LOT! 

Now, while Kurt might have SERIOUSLY enjoyed watching his boyfriend soar over his head, in those uber short and much-too-tight gym shorts, he definitely was NOT a fan of the Troubletones decision to mercilessly pelt Little New Guy Rory with dodgeballs, long AFTER they had already won the game.  Kurt scolded his opponents for their bad form, as he dragged a bloody Rory off the battlefield, while throwing a SERIOUS “I’m judging you” face in his former friends’ direction.

Mommy Dearest (and not so Dearest)

I have to say, I respect Rachel Berry a whole lot more, now that I know she writes her own college recommendations, so that all her “recommenders” have to do is sign them.  (For all you prospective college applicants out there, it really is the best way to go!)  Of course, there is one other big thing that Rachel did during this hour to make me respect her.  But, more on that later . . .

“While we are on the subject, MOM, I am also looking for a surrogate, to carry my baby in her belly for nine months, in exchange for $20,000.  Would you be interested?” 

Given the disappointing way in which Shelby’s Season 2 run-in with bio-daughter Rachel ended, it’s nice to see these two working toward forming a genuine relationship with one another, this Season . . .  When Rachel comes to Shelby, to get her to sign a pre-written college application, the latter surprises her bio daughter with plenty of kind words, encouragement, and the type of pride only a real mother, can show for her daughter.  She even offers to writer Rachel a college recommendation BY HERSELF.  HOORAY!

But then Shelby inadvertently makes Rachel feel like crap, by telling her daughter that, because she’s so friggin perfect, less-than-perfect people who are applying to performing arts school against her (like say . . . Kurt), don’t have a shot in hell of getting in, and, will, therefore, probably end up flipping burgers for the rest of their lives. . .

Dear Kurt, Sorry I ruined your life.  And yes, I would like fries with that.  Love, Rachel. 

Putting that aside though, it was a  Genuinely Touching Moment . . .

If looks could kill . . . 

On the other end of the parental unit relationship spectrum are Quinn and Shelby.  Shelby never exactly seemed to be Quinn’s biggest fan, anyway.  But now that she knows about the whole Baby-napping Scheme, she’s REALLY Anti-Quinn.  Eventually, a confrontation ensues, in which  Quinn calls Shelby out for “whoring out” Baby Berry, back when she was a teen (OUCH!).

And Shelby calls Quinn out for . . . um . . . well, basically, just being an incredibly sh*tty human being.  (QUADRUPLE OUCH!)

Shelby also tells Quinn that she doesn’t trust her around Baby Beth, anymore.  Sorry Quinn!  Perhaps, you should have gone with a different tactic . . . like making out with Shelby, and giving her baby pumpkins . . . Better luck, next illegitimate child!

Topless Tuesdays and Other Campaign Promises . . .

It’s campaign speech time, at McKinley High.  And just like in real government, all the candidates seem to be making promises they can’t keep.  That weird, mullet-wearing, red headed guy from the hockey team says he promises that all students will be able to boss around their teachers from now on.

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Brittany wants to protect high school students in Lima from tornadoes, and promises to go topless every Tuesday.  Way to give back to your community, Brittany!

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Rachel promises to withdraw from the race, and get everyone to vote for Kurt . . .   Wait, WHAT?  Rachel is going to give up an opportunity to be the best?  I must have walked into someone’s alternate universe Kachel fanfiction!

In all seriousness though, I think Rachel took to heart Shelby’s words about how the Type A, overachiever, ALREADY has the resume to get into the college of her dreams, while Kurt does not.  It was a super sweet, suprisingly un-Rachel like thing to do.  And Kurt was just as shocked as the rest of us . . .

As for Kurt, his campaign speech is kind of a downer.  I mean, fighting against childhood obesity, and bullying is great . . . but eliminating dodgeball?  Seriously?  Wouldn’t it be easier to just use softer balls, like Kurt’s those squishy ones that Nerf makes?  My personal opinions aside, I loved Kurt’s speech, simply because Blaine’s “Supportive Face,” while he was making said speech was SUPER hot.  And we wouldn’t have had the chance to see it, otherwise . . .

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After the speeches, Kurt and Rachel FINALLY ended their seemingly interminable election-based fight.  Not only was the reunion scene between the pair extremely touching, I’m just thrilled that these two characters will finally be able to regularly interact again.  After all, Rachel’s and Kurt’s friendship is my favorite completely platonic relationship on this show . . . heck, it might actually be the only completely platonic relationship on this show . . .

Reunited and it feels SO GOOD! 

Out and Not So Proud . . .

Oh, Santana.  As a character, I adore you to pieces . . . most of the time.  You are hilariously funny.  You constantly make fun of Finn.  You have a spectacular singing voice.  And you are one of the most complex, and consistently written, characters on this show.  But if I REALLY knew you, or, worse, attended high school with you, I’m pretty sure, I would hate your guts .  . . and keep a voodoo doll of you in my locker, to stab at, whenever I was having a particularly bad day.

Throughout the episode, we watched Santana be mercilessly evil to Finn, and his new sidekick Rory.

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It eventually got to the point where even her fellow Troubletones were begging her to stop.  But she continued, with what was probably the meanest, most underhanded,  apology ever.  And that’s when Finn snapped, outing Santana as a lesbian in front of the whole school.  Whether intentionally, or unintentionally done . . . whether provoked or unprovoked  . . . whether he thought Santana’s sexual preference was a secret or common knowledge, what Finn did was VERY, VERY wrong.  And it ended up producing some pretty serious consequences for Santana . . .

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As it turns out, one of Burt’s and Sue’s congressional opponents has a daughter who attends McKinley High, and that daughter recorded Finn’s and Santana’s conversation.  Ultimately, Santana’s secret ended up being used by this opponent in a negative campaign advertisement against Sue, in order to imply that the Cheerios coach was ALSO a lesbian.  In a surprisingly poignant moment, the usually ascerbic Sue, Burt Hummel, and Will Schuester call Santana into Sue’s office to show her the advertisement, and offer her their support.

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Santana, understandably, is inconsolate.  “This can’t be happening to me,” she cries, as she makes a mad dash down the hallway  “I haven’t even come out to my parents yet.”

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And the Winner of the Mash Off of 2011 is . . .

The Mash Off Competition takes place before Santana really has time to heal, or process the many ways in which her life is about to change.  The New Directions are up first, and SURPRISE, it’s another 80’s music mash-up.  (Way to be HIP, Mr. Schue!)  This one is a mixture of the songs “I Can’t Go For That,” and “You Make My Dreams.”  It was a fun performance, for sure.  But, for me at least, the best part about it, by far, were the ridiculous curly wigs, weird heavily shoulder padded suit jackets, and over abundance of pink all the guys wore during the musical number.  Hysterical, with a capital H!

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Oh, and did youu catch the befuddled facial expressions of all the females in the audience.  PRICELESS!  As for the women, they all vaguely resembled Pebbles Flintstone . . . though, I’m not exactly sure why . . .

See, for yourself . . .

But the winners of this competition, hands down, just like in the dodgeball competition that preceded it, were the Troubletones.

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With Santana and Mercedes at the helm, the group’s mashup of Adele’s “Rumor Has It” and “Someone Like You,” was breathtakingly beautiful, and enchantingly mesmerizing, with just a smidgeon of slit-your-wrist, depressing.

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Naya Rivera expertly portrayed, all of the angst, sadness, and inner turmoil of her character’s unfortunate outing, in every word she sang, and every expression that crossed her face.

Then, when the performance was over, and Santana leapt off the stage, to slap Finn extra hard, right across the mouth, for the inadvertent role he played in her embarrassment and discomfort, I had genuine tears in my eyes . . .

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In the next installment of Glee, if the promos are any indication, Santana will come out to her parents, and the rest of the cast will get laid.  Can I get a HELL YEAH!  You can check out the promo for “I Kissed a Girl,” here . . .

 So, tell me  . . .  what did you think of “Mash Off?”

Did you enjoy the Adele number as much as I did?  Do you agree with me that the Troubletones kicked New Direction’s ASS this week, in every way possible?  Are you shipping Shelby / Puck . . .  or do they make you want to upchuck?

 Are you pro or anti-dodgeball?  And, most importantly, Team Santana, or Team Finn?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section . . .

Annnnd . . . that’s what you missed, ON GLEE!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Adios, V-Card! – A Recap of Glee’s “The First Time”

[A Note About the TVD Recap for “Homecoming”:  It’s on its WAY!  I’m just putting some additional pictures and gifs in there.  It will most definitely be up by 6 p.m. EST.  But it will likely be up WAY earlier than that  . . . like, say, early afternoon.  Thanks for your patience!]

 

RACHEL: “Any last minute sex tips?”

BLAINE: “Don’t forget to tell him how big it is.”

RACHEL: “But what if it isn’t big?”

BLAINE: “Don’t forget to lie, and tell him how big it is.” 

This was it, my Fellow Gleeks . . . the one you’ve all been waiting for  . .  . the sexpisode.  Going into the hour, it was no secret that Glee power couples, Finchel and Klaine, were both going to pop their collective cherries, by the episode’s end.

Here, at TV Recappers, we LUUUUUUUVE Cherry Popping!  Cherry Popping is fun! 

Given all we knew about the episode before it aired, one might have expected “The First Time” to be somewhat of a let down.  Fortunately, the hour contained more than enough surprises, colorful musical numbers, and well-acted scenes to maintain the interest of even the most skeptical of fans . . .

Did I mention that Beiste got herself a boyfriend . . . or that Karofsky showed up, looking like one of the Village People?

So, enough with the teasing and foreplay.  Let’s all get laid, shall we?

Artie Abrams – Sexpert?

“I know it looks like we are judging you but . . . yeah . . . we’re actually judging you.” 

The episode begins with our favorite wheelchair user, basking in the “triumph” that comes from directing a school play.  Artie, apparently, just  LOVES bossing people around . .  . not just in the context of the play, but in all aspects of their lives.  In fact, an alternate title for this episode could have easily been :”Artie Knows Best” . . . or, perhaps, more accurately, “Artie Knows Sex.”  Wouldn’t you agree?

Artie’s first targets for “self-improvement” are Rachel and Blaine.  Upon hearing the pair sing their rendition of West Side Story, Artie decides that “something is missing” in their performance.  What on Earth could it be!  Oh, that’s right . . . they are NOT BONING  . . . not eachother . . . and not anyone else either.  Rachel and Blaine are totally and completely . . . BONE-LESS.

Dear Diary,

Apparently, my inability to get laid has made me a sub-par actress.  I am sad.

Love,

The Virgin Rachel 

Without a second thought toward sparing their feelings, Artie abruptly tells the plays two leads that they are lacking romantic chemistry on stage, because they are both virgins.  Of course, Artie!  Rachel’s and Blaine’s respective virginal statuses MUST be the reason they don’t look like they want to rip one another’s clothes off, onstage.  Surely, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that each of the members of this faux-couple, actually  . . .

I’m kidding, of course.  There are plenty of gay actors, who can conceivably “play straight.”  But I find it interesting that the characters’ respective virginal statuses were what Artie honed in on, as opposed to, an issue that would seem much more OBVIOUS.

Anywhoo . . .  the minute Artie brings up the topic of sex, his co-directors, Beiste and Emma LITERALLY run screaming from the room.  I hate to break it to you kids, but you just made your sex status WAY more obvious than you would have, had you just . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . sat there quietly with your mouths shut.

“Oops.”

To their credit, fellow virgins Rachel and Blaine keep surprisingly cool, by comparison as Artie awkwardly describes in cringe-inducingly specific detail that one time he f*&ked Brittany,and she repeatedly called him by someone else’s name probably Santana’s.  (Ah! Memories!)

Though both Rachel and Blaine initially tell Artie that they are waiting until the “right time” to cash in their Platinum V Cards, almost immediately after rehearsal, the two go off in search of their significant others, with SEX on the brain . . .

Having successfully accomplished the mission of ensuring that both Rachel / Finn’s and Blaine/Kurt’s first born will be named, “Artie,” the Little Screw-maker that Could then sets his sights on getting Coach Beiste laid as well . . .  (More on that later.)

“This is what I like to call my ‘Come Hither Stare.'” 

After that, Artie kind of drops off the radar, until the end of the episode, where he gives a fairly heartfelt speech on how directing the play, has made him feel special and self-sufficient for the first time ever.  Awww .  . . nice one, Artie . . . Give a speech like that, and you’ll be sure to get laid after the show too! 😉  (Or, you know, you could just be “self-sufficient” and .  . . ummm  . . . give yourself a hand?  Hint, Hint, Wink, Wink)

Speaking of self-sufficiency .  . .

Mike’s Dad – Douchebag?

“Hey Mike! I’ve decided to come back to high school, join the Glee club, and hit on your girlfriend.  HOORAY!” 

So, Mike’s dad is supposed to be some big fancy doctor, right?  Is that why he spends so much time at McKinley High, hanging out by his son’s locker, like a total creeper?  I mean, honestly, you would think a guy like that would have better things to do  . . . like his wife! (Pun intended.)

That said, I cheered for Mike for not caving to his father, when the latter — upon learning that Mike refused to give up his dream to become a professional dancer — threatened to disown him, if he didn’t abandon all dancing dreams.

“Well, than I guess I don’t have a dad, anymore,” Mike said fiercely, as his dad stalked off.

Well, Mike might not have a dad, anymore.  But he definitely has a mother.  And she was absolutely blown away, by her son’s portrayal of Riff from West Side Story, while she sat and cheered him on from the audience.  I was blown away too .  . . but I actually kind of wish we got to see a bit more from that portrayal .  . . like say, the epic death scene?

“But I’m too good of a dancer to die!” 

In addition to having a supportive Mom, Mike also has a super sweet girlfriend, who positively LOVED giving him her virginity . . . But, more on that later too . . .

“Who’s got two hands and a fabulous sex life?  THIS GIRL!” 

Meanwhile, in Beisteland . . .

Coach Beiste – Closet Romantic?

Poor sweet, cherry un-popped Beiste!  You know what’s funny?  I was initially shocked to find out she was still a virgin.  And then I remembered, that up until about a half a season ago, she had never even BEEN KISSED!  So, I don’t know why I was surprised . . .

“Would you please stop licking my ear.  I wanted a kiss, not an ear wax removal kit.” 

Lack of experience aside, Beiste, definitely has a soft side.  And, this week, that soft side was SERIOUSLY crushing on the OSU recruiter, who’d been hanging around McKinley High.  When Screw-maker Artie hears about this, he vows to help his teacher and mentor nip this little cherry-popping problem in the bud, ASAP.  (That Artie . . . he’s a busy little f*&ker, isn’t he?)

When Artie confronts the recruiter (who’s name is Cooter, which was probably the most controversial thing about this not-all-that-controversial episode), he gets some very shocking, but also oddly fortuitous, news.  As it turns out, Cooter Recruiter wants a little Beiste in him, just as much as Beiste wants a Little Cooter in HER (OK, that just sounds wrong, on so many levels)!  In fact, he’s been trying to ask her out for weeks!  (Really, how long has Cooter been hanging out at McKinley?  Doesn’t he have other schools to go to?)  Unfortunately . . . wait for it . . . SHE keeps turning HIM down?!

I guess for a woman who has only been kissed (by SCHUESTER, of all people), and who is highly insecure about her appearance, the art of flirting subtlety is completely lost on her.  Fortunately, Artie convinces Big Cooter (See? Never gets old.) to ask out the Beiste again . . . only this time, he tells the Old Coot to be REALLY, REALLY obvious about it . . . and show her what’s in his heart . . .

“Beiste . . . I give you my heart.”

First, Cooter finds Beiste in the weight room (where she is probably bench pressing HIS weight) and gives her flowers.  It doesn’t get much more obvious than that, folks.  But still Beiste is completely oblivious, wondering if the bouquet is for a funeral of some sort.  OUCH!  Yeah . . . if you don’t hurry up and grab your Cooter fast Beiste, there will be a funeral, all right . . . a funeral for the functionality of your lady parts :).

“Herein lies Coach Beiste’s ability to have children . . .” 

Fortunately, for Beiste, Cooter then takes his cue from Artie, and asks Beiste out in the most blatantly obvious way possible . . . by actually using the word “date,” in the question . . . something pretty much no body does anymore.  Way to keep it Old School, Cooter!  Upon hearing this inquiry Beiste begins . . . CRYING?!

Huh?

At first, she’s crying out of sadness, because she thinks it’s a joke . . . which is just so super depressing.  I can’t even talk about it, without getting weepy (well, not really, but . . . you know).  It’s upsetting.

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But then he tells her how beautiful and womanly he thinks she is, and those tears of sadness, turn into tears of joy, HOORAY!  I honestly, thought it would be REALLY fitting if Beiste and her Cooter went on their first date to Breadsticks, especially considering how much she loves those Never-Ending Pasta Bowls.  But, instead she went to . . . the school play . . . which is really super lame, when you think about it.  But, it’s a start  . . .

“Psst . . . this play sucks.  What do you say we sneak out, go  back to my place, and watch the food channel?”

Since we are on the subject of false starts . . .

Things Not to Say When You Are Trying to Get Laid Part 1 – “Let’s Get this Over With”

Someone’s got egg on her face! 

So, I mentioned that Rachel wanted to get a little NC-17 action with Finn, prior to opening night, right?  Fortunately, it just so happens that Finn’s ENTIRE family is supposed to be out of the house that evening.  So, there will be absolutely no chance for awkward interruptions.  Rachel pops over to Finn’s house.  And, wanting the night to be perfect, he prepares her some choice meat for dinner.  This would be great, except . . . well, Rachel’s a VEGAN.

So, much for good eats, Rachel and Finn head right down to the floor in the living room to get down to the business of humping.  But then Finn has to f*&k everything up by asking Rachel WHY she wants to sleep with him now?!

DOH!

Finn .  . . you are horny high school boy.  When you get the green light, you GO.  Don’t ask questions!  Don’t hesitate!   Just take of your pants, and DO IT!   OR ELSE . . .

But I guess this was Finn’s week to be a good boy (He alternates from week to week, you know!), so he needed to know Rachel’s love was true, before he could . . . um . . . poke her with HIS love.

“I feel so violated and used.” 

And, of course, this would have been fine, if Rachel didn’t feel the need to be ridiculously honest about her reason for having sex with Finn.  “I just want to get this over with [before the show, tomorrow night].”

OH RACHEL!  You might as well, have stuck a pin in his weiner . . .

You are an actress.  Why couldn’t you just ACT like you had a better reason for doing this, than you actually did.  Have you no brain heart?

Long story short, Finn’s and Rachel’s first foray at sex, ends with both of them striking out.  Finn doesn’t want any part of Rachel’s cooter tonight, especially after what she said.  Apparently, Rachel’s V-card is American Express V-card.  It’s not accepted everywhere.

And so the two condoms Rachel and Finn each brought for the occasion, remain unwrapped, for at least, one more night . . .

A rubber is a terrible thing to waste . . . 

The next day at school, a cowed Rachel, asks her gal pals their opinion on whether she should have sex with Finn.  Santana and Brittany vote “no.”  Because Brittany’s first time was apparently an alien invasion of some sort.  And Santana thinks Finn is terrible in bed.

Is it just me?  Or does this look like one of those KY jelly commercials? 

The writers intercut this fairly humorous conversation with Santana and Rachel singing a duet to “A Boy Like That,” which, is more or less, Rachel’s way of saying, she hopes Finn was just bad in bed, because he was with Santana, and not because he lacks screwing skills . . .

“Gee Rachel, why don’t you tell me how you REALLY feel . .  .”

Now, I know the song is a classic from West Side Story,  but, honestly, I think it’s lyrics are a little mean.  Because, seriously, if a guy broke your heart, and you were trying to warn your friend about him, would you really want to hear that friend say to you, “He won’t break MY heart, because he loves ME, and doesn’t love you.”

Talk about kicking a girl, while she’s down . . . Way to be insensitive, Maria from West Side Story . . .

But lest you think everyone on this show is all anti-sex, Tina, of all people, had a fabulous little story about how awesome sex with Mike Chang was because he is very flexible and has great abs she loves him so very much.  In other words, Mike Chang is the PIMP DADDY of this show . . . second to “I don’t use condoms, and thought I would be the one to take Rachel’s virginity” Puck, of course . . .

Though neither Rachel nor Blaine end up cashing in their V-cards, prior to Opening Night of West Side Story, both decide this is OK, because they both know what love is, and can tap into THAT, while playing their respective rolls.  This seems to work OK . . . I guess . . . at least judging by the musical numbers we got to see from the actual show.

Still, my favorite number of the entire episode was “America,” which, oddly enough featured the entire young Glee cast, EXCEPT Rachel and Blaine.  Most notably, it featured Puck and Santana rocking some AWESOME Puerto Rican accents!

But back to Rachel and Finn  . . . Rachel returns to Finn’s house after the play, to apologize for .  . . you know, deflating his weiner, with her “let’s get it over with, so that Maria from West Side Story doesn’t have to be a virgin,” comment.  However, as it turns out, Rachel’s remark isn’t all that’s making Finn feel crappy, he was also passed over by COOTER (awww man!  That name strikes again) for a scholarship to OSU.

“Damn that COOTER!” 

Now, Cooter may have been SUPER nice to Beiste, earlier on in the episode, but he DEFINITELY had his sensitivity chip on the off-switch, when he told Finn that his football career had peaked.  OUCH!  Finn thinks his dreams are dead, because he’s not a good enough football player or performer to get into the colleges of his choice.  Rachel sweetly comforts him, telling him that his dreams are NOT dead, he just “grew out of them.”  (Remind me to use that one on myself, the next time I fail at something . . . I didn’t fail.  I just “grew out of” being successful.  It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?)

After promising Finn that she will help him find some new dreams, Rachel proceeds to make Finn’s dreams come true, by giving him a special gift that NO ONE ELSE is ever going to get.  You guessed it.  It’s time to chop up that V-card, for real this time.

“Who’s two left feet, and is currently having his brains banged out?  THIS GUY!” 

But this time, Rachel is doing it because she LOOOOOOOVES Finn, and his future new dreams . . .

Source

Things Not to Say When You Are Trying to Get Laid Part 2 – “Hey!  I’ve got an idea!  How about I grope you in the backseat of this car?”

Blaine is be-bopping around Kurt’s room, while the latter wonders out loud, why they aren’t screwing yet.  The pair joke adorably about the fact that Kurt wears too many layers of clothing for easy access . . .

Not to mention, too many ridiculous hats. . .

Later, Blaine heads back to Dalton to invite his old classmates to the play.  Once there, he confirms that things haven’t changed all that much, since he was gone.  The group still sing pop songs accapella style, while dancing around like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Their “Uptown Girl”number (complete with a token female teacher / sexy librarian type as the titular “uptown gir”l) proves as much.  Though I must admit, seeing a Warblers number without Blaine as their lead singer is like watching a vampire show, without hot people in it . . . it just doesn’t make any sense . . .

By the way, I love how the fancy schmancy private school boys are singing a song about how “simple and poor” they are . . .  It’s very cute.

That said, there has been one major change to the Glee club since Blaine left.  His name is Sebastian . . . you know . . . like the lobster from The Little Mermaid.

Sebastian wastes no time, eye sexing up Blaine, and telling him that he is “sex on a stick, and sings like a dream” .  . . despite having never heard him sing . . . ever.  Blaine is clearly super flattered by all the hardcore flirting, and talks up Sebastian for way longer than he should, considering he has a boyfriend.

“The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else’s pants.” 

The flirting continues at the local coffee shop, where Sebastian douchily (is that a verb?) brags to Blaine about how worldly he is, because he’s been to GAY PARIIII!  But before the lobster can turn this into a discussion about French Kissing, Kurt swoops in to put a territorial arm around Blaine’s shoulder, and, more or less, tell this Creepy Crustacean, in no uncertain terms, “The Boy is Mine.”

Likely, because he wants to show Blaine how “spontaneous” he is, Kurt, shocks Blaine by accepting on both of their behalfs, Sebastian’s offer that the two meet him at a gay bar.

“You’ve just gotta love a man in a bolo tie . . .” 

Armed with fake ideas, Designated Driver Kurt, and Secret Lush, Blaine, head to the bar called “Scandals.”  After a single beer, Lightweight Blaine is totally wasted, and inappropriately grinding with Sebastian.  Meanwhile a super pouty Kurt (so much for that skin sloughing regimen), is sitting by the bar, crying into his Shirley Temple.

“You better watch out for your boyfriend,” remarks a familiar voice.  It’s Dave “the Bear Cub”Karofsky, of all people.  Apparently, Dave is at a new school now.  And though, he is decidedly still in the closet, there, at least here, he can feel right at home and accepted by the patrons of Scandals . . . even if it is Tranny Night . . .

Outside in the parking lot, a drunk and horny Blaine pulls Kurt into the back seat of the car, and starts aggressively humping him.  Given that Blaine spent the whole night, rubbing up on Sebastian, Kurt is TOTALLY not cool with his first time taking place in the car lot of a gay club, accented by the intermingled smells of car air freshener, leather seats, Blaine’s one beer, and, of course, Red Lobster Sebastian’s overpowering cologne.  So, he pushes Blaine off of him angrily, and does not mince words, in telling him how he feels about this failed act of seduction.

Embarrassed and annoyed, Blaine stalks home.  But, after the show, the pair make up, confess their undying devotion to one another . . .

Source

 . . . and, you know . . . do it.  . .

“Well, HALLELUJAH!” 

Musicals Make Everything Better (even . . . well . . .  you know ;))

Source

As far as sex scenes go, Kurt’s and Blaine’s and Finn’s and Rachel’s, which were edited together, and intermingled with Blaine’s and Rachel’s West Side Story number, “One Hand, One Heart,” were incredibly sweet, but also ridiculously tame.  Almost NO skin was shown (Blaine and Kurt, were FULLY dressed in fact . . . and I bet you can guess which part of that statement really perturbs me!)

Source

KURT: “Come on, Blaine!  Take off your shirt!”

BLAINE: “NO!”

KURT: “Why?”

BLAINE: “Because Fox won’t let me.”

KURT: “What a bunch of douchebags . . .”

But hey, it’s Fox . . . not HBO .  . . and not even the CW.  So, what do you expect?  And besides, it wasn’t really about the sex, was it?  It was about the love . . .

I’m lying, of course it was about the SEX! 😉  It’s ALWAYS about sex.  But I’m happy for our little couples, anyway . . .

And that was “The First Time,” in a nutshell.  So, what did you think?  Are you Finchel and Klaine fans, or are you already getting sick of the show’s emphasis on these two SHIPS?  Do you see Sebastian as a genuine threat to the Klaine union?  How about Karofsky?  Did you like the West Side Story Numbers?  Are you glad Beiste is FINALLY getting some?  And, perhaps most importantly, are you as mad as I was that we didn’t get to see Darren Criss with his shirt off?

“In case you’re wondering, that’s Kurt’s underwear I’m wearing on my head . . .”

Feel free to sound off on some or all of these questions in the comments section below . . .

Oh, and check out the promo for next week’s episode, “Mash Up,” which, from the looks of it, features, not one, but TWO Adele songs (“Rumor has It” and “Someone Like You”) and a rollicking game of .  . . dodgeball?

See ya then, my fellow Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Would you like some wine with your cheesy? – A Recap of Glee’s Mid-Season Finale “A Very Glee Christmas”

“Is that an elf in your pants, Santa, or are you just happy to see me?”

Ahhhhh, Christmas.  It’s a holiday seeped in tradtion: the presents, the mistletoe, the egg nog, those ugly Christmas sweaters, the Yule Log, those ridiculous old made-for-tv movies on Lifetime and ABC Family . . .

It’s enough to nauseate warm even the coldest of hearts . . .

This week’s pre-hiatus Glee episode was all about the Holiday of Giving.  And it offered up enough Christmas Cheer and Yueltide Cheese to keep you in Sugar Shock, well past New Year’s (which I guess — considering that new episodes of Glee won’t air until February 2011 — is a good thing). 

Poor Will!  Based on the way things ended for him this episode, it doesn’t look like he’s going to be getting LAID, until after the Superbowl, either . . .

Let’s recap, shall we?

Secret Santas Got a Brand New Bag

When the episode opens, Emma — who has experienced some major coldness from the MAN WHO IS NOT-SO-SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH HER, ever since she announced to him that she ran off with Jesse from Full House Dr. Carl Howell for a Plot Device Vegas Wedding  — invites Will to a Christmas party at the Tanner Household La Casa de Carl.

“Have MERCY!”

Understandably, Will looks like he would rather stab an ice pick through his heart, than spend Christmas watching Emma and Carl PDA and “Santa Baby” on the “Most Wonderful Night of the Year.”  (Can you blame him?)

Fortunately, Will’s Sulkfest 2010 is interrupted by a Beiste Bearing Gifts . . . well actually . . . more like a Beiste bearing names, as the faculty at McKinley High plans to exchange Secret Santa gifts this year.  Will gets THIS NAME . . .

 . . . which makes him do this .  . . again.

We later learn that Sue Sylvester has actually rigged the Secret Santa so that EVERYONE pulls her name.  In the words of Stephanie Tanner from Full House,  HOW RUUUUUUUUDE!

Meanwhile .  . .

I Saw Someone Still Believing in Santa Claus . . .

When Artie learns that his “Very Special” girlfriend, Brittany, still believes in Santa Claus, he becomes determined to preserve the Magic of Christmas for her.  But he ultimately ends up shooting himself in the foot (wow that was inappropriate on SO many levels), when he takes Brittany to Santa Land at the mall.

While the rest of the Glee kids ask “Santa” for reasonable things like “bling” (Santana), “Puck’s Love” ( me Lauren Zizes), or for Channing Tatum to star in less stuff (Mike) . . .

(I think its an “abs” thing.  Some guys just don’t know how to handle a little competition . . .)

(Coincidentally, you can catch Channing Tatum in the upcoming film The Dilemma, starting January 14, 2011.)

 . . . Brittany asks for Artie to be able to walk, which reminded me of the time when he DANCED . . .

But, seeing how that was just a dream sequence . . . yeah . . . Artie is kind of screwed.

Would you rather be slusheed, or hit in the head with a designer shoe?

While Brittany has no trouble keeping herself in the Christmas spirit, the rest of the Glee kids are feeling a bit more Scroogey.  After all, they are STILL getting slusheed in the hallways (though now the slushees are in festive Christmas colors!).  And, when they try to sing “Need a Little Christmas” to classes around the school, in order to collect money for a charitable holiday class trip . . .

 . . . they get heckled and hit in the head with Christmas boots.  Bah Humbug!  Decorating the Glee choir room and singing “Welcome Christmas” does little to lift the kids spirits.  Although THIS helps some . . .

Speaking of sporting a little Christmas Wood . . .

Blaine and Kurt heat things up, while singing about the cold . . .

In my absolute favorite performance of the evening (even though plotwise, it didn’t really fit in with the rest of the episode, AT ALL), Blaine finds Kurt studying alone in the lounge at Dalton Academy, and asks him for a sexual favor.  You see, Blaine was selected to sing “Baby it’s Cold Outside” at some random Christmas pageant, and simply can’t play with himself practice alone. 

And so, the duo launch into a modern take on the classic song.  The result is fun and adorable enough to warm the cockles of even my cold, cold heart.   Those of you who haven’t seen it yet, can enjoy it here:

After the solo, Will randomly shows up at Dalton Academy — a school that not only has a “No Tolerance for Violence” policy, but, apparently, also has NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER.  You would think that the Spanish-teacher-who-hasn’t-spoken-a-lick-of-Espanol-since-the-pilot-episode was there to wish Kurt a Merry Christmas, or give him advice of some sort.  But NOOOOOOO . . . this visit was all about Will, and his problems!  (What else is new?)

You said it, Sista!

Here’s Kurt, suffering the slings and arrows of unrequited luuuuuuuuuve, and all Will wants to do is bitch about how can’t figure out what to get Sue for her Secret Santa gift.  Selfish much?

OOPS!

Will’s only gift ideas so far have been a Robot Dog and a Soul.  Now, I don’t know about that whole “Soul” thing, but a Robot Dog would be an AWESOME Christmas present . . . (hint, hint Mom .  . . if you are reading this)

(My cat would never be without a companion!)

Kurt suggests a fur-lined tracksuit, instead . . . and I, for one, am hoping he meant faux-fur . . .  At least, with the Robo Dog, you can be sure that no living creatures were harmed in its making . . .

Though some might beg to differ with that assessment . . .

You’re a Mean One, Sue the Grinch

Coincidentally, this is exactly what I look like, after eating bad cafeteria food . . .

On Secret Santa exchange day, Emma and the rest of the teachers quickly discover that Sue rigged the Name Pot (Name Jar?), in order to get all the presents for herself . . .

“You a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless,” Sue says of Emma, when the latter reveals Sue’s devious plan to the rest of the faculty.

The teachers stomp off in a collective huff, as Sue, along with her new minion, Becky, sort through all her new Christmas gifts with sadistic glee . . .

Not surprisingly, about six different people got her The Shake Weight . . .

Teachers and Late Night Infomercials — It’s a Match Made in Heaven (plus tax)

Eventually, Will returns to take all Sue’s gifts back.  He claims she has no legal right to them (which, I guess is true, but, then again, neither does he).  Will plans to take the undeserved gifts to the underprivileged children in a nearby district.  Though honestly, I’m not sure what a bunch of kids would do with an adult fur-lined track suit, a blender, and six shake weights . . .)

Sue, of course, is APPALLED . . .

“I’m appalled.”

And so, she decides to get revenge, by inexplicably painting her face Grinch Green (riiiiight, because no one will recognize her NOW!), and heading to the choir room — along with her trusty Reindog Becky — to steal back the gifts, and ruin Christmas for Will and the Glee kids . . .

While Sue and Becky snatched presents, smashed ornaments, tore tinsel, slashed mistle toe, and cut down the Glee tree, a voice in the background eerily broke into a rendition of Sue the Grinch.  I later learned that voice belonged — not to anyone in the Glee cast — but, instead, to K.D. Lang .  . .

Ummmm  . . . yeah . . . because that’s not random at all.

At the end of the song, Brittany arrives, decked out in her best Cindy Lou Who attire . . .

(By the way Gossip Girl fans, I bet you will never guess who played Cindy Lou Who in the movie version of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas . . .  I’ll give you a hint, her name starts with a Raccoon and ends with a Zombie.)

Meet Cindy Lou Who, also known as Little J / Taylor Momsen.  Poor Dr. Seuss must be rolling over in his grave right about now . . .

Anywho . . . Brittany mistakes Sue for Santa (Other things Brittany mistakes for Santa: tomatos, bananas, Stop Signs, Soap Scum on her shower.).  Not seeming the least concerned that Santa is “green” and “ruining Christmas,” Brittany joyfully admits to the Grinch herself, that the presents under the tree are for the homeless.  Brittany’s innocence and sheer honesty, in the face of such evil, makes Sue turn a little green . . .

. . . but it doesn’t make her feel bad enough to clean up her mess . . .

The next day, the Glee kids enter the choir room to find THIS . . .

Determined to save Christmas for his fellow Gleeks (it is his favorite holiday, after all), Finn offers to go pick out another tree for the choir room.  And Rachel (seeking entrance back into The Finn Hudson Pantalones) offers to come along for the ride.  After all, her first bid to win back Finn’s heart — which involved, you guessed it, her SINGING (lamest . . . Christmas gift . . . ever . . . Cheapskate) — failed miserably.  So, she really had nothing to lose!

“Merry Christmas, Darling.  Please enjoy the Gift of My Voice to make up for the fact that you are no longer entitled to the Gift of My Virginity . . .”

At the Christmas Tree Farm, Finn and Rachel sing a duet of the song Last Christmas . . .

When the song is over, Rachel, who has rubbed herself in car air freshener, for the occasion . . .

The best little roll-on perfume $2.50 can buy!

 . . . makes her second play of the hour for Finn’s fickle heart.  “Last year for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you even though I am Jewish, and don’t celebrate Christmas and he did!  It’s time for you to forgive me,” she said matter-of-factly, offering him a big wet and slobbery tongue kiss, as proof of the veracity of her statement.

But Finn, who is a self-righteous asshat (WOW!  I can’t believe I am actually taking Rachel’s side on this one), runs away like the whiny b*tch he is.   In doing so, the bastard completely forgets about his lofty plans to “Save Christmas,” and leaves Rachel to smell like the inside of a car, all by her lonesome . . .  (Then again, maybe smelling Pine Fresh, will make it easier for Rachel to hitch a ride home with a Lonely Trucker or Hairy Mountain Man.)

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day, you gave me a fart . . .”

Meanwhile, back in the Better Plotline . . .

Brittany, Meet Santa Claus . . .

The Glee kids beg the increasingly adorable Shannon Beiste to be “Santa” at Brittany’s house, because she “has the right body type.”  (Yeah . . . because THAT’S not insulting at all!)  Artie hopes that “Santa” can kindly break the news to Brittany that “he” will not be able to get Brittany her requested gift of A Walking Artie . . .

That night, Brittany is thrilled to see Santa Beiste doing a “Christmas Dry Run,” right in her own living room!

However, her face falls, when “Santa” explains to her that she must instead give Brittany the gift of patience, instead of what she asked for, as “fixing Artie’s legs” is not a present that can be delivered overnight.  To support her position, Beiste tells Brittany the story of a husky young girl who wished that Santa would make her look like all the other girls for Christmas.  But, instead, Santa gave her the gift of “patience,” allowing her the time to eventually realize that she didn’t really WANT to look like all the other girls after all!

Gee, I wonder who that “Little Girl” could be?

“Was it Ricki Lake?”  Brittany asks.

(You’ve gotta love when the writers of this show have the Glee kids making totally age inappropriate pop culture references.)

Though Brittany feigns a polite perkiness with Santa Beiste, the next day, Artie finds his girlfriend at her locker, looking completely crestfallen.  “I used to believe that Santa could do anything. If Santa isn’t magical, I don’t even know if I want to believe anymore,” she mutters.

In a move that makes me LOVE this couple even more than I did last week (Sorry Team Artina, I am 100% Team Bartie now!), Artie rushes Brittany home, to help her cope with her newfound crisis of faith.  Once there, however, Brittany finds a very special gift under her tree . . .

It’s called a Re-Walk, and its experimental technology allows people, heretofore bound to wheelchairs, temporary use of their limbs.  (Believe it or not, Re-Walk technology is very real.  You can read more about it here.)  Artie brought his Re-Walk back to school, to share it with the rest of the Gleeks.  Seeing her Christmas wish come true literally brought tears of joy to Brittany’s usually vacant eyes . . .

And, all cheese aside, if this Glee moment didn’t melt your heart, just the slightest bit, you are simply not human . . .

No offense!

Speaking of melted hearts . . .

How Sue Saved Christmas . . .

Desperate times call for Desperate Measures, and when Will finds the Glee kids, going all Gift of the Magi on themselves, to raise money for their trip to see the underprivileged kids, he is impressed and disturbed at the same time.  (The boys gave up their watches, while the girls were prepared to chop off their hair.  Umm . . .  does that sound like an unfair trade off to anyone else?) 

Fortunately, Will has a money-making idea that will allow the girls to keep their luscious locks, and the boys to still always know when its time for sex lunch.

In the next scene, the Glee kids sing in front of a group, for the second time this hour.  This time. however, the audience is made up of teachers.  So, the kids won’t have to worry about getting shoes thrown at them again . . .

Well . . . maybe they have to worry a little bit.

The song the kids sang, as their coffers filled with faculty donations, was “Welcome Christmas,” a song with which, I’ll admit, I was completely unfamiliar, before this episode.   And yet, one line of the song really stood out for me:  “Christmas time it will always be, just as long as we have Glee Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. on Fox”  Now how’s THAT for product placement?

Conveniently, at the last moment, Sue walks in on the “caroling,” and immediately vomits is touched with the Christmas spirit.   By the time the kids return to the choir room, all the Shake Weights are back under the tree, and everything is as it should be.

But wait!  There’s MORE!  Sue also convinces the Glee kids to go to WILL’S house, so that he doesn’t have to spend Christmas alone.  (What’s the matter Glee kids?  Do none of you have parents?)  Will is touched by the gesture, and shocked that it was Sue who orchestrated it.  “I thought you hated the holidays,” says Will incredulously.

“No, I just hate you,” Sue replies.

Did I mention that Sue bought Will a Christmas gift too?

It’s a razor!  So, Will can shave his HEAD!  Get it?  Well . . . I guess some things never change.  (And yet . . . now that Sue mentions it, Will would look kind of hot with a crew cut . . . kind of like Channing Tatum . . .)

Sorry Mike!

The last moments of this very Yuletidey mid-season finale feature the Glee kids celebrating Christmas together at Will’s house . . .

It’s a schmaltzy, but sweet, end, to a schmaltzy, but sweet, Glee episode.  Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  So, Merry Gleestmas to all, and to all a Good Night! 

(Oh, and see you next year, my fellow Gleekys!)

[www.juliekushner.com]

Can’t We All Just Get Along? – A Recap of Glee’s “Special Education”

Last year’s Sectionals brought our Glee kids together, in a really big way, by forcing them to pull an ENTIRE set list out of their collective butts, in the last few seconds before showtime.  (If you recall, during that episode, New Directions’ original set list had been stolen by both of their competitors, thanks to one, very naughty, Sue Sylvester.)  This year, however, that same competition seemed to drive a wedge between our Glee kids, the likes of which we haven’t seen before . . .

It seemed as though Kurt’s absence from McKinley High and the Glee club had cast a dark pall over all of our characters, as well as over the episode, in general.  It was enough to make me wish that SOMEONE would stick a “warbler” up Karofsky’s ASS, so Kurt could come back to New Directions where he BELONGS, and things could go back to normal again . . .

To save Glee, this brave warbler is willing to BOLDLY go where no bird has gone before . . .

Pucker up those cheeks, Karofsky . . . and not the ones you used to kiss Kurt, either!

And yet, amidst all that darkness were some seriously sweet scenes between new couples (Artie and Brittany / Sam and Quinn), best frenemies (Kurt and Rachel), and prospective future couples (?) (Blurt and Puckleberry).  Let’s recap, shall we?

“I feel like punching you, everytime you open your mouth.”

Woah, Quinn!  Why don’t you tell us how you REALLY feel?

When Emma nervously suggested to Mr. Schuester, during the episode’s opening, that he too often relied on Finn, Rachel and Mercedes during New Directions’ public performances, at the expense of the rest of the Glee club, even the biggest Finchel fans out there had to admit the woman had a point.  Lately, the Rachel/Finn Opening Ballad, and Mercedes Song-Ending Beltfest have become almost as common in Glee episodes as mash-ups, show-tunes, and Journey songs . . .

Here they go again . . . and again . . . and again . . .

However, when Will announced to the club that the solos typically performed by Finn, Rachel, and Mercedes would go to Sam, Quinn, and Santana, during this year’s Sectionals (with a little Mike and Brittany dance number thrown in for good measure), Finn whined like a little b*tch, and Rachel carried on, as though she had just been stabbed by her best friends in front of the Capitol Building, a la Julius Caesar . . .

*insert tragic Death Music here*

Rachel’s Lament seriously offends those Glee kids who actually HAVE been given solos, for once.  And yet, no one is MORE offended than Santana, who chooses this precise moment to drop the bomb on Rachel regarding her illicit lovefest with Finn, during Season 1.   “But we were ON A BREAK!”  You can almost hear Finn argue in his head, though, at the time, he actually says very little in his own defense.

For what it’s worth, Finn.  Ross Geller from Friends feels your pain.

Later, at “couples counseling,” Emma (riiiiiiight, because, clearly, Emma is a Relationship Expert) suggests Finn and Rachel sing Eagles songs to one another to work out their problems.  However, Rachel would much prefer slapping Finn in the face.  (What’s with all the violence this week, Glee ladies  Make LOVE, not WAR!)  And so, Emma suggests that Rachel “storm out” instead, thereby accomplishing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

“I never advocate Face Slapping amongst students.  Faces, especially Teenage Boy faces, tend to be extremely germy and capable of spreading pestilence.  Just thinking about it makes me want to wash my hands 35 times.”

“Just Be Yourself” (Unless “yourself” is at all different from the rest of us, in which case . . . DON’T)

If Kurt had sent a “canary” in before him, to test the environment at Dalton Academy, that sweet little yellow song bird would have suffocated, moments after breathing the same air as those stuffy Warblers . . .  Last week, like Kurt, most of us assumed that the reason there is NO bullying at Dalton, is because of its “general atmosphere of acceptance,” and its “No Tolerance” policy for any form of violence.  This week, however, we learned that the actual reason Dalton is Bully Free, is that being a “Bully” requires a level of individuality and personality (albeit a BAD personality), which the stuffy Dalton-ites simply don’t possess.

“This place sucks ASS!  Once I get Blaine to swipe my V-card, I am SO out of here!”

Although the Dalton Academy Warblers initially seem to welcome new student, Kurt, into their ranks with open arms, when the teen has the GALL to offer some of his ideas for a Sectionals song list, the boys all start looking at him, as though he murdered all their family members, and ate them, one by one. 

So, when Kurt is given the opportunity to audition for a solo, he recognizes immediately, that he is going to need a lot of help, if he wants a shot at getting the part.  And so, he turns to the World’s Most Unlikely Ally EVER!

Though initially reluctant to help out her “competition,” Rachel ultimately relents, providing Kurt with what seems like the perfect song for him to use during the audition:  namely, “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” from the musical, Evita.  At the audition, Kurt really seems to knock the song out of the park — though a concerned Blaine, continually motions for him to stop waving his arms, and using dramatic gestures, while he sings. 

When Kurt loses the part, Blaine accuses him of “trying too hard.”  Apparently, at Dalton Academy, when you want to “fit in,” you also have to “blend in.”  And, as we know, “blending” is not exactly Kurt’s strong suit . . .

One Magic Comb to Rule them All

Thanks, Gleeky Tumblr!

I’ll be the first to admit that I was TOTALLY skeptical of the idea of a Brittany / Artie coupling, when the idea was first introduced a few episodes back.  I thought to myself, “How could these two POSSIBLY have any chemistry, with one another?” 

BOY, WAS I WRONG!   This week, Artie and Brittany may have even surpassed Quinn and Puck, as my favorite Glee couple . . .

Don’t worry, Puckster!  I still love YOU the most!

It all started when Artie found a terrified Brittany in the lounge, completely freaking out over her Sectionals dancing solo, with Mike Chang.  Though confident in her dancing abilities, Brittany worries about having the entire team’s hopes and dreams about winning Sectionals resting on her small shoulders.  Fortunately, Artie has an idea . . .

He tells Brittany that he owns a Magic Comb, and that, if she brushes her hair with it, they are GUARANTEED to win Sectionals.  “You are the best boyfriend ever,” says a very excited Brittany, before treating Artie to a chaste hug and lip smooch.

But then Mike and Brittany start spending a heck of a lot of time together, practicing their dance for Sectionals.  A jealous Tina begins planting doubts in Artie’s head, arguing that Mike has a thing for cheerleaders, and has started to smell like Lipsmackers (which, apparently, Brittany wears and Tina would know this, because she makes out with Brittany all the time)  Therefore, Mike and Brittany MUST be screwing . . .

Artie tries to deny to himself that his new girlfriend would ever cheat on him.  But when Brittany starts acting really coldly to Artie, and ditching him to hang out with Mike, Artie can’t help but wonder whether what Tina is saying is true.  Then, shortly before Sectionals, Artie accuses Brittany of adultery and she . . . admits to it.

Except, Brittany never actually CHEATED with Mike.

She just lost Artie’s Magic Comb!  You see, Brittany confused “adultery” with “being a dolt,” and assumed that Artie was just mad at her, about losing the comb!  But, as it turns out, the Magic Comb wasn’t really magic!  (SURPRISE!)  It was just something Artie found on the floor, and used to make Brittany not nervous anymore.  “YOU are magic,” Artie tells Brittany, before treating her to a FIERCE little tongue kiss.

And they all live Happily Ever After . . . well . . . at least these two do . . . (and I guess Tina and Mike do too).  But I can’t really say the same for everybody else . . .

“You stuffed Puck in a Port-a-Potty!  You Bastards!”

If it weren’t for the whole “being stuck in a STINKY Port-a-Potty for 24-hours” thing, Puck would have had the best episode EVER!  After all, he acted heroically, not once, but TWICE, during the hour.  First, Puck REFUSED to screw Rachel, to help her get revenge on Finn for sleeping with Santana, even though he seemed to REALLY want to make sweet, sweet Puckleberry Love to the girl .  .  . even going as far as to admit out loud that he “kind of liked” her.  Way to have self-control, Puckster!

Second, Puck LITERALLY took one for the team, this week, when Schue told him to find a new Glee club member to stand in Kurt’s place for Sectionals.  Puck approached his football team first, in the Men’s Locker Room, about the opportunity, but got shoved in the stinky potty, as a result. 

Kiss ME, PUCKSTER!

 (Ummm, where were Finn, Sam and Mike, during this ordeal, may I ask?  Aren’t they on the team too?)

Rotting away in Stinkville, Puck begins to worry that all hope is lost, until Wrestler Lauren Zizes comes to his rescue.  So, Puck asks HER to go to Sectionals with him. 

Lauren agrees, provided that Puck “makes out” with her.  And guess what?   Lauren ROCKS PUCKS WORLD!

She also, despite thinking that show choir is “lame,” happens to be a pretty good singer.  So, when you think about it, Puck’s puckery lips really saved Sectionals!

Honeymoon in Vegas

“Don’t hate me Wemma Fans!  I swear I didn’t mean it!”

Remember last year’s Sectionals when Emma had randomly rushed into marrying Ken Tanaka? (Ken ended up calling off the wedding, because she was so clearly in love with Will.)  Well, it looks like the woman is at it again!  (Maybe it’s an “OCD Thing.”)  First, we learn that Dr. Carl won’t let Emma go to Sectionals with Will, because the last time the two of them hung out, they did this . . .

Then, Emma admits to Will, that, instead of going to Sectionals, she and Carl GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS!

(Now, I hate to be a cynical about this . . . but I’m kind of thinking that this happened so quickly, only because Uncle Jesse Carl convinced himself that Emma was a “wait until marriage” kind of virgin, instead of a “just haven’t gotten around to it yet,” virgin. And, having dated Emma for quite a few episodes now, the dude just REALLY NEEDED TO GET LAID.)

“Have MERCY!”

Although, Will tries to politely congratulate Emma on her nuptials,  you can tell he’s pretty torn up about the whole thing . . .

Awww, don’t worry, Mr. Schue!  We all know it won’t last!  John Stamos is only guest starring for a few more episodes!

It’s Sectionals, Baby!

At Sectionals, the first performance comes from a group of aging GED candidates called the Hipsters.  They sing Mike and the Mechanics’ “In the Living Years.”  It’s a decent performance, but, given that none of the Hipsters appears to be under the age of 70, the song choice seems a bit morbid, if you catch my drift.  They end up coming in Third Place . . .

“Dammit!  I knew we should have sang, MC Hammer’s ‘U Can’t Touch This,’ instead!”

Before Kurt goes on to sing with the Warblers, he and Rachel share a sweet moment, during which they admit they believed one another to be their only true competition at McKinley, and admit how much they miss one another, now that they aren’t going to the same school. 

Perhaps, because of this shared moment, while the Warblers, led by Blaine, sing Train’s “Soul Sister” . . .

 . . . a supportive Rachel reminds a very uncomfortable-looking Kurt to SMILE!

Thanks hiyoritic tumblr!

(By the way, did anyone else love how Blaine condescendingly told Kurt how important it was to “blend in” to the Warblers, and not show-off, when the during Sectionals, showing off and standing out were precisely what Blaine appeared to be doing?  Just sayin . . .)

After the competition, Blaine assures a nervous Kurt, that he and his new bird (All the Warblers, apparently, have to care for REAL warblers, during their time on the team), are just “changing their feathers,” and will end up fitting into Dalton just fine. 

Admittedly, it was a nice moment for the pair.  But, am I the only one hoping Blaine will be WRONG?  I don’t want Kurt to “change his feathers.”  His “New Directions feathers” suited him just fine, in my opinion.

Speaking of New Directions, they are up next . . .

Our Glee kids open with Dirty Dancing‘s “I’ve Had the Time of My Life,” with Sam and Quinn taking on the Eye-F*&cking on Stage while Singing roles, typically reserved for Finn and Rachel.  Next up is Santana, who performs a rousing rendition of Amy Winehouse’s “Valerie” . . .

 . . . while Mike and Brittany dance, and throw one another around a bit . . .

When it comes time to announce the winner of Sectionals . . . SURPRISE . . . it’s BOTH the Warblers AND New Directions.  As it turns out, they will BOTH be performing at Regionals against Vocal Adrenaline!  How convenient!

It’s a pretty jubilant moment . . . until Rachel ruins it, by admitting to Finn that she tried to sleep with Puck, to get back at him for screwing Santana . . .

They break up over this.   And it’s kind of depressing . . .

But, just in case things were getting too sad for you, the episode ends with Mercedes and Tina singing Florence and the Machine’s “Dog Days are Over.”  And we get to watch the Glee kids run around the stage like lunatics, during it . . .

But, I think my favorite part of the whole number, was when Rachel made this face . . .

(Don’t worry, Rachel!  You keep making faces like that, and Finn will come crawling back to you, in no time.  It’s a well known fact that no teenage boy can resist a good “O Face” . . .)

And, just in case that O Face wasn’t enough to put a smile back on your face, next week it’s CHRISTMAS!  (Well . . . not really . . . but at least on Glee, it will be!)

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

For those who have balls . . . – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Something’s Gotta Give”

Karev stares wistfully at what’s left of his balls, after Avery beat the crap out of him, at Cristina’s House Warming Party . . .

 The way I see it, there are two types of people in this world: (1) those who have balls .  . .

(2) and those who don’t.

Although seemingly simplistic, the above statement is actually much more complex than it looks.  After all, I could talking about balls, in the literal sense . . .

 .  . .  balls, in the anatomic sense . . .

. . . or balls, in the metaphoric sense, as something representative of courage or “guts.”

During this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy, many of our favorite Seattle Grace-ys got the opportunity to show us their BALLS . . .

 . . . while others just . . . sat around eating frozen yogurt.

It’s never too late to gain the Freshman 15 . . .

 So, without further adieu, what do you say we get these balls rolling, and commence with the recap?

This fun little GIF has been brought to you by the f*ckyeahgreysmcnatomy tumblr.

The New-New Cristina

When the episode opens, we learn that Cristina hasn’t exactly been using her “Surgery Hiatus” time wisely.  In fact, despite having ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to decorate, following her and Owen’s move into the Old Firehouse, Cristina hasn’t unpacked a SINGLE BOX.  The result of this massive oversight, on Cristina’s part is that her and Owen’s new crib now looks like something out of A&E’s Hoarders. 

(In Cristina’s defense, moving SUCKS!  And I would know, because I’ve done my fair share of it  .  . .)

Speaking of Cristina’s “Surgery Hiatus,” those of you who, like me, were worried that we would have to suffer through yet another episode of “”The Mopey Depressed PTSD Cristina Show,” got a bit of a reprieve this week . . .

“This week on Grey’s Anatomy, the part of Mopey Depressed PTSD Cristina will be played by Crazy, Bad Dancing, I Don’t Give a F*ck Cristina.”

Now . . . before you all start giving me the Stink Eye . . . I KNOW that letting her “id” run wild, compulsively spending money on frivolous things, and impulsively throwing parties and chopping off her friend’s hair, is not a “healthy” way for Cristina to cope with the emotional trauma she suffered, as a result of The Shooting.  But you have to admit that this week’s Cristina was WAY MORE FUN to watch than last week’s, right?

Speaking of People-I-Thought-Would-Be-Annoyingly-Mopey-This-Week-But-Weren’t .  . .

Callie Get’s a New Look . . .

“This week on Grey’s Anatomy, the part of Callie Torres will be played by Minnie Mouse . . .”

Cristina isn’t the only Seattle Grace Doc on “Surgery Hiatus,” this week.  As it turns out, Callie too has decided to take some time off, following her girlfriend Arizona’s decision to go on maternity leave from the show leave Callie’s ass for Africa.  When Callie hears the news from Mark that Cristina has quit the residency program, she rushes to her former roommate’s new casa to talk some sense into her.  Instead, she ends up . . . getting a haircut?

brought to you by f*ckyeahgreysanatomytumblr

I have to admit that Cristina’s maniacal cackling, as she dangled a chunk of Poor Callie’s hair in her face, all the while screaming, “LET’S MAKE LEMONADE,” frightened me a little bit.  However, my initial fear quickly vanished, when a now Hat-Wearing Callie and Crazy, Bad Dancing, I Don’t Give a F*ck Cristina decided to GO TO THE MALL!   

After all, who doesn’t like malls?  Malls are AWESOME!

Cristina and Callie Become Mallrats . . .

The scenes featuring Cristina and Callie at the mall on Grey’s this week, kind of reminded me of that old movie Mallrats . . . or rather, what that movie would be like, if those two poor slacker guys in it were actually female surgeons with LOTS of money to burn . . .

Ostensibly, the duo was at the mall, so that Callie could get her hair fixed, since Cristina had gone all Edwards Scissorhands on it, earlier . . .

However, Cristina uses the time to bask in the very special joys that only unemployment (while married to a rich surgeon) can provide.  During her Mallpisode, Cristina eats highly processed and chemical-laden food, prepared by teenagers.  She also marvels at the “Mall People,” who wander about the premises slowly, and aimlessly, with no particular time schedule to keep, but the ones in their own brains.  Cristina also buys an ENTIRE LIVING ROOM DISPLAY at the Furniture Store!

This just in . . . the Recession is OVER!  Our economy’s troubles have single-handedly been resolved, through the frivolous purchases of one woman.  And that woman is: Cristina Yang – Mall Person!

Did I mention that NuCristina has also decided to throw herself a house party, and invite all her surgeon friends, but NOT tell her new husband?  Cristina Yang – Mall Person has officially become MY IDOL!

Meanwhile, back at Seattle Grace, where people actually have to work for a living . . .

Everybody Hates Teddy . . .

Poor Doctor Altman!  Ever since her Blink-and-You’ll-Miss-It dalliance with that Shrink Guy has ended, she hasn’t had a single storyline that didn’t involve her yelling at someone, or being yelled at by someone.  Teddy kicks off this week, by getting more than her share of the latter. 

It all starts, when Teddy holds a little “information session” at the hospital, regarding her “Miraculous Lung Transplant Patient.”  Unfortuntely, no one gives two darns about that Poor Roy Henley Guy, who, lets face it, is SO LAST WEEK!

“Hey!  Now that’s not very nice!  What’s a guy gotta do to get some sympathy around here.  DIE?”

“Worked for ME!”

Instead, the doctors pepper Teddy with questions about Dr. Yang’s absence, and why she chose to quit the Residency Program.  Leading the Inquisition is Derek, or, as I like to call him, Dr. McJudgy . . .

 

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

McJudgy goes as far as to suggest that it is Teddy’s fault that Cristina quit her Residency, because Teddy inadvertently obligated Cristina to care for Roy, who was a very high risk patient, with a rather complex case history.  As if her presumed involvement in Cristina’s quitting didn’t make Teddy unpopular enough, shortly after the information session, the “Cardio God” finds herself having to cater to a VERY IMPORTANT patient, who no one else is allowed to KNOW is even in the hospital . . .

Inexplicably, most of the doctors at the hospital assume that Teddy’s Super Secret Patient is Bono . . .

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end up being anyone nearly as exciting.  It’s just some random Middle Eastern Leader Dude, who’s trying to bring peace to the entire Free World.  Bo-rinnnnggg!

Teddy, who is no Politico, by ANY means, does her best to save Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s life, while catering to the increasingly strange demands and inquiries of his harem colleagues and staff.  While, at first, Teddy butts heads with the Head of Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s Secret Service, the latter ultimately comes to respect Desert Storm Barbie, for her ability to work so well under pressure . . .

There was actually some pretty spicy sexual tension between these two!  And if this was a different show, and /or Teddy was a more well-liked character, we all KNOW that Teddy and the Secret Service Guy would have totally hit the on-call room for some Horizontal Mambo.  But its Grey’s Anatomy, and its Teddy Altman, so they didn’t . . .

Things got a bit more complicated, when Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s Chief Advisor, admitted that Middle Eastern Leader Dude did not just have heart trouble, as previously thought, he had also recently suffered from a brain aneurysm.

“Well, hello there!  My name is Ridiculous Plot Twist.  It is very nice to meet you.”

Now, suddenly, Teddy is forced to call upon her nemesis, Brain Doctor Derek.  The pair must perform surgery on Middle Eastern Leader Dude simultaneously.  How’s THAT for awkward?  Fortunately, this is DEREK we’re talking about, here.  So, of course, everything goes perfectly.  Shortly thereafter, Middle Eastern Leader Dude is free to go back to his country, and Save the World.

(And if you believe that I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for $2.  If interested, inquire in the comment section, below . . .)

The Balls are in YOUR Court . . .

Remember a few weeks back, when April was totally and completely in LOVE with Derek Shepherd?  Remember how she would follow him around all the time, like a puppy in heat; and would squeal annoyingly everytime the Married Man did so much as take a dump, unaided? 

Come on, April.  You KNOW its true . . .

Well, those days are gone now.  Because, ever since Alex gave April the Hug Heard Round the World, last week . . .

 . . . it’s been ALL KAREV, ALL THE TIME, as far as this girl is concerned . . .

So, you can imagine how excited April was, upon finding out that both she and Karev were on New Pediatric Doctor Stark’s service together . . .

While spending the day taking care of babies, April can’t help but imagine what it would be like for her and Alex to have a Bundle of Joy of their own . . . one produced by Divine Conception, of course.

Although April and Alex care for many Tiny Humans under Stark’s watch, their main Patient of the Week is a baby in need of a liver transplant . . .

“How many times do I have to tell you?  It’s LISA!  The baby’s name is LISA!  LISA! LISA!  LISA!  Like that chick from The Simpsons . . .”

Aside from REPEATEDLY demanding that the doctors refer to her by name, Lisa’s parents have lots of questions about the manner in which Dr. Stark will chose to conduct the transplant.  However, Dr. Stark can really give two craps about answering these questions.   He’s WAY TOO BUSY bossing getting Karev and April to do his job for him, to do a thing like that. 

To make matters worse, when it comes time to do the transplant, Dr. Stark finds that the liver is TOO BIG for the baby’s body.  And so, he makes the bizarre decision to LEAVE THE BABY OPEN for a few day, while the swelling goes down.  

Stark HOPES that the liver will “fit” inside the body . . . eventually.  (Now, how’s that for a ringing endorsement .  . .)

Of course, Dr. Stark doesn’t tell ANY of this to Lisa’s parents, who assume their little girl is doing just fine.  April and Alex don’t like the situation one bit.  Fortunately, during lunch, the “Brilliant” A**hole Alex comes up with a plan involving his balls . . . or rather, A BALL that Lexie shot at his chest earlier.

Never . . . gets . . . old.

Upon recognizing that Lisa’s liver can be wrapped around this small celluloid ball, without complication — thereby, enabling Dr. Stark to complete the surgery, and close the body cavity, Karev rushes show Dr. Stark what solid BALLS he really has . . .

Unfortunately, for Alex, Stark COMPLETELY blows off the idea . . . at least initially.  Later, while Alex is making his rounds, April learns that Stark has decided to use the “ball” in surgery, after all.  He has also opted to take FULL CREDIT for Alex’s idea!!

Arizona would NEVER do a Mean Ole Thing like that, now, would she, Grey’s fans?

April Gets SCREWED (But Only Metaphorically . . .)

Later that evening, April finds Alex resting in a cot in the on-call room.  Plopping down on the bed next to him, she sweetly tells him how brilliant he was for finding a solution to Lisa’s case, and what a good person she thinks he is.  Of course, this gives the perpetually Self-Destructive Alex the perfect opportunity to prove her wrong . . .

“How DARE you call me a Good Person!  Walk the plank, B*tch!”

Things start off well enough, I guess.  Alex, overcome with emotion that SOMEONE would be willing to show him such kindness after the AWFUL weekend he had (more on that later), pulls April toward him for a deep sweet kiss . . .

Then there is some heavy-petting, and scrubs-removal, and heavy-breathing, and laying down on the bed . . .

Uh OH!  The warning bells are starting to go off here . . .

April did NOT maintain her virginity for 28-years, only to lose it on some dirty cot in the on-call room, during a five-minute break between rounds.  Now, April definitely WANTS to do it with Alex . . . don’t get her wrong.   She’d just like a few moments of quiet kissing to ponder the occasion. 

After all, before she knows it, her virginity will be gone forever.  And she will be waddling (sore, slightly bloody, and feeling a bit used) to the OR, to perform yet another surgery.  So, April politely inquires whether Alex can slow down just a smidge with his Olympic Speed Boning . . .

Well, CLEARLY Alex is a guy who is NOT capable of “keeping it up” for very long, if you catch my drift.  Because the mere suggestion of slowing down, causes Quick Draw McWilly to go TOTALLY Apesh*t on Poor April’s ass! 

“What do you need from me?  You wanna screw, let’s screw.  You don’t, then get out.  I’m not gonna hold your Virgin Hand, and walk you through it, Dammit!  You’re not a child.  I can’t take care of you.  I can’t take care of everybody in this frickin’ place!”

Well, if it were ME laying in that cot, I would have told Alex to take that HAND of his, and shove it up his ASS . . . so, that he could slap the NASTY FACE attached to his HEAD, which was, obviously, already up there . . .

“Hey, something smells funny, up here . . .”

But April is a much nicer person than I am.  So, she just lays on the cot, crying, as the Grade A – A**hole storms out to go kick tiny puppies, or whatever it is that Grade A – Asshole’s do in their spare time . . .

Jackson Avery to the RESCUE!

“I may not be the BEST doctor in this hospital.  But I am certainly the best-LOOKING.  And today, I might have proved myself to be the best FRIEND.”

April is still crying hysterically, by the time she gets to Cristina’s House Warming Party . . .

*sobbing uncontrollably*  “How the hell do two you afford this place?  I work at the exact same job that you do, and yet, I share a BATHROOM with 85,000 castmembers roommates, one of whom just totally ripped me a new one in the on-call room!  It’s not fair, dammit!”

Jackson hasn’t exactly had the best day himself.  Not only has he become the “red-headed stepchild” of the residency program, having screwed up surgery after surgery, since The Shooting.  He also suffered the loss of one of the patients, he was caring for on Bailey’s behalf (through no fault of his own).  So, Jackson sees his best friend April in need.  And hers is a problem he can fix . . . (just not in the way you think ;)). 

OK . . . I know he’s supposed to LOVE Lexie and all, but does anyone else think these two would be pretty darn adorable together?

And “fix it,” Jackson does . . .

Picspam provided by the cahboom tumblr

“OK .  . . I get that I should be all ‘Morally Outraged’ by the sight of two incredibly HOT grown men beating the sh*t out of eachother for ME  . . . but I’m secretly loving ALL OF IT.”

That was AWESOME!  Just like with Cristina, while I logically recognize that Jackson’s uncharacteristically aggressive behavior is sort of a Cry for Help, it’s still CRAZY FUN TO WATCH!  (And let’s face it, Alex the A**hole TOTALLY had it coming . . . )

Speaking of Alex, he later admits to Meredith that he spent the weekend caring for his brother Aaron . . .

 . . . who has just been diagnosed as schizophrenic, after trying to KILL his teenage sister.  Unable to cope with all the family drama, Alex flees, after just a day or two.  And I guess the guilt of not being able to care for his family, caused him to lash out at April. 

*sings*  “Nobody knows . . . the trouble I’ve seen .  . .  nobody knows, the SORROW!”

Yeah . . . OK . . . I’ll admit it . . . your Family Situation really SUCKS, Alex.  But its no excuse to be a DICK to a Nice Virgin.  Just sayin . . .

But Where’s Cristina?

Throughout the episode, Cristina’s friends and colleagues have plotted to confront her at her House Warming Party, and stage an “intervention,” of sorts . . .  The only person who seems to be against that idea is Derek, who himself, is no stranger to “quitting his job” during Sweeps Week.  Nonetheless, McJudgy is out-ranked and out-numbered.  And so, the Intervention is set to occur.  The only problem is that no one find Cristina . . .

Why?  You ask?  Because Derek has kidnapped her . . . and taken her up to the roof of the apartment, where he can ply her with wine, and discuss . . .  home furnishings?

Yeah . . . I didn’t get it either.

Oh, and I almost forgot about Callie . . .

For those of you who haven’t seen the episode, and are curious about Callie’s Big Change Haircut, here it is . . .

Based on the comments I’ve read on various message boards, I’ve come to the conclusion that most of you LIKE the ‘do.  And, while I don’t necesarily disagree, I do have a question or two for you Grey’s fans out there. 

Here goes . . .  (1) At what age do you become TOO OLD to wear rainbow-colored streaks in your hair?  (2) And if there exists such an age, has Callie passed it?

Did I mention that Callie and Mark are moving in together, because “it’s easier to be single together, than alone?”  I smell ANOTHER Friends with Benefits storyline . . . . don’t you? 

Seriously, Grey’s?  I know they’re cute together and all, but HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE GOING TO GO THERE?

Speaking of “Going There,” the trailer for next week’s installment of Grey’s looks so intriguingly bizarre, that I can’t help, but share it with you . . . So, enjoy!

See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com]