Don’t Cry for Me, Sue Sylvester!: A Recap of Glee’s “Home”

  

Glad to see my girl, Mercedes, happy and smiling again!

This week’s installment of Glee might not have been the show’s most GLEE-FUL (Everyone was CRYING during it!), but it was certainly its most heartfelt.  As you can probably gather from the title, the episode’s theme was “home” (and just in case you didn’t get the theme from the title, the entire cast hit you on the head with it, sledgehammer style, by using the word, about every 5 minutes).

The “home” in question, referred to a house, in the literal sense, like the one Mr. Schuester was trying to sublet, pending his divorce.  It also referred to “home” in the more abstract sense, like the inner peace Mercedes had to regain, regarding her body.

“All this talk about HOME is making me HOMESICK, Toto!”

Let’s revisit, shall we? 

There’s No Place Like Inside Will Schuester’s Pants . . .

When the episode begins, the Glee club is homeless, due to Sue Sylvester’s commandeering of the auditorium for use by her Cheerios (of which, by now, half of the Glee kids just so happen to be members).  Ummm . . . to be honest, I’m not sure why this was such an issue.  I always thought the Gleeks held their practice sessions in the music room, you know, the one we always see them practicing in.  Anyway, as a result of this plot device unfortunate circumstance, Mr. Schuester (a.k.a Will) is forced to search for a temporary “home” for his Glee club, and randomly decides that the 1980’s would be a perfect place for them to go (last week, after all, was the Madonna episode). 

So, our favorite Glee coach travels back in time . . . to a roller rink . . . and to a previous episode of the show, guest starring Kristin Chenoweth . . .

Yes, boys and girls, you probably remember Kristin’s guest starring role on Glee, during the first half of the season, as the boozy songstress, April.  Well, now, apparently, April is back, and conveniently in charge of the roller rink that constitutes the “only possible” place for our Gleeks to practice (aside from the music room, of course).  April gallantly lets Will use the roller rink as Glee Club practice space.  She’s also willing to prospectively help him find a subletter for his home.  Why, you ask?  Because April is a girl, and everyone knows that all GIRLS on Glee (except for maybe, Sue Sylvester)desire a coveted spot inside the Schuester pantalones (a spot which is becoming increasingly less exclusive as the weeks progress)!

“Come on inside, ladies.  There’s room in here for EVERYBODY!”

April swings by Will’s place, ostensibly to check out the apartment, but ends up spending the night.  Surprisingly, these two don’t actually do it!

I know, Mr. Monkey, I was shocked too!

However, they did sing a couple of rousing show tunes together, about how lonely they both were.  And nothing says foreplay like SHOW TUNES!

After the foreplay show tunes singing, Will goes into Daddy mode, and self-righteously lectures April on how crappy her life is right now.  (Right, because YOU are the epitome of healthy living, Man Slut Will).  And to his credit, Will Schuester must be REALLY good at singing show tunes, because one talk with him is all it takes for April to decide to clean up her life and head out of town, but not before she buys the Glee club its auditorium, of course .  . .

Our Parents are Dating Eachother, So We Should TOTALLY Date TOO . . .

“You’re so TENSE future step-brother.  Maybe a full body massage would help.”

Speaking of pantalones, I’m not exactly sure what gave Kurt the brilliant idea that, if you have a crush on someone, becoming related to them is the PERFECT way to get them to do it with you (particularly if that person is straight, and you are gay)!  And yet, that was precisely our boy Kurt’s dastardly plan at the beginning of this episode.  We watch as Kurt deftly orchestrates the coupling of his widower father (played by Mike O’Malley) with Finn’s widowed mom.  And, wouldn’t you know it, these two fall completely in love, during the course of a SINGLE EPISODE!

Finn, who sees any “moving on” he and his mother might do, as a direct betrayal of his deceased dad, is not too happy with this new state of affairs.  And he lets both Finn and his mother know it, in no uncertain terms.  I love how when a very hurt Kurt sings “A House is Not a Home” directly to Finn during Glee practice, Puck mouths to Finn “Are you gay?”  (It might have been wise for Kurt to ask Finn this same question, before he started going through all this trouble!)

To further complicate matters, when Kurt and Finn, and their respective parents, all go out to eat together, Kurt’s dad starts talking football with Finn, which makes Kurt, who has always desired a closer relationship with his “man’s man” father, extremely jealous.  But . . . wait . . . isn’t Kurt on the football team too?

Did Kurt not WIN a football game for his school, by distracting the opposing team with his hypnotic “Single Ladies” dance, just a few months ago?

I mean that’s gotta count for something, right?  During the episode, Kurt comes to terms with his relationship with his father, while Finn comes to terms with the loss of his.  Ultimately, Finn allows Kurt’s dad to sit in his father’s sacred chair, while the two bond over a college football game.  Kurt looks on wistfully, but with a new understanding of the situation.

What it takes to be Beautiful . . .

“Just for cheering, not for EATING!”

Poor Mercedes!  The minute Sue Sylvester calls her and Kurt into her office, we just know she’s in for some trouble.   “How do you two not have a show on Bravo?”  Sue inquires, as the spunky pair banters with one another, just seconds before Sue rips their hearts out.  (And, she’s RIGHT!  I would TOTALLY watch a Bravo show starring these two!)

Check out Kurt and Mercedes in Bravo’s new hit show “Girl Talk,” on Thursday nights (right after Project Runway)

In preparation from an upcoming interview with a premiere journalist, Sue Sylvester has given her newest Cheerio an ultimatum: “Lose ten pounds, or you’re off the squad.”

To her credit, Mercedes initially goes about losing the weight the right way, by ordering a healthy lo-cal lunch at the cafeteria.  Unfortunately, Mercedes’ “friends” intervene, giving her “advice,” ranging from the bad to the downright insulting.

“Don’t ruin this for me!” Kurt says.

“Would you rather feel bad and look good, or feel good and look bad?”  Santana asks, after suggesting that Mercedes drink a “meal replacement” shake, that will cause her to instantly regurgitate all her food.

“We like you no matter what you look like,” says Artie (good sentiment, poor delivery)

“I’m pretty sure my cat has been reading my diary,” says Brittany.

(LOVE this girl!  I’m so glad they’ve decided to upgrade her to series regular status.  She totally deserves it.)

 . . . and so does her cat. 

Mercedes soon begins starving herself, to the point where she faints in the lunchroom.  Surprisingly, the only person with anything remotely supportive to say to Mercedes throughout this entire ordeal is Quinn.

In a very touching scene, Quinn visits Mercedes in the nurse’s office, offers her a granola bar, and tells her she is beautiful.  “You’ve always been at home in your body.  I admired that about you,” Quinn counsels.

Having had body issues in the past, and having gained a new understanding about healthy eating, as a result of her pregnancy, Quinn is able to commiserate with Mercedes, and provide her with some good advice.  I love the journey the writers have taken with Quinn this season.  She has certainly come along way from the shallow self-righteous girl we knew from the pilot. 

At the pep rally, Mercedes surprises everyone by giving a heart-warming speech about the importance of feeling comfortable in your own skin.  She then asks the entire student body to join her in a rendition of Christina Aquilera’s Beautiful, that, in my opinion, was by far, the best performance of the evening.  (Then again, maybe that’s just because I’m not a big fan of show tunes.)  You can hear Mercedes, in all her glory, here:

After the performance, a nervous Sue Sylvester . . .

 . . . meets with the journalist, who she is convinced will berate her for the impromptu performance.  And, initially, it seems as though he will do just that.  “The minute I met you, I instantly disliked you . . . Twice you called me Rerun, and I was also beginning to think you were a little racist.”

NOT the journalist!

While the journalist initially had plans to expose Sue for her bad behavior, he was pleasantly surprised by what he saw during the pep rally.  Assuming that Sue had orchestrated the whole thing, he calls her a visionary, and promises to “open doors for her,” by writing a highly laudatory article about the cheerleading coach.  To Sue’s credit, she ACTUALLY looks like she feels kind of guilty about all the undeserved praise she is receiving.  But just like the other few times us viewers have been made privy to Sue’s softer side, I’m sure it won’t last very long . . .

• That’s all folks.  It was definitely not my favorite Glee episode, but it had some good moments.  What did you think?  Are you excited about the prospect of Kurt and Finn as step-brothers?  Were you as shocked as I was that Jesse St. James had NO lines during this episode, and Rachel only had one?  Would you watch a Bravo show starring Mercedes and Kurt?  If you were Brittany’s cat, would you read her diary too?

 

The Many Faces (and Bodies) of Matt Damon . . .

Not only does Matt Damon star in my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE YOUTUBE VIDEO OF ALL TIME . . .

 . . . he’s also one of the most versatile actors out there!  The guy’s played everything from a prejudiced high school D-Bag, to a sociopath, to a certified genius, to a kick ass fighting machine, to an Angel of Death, to THIS GUY . . .

And let’s not forget his Oscar-worthy performance as a “differently-abled” puppet in the “riveting” Team America: World Police.

(OK . . . that wasn’t really him.  But it was pretty darn amusing, nonetheless .  . .)

Let’s take a look at his BODY of work, shall we?

School Ties (1992)

Although his first official role was in the 1988 coming of age tale Mystic Pizza, starring a young Julia Roberts (His SOLE job in the film was to say “MOM, do you want my green stuff?” while eating a lobster), Matt Damon wasn’t truly able to demonstrate his acting chops until four years later.  In 1992, he was cast as the conniving, weasely, generally D-baggy, prejudiced preppy cheater, Charlie Dillon, opposite Brendan Fraser in the film School Ties.  The film was about a Jewish boy (Fraser) who enrolled in a stuffy Catholic New England prep school on a football scholarship.  And while we all HATED Charlie for the senseless torture he inflicted on Fraser’s character, we grudgingly had to admit that the dude looked pretty damn fine without his shirt on . . .

Courage Under Fire (1996)

The only movie poster in this tribute that doesn’t ACTUALLY feature Matt Damon on it.  Damn you, Poopyhead Movie Poster Maker!

Damon lost 40 POUNDS (almost an entire Olsen twin!) for his role as the opiate-addicted Gulf War soldier, Specialist Ilario.  The transition between his buff bod in School Ties and his frighteningly thin physique in this film was truly shocking.

Watching this, I was truly conflicted.  I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to give Damon an Oscar for his heartwrenching performance, or buy him a pizza . . .

Good Will Hunting (1997)

My absolute FAVORITE Matt Damon performance remains his dramatic turn as the titular Will Hunting, a Bostonian custodian working at Harvard, who just so happens to be a genius.  Matt’s take on Hunting was at times hilarious (“You like apples?  I got her number!  How do ya like them apples?) . . .

 . . . and, at other times, poignant.  I cried like a baby during some of those Robin Williams therapy scenes.  (And it wasn’t just because William’s insanely hairy arms freaked me out, which they DO, by the way).  But what impressed me most about this film, was that Matt Damon not only starred in it, he also wrote the screenplay (which went on to win an Oscar), along with BFF Ben Affleck.  The screenplay was based on a short story Damon had penned while he was a student at Harvard.

Hot AND Smart (Me Likey!)

And while I am QUITE certain Matt Damon was shirtless at some point during Good Will Hunting (him and Minnie Driver got it on quite a bit in that film), a picture of said shirtlessness, doesn’t seem to appear in Google Images.  Grrrr . . .

The Rainmaker (1997)

That same year, Damon starred, alongside the diminutive, but always adorable, Danny Devito, in the film adaptation of a popular Grisham novel, about an idealistic young lawyer who took on a big bad corporation and won. (Wait.  Isn’t that what every Grisham novel is about?)  Lack of originality aside, The Rainmaker, thanks largely to Damon’s inherent likeability, was actually a pretty good film.  But it would have been MUCH better, if Damon’s character didn’t stay dressed THE WHOLE TIME!

Rounders (1998)

In Rounders, Damon and Ed Norton played two hardcore gamblers, addicted to the seductive world of underground poker.  (The film just so happened to be made a year prior to Norton’s SPECTACULAR performance in Primal Fear.  If you haven’t seen it yet, rent it NOW!)  Again, I DISTINCTLY remember some naked Matt Damon scenes in this film.  And AGAIN, my internet search came up empty.  What’s the deal, Google Images?

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

That same year, Damon played the titular Private Ryan, a World War II soldier, who THE ENTIRE CAST spent THE ENTIRE FILM trying to save.  Wouldn’t you?

Honestly, I’m not even going to bitch about the lack of skin in this film.  Because, even a Shirtless Connoisseur like myself can agree that the battlefield is no place for public nudity.  Except, of course, if it’s the Battlefield of LOVE!

The Talented Mr. Ripley

In this psychological thriller, Damon once again plays the titular character, a young sociopath con artist who becomes obsessed with inhabiting the life of Jude Law’s character, Dickie Greenleaf (now THAT is a porn name, if I ever heard one).  And you know what?  Matt is shirtless in this film A LOT!  But to be honest, things start out a bit .  . . unimpressive.

Banana Hammock, anyone?

Fortunately for us (but unfortunately for Dickie, who Damon’s character promptly murders), as Mr. Ripley becomes further and further enmeshed in Greenleaf’s life, his “body of work” vastly improves . . .

Ahhhh, much better!

Dogma (1999)

In Kevin Smith’s dark comedy, Dogma, Matt played Loki, and Angel of Death eager to get back in the good graces of the Man Upstairs, after having literally fallen from Heaven.  At first, the pop culture spewing character was kind of likeable, and then he wasn’t (dude just kept killing people), and then he sort of was again, and then Ben Affleck’s character killed him.  Truthfully, there wasn’t a lot of skin in Dogma (Matt Damon’s skin, anyway).  However, he did show fans a lot of wing!  (And that’s gotta count for something.)

Oceans Eleven (2001) [and 12 . . . and 13 .  . .]

Damon held his own as a professional pickpocket in this casino heist caper that will always go down in history for me as having the HOTTEST MALE cast of all time!

Knowing a cash cow when they saw one, the producers of Oceans Eleven (which was a pretty awesome film, by the way), got this group of eyecandy back together for not one, but TWO more sequels!  (It’s just too bad, I have to watch both of them on mute, because their scripts were AWFUL!)  And again, Matt Damon . . .  fully clothed the whole time.  WHY?

The Bourne Identity (2002) [and The Bourne Supremacy, AND The Bourne Ultimatum]

To many, Matt Damon initially seemed an unlikely choice to play Jason Bourne — a fictional character from the Robert Ludlum book series, about a man programmed by (the government?) to be a ruthless killing machine.  But those “many” were proved wrong, in 2002, when The Bourne Identity hit theaters.  Damon’s Bourne was the ultimate action hero!  Unlike his other, typically verbose, characters, Bourne was the strong and silent type.  He  kicked ass first, and took names later!  Like Oceans, the Bourne franchise continued with TWO sequels, with another rumored to be on the way.

 With those tight black shirts, and tight pants, Matt Damon proved that sometimes WEARING the right clothes can be sexier than wearing none at all.  (Rarely, but it happens .  . .)

The Departed (2006)

For my final Matt Damon selection of the evening, I chose the fantastic and modern Scorcese mob flick, The Departed, which, like many of Damon’s other films, featured an all-star cast, including the likes of Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DiCaprio.  Like his role in School Ties, Damon’s character in this film was kind of weasely and D-baggy.  As Colin Sullivan, Damon played a Mob Golden Boy working undercover as a mole within the Massachusetts State Police Department.  If any other actor played the role, Sullivan would have undoubtedly been so unlikeable, as to be nearly unwatchable.  However, Damon lent a vulnerability to the role, that made audiences, if not root for the character, at least sympathize with him somewhat.  (AGAIN!  GOOGLE!  WHERE ARE MY NUDIE PICS?)

Disappointed that I haven’t provided you with more shirtless pics of Matt Damon?  As a consulation prize, I leave you with this clip of Matt Damon impersonating Matthew McConaughey TALKING about being shirtless.  (McConaughey, now THERE’S a man who could never be accused of wearing too much clothes.  I didn’t even have to TYPE “shirtless” next to his name in Google Images, for half the pictures to come out all nudie!)